Stuff Island - Security Guy #2 - Stuff Island #144 w/ Ari Matti

Episode Date: July 31, 2024

Security Guy #2 - Stuff Island #144 w/ Ari Matti Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en -Follow Ari on IG: https://www.instagram.com/arimatticomedy/?hl=en Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoneycom/STUFFISLAND Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I in my head I think it's exact opposite I think if I walk into a whorehouse they're all like me me me yeah they think you're like a potential employer yeah maybe and I think they run their own or like in my head you have whorehouse owner voice yeah in my old watch oh yeah if I get old big belly with a gold watch you don't perfect dude I'm fucking perfect start perming out your hair bitch no I've been I've been in some

shady situations I think I can get a free free free bang at the whorehouse yeah free? free no fucking way

cause I'm so handsome and they're like no way it's like I used to be a barista and if it was a cute girl I would make a free americano

if she's in her first week and for some reason horny which never happens they are they're dead okay cheaper because i see the guys that usually it should you know what that's that's that's always uh when you go to like thailand you know i used to live in bangkok and you you would see these whore houses and the slobs of shit that walk in yeah yeah right and i'm always like just wear a nice shirt at least. Dude, I thought the same thing. It's like, they must be excited

when you have some charisma or look good. They're probably like, I want him. I have parallel eyes. They're already jumping up and down. I'll reduce my price just to have a normal guy fuck me.

And then when I was there, I was thinking, you know what it should be? Like, if you look like Harvey Weinstein, it's 75,000. Like, it's $75,000. Like any hooker, $75,000. Helicopter, something like that. Me? $30.

That's essentially what he was paying on average for a small movie role. For a background actress. True, but I guess it didn't really cost him anything. No. You know what I mean? What cost him his career and his life? Did it though? Did it though?

No, I think he got... Did it though? He got like... House arrest? No, I think he's... No, he's in Singapore somewhere murdering hookers who don't have... Wait, he's out of jail?

Yeah, I think they... Yeah. I think they appealed and I think he was like exonerated. I used to have a bit... Isn't it great? Money is so... That's what I'm saying.

I used to have a bit that you know people people were all like oh my god his life's work his life is ruined and I'm like he's somewhere in the

Gulf of Singapore yeah murdering he's just not doing exactly he's just not raping here yeah yeah like a post-rapist

Weinstein life is still better than my non-rapist life yeah Hollywood's just the open mics he's on the main stage in singapore just oh great wow look at that yeah this might be a hooker that's your ringtone crazy ringtone by the way psychotic that's my girl

everybody's got a ringtone in my close circle uh-huh and a text oh like a custom yeah just so you know what's a text tone tone, ringtone, I know who's... So if the phone's in the other room, you know how fast you need to pick it up? Or if I need information from you or the producers or Shane or John, they have a ring and a text tone so I can skedaddle. You know, I got to get that. It's just a general text. Then you won't respond to it?

No. No, I mean not immediately. It's a lot of effort, though, to change the ringtones, is it not? No, it's fucking a general text. Then you won't respond to it? No. Hmm. No, I mean not immediately. It's a lot of effort though to change the ringtones, is it not? No, it's fucking easy peasy. I'm never even open settings. In fact, I'm going to walk you through it. I honestly don't know how to do it. I got to get you a carrier pigeon to get you to respond to me.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying. I'm like that, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, it's crazy. Airplane mode is my home. It's crazy, dude. Dude, airplane mode.

I don't know shit about shit. I've been getting into silent mode. Airplane mode is fucking aggressive. Oh, yeah, yeah, dude. Dude, airplane mode, I don't know shit about shit. I've been getting into silent mode. Airplane mode is fucking aggressive. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's been backfiring in my career a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not just career, but my parents are 74, 75. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm waiting for a call at some point. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dad strokes out on a fucking 18th green. What's their ringtone? Just Bryce is right. I have every notification turned off every notification turned off my phone everything everything everything 9-11 nothing can call 9-11 nothing can call me 9-11 9-11 still haven't heard about it yeah a lot of ringtones died on that thing literally instagram i've never even seen the notification but this was like maybe two months ago

I'm in my bed and I see my phone's screen light up never has it done that I have everything turned off Instagram notification and it says Joe Rogan just followed you and I love how even the iPhone is like

listen bro I know I know you agreed you both agreed to not do this but you need to get up open your phone yeah for nothing else that's gotta be in Instagram though they're like he's gonna want to see this

yeah that's what I was thinking probably I know he's got the filters on but this is too big yeah there's priorities. Were you glad that you got it? Yeah, I mean... What? The notification. Yes!

Or did you go back into your settings? Did you lose sleep? No, it's a great morning. He's reaching for the vape like a fucking... I know, I'm a toddler. Like a Darth Vader. I'm actually trying to quit. Are you? You're doing a bad job.

This is the third time you've been doing this shit to me. Can I have a small hit, Mr. Tommy Pope, who looks absolutely insane? Right now? I think I have an extra. Dude, one time at Mitzi's, I saw you across the bar, and it was packed. I killed Tony Monday, and it was just packed.

As a goof, I go, Tommy Pope, known rapist, and you didn't hear it, but everybody else did. Because I thought you'd be like, what the fuck? And then that's the bit. But that just went into full everyone's mind. And then I just kept talking to my girl. It's Tommy Pope, known rapist.

And you were just, ah. Still out of prison. Look at him. Pig. That happens to me so often. People yelling known rapist? No, I don't yell known rapist. But just like I always say what up too quietly.

Same. So someone will be walking by and I'll go, what up? And then they just won't hear it. Yeah. And they'll just walk right by and I'll be standing with like a friend or something. What the fuck was that? Yeah. Dude, I'm the master

of awkward mistimed hellos first time I saw first time I saw Rogan in December she was just walking past me Adam he like shook my hand he was like oh you're the Estonian I shook my hand walked on and I should have said immediately something I got nervous

so I missed a beat and I said I thought it would be funny to say, you know, I can beat you. Just to throw around as a goof, you know? He didn't hear it. He security did. And they just looked at me like, so quietly.

I was like, I can beat you. Like, just nothing. Security guys were like, the Avengers were like, what the fuck? You know, he's got the avengers always dude dude his avengers are the best dude the best dude that's so great he's the first man in my he's the first man in my life where i feel safe around him because i know avengers are outside anything happens end of the world biden whatever happens yeah if he's in the green room you're in

the safest place in america yeah there's fear. There's dudes with bow and arrows. There's no fear of sloped roofs on the fucking mothership. No, no, no. That place is gunned down. But how worried are you about danger? I don't know. I've seen the first two shootings of my life I've seen here. You saw people got shot here?

In the head. What? Yeah, at sunset. Wait, what? That was a great shooting and i played disco music so loud in the green room just to cheer everybody up you know everybody's like just to cheer everybody that the manager came in hey like can you turn down the disco people out there are hyperventilating i just tried to pick up the mood you know oh right now no you didn't see somebody get shot

yeah i saw somebody at sunset that shooting where two people got shot. It was like a homeless lady got shot in the head. Out front? Yeah. And then the other guy was just face down on pavement. Who shot him? I don't know. I don't look into the details.

Somebody overpaid for a blowjob. Oh, and then I love SWAT car. You mean SWAT cars straight past sunset, straight to mothership? You let them bleed out yeah exactly it's so funny straight to mothership I never heard about that

yeah it was in the news it was in the news and shit and then the other one I saw was in Riverside on well I didn't see

I hear and then I look outside and see some woman bleeding also on another woman, dude. That's great. Yeah. Oh, my God. I mean, it's not great.

I've never seen someone get shot in my life. I've seen the aftermath once in North Philly, where they started doing the, you know, the old carpet ride over them. Yeah, yeah. I've seen the little sheet over the body. Yeah, his thick, jelly. I've seen the little sheet over the body. Yeah, his thick jelly brain fluid running down the drain. I saw a guy get

not hit by a truck, but like aftermath of being hit by a truck. Damn. Yeah, in Honduras. What? Yeah. Did you pay? Thank you. It's crazy. We've been doing this for two fucking years. He's telling me he saw a guy got hit by a truck.

He got blasted by a truck. And, you know, the asphalt is like sandpaper if you slide it long enough. So, yeah. So half of him was just like scraped down. Oh, my God. Yeah, it looked like he had just been put on like a sanding belt. Yeah. I saw an old lady get hit too when I was like a kid,

walking with my mom, holding her hand. And this old lady goes flying. Really? Goes flying. And like when it's just like the old lady is the worst thing to hit with a car. Because it's so antique. It's a bus case scenario, dude. She's got all her apples went flying and shit.

Dude, she was in the air for like two minutes it's crazy oh my god dude just seeing fucking Werther's Originals flying out of a little purse she's doing

somersaults my mom was like riffing like about that she didn't use the crosswalk you know that's what you need to use the crosswalk

yeah that's right you gotta look both ways yeah the old lady getting hit it's all an old lady's all crumpled they just collapse yeah it's a house of cards in there dude i would and then i knew i knew a guy he's dead now so him but i knew a guy when he was a kid see his whole thing was he was closeted right which i found out later when i met him in like his late 20s and he still till till he killed himself never came out the closet so but when he was a kid he was like a country town kid what he would do is wait in the bush with his friends and then see some old person

going home from the store then go behind them like head kick them and that also like makes me laugh because it's such a horrible it is hard but it's very funny I know right it's so stupid it's very funny I know and then I feel like there should be like sense of humor tests

when you tell stories I know I feel that's all I feel like when I think of Estonia that's all I imagine as just people getting head kicked and as he's telling the story

and all the all the girls are like but I'm just laughing like a maniac I don't know why the visual of like smoke that's so aggressive you can kick out one knee and it'll crop

you can go all the way to the head you can sneeze on the back of the head of an old woman she's gonna fall you can look it. Oh, you can sneeze on the back of the head of an old woman. She's going to fall. You can take it down with a draft, you know. Also, just a kid lying in bed and never second guessing it. You know what I mean? Not just going to bed at night. And he was telling that story too.

Not like, oh, look what a horrible kid. He was like, oh, yeah. Like everybody was telling like, oh, when I was a kid, I was crazy. I was like, oh, I used to be. Yeah, two rocks and trains. I used to smell my cousin's bra like beat off you know

like something like that and then he's like oh yeah yeah I was crazy too we would just fucking almost kill these old people kicking them in the head

on ice you know they slide and they're fucking they're fuck dude that's like America's Funniest Home Videos

for Estonia it's just all real beatings to elderly but then yeah I knew him for a couple years I lived with him he was my roommate and then

and he was one of those guys always really aggressive to him always talking how much he fucks chicks you know too much you know those guys

your pussy it's so good and you're like uh huh so this poor guy was so trapped exactly and not coming out

that he had to and he never even even drunk he didn't but when he would get shit Uh-huh. So this poor guy was so trapped. Exactly. And not coming out that he had to. And he never even, even drunk, he didn't. But when he would get shit-faced, he would tell me like, oh, we should like fuck a girl. I'm like, mm-hmm, sure, yeah. Use that as an interval. Show us enough threesomes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I would always be like, yeah, yeah, wow.

Yeah, I don't need you. Like, no. I've never met a guy who starts the threesome with the guy you know like he didn't ever bring up which girl yeah yeah because you know because i get if it's the girl and me and tommy doing coke yeah and then the girl starts talking and then we look each other like should we you know but he was started with me yeah it's got the girl's got to drive the train on that's what i was yeah yeah you can't you can't be like dude you and me are gonna fuck someone exactly we have to yeah tonight's the night

what is estonia like now it's great it's amazing it's beautiful yeah there's only like uh what's it like 1.3 million or something yeah but i would say estonians, maybe like 900,000, something like that. Yeah. Are you from like the Tillamon? What's the name? Tallinn, yeah. No, I'm close to there. Everybody's from the same. Yeah. It's so small, you know.

There's only like three cities, right? Yeah, yeah. Proper cities, yeah. When do you go back? I was thinking about going maybe catch the end of summer, maybe. Do you have your green card yet? Not a green card, but I have like a work visa. Work visa visa work visa you're working your balls off baby you're funny as fuck working my balls off you see that he's a very talented man yeah do you guys see that just now that you

said that what do you mean do this yeah i don't know oh oh look at that look at that look at that look at that all notifications turned off but you. That means you're on tonight. I think so, yeah. Or do you have special... But like... Well, dude. I don't know about business or anything, right? So tell me. Do you guys get horrible casting calls

from your managers and agents? Do they give you... No, I don't have a manager. I have an acting agent right now for voiceover work and acting. I do for tires and this other thing I do. But I haven't had a manager. I took six years off of stand-up

so I stopped having a manager. So this is what I get yesterday. And they call... Okay, they ask me, what kind of acting do you want to do. Look at me and hear how I talk. There's only one thing I'm going to do. Yeah, terrorist.

Bond villain number three. Yes. Not the main Jacques Bardot who has to be like some dramatic. But I'll be the guy who has like a cool knife. I'll say it's your time to die. Yeah. And then you kill me. You'd be great like one of those squiggly knives

you'd be like the sweeter squiggly knife that I throw in a cool way like the good looking dummy who wants to be the badass of his crew that's what you'd be great for either that or you've already accomplished

everything and you're like a fucking insane masochist who kicks old women in the head. There's no way for you to rise to the ranks with your look and accent. So this is the role they sent. Unless he was his son. So this is the role they sent.

Yeah, Schwarzenegger wasn't good looking. He was just jacked. Schwarzenegger was good looking at the time. I don't think he was ever good looking. I don't know. I think he's good looking. He married Liv Shriver. She looks like a snake. She literally looks like a snake. Yeah, but maybe she's...

Liv Shriver? Not Liv Shriver. Maybe she's cool, you know. Shriver is like the voiceover guy. No, I know, I know. Dude, I've been watching Hard Knocks. That's what it is. What's her name is it a Shriver

Shriver something like that Shriver Maria Shriver Maria Shriver yeah oh I didn't even notice you said it wrong

yeah that's what you said see that's how close I was that's how close you were so this is the role so yesterday they call me like big news

sit down you know and I'm like it's the Bond movie I'm now Bond I'm Idris Elba you know that's my head they go okay send me the script and it's a script that starts off okay it's like a small

that's all i want small tiny two lines i leave right and they go meek bartender easily frightened what's the point meek and i wrote back you guys know that i sound like a fucking terrorist right yeah yeah like a daghestani yeah you know terrorist they go yeah it's more of a personality trait meek yeah that's offensive meek that's why i'm late because i took a bike ride up a mountain like me meek All three of us You don't hear a lot of scared people in movies with your accent And all three of us No meek

Yeah Yeah you look like a psycho There's no fucking meek There shouldn't be I'm a terrorist You're also Jack And you have that look like You have that look like you're gonna fillet me later

Chris could possibly I mean No You wear the fucking bar rag and a glass Send it You look like you're going to fillet me later. Chris could possibly do... I mean, you with a fucking ball rag and a glass? Send it. You look like an Irish pub owner. Exactly. Like, that I get.

But Meek is... Meek? Meek is a big fucking... These boys ain't Meek. Yeah. Does your manager know you? No, yeah, of course. You should take the audition.

And bring a different interpretation of it no i think well this is what i think hey if you want a mean in your movie i think you're if you watch my stand-up you know what you're gonna get i'm not the uh oh hello i'm not gonna be you know i'm the this guy yeah you're gonna get yeah yeah yeah well you're it is acting you're supposed to try to be something else no no I can yeah yeah but I get that

but also like oh and then another one if it's only two lines and then another one another one I got a couple of months ago son of

a famous Jewish actor you have to play his New England son what don't look Jewish wait can you do an American accent hello that's my time yeah that's what i got and i literally sent a voice memo no no when they said when they sent me that bartender being like hello i'm a pussy when they sent me that offer

i literally sent a voice memo to to to the to the agent that sent me that offer like this is my american accent how are you doing and he goes that sent me that offer like, this is my American accent. How are you doing? And he goes, that's great. I'm like, what? What is the scene? Did you read the lines? Oh, yeah.

I'm like the son playing football. No, no. The meek bartender. What makes you meek? Like that the guy, the customer, I get an order wrong and then he starts bullying me and I have to be like flinchy yeah

and the actor playing the guy who's bullying me five foot nothing do you know who he is yeah can you say it no

five foot nothing five foot nothing is he bald bald as fuck yeah it's what's his face Jason Alexander no

no nothing that big. He'd be great for this role. You get fucking... You get Jason Alexander as the bartender. The meek bartender? Yeah. And me as Jason.

Yes. Yeah. Dude, yeah. I'd take it. No, who's the fucking... What? European dude. Shaves his chest.

All right. That's all I'm saying. That's his chest. Boy, that's on there. That's all right. All right. This episode is brought to you by, you know it, you love it, Rocket Money. You guys, you got to get Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. With Rocket Money, I have full control over my subscriptions and a clear view of my expenses. I can see all of my subscriptions in

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Jason Statham. Statham. It's not him? No. No, no no not that big what are you kidding me dude no no

this guy's like NCIS season 4 oh okay like if you saw him you would recognize him but oh yeah alright

5 foot 8 anyway but yeah no I'm on the case dude with those roles I'm always like what the fuck

I'm on the case are you gonna do it though you might as well do it no no I mean not a cast no no I'll do it no no anytime dude tell me I'm always like what the fuck I'm only gay are you gonna do it though you might as well do it no no I mean not a cast no no I don't know anything no no no

anytime dude tell me I'm a meek gay man I am I'm him if you tell me but casting call

yeah you know yeah like you're gonna have to fucking try out for this yeah well to his point why don't you just have fun with it

yeah maybe I should do you have to record it? Is it just a phone? You should go. Is it a phone audition? Zoom, yeah, or something. Yeah, cool. Thanks.

I've only done one audition. I should talk you out of it. I want you to sit in this fucking pain and fuck them. Fuck them. They don't give a shit. It would be fun. I only did one audition ever, and it was for a hot dog commercial where you had to do a British accent

Like an old English accent do I do an old English? I can't We fall in doing so I'm like that. Okay, dude is for fucking it's okay I can work with it I think it was like a Super Bowl thing where you're supposed to be like doing it the whole for like four hours for like the puppy bowl A bunch of us went in for it and literally I went in there I said a line and a half maybe like I and they Do it British it's not bad Eh I hide behind this veil of a net eh Eh Sorry

Talk about fucking hot dogs then Eh Don't Don't about hot dogs Yeah I have to I have to retard it up Yeah You have to change your whole fucking face

Yeah How do you fucking You gotta be passionate To really dip into an accent This is my Like I think I would be good with accents If it was like a drama

Comedy The comedy comes out In British comedies Because of The dialogue And their goofy fucking accent To start Right

So British comedies are superior They're far superior Yeah cause it sounds so funny And they say whatever the fuck they want. They never had a woke bubble type shit. That is wild,

yeah. Are you still, I mean, listen to their 90s, early aughts, 2010s, 2020s. and all that shit.

Huh? Black Gator, you know Black Gator? No. I've heard of it. Yeah, big like us, 90s and brutal.

They're like kicking dogs, hitting women. Yeah, true. It's just your buddy show. The whole running room is Estonians people don't give a fuck oh yeah the woman no the only British experience I had was bombing an AT&T commercial which is gonna be national and pay a lot of money and i got to the final ad read or uh audition and they brought in who you're going to be paired with and this guy was

in like a tweed suit british folk yeah he's like sitting in the chair i have to come in walk into the room and there's the final producers and directors they narrowed it down to like three to five yeah you come with the script the script is a fucking monologue dude it's like my my script was so long i didn't give a fuck about it how do you yeah you do that dude i'm not i'm mentally like really disabled no my iq i think 12 to 17 like i've done the tests no it's tough dude remembering remembering here's the problem here's what i don't get yeah i know this is fucking remembering i know this is gay as hell i'm sorry but like memorizing monologues and and an actual dialogue within a script for an audition

there should be some leniency there going we just sent this to you this morning or oftentimes it's so like secret that they won't give you your sheet until you sit down in the audition room and then you have to memorize three paragraphs and on top of that you'll get casting directors that are like you said this one word wrong can we do it again and then you're in your head going well you just saw what i was capable of who cares what fucking word i missed it's not that important if I get the job I'll have three weeks

to learn the fucking script so they put that in your fucking head and I'm too crazy like I start going it ruminates dude and I get nuts about it and then I forget everything I already remembered

oh yeah yeah yeah so they said that to me I walked out this guy's doing his lines he's got three lines and a British accent the idea of the commercial was you're gay the deal is so good it you couldn't believe it coming out of an american's mouth ah british makes it sound more appetizing good script and professional

that makes sense right yeah it's happening i wouldn't buy from you right right and i kept fucking up so bad they got to like the fourth take and the one the one like i don't know where he was in the fucking hierarchy he put his paper over his head and he started doing that giggle like he farted in class yeah like he's shaking laughing laughing and then the last take i stopped myself and I was like guys thank you so much for having me I'm gonna leave and I just lied and I said I'm on Dayquil

oh really yeah I said I have a cold and it's not hitting I gotta go I'm so sorry

and I patted this guy on the shoulder thinking he's gonna get another shot with some other fucking monkey that's gonna come through right and I was like I'm so sorry man i gotta go and he's like it's all right

and then i fucked off the elevator in this uh audition such an american lie sorry i'm an insane person sorry i'm actually mentally 60 beers last night it's what i should have said but i'm like you should have said something i'm going to fucking something i'm gonna head cold yeah my brain i'm schizophrenic and uh that would have been so great i'm normally pretty good at memorizing lines but i'm fucking so i'm over we i get to the it's like an old production house in like East Manhattan. Yeah.

And we're on like the 17th floor. There's only one elevator. And I hit down and it took 20 to 30 minutes for this thing to ding. Sure enough, here comes a fucking British guy that I ruined his chances. Yeah. We have to ride this fucking monkey cart all the way down. And I just kept kicking my shoes, hands in pockets.

Sorry, man. Did he say anything? No, I just went, it's all right. He was pissed. I could see it in his face. He was like 10 years older than me. Bald, beard, just a perfect British. Did you do enough for him to get to his lines

no maybe the first or second take and they started giving me notes and specifics of notes and i was gone dude i like him i can't you give me three paragraphs of shit and you're gonna stick to the script yeah i'm out you just gave it to me you just gave it to me dude how am i going to learn this you booked that job on charisma and attitude you don't book that job on me saying the same fucking words Nancy wrote fuck you Nancy

give me the goddamn money let's get this guy a little fucking birthday present for his daughter I fucked up dude I was security guy number two in an action movie security guy number two in an action movie security guy number two all I gotta do is

I'm security guy number two so I'm like it's a it's like a museum building where SWAT comes to the roof you know with the glass shatter and the ropes and shit and I'm the guy behind the desk with that other security guy

and all I gotta do is pick up the phone and say, code red. That's all I got to do. Scene, glass, explosion. Bruh. Sa, sa, sa, sa, sa. The actor I'm with says my line because he read. He's security guy number one. I'm number two.

But he said security guy number two lines. So what I should have done he's security guy number one, I'm number two. Yeah. But he said security guy number two lines. So what I should have done is said security guy number one line, which was after that, where I go, let's get, I don't know, whoever the fuck, some name. Yeah. I should have done that. What I do is I say, stop. And I know, right? You stopped the whole thing.

Yeah, because I didn't even... I wasn't ready. I was ready to go with my line. He picks up the phone, says, my line. I go, stop. I mean, SWAT, dude, glasses everywhere. Explosion. Ah, hostages. Yeah.

And the director literally goes like this. Sorry. Yeah, what? Goes. Does this. Stop. Yeah, what? Goes. Does this? Free. Stop. I say again.

He goes. Okay. And he says, security guy number two fucked up. And I should have maybe said, oh no, he said my line. But I'm not going to

argue. Rat the guy out, yeah. You know what I did? I go to the trailer. Because they have to clean up all the ghosts. This is on set of this audition no no actually the glass people are i'm going in i'm in i'm the security you guys didn't do like a rehearsal see for something that i was requires all this i know see that's what i thought that it's like oh let's do a run through or something no nothing just go and i also mistimed that because I was riffing.

I was killing, dude. I was riffing all of a sudden and they're like, go. And I'm thinking it's the fake, let's just do a run through. Because I still had my lines, but they didn't take the lines away from me because the camera, it wasn't in the field of fucking view or whatever. And then when the glass goes, he says my line, you know, it's panic attack. So you know what I do? I go to the trailer,

the regroup, start getting hammered. Because they have to clean all the, they have to clean, they have to clean all the glass up and everything. This is why you're getting cheapest bartender, dude.

There's a red flag on your whole fucking IMdb dude no no no did eight million dollars worth of damage yeah yeah i like baldwin shot somebody yeah yeah stop um so and i mean the uh so we go to the trailer far as fuck and i get uh fucking lit up i'm waiting for them to restart and I'm in the so I go to the trailer far as fuck and I get fucking lit up I'm waiting for them to restart

and I'm like riffing to all the other actors I meet I'm riffing because some of them know me because it's in Estonia it's a Finnish American production but it's shot in Estonia

to be cheap okay so and I'm riffing I'm like killing you know I'm like talking about how badly I'm doing

it's been like two hours I'm like when are they going to riff after this? And then I hear the bell go off and it's like the end of the day. I just sat through, I'm still in the credits

of the movies, by the way, but they just, it was just an empty chair. Wait, you missed the next takes? I guess I did. I don't even know what happened because I heard the bell go off and they're all eating

and I just went home and I don't know what actually happened. Did you get paid yeah i mean the credits and everything yeah if you go yeah i don't know i don't know what happened see there's a pa that's like one of my three acting experiences there's got to be a pa that knows your location they have to walk you to that's what i was thinking come and get me or something they know exactly where you are all the time. But in the movie, it's just the guy says the call,

and it's just a swivel chair. But I think it was just through his voice, like, Codred. I just like that the PA was about to knock on your trailer door, and he just heard you, like, screaming. Just drunk as hell. Listen to Metallica. I don't

think we should bring him yeah swing the chair around i think it's just the director was having like a bad day and i think he just wanted to get the shit done maybe so he was like he's not here fuck it let's roll did they they didn't redo the glass break and all that shit right no they had to redo everything they've redid explosions you. Explosions, you know. What kind of glass brick are we talking? Like, is it like a... Like the, you know, from the ceiling. That's a lot of work. Yeah.

You said they redid that in two hours? I think so. I don't know. I went to the trailer. I don't know, like, what was going on. Did you have your own trailer?

No, it was like where everybody, all the extras and... The grain room. Yeah. I'm stressed out, man. That's so funny that's like a george costanza thing just like yeah i don't know i'm i got paid and then i did another movie i got i got credit i did another thing when i was like uh i was supposed to do parkour in a TV series. But I wasn't very good at parkour.

Like I didn't have the really cool... Dude, nobody's good at parkour except for the top 1%. I can't believe you're still worried about Meek Bartender. This seems like pretty easy compared to... I mean, I did parkour. I could run up like a wall that's my height, but I couldn't do like an awesome... Like bouncing off the walls up?

I wouldn't call it a bounce I mean you did a jump and then off the wall and then grabbed it and pulled up I mean I ran towards

I ran towards the wall and hoped and hoped for the best like I wouldn't say it looked crazy I feel like this is like what people from his land do

right isn't that like the best parkour dudes are from like Yeah, the Russian northern Europe, but Russian parkour also like like French parkour like black guys. They do the cool It looks awesome. Yeah, and they like fit in through small stuff. Yeah, and then do a flip Yeah, Russian parkour is like I'll climb up on the Yeah, like just jump on the pavement and they're so retarded they don't break a bone.

It's in my repertoire of violent videos that I like watching is the guys falling, free climbing and falling off of like high buildings. The best one of that

is the guy doing the pull-ups. Yeah, the Asian one? Yeah, this guy just does pull-ups. Yeah, I've seen that one. Yeah, yeah. And then he gets tired and can't get up. 70 floors? guy doing the pull-ups yeah the asian one yeah this guy just does pull-ups yeah yeah yeah and then he gets tired and can't get up 70 floors something's fucking insane yeah i've never yeah just pop tart all over the fucking concrete but yeah even even the fucking bike riders the guys that go along that little trail it's like a walking trail yeah yeah yeah along like south

american mountain yeah yeah yeah cliffs and you'll just see him go i saw one a couple days ago there's this fat business guy and apparently there's this birthday trip and he jumps off this higher level onto a base before the cliff ends. That's the width of this room. Uh-huh. But he's so unathletic and chunky, and he's wearing, like, a fucking suit. And the whole idea is for him to jump and then just say hi.

But his fat fucking skull and his belly took his full momentum, and he just continued to roll off this cliff for, like like 300 feet in front of all of his family. Died? No. Very funny.

Oh, he's dead. Dead? Oh, man. I said 300 feet. He just rolled down the side of a cliff. Yeah, but if you're rolling down the side of a cliff, you can... He just fell off like a goat?

What do you think's on the side of a cliff? Mattresses? He could bounce a little bit. I always see penguins do it. Penguins. I do. You always see penguins jumping off and shit. They don't have bones. It's just all jelly. Yeah, they do. It's all filled with

gummy bears. Memory foam. Wait, so you did parkour in this movie? I was supposed to. It was like, and I had lines there. But it was like a low budget TV series. And same thing happened to me that I just couldn't time the lines. And then, have you ever had where they just skim your lines until you just nod?

No. Yeah, I did that. They just kept cutting the line down shorter and shorter? you just gave them i gave a nod and just jumped and then the jump yeah there was like a jump and the jump also i i don't remember what footage to use but i think they cut to another guy jumping too i think i just did a nod. It was a black guy. Yeah, totally. No, that's a huge pay reduction, too, because you're not speaking in it. I think I literally got $25 no matter what happened. Yeah, I was going to say, that's a pizza hut card. Cut your lines in a series.

You're fucked. That sounds fun, though. Doing anything that's legit, there's always, like, background actors. Yeah. And you'll see some, like, fucking, I don't know, some amateur hack that really doesn't act. But, like, they want to, it's like a, I don't know how to explain this, but just some theater girl. Yeah. That's in a scene.

And they're like, just stand there. And then you start to do the dialogue and then she'll just out of nowhere just say something to get it in what and then you're oh yeah you have to get something it happens all the time because if they take that take they have to pay her for speaking role yeah and also and it's always some fucking non-sag non-union fucking twat guy or girl the people you talk to off set that are just so annoying and they're just happy to be there, happy to stand there for 10 hours,

and they'll just say something in between the two characters making dialogue. I'm like, yeah, that's crazy. Because if they take that, she gets paid six times more than she was going to. But also isn't it about just getting, you know, because that's the problem about extras. Extras are not extras. You know, they try to. But also, it's about just getting, you know, like your, because that's the problem about extras, when extras are not extras,

you know, they try to, yeah, this is my shot. I did that one time, like I tried, like, you tried to work your way in.

All I did, I was like maybe, I was 18 years old or something and it was like a mass, it was a big movie, but it was a mass scene, so they, there was no audition,

you just go up and like 200 of us are supposed to run and I look straight into the camera and I'm like, So there was no audition. You just go up. And like 200 of us are supposed to run. And I look straight into the camera. Trying to run like Tom Cruise. Like trying to be super cool. And again, stop.

And the director goes, don't do that. And I'm like, okay, sure. Yeah. 18. When did you start acting? There was always like those small... Do you guys have like in america those facebook groups where they just search for extras or shit is there always productions happening i don't know i've never i've never even i've never looked into it i have no idea maybe estonians

are such a small like a fucking community it's always the same you see the same actors same extras yeah i'm sure there are even fucking ph fucking Philadelphia when we first started, the major audition houses and casting houses. Who just throw shit on Facebook? Just regular people. I never even thought to look. I also thought it was too insane. Anything John and I had to film, we'd just go to this one production house,

and it's like, they're not like actors. They're just people that have jobs. They're just like, I'd like to do that. So they get on set, and you're like're like you gotta hit them with a stick you gotta tell them when to sit you know yeah yeah my favorites are actors that start to do stand-up no hilarious they just live in vancouver that's also like a film place yeah a lot of movies there and always dudes from la would show up and oh my god just that open mics hello but it's kind of fun it's fun to watch that yeah yeah yeah because like the cringe level is like it's seeing someone who thinks they're something

and they're always just acting the whole time yeah that's That's fun. Right? It's like watching a bomb from the back of the That upsets me too much. I prefer a regular weirdo. Yeah, I like mix them up. No, no, I don't like an acting weirdo. I like just a regular kook. Give me a charcuterie

board of bombs. The normal crazy people that just start doing stand-up. Yeah. That's what I like. I don't like an actor doing it.

And also being crazy. I'm 60 years old. I'm going to start doing stand-up. Yes, what I like. I don't like an actor doing it. Philly had a lot of like, I'm 60 years old. I'm going to start doing stand-up. Which I love. There was like three 60-year-old dudes. Yeah. And their characters were so perfectly them, but they didn't know how to do comedy. They would just be them. And they always listened.

You know what I like about actors? When you give them feedback, like you talk about stand-up, they always listen. I remember I told this one guy he wasn't gonna make it anyway and he was like huh you know like I was telling about the theory like the whole tradition of like you know like there's a saying in magic that the best magicians are not the ones with the best tricks but the ones who sell it the best same thing with stand-up you have to be you kind of have to look as if it's yeah yeah yeah and that guy didn't and i was like he was like how are you so like appear so loose and i'm just

like oh i just fucking leave it's been natural lean against shit he's like lean against it okay and he goes he goes on stage that night. It's so funny. Did he lean against a wall? There's a wall here. There's a wall here. But the wall also has a curtain. So you think it's a wall. No, no, no.

So you can see that it actually goes through. But he had such a nervous breakdown when he didn't feel anything come down. You would see him hold his hand up the whole set as if he's leaning. But he's totally standing straight. And you can see sometimes distance between him and the curtain set as if he's leaning, but he's totally standing straight. And you can see sometimes distance between him and the curtain, and he's just trying to be loose. He just starts miming like fucking... That's actually funny.

Yeah, when I saw that, I was like... That's actually funny as fuck. Yeah, yeah. When I saw that, I was like, that's my boy. I was like, that's my... I'm gonna mentor him now. Yeah. So then next time, maybe two weeks later, he comes to the mic.

He's always nice leather jacket, because he thinks the leather jacket says, I don't give a fuck. And I was like, yeah, that's great. You're crazy. Yeah, he's like, fuck yeah, I'm fucking. But actually, super nice guy. I was like, yeah, you just got to be fucking wild. And he would try all this wild, kooky, calculated, just bomb into silence, being like... Then one week I went over to his house.

I needed to see his house. He's a psycho, you know? He's got a nice and poor wife, you know? And he's like, you know, struggling actor, trying to get into stand-up, doesn't get anything what's happening with stand-up. Clearly, I was trying to get to the bottom of him too, like trying to see what's your...

Like, who are you you know nothing no no there's nothing there so then one time I go over to his place I smoke weed

Immaculate House the wife you know oh you have a friend over yeah yeah he's Ari from Estonia he does that I'm smoking weed

you know I'm like yeah fucking Neil's crazy you know just telling his wife his wife is scaring the shit out of the woman yeah we like comedy i'm who's oh and i remember i asked the wife like who what comedians you guys watch together they're like we

love jeff dunham you know i'm like oh i got this motherfucker so then i start showing i get him high you know he's going through like you know he doesn't smoke weed so he's like yeah i don't know about my life you know he's like i show him like was he smoking with you yeah i show i get him high as shit before the gig so i show him like bernie mack you know i show him like bill burton philadelphia i'm like you just gotta go at it you know and then we we have an open mic at the spot called junction which is a gay bar super cool open mic but the thing is it's like a gay club it's like a nightclub but during the day they would have comedy and the stage is a nightclub stage uh like maybe you're the audience if there's an audience

is about 600 to 700 feet from the stage it's like an empty club like imagine sunset but we're chilling at the bar oh my god great right Great. Right. So, and you know, I show him, he's high. I show him Bernie Mac, you know, I'm like, you gotta get him. And he's like,

yeah, I heard the gay rooms kind of thing. Please tell me he says what's up. Yes. Yes. And I go, and I go, he's kind of nervous,

you know, he's like, oh, it's the, cause the people always go like, don't say anything. Actually, it was not like that.

It was just open micers would just bomb and say fag. Of course, that's not going to go well. Yeah. You know, let's say fag all the time in vancouver yeah yeah so but i don't you gotta fucking go at him you know you gotta attack you know what's the first line of defense is attack and uh he doesn't go he doesn't say what's up faggots i think he tried a bit and then he then uh he and he literally did like a bilber Like fag And I think he He said something like oh was that not funny enough For you fags

Silence And I never saw him again He left the mic and I never saw him again He didn't even write to me on Facebook I thought we were friends or something Well you messaged him on Facebook I didn't message him either He just disappeared from the scene hey man you killed last night yeah he killed four gay guys damn that's almost

worse than kicking someone i love it damn yeah when they were but there's when the open mic circuit is all insane people yeah with hanging out with other insane people we literally just talked about was it last show or i don't know just talked about this like the open mic scene is there's a small pot of comics that are actually good and working on stuff yeah and then 80 of that is insane people which i want to belong to something and just hang out and they get stage time. So they feel like they're part of a community because that's all they're looking for. And they found that stand-up is one of those inclusive environments where they just come up and just say ridiculous shit to silence. Still come off stage because they're fucking brain dead and crazy.

And like, that was fun as fuck, dude. I'll see you next week. Yeah, but I love those guys. Those guys are my favorite. I'll invite those guys. I'll get them them do the green room at mothership as soon as possible

yeah if I yeah if you're having like mental breakdowns and thinking you're killing you're my boy yeah I'm gonna start

a podcast with you yeah I always like that just an unhinged I used to fuck with oh my god I used to fuck with so many people dude

what's the Estonian comedy scene like? Amazing, if you're me. Is there other Estonian comics? There's like seven or eight. Yeah. Then I really saw

how Chip comes through, immediate success, but then you know women. Because they're hot? You know women, they don't want it! Yeah. No, but like,

really small scene, and actually good comedians. The seven to eight guys guys they're all like almost 10 years in now the scene is amazing just because you know that former communist country a bunch of fucking empty theaters made by soviet russia creates that tension yeah and then when the soviet union uh collapses there's that release of energy so culturally that's really good for you. Yeah, of course. That's that classic, like, what is it? Good times, great fags.

Bad times, great shingles. I don't know. I don't know what the thing is. Good times, great fags. That's something. What the quote is, you know, good, bad times, great men. Yeah, something like that.

Tommy Pope is a rapist. I don't know what the quote is. I like this. Keep it going. I don't know what the quote is. No, you gotta, let's make bumper stickers. But culturally, that's the same. If there's like, for in order to be released,

which is laughter, there needs to be tension. Draconian overlords, yeah. But you guys are from Philadelphia, right? Also like a grimy kind of place, no? Yeah, of course. Like with the weather and you gotta take a bus and, you know. I think that's going to be my only setback here in Texas is the change of seasons. I'm going to miss that.

For sure. Yeah. The fall here is like, you know, it's like spring there, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know how bad it gets. Oh, it's a little breeze. This is fine. It's a little breeze.

This is fine. Summer's fine. Yeah, summer is fine. But it's too hot. It's not. It's not? No. Yeah, it's not too bad. I don't think it's fine yeah it's a little breeze this is fine summer's fine yeah it's too hot it's not it's not no yeah it's not too bad i don't think it's been yeah i don't think i yeah oh yeah maybe for you guys i don't think it's been at all it's been how cold is it in estonia cold as fuck dog all the time yeah yeah it's like the opposite no actually summer is very warm not this warm but it's very nice yeah full four full four seasons. You know, snow, spring, fog.

What is the... There's water? There's water. It's mostly Greenland, right? No, we have water, lots of islands. It's 50% forests? Yeah, so many fucking forests. And then you have swampland?

Lots of swamps. Not the exciting swamps that like Australia has. Yeah. Where you like lose your wife mysteriously. Yeah. But like the... Wetlands. Mild annoyance. Yeah. But like the... Wetlands. Mild annoyance.

Yeah. But it's beautiful. It's super beautiful. I heard Croatia is like fucking... Well, yeah. The mountains and fuck. Yeah. Croatia is amazing.

Isn't that where they filmed... Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones? Yeah, yeah. In Split, yeah. And it's cheap as hell going to Croatia. Cheap as hell. Dude.

Yeah. I got to stop vacationing in America. Oh, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so stupid. How expensive do you think a flight is to Croatia? It's like 800 bucks back and forth. To Estonia, it's 700 back and forth with one connection from here.

It's not bad at all. Dude, I bought a flight to Philadelphia for $1,000. Oh, yeah, connections here, it's harder to get to Detroit than it is to Estonia. Like, that's a fact. It's 13 hours to Estonia from here with one connection in Frankfurt. They give you a sausage and an ass slap and a little kiss. And then you're on your merry way. To Detroit, you got to blow guys.

Yeah. Any European flight I've ever been on, it's like unlimited wine and booze. It's easy. Everyone's so fucking nice. Yeah. Even if you're just in economy. Yes. There's first class and then everything else is

a little lower first class. They just take care of you. But it's crazy when you get to the airport and you go to the terminal where American flights go. I had my friend over here visiting and she said that she knows she's getting closer to her gate. She fatter people? Because the noise yeah

yep last time cindy actually americans have no inside voices dude i was at the cafe today two white women next to me it landed like it sounded like a 747 is landing yeah they're not they're like alley cats, dude. They're fucking, they're disgusting women that just think everything they say is important. So loud. And if they say it louder, it matters something. Oh, then yesterday at my cafe, dude, stop with MacBooks and like turning it into your office.

This is your first experience with this? There's never enough seats at this fucking cafe. Yeah. Hey! Get the fuck out of here. I have a notebook. I'm cool. This is the worst I've ever seen it in Texas, honestly.

The spreading out here. Because people normally, they'll bring their computer and they'll fucking work right in front of them. Spreadsheets. Multiple laptops. Yeah, it's like, their computer and they'll fucking work right in front of them. Spreadsheets. Multiple laptops. Bags like a rolling bag full of shit.

Cooling pads for the laptop. Cooling pads. Bring a desktop. There was a dude in a story at a Starbucks that would bring a PC. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to kill you. He would plug in a fucking PC. Yes, bring Derek Chauvin. He'd be just walking up with an internet cable being like, can I? Yeah. He plugged in a whole fucking tower.

So yesterday, I go to the cafe, all MacBooks with fake business, you know, they're all fucking selling scarves and whatever the fuck startup. There, one table next to a lady with, she's got two laptops two two laptops papers everywhere it's not going good papers everywhere that the table next door is empty i go you know like a cool guy i get high right right i go can i scooch in there that's a cool

line to say that's what you guys say yeah can i scooch yeah can i give you a scooch yeah you know can i scooch in there yeah she grabs the other table goes actually i have a meeting starting in two minutes and then three other like middle-aged women and they have a came in and said you know what i did had my coffee standing up standing next to them i need to see what this meeting is about i love it so they're uh So the company, they do soap. Natural soap. They're selling soap. Soap, soap, soap, soap, soap.

So they did a Zoom meeting. Soap. At a coffee shop. The CEO whore that comes in, Dunkin' Donuts coffee comes in. Wait, she didn't even buy a coffee? Didn't even buy. Dunkin' Donuts. Dunkin' Donuts.

That's the most disgusting fucking That's so disrespectful That's so disrespectful I hate the soap I hate the people constantly making more and more Natural stuff It's like give me the chemicals I don't mind

Oh absolutely I tried one of those lavender Fucking washing liquid detergent My cum is everywhere Wait are you talking about Dr. Bronner's? It adds cum and shit to my ponder pants. Dr. Bronner's? No, I don't know. It was $20. Dr. Bronner's sucks.

I hate Dr. Bronner's. I need that old school fucking tie to make your eyes stink. You need Irish Spring. My cum and shit, you need that old remember those commercials

where there was a village of shit bacteria and they fucking tide comes in and rapes and pillages that village yeah that's what I need

yeah what's lavender gonna do to my cum are you jerking off into your underwear what are you jerking off into your underwear

or are you just you're just milking you're just leaking? Wait, this is a long pause. Everything is happening at my place. It's Fun City. I'm a single guy, bed sheets, underwear. It's a different level.

You have a girl? Yeah. Are you talking about leakage after beating off? Are you talking about just constant? Everything is just disgusting. We said the same thing. Like, the inside of your underpants should always have slug streams.

You know what I mean? It's crazy. I always have old cum on the inside. Yeah. Always cum. Because you beat off and then flip back up. I do every day. Yeah.

You're going to have some slug... Yeah, some drip. It's bad. It's post cum drip. For your post. You're going to have some slug. Yeah, some drip. It's bad. Post-cum drip. Free your post. You're going to have some smudge. It's bad. Well,

I would jerk off into my underwear. Because it's already dirty. Oh my God. It's got to be clean already. Wait, you beat off and then grab your underwear outside or are you beating off

while your underwear is on? No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no? No, no, no. He just comes and then you're off. I would jerk off into it. And then hold it like this? Yeah, and then I would throw it in the laundry. Do you come into the underwear like, yeah, you little slut.

Take some of that. Yeah, but who's doing the laundry? You're not doing it. Yeah, yeah, I was doing the laundry. Oh, you were doing the laundry. Yeah, well, the people down the street were doing the laundry.

Oh, this poor fucking Vietnamese mother. Oh, this poor fucking Vietnamese mother. Oh my God. You're leaving a jellyfish in your fucking underwear on the outside to give it to the fucking agent? Yeah.

That's so fucking not... This poor immigrant woman. Yeah, there's fucking shit in there anyway. Oh my God. Because I would always wake up with a super itchy ass and just scratch my ass

so bad with the underwear too. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh my God. Because I would always wake up with a super itchy ass and just scratch my ass so bad with the underwear too. Uh-huh. You have like a lavender extract and you're going to fucking... And they would just clean that right up for me. And then I'd come back and have freshly folded clean underwear. Did these Koreans ever look you in the eye

when you dropped off your fucking loan? Yeah, dude. You dropped off at that Korean foreign immigrant she's gonna move back to she's thinking about moving back to North Korea after watching this everything's better

I was saying the same thing he was saying I'm single, I'm in there but you weren't I was in Queens I was like, I'm single. I'm in there. Yeah, but you weren't. I was in Queens. Oh my God. Hilarious. Even a 16 year old would be like,

you gotta, I'd talk to his parents and be like, tell him to stop leaving jellyfish on the outside of the park. I don't know, people just say

they jerked off into a sock. I would never do that. When you, yeah, I don't understand any of that shit. The sock?

It's so crazy. The whole crispy sock fucking thing is like, never, it's so abrasive. Why would you even think that's okay? Also, you're giving a clue to your parents going, I'm beaten off.

The whole objective of masturbation, whether you're fucking 16. When you were a kid, remember when you thought that your parents don't know what's up? Oh, yeah. Of course. But still, you don't want to give them fucking,

you know, you're not giving them clues dude dude i remember colonel mustard in the fucking did you guys then using them when you when you were kids and you had like a wet dream did you like blast nuts all over your fucking bed sheets and then just go to school come back everything's clean i dude i don't know i like i i think i discovered how to jerk off before I had a wet dream. I've never had a wet dream. Really? I would just blast loads night to night with my mom even.

Fuck. Never once. Sleeping with your mom? No. What do you mean? What did you say with your mom? Like that I'm in my bed, black, go to school, come back,

clean, you know, everything's clean. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah oh you sleep under underwearless you sleep oh yeah yeah all naked every day all day yeah i've never slept underwear do you wear underwear now uh not my i do right now uh just because i noticed that these jeans you know there's they start to hole out it's a compromised situation here. Is this like a... If I was opening for Brian Simpson, I don't care. But for Rogan... No underwear.

You would normally not wear underwear? There was a phase when I... Like 18 to 22 where I went commando like all the time. It feels amazing.

Yeah, but you're getting your fucking balls all over your jeans. Yeah, and it just makes it harder. The jeans or your nuts? You're putting a callus getting your fucking balls all over your jeans. Yeah, and it just makes it harder. The jeans or your nuts? You're putting a callus on your fucking penis. Yeah, because like the chain.

I don't agree with this. I know. No, no, no. I'm 32 now. Trust me. It was a phase. Are you snipped? Do you have a hooded sweatshirt on your penis?

No, we're European. We don't snip little children. All right, all right. So you protect. You have a clitoris underneath the hood, essentially. It's very, right? Yes. It's very sensitive.

But I come already too quick, so I guess I think I need to maybe rough it out a little more. I don't believe in that. Throw it on the mat. I don't believe in coming too quick. What do you mean? I come way too quick. No, there's no such thing. They're so happy if you come quick. What do you mean? I come way too quick. No, there's no such thing. They're so happy

if you come quick. Not my experience. Really? They've got mad at you? I wish I could just give you a pipe for at least... No, you gotta just be like, oh my god, you're so hot. Are you taking these

women home from the club? No, I don't do that. How are you dating? I bang my God. 20 minutes. You're so hot. Are you taking these women home from the club? No, I don't do that. No? How are you dating? I bang my friends. No, but if you couldn't come for 20 minutes, that's a prison sentence. No, that's amazing. Dude, I wish I could never come and just keep-

No, no, no, no, no. Keep raiding you until you tap out. That day is coming. Dude, I got no, no. Keep raiding you. That day is coming. Until you tap. That day is coming. Dude. Until you. I got to be honest. I learned how. I want a big dick that I can't even fuck with. No, you don't. Like a big organ.

Largest dick on Twitter. It just can't get hard? Yeah, I want that. Like that he can't even have sex. That's my orgasm. No, I feel bad. When you go like, I think that's a condition. That's what I want.

It's just a fucking deformed. Yeah, you just want to be docked at? This dude had a dick that was down that's a condition. That's what I want. It's just a fucking deformed. Yeah, you just want to be docked at. This dude had a dick that was down the hill. Yeah, that's what I want. Some Indian dude. Like just a... He had to put a... His mom made him a mechanism.

It was just a sock puppet. And it just had a string for when he pissed and shit. Or shit rather. And he would wrap it around here so his dick would sit up here like an elephant's trunk. I watched it. It was it oh my god mini dude and he walks with a limp and you could see this fucking hog like down to his shin flopping through the right side of his

pain yeah that's what i want no no yeah like one of those little garden holes like roller upper things oh man i feel bad for dudes like that I'd take a micro penis Over that fucking thing Stop No you You have to You can't No one's touching that thing You can't fold that into a

He can't put that Into a mailbox Who's taking that Fucking dick This is soft It was like this And this Yeah yeah yeah

Like coke cans Stacked Yeah That's what I want Like the dear wizard staff Yeah the wizard staff That's what I want You the wizard staff yeah the wizard staff that's what i want you guys do that as kids with your staff you take a beer every beer you drink you tape it to another one no but we feed each other you ever do that no uh you guys ever do something uh like

like creepy with when you were a kid with your other buddy or something yeah that's what we're talking about what were you guys doing I never have he has what did you do

he sucked his friend's dick really you sucked it I did suck my friend's dick when I was like 5 4 or 5 yeah that's fun it was

because you don't know the rules yeah you're just a freak you're just a fucking prince you should know the rules you're banging everything my mom

my mom found us doing it she was furious furious yeah yeah also like that's too much for an adult you know what I mean it's the 80s

no one was talking about it yeah nobody talks this isn't in the literature yeah of course not you know what I mean so it's like she walked in it was like

yeah I mean we could have been cutting up cats and she would have been it was the same reaction probably yeah it's probably just like what is happening what the what do you know what do you not know you know what i mean weren't you six nine and two yeah oh yeah under under a blanket yeah i was like when i was like eight eight nine seven, something where it's just like you don't know the rules, but something's happening.

Me and my friend would go to an abandoned container where construction workers live. What's that in English? You know where you have that fucking... A shipping container. A shipping container. You know that's converted into a living compartment? Yeah. But it was abandoned.

So we go in there and what we would do is like one of us would lie down like uh on the floor like uh pee pee down right yeah belly down and then the other would like rub through the underwear you would rub your wee wee on his butt cheeks and then we would alternate and eat katya's candy remember Remember Katya's? The organic candy. When did you eat the candy? While you're doing it? Stop asking about the candy. Yeah, while we're doing it. What the fuck?

You're interested about the sugar? Did you like come and roll over and have a piece of candy like a cigarette? No, not come, but it would feel good like a massage. Nobody brought your buddy

killed himself. That's not him. But we didn't know. Is your tainer coming? But we didn't know. But we didn't know. What the fuck? We would like

take our be in our underwear take our clothes off and then we would just alternate and it would feel like a good massage you would just glide

your dick inside your friend's ass yeah like against like in between the butt cheeks you know and feel amazing and then one time

it was like a spot and then what you jump on your bikes and head home yeah what the fuck dude I gotta piss dude it's fun that a spot and then what you jump on your bikes and head home yeah what the fuck dude I gotta piss dude it's fun

that's wild and then and then one time like a guy ended up like like an old guy came in I think it was like

the site manager or whatever oh and like found us it was like abandoned but it was still like fenced off yeah and he like saw us

and we weren't in the middle of action we were just in our underwear and you know what he did he just left he was like oh yeah yeah he was like fuck this dude you can't be seen yeah exactly you cannot be seen And he saw us. And we weren't in the middle of action. We were just in our underwear. And you know what he did? He just left. He was like, fuck this. You can't be seen. Yeah, exactly.

You cannot be seen. You can't go in and break that up. Exactly, yeah. Because you look... If another person comes, you're fucked. Exactly, you can't take us to our parents. Like, I found your boys in their underwear. They were both in their underwear. They were fucking in my trailer.

Yeah, you go straight to jail. But I think it's good to talk about that stuff in the sense that it's just your young kids you don't know what the fuck you're doing no no yeah but it also does feel like because i think it's worse if uh if uh if you do something like that and you have a traumatic experience like even your mother's reaction is actually bad oh of course it's actually bad we were talking about this yesterday where there was like Luke's Luke Tuma's buddy in high school. I gotta go soon, sorry.

Yeah, yeah. We're done. Luke Tuma's buddy in high school fucked someone's mom. Uh-huh. And then got so freaked out he went and told his own mom about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, then becomes a fucking town-wide scandal. Yeah, for sure. That's where the trauma is. Yeah. Otherwise, you could have just done something weird in isolation and no one ever would have found out.

That's better. Just live with it buried deep inside of you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I made the mistake of telling the whole world that I fucked a kid when I was four. No, that's what you have to do. You have to get that out.

You got to get it out. You got to get it out, yeah. Yeah, I fucked a transsexual. My brother's living with my ex-girlfriend. Really? You did? Yeah. Yeah.

In the ass? Yeah. I didn't know until we were in this little booth. What was it like? We were doing drugs. Was it the converter? I got hit. The converter?

I got hit in the inside. The old wang. I love that. But you know, that's how... See, that's how... But that shows me what? You know what it shows me? You're so straight

that you can have a dick slap, but if you're horny believing the fantasy, that's how straight you are. You can get over it. A gay guy would have an issue. Yeah. I'm so straight that you can fuck. Thank you.

That's a great argument. Thank you. I'm so straight. Did I fuck a guy? Yeah. That's how straight I am. Yeah. I imagine it was a wolf.

Exactly. I'm so straight, dude, that if it's me and Tommy Pope on an island, we're banking each other. That's how fucking straight I am. 100%. And feel, dude. Yeah. That's how fucking straight I am. And feel, dude. I'm so straight that if you get me drugged up and fuck me up the ass because we get a bit crazy

the next morning, you know, dude, I don't have to go to therapy and shit. I take a shower, give you a fist bump like touche, and move on with my life. I'm not like, am I, am I, am I? What do I do? Dude, I'm fucking cool dude i bang dudes and feel nothing dude i gotta go see you let's go