Stuff Island - Stuff Island #14 - million dollar waterpark w/ Dan Soder

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

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Big Baby! Oh, no, that's upstairs. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He just moved he moved Dude it rules really? Yeah, we yeah, he was looking for a new apartment then we finally just like hit us Yeah, we have the upstairs tenant downstairs tenant moving. So we after he saw like Someone's still gonna move downstairs. Yeah, she just moved in. It's something strange. Why? You want in there? No, I ain't coming. Dude, I spent 15 years on this godforsaken island.

I know. Also, basements fuck you up. You can't live in a basement. There's only like, fuck. It's like a VFW. There's like one window. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's a moon base.

You got a year on a moon base before you start like singing weird songs and eating shit and the thing is while it's happening you like don't notice you're like I'm actually managing

this pretty good yeah dude I lived in a windowless room for eight years I'll never recover I'll never recover we have a sound with a woofer

or whatever the fuck that like shakes the walls when we watch like movies at night not knowing because we're fucking drunk like if I live downstairs

I'd be like turn up the bass so I could feel something it's fucking it's fucking it's dark dude so katie owns her apartment and so above her i stayed at her place during the pandemic like mike had his girlfriend uh stay at our place in astoria and i went to katie's and we were like you remember those first two weeks of the pandemic it was so fun no one was talking about it sure we weren't it was so fun i was getting so stoned two weeks drinking chocolate milk and playing i learned about rocket league dude i loved quarantine well i don't know about you it's like but i've been waiting my whole life for a snow day oh my god scale

you didn't realize two weeks you thought it'd be like two weeks you were like i literally said that 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24.

25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32.

33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. Yes, dude. It's just fun. Big fan. It's just a very fun thing to do. And the people above us wrote us this note that was like,

hey, we got a new baby. You guys are being kind of loud. So we moved to the living room. We just cut off the music. Randomly, like six months ago, they moved out. And whoever moved in is this young dude with a lot of money because he's living in a two bedroom by himself with he's into music so he just makes music all day so it's like

and my dog is like what the fuck still still dude he was he was uh is he at a halloween party he's like mid-20s okay early to mid-20ies I guess it's like dance music it's the shit that remember when you were young you were like I'm never gonna be old yeah I'm always gonna know the new music

yeah yeah yeah I don't know what this shit is yeah yeah yeah well he's making it some shit he makes some will be like is he listening it could just be a whole

Molly making machine up there though those young kids get fucked when they get money all they do is get fucked he has a window and when I'm walking my dog if I'm at an angle

like a block away there's a parking lot between us I'll look and try I'm at an angle like a block away there's a parking lot between us I'll look and try to look in his like from a block away what is this

so that's Halloween you put a mirror on like a extension out the window like a war movie I put it on a knife but we were we were like

it was Halloween and I hate Halloween yeah it's fun if you have kids or if you're a hot chick. That's what it's for. It's for children and hot women. Yeah. So my girlfriend and I were like, let's just stay in.

We'll get some food, avoid the streets. And this guy had a rager that started at like 1 p.m. and went, and it was 10 p.m. And I just remember Katie walked. This is the oldest we've ever felt. Katie walked in the living room at 10 p.m. and I just remember Katie walked this is the oldest we've ever felt Katie walked in the living room at 10 p.m.

and she goes if this goes on for about another hour I'm gonna go say something we were both in that mode nine hours into the party yeah and it was just

one more hour I'm gonna go up there I know we gave him a good shift but I think we need to go up there and fucking say something yeah dude

every night for like two weeks it's like what's the new cocktail we're going to drink? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was making a different drink every like, you know. And that's eventually what broke us up, my ex.

Really? Yeah. The first six months were like, this rules. Let's get fucked up. And then the last six months, you're just bickering. Oh, you start getting fucking holding on to a bottle of Four Roses drunk? Yeah, yeah. Where you go like this, you go.

Yes, dude. I bet you didn't even vote. Yeah. What? Yeah. Not saying you voted for who, but that, I bet you didn't even vote. What? Not saying you voted for who, but that you did it. Dude, then I'm in my bedroom starting to make my own beats. I could do this. It's just you and a drum.

What's that noise? Too empty paint buckets? You're doing your own stomp in your living room, in your bedroom. Dude, alcoholic relationships are the thing that I, outside of hangovers, miss the least. Yeah. Drunk fights with a girlfriend. Yeah. When you're just at a bar and you go, what?

Yeah. She's like, I said I don't want sandwiches. And you're like, so fuck is that supposed to mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're bringing up some shit from third grade. 100%. You get caught in that loop where it's like, why'd you say it like that? Say it like what?

Yeah. But that doesn't happen until like the fourth beer so here's the cycle first beer I love you so fucking much I'm so sorry

so sorry about last night beer two beer two you're like this place rules do you wanna dance I would also amend I would amend

that beer one also has a sorry about last night. What even was that? Yeah. We, why do we even throw in the, like the,

why did we even do that? What are you doing? Number two, you're like, Oh, I haven't heard this in a while. Beer three, it starts to shift for her because I got a higher tolerance.

So it depends on your, your time. So drink three for people that can't fucking throw them down. That's when they just start. Are we eat soon yeah are we gonna get i don't have anything in my belly let's start talking about where we're gonna eat because that's why we came here for you to have a couple drinks think about what restaurant we were gonna go to you're not even thinking about eating yet yeah and i'm like what one more let's get one more so she gets one more that's where i'm like this place is nice and she's like i need something to

eat yeah well she's that's the turn that is the the full the full moon hits her earlier yeah or she'll be like are we not gonna eat and then you're like what's your attitude this is fun and then that's yeah beer five is delivered by a decent looking bartender dude here's the questioning coming oh yeah you think she's hot she's cute you think she's cute she's not your type yeah why would you think she's not your type right now yeah yeah well you just objectively she's a good looking girl does that matter yeah well if she's yeah i probably would have sex with her don't say that because it's been going well beers two through six you know what we're an honest you pepper some shots in between the

beers you're having you might be like you think i got a shot what do you want to fuck her and go did she say anything to you yeah i would i would work mine would come in uh cigarettes so i would have a couple drinks go smoke a cigarette come back and be like what's up mood shifted yeah yeah have a couple more drinks come back out because i could go all night. Yeah. But I'd come back in with a girlfriend. You'd be like, yeah, all right. This one girl I dated, I took her to a show at a Mexican restaurant. That's the worst part about when you're first starting your comedy. You actually have to take your social life to these abominations.

Yeah, you're doing like 10 minutes above a taco shop. Oh, my God. Just after fighting with your ex. yeah you're just eating you're doing like 10 minutes above a taco shop oh my god just it's just after fighting with your ex i met this girl i met this girl when we were dating and we went and she was like i'll come to queens i was like i have a show in astoria and it was at this mexican restaurant right on steinway i forget which one and the guy would like didn't have any money but he's like it's open bar and so we just went after it. And I don't remember how and when, but I know the fight ended with her crying in my living room, me outside smoking a cigarette for nothing.

I don't even think we had an argument. And then I slept on the couch and she woke up and she's like, what were we fighting about? And I was like, we don't even know. Yeah. No, you create these false sense of reality that you then convince yourself is what's happening.

And it doesn't disappear until you sober up. Yeah, I went on a second date. And the first date had gone really well. And the second date, I was meeting her friend. We met, and I was doing some show. I was like, you shouldn't come to this. It was improv, which I never did. But some improv people asked me to do some improv. That's like gay for which I never did but some improv people like a students

That's like gay for pay for comedy You're you're in the circle dude, it's still the same So we have like a couple cocktails and they're like we really want to go and I'm like, you know I'm like loosened up. So I'm like, all right, I guess just this is gonna be bad. Yeah, I went out there I Was hammered I was hammered and I was like, I'm already, all right, I guess this is going to be bad. I went out there. I was hammered. I was hammered. And I was like, I'm already not good at improv. Like, I do not. Yes, and.

You're not a. Yes, and. I'd say no, but. I fucking know that. You are no butter. For sure. No, that's not what's happening. But I also won't do the dishes.

You're a fucking nobody, dude. I'm no button so hard that after the first round. You're just shutting down an improv team drunk. You know the talent you need to shut down improv? What a wonderful world. Chris goes, no, it's not. Not at all. What about suicide?

You ever had an uncle kill yourself? My father had PTSD from NOM. no it's not not at all what about suicide yeah did you ever have an uncle kill yourself my father had PTSD from numb okay they keep doing

the thing where they're walking around what if I'm a wizard getting a free slice of pizza what the fuck's

wrong it was like so awkward and I remember I went backstage because they would have like a little interstitial thing

between like little sessions of fucking improv or whatever improv kids improv guys are the ones that kissed their dads on the mouth oh a thousand percent and they they're in the back and i'm standing there and they come up to me they're like dude if you don't want to go back out for the second one like you totally don't have to hey you're really fucking us up so if you want to fuck it who brought the drunk down they were like yo they

can just they can just do this next one like just a little agree you take a little break they're trying to keep it as positive as possible by asking me to just like close it down and i was like no dude i'm having fun what's going on i'm having a drunk having a great time ruining you weren't drunk you would have heard two of those people go around the corner and go like, what the fuck is this? What are you doing? And you're like, huh? Dude, this is- But drunk and oblivious, you're like, no, dude, I'm ripping it.

Let me out of here. And you're like, shut down three of our fucking improvs. No, no, no, dude. Three of our improvs. Fetch me another beer, dude. It is like, it's like drunk dancing at a wedding like you think you're

fucking everybody's just laughing at you yeah dude I ruined an open bar venue in Philly that like everybody loved to perform at

and they didn't really they didn't give you money but you had open bar and I went there how did you ruin it my tolerance you just got hammered no I

no they were just like I can't afford to keep doing this. Because of you. Dude, I was having like, I'm going to say 10 tequila and tea coolers. I just ripped a fucking bottle. They should send you in. But I'm fine.

That's the problem. Being a good drunk is not a good thing. No, being able to consume a lot of alcohol is not a good thing. Yes, especially if you can handle it socially. I can, yeah, which I could. I was usually one of the last to drop, but that wasn't a good thing. Right.

I would rather be the guy that takes his shirt off at a diner after like two or three drinks. And then you're like, all right, get him home. My thing was always like- No way. Yes, because then I wouldn't continue drinking. No, but then your hangover is full of like- That's all right.

Legal proceedings. Yeah, where you're like, I don't know. I can't go to a fucking water park. I took my pants off in a playground thinking it was funny. It got like a... Dude, I got bounced in a water park. I don't want to forget this. You did?

Yeah. Just go right into it. I'm so sorry. Who gives a shit about... I don't give a shit. I want to hear this story. What's the beach in Central Jersey? Wildwood? No. It's up towards Belmar.ide heights yeah famous location of spring uh mtv summers yes mtv summer

house also incredible water park to dangerous water slides especially hammered there was one that had these they twirled in in and of one another, and then they just fucking drop. Whoa. And you got to wait until the dude gets cleared at the bottom. It has like one of those like 100-yard shoots for them to slow down. Do you go on a thing? Do you go on a pad, or do you have to do a certain form? Yep.

So I'm waiting. The dude can smell the liquor. I got like fucking Troy Aikman eyes. I got like whiskey eyes. You know what I mean? I love it. And you're just talking to everyone in line. You're pacing back and forth.

I'm bothering strangers. You're bothering strangers. You're just like, where high school do you go? Are you guys like the Giants out here? Go Birds. Yeah. All right. Cool, man.

Watch this next one. Watch it. 10th grade. 10th grade. You're going to have fun. You're going to have fun. This dude looked at my posture and he was just leaning in between both of the tubes, and he was like, don't do it.

Really? All he said was, don't do it. I was like, what? He's like, dude, don't do it. There's nothing like a sage water slide guy who just goes, you're not going to want to do that, hombre. I guess you got enough gas in you to fuel a truck. Instead of a cigarette, just a 60-ounce, take his whistle out?

Yeah. Don't swim. Dude, so he was like, no, don't do it? He was like, don't do it. And you got whistled. I think I was 23 years old. I was with a pack of fucking animals. And you have liquid backbone.

Yes. Six of us. We hide like 40s inside the locker. Awesome. Awesome. There's nothing better than that kind of drinking. Yeah. We go like...

And then you put it back and you're like... Yeah, dude. We're like gerbils. Yeah. We're gerbils. Just moving that steel ball. Dude, but then you sober up because you got to go up like 17 flights of woods, slippery stairs.

Anyway, so it's my turn. And I'm like, I'm not going to. And I went forward. I went to head first, obviously. And I'm whipping down that thing, dude. And you go over and over. And if you don't catch enough speed or too much speed, you do the full circle, right? So I went up to the top

and then fell back and then do the same thing and fall forward and slam my head both ways. So I'm getting concussed. I'm getting fucking dinged up coming down the street. What?

And then I go like through the fucking, the slowdown part. Face first. Yeah, face first. Just eating. I got my suits up my ass but at the same time i can't breathe because i'm like throwing up water there's two security guards meeting me before i slowed to a

fucking stop they walk me to my walk me to my locker limp two security guards wait why at a water park you went head first yeah apparently it's very dangerous and they're like that's the only thing they try and yeah because they don't need you they don't need tommy pope going around the fucking new jersey area giving speeches as a quadriplegic being like at all i was having fun locker beers are bad so the guy walks me in a locker how did they fish you out were they like you get out of here they were like come on buddy because they like, you, get out of here. They were like, come on, buddy. Because I fucking knew. And you're pulling your suit out of your ass? Literally, I thought I chipped my tooth. I was so banged up, dude.

The audio. I open my locker. I open the locker, and there's shining in the glistening sun is a half fucking Colt 45. He's like, pour it out. So I have to pour out the fucking 40. And this is all in front of like kids are like having fun and still to this day the best water parks you ever see side heights i don't know if they still have that whipper but what i'm unbelievable what i would give to hear you being

like dude i water parks to me the i remember my dad took me to one called waterworks near san francisco i was like in the bay area and they would give you this like sponge that you would go down on yeah it's it was a sponge shanathan and the thing the thing fucking dropped and i just remember them being like it's really scary like no it's i was maybe like eight and I just remember them being like, it's really scary. I'm like, no, I was maybe like eight, and it dropped, and I was like, I made a noise in front of other kids that I was embarrassed the rest of the day.

I was like, I was actually afraid. Hell no. Anytime someone asks me, what would you do with a million dollars? One of my things, which I've already told on that golf thing about like a a fun system of of uh like uh when you go to a driving range yeah you'd have one slot for a certain sport and in the distance certain rings to hit like for golf you have a point system are you inventing top golf Are you in front of us? No, no, no. He goes,

tell you this, driving range, there's chicken fingers and wings and nachos and you can get beer and it's stacked up. He's not even saying that he wants to invent it.

He just wants to go. Dude, I'm going to make you shit your brains right now, Tommy. We can go to Topgolf on Thursday. I can take you there

on Thursday for $39.99. Then we can get an afternoon. Guys, I wasn't done. I'm fucking dead. All right, all right. No, but it's all sports. So there's like you go to another session,

you bring the distance in, it's footballs. Okay. You know what I mean? Then you get for the lesbian some softball until you bring it in a little bit. Good luck swinging on one of those softball pitches. He just wants a bar with chicks. That's the last one.

They can watch him throw it. He just wants girls going, wow. That's the last song. They can watch him throw it. He just wants girls going, wow, you're so naturally athletic. He goes, basically right here, it's like a pussy buffet. And they just watch me go down and I fucking alpha for them. And then in every interview,

they suck me off. And I go to the next one. And I hit a three and they suck me off. Anyway, the second idea I wanted was a fucking adult where you'd send a waiver. Like the Action Park was in Jersey, but bars at the bottom of every one. Like you flow right into a lagoon.

Oh, that's fun. A pool bar. But you pick up speed and shit. Shit's a little dangerous. You got to wear helmets on some of the rides. Shit like that. Real fun time. The best part will be,

if this process even moved forward, would be the inevitable shutdown by the insurance company. Or they're like, we're not going to insure that. Yeah, we can't. Possibly. What are you fucking talking about? Talking about putting a bar at the end of a pool at the end of a slide that's very dangerous? Tommy's like, I'll cover it.

I got a million bucks. I got a million. Sir, that's not even going to get you the... We're not even talking about the land leasing. You can't even buy land. You have to lease that. And that, by the way, that's your nut. That's gone.

That's a mill. That's just me drinking in the woods. It's just you with a fucking garbage bag down the side of a hill. And you go, there's a cooler at the end. That's the bar. You guys can see the concept didn't really take off. I just went in the ground with a hose.

Sliding down a hill. You guys been to Tommy's Field yet? I think he bought it from Soul Joel. He did what? I already won the lottery, but what did he do with it? What a fucking field in a Royer's Field. My childhood consisted of getting wet by the hose in the backyard and your underwear. That was like my, that was my water park.

So, yeah. And the sprinkler, we didn't have a sprinkler because we had a tiny little fucking dog shit lawn. But those sprinklers that moved like that. Wealth. Extreme wealth. You see that on a lawn,

you're like, that dude is loaded. Extreme wealth is... Yeah, that is true. That's the... Actually, when we moved to the final house that we lived in,

when my mom did her final level up, we had the sprinklers that were like, would come out of the ground. Oh, yeah. Which were fun as hell. Like golf course sprinklers. Yeah. But in the burbs of Denver, they were like common. Right.

How much, what's the landage? We got to be talking here. Oh, it was just a three bedroom house. I'm talking acreage. Oh, nothing. It was in the suburbs. So you got to. It was like five of them and they were in their lawn

it was like uh it was one of those communities you know those like cookie cutter communities yeah so they like put all the sprinklers okay so it wasn't like we had an install no i came with a house i don't even we the house before we used the one that went like yeah yeah this one she's like oh shit they're in the ground and then i just remember the sound dude we had my 10th birthday party in the run swear to god slept over went saw jurassic park it was jurassic park one in theaters dude 10 year olds dicks getting hard yeah i was like 35 after yeah tommy had already served in the navy i was but i like, it was like a nice night. And we're like, we're going to sleep outside. And we all had our sleeping bags outside.

And then you just heard like the. When they turn on. And my mom forgot to turn on the sprinklers. Yeah, dude, that's little kids storming the beach. I just ran. I didn't get wet. I just ran. Yeah, I feel like that could be one of those things

that's surprisingly not that expensive. Do you ever like... I remember the first time I saw a garbage disposal. Yeah, we had one at my house. I was like, holy shit. Your sink grinds? What shit? East Coast people,

this is what's funny about growing up anywhere west of the Mississippi. You guys have been dicked your whole childhood because all your houses are from 1719s. So they're like, wow, a garbage disposal. And you're like, anyone that was born in the 80s from west of the Mississippi is like, yeah, we had one in our house.

I didn't grow up poor. I didn't grow up rich. I assumed a garbage disposal must cost two grand. Just go to a house that was built after 1900. It's like $39.99. You guys are all in row homes, these weird shit. I don't know.

You guys don't have to conserve metal for World War II anymore. My boy, Cooch, had a... Save our grease for points. And he had an above-ground pool, which I thought was incredibly wacky. That's crazy. Pools are crazy.

And he had a trash compactor. Trash compactors now. I will say, when I saw a trash compactor, the time i was like what's up jetsons when it's like it's crazy that trash compactor blew my mind it's unbelievable yeah that's fucking well nothing nothing got me like the first time i saw those drawers that like- Oh, they slide? And then they just stop and slowly close. Oh, yeah. I was like, what the- Those are ghosts.

Fuck is happening here? That's a ghost. That's a ghost drawer. I don't trust that shit at all. Yeah, I literally did. I was like, take that drawer out. I want to see what's going on. You know what the craziest one I remember was?

The first invention where I was like, damn. The sensor on the garage- Oh, yeah, yeah. To stop it from crushing your car yeah don't you just hang a tennis ball from the ceiling yeah yeah sure but i'm saying like no no when my friends finally when one of my friends got the fucking laser the laser yeah where you'd be like whoa i just remember being like go back up and then again fucking nuts i didn't i didn't realize that the garage door also has like a thing where if it like hits something it'll go back up and back do it again it was fucking nuts I didn't realize that the garage door

also has like a thing where if it like hits something it'll go back up yeah and I remember I used to like slide under the garage

Indiana Jones like slide underneath it like every time it's very funny and then one time I like tripped and got caught and it closed

in my back and I literally my mom was on the outside and as it was starting to touch my back I was like no I was like screaming like and as it was starting to touch my back, I was like, no! I was like screaming.

Dude. Like, I thought it was going to cut me right in half. If that thing wasn't a thing, and your mom had to watch your internal organs get crushed, where you're like, no! There's blood coming out. And she's like, oh, the funeral for you. Christopher, what are you doing? Peanut butter, jelly jelly and Cheetos

coming out your mouth from lunch my little Indiana Jones he got crushed damn dude yeah those and

the first friend that I saw that had the coat on their garage which was very common in the suburbs we never had one of those I still don't know

a buddy that does where they're like and then they're like weee oh alright yeah I like we're gonna get one of those realtor boxes from my friend. Oh, yeah.

Oh, just to pop it in? Well, you could just always leave your spare keys on the back fence. Yeah. And then you put a code in for it. Did you code for your keys? Yeah, dude. That's how you get all those realtors who are just former hot girls, the ghosts of hot women. Yeah.

That's where hot women go to throw heat in their 40s and 50s. Or cheating on their husbands. A lot of cheating on the husbands sending around the codes to open houses. Really? You think a lot of houses are getting banged in? So the realtors go to these,

you know, they're little slam pigs. Most of them. God bless them. They're bowling alley pigs. They're paps. So they'll just throw it. Yeah, it's just sluts in a Remax balloon pigs they're paps so yeah there's just it's just sluts

in a remax balloon that's it dude it's just it's just hotter sluts you know how like like sex parties have like a code outside

they put like one red balloon yeah it's a remax sign typically the golden blue you know the red nose it's a

it's a fuck house they just keep and they'll send the text out to like this thing's been in several it in there. And they'll send the text out to like, you know. This thing's been in several porns. Yeah. Yeah. So they'll say they have a house open and it's not selling.

And they also have like certain hours to open it to the public. So they'll tell, you know, some other realtor. Like, you know, between 10 and 12, we got the whole fucking house. And they just go fuck. And they fuck other realtors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you know, little slam pigs that get all liquored up at a meet and greet did that be so fun to be a realtor like conference yeah oh yeah it has to be like sodom and gomorrah yeah any business conference just beef what industry fucks like that got the alcohol sales

yeah i worked for. So you were talking about how you're like alcoholism can push it anywhere. I got hired by Guinness. Yeah. Back when I was waiting tables. Every time you say Guinness, you burp like that. That shit came out of nowhere. That shit came from 2011.

You were that good at waiting tables. Guinness was like. No. No, no, no. We need you. Call them up. You're the best. You're the best lunch server at this Mexican restaurant in Midtown and I go I told you I don't I don't want to do that no more

guy's so good he can sell Guinness in a Mexican restaurant and I did the lager but they my buddy did it my buddy Julian McCullough did this gig for Guinness in like 08 where he was like the Guinness ambassador and he would like you go around and like do these corny shows promoting Guinness yeah but they wanted a comic they didn't want an actor and so Julian did it and then quit drinking and then they came back in 2011 like we're gonna do it again and he's like I don't drink but here's some names and he one of the names he gave was me and so I interviewed with him they gave me this job so i worked for guinness which is owned by diageo which is like one of the most i know prolific liquor reps they're the bad guys they like come in and they buy all the liquor but they have everything they have fucking uh their beers are like guinness harp red stripe and but their liquors are like johnny walker

jose cuervo they have like so many of the big ones yeah and so i got hired by diageo and i like was doing these guinness stuff and they're like one of the liquor reps was like you live in new york city right and i was like yeah he's like well as a diageo employee you can go to the bar whenever you want in the office and just have it's an open tab and you you're not allowed to tip and i was like what's up and i was just coming? And I was just coming out of waiting tables. I was like, I was dog sitting for Bobby Kelly and he lived in Hell's Kitchen. And there was an afternoon where I walked the dogs,

ate like an alcoholic lunch where it was just like bread and things to sop it up. And then I went to the Diageo office. Yeah, yeah. I was like, what's absorbent? I would have ate a sponge if I could. You're insulting me. yeah yeah yeah i just like well i was like what's uh what's absorbent it's like i would have ate a sponge if i could you're you're insulting me this feels like an alternate script for that adam sandler movie where he gets the remote control in the back of like bed bath

and beyond yeah the guy's like yeah you can drink forever it's crazy you're not allowed to tip you can't get cirrhosis the bartenders are naked it's it was insane. And I would go in and I would have like Johnny Walker blue. I would have like, you know, a couple Johnny Walker blues. The sun's up, right? This is like 3 p.m. I would go downstairs, smoke a cigarette, and then come back up just to this bar. And the guy would be like, the look on his face where he was like, he asked me, he's like, what do you do for Diageo?

I'm like, I'm the Guinness ambassador. He's like, do you want a Guinness? I'm like, Johnny Walker blue. Yes he's like do you want a Guinness I'm like Johnny Walker Blue so they get sick of you because it's not a bar you are tipping them though right

you're not allowed to tip oh you can't yeah but I tried come on I tried trust me

for Johnny Walker Blues I was like do you want my credit card you know that's like buy something for yourself because I feel bad

but they get sick of you they get sick of you very fast yeah because they probably because you're like we know what you're card you know downstairs and like buy something for yourself because I feel bad but they were they get sick of you they get sick of you very fast yeah because they probably because you're like we know what you're doing you know that

progressive commercial about like turning into your dad I like when I if I have a few beers I try and tip because I just

it makes me feel good a little bit I tipped the guy at TD Bank the other day that's the security guard at TD Bank what

I was like here's five I don't know I was just what was his reaction he was like oh shit good looking man he don't know. I was just. What was his reaction? He was like, oh shit, good looking, man. He was fucking loved it. People love to get tipped. Oh yeah, yeah.

But it's when they try to think about why that you're like. No, no, no. He holds the door for you. And every time I'm there, because I got to get the rent. Every month we have a good conversation because there's a line of, you know, ethnic women back in the lineup with questions trying to get the bills paid. I feel like I've been there with you like three times.

You never spoke to any security guard. You've been there twice in two years. Shut the fuck up. We never talked to a security guard. Yeah, don't you encroach on his friendship. We have a rapport. So, you know, I nod and we have a good conversation and then I go up to the front

and one day I was just feeling it. I was feeling it. I was like, I have an extra five hours in my pocket i was like were you drunk he was like oh shit i had a couple beers yeah there it is sober you're like what the fuck well going back to this guy would stop holding the door for you the perfect amount of beers i was at like three beers you know what i mean i was feeling it and you were on your way to have more weren't you oh wow yeah dan go back to your lunch i'm just gonna hobble in bread and then just go and soak up all the whiskey i'm a boxcar man yeah dude that that five dollars when you give that yeah when you're drunk you're like i just changed yeah yeah and then then you sober up and you're like what fuck i needed that i i

was high on the train and i was listening to my i had my earbuds in and i was just running into the city and this older black dude in a vietnam hat long beard just stands up and says something i you know you're like all right this guy's asking for change or whatever train stops and i had like two bucks on me so i pulled two bucks i just give it to him his face was like what and I was like I got off the train I'm like oh man I don't know if he was asking for money I think I just stuffed two dollars in roll black and tan it was like there you go I was like oh fuck oh fuck it haunted me for like a fucking week that shit is the the scariest moment when you were like about to ask someone like they worked there or like yeah yeah

i had have you ever had one i had one there's a there's a duane reed by my new apartment but it's also a walgreens yeah they own each other yeah they know that i'm at the duane reed and i'm like looking for something see a black dude doing some stuff with the tag on and i go hey and it's walgreens and i go i tried to get out of it mid-ass and then i was like thought you had something i thought you had something right here yeah where's the milk and he was like right over there i was like so you do work here oh fuck oh fuck dude I thought I fucked up. Because I walked up. I was like, yes, no. Yeah, dude. Shit. Yeah.

I mean, I'll ask. As soon as I walk into a hardware store, I ask a stranger. Yeah. I mean, because they know hardware guys don't have uniforms. So if you're a man. Yeah, they have back braces. You look like you know what you're doing. Yeah.

Oh, do they? If you're wearing a back brace at Home Depot, I'm going to ask you a stuff. Oh, no. I'm talking Steinway. It's true. Oh, yeah. Pop shops. Oh, yeah. You support the local. You, no. I'm talking Steinway. It's true. Pop shops. Oh, yeah.

You support the local. You got it. Especially with hardware stores. Also, I became friends with the owner. Three beers in. Very nice man. He told me not to buy what I was looking for there. He was like, don't buy this here.

Just order it on Amazon. It's a lot cheaper. That's the kind of quality of a man this guy is. So now I just make up shit I gotta buy. Now I'm like, oh, I gotta get light bulbs. He goes, Tommy, I know what you're doing we're losing the place it's gonna become a pro-yo

stuff a five in his mouth it's gonna be a Dwayne Reed Express my father's owned this since the 30s I have taken an approach where I will just ask people like they don't work there if it's like in the middle you have any idea where the you have any idea where the...

You have any idea? That's a good move. Is the best sentence. It's the best. You have any idea where this... Because you're not, it's not accusatory. Right, right, right.

It's like... That's a great one. Hey, we're two futzes. You have anything around here that's fucking... Because then they go, excuse me? Because the excuse me

is where the guy got me oh god damn it dude tell i want to throw you on the bus real quick the uh the one episode you ever hear his patrick mahomes story where he he hung out with Patrick Mahomes? Him and you and Santino were with Kelsey after the... And he just didn't tell us until we got on a podcast, but it wasn't planned. He just was like, oh, yeah, I forgot.

I understand that. Because also, the thing with comics is we're all insecure, sensitive pussies. So it's not bad stuff you gotta worry about you celebrate the bad stuff yeah true something bad happens and you're like I can't wait when I was constipated I was like I can't wait to tell Jay

yeah yeah yeah wait to tell Jay yes but something really good happens nah I gotta wait till the right moment I gotta wait till everyone's everyone's fucking cool because then what happens is you tell a comic and they're like, yeah? You can see their brains start working

like they gotta balance the ledger. They're like, all right, well, I'm gonna introduce you. No, I'm very happy. He's fucking hanging out with, what's his face? Patrick Mahomes? No. This weekend I was like, how was Chicago? I was like, do you have anything to talk about?

Like anything big happening? He goes, no? He goes, no. He goes, Andre Dawson came by, but he was a little long in the tooth. Alex Caruso. That's awesome.

Yeah, yeah. Caruso. That's awesome. Yeah. And he's talking Caruso and they're playing golf with us on the Oculus. That may happen. That's anytime,

anytime I meet any of these guys, I just corner them and I'm like, dude, VR golf. We're trying to have them play it. You gotta play VR golf. Well, because to have a play. You got to play VR golf. Well, because he was from Chicago.

Yeah. Yeah. And he did the fucking Chicago. Yeah. It was nuts. That was crazy. Yeah. It was like 4,000.

It's 3,500. Yeah. Nate just did it too. Dude. All of our friends were there like trying to talk about like Norman and, uh, or yeah, Norman Murill. I think it's Sam Murill's doing like the beacon. Yeah. Yeah. Like Joe list. I just saw him, saw him at the cellar and he's like, Hey, when did, uh, or yeah, Norman Murill. I think it's Sam Murill's doing like the beacon. Yeah.

Yeah. Like Joe list. I just saw him, saw him at the cellar and he's like, Hey, when did, uh, when did the beacon become like fucking Caroline?

Why are all our friends doing all these things? Like didn't DeStefano do it? Yeah. And then he's doing it. And, but I mean, Chicago theater with Santino, you got to figure some Chicago people are gonna come through.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. His whole family was there. It was pretty wild. Yeah, that's fucking nuts. Caruso, though, man. Caruso's awesome. No offense, Santino. Yeah, it's great.

Caruso. I wanna fucking play VR with Caruso. I love Santino, but like, fuck Santino. Come on, dude. But it's like, move. Caruso. What was it like hanging out with Kelsey? He's the fucking man. Was he? He's the nicest move. Caruso. What was it like hanging out with Kelsey? He's the fucking man.

Was he? He's the nicest guy in the world. You're a Birds fan. You're a Giants fan, right? I've become an Eagles fan. I grew up Jets. Okay. But you have the working man, Kelsey.

You have Jason Kelsey. Yeah, yeah. Who's like, I want a fat for everybody. And I want free health care. But also, unions are important to this nation. And then you got Travis Kelsey, who's like, yo, girl, I'm telling you right now, we're going to have a couple of these. We're going to have a couple of these.

I got to tell you, you're on your route. Run your route. My question is, how wiggery did he get? Yeah, it's pretty. Was he like, oh, shit, dog? Was it like that? No, it's a lot of like, if you say something pretty was he like oh shit dog was it like that no it's a lot it's a lot of like it's a lot of like if you say something funny he like there it is but the lean oh man yeah you are why are you so different than your brother that's the immediate question i would

have gotten in trouble that's what happens when you get high you know why are you different than your brother and you went to a face but they got along they got along really well when they were around each other they seemed the same really yeah yeah but it was it was funny because like after the game we were all like we're in the suite watching the tv watching like the interviews the post-game interviews and everyone's quiet watching travis talk and the whole time, Jason's just like making fun of him. Yeah. It's just everything he says. And like...

That's awesome. Travis' girlfriend kept turning around and being like, shh. And he'd just talk right over her. Yeah. Dude, he had spent like literally everyone in the suite would just like, every time they went to go get a beer, would be like, you want to chug one?

And he'd be like, all right. And he spent the whole game like facing off against people chugging beers in their faces yeah and winning every time yeah yeah can you do that to drink thing with their like yeah yeah it just goes right down yeah man first time i saw that i was like what the fuck yeah yeah no those are guys that if they were chicks would be deep throating yeah so any anytime anytime anytime i see a dude do that, it's like, it's a little gay. Yeah. So you got no gag reflex.

Anybody listening to that, they can do that. Just know that's what some men are thinking when you're at the bar. You don't have to look far. Yeah. He goes, buy me a beer. You ready to get hard? I bet that dude can smoke some dick for sure. When I'm lying when i'm lying in bed like i just reach over the end table for water in the middle of the night i don't pick i don't pick my body up i just i just

so what do you do do you go in from the side and then but how no but i'm saying how do you go from it being up to down yeah you gotta like you gotta like do the wraparound and you gotta put it in your mouth yeah you start on the side it And then you're like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. It's like getting Chinese in a shitty neighborhood. You know what I mean? You got to get your hand all the way in. All right, reach in. There we go.

Yeah. Yeah, the drinking water when you're laying in bed hungover is, I had food poisoning and I got Gatorade and that's how I was drinking it. I was drinking it with like a little through the side of my mouth. Yeah. Dude. That ferret trip. What temperature do you drink your water at?

Cold. Yes. Ice cold. Like 32.5. I want it. Cold as ice. 32.1. Just right above freezing

is what I want. Right in those waters. You sound like a fucking... Cold water. Is that a thing? Like where they say it's better for your body? They say it's better

if it's room temperature. Because you're not exerting energy to break down the temp? Well, your body, like putting something cold in your body, I think it has to like react to it. Yeah, but isn't it like an ice luge kind of thing? Like when you put whiskey down and it's just so cold by the time it... So cold. I think the exact opposite happens in your body.

It's so hot in there. Yeah, 98.6. As soon as it goes down, it's a heat luge. Yeah, heat luge. So you put the cold stuff in there. That's what you can call your esophagus. In a medical book. That's a red flag right there at the Remax.

The O'Connor Book of Science. You guys get it? Dude, whispering that in an open bar. Who's up for heat luges you guys want me to get inside your heat that's a good name for a pussy can I get inside your heat luge everything we put in there hot

I think we're going to make some scrampy eggs with this comb people would always say that I love luges oh my god when's Lays on hit what was this who chopped this ice And people would always say that when you, like, you know, you're really, I love lucious. Yeah. Oh my God. Damn. We're in college. What was this? Who chopped this ice?

Well, that, that's another millionaire thing. I was like, yes. Who paid for this? Yes. It's, it must be so expensive. Cause it's a planned party. Yeah. Super planned part.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You can't just carving ice. Yeah. Yeah. You can't just get a big block of ice unless you're connected. Yeah. I did ice. Good luck. good luck getting a giant thing ice yeah and then cutting it better know a guy who knows a guy i feel like i was so fucking in all i asked like what are they gonna do with it after

the party oh really do you lock it away for the next i think it just evaporated dude you just put it out back and i was like wait you was like, wait, you buy another one? Oh my God, recyclable. We just leave it on the yacht and it melts. What do you guys do for a living? Yeah. It's like we go to school with you, fucking idiot. Are you guys Rockefellers?

Yeah. I just thought there was a separate freezer, like walk-in freezer, just for the luge. Girl, you go to the walk-in, go get the ice clamps, and then bring them out. We'll chisel in the little design. It is funny, though, because all those party designs like if you do that you have to be you have to

have a pretty good sense of humor where they're like yeah we want tits and then we want it coming out of a big dick and you're like let me get my pick i know well they're so good they'll do it with like a chainsaw first yeah i've seen've seen it live. It's fucking insane. Just carving tits out of a chainsaw. I don't know if this is a Colorado thing or not, but in Colorado, sometimes you'll be driving through the suburbs or neighborhoods, and you'll see a fucking log cut into stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You mean like carving a bear out of a tree? Yeah. Yeah. But it's more common than you would think in Colorado. I bet. You're like, oh, these motherfuckers just out here like, reeming, reeming, and then carving like a bear out of a tree yeah yeah but it's more common than you would think in colorado i bet you're like these motherfuckers just out here like me me me and then carving a squirrel eating an apple you're like how do you do that yeah well it's clearly some woodsman that's moved to the suburb whose wife got a job at etna yeah he's like well i guess we can't live up here anymore

there was one dude in our neighborhood who had like two animals on his lawn so he was i don't know i never saw him doing it so i don't know if he was paying someone to carve one was like a big owl one was like a fucked up bear with like because it never because they're gonna suck you're gonna suck the first you're gonna fuck up yeah the first there was a bar in uh in delco that my brother and his friends would go to and it had a wooden indian in the corner and my brother's like i'm stealing that wooden indian one day and it was like 500 pounds this thing is it's it's he still has it it's on his back deck it's about i'll say like six feet tall jesus and it's about like this wide and it's an indian

with his foot on like a stone but he's got like a one midget foot cuz the guy couldn't The dimensions are there one one is his name was hobble leg But I understood he didn't have a lot of space to work with so it was cute But the the one guy distracted the bartender with like a story or whatever There's no hot girls where she was like shit tell me more about it And then your buddy got his friend who's a world's strongest man. Fucking chalk up his forearms. Three or four of them.

They tipped it. One guy opened the door and they fucking barrel carried this thing into a truck. Into a truck. The bartender doesn't know? Also, another legendary... He's probably happy to get rid of it.

He's probably been trying to get rid of this fucking Indian for 20 years. Nah, dude. It rules. It's really nice Indian. I'm a dickhead.ian dickhead yeah i'm telling my brother about this they also stole the cigar out of the pep boys the actual cigar out of the physical pep boys on top of a fucking pep boys late night what they got on the roof and stole the cigar out of the manny mower jack whatever the fuck yeah the three of them who's got a smoking habit rips the goddamn cigar out of what was the cigar though

yeah what it's not separate it's not an actual cigar yeah but it wasn't an actual cigar it was like aluminum or something i mean it's gotta be i never saw it they're not like hey for the sign why don't we roll a big coca? Well, it had to. There's no way. It's not a mold. It's not like... Hold on. I'm looking up this pep sign.

I'm looking up pep boy signs. This sounds like a fake drunk story. It's like we stole the cigar out of him. I've seen the Indian. I'm going to tell you

right now. I never saw the cigar. He goes, I'm going to tell you right now. I had sex with two of the pep boys. Pep boy signs.

This also isn't my friend. I'm going on his word because he was a fucking lunatic. That's a great story. That's like if you said you could take the guy's glasses off too No that was a part of the mold

This apparently was inside A separate thing That sticks out A 3D one Inside the Was there a cigar On like one of these guys Because I'm not

I'm not seeing though Where the Just look it up Because I'll be I'm very upset That this is on the airwaves We'll cut this And I'll give my brother

A fucking scolding I'm like yeah yeah, that was, I was kidding, dude. I was fucking kidding. I don't see a cigar in there. Yeah, no,

because my friend stole it. At all. So it's Manny. Manny from Pep Boys is the one with the cigar. All right, we're getting there. Dude,

I'll text him right now. What's funny is this, he could also, fuck it, I'm calling him. He could also have such brother energy where he's like,

yeah, lie to you. Yeah, yeah. There's so many of those. Get the? Fuck it. I'm calling it. He could also have such brother energy where he's like, yeah, I lied to you. Yeah, yeah. There's so many of those. Get the fuck over it. I actually can't call him because he's too nice. As a younger brother. Don't worry.

We'll figure it out. We'll figure it all out. I'll post it. I'll post the screenshot. You'll edit it in. Confirmation or not. No, just put it on Instagram or Twitter. Yeah, that's always fun because was it your older brother or little brother?

Oldest. I'm the youngest. It was the middle. It was the oldest brother. So the oldest brother, so he could just tell you stories. No, he's a wild boy, dude. The Indian's on his back deck.

It's got fucking, it still has cracks and shit in it because you're just not supposed to keep it outdoors. You're supposed to keep it indoors. Yeah, it's just, take care of it. It's for like cigar places.

It's supposed to be in a humidifier. I think he just got racist after they played the Redskins. They're like, get out the fucking, get it out of the house. Yeah, I don't want to see it, honey. And ever since then, he's been cursed be in a humidifier. I think he just got racist after they played the Redskins. They're like, get out the fucking... Get it out of the house. I don't want to see it, honey. And ever since then,

he's been cursed and getting thinner and thinner. Dude, those videos on YouTube get me every time. I can lose four or five hours. What? Like when they're just like, someone takes a block of wood

and puts it in one of those spinners and they just carve it. Yeah. Does it make it like railings? Have you ever been to the Reddit Oddly Satisfying? Yes yes it's very fun yes because yeah you don't have to go look up for yourself though every comic says that including myself

yeah and you don't realize i don't even know how it works you're a narcissist you could just look up anything right i looked up i found why not just do that on regular google because reddit's specific reddit's like it's it's so zeroed in on a specific thing like i play that online game friday the 13th okay and i was like how can i start with a pocket knife and you go to reddit and you can look it up right like right there oh because like friday the 13th the game has a sub i just can't believe this is the first time i ever asked this but that's really what reddit does what's for yeah it's like the whole internet jesus christ it'd be like all the internet coming together in this it's a mole but, it's like the whole internet. Jesus Christ. It'd be like all the internet coming together in one place.

I'm going to get buried in this. It's a mole. But you can go to oddly satisfying. You can go to made me smile. What about porn? Shower thoughts. They got porn? I'm sure.

Yeah, tons of porn. Don't give me that shit. Gerben exclusively watches porn on Reddit. What? Because of how specific you can get? I've never watched porn on Reddit. Yeah. Take it easy.

He swears by it. Yeah. I mean, he gets into crazy so he's watching he like he spent a while just watching girls just milk their tits and drink it i think what you gotta do some weird stuff you know i'm in the ukrainian twins that are stuck together reddit's got a lot of that reddit that's the thing about reddit they can go too hard calm down yeah they'll they'll drag you there's fun some reddits yeah like accidental stuff too like is there any like because i'm into like accidents and oh yeah oh

yeah oh yeah buddy dude i feel like that's its core business yeah maiming yes dude and shit talking those are the three pillars of reddit because the site i go, you can't really search like dudes getting hit by trains. Like you have to go through- I'm sure there's probably, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a subreddit called hit by a train. Yes. Let's look it up. It's probably like best gore. Yeah. Or like accidents. I bet there's a subreddit for accidents.

There was a subreddit. There's subreddit. I think there's a subreddit called heavy seas, which is just boats and big waves. Oh yeah, dude. There's- I think we're a subreddit called Heavy Seas, which is just boats and big waves. Oh, yeah, dude. I think we're on different fucking wavelengths. You can check out accidents. You can check out accidents in Africa. Train. What about train?

What country you want the accident in? I mean, dude. Train accidents. Yeah, this is people, like, their car stalls on the train. Oh, there's trains. There's tank porn. Crazy fucking videos yeah dude I fall I'm big in the jumpers

and dudes getting hit by trains I follow battleship porn really just sick battleships oh I thought they were like decommissioned and then they fucked them it's like

oh god I watch them really give it to the USS Arizona yeah it'll be like HMS Mary oh my god 1945 oh watch them fuck the Eisenhower oh oh fuck It's S. Arizona. Yeah, it'll be like HMS Mary. Oh, my God. 1945. Oh, watch it.

Fuck the Eisenhower. That's got to be somewhere. I mean, you should add Sands the fucking after saying I'm in the battleship porn. Open the bay doors. Oh, fuck it. Let me just see the cabin. I just want to look at the cabin. Ooh, is that the fucking, is that where the captain sleeps? Are those the quarters?

Ooh. Oh, I do love that. sleeps? Are those the quarters? Ooh. Oh, I do love that. I've never been on a battleship. I'd like to be on a battleship. I haven't either. I want to go on a submarine. Submarine would be fucking awesome. Yeah.

Submarines are sick. You ever do like, you ever perform on a ship that had to go out for like a week or whatever? I did the Impractical Jokers cruise, but that's it. What was that like? It was fun because it was all our friends. But the shows were all right. It was a cruise. Yeah.

And that was a good cruise because they were all comedy fans. Yeah. So they're like... I kind of judge adults that go on cruises. I think it's disgusting. I mean, yeah,

I'm not a cruise fan. That would be the only cruise I ever went on. Like after it, like Jay will do like metal cruises and he does like a couple other ones and he was like how much did you love it I was like did not oh my god it was very ready to come home do you like big boats all right I don't know do you like big boats and I get shit for

loving tits I get shit for loving big t. That's what I do. Dude, as soon as he says- I get shit for loving big tits. He's over here going like, I love big boats. His legs start swinging. He's like, you like big boats? We were in Florida and- And then the boat, and the way they dock the boat is they have to anchor it. And you're like, damn, dude. O'Connor goes straight, fuck it.

Santino and I were in Florida having lunch, and I had this view of just all the cruise ships and shit coming out of this like every 10 minutes i'd have to just be like wait what he said god damn it what the fuck santino's like is it it's happening again chris is just sitting there mid-bite. He's just enamored. Maybe that's your autistic thing. It would come out of the harbor. Audie, dude. He's an audie.

Audie, audie, audie, audie, audie, audie. Audie, audie, audie, audie, audie, audie. He's like, just looking at a boat. Give me that audie, audie, audie, audie. Well, it would come out of the heart. It would come out of the heart of her. She just pulls out

a Rubik's Cube. She goes, I was telling you about the tour. This is finished. She's plucking a tennis ball. Dude, I cannot do Rubik's Cubes. What got you into boats?

He's from Connecticut. So all his wealthy friends have boats. No. Did a lot of your friends have boats? No. One friend had a boat. I never really all his wealthy friends have boats. No. Did a lot of your friends have boats? No. One friend had a boat.

I never really got to go out on boats. What is it about it? Because I'm not shitting on you. I genuinely want to know, like, what gets its hooks into you about big boats? I just can't believe how big they are. And then... Are you fucking Do you

And there's That would be the funniest answer I've ever heard That would be the most Genuine funniest answer I've ever heard To a question He goes

Dude you're so big I just like Imagine dude Dude you got You were really geeked out I like I like humans Oh my god dude

That made me Conquering the earth That's what I like So I like When I I like watching big boats in heavy seas. Yeah, big boats in heavy seas. I want to see Mother Nature give a boat everything it can. Oh! Oh!

Oh, is that all you got? You fucking slut. Fucking knock me with your waves. And I want to see the boat just handle it. Oh, you stupid bitch. I don't care if the tide's coming in or out. Fuck. Oh, my God, dude. You love a big boat.

Dude. I love watching a boat just take a pounding out of it. Oh, you got. Dude, lock it in. Holy fuck, dude. So, there was a video once where, like, they flew a weather plane into a hurricane. I was like like let's go you know what dude like talking about your weird shit you love to watch i get that because for

some i love watching and i've said this on the bonfire before but i love watching videos of people shaving uh dreadlocks off like they have like super long hair and watching them take it off in one of those like time-lapse videos and then they're like because there's something about that yeah you're like dude i don't know what it is it's like the way people love uh pimple popping yeah yeah yeah i can't watch pimple popping videos but like a guy shaving his beard off and then being and i'm like oh it must be i grew this just so i could shave it off yes dude you have no reason where i'm like i'm so excited for wednesday'm going to cut it into a weird Fu Manchu. Go to the bonfire.

I know what else you're going to cut it. Oh, dude. And don't you fucking lie to me. Everyone's got to hit it once. You got to hit it once. You got to go. Okay.

Dude, I get it. I get it going good, dude. Every white guy goes, I see. I see. Yeah,

dude. I, going for I'm excited for the just to take out the chin oh it's the most the best feeling in my hair

I'm gonna take out the chin it's so dense in there yeah I wanna take it out and then just have the smooth chin you can do anything cause you

you got the voice you got the look the height you got it all you can do anything you got it all did you ever grow your hair out really long yeah I can't do it it's weird it's all weird yeah yeah you can't grow nice

like it's curly in parts and then it gets fucked up it really accentuates my baldingness when you get older and grow your hair out long you're like oh so we're thin but dude i remember because i always loved getting my head touched like i like i like lice checks l my head touched. Like lice checks. Do you ever have lice checks in school? No. No, dude. Once a month.

Once a month. Once a month. Connecticut, they have that shit. Jesus. Once a month. Talking about water sprinklers. Are you getting your check for lice? Once a month, parents would come in and they'd go through the room and they'd check your scalp for lice.

Now, I've heard of that happening when there was a lice outbreak. Well, it was going through the room and they'd check your scalp for lice. Now, I've heard of that happening when there is a lice outbreak. Well, it was going through the school. Damn, did you live in a licey part of Connecticut? Dude, this makes sense. So it was the best when concerned moms would come in because they'd give you a really thorough going over. This does sound like a subreddit. Just the middle of the day.

Concerned moms checking for lice. The middle of the day, just touching your head. The worst was when some fucking dad came in and gave a shit. Oh, yeah, you're not a homo. You just go like this and move on and be like, fuck, I've got to wait another month. But then, do you remember which mom did it the best where you were like, okay, get on there. Oh, yeah, Mrs. Bennett. Mrs. Bennett?

Mrs. Bennett, get in here, Mrs. Bennett. Mrs. Bennett, get those claws in here. Yeah, I always liked when I would get my hair cut and you know I went to a barber for the longest time and then they wash your hair and you're like oh it's this Chrissy Del Franco used to wash my hair she had I don't know if they were real or Lee Pressons but she was so fucking hot she's my first babysitter too so I was already obsessed and then she opened her own salon and she used to dig her claws in the back of my fucking head and she would take a long time on the shampoo yeah yeah that was like a little extra spent a little time this is I'm just gonna win and I was like 16 so I'm being off

towards yeah I'm surprised you didn't come in your pants what it was it was why you got a cape on yeah full ball you don't need a cannonball Tommy yeah if not like I'm a cannonball I'm just getting a stretch If not for the Like the mandatory drying period I would have to stand up And it would just be a tent Oh my god dude Just a fucking tent Out front of my

My cape Yeah you're like Hey Just fuck it Vidal Sassoon And it's a poker I'm just kidding I'm carrying like an Amish dress

All the way back to the chair Protein Uh huh Thank you for the watch Hello Ronaldo Thank you I'll be over in the chair This Protein. Uh-huh. Thank you for the wash. Hello, Ronaldo. Thank you. I'll be over in the chair. This is high to kid boner because I got scratched.

Yeah, but long hair getting your hair washed. Oh, I love going in because it's like, oh, this is going to take so long. Yeah. There's so much. Oh, there's so much. See, my favorite thing. They pull it and they snip it. I would always, I was always waiting for the cut.

One time I cut, I like grew my hair out for like four months. Yeah. Because I didn't realize I was getting waiting for the cut. One time, I grew my hair out for like four months because I didn't realize I was getting bad haircuts. They don't tell guys when you get bad haircuts. You just get a haircut and someone goes, oh, you got a haircut. And then your hair grows back. And everyone's like, oh, nice. I didn't realize that you could get a good haircut

where you get your head shaped. Yeah, yeah. Everything looks right. Yeah, look at Kelsey. So like, yeah. He's like, looks right yeah look at kelsey so like yeah he's like oh shit so season two of billions this woman that was doing hair congrats by the way thank you uh we don't talk about good shit here tell us about your constipation yeah so this is like i had to force it out as rock poops tragic uh but my friend sarah who did hair and makeup she was like who cuts your fucking hair and i was like oh my other friend she's like she does a terrible job yeah can i cut your hair yeah

and i cut my hair and she like shaped it it was the first time i got a haircut where people were like you look great yeah and you're like oh well then in between seasons because i was just getting my haircut while we were filming which is six months out of the year for another six months so i just grew my hair out and it got like long long and she lives upstate and she's like you can drive up here and i'll cut your hair and i was like i had a car i was like yeah fuck it i'll do it yes went up there there's nothing better than having too long of hair to a perfect haircut and then having it cut short i didn't realize when you have super long hair and your hair gets cut short your hair doesn't know how to handle it because it's used to holding on to all that weight. So your hair is like, so it looks like it's smaller.

And then the next three days it looks like it grows. Shut the fuck up. Like a plant needing water? She was like, your hair is going to look super short right now. She's like, tomorrow and the next day it's going to look fine. She's like, your hair is just used to holding on to all that. Now this is better than boats. Dude, I appreciate those types of comments.

Also, getting your hair cut upstate. Were you on a farm? Yeah, it was just like in a weird house. It was just in this weird room. That's the best. Cut it, and then the amount of hair when I stood up from the chair, I was like, holy shit.

Dude, I think- But then you get a shower, and you're like- I think one of the sexiest moments in cinema history is when John Travolta gets his haircut in Phenomenon. You know that movie's about a brain tumor, right? Okay.

But you want that, don't you? But dude. You want like a. He's just like, they're on a farm. He's looking out. It's just like rolling golden wheat fields. Is that what you want? You want that.

Yeah, yeah. For your life. It's just a hot babe who loves him. Isn't it Andy McDowell? Yeah, it's someone like that. Yeah. Yeah.'t it Andy McDowell Yeah it's someone like that Yeah Yeah it's Andy McDowell Just cutting his hair

Dude you're a fucking Wild boy It's fucking incredible Dude I love You need a big boat And a woman to cut your hair While you're looking at it That's it

Right now I'm the woman Cutting his hair You cut his hair Yeah If I could If a woman could cut my hair Centrally in heavy seas Damn dude

This Actually your wedding. Everything's rocking. Your wedding's the only one I truly want to go to. I know it'll be on a giant fucking boat. The invitation's going to be a big boat. You got to sign a waiver just in case the hailstorm hits. Dude, that's so awesome.

You got to tanker. We're going to be in international waters. Everyone's throwing up all over the buffet. Chris, I can't do this again. do this he goes guys it's time for our haircut everyone's like i don't want my haircut i don't want my fucking haircut everyone gets dramamine in their gift bag oh cool dude my dog my dog hates cars she fucking hates cars and we we've been driving her around a lot because uh katie's had to go to connecticut for work so we've been driving around so yeah we read you can give dogs dramamine okay right

so we're like awesome so we gave our dog dramamine nothing she was scared the whole time still yeah but she was like this she's like fuck fuck so then we're driving back from Boston from Katie's parents house we're like well give her two drowmings so we give her two drowmings

and she's like the whole time just like it's just mushrooms for a dog right like Katie will put her hand out like Myrtle you alright

and Myrtle's like then she'll move her hand she'll be like dude it's so funny she will not go down she will not we can't give her any more because we be like. Dude, it's so funny. She will not go down. She will not. We can't give her any more because we're not going to kill her. But then she gets home and she's like.

She's just out. She gets home when she's finally home. She's like, we're on land. We're stopped moving. We'll be up in three days. Dude, just this big fat sack of meat sleeping. Cars have to be an absolute nightmare for dogs. I can't believe any dog.

Unless they get into it because i think my dog growing up we put him in the car all the time so he fucking loved it yeah you'd say go bye-bye and he'd be like you'd like make that dog noise you know they're like and then now we're like myrtle and she's like she's like no no we waited almost like seven months before we took her in a car eight months and she was like

yo yo the shit's moving she threw up you're walking around the street you walk by a car that looks like yours she's like far away from it

we put her in a kennel we like had her kennel and we were driving out to Long Island and we were like this is fine kennel's in the back seat we had the seats down you know kennel was right there you hey put your

finger through whatever we're driving and we're in the city we're on 33rd street and like park and we're like going east we're like 30 seconds and katie goes uh-oh and i go what she goes look at my dog's like there like, there we go. Myrtle? And she goes, blah! And she fucking flew out just everywhere. We're like, oh, god damn it, dude. Because I'm only used to dogs that are like, there's fucking rules!

And she's like, I don't know. Roll down the window. Roll down the window. You had to get out and fucking take the mat out. And we had to hold. Oh, it was fucking brutal. All right, let's go to the page voice today. OK.

What are you guys doing? We're going to switch over to the page. He's got to pee fucking brutal. Let's go to the page. What are you guys doing? We're going to switch over to the page. He's got to pee. I was like, what happened? We were talking about boats. Guys, we were talking about boats. Big boats.