Stuff Island - Stuff Island #20 - farting next to an ugly pug w/ Greg Stone

Episode Date: March 23, 2022

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On paper I've been gay my whole life. On paper? On paper. Like, I was a straight edge rollerblader who drinks Bud Light. Right. Wait till this whole cast sees my, the fans see my shirt. They're gonna be like, this guy is also gay on paper. On paper. Yeah, yeah, go ahead. On communism. Like communism, it works on paper. Yeah.

But, you know, but, so it's like, I just gave up. I went, all the things I love are things everyone hates. Yeah. So why am I gonna stop? I'm gonna be me. I'm gonna drink fun light. I'm gonna put a lime in it. I'm gonna be on my rollerblades. I'm gonna swish squash around town. You know what I mean?

Just fuck it. You know? What year was this where you go, you know, I wanna be me. I'm tired of all the bullshit. Where were you raised? Bloomfield, New Jersey. Block out of Newark and East Orange,

about 30 minutes away. Perfect. Same cesspool like we're out from Where you're not allowed To have these feelings You're not allowed To dress a certain way You're always gonna get

Your ass ripped On the fucking Basketball court As soon as you I feel like inner city whites Always dress kind of fancy What's your definition of fancy? Like a

Saturday night fever The life Dude I wish I don't know Where your life is I'll tell you where it's like I wanna be this guy I wanna be this guy Chris walks into an empty room that's dark with dust in it and he picks up an old sweatshirt and goes this is perfect so anything that's clean is Saturday Night Fever. That's what I'm saying. I see someone with like new clothes on. It's like, yeah, man. Is there a wedding at this coffee club?

You got a fucking iron shirt on for some reason? Yeah, ironing a shirt is chaos. Yeah. But no, I do agree with this because I I think it's important as well, like finding that that year or that that's that decision to just go. I don't give a fuck. I'm out. Yeah I'm gonna do whatever that I feel is okay Yeah, and that could be on the spectrum of like, you know, like my dad That's just like I'm gonna wear three shirts and smell like cigarettes my whole life Or like somebody's gonna be eccentric. Yeah, yeah you know i mean like the junkie i mean it's a

weird weird thing but like the heroin addict junkie who just went fuck it you know i'm gonna just be on heroin gotta respect for yes part of me goes your life's in the garbage but the most of me goes respect dog yes i fist pound every homeless guy i go you're doing it how many of those died the only need it was one fist bump to go, this is going to be the shot. This is going to be the shot that's going to end my fucking career because somebody gave me confidence.

It's like surprisingly the most Republican take. It's like, no, he's made a creative choice. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be homeless. I literally fist bumped him and his hand turns to sand like Thanos snapped him and he just blows away. When you think about it, this this is gonna sound way too crazy but like how long is the universe been around right eternity right then you think about how long we live within that span 80 years yeah what the fuck is living 30

instead of 80 yeah shoot heroin yes dude shoot it dude i'm not kidding you you get me first of all i'm drooling that's because they did heroin yesterday usually your taste buds come back but i get i get fucking i get nuts about this this type of mentality because when you're chris back to your point like the suburban mentality of going like it's not it's not like a cesspool of media mediocrity it's a it's a mediocrity uh it's a mediocre mentality where it's like you have to abide by the rules of all of it and if you start to be an individual you get cornered and bullied out of being an individual very early in life so then it's like being gay in the 80s or 90s it's like i can't

talk about this right you know You know, meanwhile, like, all I want to do is wear fucking yellow Converse to sixth grade. And I want to wear fucking yellow. I couldn't wear yellow Converse because I couldn't get down my steps in my own living room without getting my balls busted

by my two brothers and my dad and my mom going, oh, no. Like, everybody's like, you can't be, you can't do this. And as you get older, sorry, Chris, as you get older, it'll be done in about 25 minutes. I know.

This isn't the first. My family wouldn't let me wear clothes I wanted to wear. Randomly. I'm glad he brought it up organically. Because it takes decades to get this off your fucking chest and your mind and go, I like a lime in my Bud Light. I don't agree. Yeah.

Have you really tasted it? Yeah, I have. And deliciousness didn't encompass your soul? No. Really? No. Or is it the shit? Are you worried someone's going to judge you?

No, no, no. I mean, I drink Trulies and fucking I smoke watermelon candy vapes. I don't give a fuck about anything. You know what I mean? I'm off the rails, man. His mouth has been what I mean? I'm off the rails, man. His mouth has been dead for years, man. But I just, I'm not a big lime guy. Right.

A hint. Yeah. A hint. All right, if you don't like me, I'm not going to push it on you. Maybe on a chip, but look, if they're at a party, I'll drink them. Right.

Do you hate the summer? No, I like the summer. I like the summer. Because it's the flavor of the summer. Yes, dude. I actually agree with this. I hate that I agree with this. the summer i know i like the summer because it's the flavor of the summer yes dude not 2022 though the flavor of the summer 2022 is grapefruit yeah everybody in this room because we're all on the beach together every weekend that we're available yeah maybe during the week we'll do a week trip monday morning beach best fucking beach

buddy shut up this is great monday morning this is great i got a subaru forester i could fit 100 motherfuckers oh my god do we all have to be gay women we all have to be gay women see this is exactly what we're talking about what do you mean shut me down right yeah yeah you're right why can't he drive why can't he be a gay woman everyone can Everyone can be a game woman. It's a Forester sport, okay? So watch your goddamn mouth. That's a butch dyke. It's got red trim. And it beeps if I swerve into the wrong lane.

Yes. It's very good for drinking. Big fan of Subarus. My mother had a Subaru growing up. Gay woman? Yeah. Huh? Gay woman.

No, my mother. She was straight. I just realized. I'm sorry. I know. I was doing a thing. I went, don't insult the best mother. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. He was like, butch dyke. And then you're like, your mom's gay. And he was like. I'm not disturbed. Cut it.

Cut it. Dude, maybe that's why. Fuck. Maybe that's why she wouldn't let me wear the yellow converse. She's like, where are my yellow converse? If I can't do it and you can't, you're not going to out-gay me. The matriarch. If I can't be myself.

3-2-1 Cheswold. Let me answer your question before, though. I took my Adderall today, so I'm fucking on it. Flying. Just so you know. You're flying. I remember when I made the choice because I was straight edge growing up and everybody shit on me for it.

But I grew up around a lot of heroin and shit. So I was like, I was worried about what it would become, right? Then I started drinking and the first drink I ever had was a Malibu Bay Breeze. And I was like, this is delicious. Yes. And then people were like, yo, you're gay drinking that shit? I went, you're fighting deliciousness in the war. Whose side are you on?

Right. Non-delicious or delicious? True. I stand with delicious. Yes. And I said, I love people who shine you for those clothes. go like you get older you go oh all of you were stupid anyway so you're all wrong walking off the cliff yeah I'm here on more blades drinking sweet-ass drinks enjoying it until I die fuck are you they're all

stupid yeah I've taken an alternate strategy now now they'll be like it's too much sugar yeah them and you're like, I know what you're trying to do. But I'll tell you what, too much sugar, you call me too sweet? If you go to like a real like cocktail bar, you can find all those flavors that will explode the way he's speaking without the sugar. They just find certain liqueurs. They don't put, you know, simple syrups and shit like that. But it doesn't have the same. Well, you can't get without the sugar. Yeah. They just find certain liqueurs. They don't put, you know, simple syrups and shit like that. But it doesn't have the same.

Well, you can't get in the VFW. They're not expanding their palate in the fucking, a Polish American club. Dude, I had a comedian. And also,

if I go too fast, you just tell me to shut the fuck up. No, this is great. This is the speed we want. Good, good, good.

Also, it's like looking in the mirror. It's also, I can't believe you showed up here on performance enhancing drugs. Also, we're sitting the exact we want. Good, good, good. Also, this is... It's like looking in the mirror. It's also, I can't believe you showed up here on performance enhancing drugs. Also, we're sitting the exact same way. I know. This is not great.

I'm doing this. I know. Talking to Greg is like, I fucking love this kid so much. It's like... He don't even know who I am, by the way. Who cares? That's the point.

Your name will be in the... That's the point. On the bottom. When I talk to you, we're both speedy and we both have like emotional vulnerability. It's like two deli owners going through inventory during Christmas. Like we know we haven't made. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. God. Wait, what? Yeah. You were saying something. Were you the character? Yeah.

No, no. I was dead to you. I was trying to compliment you before I interrupted you. You can't interrupt then compliment because then everything's confused. I'm also not on Adderall. I know, I know. I'm flying. You just said

two deli owner thing I thought was going somewhere. No, it's not. That's it. That's how I describe this kid. It is a compliment. You remind me of a deli owner. I would be insulted

if it wasn't 100% accurate. Yes. If it wasn't exactly who I'm trying to be. What's your favorite sandwich? That's the girl I'm going for. Please, you kidding me? It's called The Germ.

The restaurant closed down. It is, it was at A&F, it was the best sandwich. It was eggplant. You know how I'm getting more Italian as I speak? Even as I tell you,

my finger goes up. It was eggplant, fresh mozz, chicken cutlet, hot sauce and ranch dressing on a hero. It was, get the fuck out of here.

Really? Is eggplant sautéed? It was a breaded fried eggplant and it was the best eggplant in New York fucking city. And the place is gone now and every day I shed one tear when I wake up.

Oh my God. Did you make it for yourself ever? No, I haven't had it since it went out. That's a pothead. Look at this. I could do this. I could absolutely do this for you. Yeah?

Yeah, I have a cooking show on this channel called Look at This. How do I get on this? Huh? Oh, my God. My bad. How do I get on this? Just keep doing it. Just keep doing it.

Keep being you, baby. I had a sandwich at this place called The Stone Zone. And it wasn't my favorite sandwich. It was like a turkey ensemble thing. Named it to you? It was named. Yeah. I went in.

The day I did Gotham Comedy Live on AXIS TV channel 5000 yeah did that Johnny go Johnny the deli girl goes hey we got a celebrity here you're getting a sandwich which was called the stone zone I ordered it every day even though I hated it it was good it was like it was almost like a Reuben it was like a Russian dressing coleslaw turkey it was like a rubin with turkey yeah it was good but it just wasn't the germ which was that and the 718 which he had to oh it was another fucking get the fuck out of your sandwich did he ask you like what you're into before naming a sandwich after you he was like all the ones you like are taken he goes what's like i go how about this i go i love that and he goes yeah but it's

like your fifth place sandwich yeah so it's fine it was good be nice if he interviewed you and like well what it well you know what is your quintessential meat your protein I mean he really did he was like he had so many sandwiches he was like he was like you know you know I see you was like cuz it gotta be light cuz you're light you're big but you're light you know he's like you're not too fat like this that's what I should have said that's what I meant by doing yeah this is what he did he gave me the full thing and then he goes this is how i envision it and it was like something i was like yeah i do love that i just don't love it number one so it's like you know what i mean

yeah yeah it's still an honor yeah what an honor what an honor and it shows the kind of heart and character you have because i would have to order that every single fucking time do you know everybody in your neighborhood do you go walk around being like oh tony or whatever uh he's making fun of me by the way he does this yeah yeah mikey wills yeah mikey does rule i'm saying we have a similar like to be friends with everybody i want everyone to know me uh energy i love that i walk in i go to his fucking make people feel warm yeah make them feel warm why not yes well this is also my outside activities are full of shame yeah so i don't want to know inside yeah yeah there's no yeah yeah shameful existence so i don't want to be bumping into people what do you i'd like to get two things i want to put a flag in two things one i want to

tell you about the most shameful thing i've been doing lately that I'm now saying, no, I'm proud of it. We'll get to that in a second. Two, I have something else I got in the back. I got a lot of things in the back. But I need to know what's shameful. What shame are you doing? I need to get this.

I feel like if I'm outside most of the time, I'm either unshowered and scrambling to get something done for something else that is happening later in the day, you know, or I'm stumbling around drunk. Two characteristics. I'm either unshowered or drunk if I'm outside. Which is the last thing I want to be doing is like seeing Mike. Mike see me like that. Also Mike is the guy that owns a laundromat which cleans his dirty, shitty underwear.

And by the way, I don't know if you guys know this, but 99% of the laundromats in this neighborhood do free pick up and drop off. I don't know if you know know this, but 99% of the laundromats in this neighborhood do free pickup and drop off. I don't know if you know that. You don't have to bring it to them. They will pick... Every one of my laundromats comes to my home. I can't do that. Yeah, I can't do that either.

It's too much disrespect. We're too close to the place. It's five... It's like a three minute walk. You're paying a guy. You take care of me. I ain't disrespecting you. No, it's the joy you get by dropping off saying

hello me it's just like i gotta do something first of all the way you gotta do some speak as if you're gonna say something else and then you don't you know what the joy of dropping it no i'm like your face is telling me you got more i thought you froze. No, my point, like, there's a, I want to talk to him. I want to say hi. But they come to your house and you talk to them. The guy comes to my house, I go, Bron, his name is Bron.

I go, Bron, how you doing? How far away are you from the, this is great. I would honestly say 634 feet. How far is that of a walk for you at your pace? For me, if I i was to at my pace one minute and 37 seconds oh my god right but i got a baby now yeah i've been doing this since before the baby i'm a lazy piece of shit it's the best part about having a baby you can cancel yeah no they bring it to you to bring it back it's just they fold it it's it's nice it's like

let's be adults let's be men let's let's be men you take it to you. They bring it back. It's just they fold it. It's nice. It's like, let's be adults. Let's be men. Let's be men. You take it to me. Yeah. Just because of your mentality. You're like, carry your bags. No. Pay a man. I pay people for the shit I don't want to do anymore.

I pay. I do. I pay for the wash and fold. Drop it off. Yeah. Know your worth for your hour. Right? I'm dead serious.

I fucking. You're a fucking maniac. I can't. this you know it's your hourly rate I can't stress this enough I'm not gonna sit around for two and a half three hours waiting to see and worry about if if my, my yellow Converse are going to get stolen while flopping around in a dryer. You can't just drop it off, wash it, come back, even though it's close. Dude, it's a dollar per pound. Yeah.

A dollar per pound. Yeah, it is crazy. You got to buy detergent. You got to stick around. You got to fold it yourself. You got to do all these things. What does that time mean to you? Even if you're doing nothing,

but playing fucking video games or something. You're trying to convince me to do drop-off. I'm trying to convince you to do less than drop-off. I'm telling you, bring it to the guy. The guy comes to your fucking door and you grease him. I know. I grease him regardless. You gotta grease him.

Ain't no problem with greasing in this house. I gotta be. You grease it on my couch right now. You fucking, you tit-a-long. No, greasing. You're fucking. You're greasing. You're tit-a-long. No, the whole thing is- You got to install. I need to change the scenery as well.

I like to get out and about. Anytime I don't have to be in this fucking room, I want to leave. And this was before quarantine. I got to get the fuck out. Get up, go to the gym, come back, shower, get the fuck out and find a way to make any hour disappear. And if that takes 10 minutes to talk to my laundromat mike or go to my nutrition guy or talk to the c-town lady i fucking love it

yeah i love it i'm shaking hands like a fucking like the beginning of an 80s sitcom and i'll never stop doing it because it makes me feel warm i think it makes them feel warm yeah unless i'm you know spitting old cocaine through my teeth let me open up a new style for you, though. Yeah. Right? Because I was like, look, I say you do the drop off. But instead of now having to go to the laundromat and be the mayor, be the mayor somewhere else. Knock on your next door neighbor's house.

Be like, hey, what's going on in here? Very dangerous. How you doing? I'm the Pope. I'm next door. How you doing? Hey, how are you? How you guys doing?

How are you? And then when they say whatever, you go, no. How are you? Yeah. Just keep asking until they cry whatever you go no how are you yeah just keep asking until they cry dude good morning style good will start no i mean how are you yeah i know how are you yes good morning don't you do this not now not you not you not you yeah we are just this arab dude going not Tom. Do not do this, Tom. He starts beating the fuck out of me on Thursday. What I would give to be able to insert a montage of your guys' daily interactions, like 30 seconds later with that person and being like, fucking God.

Yeah, God. That guy sucks. Yeah, yeah, fuck. I got to walk 600 feet to drop this guy's laundry off. Can't leave the shop. I'm good with reading energy on people's faces. Of course. I think that's a huge trait that I think I'm very good at.

And I know who to utilize my time with and expend my time. And I'm like, this person deserves it. Guy, girl, child, whatever the fuck it is. Like, I want to talk to this person. I'm going to sit around, even if i have somewhere to go and this is so so disrespectful to like their time but like i feel like i'm gonna touch them in a way it's like i want them to feel good i want me to feel good and if we have an exchange that we both feel good in that moment you walk away going shit i thought today going to suck. It doesn't suck.

Yeah. I just fucking rubbed the head of a five-year-old, you know what I mean? Said hi to his dad. We talked about some random ass sports. I told him the Rangers suck dick. And then I skedaddle on my way. Dude, you have no idea how much that is my life. Yes, I do. I have a game I like to play, which is how quick can I introduce myself?

So it's usually it's how I was gonna make a bunch of videos this where I would just kind of walk around and be like weather's crazy Greg stone I can get to Greg stone over here you don't like but I love like just wait at the light look at it this wind is windy fucking you you believe this fucking wind he wants there every day at the same god damn time again with the wind how you doing Greg Stump and sometimes you meet a guy

who is also that and it's the best and they go the weather they go the fucking weather and go hey and you just explode into happiness now you're fucking rolling dice in the corner

it's great now you're starting to softball me he's never played before yeah big fan man and that part load into happiness. Now you're fucking rolling dice in the corner. It's great. Now you're starting to softball me. He's never played before. Yeah. Big fan, man. And that part, I think these kind of people,

I think we're getting kind of shut out in today's society. Yeah. I want to say because of the Me Too age, but it's not even really Me Too, but like, especially in New York,

you're not, it's not supposed to be this kind of friendly and it throws people off, but I'm like, no, that means we have to work harder. We have to work harder.

For the love of God, give us a break. Jesus Christ. No, you're right. And this is why, this is, you're right though, at the same time. I've never once had an interaction with someone that I've been like, I really touched that person. I've never even thought about it being possible. Trust me, neither did I. Even if it's required for a transaction, I'm like, every second I stay in this, their days gets worse. Dude, when you're just trying to get in and out as fast as possible again. Yeah.

Yeah. I actually, I don't like when you come to the laundry. I don't. If you have to drop laundry at the same time i'm like just walking in every little storm cloud you wilt flowers and you walk past and do this plant would be through the sky you didn't have to see me every day my wife is the same way my wife hates so we have this weird thing uh i run we have this weird thing in my life where i don't know anything about bills I don't know

how much money I make I don't know where all I do is I give her the same amount of money every month and she pays everything

and in turn she doesn't have to talk to anyone I talk to the Chinese food guy I talk to the laundromat I talk to all customers

that all goes through me she doesn't want to talk she's like a cat when you come if you come to my house

you can come to my house you will not see her she was like she'll be on the roof fucking

just hanging on you will not she's. She'll be on the roof. She's hanging on. You will not. She's like Batman. Batman begins when those ninjas are just everywhere. It's like, that's my wife. She comes to the coffee shop. I have, because I bring the baby.

Oh, my God. You've got to get a baby. First of all. It's everyone. It seems to be weaponized. Dude, it's really it. I swear to God, man. It's the last thing you need.

It really is. It's an aerosol. Dude, anytime the baby's sleeping, he just pulls a puppy out of his shirt. One's down, here's another. Dude, I held the baby. Everyone goes, ah. It just brings people in. They think I'm safe now because I'm keeping this kid alive. Yeah.

You know, it's like amazing. My wife comes in the other day. The baby is five. He's been in the it's like amazing. My wife comes in the other day. The baby is five. He's been in the coffee shop three times. My wife comes in. I go, Tina. Right. And she goes, then this woman next to me, 97 year old lady, Joanne goes, oh, Tina.

She starts talking to her. My wife's like, who's that? I'm like, that's John. That's Joanne. She's from Malta. That's Spencer. He's the cashier. I tip him big every time.

Everyone knows the baby's name everyone knows my name my wife if my wife comes in she has no idea she's like they're all already your friends

because I've made friends with all of these people already amazing yeah it's the best dude you set the table for life set the table

this is unbelievable yes this could be a job you know what I mean like a concierge in life life concierge a life concierge so you could somebody can hire greg stone and go look i have this family party i'm going to and i don't know anybody could you infiltrate this this whole system i want you to set meetings with all these people

tell them about me so when i walk in that room i'm fucking starting qb of that fucking part i'm already ready to go. I'm warmed up. Yeah. They can ask me about my, you know, my part-time job on the side, washing cars and dogs and stuff. Yeah. This is a valuable thing. And it's about first people like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need a table set. Do you have a girlfriend or wife or anything? Yeah. Girlfriend. What's her... So I believe a sniper needs to be aligned with a Gatling gun.

So I am a Gatling gun. I don't stop talking. 100%. My wife is a sniper. You're clearly a sniper. That's why you and Tommy work well together. Yes, yes, yes. Right?

This guy doesn't shut the fuck up. You wait for your shots. He says a bunch of things. Who knows? You just go... These are literally the roles we play in our VR. Military game. That's how I select my gun.

I am suppressed with a scope and a laser and Tom literally has a Gatling gun I run out of bullets

I can't reload it I can't reload it dude that's me and Anthony DeVito dude that's so funny Anthony DeVito my best friend that guy

he just sits and he waits and I just come to a house going and he goes look at this asshole right

it's like that's our dynamic. But it's the same dynamic I have with my wife. My wife is very like, she waits for her shot. She kind of handles bills and numbers. I come in screaming. And I think those are the best relationships. Yes.

You and I have to be. I don't have that. You're just like, I'm going to bring up with my girlfriend. No, just kidding. Oh, no, totally. I mean, yeah. I'm very much, I don't want to. Like that situation you were describing

of like, you're going into the coffee shop and knowing everybody. Yeah. And then, you know, if we knew, I'd be like, oh, fuck. Like, I've been farting in here. I thought these were just strangers. See, that's. Now they're people I know and I can't be just terrible. Let me throw this at you.

Yeah. See, there's two ways to live life you can fart in a coffee shop and then go fuck everyone's looking at me or you can fart and go how you doing own it you only farting i mean here we're having a good time right like i know the guy who goes like it's like yeah you people may judge you but life is easier my dad is a maniac. My dad, one day we were in a restaurant. I don't remember.

I don't remember exactly where this was. My dad farted so loud by accident. He just goes, he goes, hey, who let the ducks in here? Like he's claiming ducks are in the, like it was so, everyone started laughing. And I'm like, oh, that's the best way to get out of that situation. Claim ducks. You know what I mean? It's out of control i got one

hit me anytime you need to steam out in public you always go for the small the small dogs if you see like a like a pug with a lazy eye yeah you you bend down you pet that fat bag of shit and you let a steamer out nobody's blaming blaming you. I know. You know that pug that looks like Bill Cosby? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. That fucking, you steam out right in front of that pup

and you go, oh my God. How old is he? You're good. You let out all the lunch and you're fine. No, I just, I just let him fly.

Yeah, I know you do. You are a rogue tutor good he wrote toots no nothing better than a windy day no no no no no no no no no craig let's reel it back in uh-huh everything you said so far was fucking spot on you don't rogue toot around here yeah you do no no no there's what are you gonna do hold it in yes good for you yeah you hold it yes it is yeah you know you can hold in a whole diary and it'll become solid in like 10 hours she told you that i've done it many many times that's the cure for cholera no anytime i got a liquid you know liquid fire off coming out i'm like just pinch you pinch go about your day look at like clothes go fucking window shop

or something get out it becomes a mass and then you can grab it and then you put it in the fridge you never made bread before just in case that next diary comes you put that in dude you ever time i i will time farts with big laughs on stage oh i like you're tooting on stage oh yeah oh yeah you got a fart on stage no dude i will do it in a way of like i'm like and that's where the bitch lives dude you were z's and sorry's here too is this true shit yes absolutely time a fart i'll tell a fart with other people getting laughs on stage Like I'm in a comedy club. It's like I know laughs come in let it out now. Yeah, you know

Yeah, I've done that before. Yeah sure in the audience. Yeah. Yeah that one go I used to work in er the big move was you just kind of like to your dog situation You just go into an old person with dimensions room. You fart there do i swear god this is a true story i remember one time i farted so bad in this old woman's room the nurse's aide came in and went oh no and then she started pulling the old lady to change sorry sorry about that which was you know on her way out meanwhile she's like this dude just killed him yeah so you're in scrubs walking in these in these there's no better feeling than farting in scrubs really it's like so soft so comforting yeah it's nice like a sundress like snorting a tent like a sundress yeah every minute you open your mouth, I want to learn more about you. I just, it's so like, like a sundress.

I wish there was a seatbelt on that couch, dude. Because you don't have enough time or patience to fucking unravel the skin skull. That's so funny. It will fuck you up. Yeah. I just like to think that that person with dementia woke up at that point and just saw a dude Standing still farting and it's like I'm still fucked I had a buddy that would like he would he always used to say it's not my brand

Like that's how I defended the toot in the room and you knew his brand I knew his brain cuz I was his best friend his dude's always had a like a a hue of like of like yeah i don't know like like a spice like a certain like nutmeg plus like his his home oh yeah yeah yeah i'm so sorry i don't understand the smell of the fart i smell the toot what's his brain right right right right right right we'll pull it back man okay you can't put't be for the furnace. Oh The cameras nice. Sorry. I didn't mean it. That's a little aggressive. No no no no no no But he would have a he'd be like it's not my brand so as soon as there was a tootin wrong Oh the fart is this brand? Yeah, I thought he would fart and be like that's my brand In a sense, it's what I do. It's what I am, hey. Yeah, being on brand with like being a fat fuck and being like, yeah, you just own it. That's a good life. That's like the heroin addict.

That's a good life. Yeah. A good life is being a hot skinny chick that just hangs out with a fat guy. Right. And she can rip ass all day long. Oh, right. Nobody's going, nobody's pointing at her. Just kill for it.

Just fucking cry. Even if she's got IBS or whatever, she's. Yeah. Just fucking crazy. Even if she's got IBS or whatever. You think a hot chick with IBS seeks out a fat friend the way like you know like basic white bitches try and find a gay best friend because they think it's cool. They wear like small pocketbooks or like cute toy dogs.

I bet there's a hot fucking a hot girl mentality going I need a fat friend because my butthole's been acting up the last 20 years. I guarantee they do it with girls. Like girlfriends. I bet you they I guarantee they do it with girls, like girlfriends. I bet you they guarantee you they hang out with girls who are fatter and uglier because, so they can fart and they can also look hotter.

I bet you. Yes, 100%. You gotta imagine. You gotta imagine that's the case. The old Pam and Spam mentality. Is it weird if I just get up and get another beer? Not at all. Not at all.

Can you grab me a Bud Light? There's one in the freezer, I think. I didn't know what to do with them. I couldn't put and get another beer. I'll get you another beer. Matt Burr, can you grab me a Bud Light? There's one in the freezer, I think. I didn't know what to do with them. I couldn't put them in my fridge. Because you're offended by the Bud Light? Totally offended. You hate Bud Light? Yeah, that's...

I don't hate Bud Light. I grew up on shitty fucking Pilsners. Yeah. But no, I just acquired a taste for... Yeah. For what? I'll only drink this shit if I'm on the beach and I run out of

like good beer and someone's like hey you wanna what's a good beer like what is that what are you drinking this is an IPA this is a Finbeck

active wisdom it's only 6% Finbeck's a great brewery local see I've tried I've tried the beers it's fine

like I tried I go okay and I went down I went the adventure I seeked out great stuff how big was i came back how was it to my old friend and there's and when you come back you realize how brilliant this creation was it's light it's light it's like you can drink a thousand of them and not get absolutely blacked out this is what you should be drinking uh they're they're

they're great they're like, they do taste pretty good. They're like oysters or air biscuits. Yeah, they're, yeah, saltine. It's fantastic. Yeah. I do like, like, because I'll get into the IPAs and then you get like bloated and it feels like you're just carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.

And then you switch back to a Bud Light or like Corona or Stella or something. It's not the beer that makes you feel that way. I love it. Yeah, yeah. All the walls start closing. Yeah, yeah. I think that was when you were numb.

Yeah, exactly. Look how dark you got. And all of a sudden your schizophrenia comes out of nowhere. I went, I spent like too much time in Colorado and just hit too many IPAs. And it was a point where like I would wake up the next morning and like not even be, I was hungry and couldn't eat. That's how like fucking bloated and just shitty I felt. And then I was like.

It's not for everybody. Are you a sober fella? No. Oh, okay. No, no, no, no, no. I've gone five days without drinking though. On purpose or just because? Yeah, yeah.

I was like, I need to, we drank, since we've started the podcast, I've drank literally every single day for three months it's been great I've been training for months there's a new podcast yeah it's about three months

two and a half three months yeah yeah you guys gotta come on my podcast we just run the same thing back you just come to my house it's not gonna be the same thing that's the best part

it'll be a different thing yeah it'll be a different thing yeah yeah yeah but dude he lives like fucking like less than a mile away yeah that's what I was saying

I was like how's the trip over he was like about eight minutes. Yeah I was like, oh shit, it's one of the things I knew you lived in a story, but I just kind of like I came over your and DeVito's house when I first moved here like seven years years ago Yes, when you guys live together, which wasn't that far either was towards dip Mars, right? That's where we live I live by I'm like a tell me where I live on a fucking podcast. So I always do that shit. Dude, me too.

Who cares? I know. What's going to happen? Tommy poses a picture of like a map. Oh, you have a baby. So it's like, I can't. All right, well, I can fight some fucking weird stranger on the corner. That's exactly what I want.

Yeah. Two five. Dude, I gave out my phone number on the Rad Dude cast, my old podcast. That's wrong. That's a bit. I gave it out seven years ago. Still, once a month, I get out my phone number on the Rad Dudecast, my old podcast. That's wrong. I gave it out seven years ago. Still, once a month, I get a phone call. And this is how much of that guy I am.

They go, hello? I go, hello? And they're like, is this real? I go, you're goddamn right it is. What are you doing? And they're like, I got to go. And I'm like, where are you going to go? I'll talk to you.

And once a month, I'll get a phone call from someone who goes to old Rad Dudecast episodes, gets my phone number, and I talk to them. Once a year. Wait, wait, wait. Yeah. So, number one, you put your phone number out with the intent of saying, I'll talk to you if you want to talk to me? I don't remember why we did.

Anthony and I both on our phones were like, fuck you, fuck me, I'll give you, I'll put my number out, I don't care. We just put it on. We're like, no, listen to this shit anyway. I had no idea that eventually our podcast would do well, you know? Yeah. But then we were like,

we can go back and edit it and we're like, no, our fans, that's the thing too is, I will say this, my fans are all very nice people, which is kind of cool.

Like, I don't know how that kind of happened. So everyone who mostly calls is respectful and they mostly think it's a joke. They mostly like, there's no way this is right or he's changed it.

It was seven years ago and I go, I have not changed it. Yeah. I had to tell one guy I changed it because he just called too much and he just died. So he was a really sweet guy. How did he not die? It was a whole thing.

It was like bad. He was a really good fan. You can't talk about it? I mean, I could talk about it. He was in a car accident. It was pretty fucked up. And he was just getting a little too drunk and calling too much. And so I was like, I had changed it.

But then he died. I'm like, I feel bad. I lied to him. Because he was a real sweet guy. Well, at least he didn't die while he was just getting a little too drunk and calling too much. And so I was like, I had changed it. But then he died. I'm like, I feel bad. I lied to him. Because he's a real sweet guy. Well, at least he didn't die while he was on the phone with you. I'm drinking and driving. Dude, are you kidding? That'll send our pod fucking.

We'll get at least a thousand more patrons if you die drinking. All of our fans are pretty nice, too. We have very nice fans. But they've got a little bit of like, they're like Liam Neeson taken kind of people. Where it's like, when they get pissed, they'll destroy motherfuckers. And be like, us sometimes too. I mean, we talked about this. Like percentage wise, if you're a podcast, the odds are you're going to get at least

10 to 15% of negative comments. We've been sailing in positivity yeah like in a ridiculous stuff i know the fact that i said this people are gonna pot like purposely like you suck yeah yeah we're but uh no it's it's been great people are we've also been in the scene for a while i mean like i've been on another podcast for three years and you know friends of ours of so they know what to expect so it's not like a brand new couple coming out and being like well fuck these guys you're right yeah let's make them earn it first it's like oh we've already been doing it in the trenches kind of thing so the earn it thing it's like who the fuck are you right earn it you are living in nebraska right fucking assistant

teacher garbage man over the fuck you know it's like what the fuck are you to say and who the fuck the idea that anyone thinks they can tell anybody anything yeah the fuck out of here with these fucking people some of these people it's like yeah you know comedy I've been doing a twenty fucking year I'm a so Italian right right I love it it's like it's it's crazy it's like wild the shit like you see I don't wanna name like radio shows But you'll see all the comments like this guy sucks this guy like who the fuck are you?

You have you're so broken that you need to feel better. Yeah by saying something. Yeah, you know, it's gonna make you feel even better killing yourself Absolutely kill yourself if you set up a login and password log in to just go this stinks kill yourself it's always those people though yeah it's always like the people that would like take the effort to just go yeah i don't i don't like this i used to like this it's like dude no one gives a fuck and it's always never it's never the person that like is paying for the Patreon. Right. You're watching a free hour of, I got to get off this cause I get, I get, I'm sorry, I get nuts dude.

Look at his hobby horse, a rocket dude. Yeah, I get fucking nuts. It's like- You'll be on this for a while. I backspace so many goddamn comments where it's like, oh, are you on the Patreon? Yeah. No. Then shut the fuck up and enjoy an hour of free entertainment every goddamn week.

The gall. The minute anyone says. The audacity. The fucking cojones on these cocksuckers. Sorry. Shout out to all the patrons and the fans. We love you guys. Yeah, comment. The minute someone says anything negative, I block them from all things.

I'm not even mad about it. Because it's like, on my Instagram, you get free content. If you're going to be a dick, I'm not giving you free content. Yeah, it's a good move. You don't get free content if you're gonna be a dick i'm not giving you free content yeah it's good you don't get free jokes anymore right that's fine i'm not mad at you yeah but i don't you don't get the free shit how do you block them on like watching our free shit on youtube there's only like two or three i can't bring myself to block i don't i just want to can't block i can't mute why because i want to see i know i get it i block. I can't mute. Why? Because I want to see. I know. I get it. I don't, like, I don't, I just, like, for some reason, if I mute someone else, I feel like they won.

No. Yeah. You win. Because, let me tell you this. I'd like to mute you right now, Chris. No, I can just page past it. Oh, that's fine. Yeah, just go past it.

But it's like, I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of a mute. Let me tell you why. You think I can't handle it? It's not that I love it. You think you're mute let me tell you why i can't handle it i love it you think you're better than me i see your world oh yeah i see your ideas i raise you yeah and it affects me none at all the reason i block too and i'm big on it too is it my instagram all that shit and my brand or whatever is like i want you to come to my page i want to bring enjoyment to people if people come on my shit and they see a bunch of negative that's also not just affecting me that's affecting my fans that's like that's making people crazy i want i want people to come

in and just be able to enjoy what they're getting and enjoy it like i don't give a if you think i'm not funny there's nothing to do with me i don't care right move on yeah why do you keep coming back and fucking commenting that no i like I like- That's his crazy person. When you see fans, like someone will make a negative comment and then other fans will be like, yo, fuck you, buddy. Right. That's like we got like a good immune system. You know what I mean?

It is, yeah. It's like white blood cells are attacking. I like that. These people- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really get that. And I think that's cool.

But the thing is too, is think about now that fan is fighting for someone and then that fan, it's nice, is think about now that fan is fighting for someone and then that fan it's nice but think about their day now they're carrying that anger in their day in their life i don't want to beat your wife no i'm saying i don't want my fans to have to because anytime i argue with someone online i'm like annoyed for a while that's why i don't really argue so i don't want my fans to have to feel annoyed either with defending that shit. It's like, this is for nobody. I delete all that shit. I'd like to think they're walking around happy. Maybe they are.

Because I'm happy. You know what I mean? Like today, I took out some motherfucker at the knees. And O'Connor's probably happy about that. You know? I get that. He's not saying hi to anyone on the street. He doesn't have much going on.

It's part of the fact that we assassinated some asshole today. I hate to be weird. I'm having a great time. I gotta be honest. I don't know what's happening. I mean, I got two Bud Lights in me. This is great. Sorry.

This is what happens when you touch the couch. Also, these types of people, I believe, are the one-star reviewers on Amazon. This is the bottom of the fucking barrel of people. Because you'll see, and immediately what I do is, if I find a nice item that I like, I'll see the star rating. I click on it, it'll be like four, eight out of five. Fly, this is a great product. For some reason- I don't know why I don't fucking know. This is a great product for some reason this is a great product

it's proven it's a great product sure this has been rated by sure 60 000 people possibly bring up that review at some point that we saw last night the wheel of cheese oh yeah yeah i could probably do that but i get i get off now because part of the the well i don't know the endorphin release of going i have something i want i found the thing i want i'm going to purchase the thing i want coupled with i'm going to fucking hit the rating of the thing i want it's confirming the thing i want is the thing i want because everybody also wanted the thing I want and they said BAM five stars but I just like the comments on a YouTube video will only remember those three motherfuckers that give it a one-star review and for some reason in

Amazon the one-star review motherfuckers are at the top yeah and it'll be like I ordered this this fucking Dyson and they'll show the box and it's like cracked I'm like look at this this is a piece the box and it's like cracked. I'm like, look at this, this is a piece of shit. It's like, no, that's a fucking pilled up UPS driver that crow hopped your vacuum into the back of the truck because he got in a fight with his fucking Asian wife. You know, you don't know what that's like.

You pointed right to me, sure. He got in a fight with my wife. I was connective tissue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, normally when I drop stuff off, a guy says, nice, says hi to me. Sure. You got no fight with my way. I was connective tissue. He's like, normally when I drop stuff off, a guy says nice, says hi to me. Today, there was a summation that he was quiet.

My point is, it's not the brand. It's a good quality product. Most of the reviews are like, oh, my fucking, my detergent is leaking. And they'll show a picture of the box and a little bit of detergent in a bottom of a bag that's Already wrapped and go boys this one start. Yeah, like the level of

Sickness that you have to beat that person to go I'm gonna let this fucking company know how I feel about the delivery of this product Yeah, it's like if I get a fucking bad delivery from from Popeyes or some shit. It's not the delivery guys fault Yeah, you know, it's but if it's cold I reheat it. I'm not gonna from Popeyes or some shit. It's not the delivery guy's fault. Yeah. You know, if it's cold, I reheat it. I'm not going to go, Popeyes, you owe me a free apple pie. Like, shut the fuck up. And just know the product is the product.

There's a reason it's got a 4.9 and everybody else loves it. If you don't love it, fuck off. Right. Don't sign in and go, I like the way he talked about fat irish women shut up but i i think i right back i think those people think like i think those people that review stuff i think there's a lot of people who are like look if i don't comment and review on products that i receive this company's just gonna like abuse me right they're just gonna take advantage of me and the only way there's a little bit of power they still have yeah yeah yeah i can get my elbows out and i gotta i gotta stand for what's right they think and that's why they got

a comment i think about that all the time like if you like amazon or uber or any of those companies could me so hard on pricing if they if they were putting that algorithm to use if they were like okay it's 2 a.m ch Chris is down. They do do that though. What? They boost the prices during those hours? No, no, no. But I'm saying specific to me. Oh.

They would be like, he will pay, we know that he will pay literally anything to get home right now. Isn't this capitalism? This is a great idea. Uber specific price surging. Oh, dude. Right? They're like, we know.

That's a horrible idea. We know he's going through a breakup. Let's take him for everything he's got. Yes, yes, yes. You can just gouge the fuck out of me. He needs this Kentucky Fried Chicken more than he's ever did right now. Yeah, 70 bucks.

Yes, dude. Same thing with Amazon. It's like, we know that Chris is not going to search for cables for more than 10 minutes before he'll settle on whatever the price is. And they have all this information. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We know he's not going to like comparison shop and go to another website. He'll take whatever we give him. Just don't let him know that this is actually worth $10. This is a guy that bought a mattress from a mattress store on the street. He's an insane person. Yeah, yeah.

Like, I mean, they're destroying me. They could bankrupt me in a matter of months. They surge priced me once. Uber surge priced me once. It was a $40 Uber usually. They tried to get me for like $250 or something. I went, I took a year off of Uber. $250.

And I walked from, was it Roosevelt Park? I don't know, wherever, Panorama, whatever that concert was. Yeah, yeah. I went, oh, fuck you. I walked from there. I said, fuck Uber, fuck Cab, fuck anyone behind wheels. I am walking. And I walked like 20 miles or something.

Oh, my God. Spite walk. I spite walked. I was like, fuck you. It's like you keep the Uber app open, turn location services on. Yeah. No. I want you collecting this data. Dude. I'm walking the whole way. It's like you keep the Uber app open, turn location services on. I want you collecting this data.

I'm walking the whole big family's mentality. Fuckers. Fuck you until I start fucking myself. And that's pretty much how I live. Everything. Dude, that's the thing too is there are many places in New York City that I cannot go into because I've threatened to kill people. When I snap, I snap. You try to crawl.

I have a big problem with justice. God, I love this. You tell me, you, you, let me tell you, this is a quick one, a quick one.

You tell me you are a lot of life. I can't. We run hot, but we run cold. It's all in or all out. The reason my legs are crossed is I'm hard as fuck.

You are emotionally draining me. Dude, there are bakeries i can't go into because i fucking flipped out on people like yeah i just i just can't what went wrong at the bakery uh the bakery was a make-em-ups one but like every i mean there's like the i i have to change allergists now because i went two weeks ago into the allergist they told me a thing i came there they did not tell they did not do the thing they said and so i had to stand there and then as i'm first of all fucking i'm sorry you guys have a towel

i get we get allergy shots me and my wife right so we're supposed to go we're supposed to we have a baby i say hey can we get our allergy shots at the same time because it's you know hippo we can go at the same time they go yes you can we go the lady who's always shitty always shitty and i always just i just write it down i just write down my mental notebook i write it down on my mental notebook i go okay someone's not getting a christmas car whatever we go there and she goes no you need to wait like tell me i need to wait an hour and i'm like yo i brought the baby here blah blah you said this now you're saying an opposite thing

then she start then she starts trying to get like loud with me and i went you don't know who i am like i'm a professional standard comedian who has a heckler video that has over 2.3 million views i am sick in the pocket right so i lean back lean back, right? And I go, take a breath, right? And then I just started like going in, being like, well, actually, no one in this room likes you. No one. We've all had shitty appointments with you.

And she's like, ah, and I start going on. I go, why are you yelling? Is your life, like, I just started like ripping this woman apart, like whatever. And then she goes, well, if there's a problem, what are the problems you have? And I went, oh, mental note, right?

I started pulling this shit out I started being like one you don't address people when they walk in you make them you put your head down if you will stand here awkwardly singing hello to someone this is new not this is not new technology and I see someone pulling out a camera and be like oh I'm gonna get this camp Karen but then I started killing it so hard I start seeing the guy laughing like oh the video It went from me to now her they're like I've turned the fucking Worldstar video now that she's a bitch is like no one here like ladies and gentlemen how many people here?

How many people here honestly come and she's been rude to you make some noise and people start clapping I'm not I I am like, I am running this room. I turned it into a goddamn lady. Who's single? Who's single here, folks? Dude, I turned it into a goddamn club show. I know this, bitches. To the point that she just,

the nurses came in and they brought us out and I just see her like devastated and I was like, you need to understand that you could bring happiness into people's life and you bring in misery and anger and this is why you're single and i didn't even know that she was single but the way it hit her yeah good for you and she

was oh one more so so sorry another time too i'm at the borgata there's another reason i'm super high out of my mind and i i kept trying to get my wallet to pay for the sandwich at Jimmy John's but I just kept I couldn't find my wallet was just so high I was like what pocket I don't know and the guy behind me goes you come to a sandwich place and you don't got any money and I looked at him and I went this is why your grandchildren don't call you and I saw his soul like Doctor Strange just leave his body and he was like and I went see you later folks

there's my wallet gave him the money and he's just standing there in shock and I was like holy shit this guy's grandkids he does have a problem

with his grandkids but you just if you take a wild swing sometimes you hit it and if you hit it it's worth it but anyway dude

yeah cause what can he really say back to that I talk to my grandkids all the time alright dork look who loves their grandkids this fat likes his grandkids anybody married yeah that mentality of like wanting to touch other people the other side of the coin is is the same

you know desire to end to destroy people to destroy people that are destroyers yes i think like i don't fucking when it comes to when it comes to like costs well i'm dead serious yeah it's just funny destroy people that are destroyed because like you almost come like a like a like a white trash superhero around the neighborhood going i want everybody to feel good if i feel someone's being a bully, I'm going to out-bully you. I'm going to make you feel like a piece of shit until I can rewire you. Whatever the fuck is wrong with you,

I'll figure it out a lot quicker than your family can. Because I got no fucking skin in the game. I can tell you exactly what I see. And then I'll threaten to the point where you're going to try and raise your hands. And then I beat the fuck out of you, hopefully. A lot willing. To go back to the whole, the cost analysis thing,

like if I feel like I'm being fucked, I'll spend, money is not an issue. Of course. I'll over tip somebody that doesn't deserve it. If I feel like you're trying to fuck me over, that's when I get nuts. That's when I feel like if you're trying to get one over on me, then I start going, all right.

Cause you could have asked me for the money. Yes. And I would have given it to you. I would have given it to you. I would have given it to you. I would have given it to you. It does. It gets to like a.

Right. Yeah. It gets to like. You nickel and dime me for barbecue sauce on the bill. Yeah. I would have tipped you $20. Yes. Now we need to talk.

Why did you upcharge me for barbecue? Get the fuck out of here. You charge me for refills on Coke? So do refills. Are you out of your fucking mind? How are we going to ever see each other again? I got three fucking Diet Cokes, six bucks a pop. Suck my dick.

Never coming back here. Now I know you're a piece of shit and I was a regular here. I know you were a regular. You didn't treat your regulars right. That's why I don't go to a local bar here that I used to fucking love. The only time I can remember that happening to me was McDonald's in like London or something. I was like, yeah, can I get some ketchup? And they were like, that's 25 cents extra.

And I was like, I promise you it isn't. I was like, this is an embassy, okay? First of all, that's not a number two. You got to move it. You know what I was just like, ketchup. I promise you it isn't. I promise you it's not. Imagine that reverse. I live next to corporate. Yeah. The confidence.

The confidence. The confidence. I know this so... You work here. I know this better than you. This is in my bones. Yeah. Yeah.

Imagine that happening like in America. The guy's going, can I have some ketchup? It's like, that'd be 25 extra cents. He's going, I promise you it's not. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. Yeah. Imagine that happening like in America when the guy's going, can I have some ketchup? It's like, that'd be 25 extra cents. He's going, I promise you it's not. That dude's just getting fucking dragged in a booth. Dude,

there's a video game store that sells old school video games. I went in there five years ago, six years ago. I still remember I needed a wire for a Super Nintendo

and I come in and I was like, hey man, I'm looking for this Super Nintendo wire and the guy was so shitty about I remember exactly what he said He was like that's not what you blah blah blah and he's getting real shitty with me and I went buddy I will grab you I will throw you through that fucking window you get what you get you act like this again I'm gonna throw you a fucking window and I went god damn it. I got mad at myself I left and I left I went fuck this fuck and I fucking left because I threatened to kill somebody

over a wire and I left for a Super Nintendo let's finish this sure yeah flip out left

two years later I go there's no way that guy still works there you know what I mean I go I need to go back into this fucking store I go in the store

and I see the guy I go he's still here I should probably leave the guy goes hey hey hey guy i go i'm still here i should probably leave the guy goes hey hey hey and i go i got that wire what's up and he goes two years ago did you and i get into a thing and i was like yeah right now i'm like i gotta fight this guy right and he goes i said i was having a real shitty day and i was a fucking dick to you and I remember it and he goes I remember your face and he goes I am sorry and I went I'd never seen this happen before I was like what and I go well I'm sorry I started crying I swear to god I didn't really start crying but I was like oh my god I'm sorry I was like I flipped too much and I left and he goes I always try to be really cool to everyone here you you look the one guy i snapped on and you threatened to kill me and i was like he was like and he goes i honestly felt bad about it for a few years i remembered your face and we all i swear

to god we almost hugged it was like the wildest thing that ever happened in my life this guy because he was not a destroyer at heart yeah he did not want to be a destroyer true he was a giver and it hurt him and then he saw another giver yes or a mayor he was like and he it bothered him but i also like i also bothered like it was crazy that we both had it on our fucking mind crazy crazy sorry don't worry sorry that's just like my that's a great that's a great scene i should say and scene i'm trying to think hilarious now back to you rick like you could be in a fucking of all places like a game stop in queens to touch someone's life and go this never happened before yeah i've never said sorry to another adult male yeah yeah because two

years ago i went to smash my forehead over your nose you know what i mean over a fucking super nes cable yeah and i just to clarify the story i actually remember it wasn't a cable it was i wanted to buy super metroid for super i don't know why i'm telling you this i wanted to buy super metroid for super nintendo and it was like he goes yeah that's like pretty impossible to get or whatever soon it was like the video game i wanted he was like a dick about and that was him having a bad day yes it's pretty impossible to get or whatever student it was like the video game I wanted he was like a dick about and that was him having a bad day. Yes, it's pretty impossible to get. Yeah, I'm like I'll fucking

kill you and your wife. Yeah, or it might not be super metro some super Nintendo. I don't know why I care about getting the facts right on this story, but it was like a video game

that was like I didn't realize the aftermarket price was like through the roof or something. Yeah. Yeah, it's like so what? Yeah. Yeah, I got money.

Yeah, you could just be like, hey man, that's gonna be hard to find i got money yeah you could just be like hey man that's gonna be hard to find yeah have you ever spite bought something like someone almost challenged you and then you were like like i've had a situation where usually with liquor never was like a fucking item spite but i'll spite buy in front of like like if if i ask for like a like an old-fashioned or something then I look at the menu and they're like it's with you know this liquor that's like $25 a shot or something I'm like yeah give it to me cuz I'm with someone absolutely yeah yeah yeah that's that's more

where I'm at I shame by better question how many times the myths could be on me I'm crazy how many times in your brain does the words, do you think you're better than me, flash through in an interaction? Are you kidding? On this podcast? Like four. Almost every time I look at Chris in the face. Yeah, I don't have a do you think you're better than me.

I feel like I have more of Like should I be thinking? I guess it is a version of that But it's like there are times in my most of the time in my life because I just I just I go along to get along For the most part, you know what I mean it a very very rarely do I look at my Hockles up? Like mission blog this as a liar clip. What are you talking about? You go along and get along. I do most of the time.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You do everybody else? For once, I just like you to get along and go along with what I ask. I know,

because I, you know, but I do, most of the time, I feel like I just, I do need to start standing up for myself a little bit. Where it's like, I will, someone will start ripping me off and I'll be like, all right, dude. You know, I'll be like, all right, you're ripping me off.

Right. You just get the fucking thing. In what way? Like a transaction for like food or? Yeah, this actually happened recently. I was like, I was at the airport and I was like getting on a flight and I had bought a ticket that was like, uh, not all the way in the back of the plane. It was like kind of close to the front and, uh, all this, and I'm just like sitting there, the going through security had been like a fucking nightmare. And I was sitting there like all pissed off and they like called my name,

like Mr. O'Connor, can you come to that? And I walked up there and she was like, uh, she was like, did you buy this seat? And I was like, yeah. She was like, no, I, I actually, I just, I fucked up. I just moved you to that seat. And I was like, no, you didn't. I bought it. She was like, no, I made an error and I moved it. And I was like, fine, you moved me. What difference does it make? And she was like, well, I'll move you back. And then I was like, no, I fucking snapped. I like pulled up this email and then she was like well I'll move you back and then I was like no I fucking snapped I like pulled up this email and then she was like alright whatever and I just went back and like sat and waited

for the plane I was just like that fucking bitch I wish she kept that going I was so right cause you felt good do you have a hard time doing that though do you have a hard time like you were certain you paid for the ticket the seat are you talking about comfort zone before first class comfort

zone? It's like an extra half inch for $200. It's mostly, it's just like, I can, I know that my bag's going to get on there and I don't know if it's going to be an issue. Yeah. Like I don't, uh, I don't have a, I don't have a lot of faith in people's ability to be reasonable. You should. You know what I mean? It's like, I will take the time and walk you through why you're wrong, but I know you're not going to get it anyway, so I'm just going to fucking whatever. Right. But that's not across the board.

That mentality is not across the board because there are positions of power, like toll booth operators, flight attendants, people people that work like ticketing agents if they're having a bad day the way this game stop guy had a bad day they can up your week right they can up your bank account they can up your marriage they can be like are you giving me those eyebrows for a reason right i will just sir you're not getting on the plane if they feel a certain way about their day they can some up yeah right the problem is in this situation that you're speaking of you have to go i can destroy you the way i've destroyed many people right in many different circumstances but this particular case i know what you're doing i don't

like it i'm going to stand back because this can alter the course of my career, my fucking missing an interview, my fucking connecting flight. So you just go, yeah, I'll sit in the fucking chicken coop. I'll sit wherever you want me to. I'll go on the bottom of the plane because this cunt didn't get fingered

in a fucking airport bar in Denver. Had enough, dude. I've had enough of these gatekeeping bitches. Some guys do. And a little bit of power. It's like for the people, it's like the allergist, just a little bit of power.

And she just likes to wield it over people. And they don't realize, I will spend all day annoying you. Let me tell you this real quick. Stop doing that. TGI Fridays. Let it out, kid. TGI Fridays, I was a waiter.

And a lot of times you couldn't snap at customers because... Because you're working at TGI Friday. Right. Right. Let me do the job. Because... So I always... I have a lot of like fun things to get revenge that are all gifted in a nice package.

So I had a guy. He was... He tipped me real shit. Like just no tip. Had me running back and forth, whatever. I remember him. He comes back. I see him.

It's him. He had a handicapped kid and he had his wife, right? They ordered their food. I give, I remember he just shit to me last time. His wife's food comes out. He ordered, I still remember, Jack Daniel's triple combo. So I bring out their food and I go, and the Cobb salad for you, sir. And then he goes, I Daniel's triple combo. So I bring out their food and I go, and the Cobb salad for you, sir.

And then he goes, I ordered the triple combo. I go, my bad. Let me fix that. Cheeseburger. I ordered a triple. How did they fuck this up again? I brought him the wrong food with the best service seven times in a row. Oh my God.

With the best, literally like, oh my God, how have I done this again? Right? And just, he must've been there for two and a half fucking hours. His wife, his family,

they all ate good and I took care of them. This fucking guy was not getting the triple combo. He was not getting the triple jack combo. Why did he place you all so much? What food did he, what meal did he break on?

Did he eventually eat something he didn't want to eat or did he wait for the triple combo? I can did he place you all so much? What food did he, what meal did he break on? Did he eventually eat something he didn't want to eat or did he wait for the triple combo? I can't, I can't remember exactly how it ended, but I do remember just kind of being like, this is why.

Just get him on a grilled cheese. You're like, I knew you'd crack. This is why in society we tip people and we treat them the right way because this is what we do. And if I was being treated the right way, I might remember your order a little bit and you're also risking your job right because

all that stuff comes back off your tips no no no we just you bag it up and all the kitchen dudes are like i'm taking it home no i told the kitchen guy i'm like we're doing a greg all right we're getting revenge over here's fucking rules and they just order up. He's going to the stone zone. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to the stone zone. It's in the stone zone. He's got stone. I don't remember how I did it. I probably just said,

like, he keeps changing his fucking order up. I don't know why. He doesn't like anything. I don't really remember exactly how I did it, but I remember I was like, no, I'm just going to keep

fucking this guy's order up, but kindly, just being like, oh, man, really? Not a medium cheeseburger? Okay. Triple jack combo. I got it. Triple jack. I sort of got it at the computer like, oh man, really? Not a medium cheeseburger? Okay, triple jack combo, I got it, triple jack.

I sort of got it at the computer like, triple jack combo! Lobster tails. You know, just fucking this guy over. Oh, it was like, but that's the best way to get people sometimes. It's not being fucking right in their face confrontational. Be nice and then just go smaller.

You don't gotta go nuke. Just a bunch of fucking, just Go smaller. Yeah. Yeah, just a bunch of yeah I just shoot arrows all day gotta read two chapters of the sociopathic behaviors No, it's not Like so I hate like if you're in like a shitty bar College bar, whatever, where like everyone is just ordering Bud Lights, Miller Lights, fucking well drinks. That's it. Those bartenders, I hate them.

They're always so smug. Oh, right. Yes. They never look at you. And it's like, every time I'm there, there I'm just like you all should be vending machines yeah you don't you're not making a cool drink you're not giving good service and I want to be there on the day and I that day is coming I just know it speaking of those people all of those people get replaced by vending how sick would it be to walk into a bar and just see an entire wall where the bar used to be of different, fully loaded vending machines with whatever beer you want?

It sounds great. It's fucking unbelievable. It sounds great. But if you're talking about white trash areas that are only drinking Bud Lights,er highlifes guinness but that's low volume harps no it's not it's the highest volume that's why you their mainstay taps in every bar in in manhattan because most garbage goes into these places and and orders that beer and i'll tell you this as a professional drunk the reason you have a hot girl behind the bar that sucks her job is angry and doesn't want to do that said job is because these drunks will come in on

their shifts and I dated a couple bartenders yeah they have the money that comes into that place on my ex's shifts would be far and away on a Friday or Saturday nights far away and you're talking she would take like like afternoon shifts or like more money just in that because you'd have older dudes that can drink a lot they'll still drink seven eight miller lights during that time period where they wouldn't make anything off like fucking some irish stew or some dog shit that the irish people yeah but yeah so they would just sit in there all day long because of how this girl looks and she's not good at her job and she also when you get guys that are that are good at talking they want to

talk to her and she's like had enough they just get worn down yeah yeah no it's a money-making machine if you actually put a money-making machine a literal money-making sheen behind that you lose all the fucking be kind to me no I'm talking about yeah it's like a fall in love with a stripper I feel like we're talking about different things here I'm talking about high volume of customers where it's a packed bar yeah and everyone's getting shitty stuff these are not complicated drinks it's literally just a matter of like grabbing someone's attention and they you know their their eyes are all on the floor or in the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, dude. Like a couple vending machines, like Gatorade machines at the gym. Exactly. It's like, just do that. For that bar, just do that. And we'll just go up and we'll. No, no, sorry. No, no.

You hate this because you're not getting service fast enough or because they're rude? Yeah, yeah. And it's also like, what, I got to tip you now? Oh. For what? Right, right what right right right for sure but i'd rather just reach into the cooler and grab it myself and leave exact change you don't need to be here if you're not going to be flying let me throw a situation let me throw you a thing here i'm not fully i'm not fully disagreeing but i will say that what I do like about these jobs is that they're some of the last jobs

that people can make really good money on without having an actual skill set. So I don't mind throwing into the system a little bit. This is an idea built out of rage. Sure. Why are you so ravenous about this? Because they don't serve. How many bad bars have you been to?

Every single, almost every single like high volume every time we go to the best bars we go to the best bars in the world and i tip i tip big and i fucking i love it that stuff's great i don't have a problem with bartenders as a species yeah i'm saying i'm saying i'm saying it's just there's a specific type of bar yeah and crew of bartenders. Those ones that rotate back between Tavern on Broad and the Jersey Shore.

Fuck them. Yeah, they're seasonal. Yes. They're lifers too. Every bartender should be Sam Malone. Those, I love the guy. I love that guy. I love a high volume Bud Light bar and they still go, hey buddy, when they look at you they go, hey buddy, what do need you know like and they point you and they go what do you need buddy

like they're still cool and kind i go dude i'm so used to going to these we have a bunch of bars in queens that we love manhattan bars my dick yeah suck my dick i went back to delco recently and i went to this place called manoa tavern which it's it's it there's what i'm i'm you're not it was four o'clock on like a friday morning afternoon the bars closed at like two in philly still there's three old men cruising behind the bar when i say old like they're 65. yeah three old dudes that everybody knows everybody's name. They're still fucking twisting off Bud Lights. Yes. How are you, pal?

How are you? Who you with? Who you with? Who you with? Where are you? How's Karen? All that type of shit. That is a fucking thing I miss.

If you're low on ketchup, it comes right out for some reason somehow. It's like, do you get what you're saying? So I get what you're saying. This is incredible. And I miss it. The nostalgia of like having that, like I just sat down to have a meal with people that I love. Yeah. Is the same way of having one pint. Yeah.

Like on your, on your lunch break before you finish a deck somewhere, you know? Yeah. And it's like somehow it doesn't matter how crowded it is when you like sit down on the stool, like a napkin is, is also sliding in front of you. It's like the bell that triggers your entry. It's like all of a sudden the fucking napkin tries to beat you. I'm going to piss. We'll hit the page.