Stuff Island - Stuff Island #42 - pillow talk w/ Ryan Shaner

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

Better Help: Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/StuffIsland Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Where you going, sisters? You going upstairs to sign a book? Tommy signs a book. I sign a book. Tommy signs a book. He took, he got his week in, he collected his money, and now it's back to signing a Back to the book. I'm running out of ink.

Big fan of this statement, man. I gotta tell you. He signed the book. It was so good. Shout out Phil. Yeah, big ups to Phil. Just found out Shane's dad says sign the book for going to the bar. man. I gotta tell you. It was so good. Shout out Phil. Yeah, big ups to Phil. Just found out Shane's dad says, sign the book for going to the bar.

Yeah. That's fucking sick. It is sick. That is sick. I miss you signing the book. I gotta be honest. What, going to the bar? I mean, the owners of bars don't miss you signing. Random top cars.

Actually, my phrase was shit on the floor. That was my fucking sign in the book. Yeah. Just go in and just be like, yo, go shit on the floor. That was my fucking side in the book. Just go in and just be like. Shit on the floor. Go shit on the floor. You shit on the floor? That's what I said.

Did you shit on the floor? You're like, I may have been in there. You shit on the floor? Yeah, I'm working on it. I was a jiffy lube, but I did shit on that floor. I will say collectively, you know, your loved ones, it was a good move. There are guys that you hate to see go, you know, to the other side, cause you're like, man, it was a good move. There are guys that you hate to see go,

you know, to the other side, because you're like, man, that was cool. Yeah. It was a good hang. Yeah. One out of five, you didn't know, you didn't know what kind of shamer you were getting. You know what I mean? Oh, I know, you knew what kind of shamer.

Yeah, come on. I don't think that's true. I think like the first- No, no, wait a minute. The first pumpkin. This isn't about you. Wait a minute. He turned into a pumpkin after one.

A pumpkin? A headless pumpkin? Look at the fucking. Dude, he's shoving knives up somebody's ass. First off, I've only cut one person. And that was like an isolated incident. That's a fucking. Right.

That was a fucking. I feel like every knifing is an isolated incident. It's an isolated incident. And also, that fucking guy had it coming. It wasn't like a fucking me going out knifing is an isolated incident. It's an isolated incident. And also that fucking guy had it coming. It wasn't like a fucking me going out of my way. Tell us about it. Can you talk about it? I don't think I can talk about it.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know. Did you get away with it or did somebody? Everything's fine. Fine. But I just can't go back to that place anymore. Yeah. And they were like, get out, never come back. Was this as a bouncer or just a regular patron?

This was me as a patron. You had just a knife on your hip? I have a knife on me now. What? For what? Why do you have a knife? What? Are you like a utility?

Are you serious? Do you build bridges or fix ATM machines? You're asking me why I have a knife? I'm fucking one. I live in Philadelphia. Isn't that illegal? It's fucking dangerous. Yeah, it is.

But is it illegal? Is it illegal? To hold a knife, carry a knife, or just airports? I guess if it's the size of your hand. Whoa. Open that bitch up, dude. Take the panties off. Woo!

Wow. No switching. How quickly can you get that out? Not very quick. You've been practicing. It's a lot of fumbling. He's saying, come on, dude. Just give me one second.

Just you better fucking back up or I'm gonna throw this at you. That's gotta be fucking virus and shit. Working on your night- Dude, there's nothing worse than like dropping it. Yeah. It's fucking stupid. Remember in high school, you just like stare at a mirror

and like work on like your fuck face. Like, you're like, damn. I don't need to. Did you say work on your fuck face? No, I said work on your fucking face. What a movie. What the hell? Wait a minute. Go sign the book. What the hell? face like you like now i don't need to say work on your movie everybody worked on a fuck face no no wait wait are you no no no i never worked on a fuck face watching porn and then like as you get closer closer closer to like adolescent stage you're like i wonder what it'd be like you like, are you saying when you watch porn,

you would watch not just the fucking, you would try to make the faces the guys make? I will emulate John Holmes till I die. Did he have a good face? I don't know, I saw his dick the whole time. I couldn't get, I was locked in this hog, dude. His hog was outrageous. His dick had a license plate on it.

13 inches. You're sitting in the film room just rewinding, playing around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me see his face. Dude, oh my God. Yeah, I probably should work on some faces. Yeah, I can't imagine what your face looks like. Dude, I mean.

I know I always look concerned. He always looks concerned. I always look concerned because there's a lot of times I'm fucking in rooms with mirrors in them. And if there is a mirror, I make a point to look at myself. Yes. Oh, fuck yeah. Dude, I am like, do I look as stupid as I, like I feel great.

But I know I look like a fucking dumb, dumb, cowering over somebody. Just like, oh, shaking like a fucking idiot. I know that I do. Yeah, yeah. I know that I do. Especially when I also want to see how ridiculous they look when their legs are pinned back or something like that in my head.

Oh, I mean, yeah. I know we both look crazy. That's what I want to see. ridiculous they look when their legs are pinned back or something like that. In my head. I know we both look crazy. That's what I want to see. How absurd it looks. Cause when you watch a movie, like a regular hard R or R rated movie, they like just, it's always missionary. It's never anything fucking crazy. So it's very like passionate

and everyone looks normal when they fuck. There's more candles than cummies. So then when you watch yourself fucking like fish hook somebody open, you're just like going at it. You gotta look yourself in the mirror. But you guys are a little crazy. What do you mean? You guys are both a little crazy.

You guys are. Tell us what you are. What is crazy? What do you fucking mean? No, no, so I feel like you could get away with the face. Me, like- You're a different kind of crazy. Wait, wait, wait, no, I know. We're openly crazy. I'm not wrapped up in the- Quietly crazy? So I feel like you could get away with the face. Me? You're a different kind of crazy. No, I know.

We're openly crazy. I'm not wrapped up in the moment crazy. You know what I mean? No one's buying that I've just been, like, got the passions. That's true. That's so true. That's so true.

That's good. You guys, I can see you got, like, you know, some of the passion in your skin, like your eyes, you know, you got, like, shark eyes. Yeah, we have life in our eyes. That's good. You guys, I can see you got like, you know, someone gets up in your skin, like your eyes, you know, you got like shark eyes. Yeah, we have life in our eyes. Yeah, yeah. Your time's up. You're the soul, Chris.

Fuck me, dude. Dude, your parents had a christening and a funeral at the same time when you finally opened your eyes. Dude, when you masturbated, you're like a doll, dude. Definitely. I mean, it's very still. Just staring into the screen. Just angry coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's got to be more crazy. mean, it's very still. Just staring into the screen. Just angry coming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's gonna be more crazy. The problem is there's none of that. So are you a silent fuck? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, what are we gonna talk about? No, no, he means like emotion and noise.

What are you gonna talk about? What are you gonna talk about? What are you talking about? We were talking about the Civil War while coming. We're asking you if you make noises while you fuck. No, no, no. I mean, just imagine me making those noises. That's why I made those noises.

Just to know. Of course not. Of course not. Of course not. Of course not. Of course not. Fucking me is exactly what you think it's like. Man, that sounds terrible.

That sounds fucking bad, dude. It's exactly what you're saying. I think it's like. Man, that sounds terrible. That sounds fucking bad, dude. That's exactly what you're saying. I think it's all business. It's like, hello, how are you? It's like watching lacrosse. Dude, can you call yourself Christopher O'Connor before you fuck yourself?

Dude, I mean, if I made, first of all, if I made noises, they would be, I mean, they would, there's no way they could stay in the moment. Dude.

Imagine me making, imagine knowing me at all and then you start bugging and I start making noises you'd be like. Wait so do you make no noises while you come? Is there any like ah? Sometimes. Sometimes.

Is it a stammer or like a tone? There's no way. Craziest what is it a stammer or like a or like a tone is it like no i i like craziest i get is i i she's really good like a fuck probably not much different than the way i just said it yeah and then immediate laughter. Oh, fuck. Dude, immediately, immediately, immediately, I'm dying of laughter. Dude. I can't, I mean, the concept of me coming

is so silly that I start, I break every time. Here's where I'm on your side. You're coming silly straight. It's a goofy cum. I don't know. Dude,

when the cum is so good, I do laugh. Oh, I get this. I laugh. But you're not laughing every cum. No, you're laughing because you just feel it. Oh, you're laughing at the cum?

Every single cum. It's just so... Hilarious. Yeah, I mean, it's... I laugh because it was so good, I can't process the emotions. Yeah. And I just like, I'm catching my breath

and I just go... Oh, you chuckle. That's actually, that, it's fine. But I'm picturing him like the Joker, just laughing like a man. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What's that? I get up and run around the room.

Yes. No, yeah, it's- That's what I'm picturing. Oh, it's- But no, do you give yourself a chuckle? You give yourself a- No, I laugh, I giggle to myself for a while. And they're like, what the hell happened?

If you're gonna fuck Chris O'Connor, if he doesn't laugh, you have bad pussy. Yeah, dude. If he doesn't let out a chuckle, your pussy's trash, dude. It is trash. You got trash puss. Give him the butthole next time, maybe he'll giggle. Yeah, do you laugh harder for another orifice?

Like if you come in- That's a great question. If you come in a mouth, are you like, oh-ho-ho. Yeah. But if you like come in an ass, you're like,. Yeah, you're like 1940s banker. Harumph. Huzzah.

No, it's always the same. It's always the same giggle. I should, I don't know, maybe I'll start making noises. You don't have to, man. If it's always the same. It's always the same giggle. I should, I, you know, I don't know. Maybe I'll start making noises. I'll try it out. You don't have to, man. If it's not natural, do it.

Yeah, don't go against the grain, dude. I found that I'm louder as I got older. Well, no, I'm saying it's about getting lost. Is that just your like legs hurting or some shit? Or did you say that? I'm gonna stretch out my calf. Oh shit, oh shit. Nothing worse than a pulled calf

whilst I'm doing sex. Dude, it is the fucking worst shit. Nothing worse than a pulled calf muscle doing sex. It is the fucking worst. Dude, I'll uppercut any woman in bed by accident. Dude, Charlie horses during banging, you feel like the biggest fucking loser in the world. That's another argument I had with a friend. What's that? A Charlie horse growing up for us

was like getting like a leg knee or a punch. Yeah, a dead leg, yeah, a Charlie horse. Other people call cramps Charlie horses. Charlie horses, like if I'm cramping up, I'll say like, oh fuck Charlie. I'll like, I'll do it while I'm fucking. That's different, that's a cramp. Yeah, that's just a cramp.

Stay in your lane. I just said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. A force, fuck you. A force we've known enough to resolve. I'm sure you've got a cramp. Also when I fucking, yeah, I'm not. I don't wanna say. Something must, a ghost must have punched me in the head.

I got a dead leg from my palm off. He's in a room somewhere watching me fall. Is your dead great mom ghost kicking you in the leg? Stop fucking. Stop it. I'm not going to get into the KCS. Ryan, put your pee pee away. Are you saying fuck, Ryan? Meanwhile, his dead grandfather's in the corner smoking.

Just say something. Anything. Make a noise. Nah, dude. They're standing there in black uniforms just watching like, that's good. Don't make any noise, Christopher. Putting cigarettes out on their neck while you fucking do it. Man.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm getting- Do you make a lot of noise? No, but the funny thing is when you were saying the fuck thing, that's like a tell. That's my like poker face going away when I'm about to cum. I say, oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah.

I say, oh, fuck, probably three times. I just say I'm going to cum because I want to let her know. It's like Bloody Mary. Yeah, I have to say it or else. That's how you conjure the cum. Cummy Mary, dude. That's how it works. It's just, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck.

But yeah, I mean, I don't, I try not to get real loud. Because I know, like, I've been with people who have been very loud. Yeah. Which is almost obnoxious. It's so obnoxious. It's also not real. Dude. Once they start, like, bellowing and shit.

It's not even bellowing. One chick yelled in my ear so loud that I honestly thought I had to go to an urgent care. Because I thought she fucked up my ear. You got that blow your ear drum, dick. Dude to go to an urgent care. She blew your drum. I thought she fucked up my ear. You got that blow your drum dick. Dude, I got that. Let me see that. Let me see that. Everyone's seen my stupid dick. You don't need to see that. I haven't seen it. I bet your cock can do a kickflip.

You ever skateboard? Johnny Carson. I bet your cock can do a kickflip. Yeah, it looks like he could do interesting things. You sound like a fucking just terrible child molester, dude. I bet your cock can do a kickflip. You ever skate before? I'm sweating my dick off.

Why? Why? I don't know. It's humid. It's a very humid day. But it's not too bad. I think I'm nervous and anxious because our bathroom's demolished. We got no bathroom.

Yeah. That's a terrible thing. We keep the back door open, piss in the darkness and you piss in the light. I pissed in the mint. Dude, you know how many kids are hanging out these windows? I don't care.

There's like six families in each room. I asked them if their dick can do a kickflip. That's why you have to hit the mint because you turn your back to the kids. Oh, they think you're picking mint, standing up with a stream of piss? I'm just looking at it, you're taking it in. They're kids, they don't know what adults do. They know what peeing in public is. This sounds like what you're gonna say to a. You're taking it in. They're kids.

They don't know what adults do. They know what peeing in public is. This sounds like what you're going to say to a cop when they fucking show up. They're kids. They don't know. I'm just looking at a mint. Or I'm just looking for mint. But it is wonderful pissing on that mint.

It is fucking great. It does the aroma. It's very weird. What are you doing, man? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You know what you're fucking doing. You're getting me upset.

Am I getting you upset because I pissed on your mint, about? You know what you're fucking doing. You're getting me upset. What am I trying to get upset? Because I pissed on your mint Tommy? That mint's gone. Fucking yes. Nostradamus, you want me to write this down? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You should be pissing on everyone's mint. Whoa, first off, let's just back this the fuck up for a second.

Asshole, bitch. Pick a fucking weed. Fuck you, fuck you. Listen, it's gonna rain. It's been raining all day. Yeah, but still. Tommy's gonna wash away. You think my pith, you think my my piss is gonna fuck up your fucking iced tea, Tommy? Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, yeah. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. I bet if you were still drinking that, mint would fucking... Oh, man. It would have fucking died. It would have died.

All that fucking bourbon would have fucked that mint up immediately. Yeah, dude. You were fun drunk, man. I was fun? I thought so. I know. And that's why you're fun drunk, man. I was fun? I thought so. That's why you're part of the problem. I was never afraid. I was never afraid, but I think you scared a lot of people.

That's fucked up to hear. You scared a lot of people. Because you were aggressively violent with your words. And that's foreplay to me. Did anyone ever tell you? There you go. I like that. Youent with my words? And that's foreplay to me. Yes, dude. You get very passionate. Can anyone ever tell you? There you go.

I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah. All right. You sound like my mom. Let me dust off this fucking- You're very passionate, Ryan.

You're not being rude. You're very passionate about getting kicked out of a hooters. You're rolling out of my service just passionate. Please. You get the vapors. Yeah, dude. I get the vapors so bad, dude. You'd fucking be-

No, these are great things to hear and just emboldened my decision to fucking not drink anymore. Trust me. Jesus Christ. You were one of the- Dude, I know. I'm still- I said before, I know that that time period of my life wrote a bunch of checks that I have still yet to cash yet.

I still have to deal with repercussions from it. Well, you were dealing with your own stuff, I imagine. But I also know that still people- You can't just that that persona away yeah and of course people are still gonna look at you like oh that fucking guy and there's nothing you can do well you are you're doing what you could do yeah i know i'm doing it but it's not but it's not gonna like it doesn't resonate with people as quickly as you thought it was supposed to be in your life yeah wait who's not who's it now there's there's some people there's some people fuck them i know i do i do say fuck them but i also like i try to atone a testament to your personality and who you are as a as a comedian is like you didn't lose any

of your close friends oh without a doubt i mean on on this on this side yeah definitely because we understand there there were other people that like you know that i i know that they were definitely like all right good you're not drinking but you're still a piece of shit yeah you know that you're like you know that right and it's like yeah i got it i get what i did i understand maybe i was this way or maybe i was that way and i understand i can't replace this property and i can't get this thing back but it's just the way it is and i've tried to like go with that but i also know like there was a long time that i was a liability i know i know i was a long time that i was a liability i know i know i was a liability i know i was a liability to friends and i know i was a liability mostly

you're a liability yourself oh without a doubt but i could walk that off that's the whole thing it's like i walked it off like it was like yeah i'm not dead i feel like you made the right decision to walk it off for yourself by being sober because i think you were in a very dangerous spot oh to be honest and i have no right to be speaking to anybody but like you know anytime he spoke for a while yeah it was more about like your personal hell and like where you were emotionally sure and then your father passed and then you went real fucking dark and then you didn't you didn't have any regard for yourself for a while and i was like dude he's in a spot right now and the fact that you came out of that is a testament to your what this is a compliment

that's incredible a lot of people just ride that going oh shit happened to me and i'll fucking i'll continue to take my shirt off at a Waffle House and be a fucking maniac to everybody that's close to me. Sure. And you didn't do that. Well, I mean, I also thought that like, you know, I mean, it is great that you guys are telling me that I was a violent piece of shit. No, I'm not saying it's really positive. You were great. I thought I was, I thought for a while, I was like, I've been told two different schools.

Honestly, people were like, like you were really fun drunk and then other people like you were fucking out of your like not legitimately scared yeah I was like you because you would be you'd be positive but saying it in the most threatening way you'd be like true I fucking love you man yeah yeah you're the best yeah just holding his knife I'd be like trying to change his stuff yeah i love you too man you just dropped the blade that's oh no can't i just love my friends the way i want to love them if i'm getting too fucking positive that's a bad night for everybody. Nobody needs that shit.

That's how you're trying to tamp the demons down. Yeah, dude, that's me, honestly. But also, people, like, we've seen you. I know that one thing was, like, just staring. Like, I had, like, a thousand-yard stare. Like, a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And people are like, man, he's really fucking pissed.

I was like, no, that's me honestly concentrating on not falling down. That's me, like, just, man, he's really fucking pissed. Like, no, that's me honestly concentrating on not falling down. That's me like just, man, if I do not. Like, it's honestly like having telepathy. I'm like, I got to hold myself up with my thoughts. Because if I don't do it for one second, I will fall down. Oh, man. I so rarely get into the fall down drunk place. Oh, man.

I was a huge fall down drunk. I was a stumble bum for sure. Yeah, same. But I- Fall down the spot. I did a huge fall down drunk. I was a stumble bum for sure. Yeah, same. Fall down and stuff. I did eat shit earlier this year. I got a scar on the side of my ass. It's a weird thick scar because I duct taped it. I had to go to the hospital, but I didn't.

I was hammered in Rock Sparrow. I lived in Rock Sparrow. Yeah, yeah. On Ridge Avenue next to the ShopRite. Who cares? I fell in Rocksboro. Yeah, yeah. On Ridge Avenue, next to the ShopRite. Who cares? I fell in between my bed. Classic Italian. I just-

You got to explain literally every geography. I just moved in, and the only thing, it was the saddest room. I just had my bed. I had my clothes. I didn't even have a dresser yet. And then I had my beard trimmer charging, standing upright on the floor, plugged in the small space in between the bed that I left for like an end table. But it was not even an end table.

It was only like this far. It was like a foot. Yeah. I caught the corner of the bed, went just completely backwards, like perpendicular to the floor. Yeah. Not perpendicular, horizontal. And ripped my ass open with the top of this charger.

Bled all over these tan carpets. Asses bleed, dude. Dude, asses bleed. Let me tell you something, after a bottle of whiskey, asses bleed a little bit. They're like a fucking fountain. Yeah. Really?

Dude, when you've been drinking- What's worse, the ass or the head? Well- Blood-wise. I would say head, definitely. But like I've fucked my ass up before, drunk too. And it does bleed. It gets to a point where like, am I done bleeding from my ass yet?

Yes. You're not. Yeah. I put TP and duct tape around my ass for like three days. Damn dude, that's sick. Yeah, and I have like a thick like snake scar. So you got like a fucking, you got a big boy scar. I got a big boy scar. So the blade on the trimmer went into your flesh. Yeah, I felt have like a thick like snake scar. So you got like a fucking, you got a big boy scar. I got a big boy scar.

So the blade on the trimmer went into your flesh. Yeah, I felt directly on the bait. I'm going, yeah. So wait, where? I'm screaming like you come on. Where in your ass? Like on the cheek or like, oh, right there, okay. I fell back like this.

You got the meat, you got the meat. Yeah, I got a nice meat shot. You got the meat shot. And then I told my dad, I was like, yeah, I felt drunk. He was like, well, you're not going to be an underwear model no more, huh? Why not? Maybe that's the signature. Maybe that, dude.

Nowadays. Now, yeah. Oh, my God. That's so body positive. Show me your scars. Don't be ashamed of your scars. The only problem is I'm white. Don't get that.

Can't get in commercials. I feel like white dudes are in underwear commercials. Yeah, but only if they're being a dopey idiot that can't get their foot in the fucking thing. You could easily do that. Fall in a razor Tommy. How do I eat? Tell them that, dude, that's your purpose. I was so stupid on that.

We're being dumb idiots. Now that's all we are. I fell in a goddamn razor. You'd be like, yeah, I'm already in. I'm the fucking retard you're looking for. Sure. I wish Manscaped was our ad today, but it's not. Damn it. So funny how that's like a- But our ad today is BetterHelp. yeah like yeah i'm already in i'm the fucking retard you're looking for i wish manscape was our ad today but it's not damn it so funny how that's like our ad today's better help what oh

yeah i'm on better help are you really yeah really wow yeah doing doing therapy how is it it's fucking retarded it's fucking ridiculous and here's what i'm gonna say i'm not shitting on my fucking therapist i'm not shitting on her she's trying i do the visual no i do the texting thing and that thing text yeah dude like jesus christ yeah dude texting starts fights what i'm saying that's why like i feel like everything's getting lost in translation like that i put three i try no no i try to like be very thorough with what i say and how i say it and i even like tell her like maybe that got lost like the inflection wasn't there this is what i meant when i was trying to convey what i'm saying but like it also feels like i'm talking to no one it also feels like i'm not

yeah talking to anybody it would be so funny if it was just a bot. Oh my God. I'm waiting for it to be a Russian porn bot too. Was that Ashley Madison stuff? Yeah, dude. Where all those dudes were trying to cheat on their wives and they're just talking to bots. Dude, imagine losing your marriage and children to a bot.

Yeah. Oh man. God, that rules. And then all the information got leaked. Yeah. That's awesome as fuck. He didn't get fucked. Yeah.

They were either talking to dudes or bots. That damn because ashley madison obviously you can't so wait wait wait i thought ashley madison the whole point was that you actually meet up with somebody and have an affair it was like tinder for uh married whores and it was all bots then yeah i think so how much of a fucking mook do you have to feel? Because it was like a scandal. Did you dabble in anything? You never signed up? No. You never signed up?

I'm not married. You don't have to. You can fuck a married woman. You can fuck a married person. I don't think there's women on there. I mean, there's no women on. What? You think it's just all women?

If a woman wants to cheat on their husband, then she just goes outside. Yeah. Just walk out the front door. It's literally like, I have to move my car. We put too much thought into that. We're like, wait a minute, man.

100%. We literally have to just walk outside. Anybody. We put too much thought into that one. Just constantly accosted by a neighbor. That's all it needs. You just go out, just say, I'm fucking married and I'm gonna suck a dick.

Yeah. That's all. Just wink at a cashier. You're getting knocked around in a half hour. You definitely get fucked. Dude, I mean, the amount of girls they're making

thousands and thousands, tens of thousands of dollars, millions of dollars even. Just like, there's people with OnlyFans where they don't even show anything. I know. It's fucking wild.

And they're everywhere. They're on Twitter. They have like a million followers. It's all, dude, all you gotta do is be just. They have like a million followers. It's all dude. All you gotta do is be a, just like a hot chick kind of teasing. That's all you gotta do. Why would you pay for that?

What are you talking about? Why would guys pay for it? Cause they're stupid. Guys are fucking dumb and they'll just do anything. Cause the fucking delusion is, especially with the chicks who don't show anything. The delusion is if I pay enough, she'll show just me something.

We can't get people to pay $5 and watch us work for 17 hours. It's the dumbest fucking thing. I got to start doing it on Twitter. Dude, I think about it all the fucking time. I got to show my butthole. Dude, show your ass scar. I got to get some gay fans.

Dude, you would definitely get gay fans. 100%. Are you fucking kidding me? I know. I thought about doing it and everyone's like, dude, if you show your face once, you have like a billion gay followers. I would love to see you start an OnlyFans and no dudes sign up. Dude, that would-

Dudes will sign up. Dude, how crushing do you fucking ego with that bitch? Let me tell you something. This is not just saying straight shit. Like, I would be crushed if gay dudes didn't fucking want me how fucking crazy would that be if you found out that you're so repellent to gay men i'm just doing the mangina with like a baseball hat on you guys don't like this you gotta say dude there's nothing worse than he's got some dick who wants to give me some dick yeah trying to get dick down yeah yeah i gotta

google some stuff yeah dude that're drinking white wine right now, so this is pretty fucking gay. Did they show a video of their tits flopping? Tommy, you're wearing a gay man's uniform. This is a great shirt and great pants. Great pants. You got flip-flops on. You're drinking white wine. These aren't. These are Birkenstocks, you fuck.

Sorry, fuck me. Flip-flops are a no-no. They're a no-no. Why are they a no-no? Because they're too loud. They're a no-no. Why are they a no-no? Birkenstocks. Because they're too loud. They're like Puerto Ricans for shoes. They make way too much noise in the street. Shut the fuck up.

Jesus Christ. What makes too much noise in the street? Flip flops? Puerto Ricans. Guys. When did you get Birkenstocks? Yeah, when did you get these? What, I got to run my orders through you?

No, no, no. No, I'm just wondering. When did you see those? I thought Birkenstocks were like hippies bullshit. I thought you fucking hate them. Me too, I got to run my worst to you? No, no, no. No, I'm just wondering. When did you see those? When did you see those? I thought broken socks were like hippies bullshit. I thought you fucking hate them. Me too. I used to hate them. And then what?

And then what happened? Yeah, I made a decision to throw hippies. Rules are made to be broken. Yes, dude. You grow. You grow, Chris. So one hot guy in fucking Berkshire. So one smoking hot dude. Yeah, yeah. I can wear that. Oh, fuck. I can do that. This's a one-eyed dude. He's a one-smoking eyed dude.

I can wear this. This guy's feet. What the fuck? That's alright. Loud cum Chris is my fucking hero, dude. Yeah, dude. That should be like a form of meditation. I guess it kind of is.

Yeah, just to like get in the zone for sex. You're gonna scream before sex? No. Jesus. You're going to go, excuse me. Oh! Oh! Just in another room.

Like, what's he doing? He's like, he's getting ready to destroy me. Like, fuck you. Oh! Yeah. Just, can you give me a minute? I just got to check something real quick. Oh!

Oh! Yeah. Yeah, he hugged! What was Chris's thing? What kind of animal would walk in that room and go, I'm ready, honey? How dry would you make a pussy with that? That's so crazy. I mean, you would hear the... Next thing you hear is a door open.

If you did do that and she did stick around, you'd have to fuck that pussy off. You'd have to deliver. You can't just go in another room and be like, excuse me, I've got to go get myself ready and then scream for 10 minutes and go back. It would also be a good trial run to see if she's worth fucking.

If any girl that stays around, if you did a pre-sex routine like that and you just screamed and you opened the door and she was still there, run. That chick is nuts. How many moves do you have? You would run? Do you ever feel like you run out of material?

I would, me? Yeah, what are you talking about? Why, am I saying something I said before? No, no, no, I'm saying, sexually I'm talking about. Wow. Jesus. Did you see this fucker clutch his pearls when he said that?

What? I was like, I'm certain we never had this bit. Jesus Christ. I never said this bit. Good Lord. You ever fuck great? Yeah. Chris, yes.

Also, don't ask that question. Without a pause. Then you go to fuck again and you're like yeah i'm kind of doing the same moves there's not that many moves you could do but there's a lot of it's all about the energy with the woman it's like you know there's there's levels of man those birkin stocks are rubbing off there's jesus christ it's true though there's levels of tension levels of aggression speed i know but you know but you know how sometimes you'll do a long build-up? Yeah, I do.

I'm in one. You know what I mean? You don't just go right in there. You tease and you do all kinds of... What do you mean by tease? Christopher, what do you mean? Dude, tell us a tease. Tell us your sexual tease.

Tell me all your sexual teasers. Please. I don't want to know the Chris O'Connor specialty. Dude, go get me a diary, dude. I'm going to fucking write some of this stuff down. Guys, please. What is your... I don't have that many moves.

I'm going to give away... What is your favorite tease? You got to come see the show. What is your favorite... You got to come see the show. You got to pay for it. I'm not going to do my material on the pot. It's a bringer fuck show, dude.

Dude, it's so funny. What's your favorite tease, though? Like, what's your, what's a little, just a little bit. I'm saying sometimes you go right for it. Yeah. And sometimes you kiss around the thighs. Yeah, you do it. Yeah, you do a number.

You do a dance. A lot of heavy petting. Yeah. Yeah, foreplay is important, Chris. Okay, all right. We all know that. But sometimes you're like,. Yeah. Yeah, foreplay is important, Chris. Okay, all right. We all know that. But sometimes you're like, don't you feel like the foreplay thing,

it's like, oh, we're doing foreplay again? He does this whole long thing. He's going to eat my pussy, I just know it's coming. Dancing around it. Jeez, you think it's predictable, Chris. Yeah. Well, you want to see if you're doing this bit again?

No, I think- The setup takes forever. Here's what I'm going to say. I don't think- For to be doing this bit again? No, I think- The setup takes forever. I don't think- For someone that watches movies from the 1950s, you know how it fucking ends. They know how it ends. So just do your own bits. I also think if you make them come,

they don't care how it happens. Of course. You think chicks are like putting a vibrator up against their pussy like, I can't believe this again. I'm saying doing old bits gets in the way of them coming. Is that's what I'm saying. So do a new bit.

So do a new bit. Work out some open mic shit, dude. Open mic that pussy. It's hard to come up with new stuff. Not with sex, cause nothing's wrong. You gotta riff, dude. Listen, sex, if the sex is good, you know it's gonna be great.

The open mic state, you always have a closer, right? So everything you do before that could be weird and like different. You got the closer. What's the closer? She's only going to remember the closer. Closer is making her calm, I hope. What's the closer? What's that move?

Boy, do you do like dick mouth? Do you go from dick to mouth? Back and forth? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Do you do dick mouth, but then do dick mouth reverse? Like do go from dick back back and forth yeah yeah okay do you do dick mouth but then do dick mouth reverse like do it from back like eat ass then then put your dick back in it then

eat ass again dude like it's it's like just a variation of what you can do yeah yeah it's like whoa whoa what it's a lot of smoke and mirrors it feels like you you know. I would say common tissues. Don't you guys think it never bothers you? What? To be honest, no. The material that you're just like, I don't know, this is not a very creative routine. Look, man, I'm going to be honest with you. When I'm fucking, I'm like living in the moment

and I feel good no matter what I'm doing. Jesus, you want my Birkenstocks? I'm sorry. It's a feeling for me, Tom. You're living in the moment? Yeah, that's the only time I'm actually present. The only time I ever really feel present. Text us to your fucking Tom. You're living in the moment. Yeah, that's the only time I'm actually present. Right. The only time I ever really feel present.

Text this to your fucking therapist. You seem like you're really with it. I did, I've said this before. I've said this before. Anything I've ever- Why don't you do a visual with your therapist? I feel like the texting thing is like, you're putting an element within that, what?

I'm listening to you. You're just, you're building a wall. You're not wrong. You're a personality driven person, right? So like, if you can't see that person, you can't trust them. Sure, sure. You don't know who they are. I mean, you're not wrong.

Even if it's a phone call prior to the visual call. If you have a little insecurity about like seeing their face, call. Yeah, you could be getting catfished. Thank you. That's a good one. Yeah. You jump on a FaceTime,. Thank you. That's a good one. Yeah. Do you jump on a FaceTime?

She's like, my makeup's not on. Yeah. Sorry, I'm actually busy right now. I'm actually at the supermarket. I can't really talk to you. I bet it's just an obese Japanese gay guy in his mom's basement. That would honestly, to tell you the truth, part of me feels like that's a good idea because I'm like putting my thoughts out on the ether. We're having fun. we're having fun we're having fun from an obese person yeah especially if they're asian

chinese fatty's not good for your mind i'm telling you that actually is probably the from an obese person. Especially if they're Asian. Chinese fatty's not good for your mind, I'm telling you. That's actually probably the best guy you could talk to. Dude, it's like talking to the Buddha, dude. Somebody comfortable with their weight in a different country, sucking bird. You don't need to talk to them. You just fucking...

Sleeps upside down. Like a Batman. Fat guy living in a basement sucking bird. That's the best way to... That's the best person talking for your mind. BetterHelp's gonna love this.

Excuse me. Are you on BetterHelp? Are you tired of traditional therapists? Maybe. Yeah, absolutely. Sorry, I didn't want to FaceTime you because I have my throat in a fucking cock right now. I'm sorry.

Jesus Christ. So wait, are you a big face cum guy? If they ask for you. Oh, yeah. If they ask for anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm into all that. I'm into weird stuff, but it's like, you know.

That's not that weird. Sometimes the, I feel like sometimes the, I'm not in the performance. I feel like that's what I'm saying. You guys are a little unhinged. I feel like you guys get into the, it's easier to believe you guys are getting into a character than me. I think unhinged, I mean, this is, I believe a stereotype stereotype that's pretty spot on. It's like a crazy girl.

Unhinged women are great in bed. Yeah, sure. Yeah, you don't settle down with a girl that goes bananas in the sack. Right. Typically. You want to find that. Yes.

It's very, very rare. Yeah. I don't know. Oh yeah, what are you engaged? Wow. Or are you dating five people right now? Calm it. Yeah. I don't know. Oh yeah, what are you engaged? Wow. Or are you dating five people right now? Calm it. Yeah.

How? Fuck it. Well, I'm just judging by your eye roll with that statement as if it's not fucking true. I mean, I don't want to settle down with a Looney Tune. All I do know is that like fucking is very important. Of course it is. It is, yeah.

That's what I'm saying. And when you're talking about mediocrity in the bedroom, like am I doing the same bits every now and again? There'll be nothing worse than fucking going home to somebody. They're out there. Exactly. You can have both.

You can, but the whole thing is you gotta fucking poke around to find it. You gotta find the crazy fish. You gotta find the dead fish. You gotta throw the dead fish back. Somewhere in the middle is a living fish that's fucking batshit, but knows when to go to bed. Yeah.

Don't let it spill out. That was some Asian fat man logic, dude. I like that. I channeled it. You're inner obese. You're inner obese Asian man. I've been working on it. Fuck me. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. We'll figure it out. We will figure it out, man. Yeah. And you're going to figure it out. Yeah, I think you will. I think you will.

I think drinking less will help. Drinking less will help what? Yeah, the focus and intensity. On new moves. Yeah. I beg to differ. What's your go-to move? New moves.

I don't have a go-to move. You don't have a drunk. No, I've got a rotation that I go through. Tell us about that. I don't have that many pitches. Yeah, I was going to say, what's your fucking term? I got a fastball, I got a rotation that I go through. You know? Tell us the rotation. I don't have that many pitches. Yeah, I was going to say, what's your fucking term? I got a fastball, I got a fastball. Don't say slider.

Your attitude has no slider in this. I got a slider. You got a slider? What's a slider? What's a slide? You eat butt. That's a slider. That's not a slider.

It's called a backdoor slider. That's not a slider. I'm down to eat butt. That's a spitball, dude. I will eat your ass, but every time I've even suggested it, people have been like, no. I'm down to eat butt. That's a spit ball dude. I will eat your ass. But every time I've even suggested it, people have been like, no, nobody wants me eating their ass. You don't suggest it.

We've already talked about this. You go right for the fucking door. They jump and squirm around. You don't ring the doorbell. They jump and squirm around. What is wrong with the, what the fuck are you talking about? You gotta get into a full guard before you go. Before you go for the butt. What are you talking about? You gotta get into a full guard before you go for the butt?

What are you talking about? You jump and squirm around. You squirm it around. Like I said, imagine. Like I said. Imagine, it's not just anybody eating your ass, it's me eating your ass. That might, you might squirm a little bit. Are you biting it?

What I'm telling you. No, I'm not doing any. I'm looking at you, you're not even getting to the ass. What are you talking about? Are you using your teeth when you eat ass? What I'm telling you. No, I'm not doing anything. I'm looking at you, you're not like a fucking... I don't even get to the ass. What are you talking about? Are you using your teeth when you eat ass? Dude, what are you kidding? Do you have a fucking bib with an asshole on it

or something like that? Guys, what are you doing? Guys, I'm an athletic dude. I can do the moves. Yeah. It's just the passion sometimes isn't there. Especially when I think I'm doing hack stuff. So wait a minute.

This is more of a confidence in you type of thing. This is interpersonal shit. Yeah, true. Because I'm not present. Eating pussy is not hack. There's hack ways of eating pussy. Yeah. Same thing with the ass.

Well, no. What I'm saying is also you can tell if someone wants you to eat their ass. Well, I'm just saying it doesn't matter how good the bit is. If someone's seen it before, sometimes... But that's all... Dude, you can see a sunset a million times and still like it, dude. What the fuck are you talking about?

You gotta make that sunset squirt. You gotta make it squirt for the first time, and if you do that, you've got a fucking... She'll be at your door every day for three months, and that's a problem. My moves? Yeah, yeah. What do you got in the bag? I just swing a baseball bat in the room for 30 minutes.

That's great. I just hold a golf club until she gets screaming wet. I just do all that flooding shit. I'm a big loogie guy, to tell you the truth. Yeah? Yeah. You don't go deep though.

You don't make a noise before spitting. No, dude. There was one time I remember I was getting- You hock loogies on people? No. No. There was one time I was getting a blow job. I remember being like, stop.

Please don't say this. This is going to make me sick. So, shut up. So, anyway- You saw a lunger come out of a bitch's mouth. What I'm saying is I had to stop this person because I was getting a blowjob and I was like, you know, just like,

ah, spit on it. You know, like, it's like, you know, saying weird shit. And then she was like,

and I was like, not that. That's like, I had to be like, that's not, that's not what I wanted. I did not want fucking auto body shop. Are you at?

What kind of fucking monster? What's wrong with that? I don't mind that God. I did not want fucking. What auto body shop are you at? What kind of fucking monster does that? Also, what's wrong with that? I don't mind that. Of course you would say this. Why? This coming from, dude, see this is why I'm so confused. Why would you collect all the back fucking. Yeah, you don't want fucking lung butter.

What are you talking about? Jesus Christ. That's weird. That's Lug. I don't care. You would let a chick like fucking straight up. I like the energy. Give you a fucking.

See, this is an open mic bit. I like this. I like the energy. Maybe you a fucking... See, this is an open mic bit. I like this. Maybe you should start looging on asses. That's disgusting, dude. Dude, look how fucking off-put top it is right now. That is so gross, dude. That shit gross. You're already eating an asshole.

I can do anything. How much worse could it get? No, no, no. It's way different. No. First of all, she's not fucking- She's not mountain climbing. Yeah.

This girl is clean. She has got a pristine little starfish that I just want to- Wait, first off, first off, you've- It's a little leather cheerio. I want to check all the corners. You think every asshole is clean? This is not a fucking girl coming off the mound in a softball game with pieces of toilet paper in it that I'm trying to clean the whole nonsense out.

I'm just trying to give a little do-si-do around top to bottom, north to south, east to west. Come back to the boom. That's what you do? That's what you do? You bless the asshole? Yeah, yeah. 12 years of Catholic school, you got your father, son, Holy Spirit.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Man. You're telling in? Absolutely.. You got to be the father, son, Holy Spirit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Man. You know, tongue in? Absolutely. Oh yeah. You definitely tongue suck. What are you talking about? If I could get my tongue sewn, there I'd go. That'd be biting.

I want it to be that sand pit in Star Wars. I'd fucking swan dive in there. You'd get a swan in Star Wars? Hell yeah, dude. You'd get those little teeth and deep down. You don't need every butt though. You don't need every butt. You don't need every butt.

You could tell them their eyes and their lips, their hygiene their hygiene i don't know i don't know about that man i've been very surprised bamboozled really without a doubt i've been i've i've gone on dates with chicks who you would see you're like oh my god i bet everything is just immaculate down there and it's like who put an m80 in there. Yeah, who'd all fuck? Yeah threshold for butt cheese. What's my oh my So you're saying- Cause you go down there, you can't go- No, you can't go down there and go, yes you fucking can. No, you can't. No, I'm with fucking O'Connor on this. You can't fucking do that.

Dude, that'll be the first time he makes a noise. Smell the fucking, like a back alley, New York trash can. First of all, get the fuck outta here. No, look, first of all, nobody's pussy fucking smells like that, Tommy. That's fucking out of control. You are gross, dude.

Fuck you. You are fucking gross. You would know right off the bat as soon as you started messing around with them. In fact, once you get your fucking face halfway past the belly button, you can't just come right back up again, especially if you're trying to seal the fucking deal. You don't have to fucking... Hold on a second. How do you bail out?

How do you bail out? I can tell you. If she smells before you get to the Guajali. No, no, no, no. I'm saying- You're saying you commit and still go down. First off, you didn't see anybody running back onto the ships during the Normandy invasion, did you?

You fucking idiot. Fucking saw people bravely going to die. So fuck you. You stay down there for a little bit Don't look especially you're trying to tractor beam you get inside a certain zone. There's a tractor Is you have to be down there fucking putting in fucking paintwork you gotta just get down there You do your thing stay down there for at least like, you know, three minutes and just give a little kiss. Yeah Sorry, I'm really bad at this that's his first secret

my dick went soft immediately. Just give him a little kiss. Fuck, dude. That rules. Connor, you pecking a pussy. It's so funny to me. See, I'm thinking of material here. I'm trying to open the moves.

You gotta open the pussy. You gotta open the pussy. If I get down there, the butt stinks, that's how I'm gonna bail. Well, no. First off, you always eat with your eyes first. What is this though? What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? You go down there. I'm not, listen, this is what it is. You get blindsided by a smelly butt. I refuse to believe someone with some level of self-respect can handle themselves visually. The juxtaposition, what you're saying is they look beautiful. This woman is a diamond.

Without a doubt. And then smells like the fucking juice in a dumpster. First off. There's something wrong. That's a bacterial infection. There's something wrong. If something was completely. I'm not going to give my fucking pristine diamond the same said bacterial infection.

Pristine diamond. I'm not eating a fucking horse pill for 12 hours or whatever it takes. It's 72, so shut up. But there's got to be, it's a continuum of stink. What? There's a continuum of stink.

There shouldn't be is what I'm saying. It's just, this is life. First off, this is also what I'm going to say. What does it mean? You're saying every woman stinks? No stink and what'd you say? Trash can in the summer? In between, right?

Like I'm saying, when do you stop? Going down on a woman after she runs two miles. When do you say that the field's not ready? You'll know. I'm asking you to educate. A cop showing showing up you ever smell the dead animal in the woods no I'm saying yes you've encountered a fucking woman with a pussy that smells like a dead before I even got close to it I thought we were talking about but you know what I did right the fuck back up so wait and did you still fuck? I did not. That's disgusting.

Are you lying to me Tommy? I swear to God, no. Dude, I wouldn't even be able to get hard. If I were to smell something on someone. I mean, don't get me wrong. And I'm talking like. So wait, now here's my question. So what did you say?

Yeah, I was just gonna say. What did I say? How did this happen? How did this finish? My stomach hurts. Cause it does. Cause she is fucking. Dumpster juice puss.

And now my tummy hurts. And I have a headache. And I need tums. And a fucking Uber home. And it's not my problem. I'm not hurting your feelings. Clean it up. You throw it around. So clean it up.

Yeah, your scotch gaville is all out of whack. I don't. It's so funny to be like, your pussy stinks. I'm calling you an Uber and I'm not hurting your feelings. No, that was for me. And that's an error. I'm not hurting your feelings because this is your fault. I'm not hurting your feelings.

Dude, oh, fuck. So you're saying I have to fuck a trash bus because I don't want to hurt your feelings? No, you don't have to fucking fuck anything you don't want to. What I'm saying is I've never been in a situation where it's been so repellent where I'm like, well, I can't even put my- Well, you guys are acting like you have. What I'm saying is I've smelled pussy where I'm like, that's kind of like normal. I'm saying when you-

What I'm saying is- Do you know normal is no satin, right? What's that? There might be a little bit, but if it's beyond- Oh, yeah, dude. Everyone's fucking, don if it's beyond. Oh, yeah, dude. Everyone's fucking, don't get me wrong. Oh, their pH levels? Yeah.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. I think every pussy's different. Every pussy is different. Yeah? Yeah. No smell pussy? What are you talking about?

I would be more concerned. Yeah. If I had no smell pussy, I'd be like, this might not even be a real pussy. Yeah. Tommy, are you all right? I've ended relationships because they had too much of a normal level of, Jesus Christ, Tom. Good Lord.

Embrace the stink a little bit. What is wrong with you? No, I like smelling. Look, if I'm into you, I like BO. Yeah, sure. I want to smell your natural. Your musk, your pheromones. I'm not that level of maniac.

But if you have- I'm trying to find out when the butt is too dirty. That is not even- They're so different, the things we're talking about. The pH levels of a natural body. No, I know. And the ass. The ass is literally just regimen

and cleaning yourself. If you know- Yeah, if a woman has a smelly ass, that is not even- So you're only doing post-shower- No, no. She should have a clean ass all day long. Bidet.

Wipe it down. No extra dingleberries. Stop farting. Wait, did you say no extra dingleberries? Where's your dingleberry? A minimum amount of dingleberries. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's one too many, baby.

A three pack of dingleberries. You get the six of them. You can't have six of them. Buy two, get one free. I'm in. Whoa. Everybody's on a tight dingleberry budget. I'm sorry. I can't a tight dingleberry budget.

I can't eat that ass, Carl. Jesus Christ. The ass thing, if your ass isn't clean, get the fuck out of here. You should be locked up. You should be in a fucking monkey pen. What if you're hanging out all day in the summer? Yeah, dude. You go to a beer garden.

Wipe your ass before you get in bed with a man. Listen, if I'm in a beer garden with some fucking giant German skull maniac bitch. You got no state tolerance. And she's got a stinky Cheerio, I'm going right into the fucking toilet. Again, you don't have- Everything's clean on the outside, but all of a sudden the inside's got a little- Problems.

She's giving you a little window into how she lives her life. And she's a dirt ball. She's a gross pig with huge crayons. Are you trying to say you've never had fucking shit problems with fucking an ass? No. Are you trying to say you've never had fucking shit problems with fucking an ass? No. Are you trying to say, what? I don't fuck asses like you do.

He's an ass fucker. We talked about this the other day. Dude. That's all you do. Every conversation I have with you, you tell me a new girl and you're fucking in the ass. If you've, I mean, come on. You're an ass fucker. I am an ass fucker. But you have a fetish about ass fuckers. I don't have a fetish about ass fucking. Listen, dude. Ass fucking is shame.

What are you? Don't shame an ass fucker. No, first of all, what were you about to say? You were about to get. No, you were about to get. There's a fetish. You've never encountered poop in your travels? My travels.

Are you trying to tell me you've never fucked an ass where there hasn't been like a situation? Dude, I'm not. I don't have the repertoire. You're walking through the woods on a snow evening. I've lived alone. Taking the road less challenging. Ass fucking is more for the man. It's not.

And also, buddy. What? It is so overrated. What's overrated? It's more visual. The butt? Because you feel like, I think it's a psychological thing.

Yeah, I'm not gonna say it's not. It's all psychological. But it's not just for me. I haven't fucked. You're a psychopath. Tom. You are. I haven't fucked a cat. We all know you're a psychopath.

That is rude as fuck. First off, secondly. The pussy's many times better. Listen. Do you know how many more hooded sweatshirts are in that closet to keep you warm for your bird? This is true. You fuck a closet is empty of jackets, the asshole.

No jackets in that closet. Yeah, the asshole. If you're called the winner, pussy. A lot of jackets. Look, I'm not saying, I hate this fucking analogy. Me too. I'm like, where? Me too.

But I had to stick to it too. I was like, what are you fucking talking about? I know, I started. Because anytime you talk about this shit, the more you navigate around exactly what you're talking about, the creepier it sounds. True. We're all trying to figure ourselves out.

I'm just saying. You never got a little poop on your dick when you fucked an ass? No. That's, I mean, that's good. Do you know why? Why? Send that to Snopes. I'll tell you why. Because women that are actually into it,

they prepare themselves. Sure. But there have been also times- We're not going to fucking- You've never had an impromptu? A Denny's triple stack pancake. You've never had struck oil? That's fucking bullshit.

I would tell you. It's human shit. I'm also not like, it is interesting. I'm also not like, it is interesting. I'm getting hungry. No, I understand. I understand. But you truly have a fetish about it. I don't have a fetish about it.

What I'm saying is- Ryan, how many times have we talked? When did I see you last? When did you see me last? When did you see me last? You don't fucking remember? You're sober. When did i see you last when did you see me last when did you see me last you don't fucking remember you're sober when did i see you last this weekend yeah you did oh yeah you did see me this way jesus christ sorry man friday night friday night yeah what was the first conversation we had poop dick no it wasn't poop dick it was yeah you're right all right it was

about fucking a girl yes all right Tommy do you know 80% of our conversations start 80% with you fucking a girl yeah I think that's inflated numbers yeah that's a bunch of shit no pun intended dude that's fucking bullshit you got your shit on your dick get this reading jesus christ perfect goodness good lord i'm just saying man i don't have a fetish i think what i have is an affinity for fucking for butt for putting my dick in an ass and my face in an ass i don't see why that's passionate yeah but don Yeah. That's a popular thing, the dick in the butt. You know what I mean? It's like throwing a...

Thank God we have our therapist here. That's a popular thing, man. This is how the bot would respond to you via text. That's a popular thing, the dick in the butt. The dick in the butt. This is the fat Asian, basically. Jesus Christ. I know. What a robot response. It's a popular thing, the Asian in the basement. Jesus Christ. What a robot response.

It's a proper thing to dick in the butt. I'm just saying. But you know what I mean? It's like putting a trash, like a baseball bat in a trash can. Like once you get through the, there's nothing. It's a hallway.

You know? It's like walking down a hallway. Eat your fucking ass. It's just like beating off with a ring of a finger look I've never pussy raps I'm not saying it doesn't the man hit

the butthole can balloon it can gape it gapes up but the fact of the matter is I've never been like yo I want to fuck your ass it's domination it's a psychological domination but I've never been I've never been like yo i want to fuck your domination it's a psychological domination but i've never been a hundred percent i've never been in the position where i'm like yo i want to fuck ass

do you hold two knives when you fuck a girl in the answer just one two what i'm saying is put a miner's helmet on i do i do i got a gas mask with a fucking connector to my hip. Just like I'm born. There's a bird on your shoulder. She's like, this is bad, baby. Cause her ass stinks so bad. I'm looking like the mom from the fucking great depression.

The canary dies. Cause she, she doesn't have any. She's got no oxygen in there, dude. It's all nauseous. She's got no oxygen in there, dude. It's all noxious fumes. She smells so bad the bird dies. The canary's dead in that pussy. Damn, we're having fun. Dude, I'm just saying,

I've never been like, yo, let me fuck that ass. It's always been like- There's no way. It's always been like, yo, fuck my ass. There's no way. It doesn't make sense.

I don't believe that the same way I don't believe Tommy's never had poop on his dick. First of all, you not ever having poop on your dick, that's like you've not fucked enough asses or you've... Did you watch the Cowboys game this weekend? No. There's a kid trying to make the team. He had a punt return for a touchdown and a kickoff return for a touchdown. The way he navigates around the defenders.

Maybe that's what I know. Maybe I'm zigzagging around Donald. Yeah, maybe you should have zigged when you zagged. Maybe you would have got poop on your dick. No, you got poop on your dick. You got poop on your dick. You just don't want to talk about it. You ever smelled your dick after some butt stuff and been like, oh my God.

First off, you've smelled your dick after butt stuff? Oh, my nose is above it. How big's your dick, dude? What are you doing? Smelled your dick after butt stuff. Jesus, Chris. How do you manage to say the grossest shit possible? What the fuck are you talking about?

I couldn't even, if you sent me that script going, hey, how can I make this statement worse? No notes. I'd be like, you nailed it. You sound like a guy who's never had ass sex before talking to like, like in the eighth grade. Do you ever smell your dick after butt stuff, guys? Well, I don't bend over and smell it. I'm just saying.

You had poop on your dick and you couldn't smell it? I mean, I smelled the poop. Okay. Well, here we go. Jesus. I smelled the poop. Okay, well, here we go. Jesus. I smelled the shit. The shit in the room. The air of shit. Stuff I've heard is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Life is full of twists, turns, stress, changes, and grief. Moments of growth and moments where we feel like we're dead. Oh, man. BetterHelp online therapies. it's where we feel like we're taking a few steps back. Oh man, this is... You better help online therapies. Is here to help? They assess your needs, match it with your own licensed professional therapist. Plus it's 48 hours.

Holy fuck, man. What a lead-in to that. great personal experience with therapy why do you think therapy is important for others dude keep going i can't all right we'll go better it's not a crisis line and it's not self-help it's professional therapy done securely online worldwide you can log into your account time and send a message to your therapist. Yeah. You could schedule weekly video or phone sessions as our guest does. No uncomfortable waiting room.

Verbatim. I wasn't supposed to read that. Verbatim. BetterHelp is committed to film. Post matches that's why they make it easy and free to change therapists you got to change your therapist whoa come on man you're not in the way don't talk shit that's why they make it easy and free to change therapists. Verbatim. Okay.

All right. It's more affordable than traditional therapy and financial aid is available. Visit betterhelp.com slash stuff island. That's betterhelp.com slash stuff island. Special offer for stuff island listeners. You get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash stuff island. If you do do this shit, you should send us messages and we'll read it. See if it's changed your life. I actually was supposed to sign up.

Why didn't you? I got the code from our ad agent for some reason. It gave me 10% off instead of free. And I was like, nah, I'm going to wait. I'm going to wait for the free stuff. Now, Tom, you think you would benefit from therapy? 100%. Yeah? Yeah. What things do back yeah what what's holding you back ignorance why do you think shit why do you think no reason just laziness now is it laziness are you

afraid no I'm not afraid at all are you sure yeah you sound afraid no it's the same thing with like taking seven days off of booze and no one would think I would do that I would do it I the same thing with like taking seven days off of boozing. No one would think I would do that. I would do it. I just want to get like comfortable. Like if someone signed me up, like if I had a wife. Yeah, I get what you're saying. Well, yeah.

That's the way I looked at it because I was like, I won't do therapy. I would do it like if it's court appointed, I would do therapy. It's like the monotonous shit we do all day long where it's like, I'll get to it. Yeah. I just don't feel like i'm like ready like i've done therapy a couple times and every time i'm like in there and i'm saying stuff and it's just like i don't even know if this is true i also i also feel like a fucking you know what i mean you're like you're like well here's my backstory and then you like you're like ah that needs a rewrite well it was

just like that was just like what i was feeling that day that's a good point it was like this you know momentary appraisal of where i am and where i have been that's like not even really true so then every time you go in there you're like kind of just starting over again and they're like they don't know what the hell's i have a theory on this based on people that are in our industry whether they're writers actors comics people that like are in entertainment you spend so much time collaborating and like building stories and like saying funny things being interesting that the vulnerability becomes like oh yeah dude i've definitely there's so scared to just go i'm gonna tell you exactly what I remember. And I think the initial response is probably in a costume. So the reason you feel like, ah, fuck it.

It's like when you're actually talking to somebody you really care about and you start to dive deep, you would never do that with somebody that wasn't already in your circle. So this is somebody you've never met before yeah and you're trying to be either entertaining likable funny to tell you the truth I will say that like I was very I'm always honest with her because like she's not in the circle

I'm honest with her because she's not gonna like bust my balls like my buddy there's no political complications there's no there's no fucking you know she has no ulterior motive there's nothing I complications there's no there's no fucking you know she has no ulterior motive yeah there's nothing i'm gonna say that like later i'm gonna be worried about her like talking with my fucking friends about like yo do you hear about shader yeah fucking poop on his dick yeah i'm like no i don't need that shit but what i'm saying is when i talk like i'm i'm

more open with a stranger because i'm like you don't give a flying fuck what i'm saying but that's also the fucking double edge that's sort of like you don't give a fuck what i'm saying but that's also the fucking double edge that's so honestly because like you don't give a fuck what i'm saying as far as i know you don't give a flying fuck what i'm saying and i feel like a retard talking to you yeah like that's what i think half the time like i just sound stupid see i'm like what what is even open you know you're like i'm being open but it's like i'm not even this might not be accurate you know what i'm saying why wouldn't it be accurate why wouldn't it be accurate because it's like what your appraisal is of like who you are and where you're at in life depends on the day i mean it's like doing this podcast you know what i mean it's like there's shit that i probably said six months ago you don't believe anymore yeah but it's true as long as you're speaking reality, you know things happen to you. That's called growth.

That's what that is. I'm telling you. That's the cum noise. That's the cum noise. That was so fucking good. All right, I gotta go. That was it. Jesus Christ.

Do you join the page? What's that? You're in for the page, yeah? Yeah. All right, let's go. What are you having? You want to plug something? That's the way you said it. Oh, just check out post this hold on Chris it's gonna plug so Wi-Fi podcast you fucked it oh you get that on iTunes stitcher Apple whatever and check

out the Twitter at Wi-Fi podcast yes dude you fucked it yeah the bees man