Stuff Island - Stuff Island #16 - Dick Data w/ Sean Patton

Episode Date: February 24, 2022

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Where'd you finish one off already? Yeah, anxiety. That's not the addiction. Oh my god, that was like five minutes, dude. No, it wasn't. It was like 30. No, it wasn't. I cracked it before. It was 4.30 when I walked in here. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I looked at the watch and I was like, oh shit.

No way. Max. It's possible. Wait, it's possible. It's possible. It's possible. Because it's 5.30 now. You did crack it around 5. No, I didn't. I cracked it at 4.45. The time changed a little bit.

I don't think so. I'm not certain how much. I don't think so. I think you cracked it about 10 minutes. That's the biggest problem is the speed with which I can consume booze. Yeah, especially if you're a little bit stressed out. You start like nervously. It's like hitting the vape, dude. Start nervously hitting the vape. Yeah, I'm you're a little bit stressed out. You start like... Any stressor... It's like hitting the vape, dude.

Start nervously hitting the vape. Yeah, I'm a fucking master at speedy booze. Yeah. You're also a master at complimenting women's tits and... Dude! Johnny! Yes! I'm the fucked up buddy!

Are we rolling? Dude, true. Yes. Johnny. Yes. I'm the fuck down. True. We roll that? Yeah. Dude, true. What the fuck? I think I mentioned something. What'd I do to you? Yeah, because the last-

I'm impressed. No, it was crazy. The last time- I preached the word of Tommy Pope. Pope Tommy Pope. Pope PTP, baby. Yeah, that was the last time we chilled. I'm pretty sure you walked up to a very lovely young woman.

She walked up to him. After she walked up, yeah. And I think you just went, I just got to say it. Love you tits. And I think she was like, oh, stop it. You know, and she did that like, stop. Yes. Went on full display.

And from what I gather, you're dating now. No, no, no. No, no, no. You son of a bitch. It was a nice evening. I had enough. I was tired. I think my fucking head was down at one point.

You were literally sleeping on the bar and she came up to you and she was like, get up. And then like walked outside. I think she came over and was like, what do you think of my tits? I think she was fishing. was like what do you think of my tits I think she was fishing no her friend yeah put her fingers in the back of my pants

trying to get me up oh really yeah the redhead or whatever okay she oh there was there's like a back story here yeah

yeah because Chris busted my balls about it so she well it was like four o'clock in the morning we were drinking we were like

yeah yeah she well she she gave me a little poke to like stir me because she thought there was no there was no one she gave you a little gumbo tap yes yeah yeah right down the slicer taste in the room yeah yeah checking how does she know where your button was the sauce i mean he's got the tattoo push here to turn on oh i did and that turned me on but i also i looked to the left and i was like this maniac and there And there was only like three or four people around us.

And they were playing pool or something. Yeah. And then she's like, do you have a light? Oh, yeah. I was like, no. This is when we were still smoking. And then her friend, who I enjoyed visually, said, what's going on? And I was like, well, are you guys going out for a cigarette?

And she said, yes. And I was like, I got a light. So then we went outside and that's when. I got a light for certain people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Sometimes I got a light and sometimes I don't. Yeah, you told the ugly friend he didn't have a light. It's always interesting when women do the thing

that would get a dude disbarred. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm just using law. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's true. It's true. You know what I mean? Like, it's always. Disbarred from comedy. Like, just using law yeah yeah no it's true it's true you know what I mean like it's always disbarred from comedy like that one yes

the soup check imagine if you did that to a girl who's just sitting there minding her business sleeping on a bar yeah yeah yeah and then you just

walk up and go you up yeah imagine how I was asleep at a bar and he put his fingers in my ass I had I did see at a party,

a dude do that to a woman who I think he thought was too drunk and she fucking clocked him and it was hilarious. Yes. Oh, wow. Was this like a house party or like a-

It was a house party. It was a house party in Queens. So recently? Not in like 2000, in like 10. But he's an adult. But it was like, yeah,

it was a moment of like, ooh, that was, that was, you're done. You're done for the night. Yeah, yeah. Like that guy had to like, go home, go to sleep, yeah, it was a moment of like, ooh, that was, that was, you're done. You're done for the night. Yeah, yeah. Like that guy had to like, go home, go to sleep, reset, start over tomorrow.

You gotta move. You gotta fucking leave town. No one here is hanging out with you after you took one fucking job. Grow a mustache, get an accent. You can't just be dipping in some chick's doodle. Also, how cool does a chick look if it's just like, just immediate wake up? Like, yeah, just one move. And I got straight up like and like it was one of those moments where like it was almost like everyone heard the sound of the flesh.

Like a finger against the jeans. I was like, whoa, is that what I think it is? Because it was just like a moment where everyone just happened to be looking in that direction. And everyone just saw the like. Did you know the dude? I didn't know either one of them. So you wouldn't have intervened? No.

Oh you mean like hey don't put your Don't be putting your fingers in strangers. I guess I would only yes I would I would be You're a wild man though. Let me get this off my chest. Every time I see your face I think about number one you're a partier. You're me get this off my chest. Every time I see your face, I think about, number one, you're a partier. You're a dynamite partier.

I do partake. Elite. He is an elite partier. I do partake. As you've witnessed. Yeah. You also had this show I was obsessed with, the bar show with... Larson, Jay Larson.

Larson, Jay Larson. Yeah. And I was like, fuck, this is my zone. This is exactly what I could be great at. And then I realized what the schedule. I talked to somebody who knew your schedule or spoken to you. And the amount of stress coupled with the lack of sleep and the amount of booze. It's a fucking nightmare run, apparently.

I want to hear what you think. Everyone thinks drinking is great if it's not your job right yeah that's right that's the thing like everyone when i quit the show so many people were like what are you doing what the fuck is wrong with you i'm like you try it's not a dream job being fucking hammered all the time yeah like where you have to be because like you can't fake that kind of shit and even there were even episodes where we would like for a whole day, we'd take a sip of the real drink and then they'd swap out

a dummy drink for it. But you're still taking 15 to 20 sips of some potent ass. Right. It's like going to a wine tasting. You're still gonna get fucked up. And like,

exactly. Or like, you'd be at a bar, every bar would be two, two and a half hours shooting at a bar. And you'd have a couple drinks

and then you'd have a gap between where they where you're driving to the next spot then they have to go in then they have to set up camera then they have to because you know nothing says reality like all the shit they've got to yeah of course behind the scenes of reality tv and so you'd have these we'd have days where it was like all right we can either be buzzed and then come down from the buzz and then just be groggy and weird and try and pump ourselves up with coffee, but that didn't really help. Or keep drinking.

It's the only way. Maintain this level of like, all right, I'm engaged at least. But then seven hours later when you're at the third bar, you're like, okay, that keep drinking thing maybe wasn't the best call. True, but it's like there is no other way. If you have like afternoon drinks and then stop drinking, it has to be a nap. That gap has to be a nap.

And even then, waking up from a nap? Yeah. We did that a couple times. Coming out of a coma. Yeah. We didn't have a trailer, but we had our own SUV. It is. And someone driving us because we could nap.

There was one episode. I don't want to get the fucking dude in trouble but whatever statute of limitations there was one episode where the producer scrambled for time let us drive away in this like it was like a maybe a 67 mustang or something just to get like we just left the parking lot went back on the road and then got and then just so we can get the shot of us driving away and the the main producer i swear to like it was a moment where like oh he might hit him they might be a fight right now because he's like you let them drive away after we have them on camera drinking for two hours yeah you let them get behind the wheel of the fucking car yeah are you fucking kidding me yeah and he's like no no we're just it's like

are you fucking do you understand insurance wise we could be fucking it was beautiful because jay and i didn't give it we were like we're both kind of buzzing yeah and we're not driving far it's the shit you want to see we're leaving the parking lot going to another parking lot yeah but like it was hilarious watching them fuck up yeah but like i think they were good people but the show was just like... It's a show that... There's been other shows that have tried it. I think Mo Mandel had a show called Barmageddon

that was a similar concept. And there will be another version of Best Bars. Of course. But it's not a sustainable idea. It's not. I think it's because the disconnect between true pro-drunks, guys that can do it on a consistent basis and elevate their personality, constantly do it on a daily basis.

The disconnect between the producers and people that don't live that life, they just assume just because you could do it for a few days, five days, they're like, let's just keep feeding this fucking monkey booze and he'll get content. He'll get comedy out of this. Dude. Would you have to shoot every day for like weeks in a row? We were on a six day schedule. So it was like we would get to a city, be in the city for six days.

We shot it roughly on average three bars a day. So that was a, you know, shooting schedule was a good 15 hours a day. Oh my God. three bars a day so that was a you know shooting schedule was a good 15 hours a day um oh my god a lot you know and sometimes it was fun but sometimes it was like by the end of the week you were just like i can't there was a bar in boston where the night before we ended up playing uh some fucking drinking game i can't remember but with the staff they had all this on camera too and the game basically involved like oh you fucked up drink gin it was gin right so we're like pounding gin with the staff and the

next morning I had that it's that kind of hangover where you're like not only will I quit drinking I'll quit living if this pain ends I would drink Sinai right now just to make the fucking seep into the blackness.

I've had a hangover on a plane where I thought through the simulation of the plane going down and I wouldn't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have that death hangover.

If somebody comes in here with a gun, I'm not stopping anything. I'm not jumping in front of a baby and a woman. I'm just taking the fucking pain like the dude in Platoon. Yes.

Just shaking all the way down until the plane hits the ocean. The kind of hangover you wish you could weaponize. Yeah Like if there was a modern version of the X-men There was a guy who could make people just hung over Just like fuck Oh my head, I can't keep anything down But it was that kind of hangover Just erases your personality You can't connect sentences you can't even call

for help because what was the number again but like the next day we had to go shoot at a brunch bar so we had to go like eat at this bar that served like hangover brunch that was like their thing and i took a few bites of the plate and i was like i'm going bar i have to like i walked off camera i was like i'm gonna go throw up i'm up. I did. And I went and fucking threw up and then I came back and sat down, drank some water and then finished the food

and it helped. And they cut that whole segment and I'm like, why? Yeah, that's the most interesting part. Well, but you know, because you were, I'm like,

but I was, that's real. Yes. I was really hung over. Yes. And I really, yes, I did have to barf after two bites.

Yeah. But then I was like, okay, it's out of me the demon has been exercised right is that like out of respect to the restaurant because you're eating their food

it's out of respect for the fact that most and I don't I don't want to generalize here but specifically I what I have dealt with when it comes to

unscripted television producers is they are terrified of showing actual reality yeah they only want you to see the manipulated bullshit yeah that's perfect and pretty and shiny and everyone can be like oh my god look how amazing look how fun and fantastic flipping a house can be yeah look how amazing it is to revamp your kitchen tile yeah isn't that amazing how fun this is? Oh my God. Can you believe the things you find at a pawn shop

and how adventurous it is every single time you go? They only want you to see that part. But then you're like, no, this is the, like I wish to Christ, Jay and I, if I could go back, if there was like, I wish that we could do a version of Best Bars where we had full creative control

and shot it like a docu-series where we didn't do all these bullshit setups we didn't have to like do this narration of us like

walking into a bar walking out of a bar it's just straight up you watched it and it was like an actual night of drinking where shit starts moving faster and choppier

and weirder and next thing you know you're talking to someone like oh wait I thought we were at that ping pong bar. No, that was two bars ago. This is my issue.

Actually waking you up. Yeah. Like, and being like, you got to shoot the brunch thing. And you're being like, dude, I can't,

I'm going to, yeah, I pissed my pants. This girl showed me her tits. Can you get me in Harlem? Waking me up in the back of the bar. Like, dude,

we got to go. I'm like, I pissed myself and I'm still wearing a microphone. We know. Yeah. Cause we heard the whole thing. Of course I did. in the back of the bar like dude we gotta go I'm like I pissed myself and I'm still wearing a microphone we know yeah yeah cause we heard the whole thing cause we heard

of course I did I killed them all but anyway yeah but that's also the disconnect between the producers and I think they're like it's not just

their inability to understand real life or capture real life it's their inability to live that life the guy from the producers I've ever experienced

like they're plastic stale Lack the personality which is why they hire people like him It's gonna make this thing dance because without you we're following this construction and this foundation of cookie cutter bullshit Yeah, we're gonna sell it's like true TV buying a fucking an idea off a creator and then making it so plastic It won't go another season. It's like, dude, you can keep doing this to your point, but it'll never be real

because you're not showing the real fucking thing. You want to see animals be animals in their fucking environment. Let the monkey throw shit on the wall. Yeah, I guess it is tough

because they were trying to just sell bars, right? No, the whole concept was it was Esquire magazine's best bar list. Right. And we were going to visit every bar on the list in all the cities. So it's about promoting the bars, really.

Or like promoting the, because it was the Esquire magazine. It was Esquire channel. It was about promoting like a style. So like they dressed us. They had us in a very like, I had to like, I had to have a discussion to keep my beard. They dressed us. No, I know, but there is just a thing where it's like they do need it to look like it's their best, voted best bars. If you guys are so fucked up, you don't give a fuck where you're drinking, which is what happens after bar one.

Here's the thing. The dude who wrote that list is a guy named Dave Wondrich. Is he sober no and he's awesome he's like a b he's like a bar journalist he's oh i think wondrous dave wondrich he's like a bar critic journalist he wrote the list so i'm gonna say 80 of the bars were fucking awesome shithole dive just what you wanted yeah just like oh yeah i could fuck man yeah you leave a camera on stilts we'll get you all the we'll get you three episodes just in here yeah he but then 20 of them were like shiny happy fucking pop song version of bars yeah yeah you know i mean like

there were so many places like the place we were talking about the opening of this episode uh patty mcguire There were a lot of joints like that where you walk in and it's just like, oh yeah, this is less about the bar and the drinks and more about the clientele and the vibe. But then there were a couple places where you could tell. But they wanted, they just wanted to show like, hey, it's Esquire,

the man's magazine, these boys out on a night. Also, it's not. But it was also like... It's like the opposite of the man's magazine it's like the it's also just like don't they didn't have a clear vision of what they actually wanted i don't think because they there would be episodes where everything was going well and then three and then halfway through the season he'd be like hey we need you guys to be more like play something like that the producers would be like so we're gonna play some games we're like

what the do you mean games yeah yeah yeah and they're like well the network's saying they's saying they don't want to see just more of you guys sitting at a bar talking. I'm like, that's what you do at a bar. That is what. You don't actually. You don't actually play fucking tic-tac-toe at a bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You play bar trivia?

Cool. We'll do some bar trivia. But like, come on. Imagine walking into like a VFW or like a sailor's fucking bar. Yeah. You want to play some games? Yeah. They'd'd be like get the fuck out of my face yeah like i'll flip your stool yeah if it was a game bar that would exist there'd be game bar right right but that's the thing man i mean like i complain about this shit all the time uh to a point where it's probably why i'm not famous but like there is a thing that happens where and there's some good people on the

industry side i don't want to shit on them all but there is this thing that happens where, and there's some good people on the industry side. I don't want to shit on them all, but there is this thing that happens where they end up hiring. In my opinion, they hire so many people to safeguard the product that they're not even sure they know what they want it to be yet that they end up turning the product into garbage. Yes. And it's a bunch of people whose their job is justifying their job. Yeah.

Yeah. So their job is to have notes even when notes aren't necessary yeah so you might have something in a beautiful place but then it's got to go through five different opinions from six different people that don't actually help at all what they end up doing is slowing everything down making you lose some faith in it and then they and then you don't get to be you don't get to be human about it at all. And they don't get held accountable at all. This whole time you've had John McKeever's face

on your shoulders. This is what we went through with Delco. Oh, yeah, man. Everybody has to put their own fingerprint on it. Yeah, yeah. It's like in a normal work environment, like a lot of listeners have like a nine-to-five job. It's like when you have a conference call

and fucking Becky from accounts, accounts accounting or whatever yeah yeah she'll say something one of the departments yeah one of the departments uh she'll say something so grandiose but doesn't mean anything because she just wants to put her thumbprint on something yeah and make it feel like she's part of the program and if they can adjust or alter the course of that said program she goes i did it yeah but you're filtering nonsense and and and i did it as in look at me i deserve a pay i deserve this yes this six-figure salary i'm getting while these creators are breaking their fucking souls in half yes like it's almost like and that's the part that always bothers me the most is that you come with this idea you're fucking that you have spent so much time so much passion so much blood like you've poured people always go blood sweat and tears i say everything the human body secretes you know

you put your cum your shit yes your vomit your bile your everything like you put your whole existence your boss thank you are there any more liquid tears i'm just trying you sweat you put your whole existence your boss thank you are there any more liquid tears i'm just trying you sweat you put the disgusting beauty that is the human condition in this fucking idea and you're like i and they're like oh my god this is amazing and they want to do it they bring you in but then there's one person that goes i don't know though it seems like it should be rounder yeah and you're like well what's wrong with it? But there isn't a shape to it. It's the shape of the human experiences,

which is ever-changing, and it evolves. That's the whole idea. It evolves. Like, yeah, but could it evolve in a rounder way? And then you start questioning, like, fuck, wait. What does rounder mean? What does rounder mean? Am I wrong here?

Yes. Am I too square? Am I too oblong? All right. And then you force it to be rounder, and you're like, I don't know, though. This kind of fucks it all up. And then they're like, well, that was just a suggestion. And then you're like, well, then why did you say it?

You fucked my whole process up. It was perfect from the get-go. And they're like, well, you're the creator. You should have confidence. I'm like, I do have confidence. But I brought it to you. And now you threw in your unnecessary two cents. And it fucked everything up. And you don't get to be held accountable.

Yes. I can't take this personally. That's it. That's what you tell me every time. Don't take it personally. Okay. Then don't fucking get. That's it.

Then don't be involved. It's almost a problem of too much confidence because someone will be like, make it rounder. And you're like, I'm good enough to make it rounder. Even though I don't know what that means really, but I'll do it. I'm good enough. And it's also like, yeah, of course you stand your ground. But that's the point that people don't understand

is like in those situations, you have to work with them a little bit and then fucking put your foot down. Bingo. If you put your foot down right from the get-go, they're just going to be like, nevermind. You can't work with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't work with them. And that's the other thing. You can't work with them. It's like, thing you can't work with them it's like oh why because i believe in myself and i'm and i'm being confident in my idea how about i can't work with you industry person who's like hey they can look at it and go i don't understand it but of course that's not my job to understand it my job is just go hmm seems like it could be a little more i don't know like iridescent what does that mean well you know what i mean it changes color i'm what we got notes on tim butterly's character is in delco

they were like this is after we've done the web series the pilot written the pilot shot the pilot for 30 and then they were like we don't think he would say bitch. I was like, have you watched any of this character's fucking behaviors? Where he's from? The salt of this fucking weird earth? Of course he would say bitch. That bothers you? All of a sudden, that bothers you now. It's like, who doesn't say bitch?

Yeah, right. Also, it doesn't fucking matter. It's universally applicable. Yeah. It's crazy how they want to implant themselves. I'll go back to the accountability thing. And this is in every industry, not just ours. The accountability thing, knowing that if they just implant themselves at one point

and they'll take a dog shit series that no one watched for one year and press it to a second year just to save all their fucking heads. And they will. They'll spend the extra $10 million to put out a piece of garbage for one more season so that all of them can say, yeah, well they just weren't right for us yeah it's like no no no you made a fucking mistake from the jump and you made a good product shitty with all your fucking notes and all your dog shit dude it was i've been watching the kanye doc and that's have you seen any of that oh the genius yeah yeah yeah why is it called genius i think that was the name of his dog genius yeah

yeah but like uh it is crazy because he's making his album and rockefeller won't put it out look they keep like pushing the release date and it's like dude he's literally got through the wire jesus walks and one of the other songs like already done and he like plays it for people no and they like which is like they're hits they're like bona fide yeah hits even like pharrell listens to it and he's like this is the fucking he has to like walk out of the room it's so good yeah and he's still what they won't make it and it's just like i get anxiety watching it where it's just like, even if you've got like a dead to rights, perfect product.

Doesn't matter. Why wouldn't they? Who's not? Yeah. What the fuck is happening? Like it's hard enough to be creative at all. Like it's hard enough to just make something good. Let alone like someone just not putting it out.

I feel like it's easy to, it's not easy. It takes a long time and talent to make something good. The hard part is convincing someone to say, if you hit green on this fucking subject or project, we can do this for a decade. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you say yes to this one small series,

we'll take five seasons of that, we'll move over to film, we'll do a fucking series, we'll take five seasons of that, we'll move over to film, we'll do a fucking movie, we'll do another show. You are with a conglomerate of creative people that are talented to make something else for you, which doesn't make sense when you're like a failing fucking network going,

wow, we're gonna push and then go this side because you're not a part of our, it's like, dude, you had a shot. Yeah. To fucking make something for like a whole generation well and that's and that's great like that's the thing too it's like with the advent of youtube and podcasting being what it is now like there's all there's this whole general consensus of like yeah but you don't need them anymore but my whole thing is yeah but

they're gonna creep into this too they're creeping into this too it's already happened with podcasting there are podcast networks out there that want you to do a pilot yeah fucking podcast pilot what podcasting an idea that was launched out of the the out of hey there's like podcasting the whole idea behind podcasting is there's no structure to it the whole thing that made podcasting so popular was it was just raw content it was just raw conversations between people with ideas right and now there are networks being like well we want you to do a pilot like a podcast pilot so you and your friends have to talk for 30 minutes and we'll listen to it and see if you can get on it and see if we could find it and it's

like okay it starts there and now YouTube which is monetized now right yeah I mean you know that that's like a thing and it's great for people who are big on YouTube I fucking suck at being good at YouTube but we all have a lot of friends who make money off of getting a shitload

of that's great but all that means is that these exec types are going to start creeping into that world as well. Well, the only way they'll be able to do that... The only way they'll be able to do that is literally like market manipulation, which I think is sort of happening. They're all pretty damn good at it already. Yeah, yeah. Where it's like they're totally inflating numbers. Like there's some podcasts that are absolutely unlistenable that will have like 13 000

five-star reviews and it's like there's no way and then you like look at that person it's like are they selling tickets on the road or like you look at a YouTube video of theirs, there's an interview with them and there'll be 10,000 views on it. And it's like, you're telling me that 13,000 and some of the biggest podcasts, like I think, I think fucking like Tom Segura is like the, your mom's house podcast has like 10,000 positive reviews. It's like,

and if he's on any interview on YouTube, it's like, it's going to get hundreds of thousands of views. There'll be some, I know there's someone with 13,000 five-star reviews and then you look at any of their YouTube content and it's like 3,000 views, 5,000 views. He's like, that's not possible. It's not possible that you could have a podcast that big

and still no one gives a fuck anytime you do something else. Industry agents, the executives in our business, 95% of them are fucking worthless. In football or baseball, the scouts, the guys that go to like fucking Iowa. Yeah. And there's a bird dog in the stands. Some old dude that is looking for a perfect swing. Well, find some fucking kid, 13 years old and be like, this is our boy. We got to get him in our this is our boy we got to

get him in our system right we got to farm him and get him to the bigs got a million truly fine yeah they truly find the fucking talent and go this this guy has it in our industry for some reason it's like even if you have it even if you give them give them proof proof of fucking talent and then you can give them content for a decade on look at all the fucking hits yeah look at all the fucking hits how are you not saying yes at one point to this and it's not immediate monetary monetary gratification for them well i think yeah they're just so risk averse you know what i mean yeah and both both in a standpoint where they're like like those people

who always want to have like you know they've got to give a note so they keep their job they're also terrified of doing something that won't work you know what i mean if it a note so they keep their job they're also terrified of doing something that won't work you know what i mean if it isn't like if they're right and they're good and they're good at market manipulation yes yeah yeah yeah they're good at that shit yeah good at like and and they're weasels and they're and like and and they make you a weasel they turn you into like they make you know because then because. They turn you into like, because then they make it like, this is the only way to,

this is the only achievable or, what is it? This is the only way to compare your success is to be like us. We're all millionaires. Are you not a billionaire? That's the only way to be successful. And then people start focusing more on the marketability and the product placement and all the bullshit.

The next thing you know, your whole YouTube channel has just turned into an advertising strain for them yeah because for whatever you're making they're making five to ten times as much yeah and you just did it again only you think you did it under your terms you think you did it under nah that i did this but it's like nah man like you are now owned there are people we know who are like, oh, I notice a lot more of a certain, you know, a certain brand appearing in everything you do. Interesting.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just saying interesting, that's all I'm saying. Right. But, like, it's, I don't know, man. It's a fucked system, but I don't think it's, I mean, look, it's a fucked system, but I don't think it's... I mean, look, it's a broken system, but I don't think it's fucked.

Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. Well, I do think it keeps getting better. I don't know. I feel like most of the people that join a podcast network, like an actual big network, are like the same people

that get kind of like hired for writing jobs and shit like that that have been doing stand-up for six months, you know, that kind of like they're hired for writing jobs and shit like that that are have been doing stand-up for six months you know yeah that kind of thing or six months or just like hang like because there is that type of person who like has all like what's the way to say it like they were never and this is fine there's a type of person that like gets into stand-up we're just all trying to avoid names we're're going to do the point of the podcast. It's fine. It's totally fine.

I'm just saying. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I've just learned over the years that I have a very specific, intense view of what a stand-up comedian is. And I've learned over the years some of the shit I've said has hurt people. Yeah, yeah.

Because I've been an asshole about certain things. But there is a type of comedian that gets into it shit I've said has like hurt people because I've been an asshole about certain things but there but this there is a type of comedian that gets into it and doesn't actually want to be an individual comedian yeah you want to just say and do funny things and they end up writing for TV shows and that's when it great great for them great for them

you found your place I think that's strange personally I think it's personally a strange thing to be like I just want to I just want to, I just want to, uh, help you do all of your. Yes. Yeah.

Fine. Fine. But that's just, I just, that's just not how I look at it. Yeah. I look at it as like, I want to create things that are me,

but to your point earlier, that's also why it affects you so much when there is a, a note or comment that derails or deters your success in your own product. Oh God. And it makes you start to doubt yourself. Even if you do have a proven success in your past. Yeah. All it takes is one comment from someone that's never created anything in

their life. We're talking about a 23 year old rich kid from fucking Connecticut making $30,000 somehow living in Manhattan, not on their parents dollar and having a gatekeepers position to people that have been in the fucking trenches doing a shit for 12 years. Suck my bird. Suck my bird.

That's not a reality. And he's not talking about his cardinal. He's not talking about a blue jay either. It should just be rubber stamping. Again, no matter what the industry, there's some fucking dickhead out there that's whole purpose is to keep you down or say one thing to make you doubt yourself,

and it works until you get your next fucking thing. Yeah. Until you get your next good joke or your next big headlining set or your next fucking tour or your next podcast or show pilot. Whatever the fuck it is for a time being. If you do this long enough, you're going to be in the pits of hell of self-doubt all the way to a fucking doing a line of coke up a hooker's asshole. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's the heaven. The button.

That's what those women were looking at in the bar. Yeah, the button. What else has this guy got coke in his mouth? This guy looks like he's a,

he looks like a donkey. He does look like a donkey. Or a mule. Yeah. Maybe she was just trying to scoop it out to get it in my nose because I was sleeping.

Suck my purple-headed spitter bird. My purple-headed spitter filly. Yo, firstheaded spitter Philly spitter. Yo, first off, I'd like to apologize. Bird calls just a fart. All this industry talk.

It was all based on me watching that show and watching you have a fucking... You couldn't tell. You couldn't tell the pain and shit that you were going through. I thought it was extremely interesting. And you and Jay were a great balance.

Can I ask you a question? Yeah. When you puked at brunch, did you pull the trigger? Mm-hmm. God, I can never pull the trigger. I've always had to pull the trigger. Oh, yeah. You guys pull the trigger every fucking time you brush your teeth.

You start hacking. But I don't, I hack, I don't puke. Well, it sounds like you're puking and you don't shut the door. Yeah, yeah, but I've never been able to, like, puke. I never puke. I've only. I, like, never puke. I've never puked once i said he threw up years ago really yeah i probably shit myself more than you threw up yeah really yeah and also

pulling a trigger it's a professional move i puked out i puked before i did the pot before i came in just to clean it out i'm so jealous because i would just sit there and not be able to eat you know what you throw up throwing up is if i think is a fear as a child and when you do it a few times you're like it's like diarrhea we were just having this conversation yeah i had a a big meal on a barbecue joint this afternoon and i like it like stuck right here in my uh underneath my larynx larynx right here yeah yeah yeah. And it wouldn't go nowhere. And I started getting like dizzy and shit. And then I finally had the toots. I got down.

I was like, it's straight piss rod for like 30 minutes. And I'm like, I feel great. Diarrhea becomes something you look forward to. It's probably not become something you look forward to when you get through the younger years. Well, if I'm sick and I feel like I'm going to puke, I don't fear the puke at all it's just i i don't know the pulling the trigger thing i just never tried it i got no idea how to do it oh it's you don't it's instinctual yes will you do it like right now get a bucket you seriously like i've done it so many times in my life that I actually, you put your finger down your throat, you touch your uvula.

Yeah, a little boxing ball. You just fucking... You just figure it. It sometimes takes me a while. Yeah. Really? Two or three. But it's also bringing it up.

You get the first round. It's coming up. It's like an elevator. More saliva all of a sudden. Yes. Then there's a sharp, acidic taste in your mouth, like almost there. And then, oh, here it comes.

And I'm a funny puker. I don't think anybody's a cool puker. I'm just like a... I haven't figured out how to bring it to stage yet. Oh, dude, if there was a theme show, it's like, Your favorite comedians You come up and barf I mean why

Why not It seems like every show now Is like Hey comedians Come do everything Except stand up Imagine being a smooth Poop puker

I've had a buddy go He shit himself And then just like He like rolled it Out of his khakis No Like a little piece Of fucking rabbit nugget

No rabbit nugget It just rattled down His khakis And just fell out And I'm like That No. Like a little piece of fucking rabbit nugget? No, a rabbit nugget? It just rattled down his khakis and just fell out and I'm like, that was it? Like you're shitting like that dehydrated kind of pellet?

It just falls out and he's like, yeah, I just had to shake it out. You don't have streaks all down your pants? No, it was like a hardened fucking...

That would be something amazing to see just like on the subway. Yeah, well, he was telling me this guy's like, I've seen it before. I'm like,

no, you haven't. On the bus, just like, is subway. Yeah, well, he was telling me. This guy's Shawshank. He's like, I've seen him before. I'm like, no, you haven't. Like, on the bus, just like, is that guy? Shawshank. That's the rabbit? Call that the Shawshank. That's actually Shawshank on the 102. Just dropping chiseled chest pieces out of your cactus. That's unbelievable.

No, but the pull and the trigger. I've woken up off, like, supreme hangovers, and I know the feel. I know it's not the body feel. It's not the fogginess. It's the extreme headache that I know it's a level that won't go away until I wait out the puke, which I've tried to do many, many times. That's what I do. You can only have the experience to know.

Trust me, you're going to throw up whether you like it or not. Save the fucking time. Pull the trigger. You want to sit around for three hours and every dude i've lost days i've lost two days wait just in a hangover waiting for a puke oh bro we gotta train you yeah let's go do you guys do mid boot camp what about if you're out at night of drinking will you do it in the middle 100 that i have not now that I have not done in years, but like in my early 20s too. It was every other weekend. Really? Or I'd be like,

I'm too fucked up right now. But you don't want to go home. I'm going to pull the trigger. I'm going to barf up some of this booze. Yo, I pull, yo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. I pulled my suit out of,

I wore a suit like, I'm going to say like a month and a half ago. Wait, is this an euphemism for? No, no. For like. No, no, no, no, no, no. Pulled out my suit. of, I wore a suit like, I'm going to say like a month and a half ago. Wait, is this an euphemism for? No, no. For like. No, no, no, no, no, no. Pulled out my suit. No, it's worse.

My Philadelphia spinning bird. My Kelly Green suit. Yeah. It was an Eagles game. No, so I put my suit on. Yeah. And I pull my shoes out. And I haven't worn this outfit in like a month and a half, two months.

And there's just, there's puke all over the pants and the shoes and then it just just reverted me right back to being in that situation and you you then put those pants on a hanger and put them in the closet apparently i was fucked up chris it doesn't look it gets you sober in the moment i guess yeah and i threw it out yeah let's put trashed it i took the whole thing even the top ball didn't put it right in the trash really get it dry cleaned. No, it shocked me so much. I was very,

I was so close to the point where I was like, ah, fuck it. I'll get a part-time job cutting walls again in this suit before I send this to a cleaner. You don't want to see what they can do?

You pick that thing up. The cleaner's like, 17, huh? This is you? They're talking. They're talking. Yeah, but it's like, whoa, you got that out?

It gives you an idea of how good they are at cleaning based on what this puke was comprised of we thought you'd be nine ten years old what the fuck are you eating

why was there nothing but fruit loops and salami it was a Friday night wedding there was only macaroni chunks of hot dog just plain spaghetti yeah it's one of those

cheap weddings dude I eat like I mean I want to get back to the idea of a smooth puker of someone who barfs and they sound like they're... Or a quick one.

Is your roommate an R&B star? Do you live with KC of KC and JoJo? It's like, no, but that's how he sounds when he barfs. It's musical. I definitely get distraught when I throw up. get like fucking whiny really i remember the earliest i remember yeah i don't think i told this before but i threw up and i woke my mom up so i was like four or five with the puke or before you know no before i threw up because i was scared at this point. I was nervous. I went, my parents. Not you woke her up with the.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, Jesus. Is there a condor loose? Oh,

it's just Tommy. It's just Tommy. You having a boff? Wait, I'm trying. You didn't grow up. You having a boff in it? Wait,

hold on. Wait, I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try. Yeah, you fucking barfing, dude. I can't,

I can't. Yeah. What are you doing? Barfing all over your, hold on. Wait, I'm going to try. I'm going to try. Yeah, you barfing? Tommy fucking barfing, dude. I can't do a Philly accent. Yeah, what are you doing? Barfing all over your mom? So I wake her up. I'm like, I feel sick. And my mom's like, what? She's a night nurse.

She's sleeping. I feel sick. My tummy hurts. And then she walks me in the bathroom, sits on the tub, which is right next to the toilet, and she's going, throw up. Yeah. Throw up. Come on.

Stop being, fucking throw up. You're being a baby. So then I'm just like, I'm upset. My body's like, what is happening? My mom's yelling at me. It's like when Neo comes out of the Matrix. Yeah. And then I fucking uked everywhere.

Just breathe. And that's how I behave to kids now. Like, fucking throw up up I know you feel better The story is you being like She sits in the bathtub She's right next to the tub Or right Bathtub

Right next to the toilet It's like Thank you Because it would have been weird If it was like We had a specific The bathtub was in the toilet No I mean it was right

It was in the toilet Sean Our knees would If you sat on the toilet Your The tub starts It was one of these Sitting

Yeah Almost touching me It was one of these Pre-war New York apartments Where the bathtub Was in the kitchen Really how fucking dare you And the toilet was in the hallway

Yeah You ever been in one of those Apartments out here No Dude Chris Laker used to live In this apartment Where the bathtub

Was in the fucking kitchen Oh I did live in this place And the toilet I live with Luke Cunningham Yeah the toilet Was in the hallway kitchen. I did live in this place. And the toilet. I live with Luke Cunningham. Yeah, the toilet was in the hallway. All of the toilets were shared. Yeah, yeah, because they're not going to pay for the extra plumbing.

Yeah. The tub was in the bathroom next to the washer dryer, next to the kitchen sink. Wait, you lived with Luke Cunningham? Yeah, when I first moved here. Wait. Oh, Philadelphia's own Luke Cunningham. Yeah, East Village.

Dude. First and 11th. Right on first so that guy uh if viewers look him up luke cunningham yeah i think he actually writes for found he wrote for fallon for four years he was like the head writer there for a while yeah yeah now he just sold a book he's he's killing it he's doing great yeah he he had this because luke was a fucking uh like Like Luke played basketball Against Kobe Bryant

Yes His story That's at Bonner High school I was on that team Did you play against Kobe Bryant? No I was on his team

When he was a junior senior Okay I was freshman year And I didn't go to Varsity until sophomore year He had this story About He told it to me once. I was like,

you have to fucking tell this on stage. He never did. Yes, he did. What? Which one? The Kobe story? Yeah. Oh, no, that's not the different story. So Luke Cunningham, just for the listeners, is probably six foot seven. Yeah. And he's a meaty man. He's not he's not slim pickings.

Now he's meat. Now he's fucking lean muscle. I mean, he was high and he was he was must he was big. Yeah. Big's not slim pickings. Now he's fucking lean muscle. He's got a fucking more tie and shit. But he was muscle. He was big. He was a big dude. Like muscle big. Yeah, yeah.

But he had this story about when he worked in finance, he was at a place called Tortilla Flat. Yeah, Tortilla Flat, yeah. Down there in fucking where it's a douchebag joint. Yeah.

And he said he was down there and some like Australian businessman walked past his group and grabbed one of the girls he was with ass and she got of course like that sucks yeah so yeah so luke and a couple of other guys went over to the dude like hey you got to get the fuck out of here we saw what you did and the australian dude was probably apparently according to luke was like ah fuck off you poof and luke's exact words were and then i just started feeding him rights.

That's such a fucking hilarious way to say that. Just feeding him rights. He said he probably hit the dude like nine times and after each hit was just a new expression. Like the first one's like, what the fuck was that? The second one's like, okay, wait a second. This is actually happening. Third one's like, I want this to stop. Fourth one's like, what the fuck was that? You're hitting Clay. The second one's like, okay, wait a second. This is actually happening. Third one's like, I want this to stop.

Fourth one's like, this hurts. Ow. Fifth one's like, okay, I can't see anymore. Sixth one's like, I apologize, but I can't say it because my mouth's full of blood. Seventh one's like, I want to go home. I'm like, dude, you have to. Yeah, he's a fucking bruiser, man. Yeah, Luke is a fucking great dude.

He's a tough kid he's but he is not one of those guys i was talking about earlier that wants to just write and not have an opinion oh no no right he's a he's a rare exception of the rule where he's right he's got a brilliant mind to write but he's also i also just really quickly i don't think anybody who just wants to write for someone else is a chump right no no i just i think it's a different it's just a different yeah path yes it's weird to come from a place of stand-up and then to do that in a way, I think. Because there's something that is

the whole point of stand-up feels like to find some sense of individuality in it to express yourself personally. We were just talking about people asking to write for you. Or for you to write for them. It's crazy. i've never done

a writing job right yeah but i've never submitted for one i'm just like just no interest like all my life but i know a lot of people who do and that's great do it but someone was giving me shit about that or they were like why though why not why not why not just try and i'm like the i would write for a friend yeah friend got a tv show and like do you want to be a writer because you know me and and i like your perspective and i want it to help like yes i would write for a friend. Yeah. If a friend got a TV show and were like, do you want to be a writer? Because you know me and I like your perspective and I want it to help. Like, yes,

I would write for that. Obviously, you'd write for your own show, obviously. But like, some of these, I've read the packets. Yeah.

And some of it's like, I'm not going to torture myself. Yeah. Some people like the challenge, great, but some of that shit's like, Soul sucking. I also don't care about topical shit at all. Yes. I just don't care. Yeah. I people like the challenge. Great. But some of that shit's like. Soul sucking. I also don't care about topical shit at all.

Yes. I just don't care. Yeah. I'm just like, I don't. And that's. And also writing for like, I don't know how many times this happens to you guys. It happens to me an alarming amount where people I don't know will come up to me after sets and be like, hey, I got a tag for you.

Yes. Yeah. And I'll be like, i'll hear you out but just know i'm never gonna use it yeah yeah never even if the tag is perfect i'm gonna be like well now i gotta try and find a more perfect tag yeah i can't even run bits by people oh that's good for you i can't i can't i just like i can't do it i because i i have tried it a couple times with bits that wound up becoming good bits where just like I'll tell them the premise. And like most of the things I say, people will be like, I don't even know what you're talking about, dude.

I don't see how that works at all. I don't see what's funny about that. And it's just like it'll just kill my energy for it. You know what I'm saying? I think this is also a matter of how you're raised and your circle of influence coming up. Yeah. Because I think a lot of comics that I admire, like John,

but the more aggressive individual types, rather than there's a type of comic that I hate it because they treat it like an algorithm. They're very bright-minded, but they didn't bring in the social aspect to it as much as I'm accustomed to with my friends. So instead of coming up with your own creation because it's your personality, it's your mind,

they're more focused on, is this a funny premise? What's a funnier word? It's like, well, that's a whole different world. That's what writing is to me and for somebody else's show it's like i said the same thing to my first agent i was like packets not interested writing if it's my show or my my one of my best friends show absolutely yeah because you're speaking the same language yeah exactly whereas you got guys in the green room everyone's like they want to know

what's going on in the green room 90 of the time it sucks dick because you're hanging out with some guy from fucking no offense Portland or they're just so different minded than you and it's a nightmare because the whole time

they're going what do you think about this and meanwhile you're like dude shut up I'm trying to tell you how to throw up better

I got my own I got my own path like that's why there's a lot of I don't know like I don't there's a lot of... I don't know. There's a lot of podcasts out there that are all about how do you write a bit?

And they want to talk about that sort of thing. It's flattering when someone asks you to do a podcast, but I've always sort of been like, that's just not a thing I want. I don't want to pull back the curtain. I don't want to. I want you to see what's in front of the fucking curtain yeah if if if what i if the product is not enough i don't you then i'm not gonna let you in on the process yeah it also the process is for me exactly it's my process yes

personal thing and it ruins the process for you if you start trying to break it down in a mad kind of way it's like me asking steve how to fuck. I'm not interested in that. We're not the same fucking person. He's dead, right? Yeah, and he fucked himself to death. Yeah, he fucked himself. He built an eye pussy. And it turned on him.

It said, I am the eye pussy. He did. He did die. I will reverse birth you. He did. I killed him. He died too early to give us i pussy i vagina why is can you fucking ipad not yet yeah but it's coming a flashlight

yeah dude yeah it's great yeah i i tried it once and threw it out to be honest because i put it underneath my bed oh it just got infected yeah yeah never fuck this yeah yeah so it's not a live thing yeah no but it is it is once you jizz in it it gets life like after you get

through the shame even though it's not like lit on drugs or something it's like you rolled under your bed or something and you're like

this is now it's just a dust hole you rolled under your bed right right it's like a weird thing and then I gotta wash it out with soap and water and then do it again

also it's a lot of work. There was a comedy festival. I won't say which comedy festival, but the antonym of it would be the Sun Basement Comedy Festival. Yeah. Or the Sun Basement Drama Event. I'm lost. It happens in Texas. Anyway.

Yeah, yeah. Is it Skankfest or Moon Tower Yeah Antonym Yeah Oh Antonym Oh I didn't hear the Antonym

Yeah Anyway that's why I don't write Yeah They get But they used There was a couple of fucking years Where Or one year specifically

Where they Every gift bag Had a fleshlight in it Yeah And you just saw A bunch of fucking comedians We all like got our stuff Like ha That's crazy Whatever No i'm gonna go i'm gonna go up to the room real quick just drop my stuff off yeah yo i'm kind of tired man the flight here the uh you want to meet yeah

like two hours and you could tell everyone yeah just went to the room just be like i gotta give this to you well do it is a thing where it's like if you if you're you know if you're not on top of like keeping it clean it does feel like the next time you fuck it, you're going to be inventing new STDs. You know what I mean? It's like Wuhan or something. You would certainly have the Wuhan flashlights. You're not focused on keeping it clean.

I don't know what's happening here, but... You just leave it on the table. There's no way you can jizz in latex and leave it for three months and then not get something. And not have a bat, bro things are I've oh yeah that was the only time I ever tried one but I also yeah it's III did the same thing I fucking washed it out and then just I know I didn't just I just left it on the street in the box I just like

that's a good move just like left it there wait wait wait you wash it put it back in a box yeah yeah so that someone who comes across it

thinks it's brand new yeah or like a homeless you know if a hobo wants to fucking yeah I like that there you go that's what I thought you were talking about

I washed it out yeah hobo you know yeah use it second hand fuck it yes I'm surprised you don't

see more of those in like yes goodwill no homeless dude is getting infected. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They have a built-up... Yeah, immunity. Their immune system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude. We're trying to make you barf. They're not. We're verbally making...

Yeah, this is a verbal trigger. This thing flips up. It's just a giant pocket. Now, there's no way. I actually agree with that. I agree with just giving sex toys and stuff to street guys. People? Yeah.

When it gets cold, you want to fuck something. That would be an interesting form of outreach. I mean, there was a video on... They need sex toys, too. You donate gloves, hats, jackets, all that stuff. There should be a separate tag for, like, fuck dolls. Well, there was a video on Twitter that was, like, going around for a while

of, like, a dude walking his dog, and then he fucking pans over. It's on Hollywood Boulevard, and there's a guy just fucking beating it. Oh, no, I see. There's a homeless guy just beating off, and he's got a massive rod. Of course.

A massive fucking rod. And it's just that and then back to the dog. And I'm like, if that guy had a flashlight, it would be at least not just dong. True.

It was a viral tweet. But it is funny. There was a sex doll, full-fledged sex doll, like an expensive one. Okay. All fours, the head was tilted

to look like towards the camera yeah obviously it could have been a passerby and the legs were spread and it had like

you know two entry points it had an asshole in it which is like this is for a specific group guys that are coming

to go like piss or take care of themselves behind a dumpster yeah this is a little sex doll for you yeah you just gotta get the first cause then other you know it's a dumpster yeah this is a little sex doll for you yeah you just got to get the first

because then other you know it's a it's a ruined utility yeah who knows you can't be sludging in there if you see a homeless guy with a huge dick i always do wonder if the dick did it you know what i mean like just the lack of blood to the brain yeah it's like yeah yeah no well there's that that's one element of it but the brain? Yeah, it's like, yeah, yeah. No, well, there's that. That's one element of it. But the other thing is just like, you know, it's like, you got a dick. Underdeveloped brain.

Too much blood to the bird. Too much blood to the other brain. Old bird brain, an old bird cock. No, I could just see a big dick making someone lazy. A big dick's definitely. Do you have a big dick?

No. Then it's not true. Oh, please. You have a big dick. This it's not true oh please you have a big dick this is what i'm basing the theory on you're fucking nuts you do a dish and then you go to the bar that's a big dick mentality yeah exactly you gotta feed it yeah listen i did the dish choking the blood to the brain yeah i did the dish now i'm gonna go dick you know what i mean out of respect wait um i definitely think a big dick makes you fucking lazy of course yeah of course because you know you always got that in the pants yes if life falls apart things don't go your way you got a

fucking rod yeah there's so much a big dick not just like just like a... I'm talking about huge. Huge cock. Yeah, yeah. There was one video I used to be obsessed with. There was this guy, he walks into the concourse opening of a mall, and he's not far from the doors, maybe 20 feet, and there's two elevators, or escalators, one going up, one going down, he's in the middle, and he whips out this fucking absolute rope of a cock.

Dude. I mean, when he folded it out soft, absolute rope of a cock. Dude. I mean, when he folded it out soft, it was already at 12. Yeah. It was obnoxious. Nobody's eating this. Nobody can get it in your mouth. You can't get it in your foot.

That's a fucking, that's a hell of a life. Yes, it's a nightmare. You're a fetish. Yes. And you can only find less, 20% or 1% that's going to take this. Yes. And most of them are horses. There's no fucking way.

Some girl's opening a hole. Anyway, he was sitting in this conference and he would take drugs out of his pocket, which I imagine was either meth or coke. And he would take one of those plastic vials where you could spin and get a perfect amount of cocaine. He would just bump and then just whack.

And he's just waiting for people to come in. He's bumped. So he was getting off from the social aspect of the fear of getting caught beating. Yes. Oh yeah,

with a big, with a giant, it was a lasso. With a crotch dolphin. This dude is about to lasso a fucking white woman coming to Aldo for new heels.

Dude, yeah, I've always, like, there's every once in a while, every once in a while they every once in a while, they release, like, dick data online.

Dick data. What? Dick data. Yeah, they'll be like, the biggest dick... This is a new podcast. Every once in a while, they release dick data.

Every once in a while, they drop new dick data and it'll be like, the biggest dick in the world is 15 inches or something like that. And you're like, you don't know.

Yeah. You don't know. I saw one where they were like... like you don't know yeah you don't know I saw one where they were like there's no way they know what the biggest dick in the world is because there's tons of dicks

that have been that are in the fog of war 4.2 billion dicks in the world yeah and there's no way you know

yeah you know what I mean it's not like they're measuring babies and there's a certain amount of expected growth or something it's like Stephen A. Smith's not like they're measuring babies and there's a certain amount of expected growth or something. It's like Stephen A. Smith's argument around the dunk contest. Yeah, dude.

There's a lot of dunkers out there that are better than the best. A thousand percent. There's some dude in fucking Sudan that's got, he has a third sneaker on the tip of it, or at least wearing a sock. Yes. And there's one particular, like I saw an article recently that was like,

over the past like 600 years dicks have decreased by like two percent i saw i saw that that was like in an article and it's like dude huh you what you save that no it's just like this is bullshit first of all you're not measuring all the dicks now i know that and second of all there's no way you have any idea how big dicks were 600 years ago there's no way it's not possible so don't fucking you're making people not trust data yeah when you start doing stuff like this yes it's just you you're hard up on dick data hard up no this is what all 4.2 inches of it no i it's it's upsetting to me.

I see that. You need to pump. Humans are the tallest they've ever been. Why aren't their dicks bigger than ever before? I also love that. Tall dudes can have small dicks and small dudes can have big dicks. No, I know, but it's...

Fossil shrink, we don't know. True, dude. The guy might have been fossilized with a fire, it might have been cold outside. True. Well, I would love to see correlation because I would like to know how many geniuses have big dicks.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, because if I had to choose between like a superior intellect and a micro penis or vice versa, I'm like, give me the intellect. I'll take a tiny bit.

A thousand percent. My mother always used to tell me it's like being dumb is like a, it's, it's a trait. Ignorance is bliss. Yes. Sure. But is bliss. Yes. Ignorance is bliss. I'm not sure.

He couldn't find the same. Being dumb is a trait. That's why you used none of the words. That's where it started with your mom. Anyway, I'm smart. My mom always told me. Jesus Christ. You know what you know what happened in that moment? Yeah, because I said this before in a podcast and I was like What she really told me was I was young and she was the first time I saw a mentally challenged. Yeah

And she said don't feel sorry for the person. The person is the happiest person he could ever be. Yeah. And you shouldn't ever feel sorry for them. First time I ever saw a mentally challenged person up close. They beat the fuck out of a guy named Chad

I grew up with. Really? There's a thing in Louisiana called Jimmy's Kids. Yeah. Okay. Pretty much nails it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But some guy named Jimmy's like. Yeah. Right. Okay. Pretty much nails it. Yeah.

But some guy named Jimmy's like, what the fuck? Oh, my kids are like this. Are you pinning this all on me? But yeah, but they, but they had a,

they had a short bus. They had a short bus that would drive down the neighborhood in Chalmette, Louisiana would drive and drop off, you know, Jimmy's kids. Yeah. Right. And one time this kid, Chad, I grew up with the bus stops in the corner, lets some Jimmy's kids off, and Chad starts mimicking a Jimmy's kid.

Oh, no. And the bus driver, who himself is an adult Jimmy's kid. What? A Jimmy's man. Really? A James man. Was there a producer being like, you let him drive? He gets off.

It was Jimmy. It was Jimmy himself. Well, they got, you know, I think they got, yeah, he could drive. He drove. Yeah. But he got off the bus. Was he part Jimmy? Was he a James kid?

No, he was a James. He was a full. He was a full James kid. He's driving a Tesla bus. He's just pulling your car. He was not a Johnny or Jonathan. He was Jimmy. He was a Jim.

He was a Jim. He was a Jim. Jim. Jim kid. A Jim guy. Yeah. He's a Jim. He's a Jim. Jim. Jim kid. Jim. A Jim guy. Yeah. He got off and beat the shit out of this kid, Chad.

Oh, the driver did. Yeah. God, I just fucking whooped him around. That rules. Because he was doing like a... Yeah. Mocking him. Doing that.

Yeah. He's got, I was like, hey, and came out and just smacked him around a few times. Well, another happy characteristic of Jimmy's kid. And that dude was like, He's not dip-checking any butt cracks for his life. Did Chad try to run or anything?

No, he just fucking because he didn't think it was going to happen. None of us thought the dude was any fun. He fucking waylaid on him and like, it was like four or five

smack arounds. Yeah. Just slapped the shit out of him and like held him. He basically spanked him if his face was bad.

If he thought, if he had the sort of, if he had the sort of if he was the sort of Jimmy that thought one's face was also their ass. Watching that happen. Watching Jimmy, watching Chad get spanked. That's what you get, dude.

That's what you get. By a mentally challenged bus driver. You imagine? Catch that. Gotta move. Gotta move. But I bet, but I swear to God. Jimmy, Chad's just sitting there the whole time being like, there's no way.

Yeah. There's no way. Whoa. First hit. All that hurt. Second hit. But the whole time, I thought that bus driver just had a limp, but then I noticed, I'm like, oh, no, he's got a fucking semi.

Yeah. And his dong's that big. Not really. Oh, he got a, oh. I'm just trying to say, he probably had a fucking. Well, I've heard. I thought you were saying Spank and Chad really but you got oh i'm saying he probably had a fucking well i've heard i thought you're saying spanking chad got him all fired probably had a salami from multiple teachers of special needs kids yeah they're all well off and they love like fucking and rubbing and jerking off on buses really yeah again the happy thing a guy i grew

up a guy went to high school with the name was was Kenny, had a massive, he had a cock. He used to like, he'd walk up behind you and put it in your back pocket. Oh my God. No way. He could piss over his shoulder. No. It was insane. Like not like dick over his shoulder.

Yeah, yeah. He'd stand, he'd drop the shoulder, he'd start the stream. You'd see it just blast off this way. And then he could just, like a fire hose, just get it over his shoulder for a few seconds and then back around he had a big fucking dick

and I feel like I could do that try it dude I think I got I tried it I got enough velocity I piss fast I piss hard

I've seen my brother's best friend growing up piss on top of a school bus yeah wow I have accidentally pissed in my own ear a few times

trying this you understand but but this is one of the most fucking ridiculous things I've ever seen. All right? I know what my own piss sounds like real well.

All right? Sounds like an ocean. Yeah, yeah. It's conch shell. It sounds like, oh, look at that. Like my head becomes the conch shell. But this dude, Kenny, there was an area in north of Slidell, Louisiana, where I went to high school called Stennis.

It was Stennis, Mississippi. It was a campground. We'd all go camping there, which meant just a bunch of fucking high school kids getting hammered and passing out in the two sleeping bags somebody brought. But basically, Kenny, you know what a pop tent is yeah he stole a pop tent from his neighbor right and when he popped it up it was like a little mermaid tent it was fucking tiny yeah so when we're all he gets in there he's like he was the kind of guy i was like fuck y'all and he climbs in if we're making fun of him like you're not gonna fit in this fucking

thing yeah he climbs in there and he zips himself in and while he's sleeping i tied the tent the zipper to the tent frame oh so he was there yeah but throughout anyway he's a burst out of a mermaid little mermaid so here's what happens we get we get woken up like i was good dude we get woken up hours later by the game warden right yeah basically a cop right yeah because we're trespassed forest cop so he's waking us up and he's like what the? Yeah. Because we're trespassing. Forest cop. So he's waking us up and he's like, what the hell are you doing? What the hell? And we're like,

oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. He's waking us up. He goes, who's in the tent? And we're like, oh, Kenny. He's like, Kenny. And Kenny's trying to fucking

get out of the tent. He can't because it's tied from the outside and it's fucking funny. And then he just rips his way out of the top out of it. Burst out of it,

but he's wearing just basketball shorts and like a t-shirt and he's got a fucking morning and like a t-shirt and he's got a fucking morning wood that's how big his dick was the cop pulled his gun no because he because he saw him come out of the fucking tent with this erection through these shorts that for a second whoa just he didn't point the gun yeah. But he put, it departed from the holster. Yeah. Because he saw Kenny

with the dick. Whoa! Oh, okay. Okay, okay, okay. But for a minute, it was like, weapon! You know?

That's how big this dude's fucking dick was. Holy shit. He almost got shot dead. Just because, well, also because we locked him and tied him in a tent.

What an amazing police report. Well, sir. Yeah. Exactly. He burst out. He burst out of the little mermaid tent. And I thought he was armed. Yeah, amazing police report. Well, sir. Exactly. He burst out of the Little Mermaid tent, and I thought he was armed.

Listen, if I didn't take this guy down eventually, he'd have taken us all down with his cock. Are you from Boston? We're in Mississippi. He's dead and it's soft. Hit the page. Hit the page?