Stuff Island - Stuff Island #13 - calamari foreskin w/ John Feitelberg

Episode Date: February 2, 2022

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No good marriage ends in divorce. What? Louis C.K.'s bit. No good marriage ends in divorce. It's never happened. If it did, that'd be actually sad. Yeah. I'm just immediately like, congrats.

As soon as someone's like, yeah, we're not together anymore. I just assume like, it's just a montage of all the hell, of all my hell relationships. It goes through my head and I'm like, he's free too now, now i guess well that that probably says more about us than totally like i was buying her flowers for the last month trying to get her back i'm like good for her my reign of terror is yeah let me tell you something you're good on water after uh after our last conversation you want to vape no i'm good all good. All right. Jesus Christ. You want to share a vape? Well, Norman wasn't drinking, too, the last time he was on.

Oh, yeah. Let's talk about your fucking. I lost another friend to the booze. Well, no. I'm not out. I'm not out. Oh, nice, nice, nice. They got me down, but I'm not done for good.

That's why you look like a longshoreman. Like a Scottish fisherman. He's on IR. Yeah. I'm out for IR Yeah I'm out I'm out for now I'm out for a little bit When Shane and McClusker

Were in the McClusker were in the Studio the other day A couple weeks ago Shane was like Yeah you were hitting it Pretty hard Dude pandemic

I was hitting it Buddy Fucking hard Yeah I had pancreatitis I fucking Oh did you Yeah I fucking

They were like They were like Yeah you're really young For this to happen Basically me and like The lead singer of the Pogues Yeah I fucking oh, did you yeah, I fucking they were like they're like, yeah, you're really young Basically me like the lead singer the post The in fact I was adopted last night and I was there like seven hours I had to get they have them back in August So then they were like they're like, all right, like you can kind of start drinking again like a little bit in december so i started drinking again a little bit and then went to the doctors and they were like you gotta

pull back again yeah and so i went to to like an internist yesterday and the fucking couple of things happened first of all dude dude is like 100 years old. He came in and he asked me what my profession was. So what's your profession? I was like, it's such a hard thing to describe to an old fucking turtle. Bro, dude is a legitimate fucking turtle. I'll show you a picture of him later. He came in and asked me, he goes, what's your name?

I was like, what do you mean what's my name? I don't give a fuck. I give them nothing at this. So he's going yeah so he's like he's going through he's typing on his computer fucking so goddamn slow and he's like so what's your profession and i was like oh man it's fucking i work in sports kind of like i i grab onto that stuff yeah yeah nothing in sports anymore yeah because of barstool sports i can still hold out a little hope for that and he's like well what do, what do you do? I was like, I have a podcast.

And he goes. What's a podcast? He goes, does Neil Young like your podcast? Nice, dude. And then, but then I was like, oh, this dude's like hip. He's with it. And then he goes, I just don't understand why he's giving that Rogan fella fans. I've never heard of him.

Dude, for being 100 years old, that's pretty legit. It was pretty impressive. But then they're like, he actually, he basically starts just punching me in the stomach and he's like,

does that hurt you? I was like, nah, I'm good. He's like, but I don't even know what you're here for. Are you kidding? Wait, wait. They get out this,

like this new machine. He's like, maybe we should get a younger, fitter man to punch me in the stomach. Dude. Well, that's what's kept him young. He's probably been beating women the same way.

The punch takes fucking six minutes to get there. Does this hurt your pancreas, bitch? But they put out the strap. Not strap, but they hit you with this machine with a kind of like. Yeah, like the Theragun kind of thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a thump in your liver. Yeah.

And then my liver's straight, dude. Dude, I've taken steroids from Russia and this thing fucking holds up real nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I took Windstroll that I bought online back in like 2012. What sport? Nothing.

Oh, my God. What sport? The beach, baby. Dude, fucking beach. I knew it was you guys like that who were taking cycles just that be look it works so well it's great i was i fucking i can't do a pull-up i can't do pull-ups can't do pulls for shit yeah it could never have been able to i took winstroll i took

or i wasn't i wasn't shooting up i took winstroll and bro in two days I was banging out 30 like I was a no chara I just rip it stone yeah me well I just pancreas is just like I don't know what the fuck I don't know what you expect me to do down here there are two or three necrotic. I never heard that word in a context other than fucking dead body. There are two or three dudes I went to high school with that still maintain a level of steroids and they look like action figures. And this dude

used to stab himself with a needle and he got infected and he was on a row machine. That's Shane, by the way. He was on a row machine and he had this infection and it just blasted all over the fucking window, the way. He was on a row machine and he had this infection and it just blasted all over the fucking window, the mirror.

Wait. Like popped his zit almost? Shane distracted me. He popped something. He was using a needle and he got infected. I guess he used the same needle twice or whatever.

He was popping his arm. I've seen Ren. Don't do that. Yeah. So he just had one huge swollen arm like the Resident Evil guy? Yeah, I guess he had like an abscess

and he was doing fucking rows like this and it just went pop! All over the mirror at the gym. Yeah, dudes are like, well, we already knew

you were doing it but now we definitely know you're doing it. Yeah, when your muscles are exploding. Dude, that happened when I was a kid with the Patriots.

It was Teddy Johnson. Teddy Johnson ripped biceps back to back seasons. We're like, you might be doing it a little bit. You know how hard it is to rip a bicep dude what what why I don't like I get the sports thing you're trying to stay in the game yeah but why do it like what in this neighborhood are women are demanding that dudes be can you not get laid unless there's not super recent I did. I did it when I was younger, too.

I did it twice. I took fucking... Dude, what did I take when I was playing sports? I was playing baseball. Being with an A. It's where they give AIDS patients. Anibal? No, it wasn't...

No, it's like... Androdiastine. No, I think you might take some, though. No, I researched. That's definitely a hybrid of three different drugs. Androdiastine? No, I think Andro take some, though. No, I've researched. That's definitely a hybrid of three different drugs. Androdiastine? No, I think androdiastine is a... But this is like a loose steroid.

They give it to people wasting away. So their muscles hang on for a little bit. I remember a university... And you're booting it in the back of an LA Fitness. Dude, I remember while I was taking it, the AIDS part didn't turn me off the university of georgia cheerleader female failed the test for it and i was like this is fucking kind of lame that i'm taking this like now that's give me the stuff the

offensive lines on not the cheerleaders i do love the idea of a cheerleader having a mental breakdown like i gotta get fucking yo I gotta get fucking some shit yeah I remember like in the post about her failing it was her like this yeah man never mind it like when I heard it I was like that's fucked up there I saw it I was like I want to buy like that chick I had a similar situation with it turned out to be my gallbladder is what this doctor told me I've been to a doctor in like 20 years yeah so finally I was like I was having a sharp pain that would that would come and go and it would be like like a slight needle or a pinch for like three seconds

fade off three seconds a pinch again and then it go away for like 24 hours okay but that continued for like three months and i was like every month i'm like it's your liver crying yeah and i started doing research about like cirrhosis and shit because i went hard as well a lot of people went hard yeah i went hard before no do my brother the same thing and he would just do stretches like i gotta stretch i gotta like cramp yeah yeah so then i go to the i go to the doctor and i'm describing this to this this handsome greek guy should have been broadway he was tall and handsome beautiful man and i'm telling him that it might be cirrhosis and he laughs he just goes it's not cirrhosis and he laughs. He just goes, it's not cirrhosis. And I was like,

well, what if, and I went in there with the same anxiety I have all the time which like all the barstool thinks I'm a cokehead 24 hours a day. So I'm going fucking,

I got 17 questions for this dude. I was like, what if it's stage one cirrhosis? What if it's stage two? And he's just going, stop, stop. He's like, trust me.

And then he described what cirrhosis was. He's like, you know you see those guys around town that are skinny, the guys that open bars at 7 a.m. to stop their shakes, the guys that have like a fucking tie around their wrist, they get the first shot in. Those fucking maniacs have cirrhosis,

and it takes about 30, 40 years of drinking a fucking pint of alcohol a day before that breaks down. And what happens is the reason they're skinny and they have a giant fat belly is because they're getting all the calories from booze. So once your body depletes of fat storage, it starts to eat away your muscle. So that's why they all have skinny arms and they just have a bloated belly.

And then the organs start to eat themselves within. And then the bacteria has to get itself out from the bloating and stuff and that's why they have these open sores he's saying this to me I'm like fuck oh see you're saying this film of let's get a beer and then he followed up with he goes he goes well you Greek or Thai and I was like I'm a time and he's like what so you have like a Mediterranean diet right and I was like yeah yeah yeah yes exactly I acted like I knew and he's like so you have like a Mediterranean diet right and I was like yeah I guess

what the fuck's a Mediterranean diet exactly I acted like I knew and he's like well okay what'd you have last week and it just so happened like the week before I had skirt steak like four nights seven I swear to god dude and I was eating no vegetables it was just all fucking red underdone meat and stuff and I'm smoking all this

high fat high caloric stuff and he's saying it probably inflamed my gallbladder and i was like quick what if and he goes he looks at me stops he goes you have one more question and he was dead serious and i respected that and i was like what if i was like you know what i'm gonna pull out of this i'm not gonna save it for maybe a phone call follow-up we did blood work and all that stuff and my my AEST and ALR

whatever the two um the two tests for your liver enzymes they were both they were both high high to a level

where I was like it's double on this one that's nuts right and he goes no mild elevations drink some more water less less alcohol

and I was like do you what does it take for me to have a fucking issue? Because if you knew how much and I'm one of those guys, like, I don't lie to my doctor unless you want to fuck him. I told him everything. I told him everything I've ever done. Oh, I lie to everybody, bro.

I don't fucking tell anybody. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's been so long. I was like, I'm telling him. I finally quit therapy. I didn't tell that person the truth once. Yeah, what a waste of money. The doctor I was at this time, he was finally like, he's like, look, this isn't a social call. You got to just tell me.

And I was like, I can't remember. I was like, just think blackout. That's how much I was drinking. Yeah, yeah, every night. Yeah. Very rarely remembered things. Yeah. I remember the three hours I need to remember every day to do a podcast.

After that, who knows? The last thing he said to me before he went on to another client or whatever, patient, he looks at me and goes, sometimes, Tom, you just gotta chill the fuck out. And I smiled so big.

I was like, listen, dude, if I lived in fucking Croatia, I'm gonna fly into Astoria because you're my doctor for life. I just got that rapport where I was like, you're my guy, dude. When you find a doctor who lets you do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah. That's what the therapist who I lied to all the time.

She'd be like, look, you're trying your best. And I was like, you're right. Yeah. Who gives a shit? Yeah. And then the doctor who sent me to this, the specialist, he, he's very flamboyantly gay gentleman. Yeah.

And when I went to see him the first time I saw him after the pancreatitis, I was like, look, I, I got pancreatitis back in august this was october and i was like it's my sister's wedding this weekend like can i have a beer or two add it you know like i haven't drank since the issue and he goes john here's the deal i want you to live the best life possible and to live the best life possible if you want to have a beer you can have that beer whenever you want to have a beer so have a beer have a beer whenever you want to have a beer. So have a beer this weekend. Yes, dude.

And I was like, bro, I'm back all the time. Whenever you need me, I'm fucking back. Moderation. I don't know anything about it, but you should try it. This is making me hate the medical profession. This is like, medical doctors have turned into

exactly what I thought therapists were like. Where they're like, I can't judge. You're not supposed to judge the client. It's like, this guy missed a huge window to change your life. And he just completely blew it. No. Yeah.

He could have scared you a little bit. He could have. And it might have helped. Instead, you're like, nothing can stop me. Once I verified my blood results, I was like, dude, yeah, nothing can stop this. Except fentanyl. Dude, I remember the day

I was like, dude. I got the strips. I'll be all right. Stick around. No, but I mean, fuck this last, like, you know, I was talking to Chris,

like the excitement of just having a podcast every week and the way it's been going has been great. We've been supportive. You guys are fucking killing it. Yeah, it's been nice. Thanks to you nice thank you yeah yeah all the support for you

guys in shape yeah a YG all the boys but uh just having that level of excitement knowing that you're you're constantly working towards something that's your own brand elevates what it is though you. He always has to do it. He always has to bring pitch meeting talk into describing what we're up to. That we transported to Silicon Valley real quick. Finally working on something that's your own brand. When you find a space. Your voice tone changed. You were on a stage there.

You know what? You know what else changes? My heart and my passion for what I'm talking about. You fucking dildos. That's why I dare to- And you should support that in your friends. Dude, you in a real pitch meeting has to be absolutely electric, dude. A total dynamo.

Yeah. I usually take steroids before. I do fucking 30 pushups in the bathroom, and I come out firing with my eyebrows. Have you ever done that where you talk to yourself in the mirror before something big like that? No. I have. That would be the worst thing I could do. His eyes are the last thing you want to see before walking into a party. I've got to imagine that my face and my body looks totally different than what it actually does.

The last thing I need to do is confirm how bad my facial expressions are. Dude, you're one of those dudes that ducks when you clearly are nowhere near the height of something because you're so confident in the way you think you look. I'm absolutely one of those guys. Oh, shit. That brain is just like a foot and a half above your head, dude. Cars are driving.

Oh, shit. But I did that once, just one morning. Just kind of getting there every day, getting out of the shower. All right, dude, you fucking go out there today. Fucking be funny, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that's what happened to me in the mirror. I'd be like, come on, you go out there and you...

What's the word? What should I be doing? You're the best, man. I'd catch my eyes doing their own thing. Like, I don't know, man. I don't know if you're the best. Yeah, pump the brakes. Turn on yourself.

Why don't we pump the brakes a little bit here? Take it easy, you dumb pussy. You deserve this. You deserve respect today. And my eyes are getting like, I don't know. Do you think you deserve respect today in my eyes again like i don't know do you think you deserve respect it's a pep talk you deserve someone to not punch you in the face like we're like true on respect you don't reserve that there's yeah there's nothing there's nothing that smell spells immediate failure for me than having an attitude of demanding respect like the

moment i enter that headspace it's just people are like what the hell is going on with this guy yeah it's like yeah that's books on tape why is he walking like he's over six feet tall most of my my bathroom talks are usually in a bar and i usually do it in an accent or a character so that it doesn't it's like tricking myself right you know it makes like a fun little entrance into your Your psyche Right If this fails

The message is there But if you do it You can still stare at yourself And not want to kill yourself Right yeah yeah If this fails It wasn't really me there anyway Yeah it was character

We're just having fun with it We're just having fun Dude You're not trying a British accent next time I do I fucking do that with Cause Kevin always does Like our ad reads on our show

Yeah So whenever he's gone Or whatever And I'm tasked with it. Oh, it's the worst thing in the world, dude. I panic so much. I do all of them in accents. Yeah.

Because I can't take myself. You can't take yourself. I'm not the business part of this relationship. I do the fucking dumb shit. He does the money-making thing. Shane, when Shane and I did a... It's like trying to have a serious conversation in a relationship.

It's like, what? When Shane and I did a fair one at Compound, I had to read. I did all the ad reads. He never did one ad read. Yeah. So then when we got to an ad read, Shane would be Shane. And he would just go, go ahead, Tom. Tell us what it says.

So not only do you have that corny bullshit that I got to get choked through this. You got the biggest bullying on earth. Eyeing me down from a fucking orange light. It's like putting a ring on. The eye knows where you're at. While we're talking about being bullied, I got to ask, is this a bullying situation?

You're going to get fucked with for those pants for sure. No, I'm not talking about the pants. The pants I chose. Why am I wearing slippers? Because you got snow and salt. Those are the same slippers you have. These slippers don't fit me.

Oh, they are? I am in Tommy's. You forced him to put those on? They're clearly too small for me. It was out of respect for his heels coming out. But here's the deal. Here's what happened. All right.

Here's what happened. I fucking saw a pair of shoes outside the door. So I figured this was a shoes off household. So I took my shoes off. Well, it is. You just could have took them off when you got in. But why are you guys wearing shoes if it's a shoes off house? Because these are an outside shoes.

Those shoes have never been outside? They have, but not the snow and ice. Okay. So you just assumed That you needed to take them off Yeah I saw a pair of shoes I was like oh shoes off house Tommy just also gives off that

Oh he does He's like For Tommy One of those dads Shoes off in the house First of all As soon as he greeted me I was like I'm taking these fucking

No more compliments That's a wonderful compliment Because he's the only one of us With 45 pairs of shoes Yeah But I was like I took them off He goes yeah you can put these on.

And now that I've had... Dude, I got hooves. I got deer hooves. I didn't know you got these fucking orc feet. Look at them swelling out the sides. Like Bilbo Baggins, dude. You got Bilbo Baggins' whip. This really is.

This is what your doctor wears around the house. Look at the width of his feet. Actually, take him off. You're ripping through him, you fuck. Oh, dude. If you blew out his slippers. I'll tell you what. What else is going to blow out this mic?

This would be the greatest day of my life. What? This mic would blow out because I'd lose my fucking mind. No, here's the honest reasoning is the ice and moisture. You walk over this old Dego marble. It's so porous because it's like 50 years old. It collects dirt inside of it. You're ruining your socks.

Okay. And also, I'm going to have to mop like every other fucking day. That's right. While this guy does nothing. The mop's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is nice. I'll say that.

It is nice. I like the marble. I like nice i'll say that it is nice i like the marble i like the marble a lot of people don't like the marble i like them yeah it's a nice temperature control except when it's really cold like now you know what i mean but i got little footies i got footies i got this is not my only footy i got i got three footy options dude how does how does the marble help control the temperature well it doesn't get when it's really hot out there this doesn't get too hot because oh it's true cool air is cool from downstairs and i'm talking shit right now you know what's the worst quality of a person is two things one you can't admit when you're talking shit through your face you know what i mean or two you're telling a story where the eyes of the other person is clearly disinterested.

You're going way too long, and you don't pull the shoot. I'm so sorry. Who gives a fuck? No, but that's comedian brain for sure. No, I'll get them. I'll get them. Oh, I pull the shoot. I don't even try.

I don't have comedian brain. The moment I see someone lost, I'll walk away. I wouldn't even say anything Yeah I'll get on the trail I'll keep talking But I'll be on a walk On my own after that

I don't try and reel someone Once I lost someone for life I'm fucking out of it Yeah I got on one last night too I was pickled Oh with that dude Yeah

You got into a fight With that guy I tried to fight I think I tried to fight You tried to fight You did I think I did I was getting real Fucking aggressive The guy kept asking me uh who he's like a fan or something

but he was a nice guy but he kept saying i got a room with the marriott and i was like that's great man we're at the stand shane was doing a podcast whatever yeah and i was like that's awesome dude he literally said have you ever seen a sweet inside the w yeah and then i started busting his balls going i don't give a shit I don't think so I think he wanted I think he wanted Yeah

He was trying to get me To go do coke with him I was like dude Stop telling me Where you fucking stay I don't give a shit He wanted you Was he a fan of you

Or he wanted you To come back And just do coke Yeah What did you have to do today This Yeah this This is 6pm.m so anyway i

went we stayed up all night no well if that guy had thrown that out and then sort of pulled back you might have you might have taken the bait no i would not have no that that's to me it's like cooking dinner for someone it's a very intimate thing i need to have a chance yeah yeah Fucking shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm with you. I've never gone back to a second location. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me finish. Let's say the first toot has to be a little more intimate than the 15th. I could be in fucking Cambodia by the 15th toot, dude. I don't give a shit.

One time I was in Columbia, right? And I, so I flew down to Columbia on a friday night i think it was i gotta text my friend she lived there she's like come see me and i was like i had like two glasses of whiskey and i was like flying a flight right now in the morning yeah fly fly out to columbia had a friend in columbia yeah a friend i've had a friend in columbia it was a lady friend you know i know and so so she texted, get on the flight in the morning. Got a connecting flight in Miami. So I text her when I'm in Miami.

I'm like, hey. She's also not the most reliable friend. I'm like, hey, if I was to take off in Miami, what's your address? She hits me with the address. I was like, all right, cool. Anything else I need to know upon landing? Because I was getting in late at night. I was getting in probably, let's call it 8, 9 o'clock at night.

And doesn't reply. Flight takes off, lands, no big deal, whatever. And you know how when you get into a new country, it takes a little while for your service to switch over? Yeah. So I'm walking through, there's no one in this fucking place. From what, a car to a mule? Yeah.

We're in Bogota. There's fucking, I the airport Just cruise through it I get outside Some dude's like Hey man you need a ride He's asking in Spanish Which I don't speak But I can kind of get it

Yeah And I was like yeah yeah So I get in the car with this guy And then my phone Finally turns over And I'm in I'm getting the text And it's like

Whatever you do Don't get in the car With someone who offers you a ride Make sure you go to a cab stand And as I'm And you're already in the cab? As I'm reading that text, I look out the window. It's raining out.

Going by the cab stand. That's not where I got this guy. But I don't know Spanish well enough to tell him to stop and let me out. Or to even get a read on his character. At all. Right? And so I'm sitting in the car. She lived about a half hour from the airport, Bogota.

I'm sitting in the car for a half hour. And I got to tell you, fellas, I was the most relaxed I've ever sitting in the car. This is about, she lived about a half hour from the airport. Go, go top. I'm sitting in the car for a half hour. And I got to tell you, fellas, I was the most relaxed I've ever been. Yeah. I was like, look, this is in God's hands.

Wherever, wherever this goes, this word to you, this guy might fucking kill me. This guy might rate me. I don't know. Maybe I'll have sex with a guy for the first time. I don't really know.

I don't know. Maybe you'll like it. Maybe you'll change. Yeah. Maybe I'll get the candles and plants. That's what he, he ends up dropping me off at her apartment. Maybe you'll change. Yeah, maybe I'll go. Maybe you'll get into candles and plants and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. Big thing coming. But he ends up dropping me off at our apartment. He turns around and goes, hey, man, you want some Coke?

And that's where that night went. Hands up, hang out with the guy. Real nice guy. Oh, see? That's why. And any time you're on the brink of death or danger, just stay calm. Yeah. Well, that's because you have an inability inability To get work done You'd be back there

Freaking out I'd be A cat in a car Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Dude I was

Screaming pull over Opening the door on the highway Oh my god Just making sure It still opens every time You didn't get The bone collector Remember that

I saw the bone collector That's a good movie dude It's a great movie It holds up too It totally does hold up I watched it fairly recently really when they get the

the fucking cabbie he puts a some kind of sharp object instead of the the locks I think he just whittled it down it was sharp and you cut their hands on it

yeah he just cut your hands trying to get it dude I saw that as a kid I was like I'm never going to New York that's what they that's what happens

yeah dude I fucking yeah so whatever I get hammered I'm not opposed to this yeah I interrupted your whole story ever going to new york that's what they that's what happens yeah dude i eat fucking yes well whatever i gotta get i get hammered i'm not opposed yeah i interrupted your whole story no it's great it was wonderful i'm trying to think what yeah he's just hammered right now he's like i was no it's my second period ticket but i would like i had a i made like like nachos i made like white trash nachos and i watched the Golden Corral fight in bed. And I'm just eating fucking cheese and Tostito nachos.

The basic... Those are my favorite nachos. I don't care for nachos. You just layer Tostitos. I knew. You layer Tostitos. That's a red flag. You sprinkle cheese.

You put another layer on. You sprinkle. You put the seasoning on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the fucking best. It's better than 99% of nachos they serve at any restaurant because every restaurant makes a pile of chips and dumps crap on the top. That's too much.

Dude, if you're not layering each layer with cheese, you can fuck off. You can fuck right off. Just everything is too much. And then people, they started doing the thing, the flip. You ever been around someone who likes to flip the nachos?

Flip the whole thing? Yeah, because you get dried nachos on top and you can scoop the wet stuff. I don't do it. I don't have any friends that would do it because if I saw it,

I'd be like, how much do I owe you for the first beer? I'm not eating with you fucking animals. It's fucking, I saw, it happened one time.

I can't remember who did it, but it's insanity. You're just trying to make a shitty meal better nachos fucking suck. Yeah, you started on fucking What's the squid calamari calamari the garbage appetite Calamari is great. No, no, it's just the onion ring ones. Yeah, that you want the full head too they're all we get the little squirmies yeah i like the squirmies give me some crunch how how old are you 33 yeah so you got you don't remember dr fat no dr fat was this asian dude that he was a scientist or whatever and he would he would take these wall wall crawlies and it was a little spider and you dip them in like uh dish soap and you'd launch them at

a wall and they would slowly because of the stickiness crawl down the wall and it would go yeah so that's like those little gross ends yeah they look like the the wall crawls yeah i will i those are my favorite parts you don't like calamari i like calamari i love calamari i'm not real i want to be clear about that i'm not anti-calamari. I want to be clear about that. I'm not anti-calamari. I don't want anyone coming after me. If people get calamari, I'll probably have a bite or two. It's a nice vehicle for marinara sauce.

But it is just, I don't, it's not going to be my appetizer choice. Because it's just, it's just fucking, like, fucking, what do you call them? Foreskins. It's like fucking deep fried foreskins. You know what I learned? You know what I learned? Rubbery. The other day.

Are you Jewish? Am I Jewish? No. I don't know why. You thought about it. Jesus Christ. Listen, buddy. If you are, it's fine.

Shane, lock the door. I mean, you had all the swastikas on the way in. Am I Jewish? Fine. Enough. What'd you watch? A documentary? A documentary?

A documentary? A documentary? No. I almost just explained the whole thing. My last name is final. I know what it is. It's why it is. No, I'm not.

I'm not Jewish. Anyway, you know what a schmuck is? Yeah. You're acting like a schmuck right now, but do you know? As if you had to know. No, no, no. As if you had to be Jewish to know what that is. Hang in there.

Do you know what a schmuck is? Yes. A literal schmuck. Oh, i'm sure it's a dip foreskin it's foreskin they clip off the kind of i imagine looks like a piece of calamari that they whip off the during the the reese or the beach the bris bris the wrist of the beach they just put them in some fire and that's how this is my point calamari when grilled with just a little lemon and and and like open flame is wonderful because they don't overdo it it's tender

it's almost like a like a uh what's that fish a corvina it's an italian sea bass it's coming up on the ceviche we're going to do this week he doesn't care no i don't he doesn't care very No, I do care. He doesn't care. Very much. I love a ceviche. Why would you care about this? This is a wonderful fucking fact.

You don't like Gravina? He likes the deep fried calamari because it's garbage. It's like mozzarella sticks. Yeah, those are great. They're great. Right, but when you go to a really nice Greek restaurant

when you go to a nice Greek restaurant and you get a nice grilled calamari maybe in its whole form it doesn't have to be the rings. I'll eat one of those like one of the fucking tentacles kind of cut out. Yeah.

The rings. That's a and in fact it's probably a schmuck I would guess since it's a foreskin already a severed foreskin Yeah.

I would guess the definition of a schmuck is useless. Yeah. Calamari is a schmuck. Calamari is a schmuck. Calamari is a schmuck. Makes sense. Deep fried white trash calamari of a schmuck is useless. Calamari is a schmuck. Deep fried white trash calamari is a schmuck. Calamari can be nice.

I just feel like I get calamari when there's no other good appetizer options on the menu. It's good. It's reliable in most situations. If you're getting calamari like a fucking apple piece, that's not, you know, that's frozen fish

that's been in a bag, in a box freezer for three to six months. Yeah, yeah. It's dog shit. That's why I choose like that. But if you get a nice piece of squid, and you shape it yourself,

it's going to be very tender. How long have you been chefing it up around here for? I haven't seen the news. Around here? Yeah. Around the city? I've been here like seven, eight years, but I've been cooking since I was a kid.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you give off those vibes. You take off your shoes. I learned to cook as a kid. Well, I was beaten by my dad. But no, I think there's certain things in life.

Here, I'm'm gonna get real fucking serious chris it's nice to have a brand you're passionate about chris hates us but like i truly mean these words like i think i get very passionate about like liquids like i didn't think that word was coming like the amount i know there's two things like there'd be a broader category liquids and solids that you put in your mouth, right? So like you can't live your life. As a 50-year-old fucking man, I used to bust my dad's tits so bad. He grew up his whole life drinking Folgers, Dunkin' Donuts, Miller High Life,

all of like the most garbage liquids you could put in your face at the lowest ring of quality and flavor and experience. In fairness to dads, none of this high-end shit was really available. In coffee, yes. In beer, there was good stuff. You're right.

There was no IPA explosion. There was no craft beers floating around. You're right. What are we talking about here? He has yet to continue, though. My point, set in his ways, but he's also. My point... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Set in his ways.

But he's also, like, my parents had, like, four meals. That was it. We called him Rigatoni Steve because he ate rigatonis every fucking night. Yeah. And then my mom would have, like, chicken parm night.

And then she'd have... Dude, one time she brought out meatballs. She brought a bag of frozen Swedish meatballs. Yeah. You know how the dinner ended? Me and my brothers were bouncing them off the wall. We literally were, like, a fucking... Like a racquet meatballs. You know how the dinner ended? Me and my brothers were bouncing them off the wall.

We literally were like a fucking, like a racquetball. You were literally marinating it up? No, no. They were, because I guess the Swedes don't put fucking sauce on them. So they were just these like frozen. Belt must have gotten a lot of action that night.

My dad wasn't there. You think we'd be acting out like that? Our shoes were off. No, but I'm saying like same thing with food you should have you know a desire to extend your palate

towards other things I'm with you on that I actually have been reading Kitchen Confidential for the first time it's a wonderful book it's very good but the

when Bourdain's talking about like how coming up in the 70s working in P-Town he's like we didn't even he's working on the water in P-Town, they didn't eat fish.

It was like, they had a white fish that they couldn't even name. They threw that in a fryer and that's all people ate for fish. It was long before we were eating monkfish, which I actually just had

for the first time the other night. Didn't care for it so much. It's a tougher white fish. It's very tough. You know that. I know monkfish. Yeah, you are a dirt dog. It has like a,

you can replace that with lobster in terms of mouthfeel. Ah, yeah. It's very similar. Chris also hates when I of mouthfeel. Ah, yeah. It's very similar. Chris also hates when I say mouthfeel. You got to keep it real dumb with this fucking mouth. No, I actually love it. I love it.

It makes me laugh. Nobody else is saying mouthfeel. Yeah. But it's true. Yeah. Texture. All right, hold on, Chris. Let me talk about Hi-Chews.

It's got a good mouthfeel. You're a Hi-Chew guy? I'm a fucking Hi-Chew guy. No, he's a Hi-Chew guy. He's a candy... I'm a huge candy guy. He's a candy connoisseur. I can he's a candy I'm a huge connoisseur I am a sweet

it's bad buddy it's bad yeah I've done that many times that's my shit you know what I freeze gummy bears yeah regular standard gummy bears it's one of my

favorite beach treats so you know how you put together like a nice hoagie and some sides and your beer and all your margarita mix whatever the fuck

in your cooler ready to go get a giant bag of Haribo's the only brand I fuck with toss that in the freezer by the time you get there as long as they're still on ice that is the best beach treat

dude you're making my mouth water yeah dude I'm fucked this is what I'm talking about I don't like Sour Patch. Sour Patch, dude. Sour Patch. Sour Patch.

Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch.

Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch.

Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch.

Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch.

Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch.

Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch.

Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch.

Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. Sour Patch. mouth not getting tired? This is the most embarrassing. Is this a pussy eating conversation? That's why you freeze gummy bears.

It gets you better at eating pussy. I can't. I have TMJ. I got lots of bad. Let's see. Oh my God. Yeah. Stop. Stop.

With you for some reason, I feel like you got it from trying to do that. That rules. Just in your house. It's got to start popping soon. This is a parlor trip. What's my next shit? What's my next shit? You should hear me eat a bagel.

It's a fucking nightmare. My buddy has the same thing. It clicks when he eats, and it drives me nuts. But I got This is like One of the more embarrassing Admissions ever I get Instagram added All the time

Like I get If I see something Me too Boom Fine Done deal I got got Which now you're all

Gonna get got by Fucking These two things You put in your jaw To give you like A better jawline Like it's What?

Like on the bottom? It's like As a workout? Yeah yeah It's a workout jawline. Like it's, it's like, uh, like on the bottom, it's like, as a workout. Yeah. Yeah. It's a workout. It's a workout. It's like,

and you chew it. And I stopped because it hurts. It's just cocaine. This is shocking to me. It's like, it's like this. And you do it like 30 seconds, like four times a day with reps.

And I stopped doing it. I stopped doing it. But it was, I it but it was i dude it was actually kind of like the fucking why i started the beard i was like i'm gonna get i'm gonna grow a beard and then when i shave it i'm gonna have this fucking strong jaw everyone's gonna be surprised by your beard looks like you were like a radiation child japan and also you're the last one there's a weird thing with fucking facial hair confidence. You know what it looks like?

You shouldn't have it. I know, I know. If you think you do, stop. No matter what it is on your face, you're like, that looks good. I saw Patrick from Homes on the Sideline the other day. Disgusting. It's awful. It's disgusting.

But he thinks he looks good. And that's what's happening with my face, too. You know what you look like? Both of you are way too young for this. But shout out to our older listeners That enjoyed Dr. Fad's story It's called Wooly Willy Yeah, oh, I know that

Remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah And it was a magnetic Yes, dude Where you just drag like odd pieces of Dude, I saw Soder at the stand And Soder's got a beard going now too Yeah

And he's just like He's like, yeah, man You just like you're just being lazy as hell, too. And I was like, no, I think it's better. Yeah. I was like, no. What are you talking about? No, what happened was I went to get my first beard trimming ever professionally done. And this was probably like two months ago.

And it was such a harrowing experience. I had such high stress levels. Like, I went to multiple fucking beard stores. And I was just trying to, I don't know. I get fucking panicky about that stuff. I've never done it. So it was a completely unique experience for me. Yeah.

And I hated every single second. When I finally got my beard trimmed, every single muscle in my body was tense as fuck. Like Sweeney Todd was giving it. I was like, dude, just fucking cut the throat. And so I haven't touched it since. And I don't know when I'll touch it again. I have, I have PTSD trauma. Well, what did that is crazy?

Nothing. It's a totally normal thing. They just shortened the length. I guess so. You didn't get like a Puerto Rican trim up. There was no, there was no line. No, there was no line. There was no nothing.

So why don't you just do this for yourself? I could do it tonight. Because I fucking, I don't know. Was it straight razor shave or just trimming? Just trimming. What are you doing? I don't know, man. I don't know how to do this.

Also, you're the last. I don't know how to be a man, Tommy. Teach me. I can teach you tonight. You're the last person I would have ever suspected of being vain. Me? Yeah. I'm not vain, but I'm.

You're getting jaw workouts, shit. Dude, because it looked good. It looked like... What are you talking about? Instagram isn't because of vanity. It's because of

addiction to technology and easy access. How is... How is... Explain to me... Explain to me how buying whatever to chew on

to make your jawline better is in vanity. How are we defying vanity? How is that different from Botox? Oh, I've gotten Botox. Dude, I got Botox like two weeks ago.

Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I think I saw that on the show. Dude. I can't move my eyebrows at all. Still?

Oh, yeah. How long does it last? Three or six more months, I think. I cannot move my eyebrows. Still Oh yeah How long does it last It's like three or six more months I think I cannot move my eyebrows John show us your fake tits Dude it does It feels like

It's like when people Get cheek implants Or something It's crazy I think there's a difference Between vanity And like trying to look better Like you

No there isn't Like yes there is Like you exercise That's not vain Yeah it is Well it's not It's not vain I think I'm vain in that way Where I want to look good not vain. Yeah, it is. Well, it's not vain.

I think I'm vain in that way, where I want to look good all the time. Yeah, I want to look good. But I think Vanity's, like, going. Like, I feel like Vanity, and maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. I don't think you're wrong. I don't think you're wrong. Let's say that. I don't think you're wrong.

I feel like it has a far more negative connotation than just, like, I like to look good. No offense, Chris, but you're talking to somebody that has respect for himself. No, but I'm somewhere in between. I'm somewhere in the middle. Chris but you're talking to someone that has respect for him when he was coming over I was like finally we're gonna drag Tommy into the muck it's just just too degenerate say one fucking thing you follow this lead no but like instead we're talking about cheek implants I'm shocked listen there are levels and I agree with this there there is that gray area where it's like taking care of yourself wearing cologne uh going to the gym and all that shit keeping clean all of your angles and whatever the fuck it is that yes that could qualify under

vanity but it's excessive but it's not excessive. Yeah. Keeping a clean beard is not excessive vanity. It's just that's taking care of yourself. The girls that go to our gym, from fucking eyebrows to the assholes, it's all fake.

Everything's fake. That is vanity. They walk on the treadmill for a half hour and they do one ass machine and they have ass implants. Stay the fuck home. Yeah, yeah. And they have clown faces. Stay the fuck home. Yeah, yeah.

And they have clown faces. Yeah. And they're wearing lingerie to the gym. They have like holdout fake tit tops. I guess what's excessive is subjective. Huh? What's excessive is subjective. Yeah.

That's not subjective. That's way excessive. No, that's excessive. Do you think I'm excessive in my vanity? Yeah, I mean, working on your beard every day, that's excessive. You do every day? No, that's excessive. Do you think I'm excessive in my vanity? Yeah, I mean, working on your beard every day, that's excessive. You do it every day? No, not every day.

I have to trim it every two, two and a half days, three days. Yeah. That's not too bad. That's not too bad. That's not too bad. The reason I do this is because I'm graying. But I think that's a far cry from buying. I'm graying.

If I had this color, I'd keep it that length. I like that length on him. It's good. It works for him. When you gray, you get him. It's good. Works for him. When you gray, when you gray, you get, you get patches. You're accident. And you have, according to your DNA or genetics, you have certain, like my brother and I have the same like raccoon black that goes through the gray and I see him at family parties. I'm like, you look like a dick. Shorten that. You literally look like a raccoon. So then every couple of days in order to suffice. I don't mind the gray hair.

I like the gray hair. I just hate the patchiness. See, I almost use it as an excuse. We're like, I know I don't look good, but I can fix that if I wanted to. See, that's where I thought you were going with the beard. That's where I thought you were going with the beard confidence. Oh, the crazy couch is back. That's where I thought you were going with the beard confidence thing.

Because I like having a long beard because I just know if I shave this, I'm taking 10 years off. You do look like a baby. If I trim this off, I can look like I'm 25. It's crazy. I know I'm grotesque. I know I scare children. But this is all up to me. I can end this when I want to end it.

And I don't think it's going to happen for at least a month. Just buckle up. You look like a deep sea fisherman that talks his buddy into doing math months. That's exactly what I'm going for. You told me I look good. I look exactly how I want to look. I want to look like a fucking guy

Who like Works the dock Does a little heroin on the side Smokes cigarettes inside All the fucking time Yeah yeah yeah Like that kind of guy Says the n-word occasionally

Not all the time But what he means Yeah Not when he stubs a toe on a toaster But also has a vicious jawline Bet that guy's using chisel under there That was a free drop for your chisel But also has a vicious jawline. Bet that guy's using chisel under there. That was a free drop for you.

I also feel like this, around this whole conversation about like, you know, being a little too vain and a sense of pride. I think there's also this hack environment of like an attitude of trying to purposely go the opposite way, especially in comedy. Yeah, yeah. Because you get vilified for caring about yourself. Well, that's vanity too. To what?

Purposely look excessively trying to look like shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's the same exact sickness as someone wanting to get a fake ass. I think so too. It's like, and then you got to upkeep and lie to yourself about this is who you want to be. It's like, just because you want to upkeep and lie to yourself about this is who you want to be. It's like, just cause you want to be a little, you know, street, you want to wear a turtleneck here and there to dress up some stuff, you know, that's fine.

I don't see any wrong way. I've definitely gone through like phases that where it's like, all right, like part of who you are right now is like, you're kind of like a fat asshole. So like let's lean into that. Yeah. Yeah. And then you get worse and feel bad about it. no every day like i'm fucking miserable yeah i wish i could just eat a salad but if someone sees me my career's over yeah so fuck yeah there'll be three comments on this going there's wool on your sneaks queer like people get so nuts because i'm not you know

a burly fucking bed bug yeah it's true yeah and if you care about things like or if you go to a comedy club and you hug your buddy like damn you smell good you always smell good i'm like thank you dude yeah it's for the men well i will say you're one of the only people i think that could pull it off i've always done it this is not a fucking i know no i know i know it's day one yeah i mean day one Like when I was 16 I know I had a fucking crosshairs I know Back when you were Johnny Carson in the bathroom

Yeah Out of the turtleneck Yeah Back when I'm trying to Knock around Amy Dosamore In a basement You know what I mean Amy Dosamore

Yeah I combined two people So it would be Not weird That's a great name Thanks for verifying that Amy Dosamore That's a hot name Well everybody in our town

Is Irish first name Italian last name Or Italian first name, or Italian first name, Irish last name. Yeah. That's the only two options. Yeah. And they all look like the same, you know? Yeah. Either a freckle monster or a deep dish. On steroids.

I mean someone that's been in a fucking air fryer. During the winter breaks, dude. Oh, man. Good thing you brought your body armor sponsor to you. They got any more sponsors here that we're not getting paid It's the only fucking waters we have in the office. Do you need a refill? Yeah, I'll get a refill. What are we at? 47 that's alright get some water and then come back Take a look Get some water and then come back. Thank you. Because I've got something asking. All right. I've also been fiddling around with my phone. I don't know where the fuck it is. Take a look.

I don't even need it. I had it. It must be on down there. It didn't ring. That's why I took it out. Oh, man. You're giving the fans an intimate look at the underside. This is the first episode they've seen.

This is like a huge reveal. What is that? I'm just making shit up. No one gives a fuck. Where the fuck could it have gone? I don't know. Oh, there it is. I see it. Get a lean on.

Grab it. Oh, yeah. Did you have it? What? Uh-oh. You got a place at Bruins, Bat? Thank you, sir. So, hi, guys.

Hi. I just had to trimim my beard real quick The No the You had a question I didn't have a question I forgot I wanted To bring this up

Because like every Fucking episode we do We just fire off And then we end up In 17 different places We're 55 minutes Into something we didn't plan Yeah well this won't

Take long But this is Something John said to us When we first did KFC I didn't know you. I didn't know Kevin either. And you're great dudes. Nice side note.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get over there, daddy. Get over there, boy. But the fucking comment, which I'm sure you're so tired of saying this, so I apologize. Okay. But it was one of the first off that that whole hour with kc radio and oh yeah yeah yeah was one of the funnest if not the most fun i've ever had

on a podcast completely agree it was it was unbelievable we left and immediately got hammered we were like dude i need to calm down here i'm Yeah, we got out of there. We're like, it's one o'clock somewhere. No, I was fucking, I was excited. But also, the line that came out of your skull, which I know every Barstool fan of yours and guys in that fucking area, they know the story. But I want you to tell the possible fans that we don't have,

just as, the whole hooker-s thing is i think about it more than you could possibly imagine the fucking the area you have in my skull about that really forever dude whenever i see a tony soprano gif hear the word sopr See a meatball. I'm thinking of you sitting on a couch with your buddy with a hooker. Dude, I don't know if I told the full story. Well, I did tell the full story. Fire it up. There might be an add-on to it afterwards that I don't know if I got to.

So this is back when I lived in Boston. It was when I lived on Tremont and Mass Ave. And a buddy of mine and we would just like go out, get fucked up, stay up all night. And we, I don't know, one weekend, it just kind of hit us that this funny idea would be to call up hookers and have them come over and basically give them like a respite.

Like, come over. We just hang out for an hour and we'll just chill. And we... this is also the perfect like you want to call a hooker but you're not sure how comfortable you're told no it's a bit dude just do it a bit deep in our bones we both wanted to fuck we're probably here 23 24 yeah We'll just throw on cheers. That'll be fine. It'll be funny. It'll be funny.

So we're like, you know what would be crazy? We'll have them, but we won't fuck them. We'll have them come over and we'll watch TV or something like that. And he was watching Sopranos at the time. I've never seen it. I've still never seen it. I've seen episodes here and there, but I've never seen the series. Get out.

Honestly, I've watched it with so many guys. You've only seen the four episodes you watched. With the hooker. Four different hookers. He's got to order a new hooker every time. Dude, let me tell you something. This is the only way I can get off. This is the only way I can enjoy Sopranos.

The girls beat me off next to me. I'll tell you what, season four, you're probably going to have to Have her mouth being used Cause it's shitty So So we We get We get

We're the hooker And she comes over And And we're like We're just gonna put on Sopranos And And

Honestly the couch setup Was very similar to this We kind of had like A loveseat couch here A longer couch over there It's a chaise lounge I'm not vain I'm not fucking vain

You really You really stepped in shit with Tommy's fucking slippers on. We had these little dolphins. Size nine. Shout out size nine. Size nine and a half. Sometimes size nine and a half. Five, ten and a half.

So we fucking come over and they sat together on the couch. I'm sitting over there and he's got the road he's like let's just put on sopranos and we're watching it and like i can you can feel the tension in the room where the girl like we didn't even address it we're like let's just watch the sopranos and this chick is sitting here and like this wasn't the intent of the bit you could feel a woman's will to live like she's like I am not and so we were like we're like hey just so you know like I'm just gonna watch them so smile and get fuck out of here like this nothing nothing weird and nothing is weirder than repeatedly telling someone nothing weird about this.

It's going to be a normal day. Just a normal night. We're just going to sit here. We're going to watch Sopranos. It's going to be so fucking normal. And every time we said normal, she's like, I am so going to die messy tonight. I think I saw this in the bone collector. And so as we promised,

we watched Sopranos, she fucked off. Did you have to pay for two people? Oh God, I don't really remember, but I... There's gotta be questions going like,

you know, how many dudes are involved? So maybe the, that, you know, that belly fear is like,

there's two guys here. I thought it was only gonna be one. I was promised one. Yeah, that's a great point i i can't honestly answer that question but then next weekend rolls around you fucking take some molly go to jay-z and justin timberlake and fenway park you tired no i'm flying dude time to fucking Get on back page Right

And we're like This one comes over right And she fucking Calls up Calls up What I imagine is her Pimp of sorts Downstairs

And she's like You like Sopranos Come on up It's the one where Ralph gets his head Taken off She's laughing This is the exact It's the one where Ralph gets his head taken off She's laughing This is the exact opposite of the first situation

Yeah, yeah She's laughing on the phone She's like, yeah, nah, nah, it's fine up here It's fine up here It's not the same one No, no, no, completely different one No, no She's like, it's fine, don't worry about it

You can leave, I'm safe up here And I was like I was like, no, hang on How do you know that so quickly? Like, right? Like, you are within three minutes of meeting me. I am a fucking bodyguard. Is a schmuck to you? The next day I ordered steroids from Russia.

And that's how I knew. Is it my jaw? Is it my jaw? God. And same thing. She comes. He comes. And we watch.

Pay her for her time. She fucks off. Third week. It's not happening back-to-back weeks. But third time. Happens again. Same type deal. Fourth time.

We get two hookers this time because we got a buddy over. Right? Buddy's over. And he's kind of like. He's more confused than any of the hookers this time because we got a buddy over right buddy's over and he's kind of like he's more confused than any of the hookers at any point his bird is too he's like what is going you just turn to the hook you're like sorry it's his first time he's a little nervous he at one point we're so fucked up. And we're kind of like, I don't know. I guess we're not really paying attention. They sneak away. And he fucks them.

And he comes out, dick swinging. One of them still naked. And I'm like, bro, have you fucked the hookers? And he's like, yeah, of course I fucked the fucking hookers that you paid for. They're sitting here watching Sopranos. They were bored. They fucking thought they were going to do a dick appointment. So he takes them out back and fucks them.

And it ruined the whole experience. Yeah. We were done. It's a violation of trust. It was a complete violation. It was like, this isn't even fucking fun anymore. But I think this is the part. I like how he played it off.

Like they were getting weird, man. They were uncomfortable. They wanted to suck a dick. They thought they were stealing money from us. They felt really bad about it. They were were bleeding i did us all a favor dude like maybe a month later we never had like an actual conversation like all right enough of the hookers it was just kind of an implied thing like look we're not a hooker fucking household we're uh we're 23 year olds we're virile young men we'll have hookers over to watch this. Fuck them. That's crazy.

House meeting. We've lost our way here, guys. Somewhere along the line, we flubbed up. But like fucking a, within the next month or so later, he's out, he's out, and I have some girl come over friend not not a working girl but i got her up on the shea lounge fucking doggy and i'm fucking right in there right right as he walks in late night and he kind of just looks goes to his room he thinks it's his proud

nose girl though next morning we're kind of just sitting around he's like man you hookers on your own now because the girl he's never met before i was like no but did you go to bed last night thinking i was just eating the stripper's on the fucking and he's like you didn't even think to bring it up yeah yeah it's just like a very calendar watching like like a nfl game day college game day and he's like What's up with tongue fucking hooker? Yeah, you just look over like yeah, it was a good episode To have footage of him walking in the door and just watching his shoulders drop Fuck man, you cannot be doing that. One of the greatest bits

I think I've ever... I can never imagine. It's also funny to be like, were you eating some hooker's asshole on the couch last night? No, it was a regular girl's asshole, dude.

Come on. You know. Chris doesn't know about it. That's equally weird, dude. I think it was more the distrust, thinking they just, you know, watched the fucking, they binged like two episodes of Sopranos

without the kid. That's also funny. You're watching without me? Yeah, yeah. The same fucking roommate, the same roommate I live with, and we would watch Sons of Anarchy every night, right?

This is when it first came on Netflix. And this is how good a goddamn friend I am. He had a real person job. So he'd have to get up at like 7 in the morning, go, I don't know, sell things. Whatever people do. We don't do this dumb shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And go work sales.

I couldn't tell you what any of my fucking friends do for a living. No, no. He did sales somewhere for something. And so he'd call it at like midnight. I go to bed. I have to wake up in the morning. All right. So we'd have watched like three sunday anarchy episodes that night he'd go to bed i'd be all fucking jacked up on sunday anarchy still ends on a fucking cliffhanger i gotta see the rest so i'd watch about three more episodes i'd go to bed at 3 a.m 4 a.m wake up everyone works the next

day he comes home he's like want to Sopranos Do Sons of Anarchy Yep I'd start where we left off With him Never told a soul That's a good move Watch the whole series Yeah

Fucking four Three times Eight episodes a day Only four to die No way Damn dude You should start Placing bets about like

What happens next Yeah Dude that thing To this day I've never told him 100 bucks what comes out of his mouth next that thing too about having a real job just i remember i had a real job for a while and i immediately felt like like right out of college i got like a regular and you had to be there at nine and you got an hour for lunch and then you could leave at five

and i remember being like oh fuck i'm back in elementary school right yeah i'm gonna kill myself i have to be it didn't matter how much work you got done during the day that was irrelevant if you were five minutes late you got in trouble that's why you get if you left early you got in trouble you meet your quota like week two of the month yeah you fuck off for two weeks dude that every every every like quarterly meeting like one-on-one thing with my boss would be like we would fire you because you're late all the time but you're doing more work than everyone yeah dude that's so it's a problem it better not happen again it's the same things it's been two quarters now i i that that's never been something i'll be

able to comprehend And I never Like Why does when I get here matter It doesn't If I'm doing what I have to do It doesn't What does it matter when I leave

What does it matter when I get here It doesn't I have to do the job Which I guess is kind of What's happening Now with the pandemic When people are like Look my work's getting done

You know where the fuck Where I am You proved that You can do it from home I don't need to be In front of your face Yeah yeah Dude that happened to me

One time I had a buddy Who's like my liability buddy who was just like every day. It's just stressful knowing him. Where it's just like... I know what you mean. What? But he called me.

I'm not a liability. You are a fucking liability. How am I a liability? You're stressful. Stress, I can understand. A liability, though. Because you're a liability. I don't cause damage I couldn't I can picture what damage this kid and like you would lose do one time

we were fucking we were drunk at brunch he got a text from his accountant that his accountant had fired him because I'd like it like he's like a well-to-do kid he's like and he's got his parent was like he drained his 401k to take two new friends to vegas and he was like his account goes i fire you as a client but he caught that was it that was a whole email i fire you i'm not hearing liability i'm hearing a cool time that's a good time but he called me one day because he had one of these jobs like i forget where he's day because he had one of these jobs I forget where he was working

and he had one of these jobs where you gotta be on time and all that shit and he calls me on a Tuesday morning you get a call from your buddy on a Tuesday morning you know something's up

yeah so I answer him what's up man bro I just got fucking fired I was like ah I'm sorry to hear that what happened fucking bullshit dude I don't know

something about like I'm never here on time. I don't respect the dress code. My numbers aren't where they're supposed to be. I have the largest expense account at the company. And I talk back to the boss. I was like, so every reason. It's all.

Honestly, the most. You can get one of those. Yeah. I have all five of them. The most upsetting thing about that story to me is that he called you. It's like you get fired. Take a day. No contact. Get get rid you know what i mean any any normal human being is like i can't tell anyone about this i gotta frame this in a certain way yeah i was i gotta change things every job i was ever fired

from i just go it wasn't working out it's not like it's not something i wanted i can't see myself there in five years i started talking like you know interview style our five-year time frame didn't align yeah meanwhile i was like throwing up all over the bathroom floor pantsless one of the serious uh scenes i relate to most in life which is a problem uh is you mean debris owen owen wilson's job interview yes he goes you guys respect flag day and they go no he goes what's your flag day policy we work he just stands up and goes well it was worth a shot flag day is uh june 14th june 14th, yeah? Yeah. Is it? Mm-hmm. How do you know? Oh, because you... Hey, Siri. When's Flag Day?

Flag Day is on Tuesday, the 14th of June. I got to piss. What the fuck was that? Why are you... Go to the page. All right, we'll go to the page. Why is it the 14th? Did we win the war on that day or something?

Isn't that Bastille Day, too? Isn't Bastille Day June 14th I feel like it's in June for sure it might be the 18th or 4th I don't know it's a wild guess if only we could use Tommy's fucking Siri hey Siri when's Bastille Day sorry I don't know when that is my series is fucking retarded I think it's July 14th we're close with the 14th though we had that one