Stuff Island - Stuff Island #61 - mystery pen w/ Scott Chaplain

Episode Date: January 5, 2023

Stuff Island Island #61 - mystery pen w/ Scott Chaplain - Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch.. Each week they'll talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish & twice a month they live stream VR Golf and Onward with fans. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Thank you, and God bless Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

you think okay like let's say they know world war three started let's get set away before we start recording you think they pull the trigger on this dude and he's like the new war machine? The NFL player? He's like the RoboCop that they've been waiting for? Damn, this pen you found in your backseat is the fucking truth. He's a leader. That is. He is. He can't make anything else like this.

You don't know. You just have five-hour energy in a Red Bull. You could plug a nicotine. Eight hours of fucking energy. It could be just nicotine. It would do the most. That's kind of true. Yeah.

It could be an upper, you know? Yeah. You want it? No. I mean, are you certain it's an upper? It's the five-hour energy in the red of weed. No, I can't have those. I'm in this as well. Yeah, that's all it is.

That's good. I'm looking for this. I keep talking shit about it. I don't think I'm invested. Invested in what? I want to learn how to do weed so I drink less. What does that mean? You don't do weed? Not really. I do it here and there.

I do a couple pulls and then I feel better. Get that mic a little bit lower so it's not covering your face. You're looking good. What are you doing? People will never know you. It's always hilarious when we do the cosplay. We'll have guests that just, they do this the whole time

and it's like, are you fucking, a lot of people yell at me for not, um, talking into the mic. Yeah, that's like a big thing. Yeah. You know, it's tough.

What do you do? They go, you're shouting! What, Eric? You live in an apartment building. It took me a long time to learn how to laugh like a hyena while pulling it away. Oh, you do laugh. Yeah, my laugh is

absurd. Yeah, that's the Sinatra in you. See, I didn't do it. No one else is doing this in podcasting except Tommy Pope. It's so embarrassing, dude. podcasting. Except Tommy Pope. He's got it. It is so embarrassing, dude. But it does.

You get a pop and then, you know, usually our producers, when they're not hung over, wear cans and they, you know. Sorry, yo. I still haven't learned how to vape without... Oh, directly. Yeah, it's like you vape the way someone would want to beatbox. You grab the

It's nice. Right back into it. I don't care. Everybody tells me I don't inhale. They go, you're doing it all wrong. Everyone pulls everything away from me when I try to smoke shit. I started maybe a few years ago, like three years ago.

Wait, you just started vaping or just started doing weed? Doing weed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just started everything. Everything. You just started drinking maybe two years ago, whenever the pandemic started. Really? Yeah.

It wasn't like an oh no, the pandemic. Yeah. You know, it was like, all right, the pandemic. I was like, I finally felt like home alone. I was like with Colby Colton. I was like, yeah, mom. Like I didn't have to see my mom. I'm like, I'm going to drink.

Dude, it's so fun. Like for, for, I guess the first month or two, you know, there'd be like a 5 p.m. like cocktail hour that everybody did. Yeah. But unless you're in the trenches for years, that's just going to catch up to you. Yeah. You know what I mean? I trained my whole life for quarantine.

Well, there was no, the first time I drank in the morning. That was wild. That was big, man. Cause that's for like two weeks. It's caught. It's the best coffee. Yeah. It's a problem, but God damn.

It was magic. Yeah. And the first time I had coffee, it was like 27. I remember. Cause I never used a laptop until I was like 27. And I remember I was like, I'm going to type on it. Like and do work. Right. I never like did work like that. You know? Yeah. And I was like, Oh gonna type on it like and do work right i never like did work like that you know yeah and i was like oh and i'll get a coffee with it yeah i mean we started right

yeah yeah i didn't have coffee until late too maybe like 25 really yeah because it was like uh i didn't i didn't think i needed it i I always thought it was performance enhancing, which I didn't do. Yeah, dude. I was just saying it that way. What do you think that is to you? Because that was me, too. Your team coach is going to be a little skeptical. That's what always pisses me off about people yelling about athletes using PEDs. It's like, you're not.

Yeah. And we're talking about because they have chocolate bars and shit. Yeah, yeah. So you're taking drugs to keep you, like, sane and not depressed, and it's like they should take points off your SATs. Oh, yeah, dude, right? When it's like, I feel sober, and it's like, you're almost like you take two medicines.

Yeah, I have to live with all my feelings. Outside of schizophrenia, you know, you should just hunker down and deal with all your bullshit. But you have schizophrenia? No, but we know people that... If you have schizophrenia, you don't know you have schizophrenia. You think you're a clown from space. They're fucking bananas.

They're out of their fucking... Say a thing a schizophrenic would say. Do an impression of a schizophrenic look i drank in vfw's coming up you know like vietnam pets they're out of their skull for btsd you know getting shelled their whole fucking life. Sure, yeah. Schizophrenics, they go off. Can you not know what a schizophrenic is? I actually don't. He goes, a schizophrenic? A guy showed me his dick once at the VFW. How long is a schizophrenic?

I'm trying to dance around the... Joey Dick is classic schizophrenic. Does he think you're schizophrenic? No, no, no. And I just don't know what's happening. Are you high right now? No, I don't know what's happening. This is nuts. This is stolen Hindi. He randomly said schizophrenic.

Imagine. But now you think he's accusing people. That's what a schizophrenic does. There it is. A schizophrenic will accuse you of being crazy because they're out of their fucking gourd. Oh, I've never accused anybody of being crazy. Here's what I'll say.

An angry drunk is like the bottom of the pyramid, right? They say some wild shit because their frontal lobe is deteriorating like Swiss cheese. Heavy crackhead is next because they've lost more of their frontal lobe. They say some wild shit because they're fucking drugged out. Okay, so now it's going like this?

Yeah, now we're going like this. Oh, what are you talking about? That's the important part. It's back here. I'm talking to you. It's important. That's why it's flying all the way back here. This is the faux hawk of mental stability.

And then after crackheads, you go bipolar. Bipolar, they take medication to level themselves up. You think bipolars are worse than crackheads? No. Yeah, because you said that. Well, because you can't. He goes, well, he goes, you just said that. It's genetic.

You can't do it on the crack. Ah, okay. You're right. And it's not self-induced. It's a problem because it's genetic and, you know, it just happens to you. And you spin out of control and you never know when your ups and downs are. Sure. Schizophrenia is so much more dangerous

because you don't even know that you're out of your mind you're just living on a different planet and they're dangerous people schizophrenia is characterized by thoughts or experiences that seem out of touch with reality they're not a real feature you describe it like a type of animal that'll come at you. It's just a little bit like it will come at you. It is waking a bear up. It'll bear up from fucking winter slumber. And they don't know pain, I imagine, outside of like...

I think that leap is regular. That's not a chunk that is ridiculous. Yeah. Happy New Year, everybody. Look, if you're struggling with any of these, if your head's out of your pocket, if your head's out of your pocket, do not feel pain.

Don't kill yourself. I just want to say, for the record, that with medication, psychotherapy, and coordinated specialty care, who's got that? Who's got money for that? You know how much money it cost me to get my face medication?

To get rich? 200 hours. You take Skintox? What do you mean face medicine? I had a rash, Scott. Shut the fuck up. A rash? You're a drunk.

Yeah. You get drunk. Look, I'm bipolar. Yeah, all my best friends' faces got red at your age. Listen, something else has happened? your age. You think something else has happened? Well, we're checking everything else off the list. I didn't get to the top of the pyramid.

Yeah, I like that. You're like, trying to touch my toes on the top of the pyramid. Yeah. I'm just taking a shit down one side. You're throwing a lot at your side. I'm throwing a lot on the other side. I'm throwing a lot on the other side.

Yeah, the backside of the pyramid is covered in tongue. Puking down the front, shitting the back. No, it's a problem. It's a problem. No, no, this is true. This is documented proof. they can't document it

proof me let me tell you to know what your documented proof is i'm gonna tell you from some crazy no i read an article 15 years ago i remembered three lines and one of them was true schizos that are out of their fucking skull their family can't take care of them anymore that's not an article that's like like a Nicholson movie no it's a conversation I had with my mom about my brother you don't know how proof yeah the article was a

super old hashtag when we were talking about my brother no they can't like you all those three things with that's like saying like with like fucking shock therapy you're gonna help someone that has, you know, the, what's the bomb thing. Yeah. There's no way they ever thought that.

Cause you go like, think about you, you go, you shock a brain. I don't know nothing about a brain. People from 1700 know more about a brain than I. Yeah. And I know you don't shock it to do anything. That seems like, it's like, ah like ah god let's just fucking hurt these people it's a power cycle it's like when you unplug the router

it's fucking with dogs basically oh they're putting wood clamps on the side of their head well they're like just electricity in the brain just flush it out you just have to have fun that's what's so fun it's like who's the most fun. That's what's so fun. He was back right then.

It's like, who's the most fun? Because that's who needs to be our doctor. No, Down syndrome is, they're having the most fun. When you talk about like

truly fucked up violent people that are dangerous to society, schizophrenics are probably the top. Who knows? Yeah.

Well, we have a colleague. I've always been told it's a man with nothing left to lose. That's what I was told. It's the most dangerous person, type of person. Well, that's... Dude, we know a person.

Can I talk about this? I won't say name. About a man with nothing left to lose. I shouldn't, right? Oh, buddy! I might know! Is it somebody within our industry? Buddy, if you want to call, uh... I'll never know.

If you want to call, like... I don't even know what I want. I'll never know. First off, it's not... Yeah, like... No, no, no. First off, I'm not in the fucking industry.

But if you're talking about who I think you're talking about, it's definitely not industry. It's like, are you talking about the guy we would get wings with? Kind of. That's pretty much everyone in the industry.

See? No, I think the difference is the industry is trying to fuck you when they get wings with you. True. There's always an ulterior motive. But this guy, I felt like when I saw him go wildly nuts, I was like, this is the type of dude, if he's got nothing to lose, might show up at a comedy club, take a few out. Yeah. Which I'd love if it wasn't me. You know, it's in the herd.

You know, more show dates. The guy's no longer here. What? Wait, he's no longer here? No, he's gone. He's gone, though. He's dead. Yeah, he's at the Top Top Pyramid.

Yeah, he's Heaven's Gate. Ooh, yeah. I think that was a cult. Wait, he's at Heaven's Gate? We just got there. I feel like cult is just bad. Well, this is the saddest story of all time. It is bad.

I don't want to... No, it's disrespectful. But somebody clearly had schizophrenia, which comes on out of nowhere in, like, your late 20s. It can. Oh, brother, did the dude make a post about it? Look,

he kind of went off his meds and he was, you know, I think that's the tough part. Y'all gonna make me off my meds. Where's the ghost? If I was schizophrenic... Yeah, he's from this area, right? Is it Gilbert Gilbert?

No. He hasn't been to Gilbert. He's no longer with us. Us being the Aflac franchise. He would

have took out all of Japan. He would have big boy bombed that whole country.

If I had schizophrenia, I would go off limits so often. course you know what i mean i mean you've got to be part of it your hand over fist eating your own you're not going to remember take a pill why don't they give like those people dogs that make sure they give them their pills yeah kill their dog are there pill dogs oh i'm you figure dogs do everything. I think, right? Make sure you just take pills.

You take a dog to the park as an owner? I think a dog does about 50% of what people can do. Really? About 50% of what people can do. You waited way too long to start drinking. And I'm not talking about brain capacity. I'm talking about just, like, things. No, no, no.

Not, like, things on, like, what's that app? Like, a dog can't sign up for an app and then go do TaskRabbit. It could. A few things, I think. Let's get back into the drink. Why did you wait so long to get into all the fun stuff? Because I was too much fun. Everybody would always accuse.

So that's the thing. People in comments, they go like, oh, Chaplin's on coke. Oh, Chaplin's on Adderon. I've never done that. I've been accused of doing drugs since I was 11. I clearly have something wrong with me. I don't know. I'm not going to fire anybody. It's your problem.

Why do you have to even comment on it? You have the personality of a guy that's always holding a boogie board. You're always up for fun. I realized in the pandemic, I was like, it went scrappy-doo. I went, oh no.

You're just acting like scrappy-doo. It's bad. So you're saying that I think it's right in the head. It's a lot, though. Yeah. Scrappy-doo, like, a lot of people say Scrappy-Doo ruins

Scooby-Doo. Yeah. They go, Scrappy-Doo, that sucked. Yeah. But I love Scrappy-Doo. Yeah, I like Scrappy-Doo, too. Yeah. Dude, a lot of puppy power in this boy, you know? Do you have to? You're fucking nuts. Shut up, Tommy.

What are you doing? I'm crazy. At least I'm crazy. When you get up in the morning, what is it like? Do you fire out of bed? Yeah. It is funny because I can't just get a puppy. I can't just get a puppy.

There you go. So for the last two weeks, I've been sleeping on the floor with a puppy. Okay, that's not normal. It is because it's not. That is not normal. Oh, there you go. So for the last two weeks, I've been sleeping on the floor with a puppy. Okay, that's not normal. It is because it's not. That is not normal. Here's why it is. Get a puppy in the bed. I know that's not normal.

No, it's a puppy. It pisses and shits. And so I want to be on top of it. So when it has to go to the bathroom, I'm there. And I'm a pretty heavy sleeper. And so I'm there with it. So you're this active awake and then you sleep because you wear yourself out no no i come home and i'm miserable how often do you see me never yeah i'm

i'm typically maybe it's your friend you're manic you're not schizophrenic you're mad i'm not manic you dick i guess here's why i know i'm not manic i get want to go out. I want to go out. You have high ups and high downs. But no. No. Do you battle depression? Yeah. You're bipolar. Shut up, Tommy.

I'm saying this as a friend. You're saying this as your mother saying this to you one time. Yeah, because I just spent five days with her for the holiday, and it was fucking hell. God, I forgot how... Mom, I love you. But no, I try to go out a lot and then like i get to the train or like i walk past my reflection and i'm like nope and then i just have to walk around the area really yeah yeah yeah i have like a pro yeah body dysmorphia i have body dysmorphia yeah wait

you don't like the way you finally got down oh dude this this they don't know why'd you do that there's a monster right here yeah it's really bothering really yeah yeah so there's a lot of that and i never really eat healthy and so with the body dysmorphia um you're in great shape though from what i No. Are the insides mayhem? It's all pudding and stuff. Yeah, I'm like a sugary boy. I'm like a piece of sugar. Like, it was... I ate a half-sleeve of Oreos last night in bed.

You know how people go, like, breastfed? They go, they argue, like, milk or breastfeeding? I don't know what they argue, but I'm sure they do, right? Breastfeeding or milk and pie? Yeah. Right? Your mom said, do you? Yeah, dude, I'm a fucking N, right? Breastfeeding or milk and pie. Your mom said you're you. Yeah, dude, I'm a fucking Nesquik kid.

I remember going to kindergarten or first grade and I threw up in the morning, you know, it was at 8 a.m. And I threw up and it was Doritos and Oreos because that's what I ate for breakfast that day. Oh, my God. So I'm just like, it's all very... Where's what I ate for breakfast that day. Oh my God. It's all very... Where are you from? Jersey. North Jersey. Oh, okay.

Kwan. That's the apartment of course. I assume that everyone from Jersey is full of Doritos. And pork roll. You got pork roll there? Taylor Ham. Yeah. You're a Taylor Ham guy. I'm not a Taylor Ham guy. It's just what we call it. I don't like that. You don't like that? No.

Because you're dumb. Because you can't argue about a real issue. So you have to go, the name of a thing. Get out of here. So upset I called you Amy. I want to cut that list. We're a Taylor pork roll family here. Are you a pork roll or Taylor Ham?

A pork roll. What is that? a pork roll or? Pork roll. What is that? And why has it not gotten to? That's the Philly. That's a Philly, South Jersey thing. What do you think? Because you guys. What is that?

It's a roll of pork. It's pork product. Like scrap. So why do you call it hand to hand? Talking about two dogs barking. No, only. No, only. no, wait, actually,

I'm in Jersey and Philly going like, why are you shooting a fence? No, because I don't see Tommy a lot. I don't see Tommy

a lot. And I remember seeing you at Scamfest South. Yeah. And there was something like, like my tail

must have been wagging. Of course. Like I saw you and I was like, oh, fuck, Tommy's here. And I like almost

had to piss a little. Like I'm kind of like psyched. Let's go outside and play like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm Chris, but I don't know Chris that well. No one's ever seen me walk in a room and be like, yes.

No, that's not true. No. Oh, dude, there was a night. There was a night Chappelle was at the stand, dude. And I didn't know he was going to be there. So I went to the fucking stand. And you were there. And I'm like, I am so glad you're here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I didn't find him anymore. And I was like, I'm just going Yeah, yeah. No one else around. Oh, why don't you have a connection with somebody? No, he's a joy. What are you? Oh, you're Irish. What are you exactly? You can't look.

Are you just Irish? Yeah, that's why I bring the rain. He's a boss. He's a boss. You are a fucking martian isn't he yeah the movie what lies in this

are you so you're only Irish uh yeah pretty much I think there's a little Polish in there yeah I only ever asked that question

I don't know I've been doing a little research I've been listening to my whole podcast. It may be recorded. And what are you, Tommy? I'm Italian, Irish, and German, I think.

Okay, cool. Yeah. That's fine. You feel like those things. And so, the Irish combo of all that. Philadelphia, New York, same hub. What happened with your Irish mother this Christmas? My Irish mother?

My mother's 100% Irish. Your mother? Oh, I thought he had an S at the end. Yeah, no, he's got mothers. I've had a couple, you understand? No, I just forget. You always forget it's like a Chinese finger trap.

You get in the house house you can't get the fuck out and every it's you just don't understand this is my mom i just was talking hold on real quick i was just talking about how i i my mother brought it up during christmas she's like tom my my sisters they can handle it student, I said this on a previous podcast, so she's a teacher, a nursing teacher for a college. And one of her rat students sent her a message saying, Tommy, is there another way to rephrase that? No.

Bitch or student. One of her rat students. She went out of her way to make my mother feel bad by saying that I talk shit on my family. On the podcast, yeah. She just, she knew that would, it's a psychological terror. She implanted a little bomb in my mom's skull. Yeah. So it bothered my mom.

You know this girl who said this? No. This girl listens to you? She clearly does. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, bitch. Yeah, I already said it.

Oh, you did? Okay. does. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, bitch. Yeah. I already said it. Oh, you did. Okay. You said it. So I was going to go after her. She brought it up again. The girl. No, my mom at the holiday. She's saying how like her sisters can take it just or she said, I can take it.

Just don't go after all my sisters. And I was like, yeah, I go after everybody. Everybody's getting some. Everybody's catching a hook. I don't give a fuck. That's what made me reason we're here. Yeah. Our bite with schizophrenics. You know what I mean? Trying to eat pizza and Oreos and fucking

Strapi-Doo. I'm trying to take my pack of Strapi-Doo's and forget about life for a while. I know. So she said it, and then I just see my dad. My dad is so beaten down by my mom's like oh they're still together that's cool yeah yeah well i mean they're in the same house they're not together really you know yeah you're not on the same page no you come up with a guy

they're in the same house different block they were so far apart i just I remember my dad going, I'll be like, Jesus Christ, what? And she's like, Steve! And he's like, son of a bitch. And then he goes up there and she says some monotonous, you know, nonsensical jargon about something that doesn't really matter. And then she does it every minute for,

you know, for three nights straight. Because I got landlocked. I couldn't rent a car. I'm getting a car this fucking year. And I can escape to go to Applebee's in fucking Westchester. PA. We got no money. So I'm just fucking, I couldn't believe it. Every day.

Soon as your eyes open. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom. Mom, I know where the fucking fridge is. I'll get something to eat. If I'm hungry. That's anxiety. We were talking about it.

Yes. Well, it's also. Well, she also had a Red Bull and five hour energy. Yeah. She sounds like a woman. She's great. Yeah, you're right.

I'm not. You're right. But they also, they can't talk to their husband. She sounds like a woman. Right. They've been badgering our fathers for 50 years. Yeah. So they don't, they don't, they don't talk to their husband. He sounds like a woman. Right. They've been badgering our fathers for 50 years.

Yeah. So they don't, they don't, they don't even listen. Yeah. My dad pretends he's going deaf. Yeah. And so,

then they assume that it's just like, that wasn't the right audience for this material. Yeah. Right. And then they start throwing it at you. Yeah.

And you don't want to be, you know, you haven't seen them in a while, so you don't want to be like, I don't want to hear about that. So you actually give them an audience. Of course. And then they don't even listen to what you're saying. They just keep following what they've

been up to. Exhausting energy. Sometimes I just go, is that boredom? Yeah, if you got nothing going on and then someone finally comes around you go like, holy shit, I got forks! Tommy, please look at them, man. You gotta hype up your forks. All you did this month was buy forks, dude. Tommy, please look at them, man. You got to hype up your forks. Yes. All you did this month was buy forks, dude.

Well, they just had 40 years of quarantine. You know what I mean? If you live in a household with, and my dad's downstairs acting like it's quarantine, smoking coffee. His whole life, right? His whole life. Yeah. Yeah.

That was my father after retirement. It was, and that's all I really knew. He retired when I was 12. And so I just knew like this guy who sat on a couch and flipped out at a television. Yeah. Yeah.

Who else are you going to yell at? You know, unless you're a schizo. Yeah. At a bus stop. And it's awesome. How many times have I winked at you so far?

Twice? Shut up, Tommy. No, because I know the cameras don't catch the wink maybe. Oh, they'll catch it. You know, our fucking producers and editors do. There's going to be a wink montage.

I feel like the reason you sit there is because that's how you look the best. You think you look the best. Oh, it's the opposite. All right, then let's fucking switch. Yeah. No, you do buy yourself a power chair. A what? Power chair. I don't like the depth. No, I'll switch with you. You can buy yourself a power chair. A what? Power chair.

I don't like the, the depth is good for regular life. Yeah, but the other couch was good for podcasting because it's, you're more upright.

Yeah, you're upright. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is, this is not good. You see the bottom

of my bitch tits and the front of my cover. I feel like he's with the can. You know what I mean? It's a problem. As soon as I saw you sitting in that,

I was just like, yeah, then I had to start sitting like a child. Like the way you sit on this. My feet don't touch the ground. Well, this is how our parents see it. What's the bill? Just two high chairs.

Mom, I'm hungry. This is hotter. I'm like, what are you going to cook, Ma? You don't cook. I'll figure the fuck out. I'll run outside and eat barf before I ask you to cook for me. This is my first Christmas not not with my mother like not seeing her and did she pass no no no no i just i went with the oh good to see her fam yeah and uh

i avoided telling her like forever i was trying to come up with like access you know like i was just gonna be like i'm actually sick i'm not doing well yeah because to tell her that i was choosing something over her, I felt so fucking bad. But that's your family now, too. Oh, yeah, absolutely. She has a daughter, so it's your family. That's exactly what I told my mom. She said, I understand.

And you know what that means. But really, your heart got that heavy? Yeah. Yeah, no way. Dude, that's also how I deal with every scheduling conflict, is I find out about it about six months ahead of time. Yeah. And then I ride it. 24 hours before.

And I go, I can't go to the wedding. You're handing me the ring, pal. That's when you call the dog. Oh dude i got into a dog shit all that yeah yeah i didn't go to my best friend's bachelor party because you know i just no i wanted to roll for that shit how old are you 32 you look young you got baby face there it is getting uh you should be confident getting old, you know. Yeah, that's where you first start to notice a little bit of a decline

at 32, but then you kind of stay in that zone for a while. You're in your best years, man. Yeah, yeah. 32 to 36. You've been an Adonis. I'm 65. I know, you're something like that, right? It's been great. But yeah, I mean, you're like a...

He's a great looking guy. You're a great looking guy. You're a great looking guy. What's he doing? Yeah, yeah. Let's fuck. Yo, sign up for the Patreon. You'll see all four of us

fucking unloading each other's buttholes. Just cranking them out. When's the last time you just emptied into a butthole? I've never emptied into a butthole. Ever once. That seems like crazy rude. Oh, 48 hours. 48 hours?

You came in and asked? And then what do you do? That seems like an absolute emergency. You have to like pick her up and shake her? You take her older and shake her? There's a drink you haven't had today. What, cum out of an asshole? What are you talking about?

Guys, we should start over. I did not. I was just making a joke about the holidays. When your mother's cooking. Tom's got a lie head to it. Yeah.

No, it was fun. It was fun. I got to see my niece's nephew and my brother and his wife yeah

I got to see everybody too it was nice but I do everybody talks about it like yeah yeah you know once a year

don't wait daddy yeah once a year and then you get home and you feel like you know you just got done fucking

a playoff run yeah you're so exhausted mentally physically emotionally all of it you just need to fucking just lay in a coffin you ever been so like so tired he's like you like there should be a hospital outpatient program where they just put you to sleep for a couple days rich people kind of have that right i mean that's what michael jackson of doing. Yeah, rich people do have that. They definitely figured that out by now. They're all doing it right.

Poor Michael. Yeah. They were like two weeks away from all figuring out. I just heard there's a pill that celebrities take to like not get fat. No shit. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to start happening. That's what I'm saying. It's like some pill, but it's expensive. You give it to anyone and they just won't be fat. Oh,. Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna start happening. That's what I'm saying. No, it's like some pill, but it's

like expensive. Like you give it to anyone and they just won't be fat. Oh, right. That's why rich people don't get cancer. Or AIDS. True. It's called money. Doesn't matter what it is. True. My only cancer is schizos. Someday you have to be

able to. Nah, you gotta thin the herd, dude. It it's a government conspiracy you gotta let them die off yeah cause what do you do usually when you wanna like save a group of people like you bring them all together to walk with you you can't bring a bunch of schizos together to do a walk

the highest powers are war is essential they create falsehoods to go to war so they can kill off millions of people. I hate this take, actually. Dude, the farts alone, without killing all those people in World War II,

just the toots, the gas emissions coming out of your ass, change the ozone layer. You've got to kill off millions of people. It's the only way to get anything done. It's the only way to get anything done. You know what I mean? It's the only way

to bring people together. Yeah. Yeah. You're losing, like, we had Nationalism? We had World War II and then we had,

like, there was like a solid 20 or 30 years where we fucking went to the moon, we did all this cool shit, and then we lost it.

I know even that shit was a bit ass, right? That was a bit ass. You know, like, landing on the moon is, it feels like collecting Hestrux, you know? Why did we give a fuck?

That's nothing. Rich kids did have Hestrux. My uncle would always bring me a Hestrux. That's like big money. Thank you so much. Oh my god. And you flip the lights on with me, you're like, the light's big money. It's not.

That's the problem. We were told it's big money. It's a gas station. My dad, get money to do it my dad you know my dad passed away he's the one he's the single is the number one gift of deadbeat wait it's right dude my uncle would always i have two garbage bags full of hash trucks and my mother's at it dude and i actually edit that because people in my neighborhood will fucking rob her you know because they all think it's worth money, too. They're all filled with Slim Jim.

Yeah, so you think, like, Pokemon, holographic Pokemon cards are actually worth millions of dollars. Yeah. Yeah. The only way they... Come from the dumbest types of... Do you, like, you don't understand, like, how to make money, right? You guys don't know how to do that. It's nuts.

Once people try to talk about, like money with me everybody i know who's ever made money it was all a fluke it was all an accident or they got hit by a fucking car or something yeah it's not the actual joy dude i read a i read a tweet today about perspective and they were like, everything should be perspective in 2023. For example, they said, if you were born in 1900. Yeah. Here's the following things you had to endure. Yeah.

And it went through, you know, World War One at a certain age, the Great Depression. Yeah. World War Two, like four years later after that. And then I don't know. Don't fucking dildos getting these wrong. They're wrong., and then, I don't know, don't fucking do dildos. Get these wrong. They're wrong. No, I need you to at least guess around the time. That'll be fun.

No, no, no. So start over and guess around the time. Hell no. Okay, so he was born in 1900, and then World War I was what year? When he was 16. Right? Yeah, he was 16. Right?

Yeah, he was born in 1900. What year was that? 1916. Hell yeah. After that was the Great Depression. But dude, between World War I

and the Great Depression, they were ripping. They were pretty good. Yeah, but he's 16 and probably fighting for his country if he survives. Yeah.

Yeah, but they were so hyped on that shit. No, they weren't, right? After World War I, you got the Great Depression. If you survived that, after that was World War II. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So now you're, what, 35-ish?

Yeah. After that, you're the best. You get to, like, He started saying it like he started saying it like he thought of it and he's like wait it was a tweet I read

I'm trying to remember the tweet you think I'm remembering high school fuck things and then he gets I don't know wait do you go Korean yeah go Korean

yeah then it's like Korean War and the fucking nobody cares about that and then you see a guy in a Korean war hat and you go

excuse me sir I'm in a rush can I cut you out of the telly you a guy in a Korean war hat, you go, excuse me, sir, I'm in a rush. Can I cut you? You say that's a Korean war hat. I don't think it was even mentioned in the tweet. It's a Korean conflict. It's a Korean conflict. It's not even a war, right? It was a tizzy. I think they wanted to call it a Korean tizzy.

And they said, let's not. You are. Let's not call it a Korean tizzy. And they got Vietnam let's not. You know what I mean? Let's not call it a Korean tizzy. And they got Vietnam. And that lasted for... Oh! I'm forgetting the great flu. The great flu! Oh, that's it.

It killed like 20 million people. Yeah. If you survive all that. And then you get to Vietnam. And then you're like, what, 75? by the time that ends yeah 75 80 years old yeah you know you start going boy the way glenn miller play come on i don't know the words Guys like us in the academy. And you're a really hot sitter at disco.

Yeah, yeah. And you can't do the cocaine or fuck anything because your dick doesn't work. And the girl you... It also is probably very alarming to you, right? If you've been through like World War I and then like Studio 54 happens. Yeah.

I don't think that makes your dick hard. Yeah, the guy's like, I've been through 54 years of hell. I'm not going to your studio, you fucking pussy. Yeah, yeah. He's like, there are a bunch

of goddamn citizens. Are there any Koreans in there? Tell me there's no Koreans. I'm just holding two potatoes from right to right. 50 more, 54 Koreans. Dude, I heard that was

like a big thing in like the UK, like a bunch of the kids whose dads fought in like World War I and shit that thought they were like the fucking best. They all got into like punk rock and got like Nazi tattoos and shit because they were just like, fuck you.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like they beat the Nazis. You have to be like, hey, piss me. Don't tell me what to do, Dad. I'm going out with my friends. You little tiny little rat. Dude.

Just shooting those shitty Nazi guns. Yeah, just my friends. You little tiny Hitler. My man. It's the scene. I'm just shooting those shitty Nazi guns. Yeah, just, you know, think about that. Well, think about this. You're born in 1900 and then you go to World War I. There's planes then, right?

And bombs. And that's probably the first time they saw that. It's shitty. Yeah. So you're like on Mars. Yeah. Oh, totally.

It's like, you know, like I've said this before, like when the natives are coming on the boat and people say, oh, we didn't understand that. Like the natives, no, when we were coming on the boat natives were like, what the fuck is that? I didn't understand it. That's why the fucking

shell shock of World War I was like fucking crazy. Yeah, because if you're from Kentucky Dude, yeah, they were drawing guys from, like, you didn't even have, you had one clock in your town it was like a one clock yeah and they go hey how was the war and they were like it was the year 50,000

yeah yeah you saw the dumbest thing you can tell us yeah got mailed once a day and then they were like here's a watch here's a machine gun bombs gas rags lying on your friends.

It's just like, what the fuck is happening? Jesus. Get on a train. Yeah, that's drugs, man. That is drugs. Yeah. Yeah, dude, that scene from All Quiet on the Western Front, I think they're basically seeing tanks for the first time.

Yeah. You know, tanks were like new. Yeah. Yeah, they're like, what the fuck is that? Well, even the ships are Yugo's. Shooting World War II. Yeah, but then, you know. Yeah, yeah.

Then you think about, like, when a dog sees a car for the first time, and they don't really flip the fuck out. They get used to it. I would assume it would be another animal, you know? Yeah. But if it's not a squirrel, I'm thinking, like, I'm thinking a truck is a dragon, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it's just a big animal moving really that's what i'm saying i would assume it can eat me yeah the car started stabbing all the dogs the dogs would start bucking out the dogs aren't speaking german that's why dogs are the terminators yeah Yeah. Is that what we're called on now? They're early Terminators. Wait, what are we calling Terminators? Like, Zumba or Zumba? Zumba's suck, man. Because Zumba's, you can't even walk up to your mom's house anymore and go, Jesus Christ. Like, you can't even prepare yourself as you're walking through the door.

She goes, I heard you. You know. A Zumba bell? That's what they're called? Oh, yeah. Think about that. Imagine how much, there's no way you can sneak call? Oh, yeah, think about that. Imagine how much, there's no way

you can sneak out. No, you can't do shit. Also, like, ruin small town gossip for people. If you go on,

like, your hometown's whatever, local, you know, they have apps where everybody talks shit about each other, you'll,

they'll post their Zoom bells of like, this person did this in my front yard. Yeah. And so you can't, you know, people walk around neighborhoods and they go, this fucking

guy's place, you know, and you go, oh, I'd like a thing like that. And you go, I heard he fucked his cat, you know, but they don't even get to have small town gossip anymore. I just sent you a video this morning of a fat lady fall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true, there is an upset. Oh, there's massive upsets.

Fat ladies fall down their front stoop. She's trying to pick up one small package. It's a straight up. Finding a meaty woman falling haphazardly off like three steps is the funniest fucking thing. Dude, I wheeze. Brother, you ever see the woman, the fat woman, trying to video her friend proposing to her other friend? Oh, she gets him with a wave or something? No, she's just... Oh, falls.

Yeah, she falls and then she continues to fall and continues to... Man, I cry. That was a middle school actor, man. It's like the sea otter jumping off the cliffs on fucking Netflix. The walruses? Yeah, the walruses. I remember we had like a spa party night when I was in middle school

where it was like the spa in my town. It's like the spa in my town. It's like, the sea otters and the walrus mellons in the same fat body. The sea otters are like a tiny,

nimble animal. No, they're not nimble. Yeah, they're in water. The sea otters are in water. Oh, in water. See how our heavy people, heavy people are fucking cute.

Dude. Just period. I think heavy people are like my best friend, my best friend's brother growing up. No, heavy women are fucking adorable. It's true. Their faces are are like heavy women have beautiful faces often yeah it's

like a sharp head no i don't like sharp heads they have like they all they all have kind of disney faces you know there's like those those angelic eyes just like fat is happening yeah well they just look like babies yeah Yeah. They have fat baby weight. Yeah, maybe it's a baby thing. It's a baby thing. I don't like that you brought babies into it, though. Well, it's true. It's true.

Yeah, but I'm thinking about also being attracted to these women. They're built like eight-month-year-old babies. Jesus Christ. Freeman! Freeman! You've got a chubby face. You do stay younger for longer. I'll tell you what.

An aquatic big man is something to behold. Brother, a big man who could do a cartwheel? Do you ever see Shane underwater? Oh, yeah. Remarkable. Shane looks like he could do a flip into a pool. Dude. I love a bigger man who could flip into a pool.

He's fucking nimble. This kid I grew up with, my best friend, his brother, we played something called pool ball. It was an above ground pool. We put little tight nets on both sides. It got physical as fuck. This kid, he was an honor underneath, but he was a giant, giant boy.

Yeah. But holy fuck, this kid would just come up. He would kick off the wall and like flutter once or twice and it was like he had flippers on and just you could see him on the night in the lights under underwater and then he would come up with the ball and the water flowing off of his face in one motion jump shot wet netstoppable. No one can stop them. Yeah. It's like,

have you ever seen a hippo swim? Yes. It's amazing. Even a manatee running underwater gets a moment. Yeah, yeah. We got powerful tails. Did we cover all the fat

underwater animals? We left out whales. They're boring. It's true. They're boring. Because the true. They're boring. Because the whales are shit. A hippo is more interesting because it's not built to swim, really. Well, whales don't.

They're not. They didn't actually. Sorry. They didn't evolve through predation. They can just go slow. No one's fucking hunting them. They didn't have to develop a speed. Well, I also think it's like the ignorance of us.

I also don't know if that's true. didn't have to develop a speed well i also think it's like the ignorance of us thinking that like fish like like people like oh whales suck but like we were talking about things that are kind of cute you know yeah yeah um and whales look like whales look like you know a toothbrush you gotta throw out yeah fuck on whales bro what are you gonna say whales? We're looking like a mother mugging. Yeah, because things just chew on them and they can't kill them. Yeah, they can't do nothing because they've got no hands. Can't do shit. It's crazy.

It really is hands. To not have hands. I say that all the time because I worked at a slaughterhouse, right? Wait, what? Yeah, I worked at a slaughterhouse for years. I never killed an animal. I was like a janitor. This is a Nazi thing going on. I never killed an animal. I was like a janitor. This is a Nazi thing going on.

I swear to hell, shit. I was like a janitor. I didn't know that Nazis said they were janitors. That was their number one excuse. That was their excuse. Their number one excuse. Anyway. You don't show us moms.

I was like a janitor. They're like, I have the keys because so you worked at a slaughterhouse yes and I think you realize and I like it was goats and stuff you know it was a lot of like it was mostly for Muslims and shit so it was like goats and sheep and

and I really I shouldn't eat meat I don't want. I don't want to. I don't want to try not to. Is it a Muslim slaughterhouse? Yeah, I guess if that's what you want to call it. Don't they have to bless it? Well, yeah. So it's like, you know, it's not owned by Muslims,

but that was just the majority of the customers. So we like never had pigs on the property and stuff. Like very rarely cows. And it's not to be prepared by a certain like process like did you uh yeah yeah yeah yeah so they would figure that out you know yeah it's like yeah they kind of like you put your cretin cat in christian hands on it take any like ceremony and mass produce it yeah you know you just wet it with fake water yeah yeah as they go by yeah but i'd feed

them and you go like i hate that they were dying but you look at them and you go like, I hate that they were dying, but you look at them and you go like, all these things, they got like flies in their nose and they can't pick them out. Yeah. Because they don't need your hands. And you go like, you see like a baby goat and they're the cutest thing in the world. And then you see an adult

goat and it's like their eyes want to fly out of their head. And you see my nephew and then you see my dad. And there's bugs inside their fucking nose and they can't pick them out. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, how an animal even survives like those footage from like the Serengeti when they're just like getting swarmed by flies and they're like hitting them with their ears.

Dude, I know. Jesus Christ. Every time I pick my nose I think God. Move. Constant mayhem. Yeah. What?

Like. Big fan. This is why the Eskimos stay up north wait why so they're just getting away from the flies

true yeah they got no idea what flies are like yeah I say that but then it's cold as fuck

and there's a fly in your apartment and you're like wait what is anything what is reality like the other

day police like there was a she said something about flies and she's like, it's not mating season for flies. There's no fucking mating season for flies. As soon as the weather breaks for like two days. They live for like 48 hours or some shit.

Isn't that fly propaganda, if you think? We just say that so we don't feel bad killing them. They only have 48 hours, but they could live to seven years. Dude, could you imagine? Hey, I'm doing Tommy. There's too many flies. Dude, this kid's a wad.

Is there any animal that just fucking wrecks flies? I've never seen footage of something just absolutely decimated. Frogs love fucking flies. Yeah, but they only see them one at a time. Frogs? Do you say frogs? What do you expect from a frog, my man? I'm just saying.

I want the equivalent of like a fucking whale. Yeah, long and old. More like only fly. Like a bird version of like a group of flying through packs of flies and just swallowing up. You know what I mean? Yes. That's what I want to see. Just eating like krill.

I agree. Don't you think? Yeah. Don't sit on this chair. Get on the fucking level. Why does that exist? Because flies are isolated creatures. What does that mean?

What do you mean? Flies are swarms. They're not fucking bed bugs. You find one fly, they're everywhere. No, but flies are swarms they're not fucking bed bugs you find one fly they're everywhere no but flies are always fucking and stuff they don't hang around you ever hear that

every time a fly lands it throws up I think it's just covered in shit is that true I don't think that's true I think so no I've seen flies

it's just like it's just like it's just covered in shit there's like shit all over his apartment. It's flies. Yeah, I know. I got flies. Flies.

You get everywhere. You get shit everywhere. Just fucking fly problems. Roman vomitory. We got to read this. Yeah, read this. Oh, we got to read an ad? Who do we do ads for?

We do an ad for sheath. Sheath? That's underwear. ad for sheath sheath that's underwear that sheath is underwear oh you can put your dick in the hole the hole and you can put your nookies in a little satchel

it's great I've done it I've done it yeah pecker in the hole nookies in a satch it buys you an extra

like 20 or 30 minutes of no stink oh my god alright guys that's crazy my favorite sponsor of all time. Ew.

Why would you say that? They got to reword that. They worded it that way? No, that's just fucking wrong. You said that. That's not on the script. That's 100% on the script. Let me see.

And what is on the script? Let me see it. 20 minutes? Let me see it right now. Sheath makes the most comfortable oxygen brace of everyone in my life. I do not wear anything else. Every time you hear my voice, every time you see my face,

just know that I am in a wonderfully comfortable pair of sheath. Oh, my God. Show us. Show us. Show us your underwear. You think I'm making this up as I go? No. I think you're a fraud.

Show us your underwear. Frenchie fabric is made out of a moisture-wicking technology. They are super soft. They keep everything cool and comfortable in the right place. Oh, it's not the, you know? he lying no no uh sheath is particularly useful for staying cool if you're working out or if you're in a hot environment but you know what i like even cold environments as well brother i get it i used to be a guy just went and bought a stick of plastic. Jesus Lord. I didn't think about it at all until she sent me

a pair of hair underwear. I put it on and I was like, I can never go back. Wow. Yeah. I particularly love the dual pot pouches. They keep your man card separated and it's a game changer. If you're a little bit skeptical as I was. Yeah. For those of us that have two dicks do you know anyone with a weird hole in their dick anyone do you meet

someone who's got a hole on the top of their dick at the bottom of their dick that's part of the copy i'd say give it a try even if you don't want to use the dual pouches. You don't have to. You can just wear them like a regular pair of boxing briefs, and they'll be the most comfortable underwear you've ever put on your body. They also have materials like bamboo and mesh for even more cool and comfort. They have bamboo shirts and hoodies for the wintertime. Go to sheathunderwear.com and get the most comfortable underwear you'll ever wear.

And if you use the promo code STUFFISLAND, you also get 20% off your entire order. That's sheathunderwear.com, you get the most comfortable underwear you'll ever wear. And if you use the promo code StuffIsland, you also get 20% off your entire order. That's SheathUnderwear.com, promo code StuffIsland for 20% off your entire order. All of that was real. Sheath Underwear. Yeah. Do you wear sheath? I think I have. Yeah.

Yeah, I have. I have. We, I have. I got a free pair at Skatefest. That's what it was. I got a free pair at Skatefest. I think the biggest sell of an underwear like sheaths, specifically an only sheath is

women will go, oh, you care about your underwear. Just stop buying underwear from a store. Yeah. Yeah. J Maxx, get it sent to you and it's, you know, it's Marshalls. Yeah, not many people are concerned. No, I know and I do. I do as well.

But I'm saying if you want to impress people, you get them off sheath. Yeah, women like sexy underwear. Yes. Right? In high school, I used to have silk boxers. Yeah. Still one of the most embarrassing

moments of my life. I used to have them too. I used to get like holiday fucking silk boxers as if it was like Valentine's Day and you're just like a little flues bag trying to get knocked around by a mailman. It's nice. I put on shiny green silk and I'm like, I'm getting lucky tonight. And they're all like bunched up in your fucking jeans.

I know. Right in your ass. I know. It's terribly uncomfortable. But it did make dry humping a million times better. Baby. If you like dry humping, get yourself some sheets underwear. Dude, I still have a zipper scar from dry humping in the fucking 90s.

And you had your silk panties on. I rocked, dude. And I put a fucking, I put a turn on it too.umping in the fucking 90s. I rocked. I put a turn on it too. It was like, you know, oval shape. Like a cocktail. Hell yeah, man. I put a little wave on that.

Silk underwear and mesh shorts. Mesh shorts and silk underwear and dry humping was probably the best sex I've ever had. Dry humping was God. Probably the best sex I've ever had. Dry humping in a backyard in the summertime

is the I miss it so much. Man. She's got some sweat she knows what's up. That's like lingerie for men. Even back then

I don't think I'm talking about being you know I was young dry humping. I'm saying high school dude if you walk out of a room and you change in the sweats, she may as well come out in a negligee.

I never did that. I used to get boners real quick. Me too. Yeah, so I was always... Still do. No, I prefer... I want to wear leather pants. Because it fits my boner when it puts out, you know?

A little chassis belt for Catholic school. Yeah, I wore like a chef's thing. My boner wouldn't push out, you know? A little chassis belt for Catholic school. Yeah, I wore like a chef's thing. I just walked around class. You went to all-boy Catholic school for 12 years. Did you seriously? Ranking a boner up above your belt, doing a belt tuck. Wow.

In a middle history class, you know, staring at your hot friends. Raised by wolves. These, like an all-boy Catholic schoolboy. You're all like wolf dudes. You all just believe in the lives and the unity of fucking up together. You're just so consistently doing it, it becomes normal soon.

You don't believe it. You just got to be Charlie Brown. Your first girlfriend sets the tone. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh, I want to hear this. I think, I think if you have a very sexual high school or middle school girlfriend, it

destroys you. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And then your brain gets like, it's, there's, you just get the, the die gets cast. You just get stuck as just a horny middle school fuck.

Yes. I love this theory. And then you're just, you have to live like that. Yeah, and then you're poking holes in drywall on an interstate

and Roy Rogers trying to get fucking sucked off. Yeah, trying to remember A3. Trying to recreate the context.

The real problem. They're not doing great out here. They're doing better than we are. No, they're all dead. All my first girlfriends. Dead. No, they're... One was a schizo, jumped in front of a train. The other one, oxied out.

Sounds like you're murdering women. I wonder if they felt that way about you. Yeah, they think I'm dead? What? No, no, not dead. They had like a too sexual young middle school boyfriend. Yeah, a little hairy wop with too much cologne. Silk boxing, making their

vagina. And now they're stuck. They were stuck like that. Yeah. If you're a woman in that situation. Yeah, they're like, They were stuck like that. Yeah. Like if you're a woman in that situation. Yeah. They're like, why don't you fuck me anymore, Pat?

And he's like, we just had sex. She's like, fuck me again. She's jamming remotes in her face. Yeah. God.

And then it's the only option to jump in front of the train. You have to. Yeah. Yeah. You have to. It's the closest thing

to Tommy's gig. Is the train coming, though? Ironically. That's what I say every time i fuck the trains are coming yeah yeah i guys happy holidays

happy new year do you give a shit this time i do you do yeah whoa because you learned how to smoke do drugs, drink. What? Look, I'm off the Red Bull and I'm calm now.

That was all Red Bull. People need to stop blaming drugs and blame the juices. Why would you do Red Bull and the five-hour? Because I had sleep last night. Because I just got a pup. Puppy. I'm half-long. So I did just get a puppy.

Because I didn't get any sleep last night how are you my girlfriend was like well why are you getting fucking sleep and i was like the puppy and this and that but it was there was a japanese wrestling press conference on and they have a different time than us you know already still what we're getting right now and i watched it and that went late uh and then i was so excited about it that I stayed up a little later. Because Wrestle Kingdom is tonight. So I'm going to stay up tonight, too. Wrestle Kingdom? Yeah, it's like Japanese WrestleMania.

And so it's just a weird, don't judge me, it's a weird, I have to try to stay up to watch it. It's like, it's my Super Bowl is this Japanese wrestling. Is it like a kink thing? Is it they're all women? You're jerking off? No, no, it's wrestling. If you're watching Japanese men, all five, four of them. Oh, yeah. And they

just jump around in tights. Yeah. And sheathed underwear. Yeah. It's unbelievable the way they do it, man. Dude, they cut to people in Japan after the matches and tears are running down their fucking faces. Yeah. Because it's so Because you're forced to watch from out in the end.

No, because in America, they tell the story like this and then they fight. But in Japan, they tell the story through the wrestling. And brother, I'm sitting there weeping every January 4th. You are out of your...

Every January 4th. Why do Japanese people still behave like girls at a Beatles concert in the 50s? You know what I mean? Yeah. Like anytime you see them in crowds, they're acting like they're not on television. Except for when they walk down the street, they act

like it's a day after a fucking celebration. Like, pick it up! Taking up the whole sidewalk walking slow like a balloon running out of fucking aliens. I just feel like they're hyped on everything. I kind of like it. They're like, you know... Yeah, yeah, but it's got... I like the I kind of like it. They're like, you know. Yeah, yeah, but it's kind of like the amount of pictures being taken.

They're never upset to get pictures. It's always like, whoa, whoa, hey, you know, hey. I know, what you can't do. Forgive young girls in the 50s who've never seen Elvis do what he was doing. Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, you've got media. You know what they don't talk about? They should do a documentary on all the

parents that beat the shit out of their daughters for crying when like the Beatles were on TV or hell. Because I know my mom told me that her and her sister like got the shit kicked out of them

because they filmed the Beatles going back to England after their first visit to America or whatever. And they were in the living room with their friends crying and then my grandmother came in the room

and was just like, are you fucking... It's like, that's your daughter doing OnlyFans. Yes, exactly. You're crying and then my grandmother came in the room just like are you fucking yes exactly you're crying yeah to rich but it's ringo you go yeah the ugliest man alive yeah get it together i would yeah they're good good grandma yeah that's a good grandma yeah it's like what do you if you're crying and dude about a dude you've never met on television you are fucked you're insane yeah but eight mile didn never met on television, you are fucked. You're an insane person.

Yeah, but 8 Mile didn't hit you in a way. Wasn't that your hard day's night kind of? 8 Mile fucking, I've never seen 8 Mile being like, we did it. We're like, we're getting the Oscar. It was everything, man. That was everything to me. Yeah, but you didn't cry about it. You didn't.

You cried about it. No. Hold on. Do you also, like, do you do, like, WWF? Whatever. I did as a child, you know. Yeah. I'm a man now, so I do New Japan programs.

Oh, cool. NJPW. Yeah. It's better. You're dead serious, right? Well, I don't have to catch up on it as often. Most of my, like, life waking up super early at like shitty day jobs at like four in the morning i like being stimulated while i'm driving you know so i get to watch some wrestling is it dub or sometimes sometimes

it's dub it depends on on the event so tonight they're gonna they'll be there live like english speakers uh doing comedy oh Oh, amazing comedy. It's very exciting. Because they treat it like real sport. The cameras, they follow the action. You know? This is all. It's like tight shots.

What do you mean? They don't have a watch on the ring. It just, it feels more legit, dude. And like, it's at the Tokyo Dome, Wrestle Kingdom. And so the way they film the wrestling, you go like, is this fucking Scorsese? You go like, God damn. If I knew other directors, I'd start naming them. Yeah, yeah. You go like is this fucking scorsese or you go like god damn if i knew other directors i'd start naming them but yeah yeah you go is this kubrick kurosawa but it's just japanese wrestling i would sooner watch a fish deteriorate on the rocks of an island

no way jose i i hate it so much wait pro wrestling I don't know it's so fucking dude I'll say this every time I go no no no just watch it with me I start going like

is he liking it no my brain starts like realizing how bad it is yeah I go like oh shit yeah yeah

it's athletic it's like yeah it's like finding out your baby's ugly or something you know like you go oh shit my kid's a loser god that's what it's like yeah it's like finding out your baby's ugly or something you know like you go oh shit

my kid's a loser god that's what it feels like loving wrestling is like yeah it's like I love my kid but it's you know

you know yeah it's tough sometimes when you show someone like an 80s comedy that's like young you're like yeah and you go

god damn it I'm such a dick shit I've been doing this for three months yeah the jokes the jokes are like there's like there's a story

but it's a little bit funny he's been trying to catch his 23 year old girlfriend up on yeah on 50 years of cinema yeah he's like no

you're gonna love this one it's called Brad they bike bikes in the woods I put on she's like I don't care yeah and you know

but she's kind of right though I put on chain pin and I was like like, I don't care. Yeah, and you know what? But she's kind of right, though. I put on chainpins, and I was like, this is one of the funniest movies of all time. It is very funny. It is so funny. It is very funny.

It's like saying Adam Sandler's movies were funny because we were kids. No, they are funny. They are funny. They are, but not too... The problem is,

when you start going, this is funny, people forget what funny is. And so they start thinking like with their brain, they start going, okay, let's analyze funny. And it's like, that's not how you do it. That's why you don't do it. What's funny is. And so they start thinking like with their brain, they start going, okay, let's analyze funny. And it's like,

that's not how you do it. That's why you don't do it. What's funny is it's like literally if I shit my pants right now on accident. Yeah. It'd be like the funniest thing that could happen. How do we do the first part of the year? How do we follow that?

It'd be like showing a kid. It'd be like showing a kid. Like you want to see an action movie. The good, the bad and the ugly. It's like, yeah, that's great. But it's a fucking bad, and the ugly. Yeah, that's crazy. It's good, but it's a fucking three and a half hour movie.

But then it's bad, and it's going to get ugly. Before you start watching her movies, you've got to go like, do you like vegetables? You've got to find out if she likes broccoli yet. You go classic. If she's down with kale and broccoli, she might like some, you know. It is true, yeah. You've got to go classics, and you've got to go drama. Yeah.

Because drama is through and through the most objective way to consume cinema. Right? So like comedy is so subjective. Yes. If you go, here's Platoon, watch Oliver Stone's depiction of Vietnam. It's historical and it's also going to shake you at your core. Even if you want to

blend the lines, I think Goodfellas is actually considered a comedy in ways. It's very funny. Give her drama. Give her drama classics. You can't go goofy bullshit, you know, like Airplane. She's going to be like, you're fucking corny shit. But they are great.

They're great. She's a race. Me and a buddy That's an acid trip. Yeah. Yeah. They're swinging, man. And so it's a blast.

You are all in a good mood. Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It's unbelievable. It's so funny. They're just running around trying to make fun. Yeah. Well, British comedy is superior to American comedy. We got to go. Scott, anything that you want to say?

We're going to another. We're going to the picture. Oh, yeah. Do another. You don't have to go if you pay $5 a month. $5 a month. Check out the rest of it. I've calmed down a little.

We'll flip-flop. We'll put the Patreon on the list. I almost fell asleep on the way over here. You're going to fall asleep in the second hour? And so I had to get a buddy, Red Bull. It was awesome. Do you have anything to plug? I have a podcast,

Out for Smokes, with Mike Racine and Sean McCarthy. You know, he just called me an hour ago. He killed them on accident. Every time I see his phone, the phone ring and it says Mike Racine.

Yeah, you go like, dude, he can't sleep here tonight. I'm not going to give you a warning about you, but every time he calls me, it's about food. It's the fucking most special thing that we have. That's nice.

He's like, I made a beef broth with bone, beef bone, and he's making a chili. And he says, it's too smoky. How do I get rid of it? Happened to be next to a chili champion. Shut the fuck up, Tom. The point is our only relationship. He called you today? Yes.

So can I work so i told him yesterday because we recorded i told him we're going we're going on this he's uh yeah he's autistic like chris he's something you're autistic yeah no dude i think you're joy i'm i'm i'm reality testing right now i think i, I mean, I'm testing my reality. All right. Well, let's see how reality's over on the Patreon. We're going to put our hoodies on

and test our reality and get clothes that I own. We're on the Patreon. You're not autistic. See, now I'm testing my reality. You're not autistic. No,

I was just saying that I think, I think like, I think if I'm boozing a lot and I'm hungover, I get real stiff and glazed over eyes. Oh, man. I get it.

Yeah. So if I'm doing that a lot. It's not your look. It's your behavior. No, I know. I know. I know. But I think if I'm trying to see if I'm sober for longer, that I'm a little more life in

the eyes, a little more life in the attitude, a little bit more upbeat. Of course. She will stop thinking I'm so autistic. I'm a little weird. I'm a little weird.