Stuff Island - Stuff Island #44 - seatbelt pocketbooks w/ Nathan Macintosh

Episode Date: September 7, 2022

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beautiful yeah beautiful i see because like dude whatever man yeah you know what i mean it's great good for you thanks yeah like i'm excited it's great it's also a different vein like we're like you know just like every every decade of life you're you're in a different mindset like in terms of like where i'm at right now for like developing stand-up or like wanting to talk about shit yeah i'm completely void of like my old thoughts and like i can't rework some of the shit i've i used to say i tried to do that as a safety blanket like in terms of like let's prepare let's take three old bits that i know worked yeah sometimes you can though sometimes maybe i think a lot of times you can sometimes there's like a an old bit

that like there's still a core of it that's who you are but then you have like a whole new sort of like take on it it's way better yeah i don't know i'm fucking nervous my mother i talked to my mother today here he is working bits that's not what i meant man i just had this traffic You guys see the traffic? So anyway, me and mom are Kmart. I'll tell you this. I have way too much pride to work a bit in front of my mother.

My mother, let me tell you. What is she doing? So I'm talking to her, and she's like, this is so crazy, because I don't know where she asked me. She's like, are you doing stand-up? I talked to her in like a month. And she's like, I haven't talked to you. Don't call me back. All this shit. All the mom shit. And she's like, I was stand-up shit i talked to her in like a month and she's like i haven't talked to you don't call me back all this shit all the mom shit and she's like i was listening to a comic on npr and you know what i realized he had a mentor and you never had a

mentor tom and maybe you know maybe that's what you were missing yeah maybe told him how to hold a mic told him how to keep his cadence at a certain level you go up you go down you go up you go down you're all over the place and i'm like bitch this is why i don't talk to you every month she listened to the pod uh no so she just hates your cadence here's the here's the facts we talked to my mom she shits on my dad immediately because i was the only one that would shit on my dad in front of my mom to give her more respect because you know is your dad around yeah yeah yeah they're together and uh we'll get into that but uh i got i got stories i know i fucking know uh no i fucking know and i'm excited for it but I want to go back to your mom thing

real quick before you go yeah they're together yeah but not in a way

right they're not connected in the house emotionally yeah they're married they're married and Catholic

yeah Philly yeah they're outside of Philly now they moved from Delco stage 4 marriage to

yeah stage 4 marriage let me tell you something beeps from random room beep beep dude the tumor is growing

beyond control yeah but they're learning to live with it they're both gonna fall at the same time like a rocky belt so she's like

she loves like as soon as she sees me enter the door I know she's been getting battered around not physically Jesus Christ I mean like he jokes he jokes and fucks her fucks her up so when the kids come my mom gets my mom's like it's because me and my brothers will fuck with my dad

in front of my mom and my mom loses her shit to the point where she's coughing laughing you know what i mean because she doesn't have the comebacks and all that stuff but she's fucking hilarious i'm laughing on the street at my mother's natural stories trying to get off the phone because i was like mom i gotta i gotta go i gotta go and she goes okay one more this is how she ended this last conversation one more thing your cousin keelan uh met a guy in aa they're getting married um you know you want to know what he what he does for a I'm like, mom, I got to go. She goes, he makes pocketbooks out of seatbelts. Out of seatbelts. I was like, dude, I can't.

I couldn't write that. What the fuck? If I went to master's class of comedy writing, and this bitch is just spewing fucking gold every time she talks. Shout out Keelan when she rules. There was a phase there where people were making like duct tape wallets.

Yeah, that was disgusting. Dead serious. The bullshit wallet that flips nine fucking ways. The magic magicians. Where are my keys? I don't know. I always hated that bullshit. That was a virgin's purse in the 90s.

If you got three folds on a wallet, suck her, dude. Get out of my face. Real quick. Before we move on from your your mom yeah and cadence and whatever yeah you're talking about decades in comedy and all this kind of stuff you can't go back to your older stuff you just can't no i know let it die shoot it get a gun yes right on a piece of paper and blow it away seriously yeah but also the the two things that are pretty great one your cadence look i don't want to be. Your mom's wrong.

Of course she's fucking wrong, Nathan. Thank you. Good. I was just like, I hope. You think I'm taking her knowledge? I don't know. You seem to be into the fucking seatbelt wallet thing. We got three.

I was going to give you guys both wallets. I love this. She's like, your cadence. Happy Labor Day, you cunts. Columbus Day is coming up. Who wants a seatbelt wallet? Seatbelt wallet. He's just got an Italian

doing a fucking... A little fucking buckle on it. Yeah. But no. Your cadence is fine. It's your old material that needs to go. Oh, that's not what I was saying.

That's hilarious. Chris. That's not what I was saying. You want a real piece of shit. Shoot that out of a cannon. My best friend throwing me on the goddamn bus. No, where you're at though in life now, you just can't. That's what I'm saying you know what I mean shoot that out of your my best friend throwing me on the goddamn bus

no where you're at though in life now you just can't that's what I'm saying and you know this 100% so and the other thing here is

and this is over the last few years this has been this is a good thing about comedy it's also like you know comedies are miserable

fucking existence at points you know what I mean but one good thing is that there is no more there's no more age stuff yeah anybody can do anything like 10 years ago even you'd have to be you got to be 21

hot tight yeah big tits yeah huge dick yeah whatever the hell it still works for women sure but for for anybody to go like we want this person now dude you could be a fucking 68 year old goddamn laundromat owner yeah 42 not you oh 68 year old laundromat owner. Yeah, 42. Not you. Oh. 68-year-old laundromat owner. And you're a TikTok sensation. You're selling out fucking hilarities. You're in Cleveland getting blown. Do you know what I mean? Yes.

Like you don't need. Getting blown. There's the laundromat guy that's sucking his dick. I feel like I know you from somewhere. Are you the laundromat guy? Wait a minute. What? Anytime somebody sees somebody in a magic box,

they want to suck them. Am I wrong? It's just like, if you watch somebody enough on this fucking magic box, somebody will suck you if they see you enough. Because they want to be big in the magic box too. Everybody wants to be big in the magic box. And the crazy thing is,

we can all be big in the magic box. We can all be big in the magic box. So anyways, so I love that you're coming back. I think it's great. And now, wherever you're coming back i think it's great yeah and now wherever you're at in life it's gonna be better than it was before yeah buddy you could fucking you get blown in cleveland we're going tomorrow come on columbus columbus columbus oh it's a short drive it's a short drive would you not make the same fucking hellhole. God. Shout out Ohio. You're living in that fucking dump.

Jesus Christ. Nobody gets blown in Columbus. Cleveland, though. Nobody gets blown in Cleveland. Someone's going to approach you in Columbus like, you're living the wrong dream. Your cadence is all over the place. Otherwise, I'd suck your dick right now.

You're up. I don't know what's going on. You're so confused. The cadence signal legitimately is a thing that I think about every once in a while because I go up know what's going on you're so confused the cane signal legitimately is a thing that I think about every once in a while because I go up

I go down you're wild you're wild you're wild you're wild dude you know what this is right now

this is a spider-man meme point manager that's all this is yes me and you in the alley of a comedy club. You know what's funny?

Both not getting blown. Then we're just standing 69ing each other. Two fucking seatbelt wallets fall out of our pockets. Just the loudest 69 of all time. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can see you two bitching at each other about how it's getting done

the whole time man but the cadence thing maybe there's a personal thing two seagulls fucking fighting over a bagel the cadence thing

I think is like a personal thing though when I hear it as well cause I go I can't stop sucking your dick I mean that one look

so anyways when I hear the canes I also go I'm also talking to people so when I hear it from your mom I hear I go fuck you I'm not even talking to anybody

but this is why certain people that you gotta go up you gotta go down if you're all up people tune the fuck out and if you all up, people tune the fuck out. And if you're all down, people tune the fuck out. I used to just be all up.

100% pure fucking... Punch him in the face with your fucking voice. Eventually people are doing... Yeah. Because you're just noise at some point in time. You gotta bring it down. Here's the problem. And be a regular human being sometimes.

My mother was trying to assimilate. My mother's trying to connect with me going, I listen to an NPR thing about comedy. She was trying to say the right things, but like my mother has always done, the final message is way off from all the lessons she's learned throughout the fucking learning process. Everything she said was like, whoa, yeah.

Oh my God, I'm going gonna become close to her in this moment and the final dismount is like a fucking a lady trying to do a a triple lindy and then belly flop and i'm like well you didn't learn anything yeah you don't fucking you know you don't say that because the purpose of not the purpose one of the the most entertaining aspects of comedy is like the you know the misdirection and that comes with tone as well like the tonality of like what you're talking about that the heightened voice the lower voice it's it's a roller coaster that's why why the fuck would i want to be the same tone you because i think about this every once in a while with like because people say that i'm angry and like all all right, but I'm more like cartoon angry than anything.

I don't walk around angry, but I always find it interesting when there's people that are angry. They are angry for the whole hour that they're on stage, but they're angry at like abortion. Okay. Then they're angry about forks. Yeah. It can't be the same level of anger.

Oh, you can. Fucking three prongs. dude I hate three prongs I genuinely do three times that's why I really yell every time I throw a fork out like just aborting

natural forks the guy brings it together at the end that's why I had to aborting natural forks aborting forks the guy brings it together at the end this is why I had to abort all those forks goodnight Cleveland no joke

every Thanksgiving Christmas my mom always breaks out these old like this old silverware from like to impress no no it's like this old silverware from like to impress no no yeah it's like her grandparents silverware yeah and it's like the knives don't cut and

there's three times on the forks it's just like you can't eat yeah not fucking around with the disgusting those are old forks that big rations first of all you're you're you're cooking a bear in the woods with a three-pronged fork if your mom's 70 and she's got her grandmom's forks yeah that's old that bitch was yeah they were hunting these were on a train at some point a guy tried to steal them from the guns you know what i mean yeah they dry their clothes and themselves on lines like they're fucking i love the idea that three times is low tech i love the backyard what i love you see it no i didn't see it but as you brought it up i i i my whole like my grandparents had a clothesline my great-grandparents i had a clothesline growing up maritimes where

i'm from canada yeah a lot of clotheslines yeah it's a fucking fiesta so this i don't know if the camera can pick it up if it's in the back it doesn't matter but you'll see it looks like a tiny ladder that continues to go up yeah it's in the back of only about 20 of yards because there's not that many yards in historia yeah but that line anyone else would take it down what yeah i think most people would yeah yeah but it's historic it's maybe it's historical it is yeah it's protected by fat old greeks yeah they're gonna put a little license plate going established in fucking i don't know 1935 germany was on the up and up we should have pictures fucking running

running giant underwear out for fat kids everybody's fat in this store was there even fat people in the 30s no no dude in the 90s you saw one which is now an average person on the beach everybody's talking shit yeah this guy meanwhile he's probably like 180 you know five eight i was never on the beach i was hiding in shade under i can't they were never they were never in shape either what they were never like in shape either. What? They were never in shape either. We're talking about fat people. No, I know. I'm saying people in general. What are you talking about?

I'm saying people back in the day. That's bullshit. They weren't as fat. If you're talking the 90s, people were fucking ripped. Yes. In the 90s, people were ripped. You're completely wrong. In the 80s, the 70s, 80s?

80s? 80s is worse. Everybody knows. Everybody's roided up. There's a couple guys. Look at the pro athletes. There are two guys. Arnold and Stallone. There's a couple guys. Look at the pro athletes. There are two guys. Arnold and Stallone.

There was Lou Ferrignone. They carried the whole industry. Dude, and they're not, they were like, if you go back and watch that, they like weren't even that jacked. Dude, everybody was in shape in the 80s and 90s.

That's really funny. Look at the pro athletes, dude. They look ridiculous. No, that's because of the materials they're wearing. Baseball? Baseball? Baseball's a different deal.

It's not the material, dude. No, they're wearing of the materials they're wearing. Baseball? Baseball? Baseball's a different deal. It's not the material, dude. No, they're wearing giant fucking jerseys covering all their fucking... No, no, no. I'm telling you. Dude, I'd be able to... Look at the 86 Mets. The 86 Mets look like a softball team. I love that this all comes down to one team.

There was no RIP people in the 80s. No, no, no. In the world, the 86 Mets. I swear to God, look... Wait a minute. My bad. That's actually... It's not RIP people in the 80s. No, no, no. In the world, dude. The 86 mess. I swear to God. Wait a minute. My bad. That's actually not RIP. A good team.

That's actually a good team. Also, dude. Is that Piazza? I don't know anything about it. No, Piazza's early 2000s. 2000s? Are you sure? He had fucking...

Mid 2000s. Really? He had goddamn Super Nintendo games Mike Piazza's fucking baseball yeah Super Nintendo what is he

that's like 90s early 2000s no it was peak he was probably like late it was probably like 90s 2000s yeah

you're telling me when Kid Rock was big Piazza was catching is this serious I'm serious I don't know anything is this serious

let me tell you something that sentence you just said has never been said in the existence of man. I promise you. Isn't that fucking special? When you hear a sentence, you can see,

I went up a little bit. I'm trying to bring him in. I know. Let's bring him back down. That's waking him up. They reached out for a chicken. What the fuck was that? I get it. What a line. When the fuck was that? I get it.

What a line. A lot of people sitting in their cubicle jumping. Mike Piazza was fucking great. Like, no one's ever, I guarantee you no one's ever said that same thing. That's an original sentence. Piazza has. Kid Rock has. They both, they Spider-Man memed each other somewhere.

When Kid Rock did Citi Field, if that was even around, they both looked at each other. We both sold this place out. Piazza was full Shay. Yeah. People really hate, this has nothing to do with anything. People really hate Kid Rock now. And you know-

Dude, Shane just did a show with Kid Rock in Nashville. Yeah, he's all right. Hilarious. I know that he's like, yeah, he goes to the Zany's. I know that he goes to the club there all the time. Somebody's saying that he,

they were telling me that he went to see them and he had like a whole bunch of strippers or whatever the fuck up in the car. Apparently he's the man. He just yells shit. He said he interrupted the whole show. Of course. Yeah, he's gone the Nugent route.

We forget. Yeah, Teddy's crazy. Yeah. Do we like, I wasn't here for Nugent, but I was here for Kid Rock. Yeah. People forget. If you weren't here.

Ball with the ball. Kid Rock, look at, get fucking serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm not talking about what he. Put some respect on Kid Rock. That's it. Yeah. I'm not talking about like what he, I'm not talking about what he... Put some respect on Kid Rock. That's it. I'm not talking about what he... I'm not talking about what the fuck he votes for.

I'm talking about if you were here from 99 to like 04, this motherfucker had fucking hits. Yes, dude. You go to sporting thing, that's fucking being played. Goddamn WrestleMania, video games. The guy fucking... The guy kicked ass. Yeah.

That's all. That's it. Yeah, yeah yeah you're mainline and straight kid yeah yeah all kid uncut kid dude no joke you can no deal on uncut kid but people i don't know it seems like there's some younger people that are like they hate him for and good you want to hate him for that but people just talk like he sucks he always sucks it's like nah man you just weren't here, dude. I'm sorry. And you didn't even have to like him at the time.

But the motherfucker, him and Sheryl Crow, pitcher, get fucked. Yes. Thank you. Nobody can tell me that they, at the time, they weren't like fucking weeping in their cars because their goddamn spouse is dead. Yeah. It's a great point. If you want.

No. It's a great point it's a great point you cannot argue it's iron clad when someone talks with passion about nonsense like this yeah it really gets me going dude it really gets dude i'm not fucking around it's my favorite i i swear to you i'll listen to anybody talk about anything as long as they have a couple of like i like complaining and when people come like say something goes like this they go this gatorade sucks i'm like yeah keep going elaborate and if they just tell me i don't know what sucks i go i'll get fucked like yeah you didn't do anything tell me the bottles bullshit tell me you got beat by your

father while sipping blue gatorade tell me something I don't want to hear that. What? I don't either. That's a great story. Blue ice crush or whatever it's called. Yes. He's trying to relax. He hit me in the head with a fucking Gatorade. Also, do you know

the Frosted Gatorade is just cherry? Is that going to fuck your mind up right now? There's a Frosted Gatorade. There's a Frosted Gatorade. It's one of the best fucking flavors.

It's unbelievable. Oh, it's a flavor. It's just cherry. It's a flavor. Yeah, it's white. It looks like cum. It looks like horse cum. Oh, that one.

Okay. I thought you meant there's like a frozen Gatorade and i was like no no no i almost pushed this ran out the door like a commercial frosted cold okay got you it's called frosted yeah but when somebody told me that somebody told me that i was like don't say that it was like kid rock in 99 fucking huge did you guys watch that fucking um Woodstock 99 yes the doc yes unbelievable so you watch the doc and it takes again I was like fucking whatever at the time and you go oh yeah you forget to

limp biscuit fucking kick people can say whatever the fuck they want what are you talking about you can say whatever you want I don't like him today he sucks now dude dude dude dude I apologize you weren't here I understand you were born in 2003 and and your whole life is whatever you missed apologize you weren't here i understand you were born in 2003 and and your whole life is whatever you missed and you don't need it's like if you get a time machine you're not gonna go back to fucking listen to roland again but at that time can you imagine

that day you're sitting there you're covered in mud it's the 90s okay it's not mud it's also also shit. Oh yeah. There's no bathroom. That mud that was in the kitchen. That ice lid. The whole time I was like, that's not... You went on a diarrhea luge or whatever the fuck it is. You know, I have diarrhea luge. Just Typhoon Lagoon pure shit. When they went, it was just shit. The editor's perfect.

The editor goes, let's get a guy sliding face first into human shit. Dude, ball with the ball to bang the dang diggy diggy. I gotta say, I'm not buying it. I think it's hype. What do you mean? I think they're hyping it. I think it was fine.

I think the whole thing was fine. Do you think it's like a recut? Shut the fuck up. What do you think it's a Sky Lounge at fucking LaGuardia? Everybody just had their own space. I just think people had a good time. It got a little messy. So you're saying there was probably like 20.

Dude, if people were sliding through human shit, there would be data about deaths. That's the data. We saw the data. You know what I mean? There'd be data. There'd be ethics. There it is.

All you're doing is sliding through shit. He just defined a documentary. It's two hours of data. Like, what? There'd be ethics. There it is. All you're doing is sliding through shit. He just defined a documentary. It's two hours of data. No, it's not. It's four hours. Visual representation. No, that could be. That's mud as far as I'm concerned.

I like it. No, I like it. I like that we've reached this point in time where literally, remember when people didn't used to just question everything? Yeah. Is this a microphone? Yeah. Yeah.

Could be. I don't know. Could be. Maybe it's a can of soup. Yeah. Dude, cool. It's not you. I was specifically. Yeah, is this a microphone? Maybe it's a can of soup. Yeah, cool Specifically yeah, no they slept. I can't watch it. It was shit. Yeah. No, that's how cynical I've become is if Information is being delivered to me and it's entertaining. It's false, right? That's our whole punch like if something's true. It's boring It's gone if it's true, it's boring. It's just like... Yeah, this country's really falling. It's gone. If it's true, it's boring.

The next president will be a can of mountains. Yeah. I hope so. I hope so. And so, you know what his opponent says? He's just cherry. Yeah. He's just cherry.

Don't look into it, but if you think about it, it's cherry. It's such a mindfuck. He's like, why didn't you vote for him? He's like, well, he just said cherry sucked. He had nothing after that. Hey, just change your color. Yes, he didn't even complain about why cherry. There's a pit in the middle.

There's a fucking stem. Dude. The whole thing. There's so many reasons to complain about cherry. Why are they always in one big bowl? Can I get one cherry? You want me to eat 50 of these? That's a great analogy for changing a president from white to black,

but having the same color, because they're the same fucking dog shit. Yeah, cherries and mountain dew. They're all the same color because they're the same fucking dog shit. Yeah. Just throw the same flavor. Throw it out here to fuck us. I want to follow. You know what I'm saying? No, but I want to. If this politician has proven himself to be cherry,

looks like a cherry, acts like a cherry, you change the color, the truth comes out, tastes and looks like cherry, treating you like ahuh. The truth comes out. Tastes and looks like cherry. Treating you like a cherry. It's all cherry. It's a mindfuck. You're saying no matter who is running it. Yes.

It's a mess. You're eating out of it. Unless. It's a big cherry mess running through a luge of shit. While a lip biscuit is bliss. Yeah, breaks stuff. To distract the fat idiots. Yeah.

Yes. Look at us, guys. Make them eat each other. We just brought everything together. This is the key to winning any argument is you make an analogy so vague it cannot be. Yes. Dispute it.

Yes. Anyway, Joe Rogan's here, guys. Joe, you tell me the world isn't a bowl of chips. He cartwheels in. Whoa. Just covered in fucking. Just a giant cherry. He'd be covered in mud, right?

Oh, a big cherry. He's dressed as a big cherry. Just Kool in mud right oh a big cherry he's dressed he's dressed as a big cherry just Kool-Aid mans through the fucking wall you pussies do MMA man but if you were

we'll cap this I guess whatever I don't mind I'm choosing segments you wanna do our ad read too Nathan the bulls are you. Casper.

Big old mattresses. Put your dick right in one. No, don't listen to that. Cut that. No, no. We're not Casper. Who do you got? What do you got?

Draft Kings today. Oh, Draft Kings. Fuck yeah, man. I just fucking lost fucking $60,000 on Draft Kings. What? If you bet a little better. I bet on the 86, man. They don't play anymore.

They're all out of shape. They're all built like bowlers. Lenny Dykstra? Dude, we just did a podcast with Lenny Dykstra. Ian's. Ian's, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw that.

Fascinating man. I believe it. Obviously, for the partying and shit, but when he dropped down to be intimate and such, he was so wonderful. Is he a guy? What? This is the end such. He was so wonderful. Is he a guy? What? Is he and such?

When he dropped down to be intimate and such. Listen, I took my mom's notes early, all right? That was like a meatball sub trying to be sensitive. Is that why I'm sweating? And such. I'm sweating from lying to you guys i can't deal with all the anxiety also the woman my friend the woman in this casket was a great lady or whatever just happened but i believe that because he he was a guy i mean he already

did the podcast so whatever but like he he did a lot of fucking drugs and shit, right? Yeah. Oh, he's nuts. So I could assume that he would have unbelievable stories. And also, if he did want to get open or whatever, I mean, my God. What he would be able to access from what he's gone through would just be fucking unbelievable. A plethora of fucking information. Yeah.

That I was like, every now and then, just like back to my childhood. Ian, obviously, is like, that's his fucking hero. I had a poster of Dykstra on my wall. Did he play for? Philly, yeah. He did, okay. Yeah, 93. He was like one of the best players.

At that point, he was roided up, doing coke, doing opiates on a daily basis. He said this on the fucking couch. And I'm looking at him and the whole time just thinking about that just going to ua he was taking like three amoxicillin a day because he was fucking so many disgusting he would take std medications on the reg wow like fucking i didn't mean to say that as loud as i did that was your mom would have been like bring it down i mean that's crazy i didn't even, can I tell you this? This is how little, I'm fucking garbage.

I didn't even know you could buy STD medication. Well, he had hookups. Yeah, yeah. He's got, yeah. You can't, you gotta go to a clinic. Thanks for letting me know. Yeah. Because I have a trip planned.

Yeah. It's gonna walk into CVS. Where's the dick stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want the Dykstra Full Dykstra uniform with eye black on be like, can I get my fucking rough game? You can call it that After the game after the game rough game. Yeah, I got a doubleheader coming up Saturday night. Two women. I have no idea. I went like this. I know. The amount of drugs those guys were on.

It's just like, how do you do it? How do you do it? I took a half an edible a couple of years ago, and I still don't want to do that again. Really? Yeah. You don't do any drugs? Not really. I might smoke weed once, twice a year.

Same as drinking. You don't drink either? I used to drink as a thing, so I don't drink now. Not really. But why not? I drank fucking hard from 13 to 19. Me too. Did you?

Right. I started, yeah, I started in seventh grade. I started like eight, yeah. I had an ulcer at 15. So I had like huge pills that were like, I couldn't swallow them. I had to chew them sometimes. Up my ass. Brutal.

Yeah. That's crazy. 15 year old jamming a pill with his ass i'm fine wait which way that's just my ulcer yeah yeah damn i forget my locker code lodged in my ass oh my god how did you know you had an ulcer just from like the man reflux the pain i had yeah i know but like one night i uh one night i woke up with like crazy stomach pain and i was uh you know when you have how much were you drinking i was drinking um me and my friend every wednesday we called it wasted wednesday right me and him would each get

a quart so i'd have a quart of vodka and it came with a little cranberry thing and he'd do the same and we made this little bar in the woods we found a fucking flipped over fridge in the woods and it was the best we made like a little fire other people would come whatever but i was bringing a quart to myself at times so it was like i mean i mean quartz like what 20 what do you got 26 ounces at 15 yeah 15 16 so too much too much yeah i couldn't do if i did that right now i i think I'd go right to the hospital. Like legitimately. Yeah. That's a lot of fucking.

It's crazy. So one night, I had crazy stomach pains. And you know when like, sometimes you have a stomach pain, if you like. Move, you fart. Sure.

I meant. I meant. Yeah. Let him go, dude. I was gonna say, if you like, you sit in a certain, it's just,

the pain's kind of gone. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. This was no dice. So i was on the kid i was on the bathroom floor crying holding my stomach fucking flipping the fuck out my mom comes in screaming at 100 and uh anyways i went to the doctor the next day and uh she was like what was she screaming about scared or she was mad yeah but like annoying her. What'd you say? Was she, she was annoyed or she was worried for you? I think she was worried,

but my mom's a little bit like yours in terms of like, she doesn't really have that gear. She's starting to get it now. I actually had a conversation with her today where there's like whatever and then at the end she goes,

oh, I saw this movie. Yeah. But she was just like crying. Pissed. I'm talking today. She was like, oh, I wish I wouldn't have, I saw this movie. Like just right to this. But at the time, she was just mad. Yes. Just fucking angry. I'm talking today. She was like, I wish I wouldn't have. I saw this movie.

Like just right to this. But at the time, she was just mad. Yes. Just fucking angry. My mother did the same shit, dude. I'd be throwing up at five and she'd be like,

oh my God, grow up. Come on, throw up. And I'm like scared that I'm like throwing up my innards and shit. She goes,

stop being a, you know, whatever the fuck. It's like a what you do type situation. Yeah. So anyways, I went to the doctor the next day

and the doctor was like, she was like, yeah, you have a fucking ulcer. You have to take pills. And she was like, you got to stop. Because I was like, yeah, I drink. And she said, you got to stop drinking. You told the doctor this? Yeah, she was like, what the fuck?

Were you afraid to tell the doctor? Afraid, no. At that age, no. At that time, man, I was really like, they told me to stop drinking and i didn't at all all i did was i started i started eating bread i would carry around a loaf of bread and a quart of rum like that's really what i was doing so i'd go to parties and shit like the woods i'm drinking eating like it's just disgusting because i was eating the bread to soak

up liquor but that's just oh it's insanity it's like putting acid on like a sugar pill like it's still gonna hit dude also eating a loaf of bread is not a fiesta like that's just... Oh, it's insanity. It's like putting acid on a sugar pill. Like, it's still going to hit. Dude, and also eating a loaf of bread is not a fiesta. Like, that's not good for your body. Were other kids terrified of you? No, no, no. This is the most Irish story I've ever heard in my life. The people I was...

The people... You don't do this by yourself. My whole group was that. Nobody really had a dad. Everybody was kind of fucked up. And this is what we were doing. So they were just like, oh, he's just got an ulcer. He's eating bread and drinking rum.

I mean, they were getting flocked too, dude. These people were getting flocked. Because we didn't. I had to learn how to drink casually. It took me years. I just drank to fucking get fucking destroyed. Anyways, yeah, I had to take these giant pills. I had to eat them.

It was ridiculous. So you hung out with a bunch of. So your father i know your father's situation you know him i thought you were gonna say i know your father i was like i was gonna be like wow hey joe can you breathe he's on he's on rogan cherry's shoulders he's on a chair that doesn't fit him because it was for like the 80s back when they were fucking fat yeah no one was in shape in the yeah nobody was in shape in the 80s no you had a you have a joke that i i never forgot about like uh having a catch with your dad with like the keys oh yeah hitting the chest yeah yeah it was years ago right years ago yeah yeah never forgot that you're talking about um my fucking uh it's so funny he had a joke about

keys i never forgot it listen dude take the compliment i know i know i appreciate you yeah it was about whatever it was about learning how to play catch without a dad whatever um but yeah yeah yeah no i thought you seriously had a catch with your dad with keys no no i was the whole joke was i can't i can't i can't catch anything so people the whole stupid joke was that people somebody would throw keys at me and they would just hit my chest and i'm like come on you know i didn't have a dad set them down all right and i'll go and get them yeah that's the whole deal all right we'll cut it you want me to start over yeah let's go back and can i stand up do you have a microphone as long as you keep your voice level we're good yeah no but tell can you talk about

that so you had multiple friends that didn't have dads. Nobody I knew had a dad. Are you kidding? No. What happened in this town? Influx of pussy in the other town? Just a surge of hot pussy in the town over. Hey, you know they're

blowing people in Cleveland. Guy gets in his Trans Am Blair's fucking Kid Rock oh dude cowboy I don't see him

around this time just dudes in Canada holding up maps going where the fuck is Cleveland that's how that was our Gold Rush

Mike Jeff Tom Pink Rush the old Pink Rush shifting for fucking pussy in the goddamn river dude Mike, Jeff, Tom. Pink Rush. The old Pink Rush. Shifting for fucking pussy in a goddamn river.

Dude. Sock again. License plate. Woman. So all the dads in the town just piled into a car. They were gone. They clown carded it and they drove away. A lot of people in the Maritimes don't fucking have dads. It's like some of the poorest provinces that there are and a lot of people explain the maritimes maritimes is a

collection of provinces in the east coast of canada it's new brunswick nova scotia pei that's it the newfoundland's over there but it's it's it's not part of them it's just farther east um but uh yeah people go from there out. They used to anyway, out West for oil. People go out to Alberta and work on the fucking oil fields and shit. Yeah. So that's what a lot of goddamn. Okay.

So you come in the town, sleep with a woman, skedaddle back for work. Well, or they just fuck a lady in their town and be like, well, I'm 20. Do I want a kid?

I got a couple of fucking Metallica tapes and they just blare those and drive away. You know what I mean? Damn. So, I mean, one, and the people that I did know that I hung out with that had dads, one guy's dad, and I always thought this was much worse

than my situation. His dad walked out at 10. When he was 10, this guy just straight up looked at this whole family and was like, I don't want to be here anymore and bailed. And I was always like, man, that's so much worse so much worse than what i yeah had that's like wait so he left from birth i met my dad once when i was five okay yeah but i didn't i didn't

know him no whoa yeah yeah that's better that is better because he didn't get to know you and then go no yeah that's what i'm saying so this he didn't get to know you and then go, no. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. So this guy, like, you know, 10 years and then his fucking dad just is like, yo, out. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you lead a kid. Yeah.

You would take it personal at that point. Well. You have to. I mean, like, yeah, that guy had like. He would have to take it personal. Some fucking anger issues. Yeah. Yeah.

But also, like, how do you. I don't know. You're a man, right? You're an adult. I can't even leave a fucking cat. I somewhere i couldn't do it i even if i went to and i'd be like all right bye and you you go you one last look and this little cat it's just like my eyes what are you i can't do it how do you do it to a man person that you fucking like raised do you know it's like crazy i i dating someone that is like void of like affection is like it's so foreign to me where like somebody doesn't want to be loved or somebody doesn't want to always be touched or or have this you know relationship where like they want some security

and affection it's so foreign to me even though how fucked up my childhood was in a way you still always go back to the fundamental love you know what i mean of like touch kiss you know there's something there yeah if you meet someone that's void of that are you talking about comedians yeah exactly it's exactly but i haven't fucked any male comedians i don't think that i refuse to fuck a female one i was gonna say i don't think the female ones are faring much better no exactly have you ever had sex with a female comic yeah have you ever had a relationship with them no right no but i i would say this on the on neither of us should be fucking each other

and I know that it works with some people but to me and they could say the same thing so I'm not like being like we're a bit whatever I feel like having sex with a female comedian is kind of like why did I walk myself

down this path I'll finish this sentence why did I do this I didn't have to do this I kept talking about Kid Rock. Stop it. Okay. This shit is more powerful than any- Fucking a female comedian seems like putting your dick in a Ouija board. You don't know what demons you're summoning.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yes. You don't- You might play with it and it's like, oh, nothing happened here. Or your house is haunted yeah and i i feel and they i'm sure they could say the same it's not like we're fucking regular human people no but you know what i'm saying i just feel like you you're taking a big risk if a comic started

yelling fuck my haunted house i would lose my shit dude it is bad it is bad because it's like not good like they do material about you you do material about them you feel weird i would never want to yeah i would never want to do material about exactly the person that's also doing material about me because you do hear it every once in a while somebody be like oh yeah my boyfriend wants me to pound him in the ass. You're like, I know both of you. Yeah. This is weird. Yeah.

Which I guess it's fine. But then there was definitely a conversation. They were like, can I do this joke about how you want to be fucked in the ass? And it's like, well, are you going to fuck me in the ass first? Can that happen as well? And then you do your little fucking 30-second bit. And it's also, it's the workplace. Yes, it's the workplace. Yeah, the workplace yeah but i also like it is

kind of the workplace i'm kind of in the mindset like i would never of course i had jokes about like ex-girlfriends but like they were they were never with a negative connotation it was always like something goofy they said that was like fun and interesting but never like about them deep enough that it would be like i would never want want to open that. Cause I also don't want her talking about like my own shit. But you might get caught in a really interesting, very negative haunted house. Yeah. And you want to talk about it.

You have to talk about it. Yeah. Well, that's what we do. But then you feel like, well, I can't really. Cause yeah,

it's weird. Yeah. If you have a rhino toe of a clitoris, I'm not going to fucking yap about it on stage. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to suck on it. I'm not going to fucking yap about it on stage. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to suck on it. I'm going to suck on it. I'm going to suck on it in the comfort of both of our houses.

Like a goddamn man listening to Kid Rock in the fucking dark. You take out a Walkman, just keep it all 90s? The yellow one? Press play, yeah. When the fucking, it skips while you're sucking on it? This thing never fucking works. Jesus Christ. See the batteries again? Jesus Christ. The batteries again?

Jesus Christ. Finish my Rhino, will you? Finish my Ouija. Dude, it's so funny. Yeah, I don't know. I wouldn't necessarily want to date a... But mostly because, too, as a comedian, you want some kind of break.

Yeah. You don't want to walk into your house and it's what you already have in your head yeah somebody being like man this thing didn't work i'm nowhere you're like yeah wait wait yeah some break some sort of fucking break the most consistent happiness i've had in long-term relationships with somebody that has no attachment to any industry that i'm in yeah i want a woman that's stable has her own career her own independence her own group of friends a nine to five go do your thing obviously we're going to be on different schedules and it'll be difficult to navigate that but i want the security of having someone next to me at night

that calms all the bullshit. What kind of career? What kind of career? High level corporate. I want a hot chick that dresses like a dyke. No, I want shout out lesbians. It's a fucking compliment. I don't think high level corporate ladies

are dressing like that I think they got like yeah I think they're ready you know what I mean we've moved on but I was talking about the 93 Phillies

what I envision yeah you want like a CFO yes of a fortune 500 company yeah god damn dude you're getting

tight ass worked up pencil dress or whatever oh yeah heels oh my god four sets of heels in her office

a blazer and she takes a blazer off and she's got a nice crisp fucking button up yeah under that another blazer and there's three dudes coming in going like are you ready for your thing and she's like not yet I want to fucking

not yet but she is ready she's totally ready she's totally ready she's not ready for them yet she's been ready for weeks but she wants them to sweat I get you this woman is a Wall Street bull

yeah I hear you but she pretends she'sat. I get you. This woman is a Wall Street bull. Yeah, I hear you. But she pretends she's not. Yeah, I get you. When the office is like, oh, Rachel doesn't know what's going on. But Rachel, she's got a lot of fucking side shit going on.

She's got she got the whole thing in her pocket. The second the CEO grabs another secretary, Rachel's fucking in the goddamn building jacket back on Starbucks out the fucking window.

Yeah. Rachel's zone. It Jacket back on. Starbucks out the fucking window. Yeah. Rachel's zoned in. It comes right back in like a boomerang. She throws out waffles. Little mocha crashes into the wall. I get it. Yeah, yeah. I get it.

Because you got to get specific. You know what I mean? If you're going to try to find- Caffeine boomerang, Chris. If you're going to set your sights on a lady- This is the most unrealistic Yeah no shit That's the point

When would you spend time with the person When she got home She's not gonna get home She's going to dinner She's wheeling and dealing You go to the office That'd be cool She gets home

You look at me like I can make that happen. That'd be cool, dude. That part of him. That's what I do, man. Two chicks at the same time. Down, down, down. That part. You got me.

You got me there. Go to the office. They got a big enough office. He's back in. He got me there. Now I'm. If you're going to take the time time because here's what you can't do I can't be like getting turned away in the office would suck my go. Yeah. Yeah, I'm busy

You tell my rage Happening here's what he would do if Rachel I'm giving her the name Rachel, whatever she could be whoever like that name She got she got she's white though. I don't like that. rachel can be fucking anything you know can she yeah guys yeah okay you know any latin rachels or black rachels black rachels yes you know a black rachel sure i do get the fuck i have met him you're i have met him don't do this don't do this i've met him he's met him the same way you remembered that bit I'm certain it happened I'm certain it happened but I can't remember

I was trying to show him up a thing and it fucking worked alright whatever it's a Latin woman it's a Latin woman whatever fucking name you want it's Rachel

there's no way there was a Rachel that you knew it was black what name you want what are you talking about what there's black Rachel let's look up a black there's no black Rachel yes there is that's a shame That you knew it was black. What name do you want? What are you talking about? What?

There's black Rachel. Let's look up a black Rachel. Yes, there is. That's a shame. The parents did them an injustice. Are there black Rachel? Terrible names. Rachel's are dog shit. I'm kidding.

Casper. Rachel's aren't allowed on them. Rachel Dolezal. The what? Dude. Wow. the Rachel Dolezal the white dude man wow fucking

wow yes dude wow the white woman that wanted to be black wow picked the wrong

was a CEO I believe she was pretty high up is she single she was pretty high up is she single she's gotta be single she was pretty high up

that was unbelievable she's pretty high up. That is unbelievable. She's pretty high up, man. How perfect. You're going over the office. That's like a set up bit. It's like something we play in. Yeah, you watch your cadence on that, man. Oh, my God.

You're going to crush it, Caroline. Oh, Mark. Oh, man. You got to get. This is what I was trying to say. Yeah. You got to get specific. You can't just go like, I want a woman. What the fuck does that mean? You got to get, this is what I was trying to say. Yeah. You got to get specific. You can't just go like, I want a woman.

What the fuck does that mean? You got to sit down. Of course. Fortune 500 company, whatever name you want, Latin, the height. You got to do the whole thing. You got to do the whole thing. Right. But the whole idea is a facade.

You just want somebody that's going to support you and be, the juxtaposition between their career and my career would be a benefit. You know, they have their own thing their own life their own time yet be supportive when you know what i mean i do yeah because i don't want i don't you can't just be always be here yeah you can't always be in my face and in my life with my friend like i want you to have your own existence but you want the support at the end of a day when shit is going awry the same thing with her the purpose of getting in the in the in the living room or the bedroom is like to align yourself and just drop all the bullshit and become one yeah like a fire in the woods while you're getting drunken yeah you know it's like uh it's a fucking that's that's the goal but i think

you know you want to get deeper it's like i don't know if it's possible i don't know yeah the timing is a genuine problem yeah and the level of expectation so people people have this this there's a social construct around like marriage at a young age which is fading now older people are getting divorced because it's acceptable which is happening at the highest rate possible going forward it's like being single at my age yeah is like oh what's wrong with you it's like right now it is yeah maybe i just haven't met someone that that i wanted to settle down with because they don't meet all of my qualifications do you know who would agree with you 20 year olds and you know what it's going to happen in 20 years nobody's gonna be married yeah nobody's

gonna be with anybody right monogamy's dead people are gonna be sucking on each other seriously yeah what would be the point what is the point everybody's gonna have sucked a dick the whole world seriously someday someday people gonna be like you know grandpa over here hasn't even sucked a dick yeah god he's so old yeah um it's all gone marriage will be. The whole thing will be toast. I get marriage. But I do believe, I've had an experience where I could have married a woman where she was truly my best friend.

Yeah. You know? I could have, but I wouldn't do marriage. It would just be like, I'll be with you. Yeah, so you're against marriage. Yeah.

There you go. You just, wow. I think it's 180 in the same sentence yeah i think i i think i'd like contractually though marriage you're saying in terms of of being with somebody yeah being with somebody but you don't have to go to the government you don't want to walk down the aisle no fuck with that that's marriage though marriage is not two people being together you know who's got it right go ahead gays they get married my gay friend bobby everything he

tells me i'm like you guys are fucking he's married to a man yeah they have this relationship where they they just they talk to one another and they're like yeah i'm gonna have sex with this person like all right cool wrap it up be careful be safe you are my partner for life that's where we love you that's where we're at i fucking love you of course yeah they're way ahead of the curve yeah but we're going. I love you. That's where we're headed. I fucking love you. This is where we're headed. Of course. They're way ahead of the curve. Yeah, but we're going, the younger people are getting there and then 20 years from now,

first of all, 20 years, people that are zero right now, when they're 20, they're going to be twitching and vibrating and all that kind of shit because of just staring at a screen forever and whatever, but they will not be with one,

just one person. They will be covered and come by many people. And they will be happier for it. They got these tits on a Monday. They got the person they go home with and go like, this bullshit lady bit my dick. And then they kiss each other and they go to bed. Right, you're my best friend.

You're my best friend. I'll see you at breakfast. You wouldn't let your lady fuck another guy? I don't think they're going to. No. No. No. See, I think all these kids are all riddled with anxiety and

stuff and social problems. And so like, I don't see them being confident enough to do this polyamory shit. And I also think that like, I don't know, I don't think that polyamory stuff works. Well, you know, cause it's, it's old, like either either the dude it's like the only two people really make that work and it's like a dude who's a cult leader or the hottest chick on earth and there's always a crazy power dynamic there's always one ugly person and one a hot woman you're saying the hot one is with an ugly guy and he just deals with it because she's so hot yeah or he's got money well he's a fucking loser. Also, a woman doesn't have to be hot

to suck a dick. They just walk outside. Also, why are you with somebody that's not like... Money. Truly for what? Why? What do you mean? If you're a lady who wants to... Needs money? Yeah. Yeah, she's a fucking loser. Your lady says to you, she's like,

what if she said like this? We can each, let's each sleep with one other person a year yeah in out are you really getting hung up on another man's dick i think it's pandora's box and it's not even a real door his box he's already hung up i think so he can't do it so that's a that's a there's no way you can do it. Neither could you. I could absolutely do this. I believe I could too. Yeah. I've paid a lot of tax. Yeah.

My girl goes to fucking, I don't know, Guatemala or some shit. She's like, look, I'm at this fucking bar. I'm going to be knocked around by a bartender. It's like,

all right, do your thing. Knocked around. I'm going to get 1920s fucked. There is no way. There is no way. There is no way. Here's the rule I would have. You would spaz. Who the fuck are you pretending you are?

Bermuda shorts. That's my dream. He's not going to spaz. Those are corduroy shorts. That's a ruse. That's an elaborate ruse. That color could be ruse. And sitting like a grandpa with one leg over the other.

That's all fake. Nah, dude. It's pure rage. Dude, dude. It's pure rage. The one rule I fought for this country. Dude, I don't know, man. What the hell are we doing? What are you asking? Who cares?

Yeah, who cares? Who gives a fuck? We're all going to be dead. Do you want to get to the end of your life? And you're like, oh, great. My lady didn't suck another dick. But also, what did I? I didn't fuck that.

Yeah, so you lived miserably forever. Yeah. You want another pair of tapes? And fucking took it out on your kids. What the hell are we doing? That's what you want. You want to relive your whole childhood? Yeah.

No, you don't. No, you don't. Yes. Yeah. Chris. Don't fuck. 86 men and their kids. Yeah, he does.

He does. Dude, if I'm on my deathbed and all I've done is just fucked and sucked my way to the grave. That's not all you've done. All you've done. Yeah. Good for you and i never made a commitment to anybody or try to make it a commitment to me it doesn't have to be a woman that's what i got it that's that's my last thought i committed to baby look at me i love you baby this is I'll fucking hold you tonight if you get a problem.

Seriously, though. Casper mattress. Let me ask you. You're making a commission. I got no family. You fucking better pay us, Casper. What is it? DraftKings? Yeah, DraftKings.

I lost $78 million. I got no family. I got nothing. I got Tommy on my desk. You have family. Sitting next to my deathbed. You even got a crucial guard. Sitting next to my deathbed.

He's like, come on, man. We had fun. You going to finish that vape that doesn't sound terrible I'm serious what do you guys have right here I'm not fucking with you you know what you could have

cause look you could have a lady who is great you know what you also could have a fucking now you're living outside of Schenectady you got a lady

that you can't fucking stand you got a house you can't afford you don't give a. You got a house you can't afford. You don't give a shit. I know. You got a basement. I know. You have one fucking room in it

with a bunch of bullshit Cubs decorations. I know. Who gives a fuck? Stay with Tommy. Fuck me, dude. I've been trying to fuck you for years. Fuck me tonight, dude. I know.

What if you, that's why I'm not in a relationship. Let me ask you this. What? It's so wild to me to find like an adult get jealous over something with a girlfriend. I've been in experiences where younger years, I'd be like, oh, you think that bartender's hot or whatever?

And then you get to this point where it's like, dude, everybody should be looking at someone. You're out of your fucking mind if you don't think. Dude. The person you're with isn't attracted to somebody else. Me and my girlfriend. You psychopath. We just had this conversation, and we have it all the time.

Because there's no, everybody, look. They're just like us. They're just like us. I know. They're just like us. I know. So, you know when you're like, man, I'd love to jam my face into that woman's ass. They're on like us. They're just like us. I know. They're just like us. I know. So you know when you're like, man, I'd love to jam my face into that woman's ass.

They're on the train going, I'd love that man to fucking- Choke fuck me. Choke fuck me in front of this fucking- Yes. Put my face on the fucking N symbol on the train. That's a sexual-

Fuck my head in the goddamn bars. Yes. Okay? So two people walk the earth just quelling these? Yeah. Right. For what? For what?

What fucking pride do you have? Once a year? Twice a year? Diplomacy. You and John Adams. Is that one of the... No, Sam, you'll add it to the beer. I was going to be like, is that one of the fucking...

Yeah, yeah. It's one of the guys. One of the boys. I always ask this question. Like, if your fucking tumor that you were saying grew so bad, you're on your deathbed at your age right now.

My baby. 37. My baby boy. Goes to sleep when I'm not ready. But if you were married and you're like, would you be okay knowing she's... No, I like that. Would you be okay? Speech!

Would you be okay? The bell tolls for thee. My John Adams impression. Here, here. Would you be okay, like, I'd be the first to be like, yo, get fucking railed tonight. Get banged up after the funeral. Get pounded out. Would you be okay with your wife

moving on and would that be part of your message yeah yeah i yeah once and once all right she came in with the guy yeah what if she was like yo see this guy's dick and it's like huge you can see it in the pants and he's he said i'd be like i should have stuck with tommy i'd let him go for this this is not what I wanted obviously that part's not gonna happen but yes you're gonna want at least it was funny if you're fucking

yeah but you're gonna want your goddamn lady to fucking if you like this lady yes because there's some people that die though and they go I hope you never yes meet a person

promise me you'll never talk to anyone because there's some people that die though and they go i hope you never yes meet a person promise me you'll never talk you'll never look at another person in the eyes again no i'm dead i don't exist on this earth like you don't even like what the fuck are we doing here yeah you're not like i'm not saying i'm not saying again you you took out the crucial part we both said you have one person yeah you they they have all the real stuff yeah Yeah. The other people, they're just like, you're just coming on them. What are you doing here? You're animals. We live in a world.

Every day you leave your house, you see the hottest person you've ever seen in your life. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Every day. I fall in love every day in New York. Every cock-sucking day. On the way here.

I'm not kidding you. I saw a girl. I was like, holy shit. I stopped at C--town to get a fucking banana yeah and mine almost came yeah some lady reaching for a fucking kombucha and you go what is that yes you don't have parents yeah you were made in a factory yeah for this right right i won't stop thinking about that woman for 48 hours and that until you the other one. Yeah. They don't, it just keeps, so again. Imagine denying that objectivity and going,

what are you looking at? Just to show, are you looking at her? Yes. Fucking yes, she's beautiful. So are you. You're also looking,

you also saw her. And that's okay. And you're probably angrier about it than I am. Yeah. Let's, the fact that when you hear somebody, and there's men out there too,

and there's a woman will also see because you've seen men where you're like shit look at this i say that first i'll be the first to compliment a guy yeah he's fucking hot as shit look at this fucking ass this guy's beautiful there was a guy the other day i saw he was sitting on on a on a hydrant he had a fucking like leather go bag this guy was on his way to where he had fucking long hair a blazer jacket pants too hot for any of this but i was looking at this guy me and a few people we were like this guy's six eight and he fucks that whole fucking bag there's nothing but condoms in there if we're talking about it there's no way women

aren't fucking crashing a city bike to see this but yes so why are we why are we because okay let's say you wind up in an intense, intense business negotiation and you sit down at the table and it just so happens the guy sitting down across from you has fucked your girl. It's going to change the outcome of the negotiation. You're saying? Wait, what? That you don't want your lady to fuck another guy?

Yes, he's got a psychological advantage. You might enter into a fucking car dealership with this fucking guy yeah and you're trying to negotiate against this guy

this is your chance this is your chance to show him why she sleeps with you at

night and not just gets off also you can go yo he's gonna

take me for everything 80 no then everyone's standing around me everyone

standing around me that once had respect for me is like that guy fucked your wife and you're like yeah we just do this thing where people come on her and it doesn't matter that doesn't it it doesn't matter right they're like yeah it matters these other i can't follow you into the fucking gates of hell dude the other wife's getting jizzed on by everyone we're fighting so what the other freaks that are locked in their head of like you think it's okay they're locked in their heads yeah they're still in this old fucking 1972 model of meet a lady in got at lunch yeah in in high school yes marry her at 19 buy a bullshit house you both hate

have jobs nobody likes nobody likes 100 buy cars you can't afford you know most people are fucking broke yeah yeah they got 90k they and they did it because of that oh what are people gonna think dude meet a lady you like have some sort of a conversation it's like we're gonna be fucking let's be gay guys can we just live like gay guys i wish every fucking day you know when an eyelash falls out of my fucking head that's the wish? every time I pick it up, wish I was gay no, don't wish to be gay simplify all this bullshit

wish for straight relationships to be gay to be gay I'm going to Margaritaville tonight I might see a lady can you imagine can I imagine? yes I can.

And here's what it's going to take. Here's what it's going to take when we're not, if we're not gay, I guess. Money. So, Tommy, get back into stand-up comedy. True. You're coming back. We make a couple million bucks. Then you can do whatever the fuck you want.

If you put food in the fridge. It's a beautiful dream. Guys. It's a beautiful dream. It is not possible. Draft Kings. Oh, yeah. Draft your wife. Draft your wife. get your wife out there drafter football season's upon us you want a stable of whores you're gonna

need to bet your way yeah do you don't you think that's gonna stop people from going to draft kings do you want a stable of whores yeah they're like no no that's what i'm saying oh hell yeah man this is an advertisement 30 bucks on the Eagles. Yes. You were saying it in a positive way. Yeah, yeah. You got to get some cash. I got to read this. Your job's not good. Oh, you can't just riff it?

The wait's over. I can riff it. But this is... Well, it's gambling, so they got... Go ahead. All right, look. They got specific stuff you got to say. Yeah, go ahead, man.

I apologize. They're selling an illicit product. I hear this. The Eagles season's starting. I grew up in a almost a loveless household because my father and mother couldn't afford three kids.

They had three kids accidentally. The first one was probably purposeful but it was forced marriage at a very young age due to archaic mentality. You had to get one at 23. If you were single at 25 back then, you're damaged.

Something's wrong with you. So you marry somebody that you're not comfortable with. You have your first child to make a sense of normalcy around your front yard that you can't fucking afford. You build debt.

You take a job you don't want. Dude, 100%. You go out and get debt. What are you, not in debt? you take a job you don't want you don't fucking want to wake up for so every day you wake up to get your kids ready for school that you can't afford as well you're envious of their future

because you made the wrong decisions at an age that they hopefully will be smart enough to not make your youngest kid gets old enough to not make. Your youngest kid gets old enough to drop off the tit. The wife doesn't want to fuck you. So she wants another kid. Because she wants unconditional love from another baby.

Drop off the tit, yeah. That means you're not paying for the baby. They're too heavy. Oh, I thought you meant you're not paying for them anymore. No. That is some fucking dad left you fucking energy dude i truly believe this is why we had my mother had a third kid they say it's accidental but you just want an unconditional love of another child suckling her because you just see she felt something for a while because they fell out of love early life's hard and you want to make it

harder by not fucking people what you want to make life harder i'm saying fuck all you want fuck all you want i'm free love baby i'm just saying life is so hard i'm just i'm just saying don't think that your fuck everyone situation doesn't have its downsides there are are consequences. Life has downsides. Life is fucking. Life is a goddamn. Life is a highway. I'm going to ride it all night. I'm going to ride it all night long. Who is that?

Tom Cochran? Tom Cochran. Is it? I believe so. That's who sings? Let me look it up because that's Canada's own. Continue on. I apologize, man. No, no, you're good. You're good. I had an ending to that.

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Really? That's very impressive. Yeah. Literally, if you put that in, I wouldn't guess that ever. I went to Canada for college.

Didn't you grow up in Canada? Yes. Well, then what are you talking about? I was kidding. I was just kidding. That's the whole stupid. I'm sorry. No, no, it's okay.

I'm sorry. I'm locked into an ad. I'm sorry. No, that's okay. I'm sorry. I'm locked into an ad. I know. I keep fucking up the ad, and I'm sorry. Very Canadian. Oh, that was the first, yeah. One more action. Bet on any NFL team of your choice,

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That's code STUFFISLAND, all one word, only at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner in the NFL, minimum age, and eligibility restrictions apply. And you'll see the notes in the show. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well. We did that.

Yeah, man. You can gamble. Call your parents. That was literally like the the opening to lucky number 11 what you just did really yeah yeah the guy's like he's like he's like struggling he like has a kid he has got a wife yeah and uh he gets like a a line on a horse dude here's the thing and then he bets it and the mob shoots him in the head it's literally the opening to 300 million people in this country yes yes and canada like dude the western world beat us down for so long yeah you know how many people i meet actually

it's it's it's getting louder because i talk you on stage, I'm like, I don't know if I'm going to have kids and whatever. And I've had people now be like, I would not do it again. They're like, I love my kids. Yeah. But if I could go back, I would not do this again. Really? I talked to a fucking seven-year-old woman the other day who was like, when I was coming up, that's what was told to me. This, this, this, and this.

She goes, if I could go back, I love my son. I like my grandson. She loves her grandson, whatever. But she goes, if I could go back, I love my son. I like my grandson. She loves her grandson, whatever. But she goes, I would never get married. I wouldn't have kids. So there's some people from the few. It's like Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey's like, I hope everybody gets rich and famous

so they'll know what's not the answer. There are some people out there that are like, hey, guess what? Marriage and kids are not the answer. But then there's some people that are like, but I want to go to Costco. Yeah. Well, what am I going to do on a Sunday if I don't fucking drag some bag of shit to the ocean?

Yeah. And then they go, wait a minute. I didn't, I don't want, you mean I could just get, you mean I could just get, you mean I could get and afford a cappuccino? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Yeah. I just afford a cappuccino?

Yeah. Or a trip to Sicily. Man. Yeah. The amount of money. Dude, when you see your parents shift from adoration from one another to adoration to their kids to like the fucking winter of their years and understand that they're only happy with grandchildren because then they can be the parent they want it to be for you i watched my father from overrun underpaid

incredible superman of a of a person but like just a thousand miles an hour in every direction could never settle down so for that reason he didn't know how to develop an emotional existence with his children in a way where he couldn't talk to me about certain things we had this conversation last night about college yeah never once did my parents sit down on my fucking bed and say what do you want to do who do you want to be there was no intimate relationship because they were running on fucking empty all day long because of this same fucking mentality that's bred into them if you want a child that's great yes let's talk about you don't even have to get into the the dynamics of having a family

same thing goes for going to college buying a house all the facades that are being fed to us for fucking generations is gone yes by the wayside yeah you don't have to go to college to be successful no you know You can show your fat weird tits on TikTok and fucking make a lot of fucking money. You could be a child soldier. Break out of the Congo. Yeah. Get a phone.

You're fucking hosting the MTV Awards. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? It's true. It's done. It's done. Done. It's a difficult transition. He's old-timers.ers my wife looks at this guy one more fucking time I'm gonna dislocate a knuckle

on his fucking hand classic rock fixing nothing a bunch of tools that do dick and then also looking out the window at another cocksucker and being like oh that family looks happy. And guess what?

They're not happy. It's dance. I love it. I'll let you finish. This whole thing is so, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. What do you mean? The idea that you're not an insanely jealous person. No, I'm not.

Oh, please. But anyway, you got to have kids. Why? Because you need someone to defend you in the future. That's one of the craziest things I've ever heard. I get it, actually. Hold on. Nathan is just now meeting Chris for the first time.

Yeah, buddy. But I get it. Unwind this boy. When you start to get old. No, I get it. It's the fucking Serengeti, dude. It's like sea turtles. Yeah, but isn't it great, though?

Like, thinking about being alone in the desert. No. You're alone right now. There's fucking lions and hyenas. You are alone right now. Chris, you're training. Yeah, but I got... You're training for...

No, because the mind starts to go. Who gives a shit? The mind doesn't have to go, dude. Oh, it doesn't. Who gives a shit? It doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't. I'm telling you, it doesn't. The mind starts to go.

Also, who gives a shit? It doesn't have to go. It doesn't have to go. It's biological. What are you going to do? Go to a... People come after you. are you going to do? Go to a... People come after you. Who's going to come after you?

Everyone. As an old man. Look, the mob has always wanted a piece. Who's coming after you? They know how strong you are. They know how many guns you have on you. No, the mob... They wait until you're 70,

eating soup, bam, right to the back of the head. Now, what a great way to go out. The mob's dead because... The mob's dead because the mob's city-banned. Tomato, muzzle-gold, blood. Tomato, muzzle gold, blood. No, no, no, no. I'd go Greek with orzo.

Lemon, lemon, lemon soup. Good soup to die in. A lemon could kind of like clean your fucking bullet hole. Do you know what I mean? The citrus. The citrus would clean your head. A nice tart mouth making a fucking lead bullet. Who's going to make that soup for you?

Me! That's why I'm training now! Mike's Diner! What a goddamn diner! No, you don't have any money because someone pitched you a reverse mortgage and you're too stupid.

You have no wits about you, but you still signed the paper. They're not around anymore. There's a whole lot. We all live in tubes. We live in tubes in the woods. That's why you rent. This is why you don't get a mortgage.

Rent your wife. Rent your house. Rent your friends. You don't own anything. Fuck everybody. You don't own anything. You don't own anything. You don't even own yourself, dude.

You don't, dude. Lemon orzo soup. I got to piss. What? Is that on camera? Is it on camera? It's a double slap. Am I? Is this done?

Oh shit, okay, good.