Stuff Island - Stuff Island #51 - best buy casino w/ Mike Recine

Episode Date: October 26, 2022

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What are we talking about? Um, Little, uh, Butterboy at Littlefield. That's a show. Yeah. How was it? It was okay. You look good. What happened?

It didn't motivate me. Jesus Christ. It didn't motivate me to want to do stand-up. Yeah. I mean, that should be every other show. You just want to kill yourself and stop all this bullshit. It didn't motivate you or it did? It didn't.

I was like, I don't have any desire to, I don't have any to talk about do you know yeah yeah no no no podcasting is fine dude podcasting is sucks I mean it's great yeah but stand up is just so underwhelming yeah are we recording yeah I can't take this hoodie off because I'm wearing a tank top Yeah I can't take this hoodie off because I'm wearing a tank top underneath. Of course you are Yeah, take it to take your fucking yeah. Yeah, take those eight tits out Do you and your wife take turns huh milking that cherub of a child of yours You know when I stand up straight, it looks fine. Yeah, dude, you look great.

I'm kidding. Yeah. You're a thick media talent. You could do anything as a WAP. Yeah. Yeah. You're a jack of all trades visually. Those are huge.

Those are ripped pecs waiting to be born. 100%. I could probably infiltrate the mafia. Well, let's start. I was going to start a lot lower, Mike. I would like fix my toilet. Oh, okay. Yeah, but that's how you start. Get rid of a shrub.

Different type of filtration. Bulbous base. Things like that, you know? Help me move my fridge. Yeah. And then you work your way up. You know, you're an assistant to an accountant. Yeah.

That's real fucking shady. Hiding things in the books. That's where things go. Yeah. Uphill for you. Yeah. After that. I've never really done that.

I've never really done that before. I've just made all of my income on Venmo and not filed taxes. Yeah, dude. I know. This guy's fear of our taxes is outrageous. Dude, I'm terrified. I'm living fucking paycheck to paycheck even though we're making money because this guy's fear of taxes.

I'm terrified. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, it's coming. It's breathing down our necks. Imagine this guy's in charge of my money. This is the guy who's handling my fucking money but your money's so inconsistent so it's like you get what you get like you know 300 bucks here or whatever it's 500 bucks here you're like oh great this is all for me yeah you know yeah yeah we're getting we're

getting we're getting good money and then we get like ad money we get stuff we we have a pretty consistent ad stream and income stream where do you find the advertisers that they find you they find us I walk around the street in a tank top yeah yeah yeah I just yodel an Italian they come by how's business what ads do you have right now this is a great ad I should start it right yeah should we do it? Well, this is one. Well, they don't want it too early. They don't want it too late.

We have to interrupt the podcast at some point and do a... God damn it. I'd like to make it organic like that because he's genuinely asking. It looks corny as fuck. We got a disc plate today. We also have manscaped... Disc plate? Disc plate.

What's a plate? We'll get to it. Are you selling plates? Manscaped sheath underwear? This plate. What's a plate? We'll get to it. You selling plates? Manscaped. Sheath underwear. Paper plates. For people. For the unhoused.

Express VPN. Yeah. There's a couple others. Well, don't give them all. Yeah. We'll send them a bill for the read. There's still paint. There's no read. There's like six or seven.

Yeah. It's nice. Yeah. Yeah. I never thought I'd be doing that shit, but you have to. Yeah. I know. It is a little undignified.

Yeah. In a way. Well, sheath underwear is fine. Yeah. Some of the other ones. I would fuck with sheath underwear. Yeah. There's nothing like having a lady sleep over and you whip out a pair of wild sheath underwear.

Yeah. I got one pair that's like gold trim. Yeah. I have a band and there's like hearts wearing sunglasses. I have one that's like Hunter's camo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But they're fucking young. They're like, they're two inches. That's a weenie bikini on a gay beach. Sheath underwear is kind of cool, but I've never used it the way it's supposed to be used because I always forget I'm wearing sheath underwear. Yeah. But like the idea of sheath underwear is you can put your- The nokies and the peen.

Yeah. You put your balls in the little holder. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a front door and a back door. And then you just open the thing. Yeah, yeah. You just open it up. It's a vent.

Yeah, it's a vent. It's a vent for your peck. But I never... Who remembers that they're wearing sheath underwear? I don't know, man. But apparently it's... I go over the fence every time. But I do like the...

It's like me in college. Yeah, yeah. I do like the underwear. But I've never been like... I've never had to piss and be like, oh, good, I'm wearing sheath underwear. Yeah, yeah. I do like the underwear, but I've never been like, I've never had to piss and be like, oh good, I'm wearing sheath underwear.

No. Yeah. I just like it late in the day when your balls have been off your grundle for a while. No, don't start with this shit. What? Don't.

Start with this shit. What? Yeah, Tommy's balls don't touch his grundle somehow. Oh, yeah? How is that possible? Do mine touch? I don't know.

High intense nuts. What do you mean you don't know if they touch? My nuts are just- Where are they right now? The grundle's in the back, behind your nuts. Yeah. I don't know High intense nuts What do you mean you don't know If they touch Where are they right now? The grundles in the Behind your nuts Yeah They don't touch

When you're sitting Of course That's what I'm saying He's got long nuts He's got horse nuts Yeah Yeah it's crazy I don't think so

Of course you don't I think I got a regular Everybody wants to think They're normal I got a regular bag dude Yeah For your size That's a big old bag

Chris has like the baby balls That haven't Yeah dropped yet Once you Or no You have those balls Once you goop in somebody You're gonna have like For your size That's a big old bag Chris has like the baby balls That haven't Yeah Dropped yet Once you Or no You have Yes Once you goop in somebody

You're gonna have like triplets Eats I don't know what kind of Horse buckets You got going I've been firing I've been firing ropes I bet

Let's chill Michael you still doing That's good You still doing I'm gonna sweat through This whole episode Yeah Hot at it

This is insanely hot For this time of year Yeah Yeah it is i'm sure it'll be fine it'll be fine yeah just keep sweating staring at each other i liked it i was ready for like just overcast shitty fall to kind of like set in like almost winter i was like those past couple days embraced for it and then it got then it got foggy do you think like like irish people in general like do you get like is it like an internal mechanism that gets you all excited when it's bog weather? There must be because I fucking love the rain. I love the rain. Yes, yes. When it's like, I love a good downpour.

Yeah. I've always said the sun is God's lighting, right? Chris is like a goth kid. Yeah. But the weather matches mine. 100%, dude. I feel it on the inside. It feels like it's like a niceh kid yeah the weather matches mine 100 dude it's all it's like it feels like it's like a nice blanket over here you know it's like uh yeah everybody's ugly you know i just bought a raincoat for like the first time in like five years so i finally have a raincoat what are you

doing i've just been wearing yeah i just you know yeah like my one jacket that serves as a raincoat but i have like actual raincoat. And yeah, it's nice. I think I like the rain now. Me too. You got to take care of yourself. You do. You got to go spend 30 bucks at REI. Dude, I'm not kidding you when I say this.

Hey. Michael Chang, what's up? Does he live here? Yeah. He lives upstairs. Oh, okay. You looking for your hat? No.

Sorry. It took 40 fucking years. Yeah. Yeah, around 40 years to get a proper winter coat that would protect me from all the elements. I mean like wind, rain, hail. I got a, I think a Banana Republic, like a classic one that you can't really tell.

Because I got like a big puffy coat a few years ago. And my wife like hated it. She would bitch about it. Well, you got to have a basketball inside of your arm. What, like fucking for stanza?'s it's like a coat you get killed Everyone who got killed by the Bloods was wearing that 100% Yeah, that's a wild choice because I also like like I like the way Japanese But it's nice to wear it. Like a weird Asian.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They have deep, long puffy coats that are very stylistic. Yeah. It's interesting. But you can't pull it off. You look like you might be a peacoat guy. I fuck with a peacoat hard. I had a peacoat for me.

They're not as warm, though. No, it's all... Look, I'm fashion over function. What are we talking? I'd rather rip a hole in the fucking front of my foot wearing a shoe that I enjoy rather than something that's comfortable and form-fitting. See, I'm all function.

That's for lesbians and old men. Yeah. Like, comfort? Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna ruin my souls on a shoe that shouldn't even fit. Nor is it the right time for the season. I'm gonna get back to this.

I got a new winter coat. I got a rain jacket. And I have rain-proof shoes from Sorrel that I've never had before. You can wear in light rain, spring, or light snow, winter. Okay. You like them? Game changer, dude. Yeah. Game changer.

See, I just kind of wear the sneakers. I'm just careful around the puddles. Me too. But you have to navigate this umbrella. You have to watch where the rain's coming, and then I would just get so dear to, you know, because then it just becomes a wet sponge. And the way I walk, it doesn't matter.

If the floor of the world is wet, my toes get soaked. Your ass protects the heels, and your balls protect the toes. But if you see a woman. I got natural awnings. If you see a girl with like high rain boots that's like a little crazy yeah that's crazy

yeah and when they wear it when like the day after it's all that's all that's all look at me kind of bullshit

the thing that drives me like crazy is if you're walking outside with a woman and they do have the right jacket on but they don't zip it up oh yeah

and they're just and they're like I'm cold I'm freezing it's like fucking use the jacket he drives by in a freezing it's like fucking yeah use the jacket he drives by the cars zip up your jacket i'll say i'll say it to people on the street change what your shirt oh you're sweating yeah well you're wearing like a native american rug

see i didn't think i was like i'll wear the hoodie the hoodie looks good on the podcast yeah yeah but i'm sweating i damn i maybe we should put the ac on should we close the door and go ac no i might put the hoodie back on dude i i feel you are you self-conscious about your body at all yeah yeah yeah what are you self-conscious about uh i just feel like i got kind of a weird shape i got a little bit of a midget body you know what i mean yeah like like if i'm if i'm two or three inches shorter like people would be like that's the tallest midget i've ever seen yeah yeah yeah yeah like he's definitely got genetic like dwarfism or whatever in his genes he just he like he fought past it somehow you know what i mean yeah i'm worried that i have like a fupa like i i've i'm sometimes i look at a photo of myself

and i'd be like i don't have like a f, do I? Because you worry that you have the fat crotch area. Like your pants are really tight and you have the fat crotch. That little globe down there? Yeah. Well, even if you're in shape and you just release the tension of your core, your organs are pushing out. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You don't have to have a full belly or a lot of intestine.

It's just going to push. Yeah. So then you look at yourself from the side. I got a bean waist. I got a 38, 30 waist. Dude, yeah. My ex used to say that to me. If she came to watch me perform on a show or something,

she'd be like, are you intentionally sticking your belly out? I'd be like, no, what are you talking about? And then I'd see photos and it would just like, the shirt just pulls forward a little bit. You can't help it. You just have a dwarf. You're like, no, I'm just a mish.

Nice. Shout out to, I guess, what do you call them? Small people. Yeah, dwarves. Little people. Is dwarf okay, right? No, I don't think so anymore. No?

No. I thought that's what it is. I thought the disorder is i have dwarfism yeah yeah but you got to change everything yeah yeah we're not italians anymore you can still call tall people giants yeah yeah ethically challenged yeah yeah we're looking for jobs yeah yeah tell me about it dude you're fucking it... There were so many comics in the moving industry. And I was always... Thank God I didn't come to New York when I started.

Because I was poor as fuck. And I worked hard to figure out a way to make money. I would have been a mover. Yeah, I'll be doing it for the rest of my life, I think. Yeah? Yeah, I've kind of resigned myself to that. Because you love it. Well, yeah, I kind of love it.

Yeah? I hate sitting in traffic. Yeah. But I like meeting the customer, starting to move the stuff. Really? Yeah, I like packing the truck. Good. But I don't like picking up the truck and returning it because you sit in traffic. Yeah. Can we call you when we return this piece of shit couch?

Yeah, of course. Yeah. And you'll come and take it? What do you put, like a... Where's it going? It's like, well, where's it going? On the curb. It'll be gone in 10 seconds.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. You want me to put the couch on the curb? I purge all my shoes and shit. I could probably do that myself. I'm not to suck my own dick here, but I could probably get that couch out. That's what I was getting at, man.

I want you to show off. Without scratching the walls? Yeah, I think so. Really? Also, you're fine. You're fine. Yeah, we got display on the walls. That's actually good idea for protection.

Metal reinforcement. How do you like, if you meet some dude who's moving with you, you're like, this guy sucks. No, not really. Most people you can get a good performance out of them if you motivate them the right way. Do you ever get someone trying to fuck you,

always making you go back down the stairs? Oh, I thought you meant like a client. No, a lot of guys, some guys get hit on. That's never happened to me. Really? Yeah, but I've been with my wife a lot. Have you heard stories about somebody getting fucked? No, but guys will get a phone number or something.

Really? No blowjobs? No, I don't think so. That would violate the code, I think. Yeah, no shit. Nobody gives a fuck about that. No, but I'm saying like- If she's the code I think yeah no shit nobody gives a fuck about that no but I'm saying

I've heard stories of girls like the movers code is no blowjobs no blowjobs from clients no getting your dick sucked on the job yeah

rule number one respect each other well it's kind of like you're in a you know your client's in like kind of a vulnerable position because she's like moving

she needs somebody oh right she's emotionally distraught yeah because she's like moving. She needs somebody. Oh, right. She's emotionally distraught. Yeah. Because she's shifting her location. Yeah. Right. So her heart and her mind are in a different place.

So therefore you'd be violating her vagina. You can get, yeah. I mean, you can get like a phone number or something. Right. Whichever. Right. And then let her make the decision afterwards. Yeah.

Otherwise, yeah. Well, you said you've heard stories of. Oh, yeah. Like fucking. I don't think they respect you in that way, though. Who, me? No, I don't think clients respect you where they're like, oh, I'm going to fuck this guy who's moving my couch.

They go, thank you, and they feel bad for you a little bit. I know, but what I'm saying is there is a percentage... And they go, I can't believe that guy has a kid. This is how he makes a living. Jeez. But there's a percentage of the populace, regardless of what you think there has to be, that that's their thing.

Yeah. And I've heard of women like, you know, change. There's something wrong with my router. They send a Verizon guy out, and if he's half decent, he's got two arms, two legs, you know, decent size. He's like, it's going to take a while to fix this. Maybe we grab some lunch or something.

No, no. No, what I'm saying is she's in a robe, and she's like, I'm going to tell you exactly what I want out of this. I want you to rearrange my organs, not my router.

Okay. That's interesting. Yeah, and I've heard about it happen from somebody I know. Yeah, I guess guys can do that. There's maniac wives that are just like,

I'm hungry. You think my wife's doing it? Frank hasn't paid attention to me since his fucking dart league started. Come bop me around my couch. You think that's what my wife's doing it? Frank hasn't paid attention to me since his fucking dart league started. Come bop me around my couch. You think that's what my wife is doing? How long are you gone?

Yeah. Not that long. Yeah, you're fine. A couple days is fine. Your kid is a beaut, man. Thanks. Do you have a ring camera on the front of the house? Yeah.

On her forehead. In the living room. She just did the ring. In the back of her throat. Then it becomes your thing. You're like, look, I know this is weird. I need to see the answer. Honey, what are you doing?

You're like, I'm just watching history documentaries. But you're watching the throat cam. Just her blowing an Amazon guy. Do you share your location? It's never really come up I only had one maniac that did that yeah

that's a very bad time what they want to know where you are where are you I don't trust you yeah that's a bad sign yeah it's over

as soon as that share your location thing well you don't want to know where your where your wife is all the time well you shouldn't yeah

also like you should have an independence it's like yeah you shouldn't yeah also like that you should have an independence it's like yeah you shouldn't be with somebody if you're constantly doing that shit anyway yeah so like but once that gets bleed you know bleeds into your skull yeah there's no success going i'm not saying she should cheat on me but i'm saying like she should be able to like have dinner with a girlfriend every once like once a month where they where they talk about how awful my dick is her and her best friend just go out to dinner. Yeah.

And they only talk about, yeah. Why wouldn't you want that, dude? That's a balance of life. My shitty dick. Yeah. Talk about your weird bird. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You ever fucking, you're like, lady, the waiter's like, ladies? She's like, oh, wait, by the way, look at this. Look at my husband's dick. Yeah. We're not ready to order yet. We're still looking at my husband's bird. I mean, that's, it's gotta ready to order yet. We're still looking at my husband's burger. I mean, it's got to be, you know.

You don't talk bad on your wife in front of friends. No, I don't. On podcasts, I do. Yeah, because it's not real. Yeah. And that's the thing. Yeah. You know, it's like women have to get it all out to themselves.

But like, you know, it's all fucking. Have you ever been fucking and you like, uh, in the middle of a really, like you just realized that this is going to be a bad performance and you're just like, yeah, damn.

I've been, I've gotten caught in my head. Just been like 10 minutes of fucking just being like, this is not good. Never going to, I can't turn this thing around. I like the opening you know it's like it's like a bad set yeah you're just like i kind of yeah i offended him up front

you said something about scranton you thought the thing was hilarious but they're actually really sensitive about it you do your clothes are in the middle she's still not liking it like well i'm. Can't do crowd work. She's not listening. What else is going on? How long you staying? Yeah. You like coffee shops?

I got a good barista. Can I come back out here, actually? What's your name? Can we go back to Applebee's? Let's bring the host back out. It's just a guy moving the couch from like'm like, look, he didn't mean it. He didn't mean it. He's going to be different this time.

No, but that's a, you got to flip around. You got to like, that's the beauty of oral. We were just talking about this. It's a nice little backup. Yeah. It's a nice little ace up your sleeve. Yeah. The Joe Pesci CK story of like CK trying to hire him. Oh, yeah, yeah. Joe Pesci saying that story of CK trying to hire him.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Joe Pesci saying that it's fucking gay to eat pussy. Yeah. He's like, what kind of man would go down on a woman? What kind of respecting man? Self-respecting man. Yeah, she'll lose respect for you if you do that. Yeah, you'll never be a man in her eyes again.

Apparently, he just didn't take the role because he was so offended. respect for you if you do that yeah yeah you'll never be a man in her eyes again so he apparently he just didn't take the role yeah because he was so offended by his opinion of going down on a woman yeah i'm not kidding you that's like my thing but that's your reset that's your reset like 100 okay if you're if anything's off if you feel the timing's off right that's shaking the erection sketch yep yep you grab your umbrella. You get your rain boots on. You go eat pussy for 25 minutes. Yeah, but sometimes she doesn't want me to.

That's a walk around the block for you? 100%. Sometimes she doesn't want me to do it. Yeah. Well, Mike, you got to get better at it. Yeah. Yeah. Why?

Because it's like she's been walking all day or something? She's like, ah, no, it's fine. We're done. Yeah. That's true marriage yeah yeah just stop yeah so you just get the the big fucking stop sign here and there yeah yeah yeah i just not early and then we wake our kid up or something yeah let's go to the park yeah and then you just eat ice cream staring at your kid going fuck yeah that's funny you never think

as a kid how many times like your parents coming in and saying hello to you it was just they had a bad session man nobody came and they were just like yeah let's go see a movie leave me alone yeah dude let's see what chris is let's go to the water park like you've never asked your dad's in the garage like Once I give her go to the Poconos? Of course. You ever go to Bushkill Falls? Yes, I have. So when my dad took, well, he took us there when I was in middle school.

I was 12. Where'd you grow up? And I was in a pretty fat jersey. Yeah, where at? Like near Trenton, I guess. Between Prince and Trenton. Oh, so Poconos are reasonable for... Yeah, like two hours.

Yeah, yeah. But we went to Bushkill Falls, and my dad was trying to... My dad tried to tell the lady that I was under under 10 i was like a fat 12 i was like a big fat 12 year old yeah and he's like no he's uh yeah no and and the lady's like i think he's uh i think he's over 10 and my dad's like no he's not over 10 he's just a really big boy and then the lady's like he's over 10 and my dad like storms off and he's like fucking woman my tax money probably pays for this shit Through the Poconos which you didn't get to go on the ride. No we did but then we like we like went back in

Yeah Poconos was yeah, that's we went every year. Yeah, it's fun the first five years of my life We went to the shore with it. Yeah, it's way better than like the Hamptons or anywhere else that you would, you know. Oh my God, that's something to compare. Yeah. You play video games in a fucking laundromat. Yeah. But as a kid, you're like, this is, there's so many things to do.

Yeah. But there's nothing to do when you get older. You're like, you go back to. Oh, really? Like we rented the same cottage. Yeah. Lake Wal-Mal Pack. Yeah, yeah.

We had the same cabin. What? It's called Wal-Mal Pack. I know, I know. It's just such a funny yeah. We had the same cabin. What? It's called Wampal Pack. I know, I know. It's just such a funny name. It's hilarious. Yeah. Especially having like a dog go after it.

I used to be like, yeah, Lake Wampal Pack. It's horrendous. It's like, yeah, Mosey Smolone is my favorite hometown hero. And the fact that armies of you guys just invade that town in the summer. Oh, I know.

Dude, can you imagine? Lake Wampal Pack just becomes fucking hellhole. It's the Hamptons, but like a fucking surge of alcoholics and fucking union workers. I'm like, yeah, this is a beautiful place

to grow. Domestic abuse goes up 60%. They gave you a boat? A Wampal Pack? Yeah, we drove a speedboat recently. That was fun. An actual speedboat? Me and my wife

a couple years ago, yeah. Sick. Yeah. Is that how she got pregnant? She was like, this dude gets it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

A hundred bucks and just took it out for like a spin. For like an hour, yeah. Hour or two. That's pretty She was like, this dude gets it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred bucks and just took it out for like a spin. For like an hour. Yeah. Hour or two. That's pretty good.

Yeah. You're going to get him going. Oh yeah, dude. Love speed boats. Yeah. Is it like a,

like a proper cigarette boat? One of those motherfuckers? No, just a power boat. Cigarette boats are those ones that are

like, they've got like those fucking eighties, like swiggles on the side. Just a bunch of dildos and helmets like... Why do you call them cigarette boats? Because they're shaped like a cigarette, I guess. Long and white.

Slender. No, they're fucking... They got rocket ship colors. Yeah, they've... They're wild. They've changed colors. They got wild. They've added colors.

It's a boat on cocaine. A couple more colorways. It's literally a boat on cocaine. It's everything you want. That's what the fucking guys used to beat the cops. Yeah. The fucking, you know, the cha-chas in fucking Miami. Yeah, dude.

They jump on a speedboat, a cigarette boat, and they whop around. Yeah. And then the sky cops chase them. Yeah. And they'll stop them. Yeah. That's got to be one of the most fucking fun things in the world. And they'll stop them. Yeah. That's got to be one of the most fucking fun things in the world. I didn't see it.

What is it? No, it's just like the way I told it. It was pretty good. It's pretty good, yeah. It has to be one of the most fucking fun things in the world. Chasing drug runners. Yeah. In a helicopter.

In a helicopter on a boat. Yeah. Because the fucking boats they give the like. Yeah, it must be so cool to be a cop. The VA are badass. I bet it's awesome. Yeah. Rules. But a cop on the high seas. Yeah. Because the fucking boats they give the like... Yeah, it must be so cool to be a cop. The DEA are badass. I bet it's awesome. Just a cop in general. Yeah, yeah.

Rules. But a cop on the high seas... Yeah. It's literally like chasing pirates and shit. A coast guard. They probably have a fucking gun in the front.

Oh, 100%. Yeah. They do. And they fucking... They leech them. Yeah. When they drop off all these...

You know, there's like beaches where people like... You know, obviously there's like beaches where people like, you know, obviously there's like kilos that just wash ashore. Yeah, yeah. Every like big storm, it'll just churn up these old fucking kilos that were dropped off on old chases. He's got some, you know, some Betty and John holding hands, picking up seashells, coming

across a giant fucking batch of coke. I guess a lot of people do cocaine, huh? It's pretty popular. Cocaine rules, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Also, can you imagine? Three people died over the weekend, though, from a delivery service.

Really? Yeah. Oh, what, fentanyl? Yeah. Yeah, that's nuts. Yeah. Holy shit. I kind of can't believe some-

Who's using a delivery service? Are you talking about comics or people? No, just people. Oh. Just people. Well, yeah. That's happening, yeah, every day. Yeah. It's crazy, just people. Oh. Just people. Well, yeah. That's happening every day. Yeah.

It's crazy, though. Yeah, it's crazy. Aren't you afraid of that happening? No, I let everybody sniff it first. Yeah. I stare at them for a while. Okay. See them circle.

See if they get shifty in their legs. It is fun. I've done it twice in my life. It was fun. Yeah, you seem like you'd be great at it. Yeah. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. You got an attitude to really latch on a cocaine i am kind of surprised it's so popular though what yeah have you done it yeah yeah and it's like it's fun but like i don't know like it's kind of yeah i'm getting upset i wish i could only do cocaine really? Dude If I was in the 80s Don't you wish there was a better delivery system? Yeah The nose Up the nose Well you could throw it in your ass Yeah

Throw it in your ass Do you know what? I've done saline before You put it in a You get across the room And someone just Yeah Winds up

Throws a four seam Crow hops a napalm In your asshole How do you get it up your asshole? Somebody blows it up your asshole? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I've never done it. I've done it to somebody though. Really? It's pretty fucking hard. And were they like, whoa. That's fun. Yeah. Because the blood vessel and the way it absorbs into the body.

So you put it in your mouth and you blow it? I've done that too. Oh, yes. Yeah. Yeah. You just take a straw. A straw. Yeah.

You load the front. And it's the same kind of rush? Right in the Kornhauser. It's the same kind of rush? It the Kornhauser it's the same kind of rush it's not like it doesn't take a while to like

it's a lot faster really yeah yeah and this is the fastest the shortest time right to your yeah yeah

right to your skull right to your glow yeah damn damn I'm fucking

water right now so it takes a while let's get a bag yeah let's blow it up each other's assholes 100%

that's on the Patreon Patreon we're blowing coke up our asses numbers explode blowing up each other's assholes. 100%. That's on the Patreon. Patreon, we're blowing coke up our asses. Numbers explode. You gotta go take a shower because you've been moving all day.

I gotta wash you up. Yeah. No, dude, it's, do you think there's ever like a couple on the shores of like, you know,

South Florida that were just like a normal couple, never touched touched stuff come across a nice package brick yes and they're like what do we do do we call the cops and like you we should call the cops and one's like why don't we just aren't you worried about like something bad happening I'm sorry I did it I did interrupt you so the when they cut it open one takes a little a toot you know yeah and then he starts going like holy shit Deborah try it fucking try it

Debbie tries it and then that's just their thing. They're just gone. Now they have literally two years worth of cocaine for their intake, their tolerance levels. Yeah.

I bet. Odds are somebody took enough cocaine or found enough cocaine where they just was like, this is our life now. Yeah. They changed the way they dressed

slowly lost their teeth and their family definitely i mean i i always wonder about that right it's like if you found a giant brick of cocaine right one like washed up on the shore maybe two just like fucking yeah just bags do you think you'd be able to safely move that uh if you already live in that area, 100%. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, I'm down the beach. Do you think you'd get caught?

I'm wrapping a towel. What? You're wrapping a towel, and you act like it's a fucking radio. Yeah, put it in the cooler. Yeah. Yeah, throw it in the cooler, whatever the fuck. They're sandwich bag taped back and forth with duct tape. There's nothing worse than

getting liquid on a dry coke you don't think anyone's coming looking for you no what i'm saying is the storms the storms so it's dude this is thousands and thousands of drug runs the storm laundered the cocaine well when they kick shit up yeah that has just been floating or maybe buried yeah kicks it up and then you just find it and nobody knows that you have it and they all look the same you know exactly what you're fucking getting well what if you had like a massive amount do you think you'd be able to stretch it over a couple years just slowly sell it because you couldn't sell it all at once right then i wouldn't sell it yeah i only tell my friends and you would just do it you get like

retirement taken care of. You'd get retatted. You'd get fucking retatted. Yeah, it'd be bad. I'm sorry, Mike. What were you saying? Am I afraid? Are you afraid of dying?

Yeah. You're not doing it that much anymore. No, no. Yeah, yeah. Once every three, four months. And it is pretty safe as long as you let a group of people do it before you. You also got to know a guy. You know a guy that's not...

You got a guy that you know exactly where it's coming from you know what you know what he's about like true drug dealers it's not like heroin yeah they don't want to kill a few people so all the other druggies are chasing this fucking dragon yeah killing someone with cocaine it's not a good look for the dealer they can come after you legally. Right. So, you know, if you're in transactions, text messaging, calling, and all that stuff, it comes back on him immediately. He's fucked. So I'm not worried about that.

But everyone who's died had to get it probably from someone they know, right? Like a safe guy that had to be like a dude that was like, you don't think so? Absolutely not. It's people going like, yo, it's just some fucking derelict going like, yeah, I got something. And it's like been stepped on seven times. He got it from somewhere else.

Started handing it off. You know, it's like asking somebody at Skank Fest. Yeah. You want a hit of this? It's like, I'm good, dude. I don't know what the fuck. Surprisingly enough, Skank Fest, pretty safe drugs. Yeah, but you're only doing...

Nobody's died. Nobody died at Skank Fest. Acid mushrooms? Yeah. But it's like that shit can get laced with stuff too. We took a pill or something. I did take Molly that I was up for at least 15 hours. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you take Molly at all? Do you get fucking... No. What do you do, Mike? Yeah, are you... Are you fun? I hang out with my kid.

Yeah. Do you drink? No, not really. Yeah, I drink. Yeah. Yeah, I like drinking. But I don't drink with my kid. Do you drink? No, not really. Yeah, I drink. Yeah. Yeah, I like drinking. But I don't drink that much. What kind of drink?

I like whiskey. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Regular whiskey? Bourbon? Rye? Yeah, bourbon on the rocks. Bourbon and rye on the rocks.

There you are. Yeah. I also, I just organized my Tupperware at home. Dude, no joke. I just bought a Tupperware set that I'm very excited about. A set? A whole set. Yeah, that's great.

I just bought a whole set. I'm very excited about it. That's going to be positive. I totally understand this. Yeah. No, because you want to save food and you're like, oh, I don't have the fucking lid. Yeah. But now it's like you put the leftovers in the freezer.

You got meals. Is it one with the locks? Is it like the lock one? Yeah. Yeah. That's nice. Well, I got some glass ones. I got both. And then You got meals. Is it the one with the locks? Is it like the lock one? Yeah. Yeah. That's nice. Well, I got some glass ones. I got both.

I got glass. Yeah. I got the eight bowl glass with the lids. I got the locks and I have the plastic throwaways. Yeah. For somebody you're like, you know, here's some cheesecake. Yeah. I don't want to see that tupperware anymore and it's easy to let go of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like glad shit. Yeah, yeah. That's very, that's. But I have the Rubbermaid with like the lid where like where, like, you close the lid and you hear, like, where the air comes out. I used to have the button system. The burp? The patented burp?

Yeah, all the fucking... All the wine... The white women wine drunks that used to throw these fucking parties. Yeah. In, like, the 90s. Oh, yeah. There was one set where, like, you'd push a button and it would remove all the oxygen from, you know, it was like air sealing.

Yeah. And it would just like... That's an investment in yourself, new Tupperware. 100%. Yeah. And it really makes a difference. I walk differently. Yeah.

I get a new ship and a Tupperware. Yeah. Baby. Yeah. Is it just for leftovers? I have a bunch of meals in my freezer. I have stock, but then I also have soup and then some sausage and potatoes. Are you doing big stocks?

Are you doing big chicken stocks? Yeah, I do like doing that, yeah. Fuck yeah. Do you have... This is my next big purchase for Luganish. Pressure cooker. No. I do need a pressure cooker.

Because I have one. I don't use it that much, but it's good. I'm trying to offload this air fryer. Air fryer is useless. That's what people don't... I don't know. You made wings with it one time. It was fucking dope.

They're great, but you don't need to do that shit. I can fucking... It seems like kind of a fad. It is a fad. Yeah. It's exactly a fad. It's like getting a Nordic track. But it seems like really overhyped.

It's a Nordic track. It's a Nordic track. For a beefy woman that's going to dry her clothes eventually on it. Yeah. She's not going to use it. Yeah. My mother-in-law gave us one, like the Emeril Lagasse air fryer. Yeah, get the fuck out of here.

But it's like, we have an oven, you know? Yeah, it's the same thing. It takes a little longer, but... Or deep fry in a fucking... Deep fry, yeah. oven you know yeah it's the same thing it takes a little longer deep fry in a fucking deep fry yeah but i'm gonna get one of the big industrial uh restaurant pots like you know the 18 inches oh yeah big boys i have i want to do big i want to do like two chicken stocks okay yeah freeze half and then freeze it yeah i want a whole octopus yeah yeah i've cooked a whole octopus in there i could cook a...

I cooked an octopus in the Le Creuset. You know, it's nice because the regular kitchen pots, they don't make a ton of stock because it cooks down a lot. You think you start off with a lot, and then once you're done... You're using a whole bird. Yeah. A whole...

A whole carcass. Yeah, and then you're using, what, one stalk of celery? Sure. What, eight eight ten carrots how much two bulbs of garlic yeah I fucking I over herb it

okay and then I got cheesecloth and I wrap all the herbs yeah cook that all for what two hours yeah hour and a half

yeah I'm glad your listeners are learning something you know what I don't give a fuck right now Mike because I don't give a fuck either

no this is good actually you're welcome I care about. Actually, you're welcome. I care about this stuff. There's a lot of people that were like, oh, that's interesting. Yeah. Yeah. There's going to be one asshole like, basketball?

Fuck off, guys. Suck my dick. No, I'm actually really enjoying this conversation because everything else in my life has been so fucking weird. Let's go. Let's go. Hold on a second. That's nice. I'm just in charge of my kitchen at home. let's go let's go hold on a second that stability is nice like yeah

I'm just like in charge of my kitchen at home so like I make you know I make food I'll roast a chicken and then I'll like cut it up and I'll take the bones

and I'll make stock out of the bones and then like with the left you know make chicken salad or something dude stock homemade stock

is so exceptionally better obviously oh it's so much better yeah that's such an obvious comment but like yeah if you were to have

a taste testing I used some store bought chicken broth the other day like it looks like cum it is it's so much better yeah obvious comment yeah like yeah if you were to have some chicken broth i used some store-bought chicken broth the other day like it looks like cum it is it's like waggling yeah put fucking ingredients in there thicken it up and shit but like even if i used to buy i buy the bouillon cubes the um yeah the concentrated little square you like those sodium levels no yeah it's crazy it's in a pinch but if i'm doing a long stew yeah if i'm cooking for three, four hours, toss them in there just to incorporate some flavors, but I don't add salt to the meats if I'm using those cubes. You have to balance out what you normally would do. I don't salt any of the proteins because I know what this one tiny cube is gonna do to

the actual flavor once everything's reduced and all the moisture's removed. 0.30. Yeah. I've been doing bolognese and chili in the oven and that's not you whoa you cook the put the oven at like 300 lit it uh like a gap on the lid yeah half and half yeah yeah and then you just like cook it for like three hours or whatever yeah michael come do the look at this yeah you should because i know you're a cook yeah you do you're a pasta guy right you used to push pasta out of a back of a Nissan sauce yeah yeah sauce what I say pasta oh dude yeah that'd be nice it's making but homemade pasta so

much work yeah it's nice but it's a lot no if you're cooking for a lot of people to like run it through the machine yeah and roll it out. We did it live. It only took about like 40 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did a Puttanesco and a Fettuccine. What do you have a cooking show or something?

Yeah. I'm almost insulted you haven't asked me to. Yeah, come on. I know. We haven't done it in a while. October's been fucking crazy. October's been a crazy month.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. November I think is also going to be crazy. It's going to be off to a crazy start. I know that. Well, yeah. This week we're going to go back. November, I think, is also going to be crazy. It's going to be off to a crazy start. I know that. Well, yeah. This week we're going to the Phillies' first World Series game.

That's what we're doing. Then we're going to go to Indiana. Who are they playing? Huh? The Astros. Yeah. The cheating cunts, asterisks. It's a no-no.

The whole country's rooting for Philly for the first time ever. That's how hated these motherfuckers are they did shit like this what about when they beat the Patriots though when they beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl a few years ago

the Eagles oh yeah that's probably that's close but there's so many Patriots are like the Cowboys where like you know you'll get like

fucking Swedes and Mexicans wearing fucking Patriots gear because they're a winning team right yeah they've gotten too good they've been too good for too long now. There's too much. They need a 9-11.

Boston needs a 9-11. Boston needs a 9-11. The bombing wasn't enough because they're still cocky about shit. You've got no fucking championship banners. You do need a good terrorist attack to humble your students. You really do, dude.

Well, that Philly's kind of overdue for one. Yeah. An attack? Yeah. Yeah, true. We haven't had a good one. No. Yeah. No, I mean, I don't think terrorists even know about, I don't think they even know about Philadelphia. It's such a terrible town, they don't want to come through. Yeah. It's not true. It's a great

town. Great restaurants. It is a great town. Yeah. Michelin star chefs. Yeah. Incredible bars. They'd be so disappointed with the result. Like, if we got hit with the terrorist attack there's no offense but yeah it just wouldn't mean as much yeah the whole country would be like man yeah yeah boston it's the same thing as philly you fucks yeah yeah it's the same thing no that's why people literally the same thing it is the same thing but mckeever said boston is philadelphia spelled differently yeah it was the most brilliant way to say it's true it's the same exact influx of immigrants it's the same pods of Italians what about the Irish the colleges though maybe people think it but Philly's a huge college town

too people don't know that Philly I think how do you not know that what people a lot of people don't Pen LaSalle St. Joe's Temple Temple suck my dick yeah you dick That's all in like Five mile radius Jefferson You got like Yeah yeah That's a hospital It's a university I know but nobody There's a hospital Inside the university

Yeah Anyway Yeah apparently Apparently Philly's A bigger college town Than Boston Yeah Boston There's more

College students in Philly Yeah yeah Than in Boston Talk I guess it's because of like yeah Harvard or whatever yeah there's more prestigious schools there for sure what would Boston's 9-11 be yeah they don't need to build a building like every Dunkin Donuts yeah yeah blown up at the same time yeah Boston's 9-11 would just be Starbucks moves in, takes over. A million black guys moving into all their good bars.

Yeah, yeah. That's the most racist town I've ever met in my life. Yeah. Oh, my God. Boston? Yeah. You've been to Boston? Jersey's pretty racist.

Jersey's racist, but it's cute racism. It's cartoonish racism that you see on television shows. Yeah, yeah. Because of Watts. It's like Archie Bunker kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's because of Italians. Right. Italians ruin... We we don't really feel it no you don't we just think because it's fun yeah yeah because it's fun and our and our dads do it yeah of course we don't

really feel that way no yeah we're too similar to black people like yeah big dicks yeah big dicks yeah yeah great with plants, cheating on our wives. Display. Mike, this is display, buddy. You know what this is? No. It's wall art. Okay.

It's just metal. And you don't fuck up the drywall. You can cover up all the car keys being thrown. The fist going through the wall when the Phillies lose. And all you got to do is put a little sticker on the wall. That's cool. Attach this. And then we got sent these.

I would stare at something like that. Isn't this great? Yeah, I would just come. Look over there. We got the butcher one for beef. And then it's like how to cook it. Yeah. This is pig.

This is the type of woman that you'd show up to move her couch and she'd suck you off. That's her. That is something I want to do at some point is like watch a butcher take apart a pig in person. A pig in person. Yeah, yeah. And just like show all the cuts and everything. Jesus. Same with like a cow.

There's YouTube videos. Yeah, but I feel like in person. What? You've been watching Dahmer a lot? No, I just like, I don't know. I'm interested. It is very interesting. Yeah, yeah. I am. I'm busting balls. It's so crazy. Have you ever gone watching Dahmer a lot? No, I just like, I don't know. I'm interested. It is very interesting. Yeah, yeah.

I am. I'm busting balls. It's so crazy. Have you ever gone to like a pig roast? No. Would you want to see him do it to a dog?

No. No. Yeah, I've seen it to a live pig and not a dog. Because it's mostly about like there's a, if you've ever been

to a pig roast, they're like, it starts off as a pig and you're like, this is wrong that we're doing this. This is not okay. Because you see it before it gets cooked. Yeah, and then it starts getting cut up, and you start recognizing things from the grocery store.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And you're like, oh, that looks good. Oh, it's food. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was my daughter's Christmas.

It was weird, because i felt super conflicted lately about like eating meat and stuff because uh you know i don't know i just i just like feel bad about it think about like i like my dog a lot so yeah those are animals too that's what they say they say it takes something you know extravagant yeah to like have an experience like that you have to see like a dolphin get murdered in person you're like i'm not gonna eat fish anymore yeah Yeah. Yeah. But then I went to a petting zoo and I was like, I don't give a fuck about any of these animals. Yeah.

Well, petting zoo was like. I don't know. They just didn't do it. Like I wasn't like, oh, I feel bad for them. Well, they're spoiled. Petting zoo. They're so spoiled. Yeah.

This is like a select. I didn't like it. But you're fucking rich kids. They are. They're the fucking. It's a bunch of goats going. They're didn't like any of the animals really. A bunch of fucking rich kids. They are. It's a bunch of goats going, ah. They're the UCB kids of animals. They're rich kids with no talent, and they're just getting fed all day long without having to do anything.

And do anything, yeah. Yeah. So these fucking weird fish-eyed goats are just jumping on top of an old car, and you feed them this shitty corn that makes your hands smell like shit for like a week and a half. And they're like more, please. Yeah. And they keep doing it.

Yeah. Yeah. And there's always the one, it is like improv kids. The one, the one bull that's always pissed that you're walking around. I love the, I love the,

I love like the very obvious, like fucking social dynamics of like a, a pen full of goats and shit, you know? Cause there's the one male who thinks he's the fucking, he genuinely thinks he's the best dude in town. Yeah. And just you walking over to him,

pisses him off. And it's like, dude, I could kick your ass. Yeah. You hit him with a belt. You don't even recognize that you're in a pen. Yeah.

But I have been watching these. I follow, watch, follow a lot of, it's also like, I'm not trying to fuck your women. Well, they don't know that. Jesus Christ.

Listen, you're trying to logically speak to a fucking cow. Yeah, would you just chill? I'm not trying to steal your... Relax. I'm not going to touch her. I'm not trying to interfere with your harem of ghosts. Well, he saw the farmer fuck his wife. That's probably what happened.

He's like, hold on, there's another one. That would be funny. It's like anytime you walk onto a farm and you see the male is very defensive about the woman, it's because the farmer fucked the woman. You see a hairy cow nestling to its owner, just wanting to be petted. It's so adorable that it does change. I think if I took a week on a farm. Yeah.

And got to know these people that raised it just for milk. And then when the time comes, it's not just for, you know, industrial slaughter. It's like a different relationship, I think. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Yeah, there's a girl that went fucking viral for. The emu? Yeah, the emu. Yeah. Yeah. She's a girl that went fucking viral for... The emu? Yeah, the emu. Yeah.

Yeah. She's adorable. She's so cute. And she loves so many different variants of animals. Yeah. And species of animals. It's like you watch her interact and they all have personalities. So this emu reacts to her in a loving way.

It's not just a fucking weird bird. Yeah. And you're like, oh shit. Chickens too. Chickens are kind of people people yeah have connections and they all live in the same fucking house yeah so then the squirrels just like chasing around a fucking billy goat yeah and the billy goat just like runs into a dog the dog's like on the back of a cow and a monkey's like these guys all love each other and they can be together. Instead, we're like... Like fucking...

Yeah. Yeah. Let's throw that on the fucking grill. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, you... I gotta get this out. All right.

You want me to read it? No. Yeah. All right. You read it. You read and I hold it. Sorry, Mike. Yeah.

This is the 9-11 of comedy. Looking for something different to cover up that hole in your wall? Display it as the metal poster you want in every room. Do the mandatory. It only takes 20 seconds to hang a display. Because it's metal. So you just put a magnet on the wall and you stick it to it. So you don't have to put little tacks and shit like that.

It's very easy. How does the magnet get on the wall? You just peel it off and stick it. Yeah. So then the magnet's fucking up the drywall. Yeah. No, you can take the sticker off. You can take the sticker off. Yeah. All easy. How does the magnet get on the wall? You just peel it off and stick it. So then the magnet's fucking up the drywall. No, you can take the sticker off. You can take the sticker off. I'll show you.

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you know be cool if sheath underwear had like an alarm on You know what would be cool? If sheath underwear had an alarm on it that reminded you you were wearing the sheath underwear so they go, remember, remember, you don't need to pull your whole balls out when you take a piss later. And it just goes off at random times during the day. Did you know anybody that pulled their pants all the way down when they pissed?

Yeah, I remember in kindergarten I saw a kid's ass because he was like, I walked in the bathroom and I saw a kid's ass because I walked in the bathroom, and his pants pulled all the way down. I was so scared of seeing his ass again that I would just piss myself every day. Hold on. That's crazy. You thought you were doing the wrong thing by seeing his bare ass.

Yeah, I didn't ever want to see his ass again. Yeah. So I would just piss myself. Why were you so traumatized by a little boy's butt? I don't know. It was just awkward. Oh, there's another one. BetterHelp. Another sponsor. Yeah, yeah. Do you talk to somebody? No. No. I would like to, I guess. Yeah, I think you should after that comment. You think?

So instead of going to the bathroom and seeing fucking this dude's hiney, you dude's hiney. Yeah. You just wet your pants. Yeah. And what, what would happen after you wet your pants? You go home?

Yeah. Okay. So that's what you're doing. You're going, oh, all I got to do is piss my pants. I get back home. No, I would, I would finish the day. Really? Yeah.

I would wear like little gray sweatpants and I would just see like piss like drip down my, my leg. Would you try to like spill a drink to cover it up or anything like that? No. Would it be like old wax on the bark of a tree where there were old pistains? Or did your parents take care of your pants? I don't know.

I don't think they knew I was pissing my pants. They fucking knew. No, because my brother was diagnosed with autism around that time. So I think my mom was just totally like, check out. I was just pissing. Yeah, they're not my pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mom, I'm pissing my pants every day.

It's like, don't even worry about it. You got bigger fish to fry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That reminds me of one of my favorite Gilbert Gottfried jokes. He's like, I'm going to butcher this, but the idea was there's this guy at the bar, and he's drunk as fuck. And he's like, oh, my God, my wife's going to butcher this, but the idea was there's this guy at the bar and he's drunk as fuck. And he's like, oh my God, my wife's going to fucking kill me. Threw up all of my shirt.

I love that. I love this joke. Do you know this joke? Yeah, it's great. It's my favorite joke. He's like, that's all right. And he goes like, he's going nuts. And he's like, all you got to do is say someone threw up on you, put a $20 bill in your pocket and just tell them look they're paying for my dry cleaning and then when you go home your wife will

understand yeah then he gets home tells his wife somebody threw up on him am I correct so far yeah yeah yeah goes home tell somebody threw up all over his shirt and look he gave me $20 to get it dry cleaned. And he goes, and the wife goes, well, there's $50 in here. And he goes, he also shit my pants. Dude, so fucking good. I worked with Gilbert like three weeks. Obviously, like different years.

But dude, when I first saw him through all his... So he would come out and he would bomb for like 20 minutes trying to do like new shit. And he goes, and now for my old classics. And then destroy. Really? I mean like... Did he write those jokes though? Or they're street jokes?

They're street jokes, but he wrote them all. He did? Yeah, they're from like the 70s. He wrote them all. I'm almost certain of this. Really? I guess we'll find out in the comments from all these fucking basketball fans. Yeah.

You know, the guys that know everything. Yeah. No, I think he did. I guess it doesn't matter because he tells them so well. I mean, it would matter because no one would respect him you can't just have a fucking

it's hard to write a street joke though where do they even come from that's the point yeah but you're saying Gilbert Godfrey wrote them all I don't think so

there's no way he did it I would be like I think finding the origins of street jokes is like nearly impossible yeah yeah but because they change

they're like they're fucking there's no way he didn't there's no way every comic were like what are you fucking pulling up old street jokes on the internet and then like just doing this chewy thing there's guys yeah but he came up in a different time where i think you could probably do that i don't know no the 80s were like borscht belty kind of shit Like the 80s, everybody was stealing jokes from everybody in the 80s. You'd have those hacks in like fucking comedy cabarets in Jersey.

You wouldn't, this dude was headlining every fucking club, every major club. Yeah. Selling out every show. Like this dude was like the man. But I think you can like

tell street jokes, but so then did he write that, the aristocrats joke? Dude, I don't know. Because I think you can tell him in a way this corner i have no idea let's google it i can't imagine him not writing his own fucking dude i think there's i also think there's some jokes that genuinely like kind of don't have an author

you know what i mean yeah they like there some version of them started they like evolve the same way like people do you know what i mean where it's just like or any any organ is no bar yeah yeah yeah why the long face right that kind of shit you never know you get some like basic structure but then someone like someone can change it either intentionally or unintentionally they like they change the joke because they're just saying it wrong i change but it actually is funnier you know what i mean and that happens like a million times through over the course of a hundred years. It's like, this is a joke that, I don't know.

It's like, you don't even know where it came from or who originally told it. Two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it. Yeah. It's a great bit. I just made it up. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like I've heard that one before. Probably out of my mouth. Probably. But it's that easy to take a famous joke yeah and then just go how can i just modify you're right i totally agree with you yeah but his jokes are very elaborate the one with the no legs no arms woman on the beach no i don't think i've ever heard it it's this woman on the beach with no arms no legs and she's begging to for anyone that passes like

please i've i've never been. Will you please kiss me? And the guy's like, no, no, no, I don't want to kiss you. And then somebody walks by. He's like, please, please. Will you just? I've never been fucked. And he's like, fine. And he reaches in, picks her torso up,

tosses her in the ocean. He's like, now you're fucked. Yeah, but that's just like that's like a street joke i know yeah i know yeah but you gotta hear the way he tells the way you know yeah no it's but there's no way there's no way he's just ripping this shit off of a fucking a book in a library in fucking new hampshire i can see i can see him doing that i feel like there's a bunch of 80s comics but you never never hear anybody say, oh, Gilbert Gottfried's such an amazing joke writer. They did for years.

Because he's fucking 90, and he hasn't been on stage. But to me, he was always more of a performer than a... Yeah, there's a lot of those guys. Like Bobcat, Goldthwait, and like... Even Howie Mandel's stage. He's more of a performer than a writer. Yeah, 100%.

Just like... We'll find out. Yeah. You want to put money on it? Yeah. I'll pay you $100. You want to put $100 on than a writer. Yeah. A hundred percent. We'll find out. Yeah. You want to put money on it? Yeah. I'll pay you a hundred dollars. You want to put a hundred bucks on it? Yeah.

Yeah. I'll pay you a hundred bucks. Yeah. A hundred bucks. Yeah, that's nothing. Yeah. That's a strong fucking hand shake. Thanks.

Yeah, do you feel like you got adult dad strength? Yeah, he's definitely got that. Yeah, maybe. I'm getting weaker though. Your fucking arms are jacked. Thanks. You think you'll be able to... Yeah, he's definitely got dad strength. Yeah, maybe, but I'm also getting like... I think he always had it. I'm getting weaker though. Your fucking arms are jacked. Thanks. You think you'll be able to... Yeah, yours are good too.

We're both very jacked. Damn, dude. What kind of hair are you working with? Hair? Yeah, up top. Looks robust. No, no, no, no. I've got chest top.

Oh, all right. Damn. I've got a little chest here. That's pretty good. It's gray. It's going gray. I'm full gray on my chest now. It's a good look. Not full, but yeah. I'm gray to get a chest hair. Yeah. That's pretty good. It's gray. It's going gray. I'm full gray on my chest now. It's a good look.

Not full, but yeah. I'm graying quick. Yeah. When did you get chest hair? Jesus, 13? Probably like 15. Really? That's not true.

I think it was older for me. Probably like 17, 18. Yeah, probably 17, 18. Yeah. Do you not have chest hair? I do now, but I feel like it didn't come in until I was like in my 20s. Well, midges are different, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You people develop later in life. It wasn't until I was like in my 20s. Well midges are different dude. Yeah, you people develop later in life. It wasn't until I found my pot of gold that the chest hair was able to grow and I could finally mature. We don't have our editor or podcast producer here. What are we at? We're good. Alright.

Yeah, we got a few minutes. Can I grab my phone charger? Yeah, yeah. You got five minutes. We gotta finish it. Yeah, you can grab whatever you want, Mike. Yeah, grab my phone charger yeah yeah you got five minutes we gotta finish yeah you can grab whatever you want Mike yeah grab a phone charger

alright we'll do the we'll do the thing I just wanna have a charged phone cause it's two hours to get home from my from you know

where I live in Brooklyn it's not two hours but it's I gotta take like 45 minutes I gotta take like four trains to get home

why'd you take a oh you took trains yeah I'll buy you an Uber home nah come on. Yeah. It's too expensive. And the traffic's too bad.

Yeah, but the traffic's so bad that I think I'd rather just take the train. What time is it right now? It's 6.13. You'd rather take four trains? Are you out of your fucking mind? I guess I would take an Uber if you insist.

I'll buy you an Uber. Yeah, relax. But then you're gonna have to pay me when you find out Gilbert Gottfried and write his own jokes. Well, you know, you'll just split the difference

okay yeah you'll give me 50 plus 1 okay you're out of your mind thinking he didn't fucking write these jokes

that's like Dice Clay I don't know Dice Clay's jokes are fucking street jokes you think he wrote those though yes it's just

I don't know I just feel like the 80s like everybody was just kind of there was no like like going on the internet being like this guy stealss, like everybody was just kind of, there was no like going on the internet and being like, this guy steals.

I feel like it was just kind of. Yeah. Like Robin Williams stole his whole act. True. Yeah. Everybody was just stealing jokes from each other. Yeah. And probably raping.

Yeah. You know? It's a good point. Boomers don't have any like sense of honor. He also wasn't the first person to hang himself. So he got that from somebody too. Yeah. It's a good point. Boomers don't have any sense of honor or morality. He also wasn't the first person to hang himself, so he got that from somebody, too. Yeah.

Gilbert Gottfried hung himself? Robin Williams. Yeah. You think he's jerking off on you for that? Who did he get it from? Who was the first person to hang himself? Yeah, what a bummer. No one got to... Yeah.

Imagine if someone right before the lights went out, if someone walked in and was like, oh, not again. I'm guessing. I would guess. You're hacking this bit too? It was probably accident. Chris Cornell did it way better.

Is he dead? Yeah, I think he hung himself. Chris Cornell hung himself? Yeah, in a hotel room. Is that the singer of... Soundgarden? Soundgarden. Yeah.

Damn. Yeah. So there's this whole... It's not even a conspiracy. There's a thing about when you see news stories of hangings and suicides, if there's no note and no logical reasoning behind the suicide, it's oftentimes the family hiding their masturbation. No.

And what they're actually doing, and they actually just die. So they'll say, like, yeah, he killed himself. Right. I don't know. If I hang myself, I'm going to be like, I am not masturbating. I'm really hanging myself. No, I'm not some fucking pervert. Search the whole house. There's no lotion yeah yeah yeah you will

find no loads in my bedroom i'm really look through my internet this is deborah's fault yeah here's polaroids of me jerking off prior to killing myself dude yeah no it's it's a thing i don't know man i don't think i like would you be able to write a note yeah yeah because i if i if i commit suicide I have like four or five people that I'm going to blame for it. Well, kill them. Here's the best part about suicide. No, but they get to live with the guilt. The shame?

The guilt, yeah. You're putting a lot of self-worth on yourself. The odds are they're going to be like, yeah, he was a maniac. But see, if I wrote a note, it's my last note. If somebody said, yeah, if somebody said Chris O'Connor killed himself because Mike Racine disrespected him, you'd be like, oh, shit. Really? Your last note doesn't have to be like a Gilbert Godfrey joke.

You know what I mean? But you want it to be good. If you felt like it was good enough to be your last note ever, wouldn't you be a little bit proud of yourself? Yeah, less is more, dude. Proud enough that you wouldn't you be a little bit proud of yourself yeah less is more dude proud enough that you wouldn't go through with killing imagine having a buddy you could send your suicide note to and go like yo can you edit this yeah yeah let me know if it's we'll just find like a goth girl that works on hot topic he's not he doesn't he's approving your

suicide yeah the last blockbuster can you read my suicide don't know who else to ask for this I think about killing myself I don't want anyone delirium my family you give us a ring yeah and they don't edit it for content they're just looking at like punctuation yeah she just no it's like really good. Good luck. Thanks. No notes. Yeah. This is a weird place for a comma. This is a bit of a run on.

He's like, actually, that's just a tear. I'm sorry. Yeah, she's 14 and she writes better than you. Like they're worried someone's going to get bored halfway through and be like, I don't know. Yeah. Doesn't hit the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to open strong. Or you find like a Filipino girl on like Fiverr to do it for like $10 an hour.

That would be amazing. Dude. Suicide note. We should do that. Having Gilbert Gottfried do a cameo of your suicide note. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Unbelievable.

Yeah. That's inception. Yeah. Or I would have Giuliani. We not know he's reading your suicide note. Unbelievable. Yeah. That's inception. Yeah. Or I would have Giuliani. Not knowing he's reading your suicide note? I would have Giuliani do the cameo to my parents for the suicide note. It's like, they're sad that I'm dead, but they're happy that they got a cameo from Giuliani. Oh, boy.

Oh, my God. That would be so... Can you do that? There's got to be one person. They wouldn't even know. I'm sure he would. Yeah. It'd be funny to write it so that they didn't really realize

what they were reading until like halfway through. Yeah. If just the footage of that alone, having them stop and just start like. Just simply like, genie papa. I want to tell you that your son used to love you. He's like working the mic like a weird goofball. I didn't grow up to be the man i thought i

i had intentions to give you well uh all right let's go to the page