Stuff Island - Stuff Island #56 - sweet jasmine w/ Matteo Lane

Episode Date: November 30, 2022

Stuff Island #56 - sweet jasmine w/ Matteo Lane - Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are joined by the hilarious Matteo Lane to discuss candy crush, waiting on all fours, milking fake tits, an *all-time story* about a Jasmine Princess "action figure," pushing children down wells, Nick Cannon, Tara Reid, & much, much more. Enjoy! - Ad: EXPRESS VPN: visit http://expressvpn.com/stuffisland for 3 months free! - Follow @matteolanecomedy (YouTube) or IG: @matteolane for neat stuff - Full episodes also available on YouTube & bonus episodes are available on our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/stuffisland - Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch.. Each week they'll talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish & twice a month they live stream VR Golf and Onward with fans. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Thank you, and God bless Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

it looks wild that's insane i had no idea yeah yeah i had no idea about what times yeah they're learning yeah this is mine all right i've been looking for this in the middle of the couch yes what is that it's a chapstick it's very nice high-end chapstick the guys are aggressive over here on grinder oh yeah yeah you popped off as soon as you landed oh yeah you're a hungry boy yeah i'm just bored it's like candy crush not even like real anymore you know so what's up yeah who's showing us we're fine right yeah yeah was Bobby showing us yeah it was just like what he pulled

was it Grindr that he pulled up who was showing us that that app and it was just like just dicks everywhere yeah it's a lot it's pretty overwhelming I guess

but it's weird because you forget like I'll look at it literally like it's Candy Crush but I'm in like a CVS I'm like I need to like yeah really like pay attention

to where I'm putting my yeah it's like when you're watching porn the night before and you forget then you go to the coffee shop you're like I'm like, I need to really pay attention to where I'm putting my... It's like when you're watching porn the night before and you forget and you go to the coffee shop and you're like, I'm just going to check Instagram real quick. And then you open your phone and you're like, oh yeah! Oh my god. And it's also

dirtiest porn. You were like, I'm bored of porn so I got to go real dirty tonight to get this going. So what's your... I had that happen to me just quickly. I had that happen to me at work in a meeting, in a meeting. I,

but it wasn't even actual porn. It was just Instagram. Like it was one of those things where it like loaded for a second and then loaded a bunch of new shit. Yeah. So I opened it and it was like, and then switch. And I was like,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is Instagram. I used to get that complaint because I used to post so many thirst traps and my friends were like, I had to stop following you, Mateo, because everywhere I go, I open on my phone and there you are on your fucking jock strap. I'm like, look, I'm trying to get laid. It's working for Evan too, right? Evan's always shirtless.

Evan is always. I imagine this is the right direction. What's up? That's great, man. That's great. I know, man. It's disgusting. It's disgusting, man. But here we are, man. Here we fucking are, man.

Okay. That's unbelievable. Thanks, man. Thanks. You get laid on the road. Evan? I don't think so, no. Every time I'm with him, he's always with some dramatic girlfriend or something or some sort of drama's happening. Yeah.

He gives a shit. I wouldn't know anything about that. This is why gays do it right. We've always, first of all, we're pro-gay on this show. Are we? Yeah, we are. Look at your hair.

Yeah, of course we are. Jesus Christ. This is why I say you guys do right, is you just, you get in, you get out, you fuck, no drama. Is that really the case? Usually.

It just depends. Generally speaking, especially a Manhattan gay, it's like, how's two to three? Great. Really? That's incredible. You'll do afternoon sober fucks? Yeah, but it's not like a lot. Grindr doesn't mean I'm going to fuck.

It just means I'm looking around. I go on I go on and off grinder because I have to hide my face now because now every time I got kicked off grinder because I thought I was catfishing like you're not really okay Wayne I'm like but it is me and then they kick me off then I message grinder on Instagram like it's me and they're like we're sorry but then it becomes overwhelming and it's too much too much it wants too much too much, too quick. So like every blue moon, I'm like, yeah, I got a regular.

I'm like, what are you doing this week? I got job. What about that? I'll come to you. Fine. Okay. We'll work.

Okay. Yeah. Do you have a regular in every city? No, no, no. Just New York. I have one guy in Chicago,

uh, and maybe like three here. Not that many, like, like maybe ish, regular ish for you. I'd like to date. I have a lot of guys i flirt

with i mean i'm on instagram like there's so many guys i'm gonna marry but they live in brazil so it's like yeah what am i gonna yeah argentina brazil chile colombia you know what i mean every once in a while when i get really sad i'll stick in the same thing when i get really lonely i'll follow a girl on brazil like from brazil yeah I'll just find some girl in Brazil and follow her. See if she follows me back. I don't like the start of a conversation. It's so funny. Like I'll get, I'll get some random ass DM from clearly a bot or something.

And I click it to see how legitimate this woman is. She's a smoke show. And let's just say followed by Chris O'Connor. Yeah. Yeah. 80% of the bots are followed by Chris O'Connor. I went through, I went through and went through i went through and deleted i went through and deleted a bunch i got in a hole where it's just like fucking i'm just following

people yeah you gotta see the pics yeah you're really you're really showing them you said that like you're really no no i'm not i'm not sticking it to him i was just like you can't be doing this you know what i mean i can't have a fact that i'll be following a thousand people and 900 of these or sometimes i'll be like flirting with a guy and we're trying to make plans but then they I can't be following a thousand people and 900 of them be bots. Or sometimes I'll be flirting with a guy and we're trying to make plans, but then they don't. And then I'm looking back at how desperate I looked. I'm like, I'll just block this person so I can't go back and look at this humiliation.

They're like, did you block me? What's the worst one you had? Grinder date. It was a date. Like a grinder fuck? like a meeting not the sex just how fucked up it was

I'm not having that much interaction to be able to like think like the worst I don't know give me a minute to think about it obviously not enough so that's great yeah the fact that you don't have I should be getting fucked more it's like doing Santa for 10 years and someone going what's your worst show and you're like you don't have... I should be getting fucked more. It's like doing stand-up for 10 years and someone going, what's your worst show?

And you're like, I don't have an example. I do. Exactly. That's what I'm thinking. Worst grinder. Well, sometimes you get there and the vibe's not what you thought it was going to be. And then you just chit-chat and you're like, well, actually, one guy was really hot. He came over to my house

and he was really nervous. And I was like, do you want coffee or anything? He's he was British he's like I'm just gonna say this I've just gone through a breakup and I don't think I'm ready for this and I was like okay we don't have to do anything like we can watch a fucking Christmas movie I don't give a shit he's like no you're really attractive or you're really

hot but I've gotta go I was like okay see you later no big deal I get it no shame go. I was like, okay, see you later. No big deal. I get it. No shame. Fuck. Right, right, right. I feel like some of my most awkward experiences are like one of those moments where genuinely the girl

is like, just come over and let's fuck. And I get over there and I'm just like, ah, this is like I can't just come over and fuck you. That's like monstrous. You know what I mean? It's not. So then I start trying to make like a little chit chat to like warm like monstrous. You know what I mean? It's not. So then I start trying to make like a little chit chat to like warm up the situation. You know what I mean? And then it's awkward.

St. Louis Cardinals aren't doing that well this year, huh? And he wants you to lingerie. Yeah. Holding a point of French toast. Yeah, dude. And then it's like, it's chaos because I'm just like chatting up and she's like are we i think that's a sign of of a true heart you know what i mean i think you're caring you're kind in that moment but you don't just want to bust a door open like a fucking hotel room

just start burying assholes you gotta be like that's how we do it i know that's why i'm saying yeah you know kidding if a girl on all fours on the bed yeah yeah what would how would you respond to that you just walk in she's like I'm gonna be all fours on the bed just fuck me no would you be would you talk about the Cardinals then

yeah I'm not dude anytime you see Chris do this he's I'm sorry is this too stressful no no no it's just one of those dude. Anytime you see Chris do this, he's coming out with something bad. I'm sorry. Is this too stressful? No, no, no, no. It's just one of those things where it's like, sometimes you have these like wild sexual fantasy, you know, like really getting like aggressive in the bedroom or something like that.

And then you run into a girl who wants that. And you're like, I can't do this every time I got to like get up and pretend I'm furious. You know what I'm smacking around. I can't. That's role playing. It's too much energy. Role playing can be fun. It is. It is. But it's just,

I feel like if I walked into a room and someone was on all fours ready to take it, I'd be like, whoa. I would flip into like therapist mode or something. I'd be like, what are you doing? Are you saying that's never happened in your life?

Walked into a room, someone's on all fours? No. I'm not the guy you do that to that's interesting you know what i mean no one no one meets me and is like this guy just wants to go they're just like they're just so scared they're like i gotta i gotta front face i gotta keep it i mean i've got friends who are blowing their uberats guy when he comes over. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Is it any Uber Eats guy or they got a specific one? It was a specific one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He came back and they gave each other the look, the gay look. Yeah. And then there you go. It's like inflated around their knees. That's incredible.

That's like, I don't know. That's like hearing a story. I'm not saying this is every gay, by the way. No, no, no. I'm making a horrible generalization of my people It's probably most You've walked into a room someone's been on all fours Yes

I'll show you a picture in 10 minutes Yeah He's got like crazy hot chick vibes Doesn't he? He dresses well he's got the hair He looks good Are you gay you straight I already said that

I wish I was gay. Same. I wish I could release all of this fucking tension. Yeah, I feel like straight guys hold on to a lot of tension. Well, there's this animalistic... What's that book? Me, My Body, Myself.

Animal Farm? No, it's about just animalistic what's that book uh me my body myself animal farm no no it's about just having an animalistic nature around sex just being like you know we're all animals and it's understandable to be attracted to to whatever you like yeah and that doesn't mean you act on it but like you should have a constant need to get off with yourself or with another i'm trying to get out of this i'm just i'm patiently waiting i wish i would want you to say a word i'd love to see where this goes go ahead yeah you're talking about the duality of man no no sex it's called sex primal urges you got intellectual needs real sex on hbo for that show oh my god what a wrong impression

of what i thought sex was gonna be when i was a kid watching real sex i was like is this being adults like oh no this was just taxi cab confessions was good too i'll never forget this girl being like and once I got my breast implants My tits don't stop leaking milk So I have to milk my fucking self Every fucking three weeks And I was like What?

You signed the waiver? Meanwhile she was eight months pregnant Also I'm getting fatter And I don't know why And I don't know my period Something fell out of my pussy And now I feed that the milk. She still doesn't get it. The girls in third grade.

No, there'd be two people, two fucking wild animals in like AC just like blowing each other in a fucking in the back of a taxi cab on HBO. What? Yeah, it's the first time I like I had a primetime jerk off station in high school. I was like, let's go. Because it was so hot. The stories were so hot. Even when there was two women or one woman, the guy was so charismatic in a scumbag way.

He'd be like, so what's your worst work at night? Kind of like how I am. And she'd be like, well, one day. And then she would just tell stripper and hooker stories. Dude, I don't think I saw porn with volume until I was 20. Yesterday. That's why you're so tense. Turn the volume up.

It was just silent squiggly porn for most of my childhood. Yeah, I know. Emmanuel in Space, totally silent. You know, no volume. Emmanuel in Space, it was on like Showtime. Is that a Disney channel? Sounds like Phil of the Future.

It's a Pixar film. Emmanuel in Space. Little Mermaid just getting ripped of cartoons. Dude, I used to have a little action figure, Jasmine, from... You really reveal a lot. I love this. Me too.

Why don't you start scratching the eyes? He's going to fire off. I would jerk off and too. Let us have a little action video. Why don't you start scratching the ice? I'm telling you, he's gonna fire off. I would jerk off and come in her face in the bathroom. Are you serious? I swear to God. I swear to God. No joke.

In like high school, dude. What? Yeah. So you already had the internet by then. Cut his mic, dude. I wanna have a career. Cut his mic. In high school, dude. What? Yeah. So you already had the internet by then. Cut his mic, dude. I want to have a career. Cut his mic. In high school,

you're beating off on little Ariel's. Yeah. Jasmine. Jasmine. Not Ariel. What a difference. Jasmine had legs.

So I'm not gay. Yeah. Good for you no because I like this is so dark no because I never wanted to do my homework and my mom was always all in my ass

about doing my homework and the only place I could hide would be in the bathroom which I didn't get the internet in the bathroom because it's all landline shit but you did get Jasmine I had Jasmine and you old Jasmine the banyan dude the bathroom because all landline shit but you did get jasmine dude well think about it like what guys had to get a jack off to before the access of our fucking phone i mean come on twitter now i mean twitter i don't have a real twitter i just i just follow porn in the news which is weird to follow those two together but um yeah it's like there's

just endless amounts of porn. Just like, Joss, man, getting railed on my phone. And I'm looking at it like I'm just going... I know. It's scrolling through Instagram. Growing up the way we did and the way I did...

Back in my day. I can beat off to imagination. These kids are polluted with constant gratification. I can beat off to imagination. Yeah. You know, these kids are polluted with constant gratification. I find myself still watching porn, jerking off to things that I'm imagining.

You know what I mean? Like I'm watching porn, but I'm also imagining other times of fuck people. Whoa. I love that. Everything you said, you look at us, your eyes are saying YouTube.

Yeah. And we're both like, bullshit. If there was an ejection button, we'd both be through the fucking ceiling. Yeah, my parachute would be out. It'd be something we warn our guests. If Chris looks easy, he's redone. I love that you're admitting all this.

It's fantastic. That's the truth. It's great. It's the goddamn truth. It's my fault. I brought it up. I was like, Ryan, great it's the god damn it's truth it's my fault I brought it up I was like Ryan I'm sorry

I brought it up this is all my Jasmine is my fault I'm sorry please forgive me no one way or another but looking at a miniature version

of a woman and then hammering out to completion in your parents bedroom as a teenager it's incredible it's so insane.

That's Jasmine? Oh, I get it. It was hot. Jasmine was hot. She was hot. Jasmine and Aladdin. Is she the hottest one? I think, well, I'm...

I think she had white pants, the action figure that I have. I guess she was. Maybe she did it blue and ended up white. I'll tell you that. I don't know. Yeah, because Aladdin

was the hottest prince. Yeah. Jasmine was up there. Jasmine, I you that. Yeah, because Aladdin was the hottest prince. Jasmine was up there. Jasmine, I think Sleeping Beauty is really pretty. Sleeping Beauty is great. Yeah, she's a little too like white. Not as sexual.

Yeah. Yeah, you gotta go ask me. She looks ethnic. From Alia Babwa. Whatever. What was it called in Aladdin? Ali, Ali, Ali, Ali, Ali. Prince Ali, yes it is he.

Not as you know him. Oh, and I'm doing the Jafar. I'm so gay, I'm doing the Jafar version. The reprise. Read my lips and come to grips with reality. Every time I hear him sing, I want to hate it. And I love it so much. You're very talented. Thank you.

I haven't watched Aladdin in fucking forever. Does it hold up? It's good. The music's good. I think it's a little cringy. It's a little cringy because Robin Williams I mean, Robin was so talented, but there's all yeah, it's not for the faint

of heart, I guess, but it's not like Dumbo where there's like pure racism, but you know, it's There's racism in Dumbo? Yeah, remember the crows? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wait,, it's, um, there's racism. Yeah. Remember the crows? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Um, so it's a bunch of black guys beating up an elephant. No, no, but they were, yeah, it's not, they're just,

yikes. Explain yourself guys. No, I think they're just like, uh, well, like in Peter Pan, they had the,

the Native American song. Remember? I mean, it was like, it was like you know it was the 1950s so but Jasmine no but everyone likes Aladdin and Jafar's fun and Genie's fun I don't know why they did live version it was such a bad movie and first of all an all middle eastern cast and a Philly Genie and secondly like

it was so underwhelming and poorly directed and no like the whole time you're watching it, like what is the point of this? Like just a shittier version of the animated film. Yeah. I saw, what did I say?

I saw one of those animated. What's the frozen. I saw that live on Broadway. You saw frozen on Broadway. Yeah. And were you, were you going to jack off to them? Like I'll make some snow for you.

That I went for the, that I went for the sheer art of it. What brought you there my niece loves the movie we went as a family was there a part of you when she was singing let it go that you were like I'm really feeling this and I don't want to emote right now

I don't want to reveal that I'm about to cry I didn't love that movie I'm not a big Frozen guy I didn't think there was really a plot there was really a plot There was a plot. I mean kind of but I didn't I didn't Criticizing frozen Yeah, I don't know Yeah, yeah, there was something about the relationship between the two sisters I didn't I didn't buy okay

Seconds ago you us you jacked off on a Jasmine towel but yes it sort of stains the rest of your criticisms well we agreed about Renoir Renoir sucks Renoir does suck if you like Renoir you were told to like him

have you ever beat off an old baby I can't beat off any of his paintings. That's the problem. That one you could probably get through. No one would notice. The Syrah? Yeah. She looks like she's got a big butt

on the right of the Syrah painting. The park, what is it called? A day at the park? Yeah. Afternoon on Le Grand Jatte. And the only person looking at you is the little girl. Yeah.

Asking for help. I think the big butts are supposed to be a sign of a prostitute. No, they're bustles back then. Look, this is just what I read somewhere. Apparently all those are supposed to be because the

monkey in the bottom corner, I think that's supposed to be like something about prostitution or something I don't I don't know that's just what I heard that's just what I heard a day at the park

with Spice-a-Rock maybe that's a cat yeah in the Chicago school the Art Institute of Chicago I just can't get over the fact you're

beating off on a little character why? well we were desperate we were desperate times desperate times I jerked off to a JCPen Why? Well, we were desperate. We were desperate times. Listen, I jerked off to a JCPenney catalog for like 10 years. And you have to. The underwear section. Yeah. Didn't you put a sock in a glass bottle and fuck it? Yeah.

Why a glass? You wanted some shape too. Well, the only plastic glasses or plastic cups we had were from like Eagles games or Phillies games from the stadium. And they're like big 32 ouncers. I wasn't hitting 32 ounces at 13. So I took a long

glass like this that had like a nice taper to it. Imagine if it broke. I know. I didn't think about that. We weren't thinking. No one was thinking about it. And I put a little sunglass holder, that silky sunglass holder. Oh, smart. Inside, wrapped it around, put it in between the cushions,

got down on both nizzes. How did you get... And give it a little pump-a-lump. Did you get like a rubber band on the outside? How did you get to stay on the outside of the cup? No, the fact that

this is the question, but it has a, it has a, like a draw, you know, like a... Oh, you tighten the drawstring around the, okay, nice.

Yeah. And for a while it worked. That's a good... Yeah. Shut the lights out. You can imagine all your crushes. Ariel. Fucking a bag of Oakleys.

Next. Next. My mom was like, what are you doing with all these sunglasses? It's all for the covers. I never wear sunglasses. She never catches me protecting my eyes I'm just fucking the outsides

Every year like Tom The Oakley organization would like to thank you for your dedication They'd get it They do get it They should get it But these kids these days they got it made They got fuck puppets They got everything They got porn fuck puppets they got they got everything

apparently it's fucking their brains up they got robotics whatever fine who cares I don't give a shit that's true I don't give a shit about being gay everyone's like what about the children I'm like what about them what about them who gives a shit

they're not fucking Mateo that's a problem I don't care what they do. I'm living my life. Sons of bitches. This is like you could just blow a stranger at 2pm in any city you want. Fuck off. Kick a kid down a well. And get in a cab and be like, what's for dinner?

Yeah. There's no worries. It's usually my daily routine. Just looking for kids to kick. It's a different app. And then constantly by myself, what am I having for dinner? When I know it's chicken and rice, so I can keep getting fucked.

You think about dinner while you just hear him, you'll be like, oh. Down the well. We got like this. You gotta make the splash noise. Yeah.

Help! Jessica. Jessica in the well. Remember her? What was that, 95? Something like that. America so stupid. This girl fell out a well. There's like a lot of starving kids around the world.

But Jessica's in that well. Oh, God. It took like a week to get that bitch out, too. I think she was in like a pipe. Yeah, she was stuck. And then the next week there was another kid in the well because you know her parents were like, we gotta beat Jessica. Getting that well.

Little chunky Tony. I'm right, I'm right. Remember Balloon, the Balloon Boy? color. Getting that well. Yeah. Little chunky Tony. I'm ready. I'm going. Remember Balloon Boy? Remember there was like a balloon floating around the Midwest somewhere and they were like, there's a kid in that thing. Yeah. And then I don't think it was like hiding in a garage.

I'm not kidding. He was like, that's what I remember from that story. He was like, wait, they're chasing air balloon across like this balloon. So stupid. Wait, they're chasing air balloons? Across state lines and shit? Getting this balloon. So stupid. Dude, it's under his covers. So dumb. It was a huge scandal.

The parents had concocted the whole idea. Oh yeah, they wanted to be famous. What a crazy time. That's probably a good... Thank God for TikTok and Instagram and shit. No one's doing the balloon thing anymore no we really we really evolved yeah imagine saying thank god for tiktok yeah yeah because now you can get you know famous for other weird things and not trying to you don't have to pretend your kid's in a balloon i have tiktok and i i post a video and i literally walk

away i've never ever opened the app and looked at it and gone through videos. I've never, I just post and literally walk away. Cause like, I can't let this take over my life. It's too much. Yeah. It's crazy.

And if you like, I logged on, I'd never been on it before in my life. And it was just all like girls dancing. And I, I literally had to, I was like, I don't want to see this.

I don't want to say I was trying to get, what if it was Jasmine? Jasmine. Then I'd stay. I even, although I have never want to see this. I was trying to get. What if it was Jasmine? If it was Jasmine, then I'd stay. I have never read a single comment on TikTok. Nothing. People could probably hate me and I'm like, well, whatever. I don't even know how it works.

You're doubling and tripling your followers and stuff every year. You're killing it. I started TikTok in January. I'm not talking about TikTok. I'm just being general. You're on a level that you can't really even if you wanted to take two hours out of your day to read some comments you'd only

if I post a new video like I'll go through Instagram like to see like nice things people say and then after like a minute I'm like alright I'll just go back to the explore page and look at butts in Mariah videos that's my explore page men's butts butts in Mariah videos. Yeah. That's my explore page. Men's butts and then Mariah. You like Mariah Carey.

I love Mariah Carey. You don't know this about Mattel. I don't know. I stopped liking Mariah Carey when that Christmas song came out. Well when she fucked Nick Cannon I got really upset. I hate that Christmas song. I was a little upset about Nick Cannon but you know what. Literally anybody else. I know. She have kids with Nick Cannon?

She got two kids. Everybody has kids with Nick Cannon. But her kids are cute. Her kids are cute and she's a good mom. I bet they're cute. I bet they also have plastic surgery at this point too. They're 12. Did you see that graphic of what scientists consider the attitude of being to look like they're all

versions of Nick Cannon's face? He's got a lot of kids. Dude, he has like 30 kids. Yeah, he's got a lot. I thought He's got a lot of kids. Dude, he has like 30 kids. Yeah, he's got a lot. I thought my grandpa had a lot of kids. He's got, that's a lot of kids.

And thank God, Mariah is like a good mom and rich. So she's like, I don't need Nick Cannon. Yeah. Did you meet her? Did you get to hang out?

I did. I met her in an elevator. So I used to do this show called Girl Code and Guy Code way back in the day. Oh, we know. Honestly, it was a fun show. They had a good cast. Stefano, Pete Davidson.

It was Chris Stefano, Pete Davidson, Andrew Schultz, Nicole Byer, Awkwafina, me. I would be the least successful on that show. You're the least gay on that show. Definitely. Chris Stefano, please.

I love Chris. I did aStefano impression on We Might Be Drunk the other day and so many people commented on it I texted Chris I was like did you hear anything about me doing an impression he was like no what'd you do what happened and I was like I do like a whole thing but yeah so anyways the producer of that show was named Stucky and he's got a real

southern accent so years later he called me he was like Matteo can I have you here at the MTV Studios? I can't tell you what it is, but it's a surprise. I said, I know it's Mariah. He goes, damn it, boys, he knows. So they did this show. It was like fans meet her and their favorite celebrities in an elevator. The elevator doors open up and she's there.

And it was me and six other fans. And I was in the elevator and there she was, well lit and nervous, as I imagined her. And she was beautiful. And I was on her good side, so she couldn't really quite look at me. But everyone was freaking out. And comics were so used to adrenaline. I just was asking her normal questions. But we sang Always Be My Baby together.

She did a whistle note. And you kept seeing like every once in a while her makeup artist was in the elevator. You just see this hand like purled out and like touch her face and then like go back in. You said you were on her good side so she wouldn't turn towards you? So her right side is her good side.

So I was standing here. So she couldn't turn to me because that means the camera would see her left side. So she stayed on her good side. So she would sort of like lean like that and then they said do not touch mariah well of course the white girl was like can i hug you i was like yeah so she was like fuck it i'm the biggest mariah fan in this elevator and so i said can i hug you and she goes sure and she hugged me like i was the help and uh it was great and i used to make a lot of disparaging jokes about Mariah, but I've publicly apologized.

I take everything back. Because you met her. And I stand by her. Yeah. Yes. This is how I was with Carson Wentz. You want a straight story? Who's who?

Exactly. That's my Mariah Carey. He used to be the quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. Yeah. He was on the MVP season the year we won the Super Bowl. That's what year? 2018. That's awesome. Best year of my life. It is awesome. It is awesome.

And he was a wonderful man. He didn't have a good side. He had all good sides. He would take a picture from the back. I'd like to see that photo. I bet you would. He's a quarterback? Yeah. Quarterback's the hot ones? Yeah. Oftentimes. But I feel like, what's his name?

Who's married to Giselle or they're getting an abortion. What's his name? Tom Brady. Tom Brady. He's not that like he doesn't have a nice body. He's not aging well. He's aging fine. He's doing his aging pretty good. Shouldn't like football players like shouldn't you have like a huge butt? Yeah. He doesn't have a butt. He's a pocket passer. He doesn't have to

he's not he's not pushing any weight. There's no reason to have a reverse. Quarterbacks and linemen have no butts. Who have the big butts? Linemen have big butts. A lot of linemen don't have butts. It's just because they're so big up top. Maybe.

I love in football that you can, for some reason, see all their jockstraps. I'm like, no one cares. We just see all their jockstraps. No straight guy gives a shit. Just jockstraps walking around a field. A lot of these dudes, they're going bird. Oh, yeah. They don't put straps out.

All the pictures now are like, look at my dick. Mine's to the right side. That's the thing with straight guys now recently, right? They're showing off their dicks like women are with their boobs. Like, check it out. 100%. Am I making this up? No.

No, you're right. Okay. But also, it is function. It's not just fashion. These guys are literally running 22 miles an hour down the field, and they don't want a banana cup. Anything chafing or rubbing on the inside of the thighs.

I never wore a cup. That's crazy. Do you wear a cup? You wear a cup in like hockey, but you wear a jockstrap in football. Not like a cup. In lacrosse you can get away with it. You might get slapped, but you're not getting constantly assaulted. You got a puck coming at you 70 miles an hour.

You got to wear a fucking puck. No, I wore a cup in hockey. But I did not wear a cup in lacrosse. And I got poke checked in the dick once. And it was the worst feeling of my entire life. Lacrosse seems annoying to play. It's great. That's the only way I can describe it. It's like a poor man's hockey. And if you play lacrosse

and you're getting upset, good. I mean, isn't it though? You're on a field, yourosse and you're getting upset, good. I mean, it just isn't it, though? Like you're on a field, you're running, you're catching. But it's oh, God, the indignity. Hockey might be a cool. Hockey on ice, you're slicking and sliding around. And you're but you know what I mean? There's like a coolness to it.

Lacrosse is like a bad like if a badminton player just wanted to play football, but didn't want to go the whole way. That's what you are. You're like a glorified badminton player wanted to play football, but didn't want to go the whole way. That's what you are. You're like a glorified badminton player. No, it's good. You get to throw a ball around. You can throw a ball super far because you got to stick. Sweet. That's interesting.

Yeah. You were 12 other dudes. It's a combination. Yeah. Yeah. You got jazz. Boys. Good luck, child.

That's how you get pumped up for games, dude. Give it the jazz. Wrestling was such a like watching my cousin Michael wrestle and I could never go to the sporting events because it was it would be like it was too much. It was, you know what I mean? It's like imagine imagine me in like 16 and watching

the hottest women just in the tiniest clothes wrestling each other. You would be like, I have to go. I need to leave. I have to go. Like I couldn't. I don't it's so gay. How early did you know that I was gay? Four. Really? Five. Right off the jump. I mean, it's like

it would be like, when did you know you were straight? Yeah. Yeah. It's that. Does it rule? It was the 80s. It was the worst time to be gay. Yeah. I mean, I was four, so I wasn't like I wasn't like worried about it. The 90s were brutal.

The 90s were brutal, and so were the early aughts. And it frankly still is kind of rough, depending on what country you live in. Yeah, true. Shout out Qatar. Go USA. They banned the armbands. You can't mention anything being gay. Caitlin Palufa was trying to explain to me.

Didn't like a thousand people die constructing all of the... I think more than that. I think 7,000 people died. And then Italy didn't even compete. They didn't get in. Is that right? They're like the best in the world. Used to be.

How did they miss? Because in 2006 we win. True. I remember that. I was in Switzerland when that happened. Your life is insane. I was in Switzerland. I'm going to have to fact check all this.

Barbara Walters, every time she talks, she's like, I was on a boat with... Dude, it was my first day of work I'm doing it was my first day of work and I got in there at Staples I was working for an oil tanker

brokerage I don't want to talk to you that's enough it's too much it was like every it was a very it was like every dude was from a different country so the first guy in

was a French dude who was pissed he sat down well they shouldn't have headbutt I know Zinedine Zidane yeah

I can't believe it it doesn't make sense we are angry it's a person he just make a headbutt it's not Italian we are the winner

we have better bread this is a dude he's got a fucking noggin too he chest He just make a headbutt. He's a winner. We have better bread. Listen, dude, he's got a fucking nugget too. He chest. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was a team captain. It was like a craziest. It was his last World Cup.

I wouldn't piss off an Italian like that. You know what I'm saying? Like, they'll find you. Oh, dude. So like this guy comes, French guy comes in furious then it like do you bring jasmine with as like a good luck charm like a like a rabbit's foot because i've been trying to have a conversation just thinking jasmine you slut in his yeah it's just a still figure staring back at him.

You take that, you little bitch. You like that, you little bitch. You like that, you little fucking bitch. The arms couldn't move. They could only go like up and down like this. Just to clean her up. The only time you move her hands and legs is to clean the cum off her. Did you decide like today the arms are up?

Yeah. When you came, did the arms are up? Yeah. When you came, did you put her arms up so she came with you? Oh my god. There's definitely a couple times. The indignity. You gotta have your stupid story about the French guy. We're stuck on Jasmine. Yeah, no, there were times where I, cause her knees wouldn't bend either, but I

still would bend her. Chris, one day, one day you're gonna walk you know i i thought it was just a still plastic figurine like this big and she's becoming more attractive and here's my thing i want to know when was the day that you were home whoring right and you just you're looking for anything and finally like it would reveal it revealed itself to you like you saw jasmine across the room and you're like you you're gonna do it well dude i'm gonna be watching tv late night your girl's gonna come out of the bedroom dressed as jazz. I'm going to know exactly what you meant. I'm going to buy you a Jasmine action theater. And put it on all fours in his room.

Daddy's home. You could put this one on all fours. Get some white paint. Just so you feel more comfortable. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. We just got a new t-shirt from Merch. It's a countdown Jasmine. We had like, it was a new t-shirt.

We had like, it was a small bathroom. And then they're like in one, there was one low cabinet where like we had toys for when we were kids that we would play in the tub. I like to play in the tub, but we never got rid of those toys. So one time I was in there and I'm being off to my imagination. And then I start rummaging through the toys to see what I can keep it up.

Dude, you're fucking 13, right? Yeah. And you're like, what kind of toys under the sink can get me off? You're 13. That's nuts. You'd do anything at that time. Anything at that time. And Jasmine was...

Jasmine spoke to you. I will confirm absolute smoke. I would have preferred if the only thing you had left was Ursula. Like an octopus. And you're like, this'll do. She's going to give you the most love back. That would have been a real sliding doors moment.

Or like the old Queen from Snow White where she turns into like the that boy's an apple. You're like, yeah, this bitch'll do. That would have sent me down a totally different path. Would it? Because it seems like you've had some interesting paths in your life. Would have never made it to Switzerland. Where are we at?

We got to read, huh? They weren't? Wait, is that the right action figure? She's turquoise. Oh, it is turquoise. But I'm colorblind. Turquoise is close to white. It was slow, dude.

I'd say it's on her face. Yeah, it came on her face. And she had this big... Awning. An anti-com awning. Well, the way the hair was in the plastic... Maybe she had fluffy curly hair prior to you ab. Maybe she would catch. Maybe she had fluffy curly hair prior to you

abusing her for 10 years. Maybe you split her wig, literally. Oh, Christ. Anyway, after Italy won that World Cup, the Italian guy came in at lunch because he had driven back from Italy to

Geneva. He had an Italian flag tied around his neck and was running through the place. And then the French guy got up and they fought each other. Like really right between me. Italians and French don't go along. Nobody gets along with the French. Well, people really get

upset with the French. And when you talk to French people, they're like, yeah, I get it. I understand. Yeah. Yeah, not so. Because they used to run people, they're like, yeah, I get it. I understand. Because they used to run everything. They used to be the biggest game in town and now they're nothing. No, the French have a beautiful culture. They're a little highfalutin.

The Italians are so warm. You go there and they're so sweet and warm and relaxed. I'm also a little bitter. I just broke up with this French guy, so I'm like, French. Actually, French are just from... From France, from Paris. Paris. Did you speak French to him?

Oui. That's pretty hot. He would be, as French people are, I speak French, he'd be like, no, you speak French, but I can't understand what you say, but your grammar's not perfect. I was like, wow, you're really romantic. Yeah, see, that's the

problem. When you say childhood in Italian, they're like, wow, listen to you speak so good Italian. If you're anywhere close, yeah. That's all attitude, right? So like Italians are more aggressive, yet loving. Italians are just more on to the point about

how they feel. If they're sad, they're sad. They're happy. They're happy. You know, it's like where the French, it seems to be like they're a little more curated and rightfully so. They play their cards a little closer to the chest, I think. But Italians, generally speaking, they're just like out with the emotion, fighting in the streets. It's great. I thought the French were all free love and out there.

I believe you've confused the French with someone else. I thought, what? Yeah, I know, but she's not free love? They aren't. You think that, but it's not all menage a trois. No. You get the memo, the younger generation. Oh, really? They're like conservative? No, they're just more, they're not, you know,

they're not Italian. Okay. Nobody is. Italians are wild. They're so crazy. Greeks and Italians have a lot in common. Yeah. They're gaudy as fuck. They're hairy assholes. Out of control. Manscaped. Oh, yeah.

It's not Manscaped. What is it? Express V. Express V. They got another weird ad for us. Awkwardly. Use an IP in Italy, though. ExpressVPN. That would have been nice. They got another weird ad for us. Use an IP in Italy though. You can. Matteo, do you know what ExpressVPN is? I can't wait to hear.

Did you see Hand of God? I'm getting on Grindr right now. The movie Hand of God. Did you see Hand of God? I did not see Hand of God. It's great. They show cock and balls. They show that on like,

like soap commercials. Like it's not like, there's just tits out and nonnas are just like, eh, pass the butter. Do you like old Italian movies? Do you like, I like Fellini a lot.

Yeah. What about, who's the guy who made like, is it Antonioni? Who made like La Notte and La Notte? Yeah. De La Lentice maybe?

He was a big Italian producer. Slaventura? Well anyway, Hand of God is like a modern version but in that like old Italian style. It's really fucking good. Oh yeah, the Italians had a good run in the 50s and 60s and 70s with films.

I love Eight and a Half. Yes, Eight and a Half is a good inch. It's a good inch. It's a good inch. That's a good Not too big and not too small. That's great. Have you seen eight and a half? Probably

at some point. I've seen eight millimeter. Nine millimeter. Eight millimeter. I think it is eight millimeter. What's the one with Nicolas Cage? Yeah. That's enough of him. So insufferable. I hear you. But modern actors, enough. I mean, true.

Now enough. Now enough. I feel like I watch movies. He at least has done some shit. Like The Rock? It has to be in every fucking movie? Yeah, but those movies aren't like, it's not like The Rock,

his intention is to go out there and play Richard III. I mean, he knows what he is and he's capitalizing on it. I mean, also movies now, it's a global market. So movies now are like Marvel, superhero, like Explosion. So it's like the movies of the 70s

are done. Yeah. Really. I mean, it's not that they don't happen, but it's like they don't get the attention. We're never going to see a Godfather again. A relatively unknown cast besides Marlon Brando doing a film about a bunch of Italian mobsters.

And it's slow. Like that's just, that's not a box office hit anymore. That's also, what's nice about watching old movies is they're slow. Well, I was just talking about this today. I was talking about alien.

I watched alien the other day and it was like so brilliant to me because it just took its time. And the exposition of these characters wasn't over the top of every sentence they said was trying to force you as the viewer to believe they have a relationship. They just existed. Because they just existed, you didn't know anything about Sigourney Weaver, who she was, who her family

was, where she was from, her relationship with other people on the planet. You could feel what kind of person she was by how she acted. You could feel what kind of person she was by how she acted with other feel what kind of person she was how she acted with other people on the ship it was such good acting and so subtle that you look how Italian I am it was so subtle

that when you watch it you think okay I know who this woman is and you allow yourself to fill in her background and move along with her character arc by the end you really go for her where you watch like I watch Alien Covenant and it's like they're trying so hard to make these characters feel like they really know each

other and this is the this guy and that's the this girl and it just is so I was there for you when you got divorced remember that's like the opening exposition where like it's putting a hat on a hat yeah where it's like you know Sigourney Weaver I don't we didn't know anything about her as a character you know

she was nice supple tatties. Yeah, she did have a great body. She did. That's what I'm saying. It was just like long shots, great cinematography, great timing, great pacing, allowing the audience. Everything is so quick and fast and at once where it's almost like the filmmakers are saying, we don't trust that it's going to hold the audience's attention. They're going to get up and leave at any moment. So we better

cram it as much as we possibly can at any moment. And it just kind of ruined cinema and film. That's why I all like, I watch all of the foreign films at the end of the year. All the Oscar noms for foreign films will fall into the category of

sitting in that space, getting to know the character. The cinematography is just as important as the words. Sometimes it's like that Simpsons, remember, where Itchy and Scratchy went to Gabbo, and so Krusty was like, so we have the

Eastern version of Itchy and Scratchy. The Eastern European version, it was just like this weird cat mouth like and it was like in this weird like gray air and chris is like the fuck was that it's a little that too sometimes it depends well it can be too artsy that's why i wait for the awards that come out right right the people do all the research i think hand of god was up for best picture last year. Yeah. Yeah. It's about a kid growing up in Napoli.

Napoli. Napoli. Comes from the Greek word Anapule, which means a new city. No shit. It's a Greek settlement. All right. There you go. Stavros and I discovered this at lunch one day.

Yeah. We were getting pizza and I was like, I'm from Napoli. And he's like, I'm Greek. He's like, Anapule. So yeah. And then Stavros goes, oh, a new city. Because that's the translation. He's like, yes, it's Greek settlement. I'm like, I'm Greek. He's like, I'm Apulia. So yeah. And then Stavros goes, oh, a new city. Cause that's the translation. He's like, yes, it's Greek settlement. I'm like,

there we go. That's big. And most Naples people have Greek blood in them. So it's like when they do DNA, figure out who you are, what you are, it's hard to decipher between Greeks and Italians. Yeah. I would think that there wouldn't be much genetic difference between Greeks and Italians. There's not actually. I mean, on Southern Italy, a little different cause there's a lot of Arab influence.

And aesthetics, too. The way they design apartments and outdoor areas. They put marble lines on dog sheds. Well, Greeks take Italians to town because Italians were pretty gaudy. But Greeks, no one does it better than a Greek. There's a house two blocks over that is marbled on the outside.

I love it. It's insane. They got like chrome railing on everything. Oh, no, no, no. I mean the exterior, the actual structure of the home. Not marble. He's got obviously has marble steps and stuff. Like the entryway is marble.

He has marble plates on the outside of the home. My friend Sophia growing up. Do you know how insane that is? In this neighborhood? Totally normal. But growing up, my friend Sophia, they came over from Greece. They moved to Albany Park, which is a lot of Albanians, Muslim and Puerto Rican.

It's a very mixed neighborhood. The three worst people in the world. You monster. Two out of three ain't bad. So they're this Greek family. And you can tell when you're going by house to house. It's like normal house, normal house. Then you get to her house.

Literally, they've got a white picket fence that's too short with giant sunflowers. Lambs that lead up to the cement steps. Now the cement steps in a Chicago house. It's cement steps and then it's like a block. So basically it's enough for the door to steps. And then it's like a block. So basically it's enough for the door to open. So you come out of the house. Well, they put AstroTurf on everything.

Hanging plants. Oh my God. And then a heavy chair with two seats or a table with two seats. So like you can when you go and you can barely get in. And they got a huge garland back. And the first time I went over there, Sophia's mom, Daphne, who I absolutely love her. They just, you know, the warmest people. But the first time I get over there, I'm ready to say hi. My name is Mateo.

You know, she opens her and starts yelling at Sophia. Sophia, I tell you, the gypsies come to take our cats. Casa Malacatu. Slams the door. Always had food ready. Blue shag carpet. Fantastic. Fantastic.

That's fucking Elvis' own. Worrying about the gypsies? The gypsies come to take our cats. I tell you. Why you don't listen to me? She'd read our fortune in our Greek cups. She'd make us Greek coffee and then read our fortune. And she would always go in depth with mine. You know, like, I see your heart.

You make money. And then she'd read Sophia's. This says that you're a bitch. Incredible. Express VPN. Oh're a bitch. Incredible. Express VPN. Oh, sorry. I had to. Yeah. We got to get this out.

Have you met a Greek that you've liked? We've all used on Kik. Incognito mode. But it's probably not incognito as you think. Google makes it fortunate. Guys, I can't do this. You want me to read it? Yeah. You want me to read it? Yeah. You want me to do it as Liza Minnelli?

Yes. Look at the three upgrades. Yeah, I know. We've all used incognito mode, but it's probably not as incognito as you think. And Google makes fortune by tracking

your movement online. I move so slow. No one tracks. Incredible. That's all. Liza. Alright. Google makes you have a bus. So your online activity. Yada, yada, yada. So your online activity. Liza's Uncle Bob.

Data brokers still get to buy and sell your info. So how do you actually make yourself as invisible as possible online? You use ExpressVPN like I do. Every time you connect to ExpressVPN, you get a random IP address shared by many other ExpressVPN users, making it harder for third parties to identify you and harvest your data. When I'm on the road, I know ExpressVPN will keep me secure anywhere. When I'm using ExpressVPN, I know I'm getting

the best protection. It's like having a junkyard dog with me online. ExpressVPN is super easy to use no matter what device you're on, phone, laptop. And it's so fun. Chris is in Switzerland. Laptop or smart... Yeah, we can do that. And all

you have to do is tap one button for instant protection. If you really want to go incognito and protect your privacy, secure yourself with the number one rated VPN, expressvpn.com slash stuff island and get three extra months free. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com slash stuff island, expressvpn.com slash stuff island to learn more. ExpressVPN. That was better than two weeks ago. When I did it?

No, no. When they were like, there's something about like, you know, predators are after your kids. You got to hide their IP address. Oh yeah, it's creepy as fuck. Or it's the opposite going like you got to hide your porn addiction to children. I feel like that was more. Do you think a VPN

can do that? I don't think so. I'm not going to speak for Express. Look, if you're going to order Jasmine action figures, use Express VPN. I love that the arms went up. I don't know why that really... It just tickled me to no end that the arms went up.

Early action figures, their legs were locked with their fake... Their hips moved. They had like a banana cup fake bird and then their arms moved because you'd have to wrestle them and she had this billowy top so it moved do you remember the top

do you have sisters as a kid I was into that kind of stuff go on just say no I didn't have sisters I don't know. I liked I got the action. I'm probably trying to act all masculine right now. You're like

nah, nah. As a kid I was in this anyways. Somehow the jacking off on her was the proud one. I wanted a Barbie doll. Good for you. Yeah. Good for you. And I had to ease my dad into it.

So I was like, let me get basketball Ken. And he was like, alright. Came on him? Yeah. No, that was for me. I would go with basketball Ken. Any Ken can get it right now. Do they have wrestling

Ken? Yeah. Well, Jasmine could only do this and move her legs. Barbie had that like crazy technology like her arms would bend and stuff touchdown what are you doing in there where's Jasmine I just gotta clean up some stuff

real quick fumbling action figures did you bring it back out like multiple times your niece is coming over and she's excited to play with all the action figures. Do we still have that Jasmine you love? Oh my God. Why were they still there? That's the question I have. They just never got cleaned out.

Do you have a cluttered kind of house or a clean house? What was the situation? It was mostly clean, but there were nooks and crannies that just had stuff in it. My parents weren't going to clean out. Where'd you grow up? Connecticut. Okay. Nice.

But yeah, they weren't going to clean out a little. It was a little cabinet. It used to be like all the cabinets underneath the sink were like fucking toys. Are both your parents Irish? Yeah. Yeah, that's what it is. What do you mean? Italians don't. There's no toys?

No, there's toys. There's no room for anything we're not using you understand what I'm saying what is this do you want this is this sitting here you don't need this is this the dogs it's going or they don't even ask and it's just gone ma didn't I have a jacket you didn't wear it anymore how do you know

it's summer it's like he's repeating our last 10 conversations my family were pack rats for sure at least my dad is It's summer. It's like he's repeating our last 10 conversations. Yeah, my family were pack rats for sure. At least my dad is. Not hoarding level, but it's always like if there's a tool or something, he's always trying to reuse it for some shit. Let me one up you.

My mom is Italian and Mexican. So it's a real clean house. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You just get rid of everything? It's just like if you're not using it, bye. My aunt Cindy one time, we grew up next to my cousins. She. Get rid of everything. It's just like, if you're not using it by my aunt Cindy, one time,

Hey, we grew up next to my cousins. She hated this jacket. I had hated it. So I went to Italy to go visit family. It came back jacket gone. She got rid of it. That's how my mother hated it. But she was having a fight about it or no.

Oh no. We laughed really hard. Cause then I took our, we, she had this pair of pants. We hated. So we took that and threw that out. This is a thing we did in my family.

This wasn't a one-time thing. I laughed very hard. And I was like, fine, I'm getting rid of those goddamn carpenter jeans you had. No! They're comfortable! They're embarrassing! It has a thing for a hammer and you don't know how to hammer. Screw you! That was every pair of pants in my family. Now they're back. Carpenter jeans are back.

I can't do it just because of the bad memories. The violence, yeah. Honestly, my brother beating the fuck out of me in carpenter jeans. Just seeing it from a certain angle I can't be like, I'll try. But you ask your Jasmine to wear carpenter jeans.

Yeah, she was wearing baggy pants back then. She was? She was wearing like parachute pants. Yeah, it was cool. You must be losing your She was? She was wearing like parachute pants. Yeah. It was cool. You must be losing your mind with all these Gen Z walking around with these huge pants walking around. Love it. Love it. You're not alone.

Love it. You're not alone. Not alone. Yeah, I love baggy pants. My mother, I want to talk about this. My mother today texted me. I was like, I sent her this QVC movie, Hallmark holiday movie. Which one? It's called Holly and the Hot Chocolate. Yeah. today texted me. I was like, I sent her this QVC movie, Hallmark holiday movie.

Which one? It's called Holly and the Hot Chocolate. Yeah. McKeever wrote and directed this movie where he had a couple of his friends on. And it's actually for what it, the parameters of imagine a QVC holiday. Of course, I'm obsessed. I just watched the holiday Christmas calendar. I'll explain the plot to you in a minute. Yeah. So you have to fit into a certain parameter, a plot and a level of humor, how far you can stretch that and such. And he did an incredible job.

It's so fucking good. Sent it to my mom thinking like, she's going to be like, this is my chance to be like, hey mom, still doing stuff. Yeah. It was the last thing she saw was like law and order SVU.

Yeah, yeah. You still doing that? She has no idea. And one of her students being like, are you talking shit about our family? So I sent it to her and I'm in this fucking dermatologist this afternoon and miserable in the middle of shithole Queens. Taking like a, one of those monkey elevators up to some terrible third floor.

With a single person elevator? Yeah. And I sent this to her like two days ago. She didn't respond. I sent her a link to get to it. Yeah. I thought to be like,

oh, I can't wait to watch it. Or maybe one of my aunts saw it or something like that. And the next response was about my ex-girlfriend. I need her number because I'm going to send her nursing books.

And I was like, you fucking... Is your mom Italian? No, she's Irish. That's so bizarre. Yeah, it's crazy. Why would she do that? I don't know.

I'm going to call her as soon as we're done. You can just call her now. I'm living. Anyone have popcorn? We have made a couple phone calls on this. Yeah, that might be nice.

Mom, what's going on with these books I'll call her on the page How do you talk to your mom Like could you say to your mom That fucking pissed me off What's your fucking problem Oh yeah yeah yeah

We're real as fuck Yeah I'm like what the fuck Why didn't you You didn't even click the link You didn't even tell me You got the message You go

Oh what message And I'm like You saw it You fucking saw it And then I'll dive into The ex-girlfriend shit Saw it And my mom will go You know Wild on her own end saw it. You fucking saw it. And then I'll dive into the ex-girlfriend shit. And my mom will go, you know,

wild on her own end. You should watch the Christmas calendar. The plot of the movie is a woman who, of course, doesn't have a boyfriend or a husband and the whole family's obsessing about it. It mysteriously gets a gigantic advent calendar.

When I say giant, it's like the size of a house. It's so inconvenient. She brings it home. By the way, she's a photographer. We'll get to that in a minute. Every day, a magical light glows up and the present leads her to a clue about what man is going to

be in her life. It's pathetic. Oh my God. You should watch it. Where was the advent calendar from? God? be in her life. It's pathetic. Oh my God. Oh, you should watch it. Where was the advent calendar from? God? I think her dad got it or something. Something like that. Anyway, so she has friends of this Puerto Rican guy and then this rich white dude and she bumps into the rich white guy and she keeps thinking the signs are for him.

He takes her on all these nice dates and she finally brings him home and she's like, I know this is going to sound crazy, but this calendar, calendar is the size of a wall. This calendar has been sending me signs about you and he was like what that doesn't seem like honestly like what are you talking about she's like you're making fun of me aren't you get out and he was like well i don't this is you're ridiculous and then you know like the white lady watching it at home crying is like tell him and so she ends up going with the puerto rican guy instead who has no job ruined her

camera roll and works as an elf at a Christmas mall thing and was there a sign from the calendar pointing towards the Puerto Rican guy yeah yeah yeah and then the white guy was like a boob right like not sexual not fun

it's 2020 but you gotta be a boob. Honestly, you watch it and you're like, well, both men are terrible options and also your family stinks too. She's like a photographer. There was a scene where the mayor was like, I love your photo and I'll

need photos by 5am tomorrow or else. This ridiculous scene. I want to be in one of those movies. I just saw Lindsay Lohan's Christmas movie and it was great was that recent or is it old recent yeah I don't know we gotta catch up on Lindsay Lohan

it's her first one she made with Netflix the last time I saw her she was at that like rave dancing with her perfect breasts which one in real life or like yeah she was all pilled out getting fucking nuts. It was about 12 years of her life.

She's cleaned up. She looks great. She looks really good. She did this movie. You're serious. This is a new movie. November 5th it came out. Lindsay Lohan. It's a Christmas movie. How did she get back in? It's a Netflix Christmas movie. It's not like... It's a christmas movie and it's how does she get back in it's a netflix christmas movie

it's not like it's still it's a job after you know well i think people want her to have a comeback and this is it she's taking it seriously as seriously as you can take a christmas movie but she got a good pr person and she's making her rounds and she looks good she sounds good she's normal really other her mother it feels like it should be easy to do with all those resources yeah i think she burned a lot of bridges and she wasn't dependable so like to should be easy to do with all those resources yeah I think she burned a lot of bridges and she wasn't dependable so like to do this and to like do all the PR things and be on the Tonight Show and

follow through and you know I think it was like it's like her saying like hey I'm ready to take it seriously again so I hope she keeps working yeah it's good good for her people love a comeback people do love a comeback they do love a comeback Mariah had her comeback

Emancipation of Mimi Beyonce doesn't need one she's just like a huge star she's never going away but like Whitney had her comeback remember who's the blonde mess Tara Reade and she's

I just saw that story was crazy no Tara Reade I just saw a Yeah. Well, that story was crazy. No, Ty Reed. I just saw a recent video. Oh, I'm can I call my friend Nick to have him describe? Okay. Nick is a six foot four,

about 120 pounds. Only wears women's blouses and is a complete asshole, but he's the funniest person I know, but he keeps sending me Tara Reed stuff. There's a new Tara Reed video. Um, so you're on a podcast right now. stuff. There's a new Tara Reid video? I don't feel. So you're on a podcast right now. Can you just describe Tara Reid as of

late? I would say she is a combination of Gollum and Lindsay Lohan circa 2009.

That's great. That is a devastating image. It's a devastating TikTok. And what kind of things is she doing on TikTok? Fighting for her life. What does that entail? What did she say when she was dressed up as a fairy

for Halloween? Turns to the camera and she says She goes Don't let anyone dim your sparkle. She also had a singing duet. She's singing now? She does a lot of singing duets

with a twink gay that really, honestly, he doesn't have her best interests at heart. He's doing her dirty. He knows exactly what he's doing. He knows what he's doing. Yeah, that's true. He's manipulating Tara Reid. He's manipulating Tara Reade.

She's manipulating herself. Any last words on Tara Reade, Nick, before I let you go? I'd love to see her in a Netflix Christmas special. I would too! I would too! Nick, I would too.

I would love to see a duo sister comedy of a Netflix Christmas. She's Lindsay's older sister. Because you know they're going to give a sequel to Lindsay's Christmas movie from this year. So she can be Lindsay's older sister who just got out of rehab. They gotta explain why she looks like that. If Netflix is listening, I'm here to write it I think it's written itself

alright thank you Nick goodbye tremendous so all jokes aside it actually is quite sad because you look at Tara Reade's TikTok and I guess you could say she's living her life the way she wants to but it seems like allegedly someone who is

not well and she's being exploited in a way because the gays she's putting these tiktoks she's like wow everyone's really liking my she did the birthday wish her dog she almost lit the dog on fire trying to blow out candles. And gays just love that though. You know what I mean? Just a drunk mess. We appreciate it in a way where some people are like, well, that's funny. And gays are like, let me explain why.

There's so much to dig in. You didn't read the first three chapters. That's right. It is sad when you look at someone like that because she was so young. I'm not saying she was the best actress ever but when you're just we know in this american pie when you're given that kind of opportunity of course it's so rare to get that kind of opportunity because we're just fighting for our lives out here and so to just throw it away with drugs and alcohol is just kind of it's a shame really and she got a bad boob job oh she

does voiceover nick just sent me something we can share he goes she does voiceovers now too i don't know what this means let's see what let's see what it sounds like if it's express vpn we have to cut it you might say i'm a dreamer but i'm not the only one. I love you. So, you know, she's dressed like Party City. It's not good. But I will say she's held it. I mean, she doesn't look bad. She doesn't look, she didn't look that bad

right there. A bunch of my friends from home, they still follow a subsect of our upbringing. Like our friends. Because they're getting to like the Facebook era of like their late forties going, I'm going to post me singing a song and telling them how I feel about this song.

And it's equally sad. I've been hiding my talent for so long. I gotta take a shot. The drop ceiling and fake wood in the background. They're just like, here's my next ballot. It's like, dude dude the indignity you can't stop watching

no because it just there before the grace of God go I we're all just centimeters away from all of us everyone has got a room maybe three episodes away you know what we're there this is a version of the same shit. Oh, please.

Of course. I make a complete ass out of myself. He watches all that dark television intervention and shit like that and watches people with Tourette's try to cope. It gives me so much stress. I can't do it. I feel like I'm millimeters away from that person. I grew out of

jerking off on children's toys and I was like, I just want to watch adults deal with alcoholism. from that person. I grew out of jerking off on children's toys and I was like I just want to watch adults deal with alcoholism. That's the saddest is like alcohol. Oh God, it's so sad. I remember Candy Finnegan. There was like a woman named Candy

Finnegan. Yeah, the redhead. I met Candy. You did? Yeah. My cousin keeps saying Candy. This is my Mariah, dude! And then I remember, because I would go to my nonna's house and my aunts, we all watched TV. I filmed my aunts and

watching Hoarders because my Italians, how do I put this? I've seen the TV on in my home, but I've never heard it because so many people are talking at once at the program commenting. You don't know what's going on.

Yeah. So they're all watching hoarders screaming at the top of their lungs, screaming at the top of the lungs. My grandma's screaming, look at the cat. It's daddy. Yeah. That's just like,

you just, it's actually very difficult to watch dude. Hoarders is so on over a banana peel. I think it's, yeah, that's the worst like you just it's actually very difficult to watch dude hoarders is so eminent haunt over a banana peel I think it's yeah that's the worst one dude remember they they give them the option first we're gonna let you throw something away they literally a banana peel oh but I might need that just throw

the whole house out yeah strap them down destroy everything and then fix it later this by far the sadness of all those fucked up you know it's sad it's sad why do we that's why I'm like with cancel culture not because I'm not going there but it was like

what I'm trying to say is like we don't like certain words being said but we're supporting watching mentally ill people as entertainment by 600 pound life hoarders you know intervention cops whatever it's like, my God, leave these people alone.

My God. We're not actually helping them. At least intervention and cops has a nice storyline. You're just looking at it. There's a beginning and end. There's certainly an end and it starts with the end. We're watching the end of someone's life. It's the end of the end.

Do you have anything to promote? Check out my new special online, the advice special on YouTube, Mateo Lane. Yeah, go look it up. Check it out. Did we just end it like that? Yeah. Oh my God, that was it? Well, we might do it.

Same way we started. Yeah, I got to pee. All right, go take a pee. I'll pee after you. I got to pee all the time. This was a fun podcast, you guys. Thank you for take a piss. Yeah, I gotta pee. All right, go take a pee. I'll pee after you. I gotta pee all the time. This was a fun podcast, you guys. Thank you for having me on. Thanks for coming.