Stuff Island - New Cave - Stuff Island #146 w/ Luke Touma & Shawn Gardini

Episode Date: August 14, 2024

New Cave - Stuff Island #146 w/ Luke Touma & Shawn Gardini Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en -Follow Luke on IG: https://www.instagram.com/luke.touma/?hl=en - Follow Shawn on IG: https://www.instagram.com/shwangardini/?hl=en Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.squarespace.com/STUFFISLAND to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Get $5 off off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code STUFFISLAND at shopmando.com Head over to Moonwlkr.com and save a massive 30% your entire order with promo code: STUFFISLAND Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

you don't think the hot ones have a gay friend no no no hot hot alpha females they stay in their fucking lane dude they get all their medals from cheerleading and they're just confident in their skin yeah the gay guy takes too much attention away 100 they don't want it they know he's fake the heifers they could they need all the attention they could get yeah porkers needs the porkers need some eyeballs on them. The porkers need a right hander. They need visibility. In the bullpen.

Yeah. They need someone flagging people down. I lost my fucking voice this morning. What happened? I was yelling in a recording booth. I'm doing a Fox cartoon. Yeah. How's it going?

And this guy, the whole episode, it was like the longest episode I've ever gotten for anything I've ever done. Like usually get like a few lines, maybe a nice chunk of dialogue. I had like 10 pages. It's just me the whole episode. And it's a horse race.

So I'm screaming on a horse the entire fucking episode. You play a jockey? No, it's just this fat, I can't, I don't know how much I know how to say. Yeah, no, he's not a jockey. His family were jockeys.

And then... And he's like an OTB or something? Yeah, something happened to somebody in his family, so he got away from horse racing, but then he hops on this horse. And then, so I'm just screaming, yelling at a horse. I had to do a lot of fucking...

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Giddy up. Ooh. Get along, limp dog. Dude, they don't... There's like six people on a zoom call staring at you and i just start cracking up because it's so embarrassing you gotta do that yeah you gotta do all the noises you gotta do it it's like oh you're getting on tom it's like some girl with purple

bangs in la like you're getting on a horse a little grunting obviously it's like shut the fuck up. We're going to do that. They said they liked that. We're going to do that three more times. All right. Dude, 90 degrees in a fucking box. I could never do that.

I was on a Zoom call for that thing I was telling you about. Yeah. That I'm going to act in. And we were doing like a read through. And the other guy I'm like reading the scene with. We're just, you know, I'm getting the dialogue down. I'm new to acting. And the producer kid like stops him at one point and was like, hey, yeah, so, like, at this scene, you're going to be doing this,

and Luke's going to be doing that. Like, you're explaining the scene, and I thought it was normal. The other kid, the other actor kid was like, you're ruining my rhythm. Like, on Zoom. Like, I didn't know we were taking that seriously. He was like, oh, yes. Yeah, he's like, so, in this one, you know,

you're grabbing something out of the backpack, and he's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, through the fucking Skype call. Fired. There's no one that important. I did not. Fired immediately. I didn't know someone could take, like,

a Zoom acting read-through that seriously. You can't. And I was like, oh, am I not bringing my A game enough? I was trying to, like. Let me guess. Is he in LA? No, he's a New York guy. But, you know, he's very actor-y.

Yeah. Theater kid. So he's an actual actor. Theater kid, definitely. That's why. Actual actors are fucking insane people. When I first moved to New York... He was good at it.

Me and Norman had the same agent and we would go on like these same like calls and we'd walk into like hungovers, hell, from shows or whatever. You'd walk into the little audition room with all the actors waiting around and you know immediately and there's one guy comes in he's like you know man we're all actors and norman's like i'm not it's like yeah i'm not either yeah they're like and the one kid started doing he was doing band workouts he brought a band

stood on it and was doing fucking curls in In the room. Wait, wait, wait. In the fucking room. Why? Was it like a shirtless park? This is how, no, it's how it gets jacked up. Because no one's ever told him he's an absolute fucking dildo. He punched him in the face. He's getting in the zone.

And I just laughed at him. Because I thought, that's the only way. I just go. You know, one of those things. Because I can't be like, you're a fag. Can you stop being a fag? It's so funny. You're like bringing kettlebells to the Warner Brothers lot.

I do whatever. It's like watching a comic like Shadowbox before he goes on stage. You're like doing push-ups. I opened for a guy who does that. I did. Is he white or black? White. Oh, I know a black one.

White one. You got to remember to tell me. Was it Brian Callen? Yeah, you nailed it. Who? Brian Callen. Who's that? He's a comedian.

Oh, Brian Callen from LA. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He does push-ups or shadow boxes? He shadow boxes and he's really funny just as a person. He's like a cartoon. Yeah. He's like you if you were on meth or something. He's like you on like...

He's speedier than I am? Yes. Really? He's like a speed you were on like meth or something. He's like you. He's speedier than I am? Yes. Really? He's like a speedier, older Tommy. He's really your like final evolution. He's like the next Pokemon. I don't know, man. I like to think I'm slowing down a bit.

Yeah, I know. This is like. And then I see clips of me and I'm not at all. I'm just saying like my pacing seems to be cooling out. I think you're slowing down. Yeah. You see it, right? You're chill.

I'm chilling. You're chill Tommy. I like that you're not chill, though. It's comforting to me. Bill, there's levels of me that'll never be chill. So like, high anxiety, no matter what it is, but now I'm calming into my lifestyle. I'm getting more confident with

what we're doing, where we're living, who we're interacting with. I've honed all that from entertainment, starting in entertainment and stand-up. You start to go, less of this, less of this. Get that fucking kid out of my face. And then you start enjoying your nights out. I'm not going to that place.

I fucking hate the way it makes me feel. I'm going to look for this guy's face, that girl's face, hang out in the corner, have a few beers, get the fuck out of there before the critters come in. You know what I mean? Critters with backpacks and shit that I used to be like, oh, how you doing, man? Doing a couple bumps with these bed bugs and then you know

I'm all fucked up the next day and I can't control myself. You see how I calm down? Chill Tommy. This is chill Tommy. This is beach bum Tommy over here. No, it's... Cow bunker Tommy. This is classic shit. This is Beach Bum Tommy over here. No, it's... Cowabunga Tommy.

Cowabunga Tommy. Tacoma Tommy. I came around on it. I can't switch it up now. It was nice. I'm going to Tacoma this weekend. Are you? Please, for the love of God, come.

I'm begging you. I gotta say, that was the worst city in the whole trip. Really? For me. I've never been there. I've been to Spokane. Just the city or the worst city in the whole trip. Really? For me. I've never been there. I've been to Spokane. Just the city or the show? The city's beautiful.

The people are, it's just a fucking, it's a 64 pack of crayons with like the wildest variety of like quarantine West LA fucking dildos. Like they still believe we're still in lockdown. Everybody wears masks. All the kids are trans. Are you sure you're not talking about Portland?

No, it's ten times worse than Portland. Portland, by the way, one of the best shows. Portland shows up. Tacoma was a great show. The comedy fans that came to see us

were great fans. Just like the majority of the city is very strange. Were you with Zach Summerfield? No. He's a Philly guy from there. Wait, yes. Yeah, I was with Zach. He works there. Yeah, he's the fucking man.

He is the fucking man. Shout out to Zach. We were trying to get him to move here. Yeah, I'll see him this weekend. I'll tell him too. Yeah, he's great. The club's great. Fans are great. People. Bad city, though. The Pacific Northwest is weird yes

you meet like crunchy skinny like white kids who like to go on hikes with the weird long hair and then I've also met like fat drunk half Native American

guy like alcoholic I don't even know if they're natives or what they're just disheveled I've met like philosophical black guys

yeah there's a weird mix nobody there is what I know I hate to be this guy philosophical black guys yeah there's a weird mix of nobody there is what what i know i hate to be this guy but like all the there's no men yeah there's no guys like even the dads are like blobs of shit that are like betas and like their kids are on leashes with fucking weird purple hair the women just hate everybody. They just, you know, they look at you like I start at the fucking plate.

Yeah, the dad's very, Caleb? Yes. What do we talk about? And he's on all fours barking because he's a dog. Yeah. You have to express yourself.

I gotta get a vape real quick. Go ahead, get your vape. Yeah, so I'll be in Tacoma this weekend. Go see. Please come. I hope it's fun. And so I'll be in Tacoma this weekend Go see Please come I hope it's Fun

And then I'll be in Spokane after that And San Diego On Wednesday Please for the love of God I'm begging you I told Scott to come to San Diego I hope he does I hope people come

I don't know What's the date? Do you want to say it again Or you already get it out? I already got it out Yeah? Yeah Please for the love of God It's on my Instagram SeanGardini.com What's the dates? You want to say it again or you already get it out? I already got it out. Yeah? Yeah. I'm excited.

Please, for the love of God, send my Instagram, SeanGardini.com. SeanGardini.com. One date or two dates? Two. I'm doing the weekend in Tacoma and a Sunday in Spokane

after the weekend. That one rules. And a Wednesday in San Diego before it all. That's great. I'm chilling on Thursday in San Diego. That'll be nice.

Hell yeah. What are you going to do? Say nothing. Sit in the fucking hotel room. I know. That's great. And I'm chilling on Thursday in San Diego. That'll be nice. Hell yeah. What are you going to do? Say nothing. Sit in the fucking hotel room. I know, you fucking idiot. You've got to go see something. Dude, go to... I was there pretty recently.

I went with Sass and we fished and that was fucking awesome. Gurdini, you've got to go to this bar called La Jaina's. It's on Pacific Beach, but it's like a dive and it's super cheap. And it's right on Pacific Beach. It's amazing. And you could just get hammered or just slug beers they've great nachos I go to the heinous then the energy of you and sass in a boat the fish probably just float to the surface we did freshwater we were like in this beautiful lake oh no. It was so sick.

We were on the shore, though. Was it you that pissed me off about fishing in these little ponds? And fucking showing fish on Instagram? That's crazy. You were mad at me about that. Why don't you like it? You think it's stolen valor? Yeah.

I respect, like, I'm going to go relax. A little catch and release. You don't fucking hold up a bass from a fucking little pond behind a duplex and a fucking taco bell. Like, you didn't do any work. There's like thousands of them in there. Yeah, I guess. You got no skill set. It's fun.

You want him to bear grills every fish? No, just like, you know, we went to a lake on our tour, and I learned how to catch. My boy was, oh, Ryan Donahue was teaching me how to fish. Oh, nice. And I was catching smallmouth. I got a largemouth that was like right coming up to the fucking, I had him hooked right at the boat, did one of those moves. That to me it's like i was visiting my parents i just reminded me of it i didn't think i was thinking

about it for like three days wait is this a pond fish too yeah yeah you gotta let those go dude no dude i'm telling you you're hating on the pond life sound elf in the comments if you like fishing in ponds yeah let me fucking identify yourself. This dude's a coward. Pond hopping is nice. It's literally paying for a wild game. Like, you're that piece of shit millionaire that's like, I want to kill a lion. And you get in a car,

and they drive around looking for a lion just hanging out with his wife. Oh, you think it's like Dick Cheney fishing. Yeah. Yeah, it's not real. You're not really, you know. Let's have a full-time, not a full-time. It can't be a full you know. Let's have a full time. Not a full time.

It can't be a full time. Let's go on a fishing trip like Chris and I did the tuna. I'd love to. And striper. Don't you think we should start with a pond, though? No. You and me. We don't fish.

We should start with ponds. Yeah, but out there, you don't need to. You just throw a line. Really? In the ocean. In the ocean. You just wait for it. It's all about finding the pods of fish that are...

Schools of fish that... So you have a guide bring you out to where the fish are. You got a guide going. Yeah. It's this time of day. They usually come in due to the currents. They come in due to the feeding. That's real fishing.

Having a man tell you where to cast. Because fishing in the pond is cheating, though. Dude, this is a vast ocean. I'm just asking this little fucking guy that failed at a grade school to get me to a fucking area where there might be a fish he's like no that's not fishing the pond the punch is bullshit you gotta have a hot guy take you to the middle of the ocean rub your back tell you where to cast it in dude this guy was wearing like a fucking blue lives matter shirt oh yeah i remember that yeah the boat was bananas, dude.

I know, I was jealous. It was awesome. They were great. We had to drive like three hours from Connecticut, and then we took off from Rhode Island, I think, and then we were on a boat in the dark for the first hour and a half, two hours. It's like 5 a.m.?

Yeah. Yeah, we left at like 3 a.m., and then the sun was coming up right we got there like three and a half hours four hours this sounds sick and then we trawled for tuna dude the sun's coming up there's we have footage yeah look at this the sun's coming up and the dolphins are following the boat you see the birds start to dip down and drop and we were told these are all the signs that tuna's coming because they all that they're they're uh they're chasing the big schools of what not sardines but like tinier fish that come in

giant pools i got nothing it's christ no it was awesome you gotta edit the video so you gotta watch out for minnows and whirlpools you know all the stuff out there you know yeah there's like a there's a flock of sharks just watching you wing it talking about the ocean dude and then we got whales we got whales oh we're the fucking drone oh we brought our boy clay oh the camera guy he's got a drone takes it off from the boat goes over top and the waves the whales are uh what do you call them when they come to the surface reaching they're breaching nice they open the fat mouse they take in about six thousand

dude i went whale watching in provincetown massachusetts my mom and i went there all the irish girls notorious gay town is it, it's like a huge gay hub. Oh. It's kind of sick though. It's a great town. That sounds like a hard town. That sounds like a hard school.

No, Providence Town's like gay as hell. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's like the Castro in San Francisco. I'm thinking Providence. No, Providence is WAP Central. Yeah. Providence can be a little rough

around the edges, but Providence Town is nice. What are you doing at Providence Town? My mom wanted to go. Ah. Just me and my mom. Let me guess me guess she got sick you went by yourself no you know fishing or rain check i was like i gotta go no we went whale watching though and i was like she really wanted to go whale watching and i was like all right i'll go like that sounds fun like you know it's my mom we'll maybe we'll see a whale dude it was one of the coolest things yeah we saw like 10 whales we saw one of the whales things. Yeah. We saw like 10 whales.

We saw one of the whales slap the water with his tail. Like from a movie. That scared the shit out of me. I couldn't, I was into it. I couldn't believe it. It's emotional. It gets you emotional. It does.

It did. It got me fucked up. When I saw the whale just come up like this and his whale, his tail was the last thing. Like that Prudential commercial. Yeah. Without the Jews raping you, you go, wow, this is incredible. These are large, beautiful beasts. They're out there.

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Stuff Island pod dot com. Dot com. I'll tell you that right now. It's Stuffisland.com. Stuffislandpod.com. I'll tell you that right now. It's a great point, Sean. Thank you. Sean, because you have to head to... I'll show you how to head to that. You got to head to HTTPS. Do you want me to say the whole thing?

No, just head to Squarespace.com forward slash Stuffisland to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code stuff island. Again, head to squarespace.com slash stuff island to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code stuff island. Do you ever see the ones where they fucking just land on a boat? Yes. And just send everyone flying.

Like there's a, do you ever go on one of those? The big... Like a big balloon. And then you sit on the one end and then the dude touches you? Yeah. Fuck, dude. I want to do that so bad. I used to do it when I was a kid.

And my dad would send us flying. We'd do a cannonball. Wait, did you get... He got up a ladder? Yeah, like a little platform or something. They were around that long ago? That's like a new thing. No, no.

I was probably like maybe 11. Don't you just get the town fatty? You get them on top, and then you just launch the smallest thing. You want a big boy to do it because he can launch a few of you. You can do it with a pal. If you've got a big enough guy. Yeah, I'd like to do one of those. That's how they equate.

Dude, just seeing a five-year-old somersault 100 feet. My dad always used to throw us, too, in the pool. And I remember one time he botched a throw. I heard one of my cousins. What, against the side of the pool? I forget. Well, I was so young. I don't remember what happened.

I just remember we didn't really talk to that side of the family for a while. Dude, my boy Andrew the family for a while. Dude, my boy Andrew Rahm had a boat. Love you guys. Which was so rare. Like, dude in my neighborhood having a boat. But his parents were smart. They just got a bay house in Wildwood.

Nice. And they got a boat. And the dad took us out on the boat. And he's like, Andrew, you can drive, right? And Andrew takes me out, my best friend. We go water skiing. So now it's just us. And he takes the turn.

And I'm, you know, just going on that like. And he takes a turn and the fucking, the torque sends me into the reeds. Oh. So like I'm getting close to the edge of the the mud wherever the fuck it is and i just let go and i went like 30 feet yard sale like i hit something and the fucking the skis went flying the rope is gone and i had to walk through this like sharp bamboo crab infested fucking sludge of shit it smells like low low tide smells like horse shit yeah it's the stinkiest pussy you can ever imagine i get out of the weeds and they're just all pissing themselves

dude i knew a mexican kid whose fingers got cut off on a boat my buddies were all on a boat with him. Cartel? Wait. No. No. No, a tubing accident. Ah. Same thing. Good guess though. Yeah. That's so funny. It was a drug kingpin. Yeah.

The cops catch an actual cartel dude, he's like, you're arrested. He's like, it was a tubing accident. The rope, I was grabbing the rope and the rope, he cut the fingers off. Did it pinch? Yeah. So he was grabbing a rope in a loop and he didn't realize he was grabbing the rope, and the rope, he cut the fingers off. Did it pinch? Yeah, so he was grabbing a rope in a loop, and he didn't realize he was grabbing a rope, and then it went taut and just pulled him off. Like just bones out?

I wasn't on the boat. They said it just pulled off. Yeah, I guess so. Like a buffalo wing, the bones are still there. I think it was quick enough where it just severed him off. Yeah, there's a video that was just released like a couple years ago of an Indian dude taunting a lion. And he's like, he's doing this shit.

I think you should have seen this. He grabs his fucking fingers and when he finally gets it out, because the other Indians are whacking him with fucking sticks. Sandals. Sandals. Like in the George Bush treatment, dude.

Like a Mexican auntie. But he pulls out and it's just bone. Like it just skinned it And then like one's off totally And then there's like three bones Oh my god Tough break Tough break dude

That's how they wipe their ass too He's got no meat anymore Switch hitter It's gotta take months to learn how to wipe your ass with the opposite hand Yeah that's tough You got a bidet no oh man i don't know you're fucking crazy yeah yeah yeah you still like the first thing yes but people that have bidets some bidet people don't wipe anymore that's crazy crazy that's also for people that shit like puppies yeah like my dog it's a it's a,

isn't it nice when you get one of those? So solid. Well, she's not drinking and eating fast food. So it's all good quality human grade fucking chicken meat.

You know what I mean? Your dog's eating healthier than you? Yeah, a hundred percent. Oh my God. That's my baby. That's my baby. I will fuck this up

to save that girl's life. So her dumps are thick and tight and glorious. And then when that fucking, That's my baby. I will fuck this up to save that girl's life. So her dumps are thick and tight and glorious. And then when that fucking, the end of it, it's like a snipping of a hair. There's nothing getting out of there. If I shit like that, yeah, I can imagine just doing power wash and dabbing to dry off. But I do like three, four wipes. Nice.

Tuck my roid back in. Then give it a power wash. Slick it back up. No, a power wash and then I dry it off with an extra one it's $100 I'm not gonna say the brand name cuz they won't sponsor us because I fuck I would talk about every goddamn show dude it changed my life that's what I got talking about the bidet try to get the sponsorship they're like this is gross I call my agent I like, can you just call them again? They're like, they're not interested. I'm like, that's not true.

You can cut together some of the times I've spoken about it. I'm passionate. Somebody tried to get a sponsorship by talking about hungover whiskey shit. I'm like, I think we're good. Yeah, they're like, we're doing okay. We don't need this fucking monkey talking about this. The mothership has the best fucking bidet oh my god i would never shit at the mothership what you're using the personal bidet in the fucking in the green room bathroom you're supposed to i thought

supposed to why i i had trepidations about it before and everyone was like what are you fucking gay how many how many pills of trepidation did you take i was just cut that i was you know i didn't want to shit in public i was like did people walk by this i'm not shitting in there everyone bullied me into shitting so then i used the bidet and it was awesome and it has a drying feature on it so you had the shit so bad that you had to tell people that you had the shit so bad it was just like friends two or three friends in the green room and i was like i will say the bathroom is very nice it's really nice and the bidet is of all places yeah those are top tier comedy club bathrooms i took a shit the creek like a month

or two oh it was an old creek has a glory hole the creek has a glory hole why there's a glory joke glory hole that they use for someone's album cover years ago. But it's actually, you can access it? It's just a hole in the stall with a piece of paper covering it with tape. Oh, my God. I never noticed that. Yeah, there's a glory hole. So you kind of just look through it at the guy next to you if you're shitting,

because you're around glory hole level when you're shitting at the creek. Yeah, it is always fun to go from the mothership to the creek and just get that ice bath of fucking maniacs when you walk in. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Just comics that are just like, they look like they're going to bite your nose off. It's a real culture shock. It's like remembering where you came from.

It's like going to visit the hood. And I like how the backyard is just all like turf in case you do scrap. You got good footing. You know what I mean?

It's just like running routes. if you want. Running like running running routes 60 chairs no tables just assorted i actually like that i think that's brilliant you can make a big group the table's a little limiting you can make a 20 i'm gonna go there after this i think yeah you should bees is there he wants me Bees yesterday. Did you end up hanging out with him? No. I told him to go home. He was looking for something. Again, slow it down.

He was looking for something. I get a text from a certain person at a certain hour and I know what's going on. You know what? I think I'm going to go home. I kind of signed you up for a crazy night

because you were like, I'm going to take it easy tonight. Then I saw Bees. He was like, what are you doing? Where are you going? I'm like, I'm going to do this spot over here. And it was Black Rabbit. And I was like, are you doing? Where are you going? I'm like, oh, I'm going to do this spot over here.

And it was Black Rabbit. And I was like, oh, it's like a BYOB thing. He's like, oh, so what should I do? I was like, Tommy's at the creek. He's like, Tommy's? Oh, I'm going to the creek. He did say he was at the bar. And then I was in the green room talking to a bunch of people.

And I was like, I'm going to wait. Dude, I'm going to wait this dude out. It was broad daylight. He was half in a bag outside the mothership and so happy. He was in a great mood. Yeah, he happy he's beezer doesn't get sad no he was in a he's a great guy to run into he i'll tell you what he was just kind of standing there waiting for something to do and i was like you should go hang out with tommy at the creek in the cave he's like nice he's chilling when he's rested not yapping his fucking mouth he's the greatest dude in the world

at this at the at the ship he could he wouldn't i literally his fucking mouth, he's the greatest dude in the world. At the ship, I literally had to go, will you shut the fuck up? We weren't even talking to him. I was talking to somebody else, and he just kept chiming in. I was like, will you shut the fuck up for a second? He's like, all right, my baby, what the fuck? I know.

You're not even in the conversation. You're just Isaac right now right now He's on vacation He is on vacation That kid's on He's been on vacation Since I met him 15 years ago He's on all-inclusive vacation

For 12 straight years Sorry if I'm tired I podcasted for three hours you podcasted for three fucking hours you should have told me that why did you do three hours of podcasting we just did Nate and LeMaire and Andy's podcast me and bees

oh nice you don't seem that tired I don't have much shit to say but I never really do yes you do sometimes you come and you're sparking you don't have shit to say is when you're fucking

blacked out and angry. Midnight. Midnight. Little gizmo here. This fucking gizmo comes out. Dude, this dude is saying it on the other podcast. Dude, Sassy Gardini.

Dude, Sassy Gardini is a treat. Yes. I love Sassy Gardini too, dude. Dude, when he gets up looking at his eyes he's looking down kind of angry.

As soon as I see him, if it's getting close to fucking Gremlin time, when Gardini turns into Gizmo, I'll be like, you want a shot? I'm trying to push this motherfucker over the edge. I was at the mothership. So-and-so, guess he's all big time now. Guess he's too big for Sean.

I get it. Okay, my day will come. They'll all see. They'll all see. That's so good, dude. Nobody's respecting the Kang. They don't know I'm the Kang. I don't ever say stuff like that.

These people gotta start showing me some love before it's too late. I don't like that. That's so good. What are you talking about? Respect the game, dude. I don't say that. I don't know.

You're pretty close to that language. You said some wild shit like that. No. No, that's why I love you. You get blacked out. I like it. You get mob boss. The lines you say are so out of the blue and it's not part of your

normal repertoire. You get threatening in the calmest way. Gardini in the daytime is like, might get a cheeseburger. Maybe a quesadilla. I'm not sure yet. It's just mundane decisions.

He's like, they'll all see one day. He's like a Disney villain. Yeah, very vengeful. A Pixar cartoon. That's what I said to you the one time. I was like, 2024 is the year of holding grudges and never letting anything go.

2024 is the year of being angry and never letting anything go dude i just did uh that stand up on the spot was just released today i haven't looked at it yet but i talked to uh jeremiah when i was coming back from uh i don't know it doesn't matter a few weeks ago jeremiah's like yo just we just cut the episode you're fucking great do you want to review it i went no i'm not gonna watch it there's no way i'm gonna watch it it makes me sick and i'm nervous and i i'm hung over his hell on a plane right so i'm like just let me know do i say anything crazy and he goes no i'm like he's like like what i was like did i say anything about the

jews or fucking black people like anything really bad right yeah and he's like oh no no no no no no dude i finally got around to watching a part of it and i just skipped skipped and there was a fan in the crowd you know they just scream out yeah it's like the barrel yeah the ship and fan just goes out like family issues and i already skipped like one thing before that because the one guy was like look look at this it's like nobody knows what that is shut the fuck up like come on give me something give me something so i just sat on family matters and i was like i can't and they're like yeah yeah you can they started clapping i was like fuck it and then i went into this crazy thing about my brother

where I wanted to cut his fucking head off in front of my mom. And they're like, I forgot I said that. I thought I was just having fun. But then I looked back at it and I was like, whoa! This is what you're supposed to answer when I'm like, did I say anything fucked up? To be fair to Jeremiah, that's not about the blacks or the Jews. Yeah, true.

That's true. To him, that was within the fairway it's just a violent threat to my brother who i doxed on the fucking show told him what city he lives in well dude i was fucked up the sixers were losing sixers lost game five that night do you know the whole story i think i said it too many times on here first time i did first time i didn't stand up on the spot, the Eagles were in the playoffs. I thought it was the Phillies. Oh, the Phillies.

I'm sorry. Phillies were in the playoffs, and it was game five or six. We were just about to get fucking hosed out. I think it was game one. Yeah, because we watched the first game, and they lost that game, too. They won game two. Jeremiah was on the couch for game two was game one. Yeah, because we watched the first game, and they lost that game, too. They won game two. Jeremiah was on the couch for game two and game three. Or three and four.

One of those, right? And you didn't know you had to do it, and the game was the same time as the show. Yeah. So I looked at him. You were pissed. I looked at him, and I was like, I looked at the schedule. As we're watching the Phillies lose, he's next to me on the couch in Queens. And I go, do you understand what this means, like, for tomorrow?

Because it's a 7 o'clock game, and I got to go film this in L.A. Time shifts, because it's going to be the end of the game. This might be very bad for us. No, no, it was in New York. It might be very bad for us. Anyway, no, it was in New York. Might be very bad for us. Anyway, they lost as I'm getting on stage. I didn't listen to the rules of the show. Sean, it's summer.

Yes, sir. It's summer and the hot heat here in Austin, Texas. What do you do in the hot heat of Austin, Texas? Stay inside. No, you sweat your dick off going out there and trying to make a buck. Trying to keep your dog alive. How dare you, dude? Trying to put sushi in your wife's mouth.

You're trying to make ends meet. You got to get out there and stink up the fucking place. It's official. School's out. Sun's out. It's summer. It's not officially summer yet, but you can talk about how quickly it's approaching if you want.

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That's S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O.com. Code StuffIsland. Mando. So I go on stage with him. I think we're just going to start riffing. He goes, Tommy Pope. He walks off, and I was like, do I do time? So I just think, like, maybe I do, like, five, ten minutes. Then he comes back out, and Pope. He walks off. And I was like, do I do time? So I just think like maybe I do like five, ten minutes.

Then he comes back out. And then we do the thing. So the whole time I could see him like huffing and puffing. You could see him going back and forth. Just pissed off, dude. I was just doing bits. The one rule is like don't do any bits. You just did your ass.

I just did fucking ten minutes. And were people like yelling shit and were like shut up the tape does exist and i did dude that's so funny you not knowing the premise of the show you people are animals shut the fuck up bunch of fucking sloppy drunks shut up so. So the one at the comedy store, the Sixers had just gotten bounced out of the playoffs. Yeah, you had bad luck with it. Dude, yeah, but I calmed down. But I carried it over to other subjects,

one being the brother. So, like, I sat in the pocket. I got my job done, but I was still fucking upset, still angry, but I didn't let it ruin the show. Dude, I'm sorry sorry the fans have already seen or heard this before but jeremiah came on stage on the first fail and goes what are you doing he literally talks to me like that what are you doing and i was like well i i didn't know i didn't know how it was gonna work he's like yelling at me in front of the fans on camera and he's like i

told you no bitch Just fucking ask questions. I was like, I thought that's what we were supposed to do when you come back up. Well, I don't fucking know. Well, let's ask questions then. So now I'm angry, too. And then like two questions came up, and I was like, yeah, I don't give a shit. And Jeremiah's like, all right, guys, that's enough. Tally-pop, everybody.

And then we go. Jeremiah's like, you're supposed to rip. You're like, Castellanos, now he's slumping. He's like, freak's enough. Tally-pop, everybody. And then we go. Jeremiah's like, you're supposed to rip. You're like, Castellanos, now he's slumping. Harp for three strikeouts? Yeah, perfect timing, harp. No, and then he was like fucking pissed. I worried. I texted him when I got home.

I was like, man, I've never seen him turn. You've never seen Jeremiah upset like that. The guy was like, when guys are that nice, they're scary when they get mad. It's my dad. seen jeremiah upset like that the guy was like when guys are that nice they're scary when they get mad it's my dad yeah was he like that yes i've never seen you mad me yeah gizmo gizmo gets fucking look he rubs his belly and plays with his mustache when he wants to murder somebody but like i've never seen you upset at all... Yeah, I guess I get pretty... I don't get mad. I just sulk, by the way. Dude, I like the name Gizmo for you

because Gizmo does have red hair too, which is kind of sad. I think I keep the anger to the household because I do have... I have fits of rage, but I think I keep it in the house. I think I don't bring it out

to the outside world. You know, I just found out your girl's not Latina. She is. Yeah, she is. Yeah, she is. Wait. She's Filipino and Mexican. Yeah, Filipino. And Mexican. not your girl's not latina she is yes she is yes she is wait she's filipino and mexican yeah filipino and mexican mexican i thought she was like south american

no real latina no no mexican filipino is not latina well filipino is asian that's like putting black pepper on it when we're looking for cayenne no mexicans the mexicans latina is it i'm with luke on this one i thought they're just called Mexican. That's like saying Chinese is an Asian. Now we're talking. If anything Filipino, you could say is not Asian. But Mexican is Latina. Mexicans Latina.

So anything that speaks Spanish is Latina. Yeah. Anyone. Yeah. Person. But the whole mix, she just looks Puerto Rican. Yeah, she does. She's not thrown together at all. She looks like a just looks Puerto Rican yeah she does thrown together

at all she looks like a New York Puerto Rican so do you you both do yeah isn't that crazy

yeah we do look like a nice Puerto Rican couple from Washington Heights yeah we look like we met at the

183rd A train station yeah you've been dating since you were about 14 years old you two would be the last question like the million dollar

question for like guess their race on like a 23 and me game show yeah very racially because it would be impossible the fact that you're not in a shitload of commercials right now is crazy you could do anything yeah i can i could shape shift yeah a light-skinned black girl with freckles an indian kid in the back and you in the front seat the affable dad we can talk about the show we did the other day

University of Phoenix commercial yeah any pamphlet any college pamphlet for sure 18-team baby get that

who that reminds me of the black rabbit when me when I went up and sat by oh my god I have like

three videos of you guys I didn't post them out of respect because dude let's talk let's talk about one of the worst bombs i didn't know it wasn't that bad i thought it was so bad no it wasn't that bad it was hilarious you did good i had an idea until who did i find i found a girl comic

and she started talking to them and i was like fuck bianca bianca because i i no one was really talking to them and i was like they want to just be talked to because there were 10 people there yeah i've never been in that room where it wasn't sold out yeah it was a freak occurrence they were in the second row nobody sat him in the front row they told him to sit in the second row so i was like this will be funny i asked you first i was like yo can i bring i think i should bring gardini up sit him on a fucking stool and then barking him to laugh when i say something yeah and gardini's like, I'll do it. You know me. So I walk him up like a dog, and I'm like, sit there.

And when I tell you, speaking of, the same thing, right? It was every race. I guessed every race. I think I missed one. That's what reminded me. Out of 10 people, I guessed every race. I was like half black, half white. Look at this haircut and shirt.

What, do you play piano? He was like, yeah. That was great. Yeah, you called out the black nerd for being a piano player. You nailed it. I was like, Asian, Puerto Rican, black,

white, only one white guy, seven engineers in a pack, three Indians, not one sense of humor. No, they didn't want to answer it. I thought it was going to be like the barrel where you just pull,

say something interesting and we'll have fun. Yeah. No. And then Sean's up there just something interesting and we'll have fun. Yeah, no. And then Sean's up there just quiet the whole time just going. Yeah. Sometimes you'd be like, laugh. Stop laughing. It was a family fun.

When you first got up there, you came out with that crazy energy to look into your eyes. The one girl goes, oh no. She goes, I'm scared. I'm scared. And you're like, why? Why are you scared? Why? Because of what?

I had fun. Is it glaring at her? Well, they're kids that have just never experienced it. They're kids that are like, they're in a book or they're in class. And I don't want to, you know, I love the Asians. I don't want to piss off the master race, but they're not the best comedy audience. No, they suck. Asians are tough.

They're tough not to crack. They suck. They're not the most humorous folks. Well, they they're not the best comedy audience. No, they suck. Asians are tough. They're tough not to crack. They suck. They're not the most humorous folks. Well, they're tough not to crack in general. You can't get inside their squad. They're very incestuous. They protect their women. And they're locked into what they're doing.

Yeah. Their eye's on the prize. They don't really have time for fun and games and smile. Smile and nod. Yeah, they don't have time to be jovial. Indie, what's because their parents will just kick them out and they'll starve to death? Yeah. The parents, if you come home with a regular person,

their parents will just decapitate you or kick you out of the house. Indians are fun. Indians are fun, but again, it's tough. That's another nut to crack. You can't get inside that squad because the guys are elbow to elbow. The uncles and dads are elbow to elbow.

You can't hook up with an Indian girl. Yeah, sometimes you get lucky with a pack of Indian wiggers. Let me tell you something, baby. You just put an apostrophe on so many things. You throw a wig in the mix. Dude. They're fair game. They're not fucking racist.

Yeah, Indian wiggers act like white frat bros. They're great audience members. I call them Miami Heat fans. That's what I call Indian guys that want to be black. I don't know why. I just remember going to a school with a bunch of them, and they were all just obsessed with LeBron James, had the Miami Heat jersey, a line in the haircut, shape up.

Yeah. Well, they just have to appropriate a culture because they're so lost. They love Drake. Everyone wants to fit in. Yeah, they love Drake. They love Yeezys. Yeah. Well, Drake's like the training wheels to real hip-hop culture.

This is all entry-level stuff. Yeah. Kanye Shoes, LeBron James, Drake. If you want to get into anything black, these are the entry points. If you're not a black person, if you want to get into sneakers, rap, and basketball, that's step one. In the 80s and 90s you're like gang star and fucking odb and all these crazy that's like true old school hip-hop and now you got like housewives in delaware county wearing like fucking wu-tang t-shirts at target yeah take

that off it's fat pig you didn't listen you didn't listen to wu-tang you got flip-flops on you got fucking swollen ankles you got three bags of rolos in your push cart i don't know why you started doing it but i was giving you right over the other night he started doing an invitation of a a delco because it was after the show where you guys were on stage together you were like i felt like i was at a vfw and delco and i started were like, yeah, we're having a party. Come over this weekend. No dogs, no kids. You know, we're going to get fucked up in the garage.

I wasn't responding. He started going, got a new dartboard. Yeah, switching from plastic to fetter. It's what the Europeans use. That's just my house. Yeah. That's how I get down. Yeah, I bet, dude.

He's nasty at darts. I bet. I'm pretty fucking sick at darts, dude. The garage is really hot, though. For not playing, I am fucking dirty at darts. I'm average at best. Why don't we do a... Do any comics do any sports leagues here? They play basketball sometimes.

No. I'm no fucking good at basketball. Me either. Yeah, basketball's tough, because I'm always worried I'm going to ruin the game. It's also not as fun because half the team has to suck. Only some people actually played before.

So it's like, let's play darts or bowling or fucking... You know what I mean? Something you could just fuck around. Even if it's softball. Luke won't stop talking about bowling ever since he stopped drinking. Westgate Lanes. Oh, look at that.

There's a bowling alley. Not called that around here. We just bought it. Yeah, three fucking counties over. No, that place, have you gone in yet? No. I was telling somebody,

I don't know if I told you or Chris, I was like, I want to write it short. I want to write something around that exact location. It's got got a bar a tiny little bar like in one of the rooms it has like a arcade it's got a pro shop and it's like 30 lanes dude the place is fucking huge and it's so perfectly nostalgic like yeah it stopped moving in like 88 to 92 the smells you could smell like the toothless fucking spit on the carpet you know what i mean it's just like it's kitty spit

an old beer just stained in the walls it's fucking gorgeous in buffalo that's where we watch bill's games if we're not going to the game if it's in a way game we'll go to the bowling alley lucent event center shout out to the lec uh dude there's a bar 350 for a double vodka soda it's crazy double mixed drinks 350 yeah that's a good place vfw prices can you mute that for me who's texting that's izzy i have a i have a text for for all my boys oh yeah yeah i forgot their own ring your own ringtone. That's my father. That's Mr. Papa. That's awesome. They always think he's the Iron Cheek.

He does look like the Iron Cheek. Well, that's him when he was like, that's his best looking ever there. He had that big push broom mustache. He's wearing pantyhose on his head. It was a party. He was all fucked up on High Life. Put on so many sunglasses,

somebody's pantyhose. My pop was the fucking man. Now Life. Put on so many sunglasses. Somebody's pantyhose. My pop was the fucking man. Now he just curses at the floor. That's how we'll all end up someday. 100%. I mean, we're already halfway there. Yeah, pretty close. I was a pop pop at like fucking 28.

Yeah, I've been there for a little while. I make it to 70, you give me a fucking beach chair, sitting on a lawn just yelling at strangers. John's losing his mind. You guys know about John, the neighbor, right? He's got dementia. Oh, shit. I thought at first he was just like awkward,

but dude, he says three things every time I fucking see him. What's he say? If I'm cutting the lawn, he goes, do you mind just coming over here and cutting all this grass? Or I'll just probably just get some goats. Better yet, politicians. There's always a politician joke. Always a politician joke.

And if it's hot, he goes, I wish there was a dimmer on this thing. I'll squint. I'll squint at the sun. This guy rules. And then when I start fucking fidgeting, because I'm getting anxious, because I already know everything he's going to say. And then he tells me about recycling.

He's a stickler about recycling. He goes, well, if you know, that doesn't really, you should put it in the compost. And I'm like, John, I'm not fucking putting compost out. I'm not composting. You're going to get a whole new bin. Yeah. I'm not growing zucchini like a i'm not fucking putting compost out i'm not composting i'm not fucking a whole new bit yeah i'm not growing zucchini like a dyke in fucking portland i don't need compost everything goes in one fucking bin all right get off my ass and then he has like three or four

more things and then i have to like i have to leave and like just walk away while he's still babbling yeah yeah you should try every other with him. He says his first thing. You already know the second catchphrase. Well, I guess. Now I go, let me guess. A politician's going to chew the grass up. Why is the bat?

I don't get why the politician. He hates politicians. Yeah, but why are they chewing the grass? I don't know. I wish there was a dimmer on this thing. Oh, no. No, it's not the politician. I'm sorry.

The goats. The goats. He goes, instead of cutting the lawn, the goats can, the goats will eat it up and they'll fertilize it at the same time. He's talking about shit. Bring it back up. No, the politicians go in the trash cans. So when he tells me how to separate the recycling and the trash, I'll go, oh, I got a better idea.

Put the politicians in there instead of the trash. I hope he listens to the podcast. Every fucking day, dude. Every day. So now we just peek out the fucking blinds like, is he there? Let's go. And we run to the fucking trunk. I want John to turn dark.

Slam the door. This guy, recycling, you know, your cans and bottles and the trash are the Negroes. He takes a hardship. Yeah. I mean, politicians. I'm thinking Malaysians. Yeah. The compost is for the Asians.

It's smaller of a bucket. Shout out, John. Now that, that wouldn't tire for me. Yeah. I've seen an old fucking war vet. Racist as hell. I used to have a... There was a creepy old guy who lived in our building in New York

and he would just tell pussy jokes in the elevator on the way down. Autumn thought he was creepy. I thought it was great. I loved him. She's always like, that guy's creepy. I'm like, yeah, that's why he's funny. It'd be nine in the morning. He's like in his cycling outfit.

He's got his like Lance Armstrong fit on. Oh, no. Does he wear the fucking shoes, the click and clack? Yeah, and he's like fat. Of course he's fat. He was wearing like a double XL Floyd Landis outfit.

He's ready to go cycling. And he'd be like, you know why women's pussies get drunk? It's like 9.30 in the morning. Autumn's like, he's kind of weird. I'm like, no, he's awesome. He says this in front of Autumn and you? Oh, right.

Doesn't care. Well, it's the answer for the pussy drag. I don't even remember his jokes. Oh, my God. I wish I remembered them. He would hit us with a different one every day. He had a whole fucking, yeah, he had a Rolodex. Isn't your old New York apartment?

Yeah. That place was nice as hell. Yeah, but there's old people that have lived there since it was, I think they just bought the condos dirt cheap and they won't leave. Oh. There was an angry lady on the third floor. I loved her. She was like my spirit animal.

Yeah. She just hated everything. She lived in the middle of Manhattan, probably got this place dirt cheap. You'd think she'd be happy and she's like,

it's fucking cold outside but I can't turn the, but as soon as they turn the heat on, then it's too hot in my apartment so I gotta open the windows when it's 25 degrees out.

How fucking nice is that? I'm like, I feel you lady, this place sucks. This place sucks. I'm like, I feel you, lady. This place sucks. This place sucks. I'm like, I feel you, lady. You know what makes a woman's pussy dry? This place when the radiator's too hot.

Yeah. Cardini, run out of batteries, baby. Yeah, I'm sorry. No, no, no. I'm sorry. I've had, no. I'm sorry. I've had a couple bad showing. The last one was even worse. We didn't like Chris.

Chris would be like, so what about the debates? And I'd be like, I don't fucking care. I felt so bad, but I don't have anything to say. I literally don't think about anything. You're the only person I've seen take that approach to podcasting. Everybody else, they try to yes and. Garnini does not do improv.

When Garnini's not feeling improv, he goes, I don't really feel like talking today. Right to the microphone. Sometimes you don't. I hope people can appreciate that. I don't know. I'm sure you feel that way sometimes. When Chris stared at their shoes, I'm like, and I'm talking. Yeah, Link's trying to talk about Garnivet. appreciate that i don't know i'm sure you feel that way sometimes dude when chris and i did like two or three in a row like just him and i and this is when he was like going through it and so i'd walk into the apartment he's still like

unraveling cords and doesn't even say hello And I'm like what's up buddy What's going on say hi or something You know cause we gotta talk for two fucking hours And be happy So I was like alright we need guests I need somebody just to bop something off of You know Somebody that shows a little light in their fucking eyes

So I don't feel like I'm dying So I bring in i bring in this kid that can wilt a flower walking past it he's your ringer gizmo coming in with the fire here you guys needed somebody with a bubbly personality trust me if you told me over the phone like yo i just did three hours with Beezer, I'd be like, all right, podcast is all, dude. No, I don't mind.

I mean, sorry, I'm not being so helpful. No, you're kidding. No, no, no. We're having fun, dude. Something will hit me eventually. I think we're having fun. I think we're going today.

We are having fun. We're doing it. We're getting there, too. We're doing it. We're having a good time. It's always a good time with my friends. It's great that we're the

Southeast, dude. Yeah. We're Southeast, baby. Yep It's always a good time with my friends. It's great that we're the Southies, dude. Yeah, Southies, baby. Yep, and Nate, too. Yeah, Nate's down here. Nate, this is crew. Yeah. Kristoff, that's why you guys are our boys. Kristoff is farther, though, right?

Well, I don't know why. Yeah, it's not that bad. I don't know why we constantly talk about our location. Exactly where we live. Is Nate's dog a boy? Yes. Yeah, I want his butter. Bring his big old fat dick

over to meet my dog big old fat bring your dog and his fat dick bring your dog and his fat cock over to Thomas I still haven't

tried that yet about the pole vaulter big dog dick? no no but you see the pole vaulter who got his dick stuck on my face oh my god huge hog I know but imagine just him being sad about it I feel like that's about the pole vaulter big dog dick no no you see the pole vaulter who got his dick stuck on my thing

oh my god huge hog I know but imagine just him being sad about it I feel like that's really funny just being like

oh my big penis ruined all my hopes again my big penis is always crushing my jerseys was that an Olympics joke

yeah oh it's hilarious the Olympics ended why didn't he he should have put it like underneath like towards his asshole. He should have transitioned. Like the boxer lady.

Wear a jockstrap. You gotta tuck that fucking wing in. That would be the first male defeat. People would be cool with that. Yeah, chopping off your wieners. Just chopping off his cock for aerodynamics. Kind of physics of pole vaulting. Pole vaulting is sick as hell.

You could bend it down by your asshole and make it a fin, flatten it out this way. Like a surfboard. You think so? The underside of a surfboard. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Aerodynamics.

Yeah, we can talk about it. I love when you get into Wob science It's the only science I know Tuck it between your cheeks You just say something and if you don't get a response Visually you start to lean in And you dig in and you say it louder In a different way

And if they start going Then you got them Then I go Oh another thing. That's so true. That's what my mother's done her entire life. She says something declarative. It could make no sense.

If the crowd isn't feeling it, she screams it. She screams it. Go louder. And then if you show my dad in fucking writing, in encyclopedia, he'll go, ah, shit. That's so old, you wouldn't even fucking understand. No, my mom will go, I got shits younger than you. Why would you be telling me this?

My mom will go, it's fucking hot out today. And everyone's like, it's 65. No, it's fucking hot out today. Then everyone's like, all right, I guess it's fucking hot. Yeah, fine. Yeah, I was just doing that with my girl. It's like, I don't need, I just. She's, hey, fine. Yeah, I was just doing that with my girl. It's like, I don't need, I just. She's, hey babe.

Yeah. This is clear. So it gets to the point where you're just fucking, everything's an argument. Sure. After a while, you know, so it's like there's opinions. I know. I can't say, like, I'll be like, do you like these shoes? She goes, I hate those sneakers.

I always tell you I hate those sneakers. And I go, all right, I'll get rid of the fucking sneaks. That's just like that. And I put them in a fucking box, hand them to a friend, or put them on a curb. That's it. That's it. Yeah. Same thing with a shirt.

What about this shirt? I never liked that shirt. All right, I won't wear this shirt ever again. Or I'll save it for just like a pool trip or something so I can shit on it. You know what I mean? Get a cigarette burning. I wouldn't give a fuck. God forbid she walks out in her seventh fucking outfit.

Like, do you like this shirt? And I'm like, not my favorite. Fucking waterworks. Yeah. Oh, hell breaks loose, dude. She had a meeting with her potential new boss. And her potential new boss gave us flowers after meeting us. And I was like, she's so sweet.

She's very thoughtful. And we were running late. I was going to drop her off and then go in the city. And she's like, I only have this birthday card. Do you think that's bad? I'm like, oh, it's not great. And then fucking we fought like tooth and nail the whole way picking up her friend. Just screaming. I go, you know know what i'm done with fucking opinions i'm done with saying anything i don't really care

yeah whatever you want to do whatever makes you happy i agree i support you well i've all i've come all the way around with that where i started going because i went through the same thing i started going it's great sure it's great yeah cards great yeah well nothing better than a birthday card just saying that forced pause forced affirmations yeah just through the fucking through my gritty teeth love the birthday card right and then she goes i feel like you don't you're just saying you do right and i'm like you're trying to drag me down back and the devil's trying to get his fucking clothes on. Unhand me. Unhand me, demon. I feel like their heartbeat just starts going. And their mind's like, start a fucking fight.

Or our body's going to die. You have to go pick a fucking fight. A useless argument about nothing. Find him in his peaceful fucking area. Interrupt his show. And just say something outlandish. You get this heart pumping again. And then we just fight for 30 minutes 45 minutes and i just walk around like a lion pace and just going what the fuck was that why why did that just experiencing tranquility right now i gotta

go ruin it nobody's ruining his peace yeah i gotta go destroy yeah his he's so content and calm. I got to. You're probably just walking like a Tasmanian devil and then just leaving. Everything in your head and your heart is just disheveled. Like a tornado came through. I'll, I'll be, I'll have headphones on. I'm listening to music and I'm like writing in a fucking notebook.

Like an old, like a, like a, you know, happy old fucking sailor, whatever, you know, like an old guy at a bar in new England.

I'm just excited. And I'm like, you know, I'm feeling kind of calm. She'll come over and she wants to show me a TikTok. She'll just put the phone in front of the notebook. There it is. There's the TikTok.

Now you're watching Chrissy Teigen. There you go. You thought you were writing? Chrissy Teigen. There you go. Now it's Teigen time. It's Teigen time. Whether you like it or not, it's Teigen time.

Just bulldozes. It's Tegan time. Whether you like it or not, it's Tegan time. Just bulldozes. Bulldozes my piece. Of all people. Chrissy Teigen. It's some fucking any retard. Is that that fat ass Asian black looking girl? Yeah, you nailed it. Yeah.

She's married to who? John Legend. Both of them. Oh, she's an alien now. She's got the fucking weird cheekbones. Both of them look like they could be brother and sister now. Yeah, it sucks. alien now. She's got the fucking weird cheekbones. Both of them look like they could be brother and sister now. Yeah, it sucks. He sucks.

She's an abomination. She's brutal. The best thing she did was she told some lady to go kill herself on Twitter in 2011. Of course, and it got deleted. She deleted. Yeah. Everybody was horrified. I'm like, she's a person.

Yeah, and what she's done since. Are you a Chrissy T fan? Are you out of your mind? No. Oh, I don't know. Was she mocking her? No, she just shows me TikToks of these random people. Why is Chrissy Teigen on fucking TikTok?

I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. This is all these videos. It's a lot of like... Are you still on TikTok? Like on it? What do you mean?

I post podcast clips. Oh, okay. You're not doing like tiktok stuff no did you ever do tiktok dancing no no what are you crazy that's what i think you're doing your headphones you're writing down dance moves dude i've never never seen it i mean i think I've seen A TikTok Like if you Like Someone sent Someone sent you TikTok It's like I'm not gonna Go on TikTok What if I like it

Yeah you can watch it In the When they send it to you You can just watch them If someone sends you real You don't need a TikTok account Right No

Yeah You need an Instagram Instagram's better Instagram owns TikTok No Pop pop settle down We'll get you another Go water and we can do the Patreon. I don't want to get you all worked up.

Pop Pop, let us explain this to you. All right. Continue. I'm sorry. Instagram and TikTok, they're two different things. You know, like the Jets and the Eagles. Yeah. They're different teams.

They're different teams. They're playing the same sport. I thought TikTok was owned by the Knicks. It is. It is, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they own it. Instagram is Zuckerberg.

Yeah. Instagram is Jews on Instagram. Jews, Asians. Jews got everything besides TikTok. That's why they're trying to ban it. Jews and the Asians are always battling for supremacy. Yeah, they are. Those are our best and brightest.

They're always going toe-to-toe. Who's going to get world domination? Yeah. That's why the wops just rule by the sword and they just hide in the shadows, enjoy themselves, get fucked up, and smoke their lungs to death. Yeah, 100%. That's the way to go.

Stay in the fucking shadows. Chain smoke, make a bourgeois. Stop caring about anything. Kick your feet out. Don't vote. It's not going to matter. Right? Aperol Spritz. Never vote. Beat your wife. Yeah caring about anything. Kick your feet out. Don't vote. It's not going to matter. Right? Aperol Spritz.

Never vote. Beat your wife. Yeah. Enjoy. Fish out of a pond. It's already stopped for you. Don't vote. Yeah.

Fish out of a pond. Don't vote. Chill out. Drink until you want to murder a friend. Drink. Drink. It's sad. Yeah.

Smoke 20 cigarettes. You do smoke a lot of cigarettes. I know. Too many. Are you cutting down? I go through little phases phases but not anytime soon a doctor tried to tell me i had to stop and i got so mad at him and i left him a bad review this guy clearly doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about i'll show him he's trying to get me on chantix and i was like i'm not ready

to quit yet i don't want to try to quit and he's like well we need to get you on chantix oh my god he's trying to get me on chantix like a divorcee yeah yeah he's trying to get me on chantix in the patch and i was like dude i'm not doing that shit that's the fucking ray leota commercial yeah it's like a drug that gives you psychotic breaks as a side effect. Yeah. Did you tell him how much you were smoking? I told him, yeah, I was like pretty much a pack a day, and he was like, you got to stop now. And I was like, my old doctor, Carl Chen, told me I didn't have to stop. My old doctor, Carl Chen, told me I could do it in moderation,

and it was fine. He's like, well, my name is Ari Goldstein, and over here we do things a bit different. It's another Jew versus Asian battle. I'm actually on the executive board of Chantix. I'll get you a free supply. Yeah, exactly. First month free, Sean.

You're not getting me on the sick care, brother. Nice try. You guys got anything to plug? Please just come to the shows. I'm begging you. It's August 14 in San Diego, I think. It's this Wednesday. please just come to the shows I'm begging you it's it's August 14 in San Diego I think it's this Wednesday

yeah August 14 in San Diego August 16 and 17 in Tacoma and August 18 in Spokane please for the love of God come let's go roughweekpodcast listen to it watch it on YouTube.

Whatever you want to do. If you want to see me, I mean, October 4th, San Antonio, Station Comedy Club. Let's go. Come see me, baby.

Good for you. Thank you for saving Chris's job. He decided to just leave for 10 days and tell me a day before. We should cut the mics. I love you.

Thanks for watching. Love you, Chris. Thank you, Tom. Hit up the Patreon. We love you. Thanks for watching. Love you, Chris. Thank you, Tom. Hit up the Patreon. We got two new series coming out. We're going to do Tacoma. Tacoma drives. We are.

With the dash cam. We're going to put the GoPros on the Tacoma. Chris and I are going to answer some questions from the fans. That's great. God, that's so funny. Yeah, that's awesome. That's a good idea. Go for a ride for lunch.

Nice. Answer some questions on the way back. Answer some questions. Let's back. Answer some questions. Let's go. And then there's another series coming out. I don't want to tell you about it. Top secret. All right, love you, bye.

Love you, love you.