Stuff Island - Stuff Island #30 - Wildwood in Ecuador w/ Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

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Dude, you can't just barge into a former house. He does, dude. He does. There's no knock. No knock policy here. What the fuck is this? Is it a frat house? Yeah, I can't touch.

I've never touched my toes. Never? Never in my life. What about if you raise them to yourself? Yeah, I can't figure that out. It's halfway. Then I put that shit myself. It's like, yeah.

Well, I get to like halfway to my calf. But if I took the amount of time that you have in the past with yoga, I think I would get obsessed to be like, I'm almost doing the backwards flying monkey. You know what I mean? I just got to the point where I'm like, can I touch my toes? Yeah. And then eventually I could. Yeah. Every like two or three years, I feel like there's an article in the New York Times about how you can't get more flexible.

You cannot? It's not possible. What are you talking about? That's dumb and wrong. That is so ridiculous. No, I know. One, it's not right. And two, there has no,

there's been no article in the New York Times about it because it's so not right. No, no. It's doubly wrong. I promise what they say is that you like, you get more used to the pain so you can like go further, but you can't actually get more flexible.

Find me that article. I will, I will. I'll dig into it. I can push you. Stop. I agree with you a thousand percent that that sounds like bullshit. I feel like I know people who have learned to get into a split. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah. My trainer told me you just stretch out in the shower. So I stretched in the shower for like two months. I got like, you know, I got an inch or two. You get it. Yeah. Yeah. You start getting down there. I just in the shower for like two months. I got like, you know, I got an inch or two. Yeah, you start getting down there.

Do it a little bit. Yeah. Like in the shower for two minutes, try to get down there, shake it out, do one of these, hang over. Do you know that like where you hold a barbell and you stretch all the way to the right? Yeah. Like a side squat? Oh, really? Yeah. When I first started doing those, I only got to like, you know, this far and now

I'm all the way stretched. Right, right. There's literally no way the New York Times had that article. I swear. That's going to fire him up. I swear. Wait, he's got a whole article on these fake tapes. I get them not understanding what comedy is, but there's no way they understand yoga that little. I read it and I was just as upset as you are now.

And then I saw it again. I swear I saw it twice. I think you dreamed it as you were sleeping under a pile of New York Times. Like a fucking homeless Baltimorean. It was like this whole thing about like runners and how like the best runners in the world are like not flexible at all. Yeah. They're just like super tight muscles.

Dude, my old roommate used to- Maybe on that one. My old roommate used to sleep on New York Times. Really? He had, he was fucking nuts obviously he was a hoarder i kicked him out eventually because i didn't want to ruin our friendship but he would get a new york times every what is it once a week or every day once every day once every day okay yeah yeah i also don't fuck with the new york times like chris but i don't lie about it anyway he gets a, and he would be backed up.

He'd be backed up for two weeks. For a second, I was like, wait, no, what? You ever have someone say something so stupid that you're like, wait, I got to reconsider? Dude, this happened to me earlier today. I was walking home and I saw, like I was walking by one of those vans that sells weed. Yeah.

And the guy goes, hey man, how you doing? I was like, doing good, how are you? And he said, great, man. It's never a smart move. It's one of hey man, how you doing? I was like, doing good, how are you? And he said, great man. It's never a smart move. It's when a stranger says, how you doing? It's like they're just drawing you in. But I was on the move and he was stuck in a location. I thought I could just like, you know, I'd just say hi and get out of there.

Okay, fair. And then he said, he goes, I'm doing great man. I'm walking today because of cannabis. Because of cannabis? Yeah. And I had that feeling where it was like, I know what he said was perfect English because it was so weird. It sounded like gibberish.

Yeah. Yeah. And then so I stopped and I was like, what? And he was like, yeah, today I'm walking because of cannabis. And I was like, that's great, man. And I just kept walking. He never knew like- Did he mean like, I have like crazy arthritis and I can't normally walk?

Or did he mean like, there's some cannabis over there. I'm finally get off my lazy ass. I didn't stop to find out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, whatever he's saying is crazy. You know, it's like, isn't it enough that you're getting to sell weed now from a van on the street?

It's still gonna happen. How much better is he? Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he went the other way- He's gotta give you a superpower. Also, it's like, I'm already walking. You're already walking. You're talking to the wrong guy.

Sweet. Don't do some fucking invalid. Yeah, dude. What's he going to do to me? He's going to wheel him by. He's like, guess what he did to me. He said, I literally don't have legs. Yeah.

I can smoke all the weed in the world. I'm not getting out of this fucking chair. And help me move to New York. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm here. You're all dumb as shit, man. You do. It'd be better if he went the opposite route. He was like, hey, man, I lost Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are all dumb as shit, man. Maybe better if he went the opposite route and he was like, hey man, I lost my kids

because of cannabis. I'd be like, tell me how good this fucking weed is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me an interesting story. Do I look like that much of a square? Like I haven't smoked weed before? Like I'm gonna be like, wait, what? Yeah.

What is cannabis? Also like, that's the guy you're gonna get on the street corner, the guy who's going to help with your arthritis, that you're going to get through to him about the medical. Dude, whenever we start becoming medically legal in LA, it was always like, fuck this. None of us have cataracts. None of us have anything.

But then when anybody would come in a wheelchair, we'd all be like, after you, sir. You're the reason we're here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The reason it's legal for all of us. Yeah, thank you for your service. A true hero. We'll do the same for you.

I assume you lost your legs during the war. He's like, no. I'm going to keep assuming it. Someone was telling me that their friend's grandma had cancer or something like that. Yeah, good. Fuck her. Yeah, dude. She sucked.

She sucked, dude. Everybody knows that grandma sucked. Yeah, she's Fuck her. She sucked. She sucked, dude. Everybody knows that grandma. She sucked. Yeah, she's a bitch. Never read the New York Times. But she died, thank God. Thank God. And she left behind, like, apparently, like, some, forget what she was calling it.

Like, it was, like, a black pearl or something. But it's, like, a nugget of weed dipped in some oil and then sprinkled with keef. Yeah. Maybe. She left that behind? Your grandma was smoking that? Wait, was she dying of cancer? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So she's got to smoke the... I think, I mean, I get paranoid.

I don't have cancer. You're all these old cancer victims doing fucking torches. Wouldn't that freak you the fuck out? You're like, oh my God, I'm dying. I would rather not- I'm just getting high. Can you plant, I mean, this is a dumb question, but is she leaving it behind to regrow the shoots?

No, I think she died. She didn't work her way through the supply. Oh. So this is some good shit you should get. That's what I do every weekend on the road when I get a weed from like fans and stuff. I used to get heavy handshakes before. It was like pretty legal everywhere. And then I hate wasting it because I'm a Jew and a pothead and a drug addict.

So it's like I would try to find like the valet guy at the hotel or something. Yeah, just take this. I'm like, yes, dude. Yeah. Yeah, take that. Dude, I get that way with like fucking like if I over order like a restaurant yeah yeah like i've done this before and i know i if someone did it to me it's the strangest shit in the world but i'll have like half a wood fire pizza yeah and if they look like a normal couple i'm like look i didn't touch this

but clearly i did just do a couple i'm like do you want do you want the rest of this pizza and they're like fucking get away from my table. Dude, oh my God. But the intention is there. You know? I don't want to waste the food. I'm not going to bag it. You're from Philly and New York.

There are homeless people you can find. I know. That's a good idea. Maybe I just can't. I hate it. I don't want the table next to me. When I was out in LA, I went to, my buddy and I went to like one of the weed shops and he wanted to get he like eats

a lot he wanted to get two 200 milligram cookies and eat them it's big and so he picked up these two 200 milligram cookies and was like can i get like two of these and they were like yep and then they were ringing him up and they gave him one 200 milligram cookie. And then, you know, fucking two or three bags of just like five milligram cookies. And he's like, well, I don't want to eat. This much calories. Yeah. And they were like, oh. And he was like, so can you just switch this out?

And they were like, nope. No refunds. Everything's final. So he's just like wait what do you why like why would they even do that in the first place they get rid of the cookies they run out of 200s no they had them but then they blamed it on him like he said it wrong and he was like no i didn't i held up at the gate that should be a refund yeah yeah and they seemed high and shit so it's just a whole thing we wound up just giving i bet his

refunds were like i don't know how to do this i was in i was in portland once i ordered a And they seemed high and shit. So it's just a whole thing. We want to just give it Bridge down festival and I ordered I Asked I booted on so I was like, hey, there's t-shirts are cool. Can I get t-shirt? She was literally she said to me she goes It's all the way upstairs I looked at her for like 10 seconds. I was like, oh Okay I looked at it for like 10 seconds. I was like, oh, okay. I guess I don't want to eat it. I'll go get it.

Can I go get it? Oh, my God. I'll take a walk. What recommendation do you have to get somebody into wheat that isn't good? Dude, me and Sona, somebody gave me a 1500 milligram brownie. Jesus Christ. It wasn't even this size. It wasn't even this size. It wasn't even this big. It was like a quarter of that, but this thickness.

And you can't do anything with that. Gave one to the staff at the stand. You couldn't do anything with that? I was like, you understand what this is, right? A normal dose for most people is five or 10. Yes. At my height, 30, maybe 50. You know, warriors go like 200.

But 1500 is an unusable amount you can't break it off even yeah and so i was trying to give it to people i saw soda dan soda a homosexual comedian from san francisco and uh and uh i was like do you want this because no i can't do anything with it some young black comic was like i'll take it we're like you know what 1500 milligrams is right he goes yeah yeah sure sure i've always wanted to try an edible. And as he takes my edible, I'm like, no, no. Absolutely not. He's got a tinfoil hat and he's in a box.

Vomiting in 30 minutes. Yeah, yeah. I got to a chick once. She wanted to take an edible. I gave her like a piece of this banana bread that was going around LA. It was killing people. It was in a figurative way.

LA, early on, it was kind of unregulated. It was just like, like Rogan had a bit about it. X, double X and triple X, which had no relation. X meant nothing. So like, so this banana bread was going around and just some slices were thick. Some slices were thin. I gave it to this chick. I mean, a quarter size amount.

She was vomiting. We were going to fuck. God damn, we were going to fuck. And I was like, no, it's okay. You're almost, but also like, can we still fuck yeah yeah yeah yeah how do i fix this vomiting i can't even imagine what taking that feels like to be honest 1500 yeah yeah forget it what's the most you ever took dude when i was in la i took half a bite of a 10 half a bite of 10 half a bite of 10 and I was like

I was like I just don't want to be too high yeah you know I'm not good at being high I like I just you gotta get a tolerance everything is I feel like everything I'm second guessing everything that I do I'll like say a sentence and be like what did I do those are right those gummy bears no they're just standard sugar, sugar pops for this kid. What? Yeah, I just drink. I eat a bag of gummy bears almost just an unmarked bag of gummy bears. They come out of a box. Some some fans sent a whole box of yeah, yeah.

Those are weird dude. Even going chocolates, mushroom, mushroom chocolates. Is that's the most you mushroom chocolates are nice. Yeah. Fifty milligrams in most I ever did. Fifty fifty. Yeah. Five zero. Yeah. Yeah. And that's a lot for me because I usually do five or ten. That's our bag. What's the most used? Mushroom chocolates are nice. 50 milligrams is the most I ever took. 50? 50, yeah. Five zero. Yeah.

And that's a lot for me, because I usually do five or 10. That's a lot. Oh, of wheat? Yeah, I just kept biting it. I was like, it's not, well, I did that whole thing, like I ate. It's not going to hit me that hard.

And then two hours later, it was see ya. We gave John Jones once, he was on a plane, he used to love the wheat he brought from California. We had to get good wheat. And he's always like, in the early days, he would always good weed and he's always like in the early days he would always come up and he'd be like what you got on you here man i helped him become a champion i got some banana bread yeah but uh once he had these little breast strips who are 50 milligrams

each two in a pack like about that big and uh half of one gets you wrecked they'd hit you hard and we gave him someone a plane he just took both out and we're like no no no he's like fuck off dude yeah he could handle it really yeah who's the best joey joey's the best once in one time i took it did his podcast and there was um stars of death he called him there's a sticker on it says says the amount 25 milligrams like all right i'll take 25 milligrams to fucking get high on your podcast but then you ever have something just gnawing on you and until somebody verbalizes it, you can't. You know, like somebody like that restaurant's not as good as it used to be. Like, yeah, I'm glad you said that. It's been bothering me for a year.

You felt guilty about criticizing it? Yeah. It's going to be me with the lack of stretching. It's not a thing. For like a year from now, I'm like, you know what? That's been fucking bothering me. No, I'm going to find that article. It's's gonna break my heart if i can't find it won't be able to find because it doesn't exist anyway it just bothered me a little bit and then after like 10 minutes after i ate it i was like hey give me that packaging he's like why i'm like

can i just see something that sticker wasn't like straight up and down it was a circle but it was like curved and then i went and peeled peeled it. It was 250 milligrams. He had covered it with a 25 milligram sticker. Oh my God. That's fucked up. That is, I would be very upset if I got those. In for a dime or whatever the fuck it is.

It's got to be the other way around. Oh my God, I was wrecked. Do you move at all? Like 250? For a little bit. And then you just get buried. Then you just can't. And then he's like, see it.

Because he has a tolerance. I'm like, wait, where am I going? I can't drive on this. He just laughs and leaves. We have a long history of dosing each other in our friendship group. Yeah. I saw that. It's frightening.

Do you get anxiety? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, then. No, then usually it was just like a record where you can't even move. You just like become like the weed. Yeah.

But there's no visuals, right? You don't like... No, no weed. So you're just in your head and at least with mushrooms if you get incapacitated. Shit looks cool. Yeah, shit's cool

or like you feel like you're on a trip. You're just out of it. Remember getting too high just smoking? I can't do that anymore. Smoking with a chick. Yeah. I don't think white widow or something. We're going to see a movie and then we're like, let's smoke and then we'll drive and

go. And then we're just both just sitting there crossing each other. And you come out of it for a second like, oh, fuck, should we go to the... Yeah. That's why I always hated weed. I don't feel like... I'm an upper guy, naturally, but I do like mushrooms. I can't find the right amount.

Of mushrooms? No, of like smoking weed hits me 10 times harder than. You got to get dirt weed. So when I started smoking in LA, it was like, you could go to these bud tenders and really get advice. Yeah. Like, I would say like, Diaz, he would just go to the front it's like i want to see the devil what do you have for me and they go like oh my god sir they have two people open up locks at the same time and the door would open but like uh they tell you what like what you're

looking for i'm gonna hang out with my friends just one of the giggles okay we got this kind of for you and i was like i want to write and smoke i like the act of smoking i'm quitting smoking cigarettes but i don't if i get wrecked at macabre then like mexican weed we got it for you it's just like shitty weed like shittier that's what you need shit weed that doesn't have much thc that's kind of nice like a light beer yeah like a light beer keep smoking because the margins you can't have like like two hits be wreck you one hit not quite enough right one point four it's like taking a bite of a 1500 brownie. I have no fucking idea.

No, fuck it. What if you get like average potency weed that's good weed and just make a spliff out of it? Half cigarette, half weed. Sure. Is that the same idea? That's my favorite way. If you're European or American black, that's the way to do it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's all they do. I like a spliff. Yeah. Because you get a little nicotine buzz before the weed kicks in. Sure. It's a nice, it ramps you up.

I just want to hit the right fucking sweet spot. And I can't figure it out. I'm very, very bad at it. I've been going with really good weed. It's like, I'll go one hit and I'll actually- One hit. And then forget the fucking peer pressure. Yeah.

Just like, oh, wait 50. Because it hits faster. Yes. So 20 minutes later, you fully know. Probably within five or 10. Yeah. Oh wait 50 because it hits faster. Yes. So 20 minutes later you fully know probably within five or 10. Yeah. You fully know. And so if I need more

I can get more. And it doesn't last that long. Like if you take one hit you'll be flying and like you'll get two hours out of it. Yeah. Yeah right.

Doesn't last that long. And then you're like okay you'll be like coming back down and you're like I may as well take another hit. I'll take one hit again. Split a one hitter with somebody.

Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Yeah that's what I'm great yeah that's what i'm gonna do i'm fucking doing it yeah i'm doing it because people want to wreck you fuck that yeah it's like derosa when he's like let's do shots i'm like dude i'm already drunk yeah no come on let's do shots i'm like hey i'm not fucking 17 bro i understand how i've been drunk before yeah i'm in a good place here's it we're enjoying each other's company. That would never be possible. Exactly, and then he throws up and I'm like, why am I even considering this with you? Are we still gonna fuck?

For such a good drunk, he's a terrible drunk. Yeah, we're still gonna fuck. Yeah, I'm a Joey Diaz of booze though. Like I can fucking, it's crazy. Like I need devil sauce. Just keep going. Yeah, it's nonstop. What do you do, just beers or you do whiskey typically,

but any hard liquor, if I sat down at like, let's say 6. P.M. And like had like a cocktail for dinner and then didn't do anything for till 12, like easily another cocktail, another cocktail,

nothing. You can't, you can't have like a shot in a beer and feel good. Oh no. That turns the ignition. The car's not going anywhere. That's just getting the key in the door. He'll last forever, he won't like get stumbly. That's great.

But he gets very suspicious. Oh, interesting. That sounds like he's out of his mind. That is true. He starts saying a little paranoid and very suspicious. I do. I will take, I'll mix your words with your actions and I'll come up with conclusions that you're out to get me for some fucking reason.

That's not true. You want to go get a slice of pizza and be like, why? Because we haven't eaten in a while. Why are you trying to move me around? And he'll be like, dude, what are you talking about? Being a good drunk is not a good thing. I said this before. It's not a good thing?

No, because when you're really good, there's no signs or reasoning to stop. Oh, you're a tolerance. Your tolerance is through the roof. No, you still want to be a good drunk. Yes. Oh, yeah. Right, right, right. But when people have these horror stories about being terrible drunks, like some people

can't drink whiskey, they get fucking nuts. I get fired up. You want somebody slurring also, so you can, that's what you're saying, so you can like, oh, I see what you're doing. You look down, you have your double fist thing like, oh, I get it. You're being annoying because you're drunk. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. If they don't slur and they're fine, then it's like, why are you, what's wrong with you? What did I do? Yeah. I mean, there were moments in my past when I was at my peak where like, I would start seeing double in a social environment and just, I would just close an eye. That's great.

Yeah. It's got me home many times. And it's like, dude, if your body is literally drowning in alcohol, your fucking frontal lobe is floating in alcohol. You have nothing else in your system and you're just like having a conversation with somebody you'll never know. You'll never know. This is why you need to smoke weed at night.

Calm all your demons and cut all the bullshit soaking up your your loins i need a sign what's his name fucking shame grillis fucking he'll always go for a single leg takedown and you're like what oh because he never slurs like why are you trying to single leg me what is this why are you getting physical oh you're drinking. He's hoping to detect weaknesses in there. What? Come on. But you see how drunk you are.

How fast do you catch yourself? Do you parry? Yeah. And then if you're like, stop. He's like, oh, now you got a problem with me? And you're like, oh, are you ignoring me? He's like, oh, eyes hurt. Eyes hurt.

I'm like, Chuck, you're so annoying. God damn. Yeah. But again, that's a sign you know your side your friend signs yeah all right it's too much you can leave them yeah you can be like i'm not gonna talk i'm not talking to that person anymore like i see what he's trying to do i see he's getting anger for no fucking reason no reason yeah i was with adrian appaloochee we were smoking in austin like a few years ago and she just just we're at a diner. I asked her a question to like a fun question is if you could have this, too, if you could have someone not kill them, but had them have never existed

so no one will ever miss them, they'll just be gone from history. And she goes, nobody. That's a ridiculous answer. That is a ridiculous answer. I know. Who would it be? A lot of Democrats would say Trump having never existed. But they'd be like, no. I'm like, that's a ridiculous answer. Yeah, that is a ridiculous answer. But like, who would it be? A lot of Democrats would say Trump, having never existed. But they'd be like, no, I want to murder him.

But like, who would you have? We're thinking in the comedy scene. I'm not getting into that. That's just gossip. I got it. Yeah. George Steinbrenner. Steinbrenner.

If I had one wish outside of what you just asked, I'd wish for Steinbrenner to come back to life so I could watch him die a second time. You want him dead, though. He ruined fucking baseball. He ruined baseball? The guy ruined baseball. With free agency stuff?

What? With free agency stuff? Are you a Yankee fan? No, obviously not. Yeah, yeah. Just with the Yankees being so good for so long. Yeah, he bought all those championships. He changed the game.

Yeah, but also, I remember Steinbrenner from the shitty 80s years where we had one all-star. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's good for you. Yeah. Yeah, you came back around. It stands. We sure did.

Yeah, I missed all that. Yeah, when's good for you. Yeah. Yeah. You came back around. We sure did. Yeah. I missed all that. When I was coming up, they were getting good and just kept getting better. Got a lot of good owner. Yeah. Yeah. There's Newcastle Football Club or whatever. Their owner owns half of Saudi Arabia or is just some sheik.

And they're all like, fuck these owners. And then he's like, there's no salary cap. Yeah. So's just right buying championships. They're like sweet. We love Saudi Arabia Yeah, that company could bomb your whole village Yeah in in Delaware County, but I got like some guy that just took out your your family, but like he bought Championship team again, like this guy's not that bad. Yeah. Plus, Cousin Russ was kind of a dick drunk. You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's okay. It's okay. Anyway, she got in her head that I was going to kill her. She was high and I couldn't convince her. Because I'm like,

no, that's crazy. Of course you'd say that. And then I'm such a fucking autistic idiot that I'm like, no, if I was going to kill you, I would say that.

Your reason is not wrong. Yeah, yeah. i'm not gonna but like yeah i would say i'm not gonna and then she would like forget it for a while and we were driving back to we're staying at airbnb and she's like is that why you got an airbnb instead of a hotel oh my god it's like a long week i'm like no but damn no that is a good that and then i'd be like, oh, I fucking made the wrong turn. She's like, where are you going? Where are you going? And she'd forget for a while and I'd see her remember it.

So it'd be like, we'd be laughing. She'd be like, ha ha ha. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That happened with Tommy. And mushrooms. I was just going to say this.

Yeah, we like, we got mushrooms at Skank Fest and we took just a cap and a stem. And the big boys. Shane took it too. They're strong. We all went. They're strong.

We all went to hell. I had theories going in my skull that you wouldn't fucking believe. Like what? There were two fat guys. I thought we were chasing these two fat guys around the city. Right? So,

and we've already said this on the podcast. Because you saw two fat guys a couple of times. He saw. That story checks out. He saw two fat guys walking to their car at the end of a parking lot. Well, I guess we first we ran into him and they were fans.

They were fans and they knew how high we were. I didn't see any of that. So they were like, let's not interact with them. But they gave us like a little like what up and then walked past us. Dude. And then he saw him again at the other end of the parking lot walking to their car. And he's like, what the fuck is going on with those guys? Because I saw Chris nod to him.

In my head, I saw him go. Like you're up to something. Yes. Yeah. Like he was saying hi, like he was going to hand off some type of drug or something. And all I've been asking him,

because after the second hour, I'm in another hour of hell. And I'm like, get me back to the hotel, please. Yeah. And it's this way. I'm trying to look at my phone. My phone is like space cadet.

Oh, you can't see shit. It's like an old school Atari game. I can't see anything. So now I'm just trusting him. We go around the block like four or five times. I see the fat guys again. So now I'm like, are you following these fat guys? And he's like, calm down.

You were not following the fat guys. And I thought he was like setting me up for something. No, and we literally, there were no Ubers because it was Astro World. Oh, dude, it's not. Oh, everyone's trying to Uber into a trampoline. Yeah, yeah. So we had to walk. We had to walk.

And it was just. It's a nine minute walk. Dude, but. Exactly. We were so fucked up. And I'm like on the edge of my mind breaking, but I know how to get home. And every block, he's like, where the fuck are we? And I'm like, dude, it's like dude it's just and then you can't

see anything before you turn hold it further away it's blurry you go lower the light like that's too much so then we saw two other fat guys completely unrelated like right before we're back i mean it is houston and you start screaming at me on the street screaming at them at me no i had enough i was like what the fuck take me back to the fucking hotel. I'll fuck you up. And then we get in the elevator of the hotel and I'm just staring at him, breathing like a fucking bull. Just waiting for him to give me an explanation as to why we're still-

And I'm feeling like the fucking man. Like, I got us home. I'm like, the amount of high fives I'm going to get for this. A little cool would be nice. Yeah, yeah, bro. That was almost impossible what I just did. I turn around, he's looking through me just like

what's going on with those two fat guys this is like i just expected him to be naked in the hotel room by the time we got back just two fat dudes waiting to get pounded i love you just can't get something out of your head also you can't focus me and uh fucking jim mapleson uh philly comic jay okerson was Was we were buying. We were on shrooms and we're buying pizza in Ottawa. And it's just like I couldn't Canadian money. I was looking at it and the guys there are like, give me back whatever's left. Yeah.

A couple of coins. Yeah. Oh, that is it's painful. And then he wanted to go back out. Really? What's your calm down? he wanted to go back out. Really? Once you calm down? Because we got to the hotel room. You need a home base.

That's a nice thing to have on a mushroom trip is a home base you can go in and out of. That's it. You calm down. You have your surroundings. Okay. Yeah. Breathe a little. You're okay.

It's like, I think I'm good. Let's go out. And I kept looking at the curtain. The curtain was my leveling out. Your anchor. My anchor to see how high it was and if it was drifting off. You know, the curtains were moving, they were waving,

and then they slowly started waving. I'm like, oh, I'm at a good pace to go back out because we thought a stem and a cap. That shouldn't have been that much. No, dude. Cap and a stem is a party, man. Dude, that's a six pack of beers. It's nothing.

You could socialize half the time. I would say even less than that. That's a six pack of beers for him. Right, You can socialize half the time. I would say even less than that. That's a six pack of beers for him. Right, yeah. That's a shot and a beer for most people. True, true. It's a citywide special. Yeah.

But yeah, I tried to go back out because we only have, there was no TV. We paced around the fucking carpet for an hour. No, we turned on the TV. That's a bad idea. That's what he said. Yeah, yeah.

We turned it on. Unplug it. Yeah, and like the first ad was like, is your mom stuck in the internet or something? I don't's what he said. Yeah, yeah. We turn it on. Unplug it. Yeah, and like the first ad was like, is your mom stuck in the internet or something? I don't know what she said, but it was just like. Cause he was like, let's turn on the TV. Do you fear people are out to get you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We are always slipping away. Is your friend trying to set you up with two fat gay guys? Try my pillow. I was like, don't turn it on, don't turn it on you were like i think we need it you turn we turn it on for one second and it's bad yeah it takes you out of it i agree you're right with that 100 i would my big advice would be run your phone battery down to zero before you even start and tuck it unplug the tv that's what i told him don't pick up your phone don't look at

your phone don't pick it up don't even have it any battery because you might get that thought to do it worst like best case of bad scenario is you start texting your mom i love you you're so special like shit like that where it's like you're gonna regret it just don't have it on you well that that's what i was going through because i was the one who suggested we take it. So I was like, I killed my friends. Like whatever we took just now is not mushrooms. And like, I got Tommy back to the hotel and I'm convincing him to just ride this out, but we're going to die. Yeah. And then, and Shane's going to die. And it was like, God forbid I live through this.

I would have killed important people those boomers were fucking hitting everybody there you would make some decent merch money on airbrushed dead t-shirts I was this close to calling my mom the only time I looked at my phone was to check the time I was just like make another minute

not even that you shouldn't even be like it'll be done when it's done you know it's gonna be five hours so it'll be done when it's done. You know it's going to be five hours. So it'll be done when it's done. Yes, that's exactly what it was. It's been like 10 hours. It hasn't because it's not done yet. So at most it's four hours and 50 minutes.

What's your worst trip you've ever had? I've never really had bad trips. Really? Only good ones. Yeah, all these bad trips, I believe in them. But I've had friends start crying. Do you think it's mind control? Like if we...

No, I think it's like, who are you control like if we no i think it's like who are you around and like it's like one thing like i i took an edible i used to take edibles and go and then fly you know and i was coming to do my first special in new york and this back in the airbnb days were like they would send you your keys it was really somebody's house like you know before it became like hotels and somebody so the guy sent me his keys i'm staying there for a week while i'm setting up and doing all the shit was at the knitting factory and i'm on the plane like i left the keys in the fucking god damn at my coffee table and i'm in air going to new york landing at 11 i'm like i got no and i'm poor i can't like yeah get a hotel yeah and i'm like fuck and then i just start spins and the sweats but i've done it enough times where i'm

like write it out and then figure out get get the wi-fi But I've done it enough times where I'm like, ride it out and then figure out, get the Wi-Fi and see if you can text the guy and email him. Well, that's where I'm at with like the mushroom chocolates or like if I do even a hero's dose of mushrooms, I know I'm flying for a while. That was the only case because of the penis envy where I was like, the intensity of the high, when we were walking down the street,

no joke felt like we were inside of a video game. And everything was so crazy. It's also that anytime you take something and it doesn't feel like it should feel. Right. Like it was, again, we took a cap and a stem and then it was chaos. So if we had taken like five grams, I would have been totally like, whatever, we just ride this out. We made a mistake. You're like, this shouldn't be.

I would say anytime, I wrote a fucking primer on how to take mushrooms if you google shroom fest primer it should pull up like it's intense it's like intensive it's everything you need to know about mushrooms really oh yeah i did it for the benefit of the people it's if you google shroom fest primer it should come up, let me say, you want to Google it, see if it still comes up? Do something instead of just listening like a fucking idiot. God damn, you suck. Burke, Ari, Ari Burke.

But one of the things, if it ever goes crazy, it is, I think my heart's stopping, any thought you have, it's obviously the mushrooms you took. Anything crazy that happens within, you know yes it's that yeah maybe my legs stop working or maybe it's the mushrooms yes yeah and also if it's too much just really legitimately say hey mushrooms ease it up a little pull it back and then you'll be like it'll be a little better dude i did feel i felt like euphoria come up yes nice nice yeah send that to me and then it's just everything you didn't know.

What is it? Where is it? How do I take part? How much is it? Yeah. No merch or something else. That is my least favorite thing. I don't know.

Like, there were kids in high school that would get, like, they would smoke weed and get so high, they're like, I need to call an ambulance. And it's like- Yeah, that's fun. You do not- Ruin the party for everybody. You do not need to call an ambulance. You don't know. You don't know. You don't know.

It's like, that is a terrible idea. Parents get involved. You just touch a web of people that you can get in trouble with. Yeah. Don't do that. Just run your phone down. Yeah. Just sit in a corner.

Yeah. That's the best part about somebody getting too fucked up on booze. They just throw up and they lay down. They pass out. Yeah. Yeah. You ever thrown up like down. Throw up and pass out. Yeah. Yeah. You ever thrown up like on the street and like pass out in the street? Yes.

The pass out was very short though. It's disgusting. Yeah. I've thrown up many times in the street. It's usually it's a city thing. It's not usually when you're camping. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. The last time I put on my, I went to, I had a wedding recently and I was like, see if these wedding pants fit. And there's just splashes. Throw up all over my shoes and pants. I feel like that is like an underrated part of Uber. The value of Uber is keeping a lot of people from sleeping on the street.

Yes. Oh, right. Because if you, or just getting caught on a subway and just riding it fucking forever. Yeah. Because it's like. Passing out. Get me to this place. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's like- Passing out. Get me to this place.

Yeah. Yeah. You ever slept an entire trip? What? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Slept an entire trip of an Uber?

Dude. And they're like, hey, sir, we're home. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Just get out. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

There's my house. The longest I ever did was probably 20 minutes. I mean- But that was like a 45 minute trip. I'll do it on purpose in the morning. I like- I'm just like- Yeah? Do you? If it's like a 6 a.m I'll do it on purpose. I like airport. Yeah. It's like a 6 a.m. flight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm getting an extra 35 minutes. I try to sleep. Yeah. Great at sleeping in a car. Yeah. I just sleep. What's your doctor talking to an immigrant? You know, do that. Not that that's a nightmare.

Nine. Dude, I got I'm honestly I have a good time with Ubers. Like, I have a good time talking to Ubers. Sometimes they're fun. They have stories of like shit. Like, you're like, what's your country like? And if they're willing to tell you, you can like, you know shit. I think it's all city related too. Like, when I go back to Philly, I'll take Ubers like to the suburbs and then back to the city.

You get those long 45 minute treks. If they start it, I'm in. If they don't, like, i don't start to talk to him but you know within the first two minutes like this is going to be a friendship yeah and then if you're the right amount of drunk it's like you know it's like doing coke in a way it's like we're gonna keep in touch you're saying good luck to his oldest kid caitlin you know what i mean i wish you the best at the westchester university you You get in that fucking heartwarming moment, like, I want to change this guy's life.

I'll take my three bucks thinking you're going to help Caitlyn. Oh, yeah. I used to do that and I started feeling like, I started hating myself for it. For talking to them? Being the fun guy in the car when you're drunk. Yeah. Well, he started it.

Just a guy like, yeah, all right, dude, you're going to be the fun guy? Yeah. I'm like, cool, man. I don't know. You what? I've had chicks get uber driver to be like can we smoke weed in here and they're like sure roll down the windows well i'm like what yeah how do you what yeah all the time it's like fucking female privilege it's wild it is

fucking wild that's why i love seeing those videos of them getting like wrecked like tossed out of the when somebody stands up against white women, dude, I get fucking hard about it. Against what? White women? Yeah. When they stand up against white women. Yeah. Stand up against white women.

Yeah. Oh, sorry. Like the inner city New York white woman thinking she's, because she's from fucking Wisconsin. No one's from Manhattan. They're all white privileged bitches that are trying to get by in life. And they fuck with these Uber drivers. And when those dudes have had enough. They've had. I come from a country where your gender is not respected. Yeah. And they fuck with these Uber drivers. And when those dudes have had enough. They've had,

I come from a country where your gender is not respected. So I've been faking it until now. And it's over. Yeah. You should be in a cage with a mask on. Yeah. Yana says this. You got to send me some of these videos.

Oh, that's the best. That's a good rabbit hole. When they snap, when they snap and they fucking, they literally will take them through their, their pink sweats, you know,

just chuck them out. Secret pink sweats and haul that dumb bitch right out of there. That's nice. The New York homeless people are more respectful than the LA homeless people because here in New York, we burn them alive every 10 years or so. So they know, like, don't go too far. These guys are the only ones.

Yeah, they're nice. So it's like some of these women are like, hey, I have the benefit of getting punched once in a while. Some of the streets, I got to keep my... But if you don't get punched and there's no threat of it, what's stopping you? No. I say it all the time.

The threat of violence is key to leveling out society's behavior. That's why trans women are now the most annoying people in the universe because no one will tell them to shut. When they're being loud on the train, everyone just kind of like close their eyes, but no one's like, hey, shut up. They can even say that to women, but trans people are like,

I can't say shit. We used to New York. So now they're just getting more and more uppity, uppity, uppity. And they just won't stop. And there's a risk of hitting a trans with like, and they got like a fucking history, dude.

How dare you? Yeah. I used to be golden gloves when I was not this. They're fucking bad. That's one of my favorite clips of all time is Simon Cowell. There was like a guy Yeah, I used to be golden gloves when I was not this My favorite clips of all time is Simon Cowell There was like a guy who did like a performance and then he started crying afterwards during like the judge Talk thing and he was like what's what's going on? He's like I just want to I Want to finally come out like i'm gay he was like so who gives a shit in this industry yeah this industry you're gonna

be fine yeah yeah what are you crying about it's crazy this is not the coal miners no one has ever said that on a stage that i was like fuck all yeah gay who cares and this was he was like it's 2007 yeah right so you're gonna be fine yeah that motherfucker he's still around right he's still doing he's fucking models everywhere he goes yeah he's great god he's gotta have so much money so much cash he wears like fucking rib t-shirts from lane bryant with his weird milky tits melt off the side of his body old guys who keep it in shape or just like became got into their own at some point so they're trying to like get ripped but it's like yeah the tits aren't right yeah it's like looks like you've been milking his

history kids yeah it's terrible anyways great one of those guys yeah he's got it like there's those people who you're like whatever fucking happened to that guy and then you really you realize they're like a producer on every every show. Yeah, he started. Like, I think he was a host on Britain's Got Talent and then went to American Idol. And he owned that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he also was like, didn't he make a bunch of boy bands? Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah.

I hope he got to fuck some of those kids. He wasn't like, nah, that was Ron Perlman. Ron Perlman got his fingers and tongue in every little hot kid. Which one's Ron Perlman? The actor? No, he was his. Who was Hellboy? He's the son of an kid. Which one's Ron Perlman? The actor? No, he was- Who was Hellboy? He was Sons of Anarchy.

Who's Hellboy? Yeah, who's that? I think that also is Ron Perlman. He was also Ron Perlman. You're saying on record right here, Ron Perlman from Sons of Anarchy made multiple children? Only boy bands. Dude, that would rule. Wow, that's crazy.

Hellboy indeed. It was Ron Perlman, right? The fat, bold white guy. I think so. It's definitely a Perlman. Yeah. But yeah, he took all of N'Sig's money. Hellboy indeed. It was Ron Perlman, right? The fat, bold white guy. It's definitely a Perlman. But yeah, he took all of Insig's money. No, we're talking about he sexually assaulted him. He put all of his fingers in and that didn't take all their money.

He didn't take their money. It took their innocence. I think you got it the other way around. Okay, you'd rather have this guy breathe into your body. No, not rather. I'm saying what actually don't love that. Not rather.

I'm saying what actually happened is he stole all their money. Yes, that was part of it. I don't think he- What, you think Timberlake got fingered? I think he fucked four other bands, too. Fucked them or fucked them out of money. You're saying Justin Timberlake got fingered by Ron Perlman. I didn't say- He never gets-

Hold on a second. He never gets to the star. All right. You know why? Just like a predator, a true predator doesn't go after the alpha of the kids.

Right. They go after the slow. Pick off the stars. That's how I am. Get the third hottest chick in a group. Exactly. The hottest one

is she knows she's hot. It's true. Justin Timberlake is undeniable. Yeah. That dude with the mustache at 17. Dude,

you don't go for the fucking cheerleader drinking all night. You go for the chunky one that's on her third daiquiri lim at 17? Dude, you don't go for the fucking cheerleader drinking all night. You go for the chunky one that's on a third daiquiri limping to the bar, you know, slurring, chewing. Now you're talking about a crime. Am I even attractive? I think you are. Anyway.

Nobody respects you like I respect you. So many knows about Ron. No, he didn't. Monty P, you see, yeah, he took them all down. He had a couple bands and he stole their money. Did he fuck those kids? Yeah. Burke?

Burke, look it up. Look it up. Jesus Christ, yeah, he took them all down. He had a couple bands and he stole the money. Did he fuck those kids? Yeah. Burke? Burke, look it up. Look it up. Jesus Christ. Yes, he did. I'll fucking, I'll bet you $100. He went away for sexual assault. What if he went away, like just took time to think? He took a couple of mushrooms.

Two caps, one stamp. Thought about what he did, he's fucked. Damn. There's that, the Runaways, that was that, Joan Jett and all them. At 14, he was like, time to make you girls women. Bend over, just line them up, fucked them all at the same time. What? Yeah.

Their manager, some guy with a cowboy hat. Damn. Time to turn your girls into women. How many of these ladies turned out to be stars? Four or five girls. Well, there was Joan Jett. In the same room, in a row? They were all next to each other.

It was wild what you'd get away with at 15% back then. 15%, not just 10 back then. 15% on top of the race. Yeah. They're fucking you from all angles. That is wild. It's wild. They talk about it. Who was it?

Lita Ford, Joan Jett, I don't know, I forget who else was in the runaways. So is that- It's good. Yeah. It's good odds. I mean who else was in the Runaways. So is that good? Yeah. It's good odds. I mean, like, was it consensual? It was like, no. They didn't know how to do it.

Good question, Chris. They're 13. Let's all line up and show our buttholes to this guy in a cowboy hat. What were they wearing? What did Joan Jett say about it? She wasn't stoked, I don't think. Did she write a song? She wasn't stoked, I don't think. Did she write a song? She wasn't thrilled?

I don't know. I remember them talking about it. It was like, what? And the other one's like, oh yeah, yeah, for sure. I'm like, what? Yeah, this always baffles me. Every story you see about these young stars being isolated away from their parents under 18 years old.

It's like, you're letting this guy go to fucking Disneyland with Michael Jackson? Why does LA seem so much creepier than New York? It is. What do you mean? I don't know. Is it?

Because New York, maybe, I'm just pulling out guesses. This guy has the same amount of creeps. New York, everyone's on top of each other. Yeah. And LA's more spread out,

so you can go to the hills and not see anybody. Right. You're in a apartment building. Somebody sees you walking out hand in hand. Yeah, yeah. Stroking the fucking face.

Yes. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah. Also, the pyramid of influence in film industries in Hollywood. Yeah, yeah. Stroking the fucking face. They're like, what the fuck? Also the pyramid of influence in film industries. It's big, it runs that town. Yeah, it's all here. Whereas here, film, it's like, yeah, who gives a shit? Yeah, they just want like the architecture.

They're like, oh, this is neat, it's a big city. Wall Street, architects. You come here to film, you take the kids back there to lay them down. Yeah, definitely. What'd you find out, Burke? And that's what I see. Lou. Sorry, Ron. And what? He raped him?

Apologized to Hellraiser 1, Hellraiser 2, Hellraiser... Is there a third? I don't know. I don't know. That's going to be a bomb. Hellraiser 2 was good. No, it's Hellboy. Hellboy. Hellraiser. That's King Hand, right? That's a weird one. That's a really weird fucking movie. Yeah. Is that supposed to be Louis C.K.

up there? Yeah. Perfect likeness. It is pretty good. What time are we at? I gotta pee. Well, I gotta tell you guys my fucking special is taping. Yes, let's do it. We got time. June 11th to 12th. I thought you were gonna go pee while you did that. No, no. June 11th to 12th

at the Roulette, but you can check it on my website, arieshafeer.com. Saturday, June 11th. Sunday, June 12th. Shafir Jew my next fourth fourth special fuck yeah now how are you putting this out like I'm not doing that till after I record one step at a time you record first then you worry about the sales because you don't want

you don't want me thinking about where it's going while you're making it right you want to just be thinking at least for me you want to just be thinking about making something good how has it been making the hour interesting because i did it it took like three years and i did it all uh so then i had to stop it was right before kobe i was going to pick it up again in a few months but then cobit hit so then you couldn't so then it was like a year or more without even touching the material more yeah year and a half probably it was summer before i could even get on stage again and that was outdoors then learning a little bit how to do stand-up again then the next october i left for

ecuador that was six months of no stand-up and then and then by the time i got back in like late april i was like i gotta learn how to do stand-up again how to hold the mic and all that shit yeah yeah so then it was just relearning stand-up for like six months and then going back to the old material which is cool because i could like chop it down there was some that was like too long the setups were too long yeah i could see it when i like stepped back from it yeah how much of your old material i'm interested because i haven't done stand up in years in years yeah it's been years what really yes yeah why hey i i don't know i got a funk that i didn't enjoy it at that time we were selling delco and i got like out of my i got in my head about shit and then i stopped going out and then i just stopped

doing it it's a real shame pope yeah well i'm coming back and this is why i'm going to ask you some questions yeah you're supposed to do a show june 10th yeah we got we got some dates but but it's going to take a lot of time. How much of your old material did you reconstitute? Because six months off is a lot. Six months of retraining yourself. Six months after only outdoor shows twice a week in the summertime of COVID. So I'm going to look at old shit and be like, what the fuck was I thinking? Look at old shit.

I would say look at old shit because you also see like this wasn't as good as I thought. Yeah. Especially if you have tapes, which is now a good time on your phone. You probably have like recordings i got audios yeah perfect yeah you'll hear you're like that's funny or like damn i'm milking a setup yeah yeah you can't really see it for in there you're like you'll see i see a lot of comics do this and i've done it too where like they'll say a setup and then you already know where they're going like maybe and they're like almost like congratulating themselves

you're not the one who should do that and it's like do we already know where you're going yeah that's how your mom talks to you like that's how she finishes the show yeah i mean it's this realization of maybe you should have cleaned the dish first i'm killing killing in the kitchen you gotta get on stage where it doesn't matter first we're not charging for tickets oh yeah no you gotta do a bunch of those yeah just bomb for months i even hit an open mic or two i'm not above them yeah um just to get like comfortable talking you got to just do it though what you got to just do it like you have to just do it yeah um just to get like comfortable talking you got to just do it though what you got to just do it like you have to just do it yeah just just accept that it's

gonna be nerve-wracking yeah i got back from six months in ecuador not even not even thinking about stand-up really and then like yeah it's just it's how'd you get to ecuador for six months covid everything shut down yeah that rules yeah how why why ecuador they took my dog so some kind well first mainly the country's narrowed down for us because like nobody would take americans yeah that first october of uh i left halloween the first october of covid the american passport was the least valuable yeah there were a few countries to take us but like uh but like i didn't want to go to like prague for fucking i know it's not a country but like for like the winter yeah so narrowed down a couple african countries but then i got fucking uh uh xenophobic when i started a story or two about them burning gays alive and i was like it's like what is this place and so then it was like malta ecuador costa rica

mexico maybe but mexico was like they're talking about like you can't really drive on the highways i'm like it's we might be gone forever remember like it was maybe not going to open up again yeah yeah yeah like that first full winter like he said it's bad. And like, I put some stuff in storage, but I'm like, that might be, I might never come back. Like society might've broken down. Yeah.

Dude, I still have now when I'm watching like hockey games or basketball games with full attendance, I'm like, it is weird where I, there was a moment where I thought this would might not happen ever again. Yeah. When they,

Brady switched to Tampa and be like, what the, who the fuck cares about that? Now, are you out of your mind? It's not gonna be football again. Yeah. So anyway,

Ecuador was there. It was a new country. I had a street going. It's a great choice. It was a great choice. You could drive. It's like three separate countries in one with the mountains and the Amazon and the beaches. So it was just like,

fuck. My buddy ran a club slash pizza place on the beach in Montanita. Wow. Really? For six years. Wow. Dream. That's the party town in Ecuador. And like three years in, his partner got killed

outside of the bank picking up the rent. Robbed? No. Killed. For what? The money. For ruts out. Oh, yeah. No, I thought you thought I was going to be like, he got raked over the coals. No, no. For run time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just like. No, I thought you thought I was gonna be like, you got raked over the coals. No, no, you like, you got killed, yeah,

and they took the money. Yeah, the ultimate robbery. My buddy was saying that people would just wait outside of a bank. Yeah. When was this? This had to be like, oh, nine. They've gone through some different periods

with different presidents and shit. I think Moreno turned a lot of it around and then he got exiled it's fucking the political system was weird there's an election then and it was wild he fucking loved it it's great that is the party we went and that was one of our first stops at the beach was montanita yeah oh dude i met some so my second stop i was there second time around at the beaches and i was in a nearby city and then um where there's a few white people yeah montanita is like there is where they go for spring break so the first like 10 days i was like hey maybe maybe um because of covid like it's not this party town and then the last four

days like you just hit yeah yeah i'm like oh spring break just started yeah it was so quaint and tranquil and then it's like started while we're there and they like start partying at like midnight right oh dude they go and you see people like waking up like oh you slept on the beach like It was so quaint and tranquil. And then it started while we were there. And they start partying at midnight, right? Oh, dude, they go. And you see people waking up like, oh, you slept on the beach. They have a place called Booze Lane or something like that. It's just for getting fucking pass out drunk. Somebody offered me a drug.

What is it? He goes, we don't know yet, but it's this new drug. And I'm like, that's what you're dealing? You're not even making up what it is? Just say it's one of the things that I know. I could see myself retiring in a place like this. It was great. So we met some people at this other beach town nearby alone.

And kind of white, a little bit more white. And expats and shit and whatever. And some people next to us. So one guy kept looking. And it was for the first time. I got recognized like three times in Ecuador for six months. It was was great and he looked and i was like he might be giving me that recognized look but i've lost it a little bit that my finger on it and then he's like asked me and i was like yeah all these guys from um from uh wildwood new jersey and they had

that accent and he's like oh you yeah my four never i can't do it he came to the city he's like Wildwood, New Jersey. And they had that fucking accent. And he's like, oh, yeah, my I can't do it. He's like, every year we come to Montanita. Instead of Montanita, come Montanita. It was so fun. They ran a Dairy Queen in Wildwood. They're all fucking lifeguards.

I'm like, do you want us to bother you? I'm like, no, dude, let me hear that accent for a while. It took me back. Wildwood's comprised of animals that run Dairy Queens, if you're white. And then just hardcore Irish people doing hardcore labor throughout the winter hours. Yeah. The wintertime. And then that's it. It's fucking, dude, the wintertime on a beach in New Jersey is the best if you can survive.

Dude, I was in Philly this weekend and i went to there was like a bar an old bar closing down called old philadelphia old philly yeah and uh i walk up outside of it it's all just northeast philly dudes hanging out there and the first thing i heard was it was a woman yelling at a guy that he was an asshole and he's like what am i supposed to do i knocked you up you didn't call me back one two three days after so what am i supposed to do i'm gonna go find someone else it's just like what the fuck the old 72 hour period of a baby mom and she was like you're just a bitch and that's that. That's that. I was like, all right. You didn't want to accept that.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. Amazing. Three days, no phone calls. It's like your pregnant girlfriend is just done. 50 years old, selling kayaks or a pizza shop, boogie boarding. Just make a little beach. Yeah, so one of their friends moved there.

Opened up a, well, he he married a local lady fell in love they used to go there so now his other buddy visits him every year and then occasionally they'll take some other people like you want to come going again this year yeah and it really is surfboards cost five bucks for an hour six bucks for two hours and you just get it and just go and hang. The beaches are 12 kilometers long so you're never jockeying for waves. Jesus. And it's just great. Everything's cheap.

They'll come make you ceviche from scratch off the carts on the beach for fucking $7. This guy, it takes him like 15 minutes to make. He just makes everything fresh. Yeah.

Pulls up a fucking chair. Oh my God. Sits down, eats on plates, washes them, just keeps going down. They go up and down. Six months later,

you come home, you're at an open mic with fucking autistic maniacs. Dude. Telling Hitler jokes. It's like, holy shit, what a fucking change.

We came back when it was like, it's opening up, vaccines are here, everyone took them, but things never really opened it up, so it's time to go home, but then it was like, kind of don't want to.

Yeah, dude. When you're in that laissez-faire attitude, do you even think, like, you know how you come back to New York, you're in that writing style, like, oh, that's something interesting. Well, you're always, you're whiskers for new content. Nothing. Yeah. I mean, I was surprised and disappointed on how little I thought about standup. Yeah.

But that's also- How little I thought of a joke. It was just like, I didn't think in those terms. Yeah. Because I wasn't doing it. Do you think that's also beneficial to little I thought of a joke. It was just like, I didn't think in those terms. Yeah. Because I wasn't doing it. Do you think it's also beneficial to your mental health? Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, it's like a fallow year for crops. Yeah. Yeah. You know? I'm sorry, you guys are fucking- You just get to fill up the- Pants of any trash. That's what you let like-

I assume- Burke, look up fallow. ... the crop is bad or something. Or you're like rotating- Yeah, you rotate it or let it go. Like, you put nothing in that field for a year and let the like yeah restore yeah um yeah it is but it's uh it's like kind of really is where i spent four months in southeast asia same shit i thought of like one joke early on and then you just don't think in those terms yeah you just kind of laugh it does

feel like you're filling up the bucket right yeah right so then later right you're not getting oh that happened let me talk about it tonight you're like let it go in it's like kind of now you have a story about your childhood right yeah yeah but then you mind it all and you're like yeah yeah dude just go on stage didn't you go on stage at the cello that night no or who went on mccusker mccusker yeah maybe you and mccusker yeah yeah, the last show I did was with Shane. Yeah. No, I was there. You were there.

Shame. Shame grills. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. Good. Cruisin'. Yeah, are you going to stick around, do Patreon another hour?

For a little bit, if I can piss first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can absolutely piss. Yeah, I did that. Why? Why'd you bring it up pick a piss on the seat no yeah you can piss all over the seat i do it every day that's what he does i do it every day i'm just fucking made yeah so how much of this album do you think is is like going through that experience

which is the first time in your life right in terms of like taking all that time off oh yeah how much of this album none of it because this is the hour i like made about judaism about all that before so this is like i had to dust off that specific material but then like extra so like i had leftover stuff so every time like i my example is always like seeing a homeless guy himself on the corner is like that doesn't go in this hour but i'm still going to talk about it for a week on stage yeah and then I'll get back to this fucking Jew shit yeah so like that stuff some

of I mean but some of it is like COVID you can't you can't record anything about COVID yeah it's been done to death instantly of course yeah like we had to talk about it because you have to get shit off your chest as a comic but like all these people recording their their bits about it's like dude don't it's

all hacky yeah we all went through the same thing yeah it's like what they always say like don't record a special in like an election year exactly material about i saw a comic do that he does whole big chunk a respected comic about hillary clinton and it came out six months after the election and it's like dude no one's even thinking about her anymore yeah yeah no one cares it's like that's for clips for the internet at the time that's it yeah and so it's like yeah so it was it was black lives matter it was coveted it was the election so a lot of that it's just like unusable yeah but it was great for the time yeah but some of that from ecuador it has been going in a little bit yeah one of the last sets i did was your show uh this is not happening really

yeah that was one of your last sets last year 2017 yeah how did that am i allowed to ask about that at all sure are you i'm sure you're so fucking tired no longer exists yeah right exactly do you uh are you starting that up again is that the live shows yeah we've been doing it before anyway live shows first i just i just changed the name. It was like- Dude, the one- You can steal it from me. They just blackmailed me into saying I'll leave. They're like, we'll fire people two weeks out, all your grips.

They won't be able to pay their rent or you can walk away. How do you want to play it? Jesus. That's like Christ. Evil. Evil. And for this idea that they're still holding onto, that they're in competition with Netflix. When Netflix is like, dude, you're irrelevant.

Yeah, right. He's like, we don't even think about you. I saw that thing because I don't know, did you see Rich Voss got in trouble? Oh, in Canada? Yeah, yeah. I just saw an article today. He said something racially offensive.

There was like indigenous people at the show and he was Rich Voss. He made fun of them. And then the people were like, they were pissed that they didn't cancel the rest of the shows. Yeah, that's what they want. But it's also like, you know there's other people that work there. There's bartenders, there's waitresses.

No, they don't know that. There's a bunch of people that are going to lose out on their rent money. No, they don't know that. One time after Louis came back to the cellar and everybody got up in arms because they were like, none of them think it out. It's like letting the privates or the police choose the laws. And that's what they're doing. Like, well, you should be like, well, how's that going to work?

Like, well, I don't know. I used to go to tapings, but I lived in New York for a year in college and we'd go to like daytime talk show tapings, you know, like Maury and like shit like that. Yeah. And we would like try to get on we're like try to ask the question to get on so be like what should we ask and like whatever

one of them was like uh these deadbeat dads and my friend was like um he raised his hand and they're like yes what is it i forget who it was it might have been the black dude um who wrote a book he was smart i forget his name now. But like... Malcolm Gladwell? No, no. Talk show host. Oh, he was a talk show host? Yeah. Montel Williams? Montel.

I only heard the second part of the question. But we raised our hand. He was like, yeah, what is it? He goes, well, I think you should take care of your kids instead of running away. And everyone claps and he sits back down. And we're like, way to take a stand, man. Way to really have fun.

He was like, I got on. But anyway, one of them was about uh women who drink during pregnancy and won't stop doing drugs and drinking this lady was like eight months pregnant it's pretty much a version of like i don't give a fuck and somebody was like i think we should take you in the back and beat the shit out of you how would you like that everyone claps and then uh the guy the host like well actually that'd be way more damaging for the fetus than what you're talking about okay good point like, oh, okay, good point. No, we keep it around the face.

Yeah, but everyone clapped because they're all idiots. Yeah. You can't let an idiot choose. Of course. And they probably just think it's the rhythm of the show. Someone says something and you go, yeah. Yeah. The pause machine came on.

It sounds right. Yeah, these people never think it out. There's this indigenous lady and Janelle Niles runs a show called um got land in uh canada they had a comic on he was talking about how um he was like hey i was a secret guest he had like five indigenous comics and one like guest whitey and one of the comics doesn't matter which one i think it was the whitey but doesn't matter made a joke to a mostly indigenous audience going like hey they took me here they didn't tell me it was a secret guest. I guess they the secret, according to them, is, you know, sticking you in the trunk of a car and murdering out and whatever.

And everyone laughs because it's calling attention to the fucking, you know, all these fucking native chicks who are getting raped and killed all the time, knowing the shit about it. And when they're laughed, it's one of those, oh, you know. And then the clip went on later and then everyone's like, how dare you? Get that show canceled. And you're like, the people laughed. Yeah yeah they had a good time the indigenous people laughed yeah they're all just about destruction it's like that john lennon song if you're talking about

destruction i'll say no way you know say you want a revolution but if you're talking about destruction yeah i'm out i'm out yeah so that's what they're doing and the actual story is with the rich voss thing is most people laughed and had a good time. Yeah. It's it also they like snuck it into the article. But it apparently they were being like loud and like annoying people. Yeah. And he commented on it. And then it started like. Right.

They leave that part out. Yeah. Comedy. Comedy bloggers. Comedy articles only exist to shit on comedy. They're not giving you a real version of it. Yeah. exist to shit on comedy they're not giving you a real version of it yeah so it's like if jordan went 15 of 18 for 32 points and you're like just focusing on these three shots that you missed yeah

it's like that's not the story yeah john mulaney's or well chapelle went up and people were mad like no 99 of people were super stoked yeah that's the story everyone had a good time at rich voss's joke yeah yeah that's the story please take me to a show where Chappelle gets on and everyone's mad that he's there. Yeah, they don't even know any better. It's like, his show should be canceled. His club should be shut down. Like what's the club have to do with it?

The people are just assholes. Yeah. That's a good, what? We all know this by now. So it's like, it keeps coming up. It's like, forget it, forget you. It's the same people I think that we talked about in the Ubers. You know?

Yeah. It's those people. Those dumb fucking sons. Yeah. Yeah. Causing issues. We all know who they are. Oh, that was one of the greatest white woman videos of all time is outside of Helium.

Which one? That woman. Remember there was a woman bitching about the show and she was hammered and she was like a newscaster in Philly. It's all. that's right. I remember that. I remember that. It's always drunk women.

Did she get punched in the face by another woman? Great, she handled it for us. Yes, yes. That's like Heathcliff, the cat's girlfriend would always, he was like, I can't fight a girl. And then she would come in and just fucking alley cat at other girls. I'm like, good.

Deep reference. We used to have a couple girls that like that. Like a couple bruisers that you would do the fight. I feel like Kylo will get your back. Yeah, let me take care of this. It is.

It's like that thing in Game of Thrones where you can have like a knight fight for you. Uh-huh. Protect my honor. You know, Samantha.

It's a battle to the death but someone else can step up for you. It's like fantasy football. You got to have one white trash bruiser in your squad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take care of this fucking Applebee's waitress. She's being out of line. You need that for, what's it called, where you just skate in a circle? You have a big fat chick rolling around.

Rolling around. Rolling around. Yeah, that's hot. That's up there in the fucking lesbian bruiser squad. Yeah. Tommy, just get on stage. I've always been very-

I will. Tomorrow, just go over your set. Are You Garbage wants to have them on June 10th. Yeah, they do. Yeah. Fucking dickheads. Say yes. Say yes to it.

Yeah, I'll do it. I hope this is in the comments. Say yes to the mess. What the fuck? He's not doing his show? That pussy should be there. All right. Yo, thank you, dude. If you want to stick around. What the fuck? He's not doing his show? That pussy should be there. All right. Yo, thank you, dude.

Let's jump over to Patreon. If you want to stick around. Yeah, my best.