Stuff Island - Stuff Island #68 - i will die for this w/ Greg Stone

Episode Date: February 15, 2023

Stuff Island #68 - i will die for this w/ Greg Stone - Full episodes also available on Apple/Spotify/etc. & bonus episodes are available on our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/stuffisland - “This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/STUFFISLAND and get on your way to being your best self.” - Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch.. Each week they'll talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish & twice a month they live stream VR Golf and Onward with fans. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

yeah i was like what do i need to start a podcast right i was like googling just that yeah and it's just yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but they would not tell me. They were just like, it was so hard to find. It was just like, and there were, there was like, it was already podcasting was like kind of big.

Like I would think that you would need like three. It's like, give me the camera I need. Give me the fucking sound thingamajiggy and the microphone that's good. And it was just like that. There's none of that. It's always like, well,

you're going to need this and this is going to need to plug into this other thing for some reason that has no relationship to recording sound it's just like god damn it give me the kit to make jello shots i want the camera the sound i want the fucking producer in the box send me some stupid open mic or yeah Amazon can't deliver it. Make sure it gets me to lie in here. I don't give a fuck. Send me some stupid open mic-er. That's not you, Owen. Yeah, dude. I was doing my shit on Laugh Button and I went, ah, fuck these people. I'm out.

And then when I left, because we were going to start something else, I've just been doing Patreon only just in the middle. And I went, fuck it. I'm not doing video. I'm just doing audio only. Fear of the mind let these motherfuckers think about what they see and i've just been doing that for now i lost about 100 subscribers well hold on i don't i don't think that mentality is wrong i think there's a lot of there's a lot of uh podcasters that you're fine with and i'm not this has nothing to do with looks

it's more personality driven and like inflection and like a lot of our comedy comes out of like, you know, the subtleties. You know, the slight- You need the body language. Yeah, especially with us. And you are a body language king. So it's like you can't- Me?

You fucking told me so! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! No pressure, no pressure. You're the body language king. Chris is already lying down. I was looking at myself last episode and I realized that I feel like every episode

I'm just slowly drifting. This couch is so deep. We need a GoPro from the ceiling so we can all hit the floor. Yeah, all the mics just point here. We just lay down and touch heads. We should switch up though. We need to switch up our visuals.

What do you mean? I don't know. Make something interesting. Maybe once a month we go out back and do it around the fire. That'd be nice. Summertime fire. Only thing you gotta be careful about that's kind of annoying.

Motherfucking wind. I was doing it on my porch and it was like you fucking bitch the only thing I did not realize but you put that hairy pussy bouffant thing over top of it you can't blow through that and somehow the wind back there does rip

6 to 7 every single night it is fierce. Yes. It's tearing down power lines and stuff. It's nuts. Somebody snipped our fucking

our lights last summer. What? Yeah. Because I got a little loosey-goosey and I wouldn't turn them off and there's like the back end

of this next building. Oh, is that what happened? I think so. I started doing some investigation because they were yelling at us when we were hanging out with Sam Talent, like barbecuing, having a good time.

Who was yelling at us? They weren't yelling, but you could hear them huffing and puffing. I think this might be in your head. It was 100% in my head, Greg. Yeah. It's just the wind. They're gentlemen that are, you know, they're like New Yorker tote bags of people.

They're fucking pansies that aren't enjoying, you know they're like new yorker tote bags of people they're fucking they're the fucking pansies that aren't enjoying you know the fact that we're enjoying life yeah yeah and there was a clean cut and the wind that does pump through here yeah it wasn't like no it was yeah wow yeah right down the middle we should go fight them right we should dude it's not a door we should that's another different location of a podcast. Dude, I would love to, I would love to like, I would love to screen print the Amazon order of those lights again.

Put that on a banner and just hang it. And just knowing that it's like next day delivery. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the time the sun goes down again, those lights will be up. Cal's like, you got a $100,000

budget on backyard lights? How am I going to write this off, dude? This podcast is going to be evidence to a murder when someone is found hung by ripped lights. It was almost me last night, man. I was in a dark hallway. They're going to be like Edison bulbs. Yeah, that's Tommy.

It's got gay written all over it. The Edison strangler is back. Did we start? Yeah. Oh, we did? Oh, good. Do you need anything? Do you want a water or something?

It's crazy that I don't have a water, but no, I'm just kidding. There's water bottles in there. That was fun. Oh, yeah, there are. We got some water bottles. In the merch room. Your action for your collection has picked up since last, but I've been here. Greg, I'm so fucking glad you brought this up.

I hate those things, but you're the reason I brought you on tonight because the Eagles lost the Super Bowl in terrible fashion. We needed some energy. No, it wasn't just energy. I wanted the opposite energy. Someone that, you know, has sex with fucking figurines as opposed to puts their whole life.

You know, if you're painting figurines, you don't put your whole life invested into a team that doesn't give a fuck about you. And I have a problem. So I hate to say this, but the Marvel movies have not been good in a few years and i'm kind of been going through the same thing yeah yeah i mean it's just like what are we doing i heard the quantum mania might not be great i mean i'm kind of the same quantum mania might not be great

yeah no shit's quantum mania they couldn't even get the name right do you guys know what a guest is like a guest in your home have you heard of this you usually treat them with this food look we just got you a water

you can't disrespect it dude I mean expecting the Marvel movies to be good I feel like is it's up there with being a Jets fan

it's like I hate Jets fans it's hopeless dude it's fucking hopeless i'll say this though i want to say this i and wait till the sentence is over before you reach over and try to fucking punch me in the face i have hated philly fans my whole life but this super bowl hurt me because of you guys foley because i was just sitting here like i don't want this is not these poor fucking sons of bitches and i was like maybe they you know i stayed an extra day in philly i like today i was in philly and uh and yesterday and i was walking around and you could hear a pin drop i'm not kidding yeah really downtown phil. I'm not kidding. Yeah, really. Downtown Philadelphia. I'm not, it was eerily silent. Everybody took an extra day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, you know those videos where they put them in like, they put them in that room that had like zero sound. You know,

it's got like those big triangles and shit and like people can only stay in there for like 30 minutes. Because you hear your own thoughts. That was literally Walnut Street. Did you go there for the game? Yeah.

We went down there for the game. We had a perfect setup. Yeah. Everything was beautiful. And then mayhem. This is why I want to get you into the Avengers. The Avengers never go through a regrowth period. They never lose.

They eventually always come back. Your heart is never broken. Come on over. Damn. I mean, doesn't it bother you? Doesn't everyone in those movies bother you? Well,

every single one in those movies. I love them. If you didn't hear the first 10 seconds. Because I've dedicated my life to them. I got to say, probably not. Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't show you my back tattoo, Chris. to them. I gotta say, probably not. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't

show you my back tattoo, Chris. I'm gonna hate it. Dude, when I found out, when I found out Vin Diesel did Groot's voice. Yeah. I just about hit the ceiling. I was just like,

what the fuck? Why not just give that to some nobody and give him a giant paycheck? Vin Diesel is a mailbox with a heart in it somehow. That dude is fucking useless. Dude, I don't even mind Vin Diesel.

Nah, I like Vin Diesel. But you know why though, right? You know why he got it, I believe. Am I supposed to have? I'm sorry. No, I thought you might have the right answer. No, I only know the hack story of how he started because he was like a bouncer at some fucking club.

Oh no, he was the voice of Iron Giant. So I think they saw iron giant someone probably loved iron giant and when oh give it to this fucking guy because that's a great it was like a great movie it's a cartoon I'm sure you've never fucking seen it I haven't seen it I it's written by Roald Dahl isn't it yeah no way to know now I'm thinking of the BFG I'm thinking of the big friend of the giant we don't have all the magic boxes in our pockets I won't look and I don't care. We'll never find out.

Yeah, but the role of Groot requires nothing. You try it. I am Groot. Yeah, give us your Groot, dude. How does he say it? How does he say it? It's just Groot, right? Isn't it just say, I am Groot?

Yeah. Okay. I didn't feel like you were saying something. What do you mean? Anyway, I am Groot every time he Okay. I didn't feel like you were saying something. What do you mean? Anyway, I, every, I am Groot.

Every, every time he says that he's saying something, you know, there's a real sentence that inflection. Yeah. Inflection. It is very talented. You want to say, I am Groot.

He's angry. He's angry. I gotta be honest with you, man. I want to shut him down, but he's really killing it. I really wanted to be like, he's like,

I can do it right. But every one of those, I think was, I'm man. I want to shut him down, but he's really killing it. I really wanted to be like, he's thinking I could do it right, but every one of those I think was, I'm dying. I'm Groot. You're wearing the rose tee and I keep thinking it's your belly hanging out and I love it. No, it was fucking, it was a great time. We

You got in a little bit of trouble. Of course. Whose house has a garbage candidate now that was from outside? No, I didn't fight anybody. I fell down the steps. You're dumb. Yeah, there's security footage. And I texted the manager, Ian, who is the man.

He hooked us up with this VIP table. So you're not ever like getting off the train and then walking to, it was me, him and Kevin Ryan Ryan, getting to Barstool, every bar you pass, there's a line. Because it's either reservations or you wait. And every single bar had a line around the block. Like a sold out show. It's hard.

If we didn't have that hookup, we'd be fucked. And even at the hookup, now you got personal attention. It's VIP attention where you don't have to move. It was beautiful. Yeah. Right.

And you still spit in their face. Like she didn't fucking ask for it. Tommy was slamming. He drank enough whiskeys to kill a horse. Dude, I got the second half and just my adrenaline was running. And it's like, you know, it's like doing a bump. Yeah. You don't know. Your body's not telling you yet like it's not yeah wait hang in there dude it's like taking six gummies going you're only for the first one ahead yeah he spilled two full beers on it yeah yeah yeah just completely hold on we poured him a full pint, a fresh pint, landed on the table, and he was like, what?

Dude, all over me. Wow. It was crazy. The first time I was like, I'm sorry. The second time I was like, this is nuts. You're wet. Dude, you're a wet dog. Dude, fully soaked.

Wow. At the end of the game, he leaves early because his girl was falling asleep in the booth. You didn't finish the game? No, no, no, no. When I say early, I mean like 4 a.m. We didn't hit 4.

An appropriate time. It's when I should have left and fucking Kevin left a little earlier and you guys and I was like, I'm going to stick around until everybody gets done

doing their work and then we can hang out downstairs. Yeah. I stood up and I was like, whoa'm going to stick around until everybody gets done doing their work. And then we can hang out downstairs. Yeah. I stood up and I was like, whoa. I had a lean on me like you wouldn't fucking believe. Wow. I couldn't.

And I fell down. They have like 10 steps. As soon as you enter the bar, there's like an elevated step to get up. Yeah. I have bruises on my hips. I have a rough time getting on and off the toilet. Yeah. It's so sad. There's security footage.

I'm not kidding you. I've been asking. For the Patreon. For the Patreon. I got a phone call from the staff. I was in bed. I couldn't tell my hotel room. I got a phone call from the staff.

And they were like, yo, Tommy's pretty banged up. Like, can you like come get them? And I was like, I can't. I was fucked up too. I was crying. I've been drinking since one o'clock. Wow. So I was like, nah, he'll be all right.

Like I literally, I was like, you can get home fine. Then give the keys back. 10 minutes later, they call Tommy's gone. Tommy's gone. I was like, he's probably going back to his hotel. He's fine. Then they're like, I don't think so. There's no way he could make it to a hotel. I was sleeping

against a building. I was sleeping on the street. They sent out a group of them spread out around the city to find Tommy. Rangers clicking on their fucking lights. They find him a block away just sleeping on a building on a bar and they wake him up and they're like uh what's your hotel and he doesn't know so then they just start calling hotels come on to be like do you

is there no this yeah yeah they just start calling hotels like christ is there is there a tom papa staying there? Tommy Pope? Like, do you have a name? And everyone's like, no, no. They eventually found the hotel. I don't remember which one it was. It was the Aloft.

And I woke up like such a scumbag and I went, it gave me a hard time checking in. And I said, I'd check in later. Maybe if I call in, I get my refund. Well, I'm just on the street like. She told me I couldn't get in. They found the hotel and they were like,

yeah, we have him, but he didn't check in. And they're like, he's pretty banged up. He needs a place to stay. Can we get him over there and check him in? And they go, no, don't bring him here. See? I told you. I knew I wasn't going to get that room. That's why I bought it.

What do you mean? They were just like, we don't's why I bought it they don't want we don't want whatever that is we don't want it they sold the room? 100% he got in a little earlier than me I got in like 3

I go to check in, the hotel lobby is a tailgate there's fucking tens of wings and shit. People are just sitting and tailgating, drinking out of 30 packs, and the line to check in is like, to the window, to the stars!

To the stars! I said stars. And then I, the one lady finally goes, look, there's no double beds. If you're in line for double beds, we have none. And half the line shifted, and I like good i i get i can get here before the game i get to the lady and she's like uh checking in i'd say yeah yeah she goes all right your room's not ready i'm like it's like four o'clock what do you mean she goes you just gonna have to wait a while like i don't

have a while right i got like an hour and a half to kickoff right i gotta get juicing okay also like just just fucking check me give me a fuck exactly check me in so then i start getting nuts because i'm like there's a chance here if i leave and i asked her three times i was like so i definitely have a room if i come later right i have a room you can guarantee that she goes yeah it's just we have to clean a queen and we can't upgrade you right now to the king. And I was like, okay, I'll come back. Right. And as soon as I left, I was like, there's no way all these people falling out of these bars aren't going to walk into every hotel. And if I hadn't checked in yet, they're just going to assume he's not here.

So when they called, they were probably like, yeah, he was fucking, he's not showing up. Right. There's no way. That room was sold. But you had a reservation. This is what's fucking infuriating. That's the whole point. Dude, they do this. I'm so angry. I don't know what to do. Yeah. Right. There's no way. That room is sold. But you had a reservation. This is what's fucking infuriating. That's the whole point. Dude, they do this.

They do this. I'm so angry. I don't know what to do. Yeah. And I wasn't even there. And it's three days ago. And I'm like furious. Dude, they do that.

That happened to me once where I landed late, had to go right to a show. And then I'm drinking after the show. Right. And I get to the hotel at two in the morning. Yeah. And they're like, oh, we had you as a no show it's like no no no that's for the next day

I have that till 2pm not 2am and honestly yeah it's like you should get a refund wait a minute you gave them money yes and you did not get your money back I had a reservation I was just checking in to get my room number and my card dropped off my little bag.

You guys have a car? Yeah. We could go down. We're going right now. We'll go right now. We'll go to Philadelphia. Yeah. I'm not at that level yet where like I could just throw out a tweet and be like, hey, fucking

Aloft. You really fucked over my Superbowl. And they're like, DM me. And I get fresh cookies in six rooms. You know what I mean? They can't just keep your money if they didn't give you a thing and told you you couldn't come. 100%. I agree 100%. I agree 100%. He also agrees 100%.

That's 200%. It's criminal. It's criminal. I have the room until, like, I can, if I check in at like 10 a.m. and I have to be out by 11 a.m., give me the hour. If you paid for it? That's what I'm saying. Yeah. No one else can be in it.

Yeah. They just can't take your money? Yeah. Hotels, hotels. Someone else ate your hamburger. That's my fucking hamburger. Yes. Well, you're not eating your hamburger.

I ordered a fucking hamburger. Yeah. Throw my hamburger out. You can't eat my fucking hamburger. Yeah, he can't have two hamburgers. What, are you out of your fucking mind? He put it in a straight way. Dude, hotels exist in like the 1920s.

Like the whole check-in process is insane. This gets him fucking wired up, dude. The fact that I need to talk to anyone. D-Milo, D-Milo, what do you mean? Tell me. Look, just. It's like a restaurant going, have you ever eaten here before? Yeah.

It's like, no, it doesn't fucking matter. Give me a menu. Right. It's like all the questions they give you at the front desk and it's also like this is modern technology right like just when i book hotels on the internet i should be able to look at the whole hotel and choose a room right and then why is there a front desk person right there's no need for that yes why do i gotta go online the keys Just put the key in the fucking room. There's mobile keys on some. Yeah.

Which is sick. But 99% of the time. Some of them have mobile keys now where you could just, you download the app or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Just. Yeah. But I feel like that's like 40 to 50% of the time you get the mobile key and the other

50% they go, Hey, you got to check in. You got to check in. No, no, no, no. I don't. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You can send me like, you got to check in. You got to check in. No, no, no, I don't. Right. You can send me the key. I know that you can. Absolutely.

The same reason I don't have to check in or check out, rather, I can just leave the keys in the room, should be just as easy as checking in. I've never checked out. Ever. I've never checked out. Ever. I didn't know everyone knew this. This is my, I never check out.

Oh, my God. Dude. Who's checking out? I don't know know when people check out it it bothers me yeah you say goodbye this is your grandmother yeah yeah yeah just trying to get another fresh cookie on the way out it's like what's next you're gonna start getting protection on your flights it's just like i paid 60 yeah who the fuck is saying yes to this wait you never get protection on your flights out of your fucking mind. Dude, the Amtrak protection is like another $100. I paid $60. Who the fuck is saying yes to this? Wait, wait, wait. You never get protection on your flights? I always get it on my flights.

What, are you kidding? I hate flying. So I'm afraid of everything. So I just click all the boxes. Oh my god. I click every box. You're paying $30 to protect your flight? What? How much? No, it's more than that. It's like $30. No, it's $30. On a flight? Yeah. yeah it's not a lot it's a piece of mind why don't you it's like you protect my flight yeah right also what would have to happen if the flight for you did not get your flight uh i just

this i'll tell you exactly what uh three or four times you read the fine print i looked up right now i was like all right here we go st louis i look at the flight. You're fucking hard up right now. I was like, all right, here we go. St. Louis. I look at the flight. You're going to Alabama. And I'm like, I just bought a flight to fucking Alabama. So I had to call them and they got to change it. I make all of the mistakes because I do everything high. So everything needs to have this level of protection for me. You know, where I could go, oh, yeah, it was too sad.

Was it St. Louis, Alabama? God damn it. Yeah. Well, you were saying you stopped smoking a little bit. I stopped smoking for no reason. I just was like, well, I'm smoking every day. And then I was like, I'm going to take a month off and I'm going to take weed out and I'm going to put the gym in. Whoa.

And I'm going to the gym every day. Let's go. Yeah. I've been going to the gym every day. Where? Matrix. I know. You go to LA Fitness.

New York Sports Club. New York Sports Club. But you're right around the corner. We could go together. I can help you out. Yeah. I'll definitely go. Because I'm going every day. Did you sign a contract? I did, but I'll just pay the- Did you get the protection? I around the corner. We could go together. I can help you out. Yeah, I'll definitely go. Because I'm going every day.

Did you sign a contract? I did, but I'll just pay the- Did you get the protection? I got the protection. They gave me two condoms. I wear them when I run. It's fun. One on the nose, one on the bird.

Dude, the Matrix though, and this is going to sound horrible. They got some great butts in there. Yeah. And a great butt keeps me in the gym an hour longer. Yeah. I don't know if that makes me a dirty dog, but I'm a dirty dog. Are they real butts or fake butts?

Who cares? I care. You care? Oh, 100% I care. Yeah, dude. I can't even tell the difference. Yeah, you should be able to. Why?

What are you talking about? You don't need a fucking eagle eye. Yeah, dude. Fake butts look insane. Let me Google butts and see if we can tell. Fake butts, like, it's like looking

at Madonna's face now and being like, did she get any work done? Yeah, look up a BBL. It looks like a butt. A BBL as opposed to... BBL.

That's a Brazilian butt lift. Oh, there's a comedian who's been talking about that. I didn't understand the joke at all. These girls put water

bottles to the tops of their ass and the sides, you know, they just tuck it in with this plastic. It's BBL. If, let's see. 90 tops of their ass and the sides, you know, they just tuck it in with this plastic. It's BBL.

If, let's see. 90% of the time, they're not, they don't look natural at all. There's no natural curves. It's just a. Oh,

I hate that. Okay, I know those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel like women's asses have just gotten so much better lately.

Dude, we talked about that before. Yeah, they're all working on them. They're all working on them. They're all just, they go in there and they just do squats

and those like hip thruster things. I don't like seeing hot people in the gym to be honest. Really? It bothers me. Why?

Just, I don't know. I don't, it's just. I think it's because you're good looking. No, it's, but just put it away. You know? Put it away?

Yeah. That's where they fix it. I know. It's like I don't like seeing cars in the mechanic. That's how it works. It's exactly how it works. It's to show how it works.

Yeah, that's where they are. I don't know. It always drives me nuts. I don't like it with my daycare. That's where I don't like seeing cars as a mechanic. How it works. It's exactly how it works. It's just how it works. Yeah, that's where they are. I don't know. It always drives me nuts. I don't like it with my daycare. That's where I don't like them. Yeah. Yeah. Or a dentist.

Or a dentist. Yeah. I said this last week. I don't want a hot dentist. I don't want a hot doctor. I don't want a good looking person working on my body. I don't want any of it. I want, give me the fucking ugly curmudgeon auto mechanic looking motherfucker.

Dude. Fix my face. True. I had a dentist. When we used to work at the apple store that she just got all the apple employees smoke show yeah and she would just put her boobs in your face and every guy was like we're all going to say fucking dentists and our teeth were falling down she was like eat more candy we were like yeah man whatever just put

your fucking hand she would just like caress you. We were all being molested, and it was fucking great. Dude, sitting on that shady plastic shit, that paper. Yeah, I hate the paper. That makes you nervous. You hate the paper? They roll out the paper for the thing that you sit on. That's like at the doctor's office.

That's not at the dentist's. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, the deli paper. I'm sitting on that shit. Yeah, the deli paper. Yeah, the deli paper. There you go. I'm waiting Yeah, the deli paper. Yeah, the deli paper. There you go. I'm waiting for the door to crack, and then I'm like, this better be.

Are you sitting on that? This better look like a fucking. This better look like a fucking Gary as a person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want a dude with grease on the side of his elbow. Yes, because he cares about fixing bodies. You got to see my guy. I got a doctor.

He's like around a block from here. He is like, dude, wild man. He just comes in. fixing bodies you gotta see my guy we i got a doctor he's like around a block from here he is like dude wild man he just comes in he's always like hey you know how you doing we're like we're all right and he was like you fucking hookers and we're like he just those are the things he has because you could you know just wear the barrier method like he says barrier method is that's what he calls it yeah the barrier method what you could do and i'm like nah man I got married and he's like hey man we're all married but the

barrier method still you want to use the barrier method he's very into the barrier method yeah but he like he says shit all the time yeah take the air assault you need a missile what are you doing here yeah he's like crazy he's still good on yeah yeah yeah yeah cause he's like

he's always like, you know, maybe we go out, maybe we go to a strip club. And I'm like, yeah, man, I'll go to a strip club with you. We haven't yet,

but I will. But see again, I like this because it's a guy who knows his medicine. Right. If he's, if he's fucking hookers on the regular, you know, he's,

he's taking care of doing research. Yes. Yes. Yes. He's investigating. Yeah. I kid you not lady. One of his patients walks past us, like I'm in the office and he goes, he Yes. Yes. He's investigating. Yeah. I kid you not. Lady, one of his patients walks past us, like I'm in the office and he goes, he grabs my

arm. He goes, am I right? Like, he points to these women that he's also seeing. I'm like, there are lines here, but I love that you're crossing them. Yeah. That's a special. That's a HIPAA violation of some kind. I'd like to think you get in an elevator and just hit 1970 and go back in time this big.

Just a salting wind with a lit cigarette. Nothing but like popular mechanics magazines out there. Dude, I always wanted, I like, it always bothers me that the dentist doesn't have a mirror above. Oh, like a. So I can see what they're doing. Like a massage parlor. Yeah. I want a mirror up there because you just sit

there and they're doing all kinds of stuff. You count the dots and the fucking drops. That's what you do. No, I want to watch something. Put a TV up there. Most dentists have TV now. They'll usually put one up with an angle so you can see it. Like a good dentist would do that.

That'd be nice. But I really want the mirror. I want to see what they're doing. Because sometimes I like. You don't trust them? You want to get in there? Yeah. Yeah.

I want to see how it's done. Yeah. How much tooth are you getting rid of? Yeah. That's like me when I get on a plane. I always look. I always look into the pilot's thing to be like, who's this guy? Who's flying his thing?

I just want to check him out a little bit. I feel good now. These cocksuckers are always standing by the door on the way out. You don't see them

on the way in. You see them on the way out and they're like, charming fucking wink and have a good day. Comedian after a good set. Yeah. Trying to get close

to you on the door. A little too much turbulence. He's in the fucking green room. Jesus, dude. Come out here. Shut up, pal. We speak to you. It's so true, dude.

I always give him a comment. It's like a comic sitting by the first exit. It's not even the last exit. It's just like, oh, thank you. Oh, thanks. Signing posters. I didn't think you were going to be here. Pretending to look for somebody. They look a little cocky. Signing posters. I didn't think you were going to be here. Pretending to look for somebody.

If they look a little cocky, I always comment. I always go, great landing, great landing. If they don't, I just go, gave me a little heart, huh? A little heart? Give me a little heart? Just take them down a peg because these guys are fucking arrogant. Well, they're nuts. Yeah, they're fucking like true jet fighters, right?

For the most part? I don't think so. Maybe. A lot of the times you get these guys who flew in Vietnam and their next job was this Boeing 747. Yeah. Aren't there like Navy pilots that are like, they're wired differently and they're very bright and they're very kind of autistic. Yeah.

They're weird. And they're handsome in a way of like pilot handsome. Right. It's like, it's too sharp. It's like 1990s sitcom sharp. Right. Like all their features are oddly cut, but they have nothing to them.

There's no personality. Right. Yeah, yeah. That's why they don't even have to say hi. Yeah. They're built that way. That's what the military does. It fucking-

Yes. It just makes you into just a weapon of warfare. Yeah. But they annihilate your individuality. That's the point of the military. The objective, yeah. Yeah, that's why they shave your head and shit. Take your toys away.

Yeah, yeah. Not in this house, baby. We got toys and we got hands. Who are those? Matt and Shane's. They used to do a podcast down here. Then they would put them on the table. Someone sent them, I think, those action figures.

Can you throw one of those to me, actually? Because what's fun about them is that they're not placed in a way that looks like they were just put there after a nice play with. These aren't even high-end figs. They're not? These are upsetting me. These look good. No, the articulation is horrible. These 90s? The elbows don't move. The knee joints. What are we doing here?

Cactus Jack. That's 90s, right? Yeah, yeah. No, this ain't a good fig, bro. I mean, good for him, but what are we doing here? Dude, you're upgraded. Look at these rubber legs. Check this out, dude. What are you talking about?

This rule. How tight are these hamstrings? We'll find out whose figure these are. I'll get them a real deal cactus jack with at least 67 points of articulation and many different variable heads. 67 points? Yeah, probably.

I don't know. Anywhere from 40 to 60. Because you can move like the individual fingers. You can do head, neck. No, not fingers. Head, neck, chest, elbow, double joint, elbow. Got to get double joint, elbow. That's crazy.

Ankle. How many are we talking? The same size as these? Six inches. So everybody about like that big. Damn, and you're married. Yeah, man. To a wonderful woman. That's crazy. That's crazy. Ankle. How big are we talking? The same size as these? Six inches. So I'd be about like that big. Damn, and you're married. Yeah, man, to a wonderful woman. That's crazy.

That's awesome. I'm sorry that your child died. Inside? Yeah. Dude, it's like a great dopamine drip, dude. You go to a fucking store, you buy a fig, you don't have to punch a hooker. Do you put it together and all that shit? Because I've seen you paint shit.

Yeah, I used to. Yeah, that's cool. Not anymore. No, you got the paint in your face. I got the kid. I want him eating the paint. Yeah. I don't have the time for it.

He's great. I got another one coming in June. Yay! Whoa! Yeah, another boy. Mama. Congrats. What are your names?

I need a boy's names. Stone Cold, off the top of my head. Stone Cold Stone. Yeah, Stone Cold Stone. That was pretty sick, dude. That's pretty fucking sick. Stone Cold Stone. Stone Cold Stone. That was pretty sick, dude. That's pretty fucking sick. Stone Cold Stone. Dude, my brother's best friend's phone number was a power drone. Really? It was

Damn. Yeah, just say the number on the podcast. Really paint yourself into a corner there. I know, I know. Whatever. But it was. Frontwards, backwards. That's fun. Pretty neat. Yeah. That's as far as that joke goes. That was it. 2-1-5-3-3-3-

No, it wasn't 2-1-5, it was 6-1-0, I believe. 4-1- Wait. Can't be 4-2-1. No. Maybe it was 2-1-5. 2-1-5? I got a story when you're done. Yeah, I'm done.

We'll cut that. We'll put an ad in there. Why? I'm done. When you're done, whatever. I'm done. We'll cut that. We'll put an ad in there. Why? That was great. Let them ride. Oh, I don't care. No, no, no. I'm just saying like,

I think sometimes a podcast is like, let the listener ride, you know? Just let them, yeah. And enjoy it. You know, they'll pause. They're here with us. Look, we're fucking still hung over from getting absolutely blacked out two nights ago.

We're fighting our way through it. You know what I mean? I'm having a great time. I'm having a great time. I'm just, I don't have any stories still hung over from getting absolutely blacked out two nights ago. We're fighting our way through it. You know what I mean? I'm having a great time. I'm having a great time. I'm just, I don't have any stories besides Tommy getting fucked up. Yeah, that's pretty good.

Oh, he got back to the hotel was great. Oh yeah. So they, I got hand delivered to the hotel. I had to deliver. Where did you sleep? Right.

I was weekend at Bernie's dude. They had two guys. Yeah. Puppeteering me, but I was visually alert, but my, it was like, it was like pulling the Bernie's, dude. They had two guys puppeteering me, but I was visually alert. But it was like pulling the spine out of me, like a giant pulling a spine out of a human being. I'm like, now you try and figure out how to walk.

But where did you sleep? Because you didn't have a hotel. On his couch. I had a hotel. Oh, you did. Exactly. I didn't read him. Nice.

Dude, Ian said he was, because Ian's got one arm that's fucked up. So he was just trying to hold Tommy with his right arm. He had to walk him three blocks to his car. And Tommy kept going like, get the fuck off, baby. I can walk. And then he'd take two steps.

That's old man pride right there, baby. Then he'd have to hook him back up. I'd be pissed if I didn't see the shit like that. And he said, Tommy kept going, the disrespect the fucking disrespect dude meanwhile this guy's carrying me home the elevator doors open up and tom is standing in the in like like in between the two glass doors you know they can't get through the second one and uh they're just holding him and he's he's

leaning and i i get him and i i wanted to get some snacks yeah yeah i went down there and i'm like walking tommy and tommy's leaning so hard and i was like he's like he gets in there and he goes this isn't my fucking hotel yeah i know man i know hold on let's get some snacks and he's like dude i can't do snacks this isn't my fucking hotel. I was like, yeah, I know, man. I know. Hold on. Let's get some snacks. And he's like,

dude, I can't do snacks. He's like, I need to lay down now. I can't do snacks. I was like, all right, no snacks. Dude,

went up and just laid him down. Man. Dude, I wanted snacks. As soon as I got up, I was like, I wish I had snacks. i wish it was a mistake dude oh this isn't my fucking hotel that's so funny this is after people had worked so hard to get

it's so disrespectful you gotta call your company and fight the bill yeah I'll call I'll call the hotel saying they never gave me my room yeah and if they don't you call your credit card company yeah

that's another thing that annoys me about credit card companies is when you call them and you go like don't pay that and they're like do you want us to cancel your card

and it's like no I just want you to not pay that they just charge you to put a hold on it and your bank says well we have to give you

a 35 hour charge to reverse the check or whatever the fuck it is and they're like we can't not pay that. They charge you to put a hold on it. And your bank says, well, we have to give you a $35 charge to reverse the check or whatever. We can't not pay. It's like, how about this? I should, I have as much power as Alof does. Okay. They need my money.

Right. You don't send it to them. Yeah. That's it. Right. All right. Didn't they already want to pick a fight? They can pick a fight.

You don't send them that money. You tell them to call me. Also, it's like, it's one of them. And now there's two of us. Chris has been watching Yellowstone for the next 24 hours. No, and they're an intermediary. It's like, they're asking for it.

I'm saying don't send it. Right. Don't send it. Don't send it to them. I hear you. Plus, there's two of us. There's one of them. Yeah.

We'll team up on them. Me and the credit card company and the fucking versus Alof. Yeah, yeah. Fucking just, look, if they want to lodge a formal complaint, they can do it. I'll give them a PO box.

I think we should start picking up debts. We should get a, we should build a company, a separate LLC where you pick up debts. Right. Dude.

Then you show up in people's houses or you just get- No, you call, there's like this whole, I watched it on like 60 Minutes years ago where they buy

people's debts, pennies. Oh, yeah. Pennies on the dollar from a major company. Yeah. Creditor. Yeah. And they'll go, fucking Greg Stone owes $3,500. Yeah, six grand.

That's what I got. That's how I call it. Yeah, okay. Let's say it's six grand in the fucking AT&T or whatever because you got DirecTV. It was Burns Community College, but that's fine. Do those people have any power?

Who? When they buy up your debt. No, that's the point of this. So what they do is, in this documentary, they tell you like, no holds barred threats. And people typically in the situation

where they owe money, I mean, I'm not going to be so stereotypical, but like, they don't know how the system works as much. Right. Yeah. So they think these people can just lie and say like, we'll take your car. We know where you live because they have the personal information and they start rattling off the stuff to scare someone that's weak minded or less of knowledgeable. Yeah. And they'll just be like if you don't give us this money

and they'll say like where your wife works, they start just bullying the fuck out of me. What? Yeah. Because I've gotten a call from people before. They're like, yeah, this is Jeff. You owe me now. I've never given any money to Jeff. Is this your brother on another couch? He's like, look to your right. I've never given any money to Jeff. Is this your brother on another couch?

He's like, look to your right. I've never given a Jeff money in my life. So I don't know what you're talking about. Dude, 2001, I didn't pay my, I put my semester college on my credit card. First of all, this whole thing was one of the fucking nightmares. Wait, can you do that? I did.

You put a whole semester of college on a credit card? So I went, I was at Byrne Community College. I walk in at lunch. They go, hey, you want a basketball rim? And I went, I would love a basketball rim.

You know those $14 basketball rims? They go, sign up for this credit card. 35% interest. Wait, what? What? $14 basketball rim? You know those little

basketball rims you put in your room? Yeah. Little sock. Oh, oh. It was like, you sign up for this credit card, we'll give you this basketball rim.

I said, I'd love a basketball rim. Got the basketball rim. You how i love a basketball rim got the basketball could have got for five bucks eventually cause when you clip on the door yep i said i'll sign up for a credit card for a free basketball rim because i'll never use it 35 interest predatory dude the guy had a fucking mask and a laser that's how fucking predatory this guy was i walk in they sign up for the fucking credit card next day i had to i had an accident i had to had to have i put my semester of college on the credit card hoping that my student loan would come and i'll just take the student loan and i'll pay that but i had to have surgery student loan doesn't go through because i couldn't because of the surgery thing. Well, I had to like drop out of school. The credit card bill goes from $1,500 to about $9,000 because I just, over the course of like three or four,

what didn't pay a single dollar to any of this. Let me tell you this. I never paid a dollar. People, Jeff's calling me, Rick's calling me. They're like, they're like,

just give us 50 bucks. And I'm like, I'll see you in a year. 50. My credit score. Now I looked at my wife, my wife's like, just give us 50 bucks. And I'm like, I'll see you in a year. My credit score now, I looked at my wife. My wife's like, your credit score is actually getting really good. I go, what happened? She's got your limitations. She went, they gave up.

They gave up. So it went from $1,500 to $9,000 to $0. So your boy won. Fuck yeah, dude. Same. I paid off $35,000 of debt in my 20s and i wish i hadn't because i put like down payments like office furniture and stuff like in this this building we were trying to business thing we were trying to start and i paid it all back every fucking every month i would go to fucking walmart with, for a money order. Oh my God.

And all I found out, it's like, unless you're paying stuff with like cash or not cash or like credit and stuff in the future, if you want a house, if you want all this stuff, yeah, they, they fucking,

they, they press you and going, keep me your credit. Yeah. No ideal pay on time, pay everything back. It's like, dude,

you could just go bankrupt. Yes. Wait seven years. I was 23 years old. I was 18. Yeah. I paid $35,000. Just don't pay it.

Wait seven years. Start over. Right now I'm at like seven, I'm at like 750 credit score. And I used to have like low fives. I think I had, I had five. Yeah.

I think my credit card score was five. Yeah. It was five. Zero, zero, five yeah it was five zero zero five that's it they were like just the fact that i'm alive they were like that's what you get yeah dude i'm not kidding man i i did i i didn't pay they were they kept saying like well you'll never be able to buy a house i went baby i was never gonna be able to buy a house dude that was my attitude when they were when when Jeff was calling me. I was like, dude, I'm ready to die.

I don't care about my life. So if you want to make this your business, you come after the money. There ain't none. And there's never going to be any. I'm never going to make enough money for you to be able to recoup what I've fucked up. Dude, can I tell you what you just I need to just quick aside.

I was in Rio last week, the Rio. And I was in Vegas. I'm at Starbucks. Starbucks. Thirty five minute line. Huge line. Only thing good in the fucking hotel. Hotel suck.

Yeah, I waited. Some fucking 19 year old kid cuts the line. And I went, tapped him. I went, pal, what are you doing you gotta get back in the line we're all waiting here what are we fucking savages his friend comes by he's going back and forth and his friend looks at me and goes what are you gonna do about it and i looked at him i went i'll die for this yeah those exact words you just said i went i got a kid at home he means nothing to me anymore i will die in this casino.

Yes. Fighting you because you did for a Starbucks coffee at 8 a.m. I went, I will die for this. Yes. Those words. Yes. Did he get in line? Huh?

Did he get in line? He went to the back. And then his friend who actually got the line went, hey, man, he just started de-escalating. And he goes like, I mean, I'm just trying to de-escalate. I'm really sorry. Blah, blah, blah, blah. His friend leaves. And I go, hey, old pal, I like the way you deescalate. I'm really sorry, blah, blah, blah, blah. His friend leaves and I go, hey, no pal. I like the way you handle that.

You get in front, you get your coffee. I let his friend, the original cutter. I let cut because he handled it with grace. But his other friend, I was like, your other friend is going to fucking die. See, that guy should have bought your coffee though. A lot of things should have happened. A lot of things should have happened.

Then we have a holiday picture. You know, you're right. you should have bought my fucking coffee did you not buy your coffee? now I'm angry I didn't know I had to be angry now I'm angry you should have come I thought I was good

I thought I was good now I'm angry again you were too busy basking in your uh magnanimity to realize that he owed you a coffee he did owe me

and I actually I looked back at everyone in the line and I was like did this guy you guys wanted blah blah blah and then no one would say anything and i was like these fucking cowards after the whole thing is said and done this guy comes up to me he goes yeah i was gonna say something but then and i went don't do that don't do that you were gonna but you didn't yeah you didn't yeah and you left me out there yeah to fight nine dudes by myself and i was was about to. Dude, I had a missed opportunity like that recently. I was so mad.

I was, I went to, I went to my nephew's birthday party on Friday and, You're going to fight your nephew. No, it was fun. It was fun. What did that pussy do?

Yeah. No, so it was at this like huge, like sports plex thing. They had all kinds of different shit. They had like American. Like trampolines and shit. Trampoline room.

Oh, so fun. American Ninja Warrior course, two hockey rinks, basketball courts, two like swim pools. Why don't you bring me to what? It was, it was, it was in Connecticut. It was amazing. Well, I'm leaving there. And, uh, I, we had like all, you know, like balloons and cake and shit that we needed to take to the car so i i dropped that off i take i like drop this cart back off in front and i'm walking

back to my brother's car and uh this mom is getting in this girl's ass whoa about soccer whoa and she starts off and she was like she was like we talked about this why would you move the ball there and I was kind of like this is pretty aggressive this girl was like nine you know what I mean I was like this is pretty aggressive but maybe they're really committed to soccer you know what I mean maybe this is an intense sports moment

and then she goes then she starts going look at how you're fucking walking you walk like a at how you're fucking walking. Oh my God. Jeez. You walk like a fucking duck. You're nine. When is this going to stop? And I was so like, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

And they were kind of like walking away from me. And I like, man, it like the moment escaped me. And I was like, I should have fucking said something. What could you have done? I should have told her to, I would have just said, I would have, I should have fucking said something. What could you have done? I should have told her to, I would have just said, I would have, I was thinking about multiple things. I was saying,

should I start making fun of the mom's appearance? Yeah. Like you're a fat piece of fucking ugly shit. Yeah. You walk like a fucking idiot. There's one move here.

I like that. You're fucking 40 years old and still walking like a dumbass. Shut the fuck up. Then I was thinking about yelling about just keep it about soccer. Just keep it about soccer just keep it about soccer yeah and i was i was having one of those moments where it's like you start thinking like

you start thinking down the line what you're gonna need to say where it's just like if she was like i'll call my husband i'll kick you get him right yeah you know like i know you're in a situation that die right here. I'm just letting you know. You know where I live? You're in a situation that you call me. I'll be there. This is why I feel like women should be tested before they're able to have children. Their eggs should be on layaway.

You know what I mean? Everybody shouldn't be able to have kids. Yeah, yeah. This woman is a fucking detriment to society. She's going to build this woman, this girl into a fucking detriment to society yeah she's gonna build this woman this girl into a savage yeah that girl's gonna be so fucking demented you have one option in this scenario and she didn't have what yeah sorry is what we call the fight club scenario the only the only because if you if you get in her face it doesn't matter it continues if you do

something it's a five blah you have one option blah. You have one option, which is you grab her. You grab her into a closet, choke her, grab her license. And you say, every year I'm going to call your daughter. If I hear that you ever say this to her again, I have your license. I have where you live. I'm going to cut your fucking throat. So you're dead unless you change. That's it. It's a fight card scenario.

That's it. Then you get a call and it's like, hey, my name is Jeff. I turn out to be her husband we need a lot more punishers what's that guy's name he still owes me there is so much to lose but there's so much to gain when it really works out right when you the punisher scenario we're like the fucking the guy that steps in yeah and actually makes a change in that person's life because the yeah what's there to gain in that scenario is maybe the way my dad would if he felt disrespected in a car going 70 miles an hour right and he gets cut off he's going to risk his entire family yes that isn't in a fucking seat belt behind him yeah he thinks while my mother's

scream crying in the front seat if i show him how close he was to death he won't do this to anybody else going forward yeah so your mentality here is and it's probably what's weighing on he's going i should have just told this fat fucking bitch she's worthless and this kid has so much to gain yes and you're ruining her future with your dumb fucking words and your mentality towards her progression in life and her fucking adolescence right you're a pig this girl was you're a fat pig and then you just really lean into the weight right and you keep saying fat for a while yeah and you take a cupcake and you want this or do you want this? Do you want me to stop? Yeah, true. Just had a birthday party, got a car full of cupcakes to get me through.

I'd get you some free pizza if you stopped picking on your doggy. The beginning chunk of it was something that my dad said that shit to me. Right. You know what I mean?

Like, it was 30 years ago. Yeah. It was 30 years ago. It was also one of those things where it's like, I mean, dude, it was,

it was hockey. Yeah. But also you were fucked up. It was like Saturday. You're also fucked up. You know, like a hundred percent. You know what I mean?

We're trying to get her to not be like Chris. We need more of these. We gotta stop. She's's gonna be passing the cellar if your parents are piles of garbage you're gonna you're gonna have a good 20 minute chunk that's gonna crush yeah i mean i honestly think the other option too is to look at the little girl and go remember my face your mother is bad yeah you got to get through this but you're you're okay yeah you can't this is bad this isn't right i know you love her but she's wrong but you wonder if that does that help like i don't know if like if my if my mom was yelling at me and someone stopped us and then berated my mom in public.

I tell you when it helps. I'm not sure that would help me. It helps you in 20 years. My whole family sucks. What? It helps you in 15 years when you're like, hey, I love my mom. She was cool. And then you go, oh, wait a minute.

Maybe she wasn't. Remember that guy in the mall that threw pizza in her face? Yeah, this has been happening for a while maybe it's not me it's her yeah and then they're like which guy that's a lot of pizza yeah dude because i you know go ahead sorry no i'm thinking the same thing it's like it would be shocking at some point but at nine years old you're not five right so the development there you'd have to know that her behavior is a little intense a little awkward if you have enough social awareness right so like maybe your friends aren't getting treated and bullied like that so but you still think your

mom is a hero you still think she's the best. Yes. Not till you're like 30. Does it click? Yeah. You know, why do you walk like that? It's crazy.

You walk like a duck. You know why? When you're nine. Literally. The reason she walks like that is because this fat pig didn't exercise while she was in the womb. That's what makes duck feet and pigeon toes. You know, she didn't even like,

she was not even walking that bad. I'm not kidding. I can't get my wife to agree. If your feet are like this, it's your positioning in the womb. Yeah. Are you sure? It's not her fault.

My wife? It's the mom. Well, no, that's what I'm thinking about my wife now. I don't want these duck toes. I got to call her. No,

dude, my fucking kid, my kid comes out with duck. I'm having, I'm having a talk with my wife. and that kid's getting strapped in braces like Forrest Gump. I'm fixing that shit. That motherfucker's skating straight, dude.

Yeah, it's like misery. Bite down the slickers, honey. It's good. That's honestly a true thing. It's about positioning. So they're in the womb like this and they're not moving and stuff. So making fun of your child for looking like it, walking like it. That's your fault.

Right. Yeah. At nine years old, nothing is that kid's fault. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. It's like looking at it like a, you know, those like, like a, like a couple month old puppy when they're like goofy as fuck yeah why are you walking like that it's like yeah they're weird growth period you fucking relax yeah i hate this place man and it's also like this earth we we show this this ufh ufo shit what ufo shit I'm not in tuned in

I've been seeing weird things what's going on with UFO shit please tell me I don't look at anything there's video of something right you're not talking about the things they're shooting down over Alaska we shot one down over Alaska this is after the Chinese

they said that and then the there was like some... I guess like the pilots, there's different opinions and accounts from these pilots that said like what they saw. And apparently

it's no longer just balloons. That's what they're trying to draw. But the media's not saying anything. They're saying another thing was shot here. We're not shooting down UFOs. If they can get to Earth, they can dodge a fucking... I hope not. I fucking hope not.

They said one was unmanned if we started shooting them down. That's a beefy one to start. If they haven't told us about aliens yet, but they got enough on aliens to be like, we can fuck them. Would you rather not take these motherfuckers? They're not going to love fucking them.

All aliens are bitches. They just have savages over there so they have no weapons. I didn't expect any of this. What's great was communication. Stellar communicators. We just grew up with a bunch of resources so we never had to fight. Yeah, we just never taught our nine year old alien children they walk differently.

We raised a good civilization. Who's Jeff? We don't have any of them in here. Zero Jeff. What the hell is debt? That would be sick. If we were fucking up aliens. I mean, at this point, aliens are bitches.

If they've been here, they're bitches. Wait, expand. Show yourself. Show yourself. Show yourself. Show yourself, sure. I mean, come on. They tried and we shot them down. Well, I mean, I hope so.

I hope. Like, honestly, I support the military. If they are like, those were aliens and they won't show themselves. And the next time we saw them, we blew one up. I would be like, yes, that's the right move. Can't let these guys just fly around our planet. Like, we don't know what the fuck is up. Yeah.

This alien's skipping in line. Yeah. He handled it with grace. Yeah. We're going to be alive. I would love it. They're like, oh, yeah. Like, we've been here for years.

What do you think an Italian is? And it's like, oh, that's why they're all italians italians matt wayne used to call him italian i don't know no it's a play on words italian aliens yeah sure i gotta piss i love i love that too and they're always they always talk about fucking the pyramids and shit. And it's like aliens must have built it. It's like, why? Yeah. For what? Why? Right.

None of it makes any sense. They flew here from space and they're going to make a stone monument. That's fucking bullshit. Why wouldn't they tell them about metal? Yeah, they flew here. Yeah. Yeah. Tell them about titanium.

Yeah. Aluminum. What the fuck? Are you an alien guy? You think aliens are cooking around? I get the Carl Sagan quote of, if there are no aliens, it's an awful waste of space. Right, but you're not

thinking of just space. It's time. Right? Yeah, yeah. It's like they don't exist now. They just existed a billion years before or a billion years later. Yeah, well, that's the thing. Well, that's the, I guess the thing is, that's the Fermi problem or whatever, is that based on how old the universe is,

there should be fucking life everywhere. Right. No, I don't know. I mean, maybe, but like the fucking insane amount of quiddincidences you need to hit life is pretty it's pretty hard yeah yeah line up but that's how big the universe is it's pretty fucking big yeah it's so big and they just need to know how to get here yeah that's the thing too and they're like i mean think about it it's like we've only been really doing cool shit for like

2 000 years yeah like five yeah Maybe a little bit longer than that. My back. But it's like your back hurts. Something happened. I think I twisted it. You can put this a little support. That's what happens when you get old, man. You just sit in the wrong way and now my back hurts. Yeah. I did that on the train today. I was like this. Now I'm like

a crick in my neck. That's going to be a piece of cake. Yeah, because we both fucking need it yeah dude yeah this adds from something we both should be doing yeah i seriously not i need to start talking to somebody this is crazy i know it's absolutely crazy can't you know you can't burden your friends with this stuff. Yeah. Apology accepted. It's just like,

it's just, you gotta, yeah. You just gotta fucking, I keep saying it. Cause I keep thinking about it like dating. Like it's gonna, it's gonna be this long process that I don't want to start.

You know what I mean? Yeah. But it doesn't have to be, I would imagine. Right? Anyway, this is sponsored by BetterHelp, this episode. BetterHelp should have a thing in their app where you can see who your friends are talking to. Almost like Venmo or whatever.

You can see other transactions. Yeah, mutual friends. And be like, okay. That lady, is she good? Is Martha, is she speaking the shame? Yeah, you find your one friend that really seems like they got their shit straight. Or you find someone that's not talking to any of your friends. Yes. I'd want that.

Like, there's this comic therapist that I heard about like 10 years ago that only talks to comics. And I was like, fuck no, dude. Yeah. I do not want somebody who knows. Because once you wrangle one, it's like training a dog. Like once you wrangle one comic, he's got the secrets to all these other fucking idiots.

You know what I mean? There's just 10 more guys going, oh, you might like what, you know, he just now he's a cheat sheet. Yes. He's a quarterback. Flipping him going like, I won't code is this. Yeah. I know how to get out of this guy's fucking head. Yeah.

Dude, my brother was seeing a lady and she said recently she was just like, you're good. Really? Yeah. She was like, we did it. You're good. She didn't need the money. I don't know. And he was like, what? Like we haven't even got started. Yeah. I'm just starting. And he was like, what? Like, we haven't even got started. Yeah, I'm just starting to...

Was he naked in the Zoom? She was like, you're fine, dude. I can't do this anymore. I've seen her in person and he was just saying that she was just like, nah, you seem like you did it. Yeah, I think I'm going to do it this week. I can't tell whether I respect that or I don't like it.

I respect it a little bit. Listen, if it's after three weeks or a month, you know enough. She does it in the first episode. It's kind of shady. Yeah, yeah. Right? You don't know anything.

Right. I mean, even if you're fucking them, you don't know anything about that person. But isn't it the talking that helps? Like the talking this stuff through? Yeah. And you have to assume as a therapist, which I don't know,

better helps professionals will do this, but you know, you know, they're going to put the, the, their first, like, I don't know,

six meetings are still a costume. Yeah. You know, you're taking your costume off. Like, how do I get to know this guy? Yes. Everything he says to me for the first few hours,

it's not really what he wants to tell me. Of course. The first three months. Yeah. Yeah. You're fucking feeling each other out. Yeah. The course. The first three months. It's a boxing match, dude. You're fucking feeling each other out. Yeah. The first,

the first three months is just you fucking, you made up a thing. Yeah. To focus on. Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah.

You don't get down to the. Yeah. The whole time. I mean, the first three meetings I'm staring at that woman's nose going, what? I'm going to listen to this. Yeah.

What's her eyelashes face? Yeah. What does this guy do with the rest of the day? I'm like, yeah, my dad beat me with a belt. Why are you wearing so much makeup? Yeah. When life gets you feeling overwhelmed, Owen, working with a therapist can make you feel prepared and take on life.

True. What if I, I don't want this, I don't want them fixing you that much though. You know what I mean? I mean. I'd take all, I'll take the fixing. The fact't want them fixing you that much. So, you know what I mean? I mean, I'd take all, I'll take the fix. And the fact that you believe it can be fixed, the better helps the therapy option.

That's convenient, flexible, affordable, and entirely online. Just felt a brief questionnaire. Get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist at any time for no additional charge. That's big. Yes. This is, that's in the clause for me. That makes additional charge. That's big. Yes.

See, this is, that's in the clause for me that makes me want to do it more. Yeah, you can jump around. Yeah, I'm getting charged $5 for canceling Uber when this fuckface can't figure out around a block. Dude. You know what I mean? But if I'm talking to somebody and I'm like, I don't like this dude. If I see an Uber miss an exit, it's like cancel the trip, dude.

It's nuts. You're going to make me wait 11 minutes now? Well, guess what, Chris? It couldn't be easier. If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com slash stuffisland today to get 10% off your first

month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash stuffisland. 10% off your first month. Yeah, maybe I'll do it. I think we deserve a free trial run. To be honest with you. And it's a flat

fee that you pay and then you just get to choose a therapist? Yeah. Well, they choose a therapist for you based on your questionnaire. Because I did the first step. I filled out this questionnaire. They ask you a series of questions which they can then pinpoint what specialists in a certain

area of therapy that you might be. Yeah. Yeah. See, that's not going to work for me. No, the questions are fine. No, no. I'm just saying that it's like Give me a little credit.

Yeah. I'm going to make it more difficult. You're not going to know who I am based off your little questionnaire. You're not going to nail it on the first try better help sorry yeah keep the bits going do you think they're aliens i think they are i don't know that they've come here i don't think we've seen them it seems crazy they would come here and not just be like hey how's it going yeah but i also get it it's like hey man we don't want to like you know when you have like a friend

who's dating a shitty girl and you're like i really can't interfere yeah like i think that's kind of what they're doing with us like you're like we can't get involved in that this whole planet is a shitty girlfriend yeah yeah if you have the ability to fucking move up beyond the laws of physics you don't want nothing to do with us right well who is it that said that they better have a good explanation they better be, we tried it like five times. We tried it. Yeah. The greatest analogy I heard.

Civilizations just kept destroying themselves. Yeah. Yeah. So we just said, let them ride it out. I would love for them to come and just be like, we're in control now. Don't worry. You're going to have food. You'll be fine.

But no more. You guys really can't regulate yourselves. Right. You know what? I always think about like, you know, when a duck is like an oil spill and then like people are cleaning the ducks or like if someone finds like a squirrel in a fence and they fix it, I wish we had that. I wish it's like,

yes, you know, it's like, someone's like, I got cancer. Some fucking guy, like some big ass hand grabs me, fixes me up,

puts me back. You know, I hate being the top of the food chain. Chris, this is what you should have done. You should have knocked that bitch out and took that nine year old home. Yeah. Now that's your kid.

You would have raised her like a good gal. Take her to soccer practice. Yeah. A month later, I'm like, we talked about this. They're not open. Don't move the ball. She was right the whole time. There was an astronomer, I forget, I don't know, physicist or whatever you call him.

He was like, it might have been Hawking. I don't know if it was Hawking, but talked about how you feel walking over an ant farm and seeing ants do their own thing and live in their own organism and their organization of their whole thing. And he's like, you're not bothered by that you're like how fucking stupid these dudes are they're just trying to eat and trying to get by yeah so he the analogy was like they come over us and like look how fucking dumb these ants are yeah and they piss off like i don't what am i gonna do to help these idiots they're so far

beyond where we are and if you do believe in aliens and the vastness of the galaxy, there's so many areas where life could potentially be. I mean, we've already located so many that, that have the same elements of earth within our galaxy. And there's billions of galaxies. Yeah. You don't think there's pods of these dudes bopping around going,

I was, you know, right. Just jumping on the turnpike, heading down South, see what's up. these dudes bopping around going, all right, what's up? You know? Right. Just jumping on the turnpike, heading down south, see what's up. And then they come back going, no. But if they're spaceship. No, there's no way. You think it's like there's people like on vacation and they stumbled on us?

Well, that'd be, that's interesting. That makes more sense. They're like, whoa. I mean, we can't. Key West is pretty fucking cool, dude. I don't know anything about turtles. I didn't touch them, but there's, look at them. They're like, whoa. I mean, we can't. Key West is pretty fucking cool, dude. I don't know anything about turtles. I didn't touch them, but there's, look at them. They're over there.

It's like that kind of thing. You know what I mean? When you see it, dude, it's like a sea lion colony or something. And it's like, whoa. Did you get involved? No, I don't know. I'm not going to touch. Yeah.

In your 20s, the first time you see an iguana, you're like, what? Fucking land lizard. We don't have those. We only have those million frogs yeah you think you're in another fucking plane you drove three hours dude you're in south carolina you trash bag aliens just show up in ukraine they're just hitting me with water spray like stop it stop it what are you doing like annoying cats yeah yeah yeah totally that would be incredible if the alien that's why they don't like show themselves it's because they're like it's literally just like tour guides

you know what i mean it's like they're just on vacation there's a tour guide and they're like there's a great planet they're doing some wild stuff you gotta be super quiet yeah you're looking for five days of relaxation. You can just watch them. They got a whole thing. I don't know what they're doing yet, which is fun. This is where we used to be.

You could be there when they destroy themselves. Yeah. This is going to happen soon. Dude, this is the conversation I had with my Uber driver last week. He was like, he's from like Brazil or something. And he asked me where I was from. I was like, I'm from Philly. He picked me up from the airport and we came back from, uh, uh, San Antonio.

And he was like, um, he's like, oh, I'm going to, I'm going to Philadelphia next week with, with my wife for the first time. I was like, what? He's like, yeah, we're going Saturday. I was like, do you know what Sunday is? I was like, it's a fucking Superbowl. Could you imagine? Dude.

And I was like, you have no idea what's about to happen. Yeah. If it does, in the greatest case scenario, it's still going to be an experience you can't see anywhere else on Earth. Right. Especially in that fucking city. Yeah. So you're not going to get a restaurant. You're like, order in.

Yeah. And if it happens, walk outside for 10 minutes and get the fuck back in. But it's sad to see. That was like World War II for alien tourism. That was like, you're not going to believe what's happening. It's crazy what's going on right now. This happens never. There's a fat

white guy in front of the art museum screaming at a million people. It's like, you know, I'm going to Florida. It's like, you know, Hurricane Andrew's coming, right? Jesus. That's a 94 reference. Dude, right in my wheelhouse. Guns N' Roses cutoff tape, baby. Yeah.

All right, let's go to the page. Head over to the page. Yeah, because we got to do some ads. Oh, I thought you both looked like you were getting up. All right.