Stuff Island - Stuff Island #65 - v1 w/ Sean Donnelly

Episode Date: February 3, 2023

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I was just in Philly. Oh, really? Do what? I did that secret headliner show at William. Oh, nice. Was it good? It was so funny. I did one in Raleigh once that was awesome, but it's so funny.

It's like, I show up and it's like, oh, yeah. It's like, I didn't expect it. They do secret headliners? Most people show up for secret headliners. Yeah, yeah. When I actually headline the club. Yeah. It's like 50 people.

Because they think it's going to be like Louis or something. They're hoping it's Chris Rock trying out some stuff. It's just me. I mean, that's the beauty of the secret headliner show is you get big crowds. I love how it pisses the locals off when you just see like

it's like Chip Chantry. They see him like five times a week. Another 30 minutes. how it pisses the locals off when you just see like it's like chip chantry it's like they see him like five times a week another like 30 minutes it's like dude we see him every fucking week yeah how was philly though it was fun man we're on right now what's up we're on oh we're on oh shit okay um oh we on huh yeah i love this. That's how we start the podcast. It was good, man. And it was like, I went down and then just went back that night and it really is, that show really is

a comedy crowd. So they're psyched. If you go out and you give a shit, they're into it. You know what I mean? You can win them over. Yeah, yeah. They'll be stunned for the first minute or so. I remember McKeever and I did, did show there years ago, like 10 years ago,

we did like bird tech show. And I always apologize to New York comics. Cause there was only like 75 people there. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. And New York comics were like,

thank you. Holy shit. This is the best thing that's ever happened. It's unbelievable. You ever hear about those stories where they're like, about like kids from like the Midwest or comics from the Midwest that have no idea

what it's like over here and they'll be like, yeah, we would do like the open mics and sometimes they wouldn't even get like 150 people. And you're like, what are you,

psychotic? That's like, when I'm starting out, that's like a dream show for me. What are you, out of your mind? My first three years was in front of three Swedish men.

One of the first men. I did, one of the first open mics I did was in, it was a bar, but you literally, it was this guy, Charlie Kaysoff. He had a show.

You were literally in the window of the bar performing to like seven people at the bar. So your ass was like out to the street. Like if somebody walked by and they're all just like behind you.

They're all jumping up and down. You're getting huge laughs all of a sudden you're like what's that what's this about like the worst good morning america the saddest crowd outside an open mic but the uh dude that's the thing it's like when you when you're here you're like I've performed for one person. I've had a conversation on Slick. It's just me performing for one person. So if there's more than 20 people at any show on a weekday, New York Comics are psyched.

Most of these good comics are psyched, I think. For sure. But it's out of control. So this thing was really good and whatever. So I went there and, oh, you know who was in the audience? And the girl who was hosting her name was sarah ferguson or sarah something she's like a short haircut i don't know if you guys know her she might be newer but in the audience was anisa from do you remember

yes she's all over philadelphia i see her all the time why anisa from real world i don't know she just lives in Philly. She's like a real world, like. Was that the light skinned? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. She looks like she might be part Asian or something.

Like she like, yeah, she's like light. She might be like, she looks like Latin-ish to me. How she, she was great. She was really cool. She was right in the front row, which was kind of weird because the host was like freaking out. She's like, I have a crush on this girl. I've known about her for years. Cause she's still on those people the people that are on those shows make they make like a 25

year career out of doing those those challenges and they just keep doing challenges and they somehow don't get in shape it's like crazy it's like their whole career is like stunts and challenges and they're like all the. What show? The real world. Oh, real world? Yeah. Road Rules Challenge. Jesus Christ. Everyone who was in like the first three or four seasons.

I don't want to tell you what I was thinking. A different world. It's a different world. What do you think? We saw Jasmine Guy? Listen, dude, I've been sick for like 10 days. What was it? Jasmine Guy was supposed to be what?

Like the waspy is a different world camera i have no idea who jasmine guy i never watched the jasmine this is like yeah and they try to make them really really like like almost like the like tough mutter type situation right where it's like they'll make it like the cave or the the the the the beast or the challenge. They've been doing it for, they do like three a year. They've got to be making like insane money,

but you're right. Yeah. None of them think like, let me get in better shape. Dude, they don't have to. Like in their mid forties. They have to be just tearing ACLs and breaking elbows and shit.

They are all fat. I just looked at this. Yeah. Dude, all they do is fucking athletics. Which means some of the challenges like eating what i don't like the challenges sit on your ass for two months what's the latest they still do these yeah i guess the latest version probably is that whatever that navy seal training is but i don't know how

many of them are in that yeah yeah there's a new're doing Navy SEAL training. Yeah, yeah. There's a new one where they're actually It actually looks legit. It's like Jamie Lynn Spears training as a Navy SEAL. Oh, that's on like a network one, right? Yeah.

The first time I saw it, I was like, this shit is so gay. And then I saw it one more time and I was like, it's actually pretty sick. Yeah. You zip line

and then jump out of a helicopter and do this? Yeah. Yeah. You got Weird Al doing like this. Coming up in a frog suit. Yeah, just doing that like old misery like log thing. Yeah. You got weird Al doing like coming up in a frog suit. Yeah.

Just doing that. Like old misery, like logs. But dude, the, but those, those, the,

the, the no frills ones are like the MTV ones. Cause you know what it is? MTV is also like notoriously cheap. So I'm sure. And that's what that came up with a whole project, right? Is that they were like,

how do we make a show without hiring a writing staff? Yeah. And they were like, let's find the dumbest teenagers on earth. And then make a fuck. Let's hold on to them like a movie studio in the 30s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You work for us until you're dead.

You live in a studio apartment. Isn't that how Theo, Theo Vaughn started? Yeah. Yeah, he was on Road Rules. Yeah. Road Rules. Yeah. I remember.

And he really, wow, he really got his way at it. Yeah. I remember the first time I saw him doing stand-up, I was like, oh, fuck this. Theo Vaughn's getting into it.

This was like 10 or 15 years ago. In my head, he was in like Dustin Diamond territory at that point. Yeah. And now he's like, great. That's what Anessa's

trying to do. She's trying to sneak into our territory. She's probably taking notes. I wonder if she was there for that. I wonder if she does gigs, random gigs where she does stand-up. Does she live in Trilly? She must. Definitely. For all those years, I was hiding in that attic

and I was on Tinder. I would always swipe her on Tinder. I would always match with her on Tinder. This is years ago. I would always match with her on Tinder. You guys never hooked up. This is crazy. Dude, she likes you.

She never reached out. Was it Bumble? What? She was on every single one as far as I remember. She's hungry, dude. We got to get her going. She's like, warm on that hook. She's like, want to train me for the next season

of The Challenge? Yeah, just doing push-ups. Remember when there was a whole... Do you remember when there was girls matching with Adam... What's his name? Adam Levine no on on on social media they were i mean on on dating apps they're matching with the counting crows singer what's his name oh god the guy that looks black but he's not yeah he's like jewish but he had like dreads for like yeah he's jewish but it's like how um

troy acheman looks like white Jay-Z. Did you ever see that? No. Dude, I'm sorry about doing this to you, but it's going to fuck you up for life. If you pull up, look up Jay-Z and Troy Aikman. They are identical. There's no way this isn't.

Show me the pic. It's going to fuck you up and every time you see Troy Aikman, you're going to laugh. Yeah. Let me see. Holy shit! Oh my god! It's unbelievable. Oh my god! I never thought of that in my life!

That's out of control! See? Oh my god! See? Hold over here. Let me see. That's stunning. You would never think that you see them when you see them individually. You have to put them. That's the craziest thing I've ever seen. Fans at home, check it out.

Pull over your car and look this up. Yeah. How? I wonder who's the black version of me. Is that real? Is that like a Mandela effect? That's real. Yeah, yeah of me. Is that real? Is that like a Mandela effect? That's real. That's just the perfect angle.

That's insanity. Yeah. I did one with Kenny. Ah, fuck it. I sound like my dad right now. What's the guy's name? Dan that's on the show. What were you just talking about?

We were talking about Troy Aikman and Dr. Dre. We were talking about Asa. Yeah, that's how I feel he looks like. He has like... Adam Duritz. Adam Duritz. And then apparently there was a whole... I don't know. I just remember hearing multiple stories

about him matching with people on Tinder. And then people just posting a picture of his Tinder profile. And it just seemed like the saddest. I feel everything, people just posting a picture of his Tinder profile and it just seemed like the saddest. I feel like if you're the lead singer of a rock,

but even if it is like a nineties, like, but they were like insanely famous. You should be able to kind of get laid on that Get on the fancy one.

But that wasn't for stars. His zone, his, the reason girls wanted to fuck him is because he was a sad boy. Yes.

So you can't make a Tinder profile that's like, fucking, who wants this dude? You're like, oh my. Somewhere in the middle of America. Me and Mr. Jones. I saw him on some documentary and he's

balding, but he's still hanging on to the dreads so he has like nah yeah I think he's got a shave head I think I saw him on Rogan he actually seems like

kind of a nice guy no he does he's a nice guy he seems like a very sweet guy I'll fuck him I'll fuck him he's gotta be set right you gotta

off that counting crow stuff there's no way Mr. Jones is just making money you'd think completely but all these guys always have sad stories. They're actually, no, I only got paid like 50

bucks for that. That's because there's another derwitz above them taking all this fucking money. Remember the, what was the one, Verve Pike or the Verve? Remember they had that song, Bittersweet Symphony? And they made like $12 off that song because these morons used a really faint rolling stones string oh yes and rolling stones like suit or their company

sued them and then uh for years i think they were making most of the royalties and only recently like okay now when it's only like in karaoke bars and like yeah wow when at the height of that song it was like rolling stones were making all their, no. At the height of that song, it was like Rolling Stones were making all their money. All the verbs money. Dude, Bill Withers is probably the saddest story I've heard. Which one's that? Bill Withers is like, stand by me.

No, I know Bill Withers, but what happened to him? His documentary. Is that a friend of yours, Bill Withers? Yes. My dad's great. Who the fuck is that? His story about how he's got like six number one hits and he has like no money yeah like his record deal was like fucked and he tried to do it on his own and like they took all of his royalties it's called still bill there's a great documentary out it's i highly recommend it's a bummer that's

always the worst they show him like he's in just like a recliner in like a fucking regular ass home. Dude has like bangers. Oh my God. 10 top 10 hits. Six number ones. That's no money. Back in the day, that was just par for the course, right?

Like what would you say? Like 40s to 50s? No, he was 60s, 70s. 60s, 70s. But still. Yeah. If you, and they still do it. Sign right here, boy. Everything's fine.

Make a deal in a lifetime. You don't have to read nothing, just sign. Make it stop. The show's about to start. Sign right here. I'm not a big reparations guy, but I would love to see the FBI start rating music executives and just be like, you fucked

Bill Withers. Just taking the fucking golden molars out of the teeth. Give it all to me. I don't want it all, baby. You want some reparations to Nazis really quick. Collecting teeth.

I didn't mean it like that. I meant like specific Nazi thing. I meant all of them. Just taking their shoes and making a pile. Tommy's like, I'd love to see them make a... I meant no rock on turn.

I meant no rock on turn. I'd love to see them make a lamp out of their skin. These executives. The executives. I'm just calling them executives. It would be cool if a billboarder just had an ear necklace. The executive. I'm just calling him executive. It would be cool for Bill Willers just to have an ear necklace. Jesus Christ.

He's in like Vietnam territory. One of their bones to his nose. So hardcore. All right. It was a little harsh. You guys are the first people I've spoken to in four days. What did you have?

Like the, what'd you have? I had a virus I caught. Was it a stomach thing? That seems to be the. What did you have? Like the, uh, what'd you have? I had a virus I caught and did. Was it a stomach thing? That seems to be the, no, it was everything else. Literally everything.

It was every other hole of my body. And it's so funny. Cause like when Tommy, when Tommy lies in bed, he, he keeps like storms on, you know, it just plays storms.

So it's just, every time I go to the bathroom, it's like, just pouring rain and thunderstorms just in his room. At like 5 p.m. Just like a sad goth girl. Yeah, yeah.

Dude. I'm with you. You do it on your Spotify? Because that's what I do when I go to sleep. I have a storm making machine. I do. It is a Doppler. It's what I do. I have a storm machine. I do. I'm a whole storm city. It is the Doppler.

Tommy just has a radar in his bedroom. I have this like, like octagon box that has like certain octaves and certain fans. Yeah. So that's, that's gone. And that's like, and I have like,

you could change the fan noise. Yeah. And intensity. And then I have my and I have like, you could change the fan noise. Yeah. And intensity. And then I have my regular fan because I need airflow. Right. So that has a high pitch. And then I have a rain

and thunder mix on my phone. Next to my bed. So you're just the danger mouse? Dude, it sounds like. Yeah, dude. It is fucking me. It's been fucking biblical. Siri,

focus. Daffy's going to bed. Put it on Armageddon. I do it on my, I'll just throw it. I'm the same way. I love it. I'll do rain and ocean sounds

and stuff like that. But I made the mistake of doing it on my Spotify. So what I didn't realize is it just puts it into the rotation of your Spotify on my spotify so what i didn't realize is it just puts it into the rotation of your spotify so i'll have a playlist that i'm just like oh hit this playlist and then that spotify sets up and then out of nowhere it's like calming sounds from the ocean it goes from like jay-z to like the raindrops on a tuesday

for at least three or four minutes you're like like, this is pretty sick intro. I don't know what this is. It's going way longer than I remember. I tried to switch. I tried to go like, where are the keys coming? But yeah, I'm with you though. I'm,

I'm the same way with that. No, I need it. I can't have pitch quiet. If I get caught in someone else's house and they don't have anything, I can't sleep. I just can't. I'm the same way same way if you sleep like in in zero noise it's the scariest thing you feel like you're in a sense sensory deprivation tank it's it's and i can't

take it to the point where i'm like oh am i at the point where i can't leave new york city living yes when i'm like if i moved even suburbs if i moved to the suburbs am i screwed for the rest of my life well you have you get actual nature sounds. It's the weirdest thing when you go back to the suburbs and you're like, is that real birds? Yeah. It's fucking crazy. I'm going to develop my New York ad where it's just like

Latinos on a stoop at midnight. You're going to reverse. You're going to reverse. You're going to run to the country. I'm going to go to the city. When I go to the country, I just want to let you know. Yeah, man, shut the fuck up. This is my sounds playlist. It's like, get about it.

It has flipped for me a hundred percent where it's like cities used to be kind of scary. And now the scariest thing is being like a cabin in the woods. It is like, like, especially if you're like not that far from a highway, it's like, this is exactly where they kill people.

Yes. And it's pop off murder. Hop back on. Nobody will be any's like, this is exactly where they kill people. Yes. Just pop off, murder, hop back on. Nobody will be any of the wiser. I'll just be dead. Yeah. The more true crime documentaries there are,

the more of those places become scary. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what it did for me too? What I realized years ago is, and I'm like, Oh,

I could walk in the middle of Brownsville, Brooklyn and not give a shit. I think. But if I, I went to Hollywood Boulevard, like first I went to Hollywood Boulevard. I'm like, I'm petrified. Like I'm scared,

more scared of like swatter kids than I could be in the middle. Dude, I agree with this. Yeah. Especially in LA because there's too many dreamers there for them not, you know what I mean?

They're scared. You know what I mean? But the homeless here, you feel like they've kind of given up. They're committed to the homeless scene, but you know, the homeless in LA want to be stars. So there's so much more dangerous.

I can be a star murdering this guy. You know, their dreams didn't work out. Whereas like the homeless in New York, you're like, they chose this a little bit. You know what I mean? Maybe they want it.

And they want the anonymity. When it comes to LA, you're right. They're like, Oh, I have a knife. There's a guy. I'm a dreamer. That's the best way to put it.

I would rather sleep in a homeless guy's tent in LA than strike up a conversation with a bartender in LA. That is the scariest fucking thing to me. Because they're just going to talk about business or like whatever their dream is.

Whatever they're trying to sell or whatever it is. Auditions. They're so typecast. You know exactly what they look like. They're pretty with nothing inside. You feel like you're on a CW show about the business? Yeah. That's everything out there.

We're going tomorrow. I've gotten a haircut a couple times out there and every time like I start talking to the barber it winds up where he's just wanted to be a musician

and failed yeah and it's just like oh fuck and they kind of just stay out there yeah yeah and you're looking at

your haircut from the side of them going yeah you suck at this too I don't know fix this I would never know I've never I've never once given specifics on a haircut.

Every time I sit down, I'm just like, yeah, just do it. Just a trim. What? I just say, do,

do whatever. Do whatever you think looks good. Yeah. But you, that's really, it's funny. Cause I, I just had a haircut in a story that did not,

it was a beard cut and the guy barely did anything. And he was like, yeah, I'm also a DJ. I race motorcycles. And I'm like, oh, you're not a barber. Like you're not. And at the end of the haircut, he said, thank you for your trust. And I was like, this is the scariest thing you can hear. Think how I'm bald.

Because if I actually had hair, I'd be like, what the fuck did you do to my head? Was it his first time? He might've been a haircut virgin. I have no idea. I have no idea, but I know I went and got it fixed and at a real barbershop that was way more expensive. And the guy was like, he messed up your hairline in the back. Dude, I look like this.

It's very hard to fuck this up. And he fucked it up. It was a while ago. But the guy had to fix, almost like he had to push back the boundary of my hair and he was like that guy completely messed up your hair he'd be a great

Pez dispenser with the meds with the meds it just comes like this the beard's a perfect thing take a Pez my stupid voice

take a Pez like that one I just watched a Pez documentary. That's why I said it. Dude, when you're sick, you go through all the fucking docs. It was about the history of the collectors. It's about this weird fucking

homeless dude who would look for very unique Pez dispensers and sell them at high prices boy they have run out of things to cover he went all the way to the pez he would he would try and sell them at these little uh boutiques or whatever at these festivals and then he saw this one lady hand this one guy a random ass pez dispenser and he's like where'd you get that? She's like, the Pez in Germany, the Pez factory. So this guy goes all the way to Germany,

finds this designer or this artist that's designing all these Pez dispensers that the US are not allowed to buy. So then he buys them bags and bags and bags of Pez, brings it back to America. And he was selling them for like 1200 bucks a pop. And this guy And he was signing it. Selling for like 1200 bucks a pop. And this guy was like

fucking killing it. And the Pez designers in America were like, we have to stop him. And they finally just made all his designs. He got hunted down

by big Pez. Guys, this is a dream, dude. Guys, I'm on NyQuil right now. I bet you. Yeah, Tommy's like, and for some reason

they've been storming the entire time. It's raining the entire time. Dude, I'm high as fuck right now. They were like noticing it in their books or something. They were like, what's going on? I'm attracted online or something. They found out this, they, they were selling, they were, it was illegal to sell these Pez designs

in America but they didn't sign off with the US customs they didn't create a contract with customs so you could bring it in and then sell it individually so everywhere else you couldn't sell Pez

in America but if you bought them could you imagine you join the fucking FBI. That's your case? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Illegal Pez dispensers. You can check this through customs. Guys, this homeless man is making a small fortune. We got a big case for you.

I'm only on a documentary, so just fucking comment. I got the Pez CEO ripping me off the hook. How about this? The hatchet homeless guy. What'd you think? I didn't know the second part of that story. I'll tell you right now. Yeah. He just loves killing people. Also talk about like that's a loving mom right there.

She did not want to admit that her kid was a fucking kid. She's like he just leads with his heart. What are you talking about? Just as vague as possible. He's very, very emotional. It's like, oh, you fucked this kid up. I remember even when the first time I saw that clip, I was like, that guy's

something seriously wrong with that dude. You were talking about the LA thing. The best is you see the difference between the quote unquote journalist when he's on camera interviewing him. He's kind of like this chubby sports guy who has the assignment for the day and you see the difference between the, the, the quote unquote journalist when he's on camera interviewing him, he's kind of like this like chubby sports guy who has the assignment for the day.

And you see him now and he's all like influencer looking, he's all like, he's all like six pack down. And he's like, dude, it changed his life. Yeah. He looks fucking great.

He's so LA. Cause he's doing it. And like in the first interview, remember the guy calls him from jail and he's like, it's Nico, right? Whatever that guy's name was. He goes, it's him right now. Check it out. I was like, nobody's impressed, dude. Like the guy murdered two people or almost murdered.

The only person picking up his calls. Yeah. It is wild how much, yeah, they went totally two opposite directions because that guy went from like a dumpy guy in a polo, an untucked polo to looking absolutely fantastic

in a nice house all you gotta do is you gotta throw that's what's surprising about these real world people you know usually if you see yourself

you know a little chunky you want to tighten up for season two you get on a fucking even a newscast my dad saw himself on the local news.

He's like, shit, I got golfed three times a week. I saw his fat face. Dude, yeah. You know what it is? They came full circle. I bet you if you watched the first couple of seasons, that might have happened. You're 20 years in, like a union job. Yeah, fuck it, dude.

You go back on Bumble. Yeah. It does, like LA bodies do bother me. Yeah. When you see them in like a period piece, you know what I mean? Yeah. It does. Like LA bodies do bother me. Yeah. Well, when you see him in like a period piece, you know what I mean? Like it's something that takes place in like the 12th century and someone's

got like clear yoga body. Yeah. Get this fucking person off the screen. He's ridiculous. No one had shoulders like that. Also like a girl's ass. Like it shouldn't be tight like that. It shouldn't.

It looks nice in a dress, but you can't bounce a quarter off it's got to have a give it's got to have a waterbed to it no i like steel buns oh god is that the name of your workout video for the 80s with a z if you're bruised like on the side of your hip after doing dog style for a while you know you can't have that that iron iron ass you gotta have you don't want the her to be jacked like her to be jacked is not appealing at all is that what you mean but you're a big workout guy i think i could be okay with jet i'm not a big workout the only reason i said that because i'm coming out of the gym twice that's what kind of like me. That's a big workout guy.

Yeah, no, I think I could, I think I could be down with it. Just a jacked. A jack. A jack lady. Not like full bodybuilder. No, like there's fucking the gymnast bodies where like you could see like the threading of the chest

and then it just goes to like a soft tit that's like tiny and that's all the squish they have in the whole body. Everything else is just fucking straight iron. I gotta notice it sound unappealing i know i know the contour of the grossness it's just like a little grape hanging off a fucking vine that's the only squish you get it's like my adolescent nipples yeah it's like you're it's like chris's teenage it looks like you're being molested by but dude i think you're right about the period stuff because it's true you're like nobody in that that time have you ever seen a painting from the renaissance nobody's looks like that ever in history nobody they were just trying to survive and they're like but most of the women were beefy yeah because that was like holy shit

you're fucking rich that's how it should be the guy should be fucking in good shape you know all the guys have been the lady should be beefy at home making bread and shit you know what i mean so he can come home and eat her dough you know what i'm saying baby jesus christ come on it's early afternoon you really are recovering i know dude i can't you really should wind up at the at the end of your days as just a just a horny italian man with a big fat cook wife and just 15 kids oh yeah praise yeah it's the point where his wife's gonna be like one of those ones that wears like like now wears one of those like the black sweaters and the head thing

and she's just yelling in Italian she puts an apron on takes her shirt off puts an apron back on so you just see the side tit through an apron you know what I mean that's fucking that's Italian lingerie right there you see the side ass through

an apron. Yeah. That'd be nice. A couple of barrels of flour. That should be, yeah, that's a good fashion show. Alright, let's do some reads. Chris, do the Groove Life. Groove Life. Show your new wallet. This is my new wallet.

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Because I don't like the messiness of other wallets. Yeah. You know what? I got this fucking thing from a friend. You guys want to call me Italian again, but this is the very simplistic. Oh, I like those too. That's what I mean. Yeah.

But I do like this because it's like waterproof. It's metal and shit. You, I like those too. That's what I mean. Yeah. But I do like this because it's like waterproof. It's metal and shit. You avoid having like the Costanza wallet. Remember? The giant Costanza wallet. Who needs all that shit?

Nobody. Yeah, especially nowadays, right? Not at all. This is a weapon. You probably could. Yeah, if you sharpen this outer edge. Yeah.

Oh, Peaky Blinders. Yeah. They'd be like, give me your wallet. And you're like okay perfect to hide

to make the wallet the weapon is actually genius that's a smart move they should sell a version of that that the edge is like a razor blade

make your wallet a weapon especially the more the more messed up the city gets which it's not as bad as it was New York City

but the more messed up it gets you know how much I'd want to have? Because you can't, you know, you can't have a switchblade like it's Crocodile Dundee or something. So you need that. That's what you need. They should do a secret razor blade wallet.

I bet you people would buy that. Have you ever been mugged? I know. I almost got mugged like three times. I think I like one time it was out of a movie. I like narrowly avoided. I was walking back to my house

in Williamsburg and this dude was talking to his friend across the street no problem and uh I walked hundreds of near buddies

teens all over the place I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always

I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always

I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always

I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always

I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always

I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always I've always grown. I almost got mugged 547 times. No, what really happened was I walked by these dudes who were talking to each other. And the minute I walked by, this one big dude goes to his friend.

They look at me. They look at each other. And he goes, all right, I'll see you. And he just immediately just like rushes behind me. And I can feel him getting closer and closer and closer. And I kind of hauled ass a little bit. And thank God my apartment was right there. and i just ducked into my apartment just booked it up my stairs and i looked back out of my side eye and he was looking right at me like he was gonna do something i used to live on kingsland and williamsburg and it was like there was a halfway

house across the street and a homeless shelter right across the street put it this way we hear gunshots all the time and one time we told our landlord, we go, go over there. We go, we go, we go, we sound machine. They're getting some sleep.

And I go, what's with the gun? I go, that was a gunshot. She goes, it's just kids. They're just playing. That's just kids.

It's just kids having fun. I'm like, oh yeah? I don't know about that one. There's been a couple of times where I'm like, oh, I think I narrowly avoided it.

Yeah. Have you? I know I will one time, but many years ago in Philadelphia. But other than that, I have never been touched. I walked through a lot of shitty neighborhoods. Dude.

I think my thing is this. I don't think I look tough. I think I look like too much of a hassle. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? I just think I look like, I don't, I'm not that big of a guy,

but I think I looked like, Oh, this might be annoying. This is more annoying than somebody. Well, you look like a dock worker. A dock worker will fight for anything. You know what I mean? Even if you had like one pail of like the tiny igloo that has like a fucking sad sandwich in it.

You know, your sad lunch. A fucking dock worker will fight the three kids for that. I'll fight for the rest of my sandwich. They got nothing to lose. Yeah, exactly. And you don't know that might be the last thing that he has yes catch a guy on the wrong day yeah absolutely that igloo cooler yes you look you know fucking holy grail an old frail man with those fucking those giant hands dude callous fucking hands that dude will rock your world i'm so jealous of those meaty paws. That's what I always said.

Same here. I have pudgy little boy hands. Those guys with just fucking thick hands. You can't even wrap your hand. The one knuckle goes sideways like a fucking... They can't even use a phone because it's almost like a gorilla using a phone.

Just mashing the screens. I wish I had them like sand dunes. You know, like they have like that big shape to them. You know what I'm talking about? Like it's a hill. Yeah. Yeah. It's just hitting your hand with a hammer all the time.

Like it's just deformed. Do you guys remember the age that you found out you had something of your, you ever realize you have something of your dad's? Like I full on for years, years i had a i saw a picture of myself and i was like i was probably 25 at the time and i'm like holy shit those are my dad's arms like to a t yeah you grow up and you you know every part of like your dad's or your mom like you know what i'm saying like i was like oh my god i now have my dad's arms and now i just look exactly like yeah exactly yeah that is the evolution he would be like he would do the same Yeah, exactly. I remember watching television.

He would do the same shit with his hands that I do. Same exact movements. The last time I was over his house, it was like, holy fuck. There's some times where you guys are watching TV together and you're both doing the same movements. I have that with my brother. My dad has perfect hands.

He doesn't bite them at all. My brother and I fucking just rip our hands on the thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. Have you, you made two maniacs,

two maniacs in the oven. I know I need, I need to get like one of those things you can play with the fidget spinners. I don't know. It's just something. They have like multiple fidget spinners. Now they have the ones you just pop the rubber thing. You're keeping up with the finish.

I'm on the scene, Chris. No, I just see the stories. The spinners and the Chinese warehouses were running out of ball bearings. Yeah, probably. Was that true? Remember that? I don't remember that. Rollerblades.

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So do that and get some fucking therapy. Get some fucking therapy, dude. Or you can just, you know. Or you can just gnaw your fingers off. Yeah, you can gnaw your fingers off. You can get a dog. You still got that dog

that looks like you? No, he's been gone for a few years. Oh, I'm sorry. It's okay. I miss him. He was a bulldog. Oh, I'm sorry. It's okay. I miss him. He was a bulldog. What happened? He finally got a job?

He's doing great. He got a pilot on the CW. Probably got a Comedy Central special. He got a Comedy Central hour. He got a Netflix special. He's got purple bangs. And now he's like, you want to show him Brooklyn?

Yeah, he's a different gender dog now he lived a good life though he lived a great life he was he was awesome he was a bulldog i miss him they but they don't last past like 10 or 11 years and if they do it's real bad it's dude when they if they do it's real bad he had health problems from two years and he had hip the hip thing they give him stuff for but the dude every it's one of the hardest things when when dogs go but i fall on like i'm a couple years later i'm like i would get a dog in a heartbeat again i'm like yeah i can't not i love having a dog i love having a dog my parents did this with my dad when uh they lost the family dog the family. My mother just got him a brand new puppy, which was like

it was a black lab. That's so funny. We did that for my dad. Yeah. Same thing. My dad was like, I don't have time for this. And the poor dog was just like by itself like down the basement most of the time. Oh no. Because he was working all day and my mom had worked. This was before they

retired. So I was like, why would you do that? You know? So they gave it to somebody else. They did. How many years was it at your house? Like three. Oh wow. Yeah.

And I was like, you gotta, this is not a life for the dog. Yeah. Poor thing. We had it where the, we got the black lab when I was years ago, named cutter named after Cuddy Sark.

Cause the guy who gave it to us was like a big Cuddy Sark fan. The boost. Yeah. The boost. But this guy was a breeder us was like a big Cuddy Sark fan. The boost? Yeah, the boost. But this guy was a breeder and it turns out, I didn't know this, if you have AKC insurance and you breed dogs

and there's a health problem, if you get the dog spayed or neutered, they give you back, the AKC insurance gives you back your money. So this guy, this dog had hip problems

and caught a really sweet dog and so he was able to get his money back and just gave us the dog when she was like two years old and she lived till she was like 13

but same exact reason after our first dog died a couple years later this opportunity came up so we got it from my dad and my dad loved the dog are you ready for a new one

I would do it in a second I would do it in a second but I can't I can't because I go too much if I move in I'm with a I'm dating somebody now

I might move in there I could do that in a heartbeat. She's there all the time. I would love to have one of those dogs that was well-trained and you walk around without a leash and be like... It only takes a year to do that. Six months.

I don't think I have it in me to do that to a dog. You have to be like Cesar Millan style or military style training with these dogs to make sure they listen to every... almost like brad pitt and once upon a time in hollywood he's like yeah yeah the dog's like running and doing jumping jacks i spent a year with a vishla and she she was like really well trained no no leash really yeah and you did it yourself sit at the curb before the red lights it was it was automatic? Yeah. Really? Yeah. She would walk when you walk,

but she wouldn't walk in front of you. Training is pretty easy. It just takes a lot of patience when they're puppy. You just be consistent, right? Is that what it is? Yeah. It's just, people don't want to put the work in.

No. And I just feel bad immediately. And I'm like, it's okay. No, we want so quickly get to that place. It was like, I just want you to be you.

You know what I mean? I don't want you to be you. You know what I mean? I don't want you to be like trying to fit into my life. Who do you want to be? Don't fit into my human constraints. Well, it's different dogs, you know? Bulldogs are notorious for not being able to be trained. That's the type of personality you are. You don't want a real dog. You got to get like a

fucking shih tzu. Or you got a German shepherd where it's like. If you get a real dog, you got to put the time in or else you're going to have a bad dog. Yes, people fucking New York They let their dog walk all over, you know, ten feet ahead of them all over the and you got to walk around like what? He's control your fucking dog. Yeah, because I don't know how they don't know how to walk a dog and that but I do like A dog that runs away like once every six months Like not a dog every time you open the door it's trying to like is this an analogy for a girlfriend

because we're coming up on my floor now i do i like a dog that runs away right my dog growing up was pretty good you could let him out in the backyard and he'd like he wouldn't run away like 99 of the time but every once in a while he'd just get i just gotta break out you know and he would fucking just bounce what do you think about this fuck he just wants i don't know he cut his balls off i don't know how hard he wanted well you know what it's funny you just said that we had ginger which was like a mutt when i was a kid and for years ginger would run away like once every six months yeah and then somebody saw my dog ginger convincing another dog to run away with her they were like oh went up to another

dog on its lawn and like like sniffed it and they both ran off but so anyway i love that but dude that's what's crazy my years later i never knew why ginger ran off i just didn't i was a kid i was like i didn't think that was like when i was a young kid we had ginger years later i'm at my house my sister my mom and me and my uh my sister goes that's like when ginger would run away all the time to go have sex and i'm like i'm sorry what what did you say she goes yeah that's why she was running away all the time she would go and fuck other dogs and i'm like how do you know that she goes she would come back with like dog semen on oh jesus christ yeah probably in my 20s when i heard this and it it ruined my world for like a year i could not stop thinking about this was your ruin my it was my my childhood dog I found that out later on. She was just getting cream-pied by all the ravenous dogs.

She was just filming dog porn. I like it that she was such a whore. Ginger was such a whore. She was such a whore that even dogs were pulling out. I don't think they were pulling out. I think her tongue was a little... I think the drain was clogged. She was like multiple dogs.

Ginger was like filling up the tub like multiple dogs. Oh my God. Filling up the tub. Dude, it ruined my life. I heard it. Yeah, she comes in the room. You're like, don't you look at me. She was way dead, but still filthy pig. You're in the memory of childhood memory.

I wonder if my dog started sneaking out because sometimes I would run away. Is that? I wonder if I was setting a bad example. Because my dog and I were peers. I bet. You weren't colleagues, but you were peers and colleagues. It was like dad, mom,

my brother, me, and Chet. Would you really run away? Yeah, yeah. I'd run away. How often? Every six months? Yeah. I don't know who's influencing you.

Me influencing Chad or Chad influencing me. Where would you go? What? Where would you go? Well, when I got like, I would just like, you know, I would just kind of like run off. I would just go around town. But then when I got a little bit older, once I got into like, like late middle school, high school, I would sneak out in the middle of the night and go hook up with my girlfriend.

That's always fun. Yes. That's not really running away. That's more just hormones. I had to get the bubbles out. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I would run away. And I remember every time I'd be leaving the house, Chet would be at the back door with me like, are we going?

It's like, no, this is a solo mission yeah yeah and it's i would have to be like you know really trying to just like don't bark you know when i come back you can't bark fuck me yeah where'd your girlfriend live uh about like a mile away maybe less that's that's far when you're like when you're like 14 13 14 but is there nothing that's worth it though? Because there's nothing else better than a 15 year old. That's the hottest thing in your life is when you first start looking up

girls and like a 15 year old makeout is the best thing. Poking around the panties. Oh my God. Yeah, it's unbelievable. And there's like that thing where like when you go out like on the town in the middle of the night and nobody's out there yeah it's the first time you're really seeing the world like everyone's asleep i could see

romantic chris talking about the moon i loved it empty streets still at night it's still at night i like it makes me ah just i get so excited exactly where Orion is. See that up there, Beth? Dude, I know where Orion's about. That's Orion. Come on, man. I did it once where I snuck. I was waiting. This girl I dated lived across the street from me, but she had a mom that they were so strict.

They would have to go to bed when it was like in the summertime when it was like light out. They would go to bed at like 730. Jesus, what, the fucking Amish? I'm just saying mom was real strict. See, this is what breeds whores. Yeah. Honestly, God, you're too strict strict they do drugs or they get fucked you're probably right tattoos early belly button piercings yeah it's like the rumspringer mentality right all the amish they

leave for rumspringer they don't come back because they get one little taste of secular society yeah they get that latin bird yeah but dude i went same ginger was still alive i was probably like 14 15 my girlfriend stop talking about ginger and i'm waiting i'm waiting ginger coming back to the house at the same time both filled with and uh this girl was in in for the night i was waiting for her to come and sneak out so we can go make out i she comes to the window and she goes one minute there's like a one minute thing and then i'm like awesome i don't know my mom's like all right sean come on in i'm like shit what do i do i go and i grab ginger i take ginger with me i made it around the corner we're making out

and ginger's just walking around us wrapping us us in the leash. But it was one of the greatest moments of my life. Oh my God. It was fantastic. Oh my God. It was awesome. It's yeah. There's nothing better. There's nothing better than a teenage makeout when you're just starting to do

all that. Yeah. Cause it's fucking inside of a heist. It's like, it's like the most erotic, exciting thing ever. It's like, like when so many things wrong. Yeah. It's like that. Yeah. Exactly. You're Catholic.'s like like so many things wrong

you're catholic you're doing so many things yeah and you're just like you feel like it's like not only am i gonna have some sex tonight but also i probably will be a navy seal at some point at how good i am at sneaking around absolutely my most of my nights before, before doing things with ladies was stealing one of my brother's shirts. That was, it's the night started in terms of like stealing stuff, like in sneaking around, I would have to get a polo out of my, my oldest brother's room and know exactly where it was laid out.

And then like, put it back perfectly, you know, with my cologne on it and just not say fucking work. Cause I wouldn't think I wanted to show up to the party with something like nobody else had, you know? But if he was it and just not say fucking work because i want to think i wanted to show up to the party with something like nobody else had you know yeah if he was if he caught you oh he did when and when he did it yeah yeah she is your brother is your brother big big guy uh no but he's a he's a union worker he's a he's a fucking maniac he's like the type

he fights still to this day also really when he Yeah. He's a fucking idiot. Yeah. He's great. No, he's a wonderful dude, but he's nuts. When you're young too, it's like, you've got a young person body.

You can't, you can't deliver or take any kind of damage. No, no. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like a little bit, but like a, like a certain one,

like who's at least is even like three years older than you can punish you yes there's a psychological fear and then there's a physical and then when they combine dude it's like it's fucking hell yeah it's like just jumping in a dryer and getting tumbled around when you're 15 like our 18 year old has union worker hands. It doesn't matter who. It doesn't matter. When you're still the age where your dad has like dad's. Your dad always has dad's training.

Yeah, my dad was only fucking 35. He was younger than me. When you're a kid, you're like that scene in Superman where he like throws the guy down the counter. Like, how are you doing this? Yeah, my brother did that to me once. He threw guy down the counter like how are you doing this yeah my brother did that to me once he threw you down like a counter or a table he hit no i i broke into his room to wake him up it was like we were getting to that age where like i would still get up early you know because i was like a little kid and he was like he was kind of like five hours yeah yeah

so like i would just be like get up you know what i mean and he wouldn't get up and i remember i went in and i just dunked water on him oh my god and he got up and out of bed so fast i didn't even make it to his bedroom door which no joke was like five feet before he grabbed me by my back like my shirt and threw me down the hall i i went all the way down the hall i like i landed midway down and then slid and hit my parents door it was like it was the most unbelievable thing that i i remember ever experiencing up to that point where it's like i can't believe how strong he is he fresh prince chip right out the door then my parents, I don't even know if my parents were up. They opened the door to me just like in a heap.

What the hell happened? Let me see that painting. I got to give this dude a shout out. What's the painting? It's fucking sick. I don't know. That's cool looking. This guy's name's Jordan Jones.

Yeah. Jordan Carl Jones. Paint this for us. I'm going to find a way to put this on the wall. Is this a screwdriver head or is it up for interpretation? It's for interpretation. Very abstract. Go to his site.

It looks like a zombie greeter at Walmart. Doesn't it? It has like a- Artist Jordan C. Jones. It's sick, dude. I'm going to put it on the wall. We need some contrast behind it. Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to cover the the label the Bobby Bobby Kelly label but we're going to try and get this up to you we do need to check in for how long

yeah it looks like he has like a like a Frankenstein with a retiree job his stuff is sick that's awesome Jordan C. Jones

go to his artist artist Jordan artist Jordan C. Jones on Instagram cool name artist. Artist Jordan C. Jones on Instagram. Cool name too. I wish I could paint. Yeah. I know. That'd be awesome.

I wish I had any kind of artistic talent. I know. That's why it's funny when they call comedy an art and you're like, all right, let's not go there. Yeah. Pump the brakes, dude. Yeah. Like it is, but.

It's so funny to do comedy every night and still be like, I wish there was some way to actually express myself. You got to wait till you come home and bitch. I feel like I don't have an outlet. You got anything to plug, Tony? Yes, I have a podcast. It's called Brand New Jerks. It's a podcast

for a covering people pleaser. It's really fun. We talk about everything. I do it with a super funny comic named Reza Wadni, who's from Pittsburgh. Not that that's Philadelphia, but it's every Thursday we have new episodes. So if you search into YouTube Brand New Jerks or you look for anywhere

on Spotify or if you hit me up at Shawnee Time on Instagram, I can tell you how to check it out. Recovering People Pleaser. You feel like you're not pleasing people anymore? I think so far it's such a funny way to describe slowly becoming unlikable i'm a recovering people what is the choice?

I think it's going to be more assertive. I don't think I'm assertive at all. Yeah. So that the whole idea is like getting more assertive. And I like when people are like, you ever see somebody be a confident dick and you're like, Ooh, I like that.

I'd love to have part of that. That'd be fantastic. Yeah, it would be. It would be. Yeah. To just, to just barge into places well so like somebody told me a

story about how somebody asked him to switch seats in a plane and the guy was like no oh no somebody had two bags you know like you want a plane and they have they're like now now you have to put your bag underneath this you're in front of your seat like you know behind and they were uh uh somebody had two bags there some woman and the guy came in late to the plane. He was like, whose is that? To the bag. And he goes, move it now.

And she's like, well, that's rude. He goes, I don't care. And then she was like, well, where do I put it? And they found a spot overhead, whatever it is. Yeah. And he was like, move. I have to get in there. I love this.

And she just kept trying to be like, well, you don't have to put it that way. And he's like, do not speak to me. It does not matter. It's my area. Like, I would love to have part. Yeah. I want to be like well you don't have to put it that way he's like do not speak to me it does not matter it's my area like i would love to have part you don't want to be a dick all you're doing to have part of me that's like no you're wrong like i have moments like that but overall i'm worried about what everybody's thinking i could do that in that situation because she's so wrong you know what i mean she's so egregiously wrong yeah you know what i get like that with comedy like after comedy that? After comedy shows, I become the king of

comedy etiquette. I will bestow upon you the rules of what you should have done during that show. You guys were just describing Hasidic Jews. What do you mean? That's all they do. What? Like when they get on a plane, they're like cover up your breasts. Don't touch me. Move that. Cover the television.

They're fucking animals cover the television yeah they can't watch entertainment show I would love for someone to cover the television I see

I want to get around somebody like this I never get that guy I would literally spend the rest of the flight watching porn on my phone it's not a matter of he's not

he's not a jerk he's right and that's him he's right but she's also right and going alright calm down you weren't here fuck face no dude no she's not a matter of, he's not a jerk. He's right in that scenario. She's also right in going, all right, calm down. You weren't here, fuckface.

No, she's not. She's using his area. Putting your fucking bag under someone else's seat is such overt psychopathy. She didn't think he was coming, right? She didn't think he was coming, but you don't jump the gun and do it in your lap. You keep it in your lap.

If the doors are still open, the last minute you can have somebody pop on that plane. So the balls on you to think that you have both spots for your stupid bags. Of course. But if that dude said that to me like that, I would probably say something. You'd say something back at him. Oh my bad, I thought you weren't coming.

Don't be a dick. Yeah. And then if he's like, okay, it's my area. But you probably, but here's the difference. He also wouldn't say it like that. No. To me. You know what?

You're probably right. That's a good point good point people like this they know who they're they're speaking to and they won't they they they you know what i mean they're bullies yeah but you wouldn't bring yeah but here's the thing in defense of him i think you would you would be like sorry my bad i didn't know you were coming right she kept going yeah yeah she didn't bring it up yeah he wasn't he didn't just keep saying no give me my area and he didn't bring it up he didn't just keep saying no give me my area if you kept bringing it up he might depending on how much of a ballsy guy

he might come back at you the I don't care thing is so funny what? I don't care I don't care is my favorite thing because he probably just missed

like his Uber probably got cancelled he probably didn't get Delta breakfast his wife probably talked shit before he left he got in an argument with somebody

like his boss before boarding the plane. He's like, get the fuck out of my face. I don't care. The closest thing I had to that was... It's the igloo lunch pail. It is. I was at a show once and you guys know Jackie Fabulous. Jackie Fabulous went up and this

woman in the front row didn't talk the entire show and then she just starts chatting with Jackie Fabulous. And Jackie's like doing crab work and doing good, but she kept trying to start jokes and this woman just cut her off with the legs right and afterwards i'm outside i might have had a couple drinks after the show and i'm outside in the hallway and the woman comes out and she just keeps trying to continue the conversation with jackie and jackie's like listen i okay that's great but i gotta go and she leaves and the woman turns and looks at me and I'm shaking my head in disappointment at the woman.

And she goes, what, she's not nice? I go, no, no, you're not nice. You fucked up. You should have let her do her set on stage. She goes, I was drunk. You know how it is. She looks at me. She goes, you're Irish.

You know how it is. I was like, I know what you mean, but that's not the point. You shouldn't have fucking done it. So I have my like weird moments of of a certain way i push my my feelings on people but i love the idea where it's like you're not even you're just have the right succinct like i don't care i'm not gonna be nice i'm not gonna be he's not being mean by doing it he's not being mean he's just being honest i just want to be more honest

i almost think it takes severe loss or something that like really fucking strikes you to make you to do that kind of stuff and just like totally like cut off all fucking app empathy. Right. You know what I mean? Like you lose a loved one. That's like all you matter that all that mattered to you. Yeah. And then you just become an alien.

Yeah. I'm just going to go by my rules, live selfishly and not give a fuck. Right. Right. I don't, I don't have the effort to be worried about everyone's feelings all the time. Your head could get blown off in front of me right now.

I would just go, fuck. I got to go get another shirt at the Gap. And we got to get de-bored and bored again. I know. They got to clean this guy's fucking brains off my computer. That's a special kind of, that's like, that's when you're just, you're just losing touch with humanity. I don't want that. I want a little piece of that. like that's when you're just you're just losing touch with humanity i don't want that i want a little piece of that that makes me just shut somebody down i want that you want like grizzled detective i want to get yeah i want to get to like 70 where i've

seen so many dead bodies i don't want to i don't fucking care about where i eat i think that just comes with age like when my dad was sick he didn't talk to his brother for like 20 years yeah right and i his brother showed up one time like my dad was sick he didn't talk to his brother for like 20 years yeah right and i his brother showed up one time like my dad was sick in bed in our dining room and then his brother comes and hangs out with him for like an hour and then he leaves to my dad after i go well it's great you got to see i mean this is my dad was done done with humanity at that point and i go that's great you got to see your brother after like 20 years he goes and not so much you just take it to leave i've had moments moments like that yeah when we were taking a

train to philly and the train got like basically stopped uh because someone died in the tunnel between new york and new jersey yeah and they were like we have to do an investigation it's like you do not need to do an investigation there's nothing worth investigating about that person's life or how they wound up there whatever that is you don't you don't accidentally get hit by a train in the tunnel under the hudson river yeah yeah you probably deserve it yeah yeah You're saving a baby. It's more important that we get these thousand people to Philadelphia on time than we figure out

how you wound up there. Also, you're on that train. Just leave Headless Joe Jackson to himself. You're on that train. How many people with you are just shaking their heads in annoyance? I think I was the only one. I think I even said it to Tommy and he was like, Jesus Christ, man. Take it easy.

Just get callous. Just get calm. You really do say that though. I hope when you'd really need to get to somewhere on time, you're like, I hope someone doesn't commit suicide today. Especially on Amtrak, dude. It happens like once every three months. Sometimes it happens all the time

when people get hit by the trains. I just had a kid from my high school got, they don't know the circumstances, but he got hit by a train. He got caught between the train and the platform. He was like kind of what you're talking about. Last time I saw him, the kid was all like, he was like big crackhead. Love crack.

He fell into one. In the article, they don't mention it at all. But in the article, they don't mention it at all. But in the article, they don't mention it at all. Mind the crack. And I was like, there's no way that wasn't involved in this. But I think if I was in a subway, I'm at the point where I'm callous enough. If I was in the subway station and that shit happened, I would just, without missing a beat, I would walk up the stairs and hop in a taxi. I don't think I'd be like, what happened?

Oh my God. I would just be like all right i gotta go and i would just go up the stairs definitely yeah definitely who's sticking around to find out i'd sooner stick around for fist fight than somebody with their head cut off oh i still remember i watch fist fights all the time they're fun back up and it's fun to watch on the train oh it's fantastic oh my god most of my twitter now is just so i've managed the algorithm to just feed me fights. Yes.

Three out of the five posts will be fights. I've searched on TikTok. I'll search Karens and then fights. It's always the Karens and the thank the team. You said your brother still fights? Dude, every time I go out with him, I'm like, dude, stop. He's like, fuck this guy.

He has a certain number of drinks and everyone's out to get him and shit. Every fight I've had has been because of drinks. But I haven't. I'm at the point now. I've done a lot of therapy, and I'm old now. I wouldn't do. It's so not worth it. It's so not worth it.

But you remember the bar fights back in the day. I got lifted up into the air once by some big Irish concrete worker, and he just started closing like on my neck. I couldn't, couldn't breathe. When was this? Years ago. I was probably 30 tops.

I was probably like 29 at the time, whatever it was. And so you're a big dude. What? You were a big guy. I was bigger, but this guy was about six foot three. Like,

I'm not kidding. I think he was literally an Irish off the boat, Irish concrete worker right gigantic guy and what happened was i was trying to be a good guy i saw him he had my friend my friend's head like in a headlock my friend ken everybody was beyond drunk at this point it was like two in the morning at this place called harefield road in brooklyn he has my friend and i i see it i'm trying to help my friend and i go behind the guy and i just punch the guy in the back of the head.

And then he turns around. And he grabs me by the neck. And he puts. I've never had this happen to me. Picks me up. Because I'm only 5'8". This guy's 6'3". Picks me up in the air against the wall.

Presses me up against the wall. And just starts closing in. And I couldn't breathe. It took four people to pull him off. And then he was outside. They dragged him out. They kick him out. And he's pacing back and forth.

Just waiting for you guys to come out. Just waiting for me. And I me and i'm at this point i'm so you're in the air ducts almost dying i sobered up and i go i go should i go they're like do not go so i find out everybody was so loaded that i find out that the reason he had my friend in the head lock is because my dumb drunk friend walked up to this guy and just slapped him in the face 20 whatever that was five minutes before that do you still hang around with this guy i talked to this guy but he also he was he was off his ass drunk everybody was just it was like a sloppy sloppy situation yeah but i almost i was like oh i almost died i full-on almost died yeah you start losing those friends at 30

yeah those guys that just constantly well he's all he's got a kid now he's married i don't think he even gets into fights anymore like shayner was one of those guys that like when he sobered up you're like thank you yeah because you always have like a cast on a fucking black guy missing tooth bloody lip and then he would have a story about the well this guy was being a dick it's like no yeah you can't be the cause yeah yeah it's gotta be you one of these 17 examples yeah dude it's there's always one of those friends that has like a fucking you know a neck brace on he's like this fucking guy who's being a dickhead to me you know the next week he's got a broken finger yeah it reminds me there's a great louis joke where he's like talking about like uh there's

like a lion and a giraffe and the lion goes up to the giraffe and he's like you ever see that guy living down by the the river and he and the draft's like what does he look like he's like he's like drafts like i know a guy who lives down by the river. It'll look like that. Ryan's clearly not aware that everyone's reacting to how fucking scary it is. All right. Can we stick around for Paige? Sure, yeah.

Yeah, let's do it.