Stuff Island - Land Gatekeepers - Stuff Island #149 w/ Sean Patton

Episode Date: September 4, 2024

Land Gatekeepers - Stuff Island #149 w/ Sean Patton Sean Patton is a New York stand up comic. Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en -Follow Sean on IG: https://www.instagram.com/mrseanpatton/?hl=en Get $250 in bonus bets when you get just $5 when you download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use promo code: StuffIsland Try Bluechew for FREE! with Promo Code: STUFFISLAND. Just pay $5 for shipping. Bluechew.com  For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners ten dollars off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrafol.com/men and enter the promo code STUFFI Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're gonna start Do we just start? Cause I like a podcast That just starts We just start You guys already started I was talking about Losing my pants

What? He lost his pants I lost all of my pants In a divorce That's right It's just fun to say You're single dude It's just fun to say

No I lost all She took all my fucking pants That is a sick move A lady did take all of my pants In essence I was checking bags. I was flying to Philly, and I printed the baggage tickets or whatever. Wait, direct?

Yeah. Wait, this is not the lost baggage story. Yes. Oh, it is? Okay. Yeah, yeah. And I literally fucking, I went up to the counter to give them my bags, and I hadn't put the tags on yet. I just laid tags over my handles. I thought you were going to be like, I went to give them my bags and I hadn't put the tags on yet. I just like laid tags over my handles.

I thought you were going to be like I went to give them my bags and they're like, wait, we already lost those. How the fuck you got those back? We lost those already. What the fuck? Just standing there with no pants. You keep the bags, we get the pants.

You can't have people knowing. This is the game. No, I bags we get the pants you can't have people knowing no i i was fucking checking the bags in i put the heaviest bag on there she weighs it puts like seals the tag and throws down the conveyor belt i look to give my other bag and it's gone and i was like did you take this a bag that was here and throw it on the and she was like yeah I was like did you put the tag on it and she was like yes

that kind of yes that means no yes did you shit your pants no no I was like you gotta stop the conveyor you gotta get that back it doesn't have a tag on it and I was like, you got to stop the conveyor. You got to get that back.

It doesn't have a tag on it. And she was like, once it's on the other side of the wall, we can't get it. I was like, call somebody. Like they don't go have lunch with those guys. Like they're in a different country. They speak a different language. That conveyor belt is just Chick-fil-A bags. It's no fucking snack time.

She was like, I sealed sealed it and I was like well then where's the receipt the little thing they rip off she was like I definitely sealed it it's like an automatic

thing that I do I seal it the Austin Bergstrom International Airport can be a fucking nightmare 100%

because like everything in this city and I love do the fans know where we are yeah they know okay i'm just making sure some i don't know if y'all are doing like a bob and tom thing we're everywhere don't say where we're all we're every city wherever our listeners are that's where we are too generically man can you believe the team can you believe the team this weekend

and the win loss win loss tie draw the weather was nuts it was crazy this weekend and the win-loss? Win-loss tie? Draw? The weather was nuts. It was crazy this weekend, man. You know what I like to do? When I get off, I like to go down to that bar and have a cold one. A cold local one with my friends at this brewery. Damn. We're the opposite, dude. I say exactly right all the time.

Let's bring Oaks. Like that. Someone came up with like bowling and I was like, yeah, there's a bowling alley like 30 seconds away. Wait a minute. Well, dude, that's the thing about Austin. It's a fucking great city.

It does not have the infrastructure to handle the sheer volume of people that live here now. It's Fallujah on the roads. It's insane. I got to get air pressure. I got to get the air in my tires filled like every week i get the air pressure thing coming on oh because there's just because all the rain they get for one month out of 12

months so they all dip and i'm just going wow well it's also okay so like you know i grew up in new world this is bourbon street right we all lived in new york there's plenty of streets in new york that are crazy but there's something about sixth street it's crazy on like a hot friday night where it's like bro this is this is tension it's amazing there's wild tension it's amazing the one bad look it's like a domino effect of the only thing i can compare it to is wildwood new jersey on the weekends where like kids drinking, there's still arcades open. Everybody's fucking around. There's sexual aggression, but there's also male aggression

where you're just trying to fight. You're trying to get drunk. You're trying to fuck. And there's bodies strewn about that are clearly people's first night drinking. 100%. Yeah, yeah. Dude, last night coming home from the mothership,

I was like, everyone's getting walked. Everyone's getting walked. There's always a drunk fucking idiot. Guy or girl, I'm like, is this the first time you've done this?

Yeah. They've just never gotten better at it. New York is more of a solo stumble. Yeah. Well, New York will allow New York will allow

you to fall apart. Yeah. And just like, do it, figure it out on your own. But it's the same thing with fighting. You can walk past a fight in New York and be like, I got shit to do. Yeah. Whereas Austin still has that energy of one fight breaks out, now nine got to break out around it. Yeah.

It's still contagious here. Yeah. Whereas New York, you'd be like, I don't fucking care. I'm busy. And here it's like, oh, wait, you're drinking? Well, I got to drink more than you. Yeah. I got to drink this ranch water. This is why I more than you. Yeah. I gotta drink this ranch water.

This is why I have a great idea. I gotta drink that ranch water. I have a great idea. We're in Austin. We gotta get fucked. We gotta get blackout fucking shit-faced. A great idea for a,

I'm not gonna say, I don't think I should say it because it's around this. What? About drinking competitively around your friends in a social environment. Everybody does that.

I have an idea for like casinos and bigger bars that shows the bartender when you're up. So he can just scan instead of going Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

So like down here it would destroy. Wait, what? You got a fucking I don't think I should. You're saying like you're doing the thing where you're like

I got an idea. Cancer. No more. Doctors, no. Eye contact. This substance I inject it. I got an idea. Cancer. No more. Doctors, no. Eye contact. This substance, I inject it. Imagine some version of having a hat that lights up when your beer is empty. Yeah, that's sick.

Oh, I thought you were going to say like a... Bartender knows it's time. A beer hat. A beer hat bar would be sick. Once you get to a certain level, just close. Like those flashers when your food's ready? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were talking about the other way.

There's just seven homeless people wearing hats. Or like ponchos. You just put a little flag up when you want more sopapilla. I want more sopapilla. I want more fucking ranch water. A ranch water flag. I thought you were talking about the other way where it's like a monitor of like, oh, this guy's had nine fucking shots.

They don't care. They don't fucking care. It's like they don't care and then they get pissed off when they got to clean up an adult man's fucking hose vomit. It's like, well, you keep serving him fucking three wise men shots during the summer. The owner of the bar is not fucking cleaning that up.

So he's making buko bucks while he's fucking some sad pan. Fucking Tommy coming with that Cajun tongue. Dropping buko on me. But you're trying to make me feel like I'm down back in Chantelette, New Lland. Talking with having corned beef and cabbage on New Year's Day With black eyed peas. I will tell you. Le bonhomme. Boucou. Woo. Time to poke. Boucou.

Pouk. Is boucou. Is that a. It's French. Yeah. Boucou. I've never known that. I've always said boucou.

Yeah. Boucou box. I learned it from fucking cash money rap cart. Like. Yeah. Like you hear fucking. I heard black people say it I ever heard buku just means more in French

just means a lot a lot yeah yeah dang unbeknownst to you and you've been saying it Tommy got buku

you got pissed at me about saying croissant yeah how do you say yeah how do you say croissant croissant croissant croissant

that fired me the fuck up croissant croissant I was hot I was hot today when he picked me up He's like I'm on 5th in San Washington I was like

No no don't How'd you say it? I'll say it the way he said it Cause I know he's gonna lie I said San Juan Quinto Juan Quinto Okay San Juan Quinto

I was like Okay I've been saying Jacinto this whole time But you're right San Juan Quinto Yeah Like time But you're right San Juan Tinto Yeah Like we going San Antonio It's like

San Antonio Shut the fuck up I'm going to San Antonio You get an excuse To say San Antonio You gotta say Well it's fun saying Tejas down here

It's fun saying Tejas Tejas is great But you see some people Be like Yeah Texas I'm like Okay I see who's

The descendant Of the colonizer. Dude, some Mexican did an Italian impression of me last night at the show. I was on stage and it was leveled the room. It was incredible. Just a big, fat, plumpy Mexican guy.

He goes, I'm Italian. And then he just gave a... He delivered this incredible impression to me And I had to stop The whole fucking place Went nuts Yeah And I was like

Dude that's You would never The juxtaposition Of this fucking Guy looks like a tortilla Man Ripping He's been going to

Comedy clubs for 10 years I'm a thang Yeah no I like my meatballs No Not in Spanish She was in a Spanish accent Yeah

Oh my god Oh oh my my. I love the meepo. The meepo made me fool. Look at me, I'm a thai. Oh, mama mia. I wear too much cologne to the gym. Look at me, I'm a thai. Why did you come to me first? Why did you go to the police?

Yeah. You come to me, and then you should be suffering today. Dude, Godfather quotes. Godfather quotes in Spanish. You can act like a mean. I make him an offer, he don't know how to refuse.

He don't know, where are you? The Mexican guy that does impressions, but there's still a Mexican accent, I would watch. 100%. I would follow. I would watch. 100%. I would grateful dead fan that guy. I would just follow him

from city to city. You know he does Greek guys now? It's amazing. You want a gyro or a gyro? Dude. It's like a blue collar. We invented philosophy. Oh my God, I want to meet this guy.

I feel like they're not That far apart Mexicans and Italians Really Yeah Why's that Skin tone They look alike

Oh my god I saw the first lawyer With Down Syndrome And she just looks like A Mexican lady In a food truck What She's a lawyer

With Down Syndrome You want to see a pic Hand me that Yeah Tell me she doesn't look Like every fucking... Every mamacita giving you a carnitas. Hold on.

Yeah, someone was saying that the other night, that, like, Down syndrome people, like, can't get a driver's license. She's a lawyer. You definitely can. I think if you, like, if you have Down syndrome and you pass the bar, you pass the bar. Tell me she's not asking you on Verde or Red.

Yeah. look at this that's the first down switch for me that would be great there's a few good men am I wrong in assuming I mean we're all thinking it we're all thinking it but then the

that has a whole that hits completely differently that hits completely differently. That hits completely differently. She's pointed backwards. She's not even looking at the... Jesus Christ. What I mean, am I wrong when I say that Down syndrome people,

there's no actual mental... There's no actual... There's no actual mental affect. Like, it's not actually mental. They're not actually dumber. Or, like, not... Yeah, I think you're right. They're not less intelligent.

I think the intelligence level's on par. It's just like the... Yeah. We had this argument the other day. That's why they can be a lawyer. Because lawyers are the same way. They're just so socially inept. Tommy doesn't think they're, like, self-aware.

What? Wait, what? We got in this argument the other day. They just don't know? He doesn't think they know that they have guns. Chris, when we talk about cars, it doesn't have to come up here. They definitely do. Chris hates black people.

You guys, you're both of these guys. Both of these guys have been radicalized by Islam. Did you know that? Oh, sorry. We don't bring that up. That's why we came here, just to hide in the woods. No, dude, the fucking... The truth is killing me, dude.

It's a whole new scene. And it's so funny. Dude, that whole scene is just a Down syndrome lawyer. Yeah, it's just about who ate all the cookies. Oh my god. Halfway through her argument, she pulls out a PB&J. I mean, or the scene where they're in the apartment discussing the case.

They're like, can I have the bat, please? What'd you do with my bat? Never put that bat in your closet. Never put that bat in your closet. Never put that bat in the closet. It's my lucky bat. It's a whole baseball.

It's a whole new script. It's a whole new You don't have to change a line. Yeah. What a sketch. Somehow it's a new movie. It's the reboot.

What a great sketch we could never do oh man i mean the uh i oh my god i would never i would now i want to hire this lawyer yeah oh yeah dude no i want to a simple just straight up like get to get it done i want to see a simple fender bender i'll spend what i can just we just go get in a wreck right now yeah I'll get I'll smash into a tray dude it would be the ultimate like defense attorney because if the prosecutor

was like being a dick and saying the defense was like like make playing games or whatever like lying the whole jury

would be like Jesus man 100% this is the fucking this is the problem the defense is playing games you look over

she's playing connect 4 like it's part of my process The defense is playing games. You look over, she's playing Connect Four. It's part of my process. She's playing Twister. She's eating a mat. It's part of my process. That's like the problem with... I'm sorry to say this, but... They're going to get up here.

They're going to mislead you gonna They're gonna mislead you They're gonna lie to you You gotta think At the end of the day The facts are the You gotta think There's like an emotional element To going like

And personal going This other This other side of the coin Is making some great points Clearly this defendant Is in the wrong But then she's Yeah a jury's gonna assume

And the jury's like, give her a fucking dub, dude. They're going to assume that she's incapable of deception. And that everything she says is the God honest truth. And you're saying, with Down syndrome, you're capable of all this stuff? Oh, definitely. Yeah, yeah. So she can read...

They play games. This is also a crazy new angle to be like, they're fucking with my head. They're the Illuminati. They've been this whole time. They're the shadow government.

No, no, no. I've been trying to get along with them. They just quit fucking with me. You call them lizard people, okay? They've been running the show this whole time. They're a lot sharper than the guys convinced down syndrome people are running the world

don't let your damn i ran into every type of asshole when i was up in new hampshire i had two oh yeah yeah it's first day first time i've seen you in 10 i went i went to an i went to a little island on this lake with my brother, and we were walking. Squam? Yeah, yeah. People have said New Hampshire is the Down syndrome of states. It's crazy.

A lot of lawyers up there. A lot of attorneys. Very litigious. I would say there's both. I've never been to New Hampshire. Really? It's great. It's beautiful. It's one of three both I've never been to New Hampshire really? it's great it's beautiful

it's one of the three states I've never been to it's awesome it's beaches right? fucking fuck no they're rednecks and lakes there's rich people

and the worst of the worst so it's like Mississippi yes okay the Mississippi of New England yes yeah yeah yeah it's east coast rednecks yes

dude which is a fucking walking anomaly in every limbo. But they're the people that won the Civil War. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Came from

warts like that. Down there. Oh, okay. That's who you're, just put your mind like Virginia type fucking animals. Like Appalachia.

Yeah. Adjacent. Mountain. Satellite Appalachia. Third eye on the forehead. Trump tattoos. Every library in every small town

has like a giant wall of dudes that died in the Civil War. Yeah in every small town has like a giant wall of dudes that died in the Civil War yeah it's hot yeah so you were there being like well this rules yeah yeah this is relaxing yeah it was great okay Is that where it is? Is that where it is? It's the stuff. You found it? That's why I don't give away my fucking ID. You can't relocate. That's where we're broadcasting. That's where we're at right now, Sean. You didn't notice we got on a boat six hours ago? We got here pretty quick.

Dude, this lady... Because people camp on this island at night, but we were there at like 2.30 in the afternoon. Yeah. And you have like a tiny little campsite where you can like put a tent. And this lady and her husband had strewn shit just all over this, like these rocks with this like nice view. Yeah. And we were walking, we were walking towards it because it's like a place we went to as kids.

Yeah. And we're walking over there and she's like, trails that way. She like stepped out. She's like, trails the other way. And we were like, what? Yeah. We're going over there. She was like, can way she like stepped out she's like trails the other way and we were like what yeah we're going over there she was like can't come this way oh my god and then we were like all right we just walked right by her and she turned around and stood like furiously and then we went to these rocks and we were just standing there for two seconds and her and her husband came over they had had two giant chairs set up, like fucking lawn chairs.

Sat in them and turned on a radio. A radio. See, that husband needs to be knocked out. To just be annoying. Yeah. I don't like land gatekeepers like that. It's like... Me and my cousin were cutting through a golf course once.

And this lady came fucking at us wielding a thing. And we were like... We were on a three-wheeler, so we could outrun her. You're on a trike? Yeah, we're on a fucking... We're straight up fucking three-wheeling through a golf course. And she came, get off this goddamn car!

Oh, you're kind of wrong. This is my different. We were able to get away. So I was like, well, one time I was shitting on this guy's lawn, and he came out with a fucking golf club. It's biodegradable. All right, nature. You fucking jerk.

I'm fertilizing. Wait, I mean, okay, in that situation, it's you and your brother and then them two. See, I'm with you. The problem is, I worry that people like that just bought their, they both have,

they got a brand new Smith & Wesson. Yeah. And they're dying to use it. Yeah, yeah yeah they're dying to like push the push a button this is like a tiny island that's open to like the public people are there kind of hanging out and it's also like if i went to the rocks and see your fucking chairs and your radio and your like swim goggles and shit it's like i'm not gonna stick around yeah i'm gonna leave i was gonna leave no matter once i saw you've already made this uncomfortable yes i don't need your music and your i'd have to be as psycho as you to interfere in whatever you've got going on yeah you fucking piece of shit yeah that's why when i hit a beach you don't own that

when i get off the fucking don't tell them in in New York don't tell them what if they do and they're just terrible at communicating they're like we own it sorry you can't go you gotta go that way this way is dangerous

there's sea lions and you're like fuck you and then you drown but they don't but they just don't know they drown that way step on a landmine

well some people I feel like have like a speech impediment does it make some sound like a fucking jerk off the whole time yeah they talk every time yeah but this isn't that i don't think yeah no i'm not defending suddenly i'm just defending these people dude these they sucked and then right after that i went and i i i was getting sandwiches with my with my family we docked we docked but we were getting gas at the same time i get i leave the boat they're gassing it up we go get sandwiches come back and the lady that's pumping the gas is

like where did you go and i was like she was like you need you like you can't just park your boat here and i was like i was getting gas and she was like yeah i know but then you have to stay with the boat dude and i and she was like because she was like it gets too I know, but you have to stay with the boat. She was like, it gets too crowded. Then I immediately was like, oh, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. No one was here when we pulled up. My bad. Full mea culpa.

I'm sorry. You're right. I'm wrong. I'll never do it again. She was like, yeah, because the thing is, she just kept on with it and walked with me for like 50 feet down the dock being and i was like i know i'm so sorry and she was like yeah because you know things dude shut up i am wrong you know right you know somebody is fucking that i know somebody is laying down with

that slob every fucking night and hearing her her bitch echo through the fucking walls of their little cabin in New Hampshire. It's just... They don't... They get upset because people don't go there until it's summertime. Yeah, yeah.

So you're a stranger. You're a foreigner that's coming into their land. They need to protect it. It's like... Yeah. All right. This episode is brought to you

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and former NFL Plus subscribers. Additional NFL Plus Premium terms at nfl.com slash terms. In South Jersey, they would have these people that lived or had a beach house in like Avalon or Sea Isle or Stone Harbor. And they would get their area

going like, well, I'm here every summer and I've never recognized you. Yeah, yeah. And they have beaches. Oh my God. So they're like, I'm from 38th Street.

This is my street. And she'll bring her three fat kids out and her spread is like the size of a deck. Yeah, yeah. And you can't go anywhere near. And the same shit.

Just plain fucking classic rock. I just can't stand when you agree that they're right on reason one. You give me the first reason as to why I shouldn't do this. And I go, you're right. I'm sorry.

Now I'm leaving. You don't need to give me six more reasons. Yeah. You also, and I'm realizing this as you're telling me this story. There's something I've known about you for a while, but I can now verbalize it finally. You do have, and hear me out. It's going to start.

No, no, no. This is starting. Not enough chromosomes. No, no, no, no no no no no no no you your sort of genuine good goodness shines too bright sometimes like what you have straight up no you listen listen you don't want to hear your energy since i've met you your energy is very like i can see some people being like, oh, I got to let my demons out on this guy. You're like a demon dog park. True.

People see you and go, I can vent shit that has nothing to do with him on this friendly I get this. Now I understand what you're saying. I bet people have out of nowhere crossed the street and been like, you know what? I'm sick of paying fucking bills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, what does that have to do? I'm not the guy.

Then why are you here? Yeah. That's what happened with the luggage lady. was like fuck this guy just threw my clothes people just approach you like my kids are fucking dog shit i'm not their dad and like then why are you here dude i think like people see you and like just little shit that has nothing to do with you that they meant to say to someone else who was too frightening or just too angry looking, they see you and they're like, I'm going to take it out on this guy.

I like this. You get shit taken out on you a lot. I almost want that. I get walked on in bars. In a way, I get disrespected. So do I. I get disrespected. You look like you own every bar you're in.

Yes, that's why you shouldn't be on my fucking ass. I'll be sitting in a bar stool. Dude, I swear to God, if I was on an air vent on the ceiling, there would be dudes climbing behind me to order a drink. I could be by myself. You? There's 50 of them. Yes.

I don't know what it is because I give off this vibe like you shouldn't bother me. I'm in my own fucking... You have, I own a successful chain of hookah bar energy. Bingo. Thank you so much, John. This guy's giving out compliments. You have, I own a successful chain of hookah bar energy. Bingo. Thank you so much, John. This guy's giving out compliments. If I didn't know you, I love that you took that as a compliment. I know.

I love also, like if I didn't know you, I would expect you to have like a thick Armenian accent. Like if I was like, oh man, I like your spot. You're the guy like, you like? Make me offer right now. You make me offer today today I throw in 2012 Honda Sonata I can't wait to get rid of this

yeah you're like I can't believe yeah I would I would assume that oh that guy owns this place yeah that's

that is the thing is that if you're sitting quietly and respecting the bar people see that as an alley to the bartender oh yeah if you're making a mess people stay away from it so that you're a funnel for orders these kids don't know how to drink here they don't

know how to drink they don't know how to just consume alcohol they don't know how to operate in a bar no matter what age like just sitting minding your own business there's dudes that like should get it right but they were never raised in an environment that they either got punched or got like checked yeah so they just they migrate around you and they're loud talking girls will bump you without saying sorry yeah and then now i'm like i get like fucking worked up like i found this bar you people weren't there yeah and the sixth street just starts fucking bleeding into these bar areas that I like and I protect. Well, something I've long said about Austin, and I do love it here, but also every bar is constantly trying to be an event. Yes.

Every bar is constantly trying to be the coolest, the most exclusive, the spot. Or just be a bar. Just be a fucking dive bar that people just want to be at and drink at and have conversations at. There are some outside of the city. There's a place... Sure, sure. There's a place...

They're off the beaten trail. But New York, the genuine sort of quiet watering hole is everywhere. Oh, yeah. You've got a bunch of just shitty neighborhood perfect dive bars. Here they turn an Irish pub

into a fucking hookah bar with fucking, you know, techno music. I mean, talk to any old school Austinian about Old Rainy Street. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like Old Rainy Street.

Like, I got to see the tail end of that coming here early on and that shit was magical. Really? Just shit. It was just houses turned into bars.

Yeah, it was like just cottages. Yeah, and they were all like divey, weird, fun bars and then like now it's you know now it's what it is yeah now you've got like skyscrapers skyscrapers and like for south by southwest it's like grandmaster flash is playing in this yeah after party at this 40

fucking person yeah private event i mean every like east sixth street some of those bars now i've been in on like a sunday to just go have an afternoon beer. It's fun. There's a DJ in there. Yeah. And they're blaring fucking trap. And you're like, on a Sunday? Yeah. Like, I just want to have drinks. I thought you were going to say they go back to their normal existence.

No. I've never. I don't think. That's what I'm saying. This is a festival based. There's a place called El Camino that keeps its. Yeah, it's true. El Camino show?

That place is great. It slows down after the weekend, and it's just, you get what you get. Well, Austin is good. There's a place called Mary's Bayou that I fucking love. Yeah. By here? No, it's... Mary's Bayou?

It's by... Oh, Bayou. Mary's Bayou. Mary's Bayou. Mary's Bayou. Mary's Bayou. Great name for a bar. Yeah.

Mary's Bayou. Or it sounds like just a fucking promiscuous... Mary's Bayou Or it sounds like Just a fucking Promiscuous Mary's Bayou You know what I mean A lot of dogs Got parvo in there You know what I mean

A lot of kidney failure For fucking Mary Mary's Bayou A lot of gators In that motherfucker You know what I mean That one lady Who's

That one homeless lady Who walks around In a diaper on 6th street That's Mary's Bayou She's Mary's Bayou Yeah Shaved head Great tits Decent body Decent body That one homeless lady that walks around in a diaper on 6th Street. That's Mary's body. She's Mary's body. Yeah. Shaved head, great tits, decent body.

Decent body. She wears a full fucking diaper. A full adult diaper. And she lays out. I'm telling you. She's unloading. She's got a good body. She's got a CrossFit body, dude. Fucking an unfit mind.

It's crazy. But she just sleeps in her diaper naked. You ever think some of them are cops? Yeah. Just take it. I haven't ever thought of that. I've seen so many animated hobos on Sixth Street. I'm like, some of these are fucking feds.

Some of this shit's got to be undercover. Dude, that is, first of all, what a commitment. You know? Hey, dude. I know, but they're- If you love the law. Dude, I said this. I said this.

I love the law. I've seen it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. I said it. If you love the law. Dude, I said this. I said this. I love the law. I've seen it. I said this. The beast is running on his dime. That's commitment. If this girl's gonna

clock in with a fucking suit, Listen, how many fucking undercover guys had to whack someone in the mob so they don't get made? You know what I mean?

All these guys gotta do is shit themselves on the street. My Uncle Terry had to whack a guy for the banana crime fam.

You don't think he sleeps ever again i said this when we first got down here that the the homeless like new york i feel like you have a pretty stock they're crazy but it's a stock homeless kind of guy oh there's a homogen there's a yeah wait i'm saying i'm trying to say homogenization. Hobogenization? Yeah. I like that. They just all become one style of hobo? But every homeless person down here is like Andy Kaufman level fucking. Put them on at Esther's Follies.

Pay these fuckers. Give them all their own hour. They're doing a bit. People will go and pay money to watch. Yeah. Yeah. all their own hour. They're doing a bit. People will go and pay money to watch. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

man, he asked for a dollar in 99 different ways. Over 45 minutes. It was brilliant. It was brilliant. Four shows. It was brilliant. It sold out.

Brilliant. He's doing a run next week. Yeah. There's a lady there. She's gorgeous. Just wears a diaper. Shits herself. It's avant-garde.

It's avant-garde. It's not for everyone. Yeah. gorgeous. Just wears a diaper. Shits herself. It's up on guard. It's up on guard. It's not for everyone. Yeah. One of the most fascinating points of quarantine was going, because I was still doing a podcast on like 35th

in Times Square. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. It's the only way I could make fucking rent because I never got the $1,200. I never got unemployment

due to 1099 income. They just, they were over, they overworked just they were over yeah they just overworked and they were like I can't I couldn't get through

I was like fuck I gotta make money and the homeless it was just me and the homeless I got a video of just me and Times Square like doing like a fucking

Instagram roundabout yeah but you still see creepy crawlers and the creepy crawlers are just separated you've never seen the homeless separated

the way they are in Austin in New York other than quarantine. They're just all isolated. Open. Yeah, yeah. They ruled the roost in Times Square, yeah.

That was crazy. It's like Philly. Well, in Brooklyn there are homeless guys who I like know because they're in my neighborhood. I've been in the same neighborhood for a while

and they're not fully homeless. Yeah. Like they got fresh kicks on sometimes and they clearly bathe once a day. They're halfway house guys. Yeah. Like they got fresh kicks on sometimes. Yeah. And they clearly bathe once a day.

They're halfway house guys. Yeah. But they'll roll up in the, they all have a similar pitch. Like me and David Cross, like live, you know, I toured with David. I opened for him. Yeah. Right? We live in the same neighborhood.

And it wasn't until like halfway through the tour last year where we realized like, oh, we both are, we both give money to the same guy oh really dude named joshua yeah it's same fuck we bought oh yeah that guy same kick same same pitch same thing where it's like what's his routine well his thing is he'll come up and he'll ask you for a specific amount and it'll always be to get into man if i get 350 i can eat tonight and that's but sometimes like how about just a 20 for the week he'll like ask oh it's nice yeah and like but it all it all happened for me five two but then sometimes but then sometimes he rolls off me like dude you know not for another week and he's like sorry sorry how you doing you know he knows your name really remember you but like the thing is this was pre

pandemic i had just done a bunch of spots on a, you know, Saturday night in New York. And I'm back in Brooklyn. I'm kind of hammered. I see him. And I'm like, you know what? And I just had maybe, you know, $300 in spot pay on me. And I was just like, here, bro. No.

Fuck it. I was just drunk. I was like, fuck, you know what? Here, man. I had a good night. And then the next day, I was like. He asked you again. No, but the next day, I was like, oh, I might have killed him.

Yeah. I gave him $300 fucking shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. and then the next day I was like he asked you again no but the next day I was like oh I might have killed him yeah I gave him 300 fucking yeah yeah yeah but if he remembers your name you'd think he's not just well no the next time I saw him he didn't ask for shit

he was just like thank you again but then one time 10 weeks but then one time I saw him and I was like I don't have any cash

he's like can I just get some groceries and I was like alright and we went into like a little like one of those like higher end bodegas you know where it's like they fancy it up of course and he he wanted raw chicken breast

because he's like i'm a cook right got him some raw chicken thighs some oat milk he got all this crazy shit and then i saw it and i went to a bar to meet some people and then like i saw maybe 40 minutes later selling trying to sell it oh my my God. And I was like, Joshua. Yeah. And he's like, oh man, Josh. And he would show his face when he saw me

and he saw the disappointment and the next time I saw him, he was like, he was, you could tell he was embarrassed. Oh my God. I mean, three things upon us.

I get it, man. You gotta do what you gotta do. But he was trying to sell, trying to sell it. And the fact of that like but but then i'm like maybe there are people who buy it though because that happened to my aunt i had an aunt r.i.p but she was a legit crackhead like full-on yeah addicted to crack would come in and out of our life one time she stayed with us for a month and when she left

she left behind in a matchbook a crack rock, right? And I was like, that's a crack rock. And you smell it. You're like, oh, that's crack. And I brought it to high school. I was a 10th grader. I brought it. I was just showing people the crack rock all day.

And one guy I knew was like, dude, let me get that from you. I was like, are you going to smoke? He's like, no, I'm going to fucking sling it, player. I'm like, no, whatever. And he's like, let me get it from you. I'm like, 10 bucks. And he gave me 10 bucks. And I was like, shit, I'm a legit crack. I'm like, whatever. And he's like, let me get it from you. I'm like, 10 bucks. And he gave me 10 bucks. And I was like, shit, I'm a legit crack. I sold crack.

Yeah. I've sold crack to a guy. I'm in this now. Right. Yeah. But she, the last time she got busted was because she was going into a Schweigman's. It's a grocery chain in Louisiana. Not Wegmans.

Schweigman's. Schweigman's. Just Jew Wegmans? I mean, is there a Wegmans? Oh, Wegmans, yeah. Schwegmans. It doesn't exist anymore, but yeah, Schwegmans. It was called Schwegmans.

Joshua Schwegmans. Joshua Schwegmans. That was the change they made when they went national. Schwegmans, you remember? Well, it was Winn-Dixie. Winn-Dixie's still there. Now you got Rouse's, Piggly Wiggly, but Schwegmans. She was going into one, shoplifting,

and peddling the shit out in the parking lot. And she got busted, but they had her on camera actually making a couple sales, which I'm like, that is mind-boggling to me. There's people like, oh, wait, honey, I know we need to pick up stuff for the barbecue tomorrow. However, this woman over here who smells like burnt hair, she says we can get this half-eaten

mega container of warm cold cuts for just two cigarettes at a dollar. We got to do it. Schweigman's prices, if you can resell that at a profit. Schweigman's prices.

There was a certain clientele they wanted there. You find a way to undercut that. That's business. There was a certain clientele they wanted there. You find a way to undercut that, that's business. My aunt was a pure free market capitalist, dude. And they put her... The government took her down for that.

Imagine trying to save a couple bucks on raw chicken from a woman in a diaper. My aunt is RFK Jr. She just transitioned. She's not dead.

She just transitioned, bro. Dude, that is Joshua's big mistake and his chicken. Yeah. Chicken's the hardest thing to resell. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't even buy chicken

resold from you. If you walk in here with Sean, extra chicken. Hey, I got these extra chicken breasts. I'm like, thanks so much, dude. Chicken thighs. A, chicken thighs. B, you know, that fucking air-compressed, tightly sealed. That doesn't matter. these extra chicken breasts I'd be like thanks so much dude chicken thighs A chicken thighs B it was that

you know that fucking air compressed tightly sealed you don't know how long this fucking animal's been in the heat yeah it was at night you think he's keeping it cool

yeah he can't even keep himself cool he's got a he's got a whole enterprise I don't know about I can imagine reselling all kinds of chips yeah

yeah well also almond milk something that doesn't give you fucking sickness that doesn't give you fucking sickness. Yeah. Doesn't make you

throw up out your ass. He said, when he came at me with the whole thing of almond milk, I was like, almond milk? He's like,

I love this shit. I just drink it. I'm like, probably does. Yeah. That's on you. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that was on me.

You didn't see any of this coming. I fell for it all. Almond milk. I was like, I know him. I know Joshua. And they're like,

yeah, he's also a street urchin for a reason you know what he's a good dude why don't these get a nice mark up on the almond milk for sure

all the major intersections in Brooklyn hell yeah have like that's where the homeless guys go in Austin so they just sit in the middle

of you know a four way they got signs dogs you know why don way They got signs Dogs You know Why don't they have Venmo Right Do you think this is like

Yeah You know when you You go to a concert Or whatever You're passing somebody going Sorry man I don't have change And they're selling something Like well we can Venmo

And then you're like I don't have A bank account And you're like fuck And you just back flip Out of that conversation Yeah Like these homeless dudes Just be backflip out of that conversation.

Like these homeless dudes would just be holding like the fuck. Backflip out of the conversation. Do a printout of your Venmo. I wonder if they're walking around being like, I gotta get my hands

on a QR code, man. I mean, yes. No, but I'm saying like, to your point, there's gotta be homeless people that are not truly homeless. They're just struggling. And a lot of these signs

will say that. Now they have phones. I've seen guys with phones. They'll say I'm not homeless. And girls. Women can be homeless too. They are now. I'm not homeless. And girls. Women can be homeless, too. They are now. This is an equality-based podcast.

They're much better at it. You have to have a bank account, right? So I wonder if the conundrum there is like, if this guy has a Venmo, now I feel like you're fucking me. But I don't have cash. A lot of people don't have cash these days. You don't walk around with a lot of cash, typically.

So you roll with it. There's no more change in the compartment like there used to be in the 90s. Yeah. Like, you're not like... There's also something about, like, I don't know. I'm to a point now with digital stuff where it almost feels like you're getting an STD. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's infecting you forever.

Yeah, yeah. It's like, I don't want to make digital contact with someone I don't trust. Oh, yeah. You know? Then you're, yeah, then you're like... Yeah. Tethered to them forever? Yeah, yeah. It's like I don't want to make digital contact with someone I don't trust. Oh, yeah. You know. Then you're like tethered to them forever. Yeah, they know something about me.

I got robbed in Vegas by two whores. Robbed? Robbed. How? Via fucking, not Venmo. Zelle?

Cash app. Cash app? Cash app. What? They went through, unlocked my phone, put it on the bar. Right in there, baby.

I mean, I mean, Tommy. And then I got, I got. Tommy, I love you. I shut it down. But Jesus Christ. Dude. Unlocked your phone

and put it on the bar. It was Skankfest. Yeah, exactly. I know. Lock that fucker up. Yeah, but. Don't even bring your phone to Skankfest.

Baby, my mind was doing backflips. Jesus. I don't even, I go under a fake name during Skank Fest. I create a whole character, you know? I'm walking around doing impressions. Yeah. I love how that story gets no sympathy.

I'm like, I got robbed at Skank Fest. It's like, no shit, idiot. I unlocked my phone and gave them my social security number. I was joking. Yeah, the girls were nice. They were just talking to me, not doing anything. In Vegas, of all places.

Jesus Christ. I mean, you don't even need this gang fest purse. In the what part? The shitty part. Old Town or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, Old Vegas.

Fremont. Fremont Ave. I love that part of Vegas. Disgusting. I prefer that part. Yeah, of course you do. This episode is also brought to you by Blue Chew.

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neutrophil dot com promo code stuff now back to the episode enough uh let me tell you about important products that you need to buy go with new vegas it's not designed to like i prefer so hard to walk from one it's just not designed to do that. It's not designed to... I love the dirty down... Yeah, yeah. Down, Fremont, shitty, gross. All the casinos kind of know their dog shit, so they take themselves less seriously.

I mean, you can't cheat, but like... Yeah. They're just a little more like, hey, Binions. Yes. Everybody's wearing a cowboy hat. Titty craps. All the dealers are hot women with boob jobs. And, whee! Put your money down. Titty craps. All the dealers are hot women

with boob jobs. Whee! Put your money down. $5 craps. You ever done a weekend in Reno? A long time ago. Yeah.

I remember being more like, wow, everyone's a conspiracy theorist and high. In Reno. In Reno. I found Reno,

yeah. Insane. Reno felt the exact opposite of Vegas. It's frightening. It's like if... It's almost a movie about the shitty part of Vegas, and they

just amp it up. Like it's all people carrying their limbs. They're all crackheads outside. There's nobody outside except for inside these shitty fucking casinos. It's like Atlantic City. Worse. Imagine Atlantic City times 10.

Whoa. It's the worst place on earth. But, Atlantic City, if some, I wish some fucking billionaire would just go and pump some money

into Atlantic City. They already did that. It's the biggest fucking real estate. Trump did that back in the day. Trump lost, but what's the,

Revel. Remember Revel? They put like a billion dollars into this new casino thinking it's going to start pushing high money and high real estate.

No. I think it was called Revel. I'm going to get shit about this but it's like the largest casino construction.

It was the biggest bust in real estate history. And it just went to shit? Was it in like the 90s though? Or was it like?

No early to I think it was like 2010. Because it's got the bone structure to be awesome. Yeah. was like 2010. It's not that long ago. It's got the bone structure. It's beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's beautiful. That's the fucking boardwalk. You can go right to Stone Army. You can go right up there. Yeah, yeah. Right up the coast. The boardwalk, dude. Yeah, but nobody lives.

And the people that live down the shore in the winter, they're fucking animals. They're not coming. I mean, obviously, they'd like to go to a casino. But you don't go south. You stay in your your little pit i mean yeah you get you get two blocks off that boardwalk you're like damn it's crazy this is some fucking tupac elliptic 100 this it's like camden it's like you go yeah the city is a fucking city and it's dangerous crazy like you're like oh this was what a post-apocalyptic world would be like. Yeah. I need a sword.

Yeah, there's people shitting in the street. The worst comedy club in the world was in, it's gone now, but it was in the Tropicana in Atlantic City. What was it called?

Comedy Stop. The Comedy Stop. It was the worst fucking place. Really? The worst fucking place. It was early on when I, the first agent I ever had,

I liked him because he was honest and he called me once. He's I ever had, I liked him cause he was honest and he called me once. He's like, listen, I got a week for you cause you do the full week. You do Sunday to Monday. Yeah. No, Monday to Sunday. Oh wow.

You did the full week. And he was like, it's a feature. It's feature. The pay is not insane. Uh, but you don't have anything this week. It's a two weeks away. You, you want it? Uh, I was like, yeah, you know, you know young young comic i'm like yeah yeah yeah

he's like all right you're gonna hate it you are it's like this is not gonna be your vibe but it's good for you to grow and it's money and i was like you know what fuck yeah and after the very first i was featuring 20 minute spots after my very first set they're waiting for me after i get off stage like come on and they bring bring me into the manager's office and I get on the phone with the owner. There's this dude named Bob Kephart, for anybody who knows. And he's an older fucking douchebag. I think

he's dead now, RIP, but like, he was a dirtbag. But he watches all the shows from his home. Live? Live. So I get on the phone with him and he's like, well, he goes, how did you think that went? I'll never forget this.

I was like, well, you know, it was a little bumpy but I think I got him by the end. He's like, okay. I didn't. I thought I was terrible. He said,

that might have been the worst performance I've ever seen on my stage. And I was just like, okay. And he's like, so I'm bringing in another feature tomorrow. You're both going to go on

and whoever has the better set keeps the week. That's just how it's got to go, bud. And he hung up. I was was like that's fucking psycho oh my god and i like went out got you know afterward to get some drinks and then called my agent at home and he lived in la so i was like dude fuck this what the fuck i was a little hammered and he goes listen i hear you if you want to get back on a fucking bus or train go back to New York tomorrow I get it or

just give it this one more set see if you could get something out of it just see and I was like alright and me and this other guy this Philly guy

I can't remember his name but he was Philly tacky Philly fucking guy I don't I'm sure you guys if I can remember his name you're like

oh that guy but we both go up and we both do fine. What year is this? 2010. 11, 2011. Can you describe him? You if you sucked.

All right. You know what I mean? Like, well, like muscular, good looking dude, but his acts, oh,

what do you do? Suck his cock? Yeah, yeah. You know, like that, just very like. Who would that be? Nice enough, yeah yeah you know like that just very like who would that be nice enough dude

but the shit was just very basic and uh afterwards the Bob was there the owner was there that night

we go into the room and he's like I like both your sets I'm keeping both of you so we just had this week where we were both doing shorter feature spots

but he kept us and we both did a fucking full week. And it was, I hated it so much. I hate everything. They put you up in a shitty condo, and then you're just in the Tropicana, which is a dumbass, not fun. Oh, my God. And I hated it, and then thought I was never going to go back.

And then, like, two months later, my agent was like, they're offering you a headline a week. Let's go. And I was like, you know what? Fuck it. I took it just to be like, whatever. You know what you're getting now yeah and that was even worse that was that was just even worse like every set i just ate it wait did you do the same material no i mean it was it was a it was made i say a few months it was probably almost a year later but i just remember it wasn't a full year but that week they were nice to me because i was headlining yeah but they were just the show sucked and the guy was there every night but he never

watched my set but he would do that thing afterwards he was like great set i'm like there's no way you thought yeah that was but it was just worse being there and like the people that show up to that shit well they're all is horrific they're also all just lost whatever amount of money they put up to gamble they're in atlantic city they were all a lot you said camden i remember being a lot of camden people yeah a lot or a lot of philadelphia people like that what's that other is camden new jersey yeah across the river from yeah that area yeah yeah thank you yes a lot of that shit yeah a lot of people coming out of the woods. They seek out entertainment.

The Pine Barrens. Yeah, or the woods. They seek out entertainment because they're disgusting fucking animals. Dude. And they go to casinos and then they go, oh, there's a comedy thing going on. Yeah. And they're either ticketing it or they just go, this will be fun. I've never done this before.

Yeah. They're not fans of comedy, obviously. So you just, you have the worst. Old. I've never done this before you're not fans of comedy obviously so you just you have the worst old I've never once had a good old time

there's old people there's like a wheelchair section yeah nobody's fucking having fun and then you just well I remember the guy the guy who was headlining

when I did it the first time was straight up doing street jokes yeah straight the fuck murdering murder yeah like just laying the place to pieces yeah yeah was straight up doing street jokes. Yeah. Straight the fuck up. Murdering? Murdering.

Yeah. Like, just laying the place to pieces. Yeah, yeah. I remember, dude, I do remember this. I do remember this. The host that first time was this old motherfucker who I know, I've heard is still alive and lives in Peru now, just retiring.

This dude named Cork Proctor. Right? Exactly. And he was old as shit and he fucking he fucking he would do just like basic crowd work i remember he had bits that were like well folks i work clean but i think it's time to get a little risky so i'm gonna say the f word let's all say it together on three one two three four closure all, four. Closure. Alright? You gotta remember, buy when the market's low

and pay your mortgage. Pay your mortgage. It ruins a lot of lives. Oh my god. It was shit like that. He'd be like, he's like, you know what ruins a lot of marriages? Infidelity. Why would you cheat on your loved ones, you know? You gotta

be faithful, folks. It was a lot of applause-breaking shit. But it was a on your loved ones? Oh, my God. You've got to be faithful, folks. It was a lot of applause-breaking shit. But it was a lot of also like life lessons because he was so old. You know what I mean? Where he's like, I tell you, you know what this guy's problem is? He's not flossing. I can see that from here, sir. And you're going to regret that when you get gingivitis.

And it was just like, but we, I became obsessed with him. And we found a clip of his from like the Bob Hope show. Like, was it Bob Hope? Or Dick? What's the other guy? Dick Clark? Dick Clark, maybe. It was one of those guys.

And Cork did a set. It was like a show that was not on for very long. He did a set. He was doing crowd work for his TV set. Seriously. He was like, where are you from? And someone was like, Burbank. Like, how's that highway coming along and it's like 1981 this is a big shot dude cork brock but he was such a sweet old man he lives in peru now from

what i heard last i brought him up someone brought him up once i was like tell me you know cork proctor yeah and they're like yeah it was some Yeah. And they were like, yeah. It was some Vegas comic. They were like, he retired years ago. He lives in Peru. And I was like, that's, thank you. I'm so happy to know that about you. What a sweet story. Cork Proctor.

They could make a living and like just be? Well, a lot of Americans, that's a lot of expats. You make enough money, you can just move to certain parts of South America and just live off it. You make 150 grand, you can live for 25 years. Yeah. In certain parts of South America and just live off it you make 150 grand you can live for 25 years yeah in certain parts just having the best life

and just like you know a middle class life I'm sure but that's most of those yeah just living a peaceful chill life

go to the beach learn Spanish do some ayahuasca yeah it's all fucking kids come out of an ayahuasca out of an ayahuasca trip like you know what

we all have an inner child and i'll tell you right now that inner child needs to go to school yeah it needs an education it's important it's a foundation i've seen the end and beginning of all things and guess what there's a doormat wipe your feet no one wants to bring germs into the infinity and beyond. I'm doing Buzz Lightyear now. There is a sweetness to like just knowing somebody could just be so fucking average like that. Dude, the moving to another

country, that's my game plan. He's fleecing us. It's amazing. I mean, that's also... You work the Tropicana for a couple years and then you just we would kick on down in peru well vegas now open a pizza place yeah vegas now has a pretty good comedy scene he's got a bunch of clubs and shit yeah but apparently because he i remember him telling me how he started in vegas and was every year they didn't have comedy clubs there

forever yeah it was just you're opening for fucking wayne newton yeah yeah it's like your your act is your bits are gonna be fucking crazy i'll tell you right now after my ayahuasca bender i don't even know i know one thing we're all matter that's all we are is matter you know what that matter needs to do exercise all? You'll want to keep your heart pumping. It is crazy. Learning to do comedy in a casino. Dude. It's like, yeah. In front of a bunch of...

A plant growing next to a power plant. You're stunted forever. Dude, that's fucking... That's funny. Oh, Atlantic City. What if it were... What if it like...

If the multiverse is real, there's a version of life where Atlantic City is Austin right now where everyone's trying to live there I'd go right away where comedy motherships

on the fucking boardwalk oh yeah you know what I mean I'd go in a fucking heartbeat you know just living on go gamble and then when you lose

all your fucking money walk into the Atlantic bro see if it's pitch back out yeah if that'd be so funny, if Rogan was a huge surfer. The mothership's in

French Polynesia. Just fucking ripping chokers. Just mitzvahs in Sea Isle. Just fingering all these 23-year-olds again. God. Again. I miss the beach. That's the worst God. Again. I miss the beach. That's the worst part about here. I miss the beach.

I miss going to the ocean. You're an ocean guy? Oh, yeah. Big time. I sit on the ocean. I'll sit on the beach for eight hours, ten hours, till the sun up, sun down. You ever been to Costa Rica?

Yeah, I have been to Costa Rica. I got shit on by a monkey in Costa Rica. By a monkey? By a monkey. That's good luck, right? It's like rain on your wedding day. Yeah, I was doing the zip line.

And a monkey took a shit on you? What? I wasn't doing the zip. I was in the fucking box with the other... With the helmet on? My whole shit, yeah. Just dumped all over my hairy arm. And the monkey's like, I can order a drink

over this guy. I can probably take a shit on like, I can order a drink over this guy. I can probably take a shit on him. I'm ordering two bananas over this wine. Wait, were you in Jayco? Huh? Were you in Jayco? No, I went to Steps Beach. Okay.

No, Steps Beach was Puerto Rico. We went to... Tamarindo. Maybe. Gotta be Tamarindo. It was a resort, though. We fucked up. It was young.

I was like 22. Okay. Instead of going outside the resorts, I went fucked up. It was young. I was like 22. Okay. Instead of going outside the resorts, I went to an all-inclusive. I got fucking cooked. Day one, I got there at 4 p.m. I'm like, there's no UVs. I was like, I'm tanned. I'll be fine.

Dude, the impression I put on my leg was like a Tempur-Pedic. Like a memory foam. You could press in, and it stayed indented for like 30 minutes. The skin was just fucked. Only an East Coast Italian can make an age

sound like an insult. Like, 22. You said a number. I was like, God, there was so much vitriol.

I was like, you got 22. You're like, oh God. Why are you saying this about yourself? Tommy, you're a good guy.

I'm 22. Come on, bro. We've all been 22 before. I say I start the sentence like that going, excuse what I've done after that. I know, I know. But dude, that's fucking. Why'd you say Costa Rica? We're going there for my brother's bachelor party.

Oh, nice. In January. Have you ever been? I've never been, no. I've never, yeah, I've never been either. That's great. I've never seen clear water. Really?

Yeah. It's interesting, but there's no fucking surf. When there's no surf, I'm out. I'm out after like 20 minutes. Costa Rica should have surf. This is not fun unless there's like golden tits coming out of it. I'm more of a Lake Rivers lagoon guy. Yeah. That's my shit.

I mean, yeah. Yeah, you know what I mean. You're from Louisiana. Give me a dirty pond. You know what I mean yeah dude you're from Louisiana I like to go give me a dirty pond you know what I mean give me a bayou yeah you want a merry bayou

yeah I want a bayou who's merry put your beer on a lily pad yeah you know what I mean I want a hot I just want to play Frogger I just want to play Frogger

I remember dude like one speaking of bats so a bachelor party I went on, the first bachelor party I ever fucking went on when I was like

toint-to, toint-to, toint-to, but it was, we rented a houseboat. It gives me so much shit the way I talk, like he talks

any different No, I love the way you talk. Do I talk like you? You got the same energy. Do I talk like you? Wait, am I talking like you sometimes? You got the same fucking har you got the same energy do I talk like you? wait am I talking like you? you got the same fucking harumph

and the same energy just a different part of the land that actually makes me feel good your dog barking at itself in the mirror you also have similar beard coloring that's why we get along yeah he picked me up in fucking mittsies

and held me like a fucking like a five year old he said you were a headlocked I wrapped my legs around him well we got to that point oh I said yeah the Tommy Pope if Tommy Pope likes you when he said you were a headlocked man I'd wrap my legs around him well we got to that point oh I said yeah the Tommy Pope if Tommy Pope likes you

when he hugs you he also accidentally puts you in a rear and makes you choke hold accidentally you gotta go for the fucking I love you buddy

but I'm gonna cut off your fucking ass supply for a second that's how much I love you I miss there is a point there's a point in Tommy's drinking

where it's like you need to wear like hockey pads he's just like smacking your drinking where it's like you need to wear hockey pads. He's just like smacking your shoulder and hitting you. That would be so funny if we're all hanging out at the table and I'm like, all right, take a piss. You come back, you just all have helmets on. I mean, it is also, you know you enjoy someone's company

where you're like, I know he's going to cut my windpipe off for a second. I'm all right with it. He's excited. I'm excited. It's warm. It's fun. It's wrestling with a dog. You're also a light guy. What, light? Light. Like light to pick up. When I pick you up. Yeah.

I'm also a low center of gravity. I'm up to 185. You're stronger than you look. I'm a low center of gravity. You're built like a wine cork, but you're fucking strong in the shoulders. Where do you think I'd all come from? I'll do fucking... I'll do 30 pike push-ups right now in front of your face. Let's go, dude. I don't want to.

It's Sunday. I don't do push-ups on the Lord's Day. That's a good way. Dude, I don't exercise on the Lord's Day. Disrespectful.

The best compliment I have for Texas is Sundays. Sundays are wonderful. Everyone's indoors between three and like the rest of the night. No one's on the roads. It's all family, church.

Yeah. No one's out. Wait, do bars close at midnight on Sunday? They close at like 10, I think. And all the beer distributors or liquor stores are closed. Really? But you can go to a mart to get like ciders and shit. So bars tonight are going to be closed.

Bars are open. Liquor stores are closed. Right. Yeah. Like I got it. I mean, I tomorrow. I've got to put one on. What time's your show? Oh, by the way, Sean's been fucking murdering. It's been fun. The shows have been amazing.

The place is great. Do you watch the show last night? Yeah, I watched half of it. I late spotted the little boy that I had to bop out. It's a fun ass room. Yeah. It's a great, the best.

The crowd's here, man. Yeah. The people here, if you want to talk, you want to go from, from Atlantic City casinos to the best club in the world. Yeah, yeah. I've, it's very rare. And the only time I have like a bad time, it's like fucking midnight in the little boy where they've been sitting for three fucking hours.

If they show up, they're, they're there to have fun. Austin has, in my experience as a comedian, always been an awesome comedy star. Yeah. First time I ever came here

was 05. Like, early 06. Like, right after Katrina kind of thing. A bunch of New Orleans guys moved here.

And I remember just being, it was my first time here, absolutely enthralled by how good the audience was. Yeah. It's always been. It's always been like a dope fucking, and like before Rogan got here, there was a great,

it was a smaller comedy scene, obviously, but it was fucking amazing. But that is the upside of every bar trying to make it like an activity thing. It's like people expect to go somewhere and see something. Sure, sure. Music or like fucking, yeah. Give me barbecue.

Yeah. I love the fucking. That's the worst part. You've been to Terry Black's. You've been to Cooper's Pit. You've been to Franklin's. No, I'm not going to wait six hours. For anything.

To eat anything. Anything. Any line. Yeah. I don't wait in line to piss. I'll piss in the street. I'm not waiting in line for a donut, fucking brisket. I don't care what it is.

You're waiting in line. Grow up. I don't care. Yeah is. You're waiting in line. Grow up. I don't care. Yeah. Get a hold of yourself. There are people I've heard will bring lunches to wait in line. Yeah. People camp out.

Will bring food to wait in line for food. Yeah. I mean, there's no fucking way it's that, anything's that good. Some of these places too. I get it, it's great, but. Some of these places too are, I've waited in line once. I like this. And some of these places are, they it's great but some of these places too are I've waited in line once and some of these places are

they're really artificially slow oh like it's not it's not like it's not like a thing where they're like fucking moving

and shaking and the lines out the door and they can't they're taking their sweet ass time yeah yeah yeah

the juice cats is fucking they want you out of there you see them cut that fucking that juvie taking their sweet ass time. Deli moose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Jewish guys. Yeah, don't give a fuck. Katz's fucking moose. They want you out of there. You see them cut that fucking, that Jew meat? Shrami? They don't even,

they don't even do this. I mean, I don't know where they find these Jewish cows, but they get that good meat. Yeah. Like if they were pumping it out, you'd be like,

hey, what can you do? I mean, I have been to Terry Black's and I remember it being a wait. And I remember being like, this is very good. Yeah. If I had to wait a half an hour longer, I'd be angry right now.

It's good. Yeah, yeah. It's just good. Because that's the thing with food. It's like, I get it. We all want to eat delicious food. But also, if you want to see comedy, and you see shitty comedy, you are not satisfied yeah if you want to eat delicious

food can't afford it don't have the time but you just eat anything else you're satisfied the primal need is met so like waiting excess excessively long to do a thing that i can do in a 15th of the time just seems obscene i will say and there's also the thing where you judge a place by the sides. Yeah. In my opinion. Sides are great. It's like.

Go to an Italian restaurant first thing you get is a side of meatballs. Yeah, yeah. It'll tell you everything that's in that kitchen. Yeah. 100%.

If you wait in line that long and they first of all they don't have a lot of side options or the sides are just like whatever you're like what the fuck. Yeah.

Or they have no sides. If it's just like a classic burger place and they're like we don't do fries. And you're like that the fuck yeah or they have no sides if it's just like a classic burger place and you're like we don't do fries and you're like that's a good burger that's a good fucking

but they got chips on the rack I love I do I love and respect any restaurant that doesn't do changes to the items yeah

that's how it comes that's how it fucking comes yeah that's how it comes you don't want it you don't eat it I agree go wait in line yeah

go wait in line go wait in line for your franklin's barbecue they're gonna run out by the way you're gonna wait in line for six hours you're gonna run out dude as a disgruntled pill head chef coming up and you finally get your fucking your shop, your restaurant

and you go this is all I want to sell it's the best out there and then there has to be that financial turn where you go now I can be a and then there has to be that like financial turn where you go now i can be a cunt oh that has to feel so great going tell them the fuck off tell them yeah i don't care about yelp i don't care about anything online get the fuck out there's no mess there's no mustard there's no ketchup there's no mayo there's no salt and pepper on the table eat it or get the fuck out of here you've got a line down oh you got allergies you shouldn't

have been such an asshole in a past life. What do you want me to tell you? Yeah, yeah. What do you want me to tell you? Yeah. Go away. You were raised by two lesbians and didn't let you eat nuts.

That is, that's a sick mode to be in. My cousin got to the place with his pizza place where he was just like, I make this many pies a day because I don't want to make any more. Yeah. And that's it. It sells out when it sells out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a place in there. That place is called This Many Pies. I like that. That's what it's called. I like that. This many. I that sells out when it sells out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a place in that place called this many pies. I like that. What's called? I like that. This many. I'm all out of dough.

This many pies. This many. How many? This many. That's the fucking motto. Not the motto. What am I trying?

The logo? Yeah. This many. You got something to plug, baby? We're out of here. Oh, shit. I got, when's this coming out?

When's it going to drop? I don't know. All right, well, if it does in time, I'm in Boston at the Crystal Ballroom, August 31st. I'm at the fucking, wait, two more. I got two more. Hold on. I got it.

I'm on a roll with David Cross all the fall, but I got Whitson and Charleston September 6th and 7th and The Punchline in San Francisco September 18th through the 20th. And I finally have a podcast debuting with young Ryan Donahue. Oh, fuck yes. Yeah. I just talked to him yesterday. Yeah, we're doing a podcast called.

We love Ryan. Yeah, he's great. It's called The Best Guys Pod. Fuck yeah. I love this pod and it's debuting in the next couple weeks it's like us yeah he's me

Ryan's you there it is there it is yeah you hack Robert yeah he was telling us about I think this is great that'll be fun

let's go it's gonna be awesome thank y'all it will be out before the 31st perfect perfect yeah thank you subscribe

oh also the show on FX yeah English Teacher premieres on FX yeah English Teacher premieres on FX September 2nd it's I'm ecstatic about it

looks great looks great fuck yeah dude thanks man congratulations thank you oh yeah buy me a beer

yeah