Stuff Island - Stuff Island #71 - Minnesota Grind w/ Geoffrey Asmus

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

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Sorry. What's going on? Stretch out on the flank. It's better now. Now that the gel's out. Why? He said it. I saw him walking. Dude.

No, no. I was wearing just... I was wearing like a petticoat. Were you wearing my chain, dude? No. Dude, I'm... I literally saw him and I was like, damn, that guy looks good

yeah dude dude if you're upset with this i was rounding i was rounding i was i just yesterday it was all gelled up and i was like it was really crazy and the guy had like shaped my beard and stuff and i'm literally walking around blackbirds which is this bar on the corner. And I'm looking in the mirror being like, Jesus Christ, you fucking idiot. You look like a fucking moron. And all of a sudden, I hear Shane go, hey, Chris. I turn around.

And his head's out the window looking at me. And I was like, no. It's always the worst person in your life to catch you when you're down, dude. Dude, I was literally calling myself the F word in the mirror. It's like having shit in your pants, like, I hope I don't run into my ex-girlfriend. Oh, hey, babe. It's like, Jesus Christ. Also, if you think that's bad, you should have seen yourself two days ago, dude.

The shag? Yeah. You looked like a balloon rolled on a fucking barbershop floor. Just weird hair patches in different areas. I was kind of getting into it, though. I was ready to let this shag out and be fun. You got a good shag going on. I got a little shag.

I got a guy getting a new haircut. It's bad. You got the long on the side, short on the top going. Yeah, that's all I tell them. That's i know nothing about hair that's it i sat down at the barber he was like so what do you want and i was like i haven't gotten cut in like three months and he was like so what what were you like three months i'd like the three month cut please i'd like the quarterly cut of my hair that's what i want three months ago i was a different person so i can't tell you what i want he was like so should i do like a two on the side and i was like i don't i mean do people know that i know the guy just told me last time he was just like you have too much

hair some russian guy he just cut it off that's all it was that was the whole haircut yeah great you start talking he's like you also have too much personality i like when they don't speak english then you have to talk that's great that's fun you want You start talking, he's like, you also have too much personality. I like when they don't speak English. Then you have to talk. That's great. You want an immigrant haircut. That should be a business.

Just a bunch of brand new immigrants that can't talk to you. Don't you live in Astoria? I guess it is kind of. I've lived here. It is kind of here. You can't even talk to a checkout person. I love that. Yeah, you just point and go, that's actually cilantro. And they look at you like, I'll give you what you want, dude.

People are against immigrants. It's great. You don't have to hear them. You don't have point and go, that's actually cilantro. And they look at you like, I'll give you what you want, dude. People are against immigrants. It's great. You don't have to hear them. You don't have to talk to them. Welcome to Minnesota. It's great. That's on the welcome sign. Yeah, yeah.

Everyone speaks English here. Welcome to Minnesota. We're against immigrants. Dude, Minneapolis is the weirdest city, I feel like. Oh, I love Minneapolis. I like it too, but it does feel like it's the weirdest mix of being very nice and very shitty at the same time. Oh, it can go really, it can change in a block for sure. I describe it as like, it's like a cracked brand new iPhone.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shiny on the surface, but if you look really closely, there's like something back. They can afford the new iPhone. There's like some Somali sex trafficking going on. That's like kind of the underbelly of Minneapolis. One of the 9-11 terrorists was from Minneapolis. We got that going for like a lot of Somali

people live in Minneapolis. You trained there? Yeah, he went to flight school in Minneapolis. We're proud of that. They got his degree on the wall. They're like one of our best students. I'm not taking it down there on a one. He flew before he even got all the scheduled hours. He's a legend. Yeah flew before he even got all the scheduled hours. You know?

He's a legend. A legend in the game. Yeah, no one talks about the... The work ethic of the 9-11 pilots. Zacharias Moussaoui, I believe. Yeah, like a teenage genius getting through college in one year. He's like, this guy's up to something. He got through flight school in 500 hours.

He wasn't licensed to fly that jumbo jet. Where are you rushing to go? To bank it that way and hit the tar... People say it's impossible. They say it was a missile. They say. Watch loose change YouTube.

Jump off a pod. It's getting right into the 9-11. Get into the 9-11 conspiracy. People don't talk about it enough. I love it. So you like New York since coming from Minnesota? I love New York. You know, I lived here before and I hated it the first time, but I've matured

and now I like it. I feel like you gotta expect shit to happen and now it doesn't bother me anymore. Do you go home and you're like, well, this is terrible now? No, I love the quietness of Minnesota. It's fun. It's fun to slow down, but I would never want to live that life for more than like two weeks.

But it's fun to do like three times a year. Yeah. But you can't, I don't know how anyone lives in where I grew up. It's terrifyingly boring. Same. I mean, it's the same way in Philly for me. It's like, even if I go back to Philly, I'm like, I thought this was like hustle bustle. It's so slow.

You're like, oh, we can't get food at 3.30 in the morning. What are you talking about? If I could cross the street in the middle of your city at rush hour without looking anyway, like he live in Bodong tonight. Oh my God. We were in Houston last week. Me and my friend and we just crossed without looking if it was walking or not. Everyone's like, what

the fuck are you doing? You fucking renegade mercenaries. What the fuck? They couldn't imagine that wenegade mercenaries. What the fuck? They couldn't imagine that we were doing that. It's a dead end. They're still waiting for the light to switch. Yeah, my dad's like that. He's like, you gotta wait for the light, son. Come on.

He's got his shirt tucked into his jeans. Dude, in Austin for Shane's taping, McKeever and I were pulling luggage across the street, and we crossed, and the cop got on our ass. What? Yeah. They were going gonna get you for jaywalking he's like didn't you see the lines and i was like what yeah but i feel like he just

probably didn't like the way you're dressed or something yeah he saw you were out first of all you got luggage with you so he knows you're from out of town they don't like that yeah i would love to just take some money out of your pocket you know what i mean he doesn't like the way i look like a gay from the future yeah not in my city all these people are moving here yeah fucking yeah but i think if you grew up in the city you'd be like i gotta get the fuck oh i couldn't imagine growing up here fuck out i feel like that's how my parents are they're just like because there was a nice thing like for over the pandemic i went home and i was like damn the suburbs are it's peaceful you don't have to think you never have to think.

You can live your whole life and never have a thought. Where I grew up, at least. You open a door and go into like a backyard. Yeah. No, you never have to burn some meat. You think Chili's is good. We're like, oh, Chili's is great. I thought it was the best food in the world.

I was like, these are Chili's. That's the top two. Olive Garden, if you have the money. Any entrees, you can take any one there top two. Olive Garden if you have the money. Any entrees. You can take any one there. Any microwavable food you can pick. My dad fucks with Applebee's hard, dude. He will fight you if you disrespect Applebee's.

The half price apps after nine that got me through high school. That was our favorite thing. He established such a relationship with the bartenders that during quarantine, they'd like takeout only. But he'd only go there and like drink wine and bullshit with the friends. He'd drink at Applebee's? So he would go through the drive-thru just to order wine and say, hi to everybody. That's how much he hates

my mom. Get a little vino and drive-thru. Just arm on the drive-thru window, just standing there. You have a drive-thru Applebee's? He did, yeah. They'd take out, not drive-thru. Oh, I was like, that's next level.

We haven't gotten there in Minnesota yet. We don't have a drive-thru Applebee's. Yeah, like where you, you know, the front three spots are for people with no legs and then people that are so fat they can't wait, you know? You can't wait 20 minutes for them to microwave your mozzarella sticks. You gotta. They're both just the same speed. Oh my God, that's dark.

Did you guys do a lot of bowling? Oh yeah. Bowling's great. You know, I did that. That's the, I feel like that's a small town Midwest thing. A lot of my role.

Yeah. Different, like smaller towns, definitely bowling alleys. Oh yeah. You could still, still smoking them until like the early two thousands. I think.

Yeah. Every time I bowl, I get to like the third frame. I'm like, all right. You know, it's like a, no, it's fun. One game. It's like a relationship. Like every to like the third frame I'm like alright you know it's like a. No it's fine

one game's fine. It's like a relationship like every like the first frame you're like this rules you know what I mean it's like the first year in a relationship then the second year you're like just throw it straight babe you know what I mean get it down the alley kick the leg then you hit the gutter and you're like

I fucking suck at this this isn't working out. Do you know what's crazy is I found out that, like, of all of the bowling that's ever been televised, there's only been 30 perfect games. What? Since, like, the 50s. I thought they got perfect games every time. There's only been 30 televised.

It seems like such a simple thing humans should be able to master. It never changes. There's no variables. It's the exact same thing every time. The fact that I can never bowl and every once in a while hit a strike is insane. So we're like closer to the pros in that sport than any other sport.

Like we're like not that far off. That's why they're not athletes. They're not, but some of them make a lot of money, I feel like. I think the top like five dudes are doing pretty well. I imagine that it does change because if you're somebody, like if you're not like I am, like the anxiety would put

a little moisture in the balls. Once you get closer to the perfect game, you know what I mean? You're starting to grease the pipe. But dude, every time... It's going to come out a little different. Every time I've gone bowling, there's been some like 300-pound construction worker, nope, putting no spin on the ball. Oh yeah. Just imagine.

Yeah. He's just like, this is for Thanksgiving, you fucking bitch. He can't concentrate on any other game. He's just constantly going like this. Like, holy shit.

Yeah. The sound of the crack. It's like crazy. And he's like 19 Miller lights deep. He can barely talk, but he stands up and suddenly is so poised. Hits that strike. They love that.

It's like somebody drives drunk. They know exactly what they're doing behind the wheels. He's like, yeah, the car. Oh, yeah. He's falling into a shed. Where was I? Carol, where the fuck were you, bitch? Is drunk driving huge in Philly?

Oh, yeah. It's huge in the Midwest. We if you were into it you have to you have to side swipe like four or five cars in center city to even get noticed really they're like that's just the price of doing business on a saturday night it's just they have so much more to do it's like new york i've seen in queens even before quarantine i see i've seen three cops in the last like two years. What? They don't come around here at all? Dudes below, they go down

this little strip here. They go 55 miles an hour to a red light. Yeah, yeah. Slam on the brakes. They don't give, no, there's no loss. I guess people are doing heroin on the C train. They don't need to be around here. The cops have a bigger fish to fry. That's true. They don't care. What, are they going to write a report? Drunk driving in Philly is actually kind of tough, too.

There's too many pedestrians. What do you mean? It's not the pedestrians. They do like a lot of like, if when you're in like the neighborhood-y kind of parts, they do like a lot

of tricky stuff where they'll be like, there'll be like a light, two stop signs, two lights, three stops, like, and you're just. Oh, you can't get

the pattern down. You can't get the rhythm, dude. You can't remember the little sequence. The amount of times I've been, someone's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

flying through a stop sign. And then you's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, and I'm just like flying through a stop sign. And then you're like, do you want to drive? Or just stopping at a green light. Yeah. In the country,

you got deer. Yeah. Oh, you got to avoid the deer. That's people, I hit a deer a couple of times. I hit one. Really? I hit one on a turnpike.

Did it die? I, this is a very bad story and I won't tell the truth. But I borrowed a car from my ex-girlfriend to go somewhere up the turnpike. And then I smoked a deer with her car, which was a pharmaceutical car, so it wasn't hers. Oh, fuck.

And then I was fucking pickled. How fast were you? Were you like on the highway? Oh, yeah. I was going 75. You decimated that deer. Well, I slammed on the brake uh he's dead yeah yeah yeah if he's not he's got a hell of a limp some guy picked him up and ate him absolutely some fucking drifters like thanksgiving came early let's go and then i had to lie and say i wasn't up to turnpike i hit i hit a deer

outside of philadelphia going up like fucking in the northeast which is dude tears don't go to northeast unless they're trying to buy deer drugs there's no deer where i said they were dude i'm always shocked at how many deer can survive in like a 50 by 50 foot patch of woods oh yeah and then they're surrounded by city and somehow they just got a little orgy going on in there. They just have eight generations of deer surviving in the middle of a gang war. It's crazy. It's like, what are they doing? They're hiding now because they did something wrong. Yeah.

There's bullets flying everywhere. They think it's hunting season all year. You see one deer in the middle. No, you're like, there's no woods. You're like, how? How'd you not turn around halfway before you got here? Now what are you going to do? I don't know.

You're going to get caught in like a pool and then you're going to jump over six fences. Yeah, they just keep jumping until they get out of whatever. Right, yeah, yeah, exactly. It's kind of their only dream. They're incredibly stupid. They're incredibly stupid animals. Agile.

Agile tastes good too. You're like, dear me. Being venison's good. Yeah, yeah, venison's fun. Like a venison steak? Yeah, jerky, jerky. Oh, okay, that doesn't count. What? It's all jerky tastes the same. Okay. Venison's fun. Like a venison steak? Yeah, jerky, jerky. Oh, okay. That doesn't count.

What? It's all jerky tastes the same. Okay, that's fair, actually. Because it's crushed with salt and seasoning. I love jerky. You never had a venison cut of beef? No. Is it venison steak?

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Is it tough as fuck? Yeah, it's pretty tough. It's a little tougher to get the hell out of it. I guess I've only had jerky. Now I'm realizing I've really never had it. Yeah.

Did you hunt? No, I never did that. No guess I've only had jerky. Now I'm realizing I've really never had it. Did you hunt? No, I never did that. No, I'm a huge pussy. I fired a gun like twice and that was good for me. People own guns in Philly? I mean like elite. You're not like going on the range though, are you? Yes.

Really? People are going to gun ranges? Oh, I thought it was just more gang based. No. Everyone owns guns. Really? Yes. Really? People are going to gun ranges? Oh, I thought it was just more gang-based. No. Everyone owns guns. Really? Is there hunting? Pencil talkie, dude.

That's why they call it. Oh, interesting. You go left 30 minutes, it's all... It gets red real quick. Oh, boy. Oh, I love that. Oh, boy. We're talking Confederate license plates,

pickup trucks, and everything's camo, including your fat wife. That's true. That's true. There's a thin membrane of, like, Amish. Yeah. Oh, Lancaster County or whatever. It kind of separates you from, like, the real heat.

They're like the buffer zone, but they're going to get killed in the Civil War. They're like, no, guys, don't. No, no. We're churning here. Come on. All right. These are the ads.

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When like Wi-Fi's down, they only know the secrets. Yeah. They know how to live. Not just farming. They have technology secrets. Yeah. They like have like secret Wi-Fi stashes and phones they've been saving. I bet they have bunkers.

They have survival bunkers and shit. Oh, for sure. And they know how to farm. They know how to build shit. Exactly. They're handy. Do they make their own toothpaste and stuff? I wonder if they do that.

I guess they used to just use charcoal for teeth. Maybe they still do that. Also, have you ever been like a downwind of an Amish dude? Are they stinking? I don't think they use any toothpaste. They don't have feminism or hygiene.

Like a prisoner hiding from the cops, I think they just smear themselves in cow shit. Let it cake on and wash it down with a hose. Maybe seals. They're happy though. They are happy. I bet they're so happy. The simple life, they must be happy.

I'm jealous of them. I hate you a little bit. When you're on Instagram simple life, they must be happy. I'm jealous of them. When you're on Instagram all day, they've never even had to do that. They've never gotten turned on by, oh, she's 17. Fuck. Yeah. Maybe that's just me.

I bet they do. It's just their sister. That shit only lasts for a few days, I imagine. just a simple life you know you ever go to a cat you go to the pocono's with your family like play checkers for the first night you're like yeah ah let's get up early and go fishing and then it's like a week it's fun for about a week yeah i do it once a year it's tired of everybody yeah yeah yeah i remember there was whatever that director is he made made that Grizzly Man documentary.

Oh, Werner Herzog. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I love Grizzly Man. It's so great. But he made a documentary called Happy People, which is just about like dudes in like Siberia. Oh, okay. And they like, they have no technology. They live off the land.

And he's like, look at this. Isn't this? And it's like, no, dude. Are they happy? It sucks. No, they have no teeth in their head. The guy's like having a battle with his dog over the bed.

It's like, dude, this existence. Shoot the dog. He can't. He needs the dog. Oh, no. Catch the birdsie. All you gotta do is send up a good-looking woman, I think. Because all the women look like men. Oh, yeah. Eskimo kind of shit.

You get beaten by the weather enough. They gotta fly in like prostitutes and stuff. Like those North Dakota oil towns that are like, they do, they had to fly in prostitutes and stuff. My uncle worked there. It was like all men. So they're like, we need to fuck something. Fly them in from Jersey or something.

Imagine the locals just beating off on the tarmac as the plane is coming in. Oh, we got a new crop. Puerto Rican, a plane of the plane is coming in. Oh, we got a new crop. Puerto Rican. A plane of Puerto Ricans coming in. Okay. It is funny. If you ever see like a hooker's date,

you ever see like a hooker's dates online? They like list their dates about what they're going to do. Wait, really? Like what they're going to be like we do with shows? Yes, yes. Like I'm going to be in Tucson. Yeah, yeah, they going to be like we do with shows? Yes, yes. Like, I want to be in Tucson on Fifth Avenue. Book me now. Yeah.

Really? Yes, yes. They can advertise that? Isn't that illegal? Yeah. I don't know. I guess they don't care. They go on the road?

They go on the road. I didn't know they were road hookers. Yeah, dude. They're just sluts on the road. I thought going on the road was like going next door. No, no. Going to a steakhouse, winking at someone. No, no.

Dude, they're flying around the country, dude. They got dates. They got dude. They got dates. Remember the hooker? They got dates. They got dates. Remember the hooker duo we saw on fucking Austin? Oh, my God. That was, I've never seen anything like that.

Hookers in Austin? Well, Tommy always says that he sees hookers everywhere. How do you know? I'm so naive, I would never know. I'm just like, that's a nice lady. Same. That's me. Dude, we sat down at noon for tacos in Austin

at like a bar near a mall. Yeah. And you knew it was a hooker? 100%. Really? It was crazy. Also, there was another one that came in later before this cowboy sat down next to us.

And as soon as he sat down, you saw her like, she looked him up and down to see what he was wearing, see how affluent he was see how what she can get out of him go into him immediately she did she wasted no time that they struck struck up a conversation which went on for about an hour every time you ordered something she'd be like i'll take one of those you know with like one of that kind of women that's just gonna put it on his tab his tab but she got like four tequila shots out of it and then i don't know what he said because i wasn't focused on that one. I was focused on another one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which was a wild combo. It was. Multiple prostitutes at noon. Yeah, at a taco place. But apparently, what the guy next to us said, the cowboy,

once the other one left, he was like, this is like, this is where all people go to shop on the weekend. It's like high-end shops. Oh, so there's guys with money going around. There's guys with money going, yeah.

So it wasn't just a taco place. That whole center was kind of wealthy. There's a lot of guys running errands for their wives. Right, right. They've probably gone for three hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You only got three hours, but she's got a place she can knock around, you know?

Gotta go to the Apple store, yeah, absolutely. And that's why they pick steakhouses, because they go at lunchtime and they get this rich guy from Wall Street. Where do they go to fuck? Oh, hotel. They got one right by there. Okay, they got a spot. It's Midtown. I've always wanted to hire a hooker.

Yeah. I've always been into it. I think it would be fun. You gotta check the road dates. I know. I might need to. I'm at the Chuckle Hut when she's at the time. Okay, that'll be great. You gotta check the road dates. I know. I might need to. I'm at the Truckle Hut when she's with us. Okay. That'll be great. You can feature for me, Lone. I hope Cinnamon's by Bananas next week. Exactly.

That's what's making me laugh because anytime you see him, it's like New York, LA, Vegas, and then it's like Fargo. Oh, they're doing Fargo. They are doing like Peoria. Spokane. You're like, what the hell's going on up there? The rates are lower, but the numbers are higher.

Do they get booked, do you think? Yeah. Are they like sending in their avails? I feel like I'd like to fuck seven men this weekend in Spokane. Yes. I want to see if they put the date up first to see what the response is, and then they get accommodations. Oh, and then maybe they cancel it if no one hits them up

or whatever. And they do all the same shit that, like, you know, comics do where it's like, it's almost sold out. Only a couple ticks left. Yeah, yeah. When you get there, there's like three dudes and one of the cooks in the background eating chicken nuggets.

She's like, I got all day for you. You can hear the silverware in the kitchen it's like ah fuck i sold out like didn't work or do they have like bad like are they like bad towns for hookers like people are like oh like what fargo they don't have no sense of humor there she's like oh in minneapolis they just hate head they just don't like oral in minneapolis yeah i see i see. Apparently, Raleigh's great. Really? Some of them struggle in D.C.

How many do you follow? I saw some people struggling to sell tickets in D.C. You're on the fucking... Dude, you're reading the hooker chat lines. You think they'd kill in D.C. with all the senators and congressmen. That's the city they go to. But I think that that's like... That's headliners, dude. That's hot. I just read. That's like big. You gotta be really on your dick. That's the city they go to. But I think that that's like, that's headliners, dude.

That's hot. I just read. That's like big, you got to be really on your dick. That's $3,000 a night type of movie. Also, I just read a- That's not, these girls are up and comers. I just read a story on this, that they're trying to crack down on the convention hookers. Like all the major political conventions.

Oh my God, I bet those are wild. That's like their big game. So like, you know, the heads of state will get the heads of state. Oh, my God. The king of Ghana is there or whatever. Like all the high-end hookers. Yeah. It's always funny when you're in kind of like a nice place.

Like we were outside of Chicago, and it was like, it was kind of like a nice suburb-y thing, but there was like a mall. It was like in one of those. It was like, and every hotel was like in one of those. It was like and every hotel was like you needed the key card to go up. That's like the number one sign

that you're in. That's when you know. I stayed at a hotel in Maine like a couple months ago and they made us like show our IDs to make sure we were 18 because they're like we have some sex trafficking going on here. In Maine? In Maine. In this like hotel in the suburb some sex trafficking going on here yeah like oh great in maine in this like hotel in the suburb of portland maine it was i was like oh there's a

kid getting fucked somewhere in this hotel right now so disgusting confession time confession time wish we had a buzzer for that dude it's also like that feels like such a coen brothers movie where there's just like it was so dark some like main person Brothers movie where there's just some main person just finding out there's a sex trafficking. Yeah, yeah. The guy behind the desk is like, the sheriff makes us do this. I don't want to.

I make a lot of money on the side from it, but I have to do it. It's so gross. Once I ordered a prostitute. You did? Yes. I love that. I said once in Philly years ago. It prostitute. You did. Yes. Oh, I love that. I said once. I love it. In Philly years ago.

It was probably like eight years ago. And it was that situation where she calls me from the lobby. She's like, you have to come get me. They won't let me upstairs. Yeah. So I was like, okay, what do you look like? Yeah. And she told me.

She's like limping. Where she was sitting. Well, I got off the hotel. Yeah. Or the elevator. Go right to the snacks. I saw her and I was like.ping. Where is she sitting? Well, I got off the hotel or the elevator. Go right to the snacks. No, and you exited the deal? Yeah, the fucking anxiety got to me and she wasn't worth it.

Yeah, dude. Yes. It wasn't like you get like a brochure with their face. You had no idea what she looked like. No, this is like 10 years. There was no, I guess there was no like online. Somebody told me like how to do it and I was like, risque, let's fucking call this. I guess there was no online. Somebody told me how to do it and I was like, we're gay. Let's fucking

call this. It was like Backpage or something. You had to call a number and then Hope. You didn't say, I want a white girl with tits or you didn't say anything? No, no. What they do is it's just tits. Not big or small, just tits.

It's their name and then in parentheses their age and size. It'll be like 42D, 30C, or whatever the fuck it is. Oh, wow. And then I'll give a little description, which is like one line. And at that moment, if you're ordering an ochre off of it, just words and fill it off, you're like... It's got to be like athletes lying about their size and height on a pamphlet.

It's like, you know, whatever she's saying, it's going to be just... It's like too lower. Yeah, of course. And it was way lower. I just hit close real quick and then didn't answer the phone. It's a picture of the hottest girl you've ever seen and it's like $75. And you're like, what a deal. And then her grandma shows up.

Yeah, exactly. That was me 30 years ago. Oh, that poor woman. She had to watch the elevator close. That's hilarious. No, she didn't see. It had like four or five. Oh, good.

But she told me where she was sitting, so I just did a little peeksy. Did she keep calling your room? Yes. Not the room. She didn't have my room number. She just said. Oh, God.

Just forever. I like the idea. You think you got away with it, and you're like, heads peeking. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. the idea of you thinking you got away with it and you're like, heads, people. Bye-bye. Then you dip back. She's like, Tony.

I'm like, bleh. She's like, I'll give you half off. I swear. I'll give you a deal. So you told her that your name was Tony. Tony, yeah. Did you use Tony? Real name.

It looked for a pat. Yeah. You didn't even change it much, Tony. Yeah, I should have said Tyrone. She would have never known. How much was it? Fuck. Do you ask what you're going to get before?

And are you like, I just want a blowjob. I want an hour or whatever. Yeah, you got to ask. Oh, wow. This is research for me. It was like 120. Okay. That doesn't seem terrible. 10 years ago, it's... is research for me. It was like 120. Okay. That doesn't seem terrible.

10 years ago, it's... Yeah, probably inflation. Thanks, Biden. Probably 250 now to get your dick sucked. Yeah. And I was a pro-comic, so that's like 10 grand. Might as well go to a convention. Yeah, exactly.

That's insane. That's a booster. You thinking about doing one? I would love to one day. I mean, my girlfriend might have other ideas, but yeah, I think she would let me. We support sex workers. Come on.

I'm supporting. I get a POC. I'm like a liberal guy. Of course. I'm a woke guy. Just fucking hookers everywhere. I'm helping the economy. Come on.

They don't have jobs. These women are struggling. Yeah, they're struggling. It's women's month right now. You know how hard it is to get booked in D.C.? Exactly. Sapphire's having a tough go. Let me go, babe.

Come on. Is your girlfriend black? She's half black. I can see that. Yeah, thank God. Always dudes that are like, you're the whitest looking man. I know.

It's such a fucking... Always find a black chick. Absolutely. I was raised in the whitest suburb in the world. And I'm like, I'm done with white women. Those couples always look like you're the tutor. Like you're tutoring her math or something. The professor.

Yeah, right, right. And I'm such a dweeb. How'd you guys meet? We met on Hinge in Chicago. Oh, wow. That's the good one. Wait, were you doing dates or did you live in Chicago for a while? I lived in Chicago before this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah. That's the good one. Wait, were you doing dates or did you live in Chicago for a while?

I lived in Chicago before this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah. We lived together. Yeah, no, I didn't just meet her on the weekend. That would be awesome. That would be amazing. I don't have that type of dick to make someone move from Chicago in two nights. They need to get to know me a little bit.

Sex isn't going to make her move across the country. That's absolutely not me. I'm well-read. I'm good with flowers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I yelp when I come. Yeah, you know, the usual, babe. How long have you been with her?

We, two, over two years now. Oh, nice. Over two years. Yeah, it's not bad. What does she do? She's a therapist, which rips. Yeah. That rules.

It's kind of nice. It's kind of nice. It's a terrible job. Everybody's talking shit on that, like being with a therapist. Really? Yeah. Why? Well, like it's like cliche or something or what?

I guess they're just insecure or like scared. I'd be worried they use the moves on me. Oh, the like psycho tricks. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the mental tricks. Don't talk to me like that. Absolutely. A.K.A.

I'd be worried they'd make me better. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to be the same guy or shit. God forbid I mature in this relationship god forbid i grow as a man well just gonna try to change me yeah no i don't i mean she might be maybe i'm so deep i don't even know she might be tricking me every day yeah that's true how's the job it's it's just the shit they have to hear and then they just like someone be like my grandpa raped me in a barn okay and then they have to go out into their day it's insane how they have to hear and then they just like someone be like my grandpa raped me in a barn okay and then they have to go out into their day it's insane how they have to compartmentalize what

they hear all day yeah like she hears just the most heinous shit that happens i mean she tells me all of it against hipaa violations but it's great does she try to schedule it so it's like the heavy hitters in a row uh Oh, no, unfortunately, no. You can't choose. It's a lot of, like, kids and, like, terrible shit happened to them. It's brutal. It's not really funny at all. It's just, like, and she's, one thing she's noticed is the worst shit happens in rural America. Yeah.

Like, the craziest shit's always, like, in a farm where there's no cops nearby. Like, the dad just fucking did whatever he wanted to the kids. The easier it is to dig a hole in an area. You got the pigs to eat the body. It's perfect. It's perfect for serial killers. I'm always like, how do you get caught

living in those areas killing somebody? They don't. That's what it is. I was like, crime rates are low. It's like, yeah. No one's catching catching you there's one cop and he's your friend exactly yeah my mother's uh used to be an oncology nurse and she would just come home so me and my brothers and my dad would just be sitting around trying to eat fucking rigatonis for the seventh night in a row in our miserable existence. She'd be like, you know, a six-year-old died today.

And I'm like, Jesus, mom. You'd be like, I wish I was dead. I wish it was me. Can I sign up? Yeah. He doesn't have to eat rigatoni anymore. Does she share with you all these dark... Some of them, yeah.

She has to, right? To get it off her chest? Yeah, there's all... It's so many husbands just cheating on their wives habitually. It's kind of like, okay, everyone's cheating, okay. Yeah, yeah. Is she like the soprano? Does she have like therapists as well for her?

She does have a therapist as well, too. Yeah, she doesn't tell me about that. That's more lock and key. Yeah. They all have to have a therapist. You have to. There's no way to do the job without. Right.

They do therapy about doing therapy. Yeah, exactly. It's like, exactly. But they also probably have personal in between that going like, I got to talk to you about this one. I think it's a mix. Right. She's probably got to talk about like her boyfriend who's not getting enough feature

work and not paying enough of the rent anymore. Tucson didn't really pay him much this weekend. And he's like, well, you did get dicked down in Chicago. Yeah. I remember that time. You made this decision. Remember when I went down on you last year?

Come on, don't you recall? You got to come home, come home from work and she's like, hey, you just don't seem like you're not having fun. You're not being funny.

It's like, I'm funny all day. You think I want to come home? You can do riffs. Come on. I want to be serious. You can do riffs. Come on. I want to be serious. Put on a drama. I don't ask you to tell me child rape stories

when you get home. Turn off Nathan for you. Let's get serious. Come on. She actually loves comedy, which is great. You got to have someone like that. Yeah, that is nice. She's got a great sense of humor.

Thank God. I did fill out a therapy questionnaire. Oh, you've never done therapy? I did it did it i did it i bounced around a little bit and then it's tough to find the right person i had the same problem yeah yeah there was just like sometimes you're you have stuff but you're not in the mood in that hour to like right right you know you're like having a good day and then you got to go, I don't want to talk about my dad today at 3 p.m. I just watched, like, The Simpsons. I don't need to do that. Yeah, and then it becomes difficult to access the feelings,

and then you're just manufacturing bullshit. Oh, yeah, because you have to fill the hour. It's like when you're on stage, you're like, I don't want to do my jokes. Let's just do crowd work or whatever. You're a goldmine for a therapist. If any therapist heard the first line, you said like,

but you're not in the mood to talk about it. Oh, they would be like, why, why, why? I think we should do three times a week. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to pay for my kid to go to Harvard right here. Dude, I also just can't answer a question like cleanly. Oh.

Like even when I was feeling like go around it, you just, it's not even intentional. Like even today I was filling out the questionnaire and it was like, uh, have you thought about killing yourself like in the past day, week, year? Yes, I just, well, no, no. I was like, I was sitting there just like, what do you mean thought of it? Like what is killing? It crossed my mind really yeah yeah did i make a plan i mean i wouldn't i didn't get that invested you're like calling the hotline like

i'm filling out the questionnaire right now a few uh questions of my own actually if i could hit you back dude there should be a questionnaire for suicide that would be sick but it's just like because by the time they got to like question 10 like like I'm good, you know? Yeah, I'm actually going to kill myself. I hate questionnaires. That was what it was. Yeah. Well, then it feels cheap to be like, yeah, I thought about it.

I mean, I thought about it. Right. But I think about a lot of things. I've thought about genocide against the communities nearby. Yeah. And then you, I don't want to seem like, you know,

like I clicked the wrong, it's like, yeah, I thought about it today, but it wasn't like, it was in the shower. I couldn't look at my phone. You know what I mean? But I'm not gonna, you know. I'm not gonna do it, I'm thinking. I thought about joining the Russian military.

I'm not going to. I just thought about what that would be like. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, exactly. I remember my brother saying, asking me that question when I was in like sixth grade. He's like, you never thought about killing yourself would be like. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, exactly. I remember my brother saying, asking me that question when I was in like sixth grade. He's like, you never thought about killing yourself? In sixth grade? And I was like, I don't even,

I mean, my biggest thought is like Hawaiian Puncher, Arntel. Do kids kill themselves like that young? And be like, oh, they took my Pokemon card or what? What would you do even? I feel like the smartest kids are the most demented. They're the darkest. Right, right.

If you're brilliant at a very young age. Then you don't get along with your friends. You're like, why are we talking about a Fibonacci sequence? I don't want to play 10. You want your kid to be right in the middle. You know what I mean? You don't want him eating wood in a shed next to the high school.

You want him right in the middle. You don't want number one, two, three because then they get real smart and they try and do weird shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to like delicately stack the bricks. Yeah, yeah. The foundation. Kind of athletic, but not like the quarterback.

You want like a backup tight end kid or something like that. Cross country like I did. A little athletic, not really. Did you do cross country? Come on. Really? Oh, cross country is the best.

That is so nuts. I love track and cross country. It's a wild, it is like a religion thing. It's very culty. Really? Oh, wow. We were literally just talking about the two craziest sports are track and cross country. It's very culty. Yeah.

Cause you're on your own. It's not a sport really. It's not team based really at all. You're running from like the world's end. Yeah, exactly. You're just running. And you're not going to achieve anything.

You just run. The coaches, just like the practices run seven miles. That's the practice. There's no training there. I mean, we do drill sometimes, but not really.

You just, you slap a number on some milky skinny tall kid. Oh, the skinny. I was one of them. Zero muscle, and they run for fucking 13 miles. They called me chemo kid. I was so skinny. That's what I was called. I was so pale.

Cross country. It's disgusting. It's for survivalists and serial killers. Yeah, I shit my pants during a race once. Did you? Yeah, yeah. And you kept going? You just keep going.

Everyone did it once. That's a real thing? Everyone had a little. It wasn't during a race once. Did you? Yeah, yeah. And you kept going? You just keep going. What? Everyone did it once. That's a real thing? Everyone had a little, and it wasn't like a full shit. It was just a few little peas falling out, but you know, absolutely, yeah. Oh, it's not water?

Just keep going. Like full, like pellets? No, it was like, yeah, you know, like when a little pea, like the size of a pea, the vegetable comes out, you know, like a little, a little cluster bomb of shit comes out.

I don't shit in those plants. You ever have that? You never have just a little like shart, a little shart? Yeah, but it's never solid. No, no, not solid. Yeah, no, not solid. No, it's diarrhea.

Oh, it's diarrhea. Absolutely. I thought you were dropping bunnies. I was trying to put a volume. It was a bad way to describe it. Yeah, you got to say it. What? Oh, Diffin' Dots.

That's better. That's much better. Yeah, exactly. You're just running with a little poop in your pants. That's what it makes you run a little faster. Absolutely. Do you have like, are you extremely nervous that anyone's going to notice?

Or do you always wear black? Well, you wear like those tight swimsuit pants. So you have like the lining. Oh, the sphinx locks it in. Yeah, the shit's just hanging in there. It only happened once to me, but every kid had it happen once for sure. It's a badge of honor for you.

It's a badge of honor. Like, oh, you were running so hard you didn't even, you lost control of your rectum. Oh, shit. She's underwear. Get on it. A little butt pouch. They should sponsor cross-country teams. Just a mini toilet in the underwear.

A mini toilet. You need better boxers, you virgin bitch. We were all such losers. That was the sport for losers. They were like theater kids that wanted to be sports. Yeah, we couldn't do any of the other sports. So we're like, well, we can put our foot in front of the other. That's all we can do.

We weren't good at it. It also always just felt like a David Blaine level physical challenge. It's all mental. The coach would just give us like these speeches about you've got to don't think about the pain yeah don't think about the pain just think about the happiest moment in your life and keep running or something like that i get i would get stuck up with like am i speeding up or am i slowing down am i on pace oh yeah i had no idea i mean i wasn't good So I'm not the guy to go to for this.

But I just did it because I needed something to do. Yeah. It was fun. Did you do all four years? Oh, three. Four years. Yeah, four years. Yeah, track three years.

You must still have that mechanism to like, are you active? I run. Yeah, I love running. I think running's great. I think it's like a great way to, it's just like meditating. What's your running schedule? I haven't, I haven't,'t. Running in New York is hard. I haven't run probably in like four or five months.

You have to go to a big, I don't live by a big park. You just always are stopping at stoplights. You're not a treadmill guy. I think that's kind of gay. I think treadmills aren't for pussies. I'll say that. I think that's fucked up. You're not going anywhere?

It's lame. Anyone can do that. I hate that. The worst is when you're running in the city and lame anyone can do that i know but the worst is when you're running in the city and you get like a big gulp of just fumes oh yeah yeah i mean even like cigarette smoke oh or you just step in dog poop all the time no one picks up i didn't run until quarantine then i got like winter gear oh you're into it now you're a runner now it's fun post quarantine i run like two miles three three miles a day. Every day.

Shit, that's good. If I take a day off, it'll be like one mile. It's such a good feeling. You feel like a baby when you're done. Yeah, not your hangover right off. Exactly. It's crazy. You can keep drinking if you run.

That's it. What are we doing here? I'm never going to quit because of the exercise. But I did take, today's my third day off of not drinking. And I feel like Amish. I feel like I could build a fucking farm. You feel like so zen and pure. And I ran a 5K and like, with

zero problems. What happened three days ago? What did you do that prompted? I just needed a break. Yeah, yeah, you got it. I gotta start taking, I have to take weekly breaks at this point. Oh, yeah, that's good. Yeah. My girl talked me into like, she's a why don't you just my trainer did the same thing because i was like drinking every night yeah and then i would

like moderate how much i was drinking and if i didn't drink six to eight drinks and i only had like two to three i'm like that's a night off dude and then i that was like yo and then the trainer brought in science and told you that's not the case once he came close with me works. Once he came close with me, he's got a couple other comics and he doesn't push them. He doesn't push on their personal stuff. He doesn't push on their physical nightly activities and stuff. Him and I are friends to this point.

He's like, yo. He's worried about you. He's like, stop doing that shit. I can do it. He's like, well then do it. So I did it. Now it's like, I'm going to do it weekly. It's insane how bad drinking is for's the move now it's like i i'm gonna do it weekly it's insane how bad drinking is for us yeah and how it's my favorite thing in the world i'm not stopping i was thinking about that earlier like when i was like 16 or 17 my first beer i was like this is the most disgusting thing ever and now it's ruining my life i love it so much i can't

stop drinking yeah and it is crazy because I also have taken the past couple days off and I'm getting the rush of like, like last night was crazy for me. That you didn't drink? I was like so emotional, which it feels good because it's like, I'm like, what are these things that are happening to my brain? Dude, I was so emotional that I could feel the veins like on the outside of my head like full of blood. It was like, it was crazy. These veins are like, we haven of my head like full of blood it was like it was crazy these

veins are like we haven't worked in like a decade he's been so drunk to say he's on the kill zone and i still i went to the bar and i drank three non-alcoholic beers oh yeah i did that yesterday dude and it like it helped do they taste like beer? I've never had one. Nah, 80%. They're close. There's one that's an IPA that's the closest. They do IPAs too. Oh, wow. They have an NA IPA.

Damn. Yeah, it's very close. The light blue can, I forget the name of the brand. Okay, interesting. But it's decent enough that if you want, like I'm obviously friends, I'm friends with my bartenders, like close now. Nothing wrong with that.

Nothing wrong with that. That's how many hours I put in. Like I want to go see him, but if I don't want to drink, I'll just have a non-alcoholic. Okay, okay. That might be good. I need to do that. I can't.

Or if you shuffle them in between. Oh, you have a beer, then a non-alcoholic, and then no one knows that you're like being a pussy sober. Oh, I don't care. I don't care what anybody thinks. Yeah, oh, I feel like I always, I'm so given to peer pressure. If someone called me a pussy, I would cut off my sober days and I'd be like, it's going on right now tonight.

I'll grab a bottle of whiskey, you grab a bottle, and I'm going to make you throw up. Oh, see, I love that. I'll double down. I'll ruin my next day. I don't care. I've been doing it for five years. The real move, if you can pull it off,

is like you have like three or four beers, and then you go straight non-alcoholics for the rest of the time. Once you get a good buzz going. Yeah, because then you don't need to get drunker. You're having fun. You don't notice the taste difference less, and you have a beer in your hand. That's genius. The one time I did it really the right way was actually at Comedy on State.

Oh, in Madison? Yeah, yeah. Because it's tough not to get hammered there because they're pouring them. And you go up to the green room afterwards and there's pool and there's all this shit. Oh, and they want to stay up until 5 a.m. Yes. And they brought up a case of non-alcoholic Lagunitas. Oh, wow.

And I forgot. You didn't even notice? I was just slamming them, dude. Like, why am I not getting drunk? And I woke up the next morning and I was like, man, I feel great. I had like 17 beers. You were just housing non-alcoholic beers?

Yeah, yeah. I'm the greatest drinker to ever live. It's that Philly blood, man. I just don't know what it is. It is true, though. It's like Molly or Ecstasy. Once you hit a certain level, especially with beer, with liquor you can get more and more fucked up.

With beer for me... Beer, the volume just keeps you from getting drunk. Yeah, and the higher it kind of peaks off a little bit unless you're trying to get totally blacked out drinking at a speed that's ridiculous. You just dip into sleep. Yeah, that's true. I like this. It's a good move, but you kind of need a handler to pull it off.

You know what I mean? To remind you when to stop drinking the alcohol. Yeah, like the staff. Just punching you. If you order an alcohol, he just knocks it out of your hand and it crashes to the ground. I told the staff about my plan. Oh, you did? Yes, and they were like, we got you.

Damn, the comedy on stage did that for you? Yeah, so they helped in the trick. Oh, nice. It was amazing. That's beautiful. And you also can't go out to say hi to anyone, though. Remember how many shots we had in Raleigh with just fucking fans? Oh, my God.

Oh, you can't say no to that shit either, because then I'm like, oh, they'll unfollow me tomorrow. If I don't take every shot, they're like, this fucking bitch. Yeah, yeah. No, I met him. He sucks. Yeah, he wouldn't even fucking get blacked out on a Tuesday. What a bitch.

He had another show later, I guess. What the hell? People are, oh, God. I cannot turn that down. No, no, you can't. I mean, I'm going to moderately drink. I think I'm just going to. On the road, it's so difficult because going alone to a hotel at night sober is a brutal experience.

Well, if you know you're going to drink Thursday through Saturday, then just try not to drink, you know, Sunday through Wednesday. Sure. But you always blow your load on Thursday. Every time I go to a club, I'm like, let's take it easy on Thursday. In Madison, every time I black out, there's every single time. And I black out after five drinks. It's embarrassing.

Yeah. I think on some level, I do too. But there's like, there's all that Thursday show. Everything ends at 9.30. It ends early and it's like a great show. Oh, I got on some level I do too. But there's like, there's all that Thursday show. Everything ends at 9.30. It ends early and it's like a great show. Oh, I got the whole night? Yeah, we got till 2 a.m.

Plus you're fucking elevated. Yeah. Your energy's out there. You're in a new place. Oh, God. Because after comedy, you go off stage, the adrenaline, you want to keep it going. That's the terrible thing of doing comedy.

It's like why we ruin our lives we're chasing that adrenaline until three in the morning every night it could be worse we could be bartenders getting out of work at like 5 a.m.

or we could be selling insurance that would be worse we could thank God thank God damn I'd be I'd be a rough bartender dude those guys do shots

with everyone that checks out yeah oh yeah I'd be hitting the horn behind there telling people to fuck off yeah I would not yeah. I'd be hitting the horn behind there telling people to fuck off. How they keep up with it.

Yeah. I would not be nice. I'd be a good bar manager, though. Really? You think you could tell them you'd be able to crack skulls? I'd sit at the end. Yeah, I'd be fucking...

You'd just wait until a fight started. You'd be like waiting to fucking kick that guy's ass. Not my bar, pal. Not my bar. Not my bar. That'd be that dude. You were born to say that.

Not my bar. Not today, pal. You're going to say that. Not my bar. Not today, pal. You're going to wrap it up. Your girl can stay. Then I knock him out. Dude, how many shots do you think you'd give away managing a bar? Oh. How quickly do you think the owner would be on the phone?

You need a handler to make sure you don't give away too many shots. If I own the bar, I need a handler. I think they do. I think what Colin does... You need like a token system where you like... Well, they do. Most of those places... They do token systems?

No, the VFWs do. Really? But most places have like a set volume of liquor per day. They just go, here's two bottles. Give this away. Opening to close. That makes sense because they know it's going to happen. They might as well budget for it.

And they only do it to, like, regulars. If you come in here, they've never seen you before, you get one fucking, you know, margarita. They're not going to give you a free shot with your sign. It's for the Vietnam vets, really. If you sacrifice an arm, you get a free shot of game. You get as much alcohol as you want. That's what our government has decided.

One of your ears are gone. Yeah, you don't get health insurance, but we'll drink you under the table. A little whiskey for my man with one ear. We'll quiet the demons. No, I told this before, I think early on, but like I belong to the Polish American Club in Clifton and they had this wooden chip process

where all the local drunks would have chips and they would they would just send a chip to another person but oh yeah like get tommy a chip on me and he would be like this one's on donnie and i'd be like yeah thanks don he'd be like to you and your family happy holidays but there'd be no money exchanged well that's kind of awesome it's like a self-contained currency that's awesome it's like it's like giving self-contained currency. That's awesome. It's like giving a chair to somebody and feeling good about yourself. Right. They don't give to charity.

They get each other drunk at a bar. That's great. I think it's technically a workaround for like an alcohol license. Oh, really? Because you're not buying alcohol with money. Oh, so it's all like under the table. And then you get a token. Because then you don't have to

get a liquor license and all that. Oh, interesting. I got fucked by an arcade in Raleigh. What do you mean? The tokens were worthless. Tommy and I got absolutely shit-faced in Raleigh. I left the bar we were at with

one of my buddies and went into this arcade and bought like $50 worth of tokens. Oh no. What's your game? What are you playing? I think we're playing Mario Kart or something. Oh, you're playing Mario Kart? This dude's getting drunk and his friends leave.

I can't drunk drive. Dude, I was drunk driving off of Rainbow Road. That's fun. I can't was drunk driving off of Rainbow Road. That's fun. That's fun. I can't sober drive and stay on Rainbow Road. Did you spend $50 at an arcade? Dude, I woke up the next morning.

Literally, my bed was covered in chocolate. That wasn't chocolate, buddy. That's what I thought. I was like, oh, no, I shit myself. Did you smell it? Yeah, and I found like, I had bought like an ice cream Snickers and ice cream Reese's. I had bought like an ice cream Snickers and ice cream Reese's.

Like I had bought like all these ice cream candies. With, at the arcade? No, no. It was like when I got back to the hotel I just, I just marked it. You sure you didn't take a kid home from the arcade? Yeah. There's a kid at every ice cream bar. Holy shit, I broke a meal. It's their tokens. He's like, when are we going back?

Chris just puts one of those token belts on and pretends he works there. He's like, when are we going back? Chris just puts one of those token belts on and pretends he works there. You like thought you bought cocaine, but it's like, no, I went to the arcade. You spent $50 at the arcade. It was the most humiliating. Because that's the other thing. I rolled over from my shit-covered blanket and just saw

a mountain of tokens. There was tokens all over the bedroom. You didn't spend them? You didn't like try to get get a plush doll or whatever? No, I just converted money into trash. I hope you left those as a tip for the maid. The maid's like, what is this new American money? These are from Guatemala, where I'm from.

Oh, interesting. She could take one of her seven kids to the arcade for a week. Sorry, that's very racist. Why? She doesn't have to have seven children. She could take one of her seven kids to the arcade for a week. Sorry, that's very racist. Why? She doesn't have to have seven children. She could have four. She could have four. There's white people who have seven kids, too.

They do. Jews. Well, Jews aren't white. Jews and trailer park people, absolutely, yeah. They are, but they're not white. Come on. Can we edit that? No, don't.

Don't. Please don't. Yeah please don't yeah it stays the hostages love to pump them seven kids how many do you have siblings i have one one sister older younger younger like a year and a half yeah doing comedy as well no god no are there sibling i mean there are some siblings there's a couple doing comedy but yeah no that'd be no she's like the obviously the favorite child yeah, no, that'd be terrible. No, she's like obviously the favorite child. Yeah, yeah.

She has like a degree. She has like a real job. Good, you need that. You need that. You need that. You can't. My parents are like, okay, one out of two ain't bad. We did our best.

You must not have been trying when we fucked that night. Dating a comic is hell, I imagine. Dating a comic? Yeah. Dating a comic would be bad. Oh, I thought you were talking about me dating my sister. No. That's better.

I don't want to date my sister if she was a comic. That would be terrible. I'd fuck my brother before I dated a comic. Being a comic and dating is bad enough. I can't imagine the other way around. Dating? Oh, yeah. Oh, God.

My poor girlfriend. Yeah. She just is being, oh, you're in Peoria this weekend? Yeah. Oh, cool. You just blacked out on the phone. She's like, I work tomorrow. Yeah. You told me to call you last time.

I had a great riff about cumming in this guy's asshole. It was so funny. Every fight is just like, my job is to be a drunk idiot. I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I need to get drunk with this manager tonight. Anyway, call me back when you get this, honey.

It's just a voicemail at three in the morning from Rob. I'm hanging out with the guy who books the loony bin in Wichita, okay? I had to do his coke. It was part of my career, okay? That's how it works. How many dates I've been promised from doing drugs with a fucking manager.

Oh my God, you're up till 3 a.m. You're great, man. I've been telling you about this for fucking years, man. Just call me tomorrow. We'll get to town set it up. You know Lauren? You know Lauren? She does her thing. You know Lauren? Send a tape. Send a tape. Never. Never. I respect it. Can't wait to tell everyone what a nice guy

this guy is. He's a great hang. He's a great hang. Fat married dude with a stripper next to him. Doing key bumps. I'm glad that's kind of going away, though. Yeah. That, like, scummy comedy booker is kind of dying out.

A little bit. A little bit. They're taking a new form, I feel like. They're taking a new, yeah, okay. I could see that. Yeah, they're a new, it's more like a bro booker now. Yeah. It's more like, it's like MMA shit.

It's MMA guys. There's a couple in New york i'd like to strike in the fucking oh for sure for sure that's for the patreon yeah you know i can't even say it on there no no absolutely i'll say it all fair but there's a did you have any there was a guy in milwaukee he doesn't do it so i can say he used to put a gun on the table when he paid you at the comedy cafe that is so gay and he had had this mask. The Comedy Cafe. The Comedy Cafe. It's like, yeah, it's not even like a heart. Yeah, and he had a massive goiter on his neck.

It was like that big. He's like this like Vegas-like guy. Was he pulling his mouth down a little bit? No, his mouth looked perfectly fine. Just a softball-sized goiter on his neck. Like a tumor? Yeah, I think it had to have been a tumor, yeah. Get it out of there.

But he like talks so cool. I was like, you have a goiter. You can't talk to me like that tumor. Get it out of there. But he talks so cool. You have a goiter. You can't talk to me like that. You can't insult my hair when you have a tumor on your neck. You got to have a Bart Simpson-esque dresser or closet full of nothing but turtlenecks. He didn't try to hide it at all. I don't care where you live and how hot it is. You better have a fucking turtleneck on.

I agree. You cover that shit up. Have mesh underneath. Design an old turtleneck to cover your neck. Just mesh like dice clay in the 80s, dude. Let me see them nippies get a little air underneath there, but cover your goiter. Dude, all those turtlenecks are going to look like the little milk thing on a diner.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one spout. I feel like it leaked, too. I'm sure it leakeder. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one spout. I feel like it leaked too. I'm sure it leaked. Oh, God. I feel like it did. I think they do. Or is it fleshy? I should have asked to touch it. I should have asked to touch it.

That's probably why the gun was there. If you asked me to touch it. Everyone asked me to touch it, so I had to buy the gun. Also, what a fucking dork putting a gun on the table. Oh, it's so lame. Dude, you book comics. For my $200

feature pay, you think I'm going to rob you? Rob you of your checkbook that bounces half the time? You're in your cross-country outfit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pooping my pants right now. Pay me quick. Just going into a no-name fucking gas station

and some hillbilly has like three guns on him with a t-shirt that has a message about take it and die. Shut the fuck up, dork. No one wants to rob your dilapidated trailer.

Nobody wants anything from me. You need guns least of anyone in the world. All you think I want to do is take off those guns and take a fucking shower. You pig. Yeah.

You disgusting hairy pig. I have to do is take off those guns and take a fucking shower. You pig. Yeah. You disgusting, hairy pig. I have to piss. You think, you think every, on that tirade. Yeah, you think those guys go home and they're like,

man, no one came at me today. The gun guy, I didn't get to fucking shoot anyone. They want you, they want you to step in. They want,

they're loaded. They're like, self-defense. Stand back. Trayvon martin law i'm good yeah exactly they're ready to gun down someone is so that that starts right outside of philly the gun nut uh yeah i mean there's a bunch of them i feel like in philly yeah like i feel like south philly is probably isn't that where like the cop area yeah there's north north philly's rough too right philly's got yeah i mean i don't know i like i grew up so naive in the suburb where there's no such thing as crime so i'm always like i can't i didn't no one owned a gun no one needed to but if they owned a gun they had like a whole separate room oh yeah yeah yeah maybe like it was

my grandpa's hunting rifle from the Civil War, or something like that. It's never, no one was a gun nut really that I knew. I never shot guns until like, I don't know, recently. I feel like I've got friends that have gotten into just that. It's kind of fun. It is fun. I skeet shot a couple times when I was a kid. It was kind of fun. It feels good because it's like, I'm not

bad at it. We should be practicing right now. I mean, the war is coming. We should all, the fact that we're all not in militia practice once a week is retarded. We should be practicing right now. I mean, the war is coming. We should all... The fact that we're all not in militia practice once a week is retarded. We are so stupid. Yeah, it does feel like you should at least know about them. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we should all have one.

But then it also feels like, well, it feels like, I don't know, I don't want to waste... It's a lot of money, and also I get sad. That's why I don't buy one. That's literally why. It's like, I know I have a bad set one night and like Chris Rock is in the back and I see him not laughing at a joke. I'm like, okay, I'm done.

I'm going to kill myself with a Beretta. Thanks for the Christmas gift, honey. That should be on the therapist questionnaire. Yeah, do you own a gun? Yeah, exactly. Is it loaded right now? How often do you think about killing yourself? I don't own a gun.

I don't own a gun. Yeah, yeah, okay. He's not going to do it then. I intentionally don't own a gun. I don't own a gun. Yeah, yeah, okay. He's not going to do it then. I intentionally don't own a gun. Do you own a car to fill up the garage with gas? No, no. I would, yeah, I would. How would you do it? I feel like the car is the way to go. Carbon monoxide.

Did you? What did you guys decide? I went with a wingsuit. What's a wing? Oh, like falling? Yeah, I'd spend all my savings on a helicopter ride to the top of like the Alps. Oh, okay. Swiss Alps. Beautiful.

Okay, I like that. Yeah, and that way it's fun as fuck on the way down and you got time to think. You get time to think and you might go into someone's house or something, a little chalet.

Or before the thing, you just clip it off so no one sees it so you don't, you know, now you have no choice. Yeah, you got no helmet. Yeah. No you don't, you know, now you have no choice. Yeah, you go no helmet. Yeah.

No helmet. Dude, you're going a hundred miles an hour. That'd be insane if you wore a helmet on your suicide. Dude, the helmet's going to stop the death. People might be concerned about not going fast enough. I want to have a good casket, open casket funeral. Yeah. Oh, no.

Then they'd be on there. Like, this guy's not, you don't have a helmet on. Dude, I was watching, did you ever see Midnight Mass? No. Netflix show. It was like a horror show. I heard it's good. It's not bad, but now I'm going to kind of spoiler alert.

I'm not a horror guy. I won't watch it. I won't be into it. But what happens is this priest basically befriends a demon while he's visiting Israel. Okay. They're all demons. Yeah, I know. I knew I was setting you up for that.

What, Hasidic Orthodox? Reformed? Which one? No, we love Jews, dude. Yeah, we do, of course. No, but he brings this demon back, and it gives the whole island, they live on an island,

it gives the whole island everlasting life, but they all turn into demons that need to drink other people's blood. Oh, God. And there's this one fucking bitch who's like a religious maniac who's like turned and it's at this point... My mom's in

the show? She didn't tell me about her credit. And so they can only come out at night. They can't. The sun makes them explode. Okay. And you can kill them and they'll just come back to life five minutes later. If the sun will eliminate them permanently, but if you like shoot them in kill them and they'll just come back to life five minutes later like if the sun will eliminate them permanently but if you like shoot them in the head they'll

just come back five minutes later uh-huh and uh the vampires yeah kind of yeah and it i they missed a gold not that i wanted this i like before i paused the show they missed the golden opportunity the writers of the show yes the golden opportunity. Night mass. Because what I wanted, because they were like building up to this woman getting her comeuppance and then she just exploded in the sun, which pissed me off. It's like, what you need to do

is tie this woman up, keep her in a basement during the day. This is hot. Bring her out every night and hang her from a tree and just let her die over and over and over again all night by hanging.

Take her down before the sun comes up. Don't let her actually die. Put her in the basement. Oh my God. Take her back out when the sun comes down and just keep killing her. It's like you've got everlasting death. Do it.

That's what I wanted for her. I wanted it to fade out. I love that your brain came up with that. We all have a little serial killer. We all have a little. We've all thought about, how would I torture my victim? How would I do it?

What's that Tom Cruise movie where he dies over and over until he gets it right? Live, Die, Repeat. Oh, no, no. The Anomaly Report. Dude, dynamite movie. Such a good movie.

I was like, don't put this on I don't want to watch it and it's so really early Tom Cruise no probably five years ago yeah

really live die repeat never heard of it I feel like it came out in like 2015 it kind of like I think it bombed I think something happened

was that when he wasn't cool yeah it's probably Scientology he was on some rant some tirade I think there was also beat the fuck out of some crossing card and they were like don some rant some tirade I think there was also beat the fuck out of some crossing card

they were like don't get this movie on I think there was also a thing where it was called like die another day it was like oh and the same as the James Bond movie

now there was a thing where right when it was about to come out I think a bunch of people got shot up at that Batman movie oh no and they had this

whole marketing campaign about dying over and over and over again and I think that imagine being the guy who came up with that marketing campaign you're like couldn't he have waited couldn't he have shot up that fucking theater next week come on

I have to stake my life on this god damn it I don't know if I'm going to get slammed for saying that was a good movie but I stick by it I think it was objectively. I love that movie. Tom Cruise rocks. Dude, I want to hate on him. I love that old, he's like one of the last old celebrities

who we don't need to know, or at least for a long time, we didn't know his opinions on anything. They're just like in movies. They don't tweet. They're not talking all the time. Dude, we just said this. They're just like actors. That's all I want.

I don't need to know what their favorite music are. I just want them to act. Yeah. No, don't tell me your opinions ever. Even if you're a musician, like fucking, like I'm tired of seeing The Rock, tired of seeing fucking J-Lo. I'm tired of seeing, like stay in the fucking shadows

if you're a legend. Yeah, just make your art come out every three years and then go back. Yeah. Prince, you knew nothing about Prince. Nothing. Kendrick Lamar. Kendrick Lamar. He makes the classic album. Yeah, come out for the Grammys here and there. They're Prince, you knew nothing about Prince. Nothing. Kendrick Lamar. Kendrick Lamar.

He makes the classic album. Yeah, come out for the Grammys here and there. Yeah. They're just, it's overexposed. Everyone's overexposed. Overexposed. It's just, it's just terrible. You kind of got to give him credit because he did make the adjustment.

He like started telling people what he was thinking. And then he's like, this isn't going so well. He's like, I'm going to reel it in, reel it in. I think antidepressants are fake. Bye-bye. Okay. He read the comments and tightened up. He's like, okay, box office revenues are plummeting.

Okay, okay. Keep the Lord Zinu talk private. All right, boys. Should we go to the page? Jump over the page. Jump over.