Stuff Island - Mike Rainey - Stuff Island #174

Episode Date: March 6, 2025

Mike Rainey stand up comedian and author of "On Perks" joins the boys this week! Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Unlock a healthier and easier way to eat by using Promo code "Stuff Island" at checkout for 15% off your first order at huel.com Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoney.com/STUFFISLAND Upgrade your wallet with Ridge Wallet - ridge.com/stuffisland for 40% off your first purchase! Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off of your Starter Pack (that's over 40% off) with promo code STUFFISLAND at shopmand.com! #mandopod Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Everyone can finally figure out how to make themselves content. Yeah. Yeah. It's like in hindsight, like thinking back to like things I used to beat myself up over. It's like, you know, shit, I was on fucking pills and fucking all kinds of shit. Yeah. No wonder your daughter was bothering you when she was like, I'm hungry, dad. You're fucking to not see what's this bitch's problem.

What a needy little bitch. There was one time at Disney where the first inkling where I could tell the kids were like, I don't know if this is normal where I was taking my one daughter Olivia to the Magic Kingdom. It was just me and her. And we were about to go get the bus. It's really perverted, dude. If you're not familiar with Disney. Take this chicken Olivia to the magic idea that you're just in line at a

concession stand. Yeah, like magic. Yeah. You're just unlocking your apartment. You ever been in the Magic Kingdom? Just me and you. Dude, I hooked up with this girl. I don't know if I said this, but I'm sorry to cut you off.

You can continue. But this girl's bedroom was like a fantasy world like that, where she had like like spinning bicycle wheels that had like balloons on them. And it was like, you know, she slept in a tent. Yeah. Like not like an adult tent. Pay. She made like a fucking a magical king. If you walked in there, you had to be excited. Looking for the gummy bears.

And yeah, yeah, she's a diner menu. An absolute maniac made me throw up the next morning. Looking at her because she just hung over because she fucking slushed my guts. Sounds like she fucked me, but no, it was just a lot of movement in like the. It was like a fucking, you know what I mean? We were talking last time on the podcast, we

want Tommy to write like an erotic novel so bad. And using just all that language language fucking slush my guts. There I was in her magical kingdom. She slushed my guts. I puked up in a unicorn bowl. Did you ever consider like throwing up on her shit just the spider? She left for work. I'll tell you who it was after this. She would notice she left for work. I'll tell you who it was after this My god, no, no, no, that's nobody famous. I think I know it's only famous us

Yeah, Mike sorry continue Your kids you're on something that Magic Kingdom. Oh, yeah, the first time where I could tell like where they're like I don't know if this is normal we were about to get on the bus to go to the Magic Kingdom and I just had my one kid with me and There was a bar right there at Port Orleans Resort and I ordered two double Jack and Cokes back-to-back Yeah, and the second one she just looked at me like I knew she didn't know what a Jack and Coke was But it was like because he was putting something in it Yeah, like like I don't know if this is normal. You ordered two at once. No, I ordered one and then I was like,

all right, I could probably go for another one because the bus isn't coming yet. Yeah, yeah. And I did it. Just back to back? Yeah, back to back. And I regretted it when we got there because I went on the fucking edge.

She must have had some Jack and Coke experience. Yeah. I was gonna say. It's like you're Jack and Coke at home. It's getting me out of nowhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She had to have seen what one does and been like back to back Like you blow your orifice on the gravitron? What happened? No, I came close cause like on the Dumbo ride

But we were on there and I was like dude if I fucking throw up on the Dumbo ride in front of my kid cause I pounded two Jack and Cokes Two double Jack and Cokes before we got here like I might have to hang it up We're never going back to Disney world again, dude the thought of so many drunk fucking white trash dads Just all peeled up and fucked up trying to make that experience likable and wonderful Well, I know you do like it naturally which is crazy crazier to me than throwing up on the Dumbo ride And gotta be honest an adult liking Disney is crazy. Have you ever been there? Yeah, yeah when I was six so no It is great I don't Don't fucking lie. I the one thing that really actually like

Deserved me a little bit is like the when you tell people no fat people. I'd love them You know what I mean go to Disney world and seeing no fat people would be yeah Yeah, that's Disneyland Now that people I like that's what should be what I upset me was like in the gift shop Like there's like diamond Encrusted Daffy duck and you're like who the fuck is buying this This is like forty thousand dollars on a diamond That's how if a girl took you back to her apartment and she or shelves were loaded with diamond encrusted Disney figurines

Yeah, would that change what you did to her? Absolutely not no I would run you mean if she was a little higher end Disney fan as opposed to just I Don't even think you gotta be because I mean I think if people buy that shit You're typically inheriting money and just blowing it all and that kind of stuff. Oh, yeah, that doesn't seem like a sustained wealth. Yeah It's it's it's a weird hoarder Mentality that is frightening. It also feels like it should be illegal. You know what I mean? frightening. It also feels like it should be illegal. You know what I mean? Like if someone if someone pays $40,000 for any Donald Duck imagery, yeah, it's fraud. Yeah. Fraud has been perpetrated. Also flag the government. I

mean there's something wrong. I think there's something wrong with like that like the child brain. An adult that loves Disney, sorry Mike, let me get this out real quick. I think it's due to trauma and and serious issues with your own childhood Like you ever see a couple you bring your children. I guess we should ask if you have a lot of the stuff Already know but did like what is it? Do you feel weird when you see just a couple there without children? No. And I tried to, Tom, I tried it once by myself and most of the time, yeah, I did

go to Disney one day by myself. I could see you doing that. And it w for almost for 95% of the day, it was heaven. Yeah. The only time it got weird where there's like, uh, there was a meet and greet line for Mickey and Minnie And in years prior like I had taken a picture with Mickey Mouse I brought my wife with me and I was fucking zonked on purpose So no no well this was years prior I met Mickey years prior I'm talking about like a Saquon Bark, like it's a five foot Mexican in a hot suit.

I met Mickey here. So funny, thinking that he remembers going like, hey, sorry about last time. Yeah, I want to see environment, T-shirt. But it was like 2013 or 14, I waited in line to meet him because I thought it'd be fun to go with my wife and like I was just zonked on painkillers and I met him and it was so anti-climactic because as I met him and he extended. Because you have to speak English. It's a classic don't meet your heroes story.

I had the same thing with Bart Simpson Guy couldn't understand anything He wasn't even that good of a skater couldn't catch a football. What a pussy Yeah, but I met him and then as I met him he extends his hand But he's like staring at my wife's tits right so it's very anticlimactic the whole thing It's like like you could see his eyes through the mouth. I know it was like not even remotely. He's like, see, see, see, bazooka.

Hey, what's up? Hey, I'm eating tacos. But it was very anticlimactic because I was going, you know, I thought it'd be a funny picture. And it ended up being that. But it was like. I know you're be a funny picture and it ended up being that but it was like I Know you're not a real mouse, but extend the courtesy of looking me in the eye Yeah, you know and on top of that don't fucking say

It's fucked up so you showed up the second time and you were like now use I got my back against the magic. But yeah, I got in line and 95 percent of the day was fucking great. I really enjoyed myself. I just wandered around. It was great. And then I got in line for this and it just got weird instantly because families were like piling in behind me. And there's a cast member that goes around asking how many people are in your party and everybody's saying like three, four or five. And then it's like they get to me I'm just like one yeah

Yeah And then at that point like I took the picture and like they want you to get both Vicky and Minnie and my plan Was to just meet Mickey. I'm sorry meet Minnie take my picture with her and then walk past many be like nah I'm good. Yeah, and that's what I ended up doing, but they were just like what do you mean? You don't want to meet Mickey Yeah, I met him So you were holding on to this because you stared at your your your wife I was but the reason why I got weird Is just because that whole thing like people are people thought it was weird that I'm there by myself Yeah, no shit what they didn't know what are we talking about? We gotta pretend it's not fucking strange No, no, well, what they didn't know is that wasn't the

Guys been on the job for two months. You know what you did. That's like getting jumped by a dude with a mustache and then beating the fuck. No, but I get why it's weird. The people. And there is a subset of Disney adults that I think should be on a watch list. Yeah, of course. For me, it's a good place to hide.

For me, it's mostly about your interest in little kid buns. It's a great place to peruse and go, look at this. You put on some mirrors, you act like you're part of the fucking celebration the whole time, you're just, you know, I'm from the collection of words, little kid buns. Just saying it's a good fucking Give out like glasses that are like for single adults at Disneyland that are just like horse blinders Just a ball gang. Can't lick your lips when you see fat tits.

No, it's object. I'm glad that you find joy in it. Because, you know, I want that for you, but it's objectively strange for adults to be at Disney. Without children, by yourself, or even, you know, with children. No, with children. I bring my kids to Disney World. I get it. And I think for me, it's more about, all right, so our first big family vacation was going to Disney and it was a disaster.

So it felt like a major accomplishment being able to afford getting there. Right. So I think that plays a large part into why I like going back so much. Redemption. Yeah, it's like, I know it's insane. No, it's not. Where I could go anywhere in the world at this point and but it's like I choose to go back there

Yeah, I know that I like this but I wonder how much it's just like Trying to fill that void back at that. Yeah fucking mouse. Yeah Fuck that mouse. Wait, did you buy like do you have like Disney stuff in the house? No, Chris and like I can't even so then you're totally in the clear Thank you, dude in my opinion, and I can't even tell you the last Disney movie that came out Yeah, I don't get track of that. I just like going to the parks Yeah, which I'm sure is a whole and if you like going to the parks I could see I Can see why you just want to go by yourself once

Do you guys have dragging kids around is there anything that either of you are into that you think people might look upon oddly? Like a consistent now at not I don't really like much. I wish I wish I had more things. So I can't talk too much shit. I wish I had something to look forward to and save money up. I feel like Bob Seeger traveling. Like Waterworld.

I do love the movie Waterworld. Waterworld is the biggest box office flop in history. Yeah, well apparently it actually did well. They just spent like $600 billion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't think it did that well. Were you a kid when it came out? Yeah.

I think that's a big part of it because you think back to like the 90s and I think even early 2000s, there was so much marketing that went into movies where you're just like, I have to see this fucking movie. Whereas a kid you're like, I don't even know what it's about, but just have to see this. Yeah, but what a world looks so fucking cool. Yeah, it was it didn't matter that it stunk Yeah, yeah, you know, so you can be stunted if you watch a movie as a child, you know, the guy was entertaining It's a great movie You've you go through the rest of your life thinking that was a decent flick and you watch it when you're older Like it's like Citizen Kane, you know, I'm sure my dad think that was great or fucking cool hand Luke yeah both of those can fuck right off

except for like the you know cinematography and like all the good stuff yeah I don't know I feel like my I feel like my family was very like getting getting obsessed with something is is not good so I didn't do Yeah, I feel like I've been one obsession after another. Yeah, I'm kind of the same way, but not I don't have anything I hang on to. Well, you also got pussy. I did. I think that really changes things. Yeah.

Something else has to become. Yeah, you got to activate your brain in other ways. Yeah. Yeah. So you feel like Disney's pussy. That's your magical kingdom. You love me right? I do. I kind of I am jealous of it though. I do like I do like the idea of being obsessed with something especially if it's like some weird old Thing yeah, my obsessions are always like some dark and depressing like I like violent stuff. I like

You know Just like violent videos my kingdom like I love I Have daily routines. I love I have an intervention channel I just throw on Samsung TV and I watch intervention for if I have three four hours in a day Fire it up. I'll watch reruns. They go to pawn stars And I just that's my obsession. It's just like diving deep into people's depression aggression or sadness yeah

Therapy stuff. That's my therapy stuff. Yeah Yeah I just rather watch other people unravel so that I don't to deal with it myself Is there any anything beyond just like enjoying that like one intervention where you're just like like I'm very attracted to that woman I'm a baby. Just just the voyeuristic aspect. I feel like it's more I'm attracted to what they're doing The voyeur it's almost like you when you sober up you like watching Other people unravel because you like you see yourself in that a little bit and then you remember it like triggers feelings and experiences Where you go? Oh shit that you know, it's like your hotel story with your ball of coke dumping it down the you know

But it is makes for more compelling television If the if the girl is super hot and also it is really fucked up listen, dude go how I've done the research They could have just fucked a guy and be rich There was only one there's only one that I remember that I'm like damn this chick can get it and she was The most insane one of all time. She the in the back guest house of her dad and she was a stripper on meth on crack and Smoked fucking liquor all day long. What was her name? No, she was a dirty blonde sounds like a Cheyenne Sounds like dude. It's probably close. Yeah, like a real starlet pig. Like this chick, like she would...

Her sister came to save her and she like threw a couple noodles on the wall and she started like fist fighting her. And then the cameraman, she just like, she kept looking at the cameraman going, you want to record me? And then got stripped nude. And they'd blow her out her body and she's dancing like a Cinderella all around the mattress. Even as a dad, you got to just be be like just clean it up for like a year Yeah, and you can do whatever you want. Yeah, you could get this fucked up in someone else's guest Yeah, I gotta get her off the books it's like

Yeah, if she could clean up for like a couple months a man would put two forks in that pussy And eat for years. But yeah, there's not many. There's cute ones. You know, this air duster girl was kind of cute, but she was like book smart, cute. Library, cute. I think air dusters like a cute addiction.

Yeah, it's real fat mongrel addicted to air dusters. It's like cute and I have trouble Maintaining a fucking 3.8 GPA. It also feels like you're trying to do something positive and it just went She would go to fucking Home Depot and buy like a five pack or six pack and this is like she would sit in her car and just go The cameraman is door open staring at her she didn't even have the time to go all the way back home and she'd just be like Like just a fucking Were the windows tinted or was it just wide open?

The glass is frozen No, just a fucking you know, there's yeah there are starlets but they're not something you'd naturally stop at like a fucking You know that's a highlight of your day. If you're a catch here at office Depot seeing one of those like walk through this Yeah, thank God. Yeah, yeah, just like coming up with like five Just a huge sale you like my smoke break Good time see something like that on rabble Watch this on the good time. See something like that unravel.

The one time I got jealous of that was watching somebody that I knew. I didn't know this lady personally, but I knew from the footage that she lived maybe five blocks away from my house. So I got jealous knowing that you're watching intervention and you knew as watching intervention because my wife had told me that this lady from Delco was on there and I watched it. I was like, that's like we see that place right when we go for walks. So I did get kind of jealous knowing that like, I don't know if they were scouting in Delco or what

knowing that I could have been on Intervention at some point. Yeah. Wait, what was her addiction? It was it was booze. Black guys. I think it was booze and coke. I think was booze and coke The one thing I remember is that she had kids and Jamie's like my wife Jamie was just like yeah The kids go to Mikey school. Yeah, so I was like, all right, maybe I don't wish I was on there now. Yeah Yeah, so yeah black black guys, did you ever see her after the show I Actually, I saw her before

Going to a meetings so like I recognized her when I saw her on there, okay How was the a man's and then? It depends upon where you go. It can be either very positive or very strange. Yeah Cuz I've heard there are I've heard from other addicts like you know people go to a meetings just to meet and greet and also get fucked up I think so there's people that are truly invested going there for knowledge and to stay sober and there's a whole party group that goes there like find drugs and friends this episode is brought to you by Ridge Wallet the Ridge Wallet are you still kidding around the same bulky overstepped and let's be honest crusty leather wallet your grandfather had it's time

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You got one bag left. Yeah, three bags. I got two bags of the greens. I've been gaming like a monster. I've been letting loose. Yeah. I'm hitting the meals. I'm hitting the Hewls. It's a perfectly balanced meal designed by experts to provide all the nutrients your body needs from a meal. Hewl takes the guess a perfectly balanced meal designed by experts to provide all the nutrients

your body needs from a meal. Hewl takes the guesswork out of healthy eating. Yeah. It's the yeah, it's look if you're gaming, if you're in the mix, I'll give you a personalized thing. Yeah. Yeah. I used to eat so infrequently that I would take a multivitamin and a couple other pills and I put them in my jeans for when I actually and eventually have a meal that day. And then I forget that I have pills in my jeans and I wash them into my jeans. And there's pieces in my pockets I can't open.

Well with Yule, no joke. Yeah, you're not gonna ruin your jeans. I don't need to take the multivitamin because where do you see the mult, it's 27 vitamins and minerals in one little shake dude the greens and I put that to the side and I saved my dungarees It's unbelievable. This is genuine genuine read. Yeah, you'll probably my favorite sponsor. We don't eat and your pills are getting Called account Secondly call you that's 15% off plus a free gift for new customers using my exclusive code,

Stuff Island at huel.com slash Stuff Island. Huel.com slash Stuff Island. Please see your description for terms and conditions. Unlock a healthier, easier way to eat with Huel. Inditionally complete meals in minutes so you can focus on what really matters. Let's go. Huell. It is, I mean, because there's a popular misconception that just because like you're doing this shit

and going to AA that you're magically fixed. Right. But it's like, no, it's just like you don't have these things which are compounding whatever your issues are. So you're just unhinged now without having these substances to fall back on. Right. So it's like the worst aspects of your personality are now going to come out and they're just not going to be exacerbated by these

other chemicals. Right, right. So it's like people are fucking scheming, they're fucking cheating on their spouses. Yeah. And it was not, I remember when I first got the AA, people like regularly give out their numbers and just be like, Hey, if you need anything, just give me a call and you take everybody's number and

they'll just be like, Hey, put my number in your phone. And I did just about everybody gave it to me. And one was a lady and she was texting me like nonstop. And then at one point, one of the texts was just like, you know, it's pretty fucked up how you don't respond to somebody who's trying to help you. I'm married and I got kids. Yeah. What do you want out of this? That was the first indication that like that kind of shit isn't you know you know as as like peachy keen as like they make it seem. Yeah they make it seem like there's like a wise it's just all wise people in there. Yeah. You just go you walk into a group of wise like. Well like

you said they're there for a reason a lot of them are conniving they've they've made a life on trying to get money from parents grandparents they know how to lie and you know right and i wasn't i wasn't you know it's just salesmen yeah they're great salesmen clean them up clean them up and get them on your sales team sensitive people over yeah yeah you hit a certain quota every quarter give them some fucking drugs i think if i yeah i wonder if there's any episodes of a of intervention that when they came out calls someone to relapse What did yeah like they were doing better and then the episode comes out and they're just public Like if you got kids to it's like at the at the time it seems like a good idea like There can't be anybody who goes into that not knowing

What it is because I know they always say like hey, they think they're part of a documentary about addiction, but yeah Everybody knows that intervention is at this point at this point 100% I would say the first couple seasons you can hide it then it became a popular show You can follow around by like, you know producers and camera guys. Your life isn't that interesting You live in fucking low old, Massachusetts. You're doing heroin in the fucking alleys We need information from this dude and also like how much do you think they give you just to appear on that show that I mean To any addict whatever it is. It's got to be like holy shit. Yeah, it's kind of so many drugs My intervention money. Yeah. Yeah, I was always fascinated by the a thing

It was it was better for me. It was beneficial But at the same time like you have to find the right you got an ally communities We're just like you're just automatically in this this safe haven It's like no you also got to look out for the fucking sharks that are just yeah dealing with their own fuck. Yeah Yeah, can they turn people away from a? I've never seen it the only time they will check you like if you start talking about drugs Yeah, if you're at an NA meeting like you can it's it's the Wild West like It's it's insane like I I don't know that I would recommend that to people but a is much more laid-back

Yeah, and as long as you're not actively fucked up at the meeting or talking about drugs they'll just let you be. People get mad at you if you don't share a story. No and that was something that I think might keep people away too. Yeah. Because they just assume you got to fucking spill your heart out about how you got your cheeks clapped by your dad when you were eight. Yeah. Yeah. And especially if the room like kind of doesn't care. Yeah. If somebody's getting up to get a cookie while you're talking back in. Yeah, and especially if the room like to kind of doesn't care Yeah Here dude crunching pretzels as you're talking about your grandfather

That's literally one of my biggest issues in life is hearing someone crunch to talking about the calluses on your butt cheeks and hear somebody say, are these sentiments? Just crunching a Dorito bag, not paying attention. Just having a good time. Throwing it behind them. Instant fight. I get locked up the first AA I went to. My brother went to AA when he was 18.

And that traumatized me in a way that when I watch intervention, I fast forward through the whole actual intervention part. So I watch the mayhem, I rule for him, and then I watch, you'll see like in 90 days and you go fuck yes, dude. You know that kind of thing. Yeah, you know. Yeah. And if you don't get that ending, you're like that guy still do whatever the fuck he wanted to do. Good for him as

well. But yeah, and I went to the intervention when you had to like tell a story, you know. So he was 18. I think I was, uh, 12 something like that. And I had to write like a note because we're kind of making Disney going to Disney world by yourself seem pretty healthy. I know I should be going to Disney. I should be doing that. I should find some joy somewhere else. You should, yeah. Yeah, and then I had to read a fucking letter and I was like, that was the worst, the hardest thing,

second hardest thing I've ever done outside of saying goodbye to a loved one's father. It was like, that was, it scarred me. I would absolutely implode trying to write that letter. And I remember my dad telling my mom, like, Jane, he's 18. He's fucking off Now granted he was an animal but like he was doing normal shit But it's the first one so my mom came from an animalistic

Yeah, the household like he my dad's family ten times worse So my mother's like let's cut this gene off immediately, you know, let's put a fucking let's put a cork in this cut this gene off immediately, you know, let's put a fucking let's put a cork in this. In this mayhem. And then I thought it was worse for the family. Because everyone's like watching these actual addicts and like, adult grownups that have been through so much and then my 18 year old brother's been thrown up in a golf course trying to finger fucking somebody you know what I mean?

And then I'm up there crying telling my brother he's my hero and I'm like what how are you writing this letter 15 no 12 12 yeah 11 or 12 yeah probably beautiful cursive as well perfect penmanship I won the cursive award me and Joey Lane Wanted to save it, but it's just tears and throw up One time I I drew rocket ishmael on the Sports Illustrated In charcoal and I was like the most proud thing I've ever accomplished and my brother Steve comes over me and he's eating a plate of meatballs and he dropped a meatball directly in the center of it. So yeah I'm glad he went to fucking AA.

Enough is enough. Mom! Put him away! Steve got a meatball problem. Steve, you got a meatball problem. You do whatever you want outside of this house. My whole letter is about that. You drop a meatball on the rocket. You used to be my hero. You dropped a meatball on the rocket.

Dude, relative to what you're going to afford problems, D. Relative to what you just said about giving a speech while you're crying, I had to give the eulogy at my dad's funeral. And I wanted to just because I just wanted to say a lot about him, but I don't think I've ever felt more embarrassed. I've never had to really speak out loud while crying.

And you have to get through it. So I don't think there might not be any worse feeling than having to speak in public while knowing that you can't stop crying.'re just gonna bawl your eyes out. Yeah, and it burns in your throat. You're sick to your stomach. And you're gonna make every fucking comical noise that you could possibly make. Yeah. Dude, yeah.

A fucking softball sized snot bubble's gonna come out of one nostril. It just comes out like a clown horn. I'd be more terrified I'd be so scared of not crying Yeah, I mean yeah, I would be Yeah, you feel I would kill myself Walking away doing a triple fold wrong dad you're great There's nothing dude. It's just going sitting down the bugle what the hell's wrong

Nothing dude. It's just going sitting down the bugle what the hell's wrong Funeral still going on you fucking fuck yeah, I'm sorry about your father Mike Yeah, I just you know That's what we do here But I mean like I told Chris last night, you know, both my parents they died like My mom died like February 10th my dad died. Yeah, or no my mom died the 13th. My dad died the 23rd Wow, but I told chris last night that like i'm just glad they got they both got to see cooper dejean run back a pixel 100 percent. Yeah, one more dude there there might be kept him hanging on. He's like I just want I want to see one more

I went down that a lot of old white people in Philly died like during this time. Really? Because of how cathartic it was to see a white D back run back a pick six. Yeah. There might be like a heavenly migrant crisis right now. They have a whites only gay.

They're like, yeah, who's making the cake? Coy, I got piss. Nah, they know we're coming. White's only That was we've already talked about it, but that was the greatest weekend ever You texted me and I was like dude Everything still does I cannot shut the fuck up about it because you know With Philly sports. It's like nothing ever goes right. Yeah, and it's like we got we got to the Phillies won in oh wait It always felt like the bottom was gonna fall out. I came to the final fucking pitch and then when the Eagles won Yeah, 2018 it came down to the final final throw fucking Hail Mary. Yeah, so to have everything go

Yeah, as well as it could have fucking gone. Yeah felt like it's something horrific. Yeah, it's halftime here It's 24 nothing. They're like I felt sick. I was like This is not nowhere near where we need to be it Meanwhile, it's like if you're up eight or ten at the half people are like you're in good shape, too I think that was was like yeah That's such a weird feeling at halftime because you're like this is This is an insurmountable. Yeah, right Right, and then you start going you start panicking. You're like, this is an insurmountable. Yeah. Right? Right? And then you start going, you start panicking.

You're like, I wish it was only 10. Yeah. You know? They're up so big, they can think they've got it in the back. Yeah. Did that make you guys emotional when they won? Oh my God.

Yeah. Crazy. It might've been the purple fucking powder I took from that Asian kid. It might have been the purple fucking powder I took from that Asian kid. I did a key bump of purple powder from some fucking nip. Her magic kingdom. Tommy shows up at a hotel conference room in a Cooke, but it's like we're all sitting there with our letters for him.

We can't sit around and watch you. I think you also have that. We're all sitting there with our letters for him. So we can't sit around and watch you. I think you also have that. I had the same feeling when they won in 2018, though, where there's a little bit of like, you can't believe it. I still cannot believe it. You like kind of like. Yeah, it never feels like the pass is going to be incomplete.

No matter how many times I've rewatched fucking Super Bowl 52, it still feels like there's a chance that it's going to catch it. Yes. And or you just like, yeah, it's one of those things you feel like they're going to come out and like put time back on the clock or something. Something's going to happen. There's no way the game's over. They can't be over because they want. But yeah, it was great. I did a voiceover today for for that Fox cartoon. I still my voice is still fucked up from the Super Bowl. I think I've injured my Lairnick's yeah. Yeah, you remember the play that got you

No, it was it was the whole two days before not sleeping and then Screaming in the seats with Chris the whole first half and then I got the second half and I started trying to talk and I was like, oh shit. And then by the end of it, the screaming of like every touchdown, every point. Oh, God, I don't know. There was not one point where it just shut off. Yeah.

Did you have to give the voiceover people a heads up? I did, dude. So you're up like 35 to nothing and a call doesn't go your way. You're like, Oh, here we go. Here we go. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Yeah. Oh, let me guess. But yeah, I did. That's exactly how I opened it up. But before that I was like my girl and my dog. We went to this, uh, this whatever restaurant bar, beer garden, comp, who gives a fuck. And then they walked me to the soundstage where I had to do the voiceover and I'm saying bye. And then

I like stopped and I went to say bye and I turned to my dogs. My dogs started crying and I walked directly into this SUV dude with a drink. So I took a Mezcal Margarita to go in a plastic cup. So I'm going like, yeah, it's okay. And I smashed my whole fuck. The hat went sideways. I lost my Margarita all over the back of this fucking CRV. And I went in there immediately. I was like, guys, and it's a zoom.

So you're zooming with the creators And like the sound producer and all that there's like six guys on a screen and I was like I don't know whose cars in the driveway, but all I want to ask you is like, can I get the tape? The back of a black And then right after that was like by the way my I lost my voice at the Super Bowl And then right after that was like by the way my I lost my voice at the Super Bowl Intervention and going to Disney World is probably the best thing That's crazy send it you're ripping a mezcal margarita before you went in and I want To the pipes yeah get you Lucy goes. Oh,. Walking into the server. That was my first one. Really just walked into a car.

Security tape doesn't believe you. Hold the microphone to stabilize yourself. Worst part about it is she she she only had like a dog treat bag on her and I had to grab my my dog's like rubber dog bowl like the the water bowl and I had to like hide it in the head. So the whole tape is banana. But they have to play the voice back you know, there's like a specific tone to like the Delco voice that I do for this guy is like this Russ character I used to do years ago. So they have to like you have to go in the booth and you have to make can you I've

been here in months, two months. Can you play the character so they load up like an old episode and you play back the character Then you gotta do it again And then you riff and stuff and it's like it's so embarrassing So it's fun, but you're doing like the corniest Shit that like You feel like you're giving a eulogy to your dad. Hung over, hung over and sad voice back. You know, I don't know who that guy is anymore. I'll pass that guy.

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You'll never forget that. Head toe Mando. Head toe Mando. Portmanteau. Portmanteau. All right. Dude, if you move and don't Fantasize about punching your girl directly in the face for 12 straight hours. You are you moving? Yeah, have you moved?

It's been bad. Yeah, you guys Having it out. No, it's just like I can't do anything, right? It's like I know where to put things I don't need and as soon as she tells you to do something I start like doing it and then you hear Tommy Do you think she would fucking if you gave her a three-hour task like at the store? Do you think she would be aware of what you're doing? Like getting her out of there deliberately Yeah, have you thought about one million percent? Yeah Yeah, also she she would think through it. She's too smart for that. Yeah.

I wish I had two dogs, Mike. I got a girl and a dog. I wish I could throw a tennis ball over the neighbor's fence. Dude. No, she's great. But it's like when they're in, women are in this mood where like every piece of furniture, she already has locked down exactly where to go. And it's like, let's just put, put let these Honduran fucking take a water break

Immediately, I picked up some side ease. I got some fucking My girls like I was like, let's get some beers for the boys. These guys need to drink for them two of them Already had some I need a backup. He walked face first into the moving Two of them didn't speak any English they just laughed at he said. That's how you really know they don't speak. Yeah. Because you'll say something you're not trying to be funny. It's not cordial. But I smile a lot when I talk so they just go ah you know and the one guy the head Honduran he knew exactly what was going on so I'm like we're gonna go get

cervezas and they were like ah and then my girl goes over like she can't even speak Spanish. She's given brain. There's three tiny Frenchmen with great tans in Austin. No, so my girl walks up and she's like you guys want Modelo's and then she like immediately got shamed like You know like shameful like a did I am I like, you know, am I branding these guys? I'm like like they like fucking Modelo's if I was in Honduras, they'd be like do you want bug but light?

You know, I wouldn't take offense get him some fucking Modelo's so every time they come in like every 15 minutes they go They were cooking down in like four hours the boys were cooking I got nervous about that too when when I was moving here and guys were moving stuff I was like I felt like I should get him something to eat But I was like not gonna be like breakfast tacos. I was I was really like you guys want some pizzas or maybe some tacos He's asking you to sombrero Yeah, it's like throwing a pack of gum next to condoms on the fucking CVS thing I don't know which one I want

Which one do you need? Hot dogs or I don't know But yeah, I think Modelo is the most loving thing you can give them. Of course. Yeah. And I can, whatever they don't drink, I can crush, but I sent them off with the, you know, the rest.

Were you prepared to like play or was she prepared to play it off? Like she drinks Modelo's and that's just what she normally gets. No, but she's, yeah, she's the most. Yeah. She's wearing a taco hat. No, she's the most lovable.

I mean, she, she ingratiates herself in any. So they didn't they didn't care. They were staring at her tits. I got a picture. Yeah, that was their their their Mickey moment. Just being a Honduran staring at my girls. Dude, that is the most nothing makes my blood boil. Like my name getting yelled from another room, dude, and

it's fucking three minutes. Without any other information. Yeah. Just say whatever it is is going on in there to me in here. Yes. And I'll decide whether I need to go in there or not. Because we couldn't yell to our parents as kids, especially in my house.

Like you couldn't scream, and if they yelled, you had to stop whatever the fuck you're doing and go find them in whatever room they're at So when she does it to me, I get like fucking viscerally angry because it reminds me of my mom Going Thomas and then I got a stop jerking off Go down the steps and find her the kitchen. She's like, what's this mess? So it literally brought me back to childhood where like she'd like I don't think we should do this. And then she would tell me to do something like drilling something in and in between the drills. And then I got to go run to her again. What? She goes, this

box. I don't think this box should be. It's just nonstop bullshit. That's a move. That's what every move is. It's not her. See, my family yelled everything, all the information from wherever you were. You would would just go you see the screwdriver Yeah, nah, nah that's all right because you're a very smooth communicator My god Mike you want to start over Anyone's accused of an active Name oh No, there's never been a moment where I've heard you a raise your voice or to speak to somebody out of turn

Yeah, that's probably true. But I do I yell and scream. I like I that's it It's a upsets my girl because I yell and scream Like to myself. Yeah, and but you know or like kind of at her but not about her Yeah, you know when you're like talking about a situation and she'll be like this is like yeah, really not cool Yeah, I've done it like at restaurants rub it like it that fucking it's just like you realize people think you're screaming Dude I found a trick where like I instinctively smile after I yell about a story. Like I'll be yelling about something I'm pissed off at, at my girl in public. And then I'll have to finish it with like, you know, just in case someone's staring at

me, I have the same fear. Because you're just like an abusive dude at a taco shop. Yeah. But you know, we all we have everyone yelled in my house. We like yeah, just yell because it would suck. It sucks when you like if I would like yelled and someone came into the room and then I asked them if they had seen the stapler and then they hadn't they'd be like

you could have just I got to come all the way down here to tell you I haven't seen that thing. It's insane. And it's like I'll never understand simply not just like looking somebody the AI and saying something Yeah, like that she used to drive me crazy, especially at like the last job I had I had one boss who would always do that and I shared an office with two other people and the one lady Would always say Mike Phil's calling you. It's like yeah, but I'm not a fucking dog. I'm not gonna come run it Just come in and talk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Come tell me what's up. Yeah, that's kind of like the biggest issue. I have right now with my girl

It's like it's like the tone Because it's like I get I get fucking old school angry about like I hear what you're saying, but I don't like the way you're saying it And during a move, it's always out of tone Where it's always like I know you're stressed. I know you're moving a lot of stuff. But are you? Are you moving a lot of stuff? Because i'm moving most of the stuff with my honduran friends and i'm trying to get fucked off I just have a good time with my boys and you keep ruining it by screaming dude at one point the one guy that knew no

communicator She's screaming. She's yeah She screams tommy and I walk in there and I made like a face and I went She's yeah, she's cool Tommy I walk in there and I made like a face and I went Yeah, it was like the end of the day where I like I had enough and the guy was ripping the plastic like off like a package anyway Language of a woman pissing a man and we like greeted each other and smiling eyes and then she knew it and so she laughed So we're all cracking up how much he was a fucking bitch And so she left so we're all cracking up how much he was a fucking bitch

Is there one thing that one thing that sets you off more than anything else that somebody can do to turn you from smooth communicator Chris O'Connor to just bat shit insane ultimate warrior Chris O'Connor My biggest problem in any like relationship conversation or disagreement is that I like will not relationship conversation or disagreement is that I like will not tolerate I just I like if someone's got like like the what I think are the facts wrong we'll never get to the actual conversation they'll be like and then you did this and it's like that's not what happened yeah I know I will not like and I I know how annoying it is but I can't stop doing it. You know? Yeah.

I will not agree on a premise. I don't do this. This is my problem now. My biggest fear is like I'm already deadening that with my girl where like I know she means well, but I just rather not emote. I'd rather not go through all of that bullshit to prove my point that I am right. And I just go, yeah, fine. Because she's younger and I find myself like saying, well, no, what about this?

And then always ends up in an argument about like, she wants it this way. And I'd see why old men just start to cower and lose their spine about things and just like, you know, literally lose their shape. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fine. Cause they want their own fucking piece. Long-term relationships is just a series of small concessions. A hundred percent. Yeah. And then eventually I pray to God, I don't reach this point, but eventually you're just like, what am I? Yeah. What have I given up to get to this point? Yeah. Yeah.

Your sludge writing checks is what the fuck you are Yeah I'm keeping the fucking lights on so you can berate me every day about nothing. I Love her she's great The other thing that'll like this also another like super unfair thing that will drive me nuts is like She'll make an effort to like Be a better communicator, you know, like be like, you know that thing where you're like instead of exploding I'm gonna like be calm and like walk through this and that bothers me You know what? I mean when they're like trying a new technique right I that drives me you not dude

I'm but it's so like they're you know, they're doing the right thing, but I was like it's like yeah Well, you're changing the tone of your message, but you're not changing the message, which is the problem in the first place The problem is you're wrong So if you calmly tell me the wrong shit, I'm gonna go this is work Yeah, cuz now you're confidently saying it Yeah, the absolute wrong thing. That's the worst part is when you come back in the same vernacular Yell at me I'd rather you punch me in the fucking chest Yell at me. I'd rather you punch me in the fucking chest

But I've only punched a steering wheel once with her in fucking two years, that's pretty good it's incredible the shit I used to do like to get out my fucking Just you know let someone that fucking feel out like in baseball or football basketball like you want to feel something back So when you're pissed off like in in the center field, I punched the ground as hard as I could. I would punch right between my fucking cleats because I want to feel a shock that it just goes calm down. You get you exert. You get rid of some of this fucking aggression and energy.

If you had punched the horn and the horn just maintained and it's just stuck in that position, would that have made you even matter? Do that have chilled you out? This is so this is my thank God you brought this up. My new move is just blowing the horn. Cause it makes me laugh and then she gets out of her vibe too. So when we're getting in a fight about something and I can't, I just go, And she's nervous about me pissing somebody off on the road and knowing that I'll actually fight somebody.

That's brilliant. So then she'll go, just stop! And then I start laughing so then I keep blowing the horn for like a good block and a half We get the fuck out of it blowing the horns a great fucking exit. That's a parachute out of fucking violence Now what kind of pattern you? Want is hard long because it scares her scares her and she's not ready for it. It's like sitting on a whoopie. It's like a sound punch.

Yeah. And she goes, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. She bats it out and then I laugh and I release that energy because I can't punch anything. I can't break a fucking window. And then I a couple of blocks later, I every, you know, bring it back in softer and then then it's cute again. She forgets she's a fucking idiot. The amount of times people probably thought Mexico won the World Cup.

He's got the movers in the flat. Dude, I miss that story, man. They're the beads are going to get. Well, we had the Moroccans going wild. Oh, my God. Morocco. Yeah, that was huge. I think I came to your apartment while that was happening Yeah, you were there for one of them. Oh, dude relative to the fucking horn thing I remember riding in your buddy's truck and he had replaced his truck horn with a train horn You know who that is? Yeah, just texted me Billy Haley, but imagine doing that shit with a fucking train horn in your truck

Yeah, Billy Haley put a train horn. This you've heard about this guy. He was a fucking Delco legend. His whole family's fighters. The dad used to make them fist fight in the backyard. All the brothers, if there was like an altercation. Oh my God. They'd go in the backyard and like legitimately fist fight. Just like ring the bell.

Yeah. And they were just known for ringing the bell is what I would fucking. That's the kid's nickname dude. Ring the bell. That dude would just, yeah, he's Tasmanian devil of a human being. In the greatest way. Anyway, he put a train horn in his fucking giant truck.

And we were doing blow out front of the fucking. We were doing blow off a CD case in front of, in front of Maggie O'Neill's in Drexel Hill. After a few beers, he said, come out to the truck. I want to show you my horn. And then we start blowing lines. And then I was like, I hate the horn, dude. And it was a full train.

And I got so nervous because we got a whole CD case of fucking four o'clock at a bar that's not supposed to be. Okay, there was a cop in there, though. There at a bar that's not supposed to be. There was a cop in there, though there was a cop that we were sitting next to and we just struck up small talk and he mentioned that he's a Philly cop and during the course of the conversation, he casually used the N word. Yeah, I'd say, you know, he's a Philly cop. That's showing your badge and Philly.

Be so funny to hit the train horn right at that moment. Like a movie. It used to be a nice city to always do. Doesn't that like shatter glass? It was so Saturday at 1015, Billy or Jimmy texting me with Billy and some other dude Justin shout out Justin. He listens to all our stuff. He wanted me to facetime him And I was deep in a fucking move. I'm gonna facetime two Halley's And some fan I probably would have went right to a drug dealer just seeing his face would have sent me back

That's the ultimate that's the ultimate fucking kids who fought in a backyard move. Yeah Yo It's watching a black-and-white movie I'm like, yeah, call him back in the library. You're like, I'm ready now. Yeah. God forbid they got like somehow good at like geo locator or something. I don't want any indigenous trees in the background. Where are we at? 52. You want to plug anything, Michael? Yeah. Your new book?

Yeah, I have a bunch of books for sale on my website. My website is onperks.com. You can get my last two books there. My first book, On Perks, which details the Disney sagas and my years long run with painkillers, which had a lot of fun. And my most recent book. Highly recommend. Yeah, by and large, I really had a good time. Yeah, they had a little preview of the Disney story.

Yeah, maybe a little perv. And then my most recent book called Delco Derpaul. Tommy and I grew up in pretty much the same area. We went to the same high school, though we didn't know each other in high school. Your year difference. Yeah, the same high school though. We didn't know each other in high school your year difference Yeah, it was it was insane. But uh, yeah But did you guys know about each other in the high school? Yeah, I knew of him I mean, yeah star athletes or I heard his name all I also knew a lot of your friends I knew Benny or peas in like a lot of dudes that you fucked with So there was like a hodgepodge

You know many many or peas. Yeah legend He's so funny dude, he's so fucking funny But when I remember the one when Benny first started getting regular pussy He came in class and he told everybody about it and he was like counting down the minute So he eighth period was done so he can go fuck his girlfriend and he's grabbing the front of the desk It just So he eighth period was done so he can go fuck his girlfriend and he's grabbing the front of the desk Yeah, that kid was fucking nuts dude, yeah Perfect shitty high school friend name

The man Benny or peas almost every dude. I know you could put in a script and you'd be like that's a fake name Guys last name is literally or pizza Flea Hindley Yeah, it's always an Irish or Italian It sounds so goofy. You know first time I got high was with Benny Orpiz and Flea Hindley. Really? Yeah. They were just sitting in a car down the side street. I was walking down and then in the back they were both sitting in the back seat.

The window rolls down and Benny says, hey Rain, you want to get high? His laugh dude. He's got a fire dude. I don't know, is Flea in there? I only do it if Flea Hindley's doing it. RIP Flea though. Oh yeah, no shit. I would do to flee It could be a pool of betting pool. Dude, what good boys, man. Yeah, great boys. So OnPerks.

Yeah, OnPerks.com is my website. Also check out my podcast that I do, DadMe Podcast with Ken Butterly, funniest dude on the planet. Hell yeah. And I also do a little stinkers podcast. Jake Matera, John DelCarlo. It's a true crime podcast, but I promise you, it's not hot topic, fat girl, true crime.

It's funny. Yes. Yes. Let's go. That's an elite squad Oh, dude, everybody's Jake and John is so yeah Do you we're gonna do the patreon if you want to stick around love to yeah Head over to patreon.com slash Smash that subscribe button. Yeah, is that what you say? Right like and subscribe like and subscribe to we're almost at 50 G's