Stuff Island - Stuff Island #6 - Draw the Double and Swing w/ Mike Cannon

Episode Date: December 15, 2021

Mike Cannon stops by, its fun Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'll tell you guys, like, you ever have a day where just everything... Fired up. It's fired. Everything is just wildly complicated. Like, it just continues to snowball. Things get more irritating and frustrating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like when someone does the dishes when you're doing a podcast?

It is any time you have, like, a time crunch of any kind, what would be a normal amount of time to do anything becomes a problem. Yeah, yeah. It's like... So what's the problem now? Because you got COVID and you brought it to our house? No. I genuinely don't think I got it, but also...

Yeah, who cares? Who knows? Yeah. This is exciting to have you, Mike. This could be it. This could be my last recorded appearance. Yeah. You're going to die.

That's cool. Yeah. I'm going to save that hair, though. That's going to be it. Have you had it once before or no? I'm one of those I don't know. I think so. I would assume so.

I've been around so many people that there's no way. You'd had to have. I was at Skank Fest. Yeah, right. And everyone got COVID. Open mouth kissing. Yeah. So funny.

It's like, have you felt lethargic in the past two years? It's like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I have a two-year-old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Most of my life you ever drink alone in the shower at 4 a.m of course i felt lethargic that was that's

yeah that was my move 40s 40s in the shower yeah in college like for the whole last five years i've been pretty much hungover so i wouldn't even know everyone that has the symptoms of of covid i'm like oh yeah that's uh so it's a monday it's a week yeah yeah yeah at the height of travel day yeah it's a travel day yeah it's showed the day of a flight yeah yeah you've had covid for two months ten years yeah heavy 10 years of covid dude i'm fucking crushing it look at chrissy shave for you yeah good yeah look really good yeah i don't know if I've ever seen you with a... Well, I think Skank Fest was also the first time we hung out, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The last time before that was a soft hop. I don't know. I've never seen it. Yeah, it's a dance. Yeah, I know what it is. It's a soft hop?

Yeah, we used to call it a soft hop. I thought it's a sock hop. No, a soft hop. Oh. It's your second year in high school. Is it a sock hop? I thought it was a sock hop. Oh, it is?

Wait, your second year in high school is a soft sock hop? I thought it was a sock hop Oh it is? Wait your second year in high school Is a sophomore year Really? The hop had to do with The year of school you were in? Yeah I didn't know that I thought a sock hop I thought it was

I thought a sock hop or a sock hop Was any like Dance in the 50s Or girl that asked the guy Or is that another thing? It was a junior prom Senior prom Sock hop

And fuck all freshmen. You know? Nobody cares. You just finger yourself in a park. We're not getting any balloons. There's no music. I feel like you're wearing the white cardigan at the end of Grease right now. Yes.

Yeah, soft hop. That makes sense. I just thought it was soft hop. It's creative. It's a play on words. You guys had a soft hop? A soft hop. That makes sense. I just thought it was sock hop. It's creative. It's a play on words. You guys had a soft hop? A soft hop. Catholic school.

I'm thinking of Sadie Hawkins. That's a Sadie Hawkins dance. That's the 50s. Now we're talking. No, Sadie Hawkins. They still do a Sadie Hawkins. Sadie Hawkins is somebody that dies of cancer and they have like a benefit. Every middle school dance is a Sadie Hawkins.

Isn't it, man? Isn't that the student loan organization? Yes. God, it's crazy how much I don't know. It's fucking wild. But I dig my heels in. I think you're right. Soft hop, you have so much goddamn confidence.

There's no way I'm right. As long as you drill it directly in their fucking eyes. Maybe it is a soft hop. That's how I keep safe on the subways. The eyes, right? It's all eyes. Dude, I'm like that too. Confidence. I have like war all eyes. Dude, I'm like that too. Confidence.

I have like warlord eyebrows. Yeah, you do. Where it's like, if you look like, if you just purse them and you get the 11s in the middle, like that's what Fiend calls them. He's just like Batman cowl.

It's 9-11 in the middle. Sometimes when I look at Mike's eyebrows dance, it's like a dog barking at itself in the mirror. Yeah, dude. It just looks like I'm staring at myself. When I first got to New York, it may have been two months in, I was at a show.

And I forget who said it. It was a comic at a club. It might have been Donnelly. He's like, yo, glad to see you here, man. It's been a long time coming. Wrapped his hand around and he goes, by the way, there's already a Mike Cannon. You can go home now.

And I didn't know Mike Cannon. I was like, whoa. Fuck this guy. That's why. I was like, fuck this guy a Mike Cannon you can go home now and I didn't know Mike Cannon I was like fuck this guy I was like fuck this guy Mike Cannon I don't know where he is you had a legitimate attitude towards me the first few times we met I had a completely Highlander situation

I was like oh this is the guy I had a wrong read on you when we first met because I was shirtless the exact opposite dude I had a wrong read on you when we first met. I bet you did. Because I was shirtless? No, because the exact opposite, dude. You always were wearing the cardigan, the really nice boots, tight jeans already. This was fucking eight years ago.

This was eight years ago. Still a cardigan? Listen, I was crushing it eight years ago. Yeah. No, you looked really good. I thought you had the right read. If you're going to be like, I hate this guy immediately, that is 100% the right read. If you're going to be like, I hate this guy immediately. That is 100% the right read. You roll around in cardigan and nice boots,

Kane and I would be like, fuck this guy. It is so fucking true. Especially in comedy. You can't do that shit. I remember Matt Wayne and Doug Smith said the same thing the first time I met them at the Creek in the Cave.

I could overhear them because I have whiskers for that kind of shit. And I was like talking to somebody else. They're like, look at this fucking stick head. Dude, he dressed like White Seton Smith. That's the exact outfit. And I had like a pea coat on. Yes. Glasses.

You wore glasses. I just looked like a journalist. I was stopping to see how the kids were doing. You were cosplaying. Yeah, yeah. As a regular person amongst animals. So you knew you were rolling around pissing everyone off. No, I know now.

You knew at the time. A little bit. In Philly, I just dressed the way I wanted to. You don't have to dumb it down for people because you already know them. When you meet a whole new subsect of people that are staring at you for the first time and judging you just with their eyeballs, they're going to have a certain thing to say about the guy that they feel is overdressed or looks good. It's a very white trash mentality.

Yeah, yeah. No, I think it makes perfect sense. Dude, when I walk into like a fucking local shithole bar, if you walk into a place with like a hot girl and like you go to play darts, all the locals are going to be like, look at this fucking piece of shit. This ain't for you, you fucking, you know, all the other words

that we're not gonna say here. But yeah, and then you gotta give them the eyes. Like this ain't fucking train eyes. Fuck you. I'm from here too and I will fight you. That's how I survived

seven years of Crown Heights without getting mugged. Like ever. It's just that glare. It's just the dead serious face. I fucking dare you. And then they wouldn't. You know what's crazy is when you get home at night and you lie down in bed and you feel

your eyebrows relax. And you're like, oh my God, I was like cramping like that. I was like, holy shit. Just hours of fake incompetence. It takes a minute to break out. Yeah, yeah. You just feel it kind of melt away. Oh, dude, that's so funny. That's like trying to break out a foot, yeah. You just feel it kind of melt away. Dude, that's so funny.

That's like trying to break out a foot arch cramp. Like you're just like pounding it on the ground. Just get your face to relax. You go home and just roll your forehead on a tennis ball. Just getting out all the lumps.

What's wrong, hon? You cramping? Yeah, I had a fucking... I did a pack of teenagers on a train staring at me. Just to walk from the subway. I was walking with a whiskey bottle. Just fucking.

What are you looking at, you piece of shit? That's what happened, though, outside. I was just telling you guys. I let my face guard down for a second. And then a young group of black teens did the hand below. Yeah. Hilarious. What is that?

The white supremacist signal? Yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as it's blown about, it's fine. You get two hits. And she pretended to pick something up and then just went like this. And she goes, got him. And I was like, goddammit. I've never felt worse.

Dude, that's so funny. And yeah, she got me. The older you get. I'm furious. I think Michael Shea said this, but it's so true. The older you get, the more you fear the young kids. Yeah. It's just their social influence of just crushing you.

Yeah, yeah. You know, you get roasted for 10 minutes in like an elevator. Yeah. And you know they're busting your balls. They're all having a good laugh and there's nothing you can do. And they're right. And they're right. Yeah, they're right.

Yeah, look at this fucking kid's sweater and boots and glasses. Where are you going, Phil? I know it's not a comedy show. Even getting back to that, we had a tough dismount or a tough launch, I guess you could say. You and I. You and I. So what happened? I think it's because somebody warned you that we were both white with gray hair.

Well, I didn't have gray hair yet, but I earned that. We both had flecks. I think it's the social, not social. It's more of the, we have very similar characteristics and expressions. Yeah. Rage. Underlying rage. Yeah, we have a lot of similarities that's why i love you you're a very good kid but i think anyone that's exactly like me is a beautiful man that's exactly right when did you guys get over it at caroline's after a couple shows so it took us a while yeah we're like we were doing weekly shows at caroline's when i first got that's when the caroline's used to be

the shit yeah in terms of even showcase shows. Yes. Like, you, Norman, List, Sam Morrell, Joe Mackey, Che,

Che was there a lot. Like, I mean, Soder. There was like a good group of dudes where they just rotated. I was brand new, you know,

year three or four in comedy. I only did it because I got in Montreal. So they were like, you have to go somewhere now. And I was like, uh, just nervous. And then they put me right in these green rooms with these fucking

killers and i was like you know kind of calm you're there with your cardigan and i'm there dressed like i'm going to stop hop i would i would i would burn all that stuff the next day i i got like over the over the pandemic i start you know i wasn't around a lot of people so i was starting to feel like yeah you. You still lived here. You just never came out of your den. But I started, I started to feel like. Like a shitty bear. I started to feel like I could be like a cool guy.

And I. I got news for you. Yeah. Yeah. I got like, I was like, you know what, man? Like you got to break out of the grays and the, you know, the blacks. So I bought a. This shirt?

This shirt. Yeah. Yeah. This is my cool guy shirt. Then would you go angling? This is a this shirt this shirt yeah yeah it's my cool guy shirt then would you go angling this is this is part of the cool guy no no i wore i i got i got like a air jordan hoodie with like uh like turquoise sleeves oh yeah a pink hood jesus i wore it for one set bomb Bomb. Yes. So bad. I've never worn it. That's not you. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some people are not built to peacock on stage. Yeah. I have that too. I have that too. When I wear something that's like overly stylish, people immediately are like, fuck this guy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is not to sound ridiculous, but if you're a decent looking man, the guys immediately get upset because they're girls.

I think everyone gets upset. Yeah. Well, the guys immediately, everyone's like, he's good looking, he's got cool hair and a cool jacket. Yeah. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. And he's trying to be self-deprecating.

Fuck this phony piece of shit. It's like a hot girl complaining about her tits. Yeah. It's like, what am I going to do with all this fat meat up here? I used to watch DeStefano get that really bad on stage because he's like a classically attractive guy. Yeah. The most likable human being. And he's also such a mook.

So other mooks that would go see him would take his charisma as disrespect. Yeah. You know what I mean? So like they'd be with their girl and their girl would laugh and they'd immediately be like, so I guess she wants to fuck this guy. And I've watched guys fold in on themselves and then just start reciting movie lines at him

while he was online because that's the only funny thing that they could conjure in the moment. What is that with dudes? It's fucking bizarre, man. Just reciting movie lines. It's a hack safety net because they're not smart. It kills too. At parties, it kills. It crushes. It's fucking bizarre, man. Just reciting movie lines. It's a hack safety net because they're not smart.

It kills, too. At parties, it kills. It crushes. That's why. I knew guys like, yeah, I knew guys in college that would just, the amount of pussy

they would get on just reciting movie lines from comedies. It was all that they would spit out. It was crazy. I got some big numbers

doing Joe Pesci and Goodfellas. My college. Oh, my God. My college. Man, strike two. You got the cardigan on. Hold on.

But I didn't even say the words. I fucking committed. Bing, bang, pow. I went fucking wild. Dude, it's wild. I would have like a prisoner exing off like how many how many days he had this is all the women i had in my bedroom wall the girl's like what is that yeah yeah next morning dude i my my sister-in-law her ex-boyfriend who since like left her with an

apartment that he like didn't pay rent like she was giving him cash and then he wasn't paying rent and then he just disappeared but he was one of those guys that was like classic movie lines, whatever. And she introduced me as like, he's really funny. You're going to love him. And then he started like rattling like, I don't know. It's going to be a big Saturday. I don't know if we're going to have enough time. And I'm like, dude, I want to twist this kid's fucking head right off his shoulders.

I'm livid that you think that's the same thing. And it's like, I don't know movie lines. Right. Yeah. So I'm getting buried under this guy he's on a mountain of brilliant comedy writing that's not his own i'm getting crushed and it would drive me crazy one time i uh i graduated to just do an italian a fake italian accent at a ir Irish pub in Philadelphia.

So my one buddy's like, do that accent thing to this girl. So I just, for two hours, two or three hours, I'm courting this woman at an Irish bar. Courting? Where there's like a band. Listen guys, that wasn't the soft hop, okay? You should see women around this. Have you seen it? Yeah, I mean.

It's absurd. Does it happen to you too? No. He was asleep at the bar. We were drinking with Patton and he was asleep at the bar. I was not asleep. It's 4am. It's literally

just me, Patton, and him in the bar. And these two girls, and as they're leaving, shake him awake and he's just in like pussy mode. He's immediately going home with one of his girls. It was crazy. Wow. He woke up in Yonkers.

So I did this accent thing just to have fun for a while. And then at the end, I was just like, you know, I'm just kidding. And I just said that at the end of like one of the lines. Yeah. And she just went, what? And I was like, I'm just kidding. And I just said that at the end of one of the lines. Yeah. And she just went, what? And I was like, I'm just fucking around. I'm from here. That was fun, wasn't it?

She started crying. She was so taken aback and offended. She just started crying. And then all her friends were like, why did you do that back there? Whatever the fuck. And I was like, what do you mean? It was a great bit. Ask Tony.

He loved it. It was her dream to be whisked away to the Amalfi Coast. Yes. And you just trashed it. The juxtaposition of my, yeah, my cum rolling in my face. Oh my God. Yeah, in an Irish pub. And she's like, I found him.

My buddy used to do that in Gibberet. That's so fucking good. At 23. I found him. This is what my mom's been talking about. You're going to settle down with a man from the other part of the world. It's like I can do it. I can dial it up anytime.

You can find him at Temple. You don't have to go to Milan. Just fucking save some money for me and Dad. It shouldn't be that big of a fucking deal. It's like picking up a girl in French. Yes. And being like, no, I also speak English. Yeah, right.

What? That's what I should have said. I can also speak like you idiots. Salt to the earth kind of guy. Anyway, do you want to go home or not? Were you speaking broken English or fake Italian? Fake Italian. My buddy does that same thing, dude.

He used to go up to people on the street and be like, Spere goz, if you had it Broadway. Like he's asking for directions. thing, dude. He used to go up to people on the street and be like, Spideguts, have you heard of Broadway? Like he's asking for directions. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm like, What did he say? You just looked like the Life is Beautiful director. My one buddy Tony was like violently Italian.

I mean, visually. He made me look Scottish. The fucking dude. He had like long like greasy locks it was beautiful he had a honk on him like he was like a parakeet the fucking guy was like a toucan it was double the size of my beak if he saw him from the he could eat a hoagie in the rain it wouldn't get wet he's got a face awning unbelievably a dago So I'd be talking to him and be like,

he says, and he had the most wonderful smile. He says he really likes, you know, the way you smile or something. Something so ridiculously romantic. And I would go, yeah.

And then that's, that's what really broke her because we got to a level of like intimacy. Yeah. And trust and trust. You were singling her out and still doing it and it's really bad look like you're back and i'm like ah poor girl you know yeah i disagree i disagree too because look at us now having a having a fun bit i think poor poor you okay yeah that's a you should have gotten pussy for that dude. I should have got this Key West starter kit.

Dude, if I'm in Florida for two days, I think about a Tommy Bahama. Every time I walk by a Tommy Bahama, I was like, dude, I can... It's a lifestyle shit. In Florida, he was wearing a mock long-sleeved turtleneck on the beach. Like an old lady with cancer, dude. I bought one for everyone in the crew. He he's got zinc on his nose he's got one of these he's got one of these like yeah he's got like one of these swordfish fisherman hats just dudes that are afraid of the sun yeah unbelievable and he bought me a long sleeve shirt and i was like that's so sweet of you that's going in a garbage oh you're italian yeah so half black but you're you're Italian. So half black. What am I going to do with this?

You're Irish? Yeah. All Irish? All the way, yeah. Yeah, I get the same thing, too. I had some doctor this year. I got, like, checked for skin cancer. He's like, you're Irish.

Yeah, they're like, it's just noted by your skin's weathered nature. You are Irish. But then, so I get it checked out by, like, the skin person. Then I go to a regular physician. I was, like, knocking everything out. And then she was basically, like, refuting his diagnosis and saying my back was riddled with cancer and then gave me like a piece of paper with a turtleneck design thing that she was like you should get this and i was like what do you get the fucking kickback is this like

code what to get a discount yeah that's the 10% discount? That's the prescription? It's a turtleneck? If this doesn't work, we're going to have to go burka. Just put Dr. Lopez in the discount code. Is this an Amazon link? No, it's hilarious when you see people fully clothed on the beach.

I get it if you're super old and stuff. No, I mean, dude, you know what? I don't give a fuck. I'm not getting sunburned yeah yeah and honestly i got moles no no i was gonna say that i i like i had a weird i fucking hate hearing stop saying that word mole yeah it's disgusting yeah why dude you have them you have a bunch birthmarks natural birthmarks c Cindy, Cindy Lauper. Give me a fucking break. What's that supermodel? Cindy Lauper. What's that supermodel,

Cindy Lauper? I told you I don't know shit. Cindy Lauper. Yeah, she doesn't call it a mole, she calls it a birthmark. No, but I like,

I had a one that was like a little misshapen, I guess, when I was in college. Yeah. You know, just weird borders. And the guy was like,

yeah, yeah. And it's like, dude, he left a knife wound in my fucking back? It's like I'm not doing that again. Yeah, I thought you'd do some nice cosmetic shit Yeah, no, they took my grandpa's half of his ear just off and offered no replacement like that. They're like you're 80 The rest of your body will eventually decompose as well.

You're married, right? Yeah, you're fine. Yeah, you're fine. Up to the 80s, they used to use these clamps. They looked like tongs to pull the baby out. Yeah, forceps. Yeah, forceps, yeah. My brother Steve has a permanent Nike symbol.

It's like perfect. No shit. It's a Nike symbol on his face. Because they grabbed it and just like one slipped. So he just has this fucking face scar. It's a Nike symbol on his face. Because they grabbed it and it just like once slipped. So he just has this fucking face scar. Looks like a squealer. Looks like somebody just stepped on his face. And my mother was a nurse so she didn't sue.

It's like apparently it's a thing you could just get, you know, tens of thousands of dollars. Look at your mom being a down ass bitch though. Listen, I understand how you can fuck up. She went out of suing family. I'll tell you that. I know. Even poor people. I think I got pulled out by like the the vacuum because I have a high back.

I'm like an Anunnaki. You got a great head, dude. You got a great head. Oh, I got called Watt head. We've talked about it before. I have flat. I've got like a front end loader. Did you let a front end loader?

You got a Fred Flintstone. Dude, my spine just comes, like it barely attaches to the back of my head And everything else is just in the front It's given me a lot of You look like they took you out of the womb and put you right in a microwave I'm sure I'm late to this But you've gotten like Aaron Eckert Right?

No who's that? You do look like Eckert I never thought about that He's Two-Face from Dark Knight He's a great actor Yeah I's that guy? He's Two-Face from Dark Knight. Thank you for smoking. He's a great actor. Yeah, he's handsome. Yeah, I like that guy. Holy shit.

You definitely have like Aaron Eckert jawline for sure. And his weird eyes. This guy's weird eyes. All right, I'm going to buy a cool sweater this weekend. Hell yeah. It's so funny. You get older. I got drunk in, I think I was like 23.

And I was living in Northeast Philly. Not Northeast Philly. Who gives a shit? And I fell backwards. You know the old school beard trimmers you'd have to charge in the upright standings? So I always had it

because I had to shave every day. So I always had it plugged in next to my bed for some reason. I guess the outlet in the bathroom probably wasn't working at that age. And I fell backwards on the corner of my bed directly on my ass into the top of the shaver

and opened me up. And I was like, I'm talking like Peter Griffin level yelling for like five minutes by myself, bleeding all over the rug. And I'm like, I can't drive myself to the hospital

Rock Sparrow that's where I was in Rock Sparrow Philadelphia you're just rolling around holding your ass no after the pain went away I went to the bathroom

bleeding all over the fucking floors and I duct taped my ass what what I have a big scar right here on my ass it's like puffy it's like this long

and it's like that thick you took a piece of duct tape You took a piece of duct tape. I took a piece of duct tape. I can't go to the hospital. To close the wound? Yeah, I got duct tape in my ass. Dude, it's split like this. Because anything that has tension, your ass or any piece of like your thigh, it opens up.

Was this no health insurance or this was pure laziness? Pure laziness. And I was strong. I'm not going to walk to a hospital three in the morning hospital three wait so you didn't go like the next day right no i just kept the tape on for a while just kept reapplying duct tape i know same thing i put a little cause in there that's why the scar is so large and i show my daddy goes i guess you're not gonna be an underwear model you know like dad's don't give a yeah yeah scars or anything. Yeah, there's no like... He's also great. He used to show your dad your ass.

I had to. Why? I don't know. It's a good story. Dad, get a little of this. You know what I mean? 23? You're still vowing for his heart.

Oh my God. You gotta give him good stories. I'm pretty sure my dad has never seen me naked at any point in my life. My mother did. Including changing diapers when I was a baby. Oh right, he left. No, no no he was there he just was not connected i thought your pop left no no we just had like a uh we had a pretty brutal breakup as a family when i when i was uh in junior like so i played ball my first two years of college

at junior college and so i was i was living mean, no longer my body is fucking done. Yeah, I think so. I mean, my wife was really good at basketball too. Oh really? Yeah. We were neighbors.

Like we used to, we used to play hard. I broke her nose. Can you just, can you just join a men's league and hit threes or something? Probably. But like, I don't know.

Should I? Yes. Yeah. I've never like, it just gets in the way of this. You know what I mean? Like, it's always nighttime because everybody else has regular ass jobs. And then this is, you know, I don't know.

But I. Where the fuck is he going? I don't know. I discovered late because I played lacrosse in college. And my whole thing was, like, dodging and doing all this movement. It was exhausting yeah and then i i started playing men's league and i just played like i would stand right in front of the goal and just have people just huck balls into me and i would just

i was scoring all i was like why didn't i do this in college yeah i just catch shit and dump it in the net i don't have to run i don't have to like move around. I don't think nobody told me this. It's crazy. Just catch. Yeah. Dude, I watch TikTok basketball workouts all the time. Livid at what I didn't have access to. Oh my God. Like livid. Dude. Catholic high schools.

Your teachers were your coaches. Yeah. Yeah. So my fucking algebra teacher was my baseball coach. He'd be like, get out there and throw each other balls yeah it's like dude i have multi-sport coaches because they wanted the extra 2500 a season they didn't care it was nobody watched film never almost ever and if you did it was like this quick run through thing there was no like your own highlights yeah yeah there was no

go back and show that throw I did. I remember the first time watching film in college. Because when you're short on a team, you don't realize that you're short. Like if you're short around a bunch of tall people, you just assume you're their height. What? It's weird. Yeah, you like. No.

Yeah, no. It's not a thing. No, it is a thing. Say that again. It is. It is. It's actually the opposite. Even being at a different level than yeah

Yeah, you just start to like if I was around like five Shane's I think I was walking in the middle of New York No, it's like when you see like a dog with a pack of like geese or something You associate your height with a lot of you start to You start to just be like, we're just a bunch of big guys. And then I remember, I remember the first time watching myself on film. I was like, holy shit, dude. Is that me? That's dangerous.

There's a child out there. I could get hurt. Dude, I thought I was really athletic until I watched myself on film. Like in college. And I had a good handle. I could pass and I could shoot a little bit. But I was watching myself on film playing against actual athletes. And the in and out cross that I thought was lightning quick was like this. I could barely shift my weight. And I'm just like bumping into bodies,

throwing up horseshit, hoping for a foul. It was like, it was truly embarrassing. Yeah. Think about the next level, man. Like that's what Juco, right? So, I mean, I played against kids that are like next level. I played against J.R. Smith in high school. I played against Hilton Armstrong.

We played at UConn and in the NBA. Mike Nardi, who was a point guard at Villanova. So it's just like football in Juco where that's just a temporary situation for them. For a lot of them, yeah. But J.R. and Hilton Armstrong and Mike Nardi were in high school. So I did like recruiting camps and stuff like that,

like Eastern Invitational, where I was on the lower tier of all that stuff, but I still got thrown into the mix. And I'd have to play J.R. Smith fresh off of ABCD camp, which is the biggest camp in the country. He just won MVP. It's very clear he's going straight to the NBA. He's high out of his ass, just like eyes like this.

Pants down to his ankles. He's like stepping in from half court, drilling threes, and I'm getting subbed out immediately for not guarding. Dude. It's like, all right. You see he's golfing now. Yeah, he's good. He got a 4.0.

He's legit. I know. Yeah. I think Steph Curry's going to have a senior tour career. I agree with you. Really? Yeah, he's really good. He's a really good golfer.

Damn. Timberlake's not bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They play together a lot. Those guys in high school, do they just never miss? Those guys in high school are like... just never miss? Those guys in high school?

Yeah. Dude, my dad played basketball. He grew up in the Bronx and played basketball in the Bronx and played in college a little bit. What high school in the Bronx? He played for Cardinal Spellman. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That's a fucking sick school. Really? Yeah, basketball-wise? Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. And he played with some guys that wound up playing for the Knicks, I think, like, when he was coming up, and he was just like, dude, on the schoolyard, that's what he did,

on the schoolyard, they would not miss. Yeah. They would not miss. It was, like, crazy. Yeah. My buddy, I think he holds the three-point record for Rockland County still. He had, like, 14 threes in a game or something.

Yeah. If you, he was, he had Asperger's or something if you stuck him in the corner he just like Eli Manning locked in the last two minutes of the fucking Super Bowl out of nowhere he's incredible and just would not fucking miss shots it was it was like almost off-putting yeah you couldn't believe it dude you have to be socially you know inept to be that good at anything. You know what I mean? Anyone that's good at anything at that level, you're like, well, do you ever hang out with them outside of a baseball court? Dude, I was always so jealous of guys that when you pissed them off, would get really good.

Like, if you piss me off a little bit, I suck. The wheels come off. Yeah, because you just see your dad and whoever's yelling at you. The same exact way. But there were dudes who'd like, who'd be kind of lollygagging and they would get, they would get like,

someone would get chippy with them and all of a sudden they'd be like all American, like the best player on the field and you'd be like, wow. It somehow hardened their focus.

It instantly took me out of every game. I'm screaming at my mom in my head. I know, I know. Well, they'd also be like

all those bad things, like overly aggressive and like crazy, but they just, it was working. This is the thing, that going back to the teaching, the lessons, all these things, these kids that are really great, they either move to the South for baseball,

move to the North for hockey, move to the West for football. All these kids are groomed at a very young age with lessons and yeah coaches and teaching so we just growing up northeast with natural talent going i hope this works out anytime someone scolds you or yells at you as a teammate you're just going that's that's my dad yeah that's my mom i can hear the passive aggressiveness in your voice you yeah and i'm going to strike out two more times just because now i can't stop hearing your voice whereas they have been hearing this for they they disassociate yeah their household type situation so my best

friend growing up cooch he went from our high school team with zero coaching he was an incredible natural talent he went to temple broke the home run record, almost broke the hit record. His coach at Temple was a fat alcoholic who never left a dugout. And I'm talking old school alcoholic. Jimmy Dugan from A League of Their Own. He was like 80 years old. They had no coaching.

So even that team, which won the title their senior year, was just pure talent by chance. The same way our high school team was pure talent by all the parishes that we grew up around. Just by chance, we were great. He was drafted by the Red Sox because of his ability. Went to Lowell, Massachusetts, on Boston's Red Sox AAA team,

and got one round of coaching from regular people that he would have gotten at age eight if people had money around us. And he changed his entire swing and he was like Tommy I was like I was just destroying the ball

more so than I ever have in my life because one dude was just like change this he was like that was it the guy probably

approached him too like wow where'd you learn to do that exactly yeah yeah he's got like a Jim Furyk

I was just gonna to say that. Fucking policeman. How are you this good and this fucked up? This fucks up crazy. I can't believe you just said that. I literally was going to say Jim Furyk swing. That's like Lonzo Ball. I mean, you see it and how that guy was that good

and he shoots on this side of the fucking head and he's so inconsistent. It's like, how did you get to that level with so little basics? Natural talent. It's crazy. It's crazy how much did you get to that level with so little basics? Natural talent. It's crazy. It's crazy how much natural talent is untapped due to social construct and whatever, where you're raised. Just bad coaching.

Yeah. Yeah, coaching. Yeah, dads and shit. I should have said dads first. Shitty dads. In eighth grade, I was on the modified baseball team or whatever middle school baseball team and we were uh modified mike at it again hell yeah and i was i was at that point bad i was like an okay pitcher or whatever but i wasn't really playing and all it was our first game we were up

five nothing it was like the sixth inning so second to last inning i think and the coach was like want to go out to right field i'm like i'm not a fucking outfielder like i have a spring league basketball game so i'm gonna go and I'm just gonna go play basketball and he like blown away right couldn't believe it this guy was so hardcore baseball and then like I think I quit a day later because he was visibly upset and like told all these parents and then three days later we got an anonymous letter from New York City, which is he's the only parent that worked in the city, and it basically attacked me and my dad. Did you put a return address on it?

What a fucking idiot. What a maniac. It was stamped. The stamp gets like over the thing, so it shows you where it came from. I would cut letters out of a magazine and paste it. Dude, he called my dad a, you failed actor, you fat, arrogant fool.

Like all this crazy-ish at you and your pussy son. Oh my God. Because you wouldn't play outfield? Because I just wouldn't play outfield and then the next day was like, I like basketball more and I don't want to take away from the team

so I'm going to just not play anymore. I thought I was being like a pretty mature eighth grader. Instead he's like, I'm going gonna bury you Oh my god You and your dad Are going down

You're losing me Two games a year Now years later I agree with the letter My dad is a fat Arrogant fool Wait till my son's team Gets a load of this

I think it'd be so funny If you're like I'm gonna quit I just need you to write this Yeah Sign off on this Yeah yeah yeah You just need to agree to this

You're gonna have to write it Just that little chunk yourself. Get a handwriting sample. Mike's in the corner like when you see first 48 and the guy like gets held in a room for hours cold in a sweatshirt.

They're like, we'll give you McDonald's if you just sign on this line. He goes to prison for 20 years. Dude, that shit is fucking crazy. Dude, dad's,

I like, that's the thing that I wonder if it really happens anymore. We used to have dad's spaz on the practice field. Yeah. And, like, yeah. We had, like, three or four. We had, like, coaching scandals. That happened. Somebody just hit a girl.

Some coach just hit a high school basketball girl. What did she wear? She was wearing shorts. Sometimes you got to whack them. She deserved a heavy fist. She wasn't running. Oh, really? She wasn't?

Yeah, she wasn't. I love it. That's reasonable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jersey was on top. She wasn't getting back on tape. No, it's like, I'm going to punish you by running sprints. If they say no, well.

Dude, all the dads. What else are you going to do? The most aggressive fathers. You can do this the easy way or the hard way i still have like a a group text with with a bunch of friends from home where we constantly talk about legendary aggressive fathers that were clearly abusive yeah publicly on a daily basis that you now look back and go holy fuck how did how did any of this happen? Like, you know, scolding, hitting, you know, just the way they treated you. In football, we had, in peewee football,

you had weight classes. And all of our coaches were the most aggressive fucking maniacs you can imagine. Of course. You know, they would get off their construction jobs and then just beat the fuck out of you, you know, and drink while you were a championship level team. And then when it came to weigh-ins, they put the fat kids in trash bags.

You had to poke through trash bags and run around the field until you dropped your weight. So kids would just be throwing up in buckets. They were cutting weight? Cutting weight. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I started football at five. High school wrestling or high school football?

No, it's not high school. You started full contact football at five years old. Five years old, full contact football. My father has great stories about it because he thought it was adorable, the shit that was happening. The young CTE. And now I'm like, you know,

I call my dad Ron because I forget his fucking name. But the best time of my life. I wrote a fucking article for New York Times about CTE when that first came out. Did they publish it? Huh? Did they publish it? Did they publish it?

No, they wrote back a letter going, fuck you and your dad. Yes, they published it. It's called, I forget what it's called. Do you have an article in the New York Times? Yeah. No kidding. What got you that?

Your cardigan? That's why I... Those are the. No kidding. What got you that? Your cardigan? That's why I Those are the cardigan years. Why dress like that? The brown boots with the blue laces. I'm different now. Excuse me, I'm investigating a story. He just drops down his fake glasses.

It was about the positives and how peewee football really made you as a person in terms of camaraderie, leadership, sportsmanship, all of these things, all the characteristics that you build in youth football that are no longer there because of the fear of CT and helmet-to-helmet contact, all that stuff. So now they're doing flag football, but it's not the same because you're losing a sense of fear. You're losing a sense of contact. So that's what it was about. There was a give and take.

The point of the story is these kids- Losing a sense of fear. At 60. What? The way you look at somebody on a fucking train. No, you're right. It's just a funny thing to be like, these five-year-olds need to be more afraid. There's no sense of fear anymore.

If I wasn't doing helmet-to-helmet drills With the toughest kid on the fucking team I wouldn't be able to angrily look at some Some animal on a train And balk them down That's right These kids are 60, 70, 80 pound kids That when it came to weigh ins Before the other team weighs in You'd have to run them around

And then they'd be throwing up, sweating in bags Get back on the scale, two more laps Get back on the scale. Two more laps. Get back on the scale. Two more laps. Get back on the scale. This is pregame? Yeah, pregame. Dude, Sullivan had to do this too.

And then once they passed, they'd eat like three or four hot dogs to replenish all their shit. Oh my God. Give them two Gatorades. Yeah. Which is like, get out there and fucking smack some fucking heads. These guys are going to win a fucking championship. And we did. Dude, my buddy.

Five out of seven years, baby. Hell yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. I'll show you my corduroy coats. They're right behind me. championship and we did dude my buddy five out of seven years baby hell yeah yeah hell yeah i'll show you my corduroy cape my corduroy coats are right behind and the amount of times the amount of times if you lost to a team i fully expected to see a glass case yeah you want to talk about art they're being shipped in they'll be here next week yeah yeah dude like in the amount of times if you lost a game you'd be like they were overweight yes scale was off yeah yeah no they

cheated it's the raiders classic i got taken off a bunch of soccer teams because i got brought in as a ringer for soccer i was really good when i was younger and they'd bring me on to like you know it might i'd have friends where my grandma lived so they'd put me on their new jersey team and i don't live there but they'd like claim my grandma's house and then i remember several nights where like parents that i've never met before showed up at our front door and were either like you guys are in trouble for doing this or trying to get me to play on their team and i'm like seven you know six or seven. Just be like,

what the fuck is happening? I just had like a really big leg and they didn't know, they didn't know what that, you know what I mean? Like back then, back then it was like, you were good if you could kick far.

So they didn't know what skills were. I was a, I was a fucking marshmallow on toothpicks. I was dying. You were a fat kid? No, no, no.

I mean, you have a little marshmallow, a mini marshmallow on toothpicks. No, tiny. You were a fat kid? No, no, no. I'd be just a little marshmallow. A mini marshmallow on toothpicks. No, I was skinny as fuck. No shit. Yeah, I was a little straight B. Dude, in seventh grade, I played D-line. Because I was tiny. I thought you were going to say in seventh grade I grew into my head.

No, no, no. No, no, tiny. I was tiny. And nobody could block me. Because you got around. You just slip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they always put the fattest, slowest kids on the line.

Yeah. I would just slip right by them and just sack people. It hasn't changed. No, no. And then they eventually started accounting for it. There would be the star running back, and he would just blow me up. And just my helmet would shoot. I played football one season. It was my senior year of college because my coach, my soccer coach, I was getting recruited as a sophomore.

Your soccer coach was like, quit. Dude, he was an alcoholic math teacher. And he just out of nowhere benched me junior year. I think he had some weird idea and just put somebody else in. All the college letters stopped, everything like that. I just didn't get looked at at all. Oh, my God. So I was like, fuck this.

I want to play basketball anyway. So I started playing. I played football. The next year is almost like a protest. Like, suck my dick. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to be with my buddies. Like, this is cool.

It's going to be fun. And I started at Corner. Like, we played a 4-3. So I played D. That's impressive, dude. I mean mean you know i was i played basketball defense so it's kind of similar and nobody is that good but yeah we played high school they're not going deep that much right no i mean not really not in my year

not in my town yeah yeah i mean that probably just shows how shitty my school was more than anything else but this one kid was like a 6'1 250 pound running back from spring valley giant black kid getting recruited from all over the place and so the whole week we're preaching how to take this kid out one goes high one goes low we really like hit them it's teamwork right so i remember thinking because you know i'm in the weight room with everybody i'm like you know getting the bruises on my arm feeling very football tough and i remember this kid first play the game comes through the hole and i'm like i'm gonna light this kid up i'm going to absolutely crush him so i went high like i was like gonna spear his fucking chest off of his body and the next thing i knew i was on my

back with rain coming into my helmet and the like cowbells going because he was streaking down the sideline for a first play touchdown yes dude all the parents that's my baby i was saying this to tommy the other day that it's like when you've been hit by like a 200 pound person like not even that like just like full speed athletic yeah and how badly that hurts oh my god it's like it's like playing could you imagine getting hit by a real bus like someone is just a man running like 15 miles an hour yeah is enough to devastate you like imagine a bus yeah hitting you at 25 but it also makes suicide like the thought of suicide a lot harder

because you're like I remember getting hit when I was 13 I cannot jump in front of this train Ryan from Glen Olden hit me so hard this kid had a fucking he had a pigeon toe he only had one pigeon toe and he was the fastest toughest fucking dude dual pigeon toes you can fly he played you can literally leave your feet

otherwise you're just at a circle this kid he played both sides you play both sides of the ball in peewee football yeah and i was i broke out this run a naked bootleg and i went around the left hand side i could still see this dude and i ran for like 40 yards and i had wheels and i see this kid ryan who was the only kid i was scared of anytime we like to go back to the weigh-ins the other team would weigh in and you'd see all the other trash would weigh in and then you'd see all the other trash parents and stuff and i got scared as a kid like i was scared of like there was like you go to parkside it was all black or you go to like collingdale where they're like

tougher and there were more trash parents were trash or they were they were like audibly yelling at the kids yeah and there's just the underlying fear of like, all of it. Not being good. All of it. Just failing. You know what I mean? Like that was like, what if I fucking blow it today? Just like, I'll kill my,

this is the only thing I have. And you're waiting. With all your friends there. Yes. All of them. Counting on you. And the weigh-ins you have, weigh-ins are the first time

you see these people without helmets on. And I was little, like, you know, and you don't wear your pads, you just wear your jersey and your pants. And then the other side, you're staring at these guys

that are much bigger than you and they're talking shit at like fucking nine years old. And they would have like, one dude had, I'll never forget, he had like full face paint. Nice.

Like Latimer from fucking the program. Already sweaty. Yeah. Like Latimer. Smashing the like smashing cars yeah so i'm just like seat at the table smashes his head people are just like hot softly falling it's just yeah run 26 yeah but this dude ryan fucking he was a tough kid and he wrecked me i just get to the goal line and i kind of like put my hand out and this dude Ryan fucking he was a tough kid and he wrecked me I just get to the goal line and I kind of like put my hand out and this dude hit me so hard his first knockout I had first concussion yeah and I fell into they used to have the the yard markers used to be linked to chains mm-hmm and they had this this

plastic like they have the garden hose things that you whip up but it was it's how you whipped up the the chains, the chains in between the, the, the yard markers first down third down, all that shit. Yeah. And I blasted through this plastic and like ripped into my back and I was gone. I was out for like 10, 15 seconds. And the coach was like, you know, you know, know slapping my face get my helmet off yeah do it again and i did lower back's a long way from the head

dude i played gaelic football and we you know wait wait wait what it's similar to like rugby but it's it's no football rules dude it's awesome. It actually I was showing somebody recently get into Gaelic football. My mom saw it in the paper. Yeah. Weirdly, like she's like, how can I kill my kid? We're so Irish that she's like, I feel like it's important for you to like, you know, know about your culture. And next week she was like, Mike, you want to try cliff diving? I don't want to derail the story.

But just quickly, Irish hurling is the best sport. I played for eight seconds, yeah. The best sport in the world. I've watched it. It's nuts. It's fucking awesome. I got hit in the head. It's like Gaelic football.

It's the same kind of thing. But it's like a flat field hockey stick, and you self-pitch, and you're just like, while sprinting as fast as you can. It's terrifying. From 80 yards, we'll just backhand swat balls through uprights. It's insane. Yeah, it's crazy. And it's full contact, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what's the other one? It's Gaelic football? So Gaelic football is similar where it's kind of like rugby. There's some basketball elements. There's volleyball elements. There's soccer ball elements.

It's just super fast-paced. It's like if rugby and hurling came together. Yeah, exactly. It's got that same where there's a goal that you can score in, in like soccer that's three points yeah yeah it's super fast paced and exciting to watch like i recommend anybody who has it is unfamiliar check it out on youtube because it's it's a kick ass sport it should be more popular but that is like the sport of the mentally ill especially especially in the states where nobody knows like i mean my my now wife then girlfriend when i was like 15 years old she'd come to games we'd play at the rockland psychiatric center no dude because

it was the only place and like there'd be patients wandering onto the field with like a robe and their dick out like legitimate what wild crazy shit and that wasn't even the nutty part because the parents would be blackout drunk and my wife girlfriend at the time 15 years old sitting on the sideline like just watching this mayhem and some drunk dad would be like go for the pint you fucking pussy and then turn or like just turn still next to her pull his dick out and just piss four feet away like it was that type of shit this had to be every other parent had to be Irish immigrants. Constantly.

Yeah. Yeah. All of them. Fresh off the boat. All of them. Yeah. Yeah. And so all of those that we got into,

we went to Ireland to play and we, we got into a fight every single game, but even in the States, like parents would rush the field and fist fight with the kids. Like, so the kids and everybody would get into these scraps and parents would run over with like the stakes and the flag that they'd marked out of bounds and shit. This has a psychological level of pageant moms where they put their little fat kid in

makeup and they're like, get out there and seem hot. It's all about the mother. Gaelic football is all about the parents. They're looking to fight. Yeah, I think so. I appreciate this. Well, because there's no future in it, really. Yeah, right.

Unless you're in Ireland. And your kids have no future. And even then, I'm not sure if anybody gets paid ever. We're not going anywhere. Let's hit the fucking Gaelic football field and wreck all our brains. It's like there's plenty of places to fight. Yeah. We don't have to do this in Jersey.

We don't have to do it at the youth Gaelic football game. Dude. I can't get myself to a place where I would fight at a kid's. No. Like, I don't. I've seen it a I would fight at a kid's... No. Like, I don't... I've seen it a few times growing up. Yeah? Parents fighting.

Was it, like, legitimate? I could see going after a ref. I've seen that, too. I've seen that, too. I coached youth sports for a little while, and I got into it with some refs. You coached youth sports? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give it back to the community. Me too. Soccer. I needed the money. Clearly. Me too. Clearly Chris. That's what every pedophile says. I say I volunteered. I babysit for the money and I needed to hang on to that gig so if refs were

fucking up. You're up their ass. Dude, I got you you worse i was coaching like two and a half year olds soccer and like having them pick up cones it's like a fucking motor skill class it was just starting to like your son i hope no this is years ago i was just starting to do like okay in comedy i was on like the nightly show and whatever bullshit and i got recognized while coach while being like oh that's you can never touch the ball with your hands like the kids would yell and somebody was like were you on larry well at least it's like you can always say like you're you can say you give it back to the

community that's right if you were like a bartender like a server you know what i mean that's worse yeah was it boys or girls uh both okay yeah at that age it's like i had my first exposure to like i helped my brother i was like home and i helped my brother coach my niece in soccer i've never played soccer before really in my life and uh you just got to stand them upright and hope they don't shit i hadn't i hadn't had any exposure to actual women's sports really or youth women's sports for that matter. But throughout my career of sports growing up as a kid, you hear coaches being like, What are you fucking playing? Patty cake over here?

You're like, dude, so we're coaching this thing. And literally two girls on defense start playing patty cake. No. And I could not believe it. I was like on the sidelines like double-double. We had to yell at them to literally stop playing patty cake because they were rushing the ball up the field it was insane dude girl little girls on a sports field yeah is the craziest like they're doing all that stuff that your coach has yelled at you about that's like well that's just like it's a cartoon of

yeah you know two people fucking around they're actually it. And so many of them don't want to be there. Someone's got one of those. We play grab it. Someone's got one of those. Origami. Dude, my little sister, I really tried to make her into an athlete, but she's like, she's a musical prodigy.

Like she was fluent at the piano when she was like three or four years old, like crazy. But I demanded that she play sports. Of course. Where do you feel how fast and i coached her team when like you know her her coach wasn't there for a day or whatever and so i was coaching and i stuck her in goalie because she was tall and big and i thought it might you know it'd get her excited or something like that and at one point she was literally

pointing to a butterfly and got piped in the back of the head by a ball and just then flew into the pole so it was like a double and i i didn't stop laughing for a while but it was very clearly the end of her sports career holy shit that'll teach you to like music i'll just jump to the page How long have we done? 56 Yeah but that That was on for a while We've probably done like 50

Smooth transition Chris Well They're gonna yell at us About not doing an hour Oh you're gonna yell at us For the free hour? Yeah Alright

They got cranky You always get yelled at They always In the comments They're always like Look guys It's really funny I like it

But if you really want to have a future You gotta go now Jesus Christ Do we? down they always in the comments they're always like look guys it's really funny i like it but if you really want to have a future you gotta go now jesus christ the joy doesn't last long enough this is so fucking stupid you get people like fucking commenting like negatively it's like oh you're getting 10 to 12 hours of content yeah $5 a month? Do you know how many hours were put? If I asked you to come cut my lawn for fucking 10 to 12 hours

in the month and I was like, here's five bucks. How would you feel? I'd kill you. In fairness to them, this is not nearly as hard as cutting a lawn.

This is 10 times harder than cutting a lawn. I would rather cut a lawn for two hours every once a week. No way. 100%. No way. No way.

I love cutting lawns. Big fan. Huh? You wouldn't know. You've never done it. And just like the dishes, it's very soothing. I've cut lawns before. Yeah?

You ever used a vacuum? Yeah. To clean the dish? I deep clean these floors with you. I've got to say, dude, you've got to stop kicking that out. I'm not kicking. You just got me upset. No, you are kicking. Look at where the camera's been. I love how the last four- It you've got to stop kicking that out. I'm not kicking. You just got me upset. No, you are kicking.

Look at where the camera's moving. I love how the last four minutes. It's just on me. Yeah, yeah. How's that? And I moved it in the middle. There you go. The last four minutes of this podcast.

When I just was like, yeah, this is going on a good beat. Let's kick it over to the Patreon. This is what it is. Now we're fighting. Just kick. I've cut lawns before. What do you cut them on? You sit and you ride a mower?

Do you ride on a mower? You see me cut the lawn back here? What are you talking about? Yeah, that's nothing. I'm talking about a real lawn. I was a landscaper for five years, Chris. A landscaper? A true landscaper.

I was doing mulch. Bullshit. Bulbs of plants. You dig in the trench between the lawn and the garden? You're goddamn right. A move? I doubt it right A moot I doubt it A moot I doubt it

I mooted I doubt it I've been known to moot You got You went along the edge With the weed whacker That was your job I had all the jobs

No you didn't No you didn't You're being No you didn't You're being No you didn't I upset you Because you don't clean up

No no no I can tell you I was right Because I stunned you there For a second No You didn't stun me Normally I'd be I was thinking about I was right because I stunned you there for a second. No. You didn't stun me. Normally, I'd be getting hammered right now with all kinds of bullshit.

I was right. You just got to do the ridge between the lawn and the garden. They didn't trust you with anything else. It's the easiest job. Even if you fuck up, it's right. The best story. No, that's not true. Yo, in our crew, there was a great, there was a dude.

There was a dude. You're right about a lot of this. Hold on, hold on. We did have an edge guy. You were the edge guy. No, I was not the edge guy because he was much better. He was much better than you. Really?

Yeah. He was much better. He was much better at that shit. Really? Really? Dude, my favorite landscape story, this dude, my boss. No, it's the same. Is it the edge guy? No. You were doing the edges and they were like, Tom. Chris, shut the fuck up. Why don't you let... This is the guy that owned the company his name was uh das uh he ran the the there was no cedar this is 98 97 96 great cedarage of 98. There was no run yet. The great trim was of 98.

No, there was no... It was very expensive. I don't even think the seeded mowers were around yet. Shut up. You don't know anything about Lance Giddey. The best wild assumption I've ever heard in my entire life. John Deere has been a company since the 50s. You don't think they had riding mowers?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean the ones in the early 90s. I'm talking about the one you sit down. Maybe you couldn't afford it. Anyway, he had the Ford. Somebody had to have soldered it onto a go-kart at that point. Just him in a lawn chair no he had he had the he had the drive the drive mowers where you put it and you put it neutral and then and then you have to

like let this you know this latch go and it drive itself but the old school ones the cheaper ones that we had you didn't have to shut the motor off. You could just put it in park instead of shutting the motor off. Nowadays, for safety reasons, you have to totally shut the blades off, keep it neutral, go pick something up. Yes, we're getting there. So we used to cut this Century 21

where his dad worked, and then we would cut the nursery school across the street, and next to the nursery school was an open parking lot where kids would play. Is this a lawnmower Sandy Hook? Just running over

12 kids. They're just getting sucked under and spit out. Little sneakers flying out. Two more. The teacher finally stops them by moving. So the parking lot next door, they're playing roller hockey. So anytime they play roller hockey,

people would just throw bottles and shit onto the grass. So anytime he would see a bottle, he would put it in park. And they'd go get a bottle. And I'm across the street weed whacking. You weren't wrong. But I did both. You're doing the basketball court corners. Concrete court corners.

I'm weed whacking. It's a small street so I hear screaming. So I shut the weed whacker it's a small street so I hear screaming so I you know I shut the weed whacker off not totally off I just like

I let the trigger and I'm like what the fuck was that and then I get back to weed whacking stop get back no just the eyes

I didn't wear ears I didn't want I didn't want my dad driving by and seeing wearing all his dork hair protecting your ears I got a bike coming on and a mouthpiece sorry dad I didn't want my dad driving by and seeing me wearing all this dork gear. Protecting your ears.

I got a bike coming on and a mouthpiece. Sorry, dad. Sorry for disappointing you. I swear I'll be better at football. So the fucking screaming continues. This kid that I went to high school with comes screaming. He's like, Das is hurt. Das is hurt.

So I drop the thing, and he's on the grass from here. So he puts it in park. One of the gears shifts off and he goes, this way. He's picking up a bottle and it runs over his foot. Oh my God.

He's wearing a Timberland and the top of the Timberland is just hopped off. And the blade went through his foot and just made it fucking, just wrecked it. Oh my God. All the bones scattered.

Flesh off. Scattered? He's a dude from across the other way jumps the fence with a big blanket, wraps the foot so like no one can see it or whatever. We waited. His house. Oh.

The blanket store. You fucking idiot. This is weird that someone has a blanket that quick. He was. It was a man that heard guttural screams. Yeah, and saw a man without his foot on. He had a diner on his neck. He just pulled it out like a magician.

He was playing superhero in his backyard. Just a 45-year-old man like, I guess it's my time. He pulled it out of his fifth pocket like a magician. He's saving this guy's foot. Someone's like, where'd you get that blanket from? It doesn't matter where I got that blanket. He just started

pulling it out of his mouth. He raps and his father's in Century 21 next door. His father was the realtor. His dad comes out. John's gripping the grass, ripping it out of the fucking, out of the ground. He's like, fuck, oh, fuck. And his dad grabs his hand and goes, John, watch your mouth. His dad, I looked at his dad.

I looked at him. I'm going, holy shit. Oh, my God. This dude's worried about language right now. This dude's foot's lopped off. Yeah. Special dispensation. Yeah. Yeah.

Special what? Dispensation. What's that remix you're talking about? Special dispensation. Special, right? Yeah. That was it. That fucked up. Is it weird to think that I'm athletic enough where that will never happen to me?

Dude, I have the same confidence. It's just like, dude, I'm getting hit by even a rogue lawnmower. Get my fucking foot out of the way. No, this thing moved, dude. And plus, it was a very short. I'd kick both feet up and land on it. Or die. I'd Fosbury flop. I'll do it.

He didn't see it coming. It doesn't matter. That's part of his unathletic ability, though. Exactly. It's like you're always peripheral if you're athletic. It's very weird. You hear the sound change? Doppler effect, it would be like.

I avoid accidents in my car because of how good of a point guard I am. Exactly. I feel the same way. I feel the same way. No one could move through this traffic like I could. These lawnmowers didn't run like Teslas. There was a giant motor in it. We're talking about when...

It was so loud. Look, Tommy, when you played sports at a high level, you can feel pressure. Even before they've touched you, you know where they're... You're not looking at them. You just feel the pressure. Do you know how often I can slap you in the face

without you recognizing I was right next to you? And the same thing happens in an automobile. It's just like they're in my blind spot, but I know they're there. I do too, yeah. I don't need any mirrors. It's just sense, dude. It's sense.

It's so funny. It's the same how dude. It's sense. It's so funny. It's the same how I know there's a trailer behind me on the break. I feel like you watch me do a bunch of clubs and shit. Oh, my God. He's like a sleeping blind kid when he's on the computer. I could take a shit in a bucket within an inch from him. He wouldn't even know. No, I'd smell it.

Oh, I'd smell it. All right. right yeah jump to the page yeah all right you got anything you want to promote uh just our podcast here's the scenario yeah here's the scenario all right here's the scenario it's me mike feeney and brendan sagalow oh dude real quick it's fun to promote. Here's the scenario. It's me. Are you high? No. You're having a good time. Hell yeah.

This is nice. I like you. I love how you just instantly knock somebody on the wrist when they're having fun. Are you high? Why is this? Well, I feel bad about the people. Here's the problem. He's not going to see us.

That's going to carry over to the Patreon. Tommy the landscaping Dominican barber I do it all For the next two hours He's not going to say A word to me That's why I'm confused About it

He's very happy And jolly Dude I had him And Sagalow On a fair one Last week It was one of the Best episodes we ever did

That was so fun It was so funny Don't promote a fair one I'm not. Sagalow, I am. Sagalow raps. He freestyled. What?

And I'm going to have him freestyle. He's actually like, he's okay. Yeah, he's pretty good. I've seen him try to do that in clips that you guys promoted. It's terrible. That was his pop punk lyrics from high school. Oh, yeah, yeah. That clip, yeah.

Now, do you want me to pull something up no don't show no because i want to do it live here fair enough yeah i'm gonna have one i was blown away yeah yeah his lyrical ability was the funniest and also just looking at saglow he's like a fucking he's like a teenage gummy bear and like he has lyrics that are like meaningful and deep and it's so fun it's good word play it's also funny how serious his face gets because he is like you're like i rap all right fine spin well you could see like that's how you acted in high school like in your bedroom like preparing for a soft hop or something like i'm gonna i'm? Like, I'm going to, I'm going to crush this. I've never, I've, I've never had the ability to do that.

What are you talking about? Dance? You dance here? no, no. I, that, that I can do.

Sometimes. The right song. I wouldn't say can do. It's like me, it's like me edging. You weren't exactly dancing. You were moving. You got French Montana going.

I think so. Um, but I've never been able, I remember like, cause I always wanted to like, rehearse jokes to myself. You know? I was like, that I need to get. And able I remember like because I always wanted to like rehearse jokes to myself you know I was like I need to get

so I was like alright I moved out of like having roommates I moved into a place by myself I was like I'll be able to do this here and I can't

I just imagine there's someone on the other side of the wall listening to it and I'm like I can't do this here like there's not a private enough place on earth

that I could get to where I could do something by myself or in the mirror yeah suicide we talked about this

at some point about the best thing to do is you put headphones in and you run lines for auditions or do stand up bits

as you walk and people just think you're on the phone there's so many people out here they don't even question what you're doing even if you're being a fucking weirdo doing an act out oh that's true yeah yeah yeah i'll just walk down one of the streets and i'll

just start talking like if i have a page or two pages of dialogue to learn i put my headphones in i just walk also all of like the things going on help you focus on yeah on the words because when you get into uh an actual audition room the fucking idiot that has to put the power button on and then walk around being a disrespectful asshole. I fucking hate those ladies. You know what I mean? Are you good at that? Are you good at like memorizing dialogue and being off book quick? No, it takes a while.

I am brutally bad at that. I feel like I'm not so bad. I feel like I'm pretty good at that actually. Yeah, I'm brutal. Memorization of like long dialogue yeah i always like because i'm i'm visual in the sense that i just like even to remember jokes i kind of just remember chunks that i've written or even jotted down and i picture the note that i wrote so i don't like yeah i don't even get the words in it's just the picture of the page. You're not in the spirit of the character at all.

You're like, in my mind, I'm me reading a note card. I'm doing an invisible Saturday Night Live. So I'm just kind of looking off to the side, reading a note card that doesn't exist. That's what McKeever's great at. It's like Shane and everything those guys have done like in our past

with Bird Text or Gillian Cuse there's a structure a basic structure of the sketch or whatever you're shooting and then go

hit that message however you do it I want to see you do it as my canon as opposed to fucking Carl or whatever the

character is and you get such a better product so I never understood when you go into these audition rooms, it's like there are very few, maybe I'll say one in 30, that the woman will be like, just be yourself. I want to see how you take this character on. And don't worry about the exact wording.

And then there's other people who are like, you missed this one word. Could you do it again? You're like, why does that fucking matter? because now i'm in my head and i'm gonna butcher the whole goddamn thing because i'm thinking about periodically yeah the word periodically yeah i think i could called it for my last audition because of like that like i just riffed i was like i'm i'm done just reading the lines because i'm not good looking enough and i'm not good enough as an actor to just like nail the lines and that's it.

We want you. So the only way I'm going to do it is to like riff or do something a little different. They want you. Exactly. And I did that. And the lady was like, can you do it without like the improv? And I was like, let's you. And I just go, no.

Yeah. She was like, OK. It was like, see you later. I was like, bye. I don't need you yeah well yeah listen to here's the scenario sagalow raps he raps on the patreon yeah he keeps up to pay well because he's way too embarrassed good no i do that was impressed yeah no he's good i i think he's good too it's embarrassing how long how much time he spends on it. But outside of that. I don't want to know that. I don't know the sausage, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Just show me the meat. All right. Well, that's the page. Why can't I? Oh, that's not the page. That's the regular episode.

Now we're going to the page. Yeah, we threw the page three times this episode. Yeah. All right, cool. I got to take a piss.