Stuff Island - Luke Touma + Josh Francis - Stuff Island #256

Episode Date: October 21, 2026

Comedians Chris and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. Check out our second channel @LookatDish where Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor cook elaborate meals with your favorite comedians SUB TO THE PATREON: PATREON.COM/STUFFISLAND Download the DraftKings Super app now. New customers sign upwith code STUFF & spend $5 to get $200 in total bonuses within 21days @ https://www.draftkings.com/mobileappsDon’t sleep on @ultrapouches. New customers get 15% off with codeSTUFFISLAND at https://takeultra.com #UltraPouches #adventure Right now, when you buy two months of BlueChew Gold you get the third FREE with promo code STUFFISLAND. https://www.Bluechew.com Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope #comedy #comedypodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What are we going? Just a funny way after. To give you the Now that you're finally here, look. It would be so perfectly on brand for you to start a podcast with a deep sigh. It's the most christling ever to go. Okay. All right.

Now that you're here, I wanted to ask you. What's new? What's amazing? What's up, man? But yeah, Tommy's getting married to. We're all, we're just fucking,

we're racing around, dude, and trying to get hairs cut, trying to get, yeah. You guys got suits? I have a, just a black suit,

like a, like nothing black suit. But then I, like, I don't know. I tried to funkify it. I bought some funky pants. And now I'm like,

questioning the decision. Yeah, I'm questioning everything. I'm building around the pants. Yeah. You can't start from pants up, dude. I think I got to. You got to start like cute.

We're not, you and me are both, we're not goofy suit people. I've tried that too, dude. I got a, yeah. I got a, yeah. Are you implying that I am? You, I got, you know, I totally am. I totally am, unfortunately. You're more whimsical than us.

I'd say you're the most whimsical. Don't you fucking ever accuse me to be in whimsical. You're slightly. Dude, you're out of your mind. You're not extremely whimsical. Dude, look at, you're talking with your hands. most whimsical thing you can do. Yeah, but that's just in my blood.

That's just trying to make the point. That's Italian. I'm just trying to say something. Are you aware of his occult activities? I don't even want to. I don't even want to get into it. What's going to? What's going to?

What are you? He's collecting crystals or something? Yeah, yeah. He's like turns into a werewolf of night. His, him and his lady cast spells and shit. What's going on? No, dude. Which is on some bullshit,

dude. What's go? What do you mean? You're a cold activity? He's up to, he's up to stuff at night. He's been, he's been accused. accusing me of being up to something for a couple of months now i've been seen you a couple weeks if you become magical no he's always been more than usual he's always been magical he's always been magical

you guys are catching me too i'm on a i got a belly full of orchata what is that oh it's like mexican cinnamon milk it's mexican cinnamon milk it's it's you know when you eat cinnamon toast crunch and then you finish the cereal and then there's just a milk it's that but But they've been doing it in Mexico for thousands of years, pre-cinimate toast crunch being invented. Whoa. Yeah, what if they were reverse engineered cinnamon toast crunch from Horchata?

I guarantee. I would, like, we want this to be the result. Yes. Of whatever cereal the kid eats. Yeah, no, there was some...

We want this to be the broth that's left behind. Yeah, there was some, like, Jewish guy in a laboratory. He was like, well, the Mexicans in 3,000 years have made a collective $9 profit on this. So there's clearly... But there's clearly an open. We could grab it.

we could grab some serious market share here. They haven't found a way to monetize it. They're giving it away for free at Toccaria's. So if we can sell it in dry box forms, it'll last forever through an apocalypse. Dude, the toast crunch. What is, what is, you know, I wonder if kids are still

eating cereal. That's a good question. Like, and the types of cereals that we were eating. Bro, boomers love cereal. My mom's boyfriend talks about cereal like it's a steak he had at a restaurant. Really? Yeah, he'll tell you what the cereal he ate yesterday as a fond memory.

I mean, I have fond memories of cereal. Yeah, but he's talking about 24 hours ago. He's talking about yesterday's breakfast. What's his favorite? He's a toast crunch guy. He's a Honey Nutcherio guy. Yeah. He got to keep that cholesterol check.

My mom would be. It's good for your heart. Dude, I feel like cereal, like, I think about cereal now, like I think about like tackle football. Yeah. It's just like, if I put that in my body, dude, the farts and diarrhea that would be coming out for days. No, it is. There's something antiquated. Like, every guy eating cereal should be wearing a leather helmet. He should look like an auto gram. You're eating a bowl of cereal. But I remember having that moment where like I started watching television that like they weren't advertising cereal on.

Yeah. And I was like, I haven't all this cereal commercials. I like didn't realize it. That's a great point. Because I was watching, it used to be like everything that I was watching. They were advertising like honeycomb and like Honeynutcheria like stuff like that. Cinnamon toast crunch cookie crisp. I'm cuckoo for cocoa nuts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coco puffs. Yeah. You got it. Coco nuts. Coco nuts. That's just like a porn star shoot. It's like a porn star.

I'm sure the CEO of Kellogg's is lobbying hard against sports gambling for this reason. Like he's trying to get fanned gulfs shut. Vandu really encroached on his territory. They should, yeah. They should do that. Nobody talks about the sports gambling cereal beef. Yeah. Remember the cinnamon toast crunch stick?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. They had the Jamaican cinnamon toast crunch stick. Yeah, that was great. Unbelievable marketing. Yeah. The Jamaican. He was Jamaican.

Yeah, he was a, they had a full patois. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we go on make you morning. Yeah. Get around that milk.

What you're doing without that milk? You just biting it about it. It looks like a spliff. It really did. It's conical. You're kind of nailing it. Honestly. It just looks like 2012 with

Wiz Khalifa. It's like what it really, it's like a skinny thing with dreds. It's a skinny Jamaican guy with dreds who is also a cinnamon stick. He's ripping a toke. Take a talk. And a cinnamon to a stick. Take a dog

and a cinnamon rainbow. They got bagged gummies. I forgot about that guy. Yeah. That and the Lucky Charms one. Those are the two big ones. Or the silly rabbit tricks are for kids. Yeah.

That was tricks, obviously. What was that for? What was that for? Yeah, the tricks rabbit couldn't hold a candle to the overt racism of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch guy and the Lucky Charms people. What do you think? Yeah. The Lucky Charms guy was just such a solid Irish fun.

Solid Irish fun. And I think the Cinematose Crunch guy is a solid Jamaican fun. But I bet in the, you know, in the tricks board room, they were like a rabbit. Yeah. They're like, so he's not Mexican or anything? He's just a fucking rabbit? Yeah. We're not going to compete.

No, it was good. That was like, that was the height of like the Bugs Bunny kind of era. Yeah, that's true. You know, they like, I think they just missed the, because that rabbit was having a tough time. The tricks are having. Yeah, yeah. He was having like a real tough time, like getting the tricks, was he? Yeah.

Yeah. Like it was the opposite of the, the Irish guy had the charms. Yes. And the kids were after him. Yeah. Which is anxiety inducing. But the rabbit, everyone's a short horror film every commercial. The rabbit was a loser

The rabbit needed it And they would never give it to him Yeah the rabbit was hungry and poverty stricken Where the lucky The leprechaun He had a pot of- It was like these are mine you're taking He had a pot of cereal gold

They were always- And he was like we're not going to redistribute anything Yeah You explained to me how 90% of the population Make a 10% of Lucky Charms Yeah Dude I earned these lucky

Zichis. Hey kids, don't you pull yourself up with your bootstraps. I don't think it's a lucky charms problem. Dude. They did have some good commercial.

Now, you know what? They were stealing the cookies. Cookie Kris. Cocoa Kris. Cooking for Cocoa cuffs. Coco puffs. Was the,

Something else was going on. I've been eating my new cereal. I do eat cereal. I eat the yogurt ball, the Kellogg's one. They have little yogurt clusters. They're great. It's great. Yeah, it's great.

Nice. I eat it. I eat it a lot. I do that instead of going out to eat because when I go out, like at night when I'm back from shows. Because sometimes I get back at like. Crush a bowl of cereal. And I go, I can eat a bowl of cereal and not feel like a bucked pig in the morning. Yeah.

You don't hit Pete Terry's on the way. Pete Terry's, you don't fucking wake up. I had, I ripped McDonald's last night for no reason. I went and saw that Nathan Fielder movie that just came out. You can see everything about Emily, um, dude. I mean, it's unbelievable. Yeah. You really

need to go see it. It's, yeah, fuck. Elizabeth Holmes is a fucking, I don't know, I don't, I don't want to talk about it because you guys haven't seen it, but also I don't, I know anything about Elizabeth Holmes. Yes. Oh, you weren't familiar with the, wait, so, wait, did you say, did I know? Yeah, you know what, like the whole, yeah. I knew.

I went into it knowing who about her. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did, I did. Uh,

sorry, I misheard you, but yeah, because there was a documentary a while ago that was like, whatever it was called blood something. Yeah, yeah.

Blood simple. Yeah. And, dude, they talk about that in the show in the movie. They show that. Dude, yeah,

dude, you, yes, you, I, I, you watch. The clip alone is like staggering.

Yeah, it's great. It's haunting. Yeah. You, I go, she might either be the biggest dumb fuck I've ever met or like you've ever seen and witnessed like observed or she's the most

manipulative and you don't know and that's all I'll say because they paint it so good yeah you're like what the fuck is happen anyway so I got she a conniving villain or like this retarded that she is she so it's almost like not even it's almost like is she so autistic she's missing social cues is kind of how they paint well that's to me like what like what's interesting about that clip and I almost have like a tremendous amount of sympathy for her is that it almost feels like it's a person who is very confused by the world and like sought to understand what humans were looking for and got it. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like she did do it. She made that company. Yeah. And everyone was like, she's a genius. She was doing it. And then it's like it wasn't until everyone

found out that the company was fake, that they started looking at like the way she was looking at people and were like something's wrong. Because they bought the routine. But just the idea alone, everyone was like, what an amazing woman. Yes.

Yeah. And like, her, her like heavy eye contact and like the way she talks, people bought it. It was working. Also, Nathan Fielder does this. He might be the only person I've ever seen who's an autistic bot guy

who bullies other autistic people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He bullies from, it's autistic on autistic crime. Yeah, true. It's great. The first like two weeks of my kid's life, I just crushed all four seasons of Nathan for you.

I mean, he might be the funniest person. Dude, it's so goddamn good. Dude, and he's just like, it's like he knows, he knows being autistic so well that he knows the lapses in the other people's social skills and just leans into them. Like, he will be quiet right when the person he's talking to

doesn't want him to. and he just makes them Rive in Asperger Z discomfort. It's fucking amazing. And he's incredible. And he's vicious, he's vicious. Yeah.

He's great. Yeah. I mean, what he's, again, dumb Starbucks to me was, yeah. Brilliant.

I think the one of my favorite ones is when he gets, he gets smoke detectors registered as a musical instrument just so he can like get a tariff on it to save a guy like $3,000. And he, like, creates a band. And he makes the band go number one by, like, staging a, giving away free oil on like a, like, he just does this whole elaborate thing to then

in the background of this news report have the song playing and featured on the news station. So then it's like officially a song. Officially music. A music instrument. And then he goes back to the guy like seven months later. And he's like, I did it. Like I completely forgot we had this conversation. does feel like it is. It's like lawyer comedy.

It's so much it is lawyer comedy. Trying to get the pet store more business. So he gets, he gets a pet fly, waits for it to die, buries it, buys a plot of land in a pet cemetery, and puts up like a 20 by 10 foot headstone for his fly, and then doubles the headstone as an advertisement for the ladies pet shop. So it's like a giant billboard sized headstead. that's both his flies headstone and they advertise it and he brings her there and he's like look isn't that great now people who are mourning their pets are gonna see want a new pet and see the and she's like mortified she's just really upset there is something about letting he does

you're saying he weaponizes silence he really does like lead people right where he want like that one clip where he gets the guy to admit that he like drinks his grandson's pee I mean when He just, first of all that guy just kind of talked. He offered it up. He offered it up. But then like, to not ask a billion questions immediately and just let him start to explain it would take a discipline that I wouldn't have. To not lose your mind.

He just go, what? Yeah. Yes. He does that with that lady who like, fuck the ghost. Yeah. He does that too. He's like,

wait, what happened in Berlin? Yeah. wherever she was. Well, it's one thing to see... You had sex with the kids. To see an able-bodied, able-minded man bully

kind of autistic people is funny enough, but to see someone do it from the inside, he's so much more equipped. But she also, I imagine, is like a big silence maximizer. Yeah. So it's like, it's two people playing the same game. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like it almost feels like I can imagine they arrived in somewhat of the same place through different means. You almost feel like there's sexual tension. Yeah. Because there's just heavy eye contact for like way too long. Like there's scenes that are so funny. It's unbelievably funny.

The movie's unbelievably funny. But there are just scenes where it's just like them staring at each other. Dude, I remember forever. you, I like, when I was into listening to Sam Harris, I remember him like telling me, or not telling me, but telling the listener. He like, he, he did this thing once that he like, at some point in college, he just like, he was really disturbed with the fact that he couldn't make eye contact with people for a long time. So for like six months, you just went like, I'm going to make unbreaking eye contact with everybody. It's just like it was insane. It was insane.

To just never avert eye contact, to just always just be like... To practice. Yeah, yeah. I think he literally said he was like, I didn't like tacking in the headwind of someone else's consciousness. And he's just like, I'm just going to stare right at somebody and not relent. And I feel like that's what she did. And people always break. Yeah.

Yeah. Dude, my buddy was listening to pods like those. And he got on a big self-help kick. Yeah. one of those Sam Harris types told him you should feel, you shouldn't feel hesitant to experience joy

that you would experience as a kid. You should let yourself feel it no matter of the setting. So what you should practice is, if you're in a public place and you feel like dancing, you should just dance. This is like three years ago, my buddy's like 28 years old. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Dude, we'd be at like, the mall, you'd go to like the mall with him,

and he would break out and he would start dancing. And he was like, I don't care, man. I'm just being me. Like, he was on this real, like, I'm being me kicking. And we were like, dude, we're going to stop being friends with you. Yeah, because it's like, it's becoming you've, yeah, yeah. You're like, this might be a friendship ender. Of course.

Because he's not, you're not actually. Yeah. He did it like three times and we were like, we don't like you anymore. Yeah. And of course, it's the one thing that guy recommended. Yeah. It's not like he did something else joyful. No.

Yeah. I think it seems like it seems like. like it was becoming a nervous tick. Like you were feeling anxiety, so you danced. Yeah. As a way to like, turn, like, transmute it into joy. You know what I mean? Yeah, well, these guys try to like subvert social norms where they're like,

nobody lets themselves experience joy just because everyone else is in dancing, you should dance because you should let yourself experience joy. And it's like, no, we as a society have determined, have agreed. is an unwritten rule that if there's not music playing and you're not at a concert or a bar that dancing

dancing at the DMV is weird behavior Yeah having joy when other people are not enjoying themselves is rude Dance level joy Flash mob level joy

Yeah yeah It's rude It's rude odd behavior We're all at the mall We're shopping Like if you feel joyful Go to Auntie Anz Get a pretzel

That's how everyone else diffuses that bomb. I hate all this like non-conforming. I'm like sometimes you need to conform. Always conform. We've come up with these guidelines for a reason. Yes. Because we want to just,

because sometimes you're just trying to get through the line at the fucking movie theater so that you can go see the movie. Right. You don't want to do you. Like, dugging. Doing something that you, it's alarming.

Yeah. You know what I mean? It's awful. That's the behavior of crazy people. This is also the reason why we don't really, it's frowned upon. to do that. Yeah.

Because it just makes it harder to identify lunatics. If everyone, if everybody's dancing, nobody's dancing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's camouflage. It's like, it's homeless, crazy camouflage. Yeah. If you're, if everyone's dancing in the mall on their own.

Yeah. Just every time they're experiencing joy, just like letting it explode out. It's like, yeah. It throws off your self-preservation. You're endangering women and children.

Yeah. you know what I mean? Like, women and children need to be able to clearly identify as quickly as possible a psycho. Yeah, 100%. So all you're doing, if you're not a psycho and doing that, is providing cover for actual psycho. Yeah, like if I am just walking down the street and there's a guy with a sword,

I'll cross the street to go crazy guy with a sword. Right. Psycho. protect myself and my family. Right, right. But if everybody, if swords got back in vogue and everybody started walking around carrying swords, I'd be like, this is fucking mayhem.

Yeah, you go, I hate the swords thing. I hate the sword thing. I hate the city. Everyone's got swords, you know. I can't be deserted. That is the tough part about Portland is it's very hard to identify. It's really hard to identify what's what out there.

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It's time to bet with Draft Kings. Download the Draft King Sports app and use code stuff. New Draft Kings customers can spend five and get 200 in total bonuses paid within 21 days includes all markets. That's code stuff in partnership with Draft Kings. crown is yours. Bet D.K. Sportsbook. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Everyone's everyone, like in order to fit in, you have to have crazy stuff going on. Yeah. So a regular person looks almost jarring. Yeah. You're like, oh, I guess they couldn't afford like flare. Yeah. Yeah. There's like a, there's a, like, they don't get it. You know what I mean? There's a, there's a certain type of like trust fund

white kids who it seemed like their objective is to like blend in with the home. homeless. Yes. It's like I'll be indistinguishable. Yes. From a, you know, guy who eats his shoes. Right. Right. If you go to Bushwick, you're like, I can't tell who's a lunatic, who's homeless, whose dad works for Goldman Sachs. It's just a, it's fucking chaos. Right. Then it all comes down to posture. And breathing patterns. You know what I mean? You're observing. You're observing how their thoracic spine. Exactly. Navigates a deep breath. Yes. Right. Is it hunched? Yeah.

Are we getting lateral expansion? Yeah. You start counting their blinks. Yeah. Yeah. You guys blinking at a normal pace. Right. It's motherfucker. His eyes haven't closed in the last three minutes. He's about that life. Yeah. He's committed.

Yeah. He's committed. He's a native psycho. Yeah, I can't. I, it's so, I never experienced people like that in, in, in, Iowa. What kind of people? Like if, yeah. People like the Bushwick type of whatever you wanted to support, landian people, in my hometown, if you like, if I had a belt on, people would be like,

what the fuck are you wearing? Yeah. You have a belt on? Yes. Yet alone like dyeing my hair purple and then getting like dangly cross earrings. They would like burn me at the stake, I think. They would be like, what's happening? Dude, when I, when I moved to Boston from Buffalo, it was like,

because I also went to Emerson, which is like, you know, artsy fartsy, fartsy, Libby Capital of the World. And it was like 2014. So it was like before fucking people were woke or whatever. Yeah. I didn't know any of this shit. I didn't know what a hipster was. I didn't know like what white privilege meant. I didn't like there was like a whole.

I didn't know any of this stuff. Like there were entire conversations and cultural movements happening that I was completely unaware of. Yes. And I was like, these people dress cool. He's got clown shoes on. I know. Yeah. Well, that is how it started.

Yeah. That is how it started. Because like, you know, I was, like when I was graduating, like, oh, 8, 2009, like, it was still, like, cool. Like, the hipster stuff, you were like, they are getting kind of annoying, but they're, like, really turning neighborhoods around and, like, they're opening up cheese shops and, like, cool bars. And you were like, this is an altogether a positive movie.

Yeah. And then... Describing gentrification. Yes. Dude. They're turning the neighborhoods around. Well, dude, I... Yeah, they are.

They are turning the neighborhoods. I met this lady who lived in this neighborhood 20 years ago and still does. Right around here. Yeah. And I was like, are you sad about the gentrification? She was like, no, it's amazing. Of course.

She's, yeah. And I was like, yeah. She was like, it was really horrible before. She was we had no... There's nothing to do, nowhere to go. And you could get stabbed. And it was scary. Yeah.

She's like, now. there's like restaurants and I was like oh yeah I guess it's like it's also yeah it's just white people just came back yeah I don't like a boomerang for real it up in the air click literally what happened is the parents left

and the kids came back yeah and everyone got upset about it but they're like this land was promised yeah yeah he's promised to us 30 years ago he said manifest destiny He just showed back up Help the local economy From the creek to the coffee shop

This is my fucking lunch And then the Chinese started investing In the Russians or whatever So it's all ruined now But That is the final That is the final stage Right

It goes white black white Chinese Then it's over Yes 100% It is Yeah that's the lifetime of a neighbor That's a lifespan It starts white, turns black, goes back to white, and then it dies Chinese.

The Chinese and the Russians launder money. Yeah, once the Chinese get in there. Through the real estate. Yeah. There's no, what's it going to be next? Venezuela? No, it's Chinese. We're going to build a building so tall.

No one can even see who's in there. Yeah. And there'll be nobody. Yeah. Except for the money that is flowing into other accounts through that property. Yes. Yeah. It's just all, you know, also you can't see.

It's a placeholder for Hong Kong blood money. That's like half the real estate in New York City. A hundred percent. Dude, I don't know if you've seen all those super tall buildings in New York. The wind sways them so much, like you can't take a bath. Like, you'll, like, it'll flop up. The water splashes, like, around. Like, they're not, like, livable.

They're not functional buildings. But they're, like, $120 million properties that you can, like, basically just launder money. They're, like, giant bounce castles. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A 160 story bounce on the sky. Dude, I went to, I went to Hong Hong. And when I was like 19, we like stopped it.

We were there for like a week. The, it is all. It's like, I don't know what the word would be, but it's like disturbing. I went to like there. We went to like this hotel that was kind of on this like hill and you couldn't the smog and the air quality was so bad you literally couldn't see from the top of a hill down to like the like the bottom damn like it was like you couldn't it was

so thick with fumes with fumes and that just sounds like it sounded like a slur it was it was just so like fumes all over the sidewalk neighborhoods changing a lot of fumes A lot of fumes coming in. A lot of fumes building up. But dude, it was like, it was, I remember looking down, we were on top of, we had to this, we had to this restaurant on the top of this hotel. It's like the top, like the top floor of a hotel. And it had a balcony.

And I was like looking down and I was just on like the city area. That had to be kind of sick. Do you feel like Batman for a sec? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, you know, no one. Balcony in China.

Bro, I don't even smoking a cigarette. I was just inhaling. Yeah. That's how bad. Air quality was. Just roll up a piece of paper. Yeah. You also said one of the funniest things to be that you're like,

you were telling me that you've like traveled the world when you were in the military. Yeah. And I was like, that's awesome. And you were like, yeah, I didn't like any of the places. Yeah. You traveled the world and you didn't like anywhere. I hated everything. Yeah.

Hated it. You can be like. It's so funny. It's like I didn't get to go to the cool places. There's also a thing. First of all, you're in the military. it's a little bit your your hawkles are up yeah it's America first it's mission essential like because you're taught to you were at the time taught to hate all the

places you're going to and not even taught but I had that energy too like I feel like when I was like in college if I went somewhere I'd be like this bullshit yeah yeah see I was a little bit like I like I always had that kind of thing because I like grew up not far from New York and there were like kids in high school that would like go into New York during they would like cut class and like go into New York City. Yeah. And I was like, shit's gay. Yeah. Stupid. Like it's like, what do you think's in there? You think cool is just in there? You know, like I've seen you guys go to New York. You're not allowed in anywhere. You just go in and you wander around. Yeah. You go into a clothing store and but don't buy anything and then you buy a hot dog and come back like you're not i'm on

you're not doing anything cool i always like i had this kind of like you know it's it just was this thing where it's like i i know that people like constantly go to europe and they like they're they're like oh my god it's like it's so different and it's mind expanding and i just i refuse to let that happen to me see i'm the opposite so i went there with like a this is bullshit it's just buildings this they do this okay it's a little bit different fucking whatever i don't give a shit see i almost had the opposite i i wanted to be on some when i especially when i was younger like some bordainy i wanted to be on a bourdain vibe where i'm like yeah i'm like in the side of the road of mexico and i'm eating a hot dog but it's like it's like it's a good and like convince

yourself it's like the greatest hot dog yeah yeah it's like it's a 10 cent hot dog the guy lives in a trash can fucking made it for me in his trash can house and it's a delicious Trash can hot dog. You need to start with that energy to get eventually to the good stuff. Yeah. If you start with what I'm experiencing right now is just some bullshit guy who happens to be fucking Swiss making me a bullshit Swiss hot dog, then you'll never get to the like underground part that's actually cool. Yeah. You know what I mean? You just go back to your hotel and you go this place sucks. Also, a big reason to travel is like this is from Buffalo. I think this applies to Austin as well. You just go, I'm just going somewhere when I walk around, it looks nicer.

Yeah. I just walk around and look at stuff and it's more visually appealing than central Texas or western New York State. Yes. Like if I go to fucking Amsterdam, I'm just walking around. I go, these buildings are sick. I like the little river. Yeah. Everyone's on bikes. Sick. And you just walk around and look at that for like, you know, six days. And you come back. Yes. You're basically just You're flying across the world for like a week long view during your afternoon strolls. Well, that also was why I liked stand-up

because it felt like a way to travel without that. Yeah, but you're going to Cleveland. I'd rather go to Cleveland and be plugged into like what the local people in Cleveland, like which is what you, you know, you'd go hang. Like when you're just doing bar shows and stuff in Cleveland or like just interacting with the local comics there, that to me was cooler than like, visiting London and not knowing anyone.

You know what I mean? The local comics are the same in every city. Well, you do learn that eventually. You know what I mean? You do learn that. But they can still show you cool little spots. That is true. Yeah, they'll bring you to a cool dive.

Yeah, yeah. I was going to say the local comics. Yeah, dude. That's crazy. It was awesome. Yeah, that was also fascinating to find out as you go like, oh, there's like one of those there. you know what I mean?

Like, in Philly, you had people that seemed like really unique like comics. Yeah. And then you'd go to another city and they'd have the same, like, gamut.

Well, remember when you would visit us in Boston? Oh, yeah. Boston was bizarre O'Philly. You'd be like, this is bizarre of Philly. Yeah. And I would feel the same thing when we would go to Philly.

Yeah. I was like, this is fucking crazy. You were like, none of us, we're living in a simulation, none of us are unique or interesting because carbon copies of us live

three hours away and all hang out together just like we do. Doing the exact same thing. Like, hey, yeah, you'd come back, you know how there's, it's like,

yeah, it's like finding there's like a mirror world of yourself. Truly it's a bizarre world where you're like, they're like, same thing, six guys.

Yeah. Just like we're six guys. Houston, same thing. Chicago. Yeah. It was, yeah,

that was nuts. But at least, again, you were getting plugged into like a little underground scene. You felt like you were like bopping around. Those aren't the people

you want showing you. Yeah, it is. Dude, what if I should tell us? We were at the Baltimore, and I agreed to get it ride back from a comic. Oh, yeah. It was a hell. It was a massive fumble on my part, dude. I made it.

I got in the car and the dude's like ripping lines and, like, driving while texting and then telling me about his, like, sucking a dude's dick. But he's, like, not actually gay. And, like, the whole time I'm trying to go a single, I mean, like, we're three blocks away. I should have just walked. But like, because of the Baltimore. See, this is actually interesting. I would have. Dude,

that would have been worth my time. Listen, you were locked in the car with him. I was in the car. The traffic got rerouted. We had to do like a, dude was a nice enough dude, but it was just like the craziest energy.

I mean, he was blowing lines while talking about sucking a dude's dick while looking at me, not paying attention. And like, it was jacked out of his fucking mind. Dude. Yeah, but that is like.

asking me to go to bars and shit? I'm like, dude, I just want to unlock the door right now, please. I understand your level of terror. Yes. No, it's a roller coaster ride that doesn't block in.

I understand why you were filled with terror, but that is a worth your time, interesting enough car ride with a local comedian. Rippin lines, talking about sucking cock, then he adds the ripple of, and I don't even like it.

I'm just so yacked out I started sucking it I don't even like cock I'm a pussy guy that's a fuck I'm a pussy guy It's used because a lot of times you'll get I'm a pushing guy

I don't even like I don't even like sucking dick like Ornarily I'm a huge pussy I'm right now I'm kind of in the mood for some day All I can get is dick You know because sometimes you're with the local comedians

And all you hear is the local comedy politics Yeah like that That's what I thought you were going to say He did suck his another comedian's dick. Interesting, though. So, yeah, woven in.

Because usually it's just the same like pissy, petty local comedy politics where they're like, Oh, Dr. Chuckles won't book me because I'm not black. Okay, man. All right, man. I'm not going to be on the front lines with you on this one.

I like that stuff too. I like, yeah. Johnny Screwball gets the headline every two weeks, but I can't. Yeah, like, you know, Peoria comedian's Facebook group. I'm transphobic. I'm like, oh my goodness.

Dude, I, yeah. Yeah, then they show you the post. Like, it's not of that big deal. And it's like him fully dressed as Hitler. Yeah. He's like, it was a Halloween costume. Everybody's fast. It's like him at an open, like fully with like an SS tattoo.

No. What? Dude. Can you believe? That's how fucking, I got to get to Austin. Yeah. I got to get to Austin. Yeah.

Dude, this shit sucks around here. Yeah, dude, this boy sucks. I actually really want to get to Austin. I'm like, please stay. Please stay. Hunker in, dude. We got one of those already. Yeah.

I do. This is what I'm saying, dude. So you actually got, it was, you, you spent your time. It was valuable time spent in that car. It's a story. Yeah. And the whole time. And it's interesting.

Yeah. Well, you did say that it felt a little performative. It was weird. The whole thing felt weird, dude. I like, don't even remember the exact. I just trying to impress you. Yeah, it was like, I don't even know the exact emotion. I think he was like, my life's crazy.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I remember, because I don't remember the, I remember the feeling I had, but I don't remember the exact way everything went down. I just remember being like, like, like, viscerally disturbed. Like, of being like, I really don't like that I'm in this car. Yeah. It can be, it's, it's, it's tough when it's the guy who's like, in lieu of being funny.

is just being crazy. Yeah. But like, but isn't crazy? But I, you know what I mean? Like, he's like, I'm doing coke in the car and you're like, don't. I get what you're saying. It's like, I'm sucking dick. And you're like, don't.

Look, I get what you're saying. It's not going to help. You know what I mean? But I grew up with a lot of uninteresting guys. And the uninteresting guys I grew up with, they would do the classic. You know what they do. You're boring, but you want to be interesting. So what do they do?

You quote stepbrothers nonstop. You act like. Adam Sandler, you act like Ace Ventura, you do that thing, where you just take on the percent of a movie character. I would have respected it way more if those guys were like, look, man, I'm boring, but I don't want to be. I'm going to start blowing lines and sucking cops. I got to see what's out there. I'm going to, yeah, yes. I can't afford a ticket to Europe. I got to bring Europe. I'm in a bag right now. I'm hitting this bag and sucking this until someone finds me compelling.

I didn't get to do a semester abroad. Yeah. I got to suck some dick in Buffalo. That's commitment to trying to make yourself more compelling. Yeah, I tried it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's true. But I can imagine you also, knowing you specifically in that car,

you must have been having a fucking panic attack. Yeah, it was a cat in a car, dude. the night before that he freaked out. Because, dude, no, Chris is a psycho, and he freaked, dude. I want to, I was a gunshot eight miles away. No, no, no, no, no, no. He's, every time he tells the story.

It's going, I can smell it. I can smell the gunshot it. He was in the military. That's, dude. I want to be, dude, the story's crazy. The stories. They don't do urban training in the detail. It's a lot of out in the field shooting at a tardian kind of stuff.

They don't do just everything's going to be fine training. We're in downtown Baltimore. Listen to this. Were you shrieking? Was there shrieks? No, dude. I hit the deck almost. We're in the, we're outside the club.

We're outside the club. And we're waiting to get our, we're waiting to get our Uber. Like we're like trying to get an Uber come. And like, the night- It was, all of a sudden you hear, like, and then 600 people start running towards us. There were 600 people. And they all started running right at us.

And I heard the gunshots and I saw 600 people running. I went, Chris, let's get the fuck out of here. There's 600 people running at us and gunshots. And then Chris starts walking. Everybody's running this way. Chris walks into the thick of it. And then I'm like, I can smell. A little gunpowder, I don't know if I could.

Well, the Uber was picking us up right there. And so, Chris redirects this Uber. There's a helicopter, by the way. A helicopter comes down and is spotlighting, looking for people. Everybody's running, looking for the active shooter. And Chris just walks us through the crime scene. I'm like, this is crazy. And then we get to, Chris goes to Uber.

Walking Gertz the active shooter, like you're walking into the ocean with rocks in your bucket. Like suicide by angst, Steve Dude Literally we finally When we finally got to the Uber I feel bad for the Uber

Because I literally was texting I'm just being like Stay where you are We'll come to you And he did By the time we got to him We literally couldn't get in it Because he was inside the crimes

The police Inside the crimes The yellow days around his car Dude They were looking for shell cases Dude we like fucked up his money for the night He was probably there for like three days

He got for real stuck Like he was like for real stuck They were like cops were like sprinting by us With flashlights I got a flashlight shine right in my face They were like looking for the shooter Chris is like Chris is making fun of me the whole time

Cause I think I could smell the gunpowder Which I don't know That was embarrassing to say To say I think I could smell the gunpowder It was embarrassing but I did say it. I want to think I can smell the gunpowder. I can smell the gunpowder.

We just heard the gun. It was like, I smelled gunpowder. It was three blocks away. Dude, the last time we were in New York, me and autumn, we were shit-faced and there was a car accident, like a loud, fucked up car accident.

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Yeah. Oh, she would. running towards it to help? Yes. Oh, boy. And she's like, I'm like, what am I, Captain America? Yeah. I don't know how much I get help someone in a car accident dead sober, let alone blackout drunk. No.

I'm a small drunk man. No, no. Yeah, yeah. All you're going to do is. I'm of no use. Yeah, yeah. All you're going to do is witness something. Yeah.

I was going to watch a man's last moments. It's going to be a spectator to a man's vital moment. Yeah, you're going to have to look into the... You're going to pry him out of the fucking passenger seat. Yeah, you're going to have to witness his last moments and your own just helplessness. Yeah, well, that's the other thing is... Your inability to save a man.

I think, like, my ego, I didn't want her to see me unable to save someone. Like, she's like, we got to help them, and I'm in my head, like, she thinks I can help. Oh, right, right, right. I don't want her to... Your woman's going to look at you differently. if he finds out that you completely. Right, right, right.

You go to pull the door open, you're like, it's hot. You're like sneezing. A smoke's getting in your night. Do you not have like a hero thing? It's like Hong Kong out here. You don't have like a hero fantasy ever. You're never like in a place being like if a guy pulled a gun out right now, I would tackle him. No.

I know, but I do have those. I think that all the time. But when the rubber hits the road, you go, I don't know that I can do there. You know what I mean? Hero Fantasy is always like grabbing the thing and disarming the guy or whatever. Like anytime there's an actual crisis,

I'm always like, whoa. Yeah, what? That's the totality of my defense is like, what are you doing? You have a gun out at Target. No, I'm hearing. Appeal to their common sense. This is crazy what you're doing.

I'm pure flight. I'm 100% flight. I'm freeze. You're freeze. I'm a big freeze guy. Yeah. Fight, flight or freeze? I'm always like...

I'm flight. I don't even have the hero fantasies. I know my limitations. When I hear about a guy that for real tackled an active shooter and like disarmed him, I go, I can't imagine being that guy. Like, you for real did that? You didn't even just have...

You did it. There was an active shooter. You tackled him while he's got his fucking AR. That I feel like I could do. And I may be out of my mind, but like, there's a zone of proximity where you go, like, if he turns around, I'm going to die. Like, once he sees me, I will die. Yeah. The only thing I can do is tackle him at this moment from behind.

Yeah, that I can see in that moment being like, I did it. Like, I just, without even thinking, you're just like, there's only one way out of this and that's for me to tackle this guy and try to bash his head. in right now. I'm surprised that there's less head bashings in. In general? Yes. Not even relating to the gun. In those crisis situation, it's like, why aren't you just bashing the guy's head in? Yeah, well, the other thing is that they have those assault rifles.

So if they had a pistol, I would be more scared to tackle. Definitely, because I could go. You can spin. They can whirl. You're on the ground, wrestling around. And you're also, and you're also forgetting that it's a 17-year-old who's 100 pounds. they're not physically intimidating these guys most of the time. Like you would see him and you'd be like, that looks like my fucking teenage sister shooting a gun right now. Yeah.

I have the idea that in my head I go, I'm going to fucking fuck him up. I think about it. I'll follow people sometimes at H.E. with a can of beans in my hand. And I'm like, just pull it out. Just a fucking piece of shit. My lady's shopping.

I know you have it on you. I love you in your head. I love Josh. Josh's head is like John Bernthall. be my please like Josh Josh imagine

him being about like you're going to disrespect a lady I love Yeah Are you fucking serious Are you Are you?

You know why I don't nap Yeah I don't sleep I'll sleep but I'm dead Yeah Also so funny thing Once a week The ACP staff

That's it Just to watch Josh Follow people with a can of beans God, a guy's back again.

Bean guys back. It's a teenage Mexican cash years. Like, yo, that guy that follows people while they're getting rice is like

back. Yeah. Every Tuesday. Every day walks in, splits from his lady and goes right to the beach. He always acts like he's going to do something.

He never do nothing. There's this one guy. I'll tell you this, it's not all the time, but there was the most recent one. There was one where I genuinely clocked him and I was like, I want to keep an eye on the skin. I thought you walked up to him and were like, don't do it.

No, no, no. I want you. See this? It's going right through your mug. What would happen is? What would happen is I would miss. I would miss and like kill an old woman. I would like hit an old lady in the head on accident with it.

Completely whiff hit a, yeah. I uh yeah it's a bottle of kombuzes going right through your skull years of planning dreaming just sail one I'll get 10 yards

I did uh I did have a kid dude I I do do the thing though where you see a kid and you go I there was a kid behind me at HB on the escalator the other day and I just like kind of turned, I was like standing halfway and I looked to my left and he looked so school

shootery, I did a jump scare. Like, I looked to my left and he had like hair down to his back a hat, baseball hat pulled low and like he was like wayfishly skinny with a backpack on. And I literally turned. I was like, he fully jumped scared me. Yeah. That's the type of dude. That was, I was going to, what was he buying? Say was that? We were, and the elevator, in my HP, you have to take the elevator just to get to the, just to get to the produce. Square one. Yeah, square one. So we were just going into the store,

entering the store, and I just turned it up. I was like terrified. It goes to show you, like, that's really become more intimidating to my brain. My lizard brain is way more scared

of a school shootery teen than like a giant jacked guy. Right. Like if he was a body builder. Yeah. Yeah, those guys are just going to make you calm. Yeah.

You fucking buzzing fans. Yeah, worst case scenario, just calm everywhere. I got to kill you. I had the same thing, though, the other day when I was, walking in the last, the time that I, the most recent time I clocked one guy. The security should be paying me.

Skinny guys. It's probably, it's so funny that you're constantly stalking skinny guys. It was, well, it was a dude. This is so funny. She twinks. You probably looked like a rapist. It was just a mirror. I was just looking.

I was walking towards a mirror the whole time. Who the fuck is that guy? Yeah, you could pass for a gay rapist. Dude, chill. What the fuck? Yeah. Probably most of your age. activity like this guy

this guy was walking in and he had he was uh he had he had long unkept gross thinning hair that like was clearly hadn't showered and he had a hoodie on this was like maybe I don't know how long it was like a month ago maybe actually when I think about it because it was like a hundred degrees

out like way too hot and he was pouring sweat wearing a sweatshirt and like was like booking it right to the back of the HB and I went, I don't like what this is. And that was my thought. And I followed him a little. Yeah. Just to keep an eye out.

I feel you there. I don't know if I would have done anything, but I would have been nearby. Veteran card or something. Yeah, I was, I don't know what I would. I actually don't think I would probably, I don't know, whatever. I mean, it's so embarrassing to admit, but it's like, you have a gun in the house? Yeah, I got a gun in the house.

Okay. I got a gun on me right now. No, no, no, no. Yeah, I have a gun. What kind of gun? I have a snub nose. I have a little revolver. sick.

Damn. I also have a... Give any guns? You don't have guns. I have a 20 gauge as well. No, but I think about it. You should get a shotgun. You should get a shotgun.

I have a 20 gauge that is... I don't want to... But it's like, what's nice about the 20 gauge? Very personal. Very small. You can move with it quick.

There's no way that... But you're still... You have the... Yeah, you really are like a boomer. There's no way that doesn't go back. Because you're doing it for like home protection purposes. Who was my dad. My dad gave us me to hunt.

when I was like 12 and I took it away. So that's, that's the true. It was originally was meant for hunting. Because I think I would like to take one. Like the range would be fun. I'd like to go to the game. The range would be fun. The range is fun.

But I think I'd like a little assault, like a little like, you know, that's something with no kick. Yeah. Like a little AR 15. A.R. It shoots like a suppress around. Yeah.

Like I want to feel like I'm in a video game. You should get like a 3.57, like a big fucking elephant handgun. I don't think I can handle. No, those things would hurt But I do, I do get my, like It's very rare, but there are, every once in a while I get myself Spooked enough

Like at night that I'm just like, why don't I have a fucking gun in the house? Yeah. What am I doing? I will say, I've never, I've had those thoughts. I've, like, where I go, is something happening? I've never once, like, grabbed it to like go, like, I've never been like, I got to fucking check the room out. Yeah, I know.

It's like, I've, I've been, I've had the thoughts. where I was like, was that a noise outside? But then I'm not like grabbing the gun. That's 100% is like if I had a gun, it would go off me investigating something that doesn't, isn't there. It would go off into my body somewhere. Yeah, I like, Me trying to like put it together.

It's just groggy. I think I almost want one for the sake of just like planting roots in Texas. It's like I have a kid now. I'm probably not going to move anytime soon. Like might as well commit to the. Right. Settling. Yeah.

Settle in. I'm going to get a gun and live in the middle of nowhere and be full of hate. Yeah. I mean, you should get a house in Buddha. Yeah.

Just buy a house. In the middle. I'm kind of on... Get a house and get a fucking gun for the backyard. Dude, I'm kind of on this wave lately. I'm kind of down to live in... Who cares, Texas? Yeah.

For no money. With a gun in a yard. Get a... Yeah. And just call it a fucking life for the time being. I could give a fuck about all. the things I thought I cared. Walkable neighborhood. Like, that's left my spirit. You start going

like, I'm going to cook. I'm going to be really good at cooking. Yeah. I'm going to make my own shit. I'm going to make my own ice coffee. Yeah. Like everything's going to be homemade. I'm going to have a gun. Yeah, you start going, I'm not going to leave this house unless it's absolutely necessary. Yeah. I've been more along the lines of I want to get like a rebounder to throw balls at. Yeah. Do you still have the golf simulator? I do. God, that thing's I do. I finally got, the plug was fucked up. I finally got the re-plugged up and now I got this thing where you can play like 50,000 different courses. You can just play courses on it. Like St. Andrews and Pebble Beach and shit. I don't know

if those are available but like a lot of them. God damn. It's pretty sick. It's great. Yeah. I was telling a... I want to, yeah. I really want to start swinging me. I might do that tonight. I was telling Tim and Rainey about when I rode my bike over here and read the golf simulator. Yeah. And your girl gets a text and she goes, Chris, tires got renewed for season three. And you're just like locked into your golfing. And then you're sitting there and I was like, wow, we were celebrating.

And you kind of really haven't showed any emotion about it yet. And I go, that's great, man. And you go, no, it's not. I hit it like 50 yards to left. The TV show you're on, man. The TV show you're on is going for another season. That's not. I hooked it like 50 hours of the left.

That is a deep family trait. Yeah. I remember we like the best career news possible couldn't break you out of your golf simulator. Like stupor. I know. Dude, we were in, we flew to, we went skiing in Vail one year. My uncle had like a place out there and we, we flew out where it's a whole family. We're flying to Vail.

They're like. At some point they come over the intercom and they're like, look, Vail is fucked. Like, it's covered in ice, it's snowing, probably going to have to divert to Denver and you're just going to have to like fucking drive to Vail. And everyone's like, oh, fuck. And then the pilots basically, you know what? Like, we're going to go for it. We're going to try to land in Vail. Everyone's stoked.

My dad, the whole time, is watching Operation Dumbow drop on the plane. He hasn't heard anything. of this. The guy winds up landing like in like just frozen tundra in veil like puts it down. We have plane finally comes to stop right as

Operation Dumbo drops going. The whole plane goes nuts. And it was like it was an old school thing where there was like a big screen on the plane. There wasn't like individual screens. I remember this when you have community movies. Everyone was watching Operation Dumbo drop. So the credits

start rolling. Everyone goes nuts. My dad turns to me, he goes, I didn't think it was that good. Takes a headphone out. I didn't think it was that good. That's great. The whole plane was celebrating Operation Delbo a truck. Dude, you said one of the greatest things. You said this about your dad that he would get mad if you interrupted his thought.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You described it perfectly. You said he would get irritated. with you if you interrupted his thought. And I do this with Autumn all the time. I've been doing that with Autumn for years where you're like, I'm like, I'm having an idea.

I'm having a new idea. Yes. Like, can you just give me a- Something in my head? Yes. Yeah, I'm like, can you just give me a second? Scrambled my blueprints. No, it was.

And to be fair to her, I approach it with the energy of like she walked in on me taking a shit. A hundred percent. Because I'm like, do you not see? I'm doing something. Yes. Yes. And honestly, I think it's bad for childhood development. Oh, yeah. I mean, maybe good in some ways, but it's like the amount of time I spend in other people's heads trying to figure out what's going on so that I could maybe say something is terrifying. Yeah, because he didn't. Because, yeah, you know, like the assumption was that if someone's just sitting there quietly, they're not doing nothing. Yeah. They're working on something. Yeah. Yeah. So you can't even wait.

until they're done talking to talk to them because you're like they might be dealing with important business. Oh yeah, yeah. Yes. No, the amount of, dude, I have to unlearn so much shit. I don't even, I don't have enough time to unlearn my bad qualities before this kid's gonna be having memories. Before my kids are gonna be having memories.

I'm way out of time. I don't know, I like he's gonna learn rage. Like spazzing over gizmos. I haven't cleaned that up one iota nobody has i know but it's like this is not an acceptable way for adults to behave i don't know i mean it turns into shared joy yeah like most of like so many of the fond memories i have with my dad or us both bitching about a gizmo yeah not working autumn calls him tantrums she says I have tantrums and it's really like emasculating and it kind of effective. That's a really, that's a really painful word to hear. Yeah. And it's kind of a sharp move on her part.

Yeah. Because she's like, I'm getting, you're a baby now. I've now made you into a baby. Yeah. Every time you do that, that's baby shit. And you have to be like, no, but can you understand who would design something like this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My lady, when we first met, she doesn't do it anymore. I had to have a couple words with her. She aren't tantrums, nor are the outbursts. She used to say, she was,

uh, she was asked if my itty bitties were hurt. Itty bitties. Like itty bitty feelings? Yes. Whoa. But it wasn't ever like, she put a voice on it?

Yes. It wasn't ever. But it was an antagonistic. That's a hundred percent. But it was never about like in an actual argument. It would be. Messing with the gizmo. It's not.

work and I go, motherfucker. She'll go, oh, is your, she'll go, oh, is your itty bitty. And I used, I had to be like, listen, at a minimum, you can never do that in front of people. You can maybe do it right now. I swear to God, if an itty bitty comes out in front of people, I will burn this house down. She hasn't hit me with any bitty in forever, though. Oh, my God.

It's such an itty-bitties actually being hurt hedge. Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to lose my cool here at a minimum. That can't happen in front of anyone else. Dude, yeah, yeah, I've had that. Well, Autumn's like... Itty-bitties are your itty-bitties hurt. Autumn does, like, Latina stuff, which I do find sexy,

but then she would do it in public because to her it's not weird. Yeah. You can lower the face time. She would call me. FaceTime doesn't have to be full volume. She would like call me, dude, there were a couple times

she would call me like daddy in front of like friends and I'm like, I don't have this I can't wear that in public. Right. I don't have the swagger

to wear that. Yeah, for sure. Like it's, it's hot, even though, I'm not embodying that. No,

no. I'm not the daddy guy. You might as well have like a wad of a thousand hundreds fall out of the pocket. Yeah, 100%. Like, like, I'm gonna look at my flame of flame chain. Like, I can't carry that.

You just gave me a fucking grenade. I'm like, if we're around Chris and Josh and you hit me with like a daddy, all you're doing is like ruining the day. Oh my God. I can't wear that. I don't have the skills to be like, yeah. That's me. I mean, yeah, now I'm in Iraq in a hard place.

Yeah. You don't want to ruin daddy. No, I don't want to get rid of the Latino, like, you know, like spicy hot thing that I like. Exactly. But it's like keep that. That's a closed door pile. You know, we keep that in the, I can't, I don't have the swag. You've projected a level of machismo onto me that I'm not living up to.

And so funny. It's so funny to hear you with that. And you have like your Josh Allen jersey on or like buffalo sauce on your fingers. Oh, yeah, dude. It's like my love. panels are seeping out of my fucking Keon-Colman jersey. It's so funny. Holy smokes.

Yeah, daddy's tough. That's nice, though. I like that. I wish that I had that. It's a sign of respect. It's a sign of respect. You don't have any... You don't have no fucking idea of the fathomless head is. Be a fucking boss. Well, Latin people are sexy in public. Yeah.

They do sexy stuff publicly. I know. I was not raised to be sexy. I can't be sexy in private, but I definitely can't be sexy in public. No way. No way. Dude, I feel self-conscious like buying flowers and walking from like H-EBs, like the self-checkout to the car and I have flowers in my hand. I'm like these are for my wife.

Like I can't like just like I don't like people knowing that I'm doing like a. No, I'm getting a teddy bear on Valentine's Day. I'm like, yeah, you know how it is. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, we all got to do it, right guys? God damn teddy bear. Whatever works. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, bald chain. Dude, that's this guy. I don't know what energy do. Like, what do they buy a teddy bear with? What does a Latina man buy a teddy bear? Like, what kind of vibe are they putting out? Bring up my fucking teddy bear. Like, how do you swag your way through that?

I don't know. I mean, do you, maybe you have some vibe of, like, you know, what you got to do to get the pussy and shit, you man. Yeah. We all make amends to, get the, you know, I think, I feel like I've seen these dudes. I feel like it's always like a, a manicured man. He buys it like, it's like a, it's a bank transaction. Yeah, it's just another day at the office. Yes. It's just like, these are the flowers. Let me get one of those. Those

smell, they smell good. They'll like, they'll fucking. Yeah, nonchalantly buying condoms. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nonchalant condom purchase. Right. Imagine. That is. That's a, that almost feels like like a Nathan Fielder move. Which one of those feel best. Make the guy at the counter uncomfortable. Because then you're throwing it on him. It's like, oh, I guess you don't fuck. Hey, pal, that fire. Yeah, they'll turn you on there.

You're a virgin loser. You don't know anything about him? Yeah, that fire a nice thing. Does that really work? Yeah. Hot and cold? Do you ever try that? No?

Oh, all right. I'll have someone else. Not into that stuff, huh? Yeah. Not a big sex guy. Okay, guys. God. Damn.

It's good seeing you. I haven't seen you a while. I know. It's been a minute. When's the last time I saw you? It's been a minute. I feel like, yeah. I feel like we had no beers at a pizza place.

I think. Us hanging out when we're not drinking is. It's wild. It's crazy. Dude, meeting up with the vellas and not drinking is always a challenge. Yeah, it's crazy. It always feels. like, I don't know. I want to get over it. Me too, but I'm, I'm, I have no skills. I don't know what to do.

It's hard. I've been boozing for a while and I'm trying to like go downtown and hang out. It's hard not to leave at the first second you possibly can. Yes. Like, when you realize that your brain doesn't value socializing without booze, your brain views talking to other people as you, will you, you drink. It's a safety blanket. Yeah. You know? You get that little thing. You get your little buddy next to you. You know what I mean? Yeah. It helps you. You know, it's mostly the, it's

the quiet moments. You know what I mean? Conversation shifts, slight change or whatever. You always take a sip. You need it for the ebbs, not the flows. Yes. Yeah. You know? Yeah. That was poetic. Yeah, you do. That was poetic.

A couple of swears on your beer. You do. Stare at the screen. Yeah. Yeah. Because when it's ripping, you don't, you know, you like, you don't booze. You're just fucking, I know. Sometimes you need to change rooms. It's also a good, it's a good excuse to take a, you know, I'm going to go get a beer.

Yeah. You know? Yeah, it gives you a little change, like a change of scenery. Right. Yeah. Check out another room, you know what I mean? Get the blood flow and walk around a little. Yes.

All the vices help. Yeah. You don't get a pack of cigarettes. that's a big reboot you know yeah it adds variety to your night if you're just there you're just you're owning it yeah yeah also just downtown austin sober it's just it doesn't it doesn't work yeah there's no it's just not a place you're supposed to be sober i know but i do kind of look i i aspire to someone who can stay out late and get wild soberly sober yeah oh my god it's just investigate you know just investigate the world

be a good horse cop Horse cop Yeah That's a good horse cop Yeah that's like I would be a good horse cop That's like Picture it

Dude it's two a m on a Thursday And on six He's just on a Clydesdale Yeah yeah Although I would I would have too much empathy For the horse What do you mean?

That are I would launder my own feelings Through the horse I'd be like the horse Really wants to get out of here And then I'd start feeling bad for the horse The horse People are like Working and puking.

Yeah, yeah. This is no place for a horse. She's got to stand here. You ever see your dog try to eat, like, throw up that's already on the ground, and you're just like, oh, my God, I forget that you're, like, an animal. Yeah. And my dog, she'll remind me she's an animal because I, like, personify her so much. Yes.

Where I'm like, oh, she's, like, a member of my family, and I love her or whatever. And then she'll just be, like, trying to eat, like, a dead squirrel. And you're like, you can't just do that. Yeah. But to her. she's like, why are you not eating this dead squirrel with me? It's like right here. Yeah, is anyone looking

into that? Why is that? Why do they do that? Why do they eat dead squirrels? Or eat their own puke? They just, it's like weird. It's like a weird thing. It has to be like something about the imbreeding. It's yeah.

That's what happens when you're 18th generation of cousin fucking cousins are eating their own shit. Yeah, there's guys in West Virginia doing the same thing. They're barking instead of talking. The Whitakers are doing the same thing. They're barking and eating their own pew.

100%. Yeah. It's living in their own. Those dudes. That one dude who's nonverbal other than like types of barks is crazy. Like he's happy. Yeah. He's like,

it is so funny for a lot. It is so funny for a family to cousin fuck so many times they create a dog man. And. Yeah, I think my family was getting close That's serious commitment to fucking your cousins To just traverse into a new species Yeah Like you've altered human genetic

You fucked your cousin's someone You've altered the human gene pool And they probably fuck their cousin again going Like can't happen a second Yeah, right? Well, it's gonna be this time of giraffe Let's see what we got in there Oh, that's funny.

They're rolling the dice every time. Trying to see what animal comes out. What happens if you drink a whole gallon of Pepsi before we find? You're trying to do like ingredients to make one? Dude, I don't know how they all get food. Yeah, it's a good, yeah. I think they're also eating throw up. They're eating the pew.

Yeah. They're eating peop. They're eating berries. They're eating berries. They shouldn't be eaten. Oh, God. Tell me that guy wouldn't eat berries. I found that.

Definitely. It's funny because you watch those, like, documentaries about like North Sentinel Island or the Pekaritan Islands, like these remote places with these almost uncontacted tribes that are like not one bit. Civilized or whatever. And then you find out there's just a place like that like near

Washington, D.C. kind of. Yeah. You're like, oh, it's sort of close to Cincinnati. Right. Well, that's the thing. And they're at the like level of they're as civilizes the people on North Sentinel Island. Well, I guess what's staggering is they're less.

They're less. You know what I mean? If you make contact you got to go full contact, otherwise no contact. They're either let them keep living in their, their island traditions. Or give them porn. Or yes. Or make them fully, roll them fully in because they got lost somewhere along the way.

Yeah. Yeah. They're like whales. They are. Like, the reason whales and porvises have blowholes, they like walked onto land and became cows, and then went back into the water.

Yeah, and they're mammals. Yeah, they're in that process. Yeah. Like the West Virginia Hicks are in the process of going back to tribal people, but they haven't had enough time to like... Do that awkward guy. They don't have a blowhole yet, yeah, is what I'm saying. There's still just a cow swimming around way too far offshore.

Yeah, 100%. If we let them cousin fucking peace, uncontacted, they would have like custom, like paint and ceremonial dances. Yes, yes. Yeah, and like tool, wooden tools. They worship like a Dale Earnhardt.

That's their shrine. They sacrifice tourists to it. They'll know nothing about racing or cars. They'll just have come. No, they'd be kneeling. From the legends of your.

They'd be on a blanket kneeling to a big buck her machine. It's the sun god. Yeah. With a buck on her machine. You got a straight quarter with a string on it. That's it. God damn.

Unlimited plays. All right. Should we jump over the page? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Or should we just keep cooking and divide it? Well, we should just divide it. Yeah.

We just divide it. Yeah. All right. Thanks for listening. Luke, anything exciting coming up? Oh, Rough Week podcast, Hoop and Huddle. Oh, Hoop and Huddled. If you like sports. Dude, so that clip, it was so funny. Oh, they, the fucking... The voting? The voting is so funny. Oh, thanks, fan. Chris came on Hooping.

I did. Yeah. Check out. Hoop and Huddled. Huffle. It's fun. Huffin Huffle. Rough week. Yeah. Check it out. Yeah. It's good. It's good. The Eagles are in disarray. So, Nakes, losing his mind, dude. He's really getting... He's taking L after L after. He needs the Sixers to start up. Dude, basketball season came at the perfect time for him. Yeah. Yeah, it hurts out. We'll see.

I've been saying I'm not going to make fun of Jalen Hurts' blood clot, and it's almost time to start making fun of it. I know. We'll get into that. We'll get into that. Good juicy stuff on the Patreon. Check out the Friendly Fire podcast. Please come see me on the road. I'm in Oklahoma City, Springfield, Missouri, and San Diego this next couple months. Also, I'm going to be in Harris, November 20th and Philly, November 26th, or something like that. So check that out. Doing a bunch of shows and get tickets at Acris O'Connor.com. I love you. See you.