Stuff Island - Stuff Island #41 - hippie horse ride w/ Kevin Ryan

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

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I like Queen, then I just, when I left and then I came back, I'm like, oh, I fucking hate you. Dude, you're under the L. It's like... The L. Whatever you call it. Did you just change shirts? I did. He said something about Queens, I changed. That's fucked up.

What? First of all, we're a mile away from the train. I know, I'm just saying in general. You can't hit the train. No. Oh, because we're close to a train? No. What do you got?

No, being under that thing. You're like stuck in traffic. I don't care if there's- Oh, you're stuck in your Uber. All right. You got fucking balls right now, Kev. Oh, what do you tell- Oh, you still take the train.

You were late the other day. No, I take both. Depends on- I've been on a platform for 25 minutes. I'm going to be late today. I'll tell you what I do. I wait until the time, if it's like rush hour hour and it says 45 minutes to get there on a fucking on the L line to deep Brooklyn where you scumbags live.

I live in Manhattan. What are you talking about? It's not helping my story. Yeah. Well, so you just named a barrel that's not in the story. It's on a platform for 25 minutes. Why didn't you just Uber? Because it's the same time.

And it's like 45 hours. Not with a 25 minute delay. What? Not with a 25 minute delay. Not with a 25 minute delay. Yeah, that a 25 minute delay yeah that's why i know it takes 25 minutes to get there there's a 25 what are you doing what the are you doing i don't know who's on whose side and i don't know i don't know this is ridiculous well i missed the first fight i gotta jump in so yeah well queens is it's nice queen is great yeah this is great, yeah. This is like Northeast. Yeah, no, you know, it's great.

It's got a neighborhood feel. It's great, yeah. It's awesome. Dude, I was in Williamsburg this weekend. It's like getting off the train at fucking Disney World. Everybody's in a costume. There's other places to live than here and fucking Williamsburg. There isn't, is what I'm telling you.

No, there is. You wanna go see my backyard? I got a lot of life out there. Yeah, okay. Cats that I don't want. Raccoons. Tomatoes. We got fucking grass a lot of life out there. Yeah, okay. Cats that I don't want. Raccoons. Tomatoes. We got fucking grass you can put your feet in.

It's amazing. You got grass you can put your feet in? There's a park, yeah. Yeah, a park. Is it in your backyard? No. Well, suck my bird. I mean, also, who defines it as grass they can put their feet in?

Well, it's nice. That doesn't mean there's rolling hills out there. Grass. There's nine blades of grass. No, it's a nice change. If the wind's blowing right, you can get your feet in. It's a nice change. Wait till you see when you fully do look at this next month.

Oh, is that what we're doing? Yeah, we're going to do it outside. Shoes off. Shoes off in the grass. My toes, we each have to take turns because they can't fit more than two feet at a time. Yeah, you guys will ruin my soil. I can't have you two- That's good top soil. You two big bodies in the kitchen.

We got to get you out back. Dude, my buddy used to live next to Wrigley Field in Chicago. And when they would have concerts, they would cut up the whole field and just leave the sod outside the building. Like they would just- Really? Yeah. Tell me he stole it.

Yeah. He would take the sod and put it on his deck. He just lived in like an apartment and had like a back porch. That rules. He would just put it down on his back porch and just stand there and barbecue. Well, sod is- I kind of like that. I believe it's thick enough to grow underneath the dirt itself, right?

It probably is. I don't know. We were a big sod family. When you buy- Neither was I. No, we were. Oh, you were? Oh my God. My dad was nuts and he would re-sod the backyard every year. Neither was I. No, we were. Oh, you were? Oh, my God.

My dad was nuts that he would re-sod the backyard every year. I respect that. I'd have to go down to this place in the Northeast. That's Pucco Bucks. Oh, he just was looking to spend money. Yeah. Where you do the whole backyard. That's how he gets back at the wife.

And then you would drown it. It would die. Who re-sods in fucking the middle of August? That's right. He would come back in the afternoon and be fucking torched. That's crazy.'s a lot of money we looked it up yeah that's why we don't have any money left yeah the 90s were a good year yeah well you love our weed lawn it's all weeds i think i was back there i felt it was all concrete no there's half concrete yeah all right half grass you guys are really paying this out to be some sort of estate or something.

It is nice. Half grass that looks like concrete. Yeah. You guys, look, let's start over. Kevin, happy birthday. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. Happy fucking birthday.

I appreciate that. Very, first of all, if. Oh, cheers. We'll cheers it up. Thank you. Back. Seven days. Oh, my God. talk about the worst invite

of my life i have so i'm playing in a dinner right a nice little b-day dinner for me and my me and my close pals whatever a nice little have very last minute uh so we get a table at this cool restaurant on the lower east side and it was as it was outdoors and there was going to be like five or six of us it was outdoors and they're like hey i was like can we get moved indoors like it's got to be like a table of eight like it's got to be a bigger party that's how chris and i got in yeah because it was a day i didn't even want to i figured you guys were doing i figured you were in philly or just like moving around it was like super last minute you never assume we're yeah it turns out chris was at the

restaurant already i I was actually- He texted me at nine. The reservation was at 9.30. He texted me at nine. The guy goes, I'm here. You said the reservation was at nine. No, it was 9.30. No, it was 9.30.

I texted, hey, I'm going to be 15 minutes late. You were 20 minutes early. Go to the receipts. You weren't even there yet. He shows up, how was your birthday party? I wasn't even, dude, I felt rushed. I'm like, all right. I was out back seeding the lawn.

You and my dad? Where the fuck is this? I felt rushed. I was out back seeding the lawn. You and my dad. Where the fuck is this? So I'm like, who are two good time buddies who are just going to go in, get lit,

get fucking lit, have a good night. You know, I picture like a dinner from Goodfellas. Everybody's laughing and fucking. And then I go,

yeah, I go, make sure you get there by 930. They're real weird about seeding the whole fucking. Yeah. Wop. And then I go, yeah. I go, make sure you get there by 930. They're real weird about seating the whole party. Yeah. Like they won't seat the whole party. It's an OG Wop place where it's like they make their own fucking noodles.

So then you go, oh, don't worry. We'll be there at eight o'clock. We're not drinking this week. And I like literally wanted to throw my phone out the window. You literally said invitation rescinded. I said invitation rescinded. And I meant that. I'm not even like 94%. I know you did.

If you guys would have been like, yeah, no, I totally get it. I would have been like, all right, later. I would have been against a glass like this. I was so mad. I'm like, two of the biggest fucking dirt bag booze bags. I know. I choose to. Guess what? Saved you a thousand dollars. You see the way Foley was sucking down those martinis? Do you know how much those martinis were?

They were $20. I found the receipt this morning and I put these pants on. He's like, hey, baby doll. Dude, he got six of them. They were a buck. That line at him for the Grey Goose martini was $120. I was like, this fucking idiot. Let's get into my booze-less week. He's going to be so, so pissed when he hears that.

My fucking... Also, he caved. He didn't make it through the dude. He made it through one dish. He made it through the appetizers and he's like, I'll do a whatever. Yeah, I did the right thing. Yeah. The right thing was to cave. Nobody was drinking.

Everybody was drinking. No, there wasn't that many. That's why I was so mad. My wife doesn't drink. Yes. Toby doesn't drink. Toby's on the wagon. Rubenoff isn't drinking. Right. Yeah. So like half. And I'm like, and then I't drink. Yes. Toby doesn't drink. Toby's on the wagon. Romanoff isn't drinking.

Right. Yeah. So like half. And I'm like, and then I'm like, cool to bring the vibes up. I'll invite you to fucking the jurors. And then I get you on a sober week, which has never happened ever. Since high school. Yeah.

Fucking suck a dick with that shit. You ruined my birthday. I fucking made it. I did ruin your birthday. That's why I invite you tonight. Because we're going to get blacked out. We're going to fist fight in the grass. I'm going to leave right after the show.

I'm going to leave right after the show. Fuck him. I'm following him. I'll ruin your show. I'll get blacked out at your fucking show. I love it. I am sorry. It was a wonderful dinner.

It ended up being... No, it ended up... That was just like... Yeah, it was just like, fuck. Yeah. Because I pictured everybody all getting fucked up but that would be a great night it was a great dinner great hang everybody blended well again it was a good uh it was great it was a good hang and then he started boozing maybe the best spread

it's good food in that place to finish i don't know who ordered the fucking the apps top to finish that was good top to finish look guys i'm thinking about blowjobs this is my first beer I'm very horny no but I yeah it was good I quarterbacked that a little bit you did yeah I've been there before yeah can we say the place yeah peasant yeah it's I don't know you didn't say it the first time

it's a rich it's not like I'm going to exclusive places I got it on fucking open table I know but it's nice yeah it's very nice yeah the I know, but it's nice. Yeah, it's very nice. Yeah, the dinner was incredible. Yeah, it was really good. Also, I don't think I'm a fucking, I don't think I'm a sober bad hang.

No, it was great. The non-alcoholic pilsners? Yeah, you know how much they were? Like 12 bucks a clip. That's what I'm paying for all you fucking assholes to drink non-alcoholic beers. You ended up costing me 480 bucks in non-alcoholic alcohol. What the fuck is that? He was slurping them down. He got there at 9 o'clock and was ordering them.

Dude. Chris is pre-gaming on you, Bill. I didn't even get a sixer in front of him. Well, I mean, it's like every situation is new. You know what I mean? It's like you show up. I walk in there. First of all, I took a lap around the block and that whole area

is insane. It's literally just models hanging out against cars. I so don't belong down there. That's not my kind of people. Stay in Queens. I'm a Washington Heights kind of guy. You got to head for Queens. That was stressing me out.

Then we go in, it's just you and me. We're waiting for everyone else. So you sit down at the bar and it's like, well, now. Fuck, dude. Why do you have to fight for? I'm sitting bar and it's like, well now. Fuck, do I need a drink? Why do you have to fight for it? You have to fight for it. I'm sitting there, I'm sitting there, it's me, my wife and him,

and they're both drinking non-alcoholic beers. I wouldn't put a gun in my mouth. I know, I can feel it. I'm like, this is the worst night of my life. I can feel it. I'm so sorry. No, it's okay. Because anytime we have like a, most of our buddies are becoming like,

you know, sober and shit. I know. I'm thinking about, I'm like, do I have to go? Now you're that guy. It feels like you're doing like coke in front of him. When like, you hang out with a non-drink. I know. Yeah, dude about, I'm like, do I have to go? Now you're that guy. It feels like you're doing like Coke in front of him. When like you hang out with a guy. I know. Yeah, dude, it's just not drinking.

Because I start counting my drinks. I'm like, is four too many? You know what I mean? I'm like. My old pudding. Yeah, because then like it was taking a little while to get to drinks. So like she would drop one. I'd be like, hey, can I do another one?

No, because it's taking. Yeah. So I felt like the biggest fucking alcoholic. I was doing the same thing with non-alcoholics. Yeah. Anytime she'd come around, I'm like, another one. They were a little slow at service. Yeah.

It was good. This boy. Fucking hilarious. That was like the wildest turn. Dude, I'm sitting next to him and I'm like, so Foley's like pissed. Foley's like, oh, what are the boys doing? I go, dude, they're not drinking. He's like, the fuck you mean they're not drinking?

He was proper upset. Dude, I remember him. I'm like, they're doing a sober week. He's like, get the fuck out of here. He's going, start tomorrow. We weren't even done like the appetizers fall. He's looking at Kevin. Go, Kev, after this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's asking to get the horn after this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's wrap this. Let's get this shit to go. Let's go get fucked up. He said, you don't get out at all, do you? He was actually, it was a fucking bachelor party weekend. I know god but you you went from non-alcoholic get a drink i know but this

god didn't want him to drink that night because i'm sitting next to him and he's low and i don't want to encourage because that's a very like i get you're doing the sober thing that's fine whatever and i can see him i see the wheels turning i couldn't he's looking at the cocktails on the left-hand side of the menu and I'm like, he's going to go. I don't want to push him, but he's going to go. Let me tell you something.

It would have took a feathers push together. And it did. Let's talk about this. So he goes, I'll take the tequila sunrise or whatever the first thing was. Yeah, yeah. He did not. That was a Yeah, yeah. You did not.

That was a mezcal drink. It was something. It wasn't a beer. I know that much. What's up, Shaney? Is there booze in those cookies? That was the weirdest series of events I've ever seen in my life. Is that like an ongoing bit you guys do?

You're like, hey, come down in nine minutes and drop eight goods. And don't say a word um so he ordered he goes to order like yeah like uh whatever the fuck it was yeah and she goes uh we're out of that and he goes out like that was his he was fine he could have backed away then and been like he's like this isn't good he goes that's a sign to not drink well i was trying to kind of do it on the sly you know so before i got there and i knew he's like this isn't good he goes that's a sign to not drink well i was trying to kind of do it on the sly you know before i got there and i knew you were like you were side i was all i had your fucking number man so already i like placed the order and you were like what was that i was like nothing and i look over she's like we're out of that i'm like well give me whatever else has booze in it. Holy fuck.

And then, yeah, and then I was off to the race. And you were off. Yeah, that tasted like shit. You went and then you jumped back to not knock all the beer. Which blew my mind even more. Me too. I know. You already messed up.

Yeah. You're going to do the whole week. Also, he had nothing. He was being supportive. Well, he doesn't learn. He learned this that night. In support of him. What?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, so yeah, tell that part of the story. Because I wasn't there for that.. In support of him. Oh, yeah. So, yeah. Tell that part of the story. Because I wasn't there for that. You just, you left. You got in an Uber. I'll tell the fucking story. And then he's back. And he's like, let's go to a bar.

I'm like, what the fuck just happened? This is what I'm talking about with the feathers pressure. He didn't need much. Yeah. The man was already. He was locked in. Checked out. He was ready to fucking boost.

And he had no he wasn't i i had made a bet with our trainer that which i didn't know about but you know there was money on the line no no you just thought it was like hey we're getting our life together a little bit yeah for what i don't know you're the one doing it it's a joke so i didn't know you did those so yeah true i'm working on it so i get a free month of training if i get through a week and i hadn't done seven days honest to god since high school i haven't done i mean yeah you're not gonna collect on this bet are you i get a free month of training you're gonna actually take it what the fuck you mean oh i like this this is you two being from two different worlds and i love it what do

you mean you can't actually collect that bit i gave this mother steve i gave you i gave him four i got i got feeny foley you fucking shane yeah but still what do you mean but still i'm putting this kid through fucking great school his kid money out of this kid's mouth. First of all, the whole sober weekend. Out of the mouth. You're doping, basically. You're getting paid not to drink. So what?

So that doesn't count. Are you minimizing my fucking... Yeah. My powers? Yeah, dude. This is what I'm here for. I'm so impressed. What an asshole.

It only took seven minutes. What a piece of shit. We were at dinner and he started... What a piece of shit, Fred. I started boozing and he was like, no, man, I'm not doing it. I was like, fuck, dude. I'm like really impressed. Uh-huh. Then I find out he's getting paid. Yeah a piece of shit. We were at dinner and he started boozing and he was like, no, man, I'm not doing it. I was like, fuck, dude. I'm like really impressed.

Then I find out he's getting paid. Yeah. It's like, well, yeah, of course. Oh, so it's less. So he just thought, yeah. Definitely.

What are you doing, man? All I do is support you. All I do is support you. Instead of just going on a party at once. I would have been boozing all week in your face if I knew there was money

on me. I would have not done anything. Dude, was you know my saturday night was wilder than this fucking this party with comics in terms of not doing temptation temptation yes i can talk about it sure it was crazy and if i got past that i was like i can get past anything yeah as long as someone this is about me do it this is about you're on the payroll, you took a gig. Huh? Oh. You took a gig. You were working.

You're goddamn right. Yeah. And I got paid and I won. No, that's crazy. And we're all better for it. This guy's not gonna be able to buy his daughter Christmas presents. Why are you doing this?

Why are you doing this? He's gonna catch you. He's gonna take a week off from partying. This motherfucker's gonna have Christmas and Hanukkah because he's got you and the rest of my fucking crew. Also, there's another asterisk. Shout out. It sounds like a real pyramid scheme if you ask me.

It's not in the training. It's in the licenses. That's where the money's at. Honestly, God. I feel like you really haven't learned anything if you collect that bet. All right, Chris. I won't collect the bet.

That's pretty good. you haven't really taken in what it means to go weeks over the fact that you would take a negative look and i'll look on on all of this positivity i realize number one there's a lot of hours in the day you're not hung over it's the worst it's crazy doing two a days. I do a workout and then run around when I normally have a couple beers. Yeah. I also realized a non-alcoholic beer has come a long fucking way. That German Pilsner we had at dinner was good. Was very good.

Yeah. Fucking better a bit. Fucking cocksuckers. Dude, the IPA is- I said, hey, you were very cordial and a little too- It's a corporate expense. We talked about podcasting or something at some point yeah we're doing all right fly i don't know

points back on it yeah also the hardest part was the sleep right was going to sleep yeah i'm just being like i guess i'll stand up and walk to my room now and lay down and think about everything. Holy fuck. I couldn't do it. I can't do it. I'm on quite a bender right now. Dude, it was, I woke up in the middle of one night, furious. Just, I needed to read a poem.

Yeah, that's what he was telling me. He was like, I had to wake up and read a poem. I'm not even a poem guy. I was just, I ordered poem, books of poems. I know. What the fuck? I still don't understand that sentence. You got balls.

Dude, I was like having. I need something I still don't understand that sentence. You got balls. I need something. Maybe it's a tree. A cookie. Nah, it's gotta be something more. A poem. I needed someone saying flowery shit that was not like a literal... You should've came to my room. I'm speaking up for flowers.

Oh, man. Me, I'm watching fucking murder videos. Yo, the clarity of your nightmares oh there was a guy on rogan that spoke about he was like a neurologist or neuroscientist or something he was like a dream specialist or something he said if you're if you're constantly clogging whatever the mechanism is sure to create dream scenarios with with your mind if you're clogging that with substances whether it be booze or drugs it backlogs them oh boy to the point where you have to you'll eventually get to

them there's like a library of old dreams that you've never gotten to and it floods the system when you have clarity so that whole week was non-stop vivid nightmares and it was wonderful when i say what a time now it was a roller coaster of fucking vivid nightmares and you like that i did because i've been training i've been watching like been training for what no not training but i watch like i watch a lot of violent shit i watch like murder videos okay so i think my tolerance he's watching a murder video like these nightmares are crazy yeah my tolerance you're a fucking lunatic my so you're trying to build your tolerance to fuck no i didn't know what i'm saying is the benefit of watching those videos everybody would define that as a benefit i know

sitting in a nightmare and going let's see how this ends pretty fucking whoa i was waking up instead of waking up ice man instead of wake instead of waking up you kuklinski yeah the ice man big fan i love his work yeah the crossbow story is the best one i don't even know that one yeah he stopped some guy on a icy road just to see if a crossbow would kill someone. Asked him for directions. Ah. It works. Must be his early work.

He really did a deep dive on him, huh? His early years. Didn't he tie someone in a cave and just have rats eat him or something? Is that the same guy? What the fuck do you two do over here all the time? I don't know. This is insane. We do lawn work and murder.

Can I get a cookie? We're big into mulching. He's dead serious. Can I sweeten this up? Burke, shout out Burke for his edit on that fucking- Oh, fish video. The fish video. I haven't got a chance to see it, but I'm good, thank you.

This is from Shane's girlfriend. I'm a, when's this coming out? Huh? When's this coming out? when's this coming out this wednesday wednesday i'm getting indicted in fat court coming up whoa whoa whoa yeah explain fat court fat court is what we i've gotten foley was like i you know he's becoming quite a larger gentleman and it was like a year so we were doing fat court on the patreon uh... I like that you, like, place a Grubhub order. You go to the door to get it.

It's a kind of windbreaker. You fucking talk. It's the alphabet boys coming to get it. Kevin Wright? Yep. He's wearing a Popeye's hat. You've been served. We have a sign, Warren, please vacate the premises.

They walk out with like my bread maker and stuff. My panini press. Yeah, we're going to take it. You're taking all my shit. We're going to take

your $300 air fryer you'll never use, you fat shit. I do have one. We've used it twice, dude. Of course. I was like, give me the best one

they fucking got. Air fryer for fatties is like a fucking treadmill for like. Just hanging a t-shirt over the air fryer. I got no space for this. Yeah. I put on a couple of pounds. So it's, it's, it's also, it's very- Who called you to fat court?

This was just for Foley originally, right? 100,000 people last week. Yeah. So, well, it's also tough because I've made a lot of money by calling another guy fat. Yeah. So the second you start putting on a little bit of weight yeah it's the fucking yes all eyes on you you know what i mean well it's also difficult you guys are you're traveling a lot you know it's tough lifestyle's nuts regardless yeah yeah it's tough and plus i like

boo and like i don't move as much anymore like i'm not i don't need you know you're an uber guy you're not like a queen's guy also i don't have a day job anymore man i used to leave the house at fucking 9 a.m and be out till fucking midnight you know go and then doing spots and shit like that so i'd be out like just at least moving and burning calories so just what what do they do in fat core what is like oh you go wait in so we've been weighing them in every month where do you go like a like an animal shelter we haven't talked about this i literally had to buy so when we put you on one of those horse wake scales? Dude, that's what was on the box when I bought it. Why?

Because it's like a veterinary scale. It's stainless steel to clean up any mess or whatever. Like what? Like horse shit? Whatever. Who knows? These animals. Oh, my God.

These obese animals. Clean up any mess? What's dropping on these fucking things? Dude, if it's a goat or something. They just shit. You ever see a horse shit? Yeah, it just that's why i love horses but i lose a lot of respect for them they don't bend over and shit why like a way i gain respect no you know i wish a dog like it like gets down and like i lose respect for that too because they're like shameful

they look at me like don't look at me that shameful. That's what I would do. It's a level of consciousness that they have that's like, I like that. You're a little bit closer to me. You're hiding.

If you just walk around and shit's falling out of your ass. Hilarious. Yeah, you're a boss. It's not funny. Dude, if I could walk in the bathroom and just stare in the mirror and go,

no, they don't even do that. Drop trout. They'll be like chewing. Just loads falling out yeah there's literally a bag behind him on the carriage yeah it's like crazy yeah they don't know there's a time and place to shit why does every horse carriage guy dress like a magician those cocksuckers around the central park they all got the large top they're like prop they're like one week away from being homeless those guys they're Yeah, I used to walk by.

My old day job, I'd get off at 59 at Columbus Circle, and I walked across Central Park South every day to Park Avenue. So I pass these guys every single day for five years, twice a day, and they are some of the craziest people you will ever meet. They're eating the horse food and stuff. They're taking animals out of the bucket. It's a scene they're yelling they're fighting with each other they have like dirt dirty portland dreads it's

fucking yeah they're fucking yeah they're they're odd people i mean at the end of every day if you had to like take your top hat off and put your rags back on yeah yeah it's uh there's like a big petition now going around to to ban those because like about i think it's like one a year dies yeah they're abusive they just collapse in the fucking yeah like yeah like on like fifth avenue and they gotta move a dead horse damn dude two a day there's two of them that's what we should do we should throw a rope around their fucking hippie necks and drag have them drag these Russian foreigners around. Look at the fucking sights and sounds.

Sure. Imagine that. Imagine having three fucking hippie Clydesdales. Well, they have those now on the- And they're shitting upright. While you take around some Russian heiress. Just stopped at a red light. There's a stick with a frisbee in front of it.

They just fucking can't get it all day. I got it. I got it. Dude. That's great, dude. Just a hacky sack hanging off of their fucking nose. I interrupted you about the fat court. You get measured? Yeah, what's your normal fat court?

You get measured? No, I don't measure. You just get weighed. And then he owed me a bunch of money. Henry did. He owed the company a bunch of money. Yeah. You got us kicked out of a fucking $5,000 Airbnb.

For smoking a heater. Yeah. On premise. Also, that's dog shit. What? You were smoking a heater in the fucking driveway, right? Yeah. He knew we weren't allowed to.

And I told him. He goes, I'm going to smoke one right here. I go, don't do it, man. It seems like a bad idea. Is this because he couldn't walk to the street? He wouldn't walk to the street. He wouldn't waddle the street. Yeah. Does this guy have cameras in the house?

No, not in the house. I mean, he might have. We didn't see them, but I don't think in the house, no. But he got a t-shirt merch out of it. Did that pay for it? No. $5,000 in one t-shirt? No way.

They have to move a lot of fucking t-shirts but no so i mean whatever so i then i got called i've obviously i got you know but it's it's like people like you're the same size and i'm like he's 150 pounds heavier than me and it's infuriating me so um, yeah, I think everybody's calling. So what does Fat Court look like? Is it inside the same studio? Yeah, I mean, it's not. We're not going to Judge Judy's cell. I don't fucking know if you've got a set set up. It's a separate place. Yeah, no.

There's not like a holding cell they put me in. It's a civil court. It's more of court. What did they do? It's more of an arbitration. Yeah, it's more of like we just weigh Foley every month. Everybody just stands on a scale. Not yet.

Not everybody. Typically Foley. He was the one with the weight problem. How's he doing this month? Is he down? He was down. I think he's down a total of like, I don't know. We get weighed in on tomorrow.

We're going to get weighed in on tomorrow we're gonna get weighed in tomorrow uh so i he was down like a total 35 pounds or something like that i don't know what from when uh three months maybe that's great something like that's pretty good 10 pounds a month yeah shout out for yeah trending in the right direction yeah i'm taking your fucking money so he's doing good but now I'm you know I have to meet the hangman so they're gonna wait you and then you're the lol baby and then you're gonna wait every

I'm gonna get wait every month but we gotta come up I don't know the there's gotta be some sort of monetary incentive exactly I can only lose money. I can only be like, if I don't hit the goal, I pay. There's no like.

Yeah, what's the incentive? Yeah. Yeah. Like, if he hits the goal, he doesn't, every month, he doesn't owe me $1,200. Is that the, that's the bet? Yeah, he owes me $5,000. Whoa.

And doesn't have it. Or didn't have it. So I'm like, like you pay me in twelve hundred dollar installments over the next four months but if you come in under the weight if you if you lose five pounds a month you don't have to pay me yeah so i'm essentially paying him five thousand dollars to lose weight yeah is what it's going to right yeah wow and people think i'm mean to them. It's crazy. Yeah. It's absolutely, I'm like, I'm saving his life. I'm like, I'm the only guy.

People are like, you gotta be, I'm like, he's 405 pounds. Like, you're not the only guy. Well, like, I know, I know. I'm just saying. You're not. Five pounds is insincerity. People are like, there's comments that are like,

let him be, I'm like, let him be. No, they don't get it. They don't understand. Yeah, he's a special being. But he's doing great. He needs to be protected. That boy is. Yeah, oh, of course. National treasure. He is a a fucking treasure one of the greatest human beings i've ever met

if not d so is he i would debate that but what is he on well five five thousand dollars in your try yeah try logging him around fucking north america for the past 18 months dude oh man just complains about everything yeah oh he's a fucking dude dude you're like we'll turn down a airport terminal we'll be like i'll look i'll be like oh we're b 62 and you're at like b's fucking four yeah he's calling one of those football cards you're you know you're in for a bad day you know know your day's going to suck. What the fuck? And they got a McDonald's in here. He's just fucking every fucking thing, dude. Dude, I'm going to sympathize with him on that one.

That fucking, that B-62 shit is fucking ridiculous. Dude, especially LaGuardia now. You're like, this is a tiny airport. Dude, LaGuardia fucking sucks. All of a sudden, there's 90 gates. I know. It's like, what the fuck is this? Every single flight.

God, I'm sorry. Yeah, they have like a thing now when you get in like they'll be like gates you know 72 through 81 and i remember the first time i saw it it was like 12 to 15 minute walk or whatever it was like well that's got to be for something yeah somebody else that's wrong yeah that's it was 15 minutes yeah it's crazy yeah what are you guys out of your fucking mind yeah they should have a zip line in a fucking oh that's pretty good yeah yeah we should all go down to like the luggage conveyor belt yeah they should you know the fat

the fast uh the walking thing flat escalators huh do you take those fast and then you walk even fit you got your hyper speed on those And then you stumble and you get off. On your left. Absolutely. On your left. Who's clogging the left artery? Pass it. You have a real piece of shit to clog that left artery.

Oh, yeah. Where are you from? What do you know? I know. Get the fuck out of there. How about an escalator? What are your thoughts on an escalator? Escalators at the airport are tough because everybody's got luggage.

You can't be fucking. True. You can't be dragging a fucking. If I got a bag, I'm walking. Okay. Easy pace. Easy. And if someone. You can't be fucking. True. You can't be dragging a fucking. If I got a bag, I'm walking. Okay. Easy pace. Easy. And if someone's bumping the left lane, I purposely nudge them with the bag on their head.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't care what age they are. Get out of my fucking lane. What sex they are. Boom. Yeah, you don't discriminate. No, I'll hit a five-year-old kid right in the fucking skull. Okay.

Because you got to learn. You got to learn. Yeah, people don't know that you stay to the right. year old kid right in the fucking skull okay because it's you gotta you gotta learn you gotta learn yeah people don't know that you stay to the right yeah if they're from a different country i'll give them a better i feel like it's a very new york specific kind of thing stay no it's not it's common sense around but it's common sense yeah i mean it's based off driving no yeah that's the rule and everywhere to the fucking right also i'm thinking like ohio there's like they're not moving that many people where you're like oh what side are we on here i think they're all just walking around like zombies you see somebody in the left-hand lane with a

jersey plate does that not drive you fucking bananas they started the rule or they'll pull you over in jersey for hanging in the left-hand lane. And not passing. And not passing. Yeah. It's your fucking rule. Yeah, this is real Philly dirtbag shit. It is. You ever see someone with a jersey plate? This is for like 400,000 people. That's it. It'll fuck me up, dude.

It'll fuck me up for days. They think we suck at driving. New Yorkers think everybody just hates everybody. Everybody sucks. I completely concur with that. New Yorkers are bad at driving. They are. I will say that.

I'm going to open up a brake pad shop in New York. What? Because they go, everybody goes 70 miles an hour to a fucking red light. Yeah. Because they can't open it up. Mm-hmm. They get all fucking. Do you drive up here?

In a cab. Do you drive up here a lot? I don't. I haven't had a car since 2008. Okay. Yeah. When Uber drivers or cab drivers. I've never heard anybody quote the year. Yeah. Well, simple no, I don't have a car. First of all. Yeah. When Uber drivers or cab drivers- I've never heard anybody quote the year.

Yeah. Well, simple now, I don't have a car. First of all, it's a death in my family, dude. I miss having a car. Okay. I want to have a car. I'm going to get a car. All right.

I'll sell you mine. You can take over the payments on mine. What is it? Kia. No. All right. Why not? It's a brand new.

It's a nice car. What? What'd you say? Is it even or is it Korean? No, it's Korean. Yeah i only go i only go overseas acura infinity like a honda you haven't had a car since 2008 that's not you can't that's not a rule like i only go over ever since i hadn't my last two cars were an Infinity G35 and then an Acura TL. And I'll never go back to an American. I don't like seeing other American cars on the road.

That's because of fires and people. Yeehaw, get a voice. I like an American car. I just hate when they're behind me. Who? An American car. When they're behind you. Yeah.

Because you know if it's an American car, it could be a cop. Because cops are never going to buy an Acura. Man, you think very differently. Undercover cops. What? It's actually, no. No, they're still in. They're still in.

That's US cars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I see, if I see like a Ford or something behind me, I'm like, oh, fuck. Yeah, Ford. Do a Ford Explorer. Yeah. Because even like the, even the soccer moms have like the seven antennas on top. Yeah. I can't get a fucking ring on them. Because they got to get moms have like the seven antennas on top.

Yeah. I can't get a fucking ring on them. Because they got to get satellite TV. Yeah, exactly. So I'm like, they come stock with like the little guy, like the quarter inch fucking thing. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't get a ring on them. That is a brilliant idea for like a PI, private investigator. I love how I define it. But like jumping in like a fucking, you know, Mazda Miata. Oh, you'd mop up. Yeah. Yeah. All the surveillance, you'd mop up. Yeah. All the surveillance you can get, baby. Dude, bopping around a cheating wife in a Mazda Miata. You get me, that's for sure.

Watching her sucking something. I know. Roy Rogers. You got to be big on identifying the car. Do you? I'm like nuts. I anticipate them. I drive down the shore.

So you know where they sit. Yeah. So I'll never blow by one of those U--turns like the northbound southbound lane yeah i always just slow down a little bit and like i'll be looking yeah and if i don't see it i'll fucking go yeah open up they love the bottom of a hill too they love the bottom of it like they're mice They get under the cabinets here. That's what a gringer is. They love a bottom of the hill. Do you know what those hills are for? Do you ever see the hill on the side of a highway?

Oh no, the ramp for the- The ramp? Yeah, yeah. It's for a truck runoff. Runoff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought there was a sign that says that. Oh.

I mean, how do you think you knew that then? I looked it up. I tell you, one time I was in a semi-truck. I should have had my own. What if one time I just went up and looking for a turn? It's just a fence. It's literally like three feet deep of loose sand. That's so wild, dude.

Just a fucking 18-wheeler running out of brakes. They scare me, man. I know. Can you fucking imagine? Yeah. It's a great way to die. 18-wheeler running out of brakes. They scare me, man. I know. They scare me. Can you fucking imagine? Yeah. It's a great way to die. I watched this dude jump off a bridge.

He timed it so that he jumped off like a 15-foot overpass. Have you tried cartoons or something? I do. I watch cartoons. Yeah, murder cartoons. He watches Pawn Stars. He watches Glass. Oh, my God, dude.

Pawn Stars rules he watches food stuff and then murder food reality murder I really got into

Catfish recently what's that Catfish the TV show yeah no really never seen

never heard of it do you know what catfishing is yeah yeah it's based off yeah it's like a chick with a dick that's like come meet me

sure but it's rarely that I mean that seems very specific to you. That is one version. This seems like your truck runoff story. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? She said, so then no.

He says his name's Tina, but then you get there and you blow him anyway. Whatever. Why can't I just say one example and everybody goes, yeah, you're right. That's it. That's catfishing. Jesus Christ. That question was more of a statement. I don't know an example of the perfect catfish.

Some dumb whore. Yeah. It's typically, yeah, it's not who that you're, you're not representing who you say you are for whatever reason. A lot of them started just to like dick around, like whatever their board or something. But it's such a wild examination of human behavior. It's fucking crazy.

These people fall for it. Dude, it'll be a guy like me. Like, yeah, she messaged me out of nowhere. And then they'll show like the most catfish looking picture in the world. It's just like this Russian model with like big lips and huge tits.

Like, I think she loves me, man. I've been sending her money every month. What are you doing? It's like short journey mentality. It's like, you see, it's a human condition where you can convince yourself of anything, right?

Like you can create the reality of like, I'll gonna completely look away from these blind spots and just think this woman loves me. Yeah. On the off chance that it's going to work. On the off chance that it's true. Yeah. Cause I'll kill myself if I was like,

fuck off. And then that was a real person yeah yeah yeah because you're like this could be this could be how it works she loves me for me yeah she likes you like a dude or some traits like yeah it's it's never the same person yeah what's that reality show it's a documentary rather on reality shows that's something in the 90s dark side of the 90s yeah i don't think i know that one that dude that um what's her name the talk show sally jesse rafael no no but it's a blonde ricky lake no now it's a latest one the blonde the latest one yeah no you you'll never get it's like it's jesse lane or jesse jones jesse no something like that anyway okay the point is like they had a show where they'd like come on you know they like your secret crush reveal kind of thing and um they brought this guy on and uh he thought he's

gonna meet some hot chick yeah it's a dude or something yeah and he's like the guy was like i'm gay i'm hoping you're gay and he was like i'm not hot chick. It's a dude or something. And he's like, the guy was like, I'm gay. I'm hoping you're gay. And he was like, I'm not. But he had such a freak out over the whole thing that he went and killed the guy. I heard about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Afterwards.

That's pretty cool. No, not at all. That came off really bad. It's just a crazy thing to see. It's not cool. I don't condone that. That's the ultimate catfish. You got to kill him no well

that's a that doesn't that that happens a lot of time with uh trans people yeah like girl like trans i guess women they get back they convince a dude who's drunk at a bar they get back yeah and they find you know they still have a sausage and they you Yeah, but it's like, if you, the thing is that, before, you'd be like, oh, that guy's just not gay, and, you know, whatever. But it's like, you go and kill the guy,

it's like, you're gay. That's a good point. You're totally gay. Yes, you are totally gay. You are totally dealing with that yourself. Yeah, you got the worst of both worlds. You are, everyone definitely knows you're gay, and now you're in prison for murder yeah but when you're in prison it's like disneyland yeah yeah it's bottle disneyland there was uh he did on purpose

constantly like this is not by choice yeah i dropped the soap again there was a night we were down in the village uh it was like a sund a night we were down in the village. It was like a Sunday night. We were doing shows. Show sucked or whatever. It didn't get off. It was like, you know, you're trying to bark people in or whatever.

It's me, Foley, and a couple other people at the Village Lantern. And I'm standing out front smoking a cigarette. And this like smoke show walks up in a red dress a red dress and she's like hey what are you doing i'm like i'm just you know something she's like oh do you have a light or something so we're just like you know we're the only two out on the street so we're just sitting there having a cigarette and uh i'm like i'm like you want to grab a drink and she's like i'm like what are you doing she had a date it sucked or something i don't know i'm like let's grab a drink so we go in and she's like i'm like what are you doing she got i had a date it sucked or something i don't know i'm like let's grab a drink so we go in and she's like gorgeous yeah right and if i walk in with it's like foley and like the rest of our crew you know like everybody's sitting there and i walk i

go outside to smoke a cigarette by myself i come in with this girl in a red dress and they're like what the fuck i don't even look at everybody all the other four people in the so i just go down to the end of the bar and like we sit in a booth and i'm like what the meanwhile i don't have any money so i gotta go over to like fully like no give me 20 till tomorrow so i can buy take it off my five thousand you don't have to buy a brand i'm gonna owe you in eight years sucker bird i'll pay for um so we end up uh we end up like start making out there at the bar like crazy. And I'm like, but she is like, feels freshly shaven. Oh boy. Like, you know what I mean?

Like, you know, do you ever like kind of like go in and like give your uncle a kiss on the cheek or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, so now I'm trying to do like. Dick math. Yeah, I'm trying to do like anatomy math a little bit. I'm like feeling the shoulders and stuff. I'm like trying to figure. And she did have it pronounced Adam's apple.

So I'm like this. Which you found sexy at the time. Which made me rock hard. Just Matt Damon and Good Will Hunting just trying to figure out if the chick has a dick. But it's also like this girl's fucking hot yeah so i'm like i don't do i care do i start asking yourself some hard questions but as you're like making out with her you're like i don't you you don't have the clear the clear-mindedness to start doing rational thinking when you're making out with a hot chick but it could be a dude and you're like i'm not i don't know

what so they're like foley comes like i'll see you guys later i'm like i don't know i'm like this is crazy yeah so then i started i'm like this seems a little too good to be true yes so we get so she's like let's we're like oh let's get out of here or whatever we'll split a cab we're both going uptown we're like oh we'll let's get out of here or whatever. We'll split a cab. We're both going uptown. We're like, oh, we'll split a cab. And in my head, I'm like, this is fucking this is dead set. I'm like, this is we're both in a cab. Let's go to the bathroom.

We'll split a urinal. Let's split a blue chew and get out of here. But so now we're in the cab. And I used to treat the back of a cab like a motel six dude i'm just fucking i'd go i'd just start going to start going to town and anytime i go to reach for like you know something i'm getting like the push away so i'm like all right you know what i mean like but it's also like i'm like i gotta find out if i'm just kissing a dude if i'm kissing a dude right now you know what i mean yeah so and like the more i were like i feel like the the roughness on like around the lip you know what i mean and i'm like fuck dude so like i like i like it's like a brute commercial you're just you're just like dude for a penny, in for a pound.

You're wet, you're wet. I'm in the pool, daddy-o. Who cares if it's raining? It's like if we're being in the ocean with a thunderstorm going on. What's my hair gonna get messed up? Show me that bird. Show me that bird. I already bought it.

No, he bought us three cocktails. Let me see how it's not. It's already gonna cost. This is gonna cost me 50 bucks on Friday. Let me fucking. God. Been there. Yeah.

I have. So she got out and that was it. was it and you know for like a long so then like the next day i see full and i'm like that might was that a guy and like we start doing the math and you're like oh fuck it might have been um so i just kind of like lived with that for a while uh like fine with it i'm like all right whatever you kiss a dude or whatever i don't care yeah yeah um but then uh a few years ago i've a teddy bear before i mean that's weird was it a girl teddy bear at least you weird he's like i stuffed animals you know like that, no, dude, that's what you think. Oh, my God. I was drunk in a bar.

You were somewhere? Did you ever get a blowjob by a teddy bear? Felt a marble button nose on the tip of your... That's crazy, dude. Yeah, just necking. When did you fuck a teddy bear? Oh, when I was a kid. Oh, all right.

But isn't the teddy bear like your buddy? As a kid? You rub your bird against like pillows and shit. Cause it's, I never got that. I never got like mushing or like humping. I didn't start jerking off till like sixth grade. I remember this dude,

John Revy was like, he was two years older than me. And we were like fucking around like basketball or something. He was like, he's like, you beat off. And I was like, I was like,

no, no. Did he garden you on defense? I thought about it. He got right behind me. Lost by two. What a great play. Every coach lined that up in sixth grade, like asking if he beats off.

As soon as he thinks about it, just bust around. Just two guys talking. And he's like, go in the shower you shampoo and you jerk your dick off and i was like oh no no no no no shampoo and i beat up a that makes your dick hole burn yeah fire for like i did that it's yeah i thought i had an std i'm like this is fucking crazy that wasn't till eighth grade also the coach so you fucked your teddy bear your best friend i guess i was occupying a strange intellectual space there where i was dude

that's a wild way to put that yeah well i was just trying to i was i was like i knew that like his teddy bear is not my best friend but then i'm also fantasizing about fucking a bear you know sure so sure so it's a very complicated emotions with which you say you know yeah like we've just said like the craziest statement because you know what i'm talking about you're like no i don't fucking yeah no just swallowing a dolphin hole. You know? That reminds me. The last time we were here, we talked about, I won't jerk off when people are flying. That is so fucking funny, dude. Yeah. So fucking funny.

You still doing that? Yeah, for the most part. For the most part. Loved once. I had one slip up. To Cleveland. I was in Cleveland. In fact, he said Cleveland.

Jesus Christ. You just try to fuck it. You get a whiskey dick or something. Your dick's not working. You're like, someone must be flying. I don't even know what's happening. My family member's in the air. Anyway, how did this finish?

I didn't. No. What? How did what finish? Oh, I later saw the girl on uh she got suggested because we did follow each other on grinders on instagram man that's my kind of joke that's a kippy joke don't slip up already things move pretty fast um i s we did follow each other on social media i think that night or whatever but there was like she had like two pictures one of those things where it was like two pictures and you're like i'm like i can't get any i can't get a read on this um and then years

later she was like suggested i forgot her name was like anna marie or something i was like oh i think that's the fucking girl and i clicked and she was married with a kid so i'm assuming uh it was a chick wow i found her years later on social media like she was like suggested or they just adopted sure well look into it i that's enough evidence for me dude that's the answer i was looking for i'm not diving deeper yeah i'm not gonna start fucking kicking the bushes to see what kind of wieners come out you're nuts dude that's enough evidence like what she has a kid and then i can close that door on my in my brain oh man so did you guys hook up no no no we just made out yeah i can still feel like the woosies

you know a lot of greeks and ital of Greeks and Italians have fucking weird facial hair around their chin and face. I think she might have shaved. It feels like she shaved that day. Oh my god. It was tough. Tilled soil. It didn't look. It just felt like

your uncle's cheek. She was beautiful. It just felt like, you know, it felt like your uncle's cheek. You know what I mean? It was all, but like she was beautiful. It was crazy. Yeah. Yeah. That's happening now. There's just a lot of beautiful dudes. Yeah.

Well, all these Oh boy. Here we go. Get ready to cut. I wasn't going to say it. it said like an old oldsmobile turn over i wasn't gonna say anything i was just gonna say like all these tech dominated autistics they'll fuck a robot anyway let alone a woman with a dick that what was that movie ex machina yeah smoke show man that'll get, that'll make you start thinking. If you're not beating up that robot.

I just watched a tweet today where the robot. You watched a tweet? Yeah, I watched a tweet. Okay. Kevin, it was a Twitter video. All right, pop up. Jesus Christ. So there I am looking at the Twitters.

So I'm watching this tweet and the fucking. Yeah, Kevin, I watched the tweet watched the twitter video that i was watching was a robot the next generation of whatever these these fucking old mobiles are up to and this robot looks at the finger the the the some asian guys like trying to touch the nose of this robot and the robot is like reacting to it oh boy and then it gets close enough the robot grabs the the hand pushes it down and then looks directly at like the i guess whoever's running the project sure it's scary that's a guy robot type shit when they turn on you it was scary and the the facial the facial movements you know the eyebrows were like at first

like you know recognizing realizing reacting and then reacting in a way that's like like it's yeah that's no good you shouldn't be touching me yeah pushes away and then looks back at the what a strange thing to program how do you do it does it itself no it learns that well that you could just intelligence it's the learning aspect it's not like a pro like it's taking in stuff and constantly you start to program to get to that point so like you're this was no you program it you program it to learn you know you see those little fucking those little lobster robots that like come out and like in unison the dogs they look like yeah they look like dogs or whatever and there's like hundreds

of them that's dangerous for for war and shit i don't know i mean dude they could that could take over a city in 20 minutes but the ai when it like has a realization what just robot dogs release robot dogs in the middle of new york 100 chaos it'd be great chaos yeah there was a dominican uh street fair yesterday that would have been um so my point is the ai the ai functionality in this tweet scared the fuck out of me yeah yeah yeah. Because you could see this robot realize what was going on. It's like emotion. I'm like, what the fuck?

Emotion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was emotional. That's scary. There's a couple of real boys out there. But think about- Fucking one of those things. All these already-

Yeah. Immediately. That's what everybody's thinking about. Yeah. Well, do you jerk off with the Oculus? No, I did a couple times when I first got it, but now it it's too much effort it is a lot i mean that i don't think i could ever cross that boundary you know how like our dads learn to train you could definitely put i kissed them jesus christ my mom's watching this

you know like your dads just stop learning technology and whatever it was it could have been the polaroid camera yeah it could have been the flip phone yeah that's a jump inherently i know i'll never make yeah to like 3d porn or like some sort of experience thing or whatever i'll never cross that bridge yeah porn is me. Yeah. I've never liked jerking off to be like a big production. No. It's more clinical. Yeah. It's just. Yeah. Get it done. Get the biz done.

Move on. Plant that seed. Yeah. Move on. Move along. You had other things to do today. Yeah. I beat off the way like a. Oh God. First round pick. Wide receiver. Dumps and chicks on the road what do you mean just quick in and out yeah he just wanted to compare himself to a first yeah i would love you know like all-star all-study or something yeah it was all statewide receiver jerking off

imagine how good that must be being a first round pick top Top 10 pick. Yeah, it'd be fun. It'd be fun. Just getting a bag of 25 million, 22 years old. Yeah. Come on. It'd be a lot of pressure. What are you doing? I would freak out for sure. You think?

Yeah. Well, I mean, you'd probably build a life around being pretty confident. That's what I say. Yeah, because my cousin married a dude who actually just got rated the best, I think the best center of all time. They just came out with these wild scorecards. He was rated like 94.8 out of 100 or something. He was the highest paid center for a long time until that dude from the Steelers got a bigger contract.

He played for the Texans for a long time. Your cousin married him? My cousin married him, yeah. How'd they meet um i think he was in college or no college friend or something he went to the my he went to the university of miami on the market for a center yeah what the fuck no she's a she's very interesting she's a very attractive blonde guy and he's in the NFL. That's how I think they met. It sounds like she's a slug from Northeast Philly. She's an attractive lady.

That's why I'm asking. Did she have scruff or no scruff? Did I say blind guy? Blonde girl or something. He's a beautiful dude. I thought it was a masterful callback. She picked him up outside of the comedy club. Fuck, dude.

And I love talking to him about, like, just your mental. And those dudes are just, have always been, obviously there's trials and tribulations, but it's like, they've always just been the best. Yeah. They've always just been the best dude on the field at all time and like they're they just operate like yeah i'm gonna just i gotta fucking hit this guy yeah like you know what i mean yeah remember my sister was like he took us all to a game in texas and my sister was like it looks like his hands are like right in your asshole and like your ballsack and she's like are they he's like yeah and she's like doesn't that bother you he's like there's a 400 pound

man ready to who's right here who's sold he's paid millions of dollars to rip my head off yeah that guy's finger in my asshole is the least of my worries he's like yeah i gotta figure i think oh i don't prioritize shit here Chris and I were just talking about he didn't wear a cup in college across yeah so in like I never did either I didn't like college across but even around the house hey don't hey don't I hate I didn't wear on hockey I never did I I try. It's just like in the way, it doesn't feel good. I always just imagine the two ribs on the side, like just being on top of my balls at the wrong moment.

And just getting hit with a puck or a ball and just splitting my nuts wide open. Okay. You know, that's what I was always afraid of. Long balls. I don't know. Giant nuts. I still can't conceive of. Like a horse? I don't know. She had eight nuts. I still can't conceive of- Like a horse?

I don't know. Yeah, you ever been in a horse car? Tommy has like nuts, at least the way that he describes them, that do not seem, I don't know where they are. I don't know, like I still can't get- Yeah, I got a tight sack too.

Me too. Yeah, all right. Like a normal person. We've been doing this on the pod. Foley's got long balls and I'm team tight sack. For this too. Yeah, all right. Like a normal person. We've been doing this on the pod. Foley's got long balls. Yeah. And I'm team tight sack. For this size, you shouldn't have long nuts.

Yes. You got to get that from your mom's side. This is like a woman having scruff. Long nuts on a boy this short. That's weird. Scruff on a woman. You guys are crazy. Yeah, welcome to the show.

Just told you I kissed a guy. What are we doing? Long nuts. So easy, long nuts. I'm telling a story. told you I kissed a guy. What are we doing? Long nuts. So easy, long nuts. I'm telling a story. My nuts are on a leash. You need to put them on a leash. Yeah, yeah.

When it's hot, they get out. Anyway. They're allowed to run in the backyard with the grass. Put them in the grass. When it gets cold, they come back in. They snuggle up. That's why he's in Queens. You can say that.

That's your long nuts in the grass. I'm older. I'm settling down. I thought my balls need a place to roam. Can't do that in a Manhattan apartment. Your nuts don't have range?

Oh, no. Yeah. Really? No. Really? What's the first? Jesus Christ. What?

The concentration of... Oh, no. Hey, brought to you by Hoagie Shack. Shout out to Lee's hoagie shack oh no what would you say the maximum distance your nuts have been from your body I'm like, oh, right off Street Road. And I'm like, what the fuck? Street Road's bad. It kicks on out of nowhere. What would you say the maximum distance your nuts have been from your body? Are you talking about base?

Are you talking like the bottom of my nuts? I'm talking about however you want to make it. Don't act like it's fucking. I mean, they've always been connected to my body. I've never like left them in the other room. No, but there's the body proper and then there's the bag oh so how from bottom bottom to like bottom to grow like base yeah maximum length two inches hottest day of the year i think i'm a little bigger than two two inches i got a tight sack in two inches

dude that's hold on a second that's two inches. Dude, that's two inches. Yeah, dude, I don't know. Yeah. That's you? No, that's four inches. Okay. I like Tommy's school of math. I'm a four. Are you talking like, okay, so you're grundled to where your balls end?

Fours. What? Yeah. Like walking on your thighs. Yeah, like. And this is Max. This is coming out of a fucking hot tub. Yes.

Yeah, sauna. Hot tub with a tranny. Yeah. My nookies are fucking swanging. Yeah, I'm probably... This is the longest I could get. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, I got a tight sack.

Yeah, me too. Sometimes it looks like a walnut or something. I'm way up there, dude. Yeah. It does look like a walnut. Yeah. It does. It's like a young boy's sack.

It's just... Say it slower. You want a young boy's sack. It's just time. Say it slower. People get old. You want a cookie, dude? People get old. You got cookies. My skin just retained. I don't know.

It doesn't see daylight that much or something. It's not that, dude. You're just a good kid. I am. You're a good kid with a good sack. Do you have a wrinkly sack? Do you have a wrinkly sack? Yeah.

When it contrasts. You've been sitting around long enough. Yeah. Yeah. Well, when those wrinkles unfold, aren't you getting some distance? Yeah. I mean, yeah. Mine's, you know, I don't know.

I've never thought I had to think about that. Nobody talks about a shower grower with nuts. Oh, I'm a shower by. It's only bird. I mean, no, I'm a grower. If you were to pants me now, I'd have to quit comedy. I'm a proper grower. Tiny nuts, tiny bird, that's fine.

It's like a little peanut in a brush. Yeah. In a hedge. I'm a grower for sure. I'm a growerower. Tiny nuts, tiny bird, that's fine. It's like a little peanut in a brush. Yeah. In a hedge. I'm a grower for sure. I'm a grower with a tight sack. What else you want from me? That's fine. You're doing great.

How do you make it sound, man? No, that's important. I feel like every good athlete has a grower. Really? Yeah, get that dick out of the way if you got to move that's true I don't understand how people are running like that yeah well you should dick shouldn't be flopping around

okay have you got anything to promote before we jump to the page uh yeah check out our podcast are you garbage uh you two boys have done it multiple times I think at this point we gotta have you back another family app. If you're on Patreon,

check out our Patreon. It's pretty cool. Also, we're all over the road. We're going to be in Philly, Boston, Rhode Island, Seattle and Portland. I think Seattle sold out. So just Portland,

then Kansas City, St. Louis, Springfield, all over the road. Check it out. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Middle class famous tour. The middle class famous tour. It's. Check it out. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Middle class famous tour.

The middle class famous tour. It's me and Foley. We each go headline and then we dick around at the end with the audience. So the owner of one of our favorite bars on the street told me to tell you this tonight. I saw him earlier. The t-shirt merch that you have for the almost famous tour. Sure. Doesn't have the dates on the back.

Right. t-shirt merch that you have for the almost famous tour sure doesn't have the dates on the back right made a great point right that people that are like die hard tourists they want to see the dates sure throw the dates it's a problem it's not like we're metallica like it doesn't matter it's cool i know but they get added all the time and change because of cove and shit like that i mean when announced the tour, there was like 15 dates. I don't know what you know what I mean. Also, when they do a different tour or a different name. Exactly. Next tour. Next tour. They have a middle class famous tour

on the shirt, right? Sure, but you're saying the next tour, the next tour shirt. Yes. Yeah, we're just not going to have all the dates. And then also it's expensive to print on the back. We don't even make any money on those fucking shirts. That's what we're going through. I mean, you gotta buy them,

you gotta ship them up, then we gotta send them to fucking Seattle. Do you have sheath underwear? I think I have some on right now. Really? Yes. Do you want to prove this? This is the dick and balls thing.

Yeah. Do you put your balls in the sack? Sometimes, depending on how I'm feeling. Oh, wait, they are not sheath. That was somebody else. But I do love sheath. So, do your balls... If you put your balls in the bag, do they stay in there?

Yeah. My balls will stay in the bag. My balls don't even know they're in the bag. That's long balls. They have no idea they're in the bag. You'll see what yours then sneak through the hole to the front. My balls have no idea they're in the bag. You'll see what yours then sneak through the hole to the front. My balls have no idea they're in the back. Really? Yeah.

Does it just slip? Just slips out? It's like if you put a hood up, but held it up, and it wasn't touching the top of your head. Really? You're a tight... I never pegged you for a tight sack, kid. Oh, dude.

A TSK. Up and about. Nice. Yeah, my hammer lays on my tiny nuts like this. Okay. Yeah. It's like a giraffe over a rock all right okay a tight rock a tight rock a very small rock it is anyway sheath.com it's fantastic underwear it is great listen and this you know i'm not even being paid for this it has changed the way i view underwear they came on as a sponsor i got them for the first

i put them on for the first time and i literally threw out all my other underwear if you're wearing old if you're wearing regular underwear it's like you're in like the fucking 1920s it's insane yeah yeah and they got a good length for summer walks you know yeah they do because i have i have i have like i have regular cotton underwear that doesn't quite have the length on it who is cotton underwear anymore that's like getting regular old boxers what are your boxes from you have cotton underwear i think they're poly made of cotton. They're silk. Well, whatever. Silk? They're not silk. They look silky. I'm sure it's a polyester-cotton combo.

Yeah. I'm sure it's a blend. Yeah. Right. They're not cotton, though. Well, whatever. The point is they're not. They're short. And you walk in the summer, they bunch up.

Your thighs rub. It's annoying. Of course. Guys, go to the sheathunderwear.com. Use code STUFFILON. island you get 20 off your first order sheath stand behind all their products with 100 money back guarantee that sheath underwear.com promo code stuff island get sheath underwear and let them support your balls your undies yeah let me see them. I know.

Just like give me a piece. Let me see a piece. It's all wet because I'm sweating. Let me see a front piece. I don't see the tag. Well, that's where it displays what it's made out of. I believe. Oh, man.

You're wearing cotton underwear. These two are fighting over underwear. It's crazy. It's fucking 90 degrees. Well, that's what was up in there. It's like wearing a wetsuit. I got my sheets on. I just said it.

That's what's up. That's what's up, baby. I know I wearing a wetsuit. I got my sheets on. I just said that's what's up. Shout out to sheets, baby. I know I'm going to be sitting. I don't have to move around. I'm not going on a long walk. But you're wearing khaki pants because you're in a monkey butt. That's right. I got monkey butt.

That was going to happen either way. Are you wearing the cotton underwear to control? To sop up the monkey butt. Yeah, yeah. I need a thick paper towel. You ever wear a man pond? What. You ever wear a man pond? What? You ever wear a man pond in like certain situations?

I've done that. What is that? I hear you shove toilet paper in your ass all the time. Not in the ass, but you do a roll around the hand. Not off your butt hole. Put it in the cornhole, just the area. Just to absorb it, yeah. Just lay it around.

And use any moisture. Yeah. But you don't need to do that with sheets because it's like moisture wicking, antimicrobial, promo code garbage. Get out of here, Stuff Island. Suck my dick, Kev. You hanging out for the page for a little while? Yeah.

Let's do it, boys. Do we actually get the ad readout or no? Yeah. Okay. Were you here? No, I wasn't listening. I was looking at my label. I was looking at my underwear label.