Stuff Island - Stuff Island #35 - nut cologne w/ Sam Tallent

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You are stressed. I'm not, you know, it's a lot of pressure. I've never seen you like this before. It's like a hot girl coming over. Well, he's a foodie and I cook for him. I know, I know, he's never once asked someone how they like things. Yeah.

You're so stressed because of the puttanesca? Yeah, I wanna impress. Well, dude, it's a hammer. You know, you're gonna get the capers in there, the anchovy, it's gonna be hard to fuck up. Oh, I know, not that, I'm just like, I want the pasta to be the right consistency. No pressure.

It was much drier than I've ever made it before. You have a roller. I got a roller. Yeah, you're fine. Thanks, baby. If you blow this, you should be ashamed. I'll be severely disappointed if you fuck that up. That's the whole thing.

It's like, it's so easy, but you know, the density of the pasta is- We had to go to a specialty store. We did. They sell frozen rabbits from Spain. Yeah, yeah. What, to get the guanciale? Uh-huh.

Our butcher didn't have it, so we had to go to a specialty. Yeah. It's not 1935 in Naples. Yeah. Yeah, the war isn't on. Well, this one spot does have packaged pancetta on the shelf so i i thought maybe he'd have it but i appreciate you sourcing it for me man is that is that like a wartime is this like a heavily salted well it's like preserved jowl meat yeah so i always assume when they're like putting an emphasis

territory right you know for the layman it doesn't taste like it doesn't taste like corn beef but it's the same principle right corn beef yeah it's a fucking pig yeah no no i know but corned beef is like is was like a poor person's food that's like heavily salted it's like it's meant to just be preserved i wish i had a life preserver to throw you right now because you're drowning bro i think i'm on to something no yeah it's a relationship here i think panchetta is a closer approximation. Sure. Or like certain kinds of Spanish hams that are like heavily salted and preserved. Yeah.

Kind of like honestly closer to a country ham that America makes. Yeah. Yeah. I've read it's the pancetta is cured in just salt, whereas guanciale is cured in sage, rosemary, garlic, salt, pepper. Then they hang it in a dark cellar somewhere. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's like Mussolini's coming, we gotta preserve our music. I was more talking about these socioeconomic circumstances surrounding- Well, what I pulled it in, baby. This is a, this motherfucker was like 15 bucks a pound. Yeah. Well, I've never heard of it before.

He made a World War II reference and I went with it. No, it's from Naples, right? And now we're off to a bad start. I feel bad. Well, I feel bad heard of it before he made a World War two reference and I That's as soft as you can criticize you're out of your element chris men are talking i did do some reading it's apparently it's not as popular in north america because it was illegal to import right for decades why is that why i don't know maybe the way the what the pig jowl is you know maybe it's human not humane or something not inhumane like you can't get a calf's head here but in france you can eat calf's head whenever you want like baby calf head is a delicacy there yeah they got whole lambs and shit though you can get the whole yeah so weird because you're murdering the animal what is it about the calf's head that well the innocence makes it so much

sweeter it's a tasty taboo it's the pedophilia of food. It's unbelievable. Why not sell it? It's like you're selling me the body. I know the head somewhere. Well, because you're not supposed to kill the calf is the issue. Oh, really? I thought that's what like veal was.

So veal is, is veal the deer that's- No, veal is a baby, a baby- Yeah, I thought it was a baby, baby lamb. Why am I- Yeah, it's a baby lamb? It's not a lamb. Not a lamb. What am I- Baby cow? A veal is a baby, a baby cat. Yeah, I thought it was a baby lamb. Why am I, yeah, it's a baby lamb? It's not a lamb. Not a lamb. Baby cow. What am I, a veal, it's a cow, right?

Baby cow. I feel like it's some kind of like- Welcome to my world. What am I doing? Oh no, Chris. We should have light preserves all over the fucking thing. Just toss them at us. It's the best one, trash. It's the best one. It's a cow.

It's a baby cow. A cow. That is veal. That's veal, yeah. It's a tiny baby cow. Right. And they don't let it move around either. Yeah.

That should be illegal. Well, it's a- They cage them on, they put them on like a one foot chain. Yeah, they'll break their legs sometimes. So they can't burn fat. I'm just saying. So let me eat the head at least, you know? If you're doing that.

Yeah. Yeah. You guys are all in trouble of torturing this little creature. We should be able to suck on his eyes. Out of respect. I want a little cow tongue that hasn't said one bad word. Yeah. Because I love cow tongue.

Lengua's the shit. Really? Well, yeah, because I grew up like I'm like half Mexican. Well, I guess like three quarters Mexican. we ate a bunch of Langua growing up. Okay. And it was like my uncles would like fight over the Langua. Really? And also like Cabeza, like the cow head was a big deal growing up.

I ate like a pig's head once. It was fantastic. Oh, it's the best. It was so good. Brains are good. They're creamy. Yeah. It's like a little tasty. Yeah, they're pretty much like natural butter.

Yeah. Eyeballs are good. Cheek. I've never been one for the eyeballs. It was a big like machismo thing. Like your uncle would be like, you got to eat the eyeball and you'd be like. Yeah, it's still not.

I ate it once. It was an experience. Yeah. I've had pig cheek. It's the best. I don't see it. Yeah, the cheek is fucking unbelievable. You cook it on the ground.

Yeah. Bring the hog out. Can't wait to try the jowl. don't see it. Yeah, the cheek is fucking unbelievable. You cook it on the ground. Yeah. Bring the hog out. Can't wait to try the jowl. The jowl. Yeah. Is it gamey? More gamey than a pork belly? No, it's going to taste like face meat, just like cheek or forehead.

Have you had snout? No. Oh my God. Oh, the scrapple. Okay. Well, that's not the best presentation. Well, I'm saying, scrapple is everything on the floor of a fucking- Yeah.

You mean the Amish birthday tree? Yeah. Yeah. Mennonite mystery book. Are you a fan? Yeah, I like Scrapple. I was just talking to Foley about Scrapple on my way here. Of course you are.

He almost crashed the car. Yeah, was it in his glove compartment? He keeps that thing on him. Oh, man. Yeah, but he called me. I thought I fucking double booked. He's like, I'm outside. I'm like, wait, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? He keeps that thing on him. Oh, man.

Yeah, but he called me. I thought I fucking double booked. He's like, I'm outside. I'm like, wait, what? Yeah. He's dropping them off. I thought that you were like, oh, no, Foley's here. And he just come out with a pistol.

He's like, let's go. It's time to ride, boys. Dude, he's the best. Oh, yeah. He loves you dearly. He's the fucking best. He's great. He is a great guy. But I went to a Filipino wedding one time and they serve a whole pig traditionally is

the move. Yeah. And I didn't know that like the face, the snout was reserved for the elder. So like the whole time I'm like, I'm going to eat that fucking snout. And I'm over there eating a snout. And this like 85 year old man comes up to me and just shakes his head. And I'm like, what's going on here? And then the bride told me that I like really disrespected her uncle by eating the

sound oh shit guess what didn't give a shit it's the best crispy and squishy yeah I once caught the you know they throw like the garter belt or whatever to like I was just like being competitive. I was a little drunk. I went over the top of someone to grab it. And as soon as I got it, I was like, what the fuck am I doing? I don't want this. I felt really bad.

And there was a kid that was like, he was about to ask his girlfriend to marry him. And I think he was upset with me that I got it. But you ever go to a real white trash where, you know how you have to take the garter belt off the woman? But it's not always the husband? I've heard this. You ever seen this before? Where they have like the best man pull it off with his teeth?

Yes. Yeah. What? He pulled it off with his fucking teeth and everybody was like. He goes under the bride's dress and they're playing like the. Yeah, he does like sexy. The Baba Boom music, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and then he goes up there and just like... What the fuck? He's also off with his teeth. I couldn't fucking believe it. Yeah. I was like... Everyone was upset, right? There was like a big gasp.

Yeah, they rioted. They kicked his ass. I mean, I don't know. I was eating a pig's nose in the corner. Was the groom about to go in and do it and he like fucking... I think that's probably... He's like, I don't know. I was eating a pig's nose in the corner. Was the groom about to go in and do it and he like fucking... I don't know the history behind it. I like to watch.

I think it's like part of the... I don't know. I guess it depends on how trashy you are and where you're from, but I've seen it many times where the best man or someone within the wedding party will basically finger the bride in front of the husband. Dude, I can't. I can't like... but I've seen it many times where the best man or someone within the wedding party will basically finger the bride in front of the husband.

Dude, I can't, I can't like, I feel like going to comedy shows has fucked me up so bad that I can't, anytime I go to a wedding now and someone's giving a speech, I'm just like, this guy's not getting any laughs. Give him the light. This is a homily. This guy's, oh, he's dying.

You gotta get a pop somewhere. My sister just got married and my friend, David Borey, who's a very good comedian, was up there giving a speech. And right away, 30 comics pulled out their cell phone and were just lighting them right away. It was brutal. He was trying to be sincere. It's like, dude, do the voice.

Do an act out. My brother married, she's now a doctor, but the families were clearly split in terms of animals and non-animals. Okay. So when my brother and I spoke, my middle brother is like very nervous and he said that.

He's like shaking, reading a paper. And he's like, very nervous. So I prepared a few lines and after having snorted them in the porta potty, I'm very nervous. So I prepared a few lines and after having snorted them in the porta potty, I now feel confident enough to continue. Half the crowd is fucking roaring. The other half is like, Jesus. Yeah, my mom would be pissed.

Oh yeah. My sister just married a black guy, Mel. Nice, Mel's a great name. Yeah, Tramiel Cooks. Great name. Great dude. Tramiel Curtis? Tramiel Cooks. Oh, Cooks.

Middle name Dominique. Damn. Named after Wilkins. Yeah. Wow. He's a G, I love him. But at the wedding, we ran out of macaroni and cheese. So I went up there and I was like, right away, I just want to apologize to Mel's side of the family.

Cause I know how important mac and cheese is to your culture. So, I'm sorry. The caterers have been dealt with. It killed. It was big pop. How did they meet? I used to live in this big punk house in Denver with my sister and like 15 other people and

he would come spray paint. Damn. 50 people. 15. 15. 15. Yeah. Still a lot.

Oh, a bunch. One bathroom. I was sharing a bed. Oh, a bunch. One bathroom. I was sharing a bed with my best friend, like head to toe. Did you go over this on Are You Garbage? A punk house? I don't think we've ever covered this. No. Yeah, no.

So you got so much shit, you didn't get to live in a punk house with 15 people. Yeah, because there was the commune in New York before that, the anarchist commune. What? Yeah. Yeah. How long, where in New York? Ithaca, New York. Jeez. That's a sticks, dude. Yeah, yeah. before that the anarchist commune what yeah yeah how long where in new york uh ithaca new york jeez that's a sticks dude yeah yeah well my friend was going to school up there and i like hated college so i moved up there to live in this commune and we had a band and we would just

practice like all the time in this old slaughterhouse and tour and shit so it's really fun i was young i was like 19 to 22 what'd you play play? Drums. Damn, fuck yeah. You're a big boy. You still- Hammer, yeah. Yeah. Smash. Are you just punk drums or do you experiment with other styles?

Oh, I can play like, I was in a funk band for a while. I've done like Tears In Your Beers, Western Swing. Like yeah, I can play it all. Really? Yeah. You're a fucking- That's crazy. You're a big question mark to me.

You know that? How do you, anytime you speak. Tommy, I'm intimidated being here with you. You are so unique, it's baffling, you know? Thanks, man. You got a great history. Yeah, I just. I wanna keep talking to you for hours, but I gotta cook for you.

Well, we'll be talking, hopefully. Yeah, we'll be talking there a little bit. What'd you guys do for money? Did you do cool shit? Did you like rob people and stuff? I sold LSD to kids at Cornell. Yes. Yeah, just sheets of LSD.

I'd get flown out. Thinking about doing it. Butterly's talking me into doing LSD. Oh, it's great. It'll change your life, Tommy. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to unlock a whole new empathy.

Mushrooms have done a lot for me, I think. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good one. I truly think it has. I don't want you on LSD. No. Because you're already like a fine piece of ass who's super funny and can cook.

Like that's not, it's going to be over for everyone else. If I unlock it correctly? Yeah. Yeah. He gets paranoid big time. Yeah, I do. Well, you can't tell that story again. Accusatory.

We've already told that story. Yeah. A hundred fucking times. It's not the normal just like, am I being weird? It's like you're up to something every other trip i'm fine it's a nice nice time it was the penis envy that sent me into uh maybe it was truthful though maybe i just learned and unlocked some things about you yeah maybe it was the the fucking ether world telling me that i gotta keep my eye open really yeah i wrote some notes

down i wish i was it didn't go lightly on me i wish i had more things going on every time we get in a fight i'm like i need to start scheming this dude i need to start i need to hatch a plan yeah time to get machiavellian on his ass coming up with a strategy that's the hardest part about I mean you live with your wife right yeah yeah so say I'm wearing those on your feet exceptionally unique you what if your wife isn in a commune with fucking painters sometimes? I don't know. She's a doctor.

She has no time for that shit. People are dying in her hands all the time. Yeah. The point is living with an adult, you know, at this age. It's a very strange thing. It is. You know? You should just be able to look over and go, why don't you fuck off for a while?

Right. Give me some space. Give me two hours. Yeah. Get the fuck out of my face. And that's what's so good about my relationship with my wife is I'm gone on the road like every weekend. Yeah. So like we actually do have time to miss each other.

That's great. Yeah. That's very important. Whereas in the past like when I would date women who like worked at a Buffalo Wild Wings and they'd be like why aren't you home on the weekends? We're supposed to go to this pool party. And it's like I'm fucking making money. Yeah. Yeah. You think you and your fucking B-cups are pulling in the dome? In that Matthew Stafford jersey? Shut up up they ever want to go on the road with you

i do i bring her when it's like a cool place to go no not your wife i'm saying that people oh dude yeah yeah that was the worst i remember this girl went on a trip with me and my band and it was me and then another band of kids i grew up with and they were opening and then this just like very frail woman with borderline personality disorder. It's like, well, honey, we're either sleeping in the van tonight with the six fellas or if we're lucky, we get to sleep under the van. It's got some space where we can bang in the dirt. Did you ever have somebody that was just extremely jealous and always thought you were up to something?

Like you and O'Connor? Yeah. No. Something like that. No. Yeah. So we don't fuck. I've had girls that were like. Yeah, what? You just put it whole new.

He wants to steal my garden, man. If you get married, I'm taking it off my teeth for sure. He will love it. And I'll like, yeah. Like you've, I've been with people that are like, if you have a road date or, you know, I want to go like anything that came up. I want to go. Even if you went to like the stand or like a local club. Yeah.

Like I want to go like constantly on your fucking hip. It's like, yeah, I can't because then I got to think of you and take care of you. And I'm not that type of person to just bring somebody and then not be cognizant of their surroundings and be respectful of where they are. And it's also a thing where it's like, I'm nobody. I can't be going to these places with people. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. I can't be. Then you can't spend your last $20 on a ticket for it. I'm not buying a fucking ticket. At least I'm here, so I know the guy's on. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.

I could drink in the green room. If you come, I got to spend 150 bucks at the bar. Yeah. I should barely be allowed in the green room on this show. Yeah. I'm here saying three things the whole time. Yeah. I'm going to snipe three funny things and they're going to be like, Tim Hill's friend

isn't that bad. That other fat guy with Tim, he's okay. Yeah. Yeah. That tour's going well, huh? Oh, it was great. Yeah. He was the man dude yeah i had lunch

with him yesterday he's super it's like kind of having a master class in like new comedy business being his side and also you know he's a new money homosexual from long island so some of the things he says to people that's the greatest dude god he's so fucking fun incredibly funny generous and smart and also just an acidic tongue. Yeah. Yeah. He's the man, dude. Dude, him and I tried to sneak into a prison.

I did a show. Tim and I tried to sneak into a maximum security prison. Wait, what? One of the first road dates I ever did at a club was we were in Good Nights in Raleigh. Yeah. And I was with Tim and I was featuring for him. And so we just like, you know, we spent that. We were like, we tried like all the barbecue places and like fucking got a bunch of food and stuff.

And then we just like we ran out of shit to do. Yes. And that's not enough. We got to go see some prisoners. And there was a prison there. And the night before we like walked around it. And I was like, dude, I swear to God, I think we can get in there. You know, we'll go.

So then the next day we like parked outside and it was like visiting hours. Right. So we were sitting in the parking lot, just watching sad families walk out of this maximum security prison. Yeah. Which was brutal. And then once pretty much everyone left i was like dude now's our shot we just yeah we just need a good reason to go in there he was like i mean we could say we're trying to do a comedy show i was like exactly so we walked in there

just and i've never been like more nervous in my life walk i literally thought we might get like sniped we walked in there and we were literally thought we might get like sniped. We walked in there and we were like, yeah, we're, you know, we're comics. We're trying to do a comedy show. Like, can we take a look around? We didn't even walk in there. It's not a fucking Wawa. You got to get through like, isn't there like a dude in the booth? There's like vestibules, right?

Yeah. No, no. We just walked in the front. Well, yeah, yeah. But like, so there's like a lobby. Wait, hold on. Before you get to the lobby, don't you have to get signed in, called in, and like... You know what I mean?

You come to a gate. There's a door in the booth. No, just walked right in. You parked in front of the prison. Yeah. You put on some disguise, I assume. No, no. No?

You didn't have like a bonnet on? You weren't in a bathing suit? Yeah. Also, this is not maximum security. You need to get shoulders and a big... Yeah. There's no way it's maximum security. I...

You don't just walk into a maximum security place. I'm telling you, you can. Have you ever tried? No. Exactly. You can walk right in the front door. So you go in the lobby and then what happens? And then we were like, yeah, we're comics.

We're trying to do a comedy show. We thought it would be good for the inmates if we did a show. If they laugh sometimes. Yeah, yeah. we thought it would like be good for the inmates if like we did a show they laugh sometimes yeah and lower the murder and raping if you just let us get through our first hot pen and and and yeah like here's where we we kind of panicked because they were like well uh the guy who would normally show you around is not in right now he was just brutally sodomized with a broom handle. They just dommered him. He's dead. We're looking

for the new guy. That's your next in. And then we were just like, we were already like, we couldn't believe we were inside and talking to these people and I think we were just like, oh, alright, alright. Well, maybe, you know, I think we gave him our email and then we walked out. But I think if we really tried to push there, I think we could have... Were oh, all right, all right. Well, maybe, you know, I think we gave him our email and then we walked out.

But I think if we really tried to push there, I think we could have- Were you doing the talking or Dylan? He did some of the talking. I was holding it. Yeah, he was leading the charge. I was like kind of just throwing in what I could. Yeah. He's the best at that.

Yeah. Yeah. Just making shit up. I was the one who convinced him that we could get in there. Because he was like, you're fucking out of your mind. Yeah. And I was like, no, it'll work. And that was all he needed.

He was like, all right. I never thought of it that way. Yes, let's go. You guys would have did time if they were like, yeah, fuck it. Well, no, because we were like, we're scouting. Like, we do it in like a month or so. You want to see the sound of the acoustics? What's the lighting like in B-Pod?

Is Gen Pop too like loud for this? Where do the Chomos stay? They're a polite crowd. They don't heckle. No pull up bars when we're doing our stuff. I don't wanna speak for Tim, but I walked out of there feeling like I was on top of the world. That's good enough. Get in the top of the world. I can't believe you. That's good enough.

Get in the front door and imagine. I was vibrating. Yeah. I'll do like 14 minutes, 88 seconds. People have done shows in prison before. I've done a show in a prison before in Southern Colorado. Yeah. But it was for like the trustees, like the good prisoners.

Yeah. It was just like me and three other comics. And it wasn't a good show or a bad show. It was a novel experience. I like the idea that they were hanging that over prisoners' heads like a couple weeks before. If you're a good boy. Yeah, yeah. You'll get some stand-on, huh?

Lucky you keep this up. You're not going to see Sam. Yeah. They Google me. You just hear someone hang themselves. It's not worth it. What's the setup? Is it like cafeteria type shit?

No, it was outside in like the yard, I guess as they call it. In a stage? On a stage? Yeah, like just a small. Makeshift. Yeah. And then, you know, the warden or whatever, the guy in charge was like, here's your reward programming.

And then my buddy went on, then I went on, and then this guy went on. And, you know, they were very polite. on and then this guy went on and you know, they were very polite. Yeah. But they weren't like, you know, no one threw their panties on stage. Yeah.

I don't think you can like look weak by laughing. You know, there's still like that, like air of we're all tough. Yeah. Yeah. Like I'm up there being silly talking about like, Oh yeah,

I had too much chili, you know, we haven't had chili in seven years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did a show for like uh with shane actually once for like guys that sold highway construction equipment

and they were like and this was in like just weird western maryland they were like real mean guys and i was up there just talking about like you know you guys have roommates and stuff and they hated every second of it. And then one guy, one guy was like, jokingly said that they were going to lynch me. Oh, good. Jesus Christ. I'm not kidding.

I was like, I think we should go. Wait, are they prisoners that make construction? No, no, no. They're guys that sell like huge construction. Why are you calling them mean? Because they didn't like your set? It's a normal job though, right? They're not murderers. They just didn't like your set? They were just weird Western murder guys. Right? They're not murderers.

They just didn't like your set. No, but it's the same thing. They're like fucking tough guys, so they can't laugh at anything. Okay, they're blue collar fucking... Jesus Christ. The fuck? It's an interrogation. I swear to God, I'm coming.

That Giancarlo... It's because you're... It's a blue thing. I still stand. I stand by it. There's a relationship there. Yeah, it's pretty much a guinea pig. Is that what you guys call yourselves?

Yeah. Yeah. Guineas. Yeah, yeah. Wops. Okay. Yeah. I was in Little Italy yesterday.

Yeah? I think you said that. Yeah. How was it? I didn't know there were so many Chinese Italians. Well, it's close. It's, you know, everybody, anyone on the border, they, you know, they get drunk and fuck. Yeah.

That's why the Irish and Italian are so popular in Philly and New York. I see. Yeah. They hate each other for a while and then you find out the inside parts aren't racist and it's warm and soft. We're not so different, you and I. Yeah. Yeah.

I was laughing about hearing a Chinese guy and an Italian guy arguing because it's just like, oh, and then the it's just like, oh! And then the other guy being like, oh! Yeah, dude. But the pulled noodle stand, like the handmade pulled noodle was popping off and everyone was getting involved there. Really? Yeah.

I forget if Little Italy's close to Chinatown. It is in Philly. Yeah, I think they're right next to one another. They have brought each other. Yeah, they're like on top of one another. That makes sense. Dude, we went to the Yankees game the other day with Ari and the boys. But yeah, I was telling Chris as we were waiting in line, you have to keep whipping around. Yeah, they really snake you in the Yankee Stadium.

It's the only place you see so many old Italian men. Yeah. You know, like in Philly, it's mostly Irish guys at the ballpark. There's a mix. A shitload of guidos, just fucking slick-backed. You know, after you, honey, like being like overly forceful with his wife through the line.

Yeah. Do you think they're all leaning into it? I think so. Like, they can't really be like that. Yeah. That's why I got this chain at 40. I gotta start fucking leaning harder. At some point, like, there's no way that it, that everyone there requires that identity. Well, everybody's like that.

Yeah. It's like. They don't want to drag their girlfriend around by the arm, but they have to put on the show. Yeah. Yeah. The Roman kiss. Just a bruise on the back of their arm.

The Puerto Rican leash. Yeah. Dude. I do think they lean into it, but in Delco, this was around the neck, by the way. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cotton candy's 450, babe, let's go. No, in Delco, the Irish do the same thing. They lean into like schlansha.

Like they do all the dog shit. Everybody's got a fucking Celtic cross on their calf. Like, shut up. You're like fifth generation. Right. Don't get started again with this Italian Irish thing. I don't get some more rata. No, I was going to defend the Irish there for a little bit.

I don't think we have the same corny bullshit that you guys do. Then we do in Delco. It's 100%. The same exact thing. Leaning into like your ethnicity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of Celtic knots and stuff like that. Yeah.

It's just over the top with like Irish weekend down in Wildwood. And it's like, shut up. Well, yeah, but you're like swarthy and like clearly have some kind of like cool Mediterranean blood. Yeah. Where like you're an O'Connor, so it's like on you. But like, I feel like every just white guy without any cultural identity will just claim being irish no matter what yeah it's so boring and

stupid i mean that's st patrick's day in a nutshell right just yeah yeah yeah it's fucking terrible just everyone getting drunk and blaming on the irish yeah you just get i mean i remember packing on buses like they have like bus tours for. Paddy's Day through Delco. The bars are only like a half a mile. And then they just go on tours until everybody throws up or gets fingered. Yeah. What was that called? Hopefully not in that order.

What was that thing? In Philly, it's that week of St. Patrick's Day. What's that bus? Kelly? Yeah, Kelly. God, people are going to fucking destroy me for this but yeah oh my God I'll think of it

but I no no take your time let's do it now let me just remember God look it up Kelly something on Delco yeah but there's I think it's worse with Irish, to be honest with you,

from where I'm from. You can be swarmy, but like the pride, the blind pride. Oh, it's the worst. And what are your allegiances to? A bunch of people who got conquered by other white people? Yes. Yeah.

Who cares? Like you guys couldn't figure out potatoes and had to come over here and be slaves? Did you ever meet somebody who's like, they tell you they're a hundred percent something and then they fucking. Yeah. A hundred percent.

A hundred percent. Oh yeah. Cool dude. That's why I have no interest in like that 23andMe stuff. I have no, I have absolutely no relationship to the people who came before me. My mom got it. And my dad's like, I said, he's like a Mexican guy. And my mom, she was in a wheelchair.

She couldn't talk that good. But one of her best bits ever is the results came in and my dad was reading his. And then he says, and Betsy, you're a hundred percent white. And my mom went. Did I tell a story to my grandmother? My dad's grandmother? No.

She was first generation. Didn't learn the language much like our old landlord, just refused to learn English. Yeah. So she did it all around her for the last like 20 years of her life. She had a wooden leg. A peg leg? Is it like a pirate?

Like a fucking Dego pirate. Yeah, a WAP pirate. Bopping around the fucking living room. Just telling everybody everything's over salted. Just kind of cutting board to her knee. Yeah. So this fucking, this wooden wop is pissing everybody off. She wants to get,

there's something called Papa, Charlie Papa Park. He was a politician in Darby. And it was my uncle, my dad's uncle. And he was the only one who had, scratch, scotch all over. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I wish I'd talked like that. Really leading into it.

So this fucking wooden walk goes, I want to get my lineage tested. And Charlie Papa was a mayor and he's the only guy that had money. And back then, you literally had to hire fucking Carmen Sandiego to go read books and shit, find out exactly where you were from.

You had to go to Ellis Island, read like- Carmen Sandiego. You know what I mean? You had to get a guy. Carmen Sandiego was a criminal. Whatever. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? She wasn't a genealogist.

She stole paintings and statues. Carmen's bopping around. You've got to find somebody that's bopping around. You give $1,000 to a mysterious woman in a red fedora, three months later, you know? So yeah, people like to do some- I'm such a dumb ass and was such an idiot as a kid that I used to not be able to like win those games. And every once in a while I'll go back

and just smash Carmen Sandiego. Oh yeah. I'll catch her in like three towns and be like- She's in Tanzania. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so much easier when you're not playing with somebody else. And it feels so good. Yeah.

All right. So anyway, he pays for this DNA testing and they give it to her on her birthday or something and the whole family's in the living room and it gives her the package. Yeah. It turns out they're from Austria. Oh.

Oh. So she... So she literally just rips it up and then pops out, just left the room. She ripped it all up. So now there's no... It's so sick if she just dumped the accent and she was just like, well, shit. Sorry, guys. There's some construction equipment in Jersey now. Yeah, she jarred those tomatoes that night with a cherry.

She was a miserable old cunt. It's cool you guys come from the East Coast though, where there are like eclectic white people. Cause I'm just from like, you know, Colorado. Yeah. Where our whites are just like state issued REI whites. Yeah, I'm scared of your whites to be honest with you. Really? Yeah.

We're scared of yours. Midwestern are nice whites, but like- Excuse me? Midwestern? No, I'm saying I'm gonna, to be honest with you. Really? Yeah. We're scared of yours. Midwestern are nice whites, but like- Excuse me? Midwestern? No, I'm saying I'm going to define all my whites. Okay. Midwestern, they're very friendly. Southern whites, just the draw alone gives me like, you know, EBGBs.

Sure. Colorado whites are purists. Like, they're like, they're smart. You know what I mean? They can wrangle a horse in a conversation. And it kind of gets me like, a little wary. I think you're giving them a little too much credit. These are like people who wear Tebas to weddings.

You know what I mean? They're not caballeros. They're not doing lasso tricks. I guess it is kind of like assuming everyone on the East Coast is like street smart. Yeah, yeah. It's like, nah, it's just a couple of guys. I mean, I am from like, the first rodeo ever happened in my county.

So the rodeo was pretty much where our big GDP came from. And the whole city just defined itself on those two weeks. So I guess there are certain horse scents to people. I like mutton busting was something everyone did in kindergarten. Mutton busting? Yeah, what the hell? Mutton busting is when you get a mutton, which is a- Small sheep, right?

Yeah, well, is that veal or mutton? No, mutton's a lamb. So I know. A sheep? Call back. What about our lamb? Ow! So,

mutton is a castrated sheep, a ram, a weathered ram. And you like- Weathered ram. Weathered means castrated sheep, a ram, a weathered ram. Weathered ram. Weathered means castrated. That's the cool term. I didn't know that. You strap yourself to the back of this mutton and then you ride around kind of like bull riding. Do you hold on to the horns?

No, no. You like wrap it up completely around the torso. That's kind of dangerous, no? Oh, for sure. The horns aren't castrated. They're fucking regular horns. I don't remember any horns. On a ram.

Yeah. Well, I think ram is the name. I think ram is the name for a man. Yeah, exactly. Double weather ram. Oh, yeah. I like that. It's a nor'easter.

Yeah, so like that was a big thing. And then like rodeo clowns. We produced a lot of very good rodeo clowns in Albert County, Colorado. That rules. Whereas they prefer bullfighter. That's what they like to be called. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. You call them a rodeo clown. Even the ones that dress up like clowns. Yeah. Those are still bullfighters. Huh. Yeah. We were just talking about this.

I guess they do fight the bull more than that. They literally do. Yeah. Yeah. You've seen where these, we talked about on the last cast, where these guys stand in the middle of a hula hoop. Oh yeah. And let the bull run wild. You've seen where these, we talked about it on the last cast, where these guys stand in the middle of a hula hoop. Oh, yeah. And let the bull run wild.

You've seen that, right? Yeah. And then there's also the Rodeo Clown Olympics where they let eight different bulls loose in the arena and people are trying to do cool tricks when they're getting charged. So they'll do a backflip as the bull comes by or they'll drop and do the worm and the bull run over them. Whoa. Yeah, yeah.

That was a very big deal at the Elbert County Stampede. How long do those guys live for? 23. It's never the bull that gets them. Most rodeo clowns I know have gone down because they get pulled over and they eat a whole bag of crystal meth and then their hearts explode. That's claimed more than one

man that I've known. You ever try meth? Oh, yeah. Yeah, how's that? Really? In the punk house? No this was uh with like cowboys on the eastern plains of colorado because we would make it like the same way you guys have like pills and shit yeah we made meth there and we would steal it from uh they would steal like the the gasoline from the old abandoned air force base in elizabeth there in elbert county so we like had the best meth in all of colorado because the octane is a little higher yeah yeah like they

tested tested the best most like effective meth was over county colorado chris because i'm fucking drooling did you go through did you go through a phase where you're just like fuck it dude i want to die young no no but i also didn't have any money. So I was kind of like, well, if I do die, it's better this way because as a comedian, everyone will remember you as much funnier than you were. Yes. Like if you die young, like everyone canonizes you and you're like a martyr of giggles, you know? Yeah. But as soon as I like got a little taste of success or money, I was like, I want to live forever. You got to calm yourself down. Yeah. And also, but like, here's the thing. Like I have a wife, I have life insurance. If I go down, she'll be fine.

Yeah. My mom's dead, so I don't have to worry about being alive for her anymore. Yeah. Yeah. That's how I felt about like planes when I was young. I was like, look, I'm like kind of, people think I'm kind of a nice guy. I've got potential. Yeah.

If I die now, like, because I could already see then that it wasn't going to be great for me. What are you talking about? I won't. Let him go. In the last six months, things have turned out terribly. But until then, it was like, I can see, I'm going to drive this into the ditch, probably. So, I wouldn't mind dying in a plane crash. They could be like, well, what a sad situation.

Yeah, stolen so young. Instead of having to watch me flounder. Yeah. I think the most hungover I've ever been is usually on a plane. It's usually after a weekend of fucking wild partying. Oh, yeah. And sitting in that chair going, I don't give a fuck if the plane goes down. When everybody's hooting and hollering, screaming, calling their family, I'm just gonna let it coast.

You never be so hung over you just accept death even though there's a fucking terrorist coming down. And welcome it honestly. Yes. That would be a reprieve from the sentence I've given myself. No, I'm much more welcoming of death when I'm sober. Huh. Yeah, because I-

Jesus. That is the fucking sentence. I never heard. Because if I'm hungover, I know I'm going to be such a coward through the whole thing. You know, because I'm already just weak. Yeah, but if you rest it in alert, you're saying you're going to just accept death. I'll tough it out. Someone will be like, I'll be dying.

And they'll be like, are you going to be all right? And I'll be like, tell my mother I love her. Tell my wife not to touch my stuff. If I'm hungover, I'd be like, oh, fuck. I had so much more life to give. Yeah. Because you're emotionally available when you're probably. Yeah, that makes sense.

The last thing. Yeah. You know, you just, the only thing that's in your brain is the last, the thing you did the night before. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I cry when I'm hungover. If I'm like just chilling on a, you know, just crushing television hungover.

I cry hungover. If I'm like just chilling on a, you know, just crushing television hungover, I cry at everything. I was on a plane last Sunday and I, or Monday morning, and I reeked like shit. I mean, that was. The bonds. Yeah, okay. I didn't even say then something happened. I was sitting there, I was like, oh my God.

Well, I shit my pants the night before. I was in the woods at this hippie festival called June Jam. Like North of Flagstaff. And I've done it. This is the second year I've done it. And you go out there and you do stand up for all these people on fucking ketamine. So they're the worst crowd in the world. But then afterward, they're like, hey man, do you want to do drugs?

And last year I was like, I don't want to do any do any drugs this year some guy came up and he's like hey man this is a tesla it's an ecstasy pill there's only like 15 of them left on earth the guy who fucking made these was murdered in denmark last year like this is the best of the best you can get for ecstasy what a great backstory i was like i'm in and also i'm fucking like a you know jug of gallow wine deep and i got a suitcase of Miller Lights. I'm ready to go. So we split it. That's my dad. Oh, it's the best.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm a man of culture. So I eat it and then I keep drinking Miller Lights and then I get back to my tent. This is the first time I've seen my tent. It's behind the stage. And I don't know. I was like, oh, should I have to go to the bathroom?

I don't know where the toilets are because it's just this big like field. You're on ecstasy, not ketamine. No, not ketamine. No, no. So I'm on ecstasy and a bunch of beers and I'm like walking with my fucking cell phone, like the flashlight. Yeah.

I'm like, I got to find a port-a-potty right now. So I'm walking around, I stumble a little bit and I'm like, you know, the butt is like as tight as it can be. 100%. I drop my phone. So now I have to bend over and get my phone because i can't see anything so when i bend over and get my phone crunch the damn breaks yeah i'm standing there a bunch of shit in my pants oh my god at this moment another someone

comes out of a tent across the way with better ecstasy well i wish no i wish they had any solutions whatsoever they just come out and they're like, it's the comedian. Oh, no. Hey, everyone, it's the comic. So like six wooks come out of the fucking tent. And they're like, you were so funny. Come on in the tent with us. And I was like, I will.

There's shit in my pants while I'm talking to these people. I'm like, I just need to find a porta potty. And they're like, oh, it's right behind your tent. So I look over and there's a personal porta potty just for me right behind my tent. Oh, my God. So, I go over there. I ditch my undies, you know. I try and clean up as best as I can with toilet paper.

Is it down the leg or is it just the pants? Well, so, I wear like these very tight Nike 5 inch shorts. So, it wasn't even undies. It was shorts. So, the shit is trapped. You're marinating in the shit. Thank God. You know, like it's bundled up.

Yeah, it's like a guanciale. Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's why it's illegal in America. It's big. Right now on his crotch is pin chow. Pin chow, fuck. Like my shorts were kind of like the corned beef of shitty pants.

You know what I mean? A lot of salt. Yeah, so I ditched them and then I fucking waddle back into my tent, you know, Winnie the Pooh style put on pants I'm like, well, I better go party with these wucks so I go over there party a little bit more and I'm sitting there in their tent just being like Man, I smell like shit. Oh, no. Yeah, like it but they do like a birdbath. Was there like a

Nothing. Yeah, there was no wipes. There was no sink. It's just, it's a big like Burning Man-esque situation. Oh my God. You know, so I'm sitting there. And I'm sure this pisses you off as a very like well put together guy. No, it doesn't piss me off. I just, I'm thinking of being in that hell. He's furious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that vein is throbbing.

Dorn his dick. It doesn't look like if the carpet has a crinkle in it. Right. So I'm just sitting in there reeking. But like they also reek because they've been partying for four days and they're like doing NOS and shit. When I go back, I sleep. I wake up.

I go to the airport. I'm on the plane and I'm like, oh yeah, I haven't showered at all. Oh my God. I reek like shit in first class. So I'm just sitting there. Do you still have shorts on? These are different shorts. Okay.

I've changed shorts at this point. It's still an open air situation. Well, it's just like I didn't have soap or water. There weren't any showers. The pants could at least contain. I never had pants on me. Okay. I'm like shorts all the time.

Really? Yeah. All winter too? Yeah, yeah, mostly. Dude, that rules. Wow. It's just growing up. I grew up at like 6,500 feet, so shorts were just like a part of the situation growing

up in Colorado. It still gets cold there. Yeah, but I don't know if I'm as receptive or aware of how cold it can be. Because of how big you are? of the situation growing up in Colorado. It still gets cold there. Yeah, but I don't know if like I'm as receptive or aware of how cold it can be. Because of how big you are. Thank you, Tommy. Yeah.

Because of what a pant load I am. Jesus Christ. Yeah, since I'm legally obese, yes. The nerve endings in my legs don't feel due to diabetes. Yeah, no, for sure. I definitely don't. I handle the cold pretty well. I run hot.

12 months out of year. Dude, I was sitting in, are you garbage? And they don't have the AC on. Yeah. And poor Kippy's in the middle. Yeah. And me and Foley are just flanking him like twin stoves. And you still got shit in your pants.

Yeah. Yeah, I was sweating so bad on that AYG. It looks like I was coming down from something. Yeah. Yeah. That's how I am in the security line after like a long weekend too. I'm like beaded sweat. I stayed up all night or something.

It looks like I got drugs in my asshole, like a mule. I look like I'm hiding drugs somewhere. I exude all of the signs that you're doing something illegal. Right. Vaguely ethnic. Sweaty. Right. Swarthy and sweaty.

Yeah. Lock him up. It's like I look sweaty to you. It's pretty sw sweaty. Yeah. Lock him up. It's pretty swarthy. Yeah. I would say it's all the skin. I'm going to search

him. Yeah. Wait, did anyone notice that you stunk? I'm pretty sure in first class on that flight from Flagstaff,

they were like, someone reeks up here. And clearly it's me. people looking around like smelling their fingers and stuff? No, I didn't notice any of that. And also I nodded off right away.

Why would they be smelling their fingers? That would be my, if I smelled shit in first class, that would be my first move. Like my hand stinks. Is it me? I forgot how to wipe. Everybody look at me. It must be my palm. You rarely have feces under your nails?

No, you gotta square away, you know, first things first. It's like, do I stink? Check off the boxes. No. Yeah. Okay. There's got to be someone else. You take a dip.

What? You go down there and take a dip. Well, that I do as just a, that I do every day all the time. Oh my God. You don't like smelling your balls? No. No. I don't know.

I fucking cologne my nuts before I go to the gym. What? Yeah, before. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, see this is- Not cologne, not fucking, not Macy's neck cologne for swarthy people.

I have like a- Oh, you have low grade cologne for your nuts. I have- Are you fucking kidding? You have below the equator for cologne? I do. It's a cheap answer. The blueberry doesn't go below the belly button.

Out of respect. It's cool. We got the who. Why don't you stink? Why don't you stink at the gym? Because I got pride. Certain guys can't stink. Like Tommy,

I mean, and I'm projecting onto you men of your caliber that I've met before, but your eyebrows are perfect. This stubble thing is like clearly on purpose. And then you got the other side. Meanwhile, Bing is over here. His shorts are on inside out. Corned beef, though. Yeah, he put gloves on his feet

to go out today. You don't think I can get that? You don't think I can get out of this? You don't think I can get out of this? What's the, what's it, Pablo? Escobar. Francisco. Oh, yeah. When he's all coked up on that set.

Uh-huh. Going, you don't think I can get out of this? Yeah. Get out, get to the job, bud. He's doing all the. He just does every catchphrase he has. You don't think I can get out of this? Uh-. You know what's the key to get out of this? Uh-huh.

You know what's the key to get out of this? Dude, his Comedy Central half hour was like very important to me. Yes. It was the one where he's just like doing the club noises. Yeah. I remember watching that in a hotel room as a kid. My parents were like, we're going to the beach. And I was like, everybody shut up.

I am listening to this right now. Yeah. And I'm having to like sit there as I finish Pablo Francisco's half hour. Dude, yeah, him and Arj Barker. Oh, dude, yeah. Who's the biggest comic in Australia. Yeah. It's crazy.

And he's not from Australia. No, no. Wait, still? Yeah, I was down there like a month ago and they'd be like, do you know Arj Barker? I'm like, no, no one in America knows Arj Barker. You mean one of the guys from the marijuana logs? No, believe it or not, he's not a household name. And they're like, well, he's the base name down here.

Is that the guy that wears the headset when he performs? No. He's right at your base. No. This guy's like a South Asian fella, Indian descent, I believe. He has like a bowl cut. He has a bowl cut now? Well, he had like a weird kind of swoopy emo cut, remember?

Who's that dude that Mullen used to fuck with online? Tom Myers? No. No, an Indian guy. Oh, Dan Ninen? Yes! Oh my God, the legend. Jesus Christ.

He was just a complete psychopath, right? Yeah, but he would get himself doing like corporates for Google. Yeah, yeah. Good on him, dude. Didn't he say he was like 31 or something? Yeah, he was 56. It's not fucking going. It's not the Little League World Series.

Why is he lying about his age? I don't know. I don't know. He also says he's Dominican. I'm a Dominican 17 year old I am 13 9 and knock it off

yeah 9 and leave some pussy for the rest of us just mopping up whatever happened to that guy he flamed out right

is he done or is he making millions still doing exactly I think he was like outed for being a schemer oh

yeah but I feel like sometimes that happens but for being a schemer. Oh. Yeah. But I feel like sometimes that happens, but like no one. We're scheming right now. Yeah. People don't actually catch it. No one gives a shit about anything. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, I feel like he's probably still doing corporate events. As long as you avoid touching, you know, the ladies. And even then. Yeah. First one's free. Who's going to believe a woman? know the ladies and even then yeah first one's free Colorado appetizer nice perfect great drop ads in this thing well we don't have any ads today okay good no ads no ads today well we got 13 more minutes fellas. Yes I'm a little bit worried about the ads

adding ads Well, we've already done it a little bit what Dude, you like money I do like freedom. Also people that are true fans are like good for you. Yeah, also they'll fast forward Yeah, we talked for 15 seconds. I fast forwarding don't you do you do funny voices when you do the ads no i just i choked through it i call the dude who owns sheath i said he murdered innocent women and children of course yeah just do it your own way that'll shit yeah yeah cares yeah that's good that's good stuff i'm sure they're gonna be happy to hear that well it's at least it's memorable i'm not gonna fucking read copy it's true it's true yeah next time someone's

out of underwear they're gonna be like who's that guy who's that war criminal he's always blood on his hands yeah that's some good underwear who's the rapist of baghdad but it's just fun i mean i read the copy it's hilarious that like this guy was just walking through iraq and he's like i need to separate my nuts and my pain yeah from my legs well he's already compartmentalized his emotions so next is his balls and dick yeah i'm surprised you've never wanted that to happen separate your balls from- I find it very, it feels weird. I don't like the, I'm trying to get used to it. They don't sit in the bag? I got little nuts. I told you it's all meat and potatoes.

I feel like your sperm has got to be in hell. My sperm is fine. How dare you? Your sperm has got to be on fire. If they're that close to your body- Well, I get it out a lot, frequently. It's not boiling for long, buddy. This isn't a fucking six hour stew. I get through like three hours and I gotta pounce.

Maybe that's why I beat off so much. I got a boiler room in my nuts. It is. It's the Pacific theater. They just land on an island. They get to play in the waves for two years. My bird's making fun of me. My bird's making fun of me. I'm like, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. It is. It's the Pacific theater.

They just land on an island. They get to play in the waves for two years. My bird is basically a fucking whale's blowhole. Every two hours it's like Sometimes my dick is like a rumor of a penis. You know? It's really cold. I'm just like, wow.

Someone's whispering my dick's name. Yeah. I have show bearingbearing balls. I respect it, though. Yeah. Yeah. I like dynamic range in a penis. Thanks, man.

Well, that's what's crazy is like my wife proposed to me. So I know I have a good phallus when it's engorged. Yes, dude. But right now, those pig's noses, I would envy a pig's nose. Yes. Like that would be awesome. Yes. I have like sloth toe going on right now.

If we're looking each other in the eye. Good. Buried peen. Good if you're not. If you're not working, get out of the way. Yeah, get out of the way. Ironically. Out of me, out of me, out of me.

Quit taking up space, dick. You're off the clock. There's no overtime hours. I need you, you know, putting on a show, you know what I mean? Looking cool sleeping. Trying to impress my thighs.

Yeah. It would be a curse. What would you need to run? I don't need you clanging around. Just having a giant fucking... Or what if an object gets thrown at us? A giant dick at rest is not something you want. No.

No. I mean, four to five at rest, it's a big boy. You know what I mean? It's ridiculous. That's crazy. You start going like six, seven, eight. You ever seen these fucking hoses these guys walk around with? Soft sevens?

Soft sevens? Yeah. If there was like an ancient society would base a religion around a soft seven. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. You're immediately the shocker. You're the guy who solves fucking, I don't know, wolves teeth into a medicine.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but it's like- Ass long dick Gary, he'll get you something to fix that cold. But how hard do you think those dicks are getting? That's what I've always heard. I knew a girl who was previously with a man who had a real monster and she said that it wouldn't get hard enough so you'd have to jam it in her. Oh no.

She'd have to like choke up on it and cram it. Oh no. I never want to get choked and crammed. No, no. Just folding an old loaf of bread into a vagina. Yeah, it's like you're making meatloaf. Oh my God. That would suck.

What a curse. And there's no better form. Poor guy. Yeah. I know. Dick's too big to get hard, my God. Dude, no, I mean. Where's his parade?

Yeah. You sit in the lobby of him. Let's get him a medal. We should name a highway after him. You know, but it's like, dude, I mean, I was- You think you're killed as a trooper? I have a long dick. You can bridge over a highway. Sergeant Slam.

I mean, imagine having a dick that big, but you've never felt a painfully hard dick. Yeah. That's a curse. Yeah. I'm still trying to imagine having a dick that big. Yeah. You know? It's a right.

Well, you know, you can just sit in like lobbies of like, I don't know, hotels in gray sweatpants and just have your fucking hog just resting. So you catch it, you know? You catch the lady. Yeah. You go to reel her in. You're like, what are you going to do? I'm going to fold this bird into you.

Right. You can't be folding this fucking- I just like that that's your strategy. You're going to hotel lobbies. Well, the rooms are accessible. It's a great place to just throw your hog around. But you got to wait till dusk around 8 to 9 p.m. Or the martinis are half off.

The golden hour when the light's great. It's like head shots for your penis. Let's go to the rooftop. The sun's going down. There's something so sexy. I get the same way with airport bars, but hotel bars. Yes, it's very erotic. But not because there's a duty gray sweatpants

sitting there with a huge guy. Well, that's where he goes fishing, I told you. What I'm saying is it's an area where like everything's accessible at any moment. Right. She can make a mistake with her husband and you can get off and do something real wild. Yeah, that is really romantic

it's erotic it's because this is a chance where people bump into each other these are all fleeting interactions you know and they know that this is you know what this is baby yeah yeah yeah we're not here for the fucking onion rings at applebee's yeah suck my bird and 304 slurp me i've never i've never had i've never had that you never fucked a girl from an airport bar no no i've never fucked at an airport a hotel bar i'm sorry oh no also no a hotel bar have you fucked a girl in a hotel uh the the first woman that i ever uh performed the act with after high school so girls I'd known since like kindergarten effectively was I was in Tony and Tina's Wedding.

Are you sure you're familiar with this? We were just talking about this. That's big in Philly. That's weird. Mike Vecchione was in that. Like actually an extra, like he was an actor. Yeah, you mean the role he was born to play? Yeah, they almost changed it.

Yeah. His name. So I was like, I was cast in that. I was like 20, I was doing improv and they did the auditions and I was like, I'm going to audition and I got a role and I was hanging out with the guy who played Tony, who was like the coolest man in the world to me. And he was just doing cocaine all the time.

He's like a sweaty guy doing like regional theater and I'm like, this guy's made it, you know? Yes. So free. So, there was this woman sitting at his hotel bar at like 1.30 and she was like, I'm going to get a glass of wine. Do you want to come up to the room? And I was like i'm gonna get a glass of wine do you want to come up to the room and i was like now i'm gonna hang out with tony and he was like oh

no no you're gonna go with her and i went up there and you know good for him disappointed her for four minutes it was great that's your first time you're late no no that was the first time i got laid by a complete stranger because i grew up in like a town of like less than a thousand people. Yeah. So like I knew these women like they were like. Right. So it was, you know, you pass around one gal effectively. Did you sleep there or did you leave?

I slept there. Nice. Yeah. It was much better than whatever fucking squad house I was living in. Yeah. Yeah. And you got to make it up with a good cuddle. I waited with cuddle and then in the morning.

Sorry about my disappointing bird. Yeah. While you're all over, I'll spoon you. Yeah. This guy's been making me do cocaine with a good cuddle i waited up with cuddle and then uh and then the morning sorry about my disappointing bird yeah while you roll over i'll spoon you yeah this guy's been making me do cocaine with a twisty straw i'm sorry yeah exactly he would just pass the bag over with the straw and i you know wasn't really a twisty straw yeah yeah yeah it was like a little curly q what a fucking idiot he was crazy you gotta lose 10 every fucking hoop the loop well i don't think he was worried. He was making regional theater money.

Oh damn, yeah. But in the morning I made it up to her. You fucked her again. I didn't, Jesus, Chris. Jesus, Chris, he made love to her. Yeah, it was a sumptuous experience. Jesus Christ, she's a woman and he's a man. We got sensual.

Yeah, what did you do? I fucked her in the ass, Chris. I rocked out your hole. You were styrofoam too. Yeah, there you go hole her south mouth was bleeding you gotta get experimental in that situation you can't play it safe no no I was like I was always more

interested in like the intimacy of like the romance as opposed to like the actual physical nature of like fleeting trysts and shit I agree with that I agree with that a lot but there's also the like the I need you right now factor. Right. Can overtake the romance.

I agree with that completely. So, if someone's, like, come up to the hotel room right now. Service me. Yes. You're a mechanic. She grab your dick as soon as you walked in? No, no. She was playing it cool because she was, like, 36.

Oh, what a nightmare. And I was, like, a young, yeah. It is. That's a nightmare. Yeah. I was so disappointed she didn't shut the door and go, g was like a young, yeah. It is. That's a nightmare. Yeah, I was so disappointed she didn't shut the door and go, gimme, gimme, gimme. Yeah. Yeah, true. I want milk.

Yeah. Well, it is. It's like- Because I'm still in a situation where if that happened to me, I'd be like, is this really what I think it is? Yeah. Or am I supposed to just have a nice conversation? Or am I about to get rolled?

Like, is a guy going to come out of the bathroom and get me over the head with a pipe? Well. Yeah. That's happened to me before where, and I didn't get hit with a pipe, but there was a dude waiting. Right. And I was like, what the fuck are we doing? Yeah.

That happened to me in Boston not too long ago. Yeah. Yeah. Did we tell that story on here? Yeah. God. So fucking good. Yeah.

There was a girl who like texted me to come over. And when I got to the hotel, she was like, my friend's over. I was like, that rules. Yeah. She's like, it's a guy. I was like my friend's over i was like that rules yeah she's like it's a guy i was like ah all right then we went in there and just like talked for a while yeah and then and then uh then he left to go get like three in the morning he was like i'm gonna go get some juice i was like all right nice and he went and got juice and then i was like what am i doing like what am I doing? Like, what are we doing?

And she just like turned the lights off and started hooking up with me. And then so she's, I was on the bed, lights are off. She's sucking my dick. And then he came back. That's fucked up. He came back in the room and walked around like the bed. You know, they have so many code words for how this is all going to go down. I'm going to get some juice beans.

I'm going to leave, start blowing them. I'm going to come back in when you're blowing them so I can jerk off on the little love scene. They didn't seem that experienced in this thing. Because I was able to convince him to just go in the bathroom. Her? Him. You banished him?

Yeah, I was like, do you go to the bathroom? You, back! Lock the door. He was like a big guy, right? Yeah, he was like a long shoreman. He was like a 50 guy, right? Yeah. He was like a longshoreman. He was like a 50-year-old longshoreman. That's the power of pussy, dude. The man was 50 years old? Yeah.

So you were banging his daughter in front of him? I don't know about that. Come on. You think it was just his girlfriend. One of his girlfriends. And they get off on them. I think she had most of the control. She was like a young, hot lady.

Yeah. And I think she was just bringing this guy around to pay for hotel rooms. Weird, dude. Maybe that was his thing. I don't know. It definitely was his thing. He was trying to watch for a long time. That's got to suck, man.

Having that as your thing? Like, I don't have a thing. My thing is just... See, I feel the exact opposite. I wish I had a thing. Yeah. You wish you did, I feel the exact opposite. I wish I had a thing. Yeah. You wish you did. Yeah, I think I wish I had like a strange...

Nah, that's a fucking... That's a heavy chain around your fucking balls forever, dude. If you can only like... Like if you have to like fuck feet or something. Right. You can only beat off a certain way. You don't have to. You're choosing to fuck feet.

No, what I'm saying is when I say a thing, I mean it's the only thing that can get you off. The only thing that gets you hard. You can't climax to. You're choosing to fuck free. What I'm saying is when I say a thing, I mean, it's the only thing that can get you off. The only thing that gets you hard. You can't climax without doing this. That's a prison. That's a prison. That's a prison. That's a prison.

But needing, not needing, but like really liking a very specific thing that's like very exotic is cool. Yeah, but it's usually not exotic if it's a thing. Yeah. What do you mean? It's usually something real fucking weird. Like brunette, you know, wearing like stockings, that kind of thing.

Yeah. Like I'm just lucky that I like I just like giant hooters. Yeah. Yeah. Like I'm a 12-year-old watching Porky's every time I have sex. Oh my God, how great was Porky's? Oh, it was seminal. It was so important. Yeah, that was an important movie in my life. Oh, for sure. Yeah, it was formative. Meatballs. Meatballs also rocked was an important movie in my life. Oh, for sure. Yeah, it was formative.

Meatballs. Meatballs also rocked. Valley Girl was the first one I ever whacked to. Yeah. That lady takes her top off. She's laying on the bed and her boobs are kind of spilling to the side. Yeah. And now I can like trace everything back to that woman whose name I don't know from Valley Girl.

That was Top Gun all the way. I just got these glasses too. You jerked off to Top Gun? Yeah. Top Gun? Yeah. Not when they're flying the planes. Well, when she's on the bike not when they're flying the plane when she's on the bike Today on the bike. Yes. She's like holding like the Ram without horns

They're flying through the fucking know when they're when they're playing take a breath away and they're fucking That's not like romance for librarians 10 11 spice look at it through a fucking blurry line It's for librarians. It's not. It was fucking 10, 11. Everyone's spiced. Look at a tit through a fucking blurry line. Well, eventually became the getaway was my go-to jerk off thing. The getaway. And that's a fucked up scene where Michael Madsen's fucking that chick and the dude's tied up.

Her husband's tied up in the bathroom and he's screaming and crying and he slams the door in her face. I learned something about you that fucking bowels to mine. I evolved. You've come fucking bowels to mine. I evolved. You've come a long way, baby. I beat off to JC Penney catalogs in National Geographic. Well, yeah, Kennedy was just shot, you know, it was a different time, Tommy. The nation was reeling.

Oh, Jackie O looks so hot when she cries. Well, no, mostly because you have Jackie O looks so hot when she cries. Well, no, mostly because you have Jackie O. There was no TV. We didn't have a TV in our room. So, like, you know what I mean? Like, if you're watching meatballs, you're just hiding a little boner underneath your fucking Catholic collared shirt. You can't jerk off in front of mom, dad, and your brothers.

You got to go upstairs and see a long tit in a fucking Sahara desert. Yeah. Dude, also Princess Leia, Jabba the Hutt, obviously. Yeah, Jabba got me going. Representation's important. Yeah, he was a big slimy dick and she's there. Uh-huh. 90s, every movie had tits.

They would force it, no matter what. Yeah, it was a good time to be figuring it out. It was. The 90s were the best. How old are you? 35. You're 35 too, right? 37.

37. Respect. We're right there, yeah. That's good. What do you got, Tommy? 32. Really? Yeah.

God, that pisses me off. What are you talking about? You look great. Thanks, man. If you lined us up against the wall, they'd be like, oh, clearly Sam is elderly compared to these two gentlemen. Max, you got to stretch out, you know? Yeah.

You have to use a lot of energy. That's right. What are you, 6'3"? 6'4". 6'4". You used to be 6'5". That's a perfect height, 6'4". Yeah.

It's powerful, but not over the top. You used to be 6'. You lost an inch? I don't know. When I was playing football and being measured for colleges and shit, it was always like 6'5". Yeah. Well, I was 5'11 on our roster. Right. You weren't. I was playing football and being like measured for colleges and shit it was always like six five yeah well I was 5 11 on our roster right I was yeah me and the other shortest guy on my team we'd play this game where we would try to figure out like like we'd try to have them submit their

info before we did oh yeah like before I did so if he put put five seven, I'd go five eight. Yeah. And by the time we were seniors, I was like five 11, he's five 10. We're both five six. You want Bo those legs, I'll be six one. I do. He could at least two inches cut off. It's getting worse, I think.

Are Bo legs like pigeon toes? It's just how you're resting in the womb for nine months? I don't know. No, it's genetic. My dad's got the same legs. Your dad's got bows. Yeah, my knees have never touched. Your brother's smaller than you.

Yeah. Do your feet not touch the ground on this couch? No, it doesn't. It's so cute. Wow, now. That's cool. Well, that's where I sit. I'm a little dog.

Yeah. I mean, it's very enviable. Because I mean, obviously people are like, to be tall is cool. But like, how much more comfortable you are in most spaces is something that I aspire to. Oh, dude, every seat's first class. Yeah.

It's crazy. Yeah. First class. I mean, first class is like, it's a bed. Yeah. Yeah. A regular seat is first class. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting up there taking up every inch, reeking like my own feces.

Finishing people's meals. Yeah. Oh, and I can sleep anywhere. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah.

Every couch is the right size. Bedtime for Christopher. It made so much sense when I saw your brother fall asleep six times on a boat jumping three foot waves for an hour and a half we're good sleepers it's unbelievable yeah are you a good sleeper i can sleep in public very easily yeah yeah any plane i'm on and you you lived in a house with 15 fucking people i did yeah well because you weren't ever worried like nobody fucked with you? Or like, did you ever like, do you have siblings? Yeah, I have a sister. Okay.

No, you power down certain systems, you know, but you leave like a certain level of like- You can't power down systems if you were abused or fucked with as a kid. You don't just shut that off, you know? Luckily I'm not a fucking bitch. No one diddle the dough. This is where the hype would have come to an end.

No, in that house though, I lived, it was like 15 very trusted allies. It was like my sister, kids I grew up with, people I'd been in bands with forever. So like we were, there was a guy one time who got caught whiffing panties and we like, every, there was, he was on the third floor and we all took turns pushing him down the stairs, smacking his head against the ground. He was, like, smelling the panties of all the girls in the house? Yeah, this one lady. This one lady, Bree, he was smelling her panties.

And we just fucking took him to the goddamn dishwasher over and over and over again. Yeah, fuck that. You walked him up the steps? No, he was on the third story. So, we would push him down the first flight of stairs. He got down there. People would tune him up. Down the second flight of stairs. in the kitchen, tuning him up, and then out onto the porch,

off the patio down the stairs. That rolls. Yeah. Good for you. Is this like watching an 80s actor fall down the steps, or is he getting fucking tossed and rumbled? I think that he was on some kind of opiate, so he couldn't defend himself. Yeah.

We really just beat up a very sad drunk. Well, fuck very sad drug he deserved it but sniffing panties yeah i mean who knows that's his thing yeah because i honestly don't know where i come down on this issue because it's it's weird it's an innocent crime no breaking in some girl's fucking apartment smell itelling her underwear? Well, he wasn't breaking in. He lived in the house, right? No, he didn't live there. Oh, okay.

We used to have shows like every night. That's breaking in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, if there's a roommate, you could just walk into somebody's room and start smelling their underwear? I'm saying I can't even... Even when I would watch movies

and they would grab underwear and sniff it, I would be like, what the fuck? Whoa, what is the point of that? I don't get that. You know what I mean? I could never imagine sniffing someone else's underwear. Plus, they're always grabbing out of the clean drawer. You couldn't draw the line between A and B and why they would smell the pussy?

You're right. It is always out of the drawer. It's always out of the clean drawer. You'd want to get it out of the hamper after they went on a bike ride. A little filth. Yeah. Exactly. So, and even then, even then,

I never thought the juice is worth the squeeze in terms of like sniffing. The risk of getting caught sniffing someone's underwear is so weird. And it's like, look, you date somebody,

smell their underwear, fine. Put it in your mouth. This goes back to my, this goes back to my argument. You don't want a thing. But also, if someone sniffs your underwear.

That guy has a thing and it's a dangerous thing. That's his thing, yeah. He has to go there and he gets off by eating and smelling underwear of some stranger. You're right. He probably can't just beat off to fucking porkies or something.

It's true, it is an iceberg. It's like what you're seeing, the sniffing of the other. It's 10 times worse. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. There's a body in his bedroom. It's psychology that's very broken and scary. Yeah, he gets his, like, grandmom taxidermied and plays with her butthole.

Real weird shit. All right, let's go cook, yeah? Just come up with that off the fly.