Stuff Island - Ryan Donahue - Stuff Island #244
Episode Date: July 24, 2026Ryan Donahue joins the boys in New York at Gas Digital studios Comedians Chris and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the su...n. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. Check out our second channel @LookatDish where Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor cook elaborate meals with your favorite comedians SUB TO THE PATREON: PATREON.COM/STUFFISLAND Head to https://www.squarespace.com/STUFFISLAND to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code STUFFISLAND. #ad Get 30% off sitewide with code STUFF at https://brooklynbedding.com Your new wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code stuff at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/stuff #chubbiespod Head to https://www.squarespace.com/STUFFISLAND to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code STUFFISLAND. #ad Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope #comedy #comedypodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Start the clock.
They get a clock.
Yeah, they got a...
How nice is that?
Damn, we got to get a clock.
I know.
We got to get a TV
and put the clock on.
Oh, this is beautiful.
It is pretty nice.
Thank you, Lewis,
for hosting us a guest,
did you?
Yeah.
In New York City
for a special edition
of Stuff Island.
Come on.
Let me get it out.
An extra special edition.
Yeah.
It is extra special.
Yeah.
We're coming off the heels
of fucking Shane
doing the link.
Right. You know? Oh, I heard about that.
Yeah.
It's been in the news.
It's been in the news.
It's been on the wires.
Holy Christmas.
How are you doing?
I'm doing good, man.
What's new?
How's New York treating you?
Yeah, so let's talk about you.
Why? I wanted to, I mean, do you bring up the link?
You're right.
I didn't bring me up.
No, no, no. No, Shane got enough. I didn't bring me up.
I didn't bring me up.
What did you do?
What did I do?
What did I do?
What did you do this?
What did you do?
When did you guys were at the link?
I got what did I do?
I think I had a nice meal, probably watched a full metal jacket.
Yeah.
You know?
Just a rewatch?
Yeah, rewatch.
Do you know that's my go-to on the plane?
Is it really?
Yeah.
That'll set the vibe.
I watched full metal jacket on the plane.
It's always on the plane.
It's always on the fucking, it's always on the screen.
No way.
Full metal jacket is always on the screen for movies.
That's ridiculous.
I know.
There's no way.
I think they're, dude.
There's one, that's, no one's going to talk to you.
It's a trope.
They're fucking ones.
they're fucking with you yeah no I'm saying by putting the public
going it's all like you know gay and trans
movies and shit right and then it's just one
family metal jacket the grandpa section
there's a good amount of like dad porn on there
they do a lot of those adult drama
do you have Vietnam films
something I can relax to war crimes
it is nice to see a war movie that's not like appealing to like
suburban dads trying to be proud of themselves.
Like it's an horrifying movie, which
more war movies should be.
That is the phone. I like a good, like,
pump-up war movie, though.
I think we need to, like, bring a lot of that.
I guess maybe there are some going around, but it's always
like an independent guy working for the CIA.
I'm talking about, like, a
pro-war. But that's not, that's never real.
You want a war movie to make you question
everything. No, I want
I want a real, like, pro-
war movie. Like top
Grun Maverick was close.
You know what I mean? I want like... Top Grown.
I like that. Yeah. It's the first time
we had a pro-war movie in a long time.
You know? I want to
I want to get... Yeah, I want people getting fired up
joining the military.
Right as you're too old for the draft.
Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now that I...
I want people getting jacked up.
That would be sick if there was like an old draft.
Yeah, like... They were going to... They were like,
this is it, dude. There's no like...
Calling all 40 to 65 year olds.
Yeah, this is truly a world war.
Everybody's going.
I wouldn't know.
Everybody's going.
Wouldn't it be nice, you know, getting pants like this, boots like this,
shooting your wife in the fucking head?
I don't think that's right.
Before you leave.
Telling you you love her?
Because I don't want her getting fucking abused.
Or, yeah.
And bailouts for your own good.
Yeah.
It's just, I'm going to save your life right now.
The kids are fine.
They're already drowned.
in the pool because I killed
them and then I kill her
and then I go out the fucking war with my boys
so you watch Full Metal Jacket on every
four
it's not it's not actually on
the streaming so he's just watching it in his
head
staring at the back of the seat
yeah I love
I love this part yeah
I love this film
dude the hotel I stayed in
for Shane show
was uh where was
that live casino uh the lincoln financial field
holy shit yeah 80 000 the boy did that's crazy it's very emotional it's very wonderful
it's incredible fucking night dude you know what i think about it's it had to be a real
bummer for like guys that were like pussy hounds during the war that were not serving yeah
you know like the guys that that that were like when all the real men were at war yeah no
i think that's the ideal time to be no no no no no because dad comes home
home.
You know what I mean?
We're talking, the year is 1945.
And you've been
lethario, yeah, yeah.
And the real men come back.
Yeah.
It's like a quarterback getting suspended for a week in high school.
And all the dorks are like, we can get pussy now.
And you're like, eh, eh, he's coming back.
Yeah, yeah.
He's going to come back and get that puss.
Do you think that the women wouldn't talk, though?
They never gossip.
That's why I shoot.
Yeah, dude.
You gotta kill your family first before going to war.
Dude, I mean, that's an inspirational war movie,
the one about the guy who fucks everybody's wife
while the real men are gone.
Yeah, yeah.
And then they come back,
and now he's got to, you know.
A tone.
He's got to, he straps up like,
yes, exactly.
He takes out the chest like Mel Gibson and the Patriot,
and it's all just like fucking sex toys.
He like moved that shit out of the way.
Pictures of everybody's wife.
He's like burning them.
I romanticize the period
I always think that it must have been hard
for those guys to get laid
whenever one was at war
Like every chick must have been like
I think it's the complete opposite
I think it's the complete opposite
They're all piglets dude
But come on man
It's literally
Support women dude
No have a little faith
Right now they're
They are younger guys that know enough
Because of social media
To not enlist
Because they know
That their love of their life
is going to
fuck around.
Yeah, you know those guys,
or you're just kind of...
Who are you talking about?
Is that a real thing?
Yeah.
So funny.
Just had a job interview.
I was thinking about joining the military,
but I didn't want my lady
to get run through.
100%.
That would be a factor.
So what are we looking at here, huh?
You're not good at sports.
You're really not smart.
You're going to join the military.
But you have a really nice lady, right?
you got a nice wife
You want to create a home
A family
If you go away
For four years
To fight a war
That you don't give a fuck about
She has to get knocked around
At some point
She's going to knock on a door
That you shouldn't
That door's going to knock on her door
Or someone's going to knock on her door
Going dad's not home
I'm going to deliver some mail
directly into your slot.
Yeah.
And there's going to be a baby at the race.
Mm-mm.
Is that, like, a legitimate cause of PTSD, you think?
What?
Your lady fucking dudes while you're...
It will help you kill, I feel like 100%.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Maybe that's part of the motivation.
Yeah.
But they have to do it early before you get deployed.
What do you mean?
You'd have to get a video of your wife fucking your neighbor.
No, I think that...
And then you get fucking maniacal.
Mm-hmm.
And that becomes, you're the sniper dude.
You are the guy.
You're the Rambo.
Right.
But you'd have to watch a video of your wife getting fucking destroyed.
Headboard.
Deplete it.
A level of violence you've never even imagined.
Just a friend trying to talk you down.
Look, man, she wasn't that great.
It's not that bad.
You kidding me?
Yeah.
The headboard's been depleted.
You see what's happening?
This is pure oak.
This is the strongest one on Earth.
Don't be upset, man.
Look, I know it's hard.
Her forehead split just like the oak.
She's like, you're at war.
I figured I should sustain injury as well.
It's solidarity.
Don't you understand?
Why are you always like this?
My pussy's Vietnam.
Why did you film it?
Damn.
I honestly, the AC unit, I want to talk about this.
The AC unit in the hotel I stayed at, so when it starts up, this is like every two, three minutes, it goes,
ah.
That's when it kicks in, right?
On the back end, it goes, uh, shutting down?
No, it's just, it's just moving.
Okay.
But it sounds like a World War II bomber.
Right.
Just, uh, uh, uh, and I, the whole, my whole bit, the whole bit, the whole, the whole,
whole weekend, which...
And you've seen full metal jacket so many times.
It's traumatizing.
Let me tell you some.
Mara hated it, but I had a great time.
Because every three minutes would go,
eh,
and I would hang out the window and go,
I'd be on the gunner, dude.
She hated it.
You guys hate it.
That's a good bit.
Yeah.
You wanted to talk about that?
Yeah, I thought it was funny.
Look at my machine gun bit
Real quick
Can we change subjects?
Let me tell you something
If you heard
If you heard this
You'd be like
I like
I like when the AC is so cold
That it's like frosting the air
Like I like to see
Smoke almost
Did the sound affect your dreams at all?
What?
That's your follow-up
After disrespecting my fucking
Well the whole conversation sucks
I'm just saying
I think it's great
Yeah
Yeah
You know it's a good to say
you guys.
Pissing your wife off?
In a towel.
Yeah.
There we go.
I'm out the window.
That's funny.
You can't open a hotel window.
That's so funny.
No, I'm staring at the window.
Oh, oh.
Pretending I'm killing.
Jesus Christ.
I'm dealing what Mars doing.
Can we start over here?
Tom, the window's closed.
What time we're at?
Oh, 10, 12.
Yeah.
We're 10 minutes in.
We're cooking, dude.
I'm just happy to see you guys doing so well.
Did we blacked out last night?
The whole squad.
We got to tell you something.
We probably been on a run.
I got a video.
We have been on a run.
Absolute mess.
Yeah.
Shane's the pilot and the rest of us going.
I fell asleep.
I'm going to keep doing that.
I fell asleep on my knees.
I fell asleep on my knees.
Last night.
It was bad.
It's,
the last conversation I remember having was with Tommy.
Tommy was at a party getting bumped.
Yeah, I was, I don't know.
I feel like I did try to sleep at a different angle than that, but that was the one that worked best.
That was today, you woke up.
Yeah, yeah, that was today.
It's amazing that you're just normal.
Yeah.
You know, I, yeah, yeah, it wasn't so bad.
You guys all have the ability to recover, like, instantly.
Oh, well, what, okay, what do you do?
I am a total bitch the next day, yeah.
No, you're not.
Either that or you got a-
I spend fucking three weeks with you.
I know, I know.
You're the same fucking animal.
No, I'm not saying your animals.
I'm just saying, like, talking to you now, I wouldn't have noticed that you were like...
I would be visibly hung over at least.
I'm visibly hungover.
That's...
See, now that's the sign that we're really not doing good, is you can't tell the difference between a regular face and a hungover face.
Right.
It's also the sign of a bad and good drinker.
It's like you can't tell when you're totally blacked out, but you're still having a good time.
I was trying to compliment you guys.
I didn't mean to turn you...
No, it is a compliment.
It is a compliment.
But Tommy was upset last night because he was getting bumped by the I Show Speed guys.
Yeah, I got bumped at the Justin Bieber party.
Yeah.
And I was fired up.
What do you mean bumped?
Like, you know.
You know when someone's bumping in.
And so you, it was like you're not allowed in because they're in you?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
There's enough space.
They're not pumped.
Yeah.
And I got pumped.
Oh, they were doing this one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Interesting.
And then I started getting all worked up.
Yeah.
Well, Tom comes from a long line of bumpers.
He just comes from a fan.
family of bumpers.
Fourth generation
bumpers.
So this has a story of history.
Some in Italy, some in Ireland.
Mostly Ireland.
Yeah, yeah.
They do a lot of talking by bumpers.
You get checked and you're like, there's so much space.
You look around and go, what the fuck?
Yeah.
You got all this room.
You got all that room.
What are you doing?
Yeah.
It's sending a message.
Yeah.
It's like an Asian lady.
You're carrying fucking luggage.
Well, that was the big debate.
You can't bump around the whole fucking sidewalk.
Pick a fucking lane.
We were trying to.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You've been bumped before in a house
Sure
You know what I mean?
Yeah
Getting in and out of the kitchen
And there's plenty of room
Someone bumps you
It gives you a little shoulder check
Yeah
And you know it's sending a message
Yeah yeah yeah
So did you say anything
There's a lot of message yeah
What'd you say?
Eventually
Third bump
I went what the fuck
Yeah
You had to
Where was in Kevin Hart
And I was like
Dude we gotta get out of here
Shane's like what
What are you talking about?
I'm getting bumped here
I'm getting bumped
Yeah
Yeah
Yeah
Yeah
I'm just
And it's like you gave
No no no
You get that's grace
To not even like fucking
Because usually you give one
One bump
One bumps an accident
A typical typical scenario
It was one bumps an accident
And then you go I'm sorry
Yeah yeah
Yeah
Two bumps you can fight after two bumps
To let it get to three
Bro
I was very
Took in a massive amount of self-control
Like is this what's happening?
No no no no
No it's just chill
It's a back room
It's all hanging
moving past you and giving you a little giving you the business yeah and so you lot of space yeah and there's
not a high pressure situation no one's performing there's no emergency you're getting bumped yeah thank you
it's crazy this is the most support you've ever given me no no no look like i said i defended you last
night i know you look you come from a long line of bumpers you know the difference between an accidental
bump and an intentional bump you know yeah like you i feel like i i've hung out with you and your brother
and you guys
deploy a bump strategy.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
When you get chippy.
Yeah.
So what was their intention?
They just wanted you to know that they don't see you?
I just think they wanted attention.
They wanted anger.
They're belittling.
He's belittling someone.
Yeah.
That's shame right there.
I have a specific ringtone for all my friends.
Nice.
Yeah.
That's wild.
No, it's not.
It's a lot of effort.
It is, but I know exactly who's texting.
me. Right, so that you don't even have to look
at your phone to know. That's Shane.
Honestly, having noises
come out of your phone is a real
what your ringtone is. Is a real grandpa
kind of move? A lot?
Having like
having your phone not on silent.
It is an old person move. It's a grandpa.
My mom has like a 77 year old boyfriend
and his phone rings like
a... Click, click, cling, cling, cling.
Yeah.
Click, cling, cling, cling. And then he talks on speakerphone
no matter where the fuck he is
screaming into it, you know.
Yeah.
Doing closing business deals selling rocks.
Guy moves granite.
It's a very specific tone.
Mm-hmm.
No, I...
Oh, you're seeing what yours is.
We'll see when that goes through.
I don't really have a lot of service down here.
I saw a guy on the street today.
This is what I love about New York.
I saw a guy and heard a guy just screaming at someone on the phone.
Just being like, no.
And you fuck this up.
I got something in a mustache.
Yeah, a piece of coke?
Oh yeah, dude
Did you see that video?
No
Robbie Williams
He's doing like a fucking
A post game
Soccer interview
And a big nugget
falls out of his nostril
On to the microphone
It sits
It grabs it
He grabs it off
And then he goes like this
And it just gets stuck on his forehead
Yeah
He's just got a rock of cocaine
On his forehead
Perfect fucking rock
Yeah
Like $25 worth of Coke
The Rekler in his
fucking dome. He sat at there.
Jesus. I'm talking to Chris about it. He goes,
why do you do that? For like, save it
for later? I laugh
for 20 minutes.
I think he did.
I think he did.
Looking back. I think he did.
So funny. He probably pulled it off and
did a gummy afterwards.
Why do you put on his forehead? Is he a savior?
He's on
national television.
Also, the forehead saved.
Well, you know where it is.
You know what I mean?
Where else couldn't you put it, really?
It's kind of like, it's like putting a pencil behind your ear.
No, dude.
Cocaine is...
But more productive.
Cocaine is Batman.
Like, everything's in the shadows, dude.
You don't fucking, you don't show cocaine.
That is true.
Everything is fucking in the shadows.
The amount of times...
You would never want to show that.
I know, but I mean, it's, maybe it's like, I don't know.
He's trying to take some of the shame away from it.
That would be sick to just put, like, an aim.
on a glass case, like on a fucking nice chain, just to let these bitches know, Lou, I got.
It feels like cocaine's making a bit of a comeback right now.
Yeah?
Do you think so?
I do think so.
Like, I'll be out and, like, people go to the bathroom a lot.
Yeah.
They didn't drink water.
Well, guess what?
Fentanyl's the landlord going, you're not going to do that.
No, I feel like people are, I think we're coming out of the fentanyl scare.
You'd be doing research?
Breaking news.
Yeah, yeah.
I think everyone got scared for a couple years.
And now Coke's back.
It's never going.
They cleaned it up.
It's never going away.
It's not going away.
But, you know.
Cigarettes and cocaine are coming back in a huge way.
Cigarettes, beer, and cocaine.
Things that, you know, they died down for a while.
They're coming back, dude.
Yeah.
They're coming back.
Well, I mean, weed is less, I feel like I see, I smell less of that.
What do you do now?
I just drink water.
We got too strong.
The worst thing that happened.
Are you sober?
I have been.
for a minute, but not like
in a, not as a point of
you know, pride
or like I should announce it or anything like
that, but I just want to drop
a couple of LBs, you know? Yeah, yeah.
Get in shape, get my mind right. Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? Dry out. Stay clear.
Drying out, staying clear. That's right.
How's that going? It's going well. Yeah?
Yeah. I don't like the way you're looking at me right now, though.
You're kind of bumping me with your eyes a little bit.
No, no, I'm genuinely...
You've been very confrontational. You're making out what are you doing
later face?
Mm-hmm.
You know what I mean?
We're like, how committed are you to this?
Yeah, what up, guys?
Coming to you from the road here,
so apologize for how shitty the ads look, I guess.
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I got a guy.
Do you want to, you got a beer guy?
It's outside every fucking place.
Yeah.
You like those?
I got a liquor connect.
I haven't had those.
Tommy's been pushing these on everyone.
Is it one of your sponsors?
Tucker Cross.
What is it?
Just like a dip thing?
Honestly, this is the face that you make all the time.
Yeah.
And the hand.
And what are these?
Do you want one?
Yeah.
Do one.
Carve it.
Yeah.
It's kind of a terrible name.
That's my girl.
That's
That's my girl
The birdie
The second one was Chris
Okay
Yeah
Nice
My girl's
Chris is
Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo
Shane's
Because it's a taunt
Because it's a taunt
Shane taunts
Right
So Shane's text tone is a taunt
Yeah I mean the lady being the bird
Makes perfect sense
And my girl
Yeah
Because she's always chirping
Nonstop
Always chirping.
How angry does that noise make you?
I change her ringtone.
To keep a bunch.
Yeah.
Because how mad you get when you get.
Yeah, it depends.
Yeah.
You go a year with a certain ringtone with a person.
You have to shift that ringtone to a different and start over.
Right.
Because there's too much negative connotation.
That makes perfect sense, honestly.
100%.
Yeah.
Dude.
It's such a funny way to describe someone you don't like.
I'm on my sixth ringtone with this guy
You've known him a long
You love this guy
And then probably the first one
starts to feel nostalgic
So you go back to that
We were children
When I hated you
Yeah
Fuck
Dude our honest
Like us as old people
Like the things that we're gonna like
Reflect on
And like deal
Like we're gonna have like all the same weird
Fucking slang
We're gonna be you know
We're gonna be
too, like, technologically literate
to be old people. It's going to be a weird
fucking universe. Yeah. I agree with
this. Yeah. But it's a choice.
You could choose not
to do that. Participate in
society. Exactly. Yeah, I mean,
look, I respect anyone who's
doing that, because I don't, like, outside of someone
doing this or something like it, I'm like, I don't know
why. I meet people all the time in New York.
It's like, he does finance, but he's, like,
making funny videos to go viral. I'm like,
what the fuck are you doing with you? Why would you do that?
Like you're like six foot four, not ugly, and you make a lot of money,
and you're like doing like dating weird videos.
What the fuck is going on?
Yeah.
I don't know, man.
Everyone wants to be involved in social media.
In hell?
Yeah, yeah.
Jesus.
They weren't feeling.
I mean, also, we're doing a podcast right now.
I can't talk too much shit, but like, if I didn't do comedy,
I would never like, like, my close friends that aren't in entertainment,
they don't have a fucking Instagram
they're not all
my mom has one and it's specifically
to get jealous of ladies
who get like an above ground pool
or whatever the fuck is like
she's just in and how pissing herself on
Facebook is different
Twitter Instagram
that's like and TikTok and all that
bullshit that's like
pay attention to me now
it's really interesting
Facebook is like
Facebook's nuts
yeah here's a blanket statement
to all my sisters
and they're all ants
yeah it's like
Oh, Charlie's getting married
And everyone's like, who cares?
Dude, my hometown has like a Facebook page
And like sometimes I'll go on it
And I'll see someone being like, you know, Steve
If you, if I see you again, I'll fucking wipe your slate clean, buddy
And then someone's like, don't do it, Roger.
He's not fucking worth it, bro.
And then like you scroll down, he's like,
yeah, he's bringing fucking meth to the bond parties
Getting kids hooked on this shit
And then like his mom will go on.
Roger Loggwoff, get off.
I'm concerned for you.
It's like an entire fucking community coming together to tell him not to kill this guy.
It's fucking crazy.
It is, yeah.
It's like, it is a fight.
It's a fight that should just be in someone's house.
Sure.
That's just out in public.
Yeah, and you know he's got a gun on the desk, like, while he's posting this shit.
Do the, the idea, it's the idea that my.
My hometown has a Facebook page.
Dude.
So fucking funny.
Every hometown has a Facebook.
It's so funny.
There was someone, I think they posted it in this.
Roger log off.
Roger.
Roger.
It's so good.
Just walk away, man.
Just walk away.
That should be our code word from when we're getting too fucked up.
Roger, log off.
Yeah, yeah.
Just log off, man.
Yo, Chris gets so fucked up.
I showed you the picture, but the video, I have a video.
I woke up, also, we're all fucked up.
But he came in a little later than I did.
I was sleeping.
I woke up at like 7 a.m., 6 a.m.
And that picture you saw Chris sleeping on the couch or the chair, knees down, like a dead soldier in fucking Ukraine.
It does look like I got, yeah, you look like you got fucking, like.
It looks like a crime scene video.
The bombs just dropped.
You looked up for a second.
Oh, I bet you're going to say like a marionette.
No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's kind of the most...
The strings drops.
No.
It's the most vulnerable position I've ever seen a heterosexual man sleeping.
I did wake up with my fucking, my button not done.
Yeah, your asshole is the highest point of your body.
I told Shane, I was like, what did you?
When Shane came downstairs and I was just fucking crisp,
the fucking chair.
Go back upstairs.
You've seen the Burton and Ernie merch.
You know what this is.
Yeah, yeah.
You know how close we are?
You know, it's crazy is I clearly woke up, took a piss, didn't butt in my pants,
and just face planted into that seat.
I'll show you the video after this, but I wake him up.
I get up at like seven, six or whatever.
Sun's up.
I look at Chris and I literally got worried because his position was like, fucking, I watch a lot of crime.
Documentaries, right?
I was like, oh, this is death.
Yeah.
Chris is dead.
So I literally walked up to him and I checked his breathing.
Like I put my hands on his chest and he went,
he finally went, and I was like, he's awake.
And I went, Chris, you got to get up.
You got to get up, bud.
And he goes, I.
And I'm sleeping on the couch.
Chris gets up from the fucking chair, gets on his feet,
sleeps on the couch.
I go, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's my couch.
that's and then I have to, it took me another five to ten minutes to get him off the couch and up the steps.
And the whole time we're going, hold the railing.
Hold the, dude, the son's up.
The fucking son's up.
And I'm going, hold the railing, be safe.
Be safe.
Get up there.
A mom, dad, grandmom, grandpa.
I'm just watching this boy get the fucking bed so I could sleep on a couch.
So yeah, it's been a good fucking week, dude.
Yeah, it sounds like a bad guy.
Yeah, shout out Shane Gillis, dude.
Dude, he put us in a fucking...
He put us in a gasket.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, I snuck into an Adidas World Cup party last night.
Nice.
I was trying to get these mini soccer balls.
He was obsessed with these balls, dude.
Yeah, there was a vending machine with these little soccer balls that were, like, so sick.
And I was trying to buy them, but you couldn't buy them.
You needed a token.
Mm.
And I went up, I just broke, I like crashed the Adidas party and just asked.
Did you get one?
Yeah, I got two.
Fuck yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That is a satisfying.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, no.
Ryan, what do you know about Chris when he brings something to a party that he shouldn't?
I don't know.
Or take something from a party that he should.
I don't know.
Not recalling if you're calling back to something.
Does it get back home?
No, no.
No of them made it back home.
This man, this man loses shit like you wouldn't fucking.
belief and I saw him grab
this ball. I touched the ball and like this is a nice
ball. It's a very nice ball. It's a hundred euro.
Yeah, tell him the token story.
So he bops into this. Adidas
fucking party. Allegedly.
Everyone at the party.
Apparently it takes 100 euros to get
a fucking ball. Yeah.
From the vending machine. He didn't have
tokens. So I'm with him with the machine
going, don't get it. It's not going to come
home with us. You're not going to, you're going to
fucking leave it. He goes upstairs,
breaks in the fucking party,
starts asking strangers if they got tokens.
He's asking strangers for fucking tokens
for a hundred, you're all.
What's that, $150?
$180?
Yeah, yeah.
That's $600.
Yeah, yeah.
$600.
He gets $2.
That's $12.
That's incredible that you were able to pull that off.
Yeah, it was great.
I did wind up getting in a fight with a Scottish guy.
They're ready to fight.
Yeah, yeah.
He kept saying he was British.
And I was like, no, you're not.
I was like, I'm Irish.
You're more like the same.
And he was like, no.
And I was like, you love the queen.
And he was like, don't talk to me about the queen.
Wow.
Then I tried to ball.
I would love to be able to say that to someone.
He was so mad.
Don't talk to me about the queen.
Yeah.
So we gave the last ball to the Uber driver the way home.
Oh, that was nice.
Yeah.
We didn't take the same trip.
No, no.
Because he separated.
Him and his girl.
left.
Well, we went to the Adidas party.
Yeah.
They had food.
We were drinking for free.
It was, yeah, it was a good hang.
I tried to get them to come up, and you guys didn't come.
Dude, I pulled a similar move, and I went to the Happy Gilmore 2 premiere, and there was
like a bunch of boxes behind the bar, and it was like pieces of shit for breakfast from
Shooter McGavin.
And so I was like, I need to get one of those boxes, so I walked up to the lady who was
running the thing, and I was like, please, huge Shooter McGavin guy.
Can you please get me one of these boxes?
And so she's like, wait right here.
She goes in the back.
She gets me a box.
Now I need a pen.
I go to the bar.
I'm like, yo, you got a pen?
She's like, I got a Sharpie.
I go, great.
So I got the Sharpie.
And now I'm loitering near the sandwich table where Shooter McGavin and Steve Buscemi are just like
hanging out and talking.
And I'm trying to figure out like a way in.
And I have a ghost world shirt on with like the main character from that movie.
And Busemi's in that movie.
And he like stopped the conversation and was like, hey, I'm honored.
And I was like, dude, huge fan, also shooter, bang.
and then he signed it, and I got out of there.
I was like, this is not going to get any better than this.
I have it on my mantle.
I love Shooter McGa...
I love Shooter McGavin.
His whole goal in that movie is to make sure
that Happy Gilmore's grandma stays homeless.
And that's exactly the kind of guy I want to get behind.
I love a fucking putrid villain like that, dude.
Just a pedestrian psychopath.
I mean, that's what all these people...
Like the Facebook people in my hometown, it's like, you know, these people, they live in condos, but you're a psychopath.
Like you're not, you don't murder anyone, but you, like, will, like, report someone for having a wreath on their door past January.
Yeah.
You know?
Like, it's like this kind of shit.
You're obsessed.
Yeah.
They're, like, staring at each other out the window.
Wondering when Kathy's going to go for a walk.
Does she have a dog?
My mom was convinced.
Oh, she woke up late today.
Must have been drinking.
Must be.
Must be drinking last night.
Dude, my mom had a drink.
She's had a drink, and she tries to hide it, but I can see.
I go through a trash.
I understand.
I'm not kidding.
My mom had a dog visit her.
A person came over with a dog, right?
And then she went for a walk like the next day.
My mom had a dog visit.
Right.
I mean, she's old.
As she do.
Exciting stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
So she's walking down the street and she hears one woman put like a speaker of like a dog.
barking at her, like, while she's walking, to be like, I saw the dog.
Wait, what?
That's crazy.
Now, I can't tell what's crazier if this actually happened or if my mom imagined
that this was happening.
Like, both are equally insane.
So a lady, you think the lady was trying to change her route?
No, the lady was being like, I know you had a dog over.
You're not supposed to have a dog over.
Oh, here comes the dog broad.
Woof-wolf
In the fucking window
She wasn't supposed to have a dog over
You're not allowed to have animals
You're not allowed to have any animals
On your property
You own this fucking thing
And you can't like piss
How you want to pick
Everyone's policing everyone's behavior
The entire time
No it's a condo
Yeah it's a condo
But it's like a bunch of old people
Who are psychotic
That are on the board
And then people get into the board
They change things
But really they just want to know
You know
It's psychotic
Yeah
And then they're on Facebook and they're getting Intel and then, you know, you know who's moving back to, you know.
I feel like crazy white women like this.
Dude, my mom gossiped about a baby to me like two days ago.
I swear to God.
What was the gossip?
I can't really say because it would be too hot.
But it was something about like, you know, their baby has a, you know.
Big problem.
Yeah.
And I'm like, it's a baby.
Yeah.
You're 66.
Yeah.
This is six and a half decades of wisdom.
Old people, they have to strum up some, they're writing their own fiction.
Yes, exactly.
They're writing their own fucking, like, lower.
You create your excitement.
Yeah.
So everything has to be dramatic.
So they can take their mundane life to be interesting.
Correct.
So you're looking at something, you're interacting with somebody.
Everything has to be elevated.
It's a fake story.
Everything is a fake story when you're old.
It's kind of great.
And you're isolated.
Otherwise, you can't feel anything.
Right.
Because if you don't have a story.
So every day.
And it could be anything.
Yeah.
I walked outside.
I got the mail.
I came in.
I made chicken pawn.
The same way I always do where my husband hates it.
And we ate chicken pawn.
We didn't talk.
He's pissed.
The whole fucking dinner.
We sat down.
I didn't watch a show that I wanted to because he wanted to watch his show.
So we watched his show.
And then we slept separately.
and a giant fucking square
way apart.
We didn't touch.
We didn't have any of that.
That's nice.
There's no...
Sounds like a nice evening.
Of course it does right now.
But when you're old,
you've got to bring drama into it.
Yeah.
What happened when you wanted to get the mail?
It was a dog.
There's a raccoon.
And you're not supposed to have...
You know how we always wanted a dog.
We always wanted a dog.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, the pot shot
at another guy in the family.
Something happens.
Some people can't get dogs.
Yeah.
They got a dog.
The male guy.
I didn't like the way the male guy looked at me.
He said something to be frank.
She goes and goes, Frank, the male guy, again,
he's looking at me different.
And he goes, Jesus Christ.
And he hits the fucking recliner.
He's like, oh.
Where is he at?
Where is he at?
Frank's not there.
Because Frank's not real.
Right.
She wants some fucking story to tell herself
sure she feels something.
And she's kind of hoping her husband trips on his way outside and hits his head.
Frank finally gets back inside.
He goes, where's the chicken palm?
Where's the chicken?
She goes, I'm starting it.
Starting it.
She starts a chicken palm.
He gets back to a show that he's watching.
Yeah.
That he doesn't give a fuck about whether or not she likes it or not.
She finally gets on the chicken palm.
No, he's got comments.
Don't do the palm like you did it the last time.
This is his peace.
This time is his peace.
Don't overcook it
She's...
She's making a dog shit meal
This is Frank's time
But she's turned on
Because he defended her honor
Against the ghost she invented
Jesus Christ
You fucking end it
We're at 36
Dude speaking of old people with stories
I was watching a sports century documentary
Tommy
You know those sports century
documentary?
Yes
It opens on all the gold trophies
It was a Babe Ruth one
And they're interviewing all these old guys
who played with Babe Ruth.
They're like 150 years old.
They're like animals, turtles and shit.
And one guy was only in it for one second, right?
They cuts to him and he just goes,
yeah, one time I was in the bathroom,
I was taking a shower in the locker room.
I felt this hot stream on my back.
I turned around.
The babe was pissing on me.
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All right.
Now back to the episode.
But that's just the way he was.
And then it just cut away.
Beautiful.
He's not in the documentary anymore than that.
That sucks.
And I'm like, dude, that's your only story in your whole life.
Yes.
That rules.
But, yeah, he's at his daughter's wedding being like, this is so beautiful.
Reminds me the time Babe Ruth shit in my mouth.
I love you both.
This guy was a fucking, he was...
No, that doesn't, that's not good.
Babe Ruth thought he was a urinal cake, and this is the most interesting thing that ever happened to me.
This guy spent his whole life in the fucking minors.
Dude.
The only thing you do to be known.
No, he's probably on the Yankees.
To get the documentary.
He was on the Yankees.
Back then, who gives you shit?
He was on the Yankees.
Fucking mailmen were in the Yankees.
He probably had like a four-hour...
You know the fucking, dude, in the 60s and 70s, like the New York Giants linemen had second jobs.
Dude.
They were construction workers.
Yeah, I'd be so pissed.
Just imagine, though.
This guy...
Here comes a pitch.
This guy...
I mean, Shane's joke about old Carly.
It's...
Dude, they're regular guys.
They weren't fucking athletes.
Dude, they were.
Well, athletes for them.
And this guy probably did a four-hour interview.
I mean, just imagine...
Imagine him taking the lov mic off going, like, was that good?
I mean, did you get what you did?
Like, dude.
They're like, oh yeah, we got it.
They take one soundbite.
Yeah, we got it.
He's like, and then the chicken palm is terrible.
He doesn't even know where he is.
Dude, sits down to watch.
You know, I did an interview for this.
That guy for four hours going, and then the AC was going,
and then the AC was going, like, getting most of the way through it.
Getting most of the way through it and being upset that you're probably cut out.
And then there's just that clip.
They didn't take my good stuff.
Dude, I'm going to send you.
It's on YouTube.
I'm going to show you after this.
It's so funny.
It's truly insane.
It's so funny.
It's incredible.
But like interviewing old people.
There he was.
They cut me out.
The babe pissed on me.
And then just that story.
Yeah, he was making sure he got in there.
He had the piss story.
That's funny.
That's going to get him.
And also, speaking to the athletes, my grandpa, he used to be, like, pissed that athletes were in shape.
He's like, in my day, Babe Bruce would have three hot dogs,
two beers and go out and hit some fucking dig it.
Like it was better that way.
Yes. Yeah. It's like these are just, they were fat
and like fucking retard.
Yeah. And he's like,
what is this Mani Ramirez?
Yeah. Yeah.
In shape, vaguely tan.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, I feel like Mani was one of the last. The fact.
Like, threw his legs in a lot, but it was like,
wow. Back then.
Holy shit. Yeah, yeah.
Bob Cousy, put a ball through his legs.
Just practicing, doing.
What's this guy black?
Enough to see.
set you apart.
Just a sports announcer being that they must have been able to be that overtly.
It also would suck if the story was that he pissed on Babe and then Babe pissed on him back.
You know, like if there was like more, it was like more even.
And they just took the chunk that was like, yeah, and they just pissed on my back.
That's just the way he was.
That's just the way he was.
Which is the thing old people say when they realize the story they just told is not good.
Yeah.
It's the way it was
Probably wouldn't understand that now
But time was different back then
Piss was actually harder
At that time
Piss was clean it
It doesn't have all the plastics in it
Yeah
Oh God
Plastic pissing hit with rock salt
Yeah
Oh my god
That's a shitty
shitty
shitty
shitty thing to have in a document
I just wouldn't want that
To be my only story
Like that's horrifying
You know
Like I grew up
You know, the guys just had one story.
That was the, you know, not my grandpa's generation.
Everyone just...
What would be your one story?
Today.
Probably this moment right here with you.
What would be your one story?
That's a horrifying question.
I know.
Just imagine that there's like, in 35 years they do, or 40 years, they do like a Shane Gillis documentary.
And all the things that you experience in the friendship.
that you've had.
And imagine if
that whole thing
was distilled down
to he pissed
on my back once.
Well,
it's gonna end
with the video
that I took of me.
Sleeping on that.
Dude,
that's what I'm saying.
And then the narrative's
going to be like,
but Shane persevered
through the clan
of drunk retarded,
man.
You just,
dude,
the credits come up,
and it's just you like that.
They're just doing
the director's cut
and you're sleeping
on a fucking,
A lovesie
While this was happening
Shane was on a call
With Kevin Hart
To discuss an upcoming
Brand deal
Which would later chase
To change the face of advertising
I made an ass out of myself
In front of Justin Bieber's wife
Last night
It's so funny
It's so fucking funny
Did you say anything to Justin Bieber's wife
For real?
No, Shane was talking to where
I didn't touch
Yeah
I saw the beam
I saw the beam
Is he as attractive
As he is on TV in person
He's smaller
He's small.
I was, you know.
How tall is he?
I would say like five.
Oh, you saw the beach?
I would say like five, yeah.
Oh, no shit.
It was his after party.
Oh, my God.
You're upstairs at the Dean's party getting basketball.
Oh, it was Bieber's party?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
I wouldn't trade those soccer balls for anything in the world.
Well, you did.
Also, we left his wallet.
Oh, yeah.
That's why we went to Pete's today.
We can pick up his wallet.
That's awesome that someone recovered.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Well, I was the only one left in the bar.
So there was no one there to steal it.
I was...
It was just him and the bartender.
The bartender was like, Jesus.
Just looking at the cameras going, I can't steal it.
That reminds me of...
I did that with you guys.
We were the last one in Maggie's, and I left my backpack in there.
Yeah.
And then I had to go back, like, the next day.
Yeah.
You get it.
I think we ran it back.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, that's what we started.
You were starting.
beers again.
Yeah.
We went back to Pete's and I, uh, I order, I got a, I got a steak.
And the guy is how fucking hungover I was.
The guy's like, do you want any sides?
He got a ribby.
It comes with two sides.
Yeah.
He was like, do you want these sides?
And I go, yeah, I'll just get like fries.
And he's like, all right, so fries and I was like, yeah, fries.
He goes, you want two sides of fries?
He didn't say it like that.
He went.
You want two sides of fries?
Like he said it very direct, also concerned.
Yeah.
You want two sides of fries?
And I'm next one going, wait, hold on, hold on.
Give me the menu, dude.
Get some mash.
Do something different.
They're going to call the cops, dude.
I'll take the fries.
It's an immediate 911 call.
Yeah, what else?
Fries.
Hello, 911.
Because we're just so hung over and he goes, you want two sides of fries?
Yeah.
Did you eat both of us?
No, I wound up getting, I didn't even get fries.
I wound up getting mashed potatoes and onion rings once I realized.
See, this is why I didn't think you guys were hung over because you had a hair of the dog.
So that explains everything.
Yes, we hear the dog.
We still hung over.
No, not really.
We're working our way out of it.
I'm starting to get hung over again because I haven't had a beer in about 45 minutes.
Yeah, that's going to be a problem.
Yeah, yeah.
We'll get back at it.
We'll get back at it.
This new death stare you got.
Mirror?
Isn't that way you're what?
says to do oh yeah what he doesn't realize how crazy his face is sometimes yeah you know it's bit
and she says mirror no well that's what she says now but uh so when i talk to her the way i talk
yeah i have a expression on my face yeah and she'll go what do you mean and i go uh well
what fuck you mean yeah and she'll go why are you talking like that
And I go, talking like what?
Yes.
And she goes, hold it.
Hold your face.
The first time she said this to me, dude, it fucking broke me.
She goes, hold your face right now.
Look how you're talking to me.
And you don't think you're angry?
I'm not fucking angry.
It's how I talk.
And she goes, hold it.
And I have to hold my face like this.
And she goes, go to the mirror.
And I walk all the way to the mirror.
I look at my face.
I'm like, yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
That's fucked out.
I can't believe
I looked like that.
I didn't mean anything by it, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
It's like your wife last night.
I said bitch.
I said bitch to Chris's girl.
I didn't mean anything by it.
I was just like, give me the keys.
Bitch?
No, no, I said bitch in conversation.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
It was wrong.
Right, but it's more like colloquial.
It wasn't.
You didn't intend to.
Yeah, of course.
Of course not.
I wouldn't say that.
Yeah.
But it was exactly that.
Just like getting fucking worked up.
Right.
It's one of those situations
I'm not saying you are a bitch.
Yeah.
You're acting.
I didn't say that either.
That's crazy.
Surprising.
No, that's coming from you.
Because I don't think of you that way.
But it's amazing how much you resemble a bitch.
In this moment.
In this moment.
If I didn't know any better, I would say that you are a bitch.
But I do know better, so I'm not going to say that.
Yeah.
I just want you to.
know that you're coming awfully close to the textbook definition.
Well, it's funny.
Of a bitch.
This is like, I don't know.
This is like...
I'm helping.
I'm being helping.
That's, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like you're about to fall off.
I'm teaching you something.
Dude, I didn't even like...
Someone's about to fall into a pool.
Yeah.
No, I was just saying, like, get back.
Yeah.
Because you're close.
No, but language...
Bro, bro, bro.
This is...
language to women
it's like it depends on like how you're raised
right obviously she was raised in such a different home
where is she from again
Midwest yeah that's
there's a different world and she's younger
and I grew up with fucking animals I got two older brothers
and a father bumpers is a family of bumpers
a whole family
no notes
whole family of bumpers you guys do a lot of bumpers
You guys do a lot of...
When we talk aggressive, it's like, I'm just talking you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is how I talk.
Exactly.
I'm letting you know.
So, like, when I'm emotional, I get fucking aggressive because that's all I know.
Yep.
So that disconnect has been...
It's not been like a struggle.
It's hard to, like, navigate with a woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Where you go, I'm sorry that.
I'm talking this way.
This is how I've always been spoken to.
This is how I navigate a conversation.
This is how I react.
Yeah.
It's not what you.
So the way I speak when I'm just normal is the way a regular person would speak when they're upset.
Right.
Like,
Fuck you.
New England has the same thing.
And it wasn't until I moved to New York that I met people from the Midwest and like
realized that it was a problem.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it's like it doesn't need to be a problem if you will just accept.
my culture of anger.
Yes.
Well, it's like where I, it's like where I come from, this is just, I need to do this to
demonstrate how committed to this position I am.
Bingo bango.
It's not, but for them, it's a like world-ending nuclear holocaust.
But I don't like that because, like, no, no, I just, if I didn't say it this way, you'd think
I didn't care about what I'm saying.
Total backfire.
Dude, I would rather know.
Just God forbid if you said it's soft, they'd be like, do you care?
Oh, do you want me to tell you like this?
Yeah, you go, you didn't even mean that.
I fucking love you.
I'd rather know where I stand with someone than, like, the Midwest thing is tough because it's like, I don't even know what you're feeling.
Like, you could be very nice to me.
I have no idea where you are.
And then later, as soon as I leave, they're like, he's a real kind.
And I'm like, okay, well, I thought you were being very nice to you.
So I hate that.
I'd way rather someone be directly, you know.
I don't.
Yeah.
That was what was so nice about hearing the guy on the.
phone. Like it was just like the way he was speaking to the person was so violent and it was so like
it felt warm. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like you could fall asleep to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's truly. It was like, I can't fall asleep without the audio of slamming doors and someone
calling someone a bitch. Fuck you queer. Yeah. It's great. Yeah, I don't like, I mean, there's just no data
inside of like politeness.
It's just like, very intentionally vague.
It feels deceptive.
I guess it's like the right thing to do,
but it feels so foreign to me.
I'm like, thank God I don't work in an office or something.
Yeah, the pleasantness would...
It would kill me.
Yeah.
It was just like, what are you really saying?
Like, I'd be saying that a lot.
Yeah.
What's crazy about...
And they'd be like, you need to leave.
I'm like, right.
What's crazy about the United States?
You gotta draw them out with your anger.
Yeah, yeah.
What are you even fucking trying to say?
Like, truly.
the United States is like it's
different continents
right so like yeah
you date a girl from the Midwest it's like
well the East Coast
it's ingrained like you're gonna
you're gonna talk the way you talk
you're gonna be the way you are
right you fall in love
and they're like oh I like this
it's fucking romantic it's
you're different it's like I watch you
on television or something
you're somebody I've never seen before
and then you finally get in the fucking muck
right you're getting the sheets right
and then they go why are you talking like
that yeah it's like wow
what am I gonna do
unwire this I've been spoken
unwire this fucking and you know what
if you did unwire it she'd leave you
yeah 100%
that's how I feel about it
we'll be right back
just the view but it's three doucheback
it is crazy when someone's like
I can't even imagine like how could you
talk to me this way and you're like I've heard
worst things said to me
about the way that I mowed
the lawn. Right. I've had
a more like... Yeah, that takes time.
I can't imagine watching
you mow lawn. I mean... I'm already pissed
I feel like it's perfectly straight lines.
I doubt it. He seems like that...
Way too slow. Of course. Way too slow.
Well, you've got to go slow
so the mowler... Too meticulous. Yes, exactly.
No, no, no, no, this is a certain speed.
No, you can't go too fast. You guys never hit a toad
with the mower?
Yeah.
tough do you know do you want to hear a story especially if it's like mulching like if it's if it's
if you're not put it in the bag and you just it's like you know yeah yeah yeah yeah in the
no I get it yeah yeah you got to go slow no correct you're not wrong and then your dad goes
well you wouldn't have to go slow if you cut it when you were supposed to cut it now it's
gotten too long yeah so I I cut lawns for four years with uh my my brother's best friend
John Doss, right?
And his father worked...
Was your brother jealous?
Just missing with...
It's going to take forever.
Why?
John Doss, what happened to John Doss?
His father worked across the street from the nursery school I went to, right?
Century 21.
He was a real...
Oh, you got the Century 21 property.
That's good stuff.
Yeah.
He's big.
He was big.
No, he was doing good.
Shout out.
Shut up, Pop John Dodd.
97 was a good year.
So, we would go long along.
I heard they have.
I knew it.
I know what he was going to be.
Come on, you did your gun thing.
No, because a lot of people think it's just that front area.
There's actually a whole back section.
There's an acre.
It's not a flat acre, but it's an acre.
It's going to take forever.
It's going to take forever.
Why?
You got seven minutes.
17.
John Das' dad.
Yeah, John Das is dad.
his dad.
He's working across the street.
From the nursery.
In an office.
And you're mowing lungs.
We got to cut the fucking century 21.
We got to cut the nursery school.
Yeah.
The nursery school is next to an open lot.
A bunch of broads in there?
We're kids.
If we don't get it done by 10 o'clock, they're at recess.
We've got to wait.
You fucking cut.
We're going to have to wait.
A shabby brother's movie about Mowing Moulon.
Then I'm not going to get home.
I'm not getting home until 3, 4 o'clock.
My fucking deal is wearing off.
John Doss.
John Doss.
He's dad.
Yeah.
I'm weed whacking at the nursery school.
Yeah.
John goes, let's switch.
I got to come over here,
but he's got to clear the bottles,
glass bottles from the lot
that kids were playing fucking hockey,
roller hockey.
Yeah.
They're actively playing roller hockey next to the fucking
the preschool.
Just a pile of you-hoo's?
Yeah, 100%.
So he's picking up the bottles,
doing all this shit.
He's got a number of.
old 48 inch
mower, right?
Right? Right. There's three...
No, not riding.
Oh. No. Fucking full active.
The two guns? Yeah.
The two guns? Yeah, two guns.
And
I'm on the other side
across the street at Century 21.
Just weed whacket, dude.
And... That was good. No, my
wee waker's insane. So
I hear screaming.
And I shut the wee wacker down. It's like,
when I hear
like true scream
it stops
and I'm just like
oh that's just kids
play
they're playing
fucking roller hockey
yeah it's either someone's being raped
or kids are having fun
it freaks me out every time
so I kick it back up
I start weed whacking
I'm fucking doing all my stuff
hear it again
pop it off
what's that
look across the street
John is on his back holding his foot up.
The mower runs over his boot, cuts off his foot.
Oh, my God.
Blitzed right through the top of his foot.
And he's on his back.
And the mower is against the fucking nursery school full blast.
Ghost mower?
Yeah.
Some dude jumps over the fucking back fence with a giant sheet.
Because he was the first to see it and hear it.
jumps over with a sheep
covers them up
yeah what
covers them up
like a horse they're gonna kill
yeah
just his face
like the wife before war
I knew I get that one
so I run back over
and he's literally holding his
fucking leg up
it splits as
I mean
this kid had
seven surgeries, eight surgeries over the next like five years.
Skin grafts.
Oh my God.
Dude, it fucking splintered all those tiny little bones in your fucking part.
Metatarsals.
Yeah, metatarsals.
Was the mower okay?
Moor was good.
Yeah, we put it to sleep, though.
I respect.
You had to put it down.
We dumped it off in Ocean City, New Jersey.
And that's how we lost the Century 21 account.
Yeah.
There's blood everywhere.
You've got to hire us again.
Give us another chance.
Also, have you seen the rest of his foot?
I got this rental property.
You wouldn't even believe.
You think that was bad?
His father, Mr. Das, runs out.
So this kid on roller skates that I went to high school with was playing hockey.
He runs across the street, tells me, John's hurt.
John's hurt.
So I run across the street and that's when I saw John, right?
Man, what an old-timey story.
John's hurt.
John's hurt.
I know, dude.
It was like legit.
Mr. Das, come quick.
John's been hurt.
Is that because of my gray hair?
I make everything to tell him old?
No, no.
No, it feels like a thing.
Mr. Das, someone sent a telegram.
Yeah, yeah.
No, for real, someone before someone, now someone just text someone.
They're like, yo, John's fucked up
You gotta get over here
Dude.
No one, no little kid ran
To a place
He was gonna fucking rollerblades
Dude, he got there,
No, honestly God
He was on rollerblade
He was pulling up to the door breaking
He rolled up to the door breaking
He rolled up across the street
Go Tommy, John's hurt
He's in the fucking yard
Holding his foot up
Guy jumps over the fence
That's when he grabbed the thing
The Klansman
I run on the door
And I get his father
Yeah
And I go, John's hurt
We run across the street
his fucking his foot
weed wax is still running just in your hand
always stay on dude
just still trimming Chris you gotta always stay on duty
dude dude you never know when there's a weed
that needs to get I gotta be out of here three o'clock
lunch break
Mrs. is making chicken cutlet again
what time is he
over time
so anyway his father
this is the funniest part
his father was so like clean
that
Josh
Das is ripping the grass
and when I say
ripping
ripping the fucking grass
Like a lady
grabbing bed sheets
This one's gonna hurt
bitch
And not that you're a bitch
I just think it
I mean anything by it
I just said it
I'm helping you out
I'm trying to help you out
Hold your face John
Please respect my culture
So anyway
His father goes
John
he's going
fuck
fuck
and his father goes
John watch your mouth
and then he goes
ah
shoot
he said watch your mouth
his fucking foot was hanging off
this is the pedestrian
psychopathy I was talking about
is the crazy shit
I've ever seen
like being a medic at war
being like language
yeah
he's holding your buddy's head
in your lap. I don't like you talking about Jesus Christ
like that. I don't think I should fix this.
You said the F word? It's a nursery school, John.
There's kids around.
John, I'm selling real estate.
You've got the grass all fucked up.
I'm trying to sell a shore house, John.
How am I going to sell this place with red grass?
Answer me that.
Oh, well.
All right, right, right.
I'm gonna sell this place with red grass
It's me, man
It's the fucking nightmare
You're heinous
You're heinous
You're heinous
Who you are and what you've become
That's really the core of this problem
Would your mother like this?
You know, this is a symptom
Of a much larger problem
You're going on
You're very careless
I notice you don't tuck
The keyboard away
After you use the computer
I got you that Gayway 2000 for a reason
This is what I was warning you about
Oh fuck
Raiga, you got something to plug, bro
I just find me on Instagram
at Ryan Donahue
And I post all my dates on there
I'm starting to do little videos
Because, you know, it's all been colonized
By TikTokers
So, you know, here I am
Adapting and thriving
One of our best friends, Ryan Donahue
The funniest fucking guy we know
Yeah
You know
Go to hey chrisocconnor.com
For I'm being in St. Louis
In Indianapolis this weekend, check it out
Yep
Well, thanks for
What about you, Tommy?
Look at dish.
Look at this.
I made my family, the Greek salad.
Yeah.
It was wonderful.
With the lamb chops.
With the lamb chops.
Yeah.
Huge hit.
Yeah.
Huge hit.
Let's go.
Huge hit.
Yeah, check out.
Look at this.
If you haven't, we got a bunch of cool shit.
We did a run in New York a few weeks ago.
So those are coming out?
Yeah, we got some good stuff coming up.
And, yeah, I got a little mini tour coming out.
I don't have the dates fully solidified to plug yet, but stay tuned.
Tommy J-Pope, I guess.
I've never done that before.
TJP.
Yeah, thanks, guys.
And thanks, Louie, for using gas ditch.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Thank you to all the producers.
You understand?
The protein bars are delicious.
Yeah.
We've got to go to the cellar for AYG.
Yeah.
Okay.
You want to go?
Sure.
Going over there's cellar.
Going over there's cellar.
What time is it?
5.15.
All right, let's go.
