Stuff Island - Stuff Island #66 w/ Ryan Donahue & Conner McNutt

Episode Date: February 3, 2023

Stuff Island #66 w/ Ryan Donahue & Conner McNutt - Full episodes also available on Apple/Spotify/etc. & bonus episodes are available on our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/stuffisland - Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch.. Each week they'll talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish & twice a month they live stream VR Golf and Onward with fans. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Thank you, and God bless Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

tommy sits on but he's not tommy what the i'm not gonna hate it yeah it's gonna be a real experiment this is a grand experiment yeah it's it really is i'm kind of excited about it i know it'd be like replacing ant viv but you know but if it was you know well i guess who would you guys be if you were fresh prince characters like who would be will and who would be someone's carlton yeah i mean i don't know or is it uncle phil and will not polished enough for me carlton yeah you might be will and he might be uncle phil uncle phil if uncle phil is white it's a very different show if he's not a black judge but he's like was a drunk yeah was that was that a problem wait wasn't the mom a drunk for a while on it uh i didn't watch every episode i'll confess

no i don't think aunt viv was much of a drinker maybe the original aunt viv who i think they had some some beef with the show. Yeah, yeah. She was, I think, yeah, I don't know what it was, some ego shit. I don't remember the details. Why the original Aunt Viv got canned. Oh, Aunt Viv? Yeah.

Are you talking about this again? How long have you been talking about this? No, he just won't shut up about it. He's always talking about it. I have invisible mind strings set up in my fucking apartment. That broke your heart as a young lad? Yeah, I'm still trying to put the pieces together. I've written by hand so many letters.

Still mind-posting, only for this reason. Now you should be able to deep-fake it back in. Yeah, you would think, too, that Will would have some time to read them, given that he has to reflect first. But is that the go-to move for black actors just like to do a movie where you're like uh doing something racially based after you fuck up publicly do you think i don't know because he put out emancipation after that tank yeah yeah no i never was saying that about that movie but it's like you know how long it takes to make a

movie yeah yeah it had to be they filmed that like two or three years ago yeah you know that makes sense that is really why but it was just really funny timing right here he's like this is why yeah uh there was probably a lot of people on the phone with him you wouldn't slap him you wouldn't slap him after everything he was dealing with a lot of that role there was definitely agents on the phone with him after and be like, everything's going to be fine. A couple months.

It's still cool. You just have to say Mass a few times. That's all you gotta do. It'll blow over. Yeah. My buddy is a comic in the UK

and he had this like very salacious moment in the tabloids where he was on there dancing with the stars, which isn't pathetic to do in the UK somehow. Really?'s a oh strictly swiftly come dancing or something like that maybe strictly the most uk yeah yeah yeah but he he and his dance partner kind of like

fell for each other but she was married to one of the judges on the show and so they were like having this like thing and they were like making out publicly and someone took a picture and then it went public and uh it just i guess the uk was up to some fuck shit politically at the time it feels like the right thing to get the judge back to objectivity in some way right because it's like in one like for the first couple rounds she was probably getting like an unfair advantage oh because her husband's on the panel right sure yeah so now he's gonna be objective now that he's fucking his life yeah yeah i guess it's more just let's really get into this well this isn't a good podcast subject

swiftly come dancing over the headline i was making yes so it was all over the drama fancy a waltz uh you know i gotta get into it no but the point i was making is that his his agents told him to say nothing and and then uh and he said nothing and they just they just kept eating it and eating it and he was like, they're like the guy that everybody hated in the UK. Like people like scratched out his face on this, on the wall of comedy clubs and stuff. It is crazy. That's nuts,

dude. And then he did another reality show and just was himself. And they're like, we love you. We've always loved you. And now he's fine. That's pretty sick. Ruined his life temporarily.

It always makes it seem like the UK tabloids are worse than the US tabloids. And I just, I'm not buying that for a second. It kind of makes sense if you have a queen. They always make it seem like the UK tabloids are worse than the US tabloids. And I just, I'm not buying that for a second. It kind of makes sense if you have a queen. Yeah. It's also an entire country that is like the size of Texas. True. True.

So it's like you are enemy of the country and it's just not that many people. That's really true. Yeah. It's like a small town like mentality inside of an entire nation much easier to control yeah yes you know what i mean like their opinions of things are very like you know you can get texas to believe that vaccines are bad or whatever you know it's like everyone in the uk like loves the royal family yeah like unanimously they love the money family she's on the money yeah exactly I heard Liverpool

hates it look man I said a thing and I have no backing for it whatsoever I just kind of speak it out of my ass but um

I heard Liverpool hates it I heard they were saying Lizzie's in a box oh no that was Ireland I thought was it? I thought Ireland

was fucking yeah Ireland was no that's a super Irish thing to say yeah Lizzie's in a box is so badass Lizzie's in a box Ireland was fucking... That's a super Irish thing to say. Yeah. Lizzie's in a box is so badass. Lizzie's in a box. Lizzie's in a box.

Yeah, that's a very Irish thing to do. I thought the more working class parts of the country were not thrilled about. I feel like London loves the Queen. I don't know, man. Because the poor parts of America love the president. You know, when it's their guy.

Yeah. Yeah. When it's their guy. Yeah. But they don't like the queen. Well, no. They've never had one. No, they did.

They did. They wrote him a letter. We said, no. That's the war. And America was like, no. No. No no they got everyone together and they all signed a letter saying we don't like queen that could do so at some point that was effective now you see i had to unsubscribe from change.org because they're like we need to stop this director from not being handicapped in

a handicapped movie and i'm like stop guys this isn't the change that we need right now and you need five million signatures for what so someone can laugh at all of us yeah did change did signing all that stuff ever change anything i i find that hard to believe yeah what that it ever did like petitions do anything. Yeah. Well, it's, a petition is just to get the bill in front of

somebody, Congress. Yeah. And then they just go, no. Yeah, yeah. Yeah,

it's hard to imagine too when they're always like, call your senator, call your congressman. There's no way they're picking up the phone and being like, oh,

fuck. I gotta listen to this. Dude, this guy's really fucking mad at me. Yeah, yeah, no. How many calls can we get?

They probably don't even check those numbers. They've never once been concerned about that. Well, you know, I never really thought about it like that, Eileen. I'm going to have to speak to my colleagues about this. My constituents. The idea of them actually being concerned about their constituents is so comical. Colleen in New Brunswick brings up a good point. In our democratic society.

Dude, that was the shocking thing about that one dude. That one dude is lying about everything. What's his name? Sergio Ramos or something like that. I didn't know that you just don't have to live in the county that you represent.

Some reason that was the most shocking of the things to me. Here's the thing about me. I don't know that you just don't have to live in the county that you represent that's some reason that was the most shocking of the things to me you're thinking about me i don't know anything dude no but it's like you should have to live in the place you don't you can live in like buffalo and represent somewhere in like long island that is insane that's crazy that's kind of it's even wilder when it's like cops that don't live in the neighborhood they're policing like they live in like a suburb that's like every cop yeah exactly yeah well why would you you know yeah if they knew where you slept yeah that'd be bad get them boys yeah that you're right that makes more i the only thing stopping them from like following a cop home is a toll yeah you know they're like ah fucking 1650 i'm good i won't kill this cop tonight it's true.

Those tolls are expensive. Oh, yeah. They'll get you. Here's the thing about tolls. No, I'm kidding. You know what's been pissing me off is we were in LA this weekend, and I stayed at a hotel, and they don't have toothpaste in hotels. Like at the front desk?

No, just in the room. They'll give you tons of lotions and shit, but it's just like, I don't, nobody uses that, really. Some people maybe. A lot of people do. You know what? I don't need 10 different types of soap. Just give me toothpaste.

What hotel is... Don't you think toothpaste should be in the fucking room? I do, yeah. Okay, first of all, relax, all right? Dude, it's got to be in there. Every hotel I've ever been. Okay, first of all, relax, alright? Dude, it's gotta be in there. Every hotel I've ever been in is just like shampoo and like a bar of soap. Yeah, well, yeah, but sometimes you get

a little bit nicer ones. Ten different lotions. What the hell? Yeah, where are you staying with this stuff? This is where your Patreon running goes, ladies and gentlemen. Even the one bar of soap and whatever, still just put a shitty thing of toothpaste in there. I totally agree agree with you yeah yeah but did you get it from the front desk no i never have time for that yeah well i've actually asked the front desk for toothpaste

and they've said no to me before and that feels egregious that's crazy yeah to just not because also it's this combo of you can't bring it on a plane because it has like three ounces of fluid in it and you're a terrorist. And so that's not good. Someone told me you can drain, like if it has more than three ounces, you can drain two ounces out. Let's say if it's five ounces. There's a guy with a beaker and a gun.

There's like a little weed scale. They'll put it on there and be like, all right, that's 3.1. Do they do that at the airport? That's what I heard. I've never played. That's what I heard. I've never played. That's what I heard. I heard how long it would take to get through security.

Dude. You know what I just realized? I put my beer in the freezer, and if I leave it there for the whole podcast, it'll explode. That's what we got at the producer. Oh, hell yeah. Nice. And that's the only reason why. Yeah, yeah.

To get beers out of the freezer. All our guests accidentally. That would have been hell if I, you know. Have you ever left a beer in the freezer and it... It explodes. Yeah, yeah. I usually just set it out, let it warm, and still drink it. That's cooler.

Even after it explodes? It doesn't lose any flavor, right? But it just explodes. Like, I've seen the can, like, fully explode. The top pops off, but it's like... Wait, you went and got a banana? He here with a banana I was like are you telling me to go fuck myself

it's like yeah here's your beer from the freezer it's okay you fucking monkey enjoy that why does that keep happening that's the second last time when last time Robert Kelly was here and he was like, do you have a lighter? And he went to go get

a lighter. And he gave him a banana? No, he came back with carrots. Come on, man. You came back with carrots. You know carrots on a lighter. A lot of produce. You're just trying to offload. I got fucking lost in there, man. I don't know. Yeah, you could have your car keys, or have you considered keys?

Danish? Jesus Christ. We're currently stocked with peas. I don't know. But yeah, that hotel thing must be real tough on you, huh? It was. It's stressful, because I always need toothpaste. I just forget it.

And then I got a call down. It always takes. I'm always in a rush getting out of the door i never have like did you stay in santa barbara the whole time you were there no no just one night and then i just i crashed on joey avery's couch for two nights i uh was santa barbara is fucking insane it's too nice beautiful dude it's so nice i didn't know it was that nice at a community college there that have a view that is fit for kings.

It's, yeah, it's no joke, like paradise. Have you been? Yeah, yeah. There's a big, because I grew up in LA, there's a big thing where like the loser kids in my high school would like go to community college in Santa Barbara. That's the move. Because there's like, I just, I don't want to be here anymore. Are you shitting me? Yeah. There's like multiple

cafes on the beach. And you just sit in beach chairs and like... No, it's fucking awesome. It's insane. They used to have this like giant party every year. I can't remember what it was called. It was like Dell something. But once a year, some of my school would go up there and get arrested.

Yeah. Like they would throw trash cans at cop cars. Dude, if I went to college there, I'd be dead. Is that where that lady from your school, from your high school made out with everybody? What was that story? She made out with you and then your friends

said, remember what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah, that has nothing to do with this. Sounds like you just want to embarrass me really badly.

I just want you to tell the story. I like your story. Chris hasn't heard it. I mean, yeah. I think she did hear the story. Yeah, yeah.

Did I tell you I don't know it was not even that crazy of a story but I was just like I was drunk at a party one time when I was 17 this girl

I made out with the girl was like one of the first few girls I ever made out with I was so stoked on it I was like hell yeah dude and then this guy Doug came up to me

to put his hand on my shoulder he goes what does my dick taste like and I was like what and he's like she just blew me in the bathroom.

God damn it. Are you happy, Ryan? Yeah. I'm so happy. Dude, that's how I lost my virginity is someone who. No. It was like my girlfriend. And then she like blew a dude.

Like we broke up and she blew a dude and then came over my house afterwards and we like fucked for the first time i lost my virginity it was yeah wait wait you blew a dude and then she that i would feel better about no what happened so she blew a guy yeah and then they broke up yeah she went to a party blew dude, then came over my house after the party. And we like hooked up in my basement. And that was the first time you had sex? First time I had sex. Yeah.

That's good. That's good. You don't want the first time to mean anything. I think it's good. No, it did mean something. No, no,

no. It should scar you for life. Yeah, yeah. It was horrific. The girl that I lost my virginity to, God bless her, wherever she is.

I knew that she had, she had taken the virginities of like six or seven guys before I lost my virginity to her. Well, that's all right. She was like a year younger than me and I was like 16. And she now has, she had a kid at like 17. Oh, they all do.

Yeah. Oh man. Yeah. How's she doing? Every lady just has- Do you still check in with her? No, I deleted facebook during the pandemic because i was just like this is getting insane i'm from a crazy place so people like publicly like

if carl brings meth to the parties ever again in my barn i will fucking shoot that motherfucker and then like a bunch of people like his mom's commenting like don't put this on the internet you're better than that and then like other people are kicking this dude facebook is the best it's the best place in the world i know just it's just people being like i'm fucking done with the drama bro like it's it's always about drama it's just like just leave yeah dude you can just leave right yeah dude it's also like it's it's exactly like they're always posting those things where it's like it feels like they've been in a breakup that's lasted like six years where it's like how are you still posting like i gotta respect myself kind of like posts you know what i mean if someone doesn't love you then that's their problem you know what i mean like that's like we know this

is for you you know yeah it's like just text your friend. Jesus Christ, dude. No, you said it best. You were like, as soon as you like go candid on the internet, you fucking lost. You lost, dude. Yeah. I'll never be sincere once in my entire life on that fucking place. Never once, dude. Yeah.

My dad could die. I'm not posting anything, dude. No, no. You can't. Just kidding. I would. You would post about your dad? You think so?

I think so, man. That'd be gay as hell, dude. You know why? Because my mom would like it. Oh, all right. That's why. as hell, dude. You know why? Because my mom would like it. Oh, all right. That's why. You know what I mean? My family would like it.

I would do it for them. And in that moment, she would probably need something to like because she just lost her husband. Totally. Because she's on social media. Oh, yeah. My parents are great on social media.

Are they really? Dude, it's so funny. Also, Mike Racine, his... Doing this bit that i just found out about a couple months ago but he's just friends with my mom on facebook and comments on like all of her posts i was just scrolling through my mom's facebook one day and my mom posted a picture of a sunset and mike christine was like beautiful sunset kathy and i'm like what the fuck and you probably saw that one.

You were like, that's kind of funny. And I was like, he's commenting on all these fucking posts. My mom is. He's just sitting there with his kid. Has she met him? Does she know who he is? No, no. My mom loves it though.

She loves any interaction. Is she liking all his comments? Of course. Yeah. Oh my God. No, she posted a photo of me as a baby on Halloween one time. And it was like, Connor on Halloween, he was seven months old. And Mike commented, he was like, that's so crazy because my baby just turned seven months old.

And I was like... I think this is candid attempt at friendship. I think he really likes my mom, you know? Yeah. Cut to Mike like, I'm just sick of the drama. I can't do it anymore. It's kind of suck when your hometown is like New York though. And you're in that circle of it.

Cause then there's a bunch of people like, no one's moving to my hometown in Rhode Island and like pursuing acting or whatever, you know? So you're just... That's the weird thing about where I'm from. Cause I'm from like Los Angeles, but it's like a small town in the city of Los Angeles but that small town

like mentality exists anywhere yeah oh yeah like there's people who've never left Bushwick and they push like that all the time and you're like just go to Times Square is right there you can go see it you can go to Times Square that's my big selling point for New York you can go hang at a Times Square

me and Mike Leibovitz might change Square. Me and Mike Leibovitz. Might change your perspective. Me and Mike Leibovitz took mushrooms after CYSK a couple weeks ago. And we went to the park near my house at like four in the morning. And there was just this guy there who was crying in the park, like talking to a statue. And we were like, oh, this is not good. And then he's like, hey, oh. And then like came over to us.

And he's like, saw that we were near a tree. He goes, you see that right there? And he points to like a knot. And he goes, it's fucking cancer. And and he's like saw that we were near a tree he goes you see that right there and he points to like a knot and he goes it's fucking cancer and then mike's like what he's like yeah in the tree that's cancer bro and we're like all right man and then mike goes well i don't know if it's cancer i'm like mike just let it be we're high on mushrooms right now he's like i think it's benign i mean it might be a tumor but I don't think that it's can't you know and I'm just like dude fucking get out and he just kept being like bro I was here before that fucking tree when I was that tree was this tall when I was here bro and just started giving us

like townie stats on this park and green point I was like oh man you are a Rhode Islander like you're totally where I'm from but no i do love that townies can exist anywhere yeah it's awesome because like someone's gonna pass him on the street in like a 400 t-shirt that says like balenciaga or something it's like crazy that those two things coexist but don't ever mesh yeah he's just gonna he's just gonna stand next to the cancer tree and ruin that guy's day yeah no he really wanted us to know that it was cancer, and he would have literally fought my life. That is definitely not tree cancer, right? No, I didn't think so.

I don't know if trees can get cancer. Why not? That tree ate too many Skittles too young in life, and then it proceeded to smoke cigarette vapes. You know, I guess they just have, like, rot, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's got to be different kinds of rot. I bet there's, they can get a virus.

Oh, there's all different kinds of rot. Yeah, a tree with a virus. They got to be able to, yeah, this is why this would spiral a mushroom trip for me is I would start thinking about this a lot. Yeah, that, no, that guy was, it was, but he was. Was he crying about the tree?

Did you ever find out what he was crying about? No, and I was afraid to ask. I think he was just like, it was dawning on him that he, life had passed him by. If I had to guess, it was like, he was having a moment where he was like realizing like, Oh my God,

I don't know. This guy doesn't sound like the kind of guy that has those kinds of introspective thoughts. I don't think he's standing there being like, you know, man, I missed a lot of opportunities in my life. You know, there was that one time I really could have pursued my dream.

And I know that tree's got kids. I don't think that goes to thoughts flow together. No, no. But I think it's more, it's like, he's crying. He's like, I could have done his tears away from like a no way he's wiping his tears away from like, a dream deferred and then being like, fucking, I will fuck you, bro.

You guys gotta know that that tree is sick. Yeah. It's a sick tree. I've been on this tree since I was a kid. That's nuts. The tree is dying.

Sure, I could have been there for my kids, but I wasn't. And that's fucking cancer, bro. Yeah. I do love those dudes that are just like, I just love when I know it's not that's fucking cancer, bro. Yeah. I do love those dudes that are just like,

I just love when I know it's not the issue they're screaming about. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like when a dude, when like a dad is losing his mind over something

and it's like, this has nothing to do with the actual thing at hand. You know what I mean? Oh, no, it never does. My dad lost his mind at a Subway sandwiches when I was a kid.

It was unbelievable. About what? It was like the first time I realized it was like, there's something bigger here. So when I was a kid, I don't know if you guys remember, but Subway sandwiches, they used to have like a,

a bun instead of a roll instead of like a, like a sub for the kids sandwiches. So it was like a, it was like a bun, like a, like a, it's like a bodega roll, but it wasn't like the six inch.

Okay. You know? And, I don't remember this. You don't remember this? No. So the kids meal was like a, just a roll,

you know? And, with no meat or lemon. No, no, no. You would just get a turkey sandwich inside it. You're a fucking idiot.

Come on, it's a sandwich. That was stupid. Jesus Christ. That's what I thought. No, no, I'll take a,

I'll take a two to foot long and a piece of bread for the boy over here. Dude, that's what you're going to sound. Now, my son is a peasant, and he's going to love this. Does anyone want to rape him while he's waiting for a sandwich? That's what you made it sound. Unfortunately, it only has one asshole. Basically, what you just said is a kid's sandwich is a tiny sandwich.

It's a tiny, but it was like, because you get six and a half, the kid's meal now. Is this critical to the story? Yes. Yes. It is, it is the crux of the story. Okay.

Okay. Okay. So he was like, how big is this roll? So he goes to the guy making a sandwich. He goes, I'm gonna get two tuna subs.

This is for me and my mom. My mom. And he goes in a, in a turkey kid's meal. And the guy goes, okay, yeah, no problem. But the thing is, we're out of rolls for the kid's meal. So it and my mom. And he goes, and a turkey kids meal. And the guy goes, okay, yeah, no problem. But the thing is, we're out of rolls

for the kids meal. So it's going to be a six inch sub. My dad's like, that's fine, no worries. The guy's like, well, I just got, you know, I'm going to charge you

for a six inch sub. And my dad was just like, that's your fault. You know? It's not my fault. You're out of the roll. And the guy's like,'m sorry i don't know to tell you i have to charge you full price for a six inch sub and my dad to this day is banned

from the subway sandwich like he was screaming knocking chips off and just screaming it's just fucking bread why can't you charge me the same it's all fucking bread what the fuck is this like literally knocking chips off the rack, screaming. The guy was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And that was like the first time

I like saw my dad in a moment like that. I was like, this can't, this can't be about bread. There's no way. Like something's going wrong. I don't know, dude.

I think it's about bread. I don't know how violent he got though, but I mean like, I was screaming. Can you see it over there? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Oh yeah. And you were just over there yeah okay yeah oh yeah and you

were just sitting there and being like i'm starting to think people have pretty dramatic internal lives yeah yeah yeah what do you if you had to guess what do you think it was about probably the business he ran or something like that you know but i just lost it yeah that's dope yeah my dad would lose it about anything one time i made the all-star team thank you very much in little league and uh but we were told to go to the place uh to the little league field for 11 o'clock on a sunday to give my birth certificate so that we could all register for the team and uh we showed up a little before 11 the guy had already left so rather than just be like well i'm sure it's in the state of rhode island that the guy had to go uh to and and i'll

i'll just find out where to go and i'll bring the person to myself my dad decided to um hate that man for the rest of his life and like to this day it's like oh that motherfucker and it's just like dude this is it you need to hate people like some that's some people's fuel though yeah it's like dad's like boycott a thing you know oh yeah they need an enemy in town it keeps them going you know like oh for sure that is trump to my dad i think my dad like secretly loves Trump. Yeah. Because he's like a diehard, you know, liberal, like classic Democratic liberal. But it's like he's alive when Trump is president. You know what I mean? Like him on Facebook, he was having the time of his fucking life.

It's like my dad is Batman and Trump is Joker. And he's like, they need each other. That's Stephen Colbert. I truly think Stephen Colbert is actually that guy. Dude, I think most like late night hosts are that at this point. I think they're fucking bored now. I think they are Trump, but they just are. They're so mad at him because they're the same thing and they hate themselves.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And that's a losing game, dude. I feel like. Like you just can't. I wish you were just on cue to say that about anything. That's a losing game. It is.

It is. Trying to, just trying to out Trump Trump anything. It's a losing game. It is. Just trying to out-trump Trump. That is a losing game. Yeah. Dude, trying to out-trump Trump is just... And now, what do they even do on those shows? What are their monologues? What's my favorite thing to watch?

Stand-ups who made their whole act about how Trump was bad during that four years. Like once he was no longer president to like realize that they, they didn't have any more. Yeah. I'm just giving myself to this man. I've claimed to hate. What was her name?

Is it Sarah Cooper? Is that the, Yeah. I mean, she just disappeared. Right. I know. Yeah.

I don't even know who it is. yeah yeah she's doing like with lip sync trump speeches yeah and then got a netflix special oh that's insane boy that is so i do like to think that they just put her back into cryo sleep or something you know i mean just later down dude i think the only way and then trump announced three he's running again she's like he comes out of sleep you know what here is it there's a whole secret legs don't work yet someone in the cia is like wake the only way to say cooper it's like when godzilla gives other like let them fight you know the only way to fix what comedy is in terms of that like that's a netflix special worthy thing it's like if we could just do that with everything where like someone's catching fly balls on their instagram

and then just goes pro because everyone likes their form and then they have to play a real game and just be awful like but that's the thing with stand-up it's like you could just be awful live but no one it's only 50 people at a time that are learning that you suck yeah totally and so you can you can really do that and take their i was talking to a asian after the after a show on on monday and he was literally like yeah i kind of think of it as like bank robbers you know like there's just someone who's hot online and i and we just go in there and they're selling out shows and it's like you just escape town with the money before anyone realizes that you're a fraud and that's definitely cool man i actually respected him for being straight up i was like that is insane dude that's so funny one way road to sad that's guy is gonna wind up yelling about trees having cancer that's a losing

dude yelling about trees having cancer that's a losing game, dude. It's like, yeah, the whole reason I live my life is just one little bank heist. Yeah. That's not going to net me that much money. Yeah. Yeah. I get 10% of it. Instead of doing something cool like robbing a bank, I'm just, I've got a hot Instagram account.

It's Fushions11 and the heist is signing Sarah Cooper. That's the whole. That is is it i got 11 guys they all have different ones got a pen the other one a paper it's literally like an agency yeah yeah mission impossible style movie a crack team of managers yeah yeah mission is a mission impossible style movie just about like an agency trying to get like a TikToker on HBO is like, that'd be an incredible movie. Yeah.

Like it's literally impossible. And Tom Cruise is like, we'll see about that. Yeah, yeah. But then they go there and the people are like, yes. There's the safe.

No, no, we were going to do that anyway, actually. So yeah, here's a bunch of money. We were thinking you didn't have to make a movie about it. We could just kind of let this happen and, you know, all go about our very way.

All right. He's got to do his ads. Yeah. We're doing ads. Feel free to chime in if you guys have any personal experiences. Sheath. All right, guys. Let's take a moment to thank my favorite sponsor of all the sponsors, Sheath Underwear.

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This is the only thing that I wear. Do you really? I do not wear anything else. Well, they sent me a bunch and i don't know where but what no i wear them what size are you medium can i have some i think i'm a large i got big ass dude i got big you're a large yeah do they have a separate nut pocket yeah hold your dick and balls it's for the sheath yeah it does it does it it's a little weird at first but you do get used to it it's kind of nice I don't separate my dick and the balls.

I just separate the balls for me. But is that an option? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a plus. I feel like you have to have a pretty massive heart. That's, I mean, like, the guy who made Sheath is just like,

what do I even do with this thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not my problem at all. There's, like, one of those things for a garden hose. Yeah. Just, like, roll it up. You can roll it up, yeah. Every time you hear my voice, every time you see my face, I'm wearing them.

Just know that I am in a wonderfully comfortable pair of sheath boxer briefs. Their stretchy fabric is made out of a moisture wicking technology. They are super soft. They keep everything cool and comfortable and right in place. Sheath is particularly useful for staying cool. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It does.

It does help. It does help. You know what I love about this ad read is that I believe you. It's really awesome. Yeah, yeah. Well, dude, I will say that it is nice. It keeps your balls off your grundle. Yeah.

I don't know if you guys have longer... I got small balls. I've been sitting on my balls this whole time. Never a problem I've ever had in my entire life. Yeah, well, you might bag out in a little bit. Do you think I'm 19 years old? I'm just saying.

They only move in one direction. I think I've got the balls I've got for the rest of my life. That's when you get with Botox. Doc, I want a smooth sack. Yeah. I used to be a guy who just went and bought a six-pack of Hanes underwear. Didn't think about it at all until she sent me a pair of their underwear. I put it on, and it was like I could never go back.

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Dude, I have bamboo sheets. Those shits are comfortable as hell. Yeah, dude, get some bamboo underwear. Dude, I would be insufferable if I had bamboo on my wall. Every time you see Chris's face. Every time you hear my voice. No, that is fat cock. Jungle of bamboo.

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It's gotta be coming. There's gotta be, they're already making fake faces. I was just making fake standup clips. Did you see those? Those AI women on twitter the other day no someone like made like ai generated like tits i mean dude they are hot as hell really but it's like but none of them ever existed no they're not real people but it's just like it's like and i

it's like it's like hentai but like in like a real flesh like humanized okay go on i have a thought on this and dude the amount of people like quote tweeting those pictures being like, man, it's over for women. We got AI now. And it's like, bro, you were never in the game.

Like that's the saddest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. I know. I know. What an insane. I don't need these women who never wanted me in the first place now.

Yeah, I'm sick of human pussy. I want a machine. Who, I'm sick of human pussy. I want a machine. Who the fuck? It is also just like, it's just an image. It's just a picture. Yeah, like by that logic, it was over like Pornhub. Yeah, it's like someone showed this guy porn.

Dude, he loses his fucking mind. Where do you see what's out there, dude? There's moving images of women fucking. So when we were out west, I was noticing a lot of the billboards. It's like a lot of women kind of look like Kim Kardashian. They're getting similar fillers and they're basically just like, they're going in there

like it's a tattoo book, man. I'll have what she's having. Totally. And the mom tattoo is like the whatever. Cheek lifter or whatever the fuck. I don't know what the terms are. But it's like you're slowly becoming more plasticky as people and then like when that's the standard of hot then we go into ai bitches and now it's like you're kind of like i guess kim kardashian could be seen as the bridge between human women and ai totally yeah right yeah yeah

it's literally like the star wars where it's like it's more machine now than man you know what i mean it's like he gets that first fake hand and then it's like it's just darth vader in no time i constantly think about like if you just showed like chloe kardashian to like a pilgrim oh my god they'd be like that's that's not i don't know what that is that's not a human being though they'd be like i don't know what that is but i'm gonna give it a small box yeah they would probably be super horny i don't know because it's such a gradual build is it though it's such a weird connor the pilgrims were the horniest people i know totally but like you get to see ankles no human being looked like that you mean oh i know i know so they'd be like they they't even get to see ankles no human being looked like that

you know what I mean oh I know I know so they'd be like they would think it's another species for sure yeah but they would think it was another like

hot species like a hot alien came down yeah yeah like what the fuck is alien for sure yeah yeah but they would be like they'd for sure be like

that's not a human being okay wait I have a question I have a question an alien descends from space and it's like crazy titty ass alien descends from space and it's like crazy titty ass wild alien okay go on she's like yeah you know like she's like giving you the business do you smash i'm yeah of course you pull out a condom and she says no it has to be

well i mean i like to think that i probably possibly i couldn't possibly get her pregnant no i know but she could give you. Like fucking a dog. I'm not going to have a baby with a dog. That is a lot like fucking a dog, Connor. That's a good point. That's a rare enough situation that I think you just see what it takes you. Even if it's self-destruct, it's like, what a better way to.

Even if it kills you, you're a legend. Yeah. If you hear about how Chris died, he fucked an alien. He exploded. That's the coolest guy that's ever lived yeah no that is cool it's probably pretty good i i'm yeah i don't know i think i would i think i would yeah maybe i would die fucking an alien i'd at least try right you'd have to you'd be so confused by the situation and so horny that you would you'd be like a pilgrim scene it would be the exact same thing yeah yeah yeah i think they would i think they would be like that's the hottest person i've

ever seen they may come up i think like the aristocrats would come up with some like moral objection to the way she was dressed and then they would rape children yeah yeah of course but the common folk i think would be like that's incredible i want that i wonder man what was the deal they put big asses on dresses i guess you're right 1800s at some point trying to recreate that i guess the same look with makeup you know i mean yeah you know but i don't know i think i think there's like yeah dude i mean because their alternative is like these ladies had little teeth they're you know they had a foot in their vagina like i'm sure it was a mess to have sex yeah i guess what i'm saying is like the that beauty center didn't exist yet true so they don't even

those women weren't ugly to them i mean i think they were they were all hideous you're right i know but there were other i guess guess that maybe you hadn't seen people from other parts of the world that would have had those features. You know what I mean? Like if you're a killer. No one had teeth. You think they'd be scared?

No one had like nice teeth. No, I'm not talking about teeth. I'm talking about like ass and titties, you know? Yeah, I think if you saw... If a regular girl just had white, straight teeth, I think they would be like, holy shit, that's the hottest person I've ever seen

I think they would be like that is unbelievable maybe they would be a little bit scared how does that happen maybe that's some type of actually poisonous thing no they would think it's like an evil being from the bible

this is Satan tempting me. Yeah. They would just assume she's like young and young was good. I think they were having sex with kids back then pretty regularly. Yeah. You're really stuck on this fucking kids.

I don't know why. I mean, she's such a viral sensation now. I mean, I have to imagine that that like society would turn on her back then and kill her or something. It would definitely burn her at the stake. Oh, for sure. All right.

So it sounds like you fucking agree with me. Yeah, but they still want to smash. Yes. I think people would think that she was so hot and so unbelievable. And that makes them feel bad about God. Yeah. And it would start ruining the town. You know what I mean?

And they would have to take action. I like that. I like that i like that i like that it's like the original version of like clearing your history bradley yeah that's what she's a witch burn her was yeah that's funny that's true no one can know about this elite rock it's like slow loading God. Do you think that's coming for dudes at some point? What the? Like male enhancement? Yeah. Or just like cheeks, special cheeks. I mean, there's already guys doing that kind of shit.

Yeah, dude. You know what's weird is I think a lot of guys. But it's really on the margins, you know? I feel like there's a lot of girls now are doing. Most girls I know get Botox. Yeah. So it's like. Most girls you know. Most girls I know have it. We're know have like yeah i got filler in my eyebrows really yeah yeah get rid of like wrinkles it's not expensive

anymore it's like a pretty accessible thing a lot of people are doing it man it's lip fillers like most girls you probably know too they're like yeah i got yeah it's happening everywhere i find it um it's gotta be bad for you i mean dude, dude, I'm not, I'm so vain that I probably would get like Botox in my forehead when I, if I start getting wrinkles when I'm older, I'd be like, ah, fucking. No. To say, it's like, it's the equivalent of like dying

your hair four years ago. You're in like a psychological race against the clock then. You gotta, you gotta like overcome whatever that is before you get to the place where you're putting Botox in your forehead. Dude, you're in danger. No, but I think a lot more guys. You're in danger. Are you going to dye your hair when you start going gray?

No. Are you going to dye your hair when you start going gray? No, I think it'll be kind of cool. I mean, I already have a white eyelash. What the fuck? I wonder about it. My dad's been dying his hair his entire life you know or since i was alive you know so i'm like do i just naturally also do that i think a lot of dudes are doing

it more than we know like even comics that are older that are like not in that like glam world at all like still do like make their forehead shiny like i gotta say like uh make their forehead shiny yeah like norm's newest special He's like 50 something in that. And he has not a single wrinkle on his face. He's getting Botox. Yeah. A hundred percent. That's kind of what I was thinking,

but I don't know that to be true. I don't know. Maybe he's like guys like Nate Bregazzi too. It's like all of a sudden they look incredible. Yeah. Maybe he's doing something. It's like you're dietitian for sure. But it's like,

it turns out water is really good. Not that I'm blaming Nate, but I'm not saying he's doing that, but it's like most celebrities who all of a sudden at 55 look better than they have. Yeah. They've gotten some work done. Yeah, definitely. You know? Definitely. I mean, I would like I would probably dye my hair. I quit the sugar cookies.

Sorry. Go ahead. It's also like, it's like the same thing though. It's like whatever becomes more and more like socially acceptable. It's like years ago getting veneers was fucking weird as hell. Now, the second anybody gets money, they're getting brand new fake teeth yeah yeah and that's just gonna that's just gonna naturally climb its way to like fillers and botox and stuff like that for men also i want to say oh sorry teeth i'm on board with because they're kind of better than real teeth

you know yeah totally it's like it's like adamantium teeth. It's like your real teeth can get cavities and bacteria can mine into them. For sure. You get veneers. It's like they're unstoppable. Yeah. Do they? I think.

I don't know. I can't confirm anything. I don't know. You still got to brush and floss, but you're in way less danger. Do you, though? I think you do. I don't know.

You do. They're fake teeth it's true but you got gums though and gums and heart shit are connected yeah like if your gums are unhealthy or it'll go right to your heart can you yeah i guess you can floss veneers too i like when guys just let a no tooth ride you know i don't i think it's dope here's my thing i hate ugly people it's fucking gross no i think it's fucking sick when people don't care that like my my uncle steve had a he was in putting a log in a wood chipper and it like spit something back out and fucking knocked his tooth out and like you know a week later or two weeks later his father passed away so he's just at the wake like with one tooth and like it was he you made it a bit and he might never see those people again you know but he

didn't give a shit i was like that's someone else doing it i i would never in a million years just let one no i would feel bad yeah i used to i had experience with acne that was so bad that i was like if i if there's anything on me that doesn't feel like it's me, I don't like that. I feel like I'm not representing myself. And having no tooth would be one of those things. See, I'm caught between a place where it's like, I would dye my hair, but I don't trust myself to do it thoroughly.

Well, you get it done. That I can't do. Why? Because you'd have to sit with tinfoil on your head under one of those things go into a store and be like and and still even then even if you got it done i'd let a little much time too much time between each session go by and i get like roots and i'd feel like fucking insane dude also there's something to be said for the silver white roots i would fucking blow my brain yeah no a guy with different color roots no that's insane crazy you're just better off just letting it be what it what it ever is if

you're not gonna do it the way you need to do it just fucking don't do it at all it's it's 100% or nothing i suppose dude not me I'm going 50 down the pipe. Just you sitting in the chair with the tinfoil just shooting yourself. You guys are going to see me in 15 years. I'm going to have giant fake teeth. The chin. I'm going to have chin implants. I'm going to have fake calves.

Chin implants. That's a thing? Yeah, everything's a thing. All body mods. You can do whatever you want to your body, dude. You can put chin implants in your shoulders you could if you want to just look on your shoulders what's the the horns in people's skulls that's what i'm saying you can do whatever you want if there's people have you seen that don't make themselves look like fucking demons yeah but it's like what what is that is it metal that's it's probably metal it's a mental disorder yeah that's what it is definitely

it's like have you no perspective you know it's like they're gonna like you're gonna be old with horns yeah you're gonna look like an absolute fucking idiot yeah that's what i think when i see someone like mgk or whatever and i just picture him being 85 and it's just all like fucking saggy weird tattoos and i'm like that but also saggy weird skin is gross yeah I know you're sure people get tattoos and having them be old with tattoos whatever yeah I don't think they're really prepared for how weird that's gonna look though you know what I mean

the whole body's gonna look bad no matter what that's the other part of it but you could be hydrated and have tufts of hair in the right places and look cool but it's one thing if you're covered in tattoos and you lived a life as like a sailor or like a but it's one thing if you're covered in tattoos and you lived a life as like a sailor or like a biker or something but if you just like fucking did graphic design your whole life and then you like you're fucking 90 years old and you're covered in tattoos that was

your rebellion yeah yeah your kids are gonna be like what the fuck this is dumb yeah that's so that's weird and the horns thing there's gonna moment. There's going to be a moment where that guy, you're brushing your teeth somewhere in your 50s. And something, right. And you're just going to be like, is today the day? Like every day you're going to look at yourself for at least, I mean, hopefully it's not that long, but it could go on for 15, 20 years. You're like, I need to take these horns out today.

I mean, you got to think that like those guys who get like the horns and like black eyes like they have to be like asexual rights oh i don't know dude ladies like horns really yeah ladies are super into horns dude women write love letters to serial killers like they like weird shit yeah i don't understand what that is sometimes serial killers are good looking. This is awesome. I know. But I think they're into like the mystique of like, how did, how long did he take to die?

I think this is, this is one of those like evolutionary things where, you know, like when Darwin found like the really long flower and he had to be like, there's a moth with a super long tongue. I feel like you see a guy with horns. There's gotta be a lady. You always reference that.

I don't know what it is with him in the long flower and the super long tongue moth. Really? That's his go-to thing. It's the signature evolutionary example. Yeah, yeah. But I swear I don't say that all the time. No, I know. He's that chilly.

It's like you're on a big attack. We all have one. It's at subway sandwich oh man I don't know man I just can't imagine like a woman being into that at all I mean I know they're out there

but it's just like who even is that what into horns yeah it's probably the woman with like the split tongue and like also has like fucking lizard eyebrows or something yeah my cousin said well i don't need to say her name but my cousin uh she she's like like there's a guy that is from my hometown with a split tongue and she's like he's fucking hot and i'm like what yeah i guess yeah that's nuts he's a good looking kid but he's like

you know got horns and a split tongue and his horns, too. No, he has gauges in them. But it's like it's a lot. It's a lot of stuff. That guy's got bank heist mentality. You know what I mean? He's like he's like, I'm going to get as much split tongue pussy as I can possibly get. It's only going to last for five years and then retire. But then I'm like, then I'll be just weird and everyone will be like doing real estate i guess there's no cool way to be old like because i thought of him being like 80 being like like with a split tongue and i'm like that's kind of lit kind of awesome yeah so it's like a tatted up old man yeah also i'm sure the guy with the horns is gonna look

fucking awesome when he's like having an open basket and you're like, here's my grandfather, the lizard and rhinoceros in real time. Yeah, you really got to commit to it though. How do you stay like, what do you do as a job staying cool as the horned

guy? You have to be like a real. You have to be a tattoo artist. Yes. That's the only job you have. It is true. You have to do tattoos for the rest of your days yeah that's the only job you can have yeah or just like work at a warehouse but even that's horrifying for everyone like if you hire that person you are putting everyone else in danger yeah you're gonna be a line cook those guys always look insane yeah you can't be the horn guy with like black skin and black eyes as a line. Yes you can. No fucking way dude. Dude I've seen the chefs that I've known in shit restaurants.

You're conflating sleeves of tattoos with what I'm thinking of. No I literally know a guy who had like this, I mean, I guess a curly mustache is not the same thing. Yeah that's the same thing. To me it is. If you're curling, if you're waxing your mustache and big curls or you have horns you're the same guy that's what i think when i think of a chef ryan what are you talking about what the curly horn yeah like it's a cliche like this is a horn ass thing you're you're wrong he knows i'm right no it's a little of a horn ass but it's but it's more that can just be a fail like that can be cut the next day yeah know i guess horns but i mean you're

in the back you got to be back of the house something you know i don't think having horns you really have to be able to kick everyone's ass to have a curly mustache right because someone will just try to cut it right like the moment if you were kind of a bitch and you had a curly mustache someone's gonna try to cut that i would say% of the people who have curly mustaches are a bitch. I would say that's very true. I don't know what you're talking about. They've made a decision in their lives, like, I'm a bitch,

and I like this mustache. Who are these enormous? All that is. I'm just thinking they're in, like, a black tank top, like, fucking... No. No, that's what it used to be. Now it's just, like,

bartenders and, you know, like... Same with tattoos. I mean, most people that have a fuckload of tats are like baristas kind of like not like they you know pulled it out of the book and they were like I like the one that says mom with a heart it's really like 2008

like hipster remember when mustaches were huge and they had that tattoo of a mustache on their finger and they would do that oh wow that's fun that's a fun time. That is kind of fun. I was in character. I'm sorry.

But you grew up in a trendy place. I didn't grow up in a trendy place. You grew up in Los Angeles. Yeah, but I didn't grow up in that part of Los Angeles at all. So you don't think this would have come your way quicker than if you grew up in Harris part of Los Angeles at all. So you don't think this would have come your way quicker than if you grew up in Harrisburg, fucking shit, Pennsylvania? No, I grew up in Greenwich, Connecticut.

Oh, alright. You're a Connecticut guy? Yeah. Oh, wow. It's trendy. I guess there were people who were trendy. It's a huge town, so it's like there was people that were trendy, but my a huge town. So it's like there was, there was people that were trendy, but my friends weren't.

Yeah. Mine, mine either. Dude, I literally was like, I was like, if I just wear like regular pants and this oversized white t-shirt, it'll never go out of style.

And you're right. I remember that. I had a phase. It was just jeans and white t-shirts and and loafers i used to wear loafers during baseball games yeah unpleaded khakis sneakers and an oversized t-shirt and i was just like i'll be a cartoon character yeah yeah yeah you watch the episode doug where he opens his closet and you're like yes yeah exactly that's what i want doug yeah yeah doug's not going anywhere Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you watch the episode Doug where he opens his closet and you're like, yes.

Yeah, exactly. That's what I want. Gene Doug. Yeah. Yeah, Doug's not going anywhere. Doug's going to be around for what? Doug will be on TV for 45 years. Yeah, I mean, I didn't, the style when I grew up was just like, we all wore like, we went

to those Dickie Outlet stores and we all just wore blank t-shirts with a white t-shirt under it. That was a big, yeah. White t-shirt under, little collar showing, black t-shirt, Dickie's pants or jeans or whatever. That was the whole thing. And that was it forever. And then there was the dark age of like, I'm younger than you guys, but it's like the fucking

Diamond Supply Co and Famous Stars and Straps. That whole area of like, I'm in middle school and my friends have like naked women on their t-shirts. What? Yeah. It's like cholo kind of art kind of thing. Like Chicano art. I know what you're talking about, but it's just like a woman who has like a bandana for a bra and she's like,

dude, and you're, you're in 12. Remember those chump t-shirts? Do you remember those? Yeah. It said chump and it was like a guy, but he had no face and it was a circle and he had a little tuft of hair and it would say, it was like an and one collab.

And he would say like, even my mom thinks you're a wimp or whatever. That never made its way to me. No, no. See, that's what I mean. I think LA would, you'd have at least a one-up on what was going on uh in the stick so i remember what like the edgy shirts that i used to wear we like we would go to the biggie i love an edgy shirt yeah it was like we would go to the biggie fair and like my brother would buy t-shirts that i didn't understand and then i'd wind up wearing like i wore like a black t-shirt that had like a rabbit on it. That was like, just said, I'm so stressed out.

And he was like popping pills and like his eyes were bulging. And I remember my gym teacher being like, you're stressed out. And I was like, yeah, I didn't even know what, I didn't even know what the word meant. You know what I mean?

I was just like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I just thought this was like, cool. When I was in first grade, when I was in first grade, my dad was gifted this shirt.

So I was in first grade. What year was that? It was not too far after 9-11. And my dad was gifted this shirt that was a photo of George W. Bush. And his eyes were bleeding. He had blood pouring out of his mouth. And it just said had stopped me before

i kill again and then he gave it to me and told me to wear it to school what yeah dude i got suspended what we're talking shit about the president just a kid wearing a political statement shirt like that is insane i'm in first grade and i'm like the president's a fucking murderer i'm in slices and handball you know i had no idea what that shirt meant i just knew it was like funny because my dad hated republicans or whatever but oh yeah i know what 9-11 was i mean like yeah i would just happen i was in first grade so it was like it just happened the shirt was hot off the press i thought i would just think it was cool i thought it So it was like, it just happened. The shirt was hot off the press. I thought, I would just think it was cool.

I thought it was cool too. Yeah, it's just like a bloody, like I wouldn't even know who the character was. I would just be like, oh, this guy's like scary. You know what I mean? Someone's probably also wearing

like a Marilyn Manson t-shirt to school. You're like, how is this different? This is the same. Yeah, the teachers lost their fucking minds when they saw that.

They're like, what the fuck? Did they stop you like before you even got in the building? What happened was, I was literally was i was at recess i was playing handball and i took my hoodie off and i had it on and like the the the yard teacher was like what is that they like called me in the principal's office and yeah and you're just like i don't know i was like i don't really know it's fucking sick though. Dude, I always wish in those moments, like when I was a kid that I got in,

when I got in trouble, I was just like, I'm in fucking first grade. You're yelling at a first grader. When I was in kindergarten, when I was in kindergarten, I, this kid was sitting next to me, this kid Aaron,

and he kept putting his hand on my lap. Yeah. Which is dope. These are all right after other tragedies. And he kept putting his hand on my lap. And I kept being like, stop it, Aaron. Don't do that anymore. And he kept doing it.

And I picked his hand up and I go, if you don't stop, I'm going to take a gun to school and I'm going to shoot you. And this was right after Columbine. Dude, you got his ass. He was scared. I didn't know. I don't know what a gun is. I'm in kindergarten.

I'm four or five years old. Yeah. And I get sent to the principal's office my mom has to come in and there's literally a cop standing behind the principal showing handcuffs like this like they're going to arrest a four year old my mom lost her mind

she's like what the fuck is this intimidation tactic on my sweet little boy oh my god I love like small town cops that like to like really fucking let you know what it is you know yeah dude there's a nothing kid you don't know that they're just a fucking loser asshole yeah yeah yeah you think there's like now i've fucked with the law in my in my hometown they uh the police station is literally a library that like got repurposed

as a police station. And so these guys, and they have like a tank because they, you know, every town with no violence needs a tank, you know? Sure. And, uh, so there's this family that's like known to be like doing, like doing pot, you know, as a cop would say. Yeah. And, uh, and so they, one of them got pulled over and he had like an empty bag of weed on him

and they brought him in and then like weighed the bag and it was literally 0.0 grams of weed. Like it was just like a little bit of dust. And so they had to let him go. And then when they let him go, he was crossing the street in this one horse town and they arrested him for jaywalking.

Like busy day today, you know, and they arrested him for jaywalking. They're like, busy day today, you know. Got the biggest criminal in town. Caught him red-handed. I swear these people just start becoming cops because they still have grudges that they can't get past from years ago. Oh, absolutely.

Imagine being able to pull over your ex's mom and be like, well, cunt. Remember when you didn't let me have those snacks you wouldn't want to sleep in the same room dude I did a fucked up thing that made me remember it

I was in third grade and I was just we were like underlining I don't know if you guys ever did this but but like we would just underline like important word, like with a purpose or just pick a word. It was like, you're trying to pick out the important parts of like a parent of like an essay or whatever.

And it was so good at it. I do. It was so fucking, I don't, to this day, I like, I never got a hang of it. Dude,

I used to just i remember you just find the longest words you know like this probably yeah yeah yeah that's got to be a big one yeah uh and i remember i was so bored i'm in fucking third grade i'm like i'm just i can't take it anymore so i took scissors out of my desk and i started cutting the girl's hair next to me she was like turned around looking at the the whiteboard or whatever and i was just cutting her hair and then she turned back around obviously and her hair was like all over how much hair it was not that much but it was enough that it was like it was it was significant like how did you cut? Do you remember? Oh, I was cutting. That's a lot of hair.

That's a lot of hair. But it wasn't, I wasn't deep in there. Not that much hair. Just like four or five inches. I just changed the structure of her skull. It was all over the desk, dude. And I remember. It wasn't that much hair.

Let's just say she looked different though. She was like, what the heck? What's going on? And my teacher was like what the heck what's going on and my teacher my teacher was like and looked at me it was like chris you just cutting casey's hair and i was like nah very smart she was like she was like how did the hair get on the desk then and i was like i don't know, maybe she has cancer. Because I was like, I didn't know anything about cancer.

Just knew that her hair would fall out if you got it. Did you ever think about that, teach? He didn't get cancer. And I just, he's just getting bigger issues here right now. Just immediate detention. And that was like, that was one of those things that was so weird that i did and i was in so much trouble that i like when i got home i don't even think my parents talked about it because it was just like i don't know like they were like i don't even want to pick this scab what you cut a girl's hair and said she had cancer like i don't even want to know

where that came from or what's happening just don't do it again like it's just you know it's like it was like something so creepy and weird and it's like they don't even investigate my mind yeah yeah all right something that you need the show is sponsored by better help when you feel empowered you're more prepared to take on everything life throws at you therapy can get you to that place, all right? You can stop talking about sex with kids.

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I think there's a stigma with HelloFresh that it's all healthy food. The burger I've had off of HelloFresh that it's all healthy food no the burger I've had off of HelloFresh is fucking unbelievable dude the food is good the food is good yeah

it's so good big fan I stopped doing it because I'm poor and I would let lots of rot in my fridge because I'm depressed

and shit like that but if you're a healthy mental if you use BetterHelp HelloFresh dude yeah if you've got is mental, if you use BetterHelp, HelloFresh. Dude, yeah. If you've got- Is the program for you.

And pay with your Ridge Wallet. Also, if you've got- It's not Ridge Wallet. No. Groove Wallet. Groove Wallet. Better than Ridge. God damn it.

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That is fucking nuts, dude. Yeah. Oh, my God. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Stuff Island 21 and use code Stuff Island 21 for 21 free meals plus free shipping. What? That's actually. That is actually.

I'm not kidding. I didn't. I'm shocked. 21 free meals is crazy. Yeah, that's insane. Do you have to like give them your balls? No. No.

21 free meals? And then you can just, can you steal from these people? Dude, what do you mean? It sounds like you're already doing it. Dude, we don't need to steal. This is highway robbery, dude. Stuff Island 21 code and you're like, you're fucking 21 free meals? That's not. It's unbelievable unbelievable that's most of the month that's a yeah

I don't eat yeah you get one meal a day it's not most it's also a lot of the meals are for two I'm a snake a lot of the meals are for two so you can get can I sleep I guess it is most of the month yeah oh my god it's America's number one meal kit for a reason i'll tell you that uh

yeah that's it that's the that's the read hell yeah dude yeah nailed it that's gotta suck if you're a parent and you have a kid that's like doing off shit. And you're like, Oh no. Like the cook was bad. One of my, one of my coworkers the other day was just telling me that he used to kill animals growing up. Which is like,

yeah, like shot a hummingbird through its neck. And then I like, he told me one time he hit a snake with a bat and then cut the snake open and like took all of its innards out and he's like the most normal cool guy and i was like that's serial that's like hacky serial killer shit and you're like he's like yeah then i just like lost interest in it one day he was explaining to me like a his his perspective on it was like yeah it was like taking apart a pc

you know and seeing how it works oh my god like, God, no, it's not. What are you talking about? It isn't. But he was like, it was really curiosity. It wasn't like I wasn't trying to kill the animal. I just want to see what was inside of it. And I'm like, yeah, I like as long as it doesn't, it doesn't tip over into mammals. But he was killing squirrels.

He was killing my gophers and shit like that. That's not good. How do not good kill a gopher you gotta be seeking to kill a gopher sure they don't they're not coming up to you this guy was out here he was trying to kill animals yeah how did how did the exchange go did there's no chance that he saw the expression on your face there's no way you saw the expression on your face as he was saying this he was like no no no and then i stopped no i think i i think i told him like i think we saw roadkill i just met this guy it's a new job i got we're in a truck together and uh i saw roadkill i was like uh and he goes yeah i don't know dead animals like that they don't really like uh they don't really spike in the inside of me and i was like what do you mean he's like i don't know i just like i don't really feel that bad and then he's just like yeah when i grew up i was just like killing animals and

he's like i stopped i don't do it anymore was he in the woods like he grew up in like uh i think like vermont or something like that yeah all right anyways first and last name is uh his parents hunt no no this is not my thing this is not how is he killing them because if he's like i guess he's clubbing them and then cutting them open yeah that was his way that's what he was doing yeah or shooting with a bb gun and then like when they fell down like shooting a squirrel and tree falls down cut it open yeah like dissection without a scientist present is sketch sketchy as fuck

imagine just such a tone deaf parent who like equates that to like Michael Jordan's parents singing pick up a basketball they're like oh our boy's gonna be a biologist wow he's so into science and anatomy they're like oh our boy's gonna be a biologist wow he's so into science and anatomy

yeah dude that is cutting a squirrel's head off alright wait I'm curious what's the legality of if you're like with your grandma and then she dies of natural causes but then you do that like you cut her open cause you're a psychopath

that's completely legal. Yeah. Yeah. There's no way that's okay in any circumstance whatsoever. Yeah. Grandmas cannot be cut open. And Ryan, you should know that. All right.

But I just mean, he's like, well, you know, I don't know. She was already dead. So you have to, you have to be something crazy where you're like, there's gotta be a court case where someone just like yeah she was dead so i cut her head off it's like an alternate ending to titanic she eats the necklace i'm sorry i don't even know where this is coming from let's just say yeah yeah yeah but is it illegal i mean i don't know it's absolutely illegal there just like some kind of like a graffiti or something are you saying if you're like a toddler and you do this no no no no he's like no you're like no 33

your name is ryan donahue you did something that you're afraid to talk about and dude little boys are so fucking crazy that I, you can like, I don't know. I was, I was hanging out with my, my nephew, like, and my family on vacation.

And we left my mom and my nephew like alone for a while. And like, he's so nuts that there was a piece of me that was like, what if we come back and he's just killed my mom? How old is he? he's like four he's like not even close to doing like he's not cutting snakes up and shit it's just like he'll do something where he'll like he'll just like break a glass and you'll be like what and you're like oh it's a mistake my neighbor my neighbor wasn't my neighbor going up was like that i was like every every time like our cats went near him, I was like, ah.

Yeah. He cut his cat's whiskers off. He was like three years old. He just cut all of its whiskers off. And the cat was just drunk for months. I mean, that's the guy you told me about. You slept over their house. It was two brothers.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, my God. I mean, we're on that subject. that wait can you tell that story i guess all right so sure let's go it's really funny to be prompted for a story uh all right so i i pet rats growing up yeah i just i i wanted a gerbil or a guinea pig or something like that my dad took me to the pet store i think he saw the price of a guinea pig and he was like, how about a rat? And I,

which I think was like cheaper, but also like a funny bit for my dad. You mean like just buy your kids rats, but we had rats and I, and I love them. They were like good pets. I know I sound insane, but like,

well, even when I see a rat on the street, I'm like a friend who has a, who had pet rats. Yeah. When I see like a street rat, not that I would ever touch, but I'm like,

Oh, I'll go look at you. Like I'm not grossed out by rats whatsoever. I have a friend who had pet rats. Yeah, when I see a street rat, not that I would ever touch, but I'm like, oh, I'll get a little cute. I'm not grossed out by rats whatsoever. Yeah, yeah. I don't want them in my house if they're not mine. They're not being a rat at you. No, no. They're just a rat. And dude, and they're, you know, they're warm-blooded animals. Like, they are capable of, like, affection, you know. Yeah.

They would sit on my shoulders and, like, I loved them, you know. I had a gerbil who was fucking amazing. It's the same thing, it's just uglier. It's the exact same thing. Yeah. And, uh, so I had two sets of rats.

Like they died. They last like three years, you know? Yeah. And then they die. So I had two sets of rats growing up. I loved rats. And,

uh, growing up, I had these, I had these friends who, uh, they lived on a farm in Los Angeles and shadow hills. And, it was three siblings oldest brother

the oldest brother was like my brother's age he was like four years older than me so but they they lived in the shack on a farm and they didn't pay rent the guy who owned the farm was like the saint and he like let them live there all they did do is like farm work that's all they had to do and they could live there rent-free dirt poor parents immigrated from mexico and uh they knew i loved rats that's very important to the story and uh so one night i'm sleeping over there i had to be like maybe eight or nine years old and uh the two older brothers wake me up at like 3 a.m they have a flashlight in my face like get the fuck up get the fuck up right now i was what? And I look over and one of them's holding a katana, like a samurai sword. And the other one's holding a handgun. And I'm like, what's going on? They're like, follow us. Take this flashlight. And I grabbed the flashlight. I'm like, oh God.

And I'm like walking up to the chicken coop. Right. And I'm like, what's going on here? Like, shut up. Don't talk. I'm like, okay. And they get up to this giant plank of wood and it's right by the chicken coop. And they're like, hold the flashlight here. Don't move no matter what, right? Again, they know I like rats and they lift up this plank of wood and it's about 50 to 80 rats.

And they just start fucking slashing them with samurai swords. It is fruit ninja with rats. was insane guts going everywhere i'm like oh my god and they're like pointing the sword at me like don't fucking move and i'm like oh this is like the worst night of my entire life and i just watched like 80 rats get massacred dude it was unbelievable and i'm like shaking and there's just like parts of rats all over the place and then they're like all right let's go back now and then's just like parts of rats all over the place and then they're like all right let's go back now and then they just told me to go to bed

and i was like i'm sitting there like i i'm like for like two hours just like shaking in the bed like oh you know like i just watched my pets get massacred like a holocaust on my favorite animal you know and the older brother he could sense that i felt bad to cheer me up. I wish I was making this up, dude. To cheer me up. He was like, Hey, I want to show you something. And he brought me to his computer and he showed me porn. here's the thing though dude it wasn't I'm sorry if that was a little too adult of an experience for you

but there's good parts of being an adult too I haven't even gotten to the kicker yet dude the porn was cartoon porn and the cartoon porn was princess jasmine having sex with her pet tiger by the first porn i had ever watched was bestiality aladdin porn it was her tiger fucking the shit out of her holy so i had those two things happen to me at like eight years old

within two hours of each other. That is so fucking bananas. It was unbelievable, dude. And God, this dude seems very interesting. Well, he's in jail. Statutory rape. He felt like a 13-year-old when he was 25. Yeah, he's a bad guy. Oh my God.

You better hope he doesn't come out and say that shit. Yeah, I say names. It's like, where do you think it. You better hope he doesn't come out. I say names. Where do you think it all went wrong? Yeah. Probably that then. Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit.

Thing. Holy fuck. Yeah. Fruit Ninja was rats, man. I had a way different experience with you. I used to, I had an action figure of Jasmine that I used to draw.

Oh yeah. I did listen to that episode. I knew you were going to love that. All right, well dude, let's, do you guys have anything to plug? No, not really.

Well, we might start a podcast at some point. It's to be determined. We've been talking about it for like four or five months. All right. Well, if you ever do that, stay tuned. You guys got any dates coming up? No.

Well, I have a monthly show at Union Hall. Check that out. It's on the 25th. And then I got some stuff. I'll be in Phoenix in March with Sam Jay the first weekend. And then, uh, I got some stuff. I'll be in Phoenix in, uh, March with Sam J, uh, the first weekend. And then I'm headlining in Key West on the third weekend at comedy Key West.

And, uh, yeah, I'll be with you and Sam talent in late March. I think, are you, are you on those shows? I don't know.

You told me you were, but we'll find out. Huh? What about you? No. Uh, we have a bunch of dates'll find out. Huh. What about you? Buffalo or something? No. We have a bunch of dates coming up. We're in Austin, Texas February 16th. Get tickets to that and then everything else is on stuffislandpod.com

We're going everywhere. Or not really, but a lot of places. A couple of spots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can check them all out there. We're trying to add as many dates as possible. Yeah. Thanks guys. Love you man. Just stick around for the Patreon. Hell yeah, dude. Alright, fuck you. yeah yeah yeah you can check them all out there we're trying to add as many dates as possible yeah uh thanks guys love you man

stick around for the patreon hell yeah dude alright fuck yeah alright let's do it