Stuff Island - Stuff Island #59 - horny w/ Joey Avery

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

Stuff Island #59 - horny w/ Joey Avery - Chris & Tommy are joined by the hilarious Joey Avery to discuss the World Cup, Israel/Palestine stuff, Iceland vs. Greenland, being horny at the airport, remote control autists, Gordon Ramsay, & much, much more. Cheers, and enjoy - Full episodes also available on Apple/Spotify/etc. & bonus episodes are available on our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/stuffisland - Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch.. Each week they'll talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish & twice a month they live stream VR Golf and Onward with fans. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Thank you, and God bless Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Fucking doors open Yeah, yeah, you know that's a lot of bad luck yeah, yeah It's a lot of people think it's surface area. No. It's weight. It's weight. Dude, a year later, I'm just fucking deep sea fishing. I'm just hauling fucking crabs out of Alaska.

I'm addicted to crack. Just getting sucked off by my mate. Did you hear that in Ari's like juice special? They had, they actually have a thing where like, like let's say you're making like a big like stew. If someone like came by and threw pork in it, like how much pork before it's like you can't eat it. You can't eat.

Yeah. Isn't it any pork? I mean. No, no, no, no. There's like a percentage. Oh really? And it's done you can't eat it. You can't eat it? Yeah. Isn't it any pork? I mean, no, no, no, no. There's like a percentage. Oh really? It's done by like volume. So it's like figuring out like how much gay stuff you can do.

There's a threshold. I just shirked them off. Yeah. What? We're at a carnival. He bought, he bought everything. Yeah. I mean, how different is that than jerking yourself off?

Yeah. Look away. Yeah. What's a gay shit you ever did? Oh, that's a good question. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. How different is that than jerking yourself off? Yeah. You gotta just look away. Yeah. What's the gayest shit you ever did?

Oh, that's a good question. Why? It's fucking... It's a good question. I got a story. Yeah? Go ahead. This isn't going to be that exciting, but the day after my wedding, I was feeling myself,

may or may not have had some mushrooms going on. Yeah. And I decided I was going to kiss all of my boys on the lips Geez, so I went around kissing all of my groomsmen on the lips and loved it tremendous. Yeah But it was it was almost more like Indian than gay Natural yeah, yeah, they like hold pinkies and you know oh do they yeah I saw Russell Peters stand up once yeah

yeah it has a spice to it you know what I mean just like their food they just put a little spice on their romance their old pinkies romance

I could see you holding a pinky I would love to hold a pinky I know you know what I'm a big fan of speaking of

World Cup see that's nice um and then you kind of walk down the avenue yeah it was whoever is overhanded is in the power position yeah if you're underhand pinky you're a bitch did i go over i don't know i think you got i think i got you the vote is in you're both bitches. Also, fucking European soccer players, man.

I love the way they love. Do you know what I mean? The embrace these boys do to their fellas. Yeah. They go like forehead to forehead. I love the forehead to forehead thing. Yeah. Dude, if there was a, if we meet at a bar, we do like a little handshake and then we

just hold forehead to forehead. Yeah. I bet you every dude would be like a Jerry Maguire scene. NBA guys go forehead to forehead yeah i bet you every dude would be like a jerry mcguire scene guys go forehead to forehead it's not the same no it's not the same they're lacking passion no okay no yeah they do it like fucking baker does he just slams his forehead on a helmet like it's not real those dudes hold the embrace you know yeah it's beautiful they smile into each other's eyes give a big you know yeah i mean? It's beautiful. They smile into each other's eyes, give a big, you know. Yeah, I mean, they're playing for the country. They're playing for God and country.

Yeah, well, even if they were, they're having fucking empanadas. This is an amazing spinach and cheese. Yeah, do you taste the turmeric in there? Do you taste the turmeric? Oh, I feel this turmeric. Slice of the little olives. It's an American travesty.

Yeah, we need to be a lot gayer. That aggressive alpha males can't be loving and sensitive. Yeah. And vulnerable. Yeah, I love my boys. Yeah, a lot. Yeah, I'm starting to, I was worried. I feel like I need to be more passionate about my boys.

You think so? Yeah. You wake up in the middle of the night and you're like, they don't know. I was 10 confirmed. They don't know. I was talking to you about this in LA. Yeah. Where I was just like, you know what?

I need to call my friends. But I always thought about calling you and just being like, dude, what's going on? You know, that would have been great because I saw on someone's Instagram story. I'm like, oh, they're at the fucking Chargers game. Would have gone. Yeah. That call would have gone a long way. It was funny, I almost thought about going to that game

at like 3 o'clock that day. I was like, no one likes the Chargers. I bet I can go on game time or whatever and get in the building for 50 bucks. I could have, but then I was like, I don't know if I want to go all the way down there. I saw you guys were there and I was like, I would have done it for that. It's nuts. You're right. Nobody gives a fuck

about the Chargers. No one gives a fuck about the Chargers. The whole stadium was Dolphins. Even the Rams. When the Niners play the Rams, it is a Niners home game and just a nicer stadium. Didn't that happen in the playoffs? Oh, yeah. We call it Levi's South because we just cuck the Rams. We beat the fuck out

of them and we buy all the tickets and just own the stadium. It's like Philadelphia going to Washington for the Eagles and the Phillies, you know? Yeah. Yeah. You just take it over. It feels so good. If you're in a, if you're in our stadiums in Philly, like it's so intense. If you see one opposing Jersey, you're like, that guy's got fucking nuts, dude.

Yeah. And the odd thing is in LA, like as a, I'm a San Francisco Giants fan as well. If you go to a Dodgers game in Giants gear, it's kind of LA, like, as a, I'm a San Francisco Giants fan as well, if you go to a Dodgers game in Giants gear, it's kind of like, okay, something could happen. A dude got beat to death in the parking lot. Yeah, but that's like, that's like the Compton cats, right? They're fucking the hardcore

Raiders Mexicans. Dude, fucking street Mexicans that are Raiders fans are bad, dude. They lump you up. Win or lose, it doesn't matter. You're getting smashed. You get the Latinos into a sport. I like that.

They go Philly real quick. Very passionate Latinos. I went to a Raiders game undercover one time. They weren't playing the Niners, so I just went and wore all black and was like, I'm one of you. It was kind of tight. I was like, I want to beat someone the fuck up right now i want to smash with the boys it does it does bleed into your yeah your energy it is dude getting into a mob is fun it's great yeah being part of a

mob i like the mob the mob mentality kind of rules i was hoping fucking i was hoping all the the uh you know the boys in town here in astoria were going to go wild when Morocco lost to France. I was ready to throw stones at them, dude. I'm not a lady. It doesn't matter. You cheated. Acid baths everywhere. Because we have a heavy Moroccan population here.

I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. It's heavy Moroccan population here. I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. It's heavy Moroccan. Like, when they won to get into the semis, it was like traffic jam for two hours. Yeah. That sounds incredible.

Nobody was going anywhere. They were just honking their horns. They go outside, get in a car. They might just break into another car just to blow a horn.

They fucking love horns. My downstairs neighbor was like... But everyone does. It's the same thing in Philly when they won yeah yeah yeah but this is texted me and she was like did I miss a parade or something I was like no Morocco just want dude yeah that's it you don't understand how how the depth yeah oh

yeah Muslim culture here in the story it's beautiful dude I was at Sissy McGinty's last night and they were still rocking not a muslim bar i know it's an irish pub it's not arabic but they were there in force i bet and they were they were i was literally i walked in there and i was just like fuck france fuck france i was alone on the train and having that vibe i was like dude fuck france colonizers and having that vibe. I was like, dude, fuck France. Colonizers. 100% English blood. French colonizing pieces of shit.

Yeah, but it's the way they did it. 100%. The way the French do everything pisses me off, dude. Fuck them. They can lose

everything forever. I was team Morocco. Dude, I was ready. They almost made me be like, I was finally, I was like, I gotta look into this Palestine thing.

Yeah. First of all, 100%. They have a point. Yeah. Look into it. Do yourself a favor. I haven't looked into it a point yeah look into it just like don't throw rocks at our allies furious and be angry and not know how to feel. Yeah. That's really...

I almost put a fucking maroon bath towel around my shoulders just to support. Yeah, dude. They were fired up. They were... They said FIFA fucked them.

I didn't get to watch the second half, so I can't corroborate. I think they were likely going to lose that match. No matter what. Yeah. It wasn't all...

I mean, I don't know. I watched it on the train from Boston to here and I, you know, honestly, there were a few calls I thought Morocco got away with. Really? Yeah.

I don't know shit. I was going to say, I'm a once in every four year soccer fan. No, I get down with soccer, but I, they just need to change everything about the game. They just,

they do. Dude. Yeah, that's a yeah that's a girl like I really put it on ice make the goal smaller sticks maybe now you got a soccer match soccer no they do they got it they got to do they first of all they need to they need to do like a 10 second count like if the ball goes out of bounds it's 10 seconds you better throw that motherfucker in otherwise just just start throwing out red also they're getting fed hit him with a red delay a game yeah yeah red all that little ticky tack bullshit that they do needs to get it should be the size of a football field and half the amount of guys no i, I like the space. I like everything about...

They just need to get the rules down. They did indoor soccer for a bit and it was fucking electric. I don't know if it was. Did you ever see it? It's like half the size. But it's probably how arena football is also cool, but we're not gonna...

What am I... I'm not gonna watch the B version of a sport. I get it. If you're a purist. Yeah. No one's watching XFL. They don't like football. Right.

No one's watching XFL to begin with. I gave it a shot. When it came back, I was like, I'm just going to plant my flag. I'm going to be an XFL guy. I recorded all the games. I was like, I'm going to do an XFL podcast. I watched the first half of a game. I was like, I'm out.

You're watching like five carpenters. Sports need history. They need history. If I don't have context for who the Las Vegas Red Runners are, I'm not going to fucking give a shit. A hundred percent. And dude, Philly's like a big sports town. The Philadelphia Soul won, I think, the championship maybe three or four years

in a row, and I don't think I didn't hear a peep. Yeah. Same thing with soccer. The Union's a decent squad. Philly Union is a good team. I do have high hopes the MLS will come up and get big. No, it never will. No? No.

No. I don't know. This next World Cup is in, apparently one of them's in Philly in that stadium. The stadium's gorgeous. Yeah. The next World Cup is Canada, US, and Mexico. Yeah. It's all North America. I know, which was also, I was like Mexico. Yeah, it's all North America.

I know, which was also, I was like, I kind of forgot Mexico was North America. It's awfully central. Go to a Dodgers game, you'll be confused. Did you know Greenland is North America? No, I didn't. I guess maybe it's on the continent. Tectonic plate. It's on the plate. And so it's tech, because I was looking at North America, because I was like, damn, I didn't. I guess maybe it's on the continent. Tectonic plate. It's on the plate. And so it's tech, because I was looking at North

America because I was like, damn, fuck, Mexico. We were having an ignorant lunch and we were like, Mexico? And then I was like, Greenland? What? So it participates as Europe, but technically it is North America. Well, it does have North American energy, you know? What, Greenland? Yeah. The fuck are you talking about?

It's scientific sheds. I know, but it's totally... 17 feet of snow. No one gives a fuck about Greenland? Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? It's scientific sheds. 17 feet of snow. No one gives a fuck about Greenland. The way that it fraudulently represents itself on the map is real. That's US stuff. It has a fucked up projection. When you flatten out the globe, it gets hell big.

Greenland looks like it's the size of Africa. It literally does. Greenland's got those mall mirrors on. Literally, it's like Rhode Island. Greenland's got those mall mirrors on. Damn, I look good in this. Shut the fuck up.

It's like, dude, if I lived in Iceland, I'd be so pissed at Greenland on the map. Yeah. Because I swear Greenland's not that much bigger.

It's like seeing an ugly girl from school just angle her face in an IG picture. You're like, you don't look like that. Yeah. There's no way.

I've seen you. Good from far, far from good. Not today, Greenland. Not today. What does Greenland do? What are they? The only thing I remember is from D2, Mighty Ducks 2. Did you ever see that movie?

I definitely did, but I don't remember. There was some hot Icelandic chick. She was like, it's a common misconception. Greenland is full of ice and Iceland is very green. That's all I know about it. That is the end of my knowledge. Damn, I thought I learned that in school. I got it from D2.

D2, she was a smoke show. Yeah, it's like a fucking Jew going, why are you driving a parkway and parking a driveway? Well, I think, I remember hearing that it was like a... I think I heard... Oh, you mean comedian? fucking a jew going why are you driving a parkway and parking a driveway well i think i remember hearing that it was like a long time ago i just hear seinfeld's voice saying that yeah i was hearing woody allen saying real borscht belt stuff i heard yeah i heard it was like a trick i heard it was a trick that they like they They got to Iceland and they were like this place is dope. We don't want anyone to come here. Oh

Yeah, it's called a town Rape town is so much smaller We got space to run I'd rather go to consensual sex land. Yeah. Which is only enough. It's full of rape. And rape town is full of consensual sex land.

Just high end wealthy men raping. To Connecticut consensual town. Damn, Connecticut fucking sucks, dude. I'll be there Friday

in New Haven. I don't think I've been to Connecticut. I took the train through it, and I have to go back tomorrow. Beautiful train ride. Great train. Down from Boston? Yeah.

And I got a hot tip from someone who came to my show in Boston. He was like, sit on the left side. Yes. And so I did, and I got all the coastline. It was a pro tip. I could have told you that. As we talked about, we don't call each other. We're not a good friend, Chris.

You are the type of guy that I should hit up have told you that. As we talked about, we don't call each other. You're not a good friend, Chris. You are the type of guy that I should hit up for random transit tips. What side of the train should I sit on? What boat is best from here to there? Did you take regular Amtrak or Acela? I took regular because the Acela was a little more expensive. And I was like, just... Did you go cafe car? I was near it, but I didn't know sit in the cafe is it good

no fantastic this is an argument we have never sit in the acela's cafe car the acela the acela is rude how fucked up the cafe car is why dude it doesn't have like stools yeah there's stools dude when i see the stools in the acela cafe car i can't tell you how many times I've heard this. It's unbelievable. The shit that drives him nuts. It's fucking crazy. Dude, when I see the stools in the cafe car, I think of the spikes they put outside of banks. So that birds don't sit there.

You feel like a pigeon? That's why you're upset, guys. Also, it's not for the birds. It's for the homeless, too. On the roof, though. Yeah, yeah. On the roof, homeless. Hom, yeah. On the roof. On the roof.

Homeless. Those guys are athletes. Yeah. Oh, I see you're into your first year of crack. He's still scaling buildings. He'll slow down in about six months. You're in the parkour phase. Dude, also, the fucking, what he claims to be a great seat, the cafe car in a regular Amtrak it's it's a cafeteria table

where it's like a picnic bench under an awning in the middle of a hole there's zero comfort do you see you're sitting outlets a wooden bench you got outlets you got outlets you got booze and right there you got a table and then you can lay out on the bench no one lays out on the bench if you have any respect for the other people i don't have any respect for the other i know this it's killer be killed on those trains they were like they're like trains about to get crowded if you can move your stuff off the other seat i just took more things off and placed them there fuck you i want to make this so heavy the conductor conductor can't lift it. Start putting on a fake cast. Two casts and a bunch of shit next to me. Oh, dude.

Yeah. You never fake sleep deeper than on a train when you're trying to keep that. Dude. Dude, train travel is kind of nice, though. It is the air travel of ground travel. It is. And it's probably better than a plane unless you're just fucking. I have no security.

Yeah. You get there a little bit before. Yeah, it's probably better than a plane unless you're fucking- I have no security. Yeah. There's no- Get there a little bit before. Yeah. It's just like, please don't blow up any trains. They don't bother you. That's the best part. Yeah.

They don't bother you. And you also like, you can just switch. Like my, our last flight to Irvine was, was hell. I was next to this autistic Asian guy. Truly. Yeah. I mean, I'm not fucking around. I believe you.

He was like the dude in the, you know, what's the love show? Love on the Spectrum? Truly. Yeah. I mean, I'm not fucking around. I believe you. He was like the dude in the, you know, what's the love show? Love on Spectrum? Yeah, yeah. So like any of them. He literally rattled a pill bottle,

pork thing, at first. He rattled a pill bottle and he's like, I have... Attempted empathy. Yeah, yeah. Empathy turns to anger so fast.

I'm gonna go through the phases. I'm gonna go through the phrases i'm gonna go through all the phrases because at first i was like oh and he's like i'm gonna have to use a bathroom pretty frequently and i was like okay yeah no problem and then like 10 minutes later he's like i i was like jesus christ get the ilc okay maybe yeah get it out 15 minutes after that can i and i was like dude this is a six hour fucking flight. You see, I'm getting up every 10 minutes. And then I thought to myself,

I'm just going to switch. I'll take the middle. Yeah. It's one of those flights where there's three in the middle, two on both sides. Yep. And then his,

he couldn't, he was watching Bullet Train, that hack ass movie. Uh-huh. Just came out. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. Yeah, I haven't either. It does not surprise me he was watching a't seen it. I haven't seen it either. Yeah, I haven't either.

It does not surprise me he was watching a film about trains. I'm sure it's good. Yes. Not only that, he kept, he would watch it, he'd get to like 45 minutes

and then he would rewind to like a certain part and he would just shift it. And I think his activity fucked up the screen. So it started malfunctioning. Yeah. Because he kept touching it.

Yeah. So then the light thing would come up like when you touch it once the menu would come up and he would go and then he starts moaning and I'm like

I'm trying to watch Godfather 2 out of respect and I'm like peering at his screen and I'm like Jesus Christ You're both being on brand right now.

I'm like stop touching the screen it'll come back to you don't touch the screen. Did you say that to him? Sure enough, yes. Yeah, of course. I was like just let it screen I'll come back to you don't touch the screen did you say that to him sure enough yes yeah of course yeah I was like just thought it yeah he didn't know

yeah he started biting my finger so this is also this is like every interaction I've had with my dad watching a movie

I'll just rewind it I'll just rewind it a little bit. He's like, don't rewind it. Something's going to happen. Nothing's going to happen. Watching Sunday football with him? For some reason, the screen fries. He's like, I told you.

I'm like, Dad, this is a freak incident. He was like, no, you think you know everything. I mean, Jesus Christ, I could be your dad in this story. Yeah, you put me. There's a lot to unpack here. Him trying to fucking control the NFL network on a Sunday, because he doesn't give a fuck. He cares about the Eagles, but he doesn't really.

So I'm like, leave the channel on. I'd rather watch the commercials to not miss a goddamn beat. And he's flipping through all the games. You go red zone on commercial and try to... It's a nightmare. He was referring to last weekend, and I was money on the switch. You were pretty good last weekend. I was money on the switch. I gotta be honest with you. That's the first weekend I've controlled this year. That's a nightmare. You were referring to last weekend, and I was money on the switch. You were pretty good last weekend. I was money on the switch.

I got to be honest with you. I will say. That's the first weekend I've controlled this year. That's not true. Chain wall test. You've been doing this for years. Let me tell you something. Oh, you want to?

Nobody's worse at changing and not giving a fuck about getting back in chain. I'm joking. You finished the fucking baron lord halfway through the third quarter. So the guy, he's hitting so many goddamn buttons, the stewardess light comes on. He's just breaking everything. The stewardess light comes on. Right? So then she comes over.

We're not going to be able to land the plane unless you stop rewinding Bullet Train 3. He's like, he hit a match, dude. He can't stop. You go back to 20 minutes, the plane shifts to left. Sir,'t stop. You go back to 20 minutes, the plane shifts to left. Sir, please stop. The pilot wants you to stop hitting the buttons. Just a control cockpit.

This guy breaks into somehow. So the light comes on. The lady comes up. She's like, where can I get you, sir? And he's like, what? He doesn't know he turns the light on. Right. And he's like, I won't. The screen keeps coming on. And she's like, what do it keeps the screen keeps coming on and she's like what do you want to eat and i'm like jesus christ i can't just

lean over this dude's lap and be like he's fucked up yeah and he doesn't mean this so then it went through this whole thing he's like i need a new seat because he wants to watch this movie 18 fucking times in this one scene i don't know he. He, he's a thing, you know, he's like, I just want to watch this movie. And she's like, it's a full flight. We'd love to change it. He's she,

he's, she's like, what's your email? I'll give you some credits or whatever. That's not going to work. No, no, no,

no, no. He's like, I want a new seat. He kept saying, I want a new seat. Yeah. And I was like,

buddy, you can, you want to watch, watch my TV? He's like, no, I need a new seat. So now he's,

he's, he chose, which I got to respect. Yeah. he chose to walk around the place he walked off dude for four fucking straight hours steps in for four straight hours he'd bop around so every time you come back to like my area i think he wants to get back to his seat because he peed so often right and so now i can't i can't relax at all. No, no, no. I'm watching imagery and words that I'm not hearing or seeing shit.

You're not thinking about it. This guy's a new protagonist is this man. Yeah. It's like having your older brother on your shoulder thinking like he's going to hit me at any moment. Yeah. I can't pay attention to anything. No, no.

I, I, you just get filled with thoughts. It's like, what's the rule I can concoct that prevents this person from ever getting on a plane again? Yeah. What is it? What is it? from ever getting on a plane again? Yeah. What is it? What is it? A rule that everyone would find acceptable. Yeah.

Like people. You have to go back to 1945. Yeah. Chris wants to start his own short bus airline. Dude. Which would actually be great for everyone. I think about that every time there's a, there's like a log jam getting onto the plane. Cause someone can't lift their bag.

It's just like toss it off the plane. Yeah. It's not coming with me. Yeah. You know what I mean? Instead of putting it on a scale and weighing it and doing all that, it's just like, can you lift it over your head? That's a great move.

Then it's not coming. Yeah. It's not coming. It's like fitting the bag in that, like that, that permanent little box. Could you imagine? If your bag can't fit in here, you can't get it on. They should have, that's a great idea. Dude.

They should have somebody try and place it into a fake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cover it. Lift it above, like instead of like the lines about how big the thing can be, there should just be a line. So you got to lift it over that line. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, I. So everyone just walks in and does a shoulder press. Dude, it fills me with so much rage. Can you imagine the ego of leaving the house on a flight with an item you can't pick up? Can you imagine? Can you imagine? Dude, it's literally like rolling a fridge. It's like taking the fucking Peloton.

Yeah. To the airport. But a lot of times it's like, you figure it out. You take care of this. No, I'll wheel it through, but someone's going to pick this the fuck up. I mean, put it up there. But in fairness to them, a lot of times it's like a large old lady. Large ladies.

Yeah. Big clothes. Yeah. It's a lot to pack. So I see it as a moment where I can showcase what I've been working on. You know, I'm going to step in. I'm going to be a good guy real quick. And everyone will be like, what a good guy.

Yeah, it is nice. It is nice. It's kind of nice to help. You feel like a superhero. How many times have you been a good guy, though? Once or twice. Yeah. Yeah.

Usually what I do a lot, what I do a lot is it's like three seats away and I see him struggling, but getting close. And then I like wait. And then I like pull out, you know, in the ear of the podcast I'm listening to. And I'm like, oh, okay, you okay you're good yeah just wait till last second yeah you're fine oh yeah you'll figure it out lifting a bag for someone loses its luster pretty quick yeah I kind of disagree I enjoy it yeah it depends on the person I know if it's an old lady yes yeah I'm not gonna do it for a feeble man yeah which is my age no that you fucking work

on yourself right now or even like an old couple i just did it for the trip to philly like take a like the old man is like i gotta get fucking carol's bag with all her hair dryers and like i'll get it for you he's like thank you so much son yeah because he's been dealing with 40 years of overpacking. That's why his shoulders don't work. Exactly. He's got fucking... He came from a era where you couldn't do yoga or it made you gay. Picking her off the toilet, his fucking arms are blown out. He's basically John McCain. Only John McCain was in a cage in Vietnam for fucking 30 years. There's not too much difference as we're finding out.

True. Bringing your wife to the airport. True. It's like being in a cage we're finding out. True. Bringing your wife to the airport. True. It's like being in a cage in Vietnam. Yeah. Just can't lift your arms as anyone.

You're just traveling with your luggage bag and your beef bag. Yeah. I mean, women traveling. Women be traveling. They're just,

when they, when a young woman walks on With like 50 soft bags It's just like What are you She doesn't know what outfits She wants to wear

And she wants to have options I know but it's just like Just be ugly for vacation That's the last time You want to be ugly I know but just quit See I totally disagree with this Because I think like

If I was traveling with my girl I'd be like Let's pick it up a little bit. You know what I mean? Really? You can be comfy clothes, but look good. You know, I want to get kind of hard on the plane and in the airport. Hard on the plane?

It's a very sexual place. The airplane? Airports especially. I'm very, I get, I get worked up. Really? What do you think that is? Pat downs? No, it's just like just being in a foreign place where people are going somewhere and it's exciting. I get worked up Really? What do you think that is? Pat downs? No

It's just like Just being in a foreign place Where people are going somewhere And it's exciting And everyone's happy And trying to get fucked up Yeah It's a club

No matter what it is It's a club Delta lounge It's like being one of those fish That hunts When the tides change You know what I mean? It's gotta have that kind of

It's gotta have that kind of That's the least relatable analogy No it's just You're not wrong. I'm learning about fish hunting is what's happening. Yeah, when it's like the tide comes out, the pools get low, you know what I mean? They just know that in the transition, that's when it's time to strike. People do.

That's what the airport is like. Yeah. Yeah, it's a brackish, it's brackish water. God damn, dude. it's a brackish. It's brackish Oh I'm a fucking barracuda waiting for a sunfish I'll help you with your bag man God's a perfect. I'll never not think of that you'll get horny in airports i didn't think i did but now that i'm thinking about it i'm like

you do kind of walk in and it's like all right we're all going places people are getting fucked up at 8 a.m nowhere more are people doing a beer and a shot at 9 a.m. There's just, it's funny because there's drastically different experiences. Like if you're on a flight and like you're going to Newark and next to you, it's like Honolulu. Yeah. It's just, you can see it. Yeah. You can see everyone mixing.

People are going different directions. And everyone's wearing a different like version of lingerie. Right? In a way. It's like a different version of comfort clothes where their asses are out and their clothes are tight. It's everyone's comfiest flex. Yeah.

It's how your wife or your girlfriend would walk into the living room, but then you have a plethora of tits and asses bopping around. All sorts of, from all over the world. It's the Sunday morning, maybe we'll get brunch energy after you fuck Saturday night. Everyone's walking around in those clothes.

You know what I mean? Chris, you're fucking. We're hardwired. We're hardwired. We're hardwired for this stuff. I've been training my whole life to jerk off to this. I'm going to show up to the airport in my boyfriend's big shirt next time. Yeah.

Bra out the window. Panties optional. Show me those fat bags and some fucking velour sweats. Yeah. Seeing an ass dance while you're waiting to get checked in the securities fires you up. I know. Some guys yelling about putting your laptop in a separate bin, but you're just locked in this fucking strange

Imagine if you were in? Cool. Fuck you. Go to the middle of the ocean, you dumb bitch. We'll go to different parts of the continent. That's why all the romance movies end at the airport. Because they know it's the sexiest place in the world. 100%, dude. And if you don't choose me right now, somebody else around me within 10 feet will. Yeah.

I will get plugged before I jump on this airline to new to newark dude you should just buy an airplane ticket for like later in the day that you're not going to use and just show up at 9 a.m oh and just patrol and just go fucking gate to gate actually i have a question i bet there are guys that buy spirit airline tickets just like a $25 something to somewhere and just just hunt I guarantee it's a fetish that's a fetish yeah airline pussy is a fetish yeah yeah there's got to be a group You see him leaving like a trail of Biscoff cookies. You all want a Stroopwafel? All the way to the Delta Lounge bathroom. He's like, come here, baby.

Come here, baby. Come get some of this real estate dick. This one's on spirit. Dude, they probably know where all the hot people are going and coming from. Like, oh yeah, let's go post up at the Denver gate.

Luggage fees. Where we're going, we don't need. Denver, Atlanta, Dallas, all the labor spots. Yeah. Chill at the bar. Yeah.

Watch some fucking baddie get to, you know. They're just going through TSA and they just throw one condom in the tray. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I bet they watch, I bet like surfers, they watch the weather report. There's going to be a lot of kids. It's going to be swell. Baby, I got to go to Denver Denver Nothing's leaving Dallas today Where you going?

It's Charlie's birthday Baby there's a storm in Denver I gotta get there He's just drinking appletinis Waiting for some girl to hit on him I'm trying to dip my cigar In the stranger Oh fuck that's definitely a sport there's nothing like you know knocking around somebody at a hotel bar man i've said

we talked about this before but did we no christmas yeah you don't remember vegas you don't smell walnuts? Yeah. I just pass out. Dude. Oh, fuck. Where are you going next? What? Where am I going next? Yeah.

The airport. No, you're going to... Straight to LaGuardia. I... Tomorrow... Delta land. Tomorrow afternoon, train to New Haven and then atlantic city and then red bank and then i fly to la for a day and then i'm headlining san jose improv uh the 21st

depending on when this comes out it'll be fun it's my like uh of december oh it's like my hometown i'm from you know south bay area and so it's like the hometown right before Christmas like I will not sell better in any market in America that San Jose Sharks jacket you bought un-fucking-believable so we were all together in Vegas at Skank Fest drinking at a bar and I

mentioned that I was a Sharks fan one thing leads to another you start talking starter jacket the first thing out of Tommy's mouth he's like great starter jacket team. And I was like, fuck, we are. Dude. And I went on Etsy or some random shit and bought one immediately, an actual vintage from 1992.

It's the purest sign of knowing someone that grew up in the 90s if they talk exclusively starter jackets with teams. Yeah. And I'm diehard Philly everything, obviously, but there's a couple couple i love the dolphins yep i loved fucking san jose yeah and milwaukee brewers probably this was great brewers hat was great i bought one of those wait you had a site for the hookup you probably shouldn't say it the site yeah didn't you have a special site that you would go to i might have checked grailed which i think is tight but i think i ended up finding it on somewhere else because i matched that with like other google

shit but you only spent like 150 bucks right 100 bucks yeah it wasn't crazy yeah i'm sure that person's happy you're worried about the fit because american fatties now yeah you know but banana republic medium is like an xl back in the 90s yeah so we went I think we went large and it fits it's good that's great it's a nice piece I know you sent me a pic I dropped that tear

like a Native American looking back into the camera I was very proud god damn it he did it he did it he fucking did it I've seen Henry he'll go

you son of a bitch he did it there's nothing more exciting than getting a nice piece for your favorite team. Because you're like, not only is this cool, it's me. Now people know who I am and where I'm from.

And you got it early in the season. Yeah. That's the best. Yeah, we like suck this year, but it'll be cool. Dude, every time the Sharks are going to come to the show, which is crazy. Nice. So that's like a childhood dream come true. Dude, fucking Chargers came in the green room with Shea. No shit. Yeah. Oh so that's like a childhood dream come true dude fucking chargers

came in the green room with uh shay no shit yeah oh that's fucking awesome it was sick yeah big boys i imagine yeah they're all big big old boys then there was one guy who's like my size and i was like uh coach kicker no no i was like and then he was like no no i'm not on the team and i was like ah fuck that sucks I thought you thought it was possible you thought there was hope

you might still get that NFL he goes no no I'm a Navy SEAL I was like yes yes yes

but there was one one non-assuming dude that was like I couldn't I knew for a fact that guy there's no way once this guy said he's a ceo everybody else is obviously fucking a professional football player right i was like what do you what do you do no offense and he was like i'm on the dolphins or our chargers rather yeah i'm the chargers and i was like holy shit dude we I mean I'm talking like tall totally unassuming lanky in a way very low muscle definition and he's like special teams I was like special teams dude that's like

the crazy and then he thought I think he thought I was fucking with him because I was so complimentary I was like that's the craziest position in the game because you're fighting for your position and your job every single day and you're just 150 miles an hour down the field slamming heads right it's crazy what these guys do he's like this guy's fucking with me no no he fucking he was he was dead serious and obviously oh shane told me this he landed on the final onside kick it was like a skirmish and a fumble. And Shane was like, that guy got the fucking ball.

That's sick. He's on the hands team. He's on the hands team. Well, he's actually dirty. He played for the Rams for a little bit. He was like a nasty linebacker. Oh, that's tight. He was like a really nasty linebacker.

He must have lost like 50 fucking pounds. That guy wasn't big. No, he's an animal. I saw him in the parking lot afterward. He's a scary boy. I was probably just drunk as fuck. Yeah. No, he's an animal. Yeah, like, I don't know. I saw him in the parking lot afterward. He's a scary boy. I was probably just drunk as fuck. Yeah, no, it's like... I'm like, what are you doing, pussying?

He's like, I'll fucking eat you. No, dude, there's so many guys in the NFL that are like... There's obviously, there's like the fucking... Who's that D lineman for the Rams, the fucking Beast 99? Oh, Aaron Donald. Yeah, there's guys like that. But then there's guys that are like the weird freak athletes. You know what I mean?

Where they're not like absolutely cut, but they just, if you saw them moving on the field, you'd be like, what the fuck is happening? How are you doing this? They're like thick, but they're just strong as fuck. If you saw them in the weight room, they just, it almost bums me out that there are people that can spend their entire life working out, being so strong, and they're still not cut up. Yeah, yeah, dude. I'm like, fuck.

It's like dudes you see in the UFC. Yeah. Or like fucking Tyson Fury or something like that. You're like, what's happening? What's happening? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like getting a chunky trainer. It's like, what am I doing?

What am I paying for? Yeah, yeah. Dude, you're a relatable trainer. You look like you moan getting out of a cow. It? Yeah, yeah. Dude, you're a relatable trainer. You look like you moan getting out of a couch like, yeah. Shit. I did a show in Appleton, Wisconsin, because I know a guy who plays for the Packers. And so some of the Packers came out, but it was just O-Line that came out. Damn.

It was the most insane. Like, we were taking photos after. It literally, I looked like Bugs Bunny and they looked like the Monstars. I looked like I was a different fucking species. Dude, I went out and drank with the Notre Dame football team when my buddy was on it. Like, and we were in like, it was like, we were in like a Notre Dame bar and it's just me and my dad, who's like my size. Right.

And just these guys. And it's just me and my dad who's like my size and just these guys and they're getting fucked up and it's like, dude, if you fall, one of us is dead. You know what I mean?

It's like when a giant dies. You stumble, I explode. Kills a village. Yeah. It's literally being surrounded by food carts. Dude,

it's like, they're all, you look at them in the eyes, you're like, this is, you guys can have my ass at any moment Yeah, yeah, they're in prison. Yeah, so fucking big

When you come to East Do you ever walk around you go? I can't believe people live over here. It's always my first thought. Yeah. Yeah, like immediately I'm like why do people do this dude freezing cold? It's it sucks. It's more just I can't believe Like when I go to San Francisco or go to LA, I it's more just i can't believe like when i go to san francisco or go to la i'm just like i just can't believe people are here it's just this far away yeah i was just like you guys have been over here the whole time have you ever gone to another country everything's happening where i start no i don't know this is the same way this is a five-year-old losing a tennis ball in a neighbor's yard and be like, you live here too.

It's true. I always get that feeling. If I go to like, you know, I went to like Ireland even. And I was just like, you guys, so you guys just stay here. You just live here. You grew up here. It's crazy. And you just live because, you know. You know, there's like a whole thing happening where we're at.

You guys seen it over here yeah yeah yeah you know where everything is happening that's where i am my thought is is more like whenever i travel somewhere i always get like kind of romantic about it like i'm like walking around new york and i'm like oh it's so cool here like artsy and there's all these things and then i also think, when I think about people really living here, I just go, oh yeah, and there's also a bunch of people who live here

who are totally fucking over it. I find it very exciting, but there's someone in their house like, yep, another goddamn day in New York. I used to say that New York is the best place on earth to go and see a 70- year old version of yourself, like not making it. Dude in a coffee shop, like I think this pilot's the one.

Not even that, just a dude missing a bus. It's like a lunch bag. And you're just like, yeah. It's just a plastic Safeway bag with a sandwich in it and it's all wet. But imagine doing that In Wisconsin The guy's gotta walk Another seven miles

To get a meal Or a hot coffee Dude I can't I can't imagine I just had this conversation With an Uber driver Taking us to the airport On the way home

Yeah From Irvine And I was like Turns out he was from New York I was like How'd you get here? And he said Work or whatever

And his mother He said was like 98 years old, still living in Midtown. Decided not to leave. She's like, I'm not going anywhere. I was like, we could have, we tried to get her to Florida. Yeah. And she's like, no. Yeah. And I was like, I kind of get it because going out West for me, I hate the consistency of temperature.

I love the change of seasons. I love the change that it brings me like emotionally. Yeah. Not just physically. I get excited for fall. I get excited for spring. I get excited for winter to a certain extent. And then I get fucking, you know, blasted in the face with my nose chips.

But once you get past that, you're like, it's coming. It's like a release of endorphins where you're like, you don't expect it. You don't expect it. Every don't you don't expect it you don't expect it every single time you don't expect it the same way that you go i always forget how cold it gets yeah i always forget how happy i get when it's over i like that you know and it builds different people like i think that's why people think that people on the east coast are a lot more real like people will actually help you with things. Everyone in LA is nice, but they don't want to help. They want to be like, I'm so sorry that I'll see you.

Someone in New York will be like, what the fuck's wrong with you? And then help. Yeah, true. That's true. I even had that complaint growing up in Northern California. And I was an hour south of San Francisco. San Francisco has weird seasons because it's cold in the summer and I was like an hour south of San Francisco. San Francisco has weird seasons because it's like cold in the summer

and all this random shit. But like closer to San Jose, it's like it gets hot. Like Silicon Valley gets hot in summer. It gets like a hundred. Winter, it's usually rainy and it gets cold. You actually do experience fall and spring. So when I first went to college in San Diego,

it was a smaller version of this, but I was like, what the fuck? There's no seasons down here. Which you'd probably still feel the same about where i grew up but i felt like i could still understand fall because the leaves change and they're you know it's just like there are actual seasons yeah but san francisco feels like more of uh east coast city completely it's a lot more like new york like doing there, it's like there were tons of shows every night. You could do multiple spots a night. You could take public transit to those shows.

If you go on LA and get on public transit, you're going to see someone die. Every city that was actually up and running on a pretty good clip before the car, good city. The Gold Rush era helped us out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mark Twain out there fucking hoes. You're shipping the Chinese up there. Yeah, yeah. That's right. Build the rails, baby. Yeah. And the wops and the Irish came in and ruined it.

What do you mean? We helped. Yeah, we still ruined it. How do we ruin it? Shut up, Chris. This is a complete sidebar to that, but speaking about the Chinese in San Francisco, if you're ever in San Francisco,

my favorite night out, Chinatown. Chinatown SF fucking rips. Dude, I went to Chinatown in Washington today. Different Chinatown, but yes. How was your Chinatown? It was fucking unbelievable, dude. We went to this mall and we went in there. We went all the way to the top where there was this huge dining room.

And for some reason they were having some type of... Auction. No, they were filming something for China Central TV. Yeah. And they were like...ctv they were literally filming for cctv and i don't know why that's so yeah yeah it's what we used to guard walmart's that's their main television station i know yeah it's like they literally like they were doing a fashion show like the first guy came out he was he was like a man like a guy with long hair and a beard but he was wearing like women's like

undergarments but then had like a cool jacket and pants on and then but he was also holding some rick owens shit dude it was the strangest thing i've ever seen. Then he was just holding a like architectural mock-up for like a, what looked like a museum. Huh. And he like walked out and like showed the museum and then like walked back and he had like a letter on his back and he just stood facing the back wall. And then another lady came out and like a nice outfit holding like the, like architectural mock-up of like a house.

What the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. It was the crate. I can't think of a house. What the fuck? Yeah, yeah. It was the crate. I can't think of a better environment for you. O'Connor's just going, oh my God. It's so perfect. You guys are looking at apartments in China. The train runs by you.

You're in the hood. We're in brackish waters again. Also, he sent me this video, and there's like 50 chairs lined up and there's like two people. Yeah. In all the seats. There's like, there's probably- This dude's wearing lady lingerie holding a fake building. And everyone's like, oh.

It's so crazy. And it's so funny because when you see like isolated like Chinese restaurants, you know what I mean? Like Chinese food restaurants, like the graphics are weird and it's like wacky. And then... They're probably massage parlors to be honest. No, no, no. There's like six on Steinway.

But then you go into the heart of Chinatown and this is like a, this is authentic Chinatown and all their graphics are wacky. Then you start going like, this is a choice. This is like a creative choice. Like even at this thing, they were filming for China State TV. They were literally like, they had like a graphic that they made, but then the thing they were projecting it on

was like a different format. So they just stretched it. So it's just stretched out. And then they had to have it on some other like column. So that was just squished. And it was just like, but you're putting a lot into this. This is like a creative choice that you're making we're marketing we know what the people want i walked

by a chinese restaurant they had like tanks in the front and they were like dead eels like lying on each other in the tank and i was like they think this is working yeah i almost walked in and then i was like oh god i don't want that but I think it is working of course it is working for them because for someone who's more used to that they would go like oh look I can see the dead eel is in water and in another restaurant is just in the back you know there is probably like proof of like look it was you know it's kind of here dude I get so anxious with us I get so anxious watching Gordon Ramsay walk into a Kitchen Nightmares episode and they have a tank because the tanks

are never it's like Gordon's not gonna like that it's like getting a kid a German Shepherd when they say they want a dog it's never gonna work out

yeah no one's gonna raise that dog no one's gonna fucking that dog's gonna be a nightmare but it's not the dog's fault it's because you're an idiot and you're not gonna put the time to raise that dog properly.

Train it within the first six months. The tanks at these restaurants, every single time, there's like three dead lobsters just crushed in the corner. He goes right for the tank because it's like the purest sign of, you're a fucking moron.

You shouldn't have any of this, let alone this tank. This tank requires a lot of attention and necessary attention at that. And I'll just pull out a day. He's feeding off this. He's feeding off this. He goes fucking bananas.

And the guy's like, well, we usually clean. He's like, you don't. You don't clean it. You're not cleaning it. He swipes the top of the tank. There's like an inch of dust. He's like, the wife starts crying. It's a fucking nightmare. The fat son's in the back.

He's like, I never wanted to be a chef to begin with. Every fucking episode. You show a tank, I'll show you a fucking bomb. This is my number one complaint about Kitchen Nightmares. I do love Gordon Ramsay, but it's like one time, just one time, I'll show you a fucking bomb. This is my number one complaint about Kitchen Nightmares. I do love Gordon Ramsay, but it's like one time, just one time, I want him to walk into a restaurant and go,

yeah, I don't know what's going on here. He does. He should be working. Wait, what? Oh, like, he's like, he's really like, he's like, fuck, like, this is actually, the food's good, everything looks good, the kitchen's updated. He calls it a specialist, he brings in a Chinese guy to make all the graphics in here.

Bring in fam. I don't think we need a fan. He does do that, but there's always one. He says it protectively going, wow, the decor is actually nice. It's updated. He sees a kitchen and goes, you guys got all top of the line stuff. Yeah. The problem is 99% of the time is the ego of the owners that drive it into a muck because

they think they know everything and they just they they they double down going this is my opinion i think my menu is great or some egomaniacal uh chef that's either chef or the owner bringing the whole business down because they refuse to change i know but i that's i want to get hit with a real world problem which is like the owner's receptive he does good shit they have the fucking the restaurant i'm gonna stick up for you for this the restaurant's on point and like he just goes in there and he's like dude

I'm willing to take any suggestion cause like I feel like everything's good and I don't know what to do and and Gordon's like well you should change this

and they change that and it doesn't work and then they both just have to stand there with their hands on their hips and go like fuck dude murder suicide

should we murder suicide yeah that's what I wanted that should be the last episode dude out of all the episodes in their hips and go like, fuck, dude. Murder-suicide? Should we murder-suicide? That's what I wanted. That should be the last episode. Dude, out of all the episodes... I've ran out of nightmares. What do I do? I have one more.

You do. It blows his brains out. His brain falls into the lobster tank. All the other lobsters. Gordon Ramsay's like, you didn't shoot through the temple. Attention to detail. Dude, there's a website that you can look up to see which of the restaurants make it.

And there's only like, I'm going to say five out of 100, dude. It's very low. The odds of him coming in because it needs, like you said, a receptive owner or chef to change. A lot of times there's a connective tissue between, whether it's nepotism or they just feel bad for the chef, they don't want to fire him. But there's, in some cases, just like you asked for, there are people going, you're

right, I was wrong. We're going to redesign the menu and simplify things. We're not going to have a fucking, a 10 page menu. Well, it's compelling TV, but like a lot of the times having one expert come in and tell you what you're doing wrong is not going to fix anything. You can't be failing as a comic and have dinner with Jerry Seinfeld and be like, finally, I get it. All the information's out there.

All the information is out there. If you aren't the fucking engine, you're not the engine. Dude, and 90% of the time he fixes the menu. Okay, great. But then he buys them like a whole new restaurant. Yeah. It's like, oh yeah, I forgot to do that. I forgot to buy a million dollars worth of fucking ovens and top whatever.

He doesn't do it for everyone, but I'm sure in the contract. What a fix. What a genius. I'm sure in the contract they have something there. It's like, you know, a little asterisk saying like if this place isn't open in a year, all these appliances are coming back to us. Because, you know, he's buying like a $20,000 stove. He's spending over $200,000 to like redesign all of this shit.

Let alone the consultancy fees and all that stuff. For the most part, it is a reality television show to bleed drama. It's like Don Taffer, whatever the fuck. The Bar Rescue. He knows he's not going to save a fucking VFW in Wisconsin. Right. You guys are serving shitty old chicken fingers. They're just making a show. Yeah. fuck the bar rescue he knows he's not going to save a fucking vfw in wisconsin right you guys are serving shitty old chicken fingers they're just making a show yeah it's a show they're

making a show that's simply it it's a show have you ever watched like gordon ramsay's just like cooking tips because i know kitchen nightmares are what the fuck is wrong with you but i've watched like when i was like learning how to like cook a steak properly there's like a video of him like here's how you properly cook a steak and he's a completely stripped down like soothing like like amazing guys yeah yeah he's a lot of these guys he's got great tips a lot of those shows i want to cook a steak from that man oh dude great frosted tips too it's the only man i can trust with frosted tips. He does all these steps, you know, it's like, it's like butter it, season it more than you think. And then he's like, and step five, enjoy it with a friend or loved one because meals are

only meaningful if you're with those you love. I was like, get the fuck out of here. He pulls out his gun. Do not make me do this again. There was one episode. So it is a TV show, but it's real life for a lot of people. This guy, I'll send you the link for the recaps. So they recap all the episodes.

If you just search, every time I watch it, I'll go fucking Donato's in South Jersey or whatever. It'll come up, Kitchen Nightmares, Donato's, closed. It's like right on the top. It'll let you know right off the bat because there's a lot of people like me wondering. That's why we're searching it. Oh, yeah.

And then you read the article and they give you a brief one-page synopsis of how you got there and all that shit. This one dude who was a chef tried to turn it around.

Fucking New York guy jumped off the George Washington killed himself because he got caught cheating he had a wife and kids the recap as I'm reading I'm going oh my fucking god I watched this episode like three four times I like the guy he's a nice guy he started fucking the Patriot the pastry chef wife Wife found out. Obviously, they have to close the fucking restaurant. Guy had a coke problem. Runs to G Doves.

Night, night. Holy fuck. My God. Killed himself. So it's not just a show. Joe. There's life on the line. Filling those pastries with cream dog

she did get filled she had a donut filled yeah what is what's her best dish a cream pie little sea water if you like cheating on your diet

if it goes kerplunk you're sunk yeah I've never seen the show honestly really but I feel like on your diet. Yeah. If it goes kerplunk, you're sunk. Yeah. Yeah. I've never seen the show, honestly. Really? It's great.

But I feel like I'm going to find that episode and watch it promptly. Yeah, yeah. Just go kitchen. That's sad, though. But I feel like, yeah, if you're cheating

and you have a Coke problem, pretty impulsive. A lot of chefs are, they're all drug addicts. I mean, at a low level, not the high level. Did you ever read the book that broke Bourdain?

Yeah. What was it? Kitchen Confidential. Yeah, it's wonderful. It was so good and I didn't know any of that and I read it

and I was like, oh shit, yeah, cooks are savages. Yeah. They always get fucked up all the time, they have cool tattoos.

Literally the only painting I ever bought was a drawing of Bourdain. Oh really? Yeah. Yeah. He was the best. He was the best. He was the man. Yeah, but he had to go. Jesus.

He did. I'd say it every time. He fucked up. With that crazy Italian chick? He didn't fuck up. His bitch fucked up. Yeah, she fucked him up. He was supportive. But he fucked up. He fucking, he switched. He got rid of his whole team that supported him and she put the bitch in charge and then the bitch turned on him and then he was left with nothing. Well, he switched. He got rid of his whole team that supported him. And she put the bitch in charge. And then the bitch turned on him.

And then he was left with nothing. Well, he put his trust in her. As you should. It's an interesting study, though. It's his lover. Yeah, you'll make her the director of your show. You can't blame him. But he picked the wrong lover.

Because he had a great woman who was behind him, who supported him. And then he got, as as anyone can into this romantic this kind of torrid like almost brings you back to like a middle school relationship where it's like you're hurt all the time he's like posting weird song lyrics he's pretending he's all more artistic than he is guys i will not have you dog shit no i love him he kept telling that story he killed him yeah he did then he killed himself yeah yeah true dude i'll tell it was dead before he killed himself do you remember telling you that eric repair story his best friend eric repair i just oh yeah yeah he's like a fucking he's like

their episodes together were so good yeah he's so fucking french culinary genius so like opposite sides of the spectrum yeah but they love each other so there's a uh open mic chris and i came up on called the raven lounge in philadelphia and i'm outside smoking with cotton uh mckeever rest in peace kyle but uh and a couple dudes and erica pair walks by and i was like year one in in comedy and this dude walks by and I was like oh my fucking god nobody knows who he is right he's just nonchalantly walking down the street I was like dude I think that was just Eric repair and they're like what and I was like Eric repair just walk by and they're like shut up pussy in the middle of a dickhead You ruined it. What, this guy own a car parts shop? You want me to give you 20%?

I'll run down the fucking street. And I did. I ran down the street. And I was like, Eric. I didn't know what to say. I was like, Eric. And he turns around. He's like, yes?

And I was like, what are you doing here? And he's like, I was just walking down the street. And I was like, okay. It's great to meet you. And everything. And he was like, okay, it's great to meet you and everything. And he was like, okay, bye. And I just walked off. Just a drunk comic running after you. Repair.

What are you doing here? It's so funny. You could have so easily just been like, hey, I'm a huge fan. Great to see you. Can I get a picture or whatever? But you start questioning him. What are you doing here? And it was on that day that Tommy came up with look at this. Fuck that guy.

It was the first time I was starstruck. I never had been starstruck before. Yeah. No matter who I've ever met, that guy was like. There's an aura around chefs, especially ones that are like known as a genius. Where it's like a fucking we're not worthy. Yeah. You know?

I used to think Michelin star just because it was about culinary. Well, it is. It's related to that company. But I didn't know that. It's a tire company. I used to say that place has a Michelin star. Really? In French?

Because I couldn't believe it was a tire company. Isn't it nuts? I thought it was some outfit called michelin where people you know yeah it's literally the marshmallow cigarettes it's a marshmallow man yeah i mean that was definitely like the tire magnates son's idea 100 it's just like what do we spice it up what do people like food Food. Hey, Dad, enough of brake pads. Let's get in the French onion, huh? Why don't I just eat at a bunch of cool places and tell them whether they suck or not?

He's like, look, it's a bad idea, but he's finally not doing coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to let this one ride. Little did he know. He was doing coke. He's going into the belly of the beast. We should go do coke with a chef tonight.

He's going into Coke heaven. It is weird that that held up. Like the Michelin. The idea of the actual brand Michelin tires is the award for the highest level cuisine. Yeah. How the fuck? It's because they were just putting together, like, I think what they wanted to do was like a guide for,

hey, when you're traveling somewhere, here are the places we recommend. And the idea is safe travels are done on our tires. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it turned into like, no one else was fucking doing this. Yeah. So now it's just the culinary thing.

Spirit Airlines dropped the ball. Did you get a Spirit Award this year? Dude, Zagatz. Yeah, Zagatz went for him. Or Zagatz. Zagatz, yeah. This goddamn Zagatz. Don't be such a Zagat.

Zagatz went for their neck. You're hanging for the paycheck. I got to piss. You guys can hang for a couple. You're hanging for the page. Yeah. I got a piece. All right. Yeah. You got three minutes. Three minutes. I don't know how you started early,

right? What do you mean? Uh, yeah. Holy fuck. That was one of those episodes where I was like, I thought I almost thought we would be at like two hours. I was like,

yeah, I was like, this is good. Let's go. This one fly. It was like, holy shit. Well, are we still recording right now two hours. I was like, yeah, I was like, this could go. I could let this one fly. I was like, holy shit.

Well, are we still recording right now? Yeah, yeah. Why do you have to piss? No, no, I just wasn't sure. Because you started analyzing the episode.

No, every episode, every episode goes from when Tommy pisses to when Tommy pisses. Oh, that's great. That's a nice metric.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes he makes it an hour. Sometimes he makes it 58 minutes. That's weird. We never know. He would be hell on Rogan. Dude, yeah, he's hell on an airplane. He's bitching about that guy. That guy is like, it's a spectrum

and he's not as far from you as you think. Yeah, he left out the part of the story. He was like, can I get a water? Can I get a water over here? He said he kept getting up and going to the fucking stewardess to be like, I need water. I think I've developed a psychological issue. Can I have a beer? Yes, please.

I've developed a psychological pee issue, I think. Because I've always been a window seat guy. Yeah. But now I get in the window seat and then knowing that I have to bother two people to pee makes me think about how much I need to pee the entire flight. And so I always do one pee per flight. But like whether I'm in a window seat or like I went to a concert the other night. Yeah. And I was like, I went pee like three times. Yeah.

Like if I know I can't pee, all I'm thinking about is how much I might need to pee. Yeah. And I think that I think it's a thing. Dude, I killed a shit on a flight once, and it was like my proudest moment. You killed it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was coming up, and you held the fucking line? I had straight bubble guts, and I like made it go away.

I killed it, and I literally felt like that monk on fire.