Stuff Island - Stuff Island #38 - dykstra gift basket w/ Ian Fidance

Episode Date: July 27, 2022

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What if I just played that song from Danny from John Stamos for his kids in Full House and he's like If every word I said would make you laugh, I'd talk forever. I've never heard that song. Are we recording? What is that song? You don't know that song? Of course I don't. Dude, pop it up.

What do you think, we got an editor that does that shit? I don't know, we got a soundboard? What is fucking Twink doing here? He's being hot. Look at him. He's a milky Irish hot boy from, from, uh, what's that? No, what's the, what's the hottest part in Ireland? What?

That's not it. This is it. No, it's not. These boys are getting nuts, but there's a hot part in Ireland. What's the main, uh. Dude, this is... This is not it. This is not the Jesse, Uncle Jesse stuff.

What's a major city in Ireland? You don't listen to music. You can't get hyped for this. It's a hot guy fucking town out here. And the women are apparently hot. Better than the women. I'm not going to say anything about country. Yeah, I don't know.

These boys are getting nuts. This is... This is from Full House? Talk to him. What the fuck is going on? Talk to Mr. I've never listened to music. This better be out of focus. I love how I'm sitting like a kid on a roller coaster.

Can't touch the floor. My legs will not touch the floor. This is so emasculating. It's great. You're gonna get your new tattoo in. Oh yeah. Yeah, it's a butterfly caught in a- Spider web. Spider web.

And I'm getting more. You should. Yeah, getting a skeleton with a knife. Yeah, you gotta go neck and chest for you. Nah. No? No. Guys, PayPass by Ferrucco is the song of the summer.

Yeah. This is the song of the summer. Who says that, John Stamos? Dude. Yeah! is the song of the summer yeah this is the song john stamos hot boy is that him that's him saying singing? God damn it, dude. That is awful. I cried my eyes out watching this as a child. Is this like the last episode where he fucks one of the twins?

I don't know. I didn't watch the show. It's the song he sings to his wife when he marries her. He sang this on the show? I gotta be honest. I feel like the wife, the hairy Italian, very mid for Josh. John. Whoa, dude. Lloyd Loughlin john whoa yeah in the 90s he was a thief gonna say becky kind of a bad breath face what yeah she's got she got asshole lips no no no no no and she's very mid no no no no no very good i think i think

the emotional connection you have to the show itself thinks like, oh, that's the hot girl. I'm usually with you on a bad breath face or coffee face. Yeah. But if you look at the gamut. Lori Loughlin. She was the one that got in trouble for the college thing. I know. She went to prison for like a month, right?

Yeah. What happened to her kid? The kid that didn't do any homework. She knew her tests. Did you see the documentary on that? On what? Where they took legitimate testimony in phone calls and reenacted it. Every piece of dialogue was said in phone calls that the FBI recorded. And it was like a whole movie on it.

It was really interesting. Yeah, I saw the doc. Yeah. I mean, the whole thing is kind of stupid. Yeah. What do you mean? Them cheating the system? Rich people getting their dumb fucking

kids the whole system is cheatable everyone's cheating it like the schools have like like i guess like a more legitimate way to donate like 10 million dollars to get your kid into the yeah yeah that's how rich people do it as opposed to the cheap way of doing it which is just having paying a guy 100 grand to take you get a fucking you get an Asian it looks nothing like it jump in and go he's like Tommy Pope yeah and he crushes the SATs like the Christopher Maltesanti thing in Sopranos

they used to do that when he's like getting his CPA license and like Christopher Maltesanti and the guy's like hello that's how they did it yeah and then a couple people joined a sailing team and quit. Which is like, who cares?

But for college, like SAT entry exams, you would have separate facilities you could go to. It wasn't like a homeroom where you recognize Peggy or fucking John. You would go to

friends of his that are comics in Philadelphia. I. Or fucking John. Like you would go to like a- Phyllis is naming friends of his that are comics in Philly. I only know six guys. Peggy or John. There's six names in Philadelphia. Or Sydney. Yeah. There's like four or five dudes. There's seven Toms, seven Bryans.

Matt, Mike, Tom. Mike, Pat. Yeah. When I took my SATs, there was a kid who was the biggest wigger of all time. Can you bleep this? In Delaware? Delco. who was the biggest wigger of all time can you bleep this in delaware delco he was such dude what do you get on this sat's hot sauce there was a there was a girl there was a girl with diabetes who went on stage and without any irony he was like yes man it's fucked up why she allowed on stage with her pager and they made me throw mine out and i'm like

that's for her diabetes he's like is that a pager and i was like vince i love you in a sense in the sats i let him borrow a's like, yeah, you gotta take an insulin shot. 911. 911. 911. 911. They both get 911 pages. That means I got the good shit coming in as a drug dealer. Or I'm dying. Dude, the SATs, I gave him a pencil, he finished in 20 minutes, breaks it and goes,

I'm out, and threw it on the ground. I was like, that's my pencil. What'd he get? What'd he get? Addicted to Oxycontin. Damn. A scholarship to jail university. I was like, what'd he get? What'd he get? Addicted to Oxycontin? Damn. A scholarship to jail university?

Is he dead? Yes. Oh, okay. Him and his brother. Really? Murder, suicide. Drugs. Via test.

Dude. Too much Faygo? Yeah. His dad had a dance. Did he kill him with a number two pencil? His dad had a dance. There was like some scuffle. He stepped on a girl's foot and elbowed her in the fucking nose because she pushed his son. Did the girl die?

No, she's doing great. Look, it's great. Everybody needs that. Maybe bleep this. It doesn't matter who you are. Everybody needs a good fucking elbow in the face. I bet you she got her act together. I mean, she really got better at basketball that season.

I'll tell you that much. Maybe her social awareness was all out of whack and he's like, I'm gonna fix this bitch's walk. She shouldn't have put her hands on his boy. Yeah. Yeah, if your son gets pushed by a girl, you gotta let him figure that out. Yeah, you gotta let him elbow her.

Yeah, yeah. You can't do that. No, you can't really step in like you're teaching them how to swing a bat at tee ball. Right. He stepped on her toe and elbowed her so she got trapped in the parking lot. That sucks.

That's a pretty good move, though. She kept her in position. Yeah, that's a fucking move, dude, that you use on a man your size. He ain't going nowhere. No, no. You can't use that on a man your size because their foot will come out. That's like someone who's used to hitting little kids. What do you mean their foot will come out?

Stepping on someone's foot and shoving them is like an eighth grader to a fifth grader move. Hilarious. The greatest move in grade school. But it's not you do that to other adults. If he was a good dad, he would have made his son bend over behind her and push her. Yeah. We had this thing called the tabletop where we'd mesh pants, everybody.

Obviously, everybody got pants. What? Obviously. You guys never got pants. What you would pants? What? Obviously. You guys never got pants? Who are these people? What are you talking about? Grade school, everybody got pants.

You get your fucking little bird of wang fucking flopping around. No, no. In the grade school, yeah. I mean it happened, but not everyone got pants. It wasn't a rite of passage. If I saw you bopping around the way you are, all lackadaisically, nonchalant, pants right to the fucking ankles.

First of all, I do not walk lackadaisically nonchalant. You walk like an old Asian man and you fucking know it. With purpose, conscientious. Tied shoe while thinking about the SATs you're gonna cheat on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All on the tabletop was you get some dude, if you double up, I've seen it before, seen some dude get pants and tabletop at the same time.

It's the funniest fucking thing in the world. What? So you go- That sounds like the Dudley Brothers finishing move. Dude, in the 90s, everybody wore- Shorts come flying out. Yes, everybody wore loose fitting boxers. The old school boxer, not briefs, just boxers.

Oh yeah. Which are just mesh shorts, like loose. Yeah, and your bird would go through the hole. Right. Drip him down. His bird's out, he's already fucking, and then some dude is posted up, tabletop behind him, push him over, now his wang's doing a 360

in front of the entire screen. Well yeah, also because of that positioning, it makes your dick smaller. Oh my God, oh my God. You're trying to like scary up your fucking pants. Yeah, beautiful. That's how you really like someone's attitude. Yeah.

Tabletop him. Tabletop. I haven't seen that in a while. Yeah. I love fight videos. I'm going to tabletop you. Nobody's tabletopping anybody anymore. I haven't seen it in forever.

You never got pushed over? What about like a sweet delight? No, I got tabletopped. I got tabletopped. Well, we called it park benching somebody. Yeah. Yeah. We got park benched for sure.

You never got pantsed? I got pantsed. Yeah. But it wasn't all the time every day like it was. No pan down, I want Bush. My grandfather. Is that like Police Academy? Remember that?

It was like pan down, I want Bush. No. It was an Asian guy in Police Academy. He said pan down, I want Bush. Yeah, it was an Asian guy. Pan down, I want Bush. It wasn't an Asian guy in Police Academy? Maybe it wasn't Police Academy.

It was one of those 80s, 90s movies that were wild. They could say whatever the fuck they wanted. Oh, like Revenge of the Nerds or something? Yes. Pan down. Pan down. I want Bush. Is he talking to a camera guy? Yeah. Who's he telling to pan down? Well, ladies in the shower. Like pan down a camera?

Pan down. Panties down. Pan down. I want Bush. Guys. This sounds like a dream. It's not. We'll get some fucking comments. You're on set. God damn it.

I can't believe I don't fucking remember. There's an Asian director. He's like, pan down, I want Bush. You look down, your dick's going, you got a pussy. You get tabletop. You're going like. Pants, tabletop. Dude, can you please just search pan down, want bush to get i hope it doesn't exist

it does exist i know it i know for a fact it doesn't yes it does welcome back ian thank you for having me it's good to see you it's good to be here what is that dude i can't get enough of pay pass john stamos pay pass what's pay pass pay pass it's the song it's like a new thing you use to get he just got back from austin he's all Dude, I can't get enough of Pay Pass. John Stamos. Pay Pass. What's Pay Pass? Pay Pass. It's the song in the summer. Sounds like a new thing you use to get through the tolls. He just got back from Austin. He's off.

He's off. Oh. No, Pay Pass is, it's a hit. The lyrics are the fucking best lyrics. You mean what? Revenge of the nerds. Revenge of the nerds. I was right.

Yeah. Pan down, I want Bush. What are you saying? The fucking ugly dude. the nurse. I was right. Pan down. I want Bush. Who's saying it? The fucking ugly dude. With the short hair. To make that your text message ring. I mean 100%. I would love to. I am so

happy to be back in the interim since I've been here. We have gone fishing. I want to go again. Yeah. And Tommy has begun to wear his own merch. Oh, yeah. Well, we only have a couple.

Yeah. Yes. You'll probably wear my merch. My merch. His own merch. I was going to bring a mirror and go, who do you think you are? But there's one right here.

Yeah, I can see you. Look into it and tell me why. You shit ass old bitch. Are you Tommy Shirt? It's a nice shirt. I'm very, I'll tell you this right now. Is that your shit? Oh dude, yes.

And all are the same with his eight different personalities. They're all alive too. I'll tell you this right now. It's a nice fit. It makes me happy. If I wore my own merch, you would bully me mercilessly. 100%.

Yes. So what's your merch? It's shirts with my face. Bingo. Exactly right. Great question, Chris. It is a different vibe. Yeah.

You have the tabletop of merch. I have merch that actually looks like a decent shirt that anyone can wear. It's not like zany, like wow. You leave those shirts for just a regular Tuesday. It's all of comedy fucking merch. This is a nice shirt. You can't tell what it is. The more compliments he gets on shirts in the YouTube, the more extravagant these outfits

are going to become for sure. You damn right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Last week they loved his shirt. I know he's been thinking about it all week. Next week, sleeveless turtleneck. I love this stuff. Mesh turtleneck.

Mesh turtleneck to Laugh House Pipeline of your outfits. Just straight up like wearing clothes like black people. You're going to come in in a purple suit and be like, oh, what it is now, Chris? You ever hear of table top? Now look here. One guy standing in front, one guy standing in back. You refuse to take out your Bluetooth

earpiece. Always blinking blue but never talking to anybody. Damn, dude. Oh, thank God for old black dudes they're the best they're the greatest the greatest anytime you give a head nod to a black guy in the neighborhood they go all right now yeah yeah you do it to a white guy in the neighborhood they go yeah dude this guy this guy in uh austin was uh was heckling me on the street. This black dude, he's like, yo, Philly. Yo, Philly.

I was wearing this hat. He goes, yo, Philly. Love Philly, man. South Street. Delaware. Yes. And I wasn't turning around. I was just looking for her.

And I was walking with this girl. And he goes, yo, Philly. Drop something. And that got me. I was like, there's no way. But I still got him. He turned around. He goes, me, I was like, there's no way, but I still got, he turned around and goes, little mama looking fly. It was amazing.

I'd like to think that dude just knew all specific locations of every city. So anytime someone walked by, you have to like, Cincinnati, Cincinnati. Market Street. Let me see them Cincinnati, Cincinnati. Market Street. Yeah. Let me see them fat ass shoes, Cincinnati. Cuyahoga Terminal. You dropped your couture, scotch you.

Oh shit. You dropped some. Lil' Molly can fly. My license plate on my Toyota Camry used to be iAnimal. My mom got it for me as a vanity tag and i was trying that's merch for a car that's wearing your own fucking show for a car i used to get bullied when i were construction they'd be like you're an adult man what'd you do the animals show yeah dude in a parking in Philly

and a black guy, he's across the street going, you got an animal? You got an animal? Thank you. You got an animal? What was your job on the site? On the construction site? Yeah.

Well, I was an apprentice and then I became a carpenter. Really? Mm-hmm. I'm so sad. That is so funny. Just seeing you genuinely like, yeah, and then I became a carpenter. What? So proud.

I'm kicking my little ass. Can I get it out of me? Please. I feel... It makes me feel comfortable. It does feel like a kid that has cancer and everyone's shaving their heads in grade school. Come on, come on, Chris. Just a head on a Muppet body. Dude, we should have two high chairs next time we're here.

You got it, animal. You got it. You just trying to touch your feet to the ground? You got it, you got it, you your feet to the ground. You got it. You got it, you can do it. This couch is giving me a wedgie that my flame underwear is showing. Yeah.

Yeah, those flame workout underwear, they're ponies. Ponies, I got them at a Ross in Santa Monica because I used it as a bathing suit. I got it at Ross. Yeah. That is a fucking dynamite find. I'm a big fan of TJ Maxx, big fan of Marshalls, as my mom calls it.

Where'd you get that shirt? This? Are you gonna set me up for a joke now? The gay man store. Did you get it in the dress like a fool? Everybody's being a piece of shit right now. I got tabletop to the marshal. You're a real piece of shit.

All I've been doing is complimenting these dog shit tattoos trying to bring you back to life after you died a month ago. I like the fact that it was a genuine question. You're like, what are you fucking with me now? I wasn't fucking with you. I had you. Where'd you get it? Zora.

Oh. That is kind of the gay man story. In the past, my prime section. I'm fine. I will say, I learned my- Don't look at me. Don't, don't. I see the Terminator eyes.

I'm ready. I'm fucking ready. You guys have fully plugged me in and charged me up. I am fucking ready. Yes. Who plugged me in and charged me up. I am ready. Yes. Who wants it? Now it's a back order. Burke, you're back to do it. I need you to clap for every piece of asshole bitch. Bring it on, brother.

He tried to play it off like it was a normal head movement, but he scanned me. Oh, he clocked you in R&B. Yeah. Yes. I like the shirt. Here's my thing now. Those shirts are great, but none of them come with pockets anymore. You need a pocket. I love a front pocket for the cigarettes. Just for stuff. Yeah.

Sunglasses. Stuff Island, front pocket shirt. There's a shirt on there. Is it front pocket? I got no front pocket. We're thinking about it. You need it with a front pocket and then I'll rip it off to prove on the alpha. Oh, I like that. And underneath is another stuff island label just to see who's badass out there.

Front pocket on a t-shirt, chances of losing sunglasses go down 85%. 85% drop. Dude, front pockets are so useful. When you get to an age, you've done this years ago. You started wearing a fanny pack before others. Yes. I commend you for that. Thank you.

You also started sucking dick at the same time. Hey, if I bought stock in that, buddy, I'd be rich, brother. My butt's back in Tranny Ansel. Stock's still going up like Jitcoin. How you doing? There's a merch T for you, huh? Jitcoin. You suck dick? I do huh? Chit coin. You sucked it?

I do too. Chit coin. Point is- You can't have movement on shirts. You can't. If you're looking deep into the eyes- Tommy makes a gift shirt. No, it's like one of those old school baseball cards where it's like as you walk by-

Oh, yeah. How come they don't have- As you change the angle. Remember the Mustang with multi-colors? Where like it went from purple to green? Oh dude, I had a buddy, El Camino. He had a car just like it. Wow.

Yup. Holy fuck. My dad would fight that dude for that car. Dude, he sunk so much money into this thing. To this day, he's still doing it. He can't even drive it. He is such a moron. He was on unemployment.

He kept buying motorcycles. Yeah. Is that the sedan slash pickup truck thing? An El Camino? Yeah. What's an El Camino? Yeah. It's exactly that.

Okay. All right. No, you're right. But like, no one's ever put the El Camino. El Camino. Hang on,

I didn't question it. I described its features. It's beautiful. I like it. I'm not saying I'm against it. It's got all the, it's got all the party characteristics. Have you ever drag raced one of those? No, I like it. I'm not saying I'm against it. It's got all the party characteristics. Have you ever drag raced one of those? No, I haven't.

I'm not from Delaware. We used to go down to Maryland, do the quarter mile. Drag racing? Would you get up to like 45, 48 miles per hour? Damn. 11.5, he did. Carpenter drag racing. You are an animal. Yeah, dude. Carpenter drag racing.

You are an animal. Yeah, I got it animal. Just beating off with sawdust on the outskirts. I cover up the comb with sawdust. Who were the mini puke? Don't ask questions. Dude, one time I asked my boss, I go, I'm going to cut up all this lumber. No one got a saw inside.

He goes, why don't we use your teeth? I was like, Gene, that hurts. I don't know. Is that supposed to be insulting? Because I got big teeth. Yeah, he does have chompers, dude. Yeah. I don't see it.

What do you mean you don't see it? I don't think his teeth are any bigger than usual. Well, thank you. What? What are these dice, dude? You got two and a half times the size of dice we have. Look at those fucking things. I'm a two bag a day smoker, look.

Yeah. If he didn't have that fucking, that push brew mustache, those things would be firing out of his skull. That's why I got to have it. Yeah. I don't like my upper lip. It's the same people that have cleft palates. They grow their nose hair out to protect the top. Let me see your top teeth.

Why did you show up like that? You got to curl in. I want you to see my gums. You're like, you're just smiling. I can't even. I can't even. I can't even. Dude. This is an normal nice teeth.

Not that face you're making. I'm going to realign them though. I'm going to get. Nah. Yeah. Are you going to get veneers? No. Jesus Christ.

Game show teeth. Game show teeth. You're going to look like Matt Dillon in there. Something about Mary. Oh my God. Gob it up jumpers. You ever fucking, you ever Googled Ben Affleck's baby teeth before you got veneers?

What? He's got little tiny chiclets. No. Check it out. How does someone wind up Googling Ben Affleck's baby teeth? That's probably because I was- Your encyclopedic knowledge of weird things is incredible. I know.

It's great. Hand down, Bush. Ben Affleck baby teeth. That's an iconic movie. Every athlete's dick. He's seen every athlete's dick. Really? I can shape it out of mashed potatoes. Name an athlete.

You try to watch the masters on Sunday with this guy. He's like, you seen that guy's dick? You're like, what? That guy's got his dick online? He's like, yeah. I don't even know what the caddies look like. Dude, you could blindfold me and be like, oh, Derek Jeter. Oh my God.

Derek Jeter. That's amazing. Like a guy in the military can assemble a gun really fast. You're doing that molding a man's penis. The fact that Derek Jeter could knock around a model. What are you? Yeah, he's got totally fine teeth. His baby teeth. He doesn't have baby teeth.

Old teeth. Those are normal teeth. Go to his old teeth. I'm going to his old teeth teeth. He doesn't have baby teeth. Old teeth. Go to his old teeth. I'm going to his old teeth. It's a young picture of him. His teeth look fine. Baby teeth. He's got fake veneers. Good Will Hunting, he's got the little teeth.

He's got tiny teeth. Baby teeth. He just finally brushed them. No, I think he's... Look, you guys, we... They're spaced out. They're all spaced out a little bit. Ben, let's look up Ben F. like teeth goodwill hunting.

Baby teeth. The kid's got baby fucking teeth. That's why I got him redone. His agent was like, you need to fix your mouth. They are tiny teeth. Let me see. Wow, Tommy's two for two. What are we doing here?

Wow. They are tiny teeth. They look like the mouth of the guys, the Goomba guys from the Mario movie. You think you got his teeth? Redundant. What's the surgery there? You pull the gums back or you extend the teeth? No, you gotta shave. Just like when you get veneers,

you shave your teeth down to like little pieces. Little nods. Oh, like that picture of Hunter Biden. Little nodules, yes. Little Legos, yeah. Hunter Biden. Little male Lego pieces. Derek Jeter would knock around a 10 piece, leave leave it with a gift basket, with an autographed

baseball. Yes. I thought you were talking about McNuggets or something. I can't wait until you start doing that with your shirts. I look like I came out of a bedroom offering a gift basket. Meanwhile, I'm just hanging around fucking hairy idiots. Getting no cummies off. What would you put in your post-coital gift basket?

Great question, Christopher. Wow. That is a good question. Welcome back to Austin. Glad to see the purple-haired cunts didn't get to you. I would do- Dude, Austin rules, by the way. Yes, it's great.

Austin's fucking awesome. No, it's great. It's great. It's in August, Creek in the Cave. And everyone's there like, used to be cool. It's like, oh, really? Awesome rules. Before the way. Yes, it's great. Awesome fucking rules. No, it's great. It's great. In August, creaking the cave. And everyone's there like used to be cool. It's like, oh really? Awesome rules. Before all the new buildings and hot chicks showed up.

Let me get back to my basket. A lot of gals easy down there. Like Sunday morning. They look tough. I would do. Anyway, yeah. All right, what's your gift basket? Amino acids.

Jesus Christ. Ow. You got to get right back at it. In the morning, she's your gift basket? Amino acids. Jesus Christ. Ow. You gotta get right back at it. In the morning, she's gonna be depleted. You know what I'm saying? Cranberry pills? That's the song that I'll be playing as you pass me. And before you eat her pussy, you go, come on down.

I would number everything. I'm like, take some amino acids. This will get you out my fucking door. Well, that waking me up. Because I'm going to have a sleep mask on. Protects the eyelashes. I got a new one. I'll talk about that later.

You can't see the fucking bridge shore we got the night before. I'm going to give her a little sandwich. Something that can carry. You know, salted meats. Salted meats? Yeah. In the morning? Something that can carry. She know, salted meats. Salted meats? Yeah. In the morning? Something that can carry.

She's not leaving in the morning. She's leaving at 2 p.m. I told you I'm getting an A. This is not a skedaddle at 8 a.m. This is a 2 p.m. exit. You don't think she has a job? She's going to waddle like a penguin out of here and she's going to hold her basket. I got a super side, dry Genoa salami, sharp probe, little lemon vinaigrette.

I'm going to give it a half on a seeded roll. Something fresh. Heavily wrapped in saran wrap, not foil because I want air to expand and keep it fresh. Is she going to have to go in the fridge to pull this out? Or you know- No, that's why I said salted jelly meats. Sweaty meats. Ian. Sweaty meats.

My door helper will have this ready for her with a bow on it and a bow around his fucking dumb neck. And he's also eating the second half. Excuse me, Megan, before you go. Megan, Mr. Tommy wants you to have this. Hello, my baby. Hello, my darling dolly, hello my ragtime doll. God l'amaze Mr. Tommy. I don't like any of this gift basket.

All right, well I'm not done yet. I'm not done yet. Best Buy gift card in case her. In case her phone dies. On the way home. Tommy's like, if you need to charge up that IUD. See that would be a good idea. A little extra battery charger with a USB.

Yeah. Think of all the things. What about an iPod shuffle? Some ibuprofen. Maybe some Vagazine. A 10-pack of packet tops baseball cards. Just so she knows how big that is. Keep it.

Three or four bazooka Joe. So she can read the cartoons. Skull straight, a hat that doesn't fit her. A myth that's not broken. A side headshot. Stay cool. Time to poop. A vortex football. Time to cope.

A vortex football. The essentials, guys. Now. I want her to feel special. Sweatpants. Yeah. Sweatpants. That's good.

In the summer. Sweatpants, hoodie, or booty shorts. Yeah. Yep. That's nice. Yeah. Like what nail salons give these chicks to these little piglets to bop out

with their nails done. You know? Fancy spunt. Sweatpants or water. A gift certificate to a place to get her nails done. Round Robin.

Yep. Yeah. Wow. What's happening to her nails? No, it's just a nice thing. Girls like getting that done. Breaking a few off. Here, have one on me, honey.

Yeah. Don't tell anyone about my stinky penis. This is true though. Girls like getting that done. Here, have one on me, honey. Don't tell anyone about my stinky penis. This is true, though. He does sign the baseball because he knows this will be worth something. Oh, of course. That's so smart. Is signed stuff worth stuff anymore? No. She'd have to live to 200

for his baseball sign to mean anything. Could you imagine falling on hard times? Still fucking other baseball players. Selling your conned in baseball gift. Yeah, there's got to be a level of shame there

where you're just looking at that basket going, I should get rid of it. Yeah, but I guarantee the ball, the signed ball is for like her brother to give to like a family member or something. Yeah, and she actually didn't fuck him. I don't know, I saw him at an event. Yeah. I sat on the third baseline.

Yeah, yeah. He calls his dick third baseline. She just got her butthole opened up like a door frame. Do you know I met and hung out with Lenny Dykstra years ago? I brought some sandals in the gift basket. Chris, he's talking about Lenny Dykstra. Fucking Christ. And he used to call.

How about a flower? One flower. Just to show you really care. How about some afrin if she has a stuffy nose? What? Ian's like, one time I did ketamine with Lenny Dycher. He's like, ooh, donuts. Fresh donuts. Shut the edible arrangement. Ooh, cantaloupe.

Every girl likes cantaloupe after they come all over the place. It's true. This got amino acids in it. There is. Natural amino. All right. Dykstra. Yeah.

I hung out with Lenny Dykstra. What's in his gift basket? Jesus Christ. Holy shit. A gun. A gun. A tooth. Yeah.

His gun. His different languages. Oh my God. Yeah. I decompose those things you make as a kid. Like there's been every guy. Okay. Dude, he's all, have you car wash company california okay dude he's oh have you seen he's a wild boy dude his cameo like ad is like he's a wild boy 86 match 93 philly's world series what i got in there mitch williams didn't blow it i got more pussy than god he's blown out all his cartilage in his notes. Fucking. So he has that, he loves on this. Lunatic, bro.

Yeah, I know. Loony fucking tune. I know. There's a chance I could get him on the phone right now. Yeah, call him. Really? Call Lenny. Jesus.

You know what question to ask. Wait, hold on. You know what question to ask. Before you call him, tell us the story is, how you have, why do you have his number? Hold on. Are you texting him or somebody that knows him? Someone that knows him.

Is it Pete Incavelia? When I asked for his number, he didn't give it to me. And then never talked to me again. Dude, I hung out with him. he is a complete human monster i know car aisle in new york city in 2008 before opening day the 2008 season uh i was at a party the night before i saw him on the street and i was wearing a lenny dykstra jersey and i went up to him. I was like, Lenny, let me go to your teacher. And all these people were talking to him. I go, Lenny, I teach at a public school. I'd love for you to come and talk to the kids.

He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you come to my hotel tomorrow and we'll talk about it. I'm like, all right. So me and my best friend go to his hotel, the Carlisle. I get up to the floor. I knock on the door. I'm expecting him to be like, oh, come on in. I hear, who is it?

I go, Ian. He goes, who the fuck is that? I go, I met you last night. He goes, ah, shit. Hold on. And he comes out the door in sweatpants. He's got an oatmeal stain on his shirt. It's not oatmeal.

Come in. That's hooker juice, dude. Oh, my God. Vomit for sure. Dude, immediately off the bat dropping M bombs. And I'm like, where did she walk into? He talks about fucking girls on the road and he goes, no, we called that little hit and run.

And we're watching America's next top model on TV. And they're taking pictures of girls in like a coffin. He goes, yeah, that's what I'm going to do tonight. Fuck a chick in a coffin. Wait a second. And you're sitting there, you're like, like I said last night, I represent an elementary school. I wanna have you come down.

I wanna be a carpenter. If you need a deck done. How the fuck? Okay, here's his number. Fire it up, dude. What do I say? You know, ask him. First of all.

If you had to leave a gift basket, a post-coital gift basket, what's in it? Tell him who you are first. let's see if he picks up hello hey lenny yeah hey this is ian finance uh we we talked a couple years ago uh when you're in new york city hey i'm on a podcast I was wondering if you had to leave a gift basket after a little hit and run action with a gal on the road, what would be in your gift basket? Wait, is this your podcast right now? Yeah.

Oh, I don't even know what you're talking about, bro. You have to call me back later. I have no idea. We hung out in your hotel room. That's a professional. Yeah. You got to give it to him, dude. That is a professional. Yeah. You got to give it to him, dude. That is a professional.

As soon as you said I'm on a podcast right now, I was like, fuck. I should have said no. You should have just asked a question. He would have answered. Yeah. If I could. I cannot believe that just happened. Are we going to not?

That was fucking amazing. I just called Lenny Dykstra. I'm so envious of that being his like blackout phrase. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because I just wish that was just my go-to when I was blacked out. I just kept going, dude, I don't even remember what you're talking about. You can talk to me later.

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, sorry. I was asking if you could do a podcast another time. Yeah. But I got your number from so-and-so. You can't talk to a dog brain like that. You just got to give them the facts and go,

yo, man, you're the fucking best. We hung out a little bit. Oh, yeah, you're right. Tell me how you would leave a hit and run. You're right. Because they have this fantasy. I should have been like, oh, I'm at a party right now with these guys.

Yes. Fuck! This guy is the Irox-y of human beings. Yeah. It's all show, but deep down, they're pieces of shit that are going to break down alone in a parking lot in Delaware. You know what? Len, stop.

Len, how you doing? I'm not on a podcast. You just spoke to my friend Ian. Yeah. You want to call him? No, I do not. Use your phone. Don't pick up.

If they do research and find two missed phone calls and then three bodies murdered because we set them off. Why do you think he always picks up? Do you think it's because he thinks he's a chick? He probably thinks he's someone with money. Because his fucking frontal lobe is jello. The guy is out of his skull. He's an absolute fucking warhead.

I can't believe we just talked to Lenny Duggan. I got a call from him. You're fucking a chick on the road. You're all here to run out. I know. He took that in stride. He really did take it in stride. Fuck. lady thug. You're fucking a chick on the road. You're all hit and run. He took that in stride.

He really did take it in stride. The way he did around second to third through the best years of Philadelphia history. I was just like Ray in Ghostbusters when Gozer was like, are you a god? And he's like, no. You're like, Winston, if someone asks if you're a god, you say yes. Someone asks if you're on a podcast, you say no. If you funneled in, I'm on a podcast

to the greatest lines in movie history, all of the endings would be like, I'm sorry, I can't answer that right now. I gotta go. Yeah. Why did I say I'm on a podcast? It's scary as fuck. Well, I thought he'd be like, oh, hey, and like turn it on.

Well, he knows it's gonna get clipped. I thought it was, I thought you were being fair to him. Yeah. I didn't want to like ambush him and have him not know. Yeah. And then he said that and then we would definitely post it.

Yeah. Yeah. And then we'd have little Lenny Dykstra's out front constantly trying to fist fight us. Like, is that illegal? What's the- I told him the truth. I can put my head down at night.

Yeah. And feel okay. You did. You did the right thing. Not for this podcast, but you did the right thing. But the comedian in you is like, I fucked him. The comedian in me, but the human in me is like, you did right, kid.

Yeah. Really? Now let me tell you how he said the M word. So. Do you remember the Carlisle 08? Remember he said he'd fucking chicken a coffin and then asked me if I get my dick sucked by the black man and use a term when you referred to her lips? Wait, so you went to his house?

To his hotel? His hotel. He goes, you know how this place is eight grand a night? I told him I'm not gonna pay it when I go, Lenny. That's the truth. Jesus Christ. Holy shit. So this was the same night you met him

and then you went to his hotel room. Dude, I wore a fucking button-up shirt to look professional. I really thought he was going to come to the school and give a speech on what it's like to work hard and think about your future because it was the time he was coming out with that Players Club magazine, which was supposed to give financial advice

for baseball players' retirement. And I swear to god like it was out of a fucking movie his assistant comes in we're hanging out and he goes lenny the proposal for morgan stanley's all fucked up the grammar's all off words are misspelled we can't get into it what are we gonna do and he goes my man ian's here as a teacher he's got a big swinging dick he'll fix it and i was like all right all right. So dude, I swear to God, I was writing out like three red underlines on uncapitalized words, like grammar shit,

giving it to my buddy. My buddy's typing it up. No fucking way. You edited it, the Players Club magazine. Hold on. I swear to God. And let me tell you, he leaves, take your time, do what you got to do. You're saving me.

Thank you. His assistant comes in an hour later. Hey, what's the timeline? I go, look, man, this is all fucked up. We're doing it the fast we can. Phone rings. Hey, Lenny. What the fuck are those guys doing in that room?

Get them the fuck out. He goes, okay, okay. Hey, Lenny just wants to know when you'll be da, da, da, da. We finish up, go go downstairs hear him yell again get those fucking assholes out of my room we go downstairs he goes oh you leaving already yeah and his friend goes let me go to the school what are you gonna tell him he goes what am i gonna tell him i'm lenny fucking dykstra suck my dick and i'm like len, it's high schoolers. He goes, you ever get a little head bob for homework?

Lenny, it's high school. And he's like, whatever. Call me tomorrow. I'll sign a ball. We'll talk. I call. Totally ghosted me. Silence. Wait, hold on. Were you actually representing a high school? No, I thought it would be. You thought it was just a lie to get into the room.

No, I was working at a high school. I was teaching high school. And so I thought it would be- You thought it was just a lie to get into the room. I was working at a high school. I was teaching high school. And so I thought like this would be a cool thing to have a New York Met come to this high school in the Lower East Side and like give a speech about, you know, like hard work and all this shit. You genuinely thought it'd be a good idea to have Lenny Dykstra show up at a high school?

Yeah, dude, I was a full blown alcoholic at the time. And I lost a teacher job because I kept showing up drunk, all right? What do you want from me, okay? They both thought the same way. Yeah, me and Len was a full blown alcoholic at the time and I lost a teacher job because I kept showing up drunk. All right. What do you want from me? Okay. Both thought the same way. Yeah.

Me and Lenny were fucked up. And after you showed up at the room and saw what you saw, there was still a piece of you that was like, this could work. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just made a call. We get a haircut, a shower.

It'll be fine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He surely won't say the M word in front of a hundred M words, you know? Yeah. God bless him though. I mean, he's a dick. No, fuck him.

Should I call him again? A cold shower will wake up that kilo of coke. Is he broke? He's gotta be broke. Should I text him? Hey, my bad, man. Here, you fire off the text. Yeah, hey, my bad, man.

We're not on a podcast. It's for a podcast to see if you want to come on and talk about it just fucking do it diddle it and then say hey we we heard about derrick jeter we love you you're the best we're wondering if you can what about what i mean we heard that's how it started derrick jeter used to give gift baskets to chicks he knocked around. Oh, yeah. Okay. What would be in your gift basket? You fuck a chick. Do you make a gift basket? Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, Len. Oh, Lenny boy. Sorry about that. You have a mean ass. It's so precise. Just nails everyone. It's the sandals. Yeah. Sandals. Yeah.

Make sure. The only difference is I don't sign a baseball. Make sure they're salted and cured because you're not going to be in the fridge in the morning. I don't give that bitch a baseball. I sign an orange. If she don't make me go goo-goo-ga-ga. You understand? Oh, shit. Yeah. I mean mean pat barrel is the the biggest legend of

oh dude what'd he say was he like uh he tried to fuck your assholes jealous uh-huh what was his line who barrels yeah he was fucking her pussy and was like i bet your ass is jealous yeah he used to uh here hold on i'm texting him. What? Dude, Beryl's the fucking, the king. I bet your asshole is jealous. Because he was fucking her pussy. Because he was fucking her pussy. No, no, I get that part. And then what are they supposed to say to that?

Yes, and then he fucks their ass, because they're idiots. Okay. Okay. Did you see that picture of him in S&M? Okay. He also, can we go back to that, what the fuck? What?

That was amazing, you process, okay. Well, it's just like, what kind of tiny dick dude, what woman, you have to have such a tiny dick for a woman to genuinely be like, yeah, my asshole's jealous. No, like, I'm fucking you so good, you want me to fuck you in the ass? I bet your ass is jealous of your little pussy.

That's gonna hurt. Well, it's not about the size. My asshole's not jealous. This guy lived in a different. No, the asshole's jealous because he's not getting dicked down like the pussy. Yes got a big dick, that's gonna hurt. Well, it's not about the size. My asshole's not jealous. This guy lived in a different. No, the asshole's jealous because he's not getting dicked down like the pussy. Yes. I know, but it's. So, asshole would you-

You're thinking logically. This is a maniacal- This is why I don't talk in bed. This is, nobody really should. This guy is so maniacal, he would just pick up chicks from like Irish pubs after games. And he's known, his count is absurd he would take

a regular girl fuck him in the bathroom or take him to his hotel and he would after fucking was like he would swing a bat in the hotel room like you know what you know you just fucked pat barrel really he would speak in third person this is a legend of of Pat Perl. One time I was on a playground and a kid taught you and goes, my uncle's Mike Schmidt. I just gave you AIDS. Is that your Little League game? What's that got to do with Mike Schmidt? Like 92. It's just

funnier than this Pat Perl. Pat Perl sucks. Yeah. Pat Perl rules. He's a dickhead. What? He is a dickhead. Have you seen a bat? If he was cool, he'd him? Swing a bat? If he was cool, he'd swing his dick like a bat. Be like, oh, I just knocked it out of the park. But he did.

Hey. You don't think it's funny to touch a kid on the shoulder and be like my uncle? My uncle's Mike Schmidt. I just gave you AIDS. I just gave you AIDS. Yeah. Guess so. I want to tabletop that dude.

It's funny. My uncle's Mike Schmidt. Oh, cool. I just gave you AIDS. Oh, no. Dude, step on his tail and push him. Yeah. I want to tabletop that dude. It's funny. My uncle's like, shit. Oh, cool. I just gave you AIDS.

Oh, no. Step on his tail and push him. Hey, did you ever see that picture of Pat Burrell dressed like a gimp with two hot chicks on Zoom? Yes. Have you seen it? Check it out, Jimmy. Let me tell you a very short- Have you seen Pat Burrell's death?

Pat Burrell's story. No. Bird text years ago, John and I, McKeever did a- Yeah, great sketch. We did a sketch called Don't Get Barreled. Yes, that was great. Don't Let Your Girl Get Barreled. I remember that.

Sarah McLachlan background music. You know, it was a montage of Pat Barrow's coming back for his Hall of Fame announcement. Yeah, his Philly's Hall of Fame announcement. Philly's Hall of Fame announcement. Hall of Fame of striking out looking announcement. At that time, I was dating this monster that's now dating my brother, Little Piglet.

Nuh-uh. Yes. Wait, is that the girl I stayed at her place? And we did comedy. What would you do? Hey, Little Birdie, chill the fuck out. Was her asshole jealous? Yo, everybody chill out.

God damn it, Chris. We're gonna miss on that one. I'm Chris O'Connor. So on the date, we released this- I'm thinking more about these gift baskets. We released this sketch and we get a text from his manager. We get an email to our bird text at gmail.com. It's like, hey, Pat really loves the sketch. It's just Pat talking to the person.

Well, that's what he said. He's like, I'm Pat's manager. We'd love to thank you and the girl. What's the girl's email address? She was great. What? She's like literally in the background of the whole thing. And I was like, oh shit, he's trying to pounce.

In Pat Barrow form, this dude's trying to fucking knock around my girl. So now I'm telling McGee where he's like we can't we can't i'm like no you should have made a fake email and then it was already a fake email so then another guy like three days later goes hey this is pat prattle's agent so what we found out is pat is technologically retarded like everything else he does he's so dumb he's dumb as shit never had to use any type of computer he's telling all his boys in the room just like this going i like this bitch i want to fuck her send an email to these guys tell them i want to thank her in the 80s ask for her number i have a conversation with my then girlfriend who's now your brother's girlfriend please you can't she's like well what's problem? He just wants to say thank you.

Oh my God. And I was like, that was a sign. I was like, this girl is garbage. Yeah. Because she said yes and accepted the number. He just wants to take me to dinner. Yeah. He just has a simple question.

My asshole is jelly. Here's the ending. We get free tickets to his ceremony. He goes, we'll put you in the family section so me her i don't know if i don't remember if mckeever was there or not we had like four tickets in the family section of his retirement where he's in the box above us and he's trying to meet us afterwards to go to this like club or whatever. And he's texting her. And I'm like, dude. Oh my God.

He's just trying to fuck you. What's he texting her? Well, where are you guys at? You want to come to, come up to my family suite. He's trying to get us up to the family suite. I'm like, this guy, you gotta give it to him. He lives his whole life like this.

He just picks and chooses. Yeah. Like a goddamn produce section. Yeah, what do you mean you got to give it to him? Did you let her? No. You didn't let him feel the melons like a produce section? She probably did.

Honk, honk. Eventually. Dude, I would be- Disgusting pig monster. I would be an absolute emotional wreck. Oh, dude, it was- No, I was just, I would be an absolute emotional wreck. Oh, dude. In that situation. No, I was just, she's not going to go anywhere.

What? Oh, I would be just the pseudo confidence popping up into just total insecurity. I would just be like, you're being elevated by somebody going, you're getting recognized by the guy you're making fun of in a late way going like, he's known for getting a lot of women. Dude of that sketch is trying to steal my girl. Yes. It's inception. Bro. It's pussy inception.

This guy is doing exactly what we wrote the sketch about. Dude, do you blame him? And it works. And she was like, well, he just wants to say thank you. And I'm like, pfft, later. say thank you. And I'm like, later. Oh my God. In that moment, my head, my heart, my bird checked out. It'd be so sick if all you guys had GoPros on your heads and that was the second sketch. Like I told you, cut.

She's just getting plowed in a Hilton. Right when he makes his move, it'd be so sick to yell cut. Bro, I'd have taken her phone and been like, yeah, let's blah, blah, blah. And then I would have been waiting for him. Yeah. What do you think of this? Then I would have sucked him to teach him a lesson. She's not going to suck your dick, I will.

I got news for you. You want to get to her? You wanna get to her, you gotta go through me first. And let me tell you something, pal. My asshole, she's real jealous. Before even sucking him off, there's no holes entered. My asshole's jealous. He's not even doing anything. He's just signing a baseball.

My asshole's jealous. He's with his family. Your jaw's wired shut, you're like, what are we gonna do about this? His wife's like, again, Jesus Christ. Tommy, I think you should call Lenny. Give it to me. Oh my God.

Because if he gets pissed, that'll be funny, right? That's funny too, yeah. There's no shot of him answering the fucking phone a second time. Same number. No shot. No, different number. Oh, you mean mine? Yeah.

Oh, hey, calling from a car wash. Oh, you mean mine? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, hey, calling from a car wash. You're all recording radio voice. A car wash that's still open. Hey, welcome to WNIJ. Yeah. We're all 104.3. I mean, we're just a couple of guys.

Yeah, I'm just an owner of a car wash that doesn't do crack. Oh. Would you like to answer a few questions? Well, I'll be in your basket if you fuck a lady dry. Where we at right now? 49. All right, cool. Give me a phone.

I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. a few questions? Well, it'd be in your basket if you fucked a lady dry. Where are we at right now? 49. All right, cool. Give me a phone. You're going to call from my phone? I'll call from your phone.

No, no, call from your phone. I texted him. Call from my phone. What'd he say? He didn't respond. Yeah, he's done. He's done. I'm trying to fucking pull the cord on this little midget. He'll get wild. He'll headbutt some fucking poor waitress or somebody.

He's probably getting all racked up somewhere. You know what I mean? You're just scared to call. Yeah. I like this. The shit in seventh grade would have got me going. Some poor waitresses. Yeah.

Yeah. Chris, call. You're making excuses. What's the number? You're going to call? Yeah. Or should we call from my number? You're going to call? Yeah. Or should we call from my phone? You should call from your phone.

Hey, sorry about that. Do you think you're in his phone or something? Yeah, the fact that he answered anything. Crazy. That just shows you how nuts he is. This guy's probably got so many bill collectors calling him all day long. And he answered your phone. This dude's millions of dollars in debt.

He's ruined 17 businesses. Lenny Dykstra, you've won. Let's just give him a text one more time and go, call this number back and you win $15,000. Is this Lenny Dykstra? You've won. The bubbler shirt's clear against the sweepstakes. Give her our address, she just shows up. 47-30 Avenue-Road Street, Queens. He walks in, he's like, only one question stands in your way. What would you put in a basket

after knocking the teeth out of an old bat? If you're fucking a woman's pussy, would her ass be jealous? What, me? Yeah, yeah. It help him? He did sound like he was in rough shape. Yeah. I know. I know. Is it elder abuse if we call him again? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How old is Lenny Dykstra? I thought you were calling me Siri. Lenny Dykstra is 59 years old. Wow. Right in the middle, baby. Right in the middle. 60.

He was a young boy. I mean, here. He looks like he's 70, though. All that steroid use. Actually, I don't know. This is an abusive trust. I just got his number from a friend. I shouldn't be giving him the number. Oh, and the friend would be pissed if we were doing this?

I wonder. What did you say to your friend to get the number? Can you give me Lenny Dyche's number? I want to fuck with him. In the middle of a podcast, he goes, sure, boom. Alright, so he knows. That dude rules. Do we know?

You do. Oof. We have to keep you quiet? Really? Damn, dude. We have such a great history. Yeah. Isn't that great? Yeah.

We're communicating without talking. Yeah. Good to have you back. Shut up, Chris. Yeah, Chris. Talking to my friend. The men are talking without talking. Yeah.

Yeah. It just starts. Yeah. Just start speaking. Just start speaking in silent baseball. You gonna steal his dick? Chris, shut the fuck up. Chris, shut up. He's not doing anything. I gotta piss, but we're not done.

He's gotta pee, but we're not done. Well, I gotta read these ads. We're not done with this ad. Well, I got to read these ads. Yeah. Oh, ad reads? Yeah, yeah. Sheath.

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Use promo code STUFFISLAND to get 20% off your first order. Sheath stands behind all of their products with 100% money back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com. Promo code Stuff Island. Get sheath underwear and let them support your balls. Let's call Lenny and tell him to buy sheath underwear. All right. It's a post-coital gift, the sheath bag.

That's a good idea. It is. Yes. Yes. That's in the bag. That's in the bag. Nintendo Switch. That's in the bag. Yes. Yes. That's in the bag. That's in the bag. Nintendo Switch. That's in the bag.

Really? Yup. If I'm balling like that, Nintendo Switch, sheath, gift card too, nails done. You're fucking a milf. I am me too proof. Yeah. You know?

Sure. And also I am because I would never do that. And I'm a kind guy. Yeah. You also sent a voice I would never do that. And I'm a kind guy. Yeah. He also said a voice recording of everything you talked about. A full deposition. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just a stenographer.

A transcript of the evening's discussion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Highlighted parts where I sound good. She's like, I like your apartment that's highlighted released republican assumption i asked you is your asshole jealous you said yes a little creative license uh let's call Lenny. Also go to BetterHelp. True. Who the fuck are you to be giving advice on BetterHelp? I just signed up.

I got my... You know it's a scam. I got my... It's not a scam. They sell your info. Everyone's selling your info. Right? How do you know they're selling your info?

Because I read a headline. They're selling... What kind of info are they going to get from me? What you tell your therapist. What am I going to tell her? About this conversation? About those fucking spiders in your brain? Lenny Dykstra's phone number?

No, they sell like your, you know, it's like ad sales. My health information. You know, like when you sign up for like Facebook or something like that. Yeah, Lenny, if you somehow stumble upon this episode and you saw the call, you sounded like you're in distress. Yeah. Life is full of twists and turns, stress, changes, and grief. Moments of growth and moments where we feel like we're taking a few steps back, like answering

a phone call from a number you don't know. True. In hopes that it's a chick that you're going to fuck. Give a gift basket. Hey Lenny, I want to fuck. Hello? Lenny that it's a chick that you're going to fuck. Give a gift basket. Hey, Lenny. I want to fuck. Hello? Lenny, it's me.

Hello? Lenny, it's me. You know what? He's sleeping upside down in the bathroom. Lenny, I was fingering myself to game five in the 86 World Series. My dick is so wide and my pussy is so wide. My pussy is wider than Bill Buckner's legs. He's got a flip phone in his mouth.

Hello? Lenny, let's meet Daryl, Doc, and Moogie. Come meet us at the Gray Stallion, which is a bar. What do you mean? Tobacco flavor flapjacks? Lenny, I want you to eat my pussy like Big Red. Lenny, all you have to do is go to Better Health. Better Health. Sl. Better help.

Slash Stuff Island. That's better help H-E-L-P. Actually, you got to say that part real. Better help to get 10% off. Why? Why? It's betterhelp.com slash Stuff Island. That's better help H-E-L-P.

Yeah. H-E-L-P. Better help. I've been saying better help. Over 2 million people have taken charge of their mental health. Why are you mocking this? This is true. I know, I know, but I'm trying to pitch it to Lenny.

Oh, you're trying to reach out to Lenny specifically. So many people have been using better health. Damn, I'm hard as fuck, dude. That's recruiting additional therapists in all 50 states. Lenny, you're the therapist. How do you think Lenny comes he comes to Harry Callas narrated Deep left shoulder blade. That comes early. I bet it's more like... Grand slam. All right. Lenny Dykstra.

I bet it's more like, I'm done. Can you wipe me? Can you help me wipe? Lenny Wypstra. I came and I crapped. My name is Lenny Dykstra. What's the deal for BetterHelp? 10% off the first month? 10% off the first month?

10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash Stuff Island. Seriously, get some fucking help. Yeah, dude. Get some fucking help. Yeah. We should be telling people to get help. Yeah. And give out your-

Look how healthy we are. Yeah. This is crazy. Yeah. We need to be less carpentry and more emotional and psychological help. That's why you go to BetterHelp.com. That's why you go to betterhelp.com. That's why you go to betterhelp.com.

And then grab the underwear that separates your dick from your balls. And if this- This is all in unison. Separate your aid from your ego, like your dick from your balls, the sheath underwear at betterhelp.com. Your aid from your froman. Dude, this says it's worldwide. Do you think you get like a sexy French therapist?

Damn, I can reset my Cuz I already got a area to go. Yeah, can you select a region? What if you do worldwide? And it's like some witch doctor from Uganda They're like well, okay, you must get the eye of newt Chicken and Bleed it into a fire. Yeah, yeah. You're just pixie sticking cayenne in the tip of your dick.

To get rid of AIDS, you must have sex with a virgin. Easy. That's what they believe. Yeah, how close? What? Yeah. So you give AIDS to a virgin to get rid of your AIDS? That's like a solution AIDS came up with.

Look it up. How do I spread this? What are you going to need to do? That's like when they have those ants that walk to the end of a leaf to get eaten by whatever the bacteria, that disease. An AIDS doctor.

What? There's certain bacteria that infect ants and they like walk to the end of a leaf and they'll like just bite onto the leaf. And they become the fungus. Yeah. And then something eats that. Look it up. It infects their head.

Look up. Their brain. All right. Look up tribal belief, virgins getting rid of ants. Yeah. That'd be crazy. You ever try to Google something and you don't know how to even Google the Google? Yeah.

But it'll come up. Look at you, you have a live-in better help. Predictive text. You understand? It's crazy that the first results would... It's the virgin cleansing myth. Yes. Oh, it's a myth.

The myth. The thing he's not talking about. Yeah, but it is a thing. Yeah, they do believe it. There was a- Did they do a double blind study on that one? There was an epidemic of babies being raped because they believe the younger the person,

the fresher the virginity is, the better it'll get rid of the AIDS. Right or wrong? Objective truth. That's right, yeah. Man, that guy, the first guy caught fucking a baby was really thinking on his feet. Oh, my God. He makes it up.

He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not a bird. I'm just trying to get rid of my AIDS. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The first sentence out of his mouth, he realized was a step backwards. He was like, I have no idea. I have AIDS. I mean.

All I want. No, this is the cure. No, I'm sorry. I meant pedophilia. I don't know pedophilia. No, no, no, hold on. No, this is the cure. No, I'm sorry. I meant pedophilia. I don't know pedophilia. No, no, no, no. My AIDS is acting up. Oh, my God.

You have no idea. I'm trying to get rid of my AIDS. And he's just fucking a doctor. It's not what it looks like. I have AIDS. Just hang on. Oh, my God. You're like, what?

That's worse. No, no, no. I'm cured. I'm trying to get rid of my AIDS. Can you please quiet that toddler down and tell us what you're doing? Yeah, yeah. That doesn't cure AIDS. It's like, well, being an idiot's not a crime. Jesus Christ. It's like an infomercial for Lenny Dyches fucking.

Being an idiot's not a crime. All right all right we gotta head out to the page later gator