Stuff Island - Stuff Island #29 - bidet on weck w/ Matt Wayne

Episode Date: May 25, 2022

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I got fucking well that's the other thing too is like those shitty smells like something like a like a shitty trash can When it's over you swear you can still smell it like you it's like you feel like it's in your dna Yes, yes. Yeah, but he said like I I could do an eight ball of cocaine You could for sure over the course of the night for you 100 But there is something about smelling Fucking there was a flat tire guy in front of us course of the night for you a hundred percent but there is something about smelling fucking there was a flat tire guy in front of us oh my god as we were merging for like 30 seconds it's caught in the vents that'll give me a burning headache for two hours yeah the bleach that i have to lay down

out front that'll bleed through our fucking blinds i'll have a headache for three hours yeah simple things like that yet i'll take gases from unknown sources in Mexico, chopped up with leaves, put into a paste, and then into a powder, travel through probably shitty Bernie fucking... Yeah, probably in someone's asshole. Yeah, in someone's asshole.

Yeah. And then no problem. Just right up there, baby. You know, a little foggy the next day. Yeah, the point is, I agree with you like cleaning products fuck me up let's have a buzz from burning tires for sure yeah yeah that's the biggest one for me burning burning tires burning rubber those motherfuckers that have

mufflers that are coughing out you could see the hole in the ozone that's just eating up you know what i mean like what's wrong with you have you not changed your oil in a fucking decade? Don't you see it out your rear view mirror? Yeah, but you know what? What is, what's the logic there? And I'm dead serious. I'm dead, I'm dead serious. I don't know how to operate a car other than putting gas in it.

Anytime I see someone in that type of situation, I'm like, I'm, I would be that guy. Yeah, or. If the car started to break down and I was on the highway, I would just keep going. I would keep going until I could get off yeah if i got a bum wheel i'm fucking four flat tires i am driving hobbling back to the next exit because in that situation that car is just one of many problems that that person is having bingo you know what i mean the car they're like ah we can make it who gives a shit where are we to put this body?

Yeah. That's the Dingleberry situation. That girl's got so much lint in her asshole. If she's just going to ride home on two flat tires, she doesn't care about her hygiene. I took so many fucking bad Ubers this weekend. First of all,

I woke up every morning so insanely hungover, right? And then a heat wave hit, 90 fucking 5 degrees, like heat index of 100. This is the worst city to be hungover in. And it's like I was at a place with no air conditioning, so I slept and just sweat and then just woke up

and was like, oh, fuck, fuck. And I need to take an Uber home. And I'm like, just... Oh, fuck, fuck. The double fuck. This Uber, it was like, I just need this Uber to have air conditioning. That's all I need.

I am dying. How do they not? I will puke in the car. I feel like that's a requirement. Guy shows up, four windows down. I'm like, fuck. Does that mean that the AC is broken? Is he trying to save gas?

They're just not doing it. What car are we talking? What year? What make and model? Because gas prices are so high right now. It was like a Toyota Camry. True. Yeah, I guess.

That's exactly what it is. So people aren't going to burn the AC that they do. Four windows down. Not to be racially insensitive, but you know, you jump in that cab. The guy's hygiene is also not up to par. And he's trying to save money. And he's got that fucking, he turns one vent on. He's got that big cock hose going in the back.

And it's just like a fat chick blowing lightly on you, like lukewarm air. This is old. You're like, can I put the windows down? He's like, AC on, AC on. It's like, no, it isn't. It isn't fucking on. If that's on, turn it higher. Yeah.

My number one fucking pet peeve for road trips in the summer is get going someone wants to sit in the front seat they're like i got a shotgun and they sit in the front seat then they say the ac's too cold yeah well that's like that's your fucking problem yeah dude you want to put a sweater on yeah because absolutely unless we're in good shape you got to take whatever's up there. And forget cars. That goes for any place. No one should ever complain about air conditioning ever. No.

Yes. Fuck you. Leave. Yes. Yes. Let's do call it here. Goodbye. Yeah.

Fuck off, dude. Because I'm dying over here. A hundred percent. Yeah. You got to line up all your friends and take the meat wagon and go, you get up front. Dude, I think I hate summer. I try every year. I don't know if it's just our first experience with heat, but I was in that 99 degrees and

I was like, fuck this. Fuck this. Go back to winter. I'm the same way. I might get the opposite of seasonal depressive disorder. I'm with you. I'm with you. Listen, I'm a pasty, stocky boy from Buffalo, okay?

This is the beginning of the end for me. Like the fact that it was 64th, the fact that I could wear a jacket today, I was like, yes. Nice relief. I don't show up here, I'm like, let's do the, you know what I mean? And, you know, my wife's the same way. She's a pasty, curvy gal. And every summer, right around April, we're like,

this is going to be the summer. We become summer people. We're going to get hats. We're going to go to the beach. We're going to, you know, I'm going to teach you how to throw a spiral, babe.

Yeah. We talked and, every summer, like three weeks in, I'm like, I just want to fucking be chewing ice in a North pole and just wait to die. Yeah. Yeah.

Because most of your life is spent not at the beach. Yeah. And it makes everything else. Hell. Yeah. It's like, I can't at the beach. Yeah. And it makes everything else hell. Yeah. It's like I can't even walk anywhere without drenched. And now I'm starting to worry. I was like, what clothes do I soak through?

Yes. You know what I mean? You're like, how about... I guess I'm just all dark colors. And New York City, though, is filled with these dry, attractive people who have layers on. Now they beat a sweat on their face. And you're like, what are you doing? What is happening? Thank you. What the fuck? I'll wear'll wear black jeans if you're like why are you wearing black i'm like

feel the back of my ass and then ring if these were blue jeans yeah you'd have a map of australia back there yeah and i get the same way i get frustrated if i see a dry forehead in like middle of july on the train worked out like a suit what what how yeah what's wrong with you and then i start thinking about my beads and then the beads get I get worked up. With a suit? How? What's wrong with you? And then I start thinking about my beads and then the beads get, they get. It is something you,

what is that, psychosomatic? Is that what they call that? Yes. I'm not smart. You get sweatier and sweatier. Yes, yes, yes. You'll sweat because

you're thinking about yourself. Dude, it happened, it happened even. about how much more sweat's coming. Dude, it happened coming here today. I got out of the shower and I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here.

I'm like, it's in the low 60s. Why am I sweating so much? Because I can't find my keys. Where's a mask? I gotta get a mask. I'm like, and i gotta get the fuck out of here i'm like it's in the low 60s why am i sweating so much because i can't find my keys where's a mask i gotta get a mask like and the more i'm thinking about sweating i'm like awful well that's what i we haven't put in the ac units yet which is why i was so pissed off earlier because i was like i opened up my windows in the front we had all the windows open we were gonna get a nice breeze coming through here or i was like worried it would be hot And then this guy dumps all that shit and it's like fucking sewage

in the house. Literal sewage. Yeah. And now I'm like, well, okay. Now we're just going to sit in there and fucking bake. It's driving me. It's a nice time in here right now. It is. It's pretty good right now. Yeah, we get a nice little whip around in the backyard. Around 6 p.m. Yeah.

This is nice right now. 7 p.m. You don't take your coat off, do you? I feel great. I was watching Under the Banner of Heaven a whip around in the backyard. It's around 6 p.m. Yeah. This is nice right now. 7 p.m. It's starting to feel a little cool. You don't take your coat off, do you? I feel great. I was watching Under the Banner of Heaven and the guy was wearing an undershirt. What the hell is that? I'm bringing it.

It's just a show on Hulu. It's about Mormons that kill people. Sounds pretty cool. It's a good show. And I was... The guy, the main character, wears an undershirt. And I was like...

I know that I'm Like I get To maybe to contain sweat But it's like When would you ever I would never wear an undershirt Yeah It's just gonna make you sweat more I never do undershirts either dude

It's like going like this Yeah Yeah You're using more energy It's just gonna get worse You got two layers on I've stopped wearing I've stopped wearing undershirts

With hoodies If I'm Like especially in like the winter Hoodie On my bare chest and stomach. It feels like a million bucks. People think I'm crazy. They're like, you got nothing under there.

What if you want to take it off? I'm like, it's not coming off. Yeah. American Apparel. It does feel like a risky move. Does it? Am I wrong? Hold on.

No, you're not. And I'll tell you why you're not wrong. I don't know. It depends. If you get a comedy merch sweatshirt, you're going to bleed on your back. Yeah, yeah. But if you get a high quality material. I'm talking Gap Factory outlet.

That's in the middle. American Apparel used to have like, it was like panty liner, dude. It was like lingerie inside. Just like a thin coat of like alpaca hair. I don't know what it was. The softest substance on earth. It was just silkworm cum.

And you put that on with no t-shirt, it's like just being gently hugged by a midget it was wonderful feeling like you don't need an undershirt it also reminds me of like uh like howard stern when i was in like i think i was like 25 26 driving to work and he was interviewing this uh this uh this hooker okay and he was like this hooker. And he was like, what's the worst part of your job? And she's like, she goes, sucking a Jew's dick. She goes, them motherfuckers, they wear suits. They sweat all day long in the summer.

Them motherfuckers' dick. And that just stuck with me. I don't know why. Just Jewish dudes running around in full... They're ascetics, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I mean... In full suits. I think about that all the time when you... Orthodox.

Not when you see the men or the women, but when you see the kids, and they've been made to do this, and they see all of us walking around in shorts, and they wish they could have shorts on. I'm like, I feel for you, little man. Yeah. But you gotta have this stupid hat on.

Yeah. That should be the ultimate way to like break them free of religion they should just start kidnapping young take them to the gap yeah just it's like it's like knock them out fucking put them in a bathing suit and a sun shirt and put them in a pool with tommy leave them on the beach they wake up and they're like, dude. Oh, my God. I would change any kids, any kids path towards hard religion with one pool day. He'd be like, I don't care what your God does. You could change lives with this pool.

That's what I'm saying. We can get a fucking, we should get a nice above ground pool back there. We got room. You think? Yeah. What's an above ground pool cost? Like eight grand? No, it's like 400 bucks no i mean i mean one let's like you're gonna walk up a ladder it's got you got a nice deck attached to it that's like 600 bucks no come on no i don't know it's got to

be about eight grand ten grand yeah probably what do they call it call us i'm not good at pricing pools yeah yeah i got no idea what a pool costs Alright It's 6,000 patrons It's a good sign We get an above ground pool Above ground pool Yes

Alright 6,000 patrons Okay Get a whirlpool going Dude That's all you can do How far above ground Kick the feet up

You get that whirlpool Float No You get two little tykes Basketball nets on both ends You body each other Till the fucking sun comes down Dude

You got You got no idea I do I don't know why I even doubted That you have a list of things For every kind of pool Dude

Skim ball You know what skim ball is Skin When did you get so good At being in a pool My best friend had a pool growing up Are you saying skin or skim Above ground pool

And then we also went to a public pool When I was a kid too Okay Yeah I had pool access I just never And we used to You ever go

Jump in a pool A neighbor's pool Jump over the fence Yeah Yeah sure You did that growing up right? Having a friend I mean I didn't

I actually We called pool hopping Yeah You ever went pool hopping? Sure Yeah No I never went pool hopping Yeah that was the big been pool hopping? Sure. Yeah. No, I never went pool hopping. Yeah, that was the big thing.

At night? A hot summer day. Yeah, at night or day, depending on how balls you were. You'd walk around the blocks, peek through the backyards. If they got a pool, figure out the best entrance, best exit. Take a quick dip. Run in, jump, get out, run. And yeah, occasionally get chased.

I don't think, Most people usually don't care They wouldn't, yeah I mean you gotta be a psychopath To like chase kids through You know My buddy and I We used to get All set up

In like army gear Full camo Paint our faces No Paint our Please tell me Paint our arms No

I like I wanna know where this is going I had done pretty well At the magazine drive in middle school. Yes, dude. I got walkie-talkies. I got walkie-talkies, like headset walkie-talkies. And we used to just sneak through neighbors' properties.

I think we said you played Manhunt or something. No, we did play Manhunt as young young kids But then We elevated to a level Like Like let's snoop It was just me And like two other guys We're doing a recon Yeah dude

And we would like Someone would be having A backyard party And we'd see how close We could get To like We'd be like Bruce Dern From the Burbs

Without anyone seeing us And we'd be like I'm Brady Klaus You wonder why You two weren't Invited to the party You two virgins Elbow crawling You wonder why you two weren't invited to the party. You two virgins elbow crawling to the middle of the party.

Dude, it was so much fun. Oh my God. Just avoiding the street lamps. Where would you guys paint each other up? In like the garage? Yeah. Unbelievable.

Yeah, yeah, in the basement. Did anyone's parents ever come in and go, what is this? Yeah. Yeah, we're just playing. I don't know. I don't know.

I guess it was like an era where they were like, all right, whatever. Yeah, 911 immediately today. I mean, we were so into just army shit that there was no stopping it. It'd be so great to talk to your dad right now and he was like, yeah, that friend he's talking about was never real.

No, he was real. He was like, are you ready for this car dude it was the fucking should we get binoculars a little night vision we just sit in people's backyards and look just at what they're if it's above eight this is a problem oh it was above eight really what yeah it had to be up to like 12 13 but that's still a like, even if you were to get caught. Dude, this is eighth grade. That's why in Onward, I'm always like, I'm going suppressed. I'm sneaking.

Oh, my God, dude. That's where it comes from. Eighth grade, I was drinking in a golf course. Eighth grade, you're drinking in a golf course? Yeah. Jesus Christ. I didn't start drinking until, like, 10th or 11th. Well, I don't have brothers. So, like, you got invited to, like, you know, it's called the golf.

Or you go to like either Dermont Field or you go to Cobbs Creek golf course. And someone would bring a keg. The older guys from high school. And then you show up with a cup. And you would just ask people to pour into your cup. I didn't drink until sophomore year. I made varsity hockey team. And they took us out drinking

they threw like a big party what what what position did you play I was goalie oh man that's the best answer yeah

it's got the most gear yeah I know I was big gear gear head but it was like yeah I got fucked up

at this kid's house damn yeah they probably had to like finagle two helmets together get over that fucking dumb. And I was like such a militant, like, dude,

drinking's fucking stupid. Fucking only losers do it. Yeah, dude. And I remember my same buddy that I did military stuff with, he showed up at the party and I was shit-faced and he was like,

dude, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, this stuff is actually incredible. Was he still painted up? That's how he got into the party. He snuck out of the bushes. He grabbed me.

Where have you been this last three years, dude? I've been sitting here waiting. Yeah, my battery ran out. Over. Dude, that is unbelievable. 13 years old. Yeah. Just crawling around parties,

seeing how close you can get to them. You ever get caught and then your ass kicked? No. No, because you could just slip into the woods. I mean, if you got spotted, it's like you're not finding me. But even if they did, what are they going to do?

You get your full camo and face paint? I don't know. If I was at a party and I saw some little weird creepo fucking fully painted. But if they're 12, and we're two athletes, no one's catching us.

Are you going to other 12 year old parties or like adult parties no adult parties you want to spy on the neighbors how hilarious is this dude it was incredible and then eventually you got to a place you see any nudity we knew you see anybody um yeah great now but that's another that made me think of another yes dude this is great dude my one buddy after college was living with his parents, right? He's like 24, 25. He's living with his parents and he throws like a big house party. He was like one of those kids who were like, his parents were like British.

They didn't mind if like people partied at the house. He was also 24, so he gives a fuck. Throws this huge party at like 3 a.m. Things are like winding down. Most of the people have left. Another kid that we went to high school with is fucking a girl in the backyard. Like kind of like on the tree line. Like just like kind of in the woods.

And he is in his bedroom what standing i guess yeah he's standing in his bedroom looking at it jerking off he's watching it and jerking off his mom comes into his bedroom and catches him she catches him jerking off does she go look to see what he's staring yes she doesn't she doesn't she doesn't go like oh no she like walks in she starts whacking her go look to see what he's staring at? Yes. She doesn't go like, oh no. She walks in. She starts whacking her clam. She looks at what he's jerking off to. She starts diddling. The dad comes, catches her

diddling. It's like that scene where they all start throwing up. At 24, he got... I just saw someone else jerking off. I started jerking off. The whole party's just like... One big jerk at 24 years old this kid his mom grounded him for two weeks for jerking off for watching his friend fuck and jerking off was the friend

21 as well yeah oh also why is he home living with his parents okay he's just you get grounded if you're over 18 21 His failure to start, yeah. You can get grounded at 21? No. Well, he didn't have a job, so they took his money away. Oh, my God. And you can't tell any of your friends why you got grounded. Is he finished college at this time and he's living with his parents?

Oh, okay. Jesus Christ. Hilarious. Just the idea of the mom being like you're grounded oh my god that's like george costanza getting grounded by frank you're grounded but make it ever jerk off i had to jerk off beating off at 21 it's like yeah get out of my room yeah mom dude we never saw anything cool sneaking around well we yeah yeah, we just watched people. It was fun.

Oh, I thought you were saying this kid was like 13, 14 years old watching another 13, 14 year old. No, he was in his 20s. Did you ever get caught jerking off? 100%. 100%, I don't know. Actually, I got caught jerking off in this house by, I saw Jesse Joyce.

You know who Jesse Joyce is? The name's familiar legendary writer in the he's a head writer for kimmel legendary right now he is he's like a he writes for like fucking yeah he writes for a bunch of great guys like all the oscars and the roasts and stuff he's like the guy behind the scene i ran into him lugging my suitcase to meet chris by accident i came behind like yeah you came all right. Oh, hey, dang. So when I first moved in here, there was no bedroom left. I was waiting for him to move to LA.

Jono's LA was in my room. Jono was going to take- Love Jono. Jesse, yeah. Jono was going to take Jesse's room. So for like three months, I just couch served. You know, you got to go to bed somehow. Yeah. You got to go yank a wank. You know, you gotta go to bed somehow. Yeah.

You gotta go yank a wank. You gotta flick your bean. Yeah, you gotta flick the bean to shut the lights off. Yeah, of course. So one time,

he comes, Jesse's a big dude. Jesse's like 6'4", 6'5", and he comes like, he would smoke cigarettes back to back to back to back, just,

that middle room used to just be taxidermy all these exotic animals hanging off the wall half of a bear half of a lion

I can see why he got so horned up sure yeah exactly so he comes barrowing around it is and he caught me beating off but he never said anything about it and I don't know

I don't know if you know you go from light because the light was always on in the kitchen to darkness, complete darkness. I don't know if like, you know, your eyes have to adjust

and he didn't see it. But I did, it was covered. But there's movement, there's rustling. Oh, it was 100% Also, I feel like,

you know, I don't know, at that point, I don't think anybody would judge anybody. The guy's jerking off. Yeah, he's an older man. Yeah, who cares? I don't think that, I don't, I've got caught jer I don't think anybody would judge anybody. The guy's jerking off. Yeah, he's an older man. Yeah.

Who cares? I've got caught jerking off once in college. My roommate walked in. I've never, like, but there are more times where I've jerked off. Everything goes fine. And then I do sort of like. You leave a trail? No, no.

Cum rags everywhere? I do sort of like an acoustic analysis. A little popcorn trail gum. There's little cum rags everywhere. Anyone do sort of like an acoustic analysis. A little popcorn trail of cum. There's little cum rags everywhere. Anyone seen Chris? Follow the cum. No.

Do you ever jerk off and you're like, how loud was I? And then the next day you do like a little bit of a sound analysis. It's like, how loud was I?

Are you like a cum screamer? No. No, but if you got the porn playing on your phone. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I always go. You don't have headphones

You're making like a little bit of noise or the bed's creaking phone yeah yeah oh I always you're making you're making like a little bit of noise or the bed's creaking just a little bit and then you realize like how loud was that or you know yeah yeah

or maybe you had the volume up just a touch and you're like it was fine right and then you hear someone walking around in your room

that you were jerking off in later and you're like you can hear fucking everything there's no way there's no way I'm thinking about that now the apartment I live in now

I like watching porn on my phone I'm thinking about that now The apartment I live in now I like Watching porn on my phone I'm like People probably know This is happening Who cares Yeah What do you do for like

The sound test Like do you like Squeak on the bed While singing like A Top Gun Fucking song Or something Yeah there'll be a time

Where I'm like I'm you know I'm jerking off A little bit of volume And then I come And then But then I'm Paranoia sinks in Because I heard'm, you know, I'm jerking off a little bit of volume and then, uh, I come and then, but then I'm paranoia sinks in cause I heard someone maybe, you know, walking around.

And then, so I leave the moment of clarity to you've just come to leave the volume at that level with it playing. And I like walk to where they were and I'm like, fuck. Yeah. Definitely heard that. I mean, I was caught in like college, but it was mostly just fucking. It was never, you know, dudes would open. What a brag. No,, I was caught in college, but it was mostly just fucking. It was never... Dudes would open...

What a brag. You ever get caught jerking off? No, it was mostly fucking. No, I shared a room with my best friend in college. Yeah. And it was like a saloon door. There was no lock or anything like that. See, I missed out on all that fun.

I was just like... I commuted. I lived in Buffalo. I went to a school, but I drove to school every day. It was like high school part two. I did that for the first year of school. Yeah. My senior year though of college,

my, my parents, I still live with my, my folks. They bought a new house, but the new house wasn't ready to move into for like a month. And our old house closed. So I had to like move in with my grandma for like a month.

And one morning before school, I had a Hustler magazine this was you know 2003 back when magazines and so I was jerking off

they were filthy yeah I jerked off with a Hustler it was beautiful and it was a beautiful moment and I just went to school

but like when you live with your grandma your grandma is so excited to have a young man in the house again

they're up your ass you know so I came home from school with my bedmate and the Hustler on the up your ass, you know? So I came home from school with my bedmate and the hustler on the pillow. Just to let you know you're a fucking sinner.

Yeah, and like, never mentioned it to me. But, you know, maybe she was just happy that, you know, I was looking at hustler. Young springing boy. Yeah.

You cleaned up the mess, though, yeah? Or she did. I don't know. I mean, it was a beautiful looking room with like a mint on the pillow instead. It was a hustler. Yeah. I got caught in. I mean, it was a beautiful looking room with like a mint on the pillow instead. It was a hustler.

Yeah. I got caught in eighth grade sucking on my girlfriend's titties by her dad. You're sucking on titties in eighth grade? Yeah. Man, I'm way behind her, Buffalo. It was pretty good. Man, that's awesome. She was way ahead of me, like just sexually.

She was my age, but just was like. God damn. I was such a loser. She was way ahead of me. And that's why she was like, suck on my dick, suck on my dick. And I was like, this is crazy. That is insane. We were in an apartment. Her dad was in the apartment. She was like, he's sleeping. It's fine.

And so I started sucking on her titties. And then he came in and saw it. And I was like, and then he like stormed out. Then we like come out of the room and he's like get the fuck out of here i can't believe you fucking do that in my fucking house like was like really pissed and this is his daughter's tits what his daughter or your dad no no it's his daughter okay yeah so that's tough i literally went home it was his daddy like all right i went home baby losing that camo pain all'd be like, all right. I went home.

Crazy baby. Losing that camo pain all of a sudden. Titty sucking in eighth grade. That's pretty cool. I walked home so quietly. Yeah, sorry, Sandra. Put your shirt back on. Walked into my house.

And I remember just sitting on the couch. And my mom came up to me. She's like, you OK? And I was like, I think we should move. Oh, my God. Because you thought this guy was going to kill you? She was like, why? I was like, I think we should just live in a different town. Oh, my God. Wow, thought this guy was going to kill you? She was like, why? I was like, I think we should just live in a different town.

Oh my God. Wow, man. It's time to live in a different town. I don't think this is a good place for us. Yeah. She's like, what? Do you know what's so adorable? It's just a thought.

About this exploration of getting to know you through this podcast, as our fans comment, is the exploration of your mind as well and knowing you were just as psychopathic at such a young little wee age. You just had the same

mechanics. Dude. Absolute maniac and a little baby. A little baby friend. I remember we used to sneak out. Me and this girl

used to sneak out in the middle of the night. I used to like jump out of my window. Yeah. And I would go meet up with her. What age are you here? What?

What age are you at this point? 13, 12. Eighth grade? Yeah. Ninth grade? Man. Oh, it was the best. I was doing everything wrong.

Yeah. It was the best. And I was so good at sneaking. Are you sucking on titties in eighth grade? I got laid in eighth grade. Jesus. Yeah. Oh.

My don. Christian uh whoop should say that and this is both philly no i was in connecticut man but i was my girlfriend that girl turned out to be my girlfriend through high school okay so it was like a young start but it was the you know the budding start of a bossing relationship was a fucking we're kids. You're exploratory. You know? Explorative. You poke around when things shouldn't

be poked around. That was it was the worst was like my dog. I'd always have to get past my dog. I thought you were going to say

fuck my dog. Yeah I'd always have to fuck my dog because he'd be jealous. He's a spy. Yeah. He's also in camera waiting to get fucked.

He's got a camera on his head. He rolls on his back and he's also in camera waiting to get fucked. Yeah. He's got a camera on his head. He rolls on his back. He's like, suck my tits. Oh, that was tough. How long were you with this girl? Through most of high school.

And like, so we would sneak out all the time like in the middle of the night in high school. You think your parents knew you were sneaking out? They caught me once. And they were like,

what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, sometimes I like to go for a walk. It's stressful in this house. Yeah. You know what know it's wild though like i kind of agree with them like or i could see them believing you because that's what you still do like two weeks ago he was like gone i walked up at like 3 a.m but maybe your parents liked it they're like man chris is so thoughtful they did i mean they used to let us like hang out in the basement they had to know what we were doing like that's what suburban basements that's where it all goes down it's

dude yeah yeah pills drugs drinking yeah you get that cool parent that's like as long as they're drinking here it's like i was such an idiot in high school because not only was i straight edge but i never had a girlfriend and i didn't understand why people had girlfriends. That's how dumb I was. I was like, we're all going to go to different schools. What are you doing? And I'm like, oh, you're fucking. Yeah. Shit.

Yeah, you think we're just lining up our future? What was I doing? Yeah, yeah. This is my biggest regret. I wish I would have tried to get laid in high school. You don't meet the mother of your child in sophomore year in high school. I had a friend who lived on my street who would steal his mom's car, and then he would like pull it

and I would sneak out and we would go to Denny's. That was my... You're sucking on titties. Yes. You're sucking on titties. I'm having a fucking Superbird dipping it in ranch

being like, this thing rules. Yeah, we would go to the diner. We would go... Yeah, yeah. We would go out. Yeah, that was awesome. Yeah, those were...

That is the fucking... Sneaking out fucking is the best. What's better if you have titties in your mouth? Yeah, it's true. I out. Yeah, that was awesome. Yeah, that is the fucking, sneaking out fucking is the best. What's better if you have titties in your mouth? It's true. I'm going to Denny's, by God. But even that was like fucking wild. It is wild. It is wild.

Seeing the world after bedtime kind of is so mind-bending. It is. And when no one has a license, you're like, if we get pulled over right now, we are fucked. Dude, it still happens to me like i i was i was walking like near the williamsburg bridge at like midnight and it was empty and i was just like this is so fucking insane how many people want to be in this city how expensive it is to live here how amazing this view is how beautiful that bridge is and and nobody's using it right now. And there's millions of people here.

And that would happen to me in Philly all the time, where it's like, I can't believe how many fucking people live here and how there's nobody on the street in this whole city. Nobody's using this street right now. It's crazy to me. Well, I also, I agree with this, because I think we still have access to that same feeling of jumping out your parents or your childhood bedroom at your parents' house.

It's an all-nighter doing some wild shit, whether it's going to a house party or a bar, leaving a bar at 3 a.m. or leaving some fucking, some chick's house in another town over, taking the train by yourself. Or getting a moon over Miami. Yeah, exactly. Yes yes there's nothing like it it's the same equivalent of endorphin release of a 12 yeah you still get that high yes we are like my parents are in bed thinking i'm in the other room yeah here's the difference the reason people aren't on the same bridge is because they got to get up and provide for themselves they don't talk on a microphone for two hours a week. I know, but you're idiots.

We have days to rest our pill hangovers. But you'd think all the people that, I don't know, you'd think there's so much nightlife in New York that you'd think there'd be people just out. Well, not in Williamsburg. You know what I mean? Williamsburg is not a real city. It's a fucking... No, but I know what you mean.

It happens here, too. It happens in every neighborhood, though. You're right. There's a stillness everywhere. True. I mean, even like there's Sunset Park. I remember I walked through the park at, like, 1 a.m. after a show once, and I came home, and I was like, babe, I'm like, you got to walk through the park at 1 a.m., and then

she was like, I can't do that. And I was like, oh, yeah. Okay, well. Good job. Well, it's pretty great. There's no one around. Yeah. Oh, yes.

Yeah, I guess women don't really get to enjoy that no they don't get to enjoy the 1am go wherever you want just like yeah no one's trying to fuck me yeah dude you know what I did

in LA which was nice and I hadn't done it in so fucking long and it was something we did every single night like when we were like open micing

and coming up which was like just go to a diner with comics and just sit there for fucking three hours and just shoot the shit. When was the last time you guys did that? It's been a minute.

Dude. It brings you back. Oh, it fucking rules. Yeah, you know who hates that? The waitress. No, is it all, it's a 24-hour diner. There were other people there.

Yeah, well, the problem is, it's New York City, New York, where we, like the diners here suck. Yeah. And they're so expensive. It's like 24 bucks, 100% club sandwich. Yeah, well, the problem is it's New York City. New York where we, like, the diners here suck. Yeah. And they're so expensive. It's like 24 bucks for a fucking club sandwich.

Yeah. There used to be a diner around the corner from the golf course we used to drink at in high school. It's called the Lanark Diner. It was actually the diner in, what's the one with De Niro and Cooper? Oh, Silver Linings Playbook. Yes, yeah. It's that diner. And we used to go to this diner after drinking,

and then half of us would beat the check because we were in high school drunk. We didn't have a lot of money. And one time they just locked the doors on us. And I was like, you know, fucking like now you can't leave kind of thing. What do you do? Bop the floors?

No, the cop would just come and like call your parents or whatever it was like a fucking it was a whole thing but yeah would you steal steal food from

but yeah that diner there's nothing like it hanging out like yeah that's how Buffalo is just shitty diners everywhere

I love a shitty diner I love it too and it's like everything's under $10 everything and you're with your boys and you can eat

you want breakfast it's there you want with your boys and you can eat. You want breakfast, it's there. You want lunch, it's there. You can get a steak or you can get pancakes and eggs. French toast, dude.

Yeah, yeah. I gotta get a slice of French toast at a diner. Yeah, get a cup of coffee or a beer. You can get a sampler for the table. Yes, dude.

Two eggs. What's your breakfast order? Back then, it was probably, I mean like, Well now, what would be your breakfast order? Back then It was probably I mean like What now? What would be your breakfast order? Well now I'm like

You know I'm like a vegan So it's a penis Oh okay Yeah back then then Yeah now it's like I gotta I forgot about this No I can't have eggs

I mean I don't like eggs How do you cook your eggs? If back then I was a big scrambled guy Really? Cause I was It's you know White trash

Not much thought to it. But then I grew into the dip and the toast. You go over medium, over easy? Over easy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go hash? Definite hash.

What kind of meat are we talking? Gotta have hash. I mean, back then, I wanted all the meat. Give me bacon and sausage. Damn. You know what I mean? You guys fuck with Scrapple out in Buffalo? What is it called?

Scrapple. Scrabble? Scrapple. Scrapple? Yeah. What the fuck is that? Allrapple. Scrabble? Scrapple. Scrapple? Yeah. What the fuck is that? All the pig meat that's slopped off the floor that's not cut in proper portions. Imagine everything that doesn't make it into sausage.

Assholes, tails, hooves. What form? Does it show up in links? It's a paste. A paste? That's formed into a block. Okay. Like a spam.

I'll tell you this right now. I'll make you Scrapple. Oh, fuck you, vegan. Make me a vegan Scrapple. Oh, fuck you, vegan. Make me a vegan Scrapple. A vegan Scrapple? Beyond impossible Scrapple. Yeah, you'd have to take a corner of that cushion. All the bad parts of plants.

Dip it in vegetable oil and deep fry it. How about pork roll? Did you ever have pork roll? Pork roll? Yeah. No. Same idea, but it's not all the dirty parts. It's pig into a long form.

It's from Jersey. It's like a thick slice of bologna. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy that that's from middle of Jersey, scrapples from like an hour north of PA or Philadelphia. It didn't make it to Buffalo, which is insane, because we love shit like that.

Yeah. We love garbage plates. It's not here either. Hot dogs. It's not here. It's not in New York. You can't get a nice piece of scrapple for breakfast meat. You can't get pork roll.

I can't get a pork roll egg and cheese, scrapple egg and cheese. All those things are very popular in Philly. Can't get it. Both of those are all, that's my option when I go to a diner. Side of pork roll, well done. Two over easy, hash. I got two eggs over easy, pancakes, hash, sausage, toast, rye toast. I go rye too.

Rye's good. I'm almost a sourdough guy. What? Are you on the toast? You can't come on. Yeah. Wow. Ketchup toast. No, dude on yeah wow ketchup toast no dude

yeah ketchup on pancakes too ketchup on pancakes with the syrup and the butter oh it is if you're a shit face it doesn't really matter

oh I love yeah why would you do everything tastes the same the purpose of all these flavors is to combine saltiness and sweetness I know

I like a big blend I don't know I think it's a rejection of my past I used to combine saltiness and sweetness. I know. I like a big blend. I don't know. I think it's a rejection of my past. I used to not let things be able to touch on the plate. Me too. I did the same thing. And now it's just like I want everything. Have you had garbage plates before?

Do you know what these are? No. Am I talking nonsense? I've heard of the garbage plate. I've heard of the garbage plate. The garbage plate. So it started in Rochester at this place called Nick Tahoe's. And then it made its way down to Buffalo.

But it's like, yeah, it's like you get, get you know shit clocked and you go out and it's like a layer of you know hash browns and then like a layer of macaroni salad and then a layer of buffalo fingers and then a layer of like ground beef and then like it's like and it's just all like you just mix it it's like what you're saying you just mix it you just cover in sauces, and you just throw it down your hole. Oh, my God. It's so good and horrible for you, but it's amazing. Yeah. You got to open up like a plumbing. Yeah, well, yeah.

You got to nail your ass to the toilet. My God. Yeah. You're going to be very busy. Very busy boy. We would go to this place, Pat's Hubba Hubba, late night. It was open all night. It was just a hallway.

And you get Texas cheeseburger wedge and some chili cheese fries. Texas cheeseburger wedge was just two shitty cheeseburger patties with chili on top of it and cheese. And just like the shittiest toasted sub kind of thing. Yeah, I guarantee it sucks. It's terrible. It sounds great. It does, but it's not. It's terrible. It sounds great.

It does, but it's not. It's spicy as fuck, and then you get a Pat's Hub of Water, which is just water with a splash of Hawaiian punch in it. Yeah. And it was... Here's the thing. That sounds like the worst part to me. Fucking rude.

Here's the problem. With stories like this, you're pulling from an enormous amount of nostalgia without any legitimacy towards the quality of the food. So we can't come on this journey with you because I know exactly what that tastes like. Well, if you had a late night place where you knew some of your other friends

that were drinking in other parts of town might wind up, that's also the part of it. I get it. That's true. You're going there. You're eating shitty food. You might see someone. Could. That was also. That's fun. That's also the part. I get it. That's true. You're going there. You're eating shitty food. You might see someone. Could be girls.

Yeah. You know, buddies. Yeah. Whatever. Right. Could be there. Right. Then it's like.

But the person that glorifies this one dog shit fucking place selling absolute nonsense. Yeah. For, you know, $2.25. That's great. Yeah. That's great. Unless. See, at least you can quantify and qualify a hot dog.

It can't be that bad, right? Even a shitty hot dog. It's like a slice of pizza. A slice of pizza can be bad, but if someone's like, you've got to try this sandwich. It is the worst possible grade beef. Overcooked. Half the amount of cheese that's required.

It's stale. It's like having a ballpark hot dog outside of the ballpark. No, that's my point. Not true. Ballpark hot dogs are dynamite. No,

they're not. You could dress them up. But when you hold it, it looks like a rat dick in a soggy bun. Dude, it sucks. It sucks.

Every time I take a, we took a, we had a bite at the Mets-Phillies game we went to. I had a bite at that hot dog and I was like, I forgot how good this is.

Well, because you're at the game. No, no. It's not just nostalgia. If you weren't, but no. No, he's right. If you were not at the game, you're not excited to throw this rat dick

It's a good quality piece of dick. It's a nice dick. Haberset. What? It's good quality meat. It's a Haberset. I think it was a... Saber set?

Saber? No. Aer set? Saber? No. A Sabret? Sabret? I think it was a Hebrew National. All right, either way. I'm with the Jews on this. Hebrew National.

I fucking ruled. Yeah, I was exclusively a Hebrew National guy growing up. Yeah. Sliced the hot dog down the middle. The hot dog. And then, yeah, put all the... That's the move. You gotta go slice.

My grilled dog is lights out. You know what I hate? You go slice, fillet it. You gotta hard grill on both sides of the spices. That's the move. You got to go slice. My grilled dog is lights out. You know what I hate? You go slice, filet it. You got a hard grill on both sides of the char. Yes, yes. And then you lay Cooper Sharp down the center. Let that bubble up. You toast it down the bun.

Inside and outside. People only go inside. You go outside because you want to toast the whole damn thing. Yeah, you want the exterior crunch. A little spicy brown. That ketchup. So fucking good. Not on my plate. Sounds great. You know what I hate? We're going to do it this summer. damn thing yeah you want the exterior crunch a little spicy brown that ketchup roofing not on my plate sounds great yeah we're gonna do it this summer at the beach yeah i'm gonna have some barbecues back here when i get that fucking above ground pool with the the diagonal slices yeah you

fancy that i fucking hate that it's unnecessary doesn't do anything bends yeah and then it's like an arch in the bun It's not sitting right Yeah Or it's like You can never get it To sit right Yeah I like those Chicago hot dogs

That have all the bullshit on there You like that? The poppy seed bun And all that horse shit It's fun And they put what The pickled jalapenos And the peppers

And everything This is too much shit I admit it's a lot It's a lot to You gotta like Really like Ugh Yeah

Be like the reach guy. I got a big problem with like over, oversized sandwiches. Yes. Like they glorify the levels of meat. They're not realistic.

They're not. And it's not fair. And you try to like, you try to like squeeze it so you can get it in your hole. Yeah. And shit's flying out of the side. It's like a corny show

you see on Food Network. It's like, dude, no one's eating this fucking It's not practical. It's quality, not quantity. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. dude No one's eating this fucking It's not practical It's quality not quantity Yes Yeah yeah

Yeah give me one A little bit of ketchup A little bit of mustard A little bit of relish Damn Some sauerkraut in there There's a place called Charlie's Hamburgers

And it used to be in Folsom And I think now Or whatever It's in PA Outside of Philly It's un-fucking-believable Single patty You get double patty

It's the best fast food burger You'll ever have in your life What's this place? It's called Charlie's Okay Yeah we're gonna go I don't know why you guys Are laughing at me

I'm getting real fucking Yeah you're getting very angry About this place No I'm not angry I'm fucking Locked in They got to Oh yeah

They got vegan everything now Vegan shit is good It's so good They got beyond sausages Burgers Very good There's some good ones in New York Blossom is a good one Like right near Union Square They got other locations But that. Very good. There's some good ones in New York. Blossom is a good one, like right near Union Square.

They got other locations, but that one's the best one. You can get like vegan. What's your go-to? I mean, that's the thing is you're, as a vegan, you're so, you're not used to opening a menu where you can have anything you want. So you go to a vegan restaurant, you're like, oh shit, I want to have all of this, you know? Yeah. They do like a, they do like a se seitan picada, you know what I mean?

They do it all. And dude, vegans, yes, are like... I've had seitan wings. They're pretty good. They're not bad. Yeah, not bad. Vegans, they're like the SpaceX of food because they're trying to just figure out...

Yeah, it's like MacGyver. Like, dude, you order stuff at a vegan restaurant and you'll be like, what at a vegan restaurant and they're like you'll be like what's good and they'll be like this shit's good this shit's good this shit is we're we're figuring it out they're like you want to try it it is kind of like stage four doing like a yeah they're like having to just pull from all these different things to make a it's it really is like any of these cooking processes i don't know about that yeah no right but they'll be like is there like is there like a famous vegan

a truck in new york yet not that i know of but like everybody like i mean i had my first impossible whopper in california and it was fucking incredible i don't know why it took me this long to eat one is this in and out it's burger king oh burking't know why it took me this long to eat one. Is this In-N-Out? It's Burger King. Oh, Burger King. It's like the only fast food restaurant that has like a vegan option. I mean, it's got mayo on it.

And they claim technically it's not vegan. They cook it on a different I don't know what they're doing. You don't care about that. I'm not a ball buster, dude. And also sometimes if I'm like

if I haven't eaten all day I'm on a show it's one of those shows where like we got free pizza. I'm eating some fucking pizza. Yeah. I don't give a shit. I'll eat cheese. I don't care. Yeah. So i'm vegan as much as i can be until i'm hungry and i'm there's pizza and it's free yeah i don't give a shit what do they say like how long

does it take to be truly vegan like violently vegan i don't you don't want to get to that point if you got beef grease into your impossible burger would you just vomit out your ass for a while well here's the deal as a vegan you're always shitting so it doesn't even matter you wouldn't into your Impossible Burger, would you just vomit out your ass for a while? Well, here's the deal. As a vegan, you're always shitting. So it doesn't even matter. Really? You wouldn't even know it.

You wouldn't even recognize it. Because it's all fiber and it's all... I don't know. I'm just someone who shits all the time anyway. I have a theory... Yeah, shit after every meal.

It has nothing to do with your 30 beers. I have a theory that people from Buffalo shit and fart more than anybody on the planet. Really?

Because of the cheese? I think it's just cause how we're raised we're raised on chicken wings hot dogs beef on weck Canadian beer

like sponge candy you're just like shitting whoa whoa whoa hold on beef on weck first then sponge candy

all of that shit what are we doing what's beef on weck beef on weck is like so it's like a dipped sandwich you got roast beef dipped in the au jus.

And then it's on a Kimmelweck roll. And a Kimmelweck roll is like a big dinner roll that's glazed and then has salt and caraway seeds on top of it. It's delicious. It's delicious. And you put some horseradish on that roast beef and that's a beef on whack okay it's a roast beef tip it's a big fucking roast beef but point being is like dinner roll i like yeah so like buffalo you're just you you you don't as a kid you don't realize that

you're eating stuff that's central to buffalo you think that the whole world is eating beef on whack and the whole world is eating uh you know wings all and the whole world is eating wings all the time. Yeah. But it's really, you're just eating. What's the puffy shit? The puffy shit? Sponge candy. Sponge candy.

I mean, this is a thing. It's like hardened sponge cake that's like chocolate covered. That's really all it is. But it only exists in Western New York. It's delicious. It's like uh what's that i shit every time i eat if i eat i should me too dude me too yeah that's how i came here i was like no that's not how it works that's not how you mean like immediately no you talk to

people after i eat 10 15 minutes max i see i think that's healthy i think so too when i talk to people they're like i don't do that my first meal Some people say They shit two times a day Every day And I'm like Two? Yeah Two? Yeah

Whoa How much do you consume? I don't have the ounces for you How many meals? I mean The same meals everyone's eating I don't know Not everybody

How many meals do you eat? You know Three You know Minimum I guess Yeah Couple snacks in between

Couple snacks If you only eat one and a half You shit once or twice That's normal If you don't have a lot of shit In the tank You can't empty it out I'm vegan

And also like I'm drinking coffee All day Me too I love coffee Me too So like Things are moving

Oiling Things are moving Oiling the tank And I like it I love toilets. I love being on the toilet. You got to get a fucking bidet. Give me your address.

I'll buy you one. I swear to God, I'll buy you a bidet. Okay. Yeah, I promise. I can't tell the sponsor because they're not paying us, but I'll give you the brand. Yeah. I got a bidet. There's no reason I shouldn't have one by now.

No one has ever said anything bad about a bidet. You're going to go nuts, dude. Yeah. It is so wonderful. It is so wonderful. I'll be like, do not open that door. Yeah.

Do not come in here. You know the feeling like, I wish they could combine the hot and the cold water. I know. I never even thought about temperature with a bidet. It only goes...

It's cold water. You can buy a bidet that has a heated seat and you can also buy a bidet that mixes the water temperatures. Really? That's a whole other jump. You can get a a bidet that mixes the water temperatures. Really? That's a whole other jump.

You can get a quality bidet that's going to last you years for $100. Now it sounds like you're doing a commercial. Yeah, I know, I know. Welcome to town. Don't say the fucking brand. You don't have any idea

how long it'll last. You can get yourself a quality bidet. I know how long this one's lasted. Yeah, that one is... Because I bought it three years ago. The one with the hybrid fill, I think, is going to break fast.

That's my theory. It's also three times the price. Yeah. And I don't need a heated seat. I don't need a heated seat. So when it comes to the... But I think is going to break fast. That's my theory. It's also three times the price. Yeah. And I don't need a heated seat. I don't need a heated seat. So when it comes to the bidet that you have, you're not blasting

for a full fucking foot bath. You're just trying to get a... Is this a self... No, I blast. Is this a self-installed situation? It takes two seconds. Okay. Okay.

All you're doing is rewiring the water from the tank, from the water source. Take that off, and you're splitting it. One goes to the bidet itself. I don't know how to do any of that. If I can figure it out, you can figure it out. My wife will know how to figure it out. Yeah.

It's easy. She'll be very happy with this. All right. We'll be spraying our genitals. Clean whistles all over the place. I'd like a nice clean whistle. You're going to get one. Yeah.

You're going to get one. It's not even the fact, even if it didn't clean, it would still be worth it. All right. Because just the feeling. Do you love getting your ass licked is what you're telling us. It's about being clean. I like getting my ass power washed. I don't know about licked.

It's a strong tongue. Yeah, yeah. Who's going to say no to a lick? If the bidet was sentient, I probably wouldn't use it. If it popped up and said, is that enough for you, sir? Oh, you like that? I'd be like, no! Shall I go down and do more?

Great idea. Sentient bidets? They would fly off the shelf. Are you kidding me? Like a Siri oh my god yeah if you could lock in

like an Australian lady I've licked your ass it requires more I bet it does as soon as you turn to the right it's like do you like that

do you like that a bit more no honestly you want it to have like a chimney sweep voice chim chimaroo I want Dick Van Dyke A pit boy No honestly You want it to have Like a chimney sweep voice Chim-chim-a-roo I want Dick Van Dyke

I'm just like A fucking 1950s cop Like Ha You'll never catch me alive I'm looking at your asshole See You'll never see my asshole again

Don't look me down Mmm tasty Barbecue 100 bucks dude 100 bucks will change Your fucking life Okay It really will Well you said You'd pay for it Yeah So 100 bucks dude 100 bucks will change Your fucking life Okay It really will

Well you said You'd pay for it Yeah So 100 bucks Out of your pocket I will buy it for you You want to shake on it No I trust you

Yeah Clean it Then you'll have No way of getting out of it Well I know Your asshole's clean I don't know If your hand is clean

True I'm going to buy you a bidet And I'm dead serious Because I think it's worth it. I think it's going to change your life. That's the thing. These bidet people,

they want to recruit other people. Vegans want to recruit other people. I want to help my friend out. I don't know. I like that he hasn't tried to recruit anybody.

That's how you got to do things in life. You do them, you don't try to pull anyone towards it. Yeah. People figure it out themselves.

It's like I'm vegan. Yeah. I wasn't serious. I'm not trying to push it on you. Yeah, I would never want anyone towards it. Yeah. People figure it out for themselves. It's like I'm vegan. Yeah. I wasn't serious. I'm not trying to push it on you. Yeah, I would never want anyone on me. But a bidet is a

different situation. Okay. But it is good. How many years have you... Food's got nothing on getting your asshole...

So how long... How long... How long have you been in a bidet? The best... The next... What's it called? What's the fucking sandwich?

Your meat sandwich? Oh, the beef on whack. Beef on whack, yeah. Get a beef on whack if you're in Buffalo. Don't get one outside of Buffalo because it'll be dog shit. The thing is, I don't use the bidet every time. Okay, so you're in every day?

Every day, every time. I save it up, yeah. It's a treat for you. Yes. An anal treat. Yes. Wait, why would you not use it every time? I don't know. Yeah. It's a treat for you. Yes. An anal treat. Yes. Wait, why would you not use it every time? I don't know.

It seems like a bit of a hassle. This is why. I'm glad you said this. Sprays your asshole. You get shit all over your balls. This is the reason why. Stop saying this. No, no.

He's saying. You don't get shit on your balls. But listen. Clean your ass. Okay, you got your asshole here. Grundle balls. Okay? Shit runs down your balls. But listen, clean your ass. Okay, you got your asshole here. Grundle balls. Okay? Shit runs down the hill.

Why do you have to be so gross? No, but what he's saying is wipe your ass like a proper spray. But I'm telling you. The spray is coming from this angle

to your asshole. It sprays, it goes down the grundle onto the balls. No, it doesn't. It has to. People who are not angle upward.

People who are not bidet people like myself need to hear this no but this is the reason why because it's a hassle it's like I gotta spray water it's not

that's why Tom is shut up about it I gotta spray spray water on my ass and taint dude now I got a dripping undercarriage

I gotta like dry it off let's reel it back in everybody you gotta pat it yeah here's what happens you gotta wipe after here's what happens. You gotta wipe after. Here's what happens.

Spray it again and pad it. There's a velocity dial. You can solve. You want maximum velocity. He does. What would be the point of not ripping it up to the top? Right. Okay.

If you want to take his fucking word for it, he's got his socks wet. His shoes have to be thrown out. There's shit all over the walls. You don't want to limp it. None of this is real. If you don't want to live this is real stream that gets more shit on you now it's everywhere clean yourself properly normally with paper towels or toilet paper and you gotta give it give it a square start at your own convenience okay it's like jumping into a batting cage baby start at like 50 miles an hour you don't

want to get smoked by the way is there a good batting cage, baby. Start at like 50 miles an hour. You don't want to get smoked. By the way, is there a good batting cage in New York? We can find it. Let me focus. I would love to. I don't want you to be distracted. I want you to start at 50, and then month three, jacking it up to 70. And then if you feel the riding in you, you know what I mean? Buck that fucking rhino.

Jack it all the way up. You might feel something about it. There's no way you're driving shit out of your ass, up your balls. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Out of all the wallpaper. Your balls are below your asshole. I know where they are.

This is an important question for me. You can't not get water on them. How often, after you use a bidet, you stand up, you pull up your pants, you zip up. Never once. And your ass still feels wet. Never once. Never once. No.

Because you take an additional piece. See, we're getting different. You need to know about Chris. I once. Never once. No. Because you take an additional piece. Hey, we're getting different. You need to know about Chris. I don't want a wet ass. You're not going to have a wet ass. I lived my whole life avoiding a wet ass. I'm so upset. Also, you strike me as a toilet paper conservation guy.

I mean, yes and no. I can serve myself. I mean, I... You fold? I've never had a problem thus far. Do you fold or wrap? Do I fold or wrap?

What do you mean? Am I like... Do you wrap your hand or do you fold it into a thing? I guess I fold it into a thing. I don't wrap my hand. Three squares. Depending upon the girth.

I'll go three. Well, it also depends, like... If it's double ply, I go three. If it's quadruple ply, I go two. Sometimes I get fucked up, though. Sometimes I get fucked up by the supply. If I see over there that free. Sometimes I get fucked up, though. Sometimes I get fucked up by the supply. If I see over there that we have tons, I'm like, whatever.

Yes, yes. Monopoly, man. Then I'm pawing at that thing like a cat. I'm like, who gives a shit? You got a cane in one hand. Yeah. You take the top hat off. It's got two more rolls in it.

I'm just throwing toilet paper all over. I'm dabbing my face. Yeah. I'm like, look at all that stuff. It doesn't matter. Hello, my baby. Hello, my darling. Hello, my right guy.

Yeah. It's vaudeville in there. Me and the toilet paper are having a good time. All right, look. I'll say this one more time concisely and consinctly. Wipe appropriately, normally. After that, it's a quick mouthwash for your bun. That's it. For your bun. That's it.

For your bun. That's it. Your butthole's gargling some fresh water. It's a clean fucking bath time. And then you take two or three more. But isn't it, it's toilet water that you're showing up. No, it's not toilet water. No, it's fresh water.

It's clean, fresh water coming directly from the source. It comes out of the tank. From the tank. Yeah. It's a split tank. Actually, no. It comes out of the cold water fill. Yeah. Yeah. It's a split tank. Actually, no. It comes out of the cold water fill. Yeah.

Same thing. Half goes to the tank to wash out. Half comes directly from the spit. Yeah. So it gets a fucking fire hose right to your dart. And then you just puff like three tabs. Wash it off. Give a nice little tuck.

Oh, I thought you meant... Cleanest asshole in the fucking town. So you're saying Wipe Spray And then wipe again Right Yes

Are you spreading Wipe to completion As if you didn't have a bidet Right when you would get off So the bidet If the bidet is right here Am I kind of like Yanking my

Ass open There's a little knob right here No you don't have to yank your ass open You learn to like Flex it open a little bit Okay You're just sitting away. Yeah, you lean.

You get used to the hip action. You'll find out where that angle is. You know how to open the hole. You'll find out where the angle is. And you will too. Yeah.

You don't have to open up like a whale's fucking breathing hole. You just let it go. Let it fucking splash. Open it as wide as you need to until it gets the job done. Oh, it splashed.

We should have an ad for this right now. We would fucking crush it. The brand that I want to fucking add on? Woo! Baby right now we're fucking crushing the brand that i want to fucking add on baby why don't you say the brand i can't if they ever if they ever sponsor us we'll we'll well they'll start it if you say it what i don't know how these things work we just found out how it works how's it work ads work no it's not i It's boring. I'll tell you. They pay you money and you say what they want you to say. Yeah.

Nice. Yeah. Dude, it's going to be good. I'm not closed to it. I would like to see what everyone's talking about. Well, we'll find out. I'll be right back. We'll find out.

It's going to be good. Don't listen to this fucking orangutan. No, he's echoing my concerns. He's a dirtball. He's not a dirtball because of the bidet. He's a real dirtball. No, he uses it sometimes. You know what I mean?

Now I got to wash that mic. You're like, what do you mean you don't use it every day? Yeah. He's not going to wash his hands when he walks out of the bathroom. He's a real fucking monster. Give him a fist pound on your way out. Well, I'm'm gonna have to Say great to meet you

Christopher Christopher Or is it Carl Carl You have anything to plug Do I do what Anything to plug Oh god

I know We don't usually do this But I'm gonna do it for you I got really nothing To plug Other than You know Do you constipate at all I got really nothing to plug other than, you know.

Do you constipate at all? You know, constipation doesn't happen that often. Now that I'm not eating a lot of cheese, I'm like, I'm just like, I mean, a lot of times a number one will turn into a number two for me, you know. I'm sitting down every time, by the way, also. I'm sitting down to pee all the time now. No. Not in public restrooms.

Not in public, but at home, I'm sitting down. You sit down to piss? Yes. I gotta say, I can't do it. Really? For what? Yeah, it does make me feel a little feminine and weird. No, that's not. No, man, it doesn't make, I feel great about it.

Why do you do it? Because I'm so lazy. Matthew. What? I recently pooped first and then peed after. So you pooped and then you pissed

all over your logs? No. Well, I was sitting down. Did you have to break them up? No. Sometimes I do that to see how powerful my stream is.

That's fun. That's a fun time. Especially if you get like a little stain on the bowl and you're like, have no fear. Then you got to...

Oh, yes. That's where you really separate blast it with the stream and watch it go away it's very satisfying whoever the girlfriend was that designed that little fly to stick to the inside of a urinal so you hit the exact spot where it doesn't splash all over the fucking place i've never even seen that yeah urinals will have a fly they put at A spot in the urinal Where the undulation Is perfect so that it Well first of all The whole urinal Had to be

Had to be invented By a woman Because no man Would be stupid enough To make a urinal Urinals are terrible I'm a stall guy All the way

Yeah You know what I want It's just It's like how about you walk Close to a wall And pee on it And like And try not to get

Any backspl splash on you It's bullshit Here's what I want And when You could piss down the hole But then they put a screen there So it splashes Now they put that weird

Like plastic ice Or some shit in there Yeah Do you know the double The double sink At like fancy hotels Or rich people's houses Yes

I want a get ready sink And a piss sink Oh you like pissing in the sink I think it'd be It's appropriate height It's got the The depth of the bowl Doesn't worry about a

I'm not tall enough for a sink piss I used to piss I wouldn't get you a little shorter one Like at a kindergarten When you had that like Little short guy Kids piss sink Yeah yeah

I used to piss in the kitchen sink When I had a roommate And I'd get up for work And he'd be in the shower For too long I would just piss right in the kitchen sink Yeah Of course

You know That's happened. There's nothing you can do about that. Yeah. Or you take one cup that nobody uses. It says like Pittsburgh Steelers on it or some shit. Yeah. Pissing that.

Piss cop. Yeah. Yeah. Leave it on the floor for someone to knock over. I have no faith. I have no, I, like, I piss more than a pint, I think, every time. I gotta piss right now. I'm a big guy.

Yeah, we're done. Yeah, that might be it. That's it. Did you want to plug anything? Oh, okay. Where are we? What's happening? I never really plugged it. He was trying to plug it. You're like, yeah, you might be it. That's it. Did you want to plug anything? Oh, okay. Where are we? What's happening? He was trying to plug.

You're like, yeah, are you constipated? No. What can I plug? I got nothing. I just recently had a situation where I was shoving Q-tips up there trying to break it up. Up your peel? Where? Up my butthole.

Oh, your butthole. That makes way more sense. What? Yeah, there was a hard, tight, there was kind of like a knot. There was like a hard clump right at the end. Did you ever hear that story of me and McKeever told on Dad Me? I'm going to disperse. Yeah.

No, no. Yeah. Think about what you want to plug. I'll think about something to plug. McKeever told this story. I was crying laughing. He was constipated because he had to get on some medication for something. And like one of the side effects

of like one of those like those hard drugs that hard drug that like whatever like a hard antibacterial or whatever antiviral I feel like everything

either yeah it tightens you up it drains you out and he said he didn't shit for like days and he was like crying trying not to

you know trying to go to the bathroom and he couldn't he couldn't he couldn't he went to the hospital and he was like crying trying not to you know trying to go to bathroom he couldn't he couldn't he couldn't he went to the hospital when he finally went and he cried tears of joy after he said he dropped he dropped like eight tangerines in the toilet and he was weeping out of joy and dude i always think about all the time it's the it made me wish they had like a tiny stick of dynamite. Blast it like you're building a highway through a mountain. Yeah. Oh, my God. Your girlfriend's in the fucking living room like, ready?

Three, two. Like a fucking Wile E. Coyote. Just a flood of dump. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Flood of dump. a flood of dump Yeah Jesus Christ Flood of dump Dude a little mini shit dynamite Oh my god that's so good What are they called jumping jack

You like stick a q-tip up in there To get like a borehole Remember those little The fire Firework you could light in your hand And it wouldn't It was like jumping jack Not a jumping jack

It was a It looked like a tiny tiny Little stick of dynamite They were red. Did you fuck with fireworks going on? Yeah, is that wolf packs? Are those wolf packs? You had the snake that you liked.

The snake was great. The snake was great. Firecrackers are so fun. Cap guns? Cap guns rule. Did you ever get the rubber band gun where you could load multiple rubber bands? Totally. Nah, we had an M80 guy.

One of my brother's friends would get like Quarter sticks of dynamite That's serious And we'd stick them in like Nerf footballs Light it Toss them Boom Feel that wave go through your fucking

Your eyebrow and your hair Dude I was a I was a park ranger Once Couple different summers I was a park ranger It's the last story I'll tell That rules

And And In Buffalo And We would always be fucking with firecrackers in the wood you know there's nothing else to do you're in college you know what you're doing so there was this old like industrial size brick of butter that was just in like the work fridge for so long and then it just sat there all summer and then one time i was like reading the

paper in the break room and my buddy like put a bunch of fire crackers in there lit them all like slid it and goes butter bomb it was butter everywhere in the inside yeah it was like a fucking movie it was like super troopers it was like butter butter on like the tip of my nose as i bring the paper down and i'm like all right let's go save some lives fantastic Fantastic. Good times. Middle of a forest fire. All right, plug away, kiddo. All right, I'm in a film on Amazon. This one?

Wow. Called Solo Project. Okay, and then I have a film coming out that is not out yet. You know what I told you? You got to fucking resize this thing and repost. Well, yes, you gave me- Unbelievable. I did, I did. I did.

Okay. I was very upset with myself. Those moments where I feel like a boomer, where I'm like, it didn't fucking. I get it. You should hear him every Wednesday. Instagram sucks. He'll go, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah.

Instagram blows. Yeah. It all blows. Everything sucks. Everything sucks. We're just trying to have fun before we die. Let's have three more beers and kill ourselves, dude. Yes.

Sounds good. I hope the Rangers are winning, by the way. Oh, yeah. Doesn't matter. When is this coming out? This will come out Wednesday. All right, January 4th, I'll be at Gutter Bar in Brooklyn. Comedians, you should know.

It's a good show. That is a great show. So come out to that. Nice. There you go. I plugged. Who's running that now? Who are the boys running that?

David Drake. Yes. Mike Leibovitz. Carmen Legala. out to that nice there you go i plugged running that now who are the boys david drake mike leibovitz carmen lagala and i think jack comstock's also involved now okay nice yeah yeah best show in the city one of them you know it is for sure it was a monster show in chicago for a while right it was yeah yeah i don't know if it still is i think it is i think they got a nice little yeah yeah satellites yeah they used to have one in la too i don't know if that's still going on yeah i don't know that's where it started no it started in chicago started chicago yeah yeah it was like and then like joe kilgallen like took it out to

la and now it's also in new york yeah thank you dog all right sweet yeah dude give you the history of that show of course i hope this was good this was so fun you guys rule let's go to the bar