Stuff Island - Stanford Prison Experiment w/ Andy Haynes - Stuff Island #114

Episode Date: January 3, 2024

Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a god...damn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Andy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/imandyhaynes/?hl=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, before we start the episode, I want to let you know we have a show on January 20th at Finbeck Brewery in Brooklyn, Stuff Island, featuring Chris and I and some of our closest friends. It's going to be a stand-up show at 8 p.m. Link's coming soon. We're also launching our brand new beer that day called Stuff. It's a collaboration between Finbeck Brewery and Stuff Island, obviously, and we're very excited about it. We're going to have some merch. We're going to do a meet and greet around 6 p.m. If you want to show up early, hang out in the day. They're doing a whole party event the whole day
Starting point is 00:00:28 called Not So Sober January. They do it every year in January. It's for true boozers that want to pretend they're being healthier. I hope to see you there. Let's get wet. Those dudes always have tables set up out front of colleges,
Starting point is 00:00:45 like Herald Square and like by NYU. Just like hand-rolled joints. I remember like when that happened in Washington Square Park, it was just like the entire fountain was just like a farmer's market of wheat. Of wheat, yeah. I was looking for apples for two hours. To smoke weed out of. Yo, sorry.
Starting point is 00:01:03 Sorry we lost your first episode. It's good to see you again So but the Patreon made it? We're fired We're fired the Patreons I had my boys take it Take a gander at the page
Starting point is 00:01:13 Great Looked good Sounded good apparently Okay cool Yeah Patreon's great Chris just didn't hit the mute button Ah
Starting point is 00:01:20 Perfect Well I'm selling you out dude It's not me No? No The mic wasn't plugged in Oh Ah, perfect. Well, I'm selling you out, dude. That's not me. No? No. The mic wasn't plugged in.
Starting point is 00:01:29 Oh. Is my mic plugged in today? Yeah. Great. We're good. I made sure of it. I mean, I don't mind. This is like a nice little adventure out of the house.
Starting point is 00:01:37 Yeah. Can I ask, did anybody get sick? Yes. Over the holiday? Yes. What'd you get? I didn't test, but my girlfriend tested covid covid uh shane i think on the road with shane i think we both got sick with covid really came back from oklahoma and texas when was that two weeks ago real high fever was sick for five
Starting point is 00:01:59 days but you never you never tested positive i don't. Or you just didn't test? Yeah. No. What, did you get COVID? I bunkered down during COVID. Yeah. Yeah, I did. But it was like four days. No, it wasn't. It wasn't. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:13 Yeah, I did. It wasn't. But I was wondering if it was going around. It wasn't like I got COVID and then tested positive and didn't call you guys. Oh, you mean from the last visit that you were here? Yeah. Oh, you're asking if I gave it to you? No.
Starting point is 00:02:26 I was just asking if it's going around, really. Of course. It's always going around. I think it's going around. We're always spitting in each other's mouths. Jesus. Are you getting boosted or are you getting the first shot? I stopped with the booster.
Starting point is 00:02:35 Yeah. Because now it's like, well, I got COVID. I was like sick for five days. You proved me wrong, Fouch. A year. I'm boosted. Yeah. Are you boosted?
Starting point is 00:02:44 I mean, I did like the original two boosts. Yeah, I mean, I got COVID. I'm pretty sure I didn't test, but it certainly seemed like COVID. I got in like September. And so then I was like, I'm fine. Who gives a shit? Dude, the only other time I got COVID was 2021. I got Omicron.
Starting point is 00:03:04 And I did like a... Was that like a Peloton? No, it was the one that like everybody in New York got. It was December 2021. And it was like literally like we were just calling people. And we were like, do you have it? Yes. We had a Christmas party.
Starting point is 00:03:17 Yeah. For people with COVID. I like that. That's how many people had COVID. Yeah. That fucking rules. Is that like this past Christmas or 2021? 2021.
Starting point is 00:03:27 December 2021. But they... Omicron Christmas party. They... That must have been... They probably got a new strain out of that. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:37 We got it in New York, though. All the Omicrons meet to make a new... It was super Omicron. Captain Planet. Yeah. But we got it here. And then we flew to San Francisco to do shows, me and Rosebud. And then we flew to Texas to do shows.
Starting point is 00:03:51 And I tested positive in Texas. And we were still kind of being uber careful about it. So we drove home from Texas. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. I wasn't going to get on the plane. I was like, that's irresponsible. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:04:02 I'm like... Is that how she got pregnant? You guys knocking around in the car? She actually did get pregnant with covid last year oh no she was covid positive and i was like come on let's mess around you're not that sick i just checked five days yeah you're probably just ovulating come on turn around give me the good stuff but i i was in like we would you, we drove from San Antonio to New York. And so most of that's in the South. You're in the South until you hit Pennsylvania.
Starting point is 00:04:29 Yeah, right. Even then. West PA is pencil talking. Until you hit Jersey, really. And it hits you like a ton of bricks. You get backhanded by a whop as soon as you get close. When we made the drive from Cincinnati to New York, my girl was like, we'll just get off in Jersey to fill up with gas and get a snack. And it's like, can't do it.
Starting point is 00:04:52 Yeah. It's hard. You got to drive 10 miles. First of all, you can't turn around. That's like when you're coming off the Penn whatever turnpike. Yeah. There's nothing. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:03 Well, the thing is yeah there's nothing yeah well it's the thing is there's too much and new jersey always makes it that you can't get from one place to another like quickly yeah you know you like get off and there's shit everywhere and none of it's open and none of its food you want to eat it's just open stuff and then there's a gas station six miles away and there's a giant median in the middle that you can't turn around yeah yeah just like what the fuck is happening up here i'm trying to trick you just to stay there forever that's what i think yeah but we we um then you get a chunky italian and uggs pregnant you're like well i guess i gotta open up a jug handle gas station i guess i live here i guess i live in mawa
Starting point is 00:05:40 i'm the mayor of belmar jesus christ i sometimes i would like drive around out there and i would like see you know just like a dude that kind of looked like me 10 years on but he'd be in one of those horrible like raw way or whatever yeah yeah and i was like if i fucking end up wearing a sean john velours jumpsuit not even that just if i end up being around that you know what i mean like i just would be I think I'd be gun in the mouth. Just depressed. You start plucking your eyebrows. You have a nice little curl to it. You're talking about just embracing it.
Starting point is 00:06:11 Just embracing it. Just like this is where I live. This is who I am. You were weird. You showed me some photos. Yeah, I did have some weird days. Did you ever do shows in North Jersey? Like a few. It's insane. It's insane.
Starting point is 00:06:26 It's insane. I'm weirdly disconnected. Oh, yeah, from North Jersey? Like I never have been very plugged into like the local, like the tri-state. I do New York and then I go to like D.C. or I go to Boston. Right, right, which is I think the right move. Yeah, but there's some money out there. Yeah, but North Jersey, man, it's too weird.
Starting point is 00:06:46 It's like, you know how comics will be like, if there's a kind of diverse crowd or a diverse group, they'll be like, you look like a college brochure. This is like someone was trying to make that and completely jumped the shark. The diversity in the room is not cool. You're like, who are you? i don't know how they don't know because you're in you're in like a weirdly urban area which is like north jersey but like
Starting point is 00:07:12 they're like are you talking like orange uh i know i know what you mean like yeah like orange is one of the towns like yeah yeah yeah like a like a junk drawer yeah a proper junk drawer like yeah you open up you, you got your wine opener, you got a deck of cards, you got weird pencils that you haven't used in a while. Indian penny. Rubber bands and Indian penny. Some, like, lucky charm your dad gave you.
Starting point is 00:07:35 There's some dice for some fucking reason. Forever stamps that aren't actually the correct amount. Yeah. And North Jersey is like, it's a junk drawer of, coach wallets you know like stand-up because it's like you genuinely want to be like who are you well that's that's what are you doing it's like connecticut though it doesn't have an identity it's just rich people trying to formulate a plan to get to the big apple that's all of vegas though that's like every vegas have you done vegas uh yeah yeah once like the comedy cellar there you walk in and it's like every Vegas. Have you done Vegas? Yeah, yeah, once.
Starting point is 00:08:10 Like the comedy cellar there, you walk in and it's like Kansas City Bachelorette Party. Guys that were in the Marines together getting back together for the weekend. Yeah, for some reason, a bunch of dudes from Birmingham. And none of them wanted to come to a comedy show. They were like, well, we got four hours Until the Spearmint Rhino Has our table ready Let's fucking go in here Yeah And then you're like
Starting point is 00:08:30 So I'm not like A very masculine man And they're like Oh fuck Get out of here Dude that's been the I feel like that's Like coming back on
Starting point is 00:08:38 Like from taking a break From doing stand up And then having The Stuff Island tour For the first time I was like Oh fans of comedy The experience you have When they're there To watch comedy instead of just being pulled to a
Starting point is 00:08:49 comedy club you're like yeah that was incredible yeah you're getting sucked from the front and the back and it's just lights out for two straight hours so crazy right now too because there's so many fans of comedy yeah they're i think we talked about this on the last episode where you would never see theaters being sold out by multiple comics every single weekend 10 of our friends are at a giant theater and you're just like who the fuck are these people you're like i should have stayed in raleigh dude i should have been mayor of belmore i fucked up well i fucked up because i was like on the other side of it i i'd been in la too long so i when i first got to new york like people would be funny but i'd be like that's like problematic
Starting point is 00:09:30 you know yeah we can't you know like i just i've gotten in this place where i was not funny i was very like much more like i don't think i was quite clapped or unfunny you know like where i was like trying to prove something with like i don't want to change the world, but I was like, ah, that's a little sketchy. And now it's like, I fully like embrace all of it. How many f***s do you have? No, there was like a guy though that I,
Starting point is 00:09:54 there is a guy that I, I used to kind of be like, oh, I don't fuck with that guy because I heard he was like super, like outwardly racist, like fully racist. Yeah. Like a real racist.
Starting point is 00:10:03 Which is frightening. Yeah. Like you're like, you're're racist and he's like indeed high five but then I started watching his comedy lately and I was like this guy's fucking hilarious I'm not contributing to the Patreon
Starting point is 00:10:21 but I'm like fuck it man life's short. I'll laugh at this motherfucker. Some of those guys, even like Nick DiPaolo, if you're watching his podcast, is like hysterical. That's funny for other reasons.
Starting point is 00:10:38 Shane and I used to watch his podcast late night. We would blow through his podcast. I couldn't stop laughing. But like when he wasn't trying to be funny, it was so funny. That's the best. Cause the visceral anger, that's like,
Starting point is 00:10:50 it's a glowing orb in his fucking organs of like, you know, like a guy wants to say the N word and like sprain his calf, like just really belt it out on your front lawn. Everything is illuminated. Well, it's also like, if it was like if it was like an intentional character and not like something that really is emanating from him,
Starting point is 00:11:14 it would be like Andy Kaufman level genius. Yes. He's saying the angriest shit you could imagine. And then he's also got his soundboard where he's like he's like hitting buttons and it's like it's so funny to think like a racist soundboard is so fun dude it's way to shave you shake down the curves you know what i mean their corners are out but it's so funny to think like you're that mad about what's happening at the U.S. border, but you're still trying to get the
Starting point is 00:11:47 ya-oo-ga. Ya-oo-ga. People docking in a fucking peach, taking my job. I know. It's a very delicate balance. He's Leonard Bernstein. Now we're going to go to Nick's wacky corner.
Starting point is 00:12:06 Dude, he's so funny. I think he's fucking unbelievable. I think it's hilarious that like, you know, I mean, I don't want to like besmirch the guy because I think he's probably a decent human. But real fall from grace, like really didn't read the tea leaves and kind of like the whole compound media group. Yeah. Like really didn't read the, they didn't look at the forecast yeah she and i were on there for a while yeah we did a we did a tour for delco it's trying to sell delco proper and promote we went like sam and or jim and he was with opie it was opie and jim then oh yeah i remember this and we did like a tour of all like bennington we did kumya yeah and then
Starting point is 00:12:42 kumya came to us and they were like yo yo, you and your Philly boys want to just have like a weekly show. And I was like, what does that mean? Because at that time I didn't podcast. It was the first podcast I ever had. And they were like, well, we'll just, we'll pay you like 500 bucks a week. And I was like, yes. I didn't care.
Starting point is 00:12:56 Yeah. I didn't know. I didn't give a fuck. I was like broke as hell. Yeah. I was like, the show didn't go. Yeah. It didn't go on yet.
Starting point is 00:13:03 And then we did that for like three years. But then saw like the everything shifting and moving and changing i was like i can this is why you talked talked me into doing stuff finally yeah yeah yeah we did that a couple times it was on the heels of that show being done and i was like no podcasting is yeah i hate it i don't want to do it and he's like let's just do it and they forced me to do it yeah i i i really love it i i've never cracked the code though like that's what i think it's like you got to find that thing like you guys are i'm not saying you're not i don't i don't i'm not saying lucky as like a diminutive you know what i mean but the fact that you guys are like two buddies and you just like did it and it's like it hit yeah because i've done that i've tried that so many times and it's just like when you
Starting point is 00:13:44 like get to like you know episode 25 and you're still looking at the patreon you're like wow that's not really going anywhere you're like i don't want to do this well he was he was balanced and saying like he was like look let's just take a full year don't worry about the patreon let's just get let's get one year out yeah and then we can where were you guys when you hit that year with where you like where you wanted to be oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah we got really lucky it did pretty well off the jump we didn't get lucky mom we worked our fucking dick off and people like us we were very fortunate i think the most important part for podcasting if any i have a friend that's like asking me like what what you me, just like anyone going,
Starting point is 00:14:27 hey, man, I'm looking to get in a stand-up. You have any recommendations? Do it. With podcasting, it's different. The way his mind works, even though we're congruent and we're on the same plane with many different things, he has such a different opinion and and a focal point on life and how it works yeah and everything he says is probably the opposite of what i think and feel
Starting point is 00:14:53 so conflicts in writing because they treat you they teach you conflict is content and that's how you create comedy so everything he says i'm like you're a fucking moron yeah and then out of that we find humor yeah so to talk for two hours with see i agree with this which is why it's bad podcast i know yeah yeah if you get a best friend going hey man we love the same shit it's not gonna work on a podcast you gotta find an asshole that you do love i think when i the most the biggest swing i took at it was with rosie And we had a decent following and stuff. We were doing fine, but nothing that was going to make us a living. You know, that type of thing. But it was like that thing also where we probably could have tapped into some...
Starting point is 00:15:37 There's like all these mini micro markets now, right? Where it's like if we wanted to be like a couple who is doing influence together. Yeah, got it. You know, like where we complain about what we did this week to each other. right? Where it's like, if we wanted to be a couple who is doing influence together, where we complain about what we did this week to each other. We had good back and forth because we really do annoy the shit out of each other. But we didn't tap into that market. See, that's a podcast I
Starting point is 00:15:57 would watch, is people like you trying to be that and struggling with it. Like you and your I'll watch an hour of you in hell. You and your old bud trying to be that. Like the actual
Starting point is 00:16:14 content you would make would be unwatchable but the behind the scenes what are we doing to ourselves? It would be like for Look at Dish Chris make us pasta tonight. Flower all over his face. Like, I don't fucking love this. I actually don't even know what I'm doing.
Starting point is 00:16:30 I'll get a part-time job in Jersey, dude. This show sucks. That's like the curse season, too. It's like just us stuck in like a parent influencer world. Where we have to go meet like Tammy and Gavin and do a collab video. It's like fucking... How to decorate your cul-de-sac with Andy Hanks.
Starting point is 00:16:52 Oh man, I fantasize about that though. I would love... I was watching this dude. He had one of those giant basements where it's just carpet and nothing else. Drop ceiling? I would love to just have that kind of you know like even if my commute to spots is an hour and 15 i get back i just have
Starting point is 00:17:11 that giant carpeted basement i got little hobbies down there i got little sections dude i i grew up drinking at this place called the polish american club in Clifton Heights, PA. And it was, when I talk about like the perfect scenario of a podcast, I'd have to buy seven lav mics and mic up all these animals. Yeah. And then just have cameras on every angle and then just have, you know, community talk. Like what they talk about. It's a shithole that had like Cheers or Simpsons or 60 Minutes playing. That's where they came to like,
Starting point is 00:17:45 they were living and dying at the same time. Yeah. And then I would just hire a separate guy to, to remove all the N words and the content would be. Perfection. That would be really amazing. If you could, if you could make a community talk and like you somehow got just like a
Starting point is 00:18:01 judge signed a warrant or whatever to just record. Like you were just without getting the rights from the people. Yeah. And unbeknownst to them, if you were able to record and film everything they were saying, that would be incredible. Dude, I met my brother. My brother's an electrician. He's in the electrician's union.
Starting point is 00:18:21 I would meet him for lunch and they're already pickled yeah they're still wearing they're like you know they got their own hall and shit the what the union yeah yeah local union 98 i think it isn't so they can go drink there oh no no no no they just go to whatever the clothes watering hole is no they just get ripped because that's why it takes seven years for a brick to get done certain fucking jobs where they just have like a place you can all go get yeah yeah no they do have a union hall of course they Certain fucking jobs where they just have like a place you can all go get fucked up at. Yeah, yeah, no, they do have a union hall. Of course they do.
Starting point is 00:18:47 But I would just meet them at a whatever local spot as I was traveling through town. And those dudes, I mean, they're fucking insane. Whatever local spot as I was traveling through town. Yeah, like when I came to Philly, wherever they were at, where they were building something, Chris. They built different places.
Starting point is 00:19:03 They don't work on... Like you were part of the circus. It's not fucking Egypt. There's not one pyramid. I'll see you in 10 years. I just imagine you hopping off a train. Like a cargo train. Next stop? For some reason, Tommy's
Starting point is 00:19:17 dressed in his World War II city. You got to fit in, Andy. You got your bag on. I just got back from the front lines. I'm willing to bet my brother's drinking over at... Cali O'Hellahan's. I got my lunch.
Starting point is 00:19:33 I always like to start the year with something new, Ian. So this year I'm expanding my palate to trying new wines with First Leaf. Personalized wines with convenient shipping. First Leaf makes it easy to explore new wines around the world so this is legitimately a wonderful gift idea it's a shame i didn't have this before christmas because it's something my father would like but all you do is answer a series of questions and it customizes it personalizes it to deliver wines to you based on your likes and dislikes so you say say, I like something a little more heavy.
Starting point is 00:20:06 I don't like sweet. Might find something in like the Bordeaux region. And then all of a sudden you got a box of wine delivered right to your door. Easy peasy. Isn't that nice? Huh? And cheaper.
Starting point is 00:20:19 I like that. You got to warm it up. That's how the lights know when I'm killing. Cheaper than going to the wine store. You just answer a series of questions on this website. It delivers to your door based on your likes and dislikes. It's pretty sick, dude. I get my teller box of wines from First Leaf.
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Starting point is 00:21:12 Six bottles, $44. That's crazy. That's T-R-Y-F-I-R-S-T-L-E-A-F.com slash stuffisland. Tryfirstleaf.com slash stuffisland. Hello, Fresh. HelloFresh. My dear friend. You saved me and my comedy partner's relationship. I say comedy partner
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Starting point is 00:21:56 i will speak on this it's true we've we've made a look at dish episode based on chris his inability to leave the house leave his bed and get to the grocery store, even to buy things. It gets delivered right to his door and he follows simple step-by-step instructions and he delivered. Did he deliver though? Or was it HelloFresh? I say 80-20. 80% HelloFresh, 20% Chris. That's how easy this is. Any moron can do it. Any more Connor can do it. Just an absolute ape can open a box. You have pre-portioned ingredients,
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Starting point is 00:23:13 market add-on items to suit any lifestyle so you've resolved to actually sit down and eat dinner around the table what do you do about those those nights when your schedule's packed you turn to hello fresh's lineup quick and easy meals including your 15 minute recipes designed to help minimize mealtime stress i'll tell you about this if you're not a chef if you're not a cook rather i'm not a chef i'm a personal cook for myself and my girl if you want to spice up the relationship you want to put a little pizzazz on on the bedroom life. Make her a HelloFresh box. She's not even going to know.
Starting point is 00:23:48 Unwrap everything. Put it out there. When she comes in, you have the instructions hidden somewhere, like a cheat sheet in college. Dice everything out. Set it up. Feed her. She thinks you are a chef.
Starting point is 00:24:01 Go to HelloFresh.com slash Stuff Island Free. All one word stuff island free and use code stuff island free for free breakfast for life that's insane one breakfast item per box while subscription is active that's free breakfast for life at hellofresh.com stuff island free with code stuff island free but that i mean that's the beautiful thing i i think i is those types of guys that would be way better podcasting that's what i'm saying like those those the people are way funnier a million times you i i think but if you show them these it might fuck them up that's what i'm saying you put hidden cameras yeah in a bar i'm sorry to cut you off no you're good or a vfw
Starting point is 00:24:43 like just let them ride and we'll do the editing. We'll take out all. You're not going to cancel from Local 98. The Pipefitters Union, you're fine. Yeah, the storylines. That's what got you the job is you being racist. Just calm down. I have like 10 friends who it's like, if I could get them on tape, they'd be great podcasters.
Starting point is 00:24:59 Great comedians. Yeah. But the second you pull out this. 100%. Dude, you know what these ring lights are that's a booster shot not my watch you fucking queer that's gonna turn you gay and next one i suck your dick uv does turn you gay. It does. UV? UV rays? Yeah. If that were the case, I'd be.
Starting point is 00:25:28 That's what I'm saying. It's funny, though, because I do think for a lot of those guys. You'd dress way worse without the sun. Oh, man. You piece of shit. Locked? Yeah, your hair would just be down. That comment is locked. Your hair would just be down.
Starting point is 00:25:42 Right here for one of Andy's. You guys do the first dark podcast after this? What if we did dark? Do you just sound location like a bat like Chris? I want to talk about rape. Where are you?
Starting point is 00:26:01 Over here. It's like paranormal activity. In bread. I want to do the first Over here. It's like paranormal activity. Inbred. I want to do the first Predator style podcast. The whole YouTube channel is just the same colors as that can. Heat maps.
Starting point is 00:26:20 So I'm fucking this bitch. You have a finger secretary? Oh, man. Yeah, no, I think that that's like something that, especially on the East Coast, I don't think we have that as much on the West Coast, but there's like, like I worked at this moving company for like a decade,
Starting point is 00:26:36 and there were so many guys at the moving company that were like way funnier than any comic I knew. Yeah. But they were all criminals, and you could never get them to do what it takes to be professionally funny. They're just funny. But if you ever try to bottle it.
Starting point is 00:26:49 The truth is, you either have to be really smart or so dumb that you don't even consider the intellect aspect of stand-up. You know what I mean? Like, a guy that you would pull off a construction site, you'd be like, don't worry about any of this, dude. Just talk. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, it works for a very select few, you would pull off a construction site you'd be like don't worry about any of this dude just talk oh yeah you know what i mean like it works for a very select few but the smartest comics i know
Starting point is 00:27:10 are the oftentimes the funniest but a lot of times there's a gray area where you hang out with him in a green room you're like this guy yeah he doesn't have it i think he can't do this yeah that's why i like acting's hard Yeah yeah I think actors You start thinking about It's like what faces do I make But I think like Some of the best actors Are the dumbest people Like when I lived in LA
Starting point is 00:27:31 I would meet great actors And I would like Try to talk to them And they were just idiots But the whole thing was like You were like You're a firefighter And they were like
Starting point is 00:27:37 I'm a firefighter They didn't go like What does a firefighter do When he wakes up And you know They were just like I'm a firefighter do When he wakes up And you know They were just like I'm a firefighter now You're pregnant with two
Starting point is 00:27:48 Two babies They're pregnant with two babies They're just the most Jedi mind trickable people Possible You don't even have to do the thing You're just like You're a firefighter
Starting point is 00:27:57 Like I am Just the people at the Stanford prison experiment That were just right on board You want me to kill them Alright I'll do it I signed the waiver I'll do it.
Starting point is 00:28:06 I signed the waiver. I'll beat the fuck out of my best friend. That's the one where they put him in jail and guards and prisoners? Yeah, guards and prisoners. And they were just like, I think they were just volunteers at Stanford. Yeah. Was it Stanford?
Starting point is 00:28:20 I thought it was Penn. Yeah. University of Penn, wasn't it? Was it University of Penn? I thought it was Philly. I thought it was Stanford. It's University of Penn, wasn't it? Was it University of Penn? I thought it was Philly. Is it Stanford? It was Stanford. It's either Stanford, like Connecticut, or Stanford.
Starting point is 00:28:30 It's got to be Stanford. Stanford. They're not doing any prison experiments in Stanford. Can you Google it? Can you figure out? I don't want them around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. None of the twin rings. I'm not dressing up.
Starting point is 00:28:40 I still don't understand why that thing was so bad, because they were like Here play prisoner Well I think they were supposed to just have Like you know Kind of like a fun little time And then they took on their roles way too seriously Yeah and then people started being like genuine dicks to people And people were like that alright you went too far there
Starting point is 00:28:58 Yeah you never graduate with a guy that became a cop And you hang out with him I went to like I went to a school that was like pretty lefty artist middle of seattle like maclamore went to my high school you know what i mean yeah like pretending to be gay jimmy hendrix went to my high school uh quincy jones went to my high school q yeah big q big q uh the diggable planets went to my lib tard hendrix got Q? Yeah Big Q? Big Q Hendrix is a lib Hendrix is a lib tard? Hendrix got kicked out of our school for
Starting point is 00:29:28 I mean I obviously was like Yeah Fucking 40 years after But he got kicked out for Playing a woman's clitoris Fucking a lady in the hall Nice That rules
Starting point is 00:29:36 Good for him Yeah he was cool He should have never been there We had a big bust In the library of Jimi Hendrix A big bust? Bust Oh like a
Starting point is 00:29:43 Head and Paper mache? It's just a picture of him getting busted coming in here. Get on your knees! Show me your hands! That's Jimi Hendrix there.
Starting point is 00:29:54 Can you see the headband? Yeah. He's wearing that way back then. He still can't stop fingering the girl. I can put up one hand! I'm busy fingering. Mind is back.
Starting point is 00:30:05 Is what Jim Jimmy would say. You know what bothers me right now? What? You know what grinds my gears? Let's get back to band podcasting. It's a new segment. No, honestly, God, every time around this year, I hate when people wear brand new gifts.
Starting point is 00:30:21 Oh, yeah. Like when I see your Christmas gear and your wish list, it drives me fucking insane. Yeah. Every person is wearing at least two brand new pieces sparkling. And I don't know why. The psychological aspect of this, I don't know why it bothers me. This is like predator podcasting.
Starting point is 00:30:39 That's Tommy's like scope on his shoulder. I never even noticed it. Did it bother you like did it bother you when you were in school and those like the the gear came out in september i don't know it might be because i never got the good stuff yeah this goes deep i'd like to talk to somebody knows what the fuck well like why i would i remember i remember that though like january when you come back to school and you would see people with all their new clothes yeah you were like this motherfucker yeah you have a shiny fubu jacket on dude you know what i would do for that dude i got this i got i
Starting point is 00:31:09 didn't i never got like the shit beat out of me but i got fucked with because i went to like a predominantly black middle school and that was like my main like wigger days yeah and i sorry am i allowed to say that i don't know yeah but Yeah, of course. But, like, I showed up with a Philadelphia Eagles starter jacket. Like, a beautiful, like, full zip. Not the poncho. Oh, yeah. Like, the pullover. Like, full zip.
Starting point is 00:31:36 What? The zip and button from 91? This would have been 94. It was a gray jacket. Yeah. And this other kid, Brian, had the same jacket. And he was like, you fucked up. Like, it was it was a gray jacket and this other kid brian had the same jacket and he was like you fucked up like it was like on like you either get rid of this jacket or i'm gonna beat you up you weren't allowed to have the same charter jacket make it into a quilt or we'll have problems
Starting point is 00:31:56 wear this on the weekends when you visit your dad you have visitation rights for your starter jacket but we we came to the conclusion, because I was like... We mutually agreed. We mutually agreed that if he took my dongles, whatever the little things that... What are those called? Croquis? Tie-offs? No, they're things you push them and they... They tighten up your thing?
Starting point is 00:32:19 Oh, he might be for sports. Dongles? Yeah, he goes, you give me those, we're all right. Give me your neck mufflers, we'll be but i remember i did get like i got punched punched one time because i bought the same sneakers as a kid yeah and it was like he was like he was like fly you know what i mean like he was just like the kid always like really well faded well dressed and then he had these shoes on i showed up the same day that he had them on and he was like all right you fucked up and i remember he punched me so hard was brian black what was he black yeah yeah all the all the kids that were punching me were black yeah i wasn't gonna let
Starting point is 00:32:56 the white kids because i went to like a magnet school for like so everybody that was white at my middle school was like a like a. It was like an advanced program. So they were all like autistic and weak and malnourished. But then they just pumped us into the, they just bust us onto the hood. Yeah, yeah. This was the Seattle prison experiment. Lower learning. lower learning yeah do you ever try did you do you ever try to explain that hitting someone over sneakers is insane no because i fully
Starting point is 00:33:33 went the other way where like half the kids like you know they just stayed indoors and just kind of tried to stay out of people's way i mean school was kind of segregated just on base where the classrooms were and where your locker ended up but like i fully wanted to be black i like like i permed my hair at one point so it was really curly i wore like you know like dicky suits i remember at one point i had a red bandana in my back pocket because everybody at my school was a blood and i was like god it's cool it's just a color yeah i was like i'm with these guys so it's probably fine at one point i had a baby mama just because no i did all of it i tried so hard i remember i saw kids like you know selling crack yeah and i was just you know
Starting point is 00:34:18 i come from like this affluent neighborhood and see i don't know is that really crack you know wow and they're like we're gonna kill you if you say anything I was like great I'm blood bro yeah I'm part of one boy slav as a Filipino uh bloods yeah pacific northwest is nuts like that you just have pods of like actual gas so crazy and then just like local trash yeah because it's weird like Seattle Seattle seattle and the suburbs are kind of like this weird mix of like you know because like you also you're like you're where you lived got different groups of immigrants right yeah like seattle got like laoasians and vietnamese and samoans yeah yeah and then all of a sudden we got like tons of ethiopians and somalians and that was kind of like what was you know made it but we didn't really have latinos we didn't have like a latino
Starting point is 00:35:03 presence yeah congrats yeah it was nice uh but then you go out to the outskirts and it's just fucking just the rednecks like way beyond anything yeah like it would make pa kind of look like dignified yeah would make like central pa be like well those people have their shit together yeah in the northwest they're just damp and racist. Yeah. Well, they get vertical. Yeah, exactly. They get vertical. That's the thing. It's like we have hicks, but they're at sea level. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:35:32 When hicks get vertical, they get scared. Yeah, when they get to high ground. Elevation. Yeah. When hicks get vertical that's beautiful oh really spooky that's when you want to be careful yeah you see a redneck above 2000 get low dude get low get flat and low wear camo just like that on your rollerblades get downhill yeah yeah i don't know what it is but it does bother me Wear camo. Strap on your rollerblades. Get downhill.
Starting point is 00:36:05 Yeah. I don't know what it is, but it does bother me. I look at the boots. I look at the jacket. Everything's sheen. But you're a pretty well-dressed guy now. I do a year-round though, baby. But do you think it's just like a... You think it's Christmas once a week.
Starting point is 00:36:21 That's really what you hate about Christmas. You feel like people are catching up You guys aren't buying new shit all the time You fucking Porsche You buy new stuff Oh nice shoes How about me every week Again
Starting point is 00:36:34 Again No dude we talked about this I love putting I purge some of my sneaks Every couple months. Put them on the curb. There's so much foot traffic because we don't have a dump for...
Starting point is 00:36:52 What do you call it? Clothes? Yeah. Like a donation. A donation box. We used to have one and they got rid of it. So now you just put it on the railing. Gone within seconds. That's great. It's incredible. I saw some guy in the coffee shop with these boots I got from Nordstrom Rack. They were your boots. My boots. Nordstrom Rack. That's great. It's incredible. I saw some guy in the coffee shop with these boots I got from Nordstrom Rack. They were your boots.
Starting point is 00:37:07 My boots. Nordstrom Rack. It's like dangerous. You put stuff out there and you can hear like tires screech. You turn around and it's like a fucking
Starting point is 00:37:20 Stephen King novel like The Langoliers or something. There's the boots. I turned around. They're gone. There's another fist. I turned around. They're gone. There's another fist fight over some Kenzori's album.
Starting point is 00:37:30 Oh man, I just realized because I hadn't driven down... What is that? Steinway? I hadn't driven down. I get real racist. Are you doxing us right now, Ian? You don't want me to say that? I'm not trying to. I learned what that word was like six months ago.
Starting point is 00:37:45 Because we got the ox. No, but it's just like I get real racist when I get to these like... Finish the sentence. No, but it's like a neighborhood where people double park a lot. Yeah. You know what I mean? Three-point turn town. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:59 When you three-point turn, you know you're in a neighborhood that's... Maybe they do that in your country. But in America, we have rules. Dude, people will three-point turn in the middle of hectic traffic, and it's like, the balls are you. Not just go straight, take a right, take another right, take another right. But if you honked at them, they would want to fight, too. Yeah, of course.
Starting point is 00:38:20 It's great. Why do you want to live here? You're fucking... Wait till your daughter gets to 13. Come out to a real place. They're ready to fight. They got their flashes on. They got time.
Starting point is 00:38:28 It's a warning. Dude, I saw that exact interaction happen outside of our door where like a guy was parking and a delivery guy on a moped was like on his ass, I guess. Yeah. And he got out and he was like,
Starting point is 00:38:42 you fucking piece of shit. This is your first time in America. We don't fucking do that here. We don't fucking do that here. And the guy on the bike eventually started just going, fuck you. Fuck you. He's like, oh, you speak English now.
Starting point is 00:38:57 Oh, you speak English now. And he had to back up his moped. It was crazy. It just has Grubhub on his back. This was like Christmas Eve. That's something that's beautiful though about the East Coast is because I feel like I grew up my entire life, like you can say fuck you to somebody in Seattle
Starting point is 00:39:17 and it's probably just going to go away, right? Yeah. Like if somebody fucking does something stupid on the road, you go, you fucking asshole. And they honk and then you both go. In New York, like you go, fuck you. And like literally I saw like a post truck stop and the postman was ready to fight. He was like, you're going to call me a fucking asshole?
Starting point is 00:39:35 Let's do this. I'll give up my pension. It's so beautiful. We just don't do that on the West Coast. I think it's safer here because of that, because you know you can get punched in the face. This is what we were talking about last night yeah the accessibility and the threat of violence will make a community stronger and tighter dude yeah and a family and a family that's why you don't have a threat of getting punched in the fucking mouth it ruins i consistency
Starting point is 00:40:00 of laws when i first moved here and i was parking I gave a guy the finger once because he was honking behind me and stuff. He pulled up next to me and he was like, roll your window down. I was like, no. He was like, fuck you. I'll fuck you up. I just sat there and let him pass. I remember
Starting point is 00:40:22 thinking that was right on the edge. yeah i found a guy right he was the perfect guy to give the finger to because he let me know that there's a lot of people out here that will kill me i i yeah i saw some guy do that where like they both stopped in an intersection because they were honking each other both were trying to take a left turn they fucked each other up like they got too far out so they couldn't take the left turn and so they were window to window and they both were like nobody could go anywhere dude i always say i hate it like i lived in north philly i went to drexel like so today but i lived on temples campus in fucking dude it was fallujah it was nuts Dude I I drove up there
Starting point is 00:41:06 A couple years ago Like during the pandemic I did a move I had no idea What North Philly was about North Philly is Like it's like Baltimore It's that same thing
Starting point is 00:41:12 Where there's just Whole blocks That are condemned Yeah So we lived like Six blocks off And proper Like there was only
Starting point is 00:41:18 Three houses on our block That weren't boarded up And it was owned by Some dude who was like From LA Who was like a surfer dude And he didn't give a fuck about anything. He bought three or four of these properties for like 10 grand.
Starting point is 00:41:28 That guy's a fucking gazillionaire now. Nine of us lived there. And the only saving grace was a police station across the street. But every now and then, you know that Chappelle joke about the baby selling drugs out of the limo or whatever? Oh, yeah. I became accustomed to loud either gunshots or fighting or screaming in the streets to the point where when i go like the poconos or like a mountain
Starting point is 00:41:53 if i went to utah yeah i can't sleep because it's so peaceful yeah yeah yeah and i also was raised where like there was a we had a trolley in our backyard i need sounds of mayhem trolley in the backyard yeah it was our house was here and then we had a small backyard. I need sounds of mayhem. A trolley in your backyard? Yeah, it was... Our house was here and then we had a small backyard that was the size of this rug, grass, and there was a fence and then a trolley.
Starting point is 00:42:12 Oh, okay. So it was a ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, and then the trolley would run through every 20 minutes. And then you go to the land of make-believe, Mr. Rogers. Hey, Ian, do you ever realize
Starting point is 00:42:24 how many subscriptions you're actually paying for? If I asked you how many do you think you're paying for and how much money is actually coming out of your bank account, would you know? You're goddamn right you wouldn't. I mean, I would have said yes because I'm prideful, but I'd be lying. And if you sign up for Rocket Money, they'll save you. They'll save your life dude
Starting point is 00:42:45 they'll save your wife too your relationship they save money for people they save relationships because you're paying for subscriptions that you shouldn't be paying for and without rocket money you have no idea it's in the it's it's out there there's a few companies i can't speak on and i'm getting i just got an email from a company I've been paying for, apparently for like two and a half years, pulling from my old bank account because I switched banks. Had no idea. No, Rocket Money seriously is legit.
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Starting point is 00:44:41 You really didn't like that. Dude, I would love it Like he was saying I was making this all up No if that little cat or whatever The king was on the trolley Dude shut the fuck up I did like that little cat The little animatronic cat
Starting point is 00:44:56 He's like there's trouble in There's trouble in North Philly The Sicilians are at it again mr rogers letting letting the cat call black sicilians i uh i had no idea that north philly was like that until and then i saw all the tiktok stuff about what's that neighborhood that's kensington kensington i've never seen that butterly like explain the whole thing yeah dude he lived in that muck for his whole life he just moved like three years ago he finally yeah he
Starting point is 00:45:31 had a funny joke about like we used to pick him up to do like sketches and shit yeah and like me and mckeever would pull up and be like holy fuck dude they'd be like you know there's like rolling balls of like hay and yeah it was rolling balls of like dollar store bags with just a tire on fire yeah just like yeah what's up dude where we going i was in um baltimore last weekend for uh i did that club the port great little like brand new club very comic run that whole thing uh but i was like driving a radio to do radio on Friday morning. And I drove through like a whole neighborhood where like literally for like 20 minutes of driving, just like the wire.
Starting point is 00:46:10 Do you remember the wire? Yeah, of course. Like blocks and blocks of empty houses. Like I'd never seen that in the city. And then just randomly, there'd just be like two houses where like Christmas decorations, the whole nine yards.
Starting point is 00:46:20 And then just blocks and blocks. Just liquor stores and churches. Yeah, exactly. I got held up like four times really on temples with a gun dude where he where he was on temples campus i don't know if this happened i think this might have happened right after you left but they literally put up stadium lighting on the streets oh they would do that they would do that like and it would just be all night on the street like not street lamps like fucking floodlights floodlights there's no darkness on the street uv rays that's why they're not gay there yeah it cooks them out of them yeah they were getting too gay they're like get the lights on turn up the heat toughen these kids up yeah they're already bad asses
Starting point is 00:47:02 can't we me when i first moved back to New York I lived with Racine like on DeKalb and Throop street like right in the middle of Bed-Stuy and it was just like every time there was like some shit like like at a project where like there'd be a shooting the cops would just come in with this cherry picker with just UV lights on it
Starting point is 00:47:20 and they just set it up and that was like their crime different it was weird though because there'd be a cop in the cherry picker i didn't know what he was gonna do he just had floodlights he's just yelling down him you guys better stop that there's more of us he was like you're ruining our podcast we do a podcast in the dark a lot of callbacks yeah i like it he's saying like sim city the new feature of Sim City. Instead of putting a prison in it, just put lights.
Starting point is 00:47:49 Just floodlights. Yeah, just floodlights there. I never played Sim City. I never played Sim City. I was busy fingering, throwing touchdowns. Yeah, sometimes you've got to build a city in between that. True. You know?
Starting point is 00:48:01 You didn't play soccer? Give her time to heal. Or a very competitive railroad. What? You didn't play soccer? Football, baseball, basketball. Or a very competitive railroad. You didn't play soccer? Football, baseball, basketball. Just because you're Italian. It's localized too.
Starting point is 00:48:09 Yeah. Yeah. But Italians, like culturally, you would root for Italy, right? Italian and Irish. Mostly Irish. You're mixed. Okay. That makes sense.
Starting point is 00:48:19 I'm going to spoil this. All my Italian fans out there. This guy's a fucking fraud. He's a fraud. Talking shit on Belmont. Now this. I feel like that's every Italian guy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:48:34 Pieces of shit. Yeah, yeah. Full-blown wops are garbage. No, every time you're like, full Italian, mostly Irish. Yeah. Well, that's a safe. You know what I mean? You don't want to do too much in the bag you can't have too much you'll od dude you quickly od on wop you gotta have a little
Starting point is 00:48:51 sprinkling of german and irish i love it when they got that like when they're like culturally just north jersey but they like the family's got them in like a puma tracksuit yeah you know it's not even cool like adidas tracksuit. They're wearing French Connection, the FCUK shit. They were wearing crossbody bags like 2010 capri pants. They got that tiny forehead. Just hair
Starting point is 00:49:15 all the way down to... They've got a widow's peak right here. They go visit family for the summer and they were fully gay. You're fully gay in Italy. You're like, what the fuck is that? Dude, my brother used to call me Eddie Munster. My widow's peak growing up was fucking bananas, dude.
Starting point is 00:49:33 Really? There was only one piece of section of my body that every hair wasn't connected, and it was like right here. You guys both have great hair. Thanks, bud. You guys are so fucking lucky. I got transplants. You did?
Starting point is 00:49:44 Yeah. And they worked out, obviously. Kind of. I have to do a little bit of maneuvering. What kind of product? My body rejected. I can show you my product. You'd be great with.
Starting point is 00:49:53 You have thinner. Not too thin. You're in between thick and thin. I started taking the pills. Oh, the dick pills. HIMS? No, just the Propecia or whatever. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:50:01 How's it working? Is that a thing? Is it real? I don't know. We have a new sponsor for hair health. They don't say hair whatever. Oh, okay. How's it working? Is that a thing? Is it real? I don't know. We have a new sponsor for, for hair health. They don't say hair growth. Oh,
Starting point is 00:50:09 hair health. It's hair health. Who is it? Um, I don't know. I forget. We did the read a couple of days ago. You remember and all this?
Starting point is 00:50:16 Well, I endorse them. Yeah. I support your new sponsor. They didn't send me a box of stuff, but if they do, I'll happily shove them up your ass. No,
Starting point is 00:50:24 I got, I got the hair transplants, but I like fucked up. I like just thought it was like I could just go back to normal life. I just started working again, just sweating, doing all the gross stuff. You got to like sit there for like weeks. Without fucking up the growth? Exerting, you know, shit like that, yeah. Because otherwise you're overwatering the garden when you see it? Well, also like just the like...
Starting point is 00:50:46 Stress? I just fucked with it too. I like fucked with it. Because like you get a bunch of the garden when you see it. Well, also, like, just the, like, I just fucked with it, too. I, like, fucked with it. Because, like, you get a bunch of scabs all over your head. Oh, yeah, you're picking at them. I was just, like, kind of. Just doing a lot of thinking. Yeah, exactly. They take a strip off the back and then.
Starting point is 00:50:57 That's the old way. That's called, what's that called? Landscaping? Sodding? There's, like, two. There's F-U something, F-U- fut or something and fue and fut i think is like the one where they take the strip yeah and that's like you see those guys sometimes now like they'll turn it didn't work like if they get like sweaty or they go swimming you're just like oh shit you got like a whole thing yeah but i got the one where they took like all throughout the back of
Starting point is 00:51:22 my head oh wow so you couldn't individual follicles that rules and they implant them that's the one i just insert them right wow yeah 2000 so it's it's literally putting rosebuds yeah not rosebuds i didn't mean that as your wife it's fine rose bushes yeah and just in the garden yeah you're just plucking hopefully half of them work and they do it a lot, the best place to do it is Turkey. You know about this? Like, if you go to Turkey, you'll see, like, thousands of men with bandages on their heads from doing it. That's the place to go. That's, like, a normal thing in, like, the U.K.
Starting point is 00:51:55 is you fly with your buddies for your bachelor party. You go to Istanbul, you all get hair transplants. It's like Miami and Mexico for asses and tits. Yeah. How did they get so good at it? Is there a big bald turkey population? I think they're hairy. I think they're hair people. They are hair people.
Starting point is 00:52:09 I think they're also cosmetic surgery people. Oh, really? Sand and hair people. That's what we call them. The land of sand and hair. The land of sand and hair. The sand and hair belt. Is he one of the sand guys or hair guys?
Starting point is 00:52:23 He's both. How did he do that? I don't know. He lives on both sides of the B in hair. The sand in hair belt. Yeah. Is he one of the sand guys or hair guys? You're like, he's both. He's both. He's some dark guy. How did he do that? I don't know. He lives on both sides of the Bosphorus. But he ain't going to three-point turn in my name, buddy. That's their sad version of that. Callback City.
Starting point is 00:52:34 Yeah. Do you ever go to the hookah bars? I've been once. How was it? The fucking Heineken was like $12. It was nuts, dude. The fat girls were banging, though. Oh, I bet.
Starting point is 00:52:45 Dude, the puke outside of a hookah bar is something I've always... The way a dog searches for the scent of another dog's piss every time I walk past one of these hookah bars on Steinway. Well, it's got to be Spin City in there. You're taking in that much tobacco and drinking. You've got to walk out of there just like... And the bass and the music.
Starting point is 00:53:01 The lights. It's like going on the Gravitron. Remember the Gravitron? Yeah. It's like going on the Gravitron. I used to hookah all the time when I was like 20. I love that shit. I thought it was so great. I was like, this is cool.
Starting point is 00:53:13 It's kind of ethnic. It tastes like ass. I did one not too long ago. I didn't go to an actual hookah bar. It was a place in Manhattan that I had no idea what it wanted to be. It was like an oyster bar, but they had hookahs. And my girl and I were like, let's get a hookah and see what it's like. And I was like, okay.
Starting point is 00:53:26 And it was like. It fucks you up, right? That's a podcast I would listen to is guys picking up chicks in loud environments. Jesus Christ. How do they do it? Mic them up. How do they do it? What do you say?
Starting point is 00:53:38 Yeah. Every time I'm in a loud bar, I'm like, what do you even say at this volume? I know what they say. They go, what's up, ma? You good? That's it. And they're like, come in me. Fill me up, daddy.
Starting point is 00:53:48 Yeah, that was my theory is that it's loud so you can't talk and you just swap bodies. What if we started, I think we should start a movement where guys like us start wearing the shysties. I like that. You know what I mean? I like that. It's the balaclavas, like the thing that all the teenagers wear. Yeah. I think we should start wearing them just for fun. Oh, my God. It's the balaclavas, like the thing that all the teenagers wear. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:54:06 I think we should start wearing them just for fun. Oh, my God. It's never worked once for a woman. Can we do a podcast episode where we all have shais on? One million percent. We'll pretend this didn't fucking record. Come back over. I got three waiting for us. I used to wear those for sports in the winter.
Starting point is 00:54:18 Yeah. Baklavas? I didn't realize that they would catch on off the field. Yeah. They're good for crime. I guess they do make it good. They help with crime. So funny.
Starting point is 00:54:32 I don't know. There's something funny to me about committing a crime with an Under Armour bottle. It's like, yeah, it's branded. Is that sweat wicking? Yeah. It's actually good for the crime because your pheromones go up and you would smell, but this stuff wicks Would you call me
Starting point is 00:54:48 Dude there was a fucking On the way home from the gym like an hour ago Yeah Passing one of these trees there's just a Set of Honda keys car keys Some guy was like found on the street Just put them on one of the branches I'm like that's kind of nice but it's also
Starting point is 00:55:04 Kind of fucked up. Yeah. And then as I was walking 50 feet, there was four Hondas. So if you're a piece of shit, we have a lot of druggies coming, ripping through our trash for $5 cans. Did it have the electronic
Starting point is 00:55:20 opener on it? Yeah, it had the fucking... Oh, you could have just beeped it. Yeah, she could have just beeped it and then put it in the car. I wasn't touching any of that. it and then put it in the car i wasn't touching any of that you just put it in the car but they come back and they go oh my god i left them in the car and they got no idea about this story you go and you set the alarm off that's a nice one because then they're like what is my car alarm find the alarm yeah write your number and name on the thing saying, call me when you get this. Or you take the, I should have took the keys off the tree and fucking roof them. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:53 That would have been the neighborly thing to do. What if Dinklage was knocked out on the roof after I tossed him up there and just got awoken by Honda keys smashing off his giant weird far away. That's such a disappointing moment. I remember I locked. It's not a call back end. I remember last time we talked about it. Who did he do it to? Asmuth? Asmuth. Yeah. He winged him, dude.
Starting point is 00:56:11 That's why I want to know. Asmuth's Dinklage would be a great fight. He's the only challenge. That would be a very good fight. That would be awesome. It's bear versus lion. Yeah, that would be fucking awesome. God, dude. I think I i give it to dinklage yeah i think he has more fight in him yeah i don't know dude's dude's like a man wins
Starting point is 00:56:36 super sweet and he's he's harboring something that hasn't been unlocked yet yeah jeffrey has something that's when you say jeff, he does. Oh, yeah. He's got a fire in him, dude. Yeah. I bet you he goes fucking ham, just chews his nose off. Jeffrey the Joffrey Asmus. Joffrey Asmus. Jeffrey the
Starting point is 00:56:58 Joffrey. Just to keep it all good. That's all Dinklage hears. Dinklage throws his chicken wing 20 minutes later you're there announcing jeffrey's return to kick the shit out of dinklage you've all souped him up it's just a cop with a spotlight
Starting point is 00:57:16 i uh i think i said on the on the last episode uh was like that reminded me that every time I've met anybody that I've respected it's been an awful exchange
Starting point is 00:57:30 anytime every time I've met a comedy hero they've been like I want nothing to do with you yeah they're pieces of shit
Starting point is 00:57:36 they do not like me yeah yeah that's why we got along because I saw them it's almost been like a running theme for your life
Starting point is 00:57:44 it feels like yeah oh yeah everyone you like doesn't like you well i definitely think i have like uh black people at school that's true well yes he's no but i do i do he's offensively white you have tapped into something which is i have a very like um like howdy doody ass you know, really want you to like me. But it's like, you know, like the friendly thing. Like Esty from the Comedy Cellar. She hates me. She hates me. And it's all because I like wanted her to like me so much that every time I'd come in, I'd be like, so Tel Aviv, what's Tel Aviv like?
Starting point is 00:58:17 You know, like trying to fucking talk to her about Israel. And she was like, nothing to do with you. That's why I'm going to walk up to her and I'm just going to go free Palestine. Yeah. Whisper it right in her fucking ear. Just have the hookah with you That's why I'm going to walk up to him I'm just going to go free Palestine Whisper it right in her fucking ear You got to hit him first It's prison rules Let him know who the fuck you are I'd like to do time here
Starting point is 00:58:33 Like a lot of Palestinians have been doing the last 70 years Under your control Piece of shit Asshole bitch They actually surprisingly have a bunch of Arab comics there. You know what I mean? Yeah, Moe. Moe. They got Moe who's like fully
Starting point is 00:58:51 outwardly Palestinian. No shit, dude. But you know, he's like advocating for Palestine. There's other Arab comics there that aren't necessarily traitors to their own race. Yeah, cowards. God. Nothing worse than
Starting point is 00:59:07 the opposite. Like a Schumer. Yeah. That bag of shit. That bag of hot dogs been yapping about fucking... Anyway, you have anything to promote, Andy? I'm doing a tour with Amy Schumer. Gonna be going out with Amy.
Starting point is 00:59:27 Hitting up all women's colleges. No, I got a... I did like a crowd work thing. That's going to be on my YouTube. I'm pretty proud of that. Nice. When's that coming out? It's coming out next Friday. Nice.
Starting point is 00:59:41 So it'll be out probably by the time this comes out. In two days? Five days. um nice fifth so it'll be out probably by the time this comes out in two days yeah well yeah five days yeah we can do that yeah yeah for your special you do i would appreciate that that's great yeah it's coming out on my youtube it's just like uh i gave a bunch of people an email and then i wasn't allowed to look at the email until 24 hours before the taping and then i got the email opened it up and then tried to write an hour in 24 hours i did not succeed. And then I got the email, opened it up, and then tried to write an hour in 24 hours. I did not succeed, but I did a lot of crowd work and storytelling.
Starting point is 01:00:10 And it's fun. Dude, that fucking rules. Yeah, it was a really fun time. And then, yeah, I'll be at, I think I said this maybe last time, but I'll be at the Laugh Factory in Chicago February 18th, doing one night there. Hell yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:00:24 Laugh Factory in Chicago rules. I love that place. Yeah, I'm stoked. It's almost like a little theater. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. february 18th doing one night there hell yeah yeah that factory in chicago rules i love that place yeah i'm stoked it's like almost like a little theater yeah i like that
Starting point is 01:00:29 yeah it's in wrigleyville right i think so it's right by the stadium i thought it's up there i think it's like
Starting point is 01:00:37 by boystown yeah the gaberhood yeah chris does this he gets his autism gets going yeah
Starting point is 01:00:44 he loves the Google Maps shit I'm there I've been talking about I think I don't want to die I just want you to upload my consciousness So I can walk around Google Maps Just be a Just upload it to the server
Starting point is 01:01:00 And I'm just Going around Turkmenistan Like wow They got McDonald's here too. Have you ever done VR Google Earth? Well, I have an Oculus. No, I haven't done it yet. Oh my god. It's incredible.
Starting point is 01:01:15 I've done the cardboard one. Dude, I just go to the Grand Canyon and look. Do you have Oculus? Yeah. I did the cardboard box one and I walked up. I think I have to leave him alone. I think I need to exit. I think I have to leave him alone. I think I need to exit. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:25 If you talk right now, I think I've done enough. No, but you can like walk up, uh, you can walk up to the top of Everest in VR. Yes. I did that.
Starting point is 01:01:34 Yeah. You can do that on Google earth. You can go to any mountain. That's all mapped out. It's sick. That's great. You can go like, you can go like,
Starting point is 01:01:42 yeah, you can go anywhere. You can go to the national parks and just walk around. See, I like that shit. Or you can go to just cities. All the cities are built up. It's crazy. That's fucking brilliant.
Starting point is 01:01:51 Yeah. It fucking rules. I've been thinking about doing a live stream just called MapQuest. And all it is is just two hours of me walking around doing MapQuest shit or Google or shit. Just going to like different countries and making fun of stuff oh dude that would be so fun i think it would be really fun yeah all right maybe i'll do it yeah you could do like a crowd working kind of thing with people that that are like are just in the photos walking well the funniest thing is like for every location
Starting point is 01:02:18 like on google maps there's uh people tag their photos there so you'll like you'll be like at a gas station in the middle of mexico and if you look through the photos they'll eventually be like a family and they're just like in front of the gas station you're like why did you tag this but they get wacky i guess yeah uh is that it are we done yeah yeah yeah that's it uh head up head over to the patreon to see another hour with andrew gracias

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