Stuff Island - Stuff Island #58 - bed bugs w/ Joe List

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

Stuff Island #58 - bed bugs w/ Joe List - We are joined by the hilarious Joe List to discuss drinking life, death, comedy, rectal creams, etc. - Full episodes also available in 4K on YouTube & bonus episodes are available on our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/stuffisland - Ad: visit http://www.manscaped.com (http://www.manscaped.com/) and use code STUFFISLAND for 20% off! - Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch.. Each week they'll talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish & twice a month they live stream VR Golf and Onward with fans. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Thank you, and God bless Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

you want something to drink you know i'm good i got a water here this is a you guys like classed it up just like yeah this feels like we're in a museum here oh bed bugs usually uh or she's been reordered yeah the paintings will keep them out well that's the problem with the you have a you have a couch and you have an open door policy for traveling comics but some of them literally are bed bugs. You guys got bed bugs. Yeah. Because you never had bed bugs before?

No. Sarah and I had, this sounds like a made up story. We had a single bed bug and everyone's like, no, you can't have that. Like we literally saw a bug on the couch and Sarah had like bites and we got it. And I don't know, I don't know what we do with it but literally yeah i've never saw another bed bug like we were like we're like okay we got bed bugs this is a problem yeah well yeah maybe you just brought it in it didn't have time to like breed yeah we tossed everything and then shane was just shane was still playing video games on like a

folding chair. Two months because we didn't have any furniture yet. Vecchione had bed bugs and he's fucked up about it. He won't sit on a train and all that stuff. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. It is. I was in a house that had bed bugs, but I never got bed bugs in my room. I just had all my other roommates were just getting fucking decimated

i was fine well it's not you guys you do get ptsd because for like mcconnie for like i'm gonna say three weeks was getting totally undressed outside outside the door you put all this by the bed bugs just taking to the wood they were just raping him it was crazy dude he would get naked out front of the the first door put all his clothes in a bag and then walk in now where is he now where does where did he move to do comedy no no he's still in writing he i think he lives in brooklyn oh and he goes to new hampshire a bunch is there anything more hurtful than hearing your name on a podcast?

Does he still do anything? That's like the worst. Yeah, he's basically dead. Yeah. No, he's doing exactly what a writer would do. He travels up to New Hampshire, eats ice cream shirtless half day after day, and then writes some stuff. Good for him. Good for us.

I saw him as a writer. Yeah. It's supposed to be a zing and nobody laughs, so it was weird. Just kidding. Is this a podcast? I can't even tell if we're recording yet. Oh, shit. Just kidding, Steve.

I thought you were hilarious. That is the risk. We should give you a wink going, heads up. Nah, he's accomplished very funny work. That is how you solve quick comedy, though, I feel like. It's like, I'm just going to write for a while. Yeah. I'm not going to get up on stage anymore.

I'm just going to do some writing. I wish there was a lot more people doing some writing. There's a few names. Just try to put things down on paper. I think Steve punched Bulger in the face one time. Do you know that story? No. So Dan Bulger.

Do you know Bulger? Yeah, yeah. A wonderful guy, wonderful comedian. He's a brilliant guy. And I. He's got he's a brilliant guy and I think he's got severe ADHD or whatever. And he doesn't drink very often. When he does, he gets cocoa. Yeah.

And I guess he just, I wasn't there for this. This is in Boston, the comedy studio. And it was like a Saturday night and Steve was dressed nice and like a nice shirt. And then Bulger just walked up and grabbed his shirt and ripped it open. Like buttons flying, just destroyed his shirt and i think uh i think steve just fucking whelmed him in the face dude bulger was like that's fair i believe that's the story it's so funny because i only knew bulger after i think he quit drinking right did he quit yeah yeah yeah

quite a while ago yeah he does not seem like the kind of guy that would get rowdy at all yeah like his at least his stage presence is very like demure he didn't like quickly he's diabetic so right a disease quick for him but he will go out he'll give himself an extra shot and go drink occasionally but he don't black out though he just like drinks i don't think so yeah he might black out he might get after it but we live together me him and ira proctor i don't know if you ever met ira but we were we were three active maniacs yeah you've told you've said many times that you were bad drunk yeah it was wild it was fun you've like shirtless photos and shit you're another one i would never assume yeah no it was a lot i tried to fuck everybody i shit on the floor i pissed on the floor i would

i was like a vandal. I would jump on windshields, steal street signs. I'm still in the throes of that. He's at level eight right now. No, I'm sad. I think about the whole Philly gang I didn't get to drink with. And Ari, I became friends with after I had quit. So there's a bunch of people I just never got to party with.

Yeah. Maybe I'll relapse with you guys. Yeah, please, dude. You can punch me in the face. I got a nice shirt you can rip people I just never got to party with. Yeah. Maybe I'll relapse with you guys. Yeah, please, dude. You can punch me in the face. I have a nice shirt you can rip. I'll be happy to. Do you have that in your mind? Like a, like just like a rumspringa kind of thing that you might.

I don't know what that word is. That's like when. That's what all the fucking, what are those kids called? Yeah, they're not Quakers. Rumspringa is like the, it's the one opportunity. They do whatever the fuck they want before they fully commit to being Amish. No, I think a lot of...

By the way, that's a product of me quitting drinking, as I'll say. I don't know what that means. When I was drinking, I'd be like, oh, yeah, Rumspring. Rumspring. Oh, God. He's good.

Knows everything. He's a good author. That's me sober, dude. That's a lot of like when i'm drunk i know nothing yeah i would always just be like absolutely totally yeah i had that when i first i started two stories at once but when i first met louis ck he was talking about an episode of louis and i I watched it. I was a big fan. And he told me this in detail. He really likes to talk. So he told me this long, detailed story about an episode. And the whole time, I'm like, I don't think I saw this episode.

But I can't let him know I missed an episode. I want him to know that I love him. And finally, I just was wrestling with this. And I was like, I don't remember that one. He's like, oh, it never aired. And I was like, thank Christ. Because I was all ready to be like that's one of the best it was like such a like a life-changing decision to not just be like oh that's a big one do you do parts on that movie oh thanks oh yeah that movie was great oh

thank you well the reviewers hated it well that's fucking the worst people any critic the national review said it was the best movie of the year though so the right the right wing yeah yeah yeah you know louis and i are right wingers yeah they wanted a victory for one of their own yeah they're all in on kanye now too how'd that come about, the movie show? We... Excuse me. Sorry. I got nervous. We always talked about... We're big movie nerds, and so we'd always be talking movies or whatever, and

kicking around ideas. And then I wrote a thing on my own that I was telling him about, and then he read it, and we kind of went through it, and he's like, you could do this. And I was like, we're writing this together. Let's fucking just make it, man man and it kind of fizzled he wasn't into it i don't think and then we started talking again i've told the story a bunch of places but he called me and told this long story about how he wanted to do a musical about the band

uh bad company and it was like a half hour pitch and he he's like, I can see it. The guy's brushing his hair. And like, and I just listened and was like, I don't, I don't think so. I don't see it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think it's great. And then he was like, well, I want to make a fucking move. And then we just started talking about this idea. And then it just, we talked for like three hours and it just became like, let's just

do it. Did you already have like the pitch and the product? No. So his idea, he had an idea where he was like, it started you already have like the pitch and the product no so his idea he had an idea where he was like it started with him being like i always wanted to do something with ed falco where we're like a married couple that's like that was like the initial seed and he's like i don't know what it would be he's like i had this idea where uh ed falco and i just fuck on camera um no but he was like we gotta work around that and i'm like all right i can come

up with something um no he's kind of just was like you know they've they've worked together on on louis and uh whatever the other thing was horace and pete yeah whatever they're like friends so he wanted to write a project and then he was like maybe with this and that he kind of talked about this married couple that it's been together and And then I had this idea for a while of like, everyone our age goes to therapy, or many people our age are going to therapy. Everyone our age should go to therapy. And my therapist is always like, you got to confront your parents. Your dad didn't love you.

And your mother said this, confront them. And I always laugh at the idea of like, what does it look like when a 40 year old man is like you two fucking ruined my life people that were born in the 40s and 50s and work for a living yeah and have a son who just does comedy for a living and then i'm gonna go in and be like you fucking ruined my life and hey the worst feeling would be them just going like well i'm sorry we didn't know what we were doing yeah yeah that would that would be nice if they did that but um by the way my parents were like 20 and 22 when they had me so you're like why would they have any of course yeah ability to but anyways so that was my idea is like what is left of what how do people parents react when their children say you fucked up and

then um so that was kind of the basis we started writing from there but he was really it's interesting he was really interested in the the kid or whatever the the child of i'm saying child i'm 40 but you know what i mean like the child of the parents and i was more interested in the parents i thought it should be about them he shot it should be about me and we ended up kind of compromising a bit that's sick anyway so we just that was the idea and um yeah we just wrote it and then we premiered it and like people kept laughing at points that i didn't think were funny because i thought we were making a drama he kept saying we're making a comedy yeah but of course it's about me so i'm like this is dramatic this is serious and then at the screening at the

beacon there was like 3 000 people people kept laughing at all these things that i didn't think were funny that's great and then i regret it i'm like we should have made it hilarious like it's like somewhere it's somewhere in between now yeah i think it's pretty funny oh thanks i think like horace and pete's pretty funny too and that's dark as fuck i always think like to me like goodfellas is like the funniest movie ever no one ever thinks goodfellas is a comedy but like the laughs per minute are insane it's hilarious and casino i think i argue far inferior film but a funnier movie casino there's like straight up bits yeah like uh when he's then they're sitting at the booth and they're fighting and he says they're having a good time

and he goes so are we and it cuts to them just sitting there miserable i mean there's some great jokes but that's like the perfect comment i hate to use the word dramedy because people like it's it's fucking corny but that's like most people that i know and relate to come from that like dark humor yeah so you start with the drama it's easier to implement the humor as opposed to writing comedy you're always looking for you know a real loud punch yeah totally that's what like yeah like sideways and election to me which are like masterpieces in my mind are like fucking hilarious yes i mean they're so funny um when uh in election like this the close of his face he goes her pussy gets so wet he's talking about a 14 year old kid i'm like that that's like the funniest um dude i found myself laughing the last time i watched

casino at the part where she like she crashes the car into his house oh yeah and then fucking breaks in and calls the cops on him oh it's great it's just like i was coming out of a terrible relationship and i was like i get that i've been there just all the neighbors are standing outside he's like fuck and he's smoking he's like how's uh how's everything everything's good he's like we just had a can he's like oh good yeah it's great i mean there's another moment like that when uh it's all coming down and pesci and she's screaming at pesci she's like turning on him at the restaurant and she's leaving she falls in the street and she's like i'm gonna fucking kill you whatever and he goes okay take care he goes be careful it's so amazingly

funny that she pulls up in the back alley? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be careful. No, and then I'm telling the hooker or lady, whatever the fuck she is, about how you tenderize meat. And he's like, you've got to pound it for three hours. He goes, slide over, honey. She's sucking him off and he's telling her how to tenderize beef.

I'm like, it's fucking gold. That's the easiest way for real to come up with like most bits that I like are always very dark and dramatic and then you find

a little humor in it that's like the key to writing I guess I don't know I gotta go to New Hampshire it's quick comedy but yeah

New Hampshire's nice New Hampshire's beautiful I love New Hampshire New England's the best you like sad towns you're from I do I like driving I like driving.

I like those old... I like seeing those white church steeples and little Hamlet. I love a Hamlet. Yeah. I love the Hamlet. I was just in Vermont. It's just better.

You go up there and it's just nice. This is like that coded language. It's really just... Perfect. Yeah. I think you guys would really like this is something up there it's different dude i had a dramatic phone call that turned funny this morning i fucking i had to get a prescription for this like face rash i had where it comes back every like three weeks and i know so i go to the doctor and she she looked at me for 30 seconds

she's like you need a steroid cream plus it's like this yeast thing it's genetic don't worry about it it's just like a yeast that thing that comes up yeah and i go to the duane reed and about a year ago i was trying to get a uh colonoscopy okay and i went through the whole process i got the finger i got the i got the prescription i get the diarrhea juice you got to drink for 30 days right 30 days or 24 hours i don't know it felt like hell so i go all the way through the process and apparently they had a the hydrocortisone waiting for me it's called the hydrocortisone rectal so i go in that dwayne reed i'm like you're missing a prescription i only got one i got one hydrocortisone yeah i get home after fighting with this lady uh about there's missing one and then i see it's from the ass doctor from

a year ago who my i had a cancellation because it my insurance because i'm not 50 didn't cover it so i was like oh i'm not paying three thousand dollars for this i'll just wait seven years and hopefully not die yeah so then i have to recall i have to call him back can i return this it was like 50 bucks and they go once you once you walk out sir you can't get it back so i called the next day i was like i wonder if i can use this rectal shit on my face because i don't want it to it's hydrocortisone anyway. It's two and a half percent. Maybe I could just not waste the rectal cream and possibly use it for my mug. I'm sort of with you so far. Okay.

So I call and I do all the numbers to get to- You had an ass cream that was left over from a failed attempt at a colonoscopy. Yeah. So the face doctor had called the wrong pharmacy. So I had to, at that whole argument i had with the one lady i had to refill these two creams so now i gotta go get the regular cream i called a guy i hit all the numbers to get to the pharmacy he's turning into like a mom's story i'm sorry

well here's the funny thing i don't even know what's happening i'm all in on this story three creams yeah i think now i call the pharmacy i hit the number i'm talking to the pharmacy so i'm I'm all in on this story. Three creams. Yeah. I think I'll know. Now I call the pharmacy. I hit the number. I'm talking to the pharmacy. So I'm talking to this Indian guy and he's like, how can I help you? And I'm like,

Hey, I, I, can I ask you something personal? And he's like, yes, of course. And I was like, I got this cream from my butt,

but it's hydrocortisone. Can I use it on my face? And he laughs. He's like, I, I'll have to get you to the pharmacy i already hit pharmacy so now i'm just asking the front guy oh that's hilarious oh that's amazing he's just a guy who then has to hang up and go next customer call the front desk at duane reed

saying can i use this ass cream on my face that That's incredible. I bet he's getting that call 10 times a day. This ass stuff, can I put that on my face? So he's like, let me transfer you. I hung up immediately. I was so embarrassed. I was like, well, I guess I'll never know. I'll eat that 50 bucks. That's fucking hilarious. Well, maybe some of you will know.

It's so sweet that he was like, yeah, all right. Tell me what you want. Get it off your chest. I've been there, pal. I remember the Brian Regan celebrate with a pie. You know that joke? When he's in college and he's from... No, I'm just going to do a Brian Regan bit.

But he's from Florida and his roommate's from New Jersey. And then it's their first night and the roommate is like, why don't we celebrate? We'll go have some pie. And he's like, I only realized later he was talking about pizza.

I never heard that term. So he's like, we'll get a pie. I was like, okay, sure sure and then the punchline is we got half pepperoni half pumpkin which is amazing but it's not that that kind of disconnect of like all right ask me a personal question i've never heard of this happening but yeah yeah i mean if you're working the front desk at duane reed this is like maybe my life's going to change. Finally, somebody needs me. Oh, that's great.

It just felt like, you know, he wanted somebody to talk to in that moment. I let him down. And he was probably hoping to eat another 10, 15 minutes of his shift instead of getting one fucking wild question. Well, I hope he's telling it as a story. I hope you gave him a story. Yeah, maybe. You know? He didn't seem that down the earth enough, but he did laugh at me.

Yeah. He laughed like, I don't know what to do for you bud but uh i can i can send you to the pharmacy hopefully he's got a big family and he's like this man called me and said but i'll get i'll i'll keep you updated on the new creams so why did you need a colonoscopy i'm like a hypochondriac what happened well i didn't have insurance for a long time for like 10 years right and i finally got this insurance it's like a shared plan yeah i was like oh this is legit so i just started going all the doctors oh that's good that's what i'm doing right now i yeah i had this uh sense of renewal where i'm like i gotta check my ass i gotta check my my lungs and yeah a full scan you know rich people could just jump in these like futuristic machines i know that's the most frustrating thing in the world is when you go in there and you're like look i haven't

been to the doctor in a while i want you to do everything and they're like what do you mean yeah right what do you mean what do i mean every look at everything top the bar yeah yeah and you say once you get to like 45 like for what like i don't know just put it through this the machine i'm 43 and i just started getting my mother has colitis and Crohn's and I've, you know, signed of having the same thing. So I was like, you know what? I'm just going to, I'll get ahead of it. So I wait until 50.

And you figured they would at least take care of some of it. And it was like $3,000. I was like, I'm not doing that shit. Yeah. I just went to the doctor the first time in like a long time, like 20 years. Me too. And my blood pressure and cholesterol is through the roof. Really? Really bad. Yeah. It's terrifying.

Yeah, it is. I mean, I'm 40 so it's not the worst, but there's a thing called a Framingham calculator. You ever hear of that? No. They put in your blood pressure and your cholesterol and your weight and your smoke or non-smoke or whatever and it gives you your percentage of a heart attack in the next 10 years.

And mine is 2.4, which I thought was high, but the national average is 4. Between 40 and 50, you have a 4% chance of having a heart attack. What the fuck? That's like the average. I think there's a lot of fat assholes. Yeah, of course. They're going to bend the numbers for us. Yeah, but they're like,

you gotta, he was like, you gotta get your blood pressure. My friend, Dr. Steve, do you guys know Dr. Steve know dr steve no he was big on like ona i think but he's great he helps out comics and stuff but he said um he's like it's not scary but it's real he's like you gotta take care of this yeah i walked here how do you have high cholesterol i eat my diet is atrocious like i have i've been saying this for years and everyone gets mad but i just have a crazy metabolism and i'm also like hyperactive so i think i burn a lot of calories but i'm like my so i always talk about like fat people are like fuck you you fucking skinny fuck i'm clearly doing bobby kelly yeah you fucking skinny fuck and i'm like no but i'm

rotting on the inside i eat like a chocolate brownie from Starbucks every day. I drink caffeine all day. I smoke cigars excessively. I eat mac and cheese, buffalo wings, french fry, pizza. So nothing ever balanced. It's always sounding a lot like my diet. Yeah. How old are you? 37.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're fucked. Have you gotten your numbers checked? I don't know. Every time I go in there, they're like, you're great. Well, I think part of it might be genetic also though because i keep bumping into people that weigh 375 pounds and are like my blood pressure is like 40 points better than yours how is that possible i don't know i think genetics but i so i might have to get on like a low dose blood

pressure you're not gonna change your diet i'm changing it i've'm starving. What makes the pressure go up? I think stress, sodium, high sodium. Is it the heart is squeezing too much? I don't understand it. It doesn't make sense to me. Feels like the pressure should be the same all the time. How does the pressure go up? Is it making too much blood? Your blood pressure goes up slightly when you're inhaling

and down slightly when you're exhaling, which I tried to cheat the machine. I was like, I think I almost passed out. Well, that makes sense because you're filling up a bag of air. It's pushing out on things. That makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense

to me. I do yoga and shit. I used to do yoga. I run, but I don't run like I used to. I go to the gym like all the time, but I have no I also have like ADD or whatever the fuck. You seem like you're wired like me. I have no stomach for the gym. I go there and

I do like ah some that seemed like something. Yeah. And then I have a steam room. I just can't wait to get to the steam room and suck someone off. I just want to steam and and I run but not every day anymore. Yeah. I look decent without a shirt on that's my main thing

I want my wife to fuck me you don't cook for yourself? no I've never cooked that's what you gotta do you gotta learn how to cook my family is like this very Irish spaghetti mac and cheese burgers egg noodles

yeah I got egg noodles and ketchup Irish spaghetti, mac and cheese, burgers. Egg noodles. Yeah. All that shit. I got egg noodles and ketchup. Dude, I don't cook either. I need to start cooking. It is therapeutic, too, when you do it. Yeah, I'm just so lazy. I don't want to sit and-

No, fucking- Stop it. Just deliver. I want something brought to me me a burger brought to my house i i know i'm also like i'm not someone who's like i'm not scheduled enough to cook right you know by the time i'm hungry i'm like ah shit i'm hungry yes and i just order something immediately i'm the same way i can't go to the grocery store and then i'm just starving while i'm making it that's the worst that's like the most painful experience you're just you're you're building a fake world that doesn't exist

no it's a real world no you don't know because you don't cook but if you cook you realize oh it's not that hard to do this and then then you start going i can channel all of this good energy and and not worry about i know but i need it now i need it now. I need it. I need it. I can't wait for water to boil and then put hard stuff in it, wait until it gets soft. You can have other things in the fridge. You can have things to pick on. You can be an adult and have an hors d'oeuvre.

If I go to the grocery store and I get food to cook and I get things to snack on, I just eat all the snacks. And then the food goes bad. Just wait for the food to go bad. I'm the same way. I'm like eating yodels and cookies i just like i'm an addict well my my mindset this is what's fucked me and i have to change is because i drank so much me not drinking i'm like this is better

than drinking so i have like a childlike thing of like i'm gonna get a double cheeseburger like i was at norman's. I smoked two full body, full, like this long cigars back to back. Yeah. Cause I'm like, I'm not drinking. It's like six hours.

So it was crazy. And it's also like, fuck your blood pressure and all that shit. And you know, the cancer and all that stuff. So I have like a fundamental childish, I've like, I need something.

Something. Yeah. And that's how the fucking, I started vaping a little bit and it's gotten me, it's a b it's like an anxiety thing where it's non-stop yeah yeah it's not good so at least with a cigar you can a lot a couple hours of your day and it feels natural it's tobacco yeah something there's no uh whatever having something to do is the biggest thing like i like when i get the most drunk, it's because I start off the night and I feel very awkward.

Right. Socially. And then that beer is just, it's like a fucking, it's just time that I don't have to be talking. Yes. I'm like that with tea and water now. I'm just sucking down beverage.

I piss every 10 minutes. It's bad. Which I think I have a bladder problem. Do you guys piss all the time all the time yeah he pisses but i also drink i'll have like five of these a day i'm the same way i drink caffeinated tea and people are always like you gotta get your bladder fuck you you're an idiot no like no it's just because they don't i've been around people like they they piss like a cat because it's like being around a fat person for a day you realize oh they they're

consuming enough to be fat i understand right if you if you're around somebody that's telling you you don't pee a lot or you pee too much and they pee like that like it's how the intervals are so spaced out yeah you'll see how much they drink they don't drink they're not consuming anything that's my wife and they have one water for 12 hours 24 hours that's the strangest shit. No, that's Sarah. My wife will piss, I think, twice a day. That's nuts. And like does not drink water. And she runs.

She like exercise. She's like a fit, healthy person that does not drink water. Does she not like water? I don't know. She doesn't like me. But no, I don't know. She just, I don't know.

She doesn't like it. She doesn't remember to drink it. Oh, water is the fucking best. That's, I don't know. She just, I don't know. She doesn't like it. She doesn't remember to drink it. Oh, water is the fucking best. That's, I mean, that's, I get hypochondriac over that. Just not drinking water? Yeah. Because that's the healthiest way for all your organs. I think she eats like a lot of fruit and vegetables and lettuce.

Yeah, gets water in there. That's like a weird, that's like what desert animals do. Yeah. That's what I call it, the like what desert animals do. Yeah. That's what I call it. The desert. Cactus and get hydrated or something. No,

it's great. Like I piss. I'm like 75 times a day. It's outrageous. And I shouldn't see a doctor probably, but what's the next doctor you got to go to? I got to go back to my regular doctor to like, I want to get these numbers down.

She's like, yeah, you come back and do the nurse. But I was like, I was like, I'm anxious about, I've always had a thing with blood pressure and a heart. The heart beats every second for 75 years.

It's freaky. Yes. And so I always get fucked up about blood pressure. And then the nurse, Gigi was so sweet. And I was like, I'm nervous. It's gonna be bad. And she's like,

it's not gonna be bad. You're what? And then literally like she did it. And I like looked at her and she was like, like nervous it's gonna be bad and she's like it's not gonna be bad you're what and then literally like she did it and I like looked at her and she was like like I'm not even kidding she was like making a face she's like it's not good um so I gotta go back in a few a couple months and see if I can set these numbers down yeah I got my liver checked post-quarantine because I was like this is gonna be yeah real fucking bad and was it bad well the doctors calmed me down I was like, this is going to be real fucking bad. Was it bad? Well, the doctors calmed me down.

I was having this pain and he blamed it on Mediterranean diet. He said it was my, I forget, one of my organs that I misconstrued for being liver pain due to my high consumption. Was that on gas? I've heard, though. I had inflammation of the, God, I can't remember. It's like it sits here. Gallbladder? Yes. Really? Gallbladder. Yeah. I've heard the inflammation of the, God, I can't remember. It's like it sits here. Gallbladder?

Yes. Really? Gallbladder. Yeah, yeah. You've been reading that chart at the doctor's office. No, and he said it's probably due to, I was like, he's like, what'd you eat last week? I was like three skirt steaks and wine.

And he's like, yes, dude, that's exactly what it is. Calm the fuck down. We'll take a look at your numbers. And he did the blood test and it's like AZT or ART, the two enzymes that specifically show your high elevations in your liver. And the numbers, you get sent the report directly to, and I looked at the numbers and it says the normal scale should be within 18 to like 64. It's normal.

Yeah, I just went through this. And was like 125 oh jesus one of them the second one was double the number or three times the number and the first one was double the number i was like i started immediately like flipping the fuck out i looked up the numbers they consider that high elevation no need to worry okay but they're double the number so i called the doctor but i'm like this is big this is like yeah early onset fucking i'm gonna he's like no no he's like drink a little more water drink a little less we'll come back in three months you'll be right in the zone and i i know how much i punished myself i can't imagine what these all-day drinkers you know like these true alcoholics that just wake up and go. Right. Yeah. You know, put a tie around their fucking. Full bottles of whiskey and shit.

Yes. Yes. He says it takes like 30 years to. My brother got his gallbladder cut out. Really? Yeah. Yeah. From like drinking?

No, he was just like, he ate like a big greasy breakfast sandwich one time. I don't think that's what that's. One time? Yeah. I know. Well, he's been eating it for a while but one day he ate one and he was like oh fuck that fucking it like hurt really bad yeah and then it went away and then he had like a big steak like a couple days later

and was just like it started to hurt like so bad and he was like doing stretches and shit he thought he just had like gas or like some type of cramp. And then he was like, it got so bad. And then in the middle of the night, he drove himself to the hospital. And he said he was like literally like passing out on the way to the hospital. Oh my God. Like walked in the door

and was just like, I'm shot. Tell them you're shot. And it was also, I think it was literally like, he was like crawling in. God. I think it was like me when I was like,

I ate a breakfast sandwich. It just beats the line. There's like dying children. That's insane. Yeah. He said he went in there and the guy just like touched his belly and was like, does that hurt? And he was like, yeah.

He's like, all right, we got to get right into surgery. That's what he did for me when I told him it was a liver. He was like, he kind of like gave me a fucking jab. He was a great guy. He's going to be for my ever doctor. Cause he just, he talked to me truthfully the way you would want. he kind of like gave me a fucking jab he was a great guy he's gonna be for my ever doctor because he just he talked to me truthfully the way you would want he just he said sometimes at the very last he's like you have one more question though because i was just yeah yeah gunning questions

that my fucking hypochondria went nuts and he was like you have one more question i was like okay um so onset cirrhosis if this is is, he's like, stop right there. You got to fucking stop. He cursed. And he goes, sometimes you just got to learn to chill the fuck out. And then he walked off and I was like, whoa, that guy rules. Yeah, that guy does rule. But I also, I never wanted the doctor to say that to me.

You know what I mean? It's like, if you know anything about me, you need to like make it scarier than it really is. Because it's the only way I'll take action. Well, I feel like he would have told me if it was scary levels or scary, all of these things. He's like, I know it's not, but if you want to go through this whole process still, you can, you can waste your time and your money. And I was like, yeah, I will.

I want all the blood work. And he's like, come back in three months, redo it. And then, you know, three months went by and I, it didn't really do anything. Yeah. You want a clean bill of health i guess but i've read and her i remember when i was drinking that the live this could be made up because it was told me by an alcoholic but the liver has no like nerve ending like your liver doesn't hurt even if you're fucked up it's not going to be like ow my liver it doesn't have that quality and i i heard that if your liver does hurt it's because you're like about to die yeah like it's too late so any pain is probably not your liver yeah right it's not a it's already full two years you're fucked yeah it's also a recovery organ yeah like

if you stop drinking it's 100 it gets better yeah current livers can like they can like live forever can't they can't you just like can't you cut a piece off of your liver and like give it to somebody else? Yes, sure. Let's try it. And it'll like grow into a- Yeah. And you stop smoking after 40, 50 years, your lungs can come back to like 85% capacity. Yeah, the body is resilient. I mean, there's so many people that are alive that you're like, oh.

How? Keith Richards, other, you know, fat people and stuff. That one is crazy you think they gotta be getting close to just being able to fix everything right they're not gonna do that for us they wanna fucking thin the herd dude why not they're gonna start growing organs for sure

I think if you have the money the key is to make money but I think like yeah like I've heard this blood pressure and cholesterol pill there's no side it's like a miracle you just take it yeah i think we'll be fine that's what this other doctor said to me he's like with all the modern technology he's like i promise you're not halfway through your life yeah i was like great yeah yeah there's always there's accidents and stuff of course

yeah and it's like well you just need to make just, there's like an event horizon that you need to just get over, you know? Like if you can make it like. I don't know. No. No one in this room, no. I feel like if you can make it like, if they can extend your life for like 15 years, then in that 15 years, they'll be able to kick you out like another like 30 maybe. Jeez.

And then they can kick you out no 50 as they ever see these people that are like they're in india and they're 120 years old they look like a cigarette fell out of an ashtray i'm saying but dude i saw this i saw this guy who's just in bed yeah and they're singing happy 170th birthday and he's like if you can't talk dude his skin is sucked in. He's got no teeth. And they make the little kids, like, kiss him on the cheek and stuff. It's fucking horrific. Part of the day is when they squeeze some form of yogurt down his open mouth that he can't close. No.

Because he wants to fucking die. I know. And all his real friends died 40 years ago. Yeah. Like, the people he really, like, his glory glory day those guys have been dead for decades yeah just these young assholes like we love you pop and he's like all right yeah imagine like 50 years it's just you and tiktok stars yes horrible just wrinkly as fuck oh old people are disgusting they would have to stop all of aging not not just internal. They have to figure out how to keep the shell.

There's got to be. And then can extend. The secret's in the liver. No, we'd have to have abilities to move over to other planets. You can't have all these people. Yeah, that I like that. I like that. I mean, look at Starbucks now.

It's jam-packed. So it's got the whole planet. Yeah. It is. The mobile orders are a problem. The Asians. I hate Asians. impact so it's got the whole planet yeah it is the mobile orders are a problem the asians hate asians especially in starbucks i'm only kidding no there is nothing worse than being at like a gas station like a or like a rest stop starbucks and someone orders something like exotic it's like dude just fucking get a regular coffee and move on there's got to be a black

coffee line in every store there should be in every store i just want i'm not an asshole i just want to drip yes well this is what i i drink tea and i go to starbucks excessively i have to cut back on it but tea and black coffee the the the register person gets it at starbucks yeah they just turn and get it so it's great because i have to wait in line but when i get there i say uh you know grande emperor's clouds tea and then they just turn and pour and just hand it to you so i'm out and then you can see all the people being like how the fuck did he get his drink yeah i'm like henry hill i just get a table well i don't go there anymore i go to the baristas around here so i gotta wait behind you know three kids getting

yeah cupcakes and a fucking drink and scratch to get the people that scratch scratch it gets at the counter it's horrendous yeah i'm very upset joe we should kill a lot of people we should yeah would you do that but the four of us should go kill some yeah yeah why not i always think about this if i did have you know a lung full lung full of tumors. Would you kill people? I got a few days left. Somebody's coming with me. Really? It's not bad.

I mean, are you talking just like a spree, like whoever's around or like some specific people? No, it would have to be specific. It would have to be, so you'd have to,

you know, you'd have to have an existing relationship with somebody that you'd want to. It would be really fun to assassinate somebody big, you know? Yeah, but that's to really like a world changing assassination. This is how you get want to offer. It would be really fun to assassinate somebody big, you know? Yeah, but that's... To really like a world-changing assassination.

This is how you get your podcast taken. Why? You can... That's not against the terms of service, right? I don't know. Pondering assassinating a world leader? It doesn't seem great. I don't know.

Stop saying it so many times. Who would we get get what are we talking because you got to be careful because this is like what's that unintended consequence you kill the leader of what like Saddam Hussein and ISIS or whatever that's what happened you kick the hornet's nest yes

yeah it's tough maybe a booker that'd be big it's like small scale dictator but I feel like maybe a booker that'd be that's like small scale dictator you know but i feel like with a booker you want more of like a long-term psychological squeeze yeah you know what i mean assassination doesn't quite do it for what they've done to people a booker you could just tie him up and torture him for the last week of your life yeah that's fun look at the energy for that if you got cancer well it keeps you alive these are a few things you'll miss i always think a silencer would be fun like that yeah somebody i don't know

the comment i think it might have been a guy named mike dunham it's an old it was a bit that was told to me but it's the funniest observation in the history of comedy is in movies when somebody gets killed with a silencer they die quiet which makes no sense. And it's funny because I just saw it happen. I was watching Kindergarten Cop was on, which I hadn't seen in 20 years. And it literally happens. They're like, and the guy's like, oh. And it's every movie.

For some reason, it doesn't make any sense. They would still be like, ah! And it's like, that might be the best comedy observation I've ever heard. Yeah, it's brilliant. I'm surprised I've never seen it in like an action comedy. You know what I mean? Like a Hot Shots part two or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is every movie. I just quietly fall down. It's like a fucking long dart. Yeah, it's insane. Kindergarten Cop. Great film. Man, I haven't seen Kindergarten Cop. Great film.

Man, I haven't seen Kindergarten Cop in forever. I hadn't either. That last action hero. I haven't seen that in forever. Jodie Manscaped. I love Manscaped. Are you kidding? Yeah, it's the best. Sick.

What's your style? My what now? Your style. Yeah, how do you shape it up down there? Oh. Or do you? I didn't know that was a follow-up question. I just, I thought you meant like the company. Yeah, the company. But what do you do? Oh know there was a follow-up question um i just uh i thought you meant like

the company yeah yeah the company but what do you do oh what do i do what's your uh what time i did the naked show years ago when i was drinking obviously and i tried to shave mickey mouse ears into my thing but it just ended up looking like an elephant yeah the long trunk that's clever so i'll do that i just do a a regular trail. I go clean where the scraggly hair is, and then the puberty hair, I just nice. Fake. Nice and short. Yeah. I like this.

Nice and short. That's my style. And I use the lawnmower. Yeah. The lawnmower 4.0. Yes, exactly. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code stuffile on manscape.com. That's 20% off free shipping with the code stuff. I own at manstate.com.

Manscape, a perfect gift for the holidays. Biggest hit. Yeah. You got to shape it up for the holidays. You go home. Hey, don't want your mother to see you.

It's going to be like, what are you doing out there in New York? My dad, my dad would think it's a, you know, a mustache kid. He would never, I'm sure he's got a bouffant.

You think he's got a full bush? A hundred percent. There's no way. Kind of bums me out. My parents would worry about it. Yeah. Yeah. As a married man, I often go a long time without touching it.

Yeah. What do I care? But my dad shaves every day. Oh, wow. Shaves his face. Yeah. Yeah. So what?

So it's just weird to think that he's not shaving his balls. Well, people look at his face. Is his dick going to work? I don't know. It feels like it would extend to the rest of the body. You know what I mean? So you're saying your face is a perfect representation of what your dick looks like. Yeah, it's crazy to me that you'd shave your face every day and just have just raggedy balls.

Well, what about his chest? Do you think he shaves his chest? He doesn't really have chest hair. Interesting. Well, maybe that's why. Maybe he is going bald everywhere. Your dad's gay. That's crazy.

That's interesting. Wow. Well, then he's definitely shaving his balls, right? You can't be a gay old man and have hairy balls. No. Right? It's crazy because I go to the gym and some of these guys, these old guys, their bush is so big. Because I think the dick shrinks, maybe.

It looks weird. Yeah. It looks like a peanut in a bush. Yeah, exactly. The bush becomes bigger than the dick. Yeah. That bush has grown out so long. That's what I think it is. it's a giant bush and the dick gets

it's a combo yeah hi i mean that's that's tough you never want a woman digging through the shrubs just having to part the hair give a hand job how's your special doing I think it's doing okay. It's starting to climb-ish. I'm not good at doing the thing. I didn't go to LA. I should have done more podcasts. I did like six and I was like, that feels right. Well, you do a bunch yourself.

It's fucking tiring. It's a lot, but it's doing good. I think we had like 1.75 million or something like that. It's hard because the previous one did so well, but it was on Comedy Central's thing. So it's got like 8.5 million. So it's like more algorithmic, but it's doing well.

That's awesome. Yeah. It's called This Year's Material if people want to check it out. It's a good special. Oh, thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah, it's fun.

And the subscribers have gone. Everything's just YouTube now. Are you still? The industry's out. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. For us, anyways.

For us, Anyways. Yeah. Just up in Vermont trying to assassinate. We're straight YouTube. Yeah. But yeah, it's doing, uh, it's doing good. I don't know.

I'm going to, are you still doing the MMA stuff? Are you training? Not, I haven't in a while. I keep wanting to get back. I miss it, but,

um, I haven't done it in a while i should did you do muay thai i did just uh mma standard strike with diego do you guys know diego lopez yeah yeah he's the best no i don't know he went i trained with him and i was like fucking on it like doing once sometimes twice a week for like a year and then covid hit and we had to shut it down i went this is the best we like It was when COVID kind of could be open, but not really. And it was like mask required pre-vaccine. And so we did standing strike.

I feel like we were both feeling the other out. Like, I guess we'll wear a mask. And then we were doing like, you know, striking shit with masks on. And then I was like, all right, let's roll. And he's like, well, I think we're not exhaling as much let's no mass for rolling okay so then we're just like rolling with no mask on i'm like yeah this doesn't make any sense um but so i haven't been going as much sin and then i don't know i want to go back because i'm terrified all the time i'm gonna beat

up yeah did you when you were doing, did you ever think about fighting anybody? No. I mean, I think about it because you're training, but I not in any practicality. I was like, I can't, I'm not that. Yeah.

Did you fight? No. It's the idea of like, there's certain people that are fighters and certain people that are, I don't have it in me. Like we spar and he beats the shit out of me. And one time ever he threw a punch and I countered and like caught him like pretty square in the face. I mean

we're like spar like 50% 60% Yeah. Kind of almost like playing tag and I just like got him pretty good and I was like oh I'm sorry and he's like don't do that. Yeah. I just don't have it in me. I hit somebody and I'm like oh fuck Jesus. That would feel good. All of my dreams

most of my dreams are me unable to punch somebody. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, I throw it like so hard and it literally, my fist just dies and won't get to them. It's just like, it's horrible. No, it's hard. And I'm not- I feel like hitting someone in the face would really break something loose for me.

I also have, and I'm like an athletic person, so I understand how to do it. When we're sparring, like I have this natural instinct. When he throws like a jab at my stomach, I react with my whole body. And then you're just like, oh, fuck. And then he's tagged in the face. You're like, I don't, like you're supposed to check punches like this. I'm like doing like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's very kind because i'm like i'm trying to undo like 40 years of pussiness and he's like well no it's like thousands of years of like evolution yeah yeah yeah like a rock comes at you you're not like you know what i mean yeah you don't tie your car exactly so um but no i loved it and it was fun but as far as like actually fighting a person, it's, that's too out of their fucking mind. Defense, self-defense. Yeah.

Fun. I mean, it gives you like a sense of, I understand of how to fight and then like doing jujitsu of like, Oh, I think more when I was training, I'm like, I could probably get someone on the ground and fucking snap their arm,

which is a healthy thing to know. I know how to choke somebody out. So you're like, but I did this in my act. I'm like, I can beat someone up if they're cooperating with me yes like if i'm like would you mind sitting down with your back to me because i'm gonna put you right out but if they're fighting back i'm like in trouble but also it was just it was fun it was exercise and also like i'm a mental

case so it was like a good facing fear of bullshit that's why i go to the gym. That's the only reason I go to the gym. Yeah, you try to stay Yeah, it's better than psychiatry or therapy. Yeah, I gotta start talking to somebody. I mean, it's my only therapy, so I don't know that I should talk to somebody as well. Well, I mean, fighting too, and Diego said this, and I think there's a line in Fight Club

which is not a film I love, but getting punched in the face does turn the volume down and everything out like it's it's like you know what i mean like doing a set is less scary when a fucking black belt just choked you to death yeah like oh shit yeah this is not that bad so i saw a fight video uh like two nights ago where this dude is like casually true mma guys are dangerous as fuck obviously and you don't know who is an MMA guy. That's what's unbelievably scary. And there's so many more of them now.

Oh, it's nuts. Exactly. They're fucking everywhere. I've said this for years with comics, where comics would be like, shut up, you cunt. And after, I'm like, do you know how to fight? Yeah, yeah. Like, that guy could just kill you.

You're a real person. Yeah. Once you get off the stage, you're just. Yeah, like, whoops. I don't know if it was in south america or miami but there was these two dudes on the ground outside of a bar and one guy is like literally playing with them trying to get into a certain move like he's like not even he's just slowly moving his head this way and he gets his arm starts pulling it backwards and i think he's gonna stop like don't fuck with

me and just kept going until it snapped oh he just slowly put this guy in a little form and snapped his arm backwards have you ever broken a bone no i've never broken a bone it's my worst fear dude it's nasty i have not either i've had like two severe ankle sprains but the idea of like a bone being like yeah yeah, it's crazy. My, yeah, just, and it's,

this is also what bothers me about watching the fucking world cup. Cause they always like hold their face and roll around. And it's like, no one ever reacts to an injury like that. It's not a real reaction. Right. It's totally fake reaction. It's like getting us hit.

Do you ever see a guy, a guy breaks his leg in half and the, he'll just be like, yeah, they don't believe it. you know what i mean it's so catastrophic that you're just like what the they try to get away from it it doesn't happen remember the guy the louisville player the march madness that i think it was 2012 or 2013. Remember that?

And he snapped his leg in half. In half right here, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was fucking. Oh, yeah. It was great. Like the bench was throwing up. A guy on the bench just puked.

Like literally. And he just jumped up and came down. He hadn't any milk or something. It just literally fucking broke in half. Yeah. I remember it was on my birthday. I was like, oh, this is my birthday. Well, those kickboxers have stress factors that they don't,

they don't know about. They like dead in the legs. Yeah. No, it's fucking crazy. Like I had, I was kind of like half sparring with Lewis.

Lewis is the best and crazy. So we would just like, he would finish his session with Diego and I would come in. So there was an overlap. And then two funny things. Lewis would be like, I'll just do deep. I'm like, I can't spar with you. You're crazy. And you're a much higher level. And I don't know. session with diego and i would come in so there was an overlap and then two funny things lewis would be like i'll just do deep i like i can't spar with you you're crazy and you're a much

higher level and i don't know he's big too he's big and like diego is so disciplined so we'll spar at like 60 and like he i'm like don't break my nose i'm not looking he's like i won't i promise lewis you're like he's gonna break my nose immediately so we were gonna spar it's like an untrue untrue pitbull coming out of the fucking kitchen well he's like i'll do defense only and i'm like okay we can spar that way great so we're like throwing thing and all of a sudden it goes off for like 20 seconds and he just counters and fucking socks me in the face and i was like what the fuck and he's like well i gotta throw some punches and i'm like but that's we just broke the biggest contract in life.

I got friends fighting. Yes. But we, anyways, the story was like, it's also, it's just like, I feel like he's got a big enough ego where he can't just.

Yeah. He's not getting punches in. He's not going to take it. Yeah. I mean, Lewis is scary as fuck. He kills somebody. But we were,

so I threw like a kick and then he just checked it and i literally threw it at like 40 you guys it's on video somewhere you can find it it looks like it's in slow-mo and i was like dying and he's like are you kidding and i'm like no that hurts and you watch the video it is humiliating it probably is like that hard yeah but i was a distance runner, so I feel like my shins are sensitive. Shot. Yeah. Also, just, I mean, this is another thing that everyone spends most of their day trying to avoid is any contact with the shin.

Yeah. A fucking bone-to-bone shin contact is horrific. It's disgusting. And I said this again with Diego. Oh, do you fight oh that's nasty doing jesus the subway your eggs wait what rail god god just walking down the stairs no no no this is right on top i like to see pain that's nice that's gross for you but no i we were when we were i was first like training i'm so fascinated by it

and that's how you check a leg kick you just put your chin up yeah and i was like doesn't that hurt really bad and he's like, but it hurts him too. So he won't want to do it. And I'm like, this is not the sport for me. It's like, I have a crippling injury, but he does also. So I'm not even out. That's kind of my thing. MMA, like training.

Do you rotate your legs so some of the meat's getting out there? That's what I thought. But no, you want it out. So it like. Just bone to bone? Hurts. Oh my God. It's one of those sports, if you're not serious about, like it's always like, it'd just bone to bone hurts oh my god like it's one of those sports if you're not

serious about like it's always like it'd be nice to grapple learn how to grapple yeah like the whole sparring shit it's like if i'm doing this once a week you know it's like zumba class for women it's like look it's i'm not gonna go like it would make you better at fucking. Yeah? Yeah. Learning to roll around like that. You're not going to put your fucking girl on a headlock. No, no. But you're learning how to throw your hips and like, you know. Yeah, maybe. You're rotating around in bed and you're like, I'm not doing this right.

Well, the nice thing about it is it's usable. Like doing tennis is cardio. Zumba, I don't know what Zumba is, but like whatever it is, you can't do that if a guy's like give me your wallet you know what i mean but you might be able to kick his leg in i get it i totally understand it's just like at what point and what level do we really kick it up a notch do i need to start kicking bamboo trees to ed in some of my nerves no that's you know what i mean they hold up like it looks like hockey pad. So you put pads on your shins too.

Yeah, if you're sparring. We're sparring, we're wearing gloves, no headgear. We're not pussies, but there's like shin guard things. But then there's like kicks to the ribs and stuff. It hurts. Yeah, two of my boys do it, Butterly and Rainy. They're like really good.

Yeah, there's a bunch of comics. He had like a stable of comics so you know brendan air yeah yeah he's i think he moved to maine but i thought he was in cleveland i think he's in maine now but he's a cleveland guy a hilarious comic but he's a guy i would watch yeah i mean he's like built like a brick shithouse and he trained a lot he would throw kicks that i was like this guy guy's a dangerous person. Yeah. Yeah. That is good. Yeah. That's something I would like to do too. Just like figuring out how to get your weight behind a punch or a kick.

No, that stuff is fun and it's satisfying. Yeah. And then you start throwing those combos and shit. You should go. You should go train with Diego. It's 40 bucks for the hour. I feel like it would make me like want to fight people. Yeah.

I think you should. I don't want. I'll pay for it. What? No, I don't. I don't. You need to go get a bag. I't i don't i don't i'd get drunk and i would think that i could do stuff well the idea is to you learn how to fight so you don't have to fight yeah but is there that psychological is it like uh becoming a samurai i never wanted to fight i don't want to fight anybody i think you would you would already have that problem

you'd have a history of fight bar fights no because i don't know how to fight and i don't want to break any bones so i you wouldn't transfer into that mentality i would i'd be a there'd be more brinksmanship and like you know like you know instead of like de-escalating situation you know you run into a situation you're like i could turn this into a fight yeah second sure i almost thought you could just be like all right man come on this drunk mexican last week was in um i'm saying it because it was a language barrier because i couldn't understand what he was saying to the girl and this poor little barista i was in the coffee shop around the corner a kinship with uh with my girl and she was there was like four or five people in there when we walked in and it was very weird like as as soon as we walked in, it was weird energy

and I didn't know why yet. And this guy is drunkenly eating a scone on the counter. That's not a good drunk meal. He's saying it to her and she's like clearly uncomfortable. And he's like, I can do anything for you forever. And he's like hitting on her. And he's fucking hammered, dude. I don't know if you've seen that

see that's the confidence i would have 3 p.m black is eating this guy and he's wearing like a vest a vest and i like no one was doing anything so i looked at her i was like are you all right and she's like yes but she kind of looked like no so then i was like we had plans and we had plans to leave and my girl was like we should stay from like yeah absolutely so i just sat there and stared at him and then looked at everybody else and everybody else was kind of like you know very nervous for what this guy could possibly do so finally i just got up like hey man it's time to go you gotta leave that's how he's like and i was like no but you're about to and he's like why are you even talking to me just going falling out of his face and i looked him up and down i'm like i could easily knock

this fucking guy out yeah i wasn't scared and i was like well now i was like i'll give you one minute and then i sat back down with with my girl and i was like i'm shaking yeah because i all i want to do is put his fucking head through the window but this is my place this is my this is my barista i don't want to scare her and there's there's like five people in here you also don't want to pay for a window well i know he's probably and i also like i looked him up and down because i'm like what does he have on you know what i mean so it does i didn't think he had a gun but he could have a knife and this guy this guy clearly is a fucking maniac it would suck if you went to hit him and he was a drunken master yeah no he was you ever see jackie chan legend of the drunken master no it's a kung fu movie where he has to get shit

face and then he like fucking he fucks people up yeah it's like his his like goofy movements helping yeah no i never saw it it's fucking amazing yeah just walk him out and then finally the girl was like thank you and then like the people clapped oh wow because he had been there for so long sexually advancing on this poor little girl she was like fucking 20 years old you're like kurt russell in tombstone you should be like 20 of the house wow that's amazing but that's the kind of skill that you be but be nice just put him in an arm bar because my whole thing would be like grab him from the back of the neck like a bouncer right but i would like to like you know you don't have an action

plan yeah yeah yeah the action plan was to literally manhandle him and open the door with his face right bouncer but it's all question marks you don't know what the fuck's gonna right yeah no but that's why i was like shaking because you're looking at the window you're like through the window i would kill him now being like a jujitsu black belt would be cool i always wanted to be there i always had the fantasy being like this wrong guy yeah walk out of here like that thing where you're like whoa shit it's so calm it's terrifying yeah i've seen that in a fight where it's like guys like you got the wrong guy and then the other guy was like okay and you're like oh great was in a fight he's like a well-known

like boxer and he got in a fight with this dude was like being a dickhead and he said the guy squared up and his feet positioning and if they threw like one punch each and they both were like all right because they both knew like it's just a dog barking itself in the mirror like you this guy's a fighter too we don't have to do this yeah yeah they stopped dude like i my buddy used to play for for notre dame on the football team and uh we went out with him once, like in New York. And I figure we're rolling around with fucking D linemen. It was Brady Quinn, who's like fucking huge.

He's a 20 year old, just jacked guys. You're on his back like Lord of the Rings. Yeah, dude. Well, we were drinking and I was like, this is not safe. They might fall on me. But I thought that nobody would fuck with these guys it was the opposite literally every dude everywhere was trying to pick a fight with one yeah it's like what do you guys there's like a badge of honor knocking down the biggest dude for some reason

i think people people like that people like oh look at these big guys they think they're better than us it's like that kind of mindset yeah we were literally just standing around drinking no one was being a dick or anything. It's just like every once in a while, some drunk I would wander up and be like, what's your problem? What? I would love if we could cut to just insert and you guys are like, hey, fuck you. You're fucking fucking. We weren't doing anything.

You guys have your dicks out and shit and it's like, oh. I got my arm around one of the girls like, what are you doing with these fangs? Are you sticking around for Patreon? Yeah like, he's with these fags? Yeah. All right, you sticking around for Patreon? Yeah, we do.

You want me to? Yeah, if you want to, yeah. We said that like, I was like, I don't know, I didn't know about this,

but sure, I'll stick around. This is what we do. We don't tell you when it starts, we don't tell you when it ends. Okay, great. It usually ends when Tommy has to take a piss.

I do have to take a piss. Was that good? Was that fun? Yeah.