Stuff Island - Stuff Island #22 - OBGY Joe w/ Dad Meat

Episode Date: April 6, 2022

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I need you to help me fix my computer. Oh, dude. I was driving back from Buffalo when I was talking about that and my hard drive got wiped on the way home. Well, no. It wasn't even Buffalo. We drove to Niagara. And I was driving home from Niagara to Philly.

And I realized earlier this week or last week and I was almost embarrassed to follow up. I wasn't that upset about it. Because I knew I'm pretty certain it's like yeah you can check the power check the connection you know dad's come you can like a little like you like Reese oh my dad he went through a phase where he had this profound jockey pretty sure And he had this industrial size.

How do we talk about it? Chris is screwing around. Yep. Which I can. Yeah, yeah. We got a lot of catching up to do, clearly. This is how you know. He's playing his guitar.

Yeah, sorry. He's talking to me about his dad's jock itch. This is exactly what I wanted. This is when the date goes well. Yeah, totally. And you got two different combos. So I took my mom's Hitachi to the shop. They said there's nothing they can do about it.

They tried to sell her a Sibian. So I said, let me talk to my buddy first. He knows about these things. Are they still even making Sibians? That's got to be like, I thought that was like. That's your guy. That's like the Atari of masturbation. No way. That's got to be like, I thought that was like, that's your guy. That's like the Atari of

masturbation. No way. That's the clitari. Dude, I'm actually going to treat my wife sometime soon. To a Sivian?

Yeah. Go for you. Yeah, I got Sivian. Oh, you got a fucking stack of old assholes. Yeah, I'm going to trade them in like

games at GameStop. They're going to give me fucking 60 bucks and fucking twat credit. Whore credit, Mike. Whore credit. There you go. You're the emperor of those fake rubber assholes. Thank you. Thank you.

You would be my go-to. You're the first person I'm going to text. I'm like, what do you think about? That means a lot to me there's gonna be in like 20 years advice is still around they're gonna make a youtube documentary about documentary about mike and they're gonna be following him around like a dusty shed full of old like fake assholes and she's like he's gonna have white hair like a ponytail he's been wearing crocs and he's like yeah i guess if you guys are interested in this stuff this man's been

collecting fake assholes for the past 60 years. My dad doesn't, he doesn't take like, he's not good with Christmas gifts. So no matter what you buy him, down in the cellar, above like their third fridge or whatever, there's just, it's a Christmas gift graveyard. So you're like, dad likes golf. And you'll get him like this little golf gift That's like unique or whatever kind of cool And they stack upon one another

And you can almost like see like the years You disappointed your father And I imagine Mike has a fridge just full of Fuck dolls and fuck all Just Pollyanna assholes It's like ah yeah this would be good I was like yeah No I liked it I liked the gift

It meant a lot It looks like when the mom in Child's Play is looking at the wall of Chucky dolls, except all the dolls are doing a headstand in the box. Back off, Jack. Fuck you back. It always it always disappointed me that they never they put so much effort into getting like the asshole or the vagina like molded right. But then on the inside, it's all just it's it's low.

Shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like knobs and ribs. You're not into the texture of the interior? Yeah, it's like... Well, that's what you want. Put the gel all the way up their asshole. So you get an authentic asshole. Wait, what do you mean put the gel all the way up?

Put the gel all the way into the pussy so that it's the actual... You want the asshole to feel like the pussy because the asshole's like spelunking or whatever. It's like you just jump into the entrance of the cave i think and then it's hollow yeah does it feel good good good i think that's the great that's the great disappointment of anal is like a wiener there's nobody in here right? Anyone alive? Yeah like anal sex is like

Walking onto a movie set It's like you know if you pull the store It's not really a bank It's cardboard all along There's like a misspelled Like scrawled pussy sign above the asshole I've only butt fucked my wife once It's all covered in shit

You can't put it back in the pussy You know what I mean? Yeah you fuck it you bought it Yeah yeah Now you're just stuck I was like, okay, you got me. I've only butt-fucked my wife once. It's too late. Your dick's all covered in shit. You can't put it back in the pussy. You know what I mean? Yeah, you fuck it, you bought it. Yeah, yeah. Now you're just stuck fucking like, I don't know, one of those hose rings. You did like a, you bought one of the, just the assets, right? I got swindled, and Tim actually surprised me for my birthday with the real thing.

Wait, you got swindled? Chris, what they do is. That's Huck Layers. Mike uses the internet like a 95-year- he told me he was like tim he was like so excited he's like dude i bought a sex torso and i was like that's awesome what did you get he was like i don't know it's just whatever they had on the site i said what was the site he goes i think it was something like spicy red peppers dot com i was like mike what the fuck just, you just sent Bitcoin to China. Yeah.

It was essentially shung, fung, dang LLC. It was the most fake shit I've ever heard of in my entire life. Spicy, spicy peppers. Yeah. It was spicy red peppers,

spicy red peppers. And I, I forget what I paid. Maybe like 60 bucks. Who's the CEO? Steve knobs. Yeah. I got a Sichuan butthole

from SpicyRedPeppers.com. Every fall, Steve Knobs comes out in a fucking black turtleneck and fucking glasses like bringing out the new sex robot. But yeah, dude, I spent like 60 bucks and the grift is

they send you something. It was like, it was like a couple cock rings and it was sex toys we couldn't identify by sight you know what i mean yeah we almost had to like call yeah we had to try them out yeah do we eat this but it ended up being what was it what would you think this was if you saw a clear plastic cylinder

about this long and about this wide and at the end it had like it was a crack pipe like a almost like a syringe dude it looked like

a thick crack it was a magnum crack pipe yeah I just fucked this crack pipe can I get a refund it was for smoking boulders. Imagine if a dude also did crack. Brought his friends over

and was like, just smoke and I have a fucking dildo. Dude, Jake has been doing it too much. Ripping crack out of a bad dragon would be so safe. Out of a two-handed dildo. If you're buying sex toys from a fucking red pepper,. If you're buying sex toys from Shrugsy Red Peppers, chances are you're smoking crack.

Yeah, man. If you look deeper, he's got a second-hand smoke shop. Even doors through the roof. How can they combine these things? We need these fucking bombs to be studded so we can fuck. They got a storefront.

The store's called Statutory Vape. Damn, the pun gods have blessed the outcasts. I know. I know. All right, so you researched just for the torso. The torso is just tits, no arms, no legs, and the asshole and puss. No. Well, in a physiological sense, yes, I guess.

But in a pervert sense, the torso to me was like belly, legs above the knee, pussy, asshole, and cheeks. No tip. I think it did have a belly button. It had a belly button. Yeah, I think you paid extra for the belly button. Can you articulate the legs or are they just splayed? Dude, it's like down to here. It's not a leg.

It's just down to here. Yeah. It's down to boxer brief length yeah but I think the one that you showed me the screenshot it had tits

the one that you ordered and never got yeah the one that I did get looks like something your dad would find in the war yeah yeah it's best friends

yeah didn't have tits same spatial still thought about it I've been in this jungle for way too long you could order aftermarket titanium legs

to add to it like Lieutenant Dan yeah so so my real soldier wasn't the top of the line but Tim probably paid a little bit extra so I could get the

the good one yeah two holes did your one come with the boobs or no no boobs but higher quality cheek i

mean it existed that was a plus you know like it showed up so in terms of i'm sorry to keep cutting a good no a good fake pussy is like a good stepdad you know what i mean it's not the one that you pick but it's the one that showed up so did you did you look forward to like what did you high or hold in higher regard like the the internal pressure of the

you know the thrusting or did it all come into play like did you if you're only buying a torso to make it look realistic without you

being weird you'd have to put like a pillow over the fucking broken shoulders it's a lot of rigmarole you have to hide the legs yeah or you just wedge that ass in between two mattresses like how do you make it feel You'd have to put like a pillow over the fucking broken shoulders. It's a lot of rigmarole. You'd have to hide the legs. Yeah.

Or you just wedge that ass in between two mattresses. Like, how do you make it feel like. That's really all it is. He had a great method, actually. He could show you on the ottoman. It's worth seeing. Please. All right. You don't have to.

Well, describe it first. Describe it first before you jump on. Go towards them. Fuck them. Chris, which cushions do you normally sit on? I'll fuck those. No, but basically, I'm a meat and potatoes guy So normally I would just set it on the bed

You are not a meat and potatoes guy When it comes to sex toys I am No no no Meat and potatoes is Lotion in a hand towel That's meat and potatoes Someone tell Mike what meat and potatoes is You're a hole switching And coming on tits and a torso

That's very high level I order my sex house from space I'm not regular meat and potatoes Yeah, nothing fancy for me I like silicone amputee You know what I mean Some of these guys like their highfalutin mechanical pussies. I'm just a regular old,

just cut the legs off and ship it to my house. Kind of guy. Someone call me vanilla. I shit my palm and my wife's face. It is funny though. If you're that deep into that world and hat, that has to feel like, no,

this is just a, I mean, you don't have to plug this one into a computer. It is. In that regard, it is me. Yeah. I mean, this thing was really just a, I mean, you don't have to plug this one into a computer. It is. In that regard, it is meat and butter. Yeah, I mean, this thing was really just a gross paperweight. Like, it really is that.

There's no bells and whistles. You just put it down, and you just sink into it. You set it and forget it. Are you flipping it over? Are you? No. Is it active? No.

Basically, Chris, it's just like you literally just throw it down and the uh back side of it is flat the front side ass was it so what was the position like when you put it down was it like spread eagle or was it turned over no it was just it was just spread eagle like i never got fancy with it it was just plopped it down do you ever fuck the butt uh i don't think so dude saving it for like saving it for tom i'm not a butt man oh my god not even a fake butt man chris i've only butt fucked my wife once okay like that's that makes sense though yeah but yeah this is the reason you get a fucking toy from china if i when i get a wife i will not but i'm gonna make mistakes with this doll no but you know what with sex toys

like this is what i don't know this is what I get jammed up on. I bought a bunch, but I don't use them often just because the cleanup is such a hassle. Yeah. Damn. Exactly. Tommy's got my mind spinning. It would be fun as fuck to just bust in one and then spike it onto the floor as hard as you could. Dude, if you're an abusive father or something, the ideal listening is to get a full head to toe

in a hypothetical world where you want to fuck someone and then punt them I didn't say punt tell me something imagine you're what if we went to

yeah what if what if we might want to fuck someone and then spike them no no no let's be mature let's be mature and

collectively be mature and collectively be mature and go, look, women aren't like open to break in that fucking, you know. Yeah, women don't want to get frisbeed

into the wall after you fill them with cum. No, no, no, no. Not of you. I'm saying like anal sex is like, you know, once you break that hymen

type situation, I know it's the opposite. Yeah, yeah. But like, yeah, exactly. Once you get into that scenario, it's the opposite. Yeah, yeah. But like, yeah, exactly. Once you get into that scenario, it's a very, very select group

of people, women and men, that are like, let's make this part of our sexual repertoire. Yeah. So, there's such a fantasy. It's a taboo for men to go,

I want to have sex anally. Even if it's not good. You just have this vision of that's a no-no zone. Yeah. So then it, you know, I think that's the whole point. Cause when you actually, when rubber meets the road and you actually get into a bot,

you're kind of like, yeah, you know, is this road to be mean when rubber meets the load? That's what's hot about it is that the girl wants you to fuck them in the ass Yeah That's where your brain starts Yeah but that's also a red flag for dudes that are like A lot of women aren't doing this

I know But it's like they want me so bad They'll take it anywhere That's what you're saying No that's the fantasy Right right right So if you're fucking a doll in the ass It's like what's the point

The doll doesn't care Well no Yeah that's right, what's the point? The doll doesn't care. Yeah, that's right. The doll's not like, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh. Next generation dolls. The doll can't try to scoot away. The doll can't act a little bit ashamed about it while you're doing it. I get what you're saying. Call her boyfriend. Yeah,

it is actually a waste of money to engineer a butthole for it. This is inefficient design. I also think spiking it really ruins the illusion. Yeah. Well, your cum splatters everywhere. It's actually a waste of money to engineer a butthole for it. This is inefficient design. I also think spiking it really ruins the illusion. Yeah. Well, your cum splatters everywhere. Yeah, that would be funny, though.

That would be awesome. It's like... Do that. Bank and open the bag. Yeah, it's that blue shit. Then you start picking the shit out of the palace. The die back of my fake pussy went off, dude. You make your wife hold a tarp

Like she's at fucking Gallagher Yeah Oh fuck man So what's the next Like where did you leave off Like what were you content with In terms of The doll

Experience I had fun with it But again like After I would finish with it It's like You wash it out as best as you can. And then you put it in the closet. And when you put it in the closet,

it's no, I haven't actually has them on like a dry cleaning thing that like goes through. He's got it on the conveyor belt. I got my ticket for it. Like a Japanese restaurant. So you put it in the closet and that's where, what happens when you put it in the closet

And that's where What happens when you put it in the closet Yeah I have I had an old suitcase That belonged to a comedian Named Kent Haynes That I would That I would throw it in

Yeah he was great And I would put it in there And It just Every time I took it out It just had more shit stuck to it And it wasn't cum related It was just

Lint Sticky stuff Yeah it's just and after a while it's you know it's time yeah well can't you take it out back and put like a hose hey power wash it it's just like saying i'm your neighbor you're power washing the pussy no you've got them all laid out in the driveway. You're just watering them. Yeah, it's like when your Stretch Armstrong would get like gunk on it. Yeah, they're as sticky as Stretch Armstrong's blood.

That was when they really got sticky is when he got like a little nip in. So it's like, damn, is this mostly cat hair this whole time? No, but when you see this thing after it's been in the closet you would need like a fucking

race riot hose to clean this thing up it's got like a texture to it yeah well the texture itself is meant to mimic I think you actually

it is yeah so it's like sticky and warm and you know how like pliable your iPhone just stops working after a while

when they want you to buy a new one? Yeah. I think that's the idea behind pussy technology. Do you want to know the secret? He's engineered obsolescence. Yes. I wish this was a joke.

Do you want to know the secret of fake pussy care? What's that? I found this out with the auto blow. Dude. First of all, this sucks. I hate this so much. I found this out with the auto blow. Listen to this, okay?

First of all, I truly believe most fleshlights are single use. I think most dudes get a look at the cleaning process and they go, I'm good. And they toss it. Yeah. When you clean these things, which is so demoralizing. Yeah. It's the most, I mean, dude, you have to, you're, you're going all the way in with like hand soap and like trying to like scoop your own come out.

Yeah. And then when you're done you dry it thoroughly and you're supposed to dust it with cornstarch that's what keeps the stickies off dust it with cornstarch dust it with cornstarch like a kid just threw up in school yeah yeah cover with maple sawdust the wood chips around the factor let puke i was gonna say it's gonna start feeling like changing a baby's diapers. It is easier to have a baby than a pussy. Oh my God. Yeah.

Well, I had a flashlight once. I got it as a gift. Pass away? Did you ever clean it? Stole it. No, I just, like you're right. You're supposed to fuck it once and then you roof it. Well, I also did.

Imagine like a fucking, a gutter you're working with your dad for the summer like cleaning gutters he's just like broom sticking dildos off the roof a football a basketball just a fucking dildo a nerf pussy howler it's like the pizza dad's blaming mom yeah uh yeah no i'm saying like i agree with you i think it's like it's the the cost of uh the energy of cleaning it's like so it's so immense that you're just like it wasn't also like the the girth of it it's so big it's like you're jerking off a bigger dick As you're fucking you're just like I'm so fucking gay dude, I'm really fucking I know this is mostly flashlight, but no, I don't think so. I think it's struggling

Am I in the I think I might be hitting the back of this thing Yeah dude when your dick comes to the other side You're like Jesus dude I'm fucking using it It would only make sense if you put it in like a couch like this Like right in that thing And you really get some hip action Well that's the move yeah Cause this took so long Like I started cramping like the fingers and such And I was like I can't

And after one time I was like that was cool but like dude i could do this yeah but dude imagine you never get pussy right that's what it's really for it's not for like wow i'd like to jerk off in a great way right now yeah it's not for that yeah they're shoving that in the insert of like a paper mache body yeah yeah yeah they've got an ipad with like girls profile pictures directly above it yes damn that's a good yeah but once they get but you get but you get pussy you know what i'm saying yeah but it wouldn't prepare you for pussy it's not like it's nowhere near pussy of course not yeah right we're comparing it's barely near butthole dude i know but it's like you it's like you might as well jerk off i also jerk off and i might order fake boobs and just squeeze them all night i see that i like right

yeah yeah yeah as opposed to a fake pussy yeah yeah that's a way better big heaters that like have a nice touch to them i remember the first time yeah yeah yeah at like the ymca i like in the women's locker room we found like uh one of those one of those one of those one of those one of those burke hit the record scratch sound effect i'm sorry at the ymca in the women's locker room yeah we found one of those those little tit inserts and it feels so much like a tit yeah and you know you're like like nine years old just being like what the fuck dude this is incredible i just yeah i hung on to that did you get caught no

no no it was like a thing that I remember like the orchestra of boners I remember all summer like our friends like passing it around yeah

you get touched I love you so much oh god I love you yeah it was great damn do you remember the first time you saw a tit yeah

in real life I do yeah in real life i do yeah real life no i absolutely do man me too first time you saw a tit that blew your mind or first time you know just like that's redundant yeah my mind yeah yeah right not the first time i saw a tit was my mom's exactly that didn't blow your mind i hope not yeah so it's just i mean like was that at the y2 as a child not a child an adolescent yeah it wasn't like your girlfriend it wasn't like hooking up going oh shit yeah i was never really a tit guy honestly dude i got so i got so blown over by what tommy's talking about yeah

by the time i saw a girlfriend's tit i was i was already ruined by the tit that tommy's talking all right well tell me about your tit so when, my goodness, I must have been between 10 and 12 years old. Perfect, like just coming online to the idea of tits. Yes. You know what I'm saying? Yes, yes, yes. I had this wigger older brother, and he had a girlfriend. You remember when wiggers used to have disproportionately hot girlfriends?

Yeah. Remember that? Yeah, yeah. Those are sexy people. This dude had a girlfriend that looked like Vicky Valancourt from Waterworld. And, dude, she had probably to this day the – like if I had to do a tit power ranking, this is probably number one to this day. Still.

It must be. And obviously, dude, this is through the lens of a child. Rose Tinted Glasses. Number one, Dawn McDonald. No, I bet they're still good. Dude. Not like, not her now. I bet they're not great now.

But I'm saying if you look back now. You know what? If we're talking impact, it'll never be top. That's what it is. Maybe, who knows? Technically, who knows how they stack up against every other tit in the world. But as far as impact on me, this like yeah for fundamental stuff so or formative stuff so uh we had an above ground pool and dude my brother was a wigger hot tub dude my brother

was a wigger so you know he was roughhousing with his girl in the in the pool just slap off and i remember the first dude and she was wearing like the the the most like risque bikini you could get away with in front of your boyfriend's family yeah and i remember dude and this was like an entire summer that this that this went on and the first day i was like i'm gonna be hanging out by the back window pretty much this whole so i got nothing to do yeah i probably for i probably went without making friends because i was just like i'm gonna hang out in the laundry room see what's up up. You know what I mean? Just staring out the pool every day. And I remember one day I had a feeling when I got up, I was like, they're coming over.

They're definitely going to go swimming and he's going to be horsing around too much. Today's the day. I could feel it. Honestly, it felt like the birds were singing it to me when I woke up that day. And sure enough, dude, he's trying to fucking like chicken fight against nobody with her in the pool. And after one of the big dunks, she came up and it was out. And I was just like, yes, this was everything. This is why we play.

I took off my headset through my clipboard on the ground. You see a big pong on the tire for your birthday. Yeah, like don't get me wrong man I have a lovely family And I adore them But when I'm When I'm closing my eyes The last time

And I'm dying That's the moment I'm gonna be thinking about That's gonna be your rosebud That's fine Fat shit Mine was around the same age I was like 10 years old

And I was on a beach In Sea Isle And This woman Comes out of the water in a what do you call it? Bathing suit. Wet suit.

Oh no, wet suit. She was fully- Tid, coma. Like surfing? Yeah, surfing head to toe wet suit. Did she unzip? Yeah, she unzipped. With a cable?

Dude, let me slowly tell you what happened. Let me entice you. I can fucking sketch it. If you titillate me right now, I'm leaving. It's unreal. And it was one of those short beaches where it was just under, it doesn't matter. So I'm on a blanket. What do you mean?

Like where retarded kids hang out? My best short beach. On the beach, this chick comes up and she starts panicking. And she's so close that I am like concerned. At 10 years old, I'm like, what's wrong with her? She's going fucking nuts. And then she starts saying loudly, she's like, I can't find my ring. I can't find my ring.

She lost her wedding ring. And in such a panic, she unzips her wetsuit and just takes her tits out. She's flopping her wetsuit down. And I am 10 feet away from just bombs doing jello shots. Panic tits. Panic tits. That's awesome. And she doesn't care about, like, who's around.

In that moment, she's just. Horror movie tits. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much horror movie tits. This is a stripper in a fight at Waffle House tits. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much horror movie tits. This is a stripper in a fight at Waffle House tits. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But yeah, no fight. Like no chicken fight. There was no fight in the game. Only her. Just panic. And the disappointment of her husband who she would have to go home to saying, I don't have a wedding ring.

Yeah. Sorry, I lost my wedding ring taking my tits out at the beach. Well, she got on all fours too. Stop. She dropped right to the sand. That's what I got on all fours too stop she dropped right to the stop that's what I got so I saw she starts sucking the sand I saw bare tits exposed and I was completely baffled and then she drops down and I saw swinging tits on all fours this is like this is like taking a course for what's going to happen.

This is like a scene from an old Italian movie. Like some real artsy American pizza pie. This is an Italian surfing film. 1960s Italian. That changed me, man. That's formative. That's different than a regular team that's a sliding doors moment because then there's a version of you that did not have this experience

and it's like i don't know you're probably a banker or something you know you wear pants that go down to your shoes you know what i mean who knows what kind of impact this had on us who doesn't invade ukraine it's a butterfly effect everything's spiraled out from this one yeah shout out to Cindy from Seattle For showing your tits Saving the world And Kiev Wow man

Although you seem like a tit magnet though Like I imagine like once that Once the floodgates opened They fell out of the sky for you Oh you mean the availability of tits Or my adoration for things? Well, both. Yeah, a little bit of both.

Because once you give a little bit back, they come back to you. You got to show love to get love. That's the universe, baby. It's the tunaverse. You can only say that while resting on a basketball. Oh, by the way, Chris, at the shore beach, the only part of you that's not sunburned is the shoulder that doesn't have the WWE heavyweight belt.

You guys still watch wrestling? I'm close. Close to quitting or close to getting back in? No, close to getting in because a friend of ours asked if he could come over and watch it the other night. That's because you've got a brain tumor. And I said no, but it got me to thinking like, man, I really had a lot of fun when I used to watch wrestling.

So I'm going to give it a shot and see if I can get back into it for SummerSlam. I can see you getting back into that. I think going to it would be incredibly fun. I think it would be so much fun. I'd make a sign for sure. Like what runs runs off? Because the energy in the building is probably

insane. With insane people. Yes. Well it's like 90% special kids. Exactly. And adults that are taking care. It's theater. It's like it's theater in an arena. And it's ridiculous. It's gotta be ridiculous. Yeah. And I bet up

close a lot of that action is actually very impressive yeah well you guys ever been to wrestling shows no you ever go to like an independent wrestling show no see that i'd be even those are very sick that i'd be even they yeah i've been to like a bunch of like chikara and ring of honor stuff in philly it's at the old ecw arena or it used to be i've been going in years but like yeah watch them do come out and do something like a high flying in front of like you come out and do something like high-flying in front of 30 people and they all lose their minds is powerful

shit. Tim, at the independent shows, are people of the same intelligence level as high-level wrestling productions? Yeah, it's like genius retarded people. You know what I mean? It's like dudes who have very specific deep knowledge about a thing, but it looks like they can't wipe their ass or brush their teeth. Do you know what I mean it's like dudes who have like very specific deep knowledge about a thing

but it looks like they can't wipe their ass or brush their teeth you know what i'm talking about yeah like they're experts but it look like they could drown in the sink any given day see and those people get hyped yeah for events just like balding 22 year olds with long hair and shit wireframe glasses is very fucked up. Is it a spectacle? That's got to be. Yeah. That's the retard paradox.

It's like you belong in a cage and you love steel cages too. I'm sorry. Is this that kind of podcast? A lot of pregnant smokers. We'll be right back with locking up retarded people. Yeah. I would, you, we should go sometime. You guys want to go? The backyard thing I get.

I want to go to Destruction Derby. Oh, yeah. I want to drive in one. Yeah. I've always wanted to drive in one of those. That'd be tough. What's your car of choice? Long Caddy?

Yeah, I was thinking like boxy Buick. Yeah. You know? I feel like there's a lot of CTE going on in the destruction derby world. Yeah. Really? Definitely. You can't spell catalytic converter without it, baby.

They don't lock in, right? In derby? They don't do that, like, change of the helmet shit? No, they got white helmet, seat belt. Or maybe they have the double, the cross. Yeah, and then when your car is, like, fully disabled, you get out and wave, and then another car fishtails you. Yeah.

It's cool. I feel like the biggest issue is the whiplash, not the fucking head smash. Well, it's all just, if your head is doing this a lot, it's not good. I think you get CTE from riding a jet ski. Damn. From bouncing. That's my dream. To be successful enough to get CTE from jet skiing.

He's got Jamaican CTE. Damn. You know he was doing well. He's got CTE from jet skiing. I can't wait to hang a child from the handlebars of my jet ski. How is he, Doc? He's not too iry.

He just keeps going to another state. Dude, fucking handlebars of my jet ski how is he doc he's not too iry dude fucking i'm not kidding you i want to see you do oh that's the dream yeah i want to is that the stand-up one no i want the uh like three four person so you do yeah it's around like a jet ski who's your who's your dream three passengers? Damn. Fuck Mary Jet Ski. All of us just... Fuck Mary Jet Ski. Jesus. What do you do to prepare for this punish?

Start his car with the garage door closed. What do you do to prepare for this? This is all the time. Start his car with the garage door closed. You were in the fucking derby. Came up in the derby. Yeah, I was. I was in the original crash up derby. My mom was abused when she was pregnant. The old steps McGee.

And he's okay. Are you both still alive? Yeah. Yeah, I think they're 76 and 74. Yeah, my pop just turned 76. Do you think they're still sexually active? No. The reason why I think that is because my mom yelled something that could have been a joke.

It could have been for real. You know Cecily Tynan, the ABC News weather lady, very hot? Yeah. Well, there was a time recently where she was out for some kind of medical issue. They wouldn't specify what it was, but they said that she had a medical issue and she'll be back soon. And my dad yelled out, what is it, Cecily? If you need an organ, I'll donate. And my mom yelled from the kitchen, why don't you donate the one that doesn't work anymore? Oh.

Yeah, so I don't think they're important. and she's mad about it yeah damn dude if my dick stops working and my elderly wife makes fun of it i'll kill her on the spot yeah but how wet is her pussy getting yeah but it doesn't have the same pizzazz if i'm like yeah your pussy's dry no pussies yeah pussies dry up yeah obviously nobody's talking about it yeah they don't have the same pizzazz if I'm like, yeah, your pussy's dry. Yeah, pussy's dry up. Yeah, obviously. Nobody's talking about it. They also don't have to do anything. They can underperform and you wouldn't know.

If they're not into it, if we get in our own head. You don't notice when they're not into it? No, no, I'm saying like internally. Because it's palpable to me. Imagine Tommy just pounding away. He's like, what are you doing down there? This thing's going to get wet or what? He starts jackhammering. No, I mean like your bird

is telling the woman you're into it because it's hard. Yeah. The chick can just like, yeah, they can just hack through it and be like, yeah.

No, but they don't get, like old ladies don't get wet. You just got to pretend. How many old ladies have you fucked? Dude, I... I'm interested in the answer, actually. Yeah, yeah.

No, so I worked in, like, pharmaceuticals, like, marketing for a while. And I used to have to watch these... You read pamphlets about old lady pussy? I would edit research videos where there would be people interviewing old women whose pussies have dried up. And they would be like, you know, what's it like? And they're like, it's a nightmare. They're like, you know, because it's like, I want to get wet. It's like hot when I get wet.

And then we can just like fuck fast. You know what I mean? I don't want to have to like lube up. Oh, you get to squirt some stuff in there. No, but it's a whole. I mean, imagine if your dick had a pump. We should make lube. No, it still gets hard.

I just need to pump it up. We should make lube go-gurts for old lady pussies. Just because, like, I mean, the whole thing of, like, getting out a tube and opening it and then, like, oh, is that too much? And you're like, oh, my hand's so fucking slippery now. I can't grab ass as hard. You know what I'm talking about?

Just juice her up with a fucking Capri Grandson. Capri grandson. Capri grandson. Yeah, dude. We should make like a... You know what I mean? You're good to go. You got to elbow... Break the fucking glass plate over your elbow to get it out.

I've seen the little syringe in porn. They got a little syringe where they squirt stuff up. Yeah. So they got that. But this was the most heartbreaking part during these interviews.

They would be like, what if there was a pill that you could take that would, you know, you'd get wet. Sob them up. Yeah.

Yeah. And they were like, oh, that'd be amazing. Does that exist? And they were like, no. No.

Would that be cool though? Imagine being a scientist. You're like, no, that'd be cool as fuck though, right? You're in a lab coat. Dude. Yeah, that would be so tight. Dude, I just think with elderly sex, like, nobody enjoys it. You're like, no, that'd be cool as fuck though, right? You're in a lab coat. Dude.

I just think with elderly sex, nobody enjoys it. It's like you're riding a children's roller coaster. Everybody's like, whoa. I mean, you'd have to be... What's the oldest lady you fuck? This is for you two because I never fucked an old lady. I had sex with a 55-year-old when I was 23 years old,

I'm sure. Okay. So 55, Chris, can you confirm, did they still get wet at 55? They absolutely did. I don't know.

I think I hooked up with a lady that was like almost 60 in Florida once. She was hot though. Did she get wet? I'm not sure what happened. What? Did she get wet? During Jeopardy she get wet during jeopardy i don't remember i'm not even sure i don't i don't even know if we did anything call me pat say jack you old bitch she like came back to my room and we like slept. At 6.30 at night?

Yeah. I had to shut the blinds because the sunlight's coming in. We finished our paninis around 4.15. She got the real early bird. Yeah, she did. She got up early and left. She's like looking over. Glenn's like, Christopher, are you coming to bed?

So you didn't have sex with her? I have no idea. I don't think so. You can still hear kids outside playing basketball. You're like, I guess so. Chris,

did she have to move like stacks and stacks of old newspapers off the bed so you could fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's just beating off next to her

and all I hear is... Oh, Christopher, that's so good. Oh, you're making my pussy so wet, Christopher. Close the blinds. She smells like mothballs. Close the blinds. She tells you she's going to slip into something more comfortable. She just takes off her diabetic socks.

She falls in the shower. No, I'm not a monster. I put a chair in there. Paramedics come. Chris is like, tell him I broke your hip. Oh, man. But did it occur to you? Were you thinking this is an old lady

or was it just a hot older woman? It's part of the whole sexual fantasy. Was her old lady skin a nightmare to touch? No, she was only 55, so it wasn't like... And she had fake boobs and she was hot. Cool. And I was also...

Four or 55 years old. I was young, too, so it was exotic. Yeah, of course it is yeah like eating at the rainforest cafe you're 25 and like all you've been doing is touching you know like young people you don't you don't realize it's still the same movements you don't realize the value of skin yeah yeah yeah you don't realize did it make you appreciate younger ladies more or were you just like that was a nice little treat well there is something

about like sleeping with like damn i know it's gonna happen but like wait i when you sleep with someone that's like young 20s mid-20s at my age now you're like that's a tender veal you know it's like it's got like sea otter skin it then you go back to like someone that's like in their 40s you're like jesus yeah there's a wild hug this in the garage yeah yeah just cooking in the sun there's an obvious we call those a barn find yeah yeah there's an obvious. We call those a barn find. Yeah. There's an obvious, you know, taste and feel test. Yeah. That you're like, oh, shit, I forgot what skin was like.

Yeah. 20 years ago. But that can quickly. When you can't bring it up, you can't be like, Jesus Christ. You're so fucking stupid. I know, but then. Go Gert. You also start.

You feel just like Stretch Armstrong, blood. You ever want to go to a wrestling event? You also start You feel just like Stretch Armstrong blood Wow It does You ever want to go to A wrestling event My buddy's got dick It does start making you like If you're in the middle Of that situation

You start going like Touching my skin Must be a nightmare A nightmare Dude Touching my skin Must be horrific Yeah

You start apologizing Wax paper You start apologizing For your gray chest hair. Like, I'm sorry, baby. You don't have to sleep over and just think,

it's okay. Shut up. You realize how bad it is again? But yeah, Tender Veal. Oh my God. You should start that podcast. Look at this.

We'd like to thank our sponsor, Boyscape. Come on, Dish. That's cool, man. Tommy, this is a good item to have at when we're talking about old lady skin. Thanks for putting that out here. That's what your bellinis are going to feel like in 10 years. Your balls? Yeah, bellinis.

Why would your balls feel like a tight basketball? An inflated basketball? Look at the outside. It's little bubbles. Little coarse bubbles. When's the last time you felt tight balls? My balls are tight

all the time i what i'm all meat no potato that's why you're always turning the heat up huh that's why you're probably yeah i got no cold balls you don't hang no my god it's disgusting i know yeah i don't like it off my nuts go up like a fucking like a squirrel just find a nut they right oh man do they go up into the hip? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Beaten off in sex.

Nuts go up. They come down for a little bit just to check the temp, but they hang like two inches down. When I was squatting heavy, when I was squatting heavy, my right ball would go inside my body. Really? When I was squatting heavy. Yeah.

My right ball would go up inside my body. What do you do to get them out? You, you'd like, I'd like push on my leg. I do this shit in the gym, dude. In front of the squat rack. You just put sunflower seeds in your socks. You got to get your trainers got to blow into your mouth.

Thanks, bro. That's what the lung alarm is actually for. The old hunk alarm. You just keep one long hair on your ball so you can play. It's like an IUD. Old safety valve. Dude, long nuts on a younger dude is the strangest looking thing in the world. I don't want nuts.

I don't think long nuts is not... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Long nuts. Long nuts on a younger dude is the strangest looking thing in the world. I don't want nuts. I don't think long nuts is not... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Long nuts. Long nuts on a young dude. I hope I never get them. Yeah, I think we're younger guys. When do you see a young guy... You don't like hangers on your boys?

Dudes in the 30s, like long nuts. If some dude's like, yeah, I got a sack. Yeah, like a guy on an electric scooter going to his office job. You don't want to see long nuts on that kind of guy. I get you. I wouldn't want that. Do you have long nuts? Variously, yeah.

I hate it. I hate it. So they'll come down. I want less nut every time. You what? I want less ball all the time. Yeah. You got hangers?

Yeah, I feel like my dick, my soft dick and my left nut have they're like they ride like you know like yeah yeah they ride like the dual cockpit thing and then the right net is to the baby sloth yeah yeah my my dick is drafting my life you've been driving on a hot day and you're just like how did i get that far down my leg? No. Damn, Tim. I've never had that. What about when you're shaving your balls? You ever just, you're like, I can't believe how far this is. If your nuts are the peach, mine is the peach core. Like, I have, my nuts are.

There's no give in your sack. None. Oh my God. Even in the loosest manner. Nada. Really? Wow Tiny little pull

You got dog balls You got bad temperature control Maybe That's what you got It's probably because It's all bleeding Out of my forehead I sweat all day long

So my nuts are freezing You gotta bleed the grease My nuts My nuts are yo-yoing I can see that Temperature wise Well you're a weird kid Yeah you gotta put them

In a ponytail Weird kids have yo-yo Yeah no I bought a ponytail. Temperature-wise. Well, you're a weird kid. Yeah, you got to put them in a ponytail. Weird kids have yo-yoing. Yeah, no, I'm not a ponytail. I keep my nuts in a wet bun. Like those chicks in fun, those hot chicks at like Catholic high schools that do like quick crunches. Oh, you're ball scrunchy?

Yeah. Like quick scrunch. Yeah. They whip it up. It's so hot. You got long nuts? I think they're regular. Like nothing to wear

I'm like come on Yeah I will say this though Like when I Take my clothes off I will often get frustrated Because my dick won't be At a level where

The bottom of my ball sack is Oh so you have long nuts No I think I have Smaller dick Regular nuts Dude that would be A micropenis It's not a micropenis

Exactly so you have long nuts Alright well Thank you doctor Well I don't know I don't think so Cause it's like If your nuts are stretching Beyond your

My nuts My nuts My nuts and dick If physical activity Is involved If I'm moving around They get the fuck Out of the way

My dick gets tiny My balls shrink out Right But then if I'm chilling They lax out Yeah they come out Yeah yeah They chill

It's like an opium day. Everybody's everywhere. Do you remember Chris Hopkins? The Antipater? I don't think so. He was a year younger than me. Okay. And he had a tennis ball-sized testicle.

We called him Hoppy. And he would pull out his testicle before every game in the locker room for like a... Would you smack it like Notre Dame? I couldn't touch it out of respect. Gay like a champion today. Nobody called a doctor? Dude, I don't know what happened to him. But he would pull it out and we'd all go nuts before every game.

It literally was a side effect. There you go. One pun in there. But only one. It wasn't his whole sack. It was one testicle. That's crazy. They made a movie about it.

Remember the elephantitis? Dude. Dude. testicle that's crazy they made a movie about it remember the elephant titus dude you think he ropes i i don't know i guess because it comes from the commies so when he comes it probably sounds like a balloon deflating what kind of animal you kids like tries to fly out of his nuts. It's all over the room. Damn. Oh my God. How did that look?

Maybe you're right. I think that's it because I got weak comings. Oh, you drip. Yeah, well, I don't just, it's not all drip, but it's not like a plow. Yeah, but you crank it twice a day, don't you? Yeah, well, I don't just not all drip, but it's not like a wow.

Yeah, but you crank it twice a day, don't you? Yeah, more than that still. Yeah. Yeah, you're never going to have any kind of velocity. You know what I've been doing since you told me? What did I tell you? About six months ago. What did you do?

I take maca root. Oh, all right. Every day. Guess what? Volume increase. Seen some difference. That's pretty cool, man. Yeah. Thank you. Guess what? Volume. Volume increase. Seen some difference. That's pretty cool, man.

Yeah. Thank you. Maca root gives you volume. I took a maca plus ashwagandha or ashkawanda, whatever it's called. It's pretty common. I mean, they're laughing because these are silly words, but it's just because they're racist. They don't respect other cultures. That's right.

Indigenous peoples around the world have been using these to increase their cum volume for centuries. So yeah. Tommy knows what I'm talking about. Well, obviously they were struggling so much with their cum volume they needed a route to fix it yeah you're here in america oh it's holistic you know what i mean we yeah we eat processed foods in america we get fat and we come in thimble fulls yeah never again is what i say true yeah wait what's the second ingredient that i have to put in my ashwagandha ashwagandha yeah just ash ash hw it'll auto complete so then combine

yeah that's the only word that starts with that so then combine them combined was powerful for me really yeah what how does your lady feel when she sees you popping ashwagandha does she get excited about the ropes I'm internal I'm internal only so when when I she puts her mouth

beef in this guy needs ashwagandha just protect protect her front teeth from getting shipped from all that hard

she puts on rec specs damn Timmy just dropped Ashwagandha. I better get this car. She starts doing like windmills. She starts phelpsing. She's got a doggy pedal at all. It's calm.

Gets into a three-point stance. Yeah, but yeah. Like I was saying, I'm internal only, but when I get on my supplements, she'll'm like, oh, what do you mean? That's all I do. Oh, you only you don't pull. My wife hasn't seen my cum in probably ten years. Oh, OK. OK. Really?

Don't you like seeing it? Mm. Chris does. Not really. I'm being honest. Yeah. Why? Man, I'm just I you know what? Maybe it's that I don't care about that as much as I'm being honest, yeah. Why? I don't know, man. I'm just, you know what? Maybe it's that I don't care about that as much as I do about busting inside. Busting inside's nice, but also like sometimes you want to see what kind of ropes you're throwing down. You know what?

I'll pull out a couple times for you. Yeah. And I'll get back to you. Also, sometimes the fucking's going on for a while. You've almost edged yourself a little bit by the way that you're switching positions. You're doing all kinds of different stuff. And you're like, this one's going to be huge.

I can't just let this die in the dark. It's so true. It's not so true. I got to see what comes out. I've had sessions where I would slowly beat myself like in the morning trying to prime a big boy yeah so i'll beat to like non-completion tease myself and i'll do it in certain sessions yeah so that like i'm gonna impress this girl and then i would like wait a couple days yeah i would tease for a couple days yeah you ferment it beyond yeah you

age and like it's grifter sire sauce and then and then i'm like this is it and then we and i'm like just i'm like i've been working i struggled and all iped and saved sperm is just like water sliding just wait for the struggle but they never got the speed enough to go all the way down no those are the best

when you're like you're at home jerking off and then your lady comes home from work right right before you're about to come

and you're like oh my god I'm so horny yeah I'm so horny we're just gonna fuck and then you just yeah just

then you take it to the limit one more time yeah and those that's always great because like um girls like when you come fast oh yeah dude they love it no they're favorite when you come medium no they do girls want you to come medium for a quick afternoon fuck if you've already fucked a few times yeah quick afternoon fuck yeah like leaning over the kitchen sink or something? Yes. Yeah.

Well, preface it with that. Start with that. Yeah. I'm not saying universally. Girls love it when you come before you can even get your pants off. Yeah, yeah. They love that shit.

Yeah, yeah. It's like, I'm so fucking hot to get dude just busted in two seconds. That I get. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, when you guys were porking old ladies, did they care whether you pulled out or left it in there? I don't remember. I only had one old lady and I black. Yeah. Yeah. Now, when you guys were porking old ladies, did they care whether you pulled out or left it in there? I don't remember. I only had one old lady, and I blacked out. This old lady, I took her from... Is a very, very fine old lady.

I took her from a bar in North Wildwood. One of the most popular... Kenan's? Yeah, it was one of those. Gateway 26 Arcade? Where all the old bats just run around looking for young steez. And I took her back to the house I was staying at. Wild stuff on the steps outside.

And then we went into the outdoor shower. Because I couldn't get into the house. She couldn't make it up the steps. She's riding the lift all the way up. She's sucking your dick as she's going up. Just putting one leg up the stairs.

Imagine eating an old lady out on the stairs. Just going up one step at a time on all fours. Your boys watching you knee climb up the stairs as you eat this old bitch's pussy. I'm coming, and I can't get up. That is the worst. Do you ever eat pussy with your ass in the air? Yes.

Oh, we talked about this. Yeah, you can't do that. I just feel like somebody's going to shoot me with one of those like clown game fucking water guns. Yeah. It's like if you have older siblings, you just always think something's going to go right in your head. Yeah.

You can't expose your bum from the back. As soon as you realize it, you're like, I'm not fucking gay. Yeah. Dude, the second my knees hit the mattress eating pussy, I'm like, someone's going to break into the house. It feels like someone's going to rob me. I like to be in the position of that one, like, army figurine.

Always different. With the leg up. Dude, you're holding your rifle in front of you with both hands. This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

Yeah, we should all get pussy eating action figures. That would be incredible if there's someone out there that can make that. Oh my God. Pussy eating action figures. We're all at home with those intense magnifying glasses. Mike's character, he's got the binoculars in one hand and out of the other. It's OBGY Joe.

That is incredible. That's why I can only eat pussy up against the wall. OBGY Joe. You'd be the only character. Holy fuck. How close are we? I gotta pee.

You gotta pee? Yeah, I gotta pee. We need... What? You gotta hold that for eight minutes. We got another like ten minutes.

Give the people what they want. Yeah. Holy fuck. Wow. I finally watched that M. Night Shyamalan series, The Servant, which takes place in Silicon Valley. Oh, it's great. It's okay. I finally watched that M. Night Shyamalan series

The Servant Which takes place in Oh it's great It's okay I saw the first season Yeah it got good It got actually interesting I thought the first season

Was really good The front end was so annoying But it did get very good Yeah And it's cool that it's shot In Philly I used to hang around that My lady used to live in that area

What area is it? Spruce Like I was there When they were filming That live in that area What area is it? Spruce Like I was there When they were filming that whole thing It's about a 22nd in Spruce A dead baby right? That turns out to be not dead

Yeah yeah yeah And then comes the life Of some shit Stop don't spoil it I was considering watching it But I didn't It is good But the thing is

With M. Night Shyamalan You're just like I just don't have any He writes in a way That it's like Dude have you ever met anybody? Yeah yeah yeah Have you ever met a single person? Like there's so much That happens in a way that it's like dude have you ever met anybody yeah yeah you met a single person like there's so much that happens in that thing that it's like and i and i

try not to be like i used to be the guy who's like that's not real but now i'm like it's supposed to be entertaining this is entertainment allow yourself to be scared just don't try to def i've been actually been trying to get to science your way out of being scared in a horror movie you fucking pussy why you know what that is you know what that is i've been thinking about this a lot i've been trying to get like whenever i watch like tv and movies i've been trying to put myself in a trance and i think that's part of why people don't take anything like they watch seriously because you're always just like half watching and you're like looking at your phone and shit and now i'm trying to like okay let this movie take me i also been smoking weed a ton since i lost my job but i'm trying to

like be taken somewhere when i when i take in like a movie or tv so i think i think that's why people i think that's why maybe that's why you were did you are you a big phone guy while you're watching no no no no i was i was invested in this thing i was i was dialed in i just as as a no not this thing i mean before habitually yeah uh no i usually like i usually get engaged i like i hate looking i can i can feel my i can like i always get to a place where i can feel that i've been looking at my phone like fucking too much and i just like yeah you just like you need those like weird hits i've been watching like old timey movies because they don't give a fuck about your attention span at all they're like when they

made a movie they were like these people are coming here for the day to watch this yeah yeah so we'll we'll make this three hours 45 minutes of which is credits and we'll just slowly take you through a story. There's nothing that it's like, we might lose the audience here. It's like, they are not going to leave. They paid 25 cents for this. One of their horses died getting to this movie. So yeah, that stuff's great.

But this one was just like, there's just little things in the movie. I'm trying to think of moments of it where you're just like, that is so no one would ever do that. And I don't, I don't know who would say that. It's also like, I think there's some bad acting, like the main actor is supposed to be like kind of this like cool, he's supposed to be like kind of a bad-ass Philly guy. Oh, that's never a good thing.

He's supposed to be like a bad-ass Philly guy guy who's a chef but he doesn't really pull it off and then he has like lines that are supposed to be funny later on that is like that a cool philadelphia guy would say but it just comes off my where the fuck are my knives yeah yeah yeah it just comes off so bad yeah and also yeah m night chamelon i just have no faith in his ability to do anything. Well, I got to give M. Night credit because he keeps getting back on the horse and every time he's released something for the past 15 years,

people have been like, boo, fuck you, dude. This is the worst ever. They're going to find out. How does he not? He was on Epstein's plane or something like that. I don't know how he keeps getting financing. He was dead the entire time.

I don't know. There's no way. There's just no way people could keep funding these things. Like, this will go well. I think they keep making money. Dude, the best M. Night Shyamalan movie I've ever seen was the one in the elevator the whole time. Devil? Devil.

Because it was me and this lady Who brought a baby Into the theater We were the only ones there And somebody must have Alerted the manager That the lady had a baby In Devil And we were the only Three people in there

Me, this lady, and this baby And the manager came in And he's like Look you can't really have kids Babies at the theater And she's fucking screaming At him while Devil's going on That's the only reason

Why I enjoy Devil You're like wait is this one of those where on the ticket do it say i can't bring a child interactive yeah yeah yeah what's part of the movie it was like tommy and louise's wedding or whatever what's that one play where they like they come out of the audio tony and tina tommy and louise kill themselves at the end of the dinner. Yeah, I feel like it's one of those things. I got a final callback doing an audition for that show.

Servant. Oh, really? Yeah. For the baby? No, I was like a hard... I was a ball extra for the baby. Ball double. They were eating my nuts. Thank you. Imagine being all... extra for the baby okay Tommy so I want you to imagine in this got one of those green screen suits, but only my nuts are there. I got one of those white golf balls attached to this actual ball.

I can just pluck my nuts. You know, I'm just a full-sized man moving around the room. Tommy, good news, you got the call. I'm going to pay $300 a week. We've never seen anything like that. Your balls have to join SAG. Fuck you, Mike. Oh, my God. God, dude.

Oh, my God. Actually, I got a SAG waiver. Wow, dude.