Stuff Island - Shoulder Off the Buttstock - Mike Cannon - Stuff Island #152

Episode Date: September 25, 2024

Mike Cannon a New York based stand up comic. Mike has been on Comedy Central, is the cohost of Chrissy Chaos Podcast, and his new comedy special "Traumatized Animal" is out now for free on Youtube! Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en -Follow Mike on IG: https://www.instagram.com/iammikecannon/?hl=en Head to squarespace.com/STUFFISLAND to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code STUFFISLAND. Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off of your Starter Pack (that's over 40% off) with promo code STUFFISLAND at shopmand.com! #mandopod Take the first step towards achieving your hair growth goals. For a limited time Nutrafol is offering our listeners 10 dollars off your first month's subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutarfol.com/men and enter promo code STUFF Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

he's an athlete that was a good huddle break that felt good it's fun it feels like uh like a like a drunk beagle looking at itself you know what i mean you know people is that like gray hair on the side you're like i'm a poor guy or two schnauzers he's too old two yappy my wife had two schnauzers growing up with the gray beard hanging down. One of which died early. Another, like, survived 38 strokes. Yeah. And I'm not kidding.

Like, it had a stroke at the top of her steps, fell down the full flight, got up, shook it off, and continued on with life. Oh, my God. It was nuts. But basically, same exact. It might be that limp thing. Like, you know, you get knocked out and you roll down a hill, like skiing. If you weren't totally knocked out, you'd get hurt. But you're just like, you know, you're Rubber Band Man.

You're just Jacob's ladder down the entire... Just slinky down every fucking mogul. No, you do. You look like me after the gym. And then I look like me after a night out. You look great. Yeah. I just find you very attractive.

Thanks, bud. Always have. Always will. Well, this is a man that doesn't have to say no homo. You know what I mean? We've been going through that with our fans. Oh, really? Yeah.

Too many no homos for giving a guy a compliment. Yeah. I mean, it's back in vogue now with Mason and Cameron. Oh, true. So it's fun to say. And Diddy and Meek ain't helping anything. Just clapping cheeks. You believe's fun to say. And Diddy and Meek ain't helping anything. Just clapping cheeks. You believe in that?

Yeah. Yeah, the audio sounds pretty good. I believe in anything that's entertaining. So the fact that, like, that came out and it's who knows whose voices those are. Like, it could belong to nobody but P. Diddy and Meek. Yeah, it's like two women talking bullshit about the neighborhood. As long as it's not my house, I'm entertained. Yeah, this is great. Tell me about charlie what do you do is that you're close to home as a as a philadelphian though like is that talking to neighbors no meek mill oh no no i don't i don't

it's fine right i mean i hope it's not him but yeah i hope it's i hope it's he sounds like he's having fun yeah so i'm fine if it's him the problem comes when he's like I hope it's, he sounds like he's having fun. Yeah. So I'm fine if it's him. The problem comes when he's like, you know, he's hiding his truth. Yeah, right. I feel bad for him. Yeah. Be out, dude. If it's you. Bring out fucking, roll out that glitter Bentley and fucking be yourself, man.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's hard seeing how hardcore his rap is. Yeah. Every time he's got an Instagram release, I'm just going right to the comments to see how many Diddy comments are up there first. Yeah. But their fans are coming back.

The fans are coming back. It's like when we post something on YouTube as an entertainer that's straight. You know? The first hour, it's all the worst pieces of shit. Of course. Just throwing hate. All your ex-girlfriends logged in as dan 68 she doesn't even get the 69 joke she's just fucking retarded uh and then the

fans come in there and they push all they wash it out but i will say i mean he didn't do himself any favors in the immediate aftermath we're just like it more or less was that chapelle joke where he's like you ever get accused of banging somebody that you didn't. You're like, I didn't fuck that bitch. Believe me, please believe me. I don't,

I mean, I, I, I believe it too. I'm, I'm, I'm excited to see what happens to Diddy. Yeah.

I want to see if this becomes like a huge conspiracy. Like, you know, he's got to get Epstein type shit. I think, I mean, I think is he a fed all this type of stuff throughout all of show show business this might bring the whole circus down i'm into the relation for like the guy who shot at trump no he was a security guard for diddy's parties no shit or he was like a

member of diddy's realm okay um he would like fuck all the underage girls there and now he's the one popping off on the golf course at Trump and they're all saying he's a fed anyway just weird layers Kanye was the first one I don't know what the layers are it's like a bean dip

how far do I want to go down right to the cheese I'm good I'm touching that weird green's i'm into it though because i love the it never even dawned on me that this was a thing until the epstein stuff when they were like they went into his house they raided likely to get information or to like get stuff out to protect certain people and i was like damn i've never even thought of that as a thing and then people immediately said that about Diddy. And they're like, they're actually going in there and just taking out all the stuff that could incriminate Jay-Z or whoever that they still have working for them.

People working for them. It's like, damn, dude. I mean, I am so susceptible to believing stuff that just like sounds fun. The older you get, the easier it is. No wonder these fucking old ladies are answering calls by Haitians and giving them all their money. Because you're just, you slowly. Just handing over their cats? Yeah.

Here, take it. Here's my cat. Here's 10 grand inside the cat. You get it. And you got to eat it. Eat your way through my cat's ass. No, it's like, you know, you get older and you start losing your fucking marbles a bit. Yeah.

Everything becomes reasonably understandable understandable how it could possibly get there i also i'm into blaming things like i'm into having a reason for why my life has fallen behind yeah yeah you know like that's a that's a big oh yeah i used to host a conspiracy podcast and all the dudes that we interviewed wait what yeah let's go dude early in the early in the podcasting game called deep inside the rabbit hole we actually broke up over flat earth so no no well because like i was that's that's fucking conspiracy 101 how'd you guys make it past there dude and so we didn't get to it until later our hardcore truther guy who was like really into 9-11 being an inside job which i was like for sale on yeah tell me let me know yeah was into sandy hook not even being an active school there

were no real kids which he lost me at yeah and then the boston marathon he was like saying that was a completely like orchestrated hollywood-esque action flick and i was like dude i've been on sets before and rarely can they do one take yeah that well yeah so we just use pressure cookers you have to do one thing you can't toss another one that's true a lot of green screen footage as well but there's like so we'd get into these things which was fun it was fun arguments i was also like blacked out the entire time so i'd get like really passionate about something that was innocuous and they get angry but then flat earth came along and it started to become the end of every conversation so if we had a thing about aliens or space or whatever, he's like, well, that can't be true because the Earth is flat.

There is no space. And all those planets that you're seeing are actually just sentient gods. So that's a safety net around a lot of the conspiracy. So he wouldn't even go on that trek with you. No, he can't possibly. He did initially. And then Flat Earth. And I think it became that it becomes that for a lot of people.

He even owns an app right now. Like he's killing it. Flat Earth, and I think it becomes that for a lot of people. He even owns an app right now. He's killing it. Flat Earth Dave. He's famous on the internet. I think he's D-I-T-R-H still, which is the name of our podcast, and he completely commandeered it for his own alias. Dang.

But it became such a belief system to him that he was more or less a fundamentalist Flat Earther. Wow. You just couldn't have a conversation outside of it. So nothing he's ever seen can change his mind? No, you see that one tweet where like the guy he's like this is going to show all you people that the earth is flat yeah he's like he puts like a a hole in a wall and then through a telescope he shines a light through the hole and there should be a curvature in the light if the some distance that was bananas yeah the light is eight eight inches higher yeah yeah on the board than it would have been yeah right and

he's like this will prove it and then it proved the exact opposite yeah the exact opposite and they were like it's just like it's a hard smash cut yeah the problem with this right guys we can clean up that last 10 years the problem is is that the math, like the math of B of the earth is really difficult and it's a war of attrition of information. So it's like, if I don't, I don't have any of the math to back it up. I just know the basic,

the basic formula of it. And then they're like, so what if this, and then this, and I'm like, I can't answer two questions, let alone three. So,

you know, you show me your work, right? They're like, well, I'm just disproving. And it's like, so good. The onus is on me, moron. Isn't that the best part about conspiracy theories, though?

There's only so much work you have to show to get the fucking A. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, here's what I can tell you. And half of it I made up on my way here. Yeah. And that's what's fun. And you're going to have to just fucking eat this.

Yeah. How do you get out of a conspiracy theory? Like being in that in that realm and that realm is like it's like fucking gang you get beat intersexed and then once you're in you're like you're an old you're always a blood dude you're always a flat earth i honestly think it's like i think the biggest thing to get anybody out of conspiracy is like pussy yeah like i think if they start hooking up and getting pussy they're like what was i even caring about i said this on stage this week last weekend i was like talked about bringing a brand new puppy to a beer garden just a conveyor belt of pussy oh yeah

it's crazy it's just non-stop and i was like i'm thinking about breaking up my girl like this is these are the fucking heydays the pussies that i've been getting used to you know i started getting used to this. And I was like, I can change my life again. This could break me out of the most intense conspiracy. And yeah, give one of these puppies to a school shooter or a fucking terrorist flat earther. Get them out of their mom's basement. Get them laid once.

And they're like, it's not that bad. Where are the school shooting therapy dogs? 100%. Like, why aren't they giving a little nice little mixed dog that would otherwise not have a home just to a trench coat wearing maniac who hasn't blinked in three months? Yeah, but you put the dog in like a bright yellow trench coat, too. You dress someone the same. You know what I mean? It's got to be a fat little pug.

You put a fake gat on its. Yeah. Cut his hair all awkwardly. The bangs are all fucked up. Like there was a ball in his head. Just like Lloyd Christmas the dog. No one ever say whose dog is this when he gets lost oh that's cory's never met a cory didn't want to shoot a kid that's a good service though yeah i like that yeah to alienated children yeah hand him a dog bring him to a fucking beer garden you find your

your son writing a manifesto saying some wild shit online yeah get him a dog. Bring him to a fucking beer garden. You find your son writing a manifesto, saying some wild shit online. Yeah. Get him a puppy, bring him to a beer garden. I mean, that is the pressure now of having two white male sons. Is, I gotta keep their shoulder off the bump stock. You know? You gotta keep the girls

off the pole, I gotta keep his shoulder off the bump stock. Well, they're playing sports. Yeah, yeah. No, they will not the box well they're playing sports not yeah yeah yeah no they will not yeah they're not yeah just throw them a fucking basketball not a bag of bullets dude you can't be you're also raising them in long island or new york the outside i can't raise anything in long island literally not even ticket prices where are you going you're on tour soon right yeah i'm on tour now so i I just released a special. And then I'm here in Austin. I'm in Nashville this weekend.

Detroit right after that. Skankfest. New England, New York, like all over the place. Well, you got the plug now. So say the special. Say your website, where to go get tickets. So that's the big one. The special Traumatized Animal on YouTube now.

It's on Chris DiStefano's YouTube. He produced it. Putting it up on his platform for me, which is super cool. And yeah, it's my best hour it's uh jammed with jokes so just watch it please for the love of god if you hate me on podcasts then watch this because this is what i'm actually good at no they probably just hate you on podcasts with people they hate they're gonna love you here i think it's with people they love yeah yeah they're like why are you talking oh maybe it is yeah yeah with guys that are on the on the fence about being straight or gay too you're doing that a lot you gotta cut the shit out i am fence sitting yeah yeah yeah yeah pick apart every audience conspiracy theorist

over here thinks you're on the fence yourself what's your favorite city you've been to so far you know wherever i sell tickets it's like it's honestly that it's like it's live yeah it's chicago chicago is my best market outside of new york which i couldn't be more grateful isn't that nuts i think they're just like huge pod and comedy fans in general and they fucking show up yeah which is awesome and then you're like like new england i do really well i'm kind of an east coast dude right now yeah boston chicago yeah boston i do really great in philly i've done okay in but i'm trying to like build it back up did you do helium yet i'm doing helium uh in late october no yeah yeah yeah it's all new shit i'll be down so please come shooting tires

i'll be there yeah do the october what do you know 30th maybe or around that time i don't know that's exciting yeah it's good to see you it's great to see you dude i mean you are thriving this is unbelievable the house the house you in general just like this room the fact that this is a podcast dedicated room in a home that you have yeah it's unbelievable space is great you know i was gonna say i miss seeing people but yeah it's nice to have some fun you hear the cicadasadas? Yeah, they're not Puerto Ricans. That's not? Yeah, I got a break. Similar tone.

Yeah, it is, right? High-pitched. It does sound like reggae tone on the six train. If it's not broken English, I'll take any high-pitched noise. I'm sleeping, you know? Got a sauna. Yeah, what do you think? So you in space, because you were only in New York for how long? 12 years.

Oh, okay. Nevermind. I thought you took a break. Did you take an extended break from New York or just, no, I just stopped doing standup. So you just disappeared from my life. Two and a half miles away from you. That's wild.

Six straight fucking years. That's so crazy. I know. Yeah. I know. You may as well have moved back to Philly. Darkest hole of my life. No shit.

Oh, yeah. Who were you hanging out with? Still the same boys. Yeah, yeah. Chain. But just never coming, like, not being involved in comedy at all. He would leave every night to do stand-up. He goes, come do stand-up.

Because he just saw me withering away. Yeah, yeah. And then I eventually did a podcast when Chris came home. We started this thing. And I was doing Fair one with Kumiya. At Kumiya's, not with him. He hosted us. He was there.

None of his ideas. He wasn't actually there. We got the late slot, like 8, 9 o'clock. I remember. It was fun. It was so fun. It was great. Yeah, you were on maybe the most.

Yeah, it was a good time. And that was the only show on the network where it just was like this. You hit go, talk. Right. Let's figure it out. Yeah. Not everybody could do that. No. This is a fucking skill. This is a good time. And that was the only show on the network where it just was like this. You hit go, talk. Right. Let's figure it out. Yeah. Not everybody could do that. No.

This is a fucking skill. This is a trained skill. We've had some comics on here. Shit the fucking bed. No kidding? Yeah. I mean, it's easier to have a third guy, you know, if your comedy partner doesn't completely bail on you and not text you.

You know what I mean? It's nice if they're not doing well, you could just be like, hey, tell us a story about a movie. And I bang my head against a fucking drywall and we get over it. Yeah. You know? But now it's more one-on-one. It's nice.

It's like a, it feels more like a 60 minutes. It's in conversation with Tommy Pope. It is. There's a level of intimacy that you can get to and you can tell the truth about some things. Do you sit like this often? Because I find myself only sitting like this on podcasts. No, sit like this a lot i don't i can't do this i can't do the straight the straight uh field goal post oh okay i gotta cross i did this in high school yeah they're gonna call me gay you can't do this and fuck in the 90s in philly without me calling a fucking

fag dude you know look at you all tied up in the legs i didn'tilly without me calling a fucking fag, dude. You know? Look at you all tied up in the legs. I didn't notice your gay jeans all rolled up until you put your gay leg over your other gay leg. You know, real, real fucking hard-hitting jokes. Pieces of shit. But yeah, my father always sat like this.

And he was the biggest man's man you could ever imagine. Yeah. I mean mean that also like i love when dudes stay when it's like out actual alphas yeah sitting like that yeah and they're almost inviting you to say something like do it well it's i also like i have lessons now you know it's it's less of combat it's more say something so i can tell you how you're how you're ignorant and how you're wrong and how you're you're missing out on life if you just show up a little bit less hard ass and more vulnerable. There you go.

The weight off your shoulders will drop like fucking dumbbells and you're just going to feel, you know what? I don't have to walk around acting like I like this. I like that. I can be fucking emotionally vulnerable to people. I can tell someone I love them out of nowhere via text. I'm not gay for that. Do you feel that way with everybody or just with the, a protected few? No,

because I feel that way with you. I feel that way with my friends like that. I can be vulnerable, but in front of them, like the vast majority of human beings, I'm still protected. You're phase one. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm phase like three or four. No kidding. Yeah. How do you get there? It's a, it's just a spectrum of again like exposing yourself not like that you just gotta jerk off in public just gotta pull my cock out of trader joe you want to get comfortable with this

telling your daddy you love him jerk off into trader joe's no it's like just doing shit you that you never would because you felt like it was like scary yeah yeah tell someone how you truly feel about them yeah like what what you think is remarkable about them or what you're impressed by see i don't have a i don't have a tough time with that i think i'm like better at telling people i love them i'm definitely awful at like hard stopping or conflict or whatever or anything like that, I'll do conflict with somebody. I don't know. Yeah.

That's I'm easy with that. I'll fucking, I'll, I'll snap on a stranger. Yeah. But if it's somebody that I know, I feel like this is an irreparable harm to our relationship. Right.

Yeah. Well, you got to start and I'm, listen, I'm, I'm the matchmaker that's single. You know what I mean? i'm the fucking auto mechanic that has a shitty car i i'm the therapist that's insane yeah i can give you the best advice

i don't use it for myself but i would say it to get that level you almost have to when i fight with loved ones i immediately like i'll say all the things i want to say like my old old tommy would say yeah which is go right for the jugular possibly end the relationship possibly fight yeah get that shit out at home release that fucking anger somewhere else in the shower usually when i wake up i get like viscerally angry because my anxiety's been building up and i it's the pressure, like those two fucking twins that blew up Boston. I finally explode in the shower.

The Tarnesians from Tunisia, whatever the fuck. Dude, I love the idea of you peacefully sleeping, but inside is just rising lava. And then you wake up and you're like... I think if you watch a video of me sleeping, I wouldn't say it's peaceful.

I'm breaking off probably a sweaty drunk, just rolling around. Oh, dude. That was the worst part about booze for me is I would wake up or I would be wrapped in fucking full wet clothes, full wet sheets, the whole thing. And my wife would be like, what the fuck?

And she's like, are you all right? And I would be like, yeah, I'm fine. Why? I'm good. And then I wouldn't move throughout the night because then I'd get cold. So you have to literally cocoon yourself. Dude, a lot of times I would run myself down so often with my behaviors that it's a cider. I'd grow up.

You're looking at it just pumping in your hand. Well, I saw it floating. It's like, come give me. Give me a cider. Grow up. You're looking at it just pumping in your hand. Well, I saw it floating. It's like, come give me. Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss and all this shit will go away. A little wet one. No, I would like, I'd have cold sweats, hot sweats, cold sweats. Yeah.

I'd be fighting temperatures because you're wearing yourself thin for five, seven days straight. Your body's like, enough already. And then you wet the sheets and with every using every pore in your body and you're like i'm fine yeah let's do it again you don't listen to it you don't wake up in a pile of your own piss and be like i gotta i gotta move from whiskey to ciders you know you just go off dude baby i just killed it at the gym yeah this is part of it still throwing up 225 that way? That's crazy. I'm over 40.

It's insane. I'm over 40. That's crazy. I'm a hero. I got natural testosterone. Yeah, you should have seen me today, baby. I got some new chest workouts. You were good? Yeah.

Before I get into who sponsors this podcast this week, could you please just hit the subscribe button? It's in the thing you watch every day and for some reason just can't hit the button. It would help us out. Nick Sirianni. You suck. He's a coach of the Eagles.

Actually, Sirianni's dog shit. The Eagles are a good squad. He just needs to know what the fuck he's doing. The Saints couldn't even beat us at our worst. Insane. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. You guys know squarespace right squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online

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off your first purchase or website or domain again that's squarespace.com slash stuff violent save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain oh you're not doing testosterone are you no okay no yeah i'm interested i'm just not you're 40 i'm 39 yeah yeah so i'm not i'm not really there yet i just don't want to fall behind I see like I you know you go to Florida what is falling behind mean just just being a man what's the most important part being a man you check you're fine yeah what's the most important part for me maybe maybe sperm oh does that does that affect sperm I don't know the most important part for me honestly is energy is like

i wish i could have that kind of like spry let's tackle the day type motivation yeah as opposed to waking up and just being like yeah another one well you just had a second baby yeah that you could be snorting pure testosterone you're not gonna feel a fucking difference for a while yeah that's a good point i know i mean i i'm I'm like, I've slept a little bit, obviously, since being on the road, but I'm still, my wife's like, how you doing? Like, are you good? You had eight uninterrupted hours last night? You're good? Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, but I still feel, and she's like, shut

your fucking face. Dude, this is the most white trash shit that every one of my friends growing up would experience. When you slept just the right amount. Yeah. If I slept more than six hours growing up i was shamed as soon as you hit the second step through the banister like oh look who's up and it's like 10 in the morning it's a saturday i'm a growing 14 year old kid yes who's supposed

to get like 12 and oh must have needed it my mom would say must have needed it right yeah that's it that's all she would say with her back turn cutting like potatoes must have needed it. My mom would say must've needed it. Right. That's it. That's all she would say with her back turn cutting like potatoes must've needed it. Dude. Cause they're so viscerally upset that they haven't slept that way your entire life. Yeah. Dude. My, my parents were such sexist shit when it came to the weekends, like any free moment, anything where I wasn't waking up at 6 30 AM for practice for school for whatever. They're like, we're, we're doing gardening today yeah and that means we're gonna watch you do gardening for a while yeah yeah yeah i know you don't know how to do it but you'll figure it out yeah or we're gonna go antiquing

for four hours and you're coming we're gonna go to the stormville flea market in upstate new york that's on a literal like three to four acres of blacktop in August. Yeah. Under the sun. No, no tents, no nothing. And you're just going to have to just fucking muster up the courage to deal with it. Oh my gosh. Just an outdoor flea market of dykes.

Yeah. And like toys that my dad played with when he was a child. Oh my God. That he's like tinkering around with. They never got me anything. Never incentivized the trip. Wouldn't even buy me like a hot dog. No Dairy Queen or anything at the end?

Nothing, dude. Wow. Nothing. It was just enjoy this time of your parents not buying anything either. Yeah. Yeah. It was fucking nuts.

They never bought anything either. There is a lesson there to show you how to do it when you get older, you know? Oh, totally. Yeah. You trick your mind into thinking, it's like drinking an NA beer. You trick your mind going,

we're going to go get something today. Yeah. We're going to buy something today. You know? You don your mind into thinking it's like drinking an na beer you trick your mind going we're gonna go get something today yeah we're gonna buy something today you know you don't well it's true i mean i now i get my son like everything that i wanted yeah as again and it's not even that he wants it i'm just like you want this pair of jordans right he's like what's a jordan yeah he's like so that's what you're gonna be wearing from now on and it's a complete yeah it's compensating yeah you can't you gotta you gotta find that fine line of making this kid a little cunt you know i mean yeah no trust me i don't fucking yeah yeah we wrestle around yeah yeah dude he's the most physical kid i've ever met in my entire life i watch i watch videos i know it sounds creepy i've seen a lot of videos of your kids

one in particular shooting a lot of ball he's a good athlete he's a good athlete he's playing soccer right now and he's like he's both nervous but also physically gifted like it's so weird to find yeah it's not weird it's just interesting to watch a young person yeah not be sure of themselves or of their body or of their ability because he'll like do an insane like how did you even have the coordination to do that and then the next play he'll be eating his hands nervous yeah like i think i just angered that other kid by taking it yeah type shit yeah it's first day in prison and then you beat the fuck out of somebody you go right back to your cell and you're still scared again yeah i mean that's i was like just run through yeah it's like just

run through these kids it's like you have a bigger body i was like they're all scared to touch the ball too i was like everybody feels your way so just put your body through their body yeah is he doing it yeah that's great he just did it this week and he was like i scored yeah fuck yes i remember being such a bitch athlete like that like even i was a starting quarterback i was i was killing it but like i was always scared yeah because i was little and then you would get for like uh i played for the dregs all ra. It was a peewee football, but 70s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 110. Right? That's the weight distribution.

Right, right, right. So I'm playing 60 pounders at five. So you start fearful. Yeah. And everybody, my dad coached the team. You went 60 pounds at five years old? No, that's my point. Oh.

The story is, i wanted to play football so bad because my brothers played my dad coached he was the president of the league yeah and i was dying i would just sit on the sidelines fucking around just being a little jack off and i went to the snack the snack uh snack house and uh snack shop snack house the fuck is that Snack House And Snack Shop Snack House? The fuck is that? Snack Shop? What did I call it? Concession stand? I didn't call it a concession stand All of those work

Snack Shop So I'm at the Snack Shop And the Floods, Mrs. Flood, I asked her for a helmet And she knew what I wanted So she gave me the whole kit and caboodle They had all the extra uniforms and all that shit so i ran tripping over my pants all the way to where they were practicing they were doing a dummy drill and my dad saw me and he's like all right all right get in line and i'm like behind like you know everyone's like three feet taller than me and

you blow the whistle down you know and you go whack the fucking bag and tackle it. And I hit it head on, fell backwards. The whole team fucking laughed. And I ran right back to the snack stand. Like, you know, fuck this.

These kids are faggots. But then, I mean, just being smaller than all my teammates forever, I was scared until I threw a touchdown pass. Right. Like that first play, first big i threw a touchdown pass right like that first play first big play like your son like that first because he's he's learning the world of all these kids totally you know it's a world he's not used to he's used to your living room your backyard in the cart at the fucking supermarket yeah and he's got me he's like he's got me as part of him

so he's like he's a bit of a people pleaser as well has that genetically installed so he's like but if i but if i steal it from him i won't be friends friends with him yeah i'm like no that's not what it is you see his pool dad did you want me to steal it off donnie it's a good point i'm like yeah you're right we do need better friends so but yeah it's it's just interesting to watch the development of it because it's, he's got all the skills or the ability or, you know, whatever, but it's,

it's all his people. Please. He should, but he's breaking out. Like he's doing what you're saying. Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah.

It's just funny to like, I know my dad, I mean, my parents knew nothing about sports. So all of my sports stuff with fathers is somebody else's dad. Yeah. But then I remember when we were like six to eight, that range parents were talking to us.

Like we should already know the full rule book. Yeah. Like we should know the ins and outs and the nuance of the game. And just like, what the fuck were you thinking there kind of stuff. And I'm like, I just started like 10 minutes ago. Yeah.

I literally just got the Jersey. Yeah. Yeah. Which I remind my son every day. I'm like, nobody you're playing with knows what they're doing. I was like, just a heads up. They all are fucking clueless.

Yeah. The coaches are clueless. Yeah. Everybody's there to have a good time. Yeah. This is the most fun we could possibly have. Yes. We're having a great time.

And he's like, okay. That always like settles them a little bit where it's, you know. Yeah. So you put a lot of pressure on himself. Yeah. You can't be complete war mode out there. No. There is. There's got to be one kid on his team that has like a real shitty parent where the dude's just going fucking gung-ho.

I mean, there's this kid that scored like 11 goals in the game where, you know, they just roll the ball out and they're scoring on four different goals. Is he stealing it from his own teammates and shit? Non-stop. Oh, my God. Pounding his chest after. Oh, my God. Like wearing his letterman's jacket from high school is he italian the dad he he gives off the familiar symptoms of italian but i'm not sure yeah i didn't ask him over

exerting confidence like that yeah yeah not slapping your kid when he pounds his chest at a fucking five-year-old soccer game what a piece of shit see that's that's where i get all my testosterone up and i go have a talk into the dad yeah hey what are you doing you know don't you see all the other kids out want to touch see i i it would it would maybe make me mad if it was on the opposite team but it's on my son's team so i'm actually trying to get him to like learn from it from the kid where i'm like just watch how he's like he doesn't give a shit yeah he's fearless he doesn't care he's just going for it and i think like because kids almost look i i thought i didn't listen to my parents and that's definitely true but they or i thought my parents didn't teach me anything and that's definitely true but i definitely didn't

listen to them like that was a big part too because i'm trying to talk to my son about everything yeah and he just doesn't learn as much from me as he learns from other people if he sees it from somebody else he's like, I'll do that. That's great. I could explain everything until I'm blue in the face. But if he sees it from a kid his age, he's like, oh, I can do that now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He already sees you as like a fucking an old dork.

Yeah. He's just like, I mean, I'm his hero. Hero, of course, of course. Don't get me wrong. Yeah, you're not that old. I mean, Jesus Christ, you're 39. No, but it's funny how quickly they're like, you know, once they get into the world and you're not 100% of their influence, you could see how other things just impact them more. Yeah.

It's trippy. God, that's exciting. It's fun. Just to watch your little tadpole grow into a fucking frog. Yeah, it's terrifying. It's got to be exciting. See, you're an optimist. You're like, it's got to be exciting. I'm like, it's optimist. You're looking, you're like, it's got to be exciting.

I'm like, it's terrifying. What a nightmare. And you're like, it's got to be the best. I'm talking shit again. Like I said, I'm the, I'm the perfect dad without a kid. I know exactly what I'm going to do. And then I won't. I'm also, I am an optimist when it comes to my kids because they, they bring the best

out of me. I'm also just in like, you know, full spiral mode. Yeah. How great is it coming home from the road? It's every, every time it's like a soldier coming back from Iraq. Ah, that's awesome. It's unbelievable.

My son is so fired up to see me. Yeah. It, it, I'm like my wife, you know, she'll, she could give a shit.

Yeah. But my kid is like, dad, I have this. I have this. I'm like, this is everything I've ever wanted. Then my cats will ask to be fed and

i'll fucking punt them out of the window dude there's i mean i was telling you before but there is nothing that we talked about on the pot as soon as you have a kid whatever whatever animal you have in that house is null and void eat it like a haitian it doesn't fucking matter anymore they might as well be a fucking hairy fish because they give nothing. Yeah. There's no love. There's no like transference of like appreciation. I will say Chris has a very loving cat. I used to. That's why I got suckered into two more. Yeah.

My first cat, Frank, was a dog. Yeah. And then he died. And my wife and I went to like the animal shelter to walk a dog, just like cheer up. And we left with fucking two kittens. Oh, no. And they were like an immediate burden. Just a huge problem wife loves them of course my son loves them yeah the conscious one he loves them and i'm just like they're just a chore there's not like every time they pet me i'm

still like just fucking like you're just getting hair on my show clothes yeah their shit breath is all over your knuckles dude it smells like old pussy all over my hands anytime they rough tongue kiss oh my god yeah that literally might be my my worst thing on the world in the world yeah just old just cat breath just cat a cat tongue touching me like i will insult you right to your face and aggressively wash like a car mechanic or a fucking surgeon yeah i go up the fuck to my elbows trying to get rid of that fucking pus yeah it's it's it's no good it could really it really destroys intimacy between my wife and i too it's like oh they just roam around the bedroom do they pop right up onto

the bed my one cat george fucking drools it's insane oh my god literally like and just drops water down like buddy oh my god I've never seen a cat drool He's got a fucked up lip I guess or just a numb bottom lip Jesus dude Rolls the fuck off Is he a pothead like you? Is he doing like catnip when dad smokes?

No you know what's weird is my first cat Frank Used to plop himself on my lap And I would smoke blunts in our apartment That's why he was a dog You're getting him high I wasn't blowing hits into his ear frank used to plop himself on my lap when i and i would smoke blunts in our apartment just like a just a that's why he was a dog you're getting him high yeah i mean i wasn't blowing hits into his ear like a maniac but he was definitely around enough to the point but he came from my wife's autistic cousin yeah who's non-verbal and every once in a while go put the bird like throw him down the steps or something like that so So he was all fucking like Vietnam vetted out when we first got him.

Yeah. And then I guess through, through chill vibes and a little bit of weed, he was like leveled out, totally docile, totally cool into us. And you know, he set the standard for cats that these two shitheads now can't possibly be.

I have a couple of friends that both of their cats were raised on marijuana farms and they're also lap dogs. No kidding. Require the most love. And they're also the the most chill you could sit with them in a bar yeah you put a hoodie on them and they're just like they don't fucking care dude i love that i think it i think it changes their personality as they come up yeah you know we all have a friend that just smokes way too much and he's a docile piece of shit a hundred percent I have a lot of friends. I can't fuck with dudes like that. I need a cocaine cat. You gotta be skitzy as fuck.

Just focus. You just have to have it. You need a cat with your eyebrows just walking around. I'm more of a score 11 goals against five-year-olds. I can't be moseying around these fat little fucks. That's why you got a puppy though. It's got so much energy. It's the shit. It's unbelievable so much energy yeah that puppy's it's the shit it's unbelievable where is it it's outside huh

she's in the bedroom oh nice not drooling on my bed because she's a good fucking dog that's unbelievable she's a really good pup do you like my puppy i do like your puppy a lot and i like i say if i had a dog i think it would be a completely different thing because they there's like a back and forth with love but my cats truly look at me as just like a pure food dispenser. Yeah. Like clean our shit box. Oh, the shit box.

It's like that, that thing where the, the cat, you know, the, the, the, the 101 Dalmatians where it's like,

Oh, they have an owner. And it's the dog owns the human. That's real. When it comes to a cat, like the cat is the actual owner. I'm my cat. George is like a fucking noble King that was cursed to be a cat. Yeah. The cat is the actual owner. I'm my cat. George is like a fucking noble king that was cursed to be a cat.

Yeah. Yeah. He's just a complete piece of shit. It literally does that at me. I'll he'll scratch for food. I'll, I'll take out food, make it,

you know, serve them. If it's not the kind he wants at that moment that he ate yet, he may have eaten it yesterday, but not today. He's like not having it. Just get an automated feeder automated feeder we have one do you got an automated uh uh kitty litter cleaner no you ever see this cat box how do i know this they spit dust everywhere oh really i don't know the ones that i've seen are it's just a fucking yeah you know and plus my wife

was pregnant so she can't clean cat litter yeah i guess some sort of like some sort of cat scratch fever or something i don't know what the fuck they could get but it's it's bad for pregnant women yeah so i had to do i was 100 that was your fucking chance dude well second baby you're going we got to get rid of the cats i just read an article it's really bad look at our first kid he's all walleye yeah that's why he's eating his hands in between plays because you were cleaning the litter box you fucking idiot i know i tried i tried to get rid of george the other we name him george and lenny and they fit oh i like that they fit the mice and men yeah, because it was first Lenny and Carl off of the Simpsons, but they fit the bill of

Lenny and, uh, and George because Lenny, my, my cat that I like is like a true large retard. Like he's just there kind of just plucking along, having a good time. He was more or less like a nurse to my wife while she was pregnant, constantly followed her around checked on her it was a very sweet cat and george is a conniving twat yeah that just is relentlessly knocking glass off of high platforms while making direct eye contact with you what are you gonna do yeah it's nothing i can't kill you because there's too many people that know you you're alive and they live for like 18 years only the bad ones do my cat frank only lived like nine and a half years billy joel wrote a song about this that was about cats about a fucking cat he ate

uh we recording this is when chris would have started saying something gave me a fucking break you know i mean are you doing are you still doing your podcast which one is it chaos you're on fucking 10 podcasts i mean i don't have one of my own i'm regularly on chaos i think that's the that's the best way to put it um and i mean i'm co-hosting sometimes regularly on but yeah i'm on that and then uh i'm looking scenario no that's over done yeah yeah we ended that because of the whole barstool thing uh i told you about that right no i remember you asking me about barstool and barstool was asking us yeah so i think we were all they were they were putting out feelers to people to try

to work for their new york comedy arm when that was going to be a thing yeah yeah they were also trying to produce specials or something yeah so basically i don't even know if we're supposed to talk about this but it's fine it's no longer so it's fine i and i i harbor no resentment it's just a reality of my life that oh that's right you asked me to do one of your first episodes i was gonna yeah i was gonna do the gambling one or something with poker yeah yeah yeah yeah so we i they offered me like the you know i don't drink one and a half days and let's see that memory look at that fucking so it never kicked in hey josh you know it's skank fest is next week and i'd never know what to pack do i bring do i bring deodorant tiny shampoos personal hygiene stuff like body

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with code STUFFILAND at shopmando.com. Enjoy the episode. Head over to Patreon for our Tacoma series. Bye. This episode is also brought to you by Nutrafol. You see this thick, luscious head of hair? It's not all genetics, man. You know?

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and enter the promo code STUFF, S-T-U-F-F. Find out why over 4,500 healthcare professionals and stylists recommend Nutrafol for healthier hair. Nutrafol.com slash men, spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com slash men, promo code STUFF. That's Nutrafol.com, promo code STUFF. I would be calling Mark the whole fucking time. But yeah, so once they offered me the gig and we were going through contract

negotiations for a while the only thing that that was exclusive was the podcasting because they were like listen if we give you a podcast that's gotta be your only thing and we can't have you siphoning off your audience to another thing which i got it was tough but i got so i told feeny and sagalow that like hey we have to end this pod. Because I have this other thing. Because I have this, you know, career, not making, but like a new thing. Changing. It's all a thing for sure.

Where it's like, it was more money than I'm making right now. Or than I was making then. And like, you know, all that stuff. So it was just like, it just became a thing. And then by the time it all fell apart, we were already ending it. So it was just like, all right, I guess that's, I guess that's that even though we don't have to. Did that trigger it at all? Or was that just like, probably,

meaning like, is it the straw that broke the camel's back? Or is it kind of like, you guys were going to get there anyway? We were gonna, we, we gave ourselves on, from January on, we gave ourselves like six months to like make a leap and it didn't even have to be a substantial one. It just had to be into like, Hey, let's like get to this number in terms of YouTube consistency, get to this number in terms of audio, like feel it out. Like maybe do a few more dates together and stuff on the road.

And like, yeah, let's just see, let's get to there and then we'll see if we can continue. But it just became like, you know, you have families, it's so tough yeah let's just see let's get to there and then we'll see if we can continue but it just became like you know you have families that's three different schedules trying to look at you two different fucking schedules is impossible if you're working yeah and the bigger you get the harder it is exactly coordinate like when are you anywhere near me right so it just became like i can't even get them on a phone you know what i mean yeah it became too i get it yeah i get it yeah god subscribe to this podcast if you guys haven't already hit the sub button right there baby keep me and chris happy chris is coming back any minute yeah well we're making ends meet doing uh we've talked about it on the last pod or so i forget but i'm taking over the the pod here he's going to be doing a podcast with

some of the tires people out there in uh in westchester exton whatever the fuck and uh and then when i go out there to film season two in october we'll get a bunch of eps in together so it's it's kind of fun what we think is fun for most of our fans right you know there's always going to be you can't please everybody. There's always going to be some cunt like, oh, another different location. I got to change my head. You know what I mean?

Why are my eyes adjusting to a different background? Oh, well, there's a different plant that's fucking me up. It's like, dude, just shut the fuck up. And no, it's not different. It's still good content. It's still good comedy. Yeah. It's only a few people that are constantly just miserable about everything.

Those are the kids that need a puppy to get laid in a fucking beer garden. That's right. Yeah. Go get yourselves a puppy. Get a puppy, man. It's not a bad idea. Get a puppy. Hit subscribe.

Check out our Patreon. Our Patreon's popping off. Dude, I'm really loving this. Josh and I just drive around in Austin. I don't even know where I'm going. Yeah. Just drive around for an hour, answer some questions. That's great's so fun that's except for when the gopro burns out twice it's how long the sun was down huh oh because of the sun because the heat it burned out you

were just like running for two full hours no dude the fucking again we talked about this how this the gopro burns out it's like these things are attached to these fucking water heads that are jumping off of mountains they're jumping out of helicopters in these sky suits and they're they're not fucking losing footage the first 20 minutes of yesterday's pod we had to hustle it before he had to do a show uh my my truck synced my youth my bluetooth audio so i had our live mics are somewhere. We lost our live mics because Chris left like a fucking scorned wife. Didn't even let me know like where all the shit was. Oh,

physically. I thought you meant the audio just went into the ether. No, no, no. The actual physical love. Yeah. So we don't have the live mic so that we had to use like these fucking

shitty plugins that you just clip on. Yeah. First 20 minutes is going through this toyota oh dog shit so then we get to fire it up again then it dies the first 20 so then we go we go get a get a pop and then go back in dies again so then i gotta do the last 20 minutes dropping him off to his show like at that yeah i even have a show down there it's my night off so i remember i asked you last night you're like you're coming out i'm like it's my night off having a night off in like two weeks staying the fuck home i'm driving this dildo to fucking roscoe's to do 10 minutes on a magic show

when i say it was a magic show he did he opened for a magic show. No shit. Oh, it really was. Yeah. He's been on Penn and Teller and shit. Nice. Apparently, he's kind of legit. I bet. I mean, if he's doing P&T, that's big time magic. I had to do a magic trick before my set. You had to?

Yeah. No shit. All the comics have to do a quick magic trick before doing time. Dude, I would cut your lawn naked before I did something like that. So I have to drop him off, and now I'm doing it. We don't have lights on these fucking things. I'm just like leaning into the moonlight. You can see the tip of my fucking whop nose and my teeth.

And I barked my last 20 minutes into the fucking moon. Oh, my God. That sounds fun, though. It's a fun time. Yeah. If you could condense it into one hour instead of fucking three and a half. Are you putting that out for free at all, or that's just... That's just Patreon right now to replace our Patreon podcast. Yeah, yeah.

Which is, I think, a better suited option. It's great. And it's more fun. It's something different. You guys can let us know. But most of the people that comment on this are just watching for free and bitching about it so let us know on the patreon hit subscribe now we always thought it was so gay to say hit subscribe but uh we found out like you can see the analytics behind how many people are actually watching and how many people are subscribed and

it's like 10 yeah it's something insane oursurs was the same, where over half of our audience was not subscribed, and consistent audience. Consistent. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The people that listen every single week. Dude, there's people. Just won't hit the subscribe button. I don't know if it's.

I'm not sending fucking newsletters every other day. Right. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. I didn't give a fuck to say hit subscribe. Right. Obviously, I'm not going to bother you. Yeah.

I don't care what your wife's name is. Just hit the bell so it changes everything for us. Once you get to 50,000, the Jews behind the analytics can fucking push this thing a little heavier. I feel that way about followers. The amount of people that are like, when I'm on a pod or whatever, I love my canon. Click on their profile they never follow me dude i've like been following canon since deep inside the rabbit hole hit the profile don't follow me i'm like what the fuck do i have to do do you not understand

what am i doing that's like free and it changes my life yeah just fucking hit follow all i post is the the clips of the shit you say you love. Yeah. Which is why you're following me. You know what I mean? I'm not showing you sneaker Fridays. You know what I mean? I'm not doing gay shit that fucking comics do.

I will do it. Yeah, if you want to. That's what it takes. I'll do sneaker fucking Fridays. No, this whole, everything's such a fucking mind fuck. You know, you tell me this is this special it's your best yet by far yeah yeah you're very excited about it yeah numbers are slower than the last one because you're on somebody else's channel yeah that's hard it's josh was telling you the

analytics of all this stuff it's like they don't push things for some reason yeah it's not in your fucking power you just have to sit and wait for the for the cream to come to the top i know it's it's a pure like it's weird that like comedy is kind of like playing scratch-offs nightly. Yeah. Where it's like you can make your money back on scratch-offs. Like you'll win two bucks here and there and you'll be like, oh, look at that. I didn't lose. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But that's kind of what I'm doing in comedy where I'm like, okay, I keep hitting the two bucks. This is pretty sweet. Another bell. I got another bell. At what fucking point? Three bells. Am I going to win 10 grand

a week? Yeah, 100%. Oh, wow. 30 grand an episode for tires. Is that right? No. I was like, that's unbelievable. So take your scratch-offs and get the fuck out of my house.

Clean your shoes off my fucking checkered floor. I'm going to join Chris in Philly. Yeah, yeah. I know. I shouldn't wear shoes right now, should I? No, no. We're not an Asian household. We just put the shoes there when we come in and out.

I have different shoes for different things. I got you. I have indoor sandals, which I have to break the rules because my little mutt gets fucking bananas and she scratches on one of these doors and I'm in a pinch. I can't walk around or else she'll wet the floor. She's past that stage now.

She's completely potty trained. Nice. Yeah. Just outside? Doesn't go to the toilet? I don't know, man. I didn't know if that's something dogs do. Cats do it.

Your dog's small enough. I also kind of meant like a wee-wee pad, too, or something. I just, you know, I lost myself, man. I'm sorry. Actually, no, don't be. I was really excited about my dog being fully potty trained, but you're right. No, you're right. No, you're right.

Totally joke about it. You are correct. It's not a fucking daily nightly struggle when you're tired and hungover, hungover in the morning, tired at night, coming home from it. And then you're going to sit, situl other paul down down until the bottle's gone do you know what i mean yeah you think it's easy yeah you think it's a big fucking sit on the toilet trick i'm actually thinking about it that would be so sick yeah dude first of all potty training anything is difficult potty training my son was insane.

Like just, we had one of those like travel with you things and all where it puts inside the toilet. Yeah. We had that for a little bit. Like, you know, that's kind of like on the cat spectrum where it's like, you're just trying to teach him. Yeah. But we had like a small, almost mini toilet for him that you could move around the house.

Didn't flush or anything like that. So you'd have to manually clean. Disgusting. Dude. Yeah. Disgusting. Yeah. No,

I want to, I want to say there's a story I remember vividly. It was the first time I smelled pure on unadulterated human shit outside of water. My brother's best friend, Hotchkiss, his little sister was potty training. I went to his house,

and she had that little Tykes toilet just sit in the corner of the living room, and there was a log that looked like his dad put it in there. Just giant fucking shit in this little pink toilet. I mean, end to end, curled up to the top. I don't know how they got this thing out. How many fork and knife spatula combos? Cut it in sections. It's like they're literally logging yeah just coming out on the fucking board charcuterie of shit i slipped on my son's shit he shit next to the toilet dude and i didn't see it

like i thought he had finished most in the toilet so i was like sick great job and then didn't see the absolute emoji next to the toilet oh my god and just went and it got it on like a smear directly across my living room it was brutal wait on to carpet no it went from wood to linoleum so it was like from living room to kitchen yeah yeah and it went over and i i like tripped on the raised thing in between rooms. It's the fucking dude. That's a crocodile mile. That's a slip and slide. You hit the bump, you take a ride.

That's exactly what happened. I'm a jingle king, dude. I know all the jingles of commercials. My father almost died on a crocodile mile. Did he? When I was a kid. Slamming his head? I don't know why. By past the pool. Way past the pool

and we had a cliff in our backyard and for some reason almost as like hey, if we lose a kid, we lose a kid. We put it right next to the cliff and my dad just had way more momentum than children and hit the bump and just screamed over the pool

and just fucking like came to the edge of my cliff what was it what you mean cliff like in our backyard there was a cliff down to the houses below us oh my god so we were we were on top of this little hill but then there's like jagged rocks and just whatever and just a little cliff like down to this down were you racing long island no in fort montgomery right outside of West Point. Oh. Yeah. Why the fuck was I thinking that? I grew up, my father's from Long Island. I was born in the city.

I grew up right outside of West Point for the first nine years, and then Rockland County from then on. Yeah. Is this the dad that left? I mean, he's, yeah, he's... Still around. He's alive? Yeah, he's alive.

We're talking. He's a good grandpa. Let's go. I know, not bad. Oh, my God, he's in the kid's life. I know, he's, yeah, he's still around. He's alive. He's around. Yeah. Yeah. He's alive. We're talking again. He's a good grandpa. Let's go. I know. Not bad. Oh my God. He's in the kid's life. I know.

Yeah. You know, it's like, he's making up, making up for time. He's just like the way, the best way to describe is he's like too, he's too feeble now to cause alarm. Like he's, he's almost like an, like a lion in a six flag safari. Like just a once great animal that could. That could destroy just full fucking things. A zebra. Now he's just chasing peanuts.

He don't care. Looking to come on something. Yeah. That's my dad. You throw him a fucking vape. He's like, it's an old, an old fucking dead lion.

Well, that's how he treats my granddaughter. He talked about all the time. Yeah. It's like he, the way he, as soon as he had his first granddad, granddaughter,

he was like just completely yeah a shell of the aggressive male lion he used to be right and then a second even worse two girls and then he a third and now he's just like such a lovable character he meets i was like telling my girl old stories yeah and she doesn't believe me she doesn't believe this guy used to walk in like a porn star rip his belt off and beat the fuck out of me and my brother in the same mattress yeah you know we flopped like salmon on a dock protecting your nuts in your ass and he would just have a lit cigarette just beating the fuck out of us you know and we have to wake up the next morning i guess uh don't play sock baseball at midnight yeah you know don't do that anymore did you get the pretend it never happened the next day i want i'm still getting that yeah yeah yeah that was that was my whole life is get the shit kicked

out of me and then the next day they're like hey good morning and i'm like what the fuck of course my mom my mom's an accomplice because she knows oh yeah but she couldn't control us because it's three three aggressive fucking boys right you know my brother was maniac my oldest and then my middle brother's only a year and a half older than me we shared a bed so we're we're only year and a half but he was four years difference in schooling because his his year and he's a genius so he went up a grade oh wow so when he was when my brother steve was a senior my brother brian was a freshman when my brother brian was a senior i was a freshman but there's only a year and a half but socially those four years of schooling yeah you're not even the same no you know imagine meeting someone a year and a half, but socially those four years of schooling. Yeah. You're not even the same. No.

You know, imagine meeting someone a year and a half younger than you and thinking you're in a different class. Right. Right. That's how it was. That's how we were raised. That's wild. Couldn't hang out with his friends.

Couldn't be like associated. So we just started battling in that room. Just fucking two. And then going to sleep next to each other. Yeah. And then having to sleep in the same bed. So they'd put me up earlier like an hour or hour and a half ahead of him because they're like he's older but what they were doing is like

we don't want you fucking each other up wow and then dad has to come up give you back scars from his lit cigarette so then i get pissed as i got older i wouldn't fall asleep because my anger would keep me up and then i'd'd be furious. This motherfucker gets to watch, you know, Cheers or Wonder Years. Yeah. And I'm upstairs trying to listen at the top of the steps because I love Wonder Years. And then he'd come in and I'd act like I was sleeping, but then I couldn't get to bed. And then we eventually fight anyway. No shit, man.

That's why I can't sleep today. So I can only sleep facing the outside of a bed because I could never turn inside and breathe on him. You know what I mean? You couldn't awaken the bear, dude. If I just slightly breathed Dorito breath on the fucking tip of his nose, he would wake up and make a fuck out of me. I mean, that has set me up for a lifetime of sleep discomfort for sure. So for every girl I've ever slept with, there was no cuddling. Cuddling for a minute but

when i have to sleep i'd roll over yeah any outside of the bed typically my right so my fucking rotator cuff was blown out for years too can't sleep my back yeah and then i roll i roll all night long now roll all night long there's never me too i mean my hips are like that but it's funny because i always wished for brothers. You know, growing up, I had sisters. And the abuse from them, it was more like, I mean, my older sister used to beat me up when I was a kid. That's worse, right? Psychological. Psychological warfare on 10.

But it's also taught me how to, like, talk to women. Yeah. And just be like, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know your mouth works outside of the kitchen. It was a little bit different, but I can't, I mean, sharing a bed with a sibling that is, that is forever type. It's crazy.

Like Abu grave type, like terroristic fucking torture. Yeah. Because they knew what they were doing. And again, like I said, I said this on stage, it's not a queen. It's not a fucking twin. Yeah. A full. It was a tiny fucking bar napkin.

Dude. That me and my brother are clawing at each other. I mean, I. Almost nightly. I slept on a full mattress for the pandemic with my wife. What? Because we lived at my in-laws for fucking 14 months. Dude. And my father-in-law was radicalizing.

Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Dude, I knew the election results were certified because my father-in-law was screaming civil war from his shop. Oh my God. Dude, so my wife and my mother-in-law. 14 months.

14 months. Don't just slide by this. 14 months. Yeah. Well, because we lived in Brooklyn and planned to raise the baby in Brooklyn. The pandemic hits. We're going to stay in Brooklyn. The Bloods moved onto my front stoop.

They weren't anywhere near our street. They weren't. But for whatever reason, they just centrally located to my stoop once nobody else was on the streets and honestly nice enough fellas yeah they they got out of our way because we're not about shit so they they're not trying to the worst thing they could do is set off alarms with a white woman like my wife with a brand new baby and shit so they're they're parting they're letting us through no big deal and then like i think in april or may they executed some dude a block away and i just looked at my wife and i was like we're fucking out of here we're breaking the lease we stayed at her in-laws because my wife's business relies

on congregation as does mine yeah so we're just two assholes that need a crowd with a brand new baby so we stayed at her her parents who they have this like sweeping unbelievable house in rockland so they had plenty of space they were super psyched to have their grandchild there but you know more or less my my father-in-law was just boozing it up every night watching youtube shorts that were getting him cooking yeah and then he'd just regurgitate his shit back at me while i'm on a trillion milligrams of thc yeah And I literally, at a point, I was guessing what he was going to say. So he'd start on a conspiracy. They only have three things.

I'd finish it and he'd be like, what do you mean? And I was like, I hosted a podcast, dude. I know what video you're on. I know what phase of the radicalization plan you are. You got steps to go, bro. I'll see you in a month. I wrote the blueprint. That's so funny.

Dude, you can tell by the flags that were on his pole, like where he was at. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Blue Lives Matters up. Fuck. Dude, and then, you know, the AR with the guys come and get it on the bottom. And you're like, okay. This isn't even American. Don't tread on me.

It's the fucking pole. You're like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, he had a Confederate flag delivered. He's like, it's for the rock and roll. like, okay. This isn't even American. Don't tread on me. It's the fucking pole. You're like, Jesus Christ. He had a Confederate flag delivered. He's like, it's for the rock and roll. Like, I'm sure. What, you don't like kid rock? My daughter's dating a gay guy. He got the gay pride flag and told it me it was for me.

That's hilarious. Yeah, he literally flew it up in June and took me outside and he's like, notice anything? I'm like, what? He took me out and he's like, notice anything? I'm like, what? That's great. Took me out. He's like, that's for you. That's a good old drunk joke. Yeah. Good for him.

He still got it, dude. He does. He's a funny guy. Dude, sleeping on a floor, not just ordering a blow-up mattress. Blow-up mattresses have come a long way. I bought one during our move here to Austin. Yeah? Yeah.

There was another room, too. I could have slept in the other room. Yeah. But I, you know. It's your wife. too. I could have slept in the other room. Yeah. But I, you know. It's your wife. Yeah. I get it. I like sleeping in the same bed with her.

Of course. It's fun. But I was just fully sloth dangling off the side. Yeah. Like, barely hanging on. Yeah, it's a pop-tart, dude. Just constantly, like, thinking I'm falling. Yeah.

Just waking up. Yes. Dude. All right, Michael. Promote your special one more time yeah Traumatized Animal on YouTube

please check it out share it that's the biggest thing comment do all that stuff and then I have dates I'm all over the road mikecannoncomedy.com

I love you I love you buddy thank you so much for having me I love you genuinely this is so fun I think you're a special kid right back at ya

you understand? yeah