Stuff Island - Stuff Island #48 - leaf peepers w/ Ryan Donahue

Episode Date: October 5, 2022

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I don't like a cold wet. Yeah, cold wet. I'd rather have freezing snow. Yeah. 20 degrees snow than 50 degree rain. Yeah, dry. Easily. Dry cold.

Yeah. Or wet hot. But that's what we're entering into. That is the worst part of climate change. You wanna... Yeah, you can nestle up. Yeah, yeah. You wanna make some cocoa?

I can make you some cocoa. This is good, dude. Yeah. I forgot to ask you whether you wanted that water hot or cold. I also forgot to ask you how your grading kids are doing. Fucking nano. Nice, dude. It is nice, though.

It is a nice change, you know? I sweat for five months straight. Yeah. I got fucking beads rolling down my forehead. So this is, I'll take this. And this is a good entry into fall because it was just like four or five just rainy kind of. Yeah. Just a hurricane that a lot of people lost their lives down south, but nobody got affected up here.

Yeah. You got to kill some down there, man. We got to even it out. Yeah. Is that Louis C.K.? That is. Yeah. Really?

Yeah. I couldn't tell if it was him or the guy that said Hi-Ho Silver and Rudolph the Red-Nosed. Bonanza? Oh. You know what I'm talking about? John Silver's or whatever his fucking name is. Wait, wait, wait. Did they say Hi-Ho Silver?

Oh, is this the Claymation one? Yes. Yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. What, is there a live action Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? There has to be, yeah. I think it's Claymation. Yeah.

There has to be a live action one. There has to be. Somebody had to cash in on that gold mine. There has to be a live action movie. There has to be. There's too much money to be made. Someone taped a fucking red light to a deer, dude. There's a deer that lost. Someone shot a deer's nose off and they replaced it with a light bulb for sure.

I'm going to be warm in no time, man. You have to figure it out, dude. You drove here. I did, yeah. From where? Cafe Grumpy. time man and then you're gonna sweat figure it out dude this is you drove here i did yeah from where uh cafe grumpy it'll let you in new york yeah in uh greenpoint why don't you just take a train a greenpoint's a nightmare to get here that's over you gotta go in and then you gotta take the fucking the g right oh yeah yeah on the train yeah i don't do once the pandemic kids no i

was like i'm gonna fucking uh dude riding the train. Yeah, I don't do... Once the pandemic hit, no, I was like, I'm going to fucking be a car guy. Oh, dude, riding the train during the pandemic was glorious. I could have been... Driving during the pandemic was glorious. Everyone was gone. All the Connecticut people left. They went on their boats

and they didn't die. Dude. And now they're here. I was going to the soul of death. I was going to Times Square to do my podcast every Wednesday. Oh, yeah, dude, yeah. I went a couple times with you.

I was fucking working on my dance moves moves and shit trying to emulate those kids to make the kids like doing the flip off the bar i had the whole fucking train you took over showtime glorious yeah i took the head the headphones out played played my music on my lap on my i was djing my own dance i had a desktop computer in there i had my bed in there bro i just lived on the train. Imagine if I was just like this and like another comic book. I'm like, oh shit.

What's up, guys? There's nothing. Just bugging the fuck out. Dude, don't say anything to anyone, please. Oh, that's how it reminds me of Lenny in The Simpsons where he goes into a foreclosed house and Lenny's just there in his underwear like, please don't tell anyone how I live.

The best line. It would be sick to have spent just some quality time on the train over the pandemic. Yeah, it was fun. Find the right train with nobody on it and just ride it back and forth. Rig it up, put some Christmas lights in there. Oh, design your own train. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty cool.

And just, yeah. Have you ever been stuck on the train on like psychedelics? No. Dude. I don't, I think only Molly coming back from like a 4th of July party.

I was on acid. That's very easy. The first time I ever took acid, I like took the train. I didn't think about it, but like the, just the sounds, like the shrilling of like the.

So you took acid and didn't think about what's the worst place I could be locked in. Right. And then it was like the just the sounds like the shrilling of like they so you took acid and didn't think about what's the worst place i could be locked in right yeah and then it was like the train didn't was stuck and then we had to take a shuttle bus and then like by the time we finally got to my cousin's place she's like oh by the way my snake's loose and i was like oh all right of course it is cool yeah it's like did you really just say that? What am I imagining? Oh, sorry. I spilled my spider cap. Dude, that's like a safe word when you're fucking a stranger.

It's like snakes. I'll stop choking the shit out of you. Yeah, dude. That's literally like watching like Koyaanisqatsi or one of those movies. Have you ever seen those? Oh, fuck. I know that song. I used to listen to that song all the time. There's a song Koyaanisqatsi? Yeah, those movies. Have you ever seen those? Oh, fuck. I know that song. I used to listen to that song all the time.

There's a song Koyaanisqatsi? Yes, the theme song. It's Philip Glass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Koyaanisqatsi. Have you ever seen that? No. It's just like a documentary

where I've just like things around the world like sped up. So it's like a mountain valley and just clouds like ripping into it and ripping out and then like people in Japan

getting on and off the subway. Yeah, except it's likeentine's day there's like a pregnant lady with a balloon that's really all yeah yeah it's just someone made a movie to make you feel sad that's how i imagine being on the subway in acid on acid is like just there's too many lives to deal with at first it was funny and then i was just, it was just the sounds of the fucking, and you started to be aware of like, this is rickety as fuck. It was built. It's been raining for years.

All these people, everyone's poor. No one's happy. And yeah, just like really sunk in there. And by the time the snake was loose, of course it was. One out of five train rides,

I think about the speed with which the train is going like if i catch an express train by chance yeah i'm like this this conductor is fucking pedal to the metal right now it's got nothing to lose he's high way too fast and he's high take a turn got it yeah what goes through my head i'm like we're gonna barrel through the foundation in between the three tracks so you're getting the express train in the middle he smashes through one of these on a turn. I would be more scared of a train conductor who is sober, you know? Yeah.

If you're willing to sit there and be like, yeah, no, this is... I'm content. I'm like, where are the bodies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're just looking down a dark tube. Forever. For the whole day. Which, I mean, are we all?

No. The snakes are loose it's occurred to me that this has started i think yeah yeah that's pretty sneaky yeah we are we don't yeah we don't we don't know how to start a podcast yeah there's no like hey doing an intro we tried once maybe no i don't think we ever. I think we've tried as a bit to start it. I think because anytime we've ever actually tried to do like an intro thing, it goes right into the ditch. There's like a 30 second silence afterwards

because it's so unsettling. It's disgusting. It makes you feel dirty. It's like slating for an audition where you have to say your name and your height and who you're repped by. Yeah, that shit is gross. Without going, ugh.

I know. And you have to look cute when you do it, too. And actors are used to doing that shit without shame. Oh, man. We were doing it. And then you get a sweaty comic that's hung over from a drug-induced coma for 12 hours. He doesn't know the lines. He's completely unprepared.

He has to do an English accent. I swear you never feel exactly like my worst mom a whole time. Truly, when you're watching those tapes, when you're watching and you're the one deciding if the people are going to be, you feel like God. I know. Because it's just a bunch of people. We did one on pause where it was just a bunch of old people and we were asking them to say the N word.

And it's just like old white ladies just being like and like they were nailing it. One lady, she leaned in so hard and just said it. It was like, you got the job. You know, it was just stand up. But like, it's just crazy.

She pulled a calf muscle saying it so hard. I would never audition for that. Imagine not getting it and now you just know people have that tape Yeah, just like fucking leaning. Yes Just Yeah, I like the idea of her just in her bathroom for the previous week. Saying, trying it different ways. Yeah, yeah. And being like, I'm not going to get this.

I haven't said it in 20 years. I don't know how I'm going to land this role. It is the one good thing about like, I said this, I think before, but like auditioning for like, say three to five pages of dialogue where you have like a lot to go through. I would, cause I'd be so embarrassed to do it in, in the house. I'd grab like a recorder or do it, my voice memo where I'd say like the other person's lines pause while like lip read mine with no audio and then record the pacing and then

put my headphones in and walk outside and act like i'm talking to someone and there's no fucking space you could you could find uh an alleyway in the middle of nowhere in the industrial section of a long island city someone's going to jump out of the window within like three seconds you get zero time to yourself yes on the streets in new york rats just there each other. There's fucking something. Something's going to happen where it just interrupts your flow of like learning the dialogue.

Yeah. So you just have to commit to being a lunatic like everybody else is. Just have a headphone and they're like, all right, he's on the phone. He's getting angry about a 7-Eleven worker for some fucking reason on the phone. Yeah, yeah. You can be whoever you want out there. It is genius. It's hiding in plain sight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of here where I'm echoing through a fucking a thin wall to a neighbor going you know did you get that part pal i remember the part yeah i had people chained in my basement yeah my friends were over for the weekend jesus where are you from again uh rhode island oh yeah where in Rhode Island? What the fuck? That's crazy. Yeah, no, it's Foster Gloucester is the name of the town that I'm from. It's truly just the woods between Connecticut and like the suburbs. Yeah.

But they named it and they combined two towns to make enough kids for a school. And like the whole thing in our town was like no school, Foster Gloucester, because like they couldn't pave the roads in time because everybody lives so far from everybody else. So it was just like mile long driveways to shacks that have more guns than couches. You know, it's just like they're literally paying more money to defend the shack than what the shack is worth. You seem like a normal dude. I've never met a dude from Rhode Island.

Took a lot of work, man. I was raised feral. Like, didn't do have you seen I just saw overboard for the first time that 80s all the kids that was my dad's house yeah it was truly just like except there were like less kids so it was like somehow not as not as much camaraderie but truly just fucking like I have 12 year old brothers they have the same sheets that i had when i was 10 so it's like there's just no the same mattress we're just recycling toys yeah you know the sheets are holding up i doubt it yeah it's just like half the baseball teams on them probably don't even exist anymore it's just old super bowl t-shirts it's old bar coasters the fucking basement has the bar

of the local like the local bar my dad used to drink at when they closed down my dad like got the pool table cause I guess he was there so much

like the way they gave Ernest Hemingway the urinal at the bar he used to drink at so I just grew up playing fucking pool in his basement

you know stripes and solids and I have a theory that if you're good at pool you're depressed i can't prove it but i do think a hundred percent yeah it's either you've gotten into it late in life because you have terrible habits or you got into it early in life because you had nothing to do it requires such a level of isolated time to be good at it yeah it's an immediate it's like bowling like i have a friend we're cleaning a gun yeah time i'm down there like a fucking full metal jacket my father got a we we had zero money and he

finally like you knew someone that was getting rid of a a good uh pool table yeah and they had to crack the marble to get it down our backyard steps that's how you know it's good yeah six hundred dollars or six hundred pounds it's like very fucking was it slate or marble sorry slate so they snap it and then they have to like it's this was his baby dude then this was so it's not just about like how much time you have it's like how miserable are you you know like he could just disappear and like work on angles with a cue ball and one ball but it takes so many fucking hours yeah to be good at pool right that you you you have to hate your family your life or be depressed beyond belief yeah there was a uh there was a boom box down there and it only played one cd for whatever reason like there's the only

scene that worked you tried to put in another one it just wouldn't play it just would not play like it was just it was like and you couldn't skip a track because it would just ruin everything so we just had that one

and it was a Neil Young CD and I listened to that all the time which I now contend is should not be allowed children should not be able to listen to it it's like Bob Dylan

like stop it you shouldn't be howling into a fucking coffee cup a learning pool oh god yeah just a fucking old heroin addict telling you his secrets. Yeah.

While you don't hit the ball low enough to bring it back out of the scratch. It's like, I gotta go outside, dude. Yeah, once the eight drops, you're like, I guess I'll rack again. I don't know. I go down there. My dad be smoking Winston after Winston with like a windowless brick exposed because the walls were destroyed from me and my brothers playing football down there. So it's just all exposed moldy brick with like cobwebs, no windows.

You see this smoke. It's actually, now that I think about it, it's pretty fucking sick. It was pretty nice. What do you think your dad was thinking about? I think it was a Scorsese movie. It was a really nice scene in a movie. You know what I mean? Yeah. But very sad for reality I mean? Yeah, that's-

But very sad for reality. Right. Yeah, that's usually the case. Yeah. What do you think he was thinking about while he was down there? Not killing his wife and kids, probably. Kind of like disposed of them correctly. Dude, in my dad's basement, there was just one box, a cardboard box on the shelf, and

it just said, wedding shit. Oh my God. Yeah yeah that's like uh there's no pictures it's just a pile of dump he's like that's all right on my big day oh please tell me you have a photograph of that oh for sure that should be in like the smithsonian dad of guns guy um no he was like uh well actually yeah we had guns but it was not he was he didn't even have any like my grandpa was more of the shotgun guy my dad just got us like bb guns and shit like that yeah he was a fisherman my dad and grandpa were semi-professional catch and release tournament fishermen oh sick which i think just means uh they loved cocaine but he fucking entered tournaments and shit and uh i didn't realize cocaine was ripping through the Bassmasters.

Dude, I don't, for whatever- Get me a ride, dude. For whatever reason, he just loved to ice fish and do coke. Like, that sounds so stressful to me. You're just waiting for something to happen, like fucking wired up, but that was his whole vibe. Also, the ice fishing thing, aren't you supposed to be quiet

because they can reverberate through the ice? Yeah, yeah, probably, but anyway. I don't know. You've got to talk to someone when you're all ripped up. But think about how good it was. Oh, I caught a fish. You know, you caught a fucking fish. Also, there's a lot of,

I don't know if you know this, there's a lot of, like, dishonesty in the catch and release tournament world. Like, you see the shit that was just going around? They put weights inside the fish.

Yeah, they were putting lead weights inside of the fish they were catching to make them weigh more and fucking win like hundreds of thousands they also put another bait fish inside of the bigger fish yeah like they would just stuff them and they've been doing this for years and they finally got caught like they just cut their fish open and like there were like eight pounds of legs in the fish what the fuck dude it's like the saddest hustle i've ever heard dude everyone's getting caught for cheating.

Do you see that chess guy? Yeah. You know the chess one. Brilliant. You go ahead. How do you cheat chess? The story that I heard is that he had a butt plug. I thought it was a vibrating cock ring.

Oh, really? Yeah. One's greater than the other. So let's figure out what this guy's about. Let's go with both. He had something on his dick or in his ass vibrating to like let him know what moves to make from another dude yes so some guy would be watching it yes you know how they have that like app yeah you can uh or it's like casino how that dude got caught for the zap the thing that would knock on the knocker on his

leg actually the ass makes more sense because you can't see it in my ass. Yeah, but you add some more sensitive. I don't know. I do. If you hummed on my bird

for a certain number, I'm sorry. I'd be like, if I hummed on your bird. It's a fucking Johnny Cash song, right? No, it's actually Bob Dylan.

If you hummed on my bird. It's my dad in the Bob Dylan If you hummed on my bird This is my dad in the basement like you hummed on my bird No if you put a vibrating you know plug in your ass I would imagine the sensation going around your cheerio would be different than the

callous you have on your bird from beating off for 35 Right everyone's bird is calloused we all know that It would be different than the callous you have when your bird from beaten off for 35 years. Right, everyone's bird is calloused. We all know that. Almost to a certain extent, sure. But I mean, come on, don't you think you're less likely to come with a cock ring than a butt plug vibrating? Apparently, there's a lot of unhidden gems in there.

I'd be afraid that like I'd start coming during the jismat. Yeah, I don't know how you'd concentrate on chess with like a vibrating thing in your wrist. Like, man, this guy loves chess. They just think you're drunk because every move you're like... You know how you concentrate on chess with like a vibrating thing in your wrist? Like, man, this guy loves chess. They just think you're drunk because every move you're like... Oh, that was a really good move. I love that move. I love when you made that move.

He's just constantly being like, no, I got it. I got it. I got it. He's trying to recreate that move because that was the best sensation. That might fuck him up sexually for life. He's like, queen to rook three. Oh, I'm going to cheat. I can't

so how did they catch him how'd they catch him the combo's all over the table uh no I think they were suspecting it for a while and then they just got greedy and lazy

and they put too many uh weights oh wait the ass guy oh I'm sorry I don't even know how they caught him that's a good question

I don't think he technically got caught like they've just been so there's a like the best chess player or Magnus Carlsen like the best chess player in the world like lost a game to him and got up and was like i'm not playing anymore yeah and the other weird thing was that whenever they'd ask him about kind of

like crazy moves that he pulled like the guy that they suspect had the butt plug in he would he's like i'm just feeling it out there it just came to me yeah no he he apparently would just be like i'm just letting the chest speak for itself like he would be like really non-committal like a fucking impressionist painter yeah yeah so it's like people were very suspicious what i do is art it's up for interpretation yeah yeah yeah you tell me man yeah you tell me what you think i put in the fish dude and then other things that i've been reading about it now, because I'm kind of infatuated, and like guys will catch fish like weeks ahead of a tournament, put them in a cage in a specific part of a pond, and then just like pull it up when they're like

alone on the water and put it in their live well during the tournament. So they have to go down there and hook it, though. Yeah, they hook it, they catch it, they put it in like a lobster trap, and then they have like a marker. Yeah, exactly. Oh. And then they'll fucking pull it up, and so it in like a lobster trap, and then they have like a marker. Yeah, exactly. Oh. And then they'll fucking pull it up, and so it's like all this nasty, weird bullshit going on. Holy shit.

So do they keep the fish alive within the cage, obviously? Yeah, yeah. You can't even, I don't think you can, I don't know what it is with other fish. They did, my parents did catch and release with largemouth bass, so those you have to keep alive. But I can't imagine you can keep a fish alive for long if it has a fucking weight in it, you know? Well, do they stuff them

after they catch them? Yeah. And so on their way into the weighing station, they just start jamming ball weights in their... In their ass, I think. Oh, fuck.

Yeah. And so finally, they were like, there's no way this... And then they vibrate and the fish went in that chest. Look, my plunkum's flying out of a bed.

The guy's got a chest piece in his asshole vibrating. So, hold on. Is this all visual? So they see like, let's say, a 10-inch bass. Yeah, yeah. If you're an avid fisherman, you know a 10-inch bass should only weigh roughly from this pound to that pound. Yeah, exactly, yeah. So then they put it on the hook and they're like, what the fuck?

Yeah, but I think they were doing it just enough where it's like adding a pound on each fish, whatever it is to give them an edge. But then this last one, they were just like, let's just stuff its ass

with like 10 fucking pounds. Yeah. They were literally like eight pounds overweight. And so it was like five fish that weighed like 33 pounds. And they're like, this just can't be the thing

that's happening right now. So they sliced one open and everything fell out. And then, dude, the fucking rage coming from these fish. Did they fish fight? I would imagine some of these guys are like bruisers.

Psychos, yeah. No, yeah, they all have to be. Yeah, they're all on coke. Yeah, they're like convicts and shit, I think. I don't know. No, I'm fucking around. But my dad used to tell me stories. He's like, yeah, man, my buddy John, man, he had one eye.

And I think he went to prison for molesting somebody. But the guy could fish. I mean, the guy, he could really throw a line. There are some more important things in life. Yeah, yeah. You got to separate the art from the artist. Awesome. Yeah.

Dude, I mean, like double knot in a fishing line. He's good with his fingers. Oh, yeah. It is fun going, like a rabbit hole YouTube videos of dudes just tying different knots. Oh, sure. They're so sick. Yeah. I did see a cool video of the tie in a sailor's knot on both ends of a pant so that you can adjust.

So you just pull it out. It's like a self-adjusting without tying. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm into it. Yeah. Getting into knots. It's up there with pool as far as depressing. For sure. Lives. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I'm into it. Yeah, getting into knots. It's up there with pool

as far as depressing lives. For sure. Yeah. Yeah, I grew up, so as a result of that, that was mostly what I did. I would grow up, I would fish,

I would just spend most of the day on the pond there, you know, catching bullfrog. You know, a bullfrog will eat anything that's red. You know that?

What? Anything that's red. A bullfrog. A bullfrog. A rag, a fucking worm. You don't need a hook or nothing. You can just like, it'll just eat it and then you just reel it in. Yeah, it holds it in its mouth and won't let go.

What do you do with a bullfrog? You catch it, put it in a bucket, look at it, let it go. Wait, you don't eat the legs? It's just a day. What kind of frog is frog's legs? Bullfrogs, I think. Yeah, big bullfrogs. Thick legs?

Yeah. Wait, so you go to school at all? Yeah, I would go to school, yeah. Yeah. Like whenrogs, I think. Yeah, big bullfrogs. Thick legs. Yeah. Wait, did you go to school at all? Yeah, I would go to school, yeah. Yeah. Like when it wasn't snowing. Dude, was that just you of your own volition went to school? Or did your parents even give a shit that you went to school? No.

Well, I live with my dad and stepmom. They would have found out if I didn't go to school. So, yeah. It was like lax as found out if I didn't go to school. But I, so yeah, it was like lax as fuck, but I wanted to go to school. It was like weirdly a rebellious thing because like I looked at what happened when you didn't go to school and I was like, I'm going to study. Well, I imagine that's like the only time

to see other people in Rhode Island. Yeah, exactly. At least in Foster Gloucester. Yeah, mostly. Yeah, dude. Everyone's just lives on the other side of the woods yeah that's actually the name of the foster cluster i'm sorry to put enough time in this i thought you were fucking around no why would i fuck around that's crazy yeah no it's called foster cluster because

they wanted to bring more children into it no one town is foster but one town is gloucester but they each of them never really made it as a town, so they combined the towns. Oh, okay. You know, technically they're separate towns, but like Foster is, I mean, there's like a burned down pizza place and like... Yeah. Six people still living for pies inside. Yeah. It's truly, I was showing him a picture from the,

it's just plywood exposed in the bar with a guy that says like, a hat would like make logging great again. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah, but it's awesome i fucking love it yeah but it's a nice place for a weekend i imagine oh weekend honey stay for 50 years a bed and breakfast and also like you know learning how to survive in the wilderness

yeah i mean knife skills yeah there's a lot of how to be a man i should go there to learn how to be a man for a week it's also such an interesting woods to be lost in. Well, it's all, yeah. Because it's really a small woods. Exactly. Yeah, but what's weird is Rhode Island, at least when- It's like when you see deer in like a patch of woods that's like between a highway and a school. Yeah, you're like, get out of here.

How are they living in that? Get out of here. I mean, but Rhode Island too is so small. It's opening a map like- The idea of a 20 minute drive, like related to everything else. It's like actually a long way to go. You know what I mean? Like people like won't drive like 30 minutes.

Cause they're like, ugh. But it's like, cause it's to scale. That would be like us driving upstate or something. Yeah. Yeah. It's like five hours. Yeah. Yeah.

But they're just, so it's all just, everyone just kind of hangs. What's the hottest girl in the Rhode Island that you've ever seen? Well, Taylor Swift has a house in Newport. Well, she's not from there. We saw that. And we did see it. It's a fucking, it's huge. Also, I never went to Newport until there was a comedy festival there.

I just knew my mom tried to get boyfriends from there. Yeah, good moves. She would go to Newport and find like an old lawyer. One of them was called, we called him Dusty Nuts. And she dated him for a while and then, you know, it didn an old lawyer. Yeah. One of them was called, we called them Dusty Nuts. And she dated him for a while. And then, you know, it didn't work out or whatever. Old Dusty Nuts from Foster Cluster. She was trying to secure the bag, dude.

Yeah, she was trying to secure the bag. That's a smart move. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, she was single from when I was three on. So I met all these weird guys. Newport dudes. Yeah. Some Newport guys.

You know, they wore weird shorts and sat with their legs crossed it was just yeah you know what i mean i'll secure that bag dude we've been doing real good i'll take you rock fishing oh man i can't imagine if I was 13. Actually, if I was 13 and you were fucking my mom and I came home and met you, I'd be like, all right. Yeah, dude. I'd have you tossing a pigskin in the backyard within fucking 10 minutes.

And then when you were gone, I'd be like, oh, I really thought he'd stay. You'd fall in love with me and I'd fall out of love with your mom and that would be it. Yeah. Maybe I'd call you. Back to the bullfrogs. Yeah, back to the bullfrogs. Back to the bullfrogs. Yeah, back to the bullfrogs. Back to the bullfrogs. The only time he goes bullfrog fishing is when his mom's not fishing or something.

Well, did you have any bad scenarios with like boyfriends? Anything happen that was like, any fights? No, not really. My dad was mostly that dude in the life of my mom. Yeah. He was definitely, he was definitely he was just like a fucking wild man yeah yeah he just like like i would just get dropped off and they would have words and then he'd like throw rocks at her car and be like you know and i'm

like i'm here for the weekend yeah uh were they together for you said three years she was like peeling out my god he's athletes he meant that shit yeah you're so funny dude dude and then she's like I got some ideas for the weekend coming up there's just like rocks fucking Subaru she was always trying to go you know and he was pissed because he couldn't like afford to go anywhere ever so it was he took it personally that she was going trying to enjoy her life as a single woman because he immediately remarried to another lady and like uh had kids with her and then like needed to he was constantly building an addition on the house

as he had more kids like so it was like we need a new room because there's another kid so it's just and he would run out of money in the middle of those things so i just grew up on like a construction site essentially oh shit you just sold us in those locks just yeah like such a giant mound of dirt that we'd play on and it just became it grew weeds because it never moved and it just became a big hill yeah and then for kids yo i had a black you don't fucking know yeah it's only like now that i'm like 30 i'm like oh my god yeah like you were i was that's how old he was when he was throwing rocks i'm like yeah i thought this is how adults did adult shit yes dude yeah i was like

oh this is cool yeah he didn't even throw it at i always think it back on like uh we've spoken about this a little bit but like how aggressive my father was and like he would come home like just some days like i had fucking enough dude and he was like 28 with three kids yeah yeah yeah he's he hasn't even worked out a full-time job job he's gotta coach us in sports he's still got bruises from his dad hitting him yeah we're not even healed yet yeah he's gotta give him the odds yeah so you get it after a while you're like oh shit dude you hit 35 you're like whoa how old was steve how was brian i had five impossibly young yeah with way too many kids i mean i truly think it's like uh the idea that that was ever socially normal is like truly just keeping poor people poor i know like i don't think

there's any other reason for it yeah like hurry up oh you're 12 have a kid yeah so you just can't do anything and we just keep all the money in connecticut and also then then the poor people get so fucked up to to get away from their own misery that then just they don't know what to do with their built up aggression. They're just like, I'm going to get fucked up. And then their wife comes home and I'm like, well, I got to come. And then they're just so drunk they can't pull out. Then they have another kid. Dude.

Big cycle of aggression, getting drunk. I thought you were going to say they moved to Brooklyn and be cunts to people. They ain't got that money. They got a building. to people they ain't got that money they're gonna build an edition they're i think my least favorite guy is like the microaggressive like artist you know what i mean yeah like someone who's like trying like i don't mind if you like build fucking bridges and then you come home and hit your kid it's like okay you know yeah there's a there's some cross yes yeah you're working in the mines i guess yeah yeah so someone's gonna catch a piece of coal once in a while but like if you're like acting like you like jazz and then if someone

like doesn't you call this dinner you know you're just like you're losing it but you're an artist like i hate that guy like a hippie who like is a is a psycho like i that whole hiding behind what you actually are i'd rather someone bullied by a hippie as a kid like your mom dated a hippie right and then he's like and he like is aggressive yeah oh my god you're such a bitch when you're that guy you know like i'd even i feel the same way about racists honestly and i guarantee you black people would agree it's like if you're gonna be a racist be like a triscuits in your boots fucking racist so i at least know what time it is. Yeah. Instead of like, I love everyone and I'm so sorry about that. You know, it's like, I, now I have to, now I feel weird.

Yes. You know? Yeah. And I have to do math because you're a bitch. Yeah. Yes, dude. That sucks. Yeah.

Yeah. That's, that's what I think most of like van life is. Van life? Van, you know, those van life people. Like people who live in vans? Yeah. Yeah. There's people that are choosing

to be homeless yeah they're choosing to be homeless and i also think that they are like they're yeah they're racist fucked up people but they like and they're violent and mean that guy like killed that chick yeah yeah but i think they like they disappear into crystals and vans yes like 100 yeah cope with it it's a perfect place to you know it's a different it's a different costume every single day whatever their challenges to to make way whether it's gasoline money for what a tire fix whatever's in the way they're going to assimilate to be that that person you know i mean you meet some dude at the festival then you meet some fucking hillbilly to barb, like, yeah, I hate black people too, dude.

Buy me a Miller Lite, will you? Yeah. Can you help me with my carburetor? Yeah, yeah, whatever it is. They're chameleons. They're trash bags. Yeah. That's why you gotta slash all those tires.

You see a fucking, a small bed, you see a small bed in a van, all the tires gotta go out. Yeah. Keep them down. I think you just gave them a home. Yeah, but somebody's gonna move it yeah yeah right you can't pay to get it towed that is the most violent way to turn a house into a home absolutely yeah i had family like that though it's as far as like constantly building

shit like i had i had family that would like they were like a carpentry hobbyists but they were that's great yeah but you're living in how bad you are yes you're you're living in someone constantly quitting on their hobby you know what i mean yeah because they would like they would tear out a bunch of drywall and gut like the kitchen right and then quit so it's like if i don't just lived yeah yeah that's truly what the fuck yes that's exactly right well unless it's your trade and you're getting paid for that trade you don't know how much work it's going to take to do that thing you know oh so like if i looked at this one room like all right we're gonna fucking gut it i'll paint it i'll put some shelves in you'll get a

new couch and then after you do the first thing, you're like, Jesus Christ, dude. How much did I spend on the paint? Right. And I got to, I got to, the shelves? That was more my dad's hang up. He's capable and he can do it, but it would just be money every single time. It was like, dude, constant.

Money was all I had ever heard about. Every time I go home to see my parents, my mother's first comments are, the bathroom's still not done. And my dad's like, son of a bitch, Gene. gene well i'm working on the floor yeah it takes time it's been two years it's one toilet one sink that's most homes in america i guarantee you yeah yeah said it just paying somebody to do a bathroom in five weeks in foster gloucester i was uh at the local bar and that guy was playing pool and he shot it and he like missed.

You know, you can break and like, and the cue went up into the fan and he said, I swear to God, he goes, I've been telling John to get rid of that fan for 20 years. Whoa, dude. 20 years of being like, hey man, you should really get rid of that fan. Just having enough and then just smashing it. That's probably why you fucking hit it the first place. Yeah, yeah. It's like fucking now it's time.

But yeah, I talk shit, but I respect, I guess I've seen my dad be consistent with all this. And so I'm just like, well, that's just who you are. And at some point you got to accept people for who they are because they're not going to fucking change. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so then it just becomes on you to not be like one of these people that uh takes it out on other people yeah i mean you're gonna stop the game a tag that goes for you if you've been molested as well let's get back how you doing i don't know. I like... I think that would be hard to leave in the past.

What do you mean? You're going to beat your kids? Well, yeah. Jesus. Yeah, did I stutter? He better not. What do you mean? No, I would never.

I don't have it in me. I think I'd be too nice to my kids. You would do your dad's thing where you just give a look yeah yeah i'll fucking rip your my grandpa could do that he had a look yeah yeah it was just like oh man this guy yeah the bad motherfucker yes you know yeah that is the worst feeling oh just a look just a look where you can see like somehow you get visions of violence yeah yeah they've put on people in the past i don't know i would say the worst feeling is getting hit hits yeah i don't know it's getting i don't know as an adult like if you see another stranger and they give you a

look and like you ever question like uh you know you walk on oh i know your head you walk around going i could fuck up anybody but then and then you see somebody for some reason they give you like a chill and a look and then you think about like ah shit i'm not gonna yeah how did you that is a bad feeling right you emasculated me without doing anything at all doing anything yeah i'm just a bitch i'm a bitch and you know i was that type of bitch right like i showed me i can be potentially a bitch his bitch his bitch if you want it right my butthole is his at any moment. Right, yeah.

It's not even prison. Well, there is a specific look, because most of the time when you think about fighting someone, you have some sort of range of rules in your head for some reason. You know what I mean? Yeah, that would be old school.

Yeah, but like... Like fisticuffs? Yeah, well, it's like... That's the Irish thing. If you knocked me out, you would stop or something like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. But there's some people that give you that look well it's like that's the irish if you knocked me out you would stop or something like that there's but there's some people that give you that look that it's just like you would nuke the entire planet to take me out yeah and that's terrifying yeah my dad is i don't

want any i swear to god yeah yeah he's like like he so dude we had a neighbor for a short while right like the two houses on either side of my dad's house no one ever lived in so we would just like go in there well actually one guy lived in one of them for a couple years and then he went to florida he got shot no one came for his house so we just go in there and get drunk like that was like our hangout it's just like this shot guy's fucking shitty house yeah and then by himself i'm sorry he did yeah he got shot in florida and then no one came to the house. He's dead. He got shot and killed. He got killed.

Nobody claimed ownership of his house. So it's, yes. What's he paying in? Swedish fish? Doesn't the government go like, hey, this is ours now? It's a piece of shit. Oh, okay. Nobody cares. No one wants it.

It's a cabin. It's like on a hill. Yeah. If you could call it that. It's truly like a kitchen with a bed in it on a hill. Oh my God. Yeah. It's like dahmer type

shit this is a fucking camp out yeah it is yeah you could set it there and it would be appropriate yeah yeah dude i mean yeah that's the that is it's creepy that there are places like that that exist almost everywhere dude yeah i know dude all of north philly is like that i remember i remember you get 30 minutes outside of philly you're in like a fucking another world dude when i was when i was at even even like downtown ish like fucking brewery town when i was like thinking i when i had like a real job i was thinking about buying a house and i remember looking up like who owns that and they'd be like we don't know like this someone left this and they've died. And who knows what's happened to the title for like the deed.

It's just like, it's trace it. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, that was, I remember that was like a big problem with like revitalizing North Philly. It's like, we don't know who owns any of this stuff. No one's given a fuck about any of these properties for 40 years. Right. So that was two houses.

And then the third house, there was a guy who lived there and he kept like leaving his truck in the driveway. Like an asshole. Like this was a huge problem. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

That was the, my dad thought it was to block it, but I think he might've just had a truck and a driveway, but we shared a fucking driveway with this guy. So they went to court for several years over whose driveway wasn't really you know and uh it was truly like it would get violent like they started videotaping each other just like in the driveway like and like you could park right like next to the driveway right there's no there's no one around dude there's a fork you could go around you i was like why don't we just go around and

he's like because it's fucking that's the straight away yeah yeah that's my driveway principle so yeah exactly i'm the principal and so i remember him just being like man it's taking everything inside me now to just punch him in the throat and kill him i'm like oh my god yeah i'm like six you know yeah and i remember yeah he would teach me how to fight, but also like I had no desire to do it, but he'd be like, what you got to do, you find the biggest guy in the room, you go up to him, you punch him straight in the nose, step to the side and just keep wailing on that same spot until someone pulls you off him. And I'm like, all right.

What if he fights back? Or what if he, what if no one pulls me off him? Yeah. Well, then you kill him yeah yeah then he's dead and and you won though you know yeah yeah sorry that got weird but i didn't say what no yeah what was the motivation to do this what do you mean uh to to tell me that or yeah yeah so i can fend for myself in case anyone tried to park in my driveway it's the equivalent i imagine of like you know a tougher gentleman from the older generation hoping his kid's not a pussy but he doesn't have the wherewithal to emotionally be vulnerable

enough to to talk to him like a man right yeah i would say that's correct it's like over the top bullshit it's like birds and the bees like yes It's like a dad that was like a fucking, a womanizer trying to tell a son who's growing up a lot more normal than he did. And he's like, look, we had to go wrap this chick. Tell you want to eat her ass. He's like, let me get laid from Clint Eastwood. What if I just said hi for a step? What if I didn't want to throat chop the dude?

Right. Talk to me like a normal person. You kill her spouse and you look at her and you say, it's me now. What do you think about fishing for bullfrogs? Did you know they love the color red? How you doing? You know who else loves the color red?

This guy. You hit me up when it's that time of the month. I'll see you. It is a romantic idea, though. Oh, for sure. If you do it right when it's that time of the month it is a romantic idea though oh for sure if you do it right it's very you know like wild west kind of stuff yeah no that's what everyone loves out there yeah john wayne that whole shit that's why they live in the woods it's like i'm the fucking king of my domain like i make the rules you know what i'm saying i hate to be this dude right now but there's a lot of betas in fucking queens the white betas in queens is it's wild the white

beta sounds like a killer street gang it's crazy like you know the the slow uh the slow shift into gentrifying this area with white guys but it's like white brooklyn people from like the midwest where they're like you know they're wearing the same glasses as their girlfriend they have the same weird bangs they all have masks on and it's like they walk in here i bet i have this fantasy like if like something popped off you could slightly threaten this guy without actually harming him with a look yeah make him shake and then let her know silently what you would what you could do to her sexually and change her whole life yeah but you would think that that's true right but then there's someone saying that about you

with a handlebar mustache in another place. True, on the day to man. It's relative to every, you know what I mean? Well, those guys, I was- I can't build a foundation in the middle of fucking Rhode Island. My problem with those guys is they're always talking about how violent the neighborhood is. And it's like, yeah, but what were you wearing?

Yeah. Dude, there is a lot. I walk wearing yeah i don't have any problems and i promise you i'm a pussy so i don't know what you're doing there's a lot of that like people who are from new york being like like acting like they're from the fucking block but then like i'll talk to someone and they'll be like yeah my grandma lives in that neighborhood that's not a tough neighborhood at all like it's like you're just able to fucking do that you know but i got glasses recently i got glasses oh okay chris you know what glasses are i got these ones and i just want to give you an idea of what i was looking like it looks like that yeah yeah and uh i went to the bodega that i always go to right to just get vapes and gatorade and shit. And I'm standing in there. And for the first time ever, I was the first time I was wearing these glasses, two kids

just cut me like straight up, walked in front of me and just, I was like about to order and they just stepped in front of me and ordered and then looked at me. And I was just like, well, this is never happened. I'm never wearing these fucking glasses again yeah clearly i'm putting up a flag that i can be taken oh the kid from the christmas story dude go the opposite direction just get like fake blood and the fucking blood just put some weird blood like in a splatter on your face well that would be sick if you could just get a face wrap that was teardrop yeah yeah get one of those just just so you can cut a nose thing

on and look blood running down your neck break somebody else in line and then just turn on go i'm sorry were you waiting and they'll be like you can go you can absolutely go gloves that have bloody knuckles and shit yeah yeah you wait can i get you some skittles this one's on me wait the i do think god will do that guys will do do the same thing that we're talking about with like bruisers or whatever with their kids. They'll do that with athletes too. You know what I mean? Like someone will be a good college athlete and then they'll marry the smallest woman

ever to live because they truly feel very small inside. And then they have kids that are medium sized and they're like, why don't you play football? And it's like, because she's five nothing. Because you're a child molester. I have a theory. Hold on a second. Oh, I want to hear that. This is a real theory.

And I don't know if I said it on the show. I've said it many times. My mom's hot now. Yeah. I'm all warm. I'm all warm. I told you to come around. The child molester comment.

I just got my stick in it. You were saying? Tell me your theory. If you look, and I just went to dinner at Mars, and who cares? But oftentimes, and there's a- Oh, my berries on the hill, me and Marks. There's a type, and it's usually autistic,

weird-shaped white guys that are either tall or super fat that are older that date these dainty Asian women. Yeah. That look like children from all angles except the face. Yeah. That's certain. That's only 10%. they're so off-putting and autistic that they have to jump to you know an asian such a a language and a culture that is also kind of autistic but it's true if you go hard asian dude there's a certain level of autism that matches i think what you're saying like there's like a disconnect between

like there's a disconnect between all of them and us. But you just know they're walking that gray area of like, this is what you're into. Because that is a very small individual. Yeah. And it's very strange for someone to be that large and be like, that's my girl. That's my beautiful baby angel.

They're not talking. That's the athlete talking. But it's like, what are you going to pick up this little fucking elf on the shelf and knock around every night? That sounds fun, it's been like a top No, you pay 150 bucks for that you fuck off and you do it out of state lines You don't marry it put a tiny little ring around her little pinky Anyway, I love this theory. If you're into Asians, you're a child molester. My cousin lived in China. I'm talking about bigger white men with tiny little elves. My cousin lived in China for like five years and she was telling me that there's no good

Samaritan law there, which means like if someone gets hit by a car right in front of you, no one helps them. Like you can't help that person. Yeah. Because like the pedestrian, like on the floor floor bleeding because if you pick them up now they can be like he hurt me and now you pay for their medical bill oh my god so it's just all people just walking by someone like bleeding out on the street like not like acting like that didn't just happen you gotta sing the herd too that's the government let's let's yeah i think there's also if you had some of these if you had two billion people yeah there is some level of like. Yeah.

Come on, man. One got clipped. But then New York, I feel like people here are more willing to like help each other out than they would be in our hometowns or whatever.

Well, dude, I mean, New York is a small town compared to like any city in China. That's true. They have like 40 million people. Yeah. I've seen a police story. Dude, that's why when you're

in Starbucks... This is a little community. There's no one in line if you're at a coffee shop. An Asian will be in your back pocket because they're used to being popped around,

you know, they're like, they're stuck. Yeah, yeah. So they don't know that you give someone space. I think you need to teach a course.

I knew that was going to go too far, but you know what I'm saying? Like culturally... It's true, yeah. Spatially, they're spatially, you know. They're less, they have less respect. I mean, if you've seen Koya Naskatsi.

Yeah, they're used to packing in. They're packing in like sardines. I remember hearing the story that like they have like a. Do you guys learn nothing from what happened to Shane? There's nothing wrong with saying that they're socially. You put them in like sardines. They do. They're doing it. They're doing it to their people. I'm saying... There's so many people so they don't like they're like you... They'll literally like put their head right on your shoulder.

You're like, there's no one behind me. Get the fuck out of here. They're just like... Oh, I don't know. No, I heard in, I heard they like, they had signs with like, to like not put your cigarette by your waist if you're smoking a cigarette. Oh, because.

Because you could just burn a kid's eye out. That's how tight. I heard that for real. Dude, a whole generation of one-eyed. I think David Sedaris put that in his book.

Really? Yeah. And he's a liberal guy. Yeah. So I'm just quoting him. We're just talking facts here, dude. I'm just quoting him. I'm just saying. No, in his book. Really? Yeah. And he's a liberal guy. Yeah. So I'm just quoting him. We're just talking facts here, dude. I'm just quoting him. I'm just saying.

No, I never doubted a single thing. If you want to go after someone, go after him. Yeah. This whole episode, I've been quoting my father. Go Eads. My dad, David Sedaris. Look him up. Pope is my middle name.

Oh, man. That's so fucking funny. But yeah. No, the hometown is uh alive and well i believe the hell's angels took over the bar hell's angels yeah yeah but i don't find them to be such bad guys i don't either i've had great relationships with pagans wonderful guys very sweet man but they they're they you know they fucked up their families over yeah there's weird there's like weird like ritualistic shit going on inside of all these groups but like uh i don't know i feel like ever since the beginning of like organized crime or whatever you know there's always been a thing of like putting like making people like the mafia

giving them a bad rap when in fact uh they were doing some bad shit yeah yeah But there was a lot of really good shit that came out of that as well. Because it's really just they were trying to beat the- Yeah, they gave turkeys out on Thanksgiving. Yeah, they were just- Sorry about killing your fucking head. They were trying to kill the government. They were trying to beat the government at what the government was doing. Of course.

Because it's the same thing. They're killing people. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Just fucking get them full of cancer with whatever candy that is over there and then make them pay to get it fixed. In order for unions also to get going, you needed the mob. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, it was the only way. It's weird to see the tech age hit these shitty towns now. You know what I mean? Because it's like the TikToks of my hometown, I'm sure, are insane. I've never looked at them, but I can't imagine. They're probably the best. That's who I would, I don't go on imagine the best i mean that's who i would i don't go on that tiktok ever but like yeah that's who i would follow small town mongrels yeah yeah it's truly just feels like traveling back in time to your point of like

like it's still got the penny candy stores and like all the shit it's like holding on to like you know it's almost a bed and breakfast ball there's a lot of ski ball going on i don't know don't ski ball in my house no high? That's fucking high end, dude. Really? Ski ball? Like an arcade or something? Yeah, yeah. It's got your fucking old school arcade. Bullfrogs with red rags. What?

You think they got a ski ball? There's no arcades. Yeah, dude. Yeah, no. They're like, I don't know. In the shitty New Hampshire towns that I would go to,

they had all those sick games where you put a quarter, it's like a baseball field and you put a quarter in it and it launches. Yeah, yeah. Like a double or a triple or a home run

if you launched it right like that hoop fever game you know i'm talking about yeah yeah that's a good game i'm not talking about games i fucking love we started off with open up an arcade dude oh man you'd be a great arcade owner right you're a pedophile he's my asian a giant... Just all the quarters, just plopping out quarters for all the kids. Yeah. Making fun of all the dads, hitting on the moms. Dude, yeah. You should start an arcade.

I put one skee ball behind a curtain when I meet the right one. What does that mean? I don't know. Maybe I'm hooking up with one of the moms behind a curtain. Oh, I pictured like a lady at the top of the ski ball ramp with her asshole out and you gotta like,

you know, that's the goal. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. Like spitting ping pong balls into a pussy on Howard Stern. Dave, we were doing that, huh? I think so.

No, it was out of the pussy. It wasn't in. You'd have to have a lot of velocity. I got a hose, dude. I can crow hop a ping pong ball. Damn, you hit her in the nose again, dude.

I do like the wind up for that. It's like cricket or whatever. It's three worlds. Fuck. Well, when are you going back next? I'd like to go with you. I don't know. Probably Thanksgiving.

Let's set up a fucking trip. Oh, that would be so fun. We could actually go and do some fishing or some shit. Yeah, but the fall foliage is beautiful. Oh, yeah. Oh, we talked about doing that. We talked about taking a ride doing the, what do they call it? Peepers.

Leaf peepers. Leaf peeping. Oh, yeah. Leaf peeping. You go up to Connecticut, all that dog shit highway in Connecticut. Yeah. And then once you break there in the Boston, it's nice. Yeah, the leaf peepers out there.

Yeah. That's a weird... You think when they see, like, really fucking good leaves, they, like, fuck each other really hard? Dude, you ever go through Central Park? Yes. Watching the bird watchers? Those guys are nuts.

Yeah, they're getting horny for it. Yeah. Just some old lesbian with a fucking binocular. You can see her disposition change when she sees, like, I don't know... A fern. A fern, yeah, something from afar. That's not a bird. with a fucking binocular, you can see her disposition change when she sees like a, I don't know. A fern. A fern, yeah. Something from afar. That's not a bird.

Dude, renting a place on a lake up there is like more expensive during peeping season than summer. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

It's crazy. Because the peep season is very short. I'm sorry. No, don't be sorry. Peeping season. If you didn't laugh I'd be like

this kid's a fucking weirdo dude peep season it's a real gamble hey when you're me every season's peep season it's true well that's how they make their whole annual income

you know oh true that you gotta give it to the fucking the peepers dude fucking Salem, Massachusetts still makes a hundred million a year from the witch trials like people just going there

yeah tourists just going there being like. Tourists just going there. But yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. I mean, that's awesome. It is great. It's great. But it's just, it's cartoon world.

Yeah. You know, like, what are we doing? Yeah. My hometown had a version of that, which we tried to capitalize on and failed where our mascot is an elephant. And that's because when there was a circus going through town like 1890 this is the second elephant ever to be on the continental u.s and it was owned by barnum and bailey technically but they were like leasing it to some other fucking people yeah they

got lost and wound up in foster glosser glosser some guy came out of a stagecoach fucking shot it and killed it and then they made the town mascot an elephant as like a like that's like our local jesus my god yeah wait someone from the circus shot it no some guy came out of yeah local was like what the fuck is that fucking shot it and killed it yeah so now there's elephant day in my hometown where we're supposed to repent if If you look it up on Wikipedia. Hold on. And then, yeah. Wait a second. And now it's the mascot, but it's like that.

Do you have like a parade and everybody wears like elephant hats and ears and shit? There's a big elephant statue in the middle of the town. There's like, there's no elephant parade, but like we do have an Ancients and Horribles parade every 4th of July and there will be some elephant homage. Yeah. In there. Dude, that fucking rules man but yeah that actually

was the reason why elephants or not elephants but circuses started to unionize because they kept people kept killing

their fucking animals they're like alright cool we gotta like come together and like make this official so that we're not just losing elephants yeah you know

that bankrupt foster gloster trying to pay back the the elephant cost i don't know if anyone paid for anything i don't know what the hell but they just threw it we're like good something to identify ourselves as forever living in this lifestyle that you're talking you're speaking of coming from like small town maniacs yeah if you can find a balance of like being slightly normal and like this is what built your personality and such yeah i've always said this about like upbringings like boston philly new york is like if you're exposed to lots of elements of like you know crazy shit violence alcoholism and all that stuff you build a personality that's like very interesting i would agree i also you're that small town like life i've only seen on like in movies and they perfect it right so you're i think they sensationalize that's what i mean

yeah sensationalize it yeah perfect it in like its best case scenario correct yeah yeah yeah so like when i hear like and meet someone like yourself i I'm like, that is, what a fun way to be raised and then fuck off and they come back and be like, this is, it's a womb of insanity that's controlled. Yeah, I mean, if you think about it, it's like you gotta have a lot of sympathy for the guy that shot that elephant. Yeah.

Because, I mean, what the fuck? How do you go? Could you imagine? He goes back to the stagecoach and everyone's just like, yeah. This motherfucker. Yeah. I mean, how could you honestly be mad at him? It's like, you killed the elephant. It's like, I killed the what?

I saved the town. Yeah. I'm sure. This dude was sipping. What was I supposed to do? Dude, and to your point, there are plenty of people that do live normal lives there, you know? But there's no like real, because suburbs, everyone has to keep up with each other cause you can see everybody,

you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. But in the woods, so you could live in a NASCAR, you can live in a fucking bus, you can live, you know. Yeah. This dude was probably sipping moonshine, building a seventh crib, going like, and then he walked out all fucked up and he sees this beast.

Yeah. And he's like, he's going to kill my kids. And I need them to help me finish building my porch. Dude, he kills the elephant and builds a giant eighth crib. I'm going to work on this fucking elephant casket. But yeah, I never thought about being that guy who shot that elephant. Oh my God. And walking around town and everyone fucking hates you, I would imagine.

No, I think everyone in town had to understand. Yeah. hates you i would imagine no i think everyone in town had to understand yeah because you there there's no way to prepare yourself for that yeah that's fun i do like you probably didn't even know what an elephant was right there's got to be someone is and it's probably like it's going nuts it's doing elephant shit i mean the fact that the bullet killed it was probably a miracle shot. Right. Right. He was probably... Well, he shot it a few times and then it walked like half a mile and fell off a bridge.

Jesus. See, if this elephant just walked up with a pool stick in its hand, they probably would have been living there still. It fell off a bridge. Ryan, do you shave your nuts uh this is well i'll buzz i don't i don't do i will not put a blade on my scrotum say yeah i can't but i don't have i will buzz yeah yeah yeah what about three blades and a nice no fuck that it's just not the risk to reward ratio is not real yeah i don't need them I don't need them so buttery smooth.

I really don't. Who is this for? Dude. Dude. Thank you. Yeah. I just had a conversation. It's like, I'm not going to be mad at a woman who has like a little bit of hair going on.

It's like, if you can't take me with a little bit, then fuck off. I actually judge an older woman that's bare. I'm like, that bitch is nuts. Yeah, it's a little weird. It's weird. It's weird. If you're like mid thirties and you have a bare vagina you're either out and about let it go let it go dude what are you doing i had a natural little a little putting green a little putting green somewhere

i can chip around let him chip around on your little putting grain this is how i talk to my kid right now have you been chipping around on anybody's potting green? If so, she's got a boyfriend. Throat chop that motherfucking bitch. Listen, boys. Eventually, you're going to want to get beyond mini golf and just shoot 18 holes. Yeah. But it's true. I feel like.

Wait, so you do shave your balls with a blade? Yeah. That's insane. Yeah. It's mostly just about to delay the amount of time that I have to do it again. So do come back to a nice surface yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but i don't i mean look i'm you know yeah i'm not complaining about it yeah this girl was saying like she's like i i i'm moving into a landing strip as opposed to uh just natural in its in its you know arrowhead shape yeah you gotta mow the lawn you gotta mow the lawn but like then you're starting to shape to just natural in its arrowhead shape.

Yeah, you got to mow the lawn. You got to do it. Mow the lawn, but then you're starting to shape. You start getting into mid-20s shapes when you're not mid-20s. That's just as crazy as a bald floor. You're talking about a strip? Yeah, just a strip.

I don't mind a strip. A little strip. I don't either. A little strip. A little hair is better than anything. You want to get a little dancey about it, that's fine. But you can't just go full, full. You can do whatever you want. Why not? I like the way it's made want to get a little dancey about it that's fine but like you can't just go full full you can do whatever you want why not i like the way you get a good look at it oh is that yeah yeah i'm sure right look stuff island october 3rd

october 5th we're going to be at helium comedy club in philadelphia uh eight o'clock there's like i don't know there's a few tickets left actually so I'm gonna yeah but do you want to plug anything after you get this over yeah get 20% off and free shipping with stoke Cuff Island at manscaped.com that's 20% off and free shipping with the code stuff island one word stuff island at manscaped.com I'm not gonna read what they just said mans Manscaped Performance Package 4.0 has got it all. The Lawn Mower 4.0 Body Trimmer.

It's wonderful. The Weed Whacker Nose and Ear Trimmer for future. I don't know anyone that has ear hair yet. I got nose hair though. I got nose hair. Dude, I cut my hair and my nails.

I had a gray nose hair that was like fucking... Oh, boo. Look at me, dude. Jesus Christ. You think I got any fucking sympathy? Anyway, Ryan, you got anything, Ryan Donahue, do you have anything to plug, bud? When does this come out?

Wednesday, October 5th. Oh, wow. That's soon. Yeah. I suppose the closest thing that's worth plugging would be, well, I'm in Key West, if you're a Key West person. Yeah, Key West. They're everywhere, dude. I'm at, Key West. They're everywhere, dude.

I'm at Comedy Key West. We got Swedes, germs. We got them all. Oh, great. The weekend of the 12th of October, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And then I am at the DC Improv the weekend of the 23rd.

I'll be there Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And then I am doing a hour as part of the new york comedy festival on november 7th monday at caveat in new york city so come to that i'll be there yeah go to that that'd be fucking killer i will yeah yeah let's let's put one on october 7th uh november 7th november 7th yeah sick yeah nice you sticking off the page say what the patreon yeah we do another hour on the patreon oh yeah probably kick it yeah all right see ya oh i'm october 7th and 8th i'm in indianapolis with sean gardini it'll be fun i like that guy yeah yeah he's a man dog rules all right