Stuff Island - Stuff Island #31 - nuclear option w/ Chris DiStefano

Episode Date: June 8, 2022

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You like to hang out in the house. What? You like to hang out. I usually, this seat or that seat, I think. So at one point it was you, Tommy, and Shane. Yeah. So where's the third bedroom? I was in like a railroad room in there.

So Shane was in a room at the front of the house. I was in a railroad room and Tommy was in here. So it's better he's gone. Oh yeah. Who does he live upstairs with? His lady. Oh, okay. She don't want to move in here? Well, she

lives here for a little while. She lives here for like a month or two. I feel like all four of us shacking up together. How many years have you been living here? Two. And Tommy's been here forever. Tommy's been here for 20 years, yeah. No, seriously? How many years have you lived here? You've lived in this apartment

for 20 years? No. Is it eight or is it ten it's five i think it's at least a decade i don't respect people that go it's my 14th anniversary of stand-up i'm marking calendars when i move states i don't fucking know this is the first time I've ever heard you say eight. It's around eight. 2013, it's probably nine. Nine or ten. You mean anniversaries of people's apartments?

Anything. Just not a date guy. I don't remember shit. I know. I gotta get better at it. Yeah, I get it. My kids' birthdays is is big but other than that i yeah my birthday i don't care also an apartment it's like you know who cares i'm not proud of this yeah yeah i'm proud of it you're like oh yeah i'm fucking 80 i live in an apartment for 30 years yeah fuck you dude as soon as you get a new apartment after like the second or third

month you're like i can't wait till i'm not hearing you know what though dude you know what there's something about having an apartment that you almost have like um what is it like that stockholm syndrome you know because i got a whole family now so i had to get a house i had no choice my family wouldn't fit an apartment but then i've now i i have a house but then and i was doing my podcast from my house just like this beautiful setup great and i was like you know what i want to rent an apartment to do my podcast out of just which is a stump my account was like it couldn't be a worse financial decision that you're making i was like i just need an apartment it's an emotional you can't be funny like i'm not funny in my house no i could be funny in an apartment the walls are closing in literally

yes no then i'm like yeah now i suck yeah it's it's like trying to write like i try to write a script or something in like a coffee shop and just the idea that someone would glance at any of the words that I'm writing, I would, fuck that. I can't do it. It's like fucking next to a neighbor with paper thin walls.

Dude. I'm afraid that Shane or somebody else will hear a terrible joke and they're like, what the fuck is going on? Dude, I'd be afraid that Shane is going to fall through the ceiling. Fucking piece of tubby shit. There's no tubs.

Shane's getting lean. He'll always be fat as fuck. The Puerto Ricans call his toes, have chicharrones. So do I, though. I know what it is. But you know what the good news is about Shane? He's one of those things, he's one of those guys

where he'll get skinny and then it just really, for him, it just takes a week of bad eating and he's right back to 280. He'll get of those things. He's one of those guys where he'll get skinny, and then it just really, for him, it just takes a week of bad eating, and he's right back to 280. Yeah, yeah. He'll get it right back. But his meat has moved into dense muscle. The boy has got – you ever see his calves? It's like a –

He's a big boy. Shane's one of those guys even like – even when he was like at whatever his heaviest was, I'd be like, I don't want to get hit by that guy. No. I don't want to get hit by that. You No. I don't want to get hit by that. You know if you get in a situation, it's like moving a fridge alone. It's like, I can't fuck with this guy right now.

There's just some guys you don't want to fight. Like, you know, it's not about being muscular or ripped. Like, Shane's just a guy who'll hurt you. Yeah. Like, if he wasn't doing comedy, he'd be a bouncer or something like that. He couldn't be a bouncer. He would destroy you in a fight, but he'd cry the whole time. He would not fuck you.

He's emotional, huh? He would not be a bouncer. He would destroy you in a fight, but he'd cry the whole time. He would not fight. He's emotional, huh? He would not be a bouncer. He'd scream, cry, and destroy you. He'd be a professional pallbearer. That's a good one. He'd just be a guy who walks around holding caskets up. But he would be the guy, like, he can lift up the casket, even if the other guys don't show up.

He'll just carry a gram over your head like the ultimate warrior. I never have to worry about that. No. I'm always too low. Oh, man. I'm too low. You're going to have toddlers carry your casket your head like the ultimate warrior. Do you never have to worry about that? No. I'm always too low. Oh man. I'm too low. You're gonna have toddlers carry your casket. Just put it on my shoulder.

You're gonna have five-year-olds doing that fucking African dance. I'm gonna carry you in a fucking suitcase. Dude, just put a handle from your collar to your ass. Yeah. Just wheel you around like a carry-on. Do you have any after, do you wanna have a funeral? Or do you wanna just get fucking-

Do I wanna have a funeral? That's a good to just get fucking. Do I want to have a funeral? That's a good. No, I think I'd rather be cremated. Just because I know for a fact, like, especially if I die soon, like, I don't want it. My boys would like, you know, fun. Like, you know, they take a picture of me like a Snapchat filter with the dog ears. Like, they would abuse me a little bit in the casket. So, I'd rather just be like, yo, burn my body right now.

And my boys can literally do, they can't use this to their advantage. Because the thing is with my boys, if I died, if any of us died, the jokes would carry on in death. You know what I mean? Like the group chat, you would still be called like a homo in the group chat, even though you're dead. Like they'd be like, what are you sucking cock

in the afterlife? I'd be like, yeah, I am. I got Ben Franklin's cock right in my mouth, sucking that American cock. I feel like a cool death, like after you die, just if your buddies had to just tie cinder blocks to your feet and just throw you overboard in the middle of the ocean. Oh, yeah. You want like a sailor's death. Well, it's more of like a mob death, but I'm already dead.

Is that what you call mob? Yeah. No, no. There's no group of fucking sailors over here. No, don't sailors, when they die, they get buried at sea? Yeah, but I think they just get shoved off in a bag. Dude, it'd be fun. Yeah, dude, I want somebody to hang me off the Verrazano Bridge.

I'll stand high like, just hang my carcasses right here. There should be a department that navigates fucked up death requests. You can choose the way it is. If you're already dead and there's like, there's no foul play, they're like, oh, how did he want to die? As long as you're not fucking up the water supply and your guts and loins aren't going into the drinking water,

have fun with it. It's like a version of a Viking funeral a little bit. Where they throw the fucking spear into the wood. You got on a raft and they shoot a slag spear. And then they light your thing on fire. Dude, the Viking, you've seen that movie, The Northman? Not yet. Dude, you saw it? Yes. Did you like it? I loved it. Dude, and experienced it. And then they liked your thing on fire. Yeah. Dude, the Vikings, you've seen that movie, The Northmen? Not yet. Dude, you saw it? Yes.

Did you like it? I loved it. Dude, I loved it. I loved that movie because, dude, Vikings were so... I know. Do you know how sophisticated their culture was? Do you know the history of the Vikings?

I know. Dude, their culture was like, oh, they look like barbarians, and they were, but, dude, they had schools. They would do their hair. They had hairstyles. Matt, they had like schools. They would do their hair. They had like hairstyles. Dude, biological warfare.

And that is important. That's important. You want to start a civilization? Start with the fucking wings. It is the first step. You got to have a nice head of lettuce to start a nice civilization. They were the first freaking terrorists too. They were the first ones to figure out biological warfare.

They would get infected rats like in their colony or whatever. They would get infected rats. And a lot of people would just kill them or throw them away but they wouldn't do that they would get the all the infected rats and they would put them in cages and then when they were going to like a castle or like another land they would light their tails on fire and then shoot the infected rats into the town and they would scurry around and bite people and then they'd wait it out for three weeks because everybody was dying or sick of disease. And then they'd go in and just kill these fucking emaciated, sick soldiers.

Yeah, you can't take over that much shit without being pretty smart. You know what I mean? Dude, that's what Hitler did. No, I swear to God, Hitler, he was the only general in the war, World War II, that wouldn't let his soldiers have sex with prostitutes.

There was no prostitution allowed in Nazi Germany or any of the Nazis because... Syphilis? Dude, yeah, any STD. Like the French? The French had the best army by far. They fucked themselves to death? Dude, they literally...

They got steamrolled by the Germans in like six months because half their army was ravaged with STDs and they couldn't fight. Yeah. And they were just mesmerized by pussy and they were dripping cocks so the nazis came in there on crystal meth and just stomped them out the french also have huge egos because long ago they used to be good at shit and so they constantly get fucked up they've gotten fucked up a couple times by germany just because they were cocky as fuck. They were like, we can't be defeated. Nobody cares about France anymore. Dude.

I don't even care. That's like the one thing I've never heard my dad... He's going to... Burke's going tomorrow. Are you going tomorrow to France? Dude, just go to

a Pret-a-Manger. It's the same shit. Dude, go to France and fuck yourself to death. Are you really going to France tomorrow? Friday. My wife's French.

Oh, your wife's French? Oh, my God. Just ripping French. That's the only... Like from France? Yeah. Oh, my God. French. Oh, your wife's French? Oh my God. Just ripping French. That's the only- Like from France? Yeah. Oh my God.

And she lives in America though. She's a New Yorker. Wow. You don't meet many French people in Japan. She came here because she loves apartments. She's like, you know what I mean? That's what it is. A repartement.

Less towers of the Eiffel type. Yeah, that's Spanish. Italian. Yeah, yeah. Spanish. Oh, it's an apartment. The Juliet balcony. It's like, you ever see those Juliet balconies? They're like,

it's like this much space. It's one step out. The balcony. He's like, no, dude. I can't kill myself off that. You put a grate in front of a window. Yeah, it's stupid.

It's an air conditioner vent. It really is important to take care of your hair as a culture. Yeah. You're one of the only guys, Tommy, that I like,

that I actually like that shows off his ankles. Yeah, thanks, pal. You're one of those guys like you got rolled that I like, that I actually like that shows off his ankles. Yeah, thanks, pal. You're one of those guys, like, you got rolled up jeans. And normally, nine times out of ten, you see a guy with his fucking ankles out, but he's wearing pants. You're like, this guy sucks.

You know what this is? But this guy's cool. You know what this, thank you. You know what this is? We'll see how the rest of this goes. Shut up, Chris. He's complimenting me, and you're fucking ruining it. They're high waters, dude.

You know when your dad smokes in the car, and you crack a window and he's okay well this is just a cracked window for all my heat getting out leveling out my temperature yeah yeah i like it dude yeah are you afraid to do this yeah i can't do that but because i think i grew up in a neighborhood where like me too though i know what you're gonna say no you get bombarded with fucking you're gay you're fucking you're something yeah but i think the difference must be that you know you're not gay yeah i'm not sure i'm not so that's why i would never do because i'm like i'm scared if i cuff those babies and i liked it

and i got attention yeah i'd like this is who i because i do feel very incomplete and i try to figure that out a lot. I'm like, is it my relationship at home? Is it career? Is it sexual? I don't know what it is, dude. But I'm afraid that if I cuff my jeans like that, I'll start sucking cock in Paris with Birkin as well.

I know. Well, that's why it works for him, because the rest of his identity fits it. Like, if you saw my ankles, you'd be like, what are you doing? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And if any woman saw me with my ankles exposed and jeans rolled up, they'd be like, what

the fuck? You're like one of those guys, like I assume like that you want to dress like that, but you can't because you have psoriasis on your ankles. Because you don't want to show people. That's what I think. No, he got bit by one of those fucking rats. So he just has clumps of just red blisters on his ankles that he wants to protect. That's why you wear long-sleeved shirts on the beach.

All that's on the inside. It's my personality that has psoriasis. I got good skin. There is nothing. The whole goal, I think, from adolescence all the way to your late 30s, is figuring out exactly how you should dress according to who you are you know what i mean like and finding those blending like what you wish you could dress like and what your like level is you know what i mean what you can get away with visually yeah it takes decades because if you grow up in a

neighborhood like you did or i did like you just get constantly getting your tits ripped for for wearing something you think looks good on you yeah dude i have a shirt that has flowers on it's amazing i couldn't i couldn't walk down my block 100 i wouldn't in 2007 right because i'd be like i'm gonna get abused but now i i just don't care this is i've run out of the energy to care i'm too tired to care what you think of me anymore i just something happened like over the last couple of years, maybe it was the pandemic. I don't know. But I'm like, dude, I don't care at all what you think of what I'm wearing,

what I look like, my comment. I don't care at all. I'm just waiting to die. Yeah. This is why old Italian men figure it out and they start wearing five inch shorts with their nuts hanging out. Who cares? They got a fanny bag.

They've been wearing long socks for so long. They got no hair from their calves all the way down. They don't give a fuck. And when you stop giving a fuck about certain things like that, you get real comfortable in uncomfortable shit and uncomfortable settings. But see, that's a different direction. Not giving a fuck and being slovenly is one direction. Not giving a fuck and starting to make some creative outfit choices is a whole different you know what i mean when you're like fuck it i'm wearing like hot pink

and purple i don't give a fuck yeah yeah i tried to do that over the pandemic i got it like a nike hoodie that had like like uh purple sleeves yeah purple sleeves and was like half pink and it was i loved it and uh then i wore it once on stage and i bombed and i was like half pink and it was, I loved it. And then I wore it once on stage and I bombed and I was like, I put it, lit it on fire. That's the thing. That's the whole thing. You can't, don't let your outfit be funnier than you. Well, it does get in your head going like this wasn't right.

I knew it wasn't right. And now it's all I'm thinking about. It's not right. Well, I went through a phase where I would just, I bought, I went out and bought all these batting practice jerseys from like every team except the red sox the yankees fan but every team i had a dykstra phillies i had you know craig biggio houston after that like sequins and i would wear them all the time and then i realized like i would go on stage i'm like never do well with that jersey on with whatever jersey on because

i'm from new york i'm talking about new york but like you know i'd be wearing like a cincinnati reds johnny bentz jersey like why is this guy'm talking about New York, but like, you know, I'd be wearing like a Cincinnati Reds, Johnny Bench jersey, like, why is this guy not talking about Cincinnati? Or like, they would just, or I'd come on stage, they'd be like, fuck the Reds, go Pirates. And I'm like, I didn't even want to talk about that. But then it's just like, I realized like, I gotta stop wearing the jerseys.

Yeah, you have to. And it is a thing where you're like, I want my clothes to say as little about me as possible. Yeah, dude. Yeah, but that also- You kinda can't help it though, I guess. That also is, that's a problem. a thing where you're like i want my clothes to say as little about me as possible yeah dude yeah but that also can't help it though i guess that also is that's a problem for stage just even more so than in life where like you have to dumb it down to such an extent that guys will worry about you their girlfriends being attracted to you while you're on stage, if you dress too much or show too much, right? Let's say you're like muscly or something.

Or if you dress a little fashionably, guys are like, well, fuck this dude. Yep. I don't want to like him. If you're too good looking, you're like, it can't be funny. There's no shot at being funny. Yeah. Whereas women can wear like scantily clothes and be like, and they still get away with it.

Yeah, I feel like that's the thing is everyone talks about, at least in comedy, is like, you know, like how hard it is for women. It's like, yo, it's hard for guys too. What happens, you know how many times like you're in the club or whatever and you're making fun of somebody or doing something and then like you just got to deal with the energy

of just some jealous boyfriend that you're making their girlfriend laugh. And then it's like, that's palpable too. Yeah. It's like, you know what? Fuck you. Yes. That's why I'm saying fuck women.

Yes. You gotta fuck women. Johnny Depp won today. It's a big win. Did he win? Big win for the men. So wait, so what does that mean

that he won? Nobody knows in this room. Nobody knows yet. We have no idea. She's gotta feel pretty bad, Amber Heard. Yes. The exposure of her behaviors

is the worst thing that could have happened even if she won she lost because i get because at first i was like why is johnny depp even doing this like why why put your kids names why do this but then i realized like oh what he's trying to do is be like hey you know sometimes women make shit up yeah and i have to prove that to you legally yeah so i was like because i was like oh that's what because at first i was like dude just stop stop don't do this like this is cringe but then you legally. So I was like, because I was like, oh, that's what, because at first I was like, dude, just stop. Stop, don't do this.

Like, this is cringe. Then as the trial went on, I was like, oh, no, no, no. He's being like exploited by like a crazy woman that he needs to be like, no, no, no. This lady's nuts. Yeah, I got drunk and did coke and whatever, but I'm Johnny Depp. What do you want me to do?

You know, I'm Jack Sparrow. And he knew exactly how to play that courtroom yeah i think he was brilliant in the courtroom i thought he was gonna lose i was certain he was gonna lose no because i figured i figured like look you got to know you're gonna lose going into this it feels like a hard thing to prove right and but you film the whole thing she looks like a fucking psycho yeah right still get your life back you get like your career back even if you don't win the judgment i've heard so many horror stories of people going like this is going to cost you 300 000 as a normal

person yeah it's going to cost you 300 000 in court fees i know she's lying i know she's a maniac i've like three or four examples of personal people that have gone through something with a woman claiming this claiming that either to get out of a work uh firing i'm going to sue for defamation whatever the fuck it is yeah and the lawyer will say listen i'm telling you right now if you just give her 150 000 out of court you'll save yourself an additional 150 000 there's no way you could fight this so it takes an exorbitant amount of money to fight something like that. But there's some maniacs like, yeah, he did all this shit.

Yeah. So in that case, yeah, he's kind of a hero. But how many people can do that? No, yeah. I bet you it cost him in the millions. Oh, 100%. Johnny Depp with his lawyer fees. Yeah.

But I think the thing is too, once she shit in the bed, once the shit in the bed stuff came out, I think even my girl was like, oh yeah, this lady's crazy. And now it's like, because now she's like, who would hire her in Hollywood?

No, she's not. Like never. Johnny Depp will probably get in a movie. He's going to have a hard time. You think, Johnny Depp? I think he'll have a hard time through certain avenues. You think Johnny Depp starts a Patreon?

Actually, we reached out. He's coming on in October. Oh, wow. He's coming here. He's not my cooking for him, but I'm going to talk to him. You got to get some purple for him. Who are these people? What do you mean, the artists?

The artists, yeah. I know you can't see it on camera, but who are these people? This is... Whose art is this? I bought a bunch of this is this oh this is your art yeah yeah uh that yeah that's sarat up there there's monet van gogh you're a big artist i'm not i'm not uh that's louis ck he blacked out is that actually louis ck yeah wow and then somebody just painted him? Yeah.

Someone painted them, sent them in. Wow. That's Duchamp. That's Cezanne. That's also- What got you into art and classical art? Alcoholism? You know what? I was like, I just, there was a period somewhere over the Trump administration where I realized

that I was like, why am I looking at politics? It makes me unhappy. I'm not going to do a single thing about it. Right. I'm just going to get mad and prepare for arguments. Right. You know what I mean? Right.

So I was like, this is toxic and stupid. Right. I could be using all of this YouTube time for something constructive. So I just started watching like art documentaries. Okay. Yeah. And then I was so much happier. And I happier and i was like you know i should just get into art i might actually use that i'll watch weird art films right i'll look at weird art paintings dude yes yeah the best no this question the one with the head on the shores the best one about this fucking animal is yeah he's right this is a this is a very interesting

time in his life but it was also how depressed he was and every piece of art that's on this wall was lodged in his small railroad room if i show you the size of the room it's a broom closet these things were touching wall to wall and he said to me he goes i don't even look at him i've never seen him before so what he's telling you is like, I just, I'm tired of looking at news and politics. And he would crawl out of his bed, which takes up half the room. And then not even raise his eyes from his fucking toenails. And then crawl out here in misery. And it wasn't until we just decided we were going to do a podcast out here.

He's like, look, let's take the art out here. Dude, it's just so funny because it's like you got into art, but it's like art you bought at like Kinko's or something, you know what I mean? It's like home goods art, but it's still art. But dude, honestly, and it's crazy. It's crazy how like where people's brains go, where you're like, you know what? It opened up art for me.

Now I love art. I mean, dude, I dig it. Chicks probably like this. It's like if, like a pack of drunk ants. Or they don't like the art you got from Best Buy. It's like a bunch of drunk ants

at like a Tupperware party just threw darts at like, fucking boredom. Like, I guess we'll take them on now. No, I put a lot, I put a decent amount

of thought into this. I love it, Chris. I think it's really saying like all. No, I put a lot. I put a decent amount of thought into this. I love it, Chris. Yeah. I think it's really- That one I got shipped from Amsterdam. Really? Yeah. Nice. The small one or the big one?

The small one. The frame. What does something like that cost, roughly? That was like, I think it was like 300 bucks, 400 bucks. But it makes you happy. It does make me happy. Well, they say all the billionaires, like the big, really wealthy people, they're all buying art.

That's what Elon Musk and Bill Gates, they're all all investing in art it's got to be money laundering yeah that i think it's because it's like all perceived value too it's like also what does value mean to someone of that stature and and financial control like who gives a fuck about a a five million dollar painting when you have 300 billion billion. Steve Cohen, the owner of the Mets, he had like a very famous painting that he wanted to buy. I think from the guy that owns the Wynn Hotel, Steve Wynn or something like that. And they had like, I think it was like, it was like $100 million piece of art. And it's like a story like on the internet. They were at a party, like it came there to buy the art.

Steve Wynn came to Steve Cohen's house to buy the art. And like Oprah was at the party and all these people and they got hammered and accidentally steve winn put his elbow through the hundred million dollar piece of art just fucking got drunk and put a hole in this painter's in this painting's fucking head dude see this is how rich people are they don't they're hanging these these billion dollar paintings at the level of a calendar like an advent calendar that has chocolate they should be elbow right dude steve cohen was gonna buy it for 100 million that night obviously win puts his elbow through can't buy it dude win restores it steve win restores the painting for like another

100 million and then steve cohen bought that piece of art for 250 million. So he bought it for 50 more million dollars because they just. Oh my fucking God. Time had went by and the way it was restored. Then something in this world. It's not even available to us. This is why you say fuck the Yankees. Yes.

Over and over and over again. Fuck the Yankees. Yes. Over and over and over again. Fuck the Yankees. I think he's a Mets owner, yeah. Oh, okay. Fuck the Mets. He calls them Mets. Yeah. I mean, no, but that should be the, if they make an Indiana Jones reboot, that's what

it should be, is him breaking into like Bezos' house and fucking those dudes up. Yes. And taking those paintings. Dude. And being like, it belongs in a museum. Harrison Ford. Harrison Ford's been on one lately. He's on that edge taking a step into crazy town.

Do you think he's going to tweet the N-word or something? He's close, man. He's close to getting fucking wild. Harrison Ford, the last five years. I could see him blasting the N-word in a Starbucks for no goddamn reason. I don't know. I think he's a bit of a hippie.

He's got like an earring. He's got an earring because he doesn't know what the fuck he wants to do for the last decade of his life. Dude, he's been famous for so long. Yeah. Like, I think that's,

I think it's too long. Yeah. Like, you should retire from it like an athlete. I don't want to know what Michael Jordan's up to anymore. Yeah. You know, like,

I don't want to see that. And now it's like, and now it's like, sometimes these actors, it's like, you know, De Niro, like, it's just too long. Yeah. Like, you've got to at some point just exit gracefully. actors, it's like, you know, De Niro, like, it's just too long. Like, you've got to at some point just exit gracefully.

Like, that's why I love the way, like, Barry Sanders did it. He just, like, retired one day. He just one day was like, I'm retiring. They were like, what? Yeah. He was like, yeah, I'm out of here, baby. What was he, like, 28? Killed it.

30 or something like that? All you ever do is talk about how great Barry Sanders was because he didn't have any decline. Yeah. But I think the thing is that people just keep asking those people to do stuff you know what i mean they're just like it's like cameo you know somebody told me can you just get you show up deniro and i know a guy who lived who owns buildings in little italy so connected guy right he said that deniro he's a pirate would you call him sailor he's a sailor he's a sailor he's a sailor he told me that deniro borrowed so much money from the mob to finance movies and then never paid back the vig on the

money that he's still to this day if he goes into certain places in little italy he's got to be like really careful because there's still like 89 year old monsters that would like love to fucking take him out really yeah dude it's like a i wow. And I heard that from multiple people. I was like, that's nuts. Imagine De Niro getting shot in the head. I mean, I love him, but it'd be really funny. Like, I found the sparks the way fucking what's-his-face was.

Oh, Paul Castellano. Paul Castellano, yeah. I feel like if I saw Robert De Niro get shot in the head on Mulberry Street, I would think it was part of a movie. And I'd be like, I'd start Instagram live and be like, I'm in whatever De Niro's in. He's just bleeding out. What the hell happened? You didn't pay the VIG on Meet the Parents. of a movie and i'd be like i started instagram living be like i'm in whatever the year is just

bleeding out what the hell you didn't pay the vig on meet the parents yeah unanalyze this dude yeah man it's uh yeah well that's a fucking crazy light that's probably uh yeah these are that run this joint that's why hence the marble yeah Yeah. This floor hasn't been changed in 50 years, 40 years. Yeah. It's one of these. This is one of these apartments where I just feels like there's good food in here. There's good vibes. There is good food.

I'm going to cook your food in fucking 20 minutes. Yeah. There's a lot of that. What do you got? Crab cakes? I'm making you crab cakes. Last time I had a crab cake, Charleston, South Carolina. Ate a crab cake.

Had a great time. Shit yourself up everywhere. All over the bedroom. You said yes. I sent you a text message saying, do you want a crab cake charleston south carolina ate a crab cake had a great time shit yourself up everywhere all over the bedroom you said yes i sent you a text message saying you want a crab cake you went yes i felt like i felt like the last few times you tried to do this i've had something come up i couldn't do it i'm late i'm like dude i gotta say yes to something so i was like let's just do crab cakes even though i'm gonna vomit on you in the car shut up i gotta do it dude i gotta do it but i don't have anything else something must have been wrong with those crab i'll eat the crab no i'll do it for the bit i'll eat the crab if you want to see me throw up on top you go to patreon.com

actually please yeah wait you're not allergic to shellfish right oh yeah no it just went bad it was i think it i don't even think it was actually the crab cake in Charleston. I think it was the coleslaw. I think it was the coleslaw that I put in the crab cake. I'd blame it on the crab. I got no respect

for Southern crabs. Really? Yeah. What, Maryland and down? Maryland, I can still consider Northeast Corridor. It's not. But it's Southern.

You ever been to Maryland? Yeah. Have you ever been to Maryland? Yeah, I've been there. It's not. It's southern. You ever been to Maryland? Yeah. Have you ever been to Maryland? Yeah, I've been there. It's above DC. It is southern. Maryland is southern. You would consider Maryland the south.

I don't think so. That's northeast. That's northeast. That's so on the cusp. They're a union. They were a union. What I'm trying to say is not literally, but like the people, the community, they're very southern mentality.

The crabs are northern. The crabs are part of the union. I love it. What I'm trying to say is not literally, but like the people, the community, they're very Southern mentality. The crabs are Northern. Crabs are part of the union. I don't like a New Orleans crab. Well, the people are racist, the crabs aren't. Is that what you're saying?

The crabs like black people. Yeah. Black people like crabs. Dude, my daughter, my youngest daughter, her birthday's June 24thth so she's a cancer and her signs are crab i was like because i was like i want to get tattoos of my kids i was like of their signs and then i was talking to tattoo artists you're like oh when's the other one's because delilah is a taurus so that's a bull so that's pretty cool and then just imagine getting

a fucking crab yeah tattooed on you that would suck you gotta hide it in like a like a rose or some yeah i want to change your birthday. I don't know for sure, but I think the stars that make the crab in the sky are actually pretty sick. Really? Yeah. Is that,

did you learn it on one of your paintings? Yeah, I think I, that was part of my YouTube. Dude, you know what? Those stars in the sky that make up any sign don't look anything like the image.

What do you mean? Like if you, I have an app. No, no, no, I know, but like sometimes like, sometimes you mean like if you i have an app no no i know but like sometimes like uh sometimes it's like uh you know like a regular star and sometimes it's like a fucking nebula or something it's like something exploding or some shit it's cool what are stars again they're light that died like a hundred million years ago or something sometimes yeah i don't even doesn't even make sense our sun sun is a star. It dies so distant. When a star dies, the light years that it takes to get to us,

it's still radiant. Yeah. Yeah, but my question is, is like when, well, so some of these stars got to like, doesn't the light run out? They'll eventually run out. Yeah, but some of these stars

in like Orion's belt or whatever, they've been hundreds of years. Yeah. It's that far away? Hundreds of years. Yeah, yeah. My God, thousands of years? Don't even, dude, if you watch like one of those short

montages of like the size of stars stars yeah and the the capacity of of energy that some of these fucking things have you start like really getting nuts about like how none of this fucking matters it doesn't matter at all it doesn't make any sense get into vr at all no no there's a great there's a great thing you can do like a spacewalk thing in vr and they just like start like showing you how big certain stars are it's fucking yes insane like how how how small even our sun is they start with our sun and they just like start scaling and you're like yeah it's like the biggest oh my god and then i saw something that the universe we it's actually ever expanding, and we can only see the edge of the universe up to what our tools allow us to see because the light escapes

us. And then there's more out there, but we can't, we don't, even our top-notch computer can't see it yet. It's endless. Dude, why? It's endless. I don't know. I think they do see some type of, like, there's some type of radiation just in the atmosphere

that they are like aging. Yeah, I was watching something on YouTube the other day and they were just saying like, literally, you can't, we have to design new tools if we want to see the true end of the universe. Yeah, yeah. I was like, wow.

Well, they also think there's multiple universes. Yeah, like those multiverses. Yeah, because they like, they'll do a thing where they like, there's a weird particle experiment where they'll shoot just, like, one atom through, like, a little filter, and it forms, like, a wave pattern. Like, you know when two big waves can cancel each other out,

like a bottom of the wave or the top of the wave, if they hit at the same time, they'll just, like, be flat? Right. Well, that will happen with particles, too. And too and they're like well something's interfering with it it must be particles in other universes and then if they like measure the particle before it goes through this slit there'll be no interference wave yeah so another so they're probably it so there's in another multiverse we're all here we're just sitting on different sides. Yeah, yeah. It's infinite different possibilities. Yeah.

Wow. Halfway through trying to understand this concept, you're going to hear a girlfriend yell from the other room going, are you going to clean up the bed? Are you ever going to make the bed in the morning? So like why even try and understand all this nonsense? We're going, I got 10, 15 years. In the YouTube video where I watch the guy talk about this,

I've watched these, like, some Cambridge physicists. They go to his apartment, and there's shit just everywhere. Yeah. And the guy's like, it's kind of, like, messy in here. You ever, like, think about cleaning this up? He's like, no, I know where everything is. And then they go to his office at Cambridge, and he's like, this know where everything is and then they go to his

office at cambridge and he's like this is the first time i've ever been in here really yeah i'd never go these guys are insane like you know when you listen to them i'm like they i wonder if that's on purpose though whether we need to make this so complicated that nobody will understand but what i do know is that again how how the rich people are buying up a bunch of art. They're also buying every worldwide. All these rich people are buying land in the desert, like in high desert plains. They're all buying land there. And they all started out of nowhere, like collectively, like five years ago, just started buying desert.

Yeah, that's a red flag. And some people think like it's because polar ice caps melting, global warming, all that. Because like they're saying like i didn't realize this they were saying like if if somebody threw a nuke or something happened with the polish which can happen at any moment like the whole state of florida for example would be underwater in like a month like it's not like oh it's going to take 100 years like no no dude it's going to take a few minutes and then you're done so these people are because they all have hell they all have helipads these mansion mansions uh underwater underground bunkers helipads in the middle of the desert all over the world so like what what do they what do you guys

know and when you ask them like no no we just want the land it's nice yeah peace we're meditating yeah we're doing ayahuasca yeah but it all bullshit. This is why we got to group all the poor people like ourselves in comparison. Yeah. And we become Viking-like. We build a ship. Yeah. We get these fucking New York rats. We fuck them.

Give them STDs. Yep. Like their tails. Throw them in the desert. That's what we do. I'm excited to see what we do to fix it. Fix what? Like just, I don't know.

Yeah. You won't be around to see any of that fix. Who knows? You're talking 30 years. In 30 years, you think it's gonna be a fix for global warming? No, you don't know how long I could live to 400. Oh, you think the medicine's gonna come around in 30 years? You think you could get microchipped?

Do you think we're living in the time where you could get it? I think that if you can get me to like 150, then you can get me to 300 for sure. You bought me an extra 70 years. Who's putting you to 150 though? You put people that are important to 150. Somebody's like, we got the fucking gel to get a human to 150. Where is Chris O'Connor?

I'm digging in one direction. I'm trying to get enough money to meet up with the person who's working on that we got a guy we got a guy that can't lift up the toilet seat but i think he's got a future item if you can keep him around for three times a lifespan i would i'd be i i'm pretty positive 100 literally you don't want that i think one of the requirements for being in this program where you live to 150, one of the requirements probably has to be you've never even attempted a podcast.

If you've attempted a podcast, you're out. Then you're done. It doesn't, even Rogan, you're out. If you've podcast at all, you are less than and we don't want you guys to keep going. If you've made a dollar talking about what we've talked about the past, get the fuck out of here.

Because like Elon Musk, if you think about how smart Elon Musk is, even the most intelligent podcast, you think he must look at us like baboons. Like he's like

looking at us like, what are the words? What are they using? Like how like we'd look at an ape trying to, you know, put the banana like it was stupid fuck.

Yeah. I think that's what Elon Musk must think when we're like, hey, like if you said that to Elon Musk with the waves, he would probably just be like, you're retarded. No, he'd explain it better.

I think he's into it. You think he's not? I also don't think he'd be any good at podcasting. He's a robot. Well, he's not. When he's a guest, he's not good. He's a robot who's impregnated a vampire like three times. Didn't he bang Amber Heard?

Yeah. He was with her for a while. Amber Heard got him to pay the ACLU the money she was supposed to pay them from the Johnny Depp divorce. Wow. Okay. Instead of taking the money that Johnny Depp paid her, which she said she was going to give to the ACLU and give it to the ACLU, she started dating Elon Musk and was like, hey, can you give the ACLU like $500,000? And he was like, done.

Yeah. Has Matt just shit in my bag? Yes. Shit in my Tesla. Why don't we start questioning how great her pussy is? It's got to be insane. The fact that she's infiltrating all of these

billionaires. Who do you think she fucks next, Amber Heard? God, please be Pete Davidson. I think the way I see this, it's like when a guy loses his shit publicly, he ends up with another hot woman that is beyond his caliber of professionalism, intellectuality, all the things. She's just a higher class. And you wonder, like, why is she fucking this dude? Because that dude showed

something that was so manic rather. It's like, he's probably got a great dick. He probably fucks like a machine that I can't handle. Listen, I'm sure we'd all agree. If we were all single, whatever, and had the opportunity to hook up with Amber Heard, we all would. I would not. I would bang Amber bang amber heard i would get into a relationship with

amber why not i'd also go i'd go splitskies on the applebee's bill and that would fuck her up yeah yeah yeah i'd go to bed in a hazmat suit you know i'd put a mask on just in case she has a shit i'd be sleeping on new yorkers like is this a good apartment for our baby? That's gotta be so embarrassing for Amber Heard, who's like a hot, you know, relatively hot woman to just in court, just be like, did you defecate in bed? And she's just like, mm-hmm. Did she admit to it? She tried to blame it on the dog.

Oh, did she not admit to it? She tried to blame it on the dog. Oh yeah, she never admitted. But they knew, they like ran samples like, this is clearly human shit. Did they DNA it, her shit? Did the dog eat esccargot last night? I don't know.

It's just like the dog had a crime game. Yeah. Did they do a DNA test? I don't think so. I think she was like, it was the dog. And then I think one of the security guards was like, it was human shit. Oh, really?

Yeah. The security guard had to clean it up? Yeah, I think so. What a bitch. Yeah. What a fucking scumbag. No, but she's out there looking for marks. I mean, you take down Johnny Depp. This is a drunk rich guy. Who's next?

Elon Musk. This is a rich guy who's like autistic and wants to be famous. She had to lose money too when I heard. Unless Elon Musk secretly paid for her bills. You know, she must have lost millions of dollars in legal fees. I think Elon Musk paid for everything. Elon Musk paid for her lawyers?

No, no, no, no. Wait, Elon Musk is still dating Amber Heard? No, no, no, no. He's with fucking, what's her name? Oh, the numbers, right? XC7. Yeah. He's with the girl who like identifies his numbers.

The vampire chick. He's with like a Swedish DJ kind of chick. It's all nuts. Yeah. Buy property in the desert. If you get enough money, get some art, I guess. I know. Otherwise, let's fucking wait till the stardust settles.

Just fucking kill yourself. But he wants to be like cool LA famous, not just like Bill Gates famous. Elon Musk wants to be. Yeah, yeah. He wants to be like a hip, cool guy. Yeah, Musk wants to be. Yeah, yeah. He wants to be like a hip, cool guy. Yeah, he wants to be. You should, just like Amber Heard got her,

which is why- She showed her ass in court. Elon Musk should have to do like regular day-to-day things that make a guy cool. You know what I mean? Like throw a football at him. She's just starting taking like Putin pictures.

Yeah, yeah. On a horse with no shirt. Just do regular shit. Do regular shit. On a motorcycle, play in the NHL. Yeah, yeah. On a horse with no shirt. Just do regular shit. Do regular shit. On a motorcycle, play in the NHL. Yeah, see if you can roll up your jeans

and walk to the neighborhood. That would be, yeah. Walk to South Philly. Ukraine is playing a soccer match right now against Scotland. I wonder what this, oh, I hope they get,

imagine they're getting fucking smacked because the whole lead up has been like, we're fighting for our nation. We're at war. We need the people to be honest. They're down eight, nothing.

Oh, they're good players. Please be getting smoked. All their good players are in the war. Oh, they won 3-1. All right, fine're fighting for our nation. We're at war. We need the people to be honest. They're down 8-0. All their good players. Please be getting smoked. All their good players are in the war. Oh, they won 3-1. All right, fine. That's pretty sick. They want now Russia back off.

We won. Putin, oh, they win 3-1. Putin immediately nukes Kiev. It is a good thing. He's like, have a celebration. I hope they wind up playing Russia in whatever tournament that is. Honestly, dude, I feel like we might – Ukraine's definitely getting nuked, and I feel like we're next. I don't know what really to do because I know New York's a target.

I kind of feel like I want to go to places that look like they've already been nuked. Maybe we go to – I was thinking about this. Are they ever going to nuke Nagasaki again? It's like surviving a plane crash. You know what I mean? It's not going to happen. The odds again? It's like surviving a plane crash. You know what I mean? The odds are almost impossible you get nuked again. We just talked about this. You did.

We did. Chris and I just talked about this. He had to talk me off the ledge of thinking that Russia could reach us. They can reach us. But we have defense capabilities, they said. No, no, no, no. They'd be annihilated so fast. They could never.

Russia, we would annihilate them. We have subs in the water all around them. Yeah, but you don't think they have anything remotely close to us? They have one nuclear sub. That's close to us. Who knows where it is? You know a lot of the nuclear. This is what I'm saying. You said they've won nuclear...

No, I mean, it's enough to destroy the whole world at least once. But it's like... How do you know? There's no way they can nuke us without them getting absolutely wiped off the face of the earth is what I'm saying. So there's no way... Here's the thing though. ...they're going to do that.

Most of the sub, most of the nuclear warheads that we have, the underwater warheads, a lot of them are based in Puerto Rico. And I went to Puerto Rico and I went to go visit like it's called El Morro. Like they're like they're like fort. And allegedly the subs are like right off the coastline there. And a member of the Puerto Rican National Guard is the one who let you into El Morro. And I saw him when he was checking my ID had a full like six open cans of Presidente beer

drinking out his post and he smelled like a full alcohol he smelled like one of my drunk uncles and if that's the guy guarding the nukes doing that then it's like I think he I don't know the wrong way the nukes are on the sub and they're just underway they don't come up way. Yeah. He part-times as a DJ. I'm like,. I get flirty, though. No, dude, the nukes are on the sub and they're just under, they don't come up for, like,

a guy just asked, like, he was asking what podcast I should download. He's like, I'm not going to come up for air for like three months. And he's on the nuclear sub? Yeah, they go on the sub, he's getting on in Japan, and then he's just like, I'm underwater for at least 90 to 120 days. I did, like, you know, Quora, like, it'd always be like those questions, what if, what if. And sometimes I'll look at them. They did say, some guy did, again, this is American intelligence, did say if Russia even did hit New York, LA, a major city, it'd be devastating.

You can't stop it. But within minutes, there'd be like 20 nukes coming at the entire country of russia and they'd be obliterated but that's might not be good either because then it's like fuck the whole environment everyone's dead is not a good scenario but that's what i'm saying that's why they never launch it look rich russians want to do the same thing everyone else wants to do they want to get a boat and they want to fuck chicks on it right that. That's it. They want hot chicks on a boat. So Putin's really getting in the way of that. We took away a lot of their boats.

Well, they said that's making them upset. And there's things worse than nukes is what they, everyone goes to the nukes, but they have, they have been allegedly have used it. I think it's called like a hypersonic missile where basically it shoots a missile. I think they use it in the region of Ukraine. They shoot it into the air. And I think the use it in the region of Ukraine. They shoot it into the air. And I think the U.S. has it, too. They shoot it into the air.

And then it raises the atmospheric pressure so high in the air that it sucks the oxygen out for like a 20 mile radius. And everyone just chokes to death. Yeah, yeah. So it's like, yeah, I'd rather get nuked. Yeah, yeah. 100%. I'd rather just be turned into a fucking hot pocket. Blast the skin off my skull.

Then you and everyone you know gets the wind knocked out of their sandals. That sucks, dude. That is the worst. Just think how great it is. All you have to do is go to Indianapolis, and you're fine. I'm fine, dude.

No one's bombing. Could you imagine? No one's bombing Kansas City. No, because it already looks like it got new. Yes. Like a day in Ohio. That's our Nagasaki. Yeah, literally.

Yeah, anywhere in the Midwest, you're fine. Yeah. No one gives a shit. I don't know. Even if the Midwest, you're fine. No one gives a shit. Even if they hit, they're only going to kill like 15 people. Now, New York, if shit really ramps up, we should leave New York. Because, I mean, we are the target. We should get the fuck out of here. You did the under the table drills, right?

In grade school? No. When they were like, we could get nuked, get under the table. No, I never did. My uncles did that. Yeah, that was in the 60s with the Cold War. Cuban Missile Crisis did it yes where did you go what i was in connecticut i wasn't that far have you go under the table yeah and i remember being like go to school in fucking newtown he's only 35 were you sandy hook what the fuck are you talking about yeah they were like we could

get nuked so you got to get on the table you're not talking about school shooting stuff no no no no bring up nuclear weapons in connecticut yes're not talking about school shooting stuff. No, no, no, no. Bring up nuclear weapons in Connecticut? I thought it was school shooting stuff. Dude, I was such a bummer. I was in like fifth or sixth grade and it was like, they're like pulled out a map and they were like, here's the places that get absolutely annihilated. This is why we have to do this. Dude, I'm older than you and I never did that.

There's no way. Well, you guys, there's no, I'm far enough away that getting on a table might help. You're so close. You're gone. I'm it. I never did that. There's no way. Well, you guys, there's no... I'm far enough away that getting under the table might help. You're so close. You're gone. You're gone. They'd be like, kids, open your eyes, open your mouth. Just like Father Bill taught you. No way you're going to survive this.

Eat it. They just start handing out beers to your old dog. Come on. You guys are vaporized. Yo, that's crazy. You did those drills, man. Wow. I think they just had a nuts teacher.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. No, it was many different teachers. It was a maniac teacher that was obsessed with the idea. It's probably some maniac principal. He was probably traumatized during the Cold War when it was necessary. No, this is- Chris, this was like 1990. Multiple years.

There's no way that that was- It's not real. Dude, I went to school in New York City. There's no- We never even thought about that. I know because you would immediately die. We would do fire drills and go outside. Dude, one time we were doing a fire drill. This was in high school.

We're doing a fire drill. It's like, keep you safe. How to fucking, you know, get out properly in case of fire. And some kid was walking on the fire drill, got hit by a car. On the fire drill. He just broke his leg just dangling he was like

oh my god oh my god you just reminded me you guys you guys start doing Nissan yeah what a dick Nissan drills

now I remember the next five you're like watch out for the cars dude you just reminded me I'm sorry so this weekend

I was hanging out in Philly and uh I just went to a bar by myself and i started talking to two girls and then this dude comes up to me he's like that's my fucking girlfriend i was like what and uh it was alex singleton the linebacker for the philadelphia who just signed with the denver broncos yeah and he's like no i'm just fucking with you dude so then i started hanging out massive huge but he's terrifying field And he's like, no, I'm just fucking with you, dude. So then I started hanging out with massive, huge, terrifying.

Right. He's very average on the field. Right. Then we started hanging out and he was great and he was like, I'm walking back to my place. So I'm following him

back to his place and he just was like way ahead of me somehow. I was like, still trying to talk to those girls. Your bow legs couldn't catch up.

Yeah. And then, and I get to this intersection and there was just a kid in the middle of the intersection, blood, all, like spilling out of his mouth

all over the street, just twitching. He was on a lime scooter, got hit by a car. Is he dead? No, he was alive. They rolled him over and they put him in the ambulance.

You know what's fucked up about you? Chris, I say this all the time about him. He doesn't fuck it. This story, he didn't bring up. I forgot about it. The last three, four days in a row. I the time about him. He doesn't fucking... This story, he didn't bring up.

I forgot about it. The last three, four days in a row. I totally forgot about it. Never once he goes, oh, did I tell you about the kid who got fucking murdered by an automobile? Yeah, a line scooter? Dude, I... That wasn't on the top of his mind to tell me. Yeah.

I would have wrote a letter saying, I'm coming home, but you need to read this by the time I get home. Someone got hit by a line scooter. By a car running a line scooter. No, then what wound up happening is he was pitching me this show idea where he was like, comedians think they can drink so much, I can out-drink you. He was like, get a group of comedians together.

Who said this? Alex Singleton. Fuck him. He was like, get a group of comedians together. Captain. I'll get a group of pro athletes together. Well, they're giant men though. No, no.

That's not real. He's like, we'll drink whatever you guys drink. You have to do the workouts that we do. I'm in. I know. That's what I said. I would do that. I was like, I'm in.

I would do that. For average people, I will win gold in the Alcoholics Olympics every fucking year. Right. The amount I consume if you put on a table specifically calling out burt kreischer he was like i want burt kreischer well purchase fucking light beers and shit that's not real we're talking whiskey bottles does he drink whiskey pretty good yeah yeah i think yeah i don't think burt has liver anymore. They've just removed it. Dude.

Dude. Yeah. I wonder. It would be cool to see us play a professional sport and then them do stand up. Yes. Just watch somebody eat their dick. Yes. Because they all think they can do it.

Yes. Yeah. He wanted to do stand up. Noah Syndergaard was a pitcher for the Mets. Now he's a pitcher for the Angels. He wanted to do stand-up. Noah Syndergaard was a pitcher for the Mets. Now he's a pitcher for the Angels. He wanted to do stand-up, and I was going to pitch, not in a game, but see if I could hit one of his fastballs, and he was going to see if he can get more people to laugh than me.

But then fucking pandemic happened. We didn't do it. But imagine he just absolutely crushed me, and I swung so hard at one of his pitches, and I dislocated both my shoulders like a dick. Like I lose horribly wrong. What does he throw? 102?

He throws hard. He's on the Angels. He's playing Yankees tonight. Yeah, that was your biggest loss in the last few years. Yeah, Syndergaard. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's crazy.

The subway. I mean, there's like a high chance for a nut. Is he pitching tonight, you said? I don't know if he's pitching tonight. I hope the other guy's pitching tonight. I mean, let's crazy. The subway. I mean, there's like a high chance for. Is he pitching tonight? You said? I don't know if he's pitching tonight. I hope the other guy's pitching tonight. I mean, let's see. Let me see.

We should go. Let me check the messages. So far. We got tickets. We got tickets. I know. I got a New York Yankees Dr. Adolph sponge jersey. So far now. So far it's on.

That's a Yankees game. So far it's on, baby. Let's see who's pitching tonight. Let's see. Let's see. Hold on it's on. That's a Yankees game. So far, it's on, baby. Let's see who's pitching tonight. Let's see. Let's see. Hold on. Hold on. What's today?

Oh, we got. Oh, we also, yeah. Okay. We got to do this. We got, well, Cortez to the Yankees. No, Detmers for the. They would already announced if it was canceled, right, or pushed. I feel like they would have.

I mean, what are we going to do, you know? It's up to you. It says 40% rains. No, we'll go. How far is the Yankee State? It's not even that far from here. Yeah, that's right. It'll be there in 20 minutes, dude.

I thought so. It's right over the bridge. With traffic, it's probably 25, 30. Yeah, we're good. We have to do an ad. Do the ad. It's our first ad. This is our first ad?

This is our first ad ever. For what company? Manscaped. It's Manscaped. Oh, Manscaped's the best. The pilot is now sponsored by Mansca is our first ad ever. For what company? Manscaped. It's Manscaped. Oh, Manscaped's the best. Stuff Island is now sponsored by Manscaped. Have you been? Have you done?

Manscaped. I talked a lot of shit because I've always taken like a hair clip. I cut my own hair. So I take like the big bulky hair. You do a good job. Thanks, pal. He does a great job. I do like a hair clipper where you have to, you know.

Yeah, you got the Lawn Mower 3.0 or the crop shaver. Yeah, we got the Lawn Mower 4.0. I fade my nuts. The weed one. Yeah, yeah. We got the weed one Mower 3.0, the crop shaver. Yeah, we got the Lawn Mower 4.0. The weed one. Yeah, we got the weed. This is fourth gen precision. I fade from the testicles to the belly button. So when's the last time you got a haircut in a barber?

I did it one time during the filming of Delco Proper. So you cut the back of your hair, everything. You just use a mirror and cut it. Yeah, before that it was probably like 10th grade. Dude, you can cook, you can cut your hair, everything. Yeah. Just use a mirror and cut it. Yeah. Before that, it was probably like 10th grade. Dude, you can cook. You can cut your hair. You wear capri pants, dude. You're a fucking homo.

I am so gay, dude. I'm so gay. Yeah. We got to get these crab cakes going. Do you shave your balls? You know what? Unfortunately, I'm in a relationship with a Puerto Rican woman. So I've had so many road dates. now I'm off the road for two months.

So I just shaved my balls two days ago. Cause if I shave my balls and I have shows out of town in like 10 days from then she'll be like, you're shaving. Cause you're going to fuck some bitch on the road. So I can't do it. So now I'm down shave. I've had so many relationships like that where I,

I'd be like, can you shave the back of my neck? Like I have like, like upper back hair where like it bleeds down and I don't like it like poking out the, like for a shirt. And she's like, can you shave the back of my neck? Like I have like upper back hair. Yeah. It bleeds down. I don't like it like poking out for a shirt. She's like, why would I do that?

For what? Are you sleeping with somebody? I'm like, what? You're happy you're single, right? I'm very single and I'm very happy. Yes. It would take so much for you to get back in another relationship, right? Well, I do want a child, but I don't want to wear it. What but i don't have to i don't i don't want

to wear what i don't want to have to worry about the all the bullshit the relief the angst the fucking pressure that fell off my shoulder that grew i grew like two inches as soon as i broke up how long have you been single seven eight months wow yeah so you were just happy to get out of it. Yeah. Yeah, it took a while. It was a long... You went away for a little bit with comedy, right?

She was... What? You went away for a little bit. I've been away for like five years now, pal. Why'd you go away? I just... Yeah, I didn't enjoy what I was doing. But now you're back.

I'm coming back now. So what'd you live... How'd you live for the five years when you weren't doing comedy? I was doing radio and doing like Super Bowl ads. But you were living here. Small acting, yeah. But you didn't even think about stand-up. I didn't see it, pal.

I haven't seen you since Caroline's. Which was when? 10 years ago. We haven't physically seen each other since Caroline's? I have a photo on my Instagram of you, me, and Girl Code. What's her face? Your ex. Carly.

Carly. Yeah. You meet Carly in the green room. Wow. That's probably like 10 or 11 years ago. And that's when you, after that, you were like- Because we had the same agent. We were at-

Conan. Yeah. Smith. Yeah. So now- Our manager. So now you just, wow. Yeah.

So now I have to fucking crawl back into this. So you still haven't been on stage in five years yet? No. Don't fucking- What are you going to do it? Don't fucking point to me. What are you going to do it? Soon. Yeah. Just one day? Dad's on my ass. are you going to do it? Don't fucking point to me. What are you going to do it? Tune.

Just one day? Dad's on my ass. The other dad's on my ass. They're on my ass. You're doing it tonight at Yankee Stadium. That's what this is. Open up for Sebastian. We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way.

I'm going to bomb. Like you've never seen a bomb. Oh my God, you're doing bits from 2011. Like George Bush. That's the biggest fear. We just talked about this with Ari. Anyway. All right.

Yeah, so the fuck, we got to talk about the nut tremor. We do have to go. Manscaped is great. Go ahead, go. Yeah, yeah. This obviously seems forced, but I tried the nose tremor. I knew we were going to be bad at this. Who's that?

Who the fuck is that? Manscaped here. I used to have the nose trimmer that just has a blade like an open cutting shear. And this one is the circle. Dynamite. I shaved my balls with the trimmer. It worked great. It was the first time I haven't cut the shit out of my balls. I'm also not

a ball shaver. I'm a ball shortener. You go full razor. I trim and then shave see the i'm worried about the i used to trim my balls with my my grandfather's 1945 safety razor trimmer no the like a trimmer like we're like electric yeah they didn't have electric yes in the 40s they had had electricity. Not for a dad. Trimmer? Dude.

What was your dad a fucking? All right. Well, here we go. They did. Now I got Manscaped. Now I'm going to be trimming my balls on a regular basis. That was a package? Yeah.

Oh, fuck that guy. All right. Well, get 20% off plus free shipping with the code StuffIslandAtManscaped.com. That's code StuffIslandAtManscaped.com for 20% off plus free shipping. Unlock your confidence and always use the right tools for the job with Manscaped. Listen, I've done so many ads when I worked at my last job. It's something I talk about. It was the worst fucking thing in the world.

And I will say, we've turned down other companies because it wasn't part of our repertoire. Yeah. I shave every day. I use the ball trimmer for my face because I didn't use all my nookies yet. But it works. It's very versatile. You can use it just to trim all the way down. You understand?

And what's the promo code? Stuff Island. 20% off plus free shipping. Literally, you know what else too is happening? Father's Day is coming up. I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm going to manscape.com. I'm using that promo code Stuff Island.

And I'm going to get my dad the lawnmower 4.0 because let me tell you something about my father. Love him to death. Biggest bush you've ever seen in your life. No more. Thank you, Manscaped. I'm using that promo code Stuff Island. You should too.

And send me pics of your father's bush. That's what I'm saying. Get Stuff Island on Instagram. Do it. Look at the father. I know. It's unbelievable. The professionalism.

It's unbelievable. Thank God you're here. He doesn't wear that shirt. The shirt wears him. The guy is a fucking angel. That's what it is, dude. Yeah's unbelievable. Thank God you're here. He doesn't wear that shirt. The shirt wears him. Yeah. The guy is a fucking angel. That's what it is, dude. Yeah.

What about the ball time? Time and time again. What's the common theme? Can't stop white men. Hairless white men. Hairless white men. Hairless white men. Dude's on the coma.

We should cut that part out. We can escape on to one like that. We'll put up a little title. Just blur my hands. Just put the German flag over my mouth. We'll just put a Puerto Rican sound effect like. All right, we got to cook crab cakes. What time are we at?

57. Yeah, that's pretty good. Nailed it. Chrissy, thank you. Do you have anything you want to promote? You can, when does this come out? This comes out Tuesday. Next Wednesday.

Yeah. Listen, babes. Well, yeah, Wednesday. What do I got to say? Watch my Netflix special, Special Wishes. Yes. Streaming on Netflix right now, Special Wishes. And then we got Providence, July 8th and 9th,

but I believe it's sold out. Maybe there's some tickets left on the Friday Late Show. And then Brea Improv,ust 17th to the 20th all new material new hour working it out and then september 30th chicago theater fuck yeah christy comedy.com for tickets promo code stuff island you got a little youtube thing out there too don't you i got a youtube uh well i got well i'm gonna put out 15 minutes of of the Netflix special that we cut out on YouTube in the next couple of weeks and then another 10 minutes on my Patreon

because I only did 37 minutes on Netflix so I wanted to have it on three different platforms and I didn't tell them that so sue me bitch well that fucking rules let's cook is that game happening or no?

I mean If you want to see We're going to cook with Chris I'm going to make him some crab cakes and a green bean salad And then we're going to get the fuck out of here To see the janky janky Janky janky Janky janky