Stuff Island - Stuff Island #18 - go to bed angry w/ Francis Ellis

Episode Date: March 9, 2022

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Dreary and dark is a choice. I am. I'm a big lighting fan. I'm like, dude, why don't you turn some lights on? He's like, no. Yeah. Yeah, that's how Chris is, too. Where do you want me?

Right here. Which one do you want? This is a hoppier. This is west coast sweeter. I'll do it sweet. And he's upstairs. Is that right? Yeah.

Yeah, everybody knows. He's in Utah. Oh, that's right. He's out with those guys. I gave Norman my ski pass because it covers the mountain that they are going to oh really what's the ski pass that you have the epic pass what the epic pass epic like Vail resorts epic it's like Vail Beaver Creek dude that's crazy all those ones yeah but you have a full yeah and I skied well beyond paying for it.

Oh, really? I did like 10 days this year. And lift tickets at the window are like $200. Yeah. The pass is like $700. Dude, like hot moms ask you for lessons and shit because you look like you'd be a ski instructor. You got a ski instructor face. This is a compliment.

I know. You should be very happy about this. Isn't that how Vail got Park City? The lawyer for Park City they like the lawyer for for Park City forgot to renew their lease

how the fuck do you know this dude you read the fucking scheme magazines yeah yeah well what happened was they

yeah they they they were forgot to renew their lease like it just like it was like a hundred year lease

or something and the morning it expired, the lawyer forgot to re-up it. So Vale just got it. And then Park City had a mountain they couldn't use but they owned all the lifts and everything.

That sounds familiar. Yeah, that sounds familiar. Forgetting to cancel your Hulu. Not forgetting to renew your mountain. What a fucking dickhead. And it's Park City. This guy thinks the podcast has started. Have you noticed this?

Yes. We're doing it. Are we? So I'm the asshole. I'm the only one not speaking into the microphone. You couldn't tell my energy was fake. I'm like, we're having a conversation and you're talking into the mic. Yeah, yeah.

I thought this was the foreplay yeah we should announce that and Barstool actually did this to us the first time we met uh KFC and Fidel yeah where we walked into the room and if I knew them I would have said some outlandish shit walking in that giant space and I was like when are we gonna start they're like oh we we started 10 minutes ago they just come in I didn't realize that they come in cold yeah I just call them a slur I'm not familiar with barstool what is it what is it

with that where are you at with that what happened I have no idea I feel like this is I don't know how I give a shit but I do care for you

no yeah all is well I um you know I got fired like I don't know three years ago two years for what

you did something I wrote a blog about a girl who went missing. I thought she was fine. She showed up dead. He made a mistake that anyone could make. I looked like an asshole. They fired me.

Wait, hold on. Say it again. I wrote a blog one day about a girl who'd gone missing. You know, it was a story I found on the internet. Yeah. And I made some jokes. And nothing like, the jokes weren't what got me into trouble. Dead girl jokes are great.

But they weren't. I didn't know she was dead. I didn't know she was dead. I thought from what I had read that I thought she was fine. So it was like this stupid bitch. I didn't even do that. This stupid bitch got lost.

It was just that I wrote the blog at all. Like almost like even if I had written you know I hope she's okay. Like it would have been a problem. I shouldn't have done anything with it. Isn't there an editor in between you Barstool maniacs and just writing stories on stuff? There had been, but I had been given free. Grandfather didn't rule.

No, I had to earn it. And I earned editor-less working. I was given, you know, carte blanche to just post. Yeah, they don't do that anymore now because you're right i think i was the straw that yeah dude i would i would have gotten fired so i would have done something exactly a hundred thousand yeah and if i hadn't gotten fired for that i would have gotten fired for something else yeah it was a matter of time that was three years ago i think so i think it was 2019 aren't you still francis barstool on the internet no no for they were really cool about that uh the

social media guy you know normally when you change your instagram handles and stuff you lose your blue check mark oh but they talked to instagram they were like let him change it don't they were like the dead girl jokes were funny and awful yeah let him keep that star yeah we want everyone knowing it's still him let him cancel himself and not us anymore yeah well you look well rested since i always said you have like a glow about you you know what i mean like yeah people say that you look like you sleep in buttermilk i I'm a little red. No wrinkles. I've got a bit of a redness. Yeah, but not your skin.

Your skin is clean. Skin's great. Great skin. You think? Yeah, great skin. It's so sweet. Do you moisturize? I do. I have to. Why? Why do you have to moisturize? Shut up, Chris. This is true. If I don't, it hurts. I get really dry skin.

Like windburn? Yeah, no. It hurts me too. And then you start rubbing it and then you get raw. Well, you're always on fucking Vale and all these mountains. That's a different elevation. Oh, yeah. I do now.

Do you do a mask? Do you do like a... What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see you having a little bit of an American psycho. Yeah, cucumbers on your eyelids. I get that a lot. You know who only are the people who say that to me, though?

Psychos. Ugly people. People who don't take care of themselves. It's like, well, we have to justify the fact that you take care of yourself by pretending you murder people on the side, whereas the truth is you just don't take care of yourself. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a deflection of your own insecurities. I don't murder is, you just don't take care of yourself. It's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a deflection of your own insecurities. I don't murder people, therefore I don't need them. That's pretty true. He's like, you got nice skin. Why do you do that to yourself? Because it's upsetting. It's like, you're telling me if I took care of myself, I could look like that? Yes. That's fucking ridiculous. It's like dressing well in comedy.

Everyone's like, look at this fucking idiot. And then a minute later, they're DMing you and going, what is that shirt? Where'd you get that shirt? It's a nice shirt. I trash you online, but I'm interested. Are these paper denim jeans? Well, you can't wear cool clothes on stage. You can't.

It's distracting. That's something I battle with. I do battle with that. I dress down for comedy. You have to. Yeah, you have to. It's about the words. It's about the spoken word.

Oh, shut up, Chris. It's about the words. It's about the spoken words. Shut up, Chris. What a poet. You don't want to. Hey, here's a funny little thing. The first time I met Chris was in Philly. I was doing Helium and he was with Santino over at the Laugh, whatever it's called. No. Punchline. We went bowling together during the day, which was a blast. Santino is a spectacular bowler.

He's a spectacular bowler. You're bopping around with these two redheads in front. Dude, yeah, dude. Santino's a real good bar games guy. Yeah. He's got good hand-eye, you know. Sneaky, accurate type of thing. Is he doing the old spin skis?

Oh, no. I think he did. He's getting a little more of the spin going. See, that's a little much for me. I get the spins going. You beat me straight up or you don't fucking play with me. What, straight rolling? Yeah, you gotta straight roll.

You don't put any English on it? If you're not a real bowler, you can't be fucking faking the spins. No, it's only fun to spin it. Yeah, but he... You'll gutter it to get the spin down? You're one of those. Yeah, yeah. Straight, hard as fuck. Yeah, yeah. Straight, hard as fuck.

He also throws them back when he's bowling, so I don't mind that. Yeah. As long as you do that, then you're evening out the spin. But that's probably what got him in the zone. It could be. That's what alcoholics tell us. We were throwing him back. We won't know.

Yeah, we were throwing him back. We were throwing him back then. Yeah, yeah. Was it that type of bowling alley? It's like a pitcher or miller light or some shit yeah yeah and they i think they were closed but they like opened just for us or something yeah we got there early we're the only people there you got there early that was the weekend before the pandemic no right oh yeah it was it was march so i think i think it was also like

you guys got one more round yeah yeah i think people were like people were like i don't think it's really safe to still go out i think we were sticking our fingers in these bowls so that's that's why they let you in they were like we need the money desperately yeah and well there was nobody there was nobody there and they were like well we don't really open i think we got there at like the bar next to punchline no yeah this is uh south bowl or whatever yeah yeah yeah it's cool wait did something happen that day no well i think it was either uh it might have been the night before that but we we all did our shows and then i met up with this guy and six at some bar that had like five stories and on one of the stories like one floor there was an open mic going on and we went yes it was like one in the morning yes 30 yeah we went to rave and we just had a great night you know

doing five bars at our terrific two floors venues like everyone sold out whatever it was and we go to this place and they're like do you want to go up and i'm like i guess we have to right like yeah yeah and we all just like begrudgingly went up and did you know four minutes in front of this terrible audience that just hated of course it was like eight people that had been there for three hours. Yeah. That was a good nightcap. It just absolutely ruined the year. It's a classic Raven trip. It's a classic Raven trip. Yeah, after the Thursday night show.

It was all the fun that you had that night. It's the last thing you go to bed with. You question all your existence in comedy and life. Yeah. And then you do it again. Yeah. It's great. Yeah, it was every night.

No chain. What would the crowd look like? What's Raven look like these days? You went up and assaulted them. I did. You were mad at them. I did. I said mean things.

You didn't do any material. I did not. I did not. I did not. That used to be a thing that I did. I did that at Philly's Funniest. I did that at Philly's Funniest. I just went up and told the crowd.

I was like, some guy yelled out, Jameses. And and I went fuck you And just completely Melted down it was like a compliment It was like being nice Once Chris gets to a certain alcoholic level he gets to that like Police chief just took his His gun and badge

And he's He's on like a weak bender And it only takes for whiskey It's only like two whiskeys This boy gets a second whiskey And you just see He's like He looks over

Yeah he started looking Through my eyebrows What the fuck And then he He'll fight you on anything Nice I always have to look At his glass going

Oh I get it I get it I'll back off That's a great trait For relationships I don't I don't fight in relationships Oh no

No no no, no, no. What? No, I like, I don't like relationship. Are you big relationship fight? Do you scream and yell? No, no, no. I don't. I don't. What do you do?

What's your strategy? I don't like any relationship that I've ever been in where there was a lot of fighting, it fighting it ended immediately yeah i can't i can't handle that yeah it's a good move yeah i made the mistake a couple times just sticking around because because you the fierceness you can you know mistake for passion and lust yeah it often leads to lust right but that lust revenge goes away with other. And then it's just revenge fucking. You know what I mean? Where it's like, it's not real.

There's no love. And it's going to happen again. And then you're looking, you're searching for the love and the fuck going forward. And then you're like, there's no love in the fuck. There's no love in the living room. Why are we still doing this? And you keep battling each other for one more year, possibly. Usually there's a one more year turnover.

You go bowling one more time. The conversation dies and it's just fights. It's like the only way you know how to talk to each other anymore is just yelling. In order to break the boredom in a fight. I will say that even if I cause the fight psychologically or emotionally, I can admit it later on but when it gets to a certain level of yelling or heightened sense of screaming I just go nope I check out I don't say anything yeah all they want is something yeah

give me something back in return I won't keep elevating my anger in my voice if you fulfill my need to know why the fuck you did that and i go stop don't talk to me like that don't raise your voice and then i'm out dude i one of the that's pretty noble i think it's the worst no it is but also you're not rising to the bait is a noble way to yeah hold yourself you're right well there's one of my least favorite phrases is like, never go to bed angry. Yeah. I don't believe in it. How do you sleep?

What do you mean? If you're not angry. Yeah. First of all, how do you get to bed? Second of all, no, it's just like, what about, I prefer sleep on it. Yes. Every fight I've ever lost has taken place between the hours of two and four a.m. Dude, it's true.

And really, the only reason I lost them. The only reason I lost them. and 4am and really the only reason I lost them I am undefeated due to 4pm I get gassed they drag you into deep water they gas you they just gas you out

you start chasing your own tail have I said that? it's like a lion stalking a wounded elk like she knows when you're too drunk yeah yeah she knows when you're gonna drool and slip up and say something yeah once once you start making like like you run into a couple dead ends and you're like you're like i gotta yeah let's just do this tomorrow it's like i can't sleep like this it's like you have to because i can't i can't do it i can't i'm gonna lose yeah't. I'm going to lose.

Dude, that's so true. Some of the best nights of sleep I've ever had came on the heels of a fight because you'll never sleep at more extreme sides of the bed. Yes. There's never more distance. You won't even know there's someone else in that bed. You're turned the opposite way.

There's a pillow fort down the middle. Depending on how large the bed is, it's a pillow fort down the middle. Depending on how this, how large the bed, the bed is. It's like how big the fight you want to start. Dude. And if you're in like a twin,

you're like, you fucking whore. You started everything. Dude. And you like, you're so ready to be done with the day. Like you just sprint into your subconscious. You're like,

I've never wanted to retreat into my brain behind my eyelids. So bad. God, I do. I vivid memories of exactly what you said. And you're so right. Dude, I have a theory, too, that women respect sleep less than men, I think, because they have a lot of like. Well, they're usually doing it sober. Probably why you only need like five, six hours. No, but it's like their whole lives. They've always had to get up early and do hair and

like makeup. And like they always are like, I got up, I rolled out of bed and went to school. You know what I mean? I went, I waited to the 11th hour every time to get up and just get there. They always had to get up and prepare like this. So they're used to like, they're just better. They can go more days without sleep i think than weekend you know yeah like and that's why it's like and when you have to get up

the next morning and they're taking you into a 3 a.m 4 a.m fight it's like you're not you don't stand a chance dude yeah i i i when i'm so angry right now I'm thinking about those situations where it's like I have something to do in the morning and I was out all night and I know you weren't I know what you're doing you want to handle this

and I'm just like please please can we do this tomorrow and when I elevate myself to the point where like, oh, fine, you want to do it? Yeah. And then if she gets anything in return, she'll go. And I am up staring at the fucking ceiling.

Yeah. Just living. Well, I mean, this is why the wage gap is good. It needs to, you know. Until they learn how to fight at night drunk. Four minutes to Mr. Ellis to land this plane. Start the timer. I don't even have a plan.

I wanted to see how far we could get. Because you were like, I've been waking up a long time. Don't do their hair and makeup. But I'm like, great. Let's see if we can keep moving the goalposts on this. Anyway, how was the bowling outside of that? Did you do well? Are you a good bowler? I think I did my normal thing where I like,

first round is terrible because I'm trying to get the spin down. And then I have like a couple good rounds. It's like a round of golf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I either do really well in the front nine or the back nine. There's no both. Yeah. But it was fun

and it was like the beginning of the apocalypse so it was like there was like a whoa, I can't believe we're still doing shows tonight. That's kind of wild. There's also no hot teenagers

seeing your gutter ball every like third throw. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I like about that place too is they have bubble hockey. Oh yeah, big fan. Love bubble hockey. I don't know what that is. It's like foosball but with hockey oh yeah of course yeah yeah yeah i

just didn't know that was what that was called yeah i think what else is it called right it's bubble yeah there's no other i don't know that i had another name for it i just know it when i see it what did you do you know what i what I mean? Like foosball hockey. Kind of. Yeah. But you were never seeking it out. You never were so desperate to play bubble hockey. Nobody was.

Where's the bubble coming from? It's in a bubble. It's in a plastic dome. He has no idea we're talking. Oh, I sure do. I sure do. Because the players spin and you can spin them to hit slap shots. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I know. They're long little slots. I feel like it's... I don't know. Well, listen. I feel like spinning is frowned upon. When the podcast starts, you better get your shit together. I feel like spinning is frowned upon.

I'm sure it is. Like in foosball. I'm sure it is. Are you a foosball guy? No, I'm not. Ping pong? I like pool. I like darts. Like in foosball. I'm sure it is. Are you a foosball guy? No, I'm not. Ping pong? I like pool. I like darts.

Darts are cool. Darts are fun. Darts feels manly. Yes. There's nothing that feels... I mean, you look at the highlights of the World Dart Championship, and it's some fat, neckless, British, pasty amoeba. Yep.

Backed by an announcer with more enthusiasm than anyone at the World Cup. And, you know, he's just, I mean, they're automatic. And you're like, how does that skill come from that body? Yeah. Because that's all they do. It's all just right here. It's not a skill.

Yeah. It's repetition. Like crew. True. We've already been through this. I i was you're a lacrosse guy were you a crew guy no look at me what am i fucking coxson i'm 510 you can't be a crew guy they're all giant lurches no i think you'd be a good crew guy at what yelling at people i would be a good guy i think i think you could because they're skinny cocksuckers that sit in the top

and dog you they need to be even smaller they I'd be a great cocksucker. They need to be smaller than you. Yeah, they're like jockeys. They're really small. They're tiny little, yeah. You don't want them to weigh anything because they're not doing any work. Richie Redding was a cocks in a pen. No way. Yeah.

Funny little comic. He's not little anymore, though. He's like 5'8", 5'9". He's not tiny. Maybe he's just really skinny. Yeah, yeah. He's probably a real thin he's just really skinny. Yeah, yeah. He's probably a real thin... You can see him weighing like 120 pounds.

Dude, when you hit exactly what you're looking for on a dartboard, it's the most fulfilling. Yeah. It's like hitting a ball out of the park. Yeah, a double or a triple is really... Yeah. I just like the sound. That thump.

Yeah, yeah. When it slips through the cork and hits with like the wood behind it that thump what do you guys play do you play cricket I do cricket

and baseball baseball's great what's the baseball one again baseball's one through nine and you accumulate points oh cool you just go in

every inning you ever play the subtracting from 501 I did that once and I was like never again the math gets to it takes forever

you're drinking in some shitty bar. Who the fuck is adding all this up with chalk? Difficult subtraction. It's me and some pill head from fucking Clifton Heights going like, now you got 444. It's like, count it again, you fucking ape. Sober math is bad enough. Drunk math is a nightmare.

It's just three, one, two lines in a circle. You know who's not typically very good at math? Women. You guys thought we were typically very good at math? Women. You guys thought we were done, but we're not. No, they actually are. It doesn't work for them, you know? It doesn't come easily. Well, they're not good at high-level mathematics.

Like, see, he's fucking around, but this is going to be serious. But they are really good at like doing like long complicated problems like like doing like like intense yeah like again same with the fighting to dragging in deep water they can do like like that's why the whole hidden figures people got going because women can do like like really like long laborious calculations, they're fucking better than anyone else at. But complicated, weird physics. Because they're used to getting up early in the morning.

Doing their hair. They're grinders. Women are grinders. I wish I'd met you earlier because I haven't met a guy who knew women as well as you. I haven't. And if you'd been around to explain to me you know

why things weren't going well yeah god I'd have a better relationship with my mother I would have you as a relationship no you listen to the wrong podcast and you can wind up

spouting a lot of this bullshit because I got a bunch of stuff rattling around in there that it's like actually 3D modeling women are bad at in their brains that's why they're like

not really good drivers isn't that everyone's like actually 3d modeling women are bad at in their brains that's why they're like not really good drivers isn't that everyone's like makeup in their in their mind no i think there are actually like genetic differences between men and women and they're like the way their brains function like supposedly supposedly like uh fine motor skills women have like much better fine motor skills like what because they can't run i know women can't run but that have much better fine motor skills. Like what? Because they can't run. I know women can't run. But that's not a fine motor skill. What is motor skill? They're going fast. This would be like typing.

Yeah, yeah. Like fine hand work. You said run. Needle point? Yeah. Legos? Yeah. Dude, one time I went on a rant.

Typing? Secretary of work? I went on a rant about how when you just see girls jogging On the street I'm like One in a hundred Looks like they have form And it's like that's an athlete

Yeah yeah The rest of them look like They tripped an hour ago And they're still falling I know There's a lot of dudes like that too There's a lot of dudes Of course

But let me finish I'm dead serious It drives me wild watching women run and i i went on this rant to somebody somebody before and i clearly liked him and agreed with him because he was like oh evolution he was like hunters gatherers we've we we have thousands of years practice ahead of them running with agility, hand-eye coordination, you know, and balance. And they're just catching up because they're always like hanging clothes and making masa and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I bet they did a lot of scrambling and scurrying. Yeah. Dodging darts from like neighboring dudes. Yeah, yeah. Trying to take the bus. Running with babies and stuff. Jesus Christ. You know. Probably be great at football. yeah yeah trying to take the bus running with babies and stuff um uh you know probably great football or dodgeball uh you know what i've gotten into a lot lately is um is there's a very fine line

between when i see someone exercising between me thinking like what what's the fucking point yeah and good for you yeah yeah very very fine line between like you shouldn't even be trying yeah and at least you're trying yeah yeah there's a there is a middle zone that uh yeah because the like that's the bottom end is like's like, dude, don't even bother. And like, you know what? Fuck yeah, you're turning around. And the top end is like, damn, that dude's fucking jacked. Yeah.

Strong as fuck. And then beyond that is like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Why are you that jacked? You're going to hurt yourself. That's destroying your body. That's too much work. Why are you squatting 315 when you work at a Starbucks?

Like, how many fucking caramel lattes are on your back yeah stop doing that shit yeah like with their knee wraps and all that shit do you guys exercise yeah i exercise you can see my yeah look dude oh that's awesome my legs are my tight jeans just like you that's awesome we're all wearing the same color pants by the way yeah it's been oh really it's been a thing just shades you're fucking great you're yoked you're very very lean boy uh thank you yeah i don't i don't see you drinking too many beers and making mistakes like with like food and and hookers too often um i'm trying to think no not hookers i don't know why i threw that in there i just saw your face you know i'm afraid of hookers really yeah like that's the most misogynist thing that we've said on this i i i've always my whole life i've kind of been too afraid to have sex with i think that's a healthy fear yeah yeah the

unhealthy one is just being like i feel super safe but everyone Everyone I know that has been with a hooker describes the experience as being so transactional and almost like, you know, what's the word? Like when a doctor scrubs in, they're becoming antiseptic. Yes, it is like that. Here's the thing, in my opinion. I'll say that again. In my opinion, we're talking about base level sex workers. So when you go from $20 to $200, they are dealing with all the riffraff.

They're not expecting to come into the foliage, the nice lighting of an apartment like this. Right. Oftentimes, they're just getting drug into a Mitsubishi Gallant with one working speaker blaring fucking Jimi Hendrix. It's true. And just getting knocked off by some dude who hasn't bathed in a week. Well, so... Hold on, I'm not done.

Okay. There's more details to this fictional story. It's not fictional. It's real. I watch a lot of hooker documentaries and the high-end sex worker situation is like it's a dream it's a very beautiful woman you're not worried about her teeth falling out midway and she's just like a well put together person that's making a lot of money. Yeah. Like a hot OnlyFans model or something. Who's going to your hotel, which is also high end.

She knows she has a high end client. It's less dangerous on her behalf. They have less clients. She's not fucking nuts. Yeah. She's probably not on fucking drugs. A lot of them are just to medicate to get through all the bullshit. You get to like the thousand dollar client.

If you have the money, it's a different emotional experience. You feel like you're buying a date. That's the whole escort. We're talking like escort now? Yeah. The level's there. So don't just group them all in like women. Right.

There's a nuance. Well, you know, back in my day before I knew it was wrong, I would go to the Rub and Tugs. Yeah, me too. And I always felt like when I would go in there, they would always tell me, oh, wow, you have such a nice body. Don't be doing that voice. I'm not doing the body.

We'll have to cut it. I left the article in there, which they omit, which means it's not racist. I said, you have such a nice nice body as opposed to you have nice body right which is what they actually said true true okay so you have such a nice body and uh you know to the point where it occurred to me that like the the majority of their clientele are these bottom feeding yes of course, sluggish men. To the point where I realized me going in there, I'm doing them a favor. That's how I think.

I am their treat. Congrats. I'm the recess portion of their day. Dude. Yeah. And that's why I don't tip. Yes. This is how I feel about Uber drivers.

If I get 80 in this week, I get $250 bones. You know, once a week, I think a decent looking dude comes in their brothel and they're like, God, I deserve this. I put the 80 hours in before this guy walked in and I have a normal looking dude whose breath doesn't smell like beef jerky and shit. And we're going to have a good time. And you're welcome. Yes.

That's really what it comes down to. You start making up stuff in your head. She's like, she's actually enjoying this. Yeah. This is my community service. I know this is supposedly be like a disgusting thing that she doesn't like doing, but this moment for her. Dude.

I'm the best part of her job. After 15 other handjobs, jerking me off is going to be exciting. A thrill ride. You write a little note on the napkin. Great time, baby. Keep believing in yourself. As soon as you get off the exit on 676 Center City on 95, there's a Westy's Pub.

I don't know if you know this. It's still there, but there used to be a brothel Above Westies pub Okay So you go into this bar And after a certain time Usually like midnight Like a couple girls would

You know Come down the chimney Yeah The whore chimney or whatever They would just Roll out of this Fucking condom chimney Santa Claus

Yeah And then They would just walk Up to each person almost like a strip joint. Like the way a stripper knocks on your forehead to pay her a dollar for nothing. I can so vividly see that. Somebody has to look at you and go, hey, these girls I know appeared out of nowhere because the door's right there. There's only one door. And so I'm like looking at the rafters and the AC units. Like, how the fuck did these girls get down here?

And then they just talk to you and you put some money under your napkin. Disappearing to the abyss with this girl. And she's fucking soaping you up in some cold water. Westies pub. Shout out Westies pub. Great burger and wings. It is the thing where you go outside for a cigarette or something. You look at this newspaper over the

windows you're like something's going on something's going on also what a fucking terrible way to do it oh yeah I would put a plant hold on

if you put a fake plant maybe a candle like Christmas time and then you black out beyond the plant and then it could just be mayhem you could have

fucking fist and anal sex I would just love your boss being like Tommy we're running a whorehouse yeah you're not putting candles candles last month here's a question have you ever fit your entire fist inside a person no i've been requested one time to do that to keep going more fingers and i was like no i'm not doing that because i did like the old fucking... Stretching a rubber band. I did the old road cone to like a certain length. Yes.

The old road cone. I don't know, dude. All right, the fucking... Yeah. The tropical beak. I went tropical beak all the way to like knuckle two. And I was like, this is too much. The old shadow puppet. Yeah. It felt like I was trying to reach into a mail slot yeah yeah grab something

like i was just close to it's like when someone extends their arm and their elbow goes like up yeah stop you're trying to stop doing that that's your bag of doritos that hasn't fallen all the way out of a vending machine yeah it's like fucking getting that middle bone out of operation but with your whole hand in her ass no that's disgusting yeah what's what's you what what's you out of control when you lose it oh gosh it's actually it's no just any any any area of life well what's what's you go what's a moment where you go francis whoa dude because guys like this with this demeanor do i know who i am anymore that's a good question that's a very good question when's the last time you flew off the handle well i mean there's there's two answers one is a sexual like an answer yeah okay where you just when i was much younger, where you're with somebody who clearly has farther boundaries than you do.

And you're like, okay, well, I have some items to check off that I haven't. Are you talking about getting your ass eaten? I mean, whatever. I'm just like any number there's no the sky's the limit and you learn within minutes that this person that you're with

is like willing to be your kind of box checker and has already checked all those boxes herself and is like that's her speed like every sexual partner that she has And has already checked all those boxes herself. And is like, that's her speed. Like every sexual partner that she has, this is her normal trip around the bases. Right.

Can I ask you a question? Was she older? Well, I mean, I'm trying to think. Yeah. I've had a few. I look back. There were a couple times where I quickly realized, realized oh you're so much more depraved than i am but uh who am i to judge and like yes you know now let's like let's see what that's

about you know and whatever uh and one one of the women certainly was yeah i have a theory on this uh i look chris and i like to start conversations like that very awkwardly i have a theory on this uh i look chris and i like to start conversations like that very awkwardly i have a theory on this yeah i think mature women are not not depraved as you think excuse me liberated i think mature women the bell curve of sexual experiences as a young person and your interest in sexual experiences as a young person are heightened all the way to like 30, 40. And whatever you look back at the top of that bell and you look back and go, I wanted it. I felt it. I didn't do it on the bottom end. You're like, I only have 10, 50 more years to either jump back on this side of the curve age-wise or fuck it, do it with anybody.

But I've got to go back to those boxes and check them. So it's not about I'm so hungry I want to do weird things to you. They always had it in their mind. Sexual exploration starts when you're 17, 16, 15 years old when you're jerking off on your mattress. It's always the same thing. You just build this repertoire of imagination and imaginative sexual exploits. And then if you don't experience it

all the way through getting married, that's why divorced older women are ravenous. It's like, dude, slow down. Not only were they trapped in a marriage that didn't explore, they always had this fucking this egg of desire to hit all of those

boxes. And now it's cooking. Because that dude's had fucking Frank's out of the picture. Frank joined at Dartley. Frank fucked off and joined at Dartley. Now she can go, I'm getting it all. And if I can find a young stud to fucking let me play with him, I'll check off all. And if I can find a young stud to fucking let, let me play with them,

I'll check off all those boxes that I always wanted. And he can check off boxes before he even knows he wanted them. Yeah. But it's tough. Cause it's like when you're on, you know, when you don't have any of the crazy, you don't know any of the,

how to do any of the crazy shit. Yeah. Then they, they're like, let's get fucking nuts. And you're like, I don't know how to do that. Yeah,

exactly. So we're going to let's get fucking nuts. And you're like, I don't know how to do that. Yeah, exactly. And you're intimidated. So we're going to stumble through this. What level of, like, again, I'm sorry. Think of this, right? So when you're young, as a young man, you know, I remember being very nervous to try things sexually. And there were times, even as a young man, where I knew that there were things that I was,

you know, like a woman would want me to, you know, finger her or something like that. And I was too scared to do it. I'm talking about high school, whatever. Yeah. And, you know, you kind of gain confidence as you go. But a lot of the time, I feel like more experienced women were prodding me forward. Yeah. Pushing me forward. Being like, I've been here.

It's no big deal. Go ahead. And that's the way it has to go. Yeah, of course. Of course. Otherwise, you're like, this thing I'm about to do might be a crime. Yeah. You decide after it's done.

Yeah, you just let along. Whether I've committed a crime or not. I will say that every new sexual experience I have had in my life, I would think, was typically led by the woman. And I would assume she had already done it. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. Like every new frontier, every new horizon, whatever. We're the last generation to think this way.

Because I think the younger people, you can't assume they've already done it because they already saw it. You don't go through jerking off through a JCPenney catalog to learn how to eat ass. That's not in there. You know what I mean? These young kids in high school

can just watch this on their phone. They go, I want to try that. But I agree with you. I think at a certain point coming up at 25 to 30 you're like oh this girl and you worried about that chick if that chick was aggressive like oh dude geez make sure you wrap it up yeah but it's like i watch people play pro hockey i can't go out and play pro hockey true but you know what i mean you get on skates you're a little wobbly i think you're yeah you're you're you're making regular sex very complicated.

It's just an aggressive form of regular sex. You're talking about like mild choking, ass play. I think in general, like anytime I stumble or there's like the rhythm is off, I start to just, I can't do this anymore. Yeah, you're a heady dude though. Yeah, yeah. If I bump heads, are you like, I don't know, you do this anymore. Yeah. You're a heady dude, though. Yeah, yeah. If I bump heads, are you like... Bump heads? I don't know.

You do something clumsy. Yeah. Anytime something clumsy happens, it's like, this whole thing's got to stop. Yeah. I can't do this. Let's reset. This is ridiculous. Yeah.

Let's get some coffee and we'll figure it out. Yeah. I'm rolling over and going to bed. You know, it occurred to me... So, I'm engaged. Yeah. I'm rolling over and going to bed. You know, it occurred to me, so I'm engaged. Yeah. And it occurred to me recently, like, you know, one of my favorite things in the world now is just having, you know, unprotected sex with my fiance. Because I have, I'm now in a place.

Is that NPR, dude? Yeah. No, you'll hear why. And the reason is that if we were to get pregnant, it would be okay. Right. That's the first time in my life where that's been the case. Yeah. And I feel like I've made it.

Yeah. Yeah. 33 years old, no illegitimate children. As far as I know, no abortions, like whatever. I'm safe. I'm in the end zone. Yeah. Does that make sense?

100%. What a relief. It is nice. I imagine the unprotected sex knowing that it would be okay makes the flesh the flesh. Even if you have unprotected sex when it's not okay which i did recently where like it could become a baby you're still no matter how drunk you or high you are you're still conscious in that moment going remember you know the fucking juice might come out yeah anytime yeah even though your body's like ding ding ding ding here it comes you don't know that and then like if a girl jumps back on it's like there's still some juice in the tunnel yeah they don't get that

concept either there's a lot of getting out of there dude there's a lot they don't get and i don't know i feel like i can't wait till chris comes up with a with a lady title for this episode. Women. On women. They're just different. Can't live with them. Can't live without them. I'm pregnant.

I've been in relationships like that where I got to a place where I was like, you know what? I would be okay having a kid with this person. Really? Yeah. Wait, you mean while fucking? No, because I've done those. That's where the first time I thought it. I swear to God I've done that too.

But no, I've been in that place, and it does make you hornier. In my mind. Yeah. The fucking is better, because you're like, I could, like,

having a kid would be almost cool. Yeah. I can't say that I, i can't say that i ever had that thought until my fiance yeah i wouldn't i've never had that thought no one really that at best at best it was i trust that they take their birth control at the same time every day yeah i don't know the efficacy of their birth control is as high as you ever been in a crazy relationship where like you you worried they were actually taking the birth control where you got to a point in your relationship where it's like year two year three and they really want to be with you and it's it's evident it's not going to path that they want

and you really get worried about i got in a situation where i got worried about like just having normal sex am i gonna get to get tricked? Yeah. Cause I have a couple of friends. I always, obviously. Yeah. Anytime a woman's like, I know it can possibly happen. It can happen.

But like, I'm talking about crazy girls, not regular people, crazy girls. We're like, the guy's trying to get out of the relationship. And all of a sudden it's like having a baby with her. I guess we're going to get married.

Yeah. It's like, dude, what? Yeah. That's bad. I had one. That's really bad. You know, people that that happened to get married. Yeah. It's like, dude, what? Yeah. That's bad. I had one. That's really bad.

You know people that that happened to? Yes. Really? Yeah. Yes. I know. I know. That there was sabotage.

There was subterfuge. I think and all of our friends think that's what happened. And then they went on to have like a second baby because this woman's whole objective was just to have children. Yeah. And the relationship was not healthy. The kids look cool whole of what the kids look cool do they look cool yeah how do they dress yeah they're pretty good now i think it now i think about because that's the like yeah i was like well having a child is selfish in itself you just want a little mini you to look cool yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's a very selfish thing and then you just post pictures of your kids wearing clothes that you

like yeah it's a fucked up but then the actual taking care of them is is that's where you'd fuck i don't know why you want to have a child can i be great dad yeah yeah yeah absolutely yeah yeah i'll get it i'll get it you need a break he's gonna get in trouble with the kid you've never been fucking a girl and been like, this would be a cool person. We'd make a cool looking kid. I think,

oh, 100%. Yeah. 100%. Yeah, like this kid would look fucking dope. Yeah, no, that's not what I'm saying. Like visually,

I see people on the street and be like, our kid would be beautiful. I'd like to make a cool looking kid and the rest of the fucker. I get it. Do you think about

specifically what features, what mix of features they would have yeah fat black asses and and black breasts because i want a curly haired light-skinned kid that's going to take over the movie industry i always i always dude no joke because... I mean, that's the future of all television. But it's not a big deal. No, no. I always worry about a girl getting my nose. Like if I had a baby girl and she had my nose. What's wrong with your nose?

You got a nice nose. What? What's wrong with your nose? I don't think I have a hot chick nose. Well, it depends on who you... She's not going to get your nose. You have a fine... Yeah, your nose is fine.

You have the chickiest nose here. Look at these bees. I've got a big nose. You've got a Roman nose. I had my nose... Yeah, you've got a nice nose. I told this on Shane's pod, but I got beat up by a lobsterman,

broke my nose so severely, didn't get it fixed. It looks better. I've since had a very traumatic rhinoplasty. What? Sorry, dude. No, I'm with you. Dude, it's...

I mean, it... Traumatic rhinoplasty. Well, it was supposed to be like a... I don't know how bad the pain was, but it was worth it. I've never heard those two words combined. You've got a great doctor. Have you guys had a lot of surgeries in your lives? No, I should have gotten my nose done.

Why? Stop talking about your nose. Your nose is fine. All right, all right. gotten my nose done. Why? Stop talking about your nose. Your nose is fine. All right, all right. Guys, I'm not that self-conscious about my nose. I'm saying I broke it when I was a kid. I was playing tag with my brother and my friends. And I got tagged, but I went to jail or whatever.

And they put a baseball bat behind my head like this and through my arms. And as I was walking into my house i tripped and fell into slate stairs slate stairs and fucking cracked it and it was just gushing blood and then my my friends had locked the door was the bat still locked yeah yeah my friends had locked the door yeah yeah my friends had locked the door and uh like they were like locking me out and i was like pounding on the window and they were like, they were like, we're not opening it. And we had these little like these little, I guess, blinds, but they're like these little things covering like the windows on the side of the door.

And I'm like pounding on it. And I remember my friend like I could hear him laughing and then he pulled the blind back and saw me like just and he was like yeah yeah so what happened so i can't breathe out of my nose really so i had broken my nose badly but i didn't get it fixed so all of the whole nose had shifted and all the bones had healed around the left nostril and closed it so i for for like probably eight years of my life i could not breathe out of my left nostril and the only reason that i realized that this was a real problem was that the first time i ever did cocaine i did it through my working nostril and everyone and the people i was with were like now do the other nostril if you're gonna do more and i tried and i was just sitting over it and like nothing was the line wasn't going anywhere and i was like i'm i'm i feel like i'm

trying and they're like what are you doing like do it you bitch you're wasting our and i'm like i'm just gonna do the right one again um so all the whatever i had to go get a surgery to to get it fucking because they were they told me that um what do they take just like a chisel and fucking do they i'm i'm telling you they tell you like if you're if you can't breathe out of one of your nostrils then you're all night every all sleeping i'm doing with my mouth open and i'm dehydrated when i wake up in the morning every single morning because i'm breathing out of my mouth yeah like you have a cold and so i got it done my nose and uh the guy broke it and i'm telling you i think he broke it with like a hammer yeah i mean it was like look we're gonna start from scratch were you up no fully out but the surgery took. What? It was like a super long surgery.

And the problem is you're lying flat on your back. And they have, I think, like a... They do the surgery, but all your septum feeds into your stomach. Right. So all the blood, there's so much capillaries and stuff in your face. All the blood goes into your stomach. And then at the end of the surgery, they're supposed to, I think,

vacuum all the blood out of your stomach because your stomach cannot digest blood. It's a really interesting thing where if there's a lot of blood in your stomach, your body has this warning mechanism of being like, hey, something inside you is bleeding. And so you throw,

you throw it up. I disagree with almost every step of this process. Well, they, they forgot to vacuum the blood and they should have one of those hoses. Like when you're at the dentist to take the saliva, it should just be like hooked around the back of your nose. Just sucking that shit up.

Yeah. And they, and they just didn't do that or they didn't get it all. And I remember waking up, you know, they're waking you you up they're like kind of smacking you in the face or whatever and they're like wake up wake up get up but they're hitting your nose where the fuck am i my face is packed with gauze and i'm in the recovery room area and i'm telling my mom's there and the doctors and they're like okay you're good to go and i'm like i cannot i'm so nauseous like i cannot go anywhere yeah i'm not ready to go and they're like well you gotta go

and so we get in an uber and we went down the west side i was mount sinai hospital hospital and we went to my sister's apartment in like 18th and 5th. And we walked in. We got out of the Uber. I'm sick the whole way. And I get up into her apartment and went into the bathroom and grabbed a metal wastebasket. Oh, no. And I brought it to my face so quickly because I was about to throw up. And I smashed my face, my nose, with the metal wastebasket, bringing it to my face.

And as I threw up all this blood from my stomach, all the packing in my nose came out. Because I was throwing up so violently. So all the packing, and I'm talking tons of gauze that's packed way deep into your nose. Oh, my God. Comes out of my nose. This is surgery that ended an hour before. Oh, my. comes out of my nose this is surgery that ended an hour before oh my my face is is pouring blood you know as if as if there's a tap it's bleeding like the bud dwyer suicide oh there's blood coming

out of my nose and my mouth in like in a way where i thought i i'm like if we don't stop this i will die yeah that's the only time i've ever had that level of blood. And my sister came in at that moment. My mom was with me. And my sister's like, how did it go? And she's like, we are not in a good place. You need to call 911. And so we called an ambulance.

And they brought me back to the hospital. And they had to fucking stuff it oh that was hell did you stuffing the gauze back up my nose they didn't put you back under for that no but like i was so raw i mean my nose keep in mind my nose is in shambles like it's got metal stints or something in it like it was oh my your face is so sensitive yes in that area and oh that that was that's what i remember from my nose job how's it feel now breathing good so fixed and i have to say it was worth it because of the results but uh i i just when i think of like, I know, I know, you know, Instagram influencer model girls who have gotten nose jobs and they're like, yeah, that's tough for a couple of days, you know? Yeah. And I'm like, I went through fucking war.

That was the worst wound I've ever had. Well, that's covered because it's not considered cosmetic, right? So you got a little insurance help? I think so. Yeah. I think I did. If it's just cosmetic, they're like So you got a little insurance help? I think so, yeah. I think I did, yeah. If it's just cosmetic, they're like, you pay for it, you big.

The ultimate irony of that was that in that same surgery, there was an ear, nose, throat doctor who had taken, I had two procedures done under the same anesthesia. And I had these polyps on my vocal cords, which were making me very hoarse, just from like talking on stage all the time.

Yeah. And so he went in first and just scraped those off and then the nose thing started and then they biopsied when they whenever they take something out of your body they bite send it to the lab they biopsied the polyps and they came back as cancerous tumors and this was while i was doing barcel idol at barcel so this was like a month after that surgery and on the third day of that competition was when i found out that they had discovered cancer on my on my throat cancer so holy shit yeah and and i went to the hospital to get the news i went back up to mount the hospital to get the news. I went back up to Mount Sinai to get the news from the ear, nose, and throat doctor.

Dr. Peek Woo was his name. Then I came back. Did he say you had a nice body? I was definitely the best part of his day. But you're thrilled. I got back to Barstool. I had been crying because i had to tell my parents you know that i had cancer yeah and i went on kevin clancy's radio show as like a test thing because we were all like auditioning for the the job and he was like are you okay and i was like

no man i don't know i just got some really weird news. He goes, I swear to God. He goes, you're not about to tell me you have cancer, are you? And I was like, I think so. Oh, my God. And then it became this thing where it was like I had been diagnosed with cancer on day three of this five-day competition. And I sort of like ran with it and sort of turned it into content. It's the only thing you can do yeah i won the contest won the job and then two weeks later that doctor

called and said they had discovered that the tests that they had found the cancerous malignancies in had female dna and belonged to a woman and they had swapped my sample. Oh my God. Mount Sinai lab with hers. Oh my God. So this poor woman was told she doesn't have cancer. Either. And they had to call her up and she wasn't even in an idol contest. She wasn't even winning money.

Yeah. Dude, either, either, either she had cancer, got my clean sample and was like, miraculously you're cured. Oh my God. And then they had to go back on that or she didn't know she had cancer, got my clean sample, and was like, miraculously, you're cured. Oh, my God.

And then they had to go back on that. Or she didn't know she had cancer and found out like three weeks later than she should have. Holy shit. In which case, that's the person who should be suing. Because everyone's like, you should sue. You were falsely diagnosed with cancer. Yeah. But the point of this is, Portnoy and the whole crew over there ran with the narrative

that i had faked cancer to get a job at barstool shut that plagued me for like the first year and a half that i was there were you able to provide did you get pete woo on the on the horn i dude i i'm not kidding you i got the uh the lab report from mount sinai and and i got them to fax it to me i scanned it and then i blogged it to prove that I wasn't lying and nobody cared. They were like, you made this document up yourself. They thought it was funnier that

I would have faked cancer. They thought that was a funnier thing. This played into your firing. No. By the time I got fired, all of that had been nobody cared about that anymore. It was a rough start. Let's put it that way.

It was always on the back of your mind and your fucked up nose that they didn't treat you right. That is an important lesson in comedy. Whatever's funniest is true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's all that matters. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's all that matters. Yeah. If you can get hit by a bus,

somehow come out without any major injury, you're like, I got a new bit. Yeah. But I always wondered. I just got smoked by a fucking septa bus. Would I have been served better comedically owning what they were telling me I had done? That I had faked cancer.

Being like, that's right, I did, motherfuckers. No way. And this is how far I took it. No way. I got a doctor to make a fake lab report. Because I think that's so dark that if I had owned it, or pretended like I had done that, then I would have never.

You had to fight it. That more is your character beyond comedy, and that's just not worth it. So then you do. Didn't you couldn't you can't i would have well that more you had to fight more is your character beyond comedy and that's just not worth it that's yeah so then you do didn't you agree there is a limit oh no there's 100 a limit i'm just saying that that's a painful like that's a painful thing to realize is that whatever like people will run with whatever is the funniest thing or the most sensational thing and now what's true because and even if you're like no no it's all fake they're like yeah yeah but this is such a good bit yeah right this is such a good bit that we're gonna keep hammering this is worth the squeeze yeah i feel i mean there absolutely are people like that there's gonna fake cancer for likes and attention yeah which is insane yeah yeah what about that isn't that one kid who got that like hbo? Didn't he kind of do that?

Who? There was a kid who got an HBO special. He said he was dying? Yeah. And he was on Ellen and got an HBO special. And then he was fine.

He said he had a couple years to live or some shit. Yeah. A very limited amount of time and his his wish was to have a comedy special. Yeah. And they're always like

let's get fucking Charlie a special. And then this dude just ripping and roaring in Chicago right now. It's Chicago I think. I don't know. I don't I don't know

how well he's doing or if he's even doing comedy at all. Yeah. He probably actually is dead. I don't I don't dead. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. This is a story he would have ran three years ago.

This is, again, the thing where it's like a couple, yeah, it's like this will just come up in conversation every once in a while, and someone will just tell you something, and you'll be like, yeah, that's okay. You know? Like, no, he had this other type of, like, it's cancer technically,

but it's not actually. You'll get stuff like that like i don't know is there i don't is there a version of that give anyone the fucking special yeah yeah who cares none of it matters he did open it by saying i better die otherwise people are gonna be mad oh my god he didn't open this special i think saying that which is who was this guy i don't know actually there's no real way tell. I think he's changed his name or something. Yeah. It was a black dude, right?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, interesting. I'll look it up. We'll talk about it on the second page. I got to piss. All right. Yeah. You sticking around?

You sticking around for the page? Sure. Yes, dude. Do you want me to? We'd love to. Shut up. We'd love to have you. Okay, cool.

I'll hang up. I want to talk about moguls and fucking weird noses. So you're saying it wasn't a Roman nose? You got a Roman nose. What does that mean? I don't know what that means. It's what Italians call Jew noses. Really?

Do I have a... Really? Yeah, you got a big, powerful nose. You have a nose that looks like it's been chiseled in marble, like one of those heads that sits out in front of a museum, a natural science museum. Yeah, it's a prominent beak for sure but it was powerful it was much it's the face worse before it it used to have a big bump right here yeah that's what i got oh so they chipped off the excessive flattened it out a little and they just really the big thing they

did was they opened up this nostril they cleared out all is that the story you told on matt and shanes you told the actual Lobsterman story? The story I just told now I have not told. On the Patreon, can you tell the actual Lobsterman fighting story? You want me to tell that again? Well, it's on the Patreon. Isn't 100% of your listeners from Matt and Shane's? Can you believe he takes a shot

like that? I'm fucking real that's so rude he's acting like I won't break his nose a second time yeah that'd be another traumatic plyo man no problem

living in the halo it's a rhino shut up