Stuff Island - Stuff Island #63 - butter w/ Luke Touma

Episode Date: January 18, 2023

Stuff Island #63 - butter w/ Luke Touma - Full episodes also available on Apple/Spotify/etc. & bonus episodes are available on our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/stuffisland - Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch.. Each week they'll talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish & twice a month they live stream VR Golf and Onward with fans. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Thank you, and God bless Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Doing that. As soon as my dad learned how to use a cell phone, he would do this every time you try and talk to him. He'd be like, hold on, I gotta get this. And I would laugh. Every time. Oh my god. For two minutes straight. Hold on, give me a second.

Hello? Yeah, no, no. And he would just walk out of the room. I'm like, that is a true pop-pop. I remember the first time I saw my dad hit me with this thing. Oh, dude. Blew my mind. The disappearing thumb?

I was like a black kid, dude. I was like running around. Oh, shit! Motherfucker ain't got no dough! He don't do the store! He ain't got no dough! He don't do the street-o! For me? For this? For who? For what? Motherfucker ain't got no dough!

Dude, he did it tight too. He had a... and he would make this... He would make the clicks out? Yeah, my dad would do something. So he'd fire up like here and he'd go... My dad would put some effort into it too. I would have to be like five going... That looks pretty good immediately start

crying i don't even know how to do that you're still baffled yeah yeah that was me my thumbs my thumb i don't think i got a good thumb to fake people out with there's something about my joint it doesn't quite line up yeah yeah it doesn't look good you've been barking about this for a while how you're like my hands yeah you bitch about your body a lot you got a nice body chris i know it doesn't doesn't you got dysmorphia what you're like a no i don't have a hot la i just well i just wish i i was thinking about taking dance classes what i was thinking i've been thinking about taking hip-hop dance class oh my god like twerking yeah well i don't know i've been thinking about taking hip hop dance classes. Oh my God. Like twerking?

Well, I don't know. Something more like dynamic than that. Twerking I can do. Twerking I have down. But I'm talking about, yeah, something. Yeah. I just got to get. I don't get it.

Yeah. You're very rigid when you dance. Yeah. I need to expand. You have movement. You were saying this. Yeah. Yeah. We were talking about lifting and he just goes, I just got to get more mobile.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do. I do. I got to loosen up. I feel like it'll translate to the stage if I took some hip hop. Dance classes. Stop doing this.

You know if they like some old Def Jam guy? Tommy Davidson. You ever been fucking a stool like this? And then do it like this? Yeah. Start every one of my that's you're the best

yeah an O'Connor stool fucking bit would be really incredible that would be great too it wouldn't be fucking it would be complete rape someone would pull a fire alarm you don't think I would fuck it gently I think you'd fuck it gently?

I think you'd fuck it very often. I think we're assuming you got more movement, but I picture you being very stiff, legs straight. I think what you think is gentle and smooth is probably very rigid. Now, I know when things are smooth and when they're rigid. Yeah.

Yeah. But I just, I'm powerless to stop it. You know what I mean? Or control. Yeah. I'm just, I think I'm also just, I don't know.

I'm not used to moving in a fluid kind of way, but I think I can. Yeah. I think you can too. Yeah. I think I have the athletic ability to do it. I can't like, you got to hit you.

But I just never do it. So it's, you know, I, I haven't, I don't feel comfortable getting down like that you don't dance on your own no I'm not a lunatic

that's why you can't dance that's the guy who's gonna sign up for it as he pulls the rope like it's a last breath of air he's like I'm not crazy my lunatic he's spitting venom out of his face. Some Chinese fucking.

I fucking. I hope this audio is good. If this audio is shitty. You didn't test. What? I tested it. I tested it. We got a new soundboard.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's big, dude. Dude. There we go. It's big. We got a new sound thing.

Yeah. And I needed, I I needed a special headphone jack to plug the headphones in. I went to Best Buy. When's the last time you were at Best Buy? I got a TV there a couple months ago. Oh, really?

It's a shithole. There's nothing in there. It looks like it was ransacked. It's crazy. It's post-Christ i mean all the animals fucking truly ransacked dude and they danced in there everyone who works there is a certified moron like yeah they are useless yeah i was like showing up a picture of this of the headphone jack and they were just like i don't know they were like i've never even seen that before yeah they're like they're 16 they would just like i don't know they were like i've never even seen that before yeah they're like is that a dildo can i put that in my hands first of all on the way to best buy best buy is five minutes not even from here i was gonna walk but i was like i was behind so i was

like whatever i'll take an uber the uber one block away just runs over a guy i'm in the car he runs over the guy's foot wait what are you serious yes yes yes yes this is so funny there was like there was like he wouldn't text me going hey my uber driver ran over this is a true professional he's like i'll save it for the car it was literally and then a guy just goes first of all that's the guy I guarantee you I guarantee you I guarantee you that dude if you look at that guy's past

he purposely did that and number two he worked at Best Buy at some point you're all looking to jump in front, he worked at Best Buy at some point. They're all looking to jump in front of a car. So Best Buy employees are like, I'm not going to fucking shit today. I mean, fuck. I'm working till 11. He seemed fine.

We pulled over. The Uber driver stopped. And then I sat in the car. My neck! My back! My neck and my back! It was a kid. It was like a 17-year-old kid. It was like, when you know those kids that just walk around in the street, you know what I mean?

Like someone's car pulls over and they just fucking stand in the middle of stuff. So like... It was not his fault. It was not his fault. He was hanging out in playgrounds. These guys walking around on their feet. Just talking to each other, doing nothing. Goddamn hanging out in playgrounds. You know these guys walking around on their feet and just talking to each other, doing nothing.

Goddamn kids out in the middle of the street. With their fucking feet in the way. Feet under the tires. Get out of here! Dude, when I was looking in the rear view mirror and I swear when he pulled his leg, I thought, like, we hit him so hard. I thought for sure his foot would just be swinging. He thought it was going to be like a long roasted wing mirror and i swear when he pulled his leg i thought i'd like we hit him so hard i thought

for sure his leg is yeah just be like a long roasted wing where the meat comes off the bone instead he had like a little bit of rug burn like on the back of his foot i was like how is that possible he's still gonna get money is it i made you guys exchange information via cop uh i bled i got out and called another uber yeah that's a great i i had to get my dumb ass locked up for like 10 years like i gotta get to my podcast i would have gone down with the shit dude me too i'd be like i'm right i'm right with you i would have canceled this podcast a heartbeat i'm like i'm with achman dude we gotta find out we're gonna find out if he was in i thought i yeah I was as

I was leaving I was like I guess I'm like a key witness to this crime you don't want to be that no I had a headphone jack to get and so I dude I kept I just bounced around Best Buy for a while this is an autistic crime

asking people asking people where she was and then I eventually just gave up. I went to Guitar Center, which is right around the corner. Also hellish. Just to sell yourself. Right next to Chuck E. Cheese. You had nothing to get at Guitar Center.

You just wanted to look at guitars. Then I went to the Lego shop. I went in there and I got like, I got the headphone jacks and then I was waiting in line. Like it was, it was like a weird line. It wasn't clear how the line was getting set up. So I, like, I let this person go in front of me and they just asked a, like a 45 minute question. You know what I mean? Yeah.

It's just like, can you look something up on a computer for an hour? And I, I literally, I, so I stole the headphone jacks. What? Yeah. I just walked out. I literally, so I stole the headphone jacks. Yeah, I just walked out. I was like, I'm not waiting in line for this. This is crazy. Yeah, I held them up, I held them up and I walked out. Yeah, that's two crimes. You were in the car

when the car ran over a guy's foot and you shoplifted from the car. Right now, And you shoplifted $100,000. Yeah. Right now. Right now. With good history, you're facing six to eight.

I got to find a new podcast. Luke, what are you doing the rest of your life? Dude. This guy's going to be locked away with fucking face tattoos. You would get ransacked by white supremacists. If you got locked up, dude, you're the first they grab. Because I stole a quarter inch adapter from my...acists if you got if you got locked up dude oh you're the first thing grabbed because i stole a quarter inch adapter you got weird thumbs yeah were you like when you shoplifted were you being sneaky about it were you just no no no no

i was so blatant about it so that if they stopped me, I'd be like, finally, some help. I'll pay. You know what I mean? The only way I thought I could actually get someone to fucking open up a register. That's amazing. You were trying to bait them into customer service. No, you don't. Just pick up a whole case of tomatoes and be like, whoa, now you want to pay attention to me. No, dude. Time is money.

And I started. and i have none i was i was sitting there being like my time is more valuable than these headphone jacks and guitar center owes me money now i'm standing here yeah waiting so wait the jacks are on the house yeah dude you could have walked out of there with like a fender strat they've got no they've got they've got no like scanners in there you know what i mean like there's no metal detector on the way in or the way out it's just like all right see ya yeah my uh my girl and i went to went bowling in Astoria last night. Bowl 360. Damn. This is a fucking... Nice.

Have you been there? No. That's a fucking... Don't do that. What? Don't brush over that score. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, 300 is the highest you can bowl.

It's called Bowl 360. I thought it was 400. No, no, it's 300. Oh. Also, I'm not ashamed of not knowing the highest bowling. That's actually a pride badge yeah dude my i was my girlfriend was she's literally the plot of kingpin tom's like i bowl 300s all the time people have both 16 frames i do have to get in the ball i'm sorry no but we do we gotta we got a lane you pay for at the

counter and then i was like oh we should get some beers and some food so i went up to the counter and i was like hey where uh do they send a waiter over did we just order at the bar she goes neither you order here at the counter where you get like the bowling shoes and shit and i was like okay so then i like went back to my girl i was like what do you want we figured it out and i went up there and i said uh can i get her uh a seltzer club soda and i'll take a pint of brooklyn lager and i swear to god the girl goes and then she just leans over the computer goes like this and i was like she's like she's figuring it out she goes what did you say brooklyn lager you want a picture i was like no a pint and she goes we don't have that i was like yeah you She goes, we only got the pictures or we have the pint.

We don't have the pint. And I was like, dude, I was like, no, I want the pint is a pint. She still didn't get that. She still didn't get it. She wasn't like, yeah. Okay. Oh, I was pronouncing it wrong. She's just like, looked at me confused.

And then she goes, what's the other thing you want? And I go, uh, there's club soda for my girl she's gonna dry january she goes yeah uh what's what i was like like a you know and then i saw she on the intercom she calls her manager over she goes what is this and she goes it's like a seltzer water and the girl's like still nothing and the manager just goes i'll do it we wait like 20 minutes and they bring over a picture of brook by the way i paid for the pint i checked the receipt i got i paid pin prices i i got a free i'm 100 calling it a pint from here on out there I have, like, dude, I'm hard up on, like, teenagers all the way through, like, young 20s should never be a bartender. Also, shouldn't be in charge of pints at a fucking bowling alley.

Dude, that's stupidity is not age-related, I don't think. The most, well, of course, she's, yeah, she's got water on the fucking skull, but it's not. My point is like, dude, in Delco, no joke. It's all old men behind the bar. Old grizzled fucking mess. Retired cops, firefighters, carpenters, guys that know what's, what a pint, how, how a pint is important to you. So you get to like this much left in a pint. It's coming back at you.

You already have a double. You got another one behind it. Yeah. They're filling it up at the exact spot every time. Yes. New York dog shit. You have a girl that is not talented, but she says she's a singer or actress. She doesn't drink.

She didn't drink in the woods. She didn't get knuckled behind a fucking galant behind a bowling alley. She doesn't know what socializing is right like a good bartender resume you do it's a mentality because i you i don't have to say words to you to get what i want yeah it's a fucking code right yeah it's like being in the trenches in war it's like you don't know until you fucking know and And if you don't know, get out of here. Go fucking fold shirts at Abercrombie and Finch. You got to know the lay of the land. Yeah.

Yeah. You got to pin over there. Get out of here. My fucking local Polish American club. You dumb little twat. Just because you can put eyeshadow on there. Oh, dude, she's got fucking knockers on her. They like putting this little Barbie doll back there because all the old men finally get movement

and they're burnt. It's like, I don't want a hottie behind the bar. I want a professional, a grizzled old professional that I would like to ball with one time and on his off days. No, hot girls should work almost no jobs. Yeah.

Yeah. Scooping ice cream's nice. Yeah. Like on a boardwalk, coming off the beach all hot and bothered. Yeah, you tell me a fat dude wouldn't scoop you a better cone though. It's true. He would.' ice cream's nice. Yeah. Like on a boardwalk, coming off the beach all hot and bothered. Yeah, you'd tell me a fat dude wouldn't scoop you a better cone, though. It's true. He would.

He'd give you more. Is that video of the guy pouring the butter on the popcorn? Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, he taught. He spun it. Yeah, yeah. He was like flipping the basket. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was amazing. It was amazing. Only a fat guy could care that much about popcorn. Yeah, he knows how to do it right. Yeah, no one ever looks at a box of popcorn and is like, how do I spice this up? Well, he knows how much it means to him. Yes.

Like when you get up at like 4.30 in the morning, you're parched. You can't like close your lips because you're so thirsty from your hangover. And you just go to that fucking water on the end table. He's got a whole bucket of buttered popcorn. And that's why he treats it with respect he's got a thing of Mike and X on the night stand he's got dude what if he had like a buttered hot lamp

American flag buttered hot lamp it's a lava lamp but it's just butter you can pick it up and squeeze out of it AMC lava lamp lamp but it's just butter. You can pick it up and squeeze out of it. AMC lava lamp. Fucking incredible. Dude, he did put too much butter in

that popcorn. Yeah. And it freaked me out a little bit. Yeah. Every time I've gotten that amount of butter, I wind up with grease all over my pants. I went on a date once and I had butter. Was it grease what yeah yeah i spilled it to cover the gym butter's one of those things i feel like you can just put more and more on it's just gonna

taste better and better yeah i don't know if there's a butter threshold there is a threshold you think so yeah when you when you start running a toilet paper i mean it's luke oil for your asshole it's an absolute threshold dude my the exterior of my asshole is like a sea otter skin like it's water repellent and it's from olive oil and butter it's a good thing it's a good thing for your skin too dude are you italian i'm italian yeah yeah sicilian yeah italian too that's extra italian yeah yeah it's extra butter it's extra butter at the fucking AMC, dude. You are extra butter.

That's what it looked like when your parents were fucking. His dad just spinning him like a top. I love how the color keeps changing. Oh, yeah. Fucking. It's got the Peloton cable attached to it because the other thing. Yeah, the lighting gets sexy. Like, yeah.

It depends on how good we're doing. It's probably him with a fucking, it's Owen with a button going. He gives us the hot lamp. What's the Italian area of Philly? Is there like a. Okay. Speaking of, I meant to say this with the running over the foot. Yeah. My oldest brother, Steve, was in my uncle's ice cream truck in South Philly,

and he ran over a kid. Okay. Dead? Kept going. Nobody knows. Yeah, I think you got to keep going. I think you got to keep going. The kid might not.

Who is this? Huh? Who is this? I'm going to say his fucking name. Listen to you, you rat. You learn nothing in Sicily? You never watch a documentary before, you fucking greasy wot? You buttery wot?

What's his name? I think if you hit, you run, I think. Yeah, well, you have to in a fucking 70s ice cream truck. Oh, yeah. When I was broke, I used to bumps ice cream truck yeah when I was broke I used to bump into cars all the time when I was broke I would never left a note yeah oh my god everyone 's like it's bad karma I'm like I have enough bad karma dude it's also just like it's gonna get worse yeah I have nine dollars to my name yeah oh yeah I gotta be a good person dude did I tell

you the I think the scariest part about leaving a note is like just the phone call, maybe emails get exchanged. It's just like it's paperwork. Yeah. I can't do the paperwork. I think I told this story before, but I left a note once when I landscaped. And my boss put me in charge of the truck. And me and another coworker had a big 40-inch blade, you know, giant mower going somewhere.

We're wrapping around this tight corner in Delco, like close to me going around the post office. And there's a cop coming this way. So I can't, I can't, I can't move. Traffic can't get by. It's a big old school, whatever F two 50. I mean like it's like a U boatboat this thing is giant and the the idea is broke when you when you shift a little orange marker is like stuck up top so you have to like go for feel when you get to like reverse oh and drive and all that neutral yeah yeah so you you pull it down but like you don't you have to wait for it to go and it's like we're talking old school

engineering and I'm behind this fucking thing I don't know 20 19 maybe 18 maybe 17 yeah yeah yeah I think I was 15 what month was it

so I put this thing I want to know exactly what kind of mind you're i'm going i'm moving over so this you're fine chris we're gonna get there babe stay you were at best buy for a while dude i know we know what's going on yeah you're gonna get there god damn it waiting for an ambulance to come by i have to move over to the right even more so i ship this goddamn thing it's got one of those back bumpers that is like pure iron that thing is not moving

it's the one that comes out like a bed frame that you step on yeah yeah they made this car when gas was like 10 cents a gallon yeah so everything weighs a thousand pounds yeah so you can drive to arizona to pick up your fucking deadbeat mom and indestructible truck all you hear is clink and this dude next to me jody was like i think you're on the i think you're on the guy's bumper and i was like what and i'm sweating because there's already like sirens and people like get the fuck yeah yeah i got i got a ton of weight in the back it's the first time i ever drove the truck on my own it was like my first time going i trust you guys go get this job done we'll meet back up at this other location. I hear clink.

Now I'm trying to reverse out of this. Once the ambulance and fire truck leave me, I'm like, I'm hitting the seat. Yeah. And he's like, couldn't find it. He's like,

just turn the wheel all the way to the left, pull it, gas it a little bit. When I tell you, dude, it sounded like the glass break. And it was just like, I ripped this dude's entire bumper off the headlights come falling out like muppet ice and the grate falls

on the ground dude he's laughing like you guys it's literally like a finishing move It was a skeleton out of the front of the fucking car. Like finish. It was like those pants that rip off. So anyway, other shorts, I start panicking. I'm like, I'm definitely getting fired.

This is his car. It's going to go to his insurance. Everything's fucked. The whole business is fucked. Jody's like, he had such a his car. It's going to go to his insurance. Everything's fucked. The whole business is fucked. Jody's like, he had such a pussy voice. He's like, write a note and say, this is your phone number if you want to get in contact.

So I put it underneath his Andrew Luck. Dude. He had that same voice. Andrew Luck's the most unlikable face, most punchable face. The worst voice yeah it's that enlarged console voice

yeah yeah he deserved to be a high profile quarterback because he had nothing he had nothing yeah yeah like when he's talking like his mouth

looks like it's working so hard you know what I mean it looks like someone like trudging through snow yeah and he also had like an underbite

with the lip like the trench lip the fucking right. And he also had like an underbite with, with the lip, like the trench lip, the fucking. Right, right. Where you showed too much teeth. God, he was terrible.

Yeah. When he said he was going to retire, I knew he had a few good years left in him. I was like, get that face off my sports center. That kid is ugly as shit. He's ugly as fuck, dude.

Don't retire that mug, dude. Just have him write the answers to the questions down that doesn't care make him a hungover substitute teacher that guy sucks dick anyway so i i write a note saying hey i did this to your car is here's my number we'll be coming back this way so like two hours later after we go to cut the lawns that we were you know scheduled to cut we're coming back down this hill and as i'm coming down the hill i'll never forget this like i'm so like nervous nervous and then you see this guy on one knee piecing back the front of his car

with like handles and he's on one knee the note is still underneath the windshield wiper and i was like yo i could try and walk by you talk to him for a second yeah i'll pull the note we skedaddle yeah yeah yeah like peasy pull it pull it off like you're pulling lint off someone's yeah yeah let me get that yeah I used to leave stuck in here yeah yeah yeah fall you know

no I was just trying to help out yeah like cotton in a haircut I'm like it takes a village man so I go up to the guy I was like

no no I'm just gonna I'm gonna say something I was like excuse me sir I was the one that did this to your car I'm

you know I'm the guy and he turns around he's like what and I was like I did this to your car he'm um you know i'm the guy and he turns around he's like what i was like i did this to your car he goes no problem no problem no problem and i was like no no no i ripped your bumper off your headlights are on the ground you're trying to put your grill back i did this

yeah he's like it's no problem no problem you say no he's no problem and then i realized but i was only 18, 19, whatever the fuck it was. So I was like, okay, get back in the truck. I was like, Jody,

you said it's no problem. And he's like, what do you mean? It's no problem. Jody gets back out. He goes, no, no,

no, no, no problem. No problem. No problem. And then I walked back out after we said a second time and I took the thing off the,

the windshield. Yeah. And then it took me years to realize, oh, he just wasn't legal. So he couldn't possibly tell anyone of authority going, this guy fucked up my car. Take the bumper with you if you want it.

You got the grill, you don't even want the grill. No bumper. Take the whole car. You want bumper? You want bumper? He's just hanging me a headlight you want a headlight my friend my friend he's finding me take the bumper holy she's just mad maxing home dude i used to work for this landscaping company in the city and i was like the driver and i would

have to go upstate and get all this shit like the fertilizer whatever and we would get this stuff and they just called it fish and it was like it's the best fertilizer for plants and it's just fish guts yeah and liquid yeah just liquid fish guts basically in these big jugs it's chubby where they were you know sealed up jugs everything so i had to go all the way way upstate and get get the fish jugs i got like 40 of them and it was maybe 98 degrees and i was driving home i must have been on my phone or some shit driving back into the city and i just hit like a huge pothole like i'm in the whole the whole car went and i was like oh fuck you oh damn and then i'm like oh it's still working and all of a sudden you know i get closer and closer to the office oh my god it's starting to smell oh my god no no and i was like it's just my

hands like i'm just close to my hands and they smell like fish from the fish i get back there dude i mean like 15 of these things busted open and there's fish everywhere and the my boss freaked out he was like fucking losing his mind like what the the fuck? I'm like, it's hot. What do you want from me? He's like, how the fuck did this happen? So he makes me clean it out. I power wash the whole thing out for like hours. I come back in the next day.

I mean, it's smelled like the, it smelled like an aquarium. I mean, it wasn't even close to not smelling like that. Do you ever break like a fish oil pill? Yeah. Like you ever pop a fish oil pill? No. Throw the whole fucking thing out. I just saw in the road. Sorry to cut you off. Do you ever break like a fish oil pill? Yeah. Like you ever pop a fish oil pill? Throw the whole fucking thing out. I just saw in the road.

Sorry to cut you off. In the road. I'm saying two days ago when I say. He's got hot fish guts. When I. Fish oil pill. Well, I'm saying it's like even a fish oil pill. Yeah.

Yeah. It's so pungent that like you're whatever it hits gone. Yeah. Like if it's a couch gone it doesn't matter how big or how small fish cuts you gotta throw the truck out that's a great you can't clean that yeah yeah dude so he like it never got clean it never stopped smelling and they were trying to do all these fixes and i'm starting to realize like the problem is you gotta like throw the car out like yeah yeah the van is ruined like i ruined the vehicle that's fit like there's fish in every nook and cranny yes the vehicle's ruined and he kept being like the boss finally like a week later goes it was now he's got conspiracy theories

going he's going i don't understand how fish thing what you got the bottles they're sealed so how did they open that doesn't make any sense fish bottles don't just open themselves and i was like let me get this straight do you think what i was driving two hours back into the city you wanted to pull over the side roads i fucked this car yeah yeah yeah let's get our naturality no no man he's's making hell for me yeah let me make this the worst drive of my life what are you talking about yeah you thought you were slinging fish guts on the side yeah yeah yeah just popping off in every hamlet in town just be like anyone need some guts i got a guy dude i i fucking the worst thing i ever did in a car is i i literally i remember i went to a flyers game and got absolutely shit faced i bought a

jersey at the game fucking called my dad from the game was like oh i'm having the best time it's like there should be a breathalyzer test for people that want to buy a jersey at a game. You should not be allowed to buy a jersey at the game if you're over legal limit. They'd be like, you're clearly insane. Yeah, because you don't want your team being the one where the guy punches a little kid or something.

Yeah, it's going to lead to some bigger problems. Yeah. Dude, I got fucking I was wrecked. I'd basically proven to my dad that i was shit-faced then i i got back to my apartment and my buddy was like doing coke or something like across town i was like i'm gonna drive to that and i got in the car and i was going over the fucking spring garden bridge i was going over the sea i was going to the spring garden bridge

and i absolutely smash into a car in front of me hammered fully like everyone gets there's a group of indian people in the car they all get out holding their call that a gander they all get out of indians a gander a gander of Indians a pack of packies that's good that's a good one a pack of packies

is good a bundle of Indians yeah a bundle a bundle a nice bundle I went to engineering school dude I fucking

every class was a bundle of Indians dude they're yeah they're good engineers you gotta find a white guy yeah yeah the Chinese and the Indians stay there, they're, yeah, they're good engineers. You got to find a white guy. Yeah.

The Chinese and the Indians stay there. They stay close to the answers. They go like, dude, you ever see that when you try to cheat off kids, like, yeah, you're so right.

If it was the nerdy white kid, you'd be like looking over. He's kind of annoyed. You're cheating at him. The Asian kids, dude, they go, dude,

they get a fucking fortress up. You're like, you're not getting in here. They build a wall. That's why. They do build a wall. Asians go all maxi on you. Because we got no competition

in this country. They understand. They're like, you get my numbers, you might get into my school. Yeah. I'm not fucking doing that. It's harder for Asians

to get into college than white people. Yeah. Competing with a building. They need their spot. Not anymore. Dude. Our kids have no shot.

Anyway, go ahead. I talked to the cops hammered i like stayed at the scene filled out like all his paperwork and somehow did not get in trouble at all yeah yeah that's crazy and i limped the car home again fucking headlights fully out grill yeah just looked like it had puked yeah it was crazy and then i had i called my dad the next day i was like i got in a bit of an accident last night he's like were you drinking i was like nah yeah what are you crazy sobered up by that point yeah it's not the holidays dad oh there was a i was at a party in high school and like my ex-girlfriend showed up and i was like i'm

fucking i'm blowing this fucking popsicle stain i'm like i'm getting out of here i don't need this shit i don't need these parts like i'm like you know i'm like i'm above it i'm not i don't even need these pops yeah yeah yeah you know how you used to say it in high school right i'm blowing this popsicle yeah you know whatever damn. 1955 was tough. Whatever slang we were using deep into the 2000s. I'm just saying. A hundred years earlier, I'm blowing this popsicle. You ain't getting my nickel to Sadie's dance

anymore. I'll see you later. I'm hammered and I'm parked in this kid's driveway. I'm on that. My old gal's here. So i'm parked in this driveway i'm at the back of the driveway like furthest from the road there's a car right behind me car right next to me and it's snowing so i'm from buffalo so it's fucking snowing and i'm like

all right i gotta get out of here i'm hammered so i like weaved in and out in between the cars didn't touch either of them like hammer. And I was like, I fucking did it. And then I don't even remember what happened, but there was track marks to prove it. It's almost like I celebrated that good of a driving move. And I drew,

I drove right across the kid's yard directly into it. So nimble. And I was like, I got this, I got this and I got it. I was like so nimble and i was like i got this i got this and i got it i was like yeah and my right like if it was like a rectangular it was like a perfectly diagonal across the yard, like tire tracks. And my right tire comes off of the wheel.

And I was driving down this big hill and there were sparks coming up. And it's going. I'm hammering. I'm like, fuck it. This is a fucking kind of, this is messed up, dude. I'm like seeing hammer. Dude. I pulled into the parking lot of like the local grocery store and just by a

godsend, there were all these kids in there. They were good friends of mine, but they were like, they were the kids that like, they didn't go to school, but they weren't like criminals. They just like dropped acid and worked on cars.

They were like these kinds of, they had like gauge earrings and they loved like cars and they would like drop a lot of acid. They were vaping early. They were vaping before everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is is my nightmare you picture in the kids yeah because i've always been a little bit jealous of the that type of dude who's just like you're doing it i like i like you just don't have gauges no no no no but you're doing it specifically the thing because i i'm more of the deputy that is like I need to figure out a way to make money without having a job.

They were like, I'm going to work. I like doing acid on the weekends. I probably follow fish around or something like that. But I just, I get a job that pays me exactly what I need to do this life for the rest of my life. Yeah. And that's it. Trade school guys. Yes.

They're trade school guys. That's us, dude. Yeah. We're fucking trade school guys yes they're trade school guys that's us dude yeah we're fucking trade school guys the kids we used to make fun of what yeah i was 10th in my high school i made fun of kids like this but now i'm doing the same thing this is just trade looking to get some booze money travel around the world put a little hot pinky in somebody i work two hours a week kiss your lips sing a song on a boardwalk. Watching the sunset. Drunk in a city you don't know anyone.

Trade school. We're fucking trade schoolers. These guys are working like 50 hours a week. Covering fucking oil. We should have been a carpenter in high school. I should have learned arts and crafts in a shed. Instead of work my dick off for AP

calculus dude I did it wrong what do you think you would have done if you didn't do this you think you would have just worked some office job and wanted to kill yourself or do you think I had one yeah I left a whole career for this dog shit yeah interesting which sucks I would like to think that I would go into like I don't know

it'd be nice to be like a master carpenter or something you know what I mean building actual shit yeah you can still do that we have plenty of time I don't know. It'd be nice to be like a master carpenter or something. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like a woodworking actual shit. Yeah. Yeah. That would do this. We have plenty of time.

You could be a master carpenter right now. Yeah. Put another like 10 years into wood whittling, whittling wood. Yeah. Is that what it's called? I know it's tough though. So you really got to do stuff.

Yeah. You got to do it. I don't have a degree, dude. I would have been driving around in fishy vans for the rest of my life. Imagine just delivering chum from boat to boat,

dock to dock. Dude, that was when I was like, something's gotta give here because this is the next 20 years. When you work fucked up jobs like that too, it's not true. Yeah, it's so important to work a fucked up job when like you

come to that crossroads of adolescence yeah you know 13 to 15 15 to 17 put your kid in a fucked up job and be like if you don't want to get your shit together you're gonna be traveling with fish guts for the rest of your life yes and it's usually a construction where you go i cannot do this no yeah but i cannot but you're constantly holding things dude my brother's an engineer weird i'm not an engineer like just like just just breaking through old buildings that are probably spewing god knows what into your lungs see i disagree with this a little bit because a union electrician, these guys work big jobs in the city. My brother does.

Yeah. Yeah. Philly. They put together like, he's one of those guys that like, I'll pass like Comcast Sports Center. I'm like, yeah, I put that up. I put all the lighting in there up there. I probably build it, you know, the whole thing myself.

And you're like, cool, dude. That's fucking great. You put up the Comcast center it's pretty sweet that's awesome and then i i met him for lunch one time they're all blacked out at fucking noon yeah i mean pill heads while working yes drunks pill heads they get all fucked up they got you know you see these guys see they they're blacked out by like three to 5 p.m. Pretty decent job. And they get union wages and they can retire early. And these guys are monkeys.

They're frontline monkeys. If we went to World War, the union guys go there first because they're animals. And they're tough as fucking nails. They got nothing to live for. But that's happiness. They want... I don't know dude working union jobs i was like liberal on it before working union jobs made me vehemently anti-union

watching those guys i'm like these guys are these guys are taking like everyone's like oh you take a little luck these guys are taking two hour shits like these guys are that's what i'm saying but that's the fucking dream the thing about those that's the dream if you don't want if you don't want something specific it's a nice if you can get into it but the nepotism is wild you have to know somebody yeah even fucking it yeah what do you call it the street services no there's a waste management yeah waste management it's very difficult to get in there. It takes 10 years sometimes. Yeah.

For people, even with college education, because they know you got to know somebody, you got to know your waiting list, but the payoff is great. 20 years in, you're fucking retired with a nice pension. It is nice. Dealing with the day-to-day bullshit, if you don't have a want or a need

other than taking care of your family, getting a paycheck, seems like a pretty fucking decent day-to-day nice the benefits yeah when you like when you yeah 20 years go by and then you're like fucking i got this pension it's nice i can do whatever the fuck i want that fucking rules but i feel like a lot of those guys that are getting blacked out every day at noon wake up and they're 50 and they're just like, Whoa, first of all, my name is Tom. What, what have I done? What have I, what do you think you're on? What pants do you think you're on, dude?

Have you seen yourself? You're the exact same thing for Chris without doing work. For Chris to go, these guys getting hammered in the middle of the day. Waking up. What are they doing with their lives? All of a sudden you're 50. I worry about it. I worry about it.

I saw you at 4pm for the first time. They're 37. They're at CC McGinnis until 5 in the morning. Throwing darts. You lose at CC McGinnisy's till 5 in the morning. He's throwing darts. He's literally at Sissy McGinty's throwing darts last night till 3 a.m. Every night. The only other dude that's in Sissy McGinty's is me from the future. And he did construction.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are a construction union worker, dude. Oh, dude. Dude, the last time we were in there, we did a seven-game darts tournament. And do you remember that good-looking Indian kid who was hitting on the chick? He talked you into going to the Sissy McGinty's? He did, yeah. Last time, huh? We were with Joey Avery, and he was like, Joey was like, it was like 12.30.

He's like, all right, I got to go home. We were like, what the fuck? Come on, man. 12.30. So you're going now, just because the game's over? Yeah. We're drinking four out. Come on.

Were you sick or something? Why were you going home at 12.30? Yeah. We're drinking for four hours. Come on. Were you sick or something? Why were you going home at 12? Yeah. I don't know. He went home early. I think he had to fly the next day or something. He had actual. Oh, Joey said this.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, that makes sense. He has a wife. Yeah. He's got accountability. I thought you meant he said that. Oh, no, no. No, he was.

We closed the bar down. Yeah. But we. We went to Siss to sisters we were playing darts and there was this kid like this good-looking indian kid he had like earrings and a cool beard and he was like talking just went over to this chick and was like you're real beautiful as you talk to her right next to the dartboard and i remember he's like kind of charming or like he looked like he was doing well and then like we're so into our darts match and like talking shit like one-on-one you know really dialed in and it's like this kid must have been hitting on the screen like you know

you're so beautiful like you know i'd love to take you out to the top but all of a sudden here's one of us go cock sucker you cock sucker triple 18 you're fucking me yeah dude We were banged up when we started playing too. Like it was, we were fully one eye. Like it was a mess. Yeah. I love sissies. I like it. Yeah.

I love sissy McGill. I have a hard time with sissies. Foley couldn't even believe we went there. Yeah. Well, I was like, yeah, we had, we were playing darts with sissies. It was more my mental state when I was introduced to sissies. Cause I didn't, there was no other bars here. Yeah.

When I first got here, no other bars here. Yeah. When I first got here like 10 years ago. Yeah. So I come off the bus from LaGuardia with my bag, not making any money doing fucking feature work in like Portland. I dragged my bag in the sissies. She's like, what are you having on?

What do you have? And I'm like, uh, you got an IPX. That's all I've got. That's all I've got. And there'll be like, again, hodgepodge of indians yeah the middle eastern crew in there i yeah it's a motley crew because you're on that that end of steinway is mostly middle middle east yeah yeah so it's like it's like a if you want to vr like lobby you know have you ever played vr and there's like, it's like a, if you want to VR, like lobby, you know,

have you ever played VR? And there's like, you can go to a lobby and there's like all kinds of people from the earth. This is the only place that you can like, it's like a star Wars bar. There's people from other planets just walking in, but you have the typical name says he make entities and you have the fucking away just talking like this and told me how are you Tom? But she knew my name and I was like i like this place and i would just pull my

my suitcase up have a couple shitty pints because the the giraffe line was never clean to be sour and i'd shit myself for like 45 minutes after i got home just a monstrosity of a bar yeah real piece of shit and you never and then someone hit the jukebox and the jukebox would be like fucking like share from like yeah like remix share from the 20s that's just two hookah indians like yeah yeah no queens queens is my favorite play i lived in queens for years i'm trying to move my girl back. Dude, I'm never leaving. No, I love it. It's my favorite place in New York by a mile. But it's so diverse that sometimes it's like a bit much.

Yeah. Like you'll be in a bar and there's like two Indians, three black guys, a table full of Italians, the bartenders straight off the boat from fucking Belfast. It looks like a CBS comedy. It's unbelievable. And sometimes you're like, this is a lot. I'm kind of tired. This is a lot for, this is a lot. I'm kind of tired. This is a lot for me right now.

Yeah. I'm on a process. Put me in all white, all black, all white. Dude, me too. My mind, right? I'm tired. I'm hungover from last night. I need segregation right now.

Same. I don't care which form of it. Yeah. I can't process. There's 11 languages. Dude. And fucking Maggie. it's like getting on a delta flight you're like oh it's a fat tranny asian pilot you're like i get it delta everybody gets a job let's just pump the brakes give me a fucking a navy reserve old school white tie with a dog shit haircut yeah anyway racism is is important dude yeah to having fun and throwing darts yeah without it what do we have left sometimes you want simplicity now dude a story is the fucking shit, man.

What time are we at? We got reads, too. You know what reads we got? Nah, but let's just record them later. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they have to be in certain places now, too. I think we can't just, like, read them.

I think they have to be at, like, certain... Who are the sponsors? We have no idea. I don't know. Hello, Fresh. I don't know if we have any just like read them. I think they have to be at like certain. Who are, who are the, who are the sponsors? We have no idea. I don't know. Hello, fresh. I think, I don't,

I don't know if we have it. Hello, fresh. You just, you just made up a brand. That's a big guess. I don't know. Something about baby bulls.

No, it is great when you walk, when you can walk around the street and there's just stores that are like fucking they got rabbits for sale yeah frozen rabbits from spain yeah yeah frozen rabbits i know exactly yeah fresh rabbit it says frozen rabbits from spain on the front door that you push in i've never had crab have you ever had rabbit no yeah dude i used to live in jackson heights and i would go to this filipino restaurant all the time and they had all these different sauces at a deli yeah and don't eat

anything she didn't eat english or she didn't speak english and i didn't obviously don't speak fucking filipino or whatever and i would just point the dark sauce looked like it probably had the most flavor so i just was like fucking give me a thing of that one and she just didn't ask any more questions we didn't communicate one iota she scooped me a bowl i ate it i was like fucking give me a thing of that one and she just didn't ask any more questions we didn't communicate one iota yeah she scooped me a bowl i ate it i was like this is delicious so like three times a week i would go eat that stuff and then i started dating my girl i still don't know what i was eating like three times a week dude for like a year and i started dating my girl she's filipino i was talking to her mother she's like oh that's blood sauce it's

like blood yeah like it's just like the sauce is like i was dude i was blood dude i was like a vampire for like a year that rolls dude that's what drinking dean straight like pig blood i drink my own blood when i get a cut tastes pretty good just suck on a nickel idiot are you uh sicilian and puerto rican uh no no everybody i'm sicilian and uh my dad's like lebanese and white oh okay i'm a little lebanese yeah middle eastern yeah a little middle that's cool a lot of people think i'm puerto rican you look puerto rican yeah your hair is city puerto rican vibes it is yeah you look like a fun puerto rican sandwich maker you know what i mean? You're just a joy, dude. You're a fucking joy.

Yeah. I have no idea what anybody looks like. I really don't. Jesus Christ. This is like an ice cream truck. The way you interrupt the flow of a conversation is like an ice cream truck killing a kid.

We were having some flow here. Like, I have no idea how anybody looks. I don't. I have no idea what I'm saying. It's true. You can't decipher like who's what. As accurate I can get is maybe the continent. What?

Yeah. More specific than that. You can't tell what type of Europeanan someone is how's your judar uh my judar is light out not great not great not great no i just don't i like i don't know i just don't really pay attention to that kind of stuff yeah you know there's like uh i i've lived in new york long enough where i know the different types of jews you got the obvious acidic and orthodox jews but then there's like the young, like fuck boy, Uyghur Jews.

You know those guys? Yeah. The kids from like the Upper West Side. Yeah. They're trying to get out of that. Yeah. Trying to leave the neighborhood. Nice gold chain.

You know, you see like a sexy white kid with like a dark beard. He's like 19. He's got a gold chain. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. Yeah. There's, there's, yeah yeah there's a lot of there is a lot of jews that try to be black yeah yeah it is a thing suburban jews too yeah yeah it's jews and uh indian dudes yeah indy dudes big time indy dudes love it yeah dude i went to drexel as chris did as well but indian culture and drexel was so funny to me because they're rich cherry hill south jersey yeah yeah but they come into like philly and they'd act tough yeah like black slang and it's like what are you what are you doing what the fuck are you doing you're driving a lexus you're a freshman

my parents wouldn't dream of having a lexus they worked their whole life yeah like are you are you acting tough right now get off like yeah what's up bro you're fucking 20 years old to get out of a jaguar yeah oh shit and they'll do like this there's this hard like handshake like what are you doing stop fucking doing this i'm cheating off you in chemistry will you stop acting like you're cool dude you dress like a fucking lesbian and you can't fucking dribble a basketball stop acting cool with the where the white kids Were there white kids trying to be black when you went to high school?

Yeah, there was like the M&M thing. He went to school in Greenwich. So no. What are you talking about? There was no wigs in Greenwich. There were definitely wigs in Greenwich. You guys have no idea what it's like. It drives me fucking bananas.

Are you sick of the drainage slander? Dude, it's nonstop. It's nonstop. And it's always from other rich kids. New York is full of rich kids whose parents are paying for them to exist yeah and when they find out i'm from greenwich they love to be like oh fucking yeah greenwich i'm from fucking michigan and then it's like they're like okay and they they grew up in a like palatial in fucking michigan they've got a house on the lake they fucking they've like they go to the alps in the winter you know what i mean they're like every

like major in hawaii and it's just like what the fuck is this like just because your dad owns michigan doesn't make you yeah yeah yeah you're not you're not like salt of the earth yeah i love how these fucking barstool like like i hate to say just women because there's i'm sure there's a bunch of them but there's like these hosts they'll show like they'll just post like a video of them at their house and i'm like looks like something you'd rent to film a movie yeah yeah this is where you were raised yeah yeah you had a safety net this whole fucking time because it's it's insane no percentage of these kids that are like actually wealthy yeah they've got like there's a second floor balcony in the house yeah like yeah what the

fuck yeah there's like there's like deep staging in the shot yeah yeah it's like purposeful yeah yeah it's like purposeful just show your wealth instead of hiding it it's like yeah just writing and you're writing a fucking a poop article for barstool in a bikini on a private balcony outside of your bedroom you dumb untalented twat you've done nothing for this industry you whore anyway i'm not butthurt you see uh you see that around the holidays too these kids like especially in comedy the kids will be like i got kids will be like i'm home for the holidays and it's like like a 20-foot kitchen island yeah what are you emerald yeah yeah my dad's making the fuck why is your dad not fist fighting you because there's not enough room for you to move by you yeah right

you're gonna fight back meanwhile you're just trying to shimmy to get to the bathroom, which is a buck at the best. Yeah, you're trying to film a TikTok, you're screaming across the kitchen. Dad! Yeah, yeah. Can you hear me? Shut up!

The game's on! Yeah, yeah. Yes, dude. Yeah, when they're like, they're like just at home watching the game with dad and they've got like the big L. It's a C couch. Yeah.

You know what I mean? With like blocks in the middle and shit, you know? And they're just like, there's four big dogs perfectly fluffed and washed from someone they they've never met before and they pan around to show their mom who's in the kitchen the kitchen is the other end of a hallway that's the size of a kitchen yeah the hallway is dude here's an idea those moms don't cook by the way no they don't fuck they don't fuck they don't cook ever those gas grills with that big exhaust fan gets me so fucking hard. That island kitchen.

Every time I see a rich person's kitchen, my bird dances, dude. I get a fucking, he starts doing a salsa. I get nuts. What I'd like to do for these fucking untalented rich cunts, what I'd like to do is show a little Instagram video of them on all fours, wiping piss off the bottom of a toilet, cleaning their bathrooms, you know? Yeah. Be a regular person. Cut your lawn.

Yeah. Learn how to gas a weed whacker. Half oil, half gas. Fire it up. See if you have enough in the fucking arm, let alone the tank. You've never had a real job in your life. Yeah, they got an electric one for sure. Your dad also has a real job in your life yeah they got they got an electric one for your dad also has a mistress yeah he hates your mom your dad is fucking everybody in the

cul-de-sac yeah yeah yeah he's getting dirty yeah no he probably does international business he's got like a mistress and oh of course london or something yeah yeah nice british bird big part of his portfolio yeah yeah that's why his lips are always soft he doesn't use moisturizer he just gets pussy fluids seeping through his skin yeah if your dad is constantly offering to pick up or drop people off at the airport oh suck time yeah yeah yeah no i gotta leave early because a lot of times there's traffic yeah five hours early yeah yeah what are you doing between yeah why are you going to the airport so often no a lot of a lot of these uh a lot of these kids in comedy they grew up in

like houses that they're like an airbnb you'd rent for a bachelor party yes you know yeah yeah like your your buddy's getting married everybody's like all right let's shell out for fucking jerry you know one time only hopefully you know this one's for jerry yeah just getting some comics house that works as a stand you know it's like you pull them off the nine o'clock show you're like can we rent your house for the weekend your mom's house you're doing coke with drywall in it and you're like this one's jerry yeah look the fucking ceiling lights go to the fuchsia. If you fucking click that button, it goes to the fuchsia. But they grew up in, like, you know, Missouri or outside of St. Louis or something like that. So they go like, hey, I'm from St. Louis.

Tough town. And you're like, wait, where in St. Louis? You know? And then you find out they have a fucking huge house. Yeah. It's every time. Or they're nowhere from St. Louis. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like people going, like, yeah, I'm from Philly. It's like, no, you're three hours away from Philly, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are literally three hours away from Philly. I got punched by a guy from Boston for saying that. Really? I was on a bus. It's a complete overreaction.

I was on a bus? Give me your face. I was. Can I use your face for a second? I got to punch you. What a Boston thing to do. Can I use your face for a second i gotta punch it what a boss can i use your face for a second i was on a bus i'm a bills fan we were arguing with these pats fans and we were drunk we were on this bus and i was like these motherfuckers i like stood on this i was i mean i

was like these guys they're not even from fucking boston they're like rich looking white kids like they're from 55 minutes outside the fucking city, but they go to college. They tell everybody they're from Boston. And I'm like in the middle of this rant and it's kind of got a little crowd for it. Just a clean one too. While I'm on my little soapbox just fucking rocked me.

Dude, that rules. He really didn't let me finish. And I was like, okay, you're from Boston. That rules. I did a show in a barn. I did a show in a barn in upstate New York. And I said I was

from Philly. Black Israelite. Dude. Truly, if I had a choice to come back as anyone, it would be a black Israelite. Yeah.

They're letting those dudes out front of fucking city hall. Those guys get down in Philly. Black Israelites in Philly. They'll cut your fucking head off for a couple extra views, dude. They're nuts. And they're bad motherfuckers. They're like North Philly dudes. Yeah. Anyone who's that crazy is terrified. Yeah. They're nuts. Really? And they're bad motherfuckers. They're like North Philly dudes. Yeah.

Anyone who's that crazy is terrified. Yeah. They're insane. What's religion? Yeah. Yeah. They're insane. And it's a weird one too.

Anyway, I'm doing a show in a barn, like in upstate New York. And I said, I'm from Philly. He's like, no, you're not. You're from Delaware County. After the show, I was like, yeah, well, it's like 15 minutes away. I'm not going to explain in a joke that I'm from a county. Yeah. Yeah.

Suburb city suburbs. Like saying if you're from South Philly, as opposed to center city, it's like, yeah, I'm not going to do these. Like, well, yeah, well, you're actually not Philly. I'm like, dude, you live. You're Amish. You're painting mailboxes. You dyke. That's what you do for a living. And you're busting you're painting mailboxes you dyke that's what you do for a living

and you're busting my tits this guy's got fucking ear hair he was like 35 and delco's like the real get a grip dude delco's like philly's heart like it's when you think of a philly guy you think of a delco guy right you think of a Delco guy, right? You could fucking run there. Yeah. I'm not kidding. It's like three miles, four miles. But when I think of like the dude who's like, dude, we were out drinking beers. No, for sure.

Like that guy. Is that guy a Delco guy? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I feel like, I feel like Delco is a lot of like, if people who like grew up as kids in Philly did a little bit better than their parents. They moved to Delco.

Yeah. So it's all kind of hardcore Philly people. Yeah. That just got a little bit into the suburbs. Yeah. Like a little bit. Yeah. It's like,

it's like, instead of going up one step, you go up a half step. You know what I mean? Like if you come on like, we'll get there tomorrow. And they waited for me to graduate to go to Westchester. And that's a step up. Now they're in the actual burps. Tom, I was, I used to film this YouTube. we come on like we'll get there tomorrow and they waited for me to graduate to go to westchester and

that's a step up now they're in the actual burps i was i used to film this youtube i had this youtube show and i would go interview people at like wild places and we went to wildwood wild new jersey's it was crazy and there were all these this group of bros and they're like shotgun and beers banging them against their head fucking passing out like yeah and they're like they would they were like getting on the we were filming they were getting on the camera they're like yeah i ate these girls ass and then i had to go to the doctors the week later they said i had herpes on my tongue or some shit like that and i swear no joke at the end they were they were talking about delco and they fucking watched your show

oh delco proper yeah they were like nice i remember at the end they were like do you know tommy pope but these guys were like like international superstar delco the show yeah yeah yeah the show but they were yeah these guys dude i lived on 26th street in in wildwood it was the greatest time of my life dude dude one full summer i sold kayaks it was literally the best job you just get fucked up with your boys that place horseshoes piss your pants yeah literally piss your pants while playing horseshoes you sweat dude you don't go anywhere you wet your bane suit everybody has a good time your hot piss rolls down to your fucking bare feet

slang and shoes the next day you wake up and you pull kayaks away from a shed and you rent them and when you rent them you fucking double the price so they give you cash a little big for dad and you buy beer for the whole house dude dude whole summer long i went there i went there once with my uh girlfriend at the time she like her family would always go to wywood and uh we we went i remember we went on a roller coaster with morris pierre yeah yeah with her sister and all russians by the way dude i like i got it into my head that like i i don't know what i think i'd read something about like fighter pilots like flexing muscles or something to like the blood in their head and dude so on the on the why are you like this roller coaster i'm like i'm like trying to do

like moves i guess to like just flex. You get blown your head. Yeah. It's some dumb thing. And then they took a picture, a picture, you know, when we were like on one of the big downslopes. And I never forget. It's my girlfriend or sister, like having like a nice, like, you know, a normal face.

And I'm just there like dude when i think about this picture i scream in the shower sometimes in the thought but yeah yeah yeah just how fucking crazy embarrassing that was and how they had to like it was one of those things where like but we obviously didn't buy the picture but like you would have bought it back off i'll pay you to delete 60 bucks when you take it you're buying it from your girlfriend it is why do you sell it back to the guy dude it's one of those things where it's like i i know that their family must still talk about that photo that's how embarrassing it was yeah it's just like yeah remember that time that lunatic was in our life

yeah a little bit dude you hate those when the cringy moments from your past when you're thinking they come back out of nowhere i'll like let out a little yell me too no no no yeah every time i talk about this mckeever mckeever called it espn because i'll just i'll yell when like the the bout of anxiety is so high the cringe worthiness is so high that it takes your entire body and i just go ah yeah i do a quick scream yes yeah and i'll do it like in bed yeah like in the morning i'll think of something going ah and it just releases it's like saying fuck when you miss like a ground ball playing like sports or miss a big play and you're like fuck and then you just start becoming calm mckeever used to scream espn

yeah i don't know why it's so funny to me but he would just go espn and it's so fucking funny and we both had the same conversation about espn and anxiety was like, dude, I scream. And he goes, I yell ESPN. And I'm like, fucking ESPN. It's my new go. I start having full on conversations with myself. I'll be like, you fucking moron. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You could be a carpenter. And then I'll start, then I'll start like a like reenacting this the situation in my head and i'll be saying something different yeah i can save this yeah yeah yeah just going back in time and then i'll realize that i'm saying it all out loud it happened it happened in boston now it's very irish to like stew about it and kind of talk quietly to like stew about it and

talk quietly is very irish where the italian way to deal with it is to scream yes like that's how i i deal with things by just yelling yeah it's like dude we got my girl we have a water tank and we can't drink the tap because the tap's not good for you she wanted the filter a filtered water so we have a big water tank and then my girl is she's from fucking san francisco dude it's so gay she doesn't want to drink out of plastic anything so we have like 10 gallon glass jugs in my house and they deliver them to the house so we can drink to drink fucking water water new york city taps like the cleanest water in the world it's the best water it's the best water yeah it's actually good for you yeah the minerals dude are good for you yeah no it's great well water in delaware it's good great

you know how often they fucking check it to make sure it's okay like it's regulated as much as it could possibly be regulated yes and we have like these art pieces full of water getting delivered to the house twice a week and so i'll tell you what fill one with fish guts so the other day this is like a couple weeks ago two of these things are in the fucking house and the there's like a delivery guy bringing in like a fucking table or something she ordered so like the delivery guy comes in and he's like bringing in like this table thing in and it's just me and i was like all right man here let me move these bottles out of the way and i try to pick up two of these 10 gallon glass jugs and they just clink together no they both

broke oh no dude it was it wasn't like they spilled it was like a way it was like yeah and the amazon guys in my house and i just went I was like, no! That's an aquarium. And he's like, I'm sorry, man, but where do you want me to put this? I was like, melting. I was just going, no! Imagine that cleanup, dude. The movie scream, dude.

Just glass and water. Yeah, that guy was me in the Uber. That guy got his foot run over. It's just like, that sucks. Are you looking for the page? Yeah, sure. Do you just do a second one? It's just like, that sucks. Can you stick him for the page? Oh yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah. I got a piss. What do you, do you just do a second one? Yeah.

Yeah. Just do a second hour.