Stuff Island - Stuff Island #7 - that's english now w/ Ian Fidance

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

Ian Fidance swings through and it gets wild Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What were you talking about peeing? Yeah, look, I talked about peeing. I had all of my pants. What? Oh, you post-piss piss? Yeah. Yeah, dude. I have to hang around.

You got something with your prostate. Come on, let me look at it. Shut the fuck up. Is that on? Are we recording? Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's gonna make... It's not a prostate issue. This time last year, I was at the prostate at the prostate the urologist i've been having

a bad day and you're gonna put this in my skull now you're fine why what's wrong with your day as soon as i got to the gym there's this guy don't say it like that what oh tommy's got another thing wrong with this day it's not i went to i walk in the gym. I see this guy has been the friendliest fucking human being I've ever met on his borscht belt tour. Here's another thing. Have you heard about this? What happened?

He steals my fucking He steals my ottoman. It's true. I know. I like that move. Yeah, I do too. He's got a fucking power move

when he gets in here. He's like, you got cancer anyway. Let me get your foot holder. I walk in the gym and you have to catch an elevator, and the guy's leaning against the sandwich shop that's connected to it. What? Yeah, it's very...

The gym is... Yeah, there's a sandwich shop in the basement. It's got a gym next to Joey Rose's? No, it's open. I don't know how... So I see his face. Every time I see his face, it gives me joy. Was he waiting for the elevator or was he just loitering?

He was talking to some fat-titted reed. Oh, God. The sandwich. Some fat-titted reed. I'm getting better. I love it. So I say hi. As soon as I see him, he he is the most loving welcoming face you can

imagine he's got a singed leg because he was in a motorcycle accident it's Cigarette when you put it out to smoke later. The whole foot's just ash. It's permanently fixed. So he hobbles around the gym like this. So this guy has a bad day every day. I think I'm like Adam Sandler and Mr. D. I am very, very sneaky. He's got a bad leg. And he's the one that should be pissed off all day long. And every time I see him, he's always...

Instead of you. Instead it's me. Two working, beautiful legs that have cancer apparently. off all day long and every time i see him he's always you he's always said it's me two working beautiful legs riddled with cancer his legs could not do the ass cancer yeah and he's leaning against he's leaning it's his thing and i was like i was like hey buddy and he wasn't smiling he goes i gotta tell you you uh you don't look good i was like he said he did one of these yeah he like fucking he went oh my god you could say i don't look good in the face then he went to my outfit and i was like what the fuck and he's like i'm a man i say i say what what i feel you know me i'm very honest i

tell you when you when you look good and when you don't look good you you don't look good you've been eating right no it's like probably not. Oh my God. But Jesus Christ. You got pee dribbling out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the gym yeah oh my god no that's junior you go on the bridge when he's lost for like three days you go to the gym you're like you guys got gabagool yeah so i was like dude i was hoping to have like a nice workout and get my head straight now i'm just gonna run till i throw up this guy really put it on me who does he think he is exactly well he's so say that to people he's he's so of of all people like i that i've never had a man talk to me like that before but he's so unassuming and he's not aggressive so i was like what why why do you say that i had like follow-up questions hey how you doing you don't look so good looks like you got a spiders

in your brain happy holidays yeah happy holidays and i got on the elevator I was hitting Like the fucking Close button Like I was Fingering a hook Hey Party of Christmas Go see a non-ecologist Jesus Christ

But yeah I got the You got a piss stand In your pants I was telling Chris I worked with John Heffron In Raleigh

Oh no shit No it was a while It was like six years ago Immediately bored Oh no shit How's he doing I don't know Oh no kidding Anyway he had a joke about It was like six years ago. Immediately bored by the sound. Oh, no shit. How's he doing? I don't know.

Oh, no kidding. Anyway, he had a joke about, you know, you go potty, and then when you come out, your bird's kind of like, like, I'm not done. Yeah. I'm going to spit some more up here, and I'm going to ruin your fucking pants. Dude, I do a thing where after I shit, I then have to go back and pee yeah i do the same thing

you don't pee during the shit i do i do i do yeah i'm gonna go again i have a final p i finished finished the duke duke and then stand up and urinate for pp yeah i get a second shit sometimes really yeah yeah problem i do that no no you shit it's one of those first one it's when the first ones. It's one of the first ones really blasts at it. You don't want to look so good. This is actually good. This is such a psychological fuck that I'm going to start using it. Oh, dude.

To strangers. Oh, yeah. Hey, don't. You don't look so good. You sick? Just walk away. Dude, it probably turned his whole day around. He was having a bad day.

And he put it on me. Yeah and now he's fine i may have a he's like got him like happy holidays and fucking shit yeah i was gonna say you don't look so good but never mind shut up it's so good to see you bub you You too, bro Yeah, you're fucking You're a wild boy Yeah I wish you knew him when he was drunk I did for a little bit Did you? I think so

You know when all your friends get sober It was like right when I started You were still boozing a little bit Really? Yeah, I think Maybe I'm wrong I don't know I was so new that I wasn't really hanging out with you guys

But I just assume everyone was boozing When Kevin Ryan moved to the city the first the first time I saw him I was like hey what's up man want a beer

and I had him in my backpack I was like yeah great you can drink whatever you want what happened to you I was like I don't know

the one the one story I always always remember this is how I still see you in my brain because you still act you act like a maniac.

Which is why you're the best. You were drinking in the Noche days, right? Remember Noche? Were you ever a Noche guy? I wasn't drinking when I was in Philly. But then when I went to New York, I started drinking. I'd go back. Okay, word.

Remember that bar me, you, and Nunn used to go to in East Village? Like First and Tenth or some shit? Yes. I was following you. Was that Cheap Shots? I forget the name. Some real fucking dive. I got kicked out of Cheap Shots.

We used to get pitchers. Yes. And we used to put a straw on a pitcher and smoke it. That definitely sounds like a low. Getting kicked out of Cheap Shots. Compared to all the shit that happened, that was a high. Dude, you know what I'm waiting to do?

This guy that I... Got kicked out of Roadhouse for fighting. I met this guy at a gay bar and I let him, you know, whatever,

for some coke and then went back to his place and told him I lied and was like, you know I work for Saturday Night Live. You give me coke, I'll read one of your scripts.

So he sent me one of his scripts. It's a musical called Lower East Side Ballers And I want to read it on a podcast so bad Oh my god Musical numbers, it's insane Oh my god

Insane So there's good coke Oh yeah And then I stole money and coke And he caught me in the street and made me give it back. Really? Was it a fight, or was he like, come on, dude? No, I sheepishly was like, you're right.

And just gave it back to him. But I have his script. Oh, fucking Lower East Side Ballers? Lower East, L-E-S Ballers. Dude. P-A-L-L-E-R-Z. Of course it is. Jesus Christ.

Of course. Is it about basketball? Is it about loving basketball? It's about a guy that uses basketball to get his life right. God damn. He was an athletic boy. On the Lower East Side, yeah. Dude, it's so bad.

What? Dude, singing about basketball has to be the worst thing I've ever heard. Oh, yeah. Any singing, anything. And it's not even in script outside of real music. Singing comedy or singing, like if you watch a fucking musical, get out of here.

It's the only movie I've ever walked out of was Chicago. Oh, dude. I had no idea. No, no, no. I'm talking about, yeah. There's so many.

There's a couple musicals that are all right, though. Yeah. Like what? Like Music Man's pretty good. Mamma Mia? You don't like Mamma Mia yeah you're like mama i'll tell you what i did go to the jersey boys when i was in college that was a live live production

i would have been blown i would have been blown the les comes I would have been blown The LES baller I wish I could find it Dude That was unbelievable Lower East Side ballers No, Music Man's good No, but I'm talking about Like when it's Like either

Book of Mormon's good That's a musical Yeah I've never seen that But I've heard it's amazing Damn I don't mean I don't mean that high level

Of production I mean like musical comedy Or watching a movie That's strictly a musical Yeah, yeah Dude South Park Bigger, Longer, Unc watching a movie that's strictly a musical. Yeah, yeah. Dude, the— South Park, Bigger, Longer, Uncanny is incredible. I heard that's incredible. It's amazing.

Musical. Yeah. But they know how to do it. That's a different planet of musical. You're talking about like Rent or something like that. Rent was pretty decent. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. The further we get along in the show, the more inflamed your prostate is getting. I did like Mr. Mistoffelees. I'll tell you no. This is awesome. No, I had no... Tommy just sheepishly starts singing. Cats.

Wait till you see my back tattoo. I've been hiding for years. No, it's fucking... It's just a giant Mr. Mistoffelees. I just don't... I can't physically get through watching people sing a message. You have multiple times. No, I've only done it once.

It was Jersey Boys. It's telling an interesting story about Degos. There you go. I was like, this rules. No, I just watched Tick, Tick, Boom. What's that? That's about the guy who made Rent, but it's about his one-man show. I thought you were going to say the Unabomber.

It was. That's a killer P.O.D. song. Tick, Tick, Boom. Is that Scar? No, P.O.D., Pable on Death. Wait, I thought it was a Click, Click, Boom. Oh, yeah. Click, Click, Boom.

Oh, I know that song. Tick, Tick, Boom. I know that song.O.D. Pable on death Wait I thought it was A click click boom Oh yeah Click click boom Oh I know that song Yeah yeah yeah I know that song Right Click click As he's loading Two guns right Ah

Yes Tick tick That's a bomb That's a bomb That's about to get off Yeah And that's someone Trying to talk about

Tick tock with a scutter They quit I don't Boom McKeever and I did a A video for A heavy metal band TikTok with a stutter. They quit. Boom. McKeever and I did a video for a heavy metal band. No way. Yeah. None directed it.

Iron Regan. Iron Regan. They're so good. I love them. They're amazing. That's awesome. They were so fucking cool. That's great.

It ruled. I dig them. Yeah. It was in a North Philly warehouse. It was cold as fuck. Yeah. And it was in a north philly warehouse it was cold as fuck yeah and it was just basically good cop bad cop what kind of metal was it it's i mean he knows hardcore music it's heavy it's you know music i would you know hate leave yeah yeah but it's great i mean for for you know have you ever seen a jersey boy yeah it's music that you can't pay your rent if you know what i'm saying

live is fun live a live metal show is fun yeah i bet awesome it's not something i would listen to in my free time right but you listen to i don't really listen to anything i don't like listening to music it interferes with who i am he's fucked dude he's so crazy insane dude i don't listen to music he's an entertain entertainer. I do. I do. I do. I do, like, every once in a while. Ian. But, like, if I'm just moving around the house, like, if I'm just...

You're never moving around the house. Who the fuck are you? You know, he means getting up from laying down to go eat a half a bagel at nighttime. Yeah, you can't listen to music because there's no song that's ten seconds long. When I'm moving, it's a shaker and mover over here. When I'm cleaning the house. He's like vacuuming like Mrs. Doubtfire. I got to pick his fucking dead head up to get underneath of it.

No, it just, like, I have this problem. When I'm moving. It interferes. It feels like it's someone, I don't know, whenever I'm listening to a song, I feel like I'm wearing the clothes of the band that's playing. And I don't like that feeling. I feel like I don't want to wear this right now. I want to have my own thoughts.

I was just trying to explain this to him. Dude, don't, don't even. Wearing the clothes of the band, like a Buffalo Bill of music. It feels like, like, yes. Like I'm wearing the skin of Steven Tyler. I'm wearing Adele's tits right now. Because I like just thinking. I just like being in my own head.

And then when someone's playing music. Everybody else I know is trying to avoid that exact location. We were waiting for you. Yeah, dude. Whenever you turn on music in the shower, like every time you take a shower, you have to listen to music. I'm like, dude, just have the shower. you like every time you take a shower you have to listen to music i'm like dude just have the shower yes just because there's no music on any other time in my

life it's literally no other time i listen to music when i used to listen to music when i'm traveling or if i'm at the gym but he goes to the gym with me now so i'm like you don't gotta take the fucking earbuds when you work out no no i can't why but that pumps you and it pushes you to the next level i listen to sad music when i work out no yeah it was like depressing like elliot smith like yeah and like fucking ray lamontagne and like real weird sad shit i don't know why yeah it's no i i it's a problem because anytime i'm listening to music i'm like not this song not this song not this song like if i'm running if i'm like running you can control your music no i know but it's like now i gotta now i gotta go find now what

are you on napster no pandora 2001 out of respect for the artists yeah that's why music sucks i never skip and then i never skip in a song well. I get into a thing where I'm like, I don't want to listen to this song while I'm working out. And then I'm like, but maybe it's me. Maybe I need to come to where the song is. Oh my God. And then I'm in this whole fight. You know how crazy you are, right?

Dude. What kind of a fucking fun house do you have between your ears? Exactly, dude. My God. All right, let me say this. Before you walked in here, he was setting up all the cameras and shit. And then there was about 10 minutes of silence waiting for you to enter. And I'm checking like Instagram or some shit.

And I just hear him going. And then he's just chewing on a nail. And I look over and he's staring at me like this and I don't like silence so I was like what's wrong and he goes

I was just thinking about how much of a piece of shit I am I was like dude take it easy oh that's such a

misrepresentation oh that's what I saw and heard. No, well, you were like, you're just sitting over there staring at me, chewing on a nail. Yeah. The funny thing is I was thinking about how disgusting I am. Worse. Dude, I was thinking about. That's worse.

This is what I was thinking about. I was thinking about how we have to give a shout out to Dorothy. Oh, yeah. Shout out, Dorothy. It's a local watering hole. Junior punch. And then I was thinking about how we should also give a shout out to Mike

at the laundromat. I like Mike. And then I was like, I can't believe Mike remembers my name. That's like incredible. People go in there all the time. I can't believe he remembers me. And then I was like,

I wonder if it's because I shit my pants all the time I can't believe he remembers me he's like oh there's a there's old shitty Christian and urine paints Tommy yeah that's the way my brain was working no I don't like shit myself hold on I didn't know this this is disgusting old folks home and incontinence. Hold on. I didn't know this. This is disgusting. This house is an old folks home. Do you shit in your underwear? This is a late stage fucking old folks home.

Hold on, dude. Hold on. Jesus Christ. Hold on. What haunted house? This used to be a place of fun and leisure. Now I'm walking in and you guys are shit, defending yourselves, sitting there mumbling, I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. Leisure Now I'm walking in And you guys are shit Defensing yourselves

Sitting there mumbling I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself Turn that music off Yeah I gotta hear my own shit I gotta listen to my own shit Hold on a second

When you shit You go I gotta save these underwears Cause they're They're my favorite You don't throw them out No no no I'm just saying that

I get, you know... Skid marks. Yeah. What? No! What do you mean, no? You shouldn't have skid marks. It's an adult, dude. Why not? Sometimes. Buddy, you don't drink anymore. You should never have... A skid mark is if you fart or something and particles

get out and then you... Throw them out! Throw them out! This is what happens. Throw them out. This is what happens is that in the morning. I fart. Every morning. 8 a.m. I shit myself. I have a combination of a couple of farts and a very itchy asshole. That's why.

That's why your asshole itches. So I scratch my ass. This is so disgusting. You pissed yourself and you haven't changed your pants dude go sit on a fucking folding chair you dirt ball I just picture

Chris in bed with a girl and she's like twirling her hair like I can't sit he thinking he's like I fucking hate

what you're doing yeah oh my god that's all the time yeah you gotta toss the undies no matter what the worst part

is when I'm in that yeah when someone asks me what I'm thinking. So if this case were to happen, I'm not saying it happens all the time for you, maybe, but if you get a little squirt, you don't go, oh shit, and then go into the shower and like take care of yourself. You just let it fester. You're sitting on your own piss. No, no, no.

Meanwhile, I'm like, the tip of my penis is really itchy. Your underwear is so soaked that the outside of your pants got soaked. You have a piss stain on your pants. I'll tell you what. You're judging him? I'll tell you what. I am the most well-put-together man in this room. That is a scary realization.

Holy shit. I'm the mayor of wellness in this small town of fuck-ups. How are you doing? I'm great. How are you doing? I haven't shit myself. I haven't pissed myself. No old men are telling me I'm looking terrible.

Things are great. The guy had a fucking singed leg, too. Singed leg. You know what I should have said? He hasn't backed off. Hold on. I fucking singed leg too. Singed leg. I know. You know what I should have said? He hasn't backed off. Hold on, hold on. I'm not done with this. You know what?

It truly is. That's actually what happened. It was like he put an IED in my fucking skull. You know when you allow someone to talk to you like that and you're like, the next time I see

this fucking guy and you think about what you should have said, I'm like, oh yeah, yeah. I look like shit. Why don't you come up here and watch me run on the treadmill like a deer you fucking hobbit you said you're one to talk peg leg exactly but he's a very sweet guy yeah no play ready i'll say what you should i'll

walk ready okay i'll be the guy oh you're not looking so good sport oh he's irish now what is that what was he that would be funny oh what are you irish now what was he bangladesh oh look at you sir to be honest i don't you are not looking good he looks like everything really yeah oh he's like the perfect new yorker yes he looks he looks indian puerto rican he talks normal but he but it's almost like a very soft, quiet delivery. He'd be like, good to see you. You look great. Typically, you look great. Good to see you.

Usually, you look great. Hey, how are you? Yeah, man, you got to get in here earlier. It's great vibes. He's like a weirdo. You think he's kind of hitting on you, but he's not. This isn't the guy who watches CNN on the iPad. No, no, no. That's that fucking long-haired he looks like the guy from uh

uh big man on campus luga luga maluga you never seen big mental campus are you he's a cake other people from queens my neighborhood's great man it's very diverse no parking yeah it's a, man. It's very diverse. No parking. Yeah. It's a park five blocks away. There's parking here. No. I didn't know you drive. I thought you just rode your bike everywhere. No, my gal has a car.

Oh. That's why you're posting pics of your happy marriage. I also hurt my back, so I haven't been able to ride a bike. That's right. You had a cane and fucking... It sucks, dude. Yeah, it's gangsta. I was hoping that stuck, man.

Is it still? Yeah. I really was. No, it matches the whole costume the cane i thought you meant the back problem no i hope you just like the cane you start twirling a cane i got an eight ball cane yeah did you i've had it for years i tried to make people call me eight ball but it didn't catch on let me tell you something you're not here old eight ball in and for different reasons we did a lot of coke together yeah oh yeah yeah

him and i got stories stories oh yeah i got a story for the patreon i'm not gonna tell it here all right all right yeah first night you were in town we got a big thing to coke yeah yeah what was this 2013 yeah good year bad year for me. I put you in a better position. You know? What? I sobered you up. It was probably because of me. No, you didn't.

Yeah, I did. I got sobered. You were the one that was like, you should drink again. You were buying away the drink. You just got to control it. It's about discipline. It's true. Well, you were one that I actually, I was upset.

Not upset. You know when you see There's a lot of The comics in this industry They get sober And you're like For what? Like what are you doing? And then you see guys like Ian

And you're like That's good That's good for him But at the same time At the same time Like you're losing a buddy You know you're losing a fucking Yeah but also

That's like a hot chick Hanging out with a fat girl The fat girl makes the hot chick look hotter I made you look great Really? Yeah Because you were so fucked up all the time? Yeah yeah yeah That's like a hot chick hanging out with a fat girl. The fat girl makes the hot chick look hotter. I made you look great. Really? Yeah. Because you were so fucked up all the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you weren't... Hold on. I like that that's the motivation for quitting. It's like, I'm making Tommy look too good. I gotta quit this shit. You look like when you were truly fucked up. You were a fun time. Jesus Christ.

What is wrong about that? Everything. And you were truly fucked up. You were a fun time. Jesus Christ. What is wrong about that? Everything. I went to jail like three times in a month. First of all, you're like, no, I mean, when your friend gets drinking, it's kind of like they're dead to you. No. What? Right, I'm not saying. I feel like he hasn't curbed the craziness at all.

I'm not saying the right things. Yeah, I'm one of the only people to get sober and it's like still a fun hang. You're right. That's my point. Yeah. That's my point. You're doing it. It's not like, have you heard about Jesus?

Yeah. I keep that shit to myself. Meanwhile, we're shitting ourselves and pissing ourselves. We're like, dude, you know what? Come back, dude. Come back. I can't listen to music, but you got to. Yeah.

Come back to music. Because my brain is such a circuit. You gotta drink again, man. He's too busy itching his asshole. You guys are sitting in complete silence watching each other groom yourselves. He's just itching his hair, your asshole.

There's this old dung. In silence, you can hear the pee seep through his pants. Why do you think there's a blanket on this couch? He blasts it away. No, if a blanket on the couch, like you own a German Shepherd. My point is, there are friends and acquaintances that they are very bad drugs. You know what I mean? They have a couple drinks, let's say a six pack or something, and they lose lose their fucking mind and they become unruly and just a dickhead for everybody yeah

he was always a really fun fucking hang but it became a problem i guess for for him and i'm not saying i guess whatever you went through and the funnest moment of of our relationship uh-huh i'm going back to the earlier story me you and none had a plan to meet in lower east side and i only lived like five blocks from this bar i don't know where you were traveling from at that point you might have been none was in bushwick i was in williamsburg okay and i noticed him like two blocks ahead of me. And I noticed him because he was firing on all cylinders to strangers. He was going, hey, buddy. And he was trying to high five people. He was doing gun slits.

I know you do. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. And I remember him. He was doing a guitar skip through the fucking walkway. God, that's amazing. Yeah, it was unbelievable. I'm like, this guy is just party time all the time.

And it was fucking beautiful. Yeah. And then, you know, I'll tell you what happened later that night on the Patreon. I didn't know he was already settled in before like six pitchers of beer. Oh, yeah. Was that the night that I was playing guitar in the bar and then I puked everywhere? I don't remember. Because I met up with you another time that happened. And then another time we met up at a bar and you were over here and I was over here.

And I had my head down. I was kind of passed out. And I woke up to a girl kissing me. And then they left. And I was like, hell yeah, let's go me and then they left and i was like hell yeah let's go and i went outside i was like ladies where we go you want more she was like no i got dared to kiss the druggist guy at the bar and leave us alone oh my god all right yes dude yes fuck yeah yeah you missed the best the fucking all time Ian dude he was

dude I don't think so no I think the best is yet to come yeah I like that attitude yeah

I like that you are better than ever that's not what I meant I meant I'm talking like his greatest hits you're giving a eulogy I was

I think it's more for you dude's life is going great it is basically I'm just going how'd you do it how'd you do it how'd you do it? How'd you do it? How'd you do it? No,

some people, some people just quit because they're like, I forgot words to my jokes. I'm like, pussy, you've never done anything wild. Yeah,

it's the best thing that could have ever happened to you. Forget your jokes. Drink more. I'll buy you a beer. Cut five minutes off that set. But did you change like your whole squad too? I mean,

like what was your like social change? I mean, dude, when you quit drinking, you got to fucking. I, when, when I quit drinking, like, uh, I had to go to rehab in 2009 and, dude, when you quit drinking, you got to fucking. When I quit drinking, like, I had to go to rehab in 2009.

And I was the only one in my friend group that had, like, a problem. Like, everyone else was, like, cool with it. And I was, like, off the deep end. So it wasn't a thing of, like, I had to stop hanging out with them because they were bad influences. I had to stop hanging out with them because it was just so hard for me to see everyone handle their alcohol. Yeah. And then it would make me want to drink again and go, I can be like them.

I can handle it. And then immediately, a buddy had to break into my apartment to take my keys because I loved drinking and driving. And he came in, and I was in a blackout watching a movie with Spanish subtitles. He's like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm trying to learn Spanish. Because I had heard that if you listen to Mozart

when you're asleep, it makes you smarter. So I thought if I looked at something in Spanish when I was drunk, I would like... It'll soak in. Yeah, I get it. I'll get it. Yeah, that's how you know how fucked up would like. It'll soak in. Yeah. I'll get it. I'll get it. Yeah. That's how you know how

fucked up he is. A thousand percent. Yeah. That's what I thought. I did that all the time. Instead of like. I was like watching Groundhog Day in Spanish

subtitles. Thinking that was like the. I knew something. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. I want to learn a language

so bad. I would love to speak another language. It makes me feel so bad that I know no. I know nothing. True. Yeah. I mean, we should really learn Chinese because that's. That's the hardest one to learn.

Yeah. Well, that's what's going to. We're going to get taken over. I know we'll win that one. Hmm. Oh, yeah. You what? We're already losing.

The language war. I think we're going to win it. Yeah. Really? Like, I can't believe people We're already losing. The language war. I think we're going to win it. Yeah. Really? Like, I can't believe people still speak, like, Italian or German. Why are you pointing at me? Well, I'm just saying. Why?

They don't stand a chance. In 100 years, no one's going to speak German. This is the worst argument I've ever heard. What are you talking about? What? Why would in 100 years? It's gone. It's going to be English and Chinese. Are you saying, like, if we saying like if you're not going to speak english in this country yes it's the opposite no

yeah no no the english english is great in that way where it doesn't matter what you do to it it just becomes english like what like entrepreneur this french word now it's english it drives me nuts it drives me nuts when someone's like you're the christopher columbus of language no i was listening to it timing is bad on this argument i would know i was listening to uh like an npr story and they were like uh no the Japanese have a word that we don't have in English. It's it's for it's called Mendoca. So that was the word. And what's it mean?

And I was immediately like, that's English now. It means like it's when something is like not really that hard to do, but you don't want to do it. What? Like understand this conversation. Dude, he's walking. You know, I you know i'm right i don't know what you're doing dude as soon as you say a word it could be english you mean like that shirt's a faux pas like a fashion faux pas yeah that's english now right yeah it's called translation no it's not it's it's got an. It's English. English is a mutt language. English has no...

Did you watch a documentary like 10 minutes ago and you're trying to find out what the summarization of it was? No, no, no. This is how I argue. I just don't like when people say... I watch one thing and I'm like, let me tell you. Let me tell you about the Aztecs, dude. Dude, I just don't like when people say that.

It's all jumbled nonsense. No, because come on. We make up words all the time. Shakespeare made up words. Yeah. And then they became words. Joan of Arc was a crazy woman. Google something, that's a new word.

Joan of Arc was a literal crazy person that convinced an entire army that God was talking to her and they gave her forces. What does this have to do with... With your mentality? What? The same fucking thing. What, you think I'm crazy? Crazy people. No. What does this have to do with your mentality? The same fucking thing. What, you think I'm crazy? Crazy people.

No. What? What's he talking about? What are you talking about? He didn't talk about crazy people. Wait, hold on. Did the mushrooms hit for both of you?

Am I in a K-hole? What the fuck? Jonah Vark. Look what we have, dude. What? Oh, we got the bad mushrooms. Do you do mushrooms at all? No.

We're not doing it. Totally stone sober. Yeah, we're not doing that. No, but these are the bad mushrooms at all no we're not totally stone's over yeah we're not doing that no but these are the these are those are the infamous mushrooms but anyway what was the joan are they the skank fest mushrooms oh dude get your hands off those things these are the walk us through this joan of arc thing that you just did yeah wait a minute hold on no backtrack you want to talk about english? Did you say words or... That's ours now. He said that's English.

You kidnapped. Yeah, dude. That's English now. As long as you kidnap words. You kidnap words. Tell me a word in another language. Tell me what it means. That's English now.

Dude, English has... Bibliotheca. That's English. Especially if you just throw it in in like an English sentence. Like if it's all, like if you're just fucking around with your boys and you're like, I'm going to go down to the bibliotheca. That's English now. Yeah.

Instead of just racist. Spanglish. No, it's English. They give the sp at the beginning just so they don't feel as bad. Wait, that's translating. No. So you're saying when you translate something. No, if it gets used.

Because you could translate it to English, that English now owns that. No, no's translating. No. So you're saying when you translate something, because you can translate it to English, that English now owns that. No, no, no. That's like the touch black, no trade back word. Yeah, once you start using it at all in English, if enough English people know it, like it's common, it's English. But there's more Japanese people using that terminology.

That's fine. So it's going to trump. The more Japanese people using that terminology. That's fine. So it's going to trump. The more English people that use it, the more it's ours. Yeah. It can become English. Anything can become English. What's the ultimate theory? Anything can become English.

But you say English is going to trump every other word. We have the best new words. Let me tell you something. The we. The we. It's the best part. The possessive we. I'm going to tell you about our words.

Who's got better words than us? Who's got better words? We're coming up with new words all the time. Yeah. Shakespeare. Yeah. Shakespeare was fucking 500 years ago. Jay-Z's coming up with new words.

Eminem's coming up with new words. That's not English. That's African- American English vernacular. What? Jesus. Jesus Christ. AADV. Worse.

Why are you putting walls up? What? Why are you putting walls? See, when you thought I said we, you didn't think I was including Jay-Z? No, I'm saying that that's not. See, that's your problem. English. That's your bias.

That's African American vernacular English, which is an offshoot of English. Yeah, they're part of the group. They're part of our group. You see them as different. That's your fucking deal. So everybody's English. Yeah, anyone who speaks English is English. But if they don't speak English, they're out.

If they're coming up with a new English... This is your... Hey, do me a favor. Go to the South Bronx. They ain't speaking English. No, they are. They're having fun. So this is your... Hey, do me a favor. Go to the South Bronx. They ain't speaking English. No, they are. They're having fun. So this is like your...

This is your perfect future. Like, yeah. It's sounding like your perfect future is a white ethno... No, it's not. This is your Hitler 1945 projection. No. This is what you want. Blue-eyed, blondes.

No, no, no. Speaking all the same language. Just make it up. Steal it if you have to. You guys are trying to hide your own racism by throwing it at me I'm pretty on the open about mine well see I don't feel that way

I think Jay Z's adding some good shit to new English and it's awesome who's got better words than us I can't get over if you ever listen to your commitment people try to rap german language no do they rap they try to but you the way you can't come up with new words you to change words you got to add things on to words it's it's mayhem

yeah it's an ugly language it was an ugly language before the connective tissue yeah and it's just genocide stop doing it and that made it worse. You hear a German guy yelling in a fucking coffee shop. It's very scary. Nobody needs German. If German's gone, nothing's different. German will never be gone. This is how you start at this.

You think Italians... Where English is going to swallow it. So no more Italians. What? No more Italians and no more Germans in your scenario. How are they going to go to the wayside? No, no, no. I mean, they'll be Italian, but they just won't speak Italian. The only way

for this to happen is to have armies conquer the areas where that native language is. And they can't talk to each other. No, no, no. And then push the English language on them. No, everyone in Italy already speaks English, probably. It would be like a grandmother teaching her grandkid

the Italian language. Yeah, but if you're getting rid of Italian, you then have to replace that with something. So you kill the grandmother so she can't carry the language. No, no, no. That's what I'm saying.

No one needs to die, guys. No one needs to die. Pillaging and conquering in the name of language. You guys are so narrow-minded. You can't think about change happening in any other way

but violent conflict. I think we must look at the counter and say, we have not smoked weed. As we interact with one conflict. I'm saying that as we interact with one another. I haven't had a drug or a drink since 2015. No one's going to believe this.

As we come together as people. When is this going to happen? It's already started. And you're saying more people are speaking English now than ever? It's the opposite, Chris. than ever it's the opposite chris no what it's the opposite we are the minority now yes i do what do i you keep thinking about this as an in a white racial way no no i'm talking about just english

as a language is more people are speaking it now than ever before. 100%. And you think it's going to push away other languages? I think some languages need to die. I think German needs to die. German needs to die. French needs to die. There's no need

for French. French gone. Italian gone. German gone. French and Italian are the most beautiful languages. So you're saying the Pope the Pope system is gonna get rid of Italian. The papal. The papal system. We are so

fucking stupid. The three of us are so dumb. The Pope system. I said in the last episode it's wild how much I don't know but this this is crazy. So you don't know, but this is crazy. So you don't know enough to know how right I am. That other language. The papal system?

The papal system is going to. Just drop it again and go continue. And he touched me like that. He did. He said, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go. You get him. You get him.

You bite his fucking leg. So you're saying that the papal system in Rome is going to just up and change. That's Switzerland anyway, isn't it? Isn't the Vatican Swiss? The Vatican. It's guarded by the Swiss. The Swiss could take the Vatican in a second. The Swiss can beat no one, dude. You know that.

No, they can't. Historically, who have they beaten? They're the sweetest boys. They're isolationists. They've cornered the market on pocket knives. Yes, that's it. That's it. They actually have more bottle openers than knives on their pocket knives. They're just trying

to help people, dude. They have toothpicks on the side of their knives. Which is why they're trying to help English. Yeah, dude, it's wild. This is such a wild fucking take. When the Vatican gets taken by tiny scissors. Dude, if I'm ever in a jam, do you remember getting your first...

Speak English! It's over. We got you. Speak English or I will cut the webbing between your fingers. My tiny scissors. I will clip your fingernails. I'll clip those fingernails too close. I'll get rid of all the white

stuff on the fingernails. First, I'm going to file them. You could. You could pluck their eyebrows dude the side tweezers were wild i'm gonna manicure you against your will the side tweezers remember the pump like reeboks like the side side tweezers on a knife i was like this is something i never knew i wanted nor need know. Nor needed. This is fucking great. And they always came in handy. God.

That was a ridiculous theory. I think it's a good one. That's a theory when you, like around people you hate. I just hate that stuff when they're like, you know, the Eskimos had fucking 40 words for snow. It's like. They still do. Fat lot of good that did them. Should have been thinking about Doppler.

Did you say fat lot of good? You're even using the racist terms they used against them in that year? What are you, an oil tycoon? What do you think, they know more about snow than us? Oh my God.

Not a chance. Fat lot of good, that did them. Jesus fucking Christ, dude. We're going to. Not a chance. Fat lot of good that did him. Jesus fucking Christ, dude. We're going to have to cut this. Fat lot of good that did him. What do you call a gay Eskimo? A snowblower.

Good Lord. Holy shit. Was that in the can? Like, were you like, I'm fucking talking about this today? No, it came up naturally. That is not a natural thought. It's even scary. Exactly, dude.

I don't listen to music. I think it bothers my thoughts of English taking over the world. No, no. Yeah, yeah. But it's not going to be. Good Lord, dude. It's not going to be the English now. It's going to change.

To imagine. Hold on a second. But it still will be English. I respect. I respect you. English needs to change, but it's still going to be English. I respect your ability to come up with a theory. Okay, let's get that first.

And you know what's next is not going to be good for you. To be an educated person that's not legitimately insane. Yeah. And say what you said that there will be no more French and no more Italian in the future. It's got to go. What are we doing? It's got to go. Yeah.

The whole language has to go. Yeah. I mean, it would be like a nice thing to look back at. Oh, my God. Is this an act? No. has to go. Yeah. I mean, it would be like a nice thing to look back at. Oh my God! Is this an act? No. Is this a character?

You don't do characters on the show. Are you fucking... Is this serious? Why? I didn't know you had such a love of French. I have a love

of all languages. I couldn't spit it out. Look, I don't have... You don't have a single one. No, I have. I have a love of all languages. I couldn't spit it out. You don't have a single one. I have a problem with this thought process thinking it's even possible. From the beginning of time, these people have established a language that you think is going to be wiped out

due to your thought process. We don't need it. It's spread because of war. So in order for English to overtake everything would be war. That's what he's saying. This is an early...

That's why I'm going to the violent aspect because that's the only way it can happen. Right. If you went to Hitler's early sketchbook, this was one of the theories

he probably talked about. No, no, no. Standing on a chair in an auditorium going, Do you think Hitler listened to music? No. He didn't have time

for that shit. No, no, but you think Hitler listened to music? Yeah. No. He didn't have time for that shit. He didn't have time for that. No, no, but you know, they spoke German. Right. He wanted the whole world to speak German because he believed the whole world should speak German. I don't, I'm not saying they should. You're exactly saying.

No, no. I'm just saying that's what's probably going to happen because German sucks as a language. But you are saying it should because you're saying we should get rid of these languages. Yes. Yeah, well, I mean, come on, let's get some of the

bad ones off the table. German. German's one of them. German sucks. It's useless. But also French. It's got no good qualities. French and Italian are the most...

Tell me something you could say in German that you couldn't say way better in any other language. Volkswagen. That's English now. Fuck, dude. God damn it. We'll be right back.

Yeah, just that was... If we had commercial breaks, that would be it. That would be it. What if this whole bit...

Yo, yo. What if this whole bit was justified? Just to nail... Just to nail that. That was so funny. I'm going to take these guys on a trip of my own psychosis just to hit a callback. I'm sweating.

Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I don't even understand. I don't even want to continue. It's over. Yeah, it's over. That's it.

That was the perfect ending. Don't ask Chris how he's doing anymore. Let's get back to my bad gym stories, for fuck's sakes. I'm not trying to take over a planet. Oh, fuck. I can't even see. See the stars twice. Oh, my God.

Yeah, dude. Oh, my God. Everybody got it now, boy. Dude. Yeah. This whole apartment's ripped with COVID. I thought I had it last night for about a minute because I put on one of these N95 super duper masks.

Yeah. And I couldn't breathe and my throat got scratchy. I was like, that's why? And I was like, oh, my God, I have COVID. The symptoms come on this fast. And I took it off and I could breathe again. I was like, and I was like, oh my God, I'm going, the symptoms come on this fast, and I took it off, and I could breathe again. I was like,

oh. Yeah, so what's your process in public? Are you, you hard left or hard, shut up, Chris. You hard left or hard.

What's your process in public? What? I'm asking like, are you like a, take it easy, Rachel Maddow. What the fuck was that? I'm asking,

what's wrong with that? It's a Maddow. What the fuck was that? What's wrong with that? It's a very natural question. Nothing about any of this is natural. I feel like we went so hard wild that I can't ask a normal question. Hard wild? A lot of fat good. That did you.

A lot of fat good. A lot of fat good. That did you. A lot of fat good. A lot. Fat good. I'm saying like, are you like a fucking. What's your process in public? Why? Nobody asks it like that. Nobody says, what's your process in public?

No, no, no, no. You go to the grocery store. What's your process? While we have you here, I almost asked, what's your process in public? What does that mean? All right, all right, all right. How do you handle it? Are you going on the train?

You wearing a mask on the train? Yes. Yeah, of course. You wearing a mask outside? You walking on the street? When I'm no you smoke the only time

I wear a mask on the street is when I forget to take it off leaving the store yeah you know which is why

sometimes I see people wearing a mask alone on the street I'm like you stupid fucking fear mongering and then I'm like

oh maybe they forgot it I shouldn't be suggesting that. I try and convince myself that they have someone that's very susceptible to dying at home. Like a big 500-pound mom that's in a chair shitting her pants. What about

people alone in cars wearing the mask? That's crazy. Or I saw a dude riding... I've seen people riding bikes in the mask even worse that's that's more insane someone working out outside in a mask unforgivable yes totally working out yeah yeah if they're like on a run outside wearing a mask even in march and april last year initially i was masked on the street whatever and then i then I was like, no, I'm not. I was walking in the middle

of the street, like, near cars, not on the sidewalk, no mask, by myself, because I smoke. And people were looking at me like I was a fucking murderer. They were looking at me like I was going up to them, and I was like, hey, just so you know, he was a child as a

condom. Like, it was crazy the looks i was getting yeah uh yeah because i was i picked up smoking he did yes then he got then i picked it up because i would get covid yeah a million times i don't think i did i don't have a confirmed case he would start smoking and then it was just him and I in the apartment he's like I'm gonna go out back I'm like I'll take I'll take one and then

it became like a morning thing where I was like I love it I fucking loved it coffee and cigarette dude it's crazy

I am in the morning I get up I put my slippers on I put my robe on I feed the cats I put a pot of coffee on coffee's ready i make it for my gal i take it out front i'm smoking looking at all these fools wearing their clothes

and i'm all roped up it's amazing it is one of the best feelings it really is that's that's the thing like i don't know if i can give that up Well And driving with the smoke Out the window That I don't like The problem is I never got good at it Oh The smoking became The ash

I couldn't manage And my ash management Was a mess You make mistakes To get better I burned a lot of things Dude every fucking Drunk uncle had

Oh my god Dude All the burn marks Remember my old camera Yeah yeah Just the fat up top Burn hole Burn hole Burn hole Burn burn burn burn gungle head all the burn marks remember my old camera yeah yeah just the up top burn hole

burn hole burn hole burn burn burn the old white bringing the sunshade down or something no the old white

trash cars no because sometimes in the winter it's freezing so you only open the window that much and you're like

try to get it out the window but you hit the thing also cars growing up peeled like this couch because it's fake leather. So once it peeled, it would expose this weird foam that wasn't foam.

Yes. So once all that peeled, and then you could see. Very, very flammable. Exactly. And then you could see how trash your neighbors were or your friend's dad was. And you could count all the marks by the window as they tried to get out there. Fucking hammered, coming back from an Applebee's.

It looked like a foster kid's arm. Fuck, dude. Fuck, dude. Oh, my God. What a great... No shit. What a great tattoo. On your fucking forearm of like the hood, the inside hood of like a shitty car with all the cigarette marks.

Dude, I hated like therapists and psychiatrists when I was younger. And I had to go to them since I was like eight. And I would like go and then I wouldn't go. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, right, dude? Stop shaming them. Hey, yeah, why don't you take a note out of my book, that fucking English.

I'm not. If you tell me, tell me in Spanish so he won't understand. He won't understand any of it. Lo siento. Oh.

No, no, no. Si. Tengo una mental illness. English. That's our family. Oh, my God. So eight years old. Go to the laundromat in my neighborhood and try to steal their words. English That's our family Oh my god So eight years old Go to the laundromat

In my neighborhood And try to steal their words You can You can do it So you're Go ahead Continue So I was like 12 or whatever

And I hated this psychiatrist So I Put pen marks All over my arm And in his office I was just going I'm really sick I'm really sick At eight He was like No no no I his office, I was just going, I'm a little sick.

I'm really sick. At eight? No, no, no. I was like 12. I was like 13. Oh, much better. I just, I straight up was like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting.

Just like, boom, boom, boom, boom. Just doing whatever I could to not talk about anything. Skyrocketing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was gnarly. The doctor was like,

this is, I've never seen anything like this before. I know, but it, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was gnarly. The doctor was like, this is, I've never seen anything like this before. I know, but it does feel like, Troubled child. I went to therapy for a while and it does get to a place where you're like,

I gotta come up with some good shit today. Like, I can't just walk in there. Yeah, you gotta come up with some bits. I could see you at 12 being like, I gotta,

what do I got? I gotta pen, I gotta, you know, like trying to MacGyver a bit. Talk about all this stuff and I'm like, no,

you're not getting in here. Yeah. I'm gonna drink this away all this stuff, and I'm like, no, you're not getting in here. I'm going to drink this away later. Well, yeah. My therapist's name is going to be Crystal Palace. And he's going to cost $12.99 a half gallon. So how long did you go? Eight to what?

Off and on. Like group therapy at eight, off and on. Because my dad died When I was eight Yeah So it was a thing of like You know Nobody knew what to do So like just

Whatever And I I like couldn't process it Until like later But I've been in therapy Since 2015 Multiple different therapists And I finally found

Like a Really really good one You don't go to the Comic therapist right No I can't Yeah That's crazy yeah

i'm not saying good whatever i could not imagine going to one like an oracle of everyone's information right you know i just i don't like that yeah yeah you know i have a hard time do i still have a paper bag over my head when i see mine you won won't know who I am. What are the qualities of a therapist that you looked for? Somebody that knows me well enough to call me on things, to notice my patterns,

to help me recognize when things crop up, to challenge my thinking and not just listen to me and let me get it out of my system yes this is a woman this is your ideal woman someone that gives me things to work on and think about because i'm very very resistant in the moment to like hear things but i let it seep in throughout the week and that's when i make the the change and and and let it do like a slow drip. Yeah.

But at the time, I'm like very resistant. And I'm always very honest. Like, hey, I took what you said into consideration. I wasn't willing to hear it at the time, but I do listen. It just takes me a while to process,

you know? Yeah. I want a therapist that's fucking on my ass, you know? You don't like that because anytime I'm on your ass here, you don't like it. You don't respond well. You're not a therapist. Yes, I am to him. Yeah. You know? You don't like that, because anytime I'm on your ass here, you don't like it.

You don't respond well. Yeah, you're not a therapist. Yes, I am to him. Yeah, you're not a therapist. I put my glasses on. No wonder he's got these fucking evil genocidal thoughts. No, it's not.

Guys, you have evil genocidal thoughts. You guys need to, honestly, you need to deal with them. It's making me uncomfortable. I'm just talking about language here. And you guys, all of a sudden, you're executing grandmas. No, but that's...

I don't know how you got there. All of those qualities are like what you want in a partner as well, right? I mean, like, I don't have a therapist. I should have one. But you should also never make your partner a therapist. I do.

No, I know, I know. I'm saying... But you do want someone that... The innate qualities of someone that's going to call you on your bullshit, listen to how you can be better, give you a little push towards, you know, a better future for your relationship

or your life individually. All that stuff is like, looking back on past relationships, those qualities within each person, all 17 of them, I can remember, you know, this person was always pushing me to be better yeah pushing me in the right way whether you took it and you were ready to take it it could take some time until you you know what can you imagine not thinking how crazy this is to start laughing when someone is deep diving into their own personal bullshit first time ever

tommy was getting deep. The piss wasn't even dried on his pants, and you're bringing it back to you. He starts laughing. I go, what did I do? And he goes, no, nothing. I was just thinking about something on my own. He was thinking about a tailgate in a fucking Eagles game.

No, I was thinking about how the thing that pisses me off is if you ever get in a relationship. This is how you hijack English, by the way. You just start laughing when someone starts talking. I was thinking about how. Like, what pisses me off in a relationship is, like, when you get in a fight, and it's like, I bet I could tell you exactly why you're mad. Like, I bet I could outline for you. I know exactly why you're mad at me.

I bet you don't have the foggiest fucking clue. What's pissing me off. You want to take, you want to do that? I'll, I bet I can, I bet I can tell you exactly like perfectly why you're mad at me. You know what I mean? You guys know what I'm talking about? I don't talk to women like this, but yeah, I get, I get what you're saying. You just get to a place where it's like, you're trying to tell, you're trying to explain what's going on with to tell you're trying to explain what's going on with you they're trying to explain what's going on with them and it's like i totally understand the thing and i've i fucked up or i apologize for it now try to understand where i'm coming from and like when they can't do it yeah yeah oh it drives me fucking crazy and then they're like yeah nah listen to me it's like watch me i will repeat back to you

exactly right what your argument is. Isn't that kind of how you just treated me, though? I know. I was telling you how I felt, and you laughed through it. And then said, let me tell you how I feel. This is exactly your issue. It's unbelievable. Are we just teaching him his own bullshit?

This is what made me laugh. This is what made me laugh. She's like, this is exactly what's happening right now. You don't listen. Chris, you're staring off. What's wrong? Just thinking about Jenna's heart of language.

Oh, it's crazy. Let me tell you why I think you're funny. You're a funny little cooch. You're a funny little cooch. This is what's happening to me right now. Anyway, the problem with you is you don't understand When I feel

You thought It's my thought I thought Guys give me a chance That's exactly what made me laugh As I thought about saying this What I just said out loud And I knew how you guys would respond

You're a colonizer I'm a conversation colonizer You're a colonizer of language. You're a colonizer of thought. You're a colonizer of feelings. You are a colonizer. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, Chrissy O'Connor the colonizer. All right, I think that's about time.

No, get to an hour, he says. Mr. Pope, Mr. Pope, tear this statue down. Oh, Chrissy the colonizer. Dude, I'm going to call you Oak Colonizer from now on. Oh, my God. What a ridiculous mic.