Stuff Island - Stuff Island #12 - a thinning piece w/ Mark Normand

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

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What size TV is that? What are we talking? 70? 65? It's gotta be 70, right? That's a big fucking TV. Yeah. It's gotta be up there. Alright, now that's... Might just sit in and watch this one. Just sit in. Sit in. We just need your face.

That's it. You won't be in the shot. I'll sit on your lap. You don't say a fucking word the whole time. I'm not going to say anything. Is there a theme? No.

No. We fucking rip and roar. Oh, good. A lot of these pods have homework now. You got to come in with two stories and a pet peeve.

I mean, to be honest, we should be doing a little bit more homework on our end you know well coming up with one topic yeah we literally never even have anything like oh really yeah it's the best way to do it it's just like a green way you know what i mean yeah sometimes the topic is good it just gives you a jumping off otherwise it's kind of like yeah what's going on with you how'd you get started no we don't do that shit yeah I hate that shit

well I got a bit of a story I got a crazy you do have a fucking story you want to jump off with that one huh I mean I don't know yeah look at me talking shit

I forgot you had a you and Shane had the biggest weekends of your life and I was drinking at a bar in fucking Delco yeah like with

40 old men what were you doing at that bar huh what were you doing at that bar? Racist old men. Huh? What were you doing at that bar? I didn't have as many options as you guys, you fuck.

Yeah, but you didn't have a place to watch it just by yourself drinking? Well, I met my buddy. Oh, oh, oh. My buddy Heffer, yeah. And that's his place? Yeah, it's right around the corner from him. Oh, okay. It's called Manoa Tavern. Just a moldy, shitty bar.

My story's not going to fucking do anything for us. I don't know. Yeah, it's a real shit hole bar. You ran into some racist guy there who's saying all kinds of crazy shit yeah yeah yeah he recognized me for uh delco delco proper nice and he was like i told you that was him joey and fucking and then he's doing pictures and then he tells the story he's like yeah you want stories i know you're a writer right you're right and i was like yeah and he went in this whole thing. And I'm looking at the television, watching the game.

Like, this will calm down soon. This will calm down soon. And he was on a bender, dude. This guy was yapping. And he's like, my uncle, Uncle Moon. You probably heard of him. I didn't hear about your fucking uncle. Southwest.

And then he started dropping the hand pump. Oh, nice. And I was like, Jesus. Well, at least it got More interesting Yeah At least now it's He knows Dude Uncle Moon

Knew how to shook it up Yeah Oh my god That shit is exhausting We were in Phoenix Nice guy though What Don't get me wrong

Nice guy I know Did you go Did you go as well No I went to I went to Kansas City I went to the Chiefs-Bills game

Oh nice I sat in Travis Kelsey's box Wow And they won Yeah It was the best game Best game I've ever seen to Kansas City. I went to the Chiefs-Bills game. I sat in Travis Kelsey's box. Wow. They won. Yeah. Best game I've ever seen. Fucking insane. Rochester, they're miserable. Oh, yeah, yeah. I can imagine. Well, they literally, I mean, they should

have won that game, I guess. They did literally everything they could to win that game. But yeah, it was fucking nuts. We went to Travis Kelsey's house before the game. We took a bus over with the whole family. Do they have as much art as we do? Yeah, right.

This is a lot of art. He's got a Super Bowl trophy in there. Whoa. Yeah, it was sick. It was fucking amazing. Wait, why does he have the Super Bowl trophy? They get one week? How do they allot that?

No, I'm sure it's a replica or something. Oh. What a dumb question, huh? I don't know. I don't know either. That's why I said it. No, it's one thing. I didn't know. To me, a replica of that trophy, though, is just as good.

It's kind of a boring trophy. What? It's just, yeah, it's the Lombardos. It's gorgeous. I mean, it's... Silver pointy thing. Yeah, yeah, with a football on top. What else is boring to you?

Statue of Liberty? That's a fucking beautiful trophy. Dude, compare that trophy to the Stanley Cup. It doesn't even come close. Yeah, because you can drink at it. The NBA championship. If you funneled out the football, it would be pretty fucking cool. Yeah, you got to holler it out.

There's a little twist off. Fill it with beer. Put some whiskey in there. This is a good pod right here. You guys are killing it. Yeah, dude. We don't know where we're going, Marky. We'll get to you in a second.

Anyway. You guys keep going. This is good stuff. How are you doing? What's going on with you? Well, we're not on, right? What? Yeah, we're on.

Wait, what? Wait. Wait, I thought we were just talking. No, we are just talking. What about Shane? He's not even here yet. Oh, no. We're not going to leave that part in.

Yeah, yeah. We'll cut that out. Yeah. Or we might keep it in. That was a little too personal. We're not really on. Wait, what did you tell me? This is how we start.

You sit down. You fire off. You just walk down. Boom. That's it, baby. No, no. is how we start. You sit down. You fire off. You just walk down. Boom. That's it, baby. No, no. Like, you know. That's it.

We'll cut out. We'll cut out a lot of that. Actually, you know what? My trainer actually said this to me. He goes, maybe you guys should just introduce the guests maybe once. I had no idea. So this is Mark Norman, guys. You know him from fucking everything.

Wait, are we really on? Yes. We're really on. Oh, man. I even took my coat off Do you want to start over? Huh? You want to start over?

No it's fine but shouldn't we wait for the other guy? No he's not on it He's going to bop in here and there I'm so confused Alright alright This feels weird Shane just lives here so every once in a while he walks through Oh okay

He lingers like a fucking ghost Alright alright shit Well now the pressure's on you know the thing was normally we avoid doing the the intro and any kind of intro because we i feel like it grinds things to a halt we can't we're not good at intros we do bad intro i think we could do a good intro we just i think it's corny yeah yeah yeah i don't think we could do it but now we somehow run aground in the same way we fucked everything up yeah starting naturally i'm sorry foley and kevin do like the greatest intro to the point where it's so memorized kevin was lip-syncing foley's intro

and i was like this is crazy wow they've really boosted like they've catapulted oh yeah they're flying they're doing great. So are you. You on tour? Yeah, I'm on tour every weekend. Finally selling some tickets for the first time in my goddamn life. Selling out. Yeah, some markets. I was just in Syracuse. I got my ass kicked. But might be the worst

city in America. Syracuse sucks. Albany sucks too. Buffalo's pretty bad as well. Buffalo is utopia compared to Syracuse. I had a good time in Buffalo. I love Buffalo. Yeah, yeah, Buffalo is a good time. Good club.

I've only been there in the winter. This is a funny bone in the mall. It's two degrees. Like, the city sucks. The people are kooky. And then the club is in a mall. The whole city is in a mall because it's too cold to do anything. So you just have to live in the mall.

It sucks. I had five shows. Four were a slugfest and then the fifth one was great and then we drove home four hours and got the hell out of there. Oh, fuck. So it's just a heckler montage?

Yes. And then it's... Heckler I can deal with because at least they're interacting. They're in the room. You ever have this guy in the front row going... Yeah. And you're like, what do ever have this guy in the front row going, yeah. And you're like, what do you think this is? Like the other people are laughing and he's going to go home to his fat wife and go, I

didn't get it. I thought he sucked. That was a waste of money. I'm like, well, what about them? They're laughing. Dude, I experienced that recently in Phoenix. It was the first time in a long time I'd run into like a straight up dumb crowd. You know where it's like,

it's not like a typical bomb where you're like, they're not liking this. You can literally feel them not following like a chain of reasoning. You know what I mean? Like a, I could just tell that you can't digest what I'm saying. Right.

It's a totally different silence. Yes. Than the change the subject silence or like you're just not good at this silence. You know what I mean? It's a totally. Sometimes you're doing a set. You can see them kind of like, uh, uh, uh.

And then you ramp up and the punchline hits. This is no ramp up. They're just anything you could say. You could say anything and they wouldn't be laughing. And you're like, what do I need? Do I need sound effects? Props? Like what would do it?

But what were you hoping to see? Yes. Yeah, exactly. Oh, it's brutal. Yeah. So what happened with the cheese game? Oh, oh yeah. Exactly. Oh, it was brutal. Yeah. So what happened with the Chiefs game? Oh. Oh, yeah, sorry.

I don't know. First of all, I don't feel like I'm not a very good storyteller, but I also went. I got to meet Jason Kelsey, which was fucking awesome. You've said this guy's name 17 times. He was a big figure in Philadelphia sports. Okay, okay. He won a Super Bowl with the Eagles.

He gave this speech on my birthday. The parade was the day where they gave this speech about fucking Philly. Shoehorn that in, huh? Yeah, right. I said it to him in person. I was like, that's gay. I literally... Dude, I like...

What did he say? What did he say? I was just like, man, it's really... This is so cool. Because I was sitting next to him on the bus, and we're just chugging Bud Lights together. You guys got pretty close. Oh, it was, I mean, I had one nice interaction, maybe two. I just like, I wanted to, it was, I so didn't deserve to be in that situation.

Sure, sure. I wanted to kind of make it clear that I like, I was just kind of quiet. I was helpful. I was just thanking people the whole time. I just, I didn't. I wanted to kind of make it clear that I was just kind of quiet. I was helpful. I was just thanking people the whole time. I know what you mean. You know what I mean? You can do more of that around here. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I save it up for those occasions. But yeah, we sat with Kelsey's family for the whole thing. It was fucking crazy because the game was up and down, and then Travis Kelsey was the tight end on the Chiefs, caught the huge catch to set up the game, tying field goal, send it into overtime. Then he catches the game-winning touchdown in overtime, so the place was going just fucking madness.

Are you hugging his parents when these things are happening? No, no, no. The parents and the uncles were on one side of the room, and people were like, you just don't fuck with him. Really? He just zoned in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So were you blowing him

at this point or is that later dude I happily would have easily would have yeah he's hot he's hot

Travis is hot oh Travis is hot Travis is really hot the dad's hot what the dad hot no he's an old man

so what old man could be hot yeah my dad's got some fire to him he's not a hot old guy nah I don man could be hot. Yeah. My dad's got some fire to him. He's not a hot old guy. Nah. I don't know what to tell you. All right, that's fine.

Yeah. I'm just checking the temp. The temp of the private room. Yeah, and he came in after the game. After the game, we're all hanging out in the suite. We're drinking. First of all, fucking Jason Kelsey was like chugging contest. Everyone was challenging him to a beer chugging contest.

Oh, fun. So the whole game, he's just slamming fucking beers. Oh, that's great. He's amazing. He's like a mascot for what you would want in a player. Dude, he is. Yeah. And he is the most Philadelphia kind of guy fucking ever. And then, yeah,

after the game, well, yeah, Travis came in fucking, I got to hold the game ball. Took a picture with it. Damn. Then we got on the bus, went back to his house house this is like a make-a-wish it was crazy went back to his house partied with them patrick mahomes came over what yes patrick mahomes came over and i'd see i'd met pat in dallas oh your first name basis yeah my good friend pat i met pat before yeah i met i met him in dallas and he saw me do stand-up and loved it.

I got to chill with him for forever. I just, dude, because he stayed for the second show so it was just end the first show. So while Santino was on stage,

it was just me and my homes drinking beers in the green room. Damn, dude. Shooting the shit. Yeah, it was fucking amazing. Now was his brother there sucking your dick?

Is he, what is he, mixed? Well, I guess, yeah. He's got to be mixed. Yeah, yeah guess yeah yeah yeah yeah you gotta have a little half breed that's where he gets the talent i think yeah exactly and the hair yeah but then when he came over he was like excited to see me oh he came and he was like yo dude no yes it was insane it was insane i don't and then he told me this story about like when he threw, uh, cause I was like, dude, what is it like to throw that ball to win like an overtime game like that at home? What does it feel like when the ball is leaving your hands? Are you freaking out? He was like,

he was like, dude, you know what the coolest shit was of the game? Fucking the, the second to last play of the game, right? Travis, they call a play in the huddle. And he was like, Travis goes to me. He just goes, I'm not running that route. And Pat was like, what? And he was like, yeah, I'm just going to go right up the seam. And Pat was like, dude. Wait, is Mahomes telling you this right now? Yeah, yeah.

Dude, I am so hard. It's just him and I standing there. He's telling me the story. And he's literally going like, I'm looking at Travis like, what, dude? And then he gets to the line. This is after the game. Yeah, yeah. This is right after the game when he gets to Travis' house.

Have you not led with this the first time I saw you? Yeah, I took a Syracuse for eight minutes. I'm sorry. I feel bad. I'm fucking believing you. No, no, no. Well, dude, I was. You walked in.

You were like, what's up, man? You dropped your bag. You put your keys on the fucking hook. Well, I was partying. I was... You walked in, you were like, what's up, man? You dropped your bag, you put your keys on the fucking hook. I was partying all night, and then I got on a flight home, and then I was doing the first spot at the cellar I've ever done last night. What? My home? This is a bit...

Dude, dude. This is... I was like... Actually, it's his birthday in two weeks. I literally, on the plane ride home, I was just nervous, and just like, I can't even believe what just happened. Yeah. You know what I mean? Wow. And I can't even believe what just happened. You know what I mean?

Wow. I can't believe I'm doing this. The whole weekend has been just one crazy. Dude, SportsCenter doesn't get that post-game interview from Mahomes. That's true. I know. I think Kelsey did say those words, like I told him, or maybe it was Mahomes. I think they might have said it, yeah. One of them did say that I wasn't going to run that route.

I was going to just do my own thing. But Travis, he was like, he goes, I get to the line, I to run that route. I was going to just do my own thing. But Travis just, he was like, he goes, I get to the line. I saw the coverage and I was like, Oh shit, Travis is right.

So I just yelled over Travis, do it. And he just fucking ran up the scene. You can hear him say that. Oh really? Yeah. Dude, he was,

yeah. Really? I watched the replay. You can hear him yell over the fucking tape. Really dude? Well, at the time I hadn't seen any of this. So he's just telling me this for the first time.

I was like, oh my fucking God. I don't even know what I would do. Yeah. There's few people that, like, if I could be in that situation and be totally starstruck and be like, he's telling me what transpired in one of the greatest football games ever. It was crazy.

How the fuck am I going to comprehend this? It was absolutely crazy. Wow. And then I was playing like smack cup with Travis. Jeez. Smack cup? What's that? Flip cup?

No, it's like all these cups in the middle. And you have a ping pong ball. And you like, there's two cups going around on the outside. You hit it. If you hit it on the first try with ping pong ball, you can send it anywhere on the table. If you hit it on the first try with ping pong ball, you can send it anywhere on the table. If you hit it a second time or any time after that, you have to send it to the right. And the goal is to like leapfrog the person next to you.

Uh-huh. And then they have to drink a cup from the middle. Gotcha. And it just goes on like that. But I made a few jokes. Travis like leaned into me laughing. Oh. It was.

What did his beard smell like? I imagine it's like. He smells like a hot dude. Yeah. Yeah, it smells great. He's got glistening eyes. I'm sitting there smelling like shit. Just disgusting.

What is he, 6'2"? He's got to be bigger than that. Yeah, he's like 6'3", 6'4". Wow. He's huge. After 5'11", everyone's giant. Yeah.

Yeah, I hear you. I'm 5'10 and a half, baby. We just make the cut. Yeah. Wouldn't you kill to be 6? me an even six oh my god six two is the perfect height six four is a little it's a little gangly it's a little up there you can't sit on a plane comfortably unless you fill it out and then that's a perfect fucking size my best friend's six four really yeah and he's yeah he's chiseled like a fucking but he's right though that there's a lot of just like seats and stuff that yeah you kind of bed is a hard thing to find

yeah there's so many shitty places i've slept and sat that if i was any bigger it would have been a million times like what a car yeah dude packing into a car you know someone's in the front seat all the way back and it's's like, my knees are fine. Yeah. Yeah. Look at you. I like this. Dude, yeah.

Convince yourself being short's wonderful. No, I appreciate it all the time, because a lot of times I'll look at someone in first class and be like, I wish I was in first class. But it's like, as big as they are, I'm in first class. Yeah, good point. True. I'm already in first class. True.

Until I got to give you a boost to get the cheeses. Aside from the lady not liking short guys, it's pretty solid being short. I know. You're compact. You're kind of, you're perfectly proportional. There's no like goofiness with tall guys sometimes. Yeah, it's like when you see penguins like falling off of rocks and they just, they can survive. Yeah.

That's what it's like being a little guy. It's like falling down is not a problem. Right. Tall and skinny is very unfortunate. It's like fucking, they're built like praying mantises.

I always wonder, yeah. Like crew guys, they fucking drive me nuts. They're all long and gangly. They're not really athletic. They're just machines. What always,

what always freaks me out is the dudes that have just nothing. It literally looks like two sticks go into their hips. There's no ass. There's no even real front area. It's just, and I just wonder, I always wonder what it's like to have a body like that.

Well, dude, you got thick buns. You got cakes. I know. So every ass you see, you should see. He's a fucking suntan, dude. He's got a big ass. I've never noticed. It's weird.

I usually notice white men's ass. Yes. I look at every man's ass and every man's hairline because I want to know where we're all at here. Really? Great knowledge. My hair's starting now. You're okay. You've got seven years.

I know more about hair loss than anybody. I was under a heat lamp. We were on a deck and it was cold. Sleeping? No, in St. Louis. I was under the heat lamp and i could feel it get really hot in the places that are thin oh and that's something it's like right on my skin yeah nothing worse than a hot light too because i've seen

photos of me under hot lights and it just pierces right to the scalp and it cuts through all the bullshit you got nice lettuce i'm okay but i i I've got curly hair, which helps to fluff it. But if it's wet, I look like a sweaty rabbi. You can see all some patches. It's bad. Oh, yeah. That's what happens if my hair gets a little bit long now. It's just the seams just open up.

Yes. Short is better, ironically, with thinning hair. I know. That's why guys eventually go with just a shaved head. I know. I know you're around in the corner because I got to clean the drain in the shower. Oh, no. But that's a beauty.

You're hanging in. It ain't coming from this cat. Yeah, that is a salt and pepper. They're not gray. It's all brown. You've got a lot of hair, but I feel like you shed like a dog. No. I feel like it's just coming in.

It's like shark's teeth. That's thick. This is thick. It is thick. You could hold me over a banister. But see, you could lose a lot and not notice it. Because it was so dense. I mean, everybody loses a little bit here and there.

If I lose some in the shower, I notice. My widow's peak has peaked. Nah, you're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's peaked. It's been fading like one sixteenth of an inch every five years. And that's natural. You ever see an older man with like a full fucking hairline?

Like a Mexican guy? Yeah. Like a white guy a full fucking hairline? Like a Mexican guy? Yeah. Like a white guy with a Mexican hairline? I'm so jealous of those guys. Baffling. Baffling. It's all pudding. Like Jason Bateman.

I don't want that shit. Why not? Because it's gross. It looks fake. You want a little bit of imperfection. You want a little imperfection. Interesting. It's easier on the eyes.

It's easier to- No, I like the thick stuff. It looks like there's so many hairs. You ever seen a book- It looks like it's like hair in HD or something. It's like a pool table. It looks like there's so many hairs. You ever seen a book that's like hair in HD? It's like a pool table. It is. It is. My buddy's dad has it.

Really? It's like literally he hasn't lost a hair his whole life. What is that? I can't stop looking at it. And why can't we replicate that? Right. You know, we got dick pills now. Yeah.

Why can't we get the hair stuff going? I know. Maybe they don't want it They don't want us to have Like they don't want us to be cancer Because you gotta thin the hurt Yeah They wanna keep our morale down

Oh They wanna keep you in the gutter About your sense of But that's one of those things Because you I feel like you always hear women be like If this was a man's problem They'd have solved this already

You know There's always something That's interesting And it's like Who said this your ex Every They always say that about abortion Yeah yeah yeah yeah man got abortion you get one on atm that's like a big lady but it's like we can't fix our hair if our dick stops working the pill's fine

but they gotta you can't make our dicks bigger yeah you can't we can't make a dick bigger you can make it you're reading your diary right now. Wow. No, but isn't it ridiculous? You got a great point here. This is big. I mean, that's a big man's problem. It's like, how come we can't make dicks fucking 30 inches long and rock hard? Because you'd be killing women. Yeah, yeah.

You'd be a fucking pecker wrecker. Yeah. Right, and you get stopped at the airport, too. Slaughtering chicks. Yeah. That is kind of one of those things, though, that I don't want to change. I don't like the... Yeah, nice bird's eye.

Yeah, well, it's good enough that I feel like I'm above average. Yeah. You know? It's like having a six-pack. Right. You feel good, but you're not too hammered. Right, right. It's like, well, you know what's weird?

I don't have a huge dong at all. I'm like classic, like I'm like a stock dick. It's like I got the AM FM. I got everything you need, but there's nothing souped up or anything. It's like a stock dick. Over 80 miles an hour in shapes. Yeah, exactly. It gets the job done, but it's not impressive or anything.

But I've had girls I could tell in bed were like, eh, I wish there was more. But I've also had girls who were like, easy, easy, uh, and I'm like, well, what the fuck's going on here? Like, what do you do with a big guy? Oh, dude. Well, some girls' living rooms

are a little smaller than the others. Is that what it is? It's a shallow claim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, what I've been told is like, the girth thing is like, it's... That's everything. That's everything.

And I got none of that. I got some decent girth. Really? I'm doing everything. That's everything. And I got none of that. I got some decent girth. Really? I'm doing... Again, I'm doing fine. Look, to wrap this all back... Nobody's going to look at it and be like, whoa. 5'8 to 5'11.

That's a perfect bird size. You know what I mean? Like an average bird. Right. It's like the average height. Everybody's fine. Everybody's having a good time. Yeah.

Okay. That helps. Yeah. Because I'm 5'10". Mark, look at me. You're doing great. All right. All right.'s having a good time. Yeah. Okay. That helps. Yeah. Cause I'm, I'm five, 10. Look at me. You're doing great.

All right. All right. But you still, you still on it. Yeah. You know, as you do. Yeah.

Cause you, sorry. The supermodel looks in the mirror and she's like, ah, these love handles. Ah, you know, and you're like,

shut up. And we should, I should do that to myself every now and then. I know. Yeah, of course. But it's mostly when you're fucking and you can see the dick, not really doing it. That when you're like, that's when you're fucking and you can see the dick not really doing it.

Ah! That's when you're like, you start getting in your head and you're like, what the? Yeah. You don't want to be a giant. You don't want to be a midget.

You don't want to have a giant penis. No. You don't want to have a micro penis. Yes. That's it. Anything in the middle is fine.

It's true. Make it work. I hope you're right. Make it work. That's a great outlook on life. Five to eight. Yeah, it's like a skeleton key. It works.

Yeah. No matter what. Yeah, mine's the same width like a skeleton key. It works. Yeah, no matter what. Yeah, mine's the same width as a skeleton key. But yeah, I hear you. That's my dick's nickname. Last thing I'll say about hair loss, Steve Martin wears a piece. This is why Steve Martin's brilliant.

His piece is thinning. Really? Genius. Because you'll never question a piece that's thinning because it's thinning. True. So he puts it on in different stages? He has different stages? No, no, no. It's just a hair, what do you call it, toupee, but it goes back a little.

Yeah, yeah. So you're like, oh, he's losing his hair, but he has hair. He's, what, 73 years old or whatever the fuck he is? So you'll never question it and go is that a piece because it's thinning right so why would you question it because it it's too realistic yeah who on earth would get a thinning hair piece that'd be crazy that's the genius it is you're hiding hiding in plain sight that's how you learn how to play the ukulele what's he play he plays a banjo banjo get out of here and out of here with the banjo he does rip

he does very talented I saw him live one time really yeah he was at like a folk festival that I went to

did you play a shove cup or whatever with him you see how detailed he got with that fucking game well you asked me about the details

so there's four cups and they go who gives a shit well it's hard to explain it's one of those things it's just like Jesus Christ dude if you hear a hard banjo regardless of the talent and you're not thinking Well, it's hard to explain. It's one of those things that's just like, Jesus Christ.

Dude, if you hear a hard banjo, regardless of the talent, and you're not thinking of extreme racism, you're way off base. Interesting. It's a terrible instrument. It's a dog shit tune. No. I don't know, man. It's pretty great. It replicates a time in our life, our humanity,

where we weren't treating others correctly in my head that's one it's like going to south carolina and seeing these trees and the fucking and the spikes on top of the fences they're like well this is a you know this is a uh what do you call it a relic of the past yes well yeah take those fucking down not that you want to be if you want to be you know jesus christ that's very there's good stuff in there too The banjos also Those are poor people struggling True Coming up with some music Trying to find some happiness

In a miserable Yeah Wasteland Yeah they're miners and shit Yeah yeah Isn't that where your head goes though? Doesn't it take you down there? I

Dude I'd die for the people Civil war soldier all of a sudden I'd die I'd get high off the people Yeah no I like the workers man Well that's the thing about the banjo Civil War soldier all of a sudden I die I get high off the people yeah no I like the workers well that's the thing about the banjo

if you're a poor redneck on a porch you're like look at this fucking piece of shit yeah it's like deliverance but if Steve Martin's playing it

you're like it makes it cooler that it's a redneck thing it's kind of like Woody Allen plays the clarinet everybody goes to see him live or they used to

another dork got jammed into a locker yeah what? I like Woody but you see Another dork got jammed into a locker. Yeah. What? I like Woody. But you see a dork playing it. I love Woody. I do too.

But you've seen Woody play it and you're like, it's cool now. You took a shitty kind of no one likes this instrument thing and now that you're playing it, now it's interesting. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. It's like McCusker with the Indian flute. Where the fuck is the wood? McCusker's playing the wood flute. McCusker's got... Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like McCusker with the Indian flute. Where the fuck are you? McCusker's playing the wood flute. McCusker's got... Oh, wow. That's fucking...

Damn. That's fun. What's it called? I have no idea. I would call it a didgeridoo, but... Something... It's like a number or... Who cares?

There's also the Jew harp. Bing, bing, bing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a fun one. That... Now that will send me. You get Clooney on that though. Now it's interesting. If you see some fucking

hillbilly doing it. That motherfucker made tequila interesting, dude. Yeah, gave each friend a million. How about that? It's crazy. It's an embarrassment of riches. It is gross. Yeah. I wish I... I guess if you get a billion, you give ten friends a million, that's nothing. Not a drop in the tequila bucket. Yeah I wish I Yeah I guess if you get a billion For he got a billion for it

You give Ten friends a million That's nothing Not a drop in the tequila bucket It's just crazy To have that big of a career Already Yes

I mean it's insane I mean it's Like it's almost rude To then make another billion In an industry That you probably know nothing about Right You know

Yeah They just took their money and they apparently, he just was like, I'm going to get my liquor guy to find the greatest agave spend. There's no, there's no monetary limits here. Yeah. Just go find the best agave,

find the best distillation process. And we're going to make the highest quality tequila we can, because there's an, and you know, an endless source of income. I know, but it also can't be that easy can it no it took years for them to to find it really to to get to where they want it listen to me okay yeah yeah you don't know anything about this you have no idea i said

this the other day if i get one fact in me i'm gonna fucking trudge along and i'm gonna build a lie and bring you on with me yeah but yeah i think it did take years yeah i mean well to build up enough value to then sell it for fucking well the value in the name yeah yeah two yeah two hot boys you know just sipping a fucking liquor like i want that i think i want that liquor yeah it's like uh aviation gin it's ryan reynolds you're already you're halfway home with Reynolds. Yes, dude. True. Take my pants off and get me fucking drunk.

Although I don't think is aviation doing that well? I haven't seen it. I think it's doing all right for gin. I don't know. Does anyone like gin? I do like gin. Really? I've come around on gin.

Gin and tonic? What are we talking about? No, no, no. I've had this conversation. What? No, I just hate gin because I drank it. It was like the first time I got completely blacked out was on gin. The first time I drank with Brett Favre.

No, no, no, no. Who, Brett? This was just my friends in high school. And we went to go smash mailboxes. Yep. And I had a metal baseball bat. And I hit this first mailbox, and it must have been made out of fucking iron. Because it didn't go

anywhere not only did it not go anywhere but it was ringing throughout the neighborhood that was so hammered and and my ego was hurting so i kept hitting it wait you're out of the car this isn't like a drive-by no no no we were just walking that's hilarious yeah we're were all walking with Louisville? Yeah, yeah. No, we had fucking the titanium bat. We had like aluminum bats.

Yeah. Louisville. They make aluminum? I thought that was just the wood ones. But anyway. They've been branching out. So after I'm,

like after I hit this three or four times, my friends have ditched. They're like gone. Did it hurt that? Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. god it's devastating so then eventually i like i'm like i gotta scram i run we all like i run back to what i think is his house and they said they just saw me like they saw me in the house over just banging on their back door yeah

across the street yeah yeah no this was like out their back window. They saw me at another house banging on the door. With a bat? And then they had to like open the door and shout to me like, are you holding a bat while you're banging on it? No, I threw the bat. Like Ivy or something. Damn. That was good.

Vandalizing was fun. Yeah. It's part of growing up. Running from cops. Yeah. Yeah, dude. In the suburbs is fun. Nothing like it. It's part of growing up. Running from cops. Yeah. Yeah, dude. A lot of that. In the suburbs is fun.

Nothing like it. There's nothing like beating a cop. I know. I told this story before. I don't know if I told it on this pod, but I beat a cop in my car when I first started comedy. You ran him. Yeah.

Okay. You say beat a cop. No, no, no. In a car. Oh, what? When I first started comedy, was It was like 2009 or something 2010 Yeah

And I'm I still have a job I still had a car I still had a career This is Christmas I still was happy This is Christmas 2009 too

Yeah this is my My home story by the way Everything was figured The fuck out Yeah So I'm driving Just hammered And I

I pass this exit I come on the The overpass And you see the car lights go on. Oh. And my exit, luckily, had like a bend to it, and I had an Infiniti. Brand new car. G35 actually was a fucking burner, dude. This pig had wheels. Oh, yeah.

The white trash Porsche. Yeah. And when you get off this exit, it splits both ways. You can go up this one pike or that pike after going through the easy pass. So I fucking burn it. I see him coming this way as I split, but he can't. It's a blind split. He doesn't know which way I went.

Oh, my God. So I go right towards the apartment I had in Horsham, and I jumped the median. Whoa. Went behind a 7-Eleven, ditched my car next to a dumpster by an apartment complex. It was like 3 a.m. You're Batman. I called my ex-girlfriend.

She has a full-time job. Yeah. And she's like, where are you? I was like, can you come get me at the 7-Eleven? And you just saw the cop perusing all the fucking streets. Oh, and you're on foot. He doesn't know it's you. No, I can't.

You can't lock me in now. I'm out. Really? I'm out of the car, baby. Wow. I mean, that adrenaline. Popping over that median and everything. You got to make that decision.

You got to do it, yeah. Because I could just say, I was speeding. I'm going to get a DUI. Yeah. Go to jail. Yeah, go to jail. And I just think I didn't see it. Yeah. Because I could just say, I was speeding. I'm going to get a DUI. Yeah. And. Go to jail. There's no one else. Yeah.

Go to jail. And I just be like, I didn't see it. Yes. Wow. Or get the fuck out and escape. Yeah. I mean, that is the move. That is the move.

Yeah. One time my brother. When in doubt, be like, oh, I didn't even. What? Yeah. Yeah. Just. Yeah. Even if he spotted your car and saw you shopping at 7-eleven he walked

in there and was like i got you you'd be like god who i don't i wasn't even there right well that's what happened my middle brother stole my my brother's jeep and went on a police chase yeah he went up to this parking garage where him and my other brother lived at the same time parks his car the cop knows what the car looks like so he's going around looking for the car feels the hood it's hot right to know man saying what i knew i know this is you call the station we'll we'll get it all situated also he borrowed my brother's car so my oldest brother brother was like, what is this? Yeah. I woke up to a note going, we know it was you that outran us last night,

essentially. Call the station and we'll lessen the charges. That's how he started his day, like a union job. He didn't call though. No. All right. No, fuck it.

He didn't prove anything. I touched the hood and it was hot. It was warm. Good point. That's what he was trying to say. He was trying to fucking break. Well, there's a lot of dumb people out there that are going to fall for that shit. Yeah.

The little things always get you. I got really drunk in a high school party. My parents were out of town. I took their shitbox Lexus to this party. Got drunk, blacked out, said I'll drive home. I don't remember any of this. Whatever. I wake up in the car.

7 a.m. Sun is on me. I'm covered in the car, 7 a.m., sun is on me, I'm covered in piss. The keys are on the seat next to the shotgun. Good thing you're short. Yeah, yeah. I'm in a leather seat with piss pooled, you know, because it's leather, so it didn't sink in. No absorption.

So now I'm like, and I'm on Martin Luther King Boulevard, by the way. I'm in a horrible neighborhood, and I hear, knock, knock, knock. I look to my left. There's two cops right there, and I'm like, hey, you know, trying to get out of it, play it off, and they're like, get out of the car, get out of the car. I get out of the car. I fall down.

I'm soaking wet. They're like, give me your license. I give them my license. It's dripping because I've just been sitting pooled in urine and they're like oh geez all right you obviously been drinking come back here they're like patting me down and shit i'm wet i'm wet and they're like uh okay well i'm like i'm going to jail i'm going to jail but the keys weren't in the ignition so i didn't get in trouble and they go we'll call somebody to pick you up and i was like all right so i had to call my neighbor to pick me up. It was super embarrassing but if I had those keys

in the ignition, I would have gone to jail. Fuck, dude. Yeah. That's it. I just, first of all, it's so funny.

This happened to me before and I can't identify exactly when but I've woken up and having completely pissed myself and also been like, that's the least of my problems. Yes, yes. I didn't care at all.

You're like, I gotta solve that later. Yeah. The rest of this environment is a nightmare. It was slightly embarrassing, but that was it. Sorry. Like walking home from the beach, you're like, there's plenty more to do here. Yeah, exactly.

I've got to dry off later. But they got a call. They said a white kid is dead in a Lexus. You should come. That's why I got the cops in there. Really? Oh, that's, what a perfect call. I know. Because then they show up and dead in a Lexus. You should come. That's why I got the cops in there. Really? Yeah. What a perfect call.

I know. Because then they show up and they're relieved. Right. Well, you hope. I think they hate it. But yeah. So somebody saw you in the car and then called? Oh, he's dead.

It was like in a project. I think he's bleeding out. His pants are sealed. Bleeding out his back. Right. No, but that key thing, I had a buddy in college that used to be like,

he used to actually do this. I don't know if he ever used it, but he was like, he was like, always keep a unopened bottle of vodka in your car. Oh, interesting. I thought you were going

to say something else. He was like, so that way, if you're drinking and driving and someone pulls you over, what you do is you roll down the window, you throw the keys out the window,

roll the window up, lock the doors. When the cop gets to the window, you open the bottle, you see him take the wrapper off and you chug it. And that way it's like, you're not drinking and driving, but you will fail a breathalyzer.

The keys aren't in the car. This is retarded. Wait a minute. Yeah, this is too much what that was his plan this is horrible you don't think it would work this you think this is well poke holes in it well okay here's a hole don't drink in front of the fucking cop and try and talk your way out of you're still open containered yeah but the car's not moving and

the keys are outside but you're not allowed to drink outdoors drink in the car well. Well, you can drink in a car that's parked, can't you? I don't think so. I don't think so either, but I don't know. I mean, I have. Why? That's my private space. That's my property. I'm basically, I'm in a mobile home.

If you're in your driveway, I guess you could fuck off and drink. Do whatever you want in your car. Yeah. If you're on public property, a road, like on the side of 95, you're just crushing, listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd,

crushing a six pack. I think that's legal. Cops make me nervous. I got to do something to take the edge off. You're crazy enough that I believe this. And then you're relying on them seeing you crack the seal.

Well, you got to wait for them to... That's insane. Of course it is. Of course it is. To look at a cop, open a bottle. He was going to be like, he'll call for backup immediately. Yeah. This guy's going to kill me. Right.

He threw keys at me, too. Here, you take it. I'm finishing this bottle. I thought you were going to say keep a bottle or a jar of peanut butter in the glove box, which is helpful because peanut butter is the only thing that truly masks the smell of booze on your breath. Really? You can do a mint, all that, mouthwash, nothing works. But peanut butter will soak it all up.

What about a Reese's peanut butter cup? You used to bury cocaine in... It's not as thick and hearty. You need the thick paste. He used to bury cocaine in ecstasy in a jiffy. Oh, really? On flights. Oh, wow. Just cap it right in the middle the dog can't smell it and this is also like i don't know early 90s right mid 90s so it's like dude i don't know one or

two pills you think a dog's gonna smell like this is his fucking mentality you can't just go to arizona and hang out right you gotta risk your whole future. Yeah, they have it there. Exactly. It's the bartender. It's hard to find. I've been flying with mushrooms for like months now and I didn't realize it. Same, same.

Really? Yeah, yeah. It was in my backpack. I saw them in my backpack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had mushrooms in my bag for at least Also,

12 or 13 flights. Yeah, same. I had no idea. And then it makes you wonder if I had known would I have been nervous and sweating but it's better than I didn't know. I had no idea. And then it makes you wonder, if I had known, would I have been nervous and sweating? But it's better that I didn't know? Is that how I got away with it?

You start doing all that shit. Yeah, yeah. You know what? Honestly, I don't think they, they have no idea what they're doing. Scanning shit. McCusker gave me a really good move. There's something called lion's mane,

which is a natural mushroom pill that you take. So he'll take his psychedelic mushrooms, grind them up, cap them themselves, put it in the natural for travel. Well played. So it's just like, this is what I use for my hair. Right, right.

So it gives me my hair. How does he know when he opens it later? Which one is which? Oh, no, no. He dumps all the fucking dog shit out. Yeah, it's all just mushrooms. Oh, I see, I see. But it's in pill form. Got its all the fucking dog shit out. Yeah, it's all just mushrooms. Oh, I see. It's in pill form.

Got it. In a lion's mane thing. Very smart. Yeah, he gave me $100 in Florida doing that. And I took him home. No problem. God. But now it's so reduced, I don't think they care.

I know. Yeah. Also, are you a weed guy? You smoke weed? Nah. Yeah, me neither. I think a little bit of mushrooms now is way better than weed. Oh, getting caught with it?

No, I mean just taking it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm with you. So locked in and getting caught. Yeah. You take like half a gram or a gram of mushrooms, the high is way better and more chill than smoking weed. Smoking weed is a...

I haven't had one that wasn't a panic attack. Same. In fucking 15 years. I accidentally took 50 fucking milligrams last weekend. What? Oh, my God. Edible or... Edible.

Oh. What? Here's what happened. Nightmare. I took... It's 50 square. I'm used to like 10. Here and there.

I dabble like once every couple months. Yeah, 10's pushing it. I need to get good at it. 10 is pushing it. 5 to 10. I'm used to like 10. Here and there. I dabble like once every couple months. 10's pushing it. I need to get good at it. 10 is pushing it. Five to 10, I'm good. That'll still send you. I take a nibble, nothing. Hour and a half, two hours.

It's the same hack story going, it fucking walloped me, but I was like, I just got confident because all the mushroom intake I had. Yeah. I was like, I'm just going to. And then I was up for two to five. Oh my God. Just staring at the walls, dancing. Not dancing like in a mushroom way.

Like, I was just spinning. Spinning, yeah, dude. Just a brutal fucking high. It never ends. You're like, I'll be like this for the rest of my life. You just accept it. Oh, dude. Yeah, I took an edible on a flight back from Denver once.

Because I was like, oh, I'll take an edible and I'll relax. And the flight wound up getting delayed. And then we were leaving at like 1 a.m. And I finally sit down and I sit in the kid. There's a kid next to me, some fucking college asshole who like wants to be the, like the class clown of the plane.

Oh no. You know? So he's like making comments out loud and like trying to like, like elbow me and be like, he's like shitting on the like the stewardesses. Yeah. And I'm just like, dude, I don't want anything to fucking do with you, but I'm so high. I don't have I don't know how to navigate.

Yes. Like, I just hate you. And I can't. There's no way I can round the edges off it right now. Right, man. Like, I fucking hate you. Chris, if I didn't know you, you'd be the last dude I'd nudge. But you seem nice and easygoing.

No, he is. But he's also, when he's not smiling, he has this fucking... Oh, that's true. He's got this, like, angry carpenter look. Yeah. Who's this guy think he is? A friend of Patrick Mahome? Yeah.

Like, his backhoe just broke down. He doesn't know what the fuck to do. He's got to call his wife. He's all perplexed. Like, well, she's going to start some shit, too. my home yeah like his backhoe just broke down he doesn't know what the fuck to do he's gotta call his wife he's all right perplexed like oh she's gonna start some shit too that is that's what's going on in my mind the whole time but that's the weird thing about drugs is like you never see that guy on a flight when you're sober boom give me a psychedelic or an edible and uh now i'm next to fucking uh rickles over here yeah i took Rogan, before the world ended with COVID, Rogan used to have these shows at the Comedy Store,

Sam Tripoli shows, and it was like Diaz and Rogan and all these psychos. Burt was on it, Theo, and they would give you all this free weed. Yeah, I was there for one of those. Yeah, in the back green room. A bowl full of it.

There's a guy rolling shit. There's a lady, like a hot lady, doing joints joints and everything the whole thing was insane so they go here you go and i go look i'm a lightweight i can't do weed just keep it and they go well there's a lot of cbd in there i go all right all right i'll do some cbd and they go yeah just make sure you read it i was like yeah sure the whole reason i'm in la i'm pitching a show. And I've never, I've pitched 8 million shows, they never go anywhere. This one got bought by a production company, Lionsgate. They flew

me out first class, they put me in a hotel. This is the furthest I've ever gone in any pitch scenario. So this is a big deal, and I'm like, I might actually sell this show, I might be a millionaire, whatever, you know. I'm freaking out, but I'm like, yeah, I'll do a set. Can I get a set, you know, the night before before and then the next day i'm pitching to like five networks it's all mapped out we got a black town car me and my manager we're gonna go to netflix then hulu

it was all mapped out so i'm like i better get a good night's sleep you know big day tomorrow so i open them up and i'm like all right this is cbd this is th up, and I'm like, all right, this is CBD, this is THC, whatever. And I was like, let me take a bunch so I get some good sleep. But CBD, my anxiety's going. And of course, I took the wrong one, and I took a ton. It must have been like 50, 60, who knows what. But either way, I'm laying there, and I did fall asleep. But then I woke up, and the bed was sideways. Like the bed was on the wall and i was like

i was like ah what have i done and i called my my girl and she's like what is wrong with you you're freaking out and i remember looking in the mirror and your face is wiggling and the night just flew by and i was i remember i was hugging because the floor kept slanting it felt like so i was hugging the leg of a couch in the hotel room, hugging it so long that the sun came up, never slept. My manager is banging on the hotel door like, what are you doing? We got to go. We got to go to Netflix.

And I'm like, I can't go. He comes in. He's like, we got to go. I'm like, I can't go anywhere. He's like, suck it up. Be a man. He's putting water on me. And I just turned it all down.

What? I missed it. Yeah. No. I was that fucked up. I couldn't think. Oh, my god. I was on another planet. If I had gone in that Netflix board

room, they would have called the crazy police. I was a psycho. I was gone. If you told this story as to why you missed that meeting the next day, I think you would have sold this on the spot. Maybe.

This is what we're looking for in terms of content a fucking maniac that's gonna sleep on a wall yeah he uh quit the business not long after that oh my god he was like this is our shot we have we're doing that they flew you out here you're up in this nice hotel i just couldn't do it i was that fucked up yeah dude every time he gets high he probably curses you out yeah yeah i'll rally if i'm super hungover i'm drunk i'll go anywhere i'll do anything but i was just too high to do i couldn't i couldn't leave the hotel room it was too much rallying hungover is almost better i feel like it's i'd rather be low and have to get up than be too up and have to get down. Well said. That was like a rap lyric.

Because to stay down, like to keep the energy down is impossible to contain. And it's a high octane moment. It's like Netflix, boardroom. We had a PowerPoint. We had like visual aids and all this shit. And I was like, I can't do it. No, I get it. I get it. I totally agree. The moment you like visual aids and all this shit and i was like i can't do it no i get it i

get it yeah yeah the moment you said visual aids i thought you were gonna say that you didn't have a good sleep and you know it just went so long that you canceled no you were still ripped off my ass i was on another planet did you have uh agent or manager at that point i imagine yeah yeah the manager was like shaking me like we need to do this like because i you look normal you're just like sitting there you know but you don't know what's going on in here and i just couldn't do it and we scheduled again for like a month later and then it just fizzled out never happened was this when you were innovative no i was after that i was with the wme and they that my lady got fired eventually it's a it's a whole thing yeah yeah that's fucking rules i feel like the only accidental dosing story I have is

I was in Vermont doing a show, or Maine. I was doing a show, and I was just sitting around a table with comics waiting to go on, and someone was like, I got some extra candy. Do you guys want candy? Oh, candy.

And I was like, yeah, I'll take a piece, and I ate it. He took candy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you eat? I thought it was like yeah i'll take a piece and i ate it it's a candy yeah yeah what do you eat i thought it was like i mean i'm the candy i don't know it's like it's portland maine these people are fucking weird maybe they go to a candy store and get candy and then bring it places so dude you go to portland you gotta ask if there's weed in the bird that's your fucking fault they're weeding these towels you know it's everywhere if i dry my head am i gonna get high for a half hour so i i take this thing you know 30 or 40 minutes later i get on stage and uh while i'm on stage

it starts hitting me but i don't think that it's weed. I haven't connected it at all. I started being like, wow, man, I'm doing really well. And I'm feeling so good and I'm really transcending something. Yes. And this was a couple years ago. I was like, I feel like I'm really kind of getting into a new place. This is going so well.

And I got off stage and I felt so good. And then I was watching the dude after me and I was laughing so fucking hard. And that's what tipped me off. Cause I was like, I don't laugh. Yeah. Like this.

Really? At people like this. Trans Asian. Yeah. No, no. It's just like, it's like this kind of comic.

It's like, these jokes aren't that good. And they're detonating in me like in a way that's, and I was like, what the fuck? This is crazy. And then I put it together.

I was like, oh shit. I took an edible. That doesn't sound so bad. I mean, you did your set, it went okay. You enjoyed the second guy.

No, it wasn't bad at all. There's just something that I feel sad. There's something that feels sad about the fact that I was enjoying myself. I was enjoying a dude's comedy so much that I was like, something's wrong.

That's a good point. That's a good point. If you're a working comic and you enjoy any comedian's set, something's off. Our goal here is to be miserable, gentlemen. Now, did you actually do well or you just think you did well? I don't know. I think I did actually do pretty good. Like that'd be fun if you listened to it later.

It was an easy room. And you just did a full Michael Richards up there. You're like, man, I'm killing it. Portland! Portland! Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think it did go all right. If I listened back to it now, I would still hate it because it was material.

Sure, sure. So I don't know if I could get a clean read on it, but I would still hate it because it's material that... Sure, sure. So I don't know if I could get a clean read on it, but I'm pretty sure I did all right. Makes you wonder how many people in our crowds are high. It's got to be a good amount.

I mean, weed is so popular now and it's so normalized. I feel like we've got a lot of high people out there. Tons. It's kind of crazy

how much it's... It is crazy to think how much it's changed. Oh, yeah. Like, in high school. Dude, to dip into every drug. The amount of conflict it caused in my family.

Really? Yeah. What, weed? Yeah, because I didn't even smoke, like, that much. But any time I got caught with it, it was like, what are you doing? Oh, it's a narcotic. It's going to be laced with something dangerous. It's going to be a fucking dick at a rest stop.

Yeah, gateway drug. It's weed and cigarettes kind of traded places. Like, weed was just like, you're going to be a fucking dick at a rest stop. Yeah, gateway drug. Weed and cigarettes kind of traded places. Like, weed was just like, you're going to jail, man. This is illegal. What do you know, a dealer? And cigarettes were like, my grandma smoked. And now I feel like your grandma gets high to fuck with her arthritis. Yeah, for glaucoma.

And cigarettes are like, dude, what are you, like an ex-con? You get your act together. Yeah. It's flipped. Dude, my pop star. And even, yeah, the people are like, I think your lungs do, like an ex-con? You get your act together. It's flipped. Dude, my pop started. And even, yeah, the people are like, I think your lungs do get fucked by smoking weed, right? I don't know.

People say they don't. I think they do, yeah. But they got these vapes now. They got edibles. They got gummies. There's so many alternatives. My dad started growing his own weed like 10 years ago. There you go.

What? Yeah. So. What? Yeah. What? Yeah. The first time I caught him, I was in like seventh or eighth grade. Me and my best friend, Kooch, used to take a scooter, a General. It was bright green. Never forget it.

Great scooter. Yeah. And we would both hop on at the same time and ride to this golf course where we would drink with the high school kids. And you would just take a cup and take like the bottoms of like can i have a little bit can i have a little bit yeah fill up your cup get all up drive home i forgot my keys or something came back within 10 minutes my pops smoking a joint in the back deck and i was like like smelling it like that's a very unique scent so that's when i knew he's been smoking weed his whole fucking life. Right. I go to college.

They move to Westchester from Delaware County. And they have an acre. And my mom can't get around anymore. She's like hobbling like a little garden gnome. So she doesn't venture out to the grass. So my dad's a... Is it a one-leg thing or is it just... No, no.

She's active. She walks around Longwood Gardens. Oh is it just no no she's active she walks around longwood gardens uh yeah she's she's active but she won't it's the the undulation of the grass is a little too much also there's no reason for her to go out there yeah my dad goes out there for the garden yeah so he puts it fucking he puts a uh a plant underneath the tree line because this is kennett square which is the mushroom capital of the world. Oh, really? So it's all farms to farm mushrooms. But they also have a lot of marijuana plants.

So they have helicopters that check all this shit. Really? Yeah. Jesus. So I went up to help my dad one time. I didn't see the plant yet. How did they? Yeah.

I didn't see the plant yet. They got a spot of weed plant from a helicopter? It's also just like, you're wasting budget. Yeah, exactly. Well, this is also like... This is like 15 years ago. That's what killed Kobe.

Yeah. The pilot was just looking for weed? Yeah. These damn dirty kids. The cabin was so full of smoke. Yeah. Couldn't see. So I go to my...

I was in college. I go to help my dad cut the lawn. And I was like, where's the weed whacker? I call him at work. And I was like, I can't find the cord for the weed whacker. And he's like, what are you bothering me with this shit? Look in the garage. It's in the garage.

I call him a second time. He's like, Jesus Christ. All right. Do you want me to walk you through this? You fucking idiot. So then he walked me to the back of the garage. Dude,

also the most terrifying thing is when dad says that. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Which is like, Forget about it. Because it's like, if we go in there,

and it's exactly where I said it was, you are fucked no more pop tarts for life so I go in the back it's behind this I find the wire and I find this big like acme bag

I look in the bag there is a fucking I don't even know what the weightage would be I don't even know I don't know that's how much I don't even know what the weightage would be. I don't even know. It's, it's, I don't know. That's how much I don't know. I made up a fucking word.

It was probably, what do you call it? Brick. It's a brick. Oh, it's a brick. But it wasn't, but it was loose. It was a giant fucking bag of pillowcase.

Of butts. Yeah. Wow. And I called him back and he goes, what? And I was like, dad,

I found the extension cord. And he's like, yeah, yeah, so fucking cut the line. What do you want from me? I gotta go. And I was like, no, no, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad. I found the extension cord. And he goes, well, listen, listen, listen, listen. Don't tell your mother.

And I was like, are you fucking selling? This is an enormous amount of weed. Yeah. He goes, no, no. You sell an extension cord? He still doesn't get it. So he's like, no, I had a plant. It got out of control.

And it just happened. It's funny. Now you're the dad. You've become the father. He's like, no a plant. It got out of control. And it just happened. It's funny. Now you're the dad. You've become the father. He's like, no, no, I got out of control. What are you talking about? Don't tell mom. You have a lie that makes no sense.

It got out of control. Right, right. When you fed it and gardened it. Yeah, exactly. Two years later, he took the plant that was under the tree line, and he grew one directly in the center of the tomato plants, which had like a little, you know, that like little wiring and fence. Yeah. Keep out deer and rabbits and all that.

It also grows up the doesn't it? This thing was directly in center. It had a what do you call the stabilizer giant pole. This fucking thing was like two feet above everything else. Just cascading. Yeah. It is a beautiful plant. It is nice.

Yeah. I like looking at weed photos even though I don't smoke weed. Sure. What? I'm with you. Yeah, no. You see a weed plant, like a big one, you go, wow. What do you mean you like looking at weed photos?

Yeah, like looking at- Like you'll peruse the marijuana leaf. Well, I like foliage in general, but I think that's got a nice leaf. Yeah. Like a peroni is a nice flower. I don't know what a peroni is. Well, look it up, pal. Isn't that a...

When your dick bends? No. Yeah, it's Peroni's disease, I think. Oh, wow. Perioni's. Yeah. Peroni? Perioni.

Peroni's? I'll look it up. Yeah. I'll look it up. It's a nice flower. It's got to be some guy named Peroni or whatever, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's unfortunate'll look it up. Yeah. I'll look it up. It's a nice flower. It's got to be some guy named Pyroni or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's unfortunate.

Bendic Hero. Yeah. Right. The Lou Gehrig disease of Bendic. But this one, you come out on top. So what, did he harvest it? Did he? Yeah.

Well, now he's just got ballsy because my mother just stopped even looking out the backyard. He's the only guy who got excited when the doctor's like, yeah, your wife's gonna be a little hobbled up. He's like, yes. Yeah. I can grow. She gets around,

but it's like, you know, she puts like three to five miles walking around the gardens. Yeah, you build a little creek and have a couple stones you gotta hop across. Yeah. Yeah.

She can't get there. She can't get there. Perfect. You gotta build a moot. You gotta build a moot. A moat? A moat. Moat? Moat. A moot You gotta build a moot A moat Moat The point's moot

I don't know guys What are we doing Well you gotta build a moot around your weightage I wish I just wish I liked weed Everybody smokes weed my friends wake up they smoke

they take eight edibles they look like they're having a blast and every time I hit a joint I go that was a mistake yeah same I also just can't imagine smoking every day

it's like it's hard enough to hold on to your identity as it is right right losing my mind every day yeah then you can pick up

a new identity though no no no cause it's yeah how do you even know who you really are if you're smoking weed every day they argue that when they're high that's the real them that like they say it's like it strips all the anxiety away where for me it just adds anxiety yeah i don't know my whole existence is a falsehood it has to be because you're you're a member of society yeah you can't just go outside naked and go blow me shut up i'm hungry food food you have to be

decent and yeah yeah considerate if i were to talk to a doctor and i'd be like look i'm i'm having trouble sleeping and they were like all right well what's your day consist of i'm like well unrelenting fucking anxiety to start the day well why do you say it like that i don't know through your eyebrows i speak with my fucking eyebrows chris should try and grow some first they're under the ridge yeah yeah they're there i're there. I know they're there. You got to do that a lot. Now I see them. All right. There they are.

If you were to ask why, I told the doctor. He's like, all right, so you're drinking. You're over-consuming alcohol at night. Yeah. Just fuck your sleep up. So you don't get a good rest. You're already, it's a bad start. Yeah. And then you put, what, four cups of coffee in your system?

Yeah. Guilty. Yeah. Caffeine. Yeah. is bad stuff yeah and then you put what four cups of coffee in your system yeah guilty yeah caffeine yeah and the stress of just trying to get shit done and make it yeah yeah pay the bills live in new york cycle continues so this is why weed and mushrooms are my that's my goal oh you you do this yeah oh i want to be better at weed i say this all the time mark so exactly how you feel i want to be better at weed and i think edibles for me is the way to go i just have to trust i also eat like a pound of gummy bears at night so when i pop a little bit of edible i get excited candy dude yeah that's a lot of candy man he's got a huge candy problem really i guess of all the vices it it's not heroin, but it's still. I was just going to say.

Yeah, of all the drugs and booze, this guy's got a candy problem. No, but he brings home futuristic candy. Futuristic? Yeah, it's weird candy you didn't even know existed. What are you sitting on, lemon heads? No, dude. What? Yeah.

I got modern candy, and I'm trying to share it with the family. I'd like to see some of this. Is it Chinese shit? Is that what you're talking about? No, no, I don't fuck with Asians. I don modern candy, and I'm trying to share it with the family. I'd like to see some of this. Is it Chinese shit? No, no, I don't fuck with Asians. I don't fuck with that shit. Asian candy is too crazy. It's crazy. It looks great.

The packaging is gorgeous. Yes. That's how they get you. Exactly. When you put it in your mouth, it's dog shit. Yeah. Candy's gone through the same type of evolution that weed has. Dude, it's crazy.

Yeah, candy's skyrocketed. They're combining candies he brought home gusher nerds whoa gusher with nerds why are you saying it in that tone because it's outside of saying it's thank you so much for if you brought me a gusher nerd i'd like chris you tried to get me to eat one and i tried to i'd like this i did have one you need to get your shit fucking amazing but it's like i don't want another one, dude. I can't like, that's so right in my G spot. Dude.

Right. Right. When a big brain comes out with it. Cause you know, these fucking, these, these hopped up gummy scientists. Oh yeah.

That hang out in lab coats and small runes going, what if nerds on the exterior of an egg, but the inside is a sour gummy. And you're like, yo, yo yeah i know you can't do this guy's a fucking genius yeah dr one getting a fucking getting a promotion well this is just the version now like back in the day somebody was like hold on peanut butter and chocolate and everybody's like easy weirdo yeah come on Yeah, come on. What is this, the future? And now that's completely normal. So this is how it starts.

It's the same guy that said, well, marijuana plants are beautiful. Sometimes I just look up their photos. Fair enough. You got to piss. All right. All right. Do we pause? Yeah, let's pause. I'm going to get a glass of water.