Stuff Island - Stuff Island #4 - bad bird

Episode Date: December 3, 2021

good date, bad bird, Tommy still sick Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You don't usually start. I think I start. Do you? I don't know. You start it? You start it by? I'm usually like, welcome to Stuff Island. Boys and girls, friends and folks. When your room looks kinda weird. You wish that you weren't there.

This is so disgusting. They are getting a good look into the household, just how much coughing and farting goes on yeah well no one's farting no one's farting what no one's farting what are you talking about you fart all the time no i don't shane farts intentionally every morning that's his breathing he's like a like an orca whale comes up to the surface goes Goes back down for like two more hours He lets one out there you let one out see in seeing This is how it goes every time Shane farts hilarious. She you answer with a fart hilarious Yeah, I fart you guys go what the fuck? Well, that's probably cuz you you're trying disgusting you're trying to get absolutely disgusting train and you and you shit i'm trying to be one of the guys i was like god

chris shit himself again dude chains no because you guys far as shane's aqua aqua ability in florida was outrageous what do you mean i wanted i want to hate i want to talk shit his underwater abilities he's a fucking sea otter he is he can hold his breath for a while he's a beluga yeah and i said a beluga because they don't have any pigment and they're like glowing orbs underneath the water and i love a beluga touch one end go back and go back you'd be like alright three times and then just disappear yeah dude can yeah he can move underwater I've literally never gotten in a pool with him and not done a

wall to wall test yeah I've never once gotten in a pool with him yeah cause it's what's dominating yeah but I can hold up I can get there I can do it dude challenge him to like a bow legged test you'll fucking you'll fucking gross dude imagine imagine shane in like a long pool and just his ass coming up and going dude if shane had my my shape legs he'd be fucking lebron james true true simple as that

does have a little a slight bow Yeah Me and LeBron walk Which gives an attitude I like this That's why I've always liked LeBron Yeah Because he's just like That's what I'd be like If I was just a little bit bigger

Yeah Damn I wish I was a little bit taller Yeah I wish Yeah Also there's There's no like

Sports icon that has pigeon toes Or duck feet Uh Who's supporting those kids You know No Underbite Who's the greatest athlete That has an underbite No Who's the those kids? No, dude. Who's the greatest athlete that has an underbite? No, who's the great running back for the Eagles?

The fucking, the little guy. He was on the Saints. McCoy? No, no, no. He was on the Saints. He came over to... Oh, he was on the Chargers. And then the Saints.

And then the Saints. And then he came to the Eagles. Little boy. He had pigeon toes. Dude, he had bad pigeon toes. Yeah. And he could fly. He had a slight bow, too.

Yeah. His legs were all jammed up. Yeah, no. You need a good bow. You need a good bow. I was built like Tippy. You can't knock me over. Yeah.

True. You can't knock me over. True. I spread my legs. My legs are still going straight into the ground. Yeah. Solid as a rock. A mid-century

Modern table You can't tell like If it's If it's truly stable or not But like yeah Oh no it's Oh it's fire You can put a heavy pot of chili

On top of you dude Yeah I hold it Yeah Yeah You see me squat Yeah You do have to

Your buns are out Power It's big buns You have fucking dynamite and you know what they'd be of absolutely no use to me if i didn't have bold legs well maybe that's why your legs are both trying to balance all that as a kid my cheeks are so big they're away my bones yeah my soft bones imagine holding up a boulder You start like this And then all of a sudden You know Your arms start to bow

Yeah true Keeping all that stress up there Yeah I said this on I fucking I told you I told you on Barstool Yeah you told me

You tell me every day Dynamite ass It's crazy It's crazy to see A white guy with a thick butt You know what I mean Thick buns on a white dude Yeah I got him

It's It's It's awkward. The juxtaposition of seeing a great dunk. You know, if he didn't like span up. Yeah. I feel like women are attracted to me. Because you got a nice ass. No, but it's not that they like my ass. But I feel like they want to have their kids have my ass.

Just in case, yeah, you take the genes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love a good ass. Yeah, they'll be like, oh, yeah, that's nice. I'm interested in that. Yeah. So you think that's your defining characteristic? No, it's my wit and good charm.

He's got a big, thick black dump. Yeah. They go, I want some of that. Yeah. It looks not so great on him, but you put that on the right body. Yes. Good things are happening. Disproportionate.

Yeah. You know, it's like a Mr. Potato head nose. It's way too front loaded. You're back loaded, dude. Yeah. It's come down a lot. It used to be bigger.

But then I see in the gym and I see you squat. I'm like, now I know where you got it. Yeah. It's come down a lot. It used to be bigger. But then I see you in the gym and I see you squat. I'm like, now I know where you got it. Yeah, it's all... Yeah, I think honestly like... It's all... Yeah, yeah. There's so much power back. I think that's why it's hard to do sit-ups.

Because I have to get over my ass. Yes. Which is in the way. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And any time the front chain is pulling on that back chain's got too much power your alignment the abs are competing with the ass

and they just can't yeah dude c4 and c5 all out of whack because you have a big latina fucking it's a problem what a problem it's a problem but i do it's a problem that me and my brothers and my father would love that it's a big i do have a divot i have a divot in one of my cheeks that i don't know what it's from you're from all the pressure no no no it's like trying to hold up the fucking no it's like a nice you take like a nice swing on the fairway you take a nice chunk yeah yeah it's not that deep but it's that's right it's a good swing. Yeah. You're getting some of the grass, but you're not chunking it. Yeah, yeah. It's just my right cheek has a little... Yeah.

No idea what that's about. I got one of those. It doesn't make any sense. It's not a divot. It's like if you were to throw a quarter into ice. It's not a big chunk. It's just a tiny little chip. Like a chick sitting in gravel.

It's one cellulite. It's a cellulite. Getting out of control. Oh my god. That laughed so hard. Where did we see those asses? I don't know, dude. It's nuts how often I'll...

You walk, and I said this. Yeah. I don't know if I said it on our podcast, but you walk like an old Asian man. Yeah. Without putting your hands behind your back, you have a very slow trot. It is purposeful.

Yeah. Your legs swing to the out and then still come in because you're weird bows. Dude. And it looks like you're pondering on whether to destroy a country or not. Well, you know what? It's from my dad flies. When a dad walks.

Yeah. He's got wheels. Cruises. Yeah. Like he's walking so fast that you almost can't talk to him yeah yeah because you're like yeah so yeah yeah like it's it's at a speed that's like ridiculous so you you now your gait is a reaction to that yeah because he'd be like come on pick it up and it's like you know what no yeah you want to run yeah i didn't think so yeah we can run if you want we'll see who's

keeping up with who so you does your pop is like is he trying to like get away from you you think no he just walks fast there was something i don't know he he had some story about it where he like he was always late to church or something and him and his brother used to have to like get there fast and they wound up walking fat I don't even know what it was just something he there was something maybe it wasn't his brother there was some kid who used to walk really fucking fast and he always had a walk with that kid and then he just now he can't move at any other speed it's just that's it you know if he was if he was walking my pace he always had to walk with that kid. And then he just, now he can't move at any other speed. It's just, that's it. You know, if he was, if he was walking my pace, he's like, it's like he's grinding gears.

That's always what he's, that's what he said. Yeah. Anytime he's walking with me, it's like, I feel like I'm stuck between. Yes. Second and third. That was my next question. Yeah. It probably drives him nuts.

Oh, it drives him. How slow you walk. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Because fast walkers can't get along with people like you. Yeah. Yeah.

But just walk. I'll get there. I'll catch up. No, you won't. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Because fast walkers can't get along with people like you. Yeah. Yeah. But just walk. I'll get there. I'll catch up. No, you won't. No, I will. No, you won't because then it's weird. Then I got to slow down my whole situation. No, it's weird is walking so fast that you can't enjoy the walk.

It's normal. It's normal. You walk very, very slow. You walk like a disabled woman that has gone to the gym for the first time because her family's like you're going to die you need to just get in the water but that's the point of walking what enjoying yourself it's going slow yeah but if you have somewhere to go without even a meeting time you should you still should have a little giddy up you you know? You should be like... Nah. Yeah, yeah.

I don't see it that way. Yeah. Just be careful with that because this camera will move. We'll cut that out. No, we're going to leave it in. Dude, it's so funny. Every episode, my camera has a slight drift. Because of my legs?

Yeah, yeah. Because you push the ottoman. And it's... Oh, yeah, yeah. It just slowly... You will never notice it unless you were like fast forward unless you talked about it yeah yeah well i'm just worried it might get so far out of whack that you know it'll be fine it will be fine it will be fine you're right i should have mentioned it no i shouldn't mention you're fine what you should be doing this is picking up your speed. Yeah.

Your walking speed. Yeah. It's disrespectful. It came up. I came up on the date last night. Yeah. She was like, you walk kind of slow.

This is my favorite part of you. Yeah. Is you could have your two best friends that you live with tell you something like, we don't like that. And then you'll come to me and say the same story

coming through someone that you just met going, she doesn't like this. Yeah. Well, she didn't say she didn't like it. She just, well, yeah. She said you were slow. Yeah.

Mentally. Please. Please tell the story. Yeah. No, we were just, we were walking her dog, and she was like, yeah, you walk kind of funny. I was like what wait till you see how I fuck yeah

dude I had gas tell the whole story well we went out to dinner well tell the back story because the back story is interesting too the back story is very cute the back story? how you even met this girl

my brother's neighbors set me up with her in connecticut yeah my well yeah in the whole neighborhood like everyone that my brother lives around was like you guys should hang out yeah and we went on a date you gotta meet my autistic bow-legged friend Yeah yeah yeah That can't cook And we went on a date And then it was great And then Yeah How long ago was this?

The first date This was like the day after Thanksgiving maybe Black Friday I guess it was Yeah it was yeah it was great it was like it actually wound up being like really fun

we got like hammered it was bad and and then and then we hung out the next night we watched a movie I fell asleep

snored embarrassing yeah no no I thought it was bad it was like a movie I was like you're gonna watch this movie you're gonna love it was bad it was like a movie I was like

you're gonna watch this movie you're gonna love it and then I was like were you snoring on your own or was this like a cuddle situation no I was sitting next to her

on the couch it was supposed to be like a yeah you know and you caked out and just started fucking snoring yeah yeah that's kind of embarrassing

yeah it was bad if you care for someone if things were going so well yeah yeah what if you want to you know if you're like you want to impress someone that's kind of embarrassing. Yeah, it was bad. If you care for someone. If things were going so well. Yeah, yeah. What? If you want to, you know, if you're like, you want to impress someone, that's probably embarrassing. But I'm not impressive.

You are. You're being very impressive right now, man. Keep going. What? Keep going with your story. I don't know. There's no point. There's no point in being impressive on a date anymore.

Okay. There just isn't because I'm not. So eventually. anymore okay there just isn't because i'm not so eventually so you're like just i want to show you at year three what i'm going to be on date one yeah good strategy and year three can be really good if we're just rocking and rolling from the beginning yeah i love how you call this rocking and rolling. Yeah. You know, years ago you'd be great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so then... Splitting a pizza and my bird not working

and you snoring all over you. Rocking and rolling. Oh, I had such a bad bird. No, no, continue. Continue. Okay. So... So you're watching a movie

you snore through it we snore through it does she wake you up or you wake yourself she wakes me up when the movie's over and is like it's over

you slept through the whole thing yeah she's like bedtime now yeah yeah yeah and I walked her home which was nice where'd you watch the movie at my parents

in my parents basement oh my god and then I walked her home to her parents house you fell asleep in your parents basement it was total high school. Oh, my God.

It was a complete high school thing. Oh, my God. It was bad. Imagine reading your yearbook and being like, where are you going to be in like 10 years, dude? Yeah. I'm going to be in my parents' basement. Yeah. Watching a movie, falling asleep, snoring next to the girl I want to finger.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Don't talk about her like that. i'm sorry how dare you i'm sorry so so so yeah we then we so we met up in new york last night uh go out another date uh i'm telling you guys today we we went to a Mediterranean place in Brooklyn, and I think that's what it was. You call them Greeks. Greeks.

The Greeks. No, this was like, do Greeks eat hummus? What? Do they eat hummus? Do Greeks eat hummus? Yeah, I thought they were more of like a different... Where do you think it comes from?

The not Greek parts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The not Greek parts. I don't know. I guess we'll have to wait and ask. No, I mean, they probably eat hummus now. I don't know, guys. Let's move it to the chat.

No, they're more of a dip in bread and oil. Okay, Bob. Right? No. And eating an olive by itself. Hummus is a. Okay, Bob. Right? No. And eating an olive by itself. Hummus is a very Greek thing. Is it? Yeah.

Do you think that was imported, though? They didn't come up with that. They chickpea. They chickpea? No, hummus didn't come from the Italians. Yeah. Yeah. It didn't come from Italians.

No. Yeah. Who gives a shit, dude from You had fucking hummus Do Greeks like hummus? Anyway Yeah they like hummus It was delicious Yeah

Really great hummus Ate a lot of hummus We were having a great time It really was fun Do Greeks like hummus? No not that they like hummus But do they eat it? Is it part of their natural

Italians like meatballs what are you talking about like I'm sure they eat it but you go to a Greek restaurant and they have hummus do Jews like lox that's all they eat they put it in their baby bottles they feed their little hairy fat bags

I was so bad on this date I ordered fish and like the lady goes how do you want it cooked hairy fat bags. I was so bad on this date. I ordered fish and, um, like the lady goes, how do you want it cooked? And I was like, all the way.

No, no, no. I literally said like, as the best, like, so that it tastes the best. Dude,

this is like the movie big when Tom hanks goes from five to like 35 like why can't you just say a natural thing you're old enough and experienced enough to go yeah no what's the best way that it tastes medium that's what she said dude you're a fucking idiot unbelievable that's actually what you said that's my voice most people every 10 minutes it's getting worse most people go medium yeah so so who do you fish yeah the fish comes out and there's a bowl of couscous yeah with it yeah and i had to go the greeks like couscous i go what is this oh my god she goes it's couscous and i was like oh i like that is that part of mine wait what i didn't know whether it was part of her and she got a salad.

So it definitely wasn't. But I was just like, is that... Like a side dish to your main entree. Yeah, yeah. Because I didn't see the couscous in the order. Of course. So, yeah. I bet you.

Yeah. So you're surprised by the couscous. Yeah. It just was like, I'm so bad at dinners. I can't, like, I don't't like i don't know i don't know anything works yeah i really don't i like this is your hang up i do you crushed uh lunch and breakfast i gotta be no like if any formal meal to me is a nightmare so how did the dinner end it was great i mean like conversation was like it fucking ruled it was so much fun right um so the fact that i was absolutely like

socially totally uncultured swine was not a problem um at least yet so then we went to this other place for drinks we got two big like mint julep type things. Sugary things. What? You don't like that? No. How do you feel about a julep? I was holding in a... Cough?

No, a yawn. Was I yawning? No. I was holding in a yawn. Yeah. I'm fine. I started talking through yawns so much on this date that she, I,

it's the one thing I started. I haven't reposted. She shoves her fingers in my mouth when I do. Wonderful. I'd be like, it is so disrespectful. It is. So I'd rather,

I'd rather honestly'd rather Honestly God If we were having a meal I'd rather you Shit in the palm of your hand And start hauling it off Like a fucking Deranged monkey Yeah

Than talk through a yawn Dude It's so disrespectful And you did this This is the second day I did it like four or five times And you're like I like this And on the fourth

Yeah I'm gonna show her all of my worst qualities. Dude, well, they're out there. You doubled down. I like this. I can't hide them. Yeah. No, they're coming out regardless, but I didn't expect you to throw it all out there.

Yeah, well, I mean, I'm running out of time. Are you? No, it's mostly just like, she's cool. And why? Why hide anything? Yeah. You don't hide anything. You're just trying to be respectful.

But I am respectful. In all the ways that matter, I'm respectful. No? No. What are you talking about? You're not respectful all the time. What are you talking about? I'm respectful all the time.

You're not. Why? You don't think I have respect for people? No. Leaving empty garbage. That has nothing to do with respect. No, it isn't. What is it not?

No, that's like weird, fringy bullshit. Oh, yeah. It is. On the fringes of respect? Yeah, yeah, it is. It is. So leaving your garbage.

It's the veneer of respect. All right, look. There can be people who clean up all the time and do dishes and do all this stuff. And clean up for you. And have absolutely

no respect for you. Right. I don't... Sometimes I leave a napkin out or a cup out, but I respect you as a person. I'm not saying I don't respect you. You know what I'm saying?

But it's disrespectful to leave all that shit out. It's not. It has nothing to do with you. The fact that you don't know this is disrespectful to the disrespect of the conversation. No, no, no, no, no. See, this is the way... Like like all of these things were created by.

That's like taking your underwear off, throwing it on the couch and just leaving it there and going. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. What's the difference? It's like throwing, maybe it's like throwing clean underwear. If there was clean underwear here. Or shoes or whatever the fuck. No, no, no, no, no.

Because it's a bag. It's been. It's a bag of trash. No, it's. There's no trash in it. No, it's not. You feel that the bag. No a... It's a bag of trash. No, there's no trash in it. That would sit there for days. No, it's not. You feel that the bag... No, you feel that the bag is trash.

It is trash. But it's just a bag. There's no organic matter in there. It's going to last forever. Exactly. Yeah. So if you don't take it away, it'll be there for fucking ever.

No. So then I got to come in here. Sure, sure. But you know I'm going to take it away. Oh, trash bag cleaning Tommy's got to come in here and clean up after you. And you started the resort to leaving it where I last sat. I did. You know why?

Because you left it on this fucking, this here, this is my stool. Okay. I use it sometimes too. So I threw it over there because I'm done throwing out your shit. What are you talking about? We don't, is this the kind of relationship we have? Yeah. You're done? Now it is. I'd out your shit. What are you talking about? Is this the kind of relationship we have? Yeah.

You're done? Now it is. I'd throw your shit away. This is why you have gas at night when you're sleeping in the toilet. All right, so where are we at in the state thing? I'm not here with Andy. So we have those two sugary drinks. Still, everything's going great.

We're having fun. Sugary drinks. Yes. Now I know what you're doing. You're trying to like, this is going to be a having fun uh yes yeah well now i know what you're doing you're trying to like this is gonna be a problem yeah yeah uh we we doubled down on these sugary drinks and it was just a nightmare then we go we got some whiskeys after that and then uh and then we go back and we're listening to music uh at her place we're listening to music at her place. We're listening to fucking the coolest, the greatest stuff.

You know? I got Bob Seger. Yeah. Hitting Bob Seger. We're hitting the Eagles. We're hitting Springsteen. We're having a good time. And I, what?

Nothing. I convinced her that Like A Rock is a good song yeah I was born as I could be was it Like A Rock? I was born I was born as I could be I was as born as I could be

I'm the most born I can be yeah man you should see when I was born I was the most born I can be. Yeah. Man, you should see. When I was born, I was so fucking born. You don't know anyone that's been most born. I am the most born. It does seem like a Stan Seger would take.

It's so American. Why do you have to convince her that Like A Rock is a good song? It's a great song. Because everyone's associated with the Chevy commercials. Oh, yeah. And they think it's bad. Yeah. But enough time has elapsed that you can listen to Like A Rock now

and just put it on. Try to imagine it's the first time you've ever heard it. It fucking rules. Yeah. It's deep. It's sad. It's sad. It's, and it rocks.

Is this when she started undoing her bra? Believe me, this was a, this is a hard sell. I'm not even sure that she actually liked it. She might've just been doing it. Put it on. Let me tell you something about this.

It's fucking dramatic, steep, and it fucking rocks. She sat there with her eyes closed and was like, it actually is good. Yeah, yeah. So it's not a glowing review. Apparently my parents live close to your parents huh chris yeah yeah you're like no we were dancing we're dancing with the dog really having fun yeah in the kitchen in the living room yeah that's great yeah then what happens uh then then you know we tried to do we tried what's the initiation of like the breakthrough

because this this has been a uh a set date we made the bed wait what she had laundry that she before you kiss yeah yeah you didn't kiss her yet no no no we had we had hung out like those couple times previous so it was like it was we'd kiss but you didn't do her yet? No, no, no. We had hung out like those couple times previous. So it was like, we had kissed. But you didn't do any like sexy time? We had done some sexy time. Oh, you had? Yeah. You did the old...

Yeah, we did that. We did that. Okay. Don't be disrespectful. I'm not being disrespectful. I'm just trying to... That's disrespectful, you know? This is a cute...

Yawning while talking is not disrespectful very disrespectful that is disrespectful that's this is a universal cue of going that's disrespectful yeah did you do it come on and you're saying you did it we did it you guys made the bed yeah together yeah and then And then you know Yes I had a bad bird I had a bad bird Bad bird

Yeah It was a bad bird You know It was like Not having it It just wasn't Yeah Your bird called out of work

Yeah It was like No it showed up All the time It showed up It was there You know It was like It no, it showed up all the time. It showed up. It was there. You know, it was like it had it had a moment. Yeah.

They had a moment. Got a call from home. It had a nice moment. And then mom. And then it was just a shitty bird. I'm not going to make it home. It was a shitty bird. And and then, you know, then I'm, you know, I'm back against the wall.

Yeah, then I'm in my head. I'm like, wow, what a shitty bird. Yeah. Can I get it better? I don't even know what to. Yeah. God. You know?

But at least you've been with her for a couple of times. So she knows who you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah but i haven't had a great bird chris i bet you have a nice bird i have a nice bird i'm just saying that's what's disappointing yeah is it got i've got a vivacious bird yeah yeah vivacious i've got a vivacious bird but it's banging out that v word but but the thing is every time we've hung out we've like fucking drank a lot and had an awesome time yeah so by the time it's bird time it's like yeah it's just not where it needs to be yeah and i hate you know a a three quarters or five sixths bird is just...

Not enough. Yeah, I start getting disappointed in it. And then it gets worse. Yes. The minute you think about it. Yeah. Ten times worse. It's like calling on a panic attack.

When you have a little bit of anxiety. Yeah. You think about it. Think about your heartbeat. Think about your breathing and then just... Yeah. I'm on all fours. Yeah.

In a parking lot thinking I'm dying. Now the whole neighbor's going to know I got a terrible bird. Yeah. Everybody knows. The whole fucking, outside of Fergie's Pub, everyone outside of Fergie's Pub knows I have a terrible dick. I mean, I'm gifted to the point where I don't get whiskey dick, but I've had it with other ingredients. Yeah.

Yeah, it's not good. But you've been with her a few times. Yeah. Then the next morning, right? Again, everything's great. When we're hanging out, everything's so good. But then I'm farting. My stomach is like

I'm sorry What? I'm so sorry It's just so funny that Your mentality is You're so Your brain is so warped To say

Everything's great But everything you say Is a fucking nightmare An absolute nightmare For a regular person Well I can't take you through it Everything's great, but everything you say is a fucking nightmare. An absolute nightmare for a regular person. Well, I can't take you through it. If one of the seven things you've said so far, you'd be like, it sucks. Catastrophic failure.

Everything's great. Everything's great. So I shit myself. My dick doesn't work. It's a testament to how good everything else was going. That's wonderful. Yeah. Yeah. It's great. It was, everything else was going. That's wonderful. Yeah. Yeah.

It's great. It was, yeah. Witty repartee. Yeah. So the next morning. So the next morning. You're tootin' my guts in the mattress. I'm not tootin' yet.

My stomach is like, I can feel those fucking two juleps in there. Yeah. Like Shane. feel those fucking two juleps in there yeah like she she in the pool of florida yeah yeah and she fucking rules she's you know she wakes up she's you know down to she's getting after it morning yeah yeah and uh but every time you know every time like yeah wait no no no yeah every time what no i mean it's like we're hooking up and my stomach is just going like, you know what I mean? Like, and she's trying not to know that it's happening, you know,

like she's ignoring it, which makes me now. I'm like, I, I can't, I can't even deal with the fact that like she's ignoring how loud, cause it's not like a little noise. It's so loud.

And then, uh, and so that it just totally wasn't working. And then I got up and went to the bathroom and I just farted in the bathroom for like a long time. But what's a long time? Like three minutes, three to five minutes.

We're talking seven or eight, maybe just blowing out the lines blowing out the lines well not blasting because I'm pulling a cheek open and let it just like oh my god okay if anyone didn't believe me that you have thunder buns, you have to hold a cheek open to release air from your organs. Yeah. You know how it is if you've got to sneak a fart out. You just need to get that one through, and then you're gaping a little bit. Do you know what my secret move is? I take the towel off the hand rack.

I put it on top of the toilet. Even in foreign territory? Yeah, in foreign territory. Take the towel off the hand rack. I put it on top of the toilet. Even in foreign territory? Yeah, in foreign territory. Take the towel off the hand rack and put it on top of the toilet. The top toilet closed so there's no hole. Oh my God. Towel, sit. And I blow.

Pull a cheek open. No, no no no I don't have to yes you do no I don't have fucking brajole like no you gotta pull

a cheek open then it can just come out I don't need to pull a cheek open you do there's no closed doors there's no fucking

passcode to get my ass open there is it's always open. No, if it vibrates at all, you need to pull a cheek. Dude, if you knocked me out and I fell on my fucking face, my asshole would be sunburned by the time I got out. There's no blockage of me.

But you stretch the hole just a little bit so that it's like you're letting the air out. Exactly. Yeah, no, I'm good. I just go. I just almost pass out. Dude, one of the greatest feelings in the world is a slightly pulled open butthole. I'm going to have to go back to get put down. No, when you're in a real crisis and you need to get some gas out

and you get that first little guy across the line with no noise and then you just... Yeah. No, no, no. But then you start getting... No vibration, no vibration. Just...

All the way to the end? Yeah. Ugh. That's a problem though. And then it doesn't smell. I mean, it's literally... There's no... It's literally like watching The Great Escape.

Never, dude. Yeah. Never. No. You know when he launches in the motorcycle in The Great Escape? When they say... Yes. When they say...

That's what it's like. It's silent but violent. It's for a reason. Because your dung is hanging around your bun. And the air is just coming on the outside. No, but what happens when you've gone beer, wine, julep, whiskey, wine. None of that matters. No, it does.

None of that matters. It does. No. No, because it creates. None of that matters. No, it does. None of that matters. It does. No. No, because it creates a couple of different gases. So this isn't... A bog from prehistoric era. It does. It does.

You've got layered gas in there. Yeah. So it's not like... And I can feel where the julep gas was. Yeah. So it's not... It's got nothing to do with burrito. It's got nothing to do with the hummus and the fish.

Soup dumpling. Old taco dip. This isn't gas. I know what you're talking about. You got poop next to the gas. It's going to leak into the gas. I don't like the words poop. I don't like the words crap. I don't like that. You don't like poop or crap?

It's gross. I'll take dung Dung? Yeah yeah Shit Something hard Alright well When you got gas on shit Yeah

Okay Then the shit leaks Into the gas Like The shit's Oh my god Saturating the gas Oh my god

It's still about your date With shit smell Are we still on your date? Yeah yeah yeah Alright Well you wanna know why I can get the gas out and have it not. I'm not worried. It's going to stink.

Yeah, yeah. It's because I know it's gas on gas. It's different layers of gas. Right, right. Yeah. So it's not getting a fart. It's not getting poop on it. Yeah, two negatives make a positive.

Yeah. All right, now I'll do my teacher. Anyway, so I come back in the room after farting for a while and she goes she's laughing and i'm like what she's like nothing nothing and then uh like two minutes later she's like i have to take a pee is it safe to go in there and i was like yeah it's totally. I didn't take a shit. I just stood in there and farted. Oh my God, you said that? Yeah. You said that to her?

Yeah. And I'm like, it's not going to smell. They weren't smelly farts. But you admitted what you were doing. Yeah, so. Do you know how much worse it looks to try to hide it? Something happened in there. No, I was like popping a pimple.

No. I was in there farting. I'm just letting you know. Yeah. I got nothing to hide. How'd you leave it? It was great. We went and got some coffee.

And then I got in the Uber and i farted the whole way home now you're hooking up with your uber driver yeah uber guy was getting into it too he was dropping some yeah yeah we just farted away jesus christ yeah it was nice you think you'll see this girl again yeah she's great hell yeah she's cool that, Bob. Then we're going to put this on the page. Yeah. I mean, they're both going to be on the page. What?

What are you talking about? Yeah. No. It's going to be on the page. What do you mean? Both. But they're good. No.

They're great. Tommy's worried. Tommy's worried that we've got some sick podcasts. In a bad way. What do you mean, sick podcasts? What do you mean? What do you mean, sick podcasts? You're worried that the quality of the podcast is low.

No, I don't. Well, knock it out of the park. Knock it out of the park. I just want to knock it out of the park. Every fucking time I do this, I want to knock it out of the park. Well, you don't want to talk about your situation No I can't You mean Karen's situation

Yeah No I can't Are we still rock and roll right now Yeah what time is it 38 38 That's not too bad for a page I can't

No You can't disclose I can't I can't disclose only because i will yeah i will eventually yeah yeah it's too close yeah it's true i always feel that way yeah like when people like you know when you've done something weird and someone asks and not this and someone asks you right away you're like did you just do something weird sometimes like i'll be like no then two seconds later be like yeah yeah it's fucking weird as fuck that i get it i understand it would be a good

story um and it's on the heels of another great story yeah i shouldn't have put you in that situation no it's fine yeah it's fine um but yeah it's fine. But yeah, it'll come out. We just can't. We also haven't talked about the Eagles game. Yeah, we did. We have not talked about going to the Eagles game and going to the strip club afterwards. Oh, shit. Yeah.

We haven't talked about that. How quickly we failed at the strip club. We didn't fail. The bartender failed. That's about as hard as you could fail. The bartender failed. We went to the strip club. We were there for 20 minutes.

All three of us paid. Which is plenty of time. Yeah. Plenty of fucking time. All three of us paid a $40 ATM fee. Yes. And then we immediately left after spending Almost no money

No I still spent 150 bucks Really Yeah In that small amount of time How much of it was Would you want

Yeah you got into You got into it With the I did The bartender I'll fucking tell you Yeah We sat down

It was empty Cause it was only like Six o'clock Yeah It was weird It was me you 6 o'clock yeah it was weird it was me you and Santino it was it was early yeah maybe 6.30

but it was still dark so yeah in your head you're like I just watched the whole Eagles game it was successful we won

you feel you feel good oh it was fucking ruled we had field passes yeah we're on the field we got to hang out with fucking Mac

oh yeah we like we had the fucking yeah we're on the field we got to hang out with fucking mac oh yeah we like we had the fucking best day it was wonderful the only disappointment was the tailgate kind of like the the whole tailgate situation was subdued for some reason it was well so i think it was the weekend after thanksgiving it was a weekend before yeah before yeah it was a weekend before thanks yeah it's your birthday either way so yeah so it's very subdued we walked around a couple of the parking lots but still wasn't there wasn't much the game was wonderful we get to i remember like apologizing to Santino and being like, I'm sorry, dude.

This is not like a normal game. Yeah. Usually people are wild. He's like, this is great. I'm talking about. This is fucking wonderful. I'm like, usually they're fucking maniacs and shitting over everything

and just fucking being dickheads. Yeah, and that is what it's like. Normally it's fucking mayhem. But he made a good point. He's like, I don't want that. Yeah, yeah you're right i don't know why i'm pushing like you should see these guys they're usually dickheads to everybody yeah well you it's like i don't know it'd be like taking someone to fucking wing bowl and it'd be like organized you'd be like oh my god no they were great anyway so the game was awesome and And then we went to Delilah's,

which I haven't done in years. I've never been. We get to Delilah's. Yeah. I go to cash. I get 200 bucks out of the ATM. $40 ATM fee. I'm already upset.

Yeah, crazy. You guys are already In the corner of this Of the bar I go to cash out $100 for For once She gives me $60

In once You're positive I'm positive of this Yeah Chris I'm fucking positive Cause you were banged up Yeah I was banged up

Of course I was banged up And you're very suspicious When you're banged up 100% You're very suspicious when you're banged up. 100%. You're very suspicious. This is coming from the mushroom story. Yeah, dude. You get very suspicious.

When you reach a certain level of banged up, you feel like... Yeah, the world's against me. Yeah, yeah. It's true. True. However, I went from the ATM machine directly to the bar to give cash, give me my ones. I gave her exact amount, give me my ones. I took this pile of ones to just push out to you guys.

I was like, here's 20, here's 20, here's 20. Oh shit, that's 60 bucks. So I walk back around, I'm like, excuse me, and she's like, this whole, why babe? Just yacked out of her mind. Yeah, she was coked out of her mind. And I was like, I gave you $100, you only gave me $60, so you owe me $40. She's like, I gave you $100. You only gave me $60. So you owe me $40.

She's like, I gave you $60 because you gave me $60. And she starts like yelling at me immediately. I'm like, okay, here's my receipt from the ATM. Here's the money I still have in my hand. I don't want to steal from you. In fact, the money that I'm asking you to change for me is going to your employees. Yeah.

All your coworkers. You think she was trying to take advantage of you? You think she saw that you were maybe a little fucked up and was like, oh, I can steal 40 bucks from this guy. Yeah, I think that's what they do all night. Yeah, 100%. And that's the end of the story. That's what's going to happen.

Yeah. So she just decides when and where to go. If you give some guy that you think is drunk, let's say one out of 10, coming in from an Eagles game, lick her up, going, here's 100 bucks, and it looks like this in all ones. Was it in a band or was it?

One, two, three. No, there's no bands. Yeah. That's the problem. There's no bands. I only count them out because I wanted to give you 20. Right. I gave Santino 20 or whatever.

And I went to get the next 20. I'm like, let's weigh off. $40 is not a lot. But it's all. At that point. I feel like. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm fucking getting my money back.

Yeah. My money's coming back. Well, you also thought you got fake ones. Not there yet. Okay. So I go up to her. And I you also thought you got fake ones. Not there yet. Okay. So I go up to her and I'm like, hey, here's my money. I'm not trying to steal from you.

I'm trying to actually give back to you guys. I'm going to tip you. I'm going to give you everything. Yeah. All this money is going to get lit on fire. All this money that you didn't give me and that's in the till is coming back to you. Just give it to me because you fucked up. Because I know you're fucked up. That's it

this wasn't like a bullying situation it's like yeah i know you're on drugs you said that to her yeah i know you're fucked up and she goes well i'm gonna have to get my manager i'm like your manager get your manager yeah manager comes out this big slick soprano's extra scumbag with his fucking his hair and his greasy fucking forehead who's tried to fuck every one of these little strippers

he's a dirtbag and he's like I'm gonna have to pull the till if I have to pull the till then I have to count every dollar that she's ever brought in

from the time of her shift and I was like pull it yeah it's $50 to me and then a blowjob later yeah exactly I'll take it

I'll pay double if you shut the fuck up and you're like yeah later. Yeah, exactly. I'll take it. I'll pay double if you shut the fuck up and you're like, yeah. Count the money. And he goes, I'll count the money. So then he goes over and he's like,

and then, he's just doing this for show. Yeah. Turns around and he's like, it checks out. Checks out. $60. Says she only had $60.

And I was like, okay. Now I'm fired up to the point where like, $60 Says she only had $60 And I was like Okay Now I'm fired up To the point where like I know I'm not gonna do anything Yeah Cause you can't Like I'm not gonna

Fight a manager Keep yelling at this coke head Yeah Like I'm just gonna Okay Well guess what Nobody's getting my money You know like

Like a drunk teenager Is like Well nobody's getting tipped Yeah I'm not gonna drink anymore and i'm just i just left that's when we left like 10 minutes later no but we had a we had a conversation where you're like these bills are fake oh yes and i was so hammered yes and i was trying two or three bills i think two i put out two bills and i I was like, I don't know, man. Dude, they were so... It was like the difference between feeling like iron as opposed to...

Is it Chris Bill? No. It was so obvious. I don't even remember what it feels. Yeah. The look, the feel, the color. I was like, look at this. It didn't bend.

It was just straight up like, here, Chris. That happens with a fresh dollar bill. Yeah, it can. but the color was off the texture was off it's not just there's no way it's not just the structure did you have any of them

left over in the morning or no no I left it all I just threw it really yeah I got upset yeah

did you throw it at the bartender or the strippers no no no no I just put it on the bar I threw it on the bar I wasn't like gonna take it on my way out oh man i wish i was but no i don't

yeah then we just bounce we all just yeah we all separate yeah yeah it was a long day started eight in the morning it was it was brutal yeah and we were hitting whiskeys we're in double whiskeys at the game either either brutal yeah you fell in love with the lady sitting next to you? Yeah, I'll bet. She was great. She was. She was funny. She still went to dance.

The Eagles game's like a wedding for old cats. Yeah. You know? Did you get up and dance with her at any point? Yeah, I danced with her. Really? Yeah. Rubbing hips.

Fuck yeah. Yeah. That's dope. Oh, great goddess. What are we doing? Are we done? Yeah, we're hips. Fuck yeah. Yeah. That's dope. Oh, great goddess. What are we doing? Are we done? Yeah, we're done. We're done?

That's the Patreon? No. The other's the page. What? The other's the page? Ah, who knows. All right. I guess we'll figure it out.

Yeah, we'll figure that out. Just plug your shit and then... No, no. We already just... Yeah. We already... We did that. That's the episode we did good

we're on we're back on schedule yeah alright what am I supposed to say the fucking good good night yeah yeah good night good luck yeah good Fucking good night? Yeah, yeah.

Good night and good luck. Yeah, good night. Good night. Good luck. Maybe next week I'll not be sick.