Stuff Island - Stuff Island #103 - Mr. Friend Guy w/ Ian Fidance

Episode Date: October 18, 2023

Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Ian on IG: https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/?hl=en Go to http://sheathunderwear.com and get the most comfortable underwear you’ll ever wear. If you use the promo code STUFFISLAND, you’ll also get 20% off your order For Hero Bread. Use Discount code LOOKATDISH for 10% off at hero.co Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Did you relapse? Are you fucked up? Because I said be here at 7. You're like, 7.30? Good. I was like, just get here at 7. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And then you're like, let me listen to Death Metal in the backyard while I have one more cigarette, which I knew you had six on the way here. You fucking dickhead. What happened? Were you? Come on. I had shawarma and it was bad news. I had my own Israel versus Palestine going on in my belly.

What's going on in your asshole? A lot of people were displaced. Who's winning, dude? Who's winning your asshole? Nobody wins in this war. The battle of shawarma. That is a good way to support. You start ordering from other restaurants.

And then you shoot your brains out for the rest of the day. Oh, God, yeah. I got a shawarma place around here. It's really good. Never lets me down. But I didn't know when I was ordering. I was like, am I...

Who are these people? Who am I giving my money to? Are these Israelis or Palestinians? I don't know. In was ordering. And I was like, am I? Yeah, but Williamsburg. Who are these people? Who am I giving my money to? Are these Israelis or Palestinians? I don't know. In Williamsburg, it's Jews. I didn't know if I should tip or if I should steal. All right, we're all going to pick a team. Which team you want today?

You want Palestine or Israel? CNN. Yeah, dude. So Jews. What about you, Chris? I have barely even been paying attention. I saw that. Oh, dude. I saw that. It's like finding out the groundhog saw its shadow

It's like alright 400 more years Toddler's getting his head cut off in Israel I guess 400 more years It was a varmint so it is kind of like a groundhog Let's do Stub Island The Middle East crisis. Dude, it does feel like you're watching a rerun like, I thought I seen this one.

Oh no. I seen this. Is this where George gets sick? Oh, fuck. Is this where every fucking open mic-er in Brooklyn wants a free Palestine, but doesn't know how to throw a punch? Yeah, this is the next decade's Black Square.

It's fun. Twitter's popping off, dude. Twitter's... I don't know anything other than visuals. Visuals get me fired up. Well, you must be in fucking hog heaven. Tommy's king of terrible video games. He was comparing it to sports.

He wakes up every morning and he's got Super Bowl highlights every day. Oh my God. What a catch! He's grabbing a woman's hair. Baby's head falling to your lap. He caught that? We're speeding?

He get both feet down. Jesus Christ. The war is terrible. Let's start by saying that. War is terrible. Don't take that out of context. War is terrible. War is very bad.

You're not supportive of any team. You were the Chris Berman of the Middle East. He's constantly combing your hair, looking at the highlights. Look at my little feet. I'm on a roller coaster. He's constantly combing your hair. Looking at the highlights. Look at my little feet. I'm on a roller coaster. He's gone. Only got to enjoy Taylor Swift and Kelsey for about a week. Yeah.

They took that from us. Oh, dude. I am loving Lenny Dykstra's Twitter feed right now. Oh, shit. He's back home? He's so pro-Israel and like pro-Trump and everything and I'm just quote tweeting him and going

a long grand slam home run Lenny Dykstra and you can't tell what side I'm on. Dude. Yeah. Dude. That's my worst nightmare Is to just be Old and just

Demented Like just Having dementia And then tweeting about Israel We're already there dude Yeah dude you're there I'm not there You are

Wait what? Yo the best is Carl Thani? That is what like It is when I'm in An old folks home That is like How they're gonna have

To take care of me Is just come in Do a podcast Do a fake podcast Oh dude I mean we're going To be We're going to be

Podcasting Until we die Until the In the old age Nah dude Is your guest here And I'm just Shitting in the next room

Doing ads for products That don't exist. And Mark and Mary's catheter emporium. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I... I said Mark and Mary's catheter emporium.

Dude, last year around this time is when the Dykstra episode came out of the podcast. And I go, Lenny, can you tweet about it or whatever? He goes, yeah, I got you, bro. No problem.

The next day, his two tweets, one of them was- Black people smell weird. No, no. It was like, support the iAnimal Foundation. That was what he tagged. It was like an Asian American animal thing. And he goes, he invited two other guys

to have a great podcast. He couldn't even figure it out. The other tweet that he told me, he said, I got you. It'll be the first tweet I tweet out tomorrow. I go, okay. I look, and his tweet was it was on 9-11. He goes, I will pay someone $100,000

if they can find footage of a plane hitting the pentagon also i did a podcast yeah yeah dude i remember i remember i remember we went to other guys i do remember that i got salty dude two other guys that's it dude we went to get i remember we went to get chicken sandwiches or something after the podcast. And we go there and he picks out a corner. He opens his laptop and starts doing emails. Yeah.

And I just remember thinking like, who the fuck could you possibly be emailing? What... And what are the contents of those emails? Dude. You're... Like, you couldn't... You couldn't... Any story of his that lasted longer than 90 seconds

just disappeared. You know what I mean? There's no way you're crafting... You know he left his laptop there, right? Yeah, and he called me, and I had to go back and get it, and I had to get him a special Uber where he could lay down because of his back.

And so I bring his laptop to the Uber, and he's laying down. I said, God, you got my laptop. Thank you. And he just took it and put it on his belly, and they drove away. Imagine. Dude, the idea of delivering a hearse is so funny.

He's just popping in an AOL free 87 hours of Wi-Fi or internet. Dude, he got donuts. He ate like four donuts and he had all schmutz all over his face. And I remember him saying how much he loved the podcast and thanking me. Dude, it was like Star Wars. I was dodging bits of donuts flying out of this fuckface's face yeah god damn he was great yeah let's get him back you guys i'll call him again right now with him dude every time he's gotta come back he either

picks up and goes king of pussy at your service i go lenny can you come and do the pot he goes i can do it whenever you want I'm available 24 7 365 and I go alright how about next Tuesday he goes I'm not available next Tuesday alright so you lying charlatan I called him the other night when we were watching the game here let's see if he's in my

recent calls what is he doing during the day well let's not bring up the game last night I was in a bad way Lenny Dykstra. What is he doing during the day? Oh, let's not bring up the game last night. I was in a bad way. I hope he picks up. We should have redone game one. Is that?

At the tone. Oh, right. The voicemail. He's upset with you. He's mad. I don't know what his deal is. Well, he's been watching you retweet his dog shit. Oh, does he? Is he in on the fact

that i bet he comes and goes i bet it's like it's like uh like a blue whale breaching the surface to catch every now and then he just gets back to his senses fuck this guy fuck that guy and he could he just submerges back i love him yeah yeah i love him god me too all right i'll call him keep calling keep calling Until he picks up Keep calling Until he blocks your number Yeah that is so funny He's not gonna do our pot again

Him Him Him Lenny Israel Palestine Who you got Yeah What's up Len

How you doing What's going on man Did you just call me Yeah yeah I was calling to see If you'd come back to Brooklyn Do the podcast again.

Oh, are you? Till when? Tell me to swing by right now. Oh, you got to be in court on Friday? Ah, man. Are you busy tomorrow? We're going to game three tomorrow. Oh, you know what's only a few We're going to game three Tomorrow

Oh you know what Actually we're all going To game three tomorrow Did you see the Phillies The other night? What a heartache huh? No I didn't see what happened Oh yeah

We could do it Um Um Oh Yeah I know It's everything I can imagine Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, let's do it in December. All right, yeah, let's do it. You want to come to Queens or you want to come to Brooklyn? Queens. Yeah. All right, Queens. Yeah. Yeah. All right, cool. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, we'll call him back. I'll be down, dude. I'm coming in like December 2nd, okay? December 2nd. Let's fucking go. What do you got? You got the Phils or the Braves? Who you got?

Who you got, dude? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yep. Oh, you didn to watch a game. Oh, you're going to watch a game? Oh, why the hell not, man? All right, cool.

I'll see you December 2nd. I'll call you. All right, bye-bye. All right, bye. Oh, dude. I wanted so bad for you to ask him how his day was. What did he do? I don't know

Don't you wonder what his When he wakes up in the morning Morning What a stretch When he wakes up Wakes up and not just Starts breathing again. Alright, okay.

Alright, okay. That's what I imagine. Like Tommy said, he just says every once in a while he's got 12 hours. He's like, okay, okay, we're alright. Tomorrow, we change everything. I find my laptop. And then just right back in I feel bad I was just like mocking him

it's okay he's not watching the Phillies he's not watching Stuff Island I go oh why weren't you watching the Phillies he just goes radio and silent he's not going to be able to digest what's happening do you think he has any like enemies he remembers

I bet he's got prosthetics put in his body to keep it hard. I want what's best for him. Me too, Ian. What is that? He's doing this shit to feel bad about mocking him, so he's saying this dog shit. No, I really do. The guy was a hero of mine, asshole.

Yeah, no, I get that. He was a hero of all of us. I don't want to exploit him, you know? Well, you just did. Well, I know, and I feel bad about it. You've done nothing but exploit the guy. What are you talking about? Your whole relationship with him is a giant exploitation.

Yes. What the fuck are you talking about? And that's okay. That's okay. No, it's not, Chris. It's bad. No, it's not. You're a piece of shit.

Why don't you buy one of his car washes? I fucking bought so much of that guy's stuff. I fucking bought the lies he sold me that he was going to come to the school and give a speech and he fucking lied to me about that. See, even then you were trying to exploit him. Yeah. You were going to come give a talk at my school. I thought that'd be

great about an old ball player makes good. And then he told me he was going to walk in the school and go, I'm Lenny Dykstra. Suck my dick. And I go, Lenny, they're in high school. And he goes, so what? I'm Lenny fucking Dykstra. And I was like, all right.

What a legend. Well, got to meet you. That's good. Here's a good question. Would you sacrifice your mental capacity and your livelihood in the past, let's say the winter years of your life say the the winter years of your life the last 20 years of your life to be lenny dykstra famous wait what no so he's gone yeah he's gone he's been

gone he's dead he's out to the reservation yeah he's a fucking he's a he's a robot at this point yeah i mean there's no no no I would not no that's the question that's like would you

would you like would you give up being a person to be like a tiger because they can jump no no you have dude he had

fruitful years wait wait wait you go you go would you give up the last 20 years of your life to be Lenny Dykstra

who has tarnished his fucking memory and his good standing with the past 20 years of his life to be Lenny Dykstra who has tarnished his fucking memory and his good standing with the past 20 years of his life. That's a point. You got to live the good years. The first 40 were spectacular. If you stop

answering texts, you'll understand what the fuck I'm asking. I'm fucking sorry. I am busy and I'm sorry. I am. The question was sorry I am the question was are you trying to exploit us too it's just always an angle with you it's crazy dude I talked about this

I said we shouldn't have him on you were such a fucking cock sucking motherfucker you were a liar and a fucking liar yeah twice I doubled down sometimes what did you lie about You were a liar and a fucking liar. Yeah. Twice. I doubled down sometimes.

What did you lie about? His statement he just lied about. So for 40 years, you say, live prolifically like Lenny Dykstra. Yes. In any field. Yes. Athletically, probably the best. And be like a god for 40 years.

Yeah. And then... you're giving out fuck baskets like derrick jeter right and that but then you're known as like a complete fucking psychopath degenerate robber in in your bankrupt in the last years of your life you're not only bankrupt in your business you're bankrupt in your life and love it. I won't do it. I think it's a good question. I think I might. But for 40 dynamite years,

no one gives a shit. It's like a kid. No one cares about a kid for the first 13, 20 years. Who gives a shit? You're mush. When you're 60 to 80. The formative years, I think they call that. I think those life-defining ones. When you're 60 to 80? The formative years, I think they call that. I think those life-defining ones.

When you develop everything. You're a mush. When all the most important things happen to you and it defines who you are as a person. Your parents care about you. No one gives a fuck about Chris O'Connor's year to 13 years old. You're mush. Don't tell them that.

No one cared about you. Don't tell them that. What are you about you. Don't tell him that. What are you talking about? I think you might be projecting. Yeah, don't project your little fear. From zero to 13, nobody cared about you. I wanted to be a baseball player. Do you remember?

You were there. Call Lenny back up. Call him back up. Did anyone care about me? He did fucking nothing for me. No, it is a good question, though. You know what I mean? Because it lasts like 20 years of your your life i don't know you know on those last 20 years when your body's beaten

down and you really need someone to step up and take care of you and you've burned every fucking bridge yeah uh-uh yeah yeah true no yeah but that must be a lonely fucking life. You're a misery a lot earlier. Your only friends are guys that want you to sign autographs at card signing events. Friends? You know old people with friends? If you know an old guy with friends, he's a fucking psychopath. I'm going to be an old guy with friends. Dude. I kind of agree with this.

Do your dad? Of course you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm spitting wisdom. Wait, what are you talking about? Yeah. You know an old guy with friends? I'd like to be one.

A friend? A friend's dad? You have a friend's dad? I didn't mean that. Do you have a friend's dad? He is a liar. Yeah. He is a liar and a liar.

Do you have a friend's dad that has like buddies that come over no they're isolated they sit in their basement that's because they all had a life and for for went they went for a family and all that stuff and it bites them in the ass in the end because they don't have any friendships i'm not not going to have a family. I'm going to be Mr. Friend Guy. I already have a lawn chair I keep in front of my apartment. You're going to be Mr. Friend Guy. I'm going to be Mr. Friend Guy. I got a lawn chair, rocking lawn chair. I keep it in front of my apartment. I drink my coffee.

I read my paper. I say hi to my neighbors. I make friends wherever I go. I'm a jolly old fella. That's the life I'm going to have. It's not real. It is. No, it's not. The guys at my diner are my That's the life I'm going to have. You better make some young friends. It's not real. It is. No, it's not. That's for your own. The guys at my diner are my friends,

and we enjoy each other's company when I go there to eat alone. No, dude. You got to. You need young people in your life. The only ones you can bring. So you're saying you want to be an old guy with young friends? That's weird. Someone's got to protect you.

Yeah. Your group of old. Everyone's got to protect you yeah you you're old just everyone's trying to take your money when you're old you're just a mark especially now i was i was i was at home with my parents and dude every interaction now that someone's just trying to fuck with them in what way i like that dude dude they went they went to get like new phones keep them sharp and they went to like a Verizon store, but it was like a franchise Verizon store. They all are. It's Taco Hut.

Well, but they just like, they just signed them up for a bunch of shit that they didn't sign up for. Yeah. And so they like had to like call and like. This is my point. And then, and then they're, dude, the phone at my house,

I was like, get rid of your home phone. The phone rings nonstop with people like, it's literally people being like, this is Joe Biden. Would you buy? Dude, dude, dude. It's like, it's people trying to get them to sign up for shit.

All right. Nonstop. All you're doing is proving my point. They're like, uh-oh. You need to give us your social security number, dude. Yeah, they're mush. No, they're not mush. They're not mush.

I signed up for a cell phone when i was like 16 i found out i had like four people on a family plan i went into an at&t like 10 years later he's like dude you know you're you're paying 150 a month yeah there's four people on your plan i was like what do you mean he's like yeah you somebody signed you up for four family members when I was in college. I was mush. Yeah. Wait, what? Zero to 20, mush. 60 to 80, mush.

Kill them. You think the only time you're not mush is 20 to 40? 20 to 60? 20 to 60? 20 to 60. 20 to 60? No, in his life, 20 to 40, and then for 20 years, you're just existing. Mush, mush.

Yeah, yeah. You're sawing into mush. existing. Mush, mush. Yeah, you're sawing into mushroom. Like Brendan Fraser in Encino, man. Yeah. Well. Dykeshoes got it made, though.

Dude, hold on, hold on. That dude could do anything At this moment In 90s Philly yeah but right now No he can't do it Imagine Imagine the hell of being That

And then now you're not and still thinking You are And that sad reality But I think his mind is so gone that he doesn't realize what he was. Oh. I mean, we've spent, we spent like four or five hours with him. Yeah.

I don't see his awareness whatsoever. Not just of the present, but of the past. Then he puts it on. Maybe. He remembers. Yeah? I mean, yeah. He was like telling stories on the podcast. along. Maybe. He remembers. Yeah? Yeah, he was like telling stories on the podcast.

He tells the same four stories. Yeah, yeah. Eating pussy. He told his stuff he didn't tell before. He's got a giant tongue. He tells the same stories he told 30 years ago on Howard Stern. He told them. The fuck are you talking about?

Explain all that. I'm saying, but he remembers. He tells his teeth out. Giant tongue. Eating pussy. What else is there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd like to hear, like, you know, fucking war stories of his come up, taking steroids. Well, that's why. Being in the dugout. Dude, he's still in the thresher, dude. He's got to be in court on Friday. Did you hear him? I bet he's so used to saying that. It's like a mantra.

Yeah, he probably, he probably. It's like a mantra. It's like a peaceful mantra. Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, gotta be in court on Friday, Friday, Friday, court on Friday, Friday, Friday. He falls asleep. I gotta be in court on Friday. I gotta be in court on Friday.

I gotta be in court on Friday. Everything else is so chaotic, but as long as he's in court, He's got a bus stop. Yeah. A great old mother. I'm going to be in court for him. That's a new level of fame where he's like, oh, I'm not a big deal. You know what people are suing me?

You have any car washes I lost? If I'm not a big deal, why do I have to be in court on Friday? What would you ever do to get to court? Yeah, yeah. The L in Lenny's stance were litigious. Well, anyway, Lenny, if you're watching, come to the pod. We love you. What happened with your guys' ping pong battle the other night?

Oh, I fucked them up. Really? You posted, and you didn't even show the other side of the table, which was me doing real well. There weren't. Your fucking chick didn't take any good pictures of the other side of the table. Your guy took the pic? Your chick took the pic.

And it wasn't good pic taken by the chick. It was very good. You look hot. Thank you. I appreciate that. You're a beater. I've been working hard. You're looking good.

You look great. Thank you. That's not the point. The point is you lost. And it came down to the end. Well, it did. We got all the way to 21. 21-19. The point is you lost. And it came down to the end. Well, it did. And it was gone. We got all the way to 21.

21-19. Also, during the middle. That's the game. During the middle of the game, we stopped and started hitting ping pongs at Chrissy and Santino. And that was so fun. So much fun. That was so fun. Dude, I walked in there.

I was like, spin. This is ridiculous. How old are we? No, dude. As soon as I grabbed the paddle i was like yeah i get it yeah this is why you jumped in ping pong yeah i beat the piss out of rick glassman yeah amazing yeah yeah and then palestine came in and i really lost i lost two games to one to schultz really yeah it was battle as soon as he got in he was like chris grab a paddle and we just

we went to war it was lost immediately we had you let a guy with that haircut beat you in ping pong schultz wasn't there well he wasn't there when you were there he left talking about last weekend yeah chris got there way before oh schultz was there that night about monday yeah monday this was what are you talking about saturday's birthday yeah oh he was there yeah he was there early. Oh, okay. But you let him beat you? I thought I lost him.

I didn't let him. I thought I lost him. I didn't let him. Dude, I was... We had some epic points. You almost convinced him that he was in a dream. One of you was almost convinced that the reality that you were discussing

was not happening. You almost made him go, yeah, no, Monday. How many times have you gone to the gym? We weren't there Monday. He's got a monthly membership spin. All right, let's take a quick second and thank our newest favorite sponsor for today's show, which is Sheath Underwear. Sheath makes the most comfortable boxer briefs I've ever worn.

If you're sick of boxers that are too loose or briefs that are too tight, Sheath is for you. And I will say that is true. Their they're tight i love sheath i wore sheath all weekend out on the water is fantastic my only issue is sometimes my pecker just sometimes i don't want it in the fucking peak hole you don't need it in the p i know but it'll fly in there and you can't have a high i don't like to i don't like to i got high nuts that I don't like to wear high nuts that keep the wang up top. But I'm saying your dick must be high on your body. I think it's a normal spot. I just think I'm more of a young bull. You might have a high dick.

My young bull balls. Some guys must have a low dick that's basically coming out of the body. Ew. Hermaphrodite? Yeah. Stranger things have happened. Oh. I know I'm not wearing Sheath underwear

right now, but Chris likes to say this line and then we check his underwear. I am wearing Sheath! Let's go! Holy shit, you should have read it! Yeah. Oh, I'm so sorry. I took that thunder from you. No wonder I was so positive. We wore them all weekend.

In the freezing cold. No, I only wear black underwear on game days, and I have a specific brand that I wear. Where the fuck is the finance? But let me tell you, these are the most comfortable boxer briefs you will ever put on your body. Their stretchy fabric is made of moisture-wicking technology.

They're super soft and keep everything cool and comfortable in the right place. Go to sheathunderwear.com and you'll get the most comfortable underwear you'll ever wear. If you use our promo code STUFFISLAND, all one word, you'll also get 20% off your order. That's sheathunderwear.com

promo code STUFFISLAND for 20% off your order. They also have new bamboo pairs and new women's collection that are perfect for all weather conditions. You think the women have to put their little coutures in a little pocket? And if they have big beefy bags on the side, like the labia, they have like little labia skirts.

I wonder if you could put some type of thing up in there that's like kind of like a balances the pH. You know what I mean? Almost like in a pool. Like a built-in douche? Not a douche. I'm just saying that like in... Like the underwear would come with a thing

they could put in their vagina where like... It's almost like how pools have chlorine. You know what I mean? Oh my God. It's not that crazy. Okay. It wouldn't be chlorine. Let's talk about Hero Bread.

It's not chlorine exactly. I'm just saying. It's like you got... Pools got a filter. You're making it worse. I'm just saying. It's like you got pools got a filter. You're making it worse. Pools have a filter. They got a... You need a filter. You need a filter.

Come on. Come on. Why do you use hero bread? Because it's low calorie bread, right? It's very low calorie. I don't... Zero net carbs. Net carbs. Low carb. Yeah. Low carbs or calories? It's very low-cal. I don't... Zero net carbs. Net carbs.

Low carb. Yeah. Low carbs or calories? What's the difference between carbs and calories? I believe it's a bit of both. They're half the... Basically, the products we used on our look at dish, it was about half of the competitor's amount of calorie.

So for the tortilla sheets, it was about half, roughly. Okay. So it is lower calorie. High protein. A lot more protein. It's like all the good stuff. And I thought it was going half, roughly. Okay. So it is lower calorie. High protein. A lot more protein. It's like all the good stuff. And I thought it was going to taste bad. To be honest with you, it was very fucking good.

We did it for our chicken sandwich episode. So I highly recommend. Anytime someone can make something that's better for you and doesn't taste like absolute dog shit. Also, it saved really well, which was kind of a surprise. Did you guys, yeah, we gave you a few loaves to take home. Yeah.

The loaves, I thought, were going to go so quickly. Because the bacteria doesn't know what to do. They've never seen it before. There's no preservatives like the other shit, so I didn't think it was going to last that long when it did. All the mold is trying to get on there,

but they go, no, no, this isn't it. Taste and texture, this bread is soft and fluffy. True. Delicious, tasty tasty flavorful scrumptious true watch chris mow through seven slices before we start at the episode primary nutritional interest is high fiber and or ultra low net carbs and or zero sugar per slice discount

code for first purchase look at dish for 10 off at hero.co again right now here bread is offering my listeners 10 off their first order just go to hero.co that's h-e-r-o.co and use code look at dish all one word l-o-o-k-a-t-d-i-s-h to save on hero bread today all right right? Yeah, that felt like that game where you do like one foot, two foot. You hold on the bars. Asians fucking rip at that game, dude. That's it. That would be so sick.

Dude, he literally, I walked in here today. I walked in here today with this t-shirt and he goes, where the fuck did you get that? I was like, you were there. A fan gave it to me. I was like, you were standing right next to me. He was like, how was it? I love how he's talking about how Dykstra's mush.

I know. Nah, you were only mush when you were a kid. Tommy, you're mush now. He's only got the same four stories. It's like... You know how most folks go to Paris on 9-11? Jesus Christ. I'm fucking Marty Morshmael.

Oh, my God. That's so funny. Without the career, you're sitting over there. It's like, it's a tough question. I might make you jump. And I'm like, not bad, not bad. What do you guys think I should do? Kill myself? It's a tough question. I might make you jump, and I'm like, not bad, not bad. What do you guys think I should do, kill myself?

I do want to go to an old folk home and just rip through puss. Ew. Those guys are getting it, dude. Apparently it's real. Look at the puss they're ripping. No, it's real. It's not good. It's real.

They're not hot. No, you're all the same level. They's not good. It's real. It's good for... They're not hot. No, you're all the same level. They're not hot. Some of them... I mean, I imagine. I imagine some of them are decent. Are you about for older people? He just wants to see someone react to how good he is at fucking. He wants to see an old lady...

Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no. I watched... You want to see an old lady go, I no no i watched uh you want to see an old lady go i don't even know what's happening to me i've been alive for 90 years and this is you saying i want to break a hip late late years yeah yeah you're right can i say that's what i'm saying i think i think like can i say it'd be like if you're a pro quarterback like throwing a football in front of a child that's not it yeah yeah no i my God. No. I want to suck a fat wrinkled bag.

Oh. What? Like weird. If you're old. Tell me. Decrepit. Let me finish. You guys keep cutting me off.

All right, go. You want to rape an old woman? During your non-mush years. This is like when a quarterback's back at the 10-yard line scrambling. I knew it. It's just like, I'm going to be someone open downfield. This is going to a quarterback's back at the 10-yard line scrambling. I knew it. It's just like, if anyone opened downfield, this is going to be nuts. Maria's down there somewhere. Just hucking it up.

Just throwing the ball off screen, and you're like, oh, my God. Fumble Ruski. Ironically, she's saying the Hail Mary. Hits her dumb fucking forehead. Okay, so when you're old, you got bags. Yeah, no. When you're old,

I imagine you want to live the sexual fantasy and continue it. Yeah, but do you want to fuck old people as an old guy or do you want to fuck old people now? No, this is what I'm saying. He wants an old woman to not even believe her luck

that Tommy's fucking her. No. That is. Also, that's crazy. That's what you just said. That you're saying. Tommy's fucking her. No. That is. That's also crazy. That's what you just said. That you're saying. That's what you just said. No, I was playing with you

so that you would move on and the fact that you keep bringing it up is crazy. The last thing that you said was if you were an old woman you'd want to live your sexual fantasy. No. That is the last thing that you said.

Listen, this is very simple. Guys. Okay. All I want to do is extend. Strike two. Bah. Bah. Outside.

Leave it down to the dirt. Didn't even have to frame that one. Here comes the O2 pitch. I'll tell you what, right now, if the fucking, we're going to the Phillies game tomorrow. Are you? Who's going?

Me, Chrissy, and Foley and Kevin. How lucky are we that we all have each other and could possibly all end up in an old folks home together? Oh, dude. Wouldn't that be cool? Yeah. You're going to die of AIDS. I'm going to die of an overdose. Chris will be mush in five years.

Dude, if you think I'm turning to mush faster than you, you're all right. It's a good old-fashioned mush-off. Then the empire has already won. Dude, you're full dextra already yeah you are the closest

to dextra out of all of us thank you so much that guy you don't do chalk cause you're gonna keep your teeth thank you so much

what a compliment no I'm saying you wanna you wanna parade around puss as long as you can until you hit the dirt mop up some

some sag bag. I don't know. Why are you thinking about fucking old pussy now? Because I hear stories about orgies from old folks. Who is a credible orgy source? Charlie. He runs a fucking ice cream shop. Who's that?

You can't even think of an area. I was trying to go mid-Jersey Talking about mush Over in You know Charlie Portland, Oregon Oh yeah

You could have just said Dittmar Nah You can't go to Dittmar You gotta go deep dude You gotta go deep in Jersey You don't You don't know a Charlie

Do you? I do know Charlie My Uncle Charlie And he tells you stories Tommy We don't call them Charlies Now it sounds like We're in the old folks home.

But Tommy, you don't know a Charlie. Yeah. Yeah, I do. He runs a... I'm just shoving an applesauce up my ass. Tommy,

the ice cream shop's been closed for 25 years. 40 years. I used to go there. Good, Tommy. Just me in the middle of Baltimore getting robbed.

Somebody put on Jeopardy and slowly put a pillowcase over his head. Damn. You ever watch like Cheers at a fucking VFW? Or like a Polish-American club? No. No. Italian-American club? It's the saddest shit in the world.

Do people stay quiet to listen to the dialogue? No, just... Yes. Yes, exactly. What VFW halls are you going to to watch Cheers marathons? A Polish-American club where you'd watch old men... Oh, I thought you meant like recently. yes exactly how do you have W-alls are you going to to watch cheers marathons Polish American Club where you'd watch old men

oh I thought you meant like recently you ever watch Seinfeld in a foxhole what no no dude

call Lenny back get cable I'm getting bullied right now oh my god fire Lenny you ever watch Grace Under Fire

at the dentist's office you remember Brett Butler? Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh. Funny you started getting real religious. No, war is bad. If I just started getting real religious. Luh.

Now, war is bad. Yeah, it's bad, man. War is bad. But. It's hell. Good content. But. What?

The Braves need to be killed. Uh-huh. The Atlanta Braves. They need to be murdered. They need to be beheaded. Call Hamas and be like, hey, while you're at it. Yeah. Have you ever heard of the Atlanta Braves. They need to be murdered. They need to be beheaded. Call Pamas and be like, hey, while you're at it. Yeah. Have you ever heard of the Atlanta Braves?

Yeah. Yeah, we hear they're letting women drive in Atlanta. Every plate appearance, she just goes. Just show them what the fuck is up. Yeah, that was a heartbreaker last night, huh? It was. I was very distraught. How the fuck is up. Yeah, I was a heartbreaker last night, huh? It was. I was very distraught. How the fuck did that happen?

It just fucking left the guy in for one too many pitches. You got to take Wheeler out. As soon as the first guy got on base, get him out of there. It was like pitch count 92, 94. Get him the fuck out. We got Nola Wednesday. He had a no-no. Shane texted me.

First of all, this is fucking Shane's fault. Shane texted me, we got a no-no going. And I was like, dude, it's like rule number one in baseball. Don't talk about it. That's why no one talks to a pitcher sitting in the dugout.

Don't address them. Don't touch them. Don't look at them. Yep. Just after that first hit. Just after that home run. It's because Shane probably has their ear on him too. And he doesn't care.

Do a little dance after you throw a strike. Like he does with his NFL players there's a little harem of NFL players I texted him I was like you fucking ruined it and he was like

I'm sorry I felt bad about that yeah he can go to sleep with that shit it was bad I got in a fight with my girl really?

yeah I'm so white trash why? because of the Phillies? I just was distraught yeah really? because you win that second game which we should have won if they beat us out right they'd be like My girl. Really? Yeah, I'm so white trash. Why? Because of the Phillies? Yeah. Really? Because you win that second game, which we should have won. If they beat us outright, I'd be like, ah, it's a long series.

Yeah, but to be at 4-0 is like, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah, tomorrow's going to be a banger. And you guys are going down to Philly. Yeah. When are you going down there? We're leaving at 1. Woo!

Oh, nice. Game's at 5, right? 6. Yeah, 6. Maybe it is five Yeah it is I think so Really Shit we should leave earlier

Why are they the five o'clock game Nobody gives a fuck You know Philly is the only city That cares about baseball Yeah As far as I'm concerned No it's true

And your concern Matches mine Cause we're both concerned It's not the only city But it's up there. Yeah, yeah. It's like you're telling me any other city is as fired up as fucking Philly is? No.

Our fucking wild card games are better than most World Series. Yeah. Even in a baseball town. Yeah, give it the prime time slot. What's the other game that's going to be played? The fucking Diamondbacks and Dodgers or something? Yeah, who gives a shit? Diamondbacks are up 2-0

to the Dodgers? Yeah, they are. They shut them out. Yankees. Yankees. The Yankees. We get past this series. Oh, yeah.

If we get past this series, we're coming back here and playing spin the bottle in the pocket. I'm going to have three old folk people. Get your dice ready. Yeah. I'm going to rip you to stretch marks. Dude, that would be so great if you assembled a crew of old people

to hang out with. Dude, Shane. I would have them washed up, though. I'd make them wash. What? I can't smell like the old yogurt pussy. I'd have to get them all cleaned up. Dude, that text that Shane sent us the other day was like

it was shocking because he was like, he sent us a text. He was like, I can't believe it's the MLB playoffs again and I feel like I've been on a bender the entire time. Yeah. The year? Yes. The past year. Yeah, yeah. Because I swear after that after that month, I was

like, all right shut down and i remember drank every day dude the start of that was when we all played dice upstairs yeah yeah till like seven in the morning and it has been that day over and over i feel like for you guys yeah yeah no yeah it was the fucking best dude tommy dy. Tommy Dykstra. Oh, yeah. Mushy. Tommy the Mush Dykstra. Tommy Dykstra. Tommy Dykstra is so funny. Get me a jersey.

The Mush. The Mush and the Sponge. Yeah, we got a new podcast name. There it is. The Mush and the Sponge. The Mush and the Sponge. Move over King and the Sting. The Mush and the Sponge The mush in the sponge Move over king in the sting Oh, I love it

The mush in the sponge Dude, write that down We got merch Yes Oh, that's amazing Oh, I love that So, what do you have coming up? Do you have anything to promote?

Oh To imagine? So glad you could ask When's this coming out? Two weeks Yeah Oh I'm filming a special December 3rd

That's sick Let's go At The Cutting Room Sunday December 3rd Two shows 7-930 Say it for real Sunday December 3rd The Cutting Room

Two shows 7-930pm I'm filming my first special. That is so exciting. Thank you, guys. I'm so excited. Oh, that feels nice to have you feel that way. Man, I remember doing pizza shows with you in Delaware. I still have the flyer saved

of you, me, Foley, Monroe at Applebee's New Year's Eve in Philly 2011. Matter of fact, I think I can find it. God, that headshot. Oh, dude.

Oh, wow. That was like your first day at intern business school headshot. It's bad, dude. It's bad. It's wild. Let me see if I can find it and pop it up. Me, you, Monroe, and Foley? Yep. At the Applebee's.

At the Applebee's. God damn. A Paul Goodman joint. Was it a profile picture at one point? Oh, it definitely was. Yeah, I probably loved it. I was like, this is such a sick pic. You're just looking through all dick pics?

Yeah. There's my penis. There's my penis with the hat on. Oh, there it is. Yeah, there's my penis. There's a big old penis. a Come on please be in here Oh yeah There it is

2011's last laugh Look at that Let me see it Is that not incredible Look at the camera Or just send it to the boys Yeah we'll just have to text it. Zoom in.

What is it? Look at that. Look at your little glasses and your wide neck. Damn. Wow. Applebee's 2011. Yeah, called Last Laugh 2011 at Applebee's.

How wild is that, dude? you just got a new story that's crazy 2011 i was at applebee's you ever hear the mush? Woo! Also appearing, Brian Fennell, Jack Martin, Paul Goodman, Chase Lamar Smith. Starring Tommy Pope, Philly's funniest competition winner, featuring Monroe Rarton and H. Foley, hosted by Ian Finance. Monroe R.R. Martin. Dude, this picture of Tommy is out of control. It's crazy.

It's crazy. It's crazy. I had a full-time job. Could you? What a psychopath. Oh, my God. Like, just fucking bring that Tommy back. That's what I'm saying. No, I look like a Dominican insurance salesman.

You do. You do. It's horrendous, dude. God. Dark facial hair is crazy. Dark facial hair. Fucking hair gel. Those were the days.

In the hair. The little rectangular glasses. They were in. You're going, you're going, what do I got to do to get you into this apartment in Rittenhouse?

Yeah, well, it's like the fucking Indians aren't going to give you the answer to the test unless you have those glasses on. True. What? Chris is upset with me for some reason. What are you talking about? What happened? I don't know. He keeps doing stabs, and they're not even landing.

He's just saying aggressive shit. I'm saying that I would have gotten those glasses if I was an engineer. You were just like, the Indians aren't going to copy off of your test. What? No, it was the other way around. I graduated five years after that. Yeah, but you were still. I was 32 years old, dude.

You were still thinking about it. Yeah, really? No, I was probably 29. You were my age. 29 or 30. You're 37. I'm 38. What are you doing? I'm 38. I'm almost 39. I'm 38. What are you doing?

I'm almost 39. Are you ripped? Yeah. Holy shit. This is Foley 30 chins ago. Look at him. Foley? Yeah, dude.

Oh my God. You let you rip? Yeah. I didn't eat all day. I had two beers now. I came back and I was like, woo! Yes. Let's go.

Yes. I'm moving in. Where's this venue? The Cutting Room, 32nd and Park. I'm moving in. Where's this venue? The Cutting Room, 32nd and Park. I'm very excited. I got a lot of fun things planned. Is it going to be like a spectacle, like a whole thing? No, just like different promo stuff.

I'm shooting and stuff like that. I'm using my buddy Dan Seeley, his band King Nine. I'm using them for like the intro and like I don't know I'm very very excited that's awesome yeah

proud of you thank you thank you yeah it's gonna be fun I think are you nervous no incredibly

but no no it's gonna be great I'm very excited and you know I think I think it'll be really fun I would love for you guys

to be there I'll be there I have balcony seats I would love for you guys to be there I have balcony seats for all my friends I'm gonna be at the Eagles 49ers game December 3rd I understand it's fine oh my god I'll be there in spirit go to the game go to the game

go to the game I've known him for 15 years the Eagles are playing the Niners the Eagles are the Niners. Well, you know. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Over a decade and a half of friendship,

but one guy smashed other guys. My kid. Tom, I'm getting married. During the Vikings-Eagles game? What, are you out of your mind? Did my dad miss my brother's birth? Nuh-uh. He was at the Flyers 74 Stanley Cup playoff. Shut the

fuck up. That's wild. You have to. It's only tradition. You got to. His first son. His first son? Yeah, my oldest brother. Wait, did he know your mom's going into labor? It takes nine months for it to

happen she didn't call him in traffic going i think i'm having a baby no but if your water breaks in the first period there's no way to get in touch there's no more periods i gotta wait did he know she was having a baby what did he know she was having a baby back then i think they yeah i think they- They had like an idea. Quarantined you before- Quarantined? He couldn't just bop around the streets. Huh?

I don't know. No, you get in a cab and you go to the- Yeah. A cab. I don't know if he had a car. Yeah, or he goes, hey, I'm going to this game tonight. And she goes- I don't know.

I may be having the kid. And he chose a game over the kid. Get him some bread. Get him some bread. Get Chris a slice of rye. You know, it's actually not. I called my mom a cab from the Flyers Stadium. What's that? Come on.

Well, that's what I'm saying. She's by herself. She can't drive herself to the hospital. She was probably already there. I don't know the story. I'm going to get that. Quarantine. You said quarantine.

What are you talking about? You are fucking mush. I'll get the story. One of the papas is pregnant. Don't fucking let this... We got to kill it as soon as it's like the movie Alien. Get the ass, man. No, it's Gremlins.

You can't feed that bitch after midnight. She starts popping on a dozen wops. Yeah, she gave birth to two kids. She had twins. One died. What, are you kidding? No. Wait, one died at the hospital?

No, one died giving birth. And your dad wasn't there for that? But the Flyers won. I just like the idea of your dad wasn't there for that but the Flyers won I just like the idea of your dad get into the hospital looking at a receipt that there was supposed to be two on what I miss when's the next one come I ordered a double do Do I have time to get a hot dog? The receipt. No, no. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

There's no twins. I was kidding. Oh, Jesus, Tommy. What the fuck are you doing? That was fun. That's good old fun. The old mush at it again. Dude, I woke up to a text. My mother doesn't watch podcasts but i think she

gets sent uh things from like family members or friends going someone in your family has spoken about on this one and i woke up to my mother going hey i watched are you garbage podcasts and it was marvelous she She said wonderful things. Yeah. What did she say? Anything about me? You were probably next to her. No, she's like, it was the one where I talked about Mimi,

my godmother, and Neil on the waterbed. Oh, yeah. Because they used to pawn me off to their house to get like, it was like doing coke. I would just eat sugar, jump on beds and shit but my aunt mimi and neil had a waterbed and i walked in at like 10 in the morning and they're hungover as fuck they'd be naked in like a fucking hot tub yeah they're hungover naked and all you know her tits are flopping around a waterbed and i just want pancakes yeah i'm eight years old yeah but i never forgot that scene. I'm full of mush.

Those are my mush years. Could have did without. Staring at fucking Mimi's lips. The salad days and the mush years. Yeah. So I think that's why she watches. So hopefully she watches this one when she finds out there was a second kid. She had

twins. Huh? No. What just happened? There was a second kid. She had twins. We should start. Let's start the podcast.

You done smoking yet? What if I was dead serious? I was like, let's go. You done smoking yet? Dude, what if I was dead serious? I was like, let's go. We got to fucking start. Yeah. What would you do if I was literally out of my fucking skull like that? Continue as...

Make money? Make money regularly scheduled programming. Those last two hours were brought to you by... I said that to you. What would you do if I was just crazy? Be like, nothing would change. Man, war is nuts do you have any opinions on war for real though i like i'm gonna buy renown on this dude so ian we heard you don't like war so what's up with

palestine you ever seen palestine in the airport? You don't like airports. He doesn't talk like he's the fucking R&B DJ. What do you think about the war in Palestine? Yeah, we heard you don't like Palestine. We heard you don't like war. War is a problem for you, isn't it? I'm into it. I like war machines.

Yeah? Yeah. Whoa, what are those? Boats, planes. Yeah, tanks. Ships. I like war machines. Yeah? Yeah. Whoa, what are those? Boats, planes. Yeah, tanks, ships. Yeah, fighter jets. You've been watching? No, I haven't seen any of the conflict.

I saw like a couple videos, but it's just like I don't know what's going on. I'll never know what's going on. Have you been watching the drone footage in Ukraine and Russia? I've seen some of that. That shit's wild. What, dropping little grenades into the... It's just like you see these little things scurry around and you just see a little

bomb go... That shit is corny compared to the new war. I mean, it's also just funny to think there's like a dude in... We got an upgrade. What? We went to 4K. Oh, yeah. The new conflict is crazy.

Yeah. You start seeing tent executions. You seen any of this yet? No. Tent executions? Oh, boy. Boys. That's so insane.

Patreon's going to be lords. What the fuck are you talking about? Tent executions? Aren't you on Twitter? I try not to be. Everyone's like, everyone that gets shot is wearing those little road clip mics. Oh my God. Dude, it's crazy.

The audio's so good. There's like some fucking new comic from the stand trying to do a fucking man in the street in the war. Like, so let me ask you for real, deadass. No, these dudes are like paragliding into a music festival. Yeah. And they just massacred like 200. Oh, I saw people running from that. But they ran from it.

They jumped in the cars. There was a blockade. They shot through. Oh, I saw the car video. That is so scary. They had like two or three military guys going

come in the tent hide and then they shot the guard and then just went through the tent just duck hunt oh my god Tommy's a dog at the end of duck hunt

she's picking him up he's being happy picking him up that's fucked up no it's very bad it's fucking terrible it's very bad. It's fucking terrible. It's very bad. But I don't know what's

propaganda anymore unless I see it visually. Because they're saying they lopped off the 40 babies' heads. They're saying they're beheading babies. Yeah, it's also that's the level of conversation that's taking place on Twitter. Where it's like a bunch of people have been slaughtered,

and people are like, they didn't slaughter those babies. We cut those babies' heads off. It's like, who cares? Not who cares about cutting the babies. Isn't it bad? It's bad enough. I didn't think that was going to be your dismount. No, they're trying to defend the final word.

No, I know. They're trying to defend the murderers by being like, well, they didn't kill those people. At least they didn't cut their heads. That's a bullshit story. Yeah. Okay, well. It's pretty bad.

Yeah. Sorry, that one detail might not be accurate. Yeah. So if you want to see more war, to ian's it would just be me ranting for an hour that my friend tommy's not there and he was choosing a touchdown over a fucking touching i actually might be there chris bought tickets without me oh i did i was drunk and i just went still you pretty fucked up did i ever tell you about my first eagles game was it was at the vet and it was eagles 49ers and we were in our seats and uh some guy got injured and all these eagles fans

were like cheering and like yeah put him in a body bag yeah and i'm in like first grade and i saw that and my and my dad like took me out and was like, I don't want you hearing this stuff. Like this is crazy, you know? So then I was at a, and I just remember when the guy yelled at everybody, cheered. So I'm at a T-ball game and a kid gets hurt at first base. And I yelled, put him in a body bag.

Thinking everyone's going to be like, yeah. And I got in so much trouble. Parents were yelling at my parents, like, how can you let your kids say such a thing? I'm like, but everyone likes it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just parroting some words to get a good reaction. I had no clue what it meant.

Yeah, those are the best moments from childhood. Yeah. I just remember my father telling me to go to the bathroom and they had the troughs at the vet yeah you just piss in an empty trough next to the grown-ass man and some dude had like eye black on and i'm just like looking up to two giant dudes yeah taking my little pecker out pants down the ankles. Oh, no, dude. Wait, you had your pants around your ankles? Probably. Why wouldn't you go in a stall? Whoa.

Because it was mobbed. They only had like four stalls back then. It was all shitters. Yeah, but you're a child. The trough went the line of, it was 100 feet. Yeah, but you shouldn't be a child next to a bunch of grown men. Exactly. That's the point.

Wait, why not? If you got to piss in a public place. As a father, you shouldn't just kick them into a fucking veteran's stadium bathroom with drunk adults. You should take them into the stall. And fuck them properly. You know what I always say to my dad?

Why would you be cool with that? I can't imagine having a child going, all right, meet me here. Yeah, I'm your hot dog. You go piss. Yeah. That is nuts. I got lost so many goddamn times.

I got lost at fucking Sesame Place. It was the first time I ever got lost. Five years old. They were like, meet me here. I come out of the bathroom. They're gone. I had to go to Lost and Found, crying my eyes out. My mom showed up.

She left an old jacket at a bar. I had to go to lost and found crying my eyes out. My mom, my mom showed up. Like she, she left a jacket, an old jacket at a bar. She was like, there he is. Come on, come on. And I was traumatized for life.

So you just left me and you act like it was no big fucking deal. That's insane. I guess they were trying to kill me off. Like they did my twin, my brother's twin brother. This joke hasn't worked that's crazy yeah it is crazy maybe mom will listen to this one mom this is are you garbage well 150 wait did you walk you walked to a loss and found no i started screaming until somebody was like are you lost and i was like yeah i can't find my parents they brought me a lost and found? No, I started screaming until somebody was like, are you lost?

And I was like, yeah, I came from my parents. They brought me a lost and found. I was sitting next to like, you know, three fat lost kids. You never heard the thing where it's like, you just stay where the place where you last saw them? Are you blaming me as a five-year-old? That is my fault.

Yeah, that was like the first lesson I ever learned. No, I went to where they said I should be, Chris. So what was their excuse? Why did they forget you? They went to go see my I should be, Chris. So what was their excuse? Why did they forget you? They went to go see my other two kids, but I'll be on a slide. And they just left you alone. Yeah.

That explains a lot. Yeah. And here we are. That's why your dad fucked you. I mean, like, fucked you up. I had moments where I lost my parents at, like, the aquarium. Fucked you up. Because they were like,

take a piss and meet us at that place. And I just went, nah. Yeah. I'll stand right outside the bathroom, and then you'll come get me. Yeah. Well, you're autistic. I was normal. Well, I didn't panic.

I just went. Yeah, it's autism. You were probably happy. You're the one pissing with your pants around your ankles. That was like the number one sign of autism in kindergarten. That kid, Oliver, in my class, Oliver, I remember going to the bathroom. Oh, you called me a fucking Oliver? You're full Oliver right now.

Dude, I remember like... This kid, Todd, I can't say his name. I had asked the teacher because he was a kid who was from Germany or something. I was like, Oliver's pissing with his pants around his neck. Is that like a German thing? Or do we need to quarantine that guy? Pissing with his pants around your neck? Ass out, dude.

I actually, I swear to God, I did not. I think it's funny. I swear to God. There was a kid, and you're right. There was a kid that was special, and he would drop his fucking, his dungarees all the way to the ground. Yeah.

And piss. Just ass out. He used to come to, so, God bless this dude, he fucking rules. Still around. This dude would come to my door and ring our doorbell.

He lived down the street. His uncle lived a couple doors down, and he would ring our doorbell, and he would knock up for Buffy. Buffy was my pug doors down. And he would ring our doorbell and he would knock up for Buffy. Buffy was my pug. And he'd ring the doorbell and whoever answered, he'd go, is Buffy home? And he had this

sway. He goes, is Buffy there? And then we'd have to go. It's an Aflac duck. Is that his door? Wank, wank, wank. It's just Gilbert Gottfried in a child suit. It's Buffy there. We let him come in and just pet the dog for like every morning.

So what's wrong with that? Not that it was great, but he used to piss with his pants. Oh, yeah. That would be a power move. Did you go to like a bar Just drop Drop As an old dude

Uh huh Mush ears If the mush Dropped his dungarees Dude That's a mush move Full Burned out

You gotta do it Yeah Do it Like a modern hip club Yeah Why don't you special The third Yeah

I'm going to do it there Do it Yeah Do it I won't get on stage. I'll be too busy sulking around the bathroom. Damn, dude. You ever beat off to me?

Where's my... What? What? No. No? I've never once in my life found a friend of mine attractive. Good for you. You're all disgusting to me.

Really? Physically repulsive. Yes. That's not true. Yeah. I feel like if I was gay, I would jerk off to Tommy. But I'm not gay. No, I'm just saying.

I'm saying if I was. You're gay. Oh. No, you're gay. What's the closest to friend? What's the closest? Hold on, hold on. Chris has a question.

What's the closest to friend? Yeah, that you've jerked off to. What's the closest to friend What's the closest to friend Hold on Chris has to interrupt The perfect choreography Of gay It was perfect Run it back Chris The closest friend I've jerked off

What is your question That move's gonna be the nutcracker That's actually That's a good joke You didn't mean it He's drunk as shit. That move's going to be the nutcracker. That's actually... That's a good joke. You didn't mean it. I'm slinging. You're hammered. Touch me.

Dude, give him a pound. Just start jerking him off. What kind of touch did you want? A pound! A friendship bump! No, dude. No, he was dead serious. I thought the joke was it was purposeful.

He was dead serious. What is this? I thought you found a new way to explain gay or something. I don't know. That's like going like this to somebody and they start licking your finger. What did you want? I don't know. A high five?

You're sucking on my thumb? Anyway, go see Ian's special. I got to piss. It's on December 3rd. What's it called? Wild, Happy, and Free. That's the name of my special. Oh, that's cool.

That's you, dude. December. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. That's you, dude. That's me. That's you. December 3rd, The Cutting Room, IanFidance.com for tickets. Love you guys.

Thank you. Get some tickets.