Stuff Island - Stuff Island #73 - death cab cutie w/ Andy Fiori

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

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my doctor's greek yeah yeah i've already finally got the greek doctor you wanted yeah dude you got no idea he's fucking hot too and he's like tall dark yeah he's he walked in i was like whoo you don't want a hot doctor but when it's a male it's easier you know? Are the Greeks known for being good doctors? Better? Better doctors? In here, the guy was probably like a plumber somewhere,

and they were just like, you know. Greeks want to go to Greeks, so he probably just threw scrubs on and was like, ow, I'll take a look at it. He probably doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, but he did know how to handle me. He knew how to handle my energy. Well, sure. He knew how to talk to you. Yeah, yeah.

Smooth charm. Yeah, because I was having this gall talk to you. Yeah, yeah. Smooth charm. Yeah, because I was having this like gallbladder issue. I didn't know it was a gallbladder issue, so I was worried of my liver from boozing. Yeah.

And he's like, you got a Mediterranean diet? And I was like, yeah. Just trying to be cool? Yeah, I was like, I'm fucking nice. What does that even mean?

No, of course. I eat fish on a plastic fucking table. Chicken fingers and french fries, is that Mediterranean? Yeah, by a fucking open lake. No, it's like high meats, high fats. I had like three skirt states that week. Yeah.

And so I told him that. He's like, yeah, it's just an inflammation. I kept asking questions about like onset cirrhosis. Like maybe it's stage one. He's like, listen, it's just an inflammation. I kept asking questions about like onset cirrhosis. Like maybe it's stage one. He's like, listen to me. He would know. Yeah. And then he described what happens to these people.

Doesn't that always make you feel better? The lengths you need to go to, to like actually acquire something like that. When you're like, oh, not that bad. Yeah. Not that bad. I thought I was dead. Dude, after quarantine, I got, I got blood work and they, the AST and AZT, whatever the liver enzymes say,

and it was two, one was two times the limit. The legal limit? The range. Yeah. The number's like eight to 20, and mine was like 40-something, and the second one was like almost three times. So I started bugging the fuck out,

and he's like, no, no, that's normal. Just drink more water, drink a little less. And I'm like, if that didn't do it, what I did to my body for two years during quarantine didn't't put a little lick on this thing i'm good baby are you on any medications yet no no i got the high blood pressure pill oh dear really does that affect the boost nope nice one of the first questions yeah so if i take this i don't have to change anything he goes you he goes try and tweak a few things though i swear to god this is example he goes like let's say he's like if you go out you have four beers he's like maybe have two yeah he's like you know you like your pizza have two

slices of pizza like have one i go doc that's amazing that those are the numbers you think i'm working with yeah whatever you're doing half it yeah totally four beers four beers and two slices of pizza was his ballpark for me. Damn. Sweet kid. If I get four beers in me in one night, like, that's taking it off. Absolutely. That's dry January. Absolutely.

Yeah, you don't even notice that. Did you ever do a dry month? Yeah, I did dry January a couple years ago. And I've never done it since. It's ridiculous, right? Yeah. Did you feel any better? It's like climbing Everest.

You know what? Yeah, no, I did it once. It's ridiculous, right? Yeah. Did you feel any better? It's like climbing Everest. You know what? Yeah, no, I did it once. I don't feel like going back. Dead buddies on the training. We lost three good men along the way. I never went back. I was going to do Dry March this year. And then too many things happen where I'm like,

I can't not drink during that day yeah i stubbed my toe like st patty's day was last week and i'm like why i gotta go out there then yeah i didn't as soon as this hit like 6 p.m i was like scurrying home oh really a story is not bad though there's it's mostly they're ethnic around here there's no they have a st patrick's day parade yeah like three three o'clock in the city. Really? Or maybe 12. 12 to 3 or some shit. Who knows? Do you go to work when these slobs go parading around?

Yeah. Like if you work in the Highlands, you got to go to work? In the Highlands? No, Highrise. The big buildings, Chris. The tall boys. In the Highlands of Ireland. I thought you were asking about the old country.

Yeah, me too. In the Highlands, you go to work? Do you still shovel in the Highlands of Ireland I thought you were asking about the old country in the highlands you go to work do you still shovel in the islands you still have to cut peat yeah I mean it was on a Friday this year yeah you gotta go to work I don't think you're exempt

it's not a national holiday well how big is the parade it's all down to like 5th Ave so that's a real, I tried to go into, uh, for Sirius XM, our office building one New Year's Eve.

This is how much of an idiot I am. I don't have a printer. So I was like, I'll go into my office to print out concert tickets. On New Year's Eve. On New Year's Eve. Cause that'll be convenient. Yeah.

And they made me go up like 40 blocks to go around. Yeah, dude, they shut everything down. Diagonally. Cause they just blocked off all the streets. So you got to go in, but they don't make it easy. Oh, dude.

You got a little shifty bomb in a bag face. You know what I mean? What do you mean? For a white guy? What's that supposed to mean? A bomb in a bag face? I never heard that. Well, if I was a cop. I didn't get any of those words.

What I mean is if I was a cop, that's why they secure the area for bombs. In a bag. Yeah, like you'd have a bomb in your bag. You think so? That about me? I don't know. I was a cop and that's why they secure the area for bombs. Oh, bomb in a bag. Yeah, like you'd have a bomb in your bag. You think so? That about me? I don't know. I'm a sweet guy. I think you're a sweet, handsome boy.

I was just trying to make it interesting. You think he's building bombs? Just taking jabs. I mean, if I was a cop and I looked at him, I'd be like, yeah, well, he's either, you know, working for production or he's helping move speakers. Oh, I get firefighters sometimes. You as a cop. Yeah, you got cop face. I do. I do. I have cop in You as a cop. Yeah, you got cop face.

Who are you kidding? I do. I have cop in the 80s energy. Maybe the 70s. Absolutely. Tommy is also the most suspicious person. You know what? I'll tell you where we were dropping bombs

maybe the first time we ever hung out. Oh my God. That was a memorable meeting. That was a beautiful meeting. That was all about dropping bombs. We murdered Cornhole. Oh yeah. That's immediately lifelong friends with that 100 percent

dude there's nothing like bonding over some backyard games it was i was big j had a barbecue like j had a barbecue however Big J had a barbecue. I don't know, six, however many years ago it was. On 4th of July. Yeah. And we're on the roof. Soder and Gillis teamed up. That's right. And they were yapping and yapping and yapping. They won like 10 games in a row.

Beating all these fucking nerds. Right. Then the Pope Fiore combo comes in. And he walks up to me and goes. The Ginzaloons walk in. Bomb in a bag face. Ginzaloons. He walks up to me and goes, hey, you want to partner up? Zaloon's walking in. Bomb in the bag face. Get the loon. He walks up to me.

He goes, hey, you want to partner up? And I was like, blushing. And I was like, absolutely, dude. And I was nervous. I've never seen him toss. Oh, boy, he's got a cannon. Thanks, man. That boy was sinking.

Do you play a lot? I have my own boards. I have my own boards. Yeah. And I don't play a lot, though. You don't need to. My college buddies and I, we get together once a year and i team up with my same but my buddy beave and we just fucking dominate it's just like do you throw a frisbee or do you go end over end i frisbee me

too yeah i do a spinner i do a little i do an arcing frisbee yeah yeah whatever we did dude but it's just the muscle memory comes back to me and And I'm just like, maybe if I did this consistently, there'd be another career choice. You probably know this from weight in the bag in one corner and float it. Dude, I've been trying. That's dangerous. That's the move you do when there's, when the hole's blocked and you got to go. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You got to airmail it. You got to airmail. I've watched it on ESPN now. Yeah, dude. So do I. It's so exciting.

I'm fucking. Or you get a bouncy board. I feel like the saucer on a bouncy board, it can skip. Different consistencies in the board, for sure. But yeah, we came in and fucking, we took down those. Dude, I can talk like this for another hour and a half. I can describe a beanbag for fucking three hours. I thought about getting like pro ones.

And then I'm like, nah, I just got to keep with the ones that came with the set. I used to do shells on the beach. You ever play shells? No. Yeah, so you just dig a hole. Genius. And you toss the bee. You got to go find big shells.

But that's what got me fired from my kayak job. I used to rent kayaks and the guy who owned the company was a Vietnam vet. Bat shit crazy. Yeah. And one time he got like real fucking pissed off at one of the coworkers. So then he started cruising around on a bike and just like he would get binoculars

and people make sure you're doing your job. Yeah, he's probably fucking, what he learned in Vietnam, fighting the Asians. Yeah. He probably, no, he's wearing, he's got like a range finder. Yeah, yeah.

Then he fired me because I was playing. There was no one on the beach. It was a storm. And my buddies came down. We started tossing shells. And he's like, you're fired, Papa. You're gone today. Damn.

Really? He was just looking for any excuse. Yeah, he was fucking nutty. He probably beat his wife so much and she doesn't feel pain anymore. He's got to take it out on random employees. Anyway, I can't believe Soder's got a fucking, he's got an anger problem.

Oh, buddy. Zero to six on Soder. Oh, shit. He was so upset we beat him. He's competitive. Yeah.

But I get it. I get it. I get competitive on that fucking board too, man. Yeah. And also they were, they thought they were untouchable. Yeah.

Shane was pissed off too. Did you run it back? Oh yeah, we beat, we beat. Yeah, I think we beat them twice in a row. Yeah. Oh yeah. They waited in line.

Dude, and then fucking Dice showed up and it was like just the greatest night of my life. That's right, Dice was there. I think that's when it fizzled out, otherwise I would have played 30

fucking games. I know. So apparently shuffle or cornhole success leads to success in comedy. Sure, dude. That's what we've seen. Sure, yeah, yeah.

Those guys have never been the same. High correlation if it wasn't for us winning he wouldn't be doing theaters right now dude he wouldn't be focused on cornhole i'm not jokes yeah you're you're you're there in Detroit pistons. Dude, we could have a 30 for 30 on that day. Every night they're on stage just thinking about that day. Can I tell you guys my 30 for 30 idea? I'm a little reluctant to say it, but this is my idea. Go ahead. I'm a big, I'm a huge hockey guy. My 30 for 30 idea has always been to, you know,

how they follow the winners of the Stanley Cup. Or they don't follow them. I want to follow winners. Just see what they do with the Cup. You get the Stanley Cup for like two days after you're on, after you're a member of a Stanley Cup winning team, and you can do whatever the fuck you want with it. And I thought that'd be the best 30 for 30.

You can fucking juxtapose it with like older guys telling stories back in the day, and then you can follow the current winner. Yeah. I thought that'd be an awesome 30 for 30. That's so good, dude. I got ideas. That's so good, dude. I got ideas. That's so good. I think that's the big thing with hockey is they need to stop protecting the brand so much.

Yeah, yeah. It's like, dude, mic up the refs. Yeah. Put mics on the ice. I want to hear every piece of shit talk they're saying. Yeah, yeah. They're the best shit talkers in the world. They are.

I know. And the refs are too. Well, they're half retards, so it's like. The refs are too. Just let them say it just let yeah dude you know it's like i let let that stuff rip yeah follow the cup see what kind of debauchery they get into i think it's one dude just like jerking off in it and did you see dave drinking his own come out yeah dude danny briere just took over as like the gm and his son next day, his son's on like a bar can. Literally 24 hours later.

He kicks a wheelchair down the stairs. And he's like, I'm so sorry. It's like, dude, he's in fucking Winnesquam or wherever the fuck he is. I don't think it's his first college. I think he was kicked out of the first one for doing shenanigans like that too. Fine. He'll be in the NHL in no time. That kind of instinctive behavior. Just toss a down the steps so wild so fucked up and so just

right up like no like northern canada hockey yeah hockey humor 101 right there well she said she got like uh on one of those you donate money she got like a shitload of money from. Oh, like a GoFundMe. GoFundMe. She's like, I don't want to,

I'll donate the money. It's like, well, make a fucking ramp at the bar. Oh, there you go. Get a little fun slide she can go down. Like one of those tubes at McDonald's in Old Paul Pitt.

Yeah. The old thing at Milwaukee Stadium. Yeah. You get a home run and you can go down the whirly slide. That would be, yeah, that would be like a high-level thing to do. If you planned it out with someone who was in a wheelchair and they really needed like a GoFundMe to blow up. Yeah.

If you just intentionally, you were like, I'll take the heat. I'm going to do something terrible to you. God, this is so insensitive. Then you'll make so much money. Absolutely. Shouldn't they have like a water park that's only for handicapped people? I don't think

that's big business. Yeah, there you go. Chris is thinking. Is it not? It's a big investment for people where it's not really a water park.

Yeah. You just see the owner going, don't be here. Yeah, yeah. They're going to come. Short lines then maybe. If you let regulars in.

True. God, I love water parks. I miss them so much. Yeah. I haven't been's short lines then maybe. If you let regulars in. True. God, I love water parks. I miss them so much. Yeah. I haven't been to one in so long. I haven't even been to one in, it's so funny. I did a show on,

well, I don't know if I count Seaside Heights. The water park is great. Really? Oh my God. I don't want to go near that water. Also, I was 23. That's 20 years ago. I haven't been in one in so long.

I haven't even been in the fast pass era. Yeah. Oh, neither have I. Neither have I. I haven't been in one in so long. I haven't even been in the FastPass era. Yeah. Oh, neither have I. Neither have I. I haven't lived yet, essentially. Yeah, but the FastPass is, I think the idea was right, but now,

if you go to like Disney World or some shit, aren't you still on giant lines even as a FastPass? It's like getting clear at the airport. It's all bullshit. That's what I'm saying. Give it, I'm at a point now in my life,

give me it all. I'll take TSA, clear, give me anything that gets me to the front. Do you have clear? I have it all. Yeah in my life, give me it all. I'll take TSA, clear, give me anything that gets me to the front. Do you have clear? I have it all. Yeah, you do. Clear PSA.

I got to get TSA. You can go right down the Home Depot. Well, you're doing almost. Oh, no, UPS. UPS.

UPS. Oh, yeah. And so, if you go to Home Depot, it's the place where probably the most illegal aliens hang out.

That's probably why they pick you out. You're like, he's good. Me, I don't know. You still got to take all your shit off. Take a free bag of fertilizer. You get to the front, but you still got to go through regular security, right?

Oh, TSA. Yeah. Well, pre-check. Pre-check. That's what I want, pre-check. Oh, no. Clear, you cut pre-check. Right.

Clear, you still got to go through security, though. If you don't have TSA pre-check but just clear you cut everybody but you still gotta take your shoes off your belt off so I mean what are we doing yeah right you know and what's clear 60 bucks a month yeah it might be a little more than that but it depends you got like if you got like a

Amex card with like Delta miles you can get a deal that's what I got baby I got the purple you get free clear with that Amex card what yes look into the deals. Yeah, you get free clear. You get free clear with that Amex card. What? Yes. Look into the deals, baby. Free TSA. I think free TSA, too.

You might just have to go and sign up. They might not brag. You can go to Staples. That's what it is. You can go to Staples. You can do it right now. Well, I want to. You guys can handle this, right? All this stuff is so crazy.

Like, did you watch any of that documentary about the Malaysian airline? No. Disappeared? Because I'm too nervous a flyer. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm still at that tune, too. I can't.

Yeah. Well, it's just insane that it's like all of this stuff that happened after 9-11, all the check in the bags, the shoes off, the belt, the hat, you know, can't wear a jacket, the computer's got to come out. And you can still, a pilot pilot just if he feels like it can literally disappear the plane with one switch yeah right yeah right why can you still turn the transponder that would be solution number one totally is how about you got we got to know where you are at all times yeah yeah if you steal a plane you can't just go bye yeah dude what the

fuck you can't rent a car without giving all this shit this guy's got bodies and fucking lives at stake and we're just letting them disappear you see the fucking there's they're like one of the potential theories it's like the honestly the most likely one is the guy just want to kill so yeah yeah he just turned it off and just like was like yeah we'll just fly forever until he crashed did you ever see those videos of the guys like jumping in cockpits and then just taking a plane and just going. Great way to go out.

Yeah. This one guy. Most terrifying way to go out. No. If you really want to kill yourself, you're not going to feel anything. I don't know, man. You see how calm some of those people were on 9-11? Don't worry about that.

I just read today they thought there might be a fifth plane they found. Really? In 9-11. I swear to God. Posted. In the post today. Where were they flying? In the post. I mean, all. In the post today. Where were they flying? In the post.

I mean, all right, so. Yeah, in the old wackies. And it was not even their paper. It was online. Don't take that for what you want. That shit is not real. A fifth plane. I mean, it's possible.

There was a dude on a, I watched this video the other day. It's fucking so beautiful. It's not. It's very, it's bad. This guy's on a bridge bridge he's on a very high bridge in some asian uh country he's a bus driver public bus driver and this woman is like whacking him with like she must have pissed him off somehow and he pissed her off she's whacking him with like

a purse or a sandal some fucking she's going to Hamill. He's like trying to batter, batter down and get him off her. Yeah. Get her off him. And he just goes, bah. And he just takes the whole bus. In that moment, he was so pissed off. He just decided, I'm taking everybody. Oh, he did a falling down.

He went over the fucking rail and then through the thing. And then you see the bus go. You're bad, man. What the fuck? 30 people died. Fuck. The only two people who survived. Two of the very few people that survived. The bus driver and the bitch with the bus go. You're bad, man. What? 30 people died. Fuck. The only two people who survived, two of the very few people that survived,

the bus driver and the bitch with the sandal. Of course. Really? Yep. 90% of the bus gone. Maybe that brought them together after that. Yeah, maybe they got together. Yeah.

Some trauma. Yeah, because they're at the front. They probably just went right into the glass. Everyone in the back is going. Yeah. They're taking a huge drop through the bus, hitting shit. Yeah.

Oh, my God. It wasn't land. Oh. Yeah. Whole time, my penis is out. A crash and a drown. Dude, you got to guarantee the ending, dude. If there was a lava pit underneath the water,

it'd be perfect. Shark attack. Submarines go by. It's like Super Mario Brothers, just with another layer of fucking hell. A big fish eats it. Grenade falls on you. I'm getting better at the flying thing, though.

Because I talked to, I sat next to, did I tell you this story on the last one? Yeah, yeah, sat next to a pilot. Sat next to a pilot. Yeah, I was asking him all these questions, like if the engines blow out, are we safe? He's like, yeah, as long as you're somewhere to land, you can glide.

I asked him about cockpit security. I asked him about fingering waitresses. And then I got caught smoking a fucking vape in the bathroom. Really? Yeah, and he was like, he started, like, tightening up a little bit. Really? Because he's like,

he heard the alarm go off, he looked back, saw me talking to this lady, I was like, I don't know what the fuck happened. Meanwhile, like, I threw the vape in my shoe. In your shoe? Yeah. After the alarm went off, in case she was just going to go up. I'm like, look, I got no fucking vape. I would have took my shirt off.

Anyway, I sat back down. He was like, are you vaping in there? And I was like, yeah, you know how it is sometimes. And he goes, I can't do that. They don't like that. No. What do you mean you can't do that? It's like, why?

Well, cigarettes I get. Vaping. Yeah, vaping. mean you can't do that? It's like, why? Well, cigarettes I get. Vaping. Yeah, vaping. Why? It's vape. It's vape. Obviously, you do it in a little box, but I've never— Is it because they don't want—

Is it weed or just—or nicotine? No, no, nicotine. Yeah, yeah. So maybe they don't—maybe if it's weed. Yeah. You got to say no to all of it. They got to say no to weed. Like, they can't have people getting high, probably.

No, no. Yeah, you got to say no to weed. You got to say no to all. Anything that has, like, a linger—anything that can soak into the fabric. Oh, true. You got to say no to weed. Like they can't have people getting high probably. No, no. You got to say no to anything that has like a linger, anything that can soak into the fabric. Oh, true. You got to go no. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. Like a tuna sandwich. A tuna sandwich is more offensive than vapor. You should be immediately arrested. A thousand percent. You open like hard-boiled eggs, a tuna sandwich. Yeah, you can't have that on the –

You should have caution tape all over you, wrapped up, duct taped to the front, and everybody gets to throw one punch. Dude, yeah. If you shit on a plane, an alarm should go off. Sometimes you just have to, though. Don't start, Andy. No, I shit on a plane. From a guy who looks like me, trust me, sometimes you just have to.

It's fucking horrendous. Last time it happened, I'm still starting. Oh, hey, I'm courtesy flushing like there's no tomorrow. I'm mindful of everybody else. I know this is a... This is just last resort. In the bathroom every five minutes flushing. You're going to press it.

Ears don't explode. Dude, that suction is so insane. That suction is nice. You feel like you can get fucking pulled in. Hello, fresh. Hello, fresh. Send us a freaking meal. Yeah, yeah. Send us a meal, dude. Hello, fresh. Wow, HelloFresh. Send us a freaking meal. Yeah, yeah.

Send us a meal, dude. HelloFresh. We're going to make, we'll make some HelloFresh. With HelloFresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients, and seasonal recipes

delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. This is true. Like, I had a terrible relationship that I kept extended way longer than it should

by making HelloFresh. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was like, you know, the sex was great, but we, you know, we were constantly at loggerheads. Yeah. Is this Road to Rails?

What? Yeah. Yeah, but boy, HelloFresh brought us together. Yeah. You cook with your lady. It does. It truly does. It makes such a huge difference. Man, if you're married with kids, get some HelloFresh. I'm telling you. If you

are an adult and not cooking for yourself, it's crazy to me. It crazy it's so enjoyable it is nice it's good it's good to meditate especially you like you like to meander around with your own thoughts it's a perfect time it's therapeutic there's a payoff you're learning i get it's so. You just put some fucking jazz music on or something that doesn't make you think too much and you get your own head in this process. It's everything you like.

I want some LL Fresh because dinners are my, I have a hard time with dinners. I can make, like, when I'm cooking for myself, which I got like a, every once in a while I get a week or two in. I can make breakfast. I can make lunch. But then dinner I always want to do something, but I don't know how to go to get the meat. Yes, you do.

We do it every fucking show. I know, but I just like, there's something about going in there by myself. Literally, dude, when we went to Austin, I went shopping and like every fucking, I went into the grocery store and everything I put in the basket, I was just like, fucking whatever. That's how I like. Wait, I went into the grocery store and everything I put in the basket, I was just like, fucking whatever. That's how I like.

Wait, you went, you went cooking or shopping to cook? Yeah. What, like barbecue? Yeah, I made burgers and sausages and stuff. How hard was that? What do you mean? I'm just saying, I didn't know what to get. I had everyone else in my head being like, you bought fucking burger?

What the fuck? And I'd just be like, I don't know. I just had people in my head. Yeah, you got to take somebody. Grocery store, you're just like, what do we burger? What the fuck? And I'd just be like, I don't know. I just had people in my head. Yeah, you got to take somebody that- You're just like, what do we get? I got eggs. I don't think anyone ate anything. It's like a dad selecting their sons for a purpose, right?

You got a runner, which is usually the youngest. He's going to do the fucking bopping around because he wants attention attention and you got the strength which is the oldest he's the bull yeah he's gonna be pushing the cart loading shit in yeah and you got the middle kids probably a thinker strategist yeah what do we need for this what did your mother tell me to get he's gonna ask for something unique yeah because he wants some attention when you have a group of friends putting you out there to get the meal, you got to look around your friends and go,

I want that guy. That guy's a strategist. Yeah. You want a lunk, a lunk alarm like Shane. Yeah. That meat wagon's going to pick up all the heavy shit and put it in the back. I am going to direct. I'm the composer. Yeah. Come on, Chris. We didn't have a composer. Well, guess what? With HelloFresh,

all of these people... Stuff gets taken care of. All these people are in the box. I always want to make a steak and take the thing and pour it on it. What? I want to make a steak in the pan and take the juice. Yeah. Yeah. We could do that tonight.

I don't know. I just got some veal. Veal was on sale. Really? Yeah. I'm going to make veal salt and bucca. I just got some sherry wine. Well, here's the thing about HelloFresh.

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You gotta love it. Gotta love that. This episode is also sponsored by BetterHelp. It's America's number one meal kit. BetterHelp. Getting to know yourself can be a lifelong process. I need six fucking lives. Lives. Getting to know yourself can be a lifelong process. I need six fucking lives. Life's.

Getting to know yourself? Life's is this. Yeah. Especially because we're always growing and changing. Hopefully. That's the process. I'm growing right fucking now, obviously. I mean, you guys have been, since you've known me,

you see how much I've grown. Sometimes we don't know what we want or why we react the way we do. Maybe she's talking too fucking much. Until we talk through things. Therapy can help by deepening your self-awareness. BetterHelp connects you with a licensed therapist who can guide you on that journey of self-discovery.

And I don't know how many times, this is pretty much a testament to why we don't have a producer as of now and why we're not moving in the direction we want. Because we still have yet to sign up for BetterHelp. Yeah. We need BetterHelp. Yeah.

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visit betterhelp.com slash stuffisland today and get 10% off your first month that's betterhelp h-e-l-p dot com slash stuff island today and get 10 off your first month that's better help help.com slash stuff island i hope someone outside is just like hell what the hell then we said last time just some dude on a beach and just getting blasted with a load. It's a huge pile of falling shit going a thousand miles an hour, smacking him on the fucking chest.

That's not how it happens. I know, I know. Because we've all heard those urban stories. Yeah, I know, I know. There's no way. They'll just suck it out the side of the plane. They should over the water, though. If you're going over the ocean, they should have a button that just goes, release the fucking hounds.

Throw it all out there for the whales. I don't see why not. Yeah. The whales are just circling a certain part of the ocean, like in the flight path. Waiting for the ship. They know the hot spots. Yeah, they know it's all filled with Burger King.

Good shit this time of year. We don't get this in the ocean. Follow the air jets. I got to get another beer. Good Christ. Yeah, dude. I'm starting to not like the just stewardesses and stuff. I don't know if that's flight attendants.

Yeah. They're really, everyone working at the airport is, I don't like their energy yeah i guess i mean stop stop with the tray tables and the seats well they just it's again they're gatekeepers it's the only power they have that's true it drives me wild yeah i think they are cutting down on so much in-flight stuff that is also kind of as you're like all right i don't have to deal with you i don't have to see you that often which is great i don't know i don't think it is dude i drink i like getting into my own thing now now with so much i have my noise canceling headphones i got my shit downloaded to watch one pass give me a coke and the cookies and i'm good i don't need to see you again for the rest

of the flight yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I like to be in my own shit. Sure. That's how Chris is because Chris falls asleep. But I need waters. Do me a favor. Bring fucking water. I see people not getting up to piss for a six-hour flight.

I'm worried for you. Or just do a quick, like, waitress-type move. You don't have to bring the whole tray out. They do that. Now they just bring open... No, no, I know. But I'm saying just, like, walk through and be like, anyone need anything?

Yes. Yeah. You just look at the awake people, you guys. Dude, you ever get a fucking... I thought you were talking about Tommy. Who needs something? While I'm up, anybody need anything? Tommy's a gunslinger, dude.

Buying shots for a little. Just behaving like you're at a high school reunion Like guys I'm gonna go get a Is anyone else thirsty Yeah Dude when you get a When you get a stewardess

Or a Whatever you call Flight attendant Flight attendant When you get one That's really good at the job I had a peach A couple weeks ago

You got what I had a peach A couple weeks ago You don't forget him dude You know cause I One of my I go Thank you

Who's better than you And she went Not many And then we had a whole little That's it Yeah And then she's my girl For the rest of the flight Dude You don't forget them, dude. You know, because I, like, one of my, I go, thank you. Who's better than you? And she went, not many. And then we had a whole little. That's it. Yeah. And then she's my girl for the rest of the flight. Dude, if you, I treat it like a bartender, right?

Totally. When I go into a new bar, I'll give them the first compliment. Yeah. Because I want you to shave something off here. Yeah. You know? If I ask for a single, give me a double whiskey. Yeah.

And they're just going, that one's on me. Next one's on me. All you got to do is strike up. Your whole fucking job is to be likable and personable. Yeah. It's your whole job. You're in the service industry. That's how you get paid. Yeah. And they're just going, that one's on me. Next one's on me. All you got to do is strike up, that's your whole fucking job is to be likable and personable. Yeah. It's your whole job. You're in the service industry. That's how you get paid.

Yeah. How are you going to be a fucking dickhead? Yeah. It's hard to do that from a window seat. Oh, yeah. I was on the aisle.

This woman gave me three beers. I'm all window. You can schmooze in an aisle. I love the window too, but it's hard to do it over two people. I pee too often. You know what?

I've been on a great run of no one next to me lately. Yeah. That's nice. That's the fun thing about being a comedian and going to comedy towns yo not many people are going to fucking yeah dayton yes on a thursday yeah so chances of nobody being next to me are pretty high we're going to buffalo on thursday it's me chris and the pilot i checked i know they upgrade you uh no i got upgraded last. That's why I got next-gen pilot. I got upgraded recently, too.

Yeah. Coming back from Pittsburgh. Yeah. That's the one time I'm bummed. I'm like, it's a 40-minute flight, and I only get to— Well, they love giving you that upgrade. Well, most people that go to Pittsburgh end up killing themselves there, so the return flights are empty as fuck. I'm telling you, you got to get that Amex, buddy.

I got it, daddy. Yeah. I got the purple one. All right. Your next step's clear. It's only 500 a year or something like that. It's a little pricey for an APR. Let's be honest.

I paid off. I only have 15,000 limit. It's just for miles and perks. I've learned whatever my limit is, I'll hit it. Oh, I'll get it. They've raised it. I'm like, keep going, baby. I've been looking at these

leather pants for weeks. Can't think that's going to fucking stop me. These bad boys are finally coming home with me. There's a reason my card's purple. I'm gay. Gay for stuff. You got the Prince version? It's got the little symbol on it.

It's permanently lined with fake coke on one side. It's so funny. To have like a $150,000 limit, but you're just in that last 5k the whole time that's where i'm living on like a 30 grand limit right now i'm living in like the 25 to 30 dude i was telling chris i missed the the silver the first because i only had it for like three months i missed it by like 30 miles i was good that's when you just got to do it i was gonna take a bottle jump yeah you don't even gotta but it was like two weeks before and i the holidays were coming i was like i can't go where am i gonna go yeah fucking january i'm gonna go to you know some island with all these fucking

juice during christmas no what you do yeah i don't know what island is that i don't know hell just to know to stay away. You should just like figure out a way to get into the Delta Sky Club and just buy a bunch of drinks and get that extra couple miles. There's tricks. I didn't know that is how it worked. Yeah, you get miles for buying stuff. If it's out-of-pocket purchase, you get miles. Yeah.

There's a bunch of incentives. It's like two-for-one shit. Like if you take a Lyft to the airport instead of Uber, that's double miles on your Amex. All sorts of wacky games. Here's what I did. Lyft and Uber. People are going to hate this.

This is all transportation talk for 10 fucking minutes. You're like, I don't leave my couch. Move on with something. We can talk couches next. Yeah, the Jew talk was fun. I feel like Uber, when they came out with that anti-homophobic, anti-gay slur or something, one of the CEOs was like, I don't believe in gay marriage or some shit.

And then Lyft popped off. Lyft was like, we accept everybody. And they fucking changed their logo and all that shit. Yeah. And then they became, Lyft used to be a lot cheaper than Uber. And now it's the opposite. Every time I go to Lyft, I'll do a price check here and there

and Lyft is 100% more expensive every fucking time. For me at least. Oh yeah. I had a conflict with Uber where they were like, you got to do this, this and this to like get back on and I was like, fuck you. I just don't need to do that.

Yeah, there's competitors. Why? Yeah. What do you mean? Yeah. What happened? I think I challenged a charge and then they, they were like,

no, you're wrong. Right. And I was like, well, I'm not coming back then, you know? And so I'm now only lift.

Yeah. And then what did you have to do to get back? I had to like, it's probably not that much. I'm probably making it way worse than it sounds. It's gotta download the app again you're like what am i a migrant worker that's probably all it is yeah the nerve really got me over the bag here so i use live but now if i'm in the city dude yellow cab spots are now cheaper than the than the ride shares so i'm i just think of yellow if i have to i don't know you start talking to those guys you're like

like the airport yellow cabs when the guy's I have to. I don't know. You start talking to those guys. You're like, you like the airport yellow cabs? When the guy's like, taxi, taxi, and you don't. No, you walk right by those grifters. Yeah. Come on. And then you'll say, you'll look up on Uber. It says like $26. It's like 10 bucks to get here from LaGuardia. No, you walk by the taxi, taxi guys and go to the actual taxi cab stand.

Dude, you ever have a guy coming because we're right next to LaGuardia? You ever have them get mad that they're only coming to Astoria? I've had that happen before. It's not like a good airport fare for them. I had one guy frustrated. I'm like, let me out then, fucker. I'll get another one. It's not my fault.

Yeah. I live where I live. Yeah. I thought those guys liked it because they would just be on like a little rapid. It's a quick loop. Yeah. Assholes. You're basically just leaving.

You can't sit at the airport. Dude, I got kicked out. Who's more entitled than cab drivers? I got kicked out recently for the first time ever. I've had five stars for so long. This fucking maniac picked up me and my girl after dinner by Steakhouse Keens or whatever in Midtown. So good, right?

So good. And I'm taking a short trip back to Astoria. This guy's got music playing, and he's like, he said something weird. And then he goes, no talking. I don't like talking. And I was like, what's that? And we were having like a normal conversation

at normal decibel about regular things. It wasn't politics. It wasn't nothing you could be offended by. He just lost it. He goes, no talking. I don't want no talking. And I was like, what's that? He said, no talking.

I was like, well, I don't like any fucking music. Take the music down. Yeah. And then she goes, no, no, no, no. Pull over. Because she saw where that was going to go. Right, right, right. So I didn't technically get kicked out.

But then as soon as I got out, I got a fucking email from Uber going, on our record says there was a dispute and you, the guy feared for his life. I didn't say anything. I mean. He threatened him. I did not. I did not.

I just called him a fucking jerk off. I didn't say I'm going to beat the fuck out of you. I had my ankle knife out, but that was it. Dude, it was insane. His behavior was insane. Yours was a little crazy too. No, no talking is it. Dude, it was insane. His behavior was insane. Yours was a little crazy, too. No, no talking is bananas. I know it's bananas.

No talking. The way he said it, and he goes, I said no talking. I don't like talking. Yeah, but you got to realize that everything from that point forward is on the record. Yeah, true. So you got to just go, what do you mean no talking? I can't talk? That's what I said.

That's what I said first. Listen, Chris. I didn't have fucking library disposition. I said, what do you mean no talking? It's fucking ridiculous. It is ridiculous. And he's like, I don't like cooking. I was like, well, then I'll fucking take it.

All right, you motherfucker, I'm going to stab you. Oh, dude, you know what? I bet your girl was talking. They have rules against that. They don't like the women yabbering. No, he wasn't Muslim. Also, my girl's Muslim. Yeah.

No, he was like Filipino or some Asian. He just didn't like talking. Dude, the way he said it too was like scary if you were just a girl. Like it was like, she was kind of bugged out

by like his demeanor was like fucking crazy. Well, dude, anyone who says no talking is a psychopath. Yeah. There's no question about that. Dude, and we're not like

drunk girls coming back from the bar. Like, it wasn't like, we weren't screaming. Right, right. We weren't bros that are hammered like, oh, yo, fucking Ricky, you did this. Yeah. We're talking very quietly.

I really enjoyed. Speaking of Daniel Soder, me and him were in Charlotte a couple months ago, and we get an Uber to the club, and you guys, I was just sitting with my cell phone like on my lap just like place it there and uh this guy we get in and it's like blasting that hip-hop but like middle it was like

yeah yeah all that other bullshit yeah you know i mean it sort of looked like you know big guys with beards he literally turns he goes military and we were like no we don't joke the farthest thing from imagine you two in uniform holy shit and that was so that's the last time we heard of him and i think it got him like he was like angry at us for that but so we turn on he was angry about what i think he just like turned right around and didn't talk to us for the rest of the ride because you made jokes about the military around and didn't talk to us for the rest of the ride. Because you made jokes about the military? No, we didn't even make a joke.

I just think the lack of respect he then had for us. Because you weren't military. Made him want nothing to do with us anymore. I like that. Like I think he thought we were all in it together. And then we were like, no. And he was like, no, I'm done with you then. Yeah.

So we turn onto the club. My phone's on my lap. It slides off. And you ever like, no, I'm done with you then. Yeah. So we turn onto the club. My phone's on my lap. It slides off. And you ever like talk to your inanimate objects? I looked at him. I was like, where do you think you're going? And he goes, I turned left on the club. I followed the map, asshole.

I swear to God, he's the one that's talking to him. And he was ready to fucking slit my throat. Because I said it in like a cutie pie voice. I was like, where do you think you're going? And he was like, I follow GPS. Fuck you, asshole. There are certain jobs where like you gotta be careful. You don't know when

this guy's last fucking day is. Dude, especially driving jerk-offs around. All night long. The first question I ask if I have to ask anything, if they're like cordial, I ask if they do it full time and do they do nights and weekends? Because I want to know, I want to gauge this guy I have to ask anything, if they're like cordial, I ask if they do it full time, and do they do nights and weekends? Because I want to know, I want to gauge this guy's level of, one, do I want to talk to this guy?

Two, how quickly can this motherfucker snap? Yeah. Because he's used to all these piggies fucking puking in the back of his car, pissing him off, yapping. That's a good move. That's a very good move, Mark. It sets the tone immediately. Now I know what to expect from him,

and now I know if I'm going to bother him or like... I also don't like talking too much, but some guys, you get a good read. I've had some of the most magical fucking reads. Rides. What?

It's like, how many tours? Yeah. It's true. You get a fucking long... It's like... Yeah, yeah. By the time you get a yellow cab taxi driver... How long have you been in this shit?

Dude, fucking yellow cab taxi guys. Yeah. 20 years in. That's like a war vet without an arm but i get it my paul i get in with my headphones already out and on and sometimes even if i can hear them i'll just go sorry what so he knows i'm like yeah i don't need to talk or anything like that yeah you know if you're gonna when me and my brother like 20 we just moved to the city and my friend tim is just an obnoxious, he just gassed one. And the guy lost his mind. A fart? It cost, threw us out.

And I agreed with him. I was like, yeah, that's, that's shitty, baby. What? It was terrible. I was like, dude, we deserve to get tossed out. This guy was offended by the odor. Did you grab the windows? Yeah, it was bad.

It was just too much? It was, yeah. It seeped through the plastic divider yeah the alarm would have went off in the fucking plane there was no getting around this just uh just a heat seeker like my friend was so entertained with himself he couldn't stop giggling i'm like dude you're the fucking reason you're an asshole those types of dudes yeah who number one would do that as a joke right they're immediately cracking up they They love it. They think it's so funny. Even before you get whacked in the nose.

Yeah, how embarrassed I was. I was appalled. I was like, I'm so sorry. This is my friend's an asshole. He grew up with a nanny. He doesn't know. Public tutors. There's a dude that we both know.

You don't know this about him, but I'll tell you who it is after the cast. I don't hang out with in public unless there's a group of us because he thinks it's funny. This episode is also sponsored by Groove Life. about him, but I'll tell you who it is after the cast. I don't hang out with him in public unless there's a group of us. Because he thinks it's funny. This episode is also sponsored by Groove Life. Upgrade your style with Groove Life.

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god damn it maybe this is espresso this is yeah, mint. Maybe this is espresso. This is, yeah, mint, berry something. Berry citrus. Berry citrus sounds good. I'm going to fire one of these up, dude. Yeah, dude, this is airplane stuff.

This is good airplane stuff. You know who's going to like these? Because it just looks like chewing gum. You know who's going to take these off my hands? Illegally? Who? Gardinially? Who? Gardini. I got to get the guard dog to stop smoking cigarettes.

He does. He does need to quit. He's smoking too much. He does need to quit. Whoa, what the fuck? Let me finish this. Yeah. What's wrong with me?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Openness. You're not doing a good product display here. You got to take the... Yeah, the strip. Nice. Oh, so this is for extra used pouches.

I guess. The top? That's pretty smart. That's sick. Yeah. Let me try one. That's sick. Yeah. Let me try one. That's good. All right.

I'm going to try a berry citrus dump. Oh, man. Ooh. Is this apple ice? I don't know. You took it. Oh. Yeah, this is...

I don't know what this is. Let's go. Damn, this reminds me of baseball. Berry citrus. When's go. Damn, this reminds me of baseball. Berry citrus. When's the first time you dipped? My buddies got into it. Whoa. Hell yeah.

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and every order is age verified warning this product contains nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical alright yeah but enjoy it this gum is actually pretty fucking good I should have went with gum

what flavor you got berry citrus it's great right and he public toots all the time and I'm like stop fucking doing that

and if if anybody's around me I cut ties dude here's the other reason why that's bad behavior you got gaseous I'm out I'm the one

who's getting blamed look at me yes you guys want free fart amnesty around me yeah yeah you got it

cause I'm the one who's always the big cat's always getting fucking looked at it's like a hot chick at the gym she can blast everywhere she wants.

And it smells good. Dude, it does not. The first time you smell your girl's toot, it's like fucking. I would be kind of proud, though. It curls your back. If my fart was so bad I got kicked out of a cab, I'd be, I would not be able to stop laughing. Yeah, you're the type we're talking about. You shit on airplanes, you fart in cars.

Yeah. And you go, what, I had to fart. I can't. I'm too embarrassed. You can't sit there. You shouldn't be embarrassed. Take years off your life because people can't handle a little stink. Years. That's why you need years. Years. You can't have gas in there. Oh, God. Putting all kinds of pressure on things. You know what I mean? You gotta let it out. That's true.

You gotta let it out. It's so fucking gross, dude. Also, toots are just fucking, there's just air going around them. A big wad of shit. You got to, you got, you go prairie dogging, right? So you got, you got, you got a crap on deck. And the wind is just whipping around this pyramid of shit.

I know. So when you got a stinky toot, you got to fucking, you got to pack, pack, bank a dump. Dude, I was, I had to shit so bad before that show in Poughkeepsie and I was just letting out farts and they're all like, you know what, you know when you, you know there's a shit in there, but you're trying to see how much gas you got. You know what I mean?

You're trying to relieve some pressure. And I remember right before I went on stage, I let out a fart that was literally just like. Oh. And I was like, no. Yeah. The enemy's at the gates dude you did your whole set? oh dude damn dude

but you know it goes away once you're concentrating that's true somebody confirmed this on a YouTube comment but you can solidify diarrhea by just waiting really? just keep sucking the juices out all the moisture will come right out of there on my experiences on a YouTube comment, but you could solidify diarrhea by just waiting. Yeah. Really? Just keep sucking the juices out.

Yeah. All the moisture will come right out of there. Not in my experiences. You don't have the patience. Not a lot of patience. Yeah. Not a lot of, or it's not really ever been up to me.

There also has, yeah, it's got, you got to be in a scenario where you're in controlled environment. You know what I mean? Yeah. Or not, or lack thereof where like you have to.

No, but there's definitely been things right before I've gone on stage where you go out there and it's gone. Then you buy some time. The bubble guts, it's brought on by anxiety a lot of times. Sure, sure. I always have to go boomsies before a show. Yeah, I do tend to piss a lot for a bigger show because you're a little nervous maybe or something.

That's the worst when you can't identify whether I have nerves, do I have to piss, do I have to shit, am I going to puke? It's all just like, what's happening? Yeah, it's like a quarterback. Nervous before the Super Bowl, he's got to throw up, but we just throw up at our butt because we're not throwing anything around. Yeah, yeah. It would be nice to...

He winked at me. You like that? No. It felt good, dude. I threw up the first hockey game in high school, and it wasn't for nerves. You what? Threw up? It was just like. You were actually sick?

Yeah. It was just like my friend's mom, we all slept over his house, and we all had pancakes. And I was just like, I don't think they were fucking, you know, when they get undercooked, it's just like batter was sitting there. Oh, I love the batter. I used to eat the batter. Oh, really? Pancake batter, huh?

Yeah. I mean, I'm open to it. If it's just a mix. Okay. If people put eggs in there, I'm not doing that. You can eat raw eggs. Come on. Look at Rocky, baby.

I know. That's why you're getting the girdles all the time. You get down to raw eggs like Rocky. I do eat raw eggs sometimes. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I take one a. That's why you're getting the girdles all the time. You get down to raw eggs like Rocky. I do eat raw eggs sometimes. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I take one a month.

How do you eat them? A raw egg? Sometimes. I thought that's like the worst thing you could do. I got organics. Put it in a glass? Yeah, how do you take it in? Like a big old load.

You just crack it? You just swallow? You just crush the egg? Wow. Dude, sometimes. I don't think I've ever told you that, have I? No, that's crazy.

Well, sometimes I come home and I don't like the way my appetite works. I fast for like 16, 18, 20 hours sometimes. Yeah. And I'm not hungry at all until like 5, 6 p.m. Really?

But I know if I have something to do, like today I ate a half of bacon egg and cheese because by the time the pie gets done, I'm fucking gassed. So certain days, I'll just go and eat a little protein because I'm not going to eat for another six hours if I have to go out.

And I don't want to cook the egg. I don't have time. Yeah, you got to get, just eat three things a day. Three. I'm working on two. Also, it takes four seconds to scramble that shit up. Why do you like it raw? That's why I started

boiling off a whole thing of eggs. I think one's coming up right now. What are you talking about? See, they're going to go out that side. I'm wearing my light jeans on. I'm trying to force it up this way. Dude, you ever shit so bad one day

you just change the color of your pants? Like, before you go out, you're like, just in case. I can't wear this color what no yeah if you got boomsies for like a few times you know you know you're gonna have to go again you just get scared you might shit yourself so you go with your blacks dude i got shit jeans bro i've never been i got swamp ass jeans for the summer i got that that makes sense That makes sense. That makes sense. You want to avoid an obvious wet spot. Well, my ex chick wouldn't wear.

She goes, when I got the troubles, no way I'm wearing white pants. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's crazy. I'm not going around wearing white pants, but it's like... All right. Dude, if you did, that would roll out. If you just became some fucking Miami Beach Cabana guy,

it's a wild way to say cocaine, but if you just wore all white one day, that would be so sick. That would be wild to have some style. Yeah. It's a lot of thought. It's a lot of thought. This is hoody and cheesy. I just put whatever's clean on.

I mean, you do dress like a Latino teenager. Basketball shoes in a basketball hoop. I'm only wearing these because my other shoes just wore out. You have four pairs of shoes in the fucking middle room. They're all fucked up and dirty, though. Well, throw them out. You're talking about throwing stuff out? I just tossed another

pair of sneakers. I got five. You have 600 pairs of sneakers. I know I threw out That whole closet is is that whole closet still full?

Now I got rid of those. That closet's full of all your stuff? That's half too. I don't even know what all those products in that closet. I don't, you have

an entire CVS's worth of products in there. None of them can be used. There's dust on them. No, they're all brand new. It's a brand new renovated design. No, it's not.

Yes, it is. We just did it two days ago, you fuck. There's 45-year-old cream of some kind. Chris, the middle room smells like bedhead

because of the stink coming from your bedroom. Shut the fuck up. All right, well, I got one room. All my stuff has to be in there. All right, fair enough. The middle room smells like bedhead because you stink coming from your bedroom. Shut the fuck up. All right. Well, I got one room. All my stuff has to be in there. All right. Fair enough.

It's everything. I'm at the maximum amount of sneakers I've ever had in my entire life. I think I got. Three? I got four pair. I knew you were going to say that. Yeah. One's for like when I go boxing.

One's like athletic sneakers. Running sneakers. And then the other three are just like different color versions of these. Really? Literally like gray, black, and navy. They're skateboard shoes? They are, but they're navy. So they fit my fat foot good.

Like I can't wear Nikes because my feet are too wide. Do you know what I found? These fucking shoes like this, like Vans. I love these. When they're like narrow and they look great on tall guys. Yeah, I think that's why I like them. I'm too stocky. These are fucking New Balances. They're like New Balance they look great on tall guys. Yeah, I think that's why I like them. I'm too stocky. No, these are fucking New Balances.

They're like New Balance skate. I can't wear, I like, I need like a. You were great with the fucking Air Max 90s. They look good on you. I know, but I can't wear them very much. I also can't do the cool lace thing though. Yeah, I don't, I'm not a huge fan of this. I'm just kind of stuck in this zone for a little while.

Let's go shopping tomorrow. I'll get you some nice sneaks. Yeah. I'll make you feel nice sneaks. Yeah. I'll make you feel like a pretty little girl. I don't know. What do you mean? I need to be one of those people who just wears the exact same thing every single day. That's why.

Let me tell you something. Prepare the same shoe. You're in the right field. And just fucking, yeah. There's nothing more generic than a fucking male comic. Oh, dude. I mean. New Balance wants to give me a little sponsorship?

I'll wear these for the rest of my life. Yeah, dude. Shout out to New Balance. I'll sign a lifetime contract right now. New Balance is hard. Nice. Are you in a relationship right now? No.

No. Singy. How long were you with your girl? The last one was right before COVID. She broke up with me like two weeks before COVID hit. So that was fun to go into isolation. Did she know? Isolation.

Oh, fresh off a break. No. No. It was like late February.b it was like she wasn't a lab tech yeah now it was uh it was ash wednesday oh yeah because i had a joke about it dude that would be funny broken up with one of those your fucking foreheads all ashy i can't take you serious. Do you think there was? Did you wipe that shit off your head? Like a lab tech in Wuhan knew shit.

He's like, oh, fuck. And he's like, I got to get rid of this bitch now. Dude. He's going home and divorces his wife. Oh, that's so hilarious. Now we got to separate. No, we weren't together that long. It's been nine months.

Oh, okay. But yeah, I haven't really been in a relationship since. How'd you meet her? We met at the Comedy Cellar. Yeah together that long. It's been nine months. Oh, okay. But yeah, I haven't really been in a relationship since. How'd you meet her? We met at the Comedy Cellar. Oh, yeah, that helps. Yeah. She liked your style and your jokes? Came right up to me afterwards.

And then she opened your closet and was like Bart Simpson with all the same fucking... 40 of the same outfits. She was like, I can't fuck this dude anymore. She was way... Dude, I don't know how much I could say, but like... I doubt she's listening to this. I recently... What's her name? she was way dude I don't know how much I could say but like I I doubt she's listening to this

yeah I recently what's her name what's her middle name I don't even what was her middle name I fucking would have to think about that I googled her recently

her now fiance of course I was convinced I was kind of convinced something was happening of course and then

is like on the hook for stealing inherited money from like his siblings. Yeah. So he got like a huge inheritance from like his Italian grandmother. This is going to be so easy to Google. But like, yeah, he kept like, it's like 4 million. He's like a public figure. Whoa.

Yeah. Well, he's not a public figure, but it was just like, again, good post. Good. Yeah. Yeah. I hope the bitch rots. I know. Isn't that great? She chased the coin. She chased the coin. a public wow yeah well he's not a public figure but it was just like again good post good yeah yeah i hope the bitch rots i know she chased the coin she chased the coin i want it stolen from my sisters come on i don't know how to do paperwork yeah i'm gonna fucking deal with uber you think i'm gonna be able to dance my way around this dude how would you how do you hide that stealing from your family dude i got some crazy family? Dude, I got some crazy...

Four million? Yeah, lots. I got some crazy, like, weird ex stuff. The girl I dated over Uber is dead. Really? Wait, over Uber? Over Uber. Over COVID.

Over Uber. The girl you dated over COVID is dead. I met her in, like, the park. Is she in the park still? No. She's in a park. God, I'm going... She's in a memorial park. park is she in the park still it is a park where you bury she died covid no she took her own life yeah because of covid you think i don't know i

don't know i don't think you got better than you you got that good suicide dignity yeah no i was another i was googling an ex and it was like it was like a year ago oh yeah so this was like we dated that's boy that's that's that's a rough that is, dude That's a rough Sunday morning You wake up with hangover anxiety You're like, I wonder what my ex is up to Let's see what Michelle's doing She's probably living her best life Yeah, she better not have gotten engaged

To that other guy I was suspicious about This bitch is married Yeah, to the Holy Spirit Oh my God She was an actress this bitch is married yeah it's the Holy Spirit oh my god she was an actress so like you can IMDB her and I was like oh let me just see what she's doing and I found a

fucking article cause it's like an interview with the director and there was like I am so sorry I'm using the name Michelle it's not the real name by the way they were like we're so sorry to find out what happened to Michelle and I was like what do am so sorry. I'm using the name Michelle. It's not the real name, by the way. They were like, I was so sorry to find out what happened to Michelle. And I was like, what do you mean what happened to Michelle? She got cut?

And then I Googled the phone, and all of a sudden, I didn't see this at first. The third Google search was like, Michelle, blah, blah, obituary. Oh my God. Yeah. And then I found,

then I found the online. I know. this opened up at least three or four days worth of research you were like how dead is she oh yeah yeah

well then I found the memorial service online they stream you can still fucking you went to the

streamed memorial it was a link I found it in my google searches my hands were tied

you want me to do not click on that are you kidding me you're like excuse me I used to. What do you want me to do? I had to watch it. Click on that? Are you kidding me? You're like, excuse me. I used to date Michelle. I'd like a few words. Dude, I swear to God.

It's her father. And he's weird about it. He's like doing that thing. He's like, so we're all obviously going to miss Michelle. But suicide. Ooh, big scary word. I'm like, oh, dude, have a little fucking. Oh, my God.

Did he kill her? I'm like, have a little. have a little fucking. Oh, my God. Did he kill her? I'm like, have a little. I don't mean it was disrespectful. Ultimate comedian brain. You just like have a little stage. Pace it out. No one to place the inflection. How many times did you work the set out?

Did you run it? They did the obituaries twice. But then her brother got up and was like crying. And I'm like, that's the fucking reaction. He was like telling stories. It was like, yeah, man, it was weird. That I found out about last week. And it's still kind of shocking.

I thought that's what you were saying. That's what the brother said. He's like, yeah, man, this is fucking weird. This is nuts. How long was the, you watched every single speech? No, I, I scrubbed through.

I just clicked 15 seconds ahead. He's just clicking ahead. It's like on YouTube, you're looking for the parts with like high engagement. Where's the bangers? Do you have show notes on this? Yeah, no, I scrubbed through it.

You can tell exactly how long you watched it because you tell exactly where you came. Just hitting me off the live stream. Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to make you laugh. No, I did it. She was cute and great. It was really sad, though.

Do you know how she did it? No. No. Well, couldn't find that much out. Yeah. They don't disclose that, I don't think. The family doesn't. No, they try not to.

I mean, the way this guy was talking, he might have just thrown that in. Yeah. He was so, like, almost like a weight was off his shoulders about it. Really? Where I was like, oh, maybe this has been a thing. A lot of families do think that. We just had this conversation off air about the comic who killed himself. Yeah.

Someone that was bipolar schizophrenic. I think that's a little bit of what it was because after like a month of like being hot and heavy, like from the jump, she turned on a dime. She was like, you don't want anything to do with me. Trust me. You just don't want to be a part of my life. And I was just like, I've been enough. I'm 43 now. I've learned to believe girls when they say that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. All right. Thanks. I mean, I hope everything's like okay and good with you. But like thanks for telling me. You know, like if you change your mind, I thought it was fun like hanging out with you but thanks for telling me if you change your mind I thought it was fun hanging out with you and stuff like that

but then you go back when you find out something like that and you're like fuck maybe it could have been a murder suicide Jesus I would have been a legend if I had to guess I'd say someone was raped and murdered Chris if you do SVU once,

you start to ask some questions. The fact that you call a cemetery a park is so funny. I'll never not call a cemetery a park. I'm like,

what park is my mom getting buried in? We can go for a jog. We can go for a jog in a park. It is a park. It's a park. Dude,

there's nothing sadder. We were in Cincinnati and there was was just a cemetery on a highway, and just this little tiny little lot. They're all half of it. I don't know any others that aren't. Oh, yeah. It's nuts. At least cover it with a fucking, you know, put a little shrub.

What are you going to cover it with? The trees. Walls, I guess. Trees on the outside. Trees are nice. Trees take up land, though. Yeah, you can put a mural. But this was next to like a Sunoco.

It was like between Cincinnati and Indianapolis. Yes. It was like a thing. It's just like come from the Chili, stay for the cemetery. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got a beautiful park down there. Cincinnati.

Cincy. Cincy was great, dude. If you have flowers on you, you get half of wings. We got dates to promote real quick. Oh, yeah. Beautiful. Buffalo, this Thursday, 3-23. We're at Helium.

March 23rd. Helium, Buffalo. And then we go to Toronto, the 24th and 25th. Royal Comedy Theater. The Royal Comedy Theater. Friday, Saturday. The tickets are in the link at stuffislandpod.com. Yeah, you got any dates coming up?

I do. I'm trying to scramble to go to my website. AndyFiore.com. I have Columbus Funny Bone coming up. A couple independent brewery shows. Yeah, just go to AndyFiori.com and follow me on the social. Watch my special, Check Right. Yes.

Andy Fiori. What is it again? Check Right. The thing my pops used to say when we were driving. Check Right. Yeah, like when you were sitting shotgun. I had an old dad. My dad was 96 when he passed away, but he had me at 55.

Whoa, that's what I'm going to try to do. Yeah, yeah. So by the time I was like 13, you know, he was already like whatever, fucking almost 70. That's the best way to do it. Watch my six. Oh, seriously. World War II veteran. We'd come up, I swear to God,

we'd come up to an intersection, he'd look left, he'd go check right, without even fucking looking. He would go on your say so 100 percent of the time is that like trench warfare type shit maybe i did laziness he probably said a crick in his neck yeah he had like i think his right eye wasn't great yeah yeah but i mean like when i was a little kid you had to like learn to not mumble oh yeah like no and go like you can't say words that sound similar you know like, there's a fucking guy,

the guy that runs the Italian market around the corner. I'm not going to say the name, but he's got an eye that's so lazy he collects unemployment. It's like,

it is looking like a fucking chameleon. And I can't take him seriously. He's like, go and try this new cheese. I got it. Yeah, it just came in from Sicily.

You want to try cheese? And his one eye's over here. I'm like, I always look down. I'm like, yeah, I'll try the cheese. And I try and do like a just came in from Sicily. You want to try a cheese? And there's one eye over here. I'm like, I always look down. I'm like, yeah, I'll try a cheese. And I try and do like a weird hand off. And I just get like baloney down my side fingers. It goes by. It arcs four feet up.

It is so crazy. What are they seeing when their eyes do that? Dude, there's a guy I used to work with. Does your brain just shut off that one? I don't think so. Until it comes back online. I don't think you just pull the blinds, dude. I think your brain does.

Which we forgot to do. I don't think it matters. There's a guy I used to work with. He would be talking, looking at you. He'd be like, I'm talking directly to Tommy right now. And he's like, this is his. Oh, my God. Yeah, I'd be like.

His peripheral would be over there? Where are you going? It was fucking tough. Where were we recently? Someone reached across the bar and was yelling at someone. And their was like looking at tommy and i and we were like what's up yeah oh no yeah kick by a mule eyes went cross dude it was great watch my left watch my left ah wait you went to villanova right yeah yeah Yeah. Yeah. We're Drexel boys. All right. Yeah. The girls play tonight in the second round.

The Drexel? No, the Villanova chicks. We already watched some lady basketball. I've had enough for fucking a decade. When did Jay Wright retire? This last season. That guy. Went to the final four and then like shocked. I was fucking blown away because he's 60.

He's got plenty. Yeah, but dude. He looks great. Are you kidding me? He's a maid? Did you watch him all weekend? He's a maid for the TV. You got a little Jay Wright in you over there. Thank's got plenty. Yeah, but dude. He looks great. Let me tell you something. Are you kidding me? He's a made for, did you watch him all weekend? He's made for the TV. Yes.

That's probably why. You got a little Jay Wright in you over there. Thank you so much. You do. He is smart, number one. It's like knowing the when to retire because he's probably,

he probably actually loves his wife. I can't imagine, being a collegiate head coach at any sport is, it's a full-time job outside of like maybe one or two months recruiting dude all year round like fucking turnover and it's every two years yes it's stressful and the life the life at home with your wife and now it's like with the fucking portal and nil i'm like i think he just got out yeah he's like i don't want to fucking deal with this

bullshit anymore i've got two national championships the contract he has with the announced announcing games it's probably still is you the contract he has with the announcing games. It's amazing. It's probably. He still is in like an advisory role with the school too. Yeah. Like he'll always be a figure.

That's probably just a thank you for. Totally. Yeah. But I mean, so you're good. You got some cash rolling in. Yeah. You can do whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, it's like I'll come in, I'll help recruit like the five stars. Yeah. Yeah. The big guys,

I'll come in, I'll put a good word in. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm not going state to state trying to get a whole team together. How are they this year? Not great. No?

We lost to Liberty in the first round of the NIT. Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. That's a big drop. You expect a little transition with a new coach, but like we went to the Final Four last year. That's crazy.

And returned like three of those guys. So it's like shouldn't have been that much of a drop off. You got the Final Four. You should be winning your tournament the next year. That's what I mean. I mean, there's such a difference in that. It wasn't great. For most of them. It was such a bummer watching without us in the tournament this year. I was like, I still love it. It's still my favorite

thing ever, but still I was just like, damn. Dude, that year they won was like when the Eagles won. Yeah, man. It was so exciting to watch. Two of them, the first one, because the last second shot against UNC in 2016. I i mean that's maybe the greatest sports memory life and like i've seen all my sports yeah that's a philly philly yeah it's really special yeah was for you guys region in that tournament too why do i feel like

it might have been was the wells fargo center i think it might have been one of the region i feel i feel like there were games that game wasn't in no that game wasn't in philly no that game wasn't but i feel like there were games on the way i don't know i remember i remember the Wells Fargo. But that game wasn't in. No, that game wasn't in Philly. No, that game wasn't. That was Houston, I believe. But I feel like there were games on the way. I don't know. I remember the Wells Fargo like selling out a couple times for those games.

I think you're right. For some reason. Maybe they were just playing there. It was the FU Center when I was there. Me too. My brother got hit in the face with a puck

and we got arrested at the Garth Brooks concert. Yeah. The only two times I ever was at the FU Center. Is the Spectrum still around? Huh? Is the Spectrum?

No, they blew it up. What a fucking... Spectrum's gone. That was the best. a bloody eye. Is the spectrum still on? The spectrum's gone. That was the best. Oh, dude. They blew it up in like 06 or something. The vet was the best. Yeah. I played football and baseball in the vet.

Nice. And I also watched a lot of grown men hang their dicks into a trough. Yeah. While my dad waited for me outside the bathroom. Yeah. Isn't that nuts? He'd be like, go piss. Here we get the J.

And I would just be next to Just my head, dick high. Ice in the trough? Ice in the trough. Yeah. God damn. You're 43, yeah? Yeah, vote me 44 soon. Yeah, me too.

June 5th. November. All right, well, we'll always have cornhole. Yeah, we will. What does the ice do? Just neutralizes the smell? And the bacteria, yeah. And it's fun to melt.

It is so fun. Yeah. I like those urinals where you just put a little sticker of a fly It just neutralizes the smell. And the bacteria, yeah. And it's just fun to melt. It is so fun. Yeah. I like those urinals where you just put like a little sticker of a fly because they have to tell these fucking mongoloids where to aim and hit. So it'll spray everywhere. So like hit here, you fucking idiot. Aim here.

I got to ring it. I got to like in a urinal, I got to ring it around. I can't hit the urinal straight on. It'll just all come back at me. Oh my God. You got the wonky eye of piss dreams? No, no. It's just there's too much, like, the velocity is too low.

Also, when you stand next to a urinal, it's like right here. It's right at my chin. Dude, I want to be successful enough to put a urinal next to my bed. How do you not see more urinals in homes? I don't know. I disagree. I hate the urinal. I got a buddy.

What? I hate the urinal. Really? Yeah, I feel like urinal is designed by women. You start cleaning this fucking toilet, you'll learn what's good about a urinal. There's more splatter in a urinal. There is not. A hundred percent.

Absolutely not. A hundred percent. Well, you're not pissing, right? I got to put a fly on the fucking toilet for you no there's I'm telling you I've hit every target

there's no I have to ring it around I have to like shape it in some of them are really well designed and shaped well you ever been to like an old school Philly bar

that's like 100 years old and they have this still the fucking the bar and the original marble and they have these urinals that are no joke this wide

and it's just a giant built into the walls too and they just come down right to the floor and curve up marble. And they have these urinals that are no joke this wide. And it's just a giant. Built into the walls too. They just come down right to the floor and curve up. Yes, dude. And they're this long. That's great. McManus is like that. Yes.

What's the other one? Fergie's. Fergie's Pub. Yeah, McSorley's. Head to toe fucking room. Dude, you ever go to McSorley's on 7th Street? Of course. It is literally time traveling.

Of course. You walk in there, it's the fucking 1800s. It's the smell. It's the wood. The sawdust. You still got to go down the alley where everybody pisses and shit. But no peanuts anymore.

Oh, these fucking kids and their allergies. I loved it like fucking New Deck Tavern in Philly would have just a big peanut thing. You open up, you just grab a tray, free peanuts, throw them in. Peanuts and fucking yingling, dude. Fucking awesome.

I know. Crack them, throw them on the floor.uts and fucking yingling, dude. Fucking weird. Fucking awesome. I know. You go to these bars. Crack them and throw them on the floor. I still do it at a ballgame. I'm still getting peanuts at a ballgame. Peanuts at a ballgame. That I get. You go to a fucking bar to get laid. You don't go there to chew on peanuts. They're looking at you like a little fucking monkey. You know what, though?

That's usually the bar you're starting out at, though. You go there with your boys. You get there. Postgame. Fucking sit down. Have a're starting out at, though. You go there with your boys. You get there. Post game. Fucking sit down. Have a few nuts. Yeah, nuts. It's fantastic. Trying to get my nuts cracked by some fat girl named Megan.

Are you sticking off of the page? I can't. I got a fucking key situation. A fucking lie. Huh? Lie. You say yes. No, no, not you.

Forget it. You're missing the the point I meant lie to the listeners andyfury.com it's like you're like the dad at the funeral have you never done this before I got a penis