Stuff Island - Stuff Island #32 - wash your legs w/ Mike Cannon

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

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Michael. Beer. What are you drinking? What is that? Lawsons. Do you drink weird beer? A lot? Like not weird.

Like not mainstream. Yeah. Okay. It's called craft. Craft beer is what it's called. Is that what it is? Yeah. It's a lifestyle choice wait what

weird beer and you're like what do you mean he does drink weird beer yeah once you switch to weird beer yeah which i love you never go back you never go back okay yeah is it because it's the taste higher alcohol content to be different yes no yes yes no yes yes no it's quality fuck i'm not trying to i'm not opening a hipster bar barbershop it's the the quality you know when the engine starts sputtering no dude it's like dude imagine in the are you sure it's like... Dude, imagine in the... Are you sure it's not just to be different?

Yeah, the whole time I'm like, fuck you! No, the point is, you taste something with flavor and you taste something with a higher alcohol content that balances the flavor, it's a better experience. Why do I have to drink 15 fucking Miller Lights and fart all night long? You don't have to do anything like an old i'm just i'm just curious why like because i've

never seen that and granted i've been out of the game seen for three and a half years that kind of beer this is lawson's lawson's is a great brewery yeah they make a sunshine uh ipa and sunshine pills it's a fucking top top notch yeah here i i'm with you though every once in a while i go back to just bud lights and Heinekens. Oh dude. Just to keep it light. You're just a guy's guy, aren't you? I'm not trying to be a guy's guy.

Just a guy's guy. Sometimes I rip the sleeves off my shirt. Fucking throw a Frisbee in the park. Tommy's high fashion. No I'm not. He's Monaco, he's Milan, he's got ankles. Monaco and Milan, we're going there. I like the bit of monochrome too.

The slightly off green with the green. You see this? This is a fucking choice. Shelf island plug. Actually, let's do it right fucking now. This is the first time. This is our first merch, Michael. Yeah?

Yeah. Can I buy one off you? This shirt? Can I support? I'm gonna give you one. I love you to death. You can buy one, but it's in my dirty laundry. I will pay extra.'s out of focus it's totally out of focus

i like it because it's big Why can't you stand up? You just spent 10 minutes trying to get this shit in focus. You walked in to just kick off the camera. It's so good. This is the shit. I like it because it's big, but it hugs. And it's wide towards the bottom, so it doesn't kind of suck in on some belly. That's what you need. Dude, I'm telling you.

You're speaking knowledge. You're spitting nothing but knowledge. It's true. As you age, you become all shoulders and chest. You just need something like when they put like a cloth over a cool car. Yeah. I don't know if it's rusty under there. I don't know if it's been maintained.

It's so true. But the shape. Oh, the shape. The cool thing about the shape is it could be, this shape could fit like a 16-year-old skater or a 60-year-old foreman on like a concrete job. Yes, true. Yes. When you see a fucking bowler, bowler, bowler.

Amazing. Yeah, most of my coaches. This has a corduroy stuff filing tag. That I like. And a corduroy. Just let it live. Just let it live. What's the cord?

Like, are you a big corduroy guy? Yeah. Some kid listened to. Put your eyebrows down. How dare you? No, I've been walking around all day. He's been in that shirt. He's only had the shirt for a day.

Yeah. He's just like, oh my God, this is so good. It's on the street. It's so perfect, dude. Yeah. It's everything I imagined. So this kid, he was a fan. They started their own Stratford.

They started their own clothing company at like 22 years old, 21 years old. A couple of Philly guys. Yeah. And he listened to like the first opening podcast about like our merch ideas going forward. We didn't want like cartoonistic fucking garbage. I want like Carhartt active. That's what I want. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah

we're gonna have a separate line we're gonna have two tabs an autistic tab and people that want to go to a restaurant we're gonna have a weird beer line and we're gonna have a weird beer line and then a for loco page yeah yeah

yeah we'll see the sales difference but yeah. So you want to, I think this might be like a beginning, the way you're sitting, the way you're wearing this, the way you're pitching it. I feel like this is a beginning to a true new venture for you. A hundred percent. Yeah.

We talked about this as well. I would like to start my own line. Because I am passionate about it. When I convinced Tommy to do the podcast, his least favorite part of the idea was the podcast. He wanted to cook and he wanted to sell clothes. Two very attainable alternate careers. Yeah, I was like, if you let me sip weird beers, I'm fucking doing it.

That is right. Chefs love a weird fucking beer. Yeah. That is right. Chefs love a weird fucking beer. That makes a lot of sense. They love that to do fucking blow off of knives. There we go. There's a new merch idea. Actually, I just bought a

new garlic press. It comes with a little spoon scraper to get the garlic off the outside. I'm like, this is a perfect whippy dippy for yak know i was glad i was glad to see where the doll just a little spoon yeah yeah the garlic press i or when i first suggested getting a garlic press would you use the side of the knife like yeah manual yeah i'm not a classic so i got into like uh and then he tried to hide the garlic press and his other packages that were delivered, so I didn't see it.

It's kind of... That's not why I did it, dickhead. Are you getting better at cooking? No, he hasn't tried anything. I made you eggs the other day. You keep bringing up the eggs. You burned the fucking eggs. I'm very proud of you, though.

That's huge for somebody who doesn't cook. If they actually prepare... They're perfectly running. What came with the eggs? Bacon and rye toast, I think. Oh, that's huge for somebody who doesn't cook if they actually prepare they're perfectly running yeah what came with the eggs bacon and rye toast oh that's a real meal yeah yeah the thing is he was so excited i was excited because the moment it becomes a public facing thing he's like no no no no i just gotta check you the way you check me look it's the reason i loved it so much is because it means a lot you didn't for. You didn't have to make it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

No, I love cooking for people. I love cooking for friends. I get a lot out of that. So when you cook for me, that's like, fuck. You got two more months to live here. You know, it was like a big deal. Dude, dude. Let me tell you something.

I think I got a high, big upside. You know, like if you're recruiting me as a cook. Your ceiling is high. Look, he's raw. Didn't have good coaching. But this kid. You're like the Jalen Green of cooks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I saw, you see me cut and peel off an orange. Dude, I got a job trying to, I tried to talk, I tried to talk myself out of a job I knew I'd fail at and be fired within three months. And that was the response the guy had. He was he was like listen I don't like people that know this industry because I have to untrain them and retrain them the right way so to your point I'm a wild horse you're a wild fucking horse that's right yeah I'm just gonna lasso you

I gotta lasso you and get you to stop shitting the living room. Stop you to death. So yeah, there is a genuine desire to run a line of clothes that you could wear elsewhere that have a subtlety about them. Yeah. Your dream would be to walk by a job site and see just a place full of people wearing your shirt. Yeah, you just hope someone wearing the merch has someone come up to them and just go,

stuff violence. Yes. And it's not a big show. It's immediately my big call to show. My dick bouncing in the pants would be like- And it's all under the umbrella of the show. So you're getting, you're at least seeing something out of this.

Me, yeah, yeah. No, I like it. Dude, I wore it. I like, I love it. No, the reason I say that is because I get nothing out of Sagalow's rap career. It seems like, you know, it kind of falls under the umbrella of Patreon. It's so funny, dude. If you go like hard 90s attire for like Sagalow's rap career, like that would be amazing.

Like Charlotte Hornet's starter jacket style. I mean, those are, look at me. This is, I've fallen. Did he dress you today? Dude. What happened today? He looks great. This is like exactly my outfit from fourth or fifth grade.

Yeah. Like truly jeans, Nikes and a basketball Jersey. I don't know what happened. I don't know why I decided that this was acceptable, but I saw this Jersey when I was going begrudgingly going to a wedding with my wife this weekend. And I saw it in a vintage place for $25 in Brooklyn.

Kevin Durant played for the Supersonics for one year. He's a top 10 all-time player. This is an actual authentic jersey and it cost $25. These dorks didn't know what they had. How did they not know that? They had no fucking clue because they're like, stuck it in with the rest of the shit.

Thought it was a practice jersey and priced it accordingly. So now because I bought it, I'm now putting it into that's probably because these two guys that are running that shop were jerking off the princess peach while playing mario kart they have no idea that this dude is like there were no men nor women who worked at that shop right yeah androgynous played on the sonics after princess peach and mario yeah she was a hot piece, though. Oh, my God, of course.

I'd fuck the balls off a toad. Toad could get it thick in the back like a midget. No, see, Yoshi is already in position, though. You think so? Yoshi's a sexual predator. He's hunched with the legs down, and he's looking as though he's squatting in cowboy position.

Yeah, big thick dump. Yeah. Yeah. Man, you guys really have put in a lot of thought to fucking Mario characters. Do you ever do that? So I have this thing with my friends. position big thick dump yeah yeah man you guys really put in a lot of thought fucking mario characters do you ever do that so i have this thing with my friends uh we're like they'll throw out a celebrity or something like that and i'll guess how they have sex like their entire technique like do you ever put in like real thought i'll tell you this and this is genuinely true i've said

it multiple times in the last like couple months when when i see a couple walk by i envision them fucking yeah yeah so okay so it's a normal thing yeah yeah yeah no matter who it is no matter what age group i just picture them and then i i play this whole thing in my head of like you know how good or bad each individual is yeah fucking oh it'd be so nice to find out that would be awesome how right or wrong you are yeah because i do feel like there's a lot of weird like the the dumpiest strangest looking dudes are into some crazy shit yeah but i also think our imagination so i'm curious about several things is one is that a product of porn that we do that or is that something all dudes have done forever

i would say yeah it's always i mean that's always the you just always picture people fucking no matter what because you want to know whether you fuck better than them or not you know what i mean it's like however i would say that porn accentuates it at our age yeah porn is more of an identifier of your sexual personality when you come up, Shane and I talked about this, like the reason, like when you sleep with younger women and they're just like over the top loud or trying to be like sexual. Theatrical.

It's very theatrical and it's just not, stop. No, no, no, no, no, do it, do it. No, no, no, I know, I know. I like the show. I love theater. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, why do you go to a show? I do like the show. I am. You're a loud performer. So the no, no, no, no. I like the show. I love theater. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. I do like the show. There you go.

You're a loud performer. So the old, yes, I am. Shut up. You're a theater. You got theater. You're a power lifter. But I think the older generation where you watch porn on a VHS tape, like that, they didn't do that shit.

It was just all about the guy and like the Olympic cock. Old porn is super gay. Yeah, it's weird. Like it is mostly focused on the dude his hips and his cock yeah it is like not yeah not much female it's a bulbous woman yeah it has like big natties and she just kind of like right weathers it yes there's no sexual performance on her part she's just allowing it to take place yeah that's really important i'm watching these truly what are you guys watching some girls like all right this is what we're doing you know what's

weird is i did watch a tutorial sex like porn video of a girl like and she was not attracted she was like a dumpy teacher like person person, and they just fucked on camera, and she was telling what positions were, how to do it, and how it made her feel, and I just watched that for a while. Wait, she was speaking as getting fucked? Yeah. She's like, this is what it's doing to my body? Yeah.

I love that. I kind of liked it, too. It wasn't bad because I always thought that that would have benefited me growing up 100 yeah you know because it's it's a it's a tangible performance it's the same way as i think we talked on the last time but it's like we didn't have youtube growing up so we couldn't get exponentially better at sports from having all of these how-tos and tutorials and like learning different skills and shit like that similarly Similarly for sex, it's like if something like that had existed and we were given open and honest information about how to pleasure a chick, how good would your game be?

Like your sexual ability. It'd be the same because I wouldn't watch it. I've always been, I'm not a tutorial guy. I'm coming around because I'm realizing that I have no skills and I'm old. But I always hated just anyone doing a tutorial. You know what I mean? It's like going to a comedy class. Yeah.

I was like, not doing that. Right. I'd rather bomb and learn nothing. Yeah, but there's more to this. What he means is there's a maturity and a sexual IQ that you develop through your life that you then let go of that barrier of your own pride. Yeah. Where you can have an open dialogue with someone sexually going like, do you like this? Or what do you like? And that takes years

of experience because you just the fucking the lack of that like in your 20s thinking like oh i'm gonna i'm gonna fuck this chick till she screams and squirts everywhere i never thought that i'm being exaggerated if you dickhead yeah what i'm saying is like you you you're you're protecting your own ego thinking you know what you're doing and she's doing the same thing it's not just masculine and then once you open your your mind to going all right why don't we have an open dialogue about like well how does this feel what do you like and that didn't come to like late 30s and once you unlock that your sex is light years better than you could ever imagine well yeah i it dawned on me once that

like sex was the only thing that i love doing that i decided i was never gonna get any better at i was like and these are my skills and this is what i have to offer and it's like in basketball if i was weak on the low post i'd do some some fucking drills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's one of those thing drills. It's true, but with sex, it's like one of those, it is like performing where you're like, you can't go out there and ask the audience what they want. Because then even if you give it to them, they're going to be like, yeah, but we asked for it.

We told you. Well, we're not talking about like a, you want to like, I know what you need, but when I show up, that's like what, that's the vibe that you want. So that's why asking people what they like always bums people out. But similarly to comedy, you can hide the questions in an authentic way, like crowdwork, where you ask them a question that leads into a bit where they're like, you just came up

with that off the top of your head? You crowdwork worked the pussy? You there. You're trying to stuff it out in an improvised way to like, okay, all right. Meanwhile, Chris is like, where you from, Indiana? I thought weird. No, but yes, you're both right.

I think you're both right. What I'm saying is it's more based upon a relationship development as opposed to a one night stand where it's not game seven on the fucking World Series. And you're just like, I know exactly what she likes. It takes years. And now it's pickup. Yeah, it's pickup. Yeah, but if you're a four, dude, if you're a four, you still want to be like LA Fitness.

There's nothing worse than playing like some light pickup when someone's dominating. Yeah, you're throwing a half-course shot. Just fucking misses the backboard. She loves it. You're like, you said you played in college. Did you actually? I don't think I have like, I mean, I've given okay performances on one night things,

but I've almost always needed a second swing. You know what I mean? Like the first time is kind of like if it went well, it was real lucky. Yeah. Real lucky. Have you always been with your wife? No. I mean, we've had. Just to get my date straight. No, we've we've each had our own thing. Like we've been on and off since we were kids it would be it would be psychotic and also i wouldn't want that like i i could not be the pressure of being somebody else's somebody somebody's only dick yeah that just doesn't yeah repress sexual shit it never leads to anything good you need to know what else is out there we had to like find our

own thing she did it a black guy came back. Sweet. That's how good you are at basketball. This is great. Yeah. That's why you're dressed like this. Yeah, that's why I'm dressed like this. I'm more of a friend to be in the middle of that guy. I'll find a middle ground. But no, but I've had like I've had one night things.

I've had other relationships, shit like that. But yeah, the one night stuff was also typically when I was my drunkest Do we're joking about you ever you ever miss hit smacking an ass? I've hit my ball before instead of like a Fumble where I like thought the ass was further than it was and I hit it here and then hit my nut I'm saying like if I miss if I like thought like you don't get a good smack, I'll lose a half inch. Immediately.

We were joking that it's like you need to step out of the batter's box. Retake the gloves. Yeah, dude. Tired? Just dig out. That's what I said. Click your cleat. Tap.

Yeah. Tap home plate. All right. That is so funny. click your cleat tap home plate that is so funny timing back it's been talked about throughout history but it is pretty insane to witness

it first hand how temperamental your cock gets when you get older because the just brief sayings or something a thought anything that half inch it fucking happens man and you can feel it almost like like an elevator that just goes and then stops like you can feel it like it's over yeah it's over yeah i think there's a correlation with age and your emotional stability in terms of like like when you when you start when you have sex 35 to 45 as opposed to you know 20 to 30 if there's one hiccup when you're in your 20s to 30

like you don't care yeah it's a fucking machine it's a mechanism this is a vessel i'm going to come we're gonna we'll have a factory after whatever the fuck one of my weird beers and then we'll go to you know we'll go to the boardwalk or whatever when you get older if there's a hiccup you start thinking like am i am i not treating yeah her the way or like am i out of sync with her emotions or sexual fucking availability you start getting your head going oh fuck do you know what i think i think like i'm almost like lebron year 20 where it's like this has to come to an end at some point so anytime that i put up a donut i'm like this is it this is the fucking end my jersey's hanging from the rafters or it wasn't even that good of a pressure of a triple double identity every fucking night yeah it's not night in and night out.

LeBron can still lead the lead against scoring, but it's every three games. Yeah, well, dude, this is my— You're just on the bench with an ice pack on your dick like, I'll get on the Mara. We're in the fucking triple header in Cleveland. I built this whole downtown economy when I was a young man. Yeah, dude. Your rain delay?

No, I, I, my thing is that like, if I have too much of an emotional, like, like humorous rapport with a woman. Yeah.

Then if I fuck up while I'm fucking, it's like, I know they know. Oh yeah. I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. It's like,

it's like that thing where you're like, when you're hanging around, when you're hanging around comics and you flub something up, you know, someone's going to be like, yeah. They've proven to be conscious and paying attention yeah where if you're around regular people though they won't even notice i feel like it's the same thing it's like if you're like really like for me at least

if i'm like really dialed in with some like a girl and we have the same sense of humor it fucking is impossible because any weird thrust or any like like i just you try to like choke him or something like you fucking choke you expect him to just like just break up being like you choking me dude the amount of times that i've like my wife has known me since i was 10 years old she's seen every fucking version of me knows when i'm full of shit knows when i'm trying to be cool imagine watching the growth of pubes on a fucking awful awful i can still whack it to her 15 year old clam memory though so that's not bad holy shit yeah when you're staring into her eyes trying to look like hard as fuck and fucking her

do you see you're kind of looking back at you being like, yes, routinely, dude. And like, I'll like, I'll like brush back her hair or something. I'm like, what am I doing? Like, I'm just like, I had fucking snowball fights with this girl. This is so weird. We try to get her like, I'm a man. She's like, I've seen you just eat a raw chicken sandwich. Because you didn't want to talk to the way.

She saw my seventh grade English teacher make me cry. eat a raw chicken sandwich. She didn't want to talk to the way that the parents did. She saw my seventh grade English teacher make me cry. That's the level my wife has seen me. It is such a unique situation. Yeah. I mean, it's off-putting sometimes where if I really focus on the gravity of what she's seen, yeah, I'll never get hard again. It's a library of visualization that you can't comprehend.

No. Every aspect of your growth and adolescence it's this sounds this is not meant to be creepy it does i don't mean it to come out it doesn't it doesn't even feel that way but somebody's gonna take it so my wife's cousins who i've known since they were babies like little little baby kids now one of them is a fucking i think a sophomore or junior in high school one of them is a fucking i think a sophomore or junior in high school one of them is a freshman and then one of them is in like sixth grade or something like that and i was just looking i was looking at the youngest one who i knew when she was born

and i was like dude that's like how old my wife was when we were dating yeah it's six great like it was this trippy weird psychedelic kind of brain warp of time where i was like oh my god that's so weird like i met my wife when i was her age yeah like i already knew her yeah that's fucking weird i still think about her pussy all the time i still get pissed if we don't fuck i still jerk off to the thought of my wife's 15-year-old pussy. You also don't. Sometimes it depends on the mood. Yo, Kevin Durant rules.

That's why I'm wearing these jerseys. It harkens back to a better time. Yeah. I think that's a totally normal mentality. And anyone that would say it's not is a fucking lie. Yeah. Like dad's watching their girls go to prom. Yeah.

You know, and their daughter's friends because they're eating the, you know, the chickens that are pumped full of testosterone are plumping the top and the back. And you're like, that girl's built like she's 20. You just, you just, you just betrayed how much you're thinking about young fat no you know because they're like you were thinking you're like looking at a young girl's tits being

like i want to fuck they're built different you're like no this is just they are this is a mirage all i'm saying is 13 year olds went from an F-150 to an F-350 real quick. I know. There's a lot of luggage, and there's no reason for it. So visually, we're animals. It's like, yo, that looks like a fucking 23-year-old girl. There's also that thing where it's like you're getting to the age. Delete.

Patreon only. Patreon only. Yeah. We'll swap them. Yeah. Well well you're getting to an age now where you start to appreciate those like not appreciate but you start to understand nice dude dig your hole dig your hole you start to understand a psychotic mind like those guys who were like really into britney spears when she was too young yeah well there was a thing where it's like young girls saw britney spears then they started

selling britney spears clothes to young girls yeah and then they're dressing like adults yeah and you're like you start getting wacky yeah now it's even worse because they got makeup tutorials ruined our youth yeah that bitch ruined our youth well you got a boy i think it's a i think it's kind of an amalgamation yeah no i think it's also but britney came before her like all this stuff has been in the works for a long time herself with fake bullshit no she was she was doing coke on private jets at 10 dude what britney spears yeah when it came out during her 51 50 they've said like since she was in the mickey mouse club she'd be on private jets blasting off, blowing

Justin Timberlake when they were like 12 years old. No way. Always be wary of a girl that has a giant gemstone lodged in her belly button. Oh yeah. My wife used to have that in high school. She's a problem. That's a Lucy goose. You know what I mean?

That is a Lucy goose. No, what do you mean by that? A gemstone in the belly button they get their fucking their third eye pierced and they dangle some dog shit from a piercing pagoda

in the middle of nowhere that's a hooah listen we've been we've been we've been nibbling around the edges but let's get down

to brass is that what you call it when you're 13 no we've been we've been flirting with the real subject do you wash your legs in the shower dude this came up tonight yes i do yeah yeah yeah um but do you want to know who's got the time do you want to know when i started so i uh really really way too recently sam jay had a bit about how white people don't wash their legs in the shower and i heard that bit and i was like i feel like i wash my legs in the shower and then i felt myself not going to do it the next time like i was just gonna get out i ran

the routine and then you'd be confused you either bend over in the shower because i think i had in the past and then out of just sheer laziness i stopped you're either bend over in the shower or you don't. Because I think I had in the past, and then out of just sheer laziness, I stopped. You're going one leg in the shower? Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. Me too. I flamingo wash every shower. You're going to be dead in three years.

Why? My fucking core balance is going to be 10 times better than 60. That's what I'm saying. My balls and my feet are stronger. He brought this up an hour and a half ago in front of friends. So it's not a smell issue. It's just you just didn't like someone talking shit, and now you're're watching yeah i didn't i didn't care for the sass in her tone and i was like well i'm gonna prove i'm gonna disprove this bit in silence at home yeah he

washes from here to his belly button no no i wash my balls and my ass yeah you gotta do that all right and then he just lets the soaps go down yeah Yeah. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing. I could see that, but I also, I have like, I've had feet issues in the sense that I have like, I come from a potent line of smelling feet. Well, it's cause you're not washing them. No, now I do. This is all- Has it helped? Of course.

Well, what a fucking revelation, Mike. Wash your legs, wash your ass ridiculous this is such a fucking anomaly you scrub between your toes yeah now yeah yeah there we go yeah but you're still mad at me i'm not mad at you i just i don't understand this concept of going yeah i never washed my legs or feet yeah all the soap runs down all right let me another question but the feet are not like that's a tough one because all the water that's kind of there is all gross so you have to like get the fresh well i don't know i don't know where you got kind of toes you guys got but i don't have a bunch of like i don't have a bunch of like armpits stuck together i got my toes got a little separated i got thigh gaps in my toes no shit

yeah i do not i got a hot ass dude your got thigh gaps in my toes. No shit. Yeah. I do not. I got a hot ass toe. Dude, your toes are bow-legged like your legs. I can see the sun right through them. No, I can see if you got a little fat foot. Let me ask you a question. You're going to need to scrub between them. There's questions for both of you. But the soap running through them, it's a beautiful waterfall.

Do you remember? Mine are like this, and I can only bend them like that. Oh, really? Yeah, my toes are like a one-team unit, and they like this and I can only bend them like that. Oh really? Yeah my toes are like a one team unit and they can't I can tickle you with my toes. That's terrible. I can grab you. I can take that jersey off. I can hockey fight

you with my toes. I can just pull it right over your back. Topper cutting with the other foot. It's probably because all the the toe jams sticking to it Do you remember Do you remember Like getting washed by your mother or father As a kid in the tub

Yeah never my dad My mom washed me too Do you remember she would Rough scalp Oh yeah she was a brute yeah an irish brute she would fucking grab her meat her meat wagon hands and fucking she we call them sausage links she has like half the length of a normal finger your mother is a bigger lady no back in the day she's aggressive she's an aggressive woman and she would scrub the fuck out of you

super small just tiny fucking vienna sausages just nothing like deer hooves for hands just battering me but i remember in age where i remember i remember like so much to that i remember like five years old I like stood up in the bath and I was like, pecker time. Like wash my pecker. And she was like, you're too- Well, I call it pecker growing up. Yeah, but pecker time. I didn't say pecker time.

I'm saying it for now. Like pecker time. You know, that's a huge thing that parents aren't supposed to do these days. It's nicknamed penises. I didn't know you as a kid. It's conceivable. It's conceivable.

100% She would be like, Mama, pecker time. is nicknamed penises. When you're a kid, it's conceivable. A hundred percent. She would be like, Mama, peck your time. A hundred percent. She'd be like, all right, Tommy. All right, Tommy. You start battering her. She puts on a pair of sunglasses

and a fake mustache. She's like, peck your time. What I'm saying is, I got to a certain age where i remember my mother going no no no more of that now you have to wash yeah but she was very like cognizant and like and thorough yeah top to bottom wash it and that's how you train a child to wash themselves so my question to you was like do you remember any of that or do you like did anyone teach you how to wash your body no how'd you wash it with a hose in the backyard no i just remember being in a bathtub and then you were like i'll figure it out

yeah i was mostly playing with boats i'm not gonna i know that sounds like every episode i know that sounds like a bit I know that sounds like a bit but I was mostly playing with boats yeah the water was soapy enough that I think it got the job done I don't remember ever scrubbing as an adult you feel like

the soapiness of the water coming down off your legs is going to remove the filth from you running around the streets of New York I'm not scrubbing my toes man don't look at him unacceptable i can't scrub your toes now you scrub your toes yes but now you're acting it all comes from sport i'm surprised you never got like athlete's foot or anything like that.

Never, never, never. Dude, I had awful athlete's foot from sports. My dad has like famously disgusting feet. We both I told us on Are You Garbage? But like he had to bleach his feet often, like like poor bleach in a tub and let his feet sit in the tub. And it got to the point where I had to join him once because my feet got so insane that it became, like, at least fodder for sleepovers. Yeah, dude. Well, this is like, look, if they did, like, the dirty history of the Chuck T.

Yeah. Oh, my God. It's foot fungus. Yeah. Any dad who played basketball and wore chuck t's regularly their nails are a mess yeah dude my dad yeah my dad my dad played his basketball his whole life like played in college wore chuck t's through the whole thing his his toes are a wreck yeah and nobody talks about it's like american nobody talks about it. It's like American foot binding. Nobody talks about it. And they've somehow been able to

resell this shoe. They should. They should make, you know, the all-star game week, all-star week for most sports. Yeah. Have like weird shit. You know, like a home run derby. They should make professional play. They would never happen because it's too much. They'll just blow out the killies. Yes, but they should make

them try and play a pickup game in Chuck Taylor's. No, it's irresponsible people talk shit on pistol Pete that dude was fucking still holds the record in college sports I know cover over the toes yeah they can't breathe well it's coming out the holes in the side yeah

those two little port holes let the dog shit seep out just jack on the titanic looking out the side of the chuck dude your foot's like you know yeah yeah i mean i'm how old are you 37 yeah i'm I'm stunned. That's crazy.

I'm surprised that you haven't, like, I think at some point you will take on your lower half. I just don't need to be down there. The dismissive, like, I don't need to be down there. Every podcast he reveals something that's so disgusting that every guest, and this is your second, you were like me not that long ago you're our first repeat guest first of all

I appreciate that my special yeah so before we talk about that we talked on Francis Ellis and Giulio Gallarotti their podcast and he went off on his tangent about like brushing your teeth he's against that too I'm not against it I'm just saying that like you should just be able to use listerine blast it out so he's against it out

he thinks this is too much work because he doesn't think the film is there the same way he doesn't think there's a film on his legs and his feet do you mean like is this in a rush or is this in like a every day i brush my teeth. I brush my teeth, but I resent it every time. I don't go, this is part of a human's daily routine. I go, what's happening that I still need to do this? Yeah. I mean, I actually.

I gotta burn this much time. I mean, you know, I brush my teeth for a long time. I don't take it lightly. Well, it's because you will do it once a week. If you do it every day, it only takes like two minutes no i just once i start i can't stop yeah do you floss no do you just do they just pick blood out of your teeth every time you go no no no my body makes my body makes up for a lot of my personal failures you know my legs they know i'm not they know they know i'm not gonna go down there and help them so they they've deployed self-cleaning regimen yeah it's you know like people who put too much lips lip balm on or whatever what are you talking? Yeah. Like if he goes a day without putting chapstick on his lips,

the lips will quit. No shit. An hour. Wow. It's like taking too much steroids and your body stops producing testosterone. So I treat my legs like they're, you know, look, life's going to be tough.

Yeah. You better get out there and do it yourself. You got to bully yourself into a stink. I'm not here to hold your hand the whole way and so far so good yeah has any girl ever gone down on you and been like your

fucking thighs stink had to no they can be like I smell your ass oh my god I can't even imagine but that happens yeah look you're out during some sex after like sporting events yeah i get like i get like

i get like a bitch about like like if something sexual starts happening and i know i've been like out and about and stuff i have to take a shower i am like so scared of someone smelling something i like the stinks yeah that's what i like i look i get it you like that that potent shit smell that just kind of hits you like you're taking a bump that's not good poop yeah on a girl oh i love yeah no kidding and if you're with a girl that you smell that that's a problem i've never once not if you've been out like in the summer at a festival or something well you're talking about like a little i've never once not if you've been out like in the summer at a festival or something well you're talking about like a little i don't mind when it's like strong vaginal smell like and i don't mean like decaying vagina i mean like like yeah that like you know

the overly wet whatever smell if you you know it's happened once or twice i've gotten a chick wet once or twice in my gotten a chick wet once or twice in my life she was expecting something better and then I showed up but that smell I wish they could bottle that that's a good stink do you know what I mean

but I've also done it where like neither party was expecting and you do one thrust from behind and it just is a rocket up your nostril and it clears your fucking mind talk about dude but it's so up in the birds it's so hot it's like i mean look you ever watch porn where they like they keep their clothes on they just like pull their pants down yeah fuck yeah it's like look obviously i prefer to see a naked fully naked

woman yeah but the pants down just fucking is so like, it's so, ah, we need to fucking do this. It's so hot that you're like, ah, I like it. I agree with that. We're talking about garbage pussy. If you smell someone's stink, it's because you both can't help each other and that's hot. No, it's because they're both dirty. I see. So you're taking the smell as a compliment because they're not even going to clean themselves.

They need you so badly. What we've learned here is... I get it. What we've learned here is dirty people find other dirty people. And that's why they like it. If that's what you want to take away from it? If that's what you want to take away from it? But what I'm taking away from it is that he's put his laziness to work

where it now helps facilitate the joy out of necessity. I like that. It's like a tree going around like a fence. He's like, well, we can't just die. So I guess we'll have some chain link fence inside of us. Your upper body is the tree. The only part of the tree. Oh my God.

That's so funny. What did that say? 45. I feel like Coke is the opposite of toilet paper. Where you do want to leave a couple of sheets. Sure. And not replace it. I always feel bad, but I also don't like-

You've never replaced a roll of toilet paper in your life. Sure. You're so on top of it. Also you go through so much toilet paper. Oh God, here we go. You better stop drinking whiskey. You follow you bunch of- This is the problem.

What are you talking about? Do you know Chris on whiskey? Chris on whiskey is another- I use almost no toilet paper. If it was just me, I could make toilet paper last for two months. How is that possible? Because I only use two sheets. On shits?

Yeah. No. No, you don't. Stop. Yeah, I fold. Yeah, but no amount of folding can make that nut get your hand. How many shits are shit clean? As in like every time it's a no wipe or a one wipe?

Every once in a while I run into it. Bit of a mess. Yeah. You can drink that and not. Chris, you gotta fucking reel it in, dude. There's no fucking way. You gotta reel it in. Dude, I shit clean.

Yeah. I do. I shit clean. You're a wild one right now i don't think that i am dude every time that i do that and when i shit and then i go to wipe and it's nothing i am both elated and also genuinely worried yeah because there's no way that's good yeah right like that's that's too dehydrated i ran into it today today i did a ghost shit yeah where it disappears in the toilet too yeah the log just slips it's crazy and it was like what happened it was it was luganus into the pool. And it hit his head on the board. There's blood leaking. And he had HIV, didn't he?

That's how they found out. That's how they found out? He hit his head on the board. And then I guess they tested him. Was that 88? You're filthy. You're going to die. Chlorine kills HIV though, right?

100%. It must. Otherwise I got no respect for chlorine. chlorine yeah chlorine's doing some real bullshit heavy lifting or i got a lot of respect for hiv yeah pulling the weight i'm learning this as i'm still infecting the water i like that too yeah yeah i've lost respect for hiv though now that it seems like completely manageable and treatable yeah you mean would you be scared if you got it yeah but that's only us right like if a kid is 20 now and they get hiv they were born in 2002 do they like the scariest part is having look any disease that's on your permanent record

is a bummer it gets passed on from grade to grade. I don't mind getting suspended or going to detention, but please tell me it's on my permanent record. You get arrested for armed robbery, you're not getting a good job. If you have HIV, you're not getting a good lady to settle down with you. Unless she also accidentally got HIV.

HIV anonymous. That's how you find it. It's got to be a thing. It narrows the pool so much. It's already hard enough to find. But it narrows her pool too. So if she's real hot, but just has the monster pumping in her veins, then you could really get her.

Yeah, get HIV. Dump a bunch of chlorine in that pool, and everybody's safe. Finish day. But, I mean, if you think about it, water parks. Sorry. Water parks, yeah. Water parks, like, somebody has to have HIV there on any given day when you're at a water park and there's blood like what size water park like don't blood everywhere you've never been to action park

yes action park there's blood in every slide every pool there's loose shit that place is a cesspool it's fucking disgusting um and but that said i hope chlorine does do its job the lazy rivers i gotta go back to action park i didn't realize you're unreal is it still around they oh reopen it i think we're going to uh split a splish splash on long island really me feeny and sagalow's go. Would you guys like to come? 100%. That would be fun. Hell yeah. Talk about your special before we... It's called White Privilege Homeless.

Hold on, before you get to that. I want to talk about I want to talk about hemorrhoids. Something very... Oh, dude, it's the worst. Do you have them? I've had. Yeah, and they'll pop up every now and then. What the hell? They're like whack-a-mole. You just get those medicated pads.

It's not whack-a-mole. You rub them down. That's why you're going through so much toilet paper. I go through so much toilet paper because my shits are on another level. Like a true, people have seen them. They didn't believe it. I've brought them into the bathroom to show what i'm working with and it is never not life-altering you paint the bowl sometimes

sometimes i do that and i leave it for my wife intentionally yeah like just as a i'm the man of the house that's you i'm the man of the house have some respect that called. I'm home from side splitters. That long don't cut itself. Go upstairs, look at the ball. So tell us about the special for real. Yeah, it's out on YouTube. YouTube.com slash Mike Cannon Comedy. White Privileged Homeless.

We filmed it at the Triad Theater up on the Upper West. And yeah, it's all about basically the year I lived at my in-laws, the 14 months during the pandemic and all that shit, which is great because it's all about basically the year i lived at my in-laws uh the 14 months during during the pandemic and all that shit which is great because it's not about like i don't have any covid jokes or masks or anything like that i just i'd never got to writing that stuff but my family went through such a traumatic insane experience with my in-laws my father-in-law getting heavily radicalized throughout uh throughout the pandemic yeah and uh and my wife and mother-in-law just leaving me to basically take on the brunt of all of his new theories day day in and day out well you are i have tell me your theory face dude no you don't i really do i swear to god because every every uber i'm in they're like you know

the mark of the beast is coming with this vaccine. I'm like, I know. I've heard it before. But that's not your face. When people have theories, they got to tell you. It's just part of it. I agree with this. As the son-in-law, you're first into the breach.

That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because look, if you're a woman, you can't talk a dude with theories off a ledge. You can't even swallow the punches. Yeah. At least if you're a guy, you can be like, hey, man, I got a dick, too.

But you know, JFK just got shot. Oh, it was not. No, I could love a JFK. I would love a love a JFK. Me too. I would love a light, easy JFK. I was like, do you know 22 children's bodies don't stack in a closet like the official report of Sandy Hook let us know? And I'm like, get out of my face, dude. I'm like, I refuse to have this conversation.

That's even one that you can wrap your arms around. I got hit with like, you know, Sandy Hook doesn't even have Wi-Fi. And you're like, how do I, do I stay on my feet for this? Or do I go to the ground? Like, I don't know. Like, what's the, I don't even know. What does Wi-Fi have to do with it? Like, I don't, then you're in a position where you just have to ask questions.

Yeah, yeah. You just have to be like, what? Okay, what? And then now you're on a position where you just have to ask questions. Yeah, yeah. You just have to be like, what? Okay, what? And then now you're on the back foot. Then you find it's more or less a religion of its own. I used to host a conspiracy theory podcast that broke up because of the flat Earth. That's literally why we stopped. We couldn't just get away from it.

One of our co-hosts got so fucking into it that it became everything so space isn't real the other planets are sentient beings gravity is horseshit so every instrument on earth that operates within gravity math is also bullshit there's 10 000 mile high ice walls you know on the other side might be other civilizations it's like impossible to then be like okay well what about like maybe alien space doesn't exist like it always would just shut down any other conversation it fucking sucks they should do that look if bezos or musk had any real balls they would take one of those people they would take him into space show them space throw them the fuck out the... Throw them into the vacuum. Jettison.

Film them dying. Exploding. And go, see? That would be fucking awesome. It'd be like, here's the agreement. We will take you to space.

Sign here. We will show you, yeah, we will show you Earth. You are going to die. Implode. Because you're going to have to space walk with no suit. Yeah, we're going to throw you out there and you're going to turn into dust because you're gonna have to spacewalk with no suit yeah we're gonna

throw you out there and you're gonna turn into dust icicles and you're gonna have to do it from your phone film it on instagram live you're gonna have to step out into the vacuum and you get to watch you freeze and explode yeah wouldn't that be nice that would be cool well that one flat earther tried to build his own rocket successfully did it and then died in the launch like yeah he like didn't have a parachute or something and then just plummeted to the ground like mach 3 dude that rules yeah it's so good is there footage uh i don't know i don't know but yeah we ran into similar things where like we would talk sandy hook and he'd be like not an active school it never existed i don't know. We ran into similar things where we would talk Sandy Hook and he'd be like, not an active school.

It never existed. I don't know. And my wife's cousin literally went there, knew some of the young kids that were classmates with the kids that passed. And he was like, no. Like, no, it wasn't. It's like, oh, okay.

So we just can't even meet on the same. I like the concept of conspiracy podcasts. But I think it's the surest way to get violent the fastest it's like there's so many episodes where we're just screaming at each other they would change the relationship every conversation yeah yeah i would want to literally throw my fist through your fucking skull you start talking dog shit like that you start really being disrespectful but i I do like JFK conspiracies. Things that are on the cusp of like, what if?

And then this. And then that. You're like, eh. I'll dive deep in 9-11. I'll dive deep in like fucking. What? Yeah. I'll have a fucking.

I'll get the toe. One of my clean soap toes. And then a fucking 9-11 time. Let me hear your. Because this ties all back into it. Let me hear your opinion on Feeney's theory so Feeney's theory is that he thinks Pete Davidson

should break up with Kim Kardashian and that would be the first time she's ever been broken up with by a guy it would be the most alpha move ever it would solidify him as maybe the world's greatest coxswain of all time and I said I think the Kardashians have enough resource and media pull

to then disprove that 9-11 ever happened thus destroying pete's entire career they're like you oh you're breaking up with me there were no planes it was a direct energy weapon and holograms yes your dad's full like the next day a picture's getting released with Kim and his dad Dating him now I just picture Pete and his dad's dick both looking like towers Is one bigger the other is it from a low angle building seven on the other is that from staten island or is that where is it where's the picture taken from are you hanging around for the page yeah yeah yeah sweet yeah i just gotta pee can i pee yeah