Stuff Island - Stuff Island #75 - every day is ramadan w/ Sam Tallent

Episode Date: April 6, 2023

- Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch.. Each week they'll talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish & twice a month they live stream VR Golf and Onward with fans. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

welcome hey look at us yeah look at us back at it the last time you were here we drank 17 bottles of wine in the backyard you got that tater tot pizza that upset me oh my god that's right dude how could that upset you that was like wonderful pizza i mean i ate a slice and it was like okay but when it arrived i was was like, fucking hell. Dude, the combo. The combos. It's definitely not choose your own, right? Well, I was scrolling through and I saw it and I said, that looks good.

That looks good. You were like, finally, a taste of old Napoli. Right here in Queens. Yeah, fucked by Cleveland somehow. Well, everyone was so excited because the chris comes out in the boxes or i know half his height and i'm like this is gonna feed everybody yeah flip the lid yeah and then we turn he did a nice thing for everybody and we were like what the fuck i would never eat this well i don't know my mode if i'm ordering drunk pizza is like get as much on the pizza as possible

as possible so that you know everyone will be full yeah who knows fortify who knew fortified wine would change your taste buds and kill everything yeah I mean we drank all that wine and then I switched it over to like Guinness and rum it's just the wheels fell off like we were having a nice time we did that cooking video and and then just in the backyard being like, you know who else sucks? We did do the alphabet of shit talk, dude. It really bonded us. Also, I just unlocked the cheat code.

This is unbelievable. I'm jealous. This is nice. Take the day off. I feel like I'm an individual chair. Holy fuck. Oh, man. Or take the day off. I feel like I'm an individual channelist sitting on a Smashburger. Holy fuck.

Oh, man. Yeah, it's nice to be back here. Walking into the greater Philadelphia podcast mind. Yeah, this is your second trip. Did you just did Gardini's? I just came from Gardini's, yeah. What's his pad look like? It's impeccable.

Yeah? There's a guy, Shane, who does stand up, who lives there. Nice. Shane O'Connor. He's very well put together, and it's nice. It's kindccable. Yeah. There's a guy, Shane, who does stand up, who lives there. Nice. Shane O'Connor. He's very well put together. And it's nice. It's kind of Spartan. Not a lot of like, there's no aesthetic to that place. Yeah.

You know? There's nothing on the walls. Right. It's still clean. Doesn't reek like cigs. I thought it was going to fucking reek in there. And he'd smoke outside? Yeah.

Yeah. He goes out on the, I think he walks through Shane's room and goes and stands out on like a patio. Yes, he does. On a catwalk. He was like, I just wish we could smoke inside. I was like, no, you don't. You little dipshit.

When I was 25, we smoked inside all the time. That was our thing. And it sucked and no one got laid. Yes. Exactly. It's disgusting. We smoked some cigars in here. And that only lasts for like a day. Yeah.

It didn't really stick around, right? No, no. Those ones didn't seem to. The small boys were. Yeah. They were nice. I might do it again tonight. Why not?

Yeah. Do a cigar tonight? Yeah. We're going to fire up the patio. I'm going to get that all done up. Nice. Yes. This is every spring.

Yeah. This is every spring. Something nice. Dude, we're going to get that patio rooping this summer. We're going to put an olive vine and a grape. Making our own wine. As soon as the grass starts growing,

I'm like, fuck that place. It's too much to do. We barbecued a shitload last year. We have three barbecues on film. And that's... Ten, ten, ten 10 12 barbecues Jesus Christ we shot stuff

we cooked out there but we didn't really spend other than hanging we hung out with you we gotta get new new furniture that's why it's not

it's not like this we need patio furniture some leather some opulent leather yeah we need some leather but it's also just like

you just cook back there kind of well it's got a dirty vibe to it you have an outdoor oven? What do you got? No, we just have the big. That was a plan we had last year. You guys got the fucking LaCroissettes put in the stone brick oven back there.

I thought about building an oven. Yeah. I looked it up. It's not that hard. It's not that tough. Mm-mm. It's got to just be a couple of cinder blocks, right? You can do it with cinder blocks.

No, I mean like making a. There's people in Haiti roasting whole pigs. You guys can fucking figure it out. I was talking about a proper pizza oven, too. You can make a... The one with the dome? Yeah. You need to know how to do masonry when you do the dome, though.

I watched this dude's tutorial and I was like, I think we can pull it off. He gets all autistic. I watched a lot of dude's tutorials and been like, tomorrow morning, it's happening. You wake up with a bottle cap on your belly button. You're like, fuck that, dude. You order a tater tot pizza. You're like, tomorrow morning, it's happening. You wake up with a bottle cap in your belly button. You're like, fuck that, dude. You order a tater tot pizza. You're like, this is easy. It would be a nice little project.

You wake up with a slur written on your forehead and also the Sharpie in your hand. What? What happened? It's backwards until you look in the mirror. Yeah. Fag. Whoa.

Dude, I'm considering. The problem is you got to break it down. I'm afraid the landlord would say some shit because we do have half cement, half grass. We got a nice platform to do whatever we wish. Yeah. But then, you know. Well, they wouldn't be upset

if you build a pizza oven back there. They'd be thrilled. I'd be upset if I had to leave. I'd be like an aggressive fucking Dego. Like, you know how like you watch those nature shows and they have to break their encampment down? Sledgehammer in my pizza oven

so nobody gets to use it. I'm killing my baby! You just have our neighbor drive into it. Oh my god, dude. Sam, we told this story on the last episode, but it was the Patreon. So this brick wall is brand new with the fence over it, and this lady uh this old

like she might be 85 eastern european woman and she had this little like miata size car yeah and there's only like 20 feet one day one night i get awoken by this car smashed to our brick brick wall with the wheels going and it's the bricks are all over the the backyard i mean completely obliterated the fucking wall took out like 50 year old rose bushes the italians were very upset oh yeah she didn't apologize she didn't bring over any danish or anything like that like you brought a bag of bagels you never fucked up our wall no not yet so i have not used the toilet today gentlemen what is what is the gift that you bring if you've destroyed someone's wall?

That would be a panic attack. A pecan pie. A salad of bricks. And a couple of your nephews. A new fence. And last night, or the last week, we're getting done. It wasn't even last week. It was like five days ago? Or was it last week?

Yeah, it was last week. After the first episode, Chris and I are just like fucking around. Yeah. And checking our phones. All I hear is. Oh, no. And I was like, what the fuck was that? And he goes, maybe she ran into the wall again.

We had a nice chuckle. Yeah. I opened the door. She fucking did it again. But to that way. No. She runs a brand new C300 Mercedes. How does she do that? There's not enough room to get

that speed. There's no ramming speed in an alleyway. Dude, all the liquids are flowing out of the car. It's smoking. She's on the hood of the car just going... Not again. They gave me another shot. Oh, Travis. The woman took a brand new C300.

They gave me another shot. As if there was like a like a probationary period and they're like alright Marcella you put in the time she immediately put in the time freelance dude you can see the discipline.

She was rolling her head on the back, and it wasn't like I'm hurt. She was so, I guess, dreading calling her son and being like, you got to come see this. She literally wilted over the hood. Oh, man. This time it wasn't a shitty car. It was a brand-new Mercedes, and I remember them showing her the Mercedes. And I was like, there's no way they're gifting her this nice car.

And I just assumed maybe they just parked it there and she was like, oh, this is really nice. And then maybe she just broke out, found the keys, you know? Yeah, she had like an advent calendar. 30 days to the last day there was keys in there. Oh, just pieces of shit. Have you ever talked to this woman? No, she doesn't ever. I mean, I see her walk out

every now and then, but she doesn't make it. She's a hard time getting out of the house. Every time she does, calamity strikes. It's like the serial killer chains where they can only move a little bit. She's real, though. You've seen her? She's definitely real. I see her once a week.

Yeah. And I never, never, ever. I mean, she probably doesn't know it's us that live here. Yeah. Because there's so many people going in and out. So she's never been like, hey, I'm sorry about the whole wall and rosebush thing. Yeah. The rosebush thing.

How many generations of people have tended those roses? I'm telling you, dude. He would, every summer, at the end of the summer, he would clip, I'd say upwards, on each bush, like 40 roses. Beautiful. Yeah. And he would, I don't know what he would do. He'd probably sell them to like a local fucking. Put them on his wife's grave.

She's alive. He died. He died. Ooh. But. Joke's on him. Yeah. He's cheap as fuck.

So I could see him selling him, selling those roses somewhere. He was unbearably cheap. What do you make for 40 roses? Like $12? Dude, I don't know. These were perfect roses. Yeah, how much do roses cost? Organically grown.

You know, these aren't foreign roses. And a big, like, fat, like baby face. Yes, real big ones. Yeah, those go for a nice pretty penny. See? It's got to be at least. My grandfather kept roses. Really?

Yeah, and he would always always win the Elbert County parade of homes he would win it? yeah because he had the best roses in Colorado I mean he was competing against trailers and a place we called the crab shack it wasn't a bunch of it wasn't stiff competition?

a rose growing competition it was the parade of homes you didn't have the parade of homes? no A stiff competition? A rose-growing competition. It was the Parade of Homes, you know, where they, like, you come in, like. You didn't have the Parade of Homes? No. Yeah, so, like, people in typically tonier neighborhoods would show off, like, what they've done with their verandas and, like, how cool their topiaries are. Tonier. Yeah, yeah. I like that.

Like Greeks and Italians. Yeah, well, no. I didn't say swarthy. I thought you meant, like, there's more Tonys. Like guys named Tony? No. Like an Anthony or neighborhood No I meant like reserved opulence

Like people who are trying to hide their wealth But yet they're like No not men named Anthony Not a bunch of guys in guinea slings Because look I'm in a Tony or neighborhood right now There's a Subaru Brat in the garage That's what I describe a story It's like a Tony or neighborhood

It is applicable yeah a hundred percent homophones yeah and homophobes yes i got no phobes no tony's do though tony's absolutely they live in fear getting their dick sucked accidentally i can't go to the bfw yeah dude i was talking to naeem ali the other day and he was saying he's like dude i don't need hot dogs i don't need popsicle like he eats nothing dick shaped that is so ridiculous what about an ice cream cone will you lick a cone nope who is this naeem naeem yeah yeah it's that means he's sucking dick dude i was anyone that's yelling from the rooftop it's like priests do that shit they're blowing some dude in the fucking roy Rogers truck stop. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. And I was like, that's crazy, dude. To live a life like that. That's ridiculous. And then his ex-wife or whatever was like, you don't eat hot dogs in public. I was like, this is what's shaping you?

It's kind of black culture. Remember that whole Twitter and Instagram they catch their buddy eating a hot dog and they all go glitzy whatever the fuck and they post it online and everyone just calls him gay yep that's nuts just enjoying a hot dog at a football game yeah you gotta eat a hot dog in the bathroom with the mirrors on the ground with the lights off something happened to you i don't know your buddy But he's running Eating it lengthwise Yeah Cooking ear corn Yeah

I love a nice hot dog Yeah I was in Providence They took me to some place Called New York System I pounded like six hot dogs Yeah It was great

You find a good one Today is hot dog day It's a kickoff of baseball It is It's official Dick in the mouth day It is a dick in the mouth day We should have hot dogs tonight.

I'd do it. I'll make some hot dogs. I'd have a hot dog right now. Does Philadelphia do a regional hot dog? As what? You say I'm gay? I said, I'm not gay. I'll have a hot dog right now.

I'll fucking do it. What a revelation that would have been to just whisper into the mic, I'll have a hot dog. I'm gay. Whoa. I don't think we have a regional hot dog. Have we? I mean like the way they dress it or like a topping. Oh, no.

It's very standard. Practice relish if you're fucking nuts. Onions. Relish is great. I love relish. I love green relish. Really? Electric green relish? Yeah. Really? It's too sweet. That's why you. I love green relish. Really? Electric green relish? Yeah. Really? It's too sweet. It's like-

Yeah. That's why you got to have the celery salt to balance it off. Oh, wow. This is a Chicago type shit. They do that there. They also did it in Providence. They had like a hot dog with a bunch of celery salt on it. Celery salt?

Mm-hmm. Because it's kind of like a bitter, savory flavor that cancels out that green. Yeah. Okay. That's popular in barbecue. Yeah. Celery salt. What do they just dehydrate celery and put salt in there? I don't know. That's popular in barbecue. Yeah. What do they just dehydrate celery and put salt

in there? I don't know. That's the seeds, I believe. Probably the seeds are like the leaves on the celery. And they salt the seeds? Yeah, I don't know. But it's really good. I've never seen the seeds of celery. They're in there. In the celery? Yeah, that's how they give birth a second time. That's how they have sex with each other.

Yep. We got to the bottom of the egg again yeah we did it oh that's just that sorry my brain's all in skyrim dude i started playing skyrim which i knew nothing about yeah and uh you gotta explain what skyrim is it's a video game you know what skyrim is i know it as a as a series of words yeah it's it's like a video game it's like a role-playing game and it's just a whole i don't know it's like a game of thronesy kind of world yeah and uh yeah i just i have no idea what's going on i'm just wandering around talking to people i like everyone's saying shit that's like i just don't understand you know what i mean it's all there's like, I just don't understand. You know what I mean? It's all, there's like a thimble of the thorax tree

that we need to restore for the magic to grow. You have to find the governor's cape. Yeah, yeah, it is that kind of stuff. And they don't help you at all. Like, I always get tasks and I don't know where to go. Just before we sat down, they were like, go to magic college. And I was like, done, dude.

Finally, somebody's telling me what the fuck's going on. And so I ran for like two hours to magic school. They'll give you a horse. I tried to steal a horse. Oh, yeah. I bet you did. You come from a long line of those. Fucking horse thieves.

Yeah, dude. I stole a horse, and this guard came up to me me and was like, you can't steal a horse. And their options were like fight him, just go to jail, or like pay him off. And I paid him off and then I just took him to jail. I can't believe you're still telling this story. What do you mean? He hasn't even got the magical. Sorry, sorry, it's not celery salt.

Yeah, it's not, hey, I'm sitting different, everybody. Well, clearly this has changed my life. I'm on an adventure in a fucking, in a hellhole. I'm fucking, now I'm just wandering around like, well, what happened was I got to college and the lady was like, you need to cast this spell in order to get in. And I didn't have enough magic power to do it. Damn. We've all been there.

Now I'm just going around lighting wolves on fire with the one magical spell I can do, trying to level up. Okay, this is paying off. So I can go to magic college and figure out just who to be in this world. I love how they put a college in there. They didn't want to create more characters. That'd be interesting mentors. They're like, just put them in a fucking college.

You know those fucking clown colleges? You gotta learn spells. It's magic school. It's just Harry Potter and all the gang that's in there and the fucking tarp gang banging. Yeah. You're all grown up now, aren't you? Yeah.

Yeah. Where'd you go to college? I went to Metro state university of denver metro i graduated in may of last year really metropolitan state oh that's right i saw that photo yeah congratulations thanks man yeah i went back got my last eight credits that's all you were sitting on was eight credits bro i dropped that with 112 credits as soon as i could pay my rent through comedy i was like 22 and i was like i'm out of here mom and then like next month i had zero money again oh my god i made it literally once it was like 300 was I was like, I'm out of here, mom. And then like next month I had zero money again.

Oh my God. I made it literally once. It was like $300 was my rent at that time. I was living in like a giant punk house and I was like, I got a cat by the tail. And then next month I was like, fuck, what have I done? Wait, so eight credits is what's one, that's less than a semester, right? Less than three classes. Yeah. Holy shit.

I tested out on one online, which was like English 1 or something. It's like, what's a comma? What's an apostrophe? Like that kind of shit. And then I took like a five-credit Spanish intensive online, which was cool because I wanted to learn Spanish anyway. Yeah. Yeah.

And now I'm an official Roadrunner alumni. Hell yeah, dude. They're the Roadrunners. Yeah, because if you go to Metro, you're probably running away from something. How are you doing? How are you doing? It's the largest commuter campus on that side of the Mississippi. And University of Colorado is there, as is Community College of Denver.

And it was just like the worst. It was no dorms, no college atmosphere. It was just for like 44-year-old widowers. Yeah. And they would be in class with me. Yeah. And we're all like learning you know, learning about, I was a rhetoric and public address major.

It was just like, so Hitler wasn't that great, but boy, could he talk. Stalin, Lenin, like idolizing these monsters. I guess Hitler was pretty good, huh? No one worked a crowd like Hitler. Dude, come on. Crushed. I know, but it's so, it's so, it's hard to,

it's hard to wrap your mind around, you know what I mean? Because it's just like. You just separate the art from the artist, Chris. Well, no, I think it's just, it's so, it's hard to, it's hard to wrap your mind around. You know what I mean? Cause it's just like. You just separate the art from the artist, Chris. Well, I think it's just one of those things where you, I like, you kind of had to be in that moment to really appreciate like what he was doing was innovative. You know, cause now it feels like hacky and like over the top. Right.

You know what I mean? When I watch Hitler, I'm like, who's following this guy? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's too aggressive. You know what I mean? When I watch Hitler, I'm like, dude, who's following this guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too aggressive. Do they teach the Hitler method? No, yeah. Like the way he was talking and his intonations and stuff.

Yeah. They can't, right? But do they? Well, like you had like. Mussolini. You looked at it through the lens of Orwellian logic and rhetoric and Burke's pen tad and all this bullshit that I forgot all about. And like, yeah, he like checked like four of the five boxes on like Burke's perfect pen tad of oratory excellence or whatever. Like he was very good in front of the room.

I mean, he fucking mobilized a genocide. Yeah. You got to be able, you know, he's not just doing crowd work up there. And then one of the best closers ever they say the holocaust that's quite the act out i heard he would he would like he would stand up there like he'd get up there and he'd like he'd just take a time a lot of time to start he did like a mark twain he kind of thing yeah he let everyone get completely silent yeah he was the first to hump the stool? I am That footage would be amazing Hitler humping the stool

A bunch of Germans I'm afraid Just marching off to war Gardini stole half my Lucys Oh he did? Good Nah I gave him half Little boy likes them He likes that peppermint snap in his fucking mouth, I guess.

Yeah. Did he take any of the gum? Yeah. I gave him half the bulk load. Lucy. I don't think they're sharing upstairs as much. Lucy Caboosey. Take care of the little baby boy.

Yeah. Lucy Breakers is the adult version of finding a toy in your cereal box. It's actually a brilliant idea if you just, like adult toys. Yeah. Like for a push to get more women to your brand, you just hide dildos in cereal boxes. All of a sudden, it's just chicks are doing Lucy on the streets. It's the nicotine pouch with a surprise inside.

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My brother used to smoke those cigarettes where you could camel crush. Yeah. And they had the same idea. You just snap this menthol thing if you wanted to be an urban smoker. I hated camel crushes. They're for dirt balls. Yeah. Not Lucy's, though.

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Yeah. I think the espresso one is a brilliant idea. It gave me a bolt in the morning because I miss smoking a cigarette and having a coffee in the backyard. I know. I know. Cursing at the birdsing at the birds summer morning there's dew on the grass

you're hot it's sticky for some reason i like a hot cigarette when it's hot out yeah i like to run when it's like 85 and humid yes dude when you just immediately start sweating yes because it usually takes you 45 minutes to fucking sweat. Yeah. Now you can do it with a little espresso in your mouth. That's true. You can go on a hot run with espresso gum. You can throw up last night's whiskey all over a fucking food truck.

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No, no, just, yeah. Just riding a fucking nicotine wave all day. It's an indoor, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's an indoor option. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. Indoor, outdoor, yeah. He seems like an indoor smoker.

I'm surprised he's not. I think he is, you know, if he can. Like when there's no guests over? If there's no rules, yeah, yeah. I think he wants to smoke inside, but he can't when when there's no guests there's no rules yeah yeah i think he wants to snake inside but he can't so sometimes he rocks the i don't know if that's we're legally allowed to say that but whatever uh all right guys let's take a moment to thank my favorite sponsor of all the sponsors sheath underwear sheath makes the most comfortable boxer briefs briefs i've ever

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piece of chicken. I'm starting to get a little tingle. You're gonna have to dump? I can't tell if I'm giving myself a panic attack about eating raw chicken. You'll be fine. Or there's a chance I'm gonna fucking throw up out my ass. Raw chicken's fine. We've all been there. Yeah. How long ago did you eat it?

An hour. Oh yeah, it won't affect you yet. It's like two, right? No, it's like six to eight hours. Everyone thinks that they just ate something and it made them sick, when in reality, food poisoning takes like a lot longer than an hour or two hours. Good. I'll beat your show tonight. Cool, yeah.

Come on down. Yeah. How's the Union Hall's bathroom? Bro, I've never been there. This is my first headlining shows ever in New York. That's great. I wish this was, this is a prerecord, so. Well, it's all good.

The first one sold out immediately and they were like, do you want to add another one? I was like, of course. I'm bulletproof. And now there's like 60 of 100 tickets sold. I'm like, fuck. That's still good. It's a nice venue for that. I'm stoked, man.

Dude, that room is fucking great. Sick. Yes, that room is very, very good. What time's your show? Can we swing by? Yeah, 7.30, 9.30. Nice. Awesome.

Yeah, come on down. I'd love to see y'all. Yeah. I'll go to the later one. It'll be like that Santa Barbara show we did. Dude. What happened? Have you talked about that yet?

No. Brother, that's been making me giggle so much. We did that Don't Tell. I have a Don't Tell. Everyone go watch it on YouTube. Yeah, check that out. Chris was there. It was like me, you, Joey Avery.

Oh, it's the one that just happened, right? You guys just went? Yeah. In Santa Barbara. And Chris is such a unique specimen. Say less. Bro. Say less.

What are you doing? This guy Brad, right? And like all day you just like walked along the beach and you're like, it's beautiful here. I could live here. Yeah, yeah. You're just, like, eyes open. Like, he was in Paris.

And this guy, Brad, is, like, telling us before the show. He's like, it's going to go great. We got the best camera crew. These are the best crowds. Nothing you need is not going to be there. You're all going to kill. We're going to put it online. It's going to go great.

And he's just, like, telling us how great it's gonna go. And then Chris is like, can you just shut the fuck up? Like in front of him and all of the comedians. Is this the guy running the show? Yeah, well dude, I was like first of all, I thought I was going to like LA

to do shows, alright? So I'm already like, I don't know. This is going to suck. Chip on your shoulder. I had the same beef. Were you drunk on the plane on the way there? No, no.

And then like, uh, and then we get, then we're, it turns out we're going to Santa Barbara. I didn't, didn't even look up Santa Barbara, like on a map.

I had no idea where it was. And then Santa Barbara is like the fucking nicest place I've ever seen. So much of California. Like I've never, I haven't spent that much time in California nicest place I've ever seen so much of California I haven't spent that much time in California every time I see a new part of California I'm like I can't believe this is the same country this is like it's fucking epic out here it's crazy

it's like Santa Fe on the beach it's also the most expensive place outside of San Francisco right it's like impossible to dude it's like a beautiful town cut into like a mountainside and then off on like off the water there's like literally like jurassic park there's like these islands that look like fucking incredible just like mountains coming out of the sea yeah and i'm like dude i can't do stand up here I can't do stand-up here. I don't make sense here. This is all wrong.

And then this guy is doing a pre-show meeting, and he's like, if you fuck up a line, we can re-record it. I'm like, stop saying shit. It's like the best way to get in someone's head. It's like, if you trip while you're going up on stage, it's like, now I'm going to be thinking about every step on the fucking way up. I was just going to go up there and do my thing. Now I'm thinking about all the ways I'm going to fuck this up and they'll fix it for me on the back end. And it's just like I was just like, what did he say?

Shut the fuck up. He was just going through all the ways you could fuck up and they'll still be able to fix it. How did he respond to that? I don't even remember. He laughed it off, and I was like, classic Chris. Right, everybody? It was, yeah.

How'd the show go? Awesome. He fucking crushed. He was right. He was totally right. I fucked up a line in the beginning, and then I spent the whole rest of the time just thinking about it.

He's going to ask me to re-record that? I'm re-recording anything. No, yeah. Do they give you the option to put it out or does he put it out for you? They give you an option to do any edits you want to it. You know, they couldn't be more like friendly to the artist or whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

They are great. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I was stoked to do it. You were just. It was like such a perfect, beautiful setting. You're like, I can't exist in this. The devil's not allowed in heaven. Dude.

It's a hell of a rude awakening. You see Chris sometimes, he's just in the morning, just. I caught him on the edge of his bed, facing the kitchen, like the opening. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. Staring at nothing. I was like i should i ask now do you want me to head out i'll come back i'll give you some time he's like just yeah sometimes

yeah sometimes you just think about all the all the future conversations you're not going to be able to handle yeah you know what i mean that is i've never thought that no just a whole lifetime of stressful social interactions you're not gonna be able to deal with man

and it's just like good fucking Christ cause I wanna help him sometimes and I'm like what's wrong and he's like everything and I'm like

dude this is the best we've done this is we're clear sailing here just like just all of it. Everything. We got to go on that deep sea fishing trip.

I was like, we can eat hot dogs every day for the rest of our lives. We only sold out three or four shows in Toronto last weekend. Yeah, right. I was up there fucking shaking keys at them. One of my shows had nine, and I was like, here we go. What's your birthday

we fucking did we say this in the last show did we talk about the toronto shows at all i don't know so we walked in it the first show is it's first show is at eight on thursday or friday at eight and ten thirty whatever we walk in it's 7 45 uh where He's addressing us to the green room, which is, it's. I never even saw the green room. It's a dilapidated bunker in Iraq. It's fucking hell. You wouldn't be able to walk through it. The ceilings were like here.

Chris was fucking mind. Chris was walking through a castle door. They stayed in Skyrim. Magic college. It was, it was clown college so as we're getting to the the top of the steps

you can see the showroom obviously from the bar and there's four people yeah two of them have canes yeah like old blue hairs

no and I was Chris is walking down first and he just goes he gave me this smirk like oh shit this is gonna be one of those birthday party type shows.

And I was like, finally, he's shooting the shit with the manager because he knew him. I didn't know the guy, so I'm just pacing like a lion. I'm trying to get this energy out. Oh, you didn't? Oh, okay. Well, you're acting like you guys were boys. And I was like, this is not good, right? This is not good.

I finally, like, I couldn't. My anxiety came out and I was like, this is a fucking mess and i thought he was pointing to the oh the ceiling the drop ceiling yeah and he finally was like no no no your tickets the guys are almost sold out and they'll show up and we went upstairs

sure enough like 15 minutes later and the place was fucking loaded but good lord but that was some scary fucking shit it was like four shows of this and this is the first one

yeah it would be hell it was a good show shout out Toronto shout out the comedy royal comedy theater couldn't be less royal I thought it was couldn't be less of out Toronto. Shout out the Royal Comedy Theater.

Couldn't be less royal. Couldn't be less of a theater. Yeah, I was expecting nothing but like half French-speaking people. Yeah, yeah. Some British-speaking. The Royal Comedy Theater. Barely two of those things go on in there. Yeah, true.

Yeah, we tried to bring the comedy of Canada. Canada is a strange place. We never learned about it. Did you guys ever learn about Canada? We were busy learning about indigenous tribes Yeah yeah We're just buried in Native American history Oh god True

Is it all like guilt? Like No it's like they didn't teach us Any of the cool stuff Or the honorable Like admirable aspects Of being like Out there

You know As an indigenous It was just like They like topaz and song Yeah They eat roots It's like dude Where's the scalp hunters You know out there, you know, as an indigenous, it was just like, they like topaz and song. Yeah. They eat roots. It's like, dude, where's the scalp hunters, you know? Where's the boys who brought hell to Custer?

There's a lot of shit that, like, a fifth grader would love to learn. Yes. You know? Yeah. And they're like, they would often make flutes out of willows. And you're like, shut up. And then we'd have to go to, like, the Native American History Museum? That's boring.

Yeah. You can only see so many bad drawings on a deer skin before you're like come on yeah dude there's not even any tits or anything most paintings most museums you'll see like a hooter you know yeah yeah you get some nude babes right but that is that is an annoying thing and they always try to do stuff where they're like the native americans didn't have no didn't have a word for lie you're like what yeah it's insulting right it's insulting condescending yeah yeah yeah it's like wait, they weren't capable of deception? Mm-hmm.

I got caught watching this video of, like, American soldiers talking to, like, a native chief about, like, land and why, who should be getting what. And it's, of course, from, like, this alt-right fucking Twitter follower. It's like, they should be teaching this in class and essentially it's the white soldier being like oh yeah were you the honorable men that that stole this land from your previous people he's basically accusing the native of killing a whole entire nation of other natives and that's why they're no different other than bringing gun powder and guns to the fucking yeah and this guy this guy's like, this fucking right-wing dude is beating off to this.

Like, I told you, we're the same. Yeah. There's gotta be no worse job on Earth right now than a high school history teacher or like a college, like, dude. Teacher in general, but yeah. History is fraught with peril right now. Yeah, it's every day.

God forbid you misgender second generation. Oh no. How much has slavery Skipped over from Even when we went to school Dude they do not skip it now I bet they pound it Dude we got pounded with it pretty hard Every other grade

It was all slavery I remember being kind of pissed off about it at the time. All the slavery shit? Yeah, yeah. I was kind of like, what? What's going on in Europe? Yeah, I don't think we've... I don't remember anything about the Greeks.

I didn't learn anything about... In American history class? Yeah. No, this was like general stuff, you know? This was still general history. Chapter three, the Mortonier. In the neighborhood of Greece. Yeah, man.

I don't know. I would not want to be a teacher to America's youth. Yeah. Yeah. There's a house two blocks down that has marble on the siding. The whole building's marble. Yeah. Is it a school?

No, it's a fucking, it's clearly a Greek's home. Oh, okay. They marbled the siding. Yeah. So it's a fucking it's a that's clearly a greek's home oh okay they marble deciding yeah so it's just a giant marble box could also be a muslim family it could be a mosque yeah oh yeah maybe they yeah i guess you can you can transition a residential house into a mosque right i think so all right i'll stop I'll put mooning it. Fuck, I'm bringing the heat. Uh-huh. Is this gaudy enough? I think we get it.

You guys know Ismail Lutfi? Yeah. He came to the show last night, and he made some joke about me being fat. And I was like, shouldn't you be eating a fig somewhere? Because it's Ramadan. Speaking of the fucking... It's always Ramadan, I feel like. It's always Ramadan.

It is. It is. Every time I buy a vape, the guy's like, can't have it eaten all day. It's Ramadan. It's like, wasn't it Ramadan two weeks ago? Every time I turn around, it's fucking Ramadan. That's one of the funniest things I've heard in a while. It's always Ramadan.

Are there multiple Ramadans? There's Eid. They have have parties they have holidays like we do it's like the jews during december it's like again with this you're trying to avoid christmas but another week i know but everyone's jolly during christmas we're not all starving ourselves yeah but dude when the sun goes down and they rip into that oh my god yeah i'd be i'd be eating seven course meal in a tub so i didn't have to get up to Yeah, but dude, when the sun goes down and they rip into that fucking prune pile. Holy Christmas. It's a party, dude. Oh, my God. Yeah.

I'd be eating seven-course meal on a tub so I didn't have to get up to shit. Yeah. I would just. Yeah, dude. Burn it up to burn it. Just run the water. It's like you're at seven. Yeah.

Fuck, dude. Yeah, because I was in Dearborn where my wife's from during Ramadan a couple times. Yeah. You just go to the park after dark, and everyone's handing you little oranges and pieces of food. It's awesome. An orange? Yeah, they go gather in the park, and they break fast as a community,

and it's beautiful and sick, and they just share with everyone. An orange is not a breaking fast. Well, they usually break with fruit. Well, you've got to slowly do it. Fruit? Don't you? Don't you have to initiate some sugar and water before you just start? It's like when you're lost at sea, you can't just start gorging.

Yeah, it's been like 18 hours or whatever. Oh, that's it? Oh, Jesus. I mean, in my understanding, I think it's from sundown to sunup. You can't eat when the sun's up. But that's for a long period of time. Yeah, I think it's like two weeks or something. Okay, yeah. Every day for two weeks, you get a fast. Brother, I don't know if we should be talking about this.

We're not the ones. He thinks it's Ramadan 365. True. We're safe, dude. He thought Ramadan was DLC for Skyrim. It's kind of a sick... Inshallah, my brothers. I love you.

Ramadan Mubarak. Ramadan Kareem. This is the white devil. No, I like it. I think that would be fun. If we had a thing where we all starved ourselves for two weeks. If we had any kind of belief system. Yeah.

We do. I mean, fucking Lent is 40 days of giving up jerking off. No, but nobody, that's like, nobody does that. Yeah. If you had to commit to not eating during the day, all of us, that'd be fun as fuck. For two weeks. It's not that long. 18 hours.

It's not that crazy. I know, but it's fun. It'd be, it's like, everyone weeks? It's not that long. 18 hours. It's not that crazy. I know, but it's fun. It'd be, it's like, everyone's cycling together. I'd do it. The first five years of comedy, I fasted for 18 hours, and then I'd eat dollar slice pizza and get fucked up with free drink tickets for like three years straight. Oh, for sure. That's all I did.

That's truly, when I tell people I fast, I'm up to like 16, 18 hours a day. Now it's because of not having money for the first five, six years of comedy. Your body just gets used to it. So just one meal a day. Yeah. And your first five, six years, that was vaudeville. It's a different time. You old bitch.

I didn't start until I was 29. Okay, so Vietnam was on. I didn't deserve any of this. I was 29. Okay, so Vietnam was on. I don't deserve any of this. I'm kidding. Also, my favorite fig story is... Put it a wild way. Just start a sentence. Well, this fucking giant... This is the only fig story.

It's the only one I got. It really is the only fig story I got. Outside of my Dego ant. But this big WAP, there's like a 6'5 WAP that is the cousin that does all the work around here for the other owner. And he's dumb as rocks. He's fucking, he's whatever. So he's got to fix these doors. And it's been six months since he promised to come measure the doors.

Before that, they redid the bathroom, and he had his guys sawing all of the marble and wood in the house without a drop, a drape, whatever the fuck it is. Drop cloth. Drop cloth. So this entire apartment was an inch of sawdust and marble dust. We're obviously livid. So Chris is like this fucking guy, and he's getting all nuts with me, obviously. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, this guy comes in, and he's huge. He's like, I'm here to do the apartments. It's getting all nuts with me, obviously. And then all of a sudden this guy comes in and he's huge.

He's like, I'm here to do the apartments. It's Snuffleupagus, dude. He's the man. He walks like, exactly. He walks like Snuffy. So he opens the back door. You hear the bell ring and he's got a duck under because he's eight feet tall. And he goes, what do you guys know?

Nobody's touching the fig tree yet. And I was like, what? He goes, the fig tree. nobody's touching the fig tree yet? And I was like, what? He goes, the fig tree, you haven't clipped it yet. And I'm like, it's not ours.

And he goes, give me it. He goes, whatever's hanging on our side of the fence is good. So look out, Chris,

it's Chris and the dudes like this. These are the heads and the big fucking, the big giraffe, the Italian giraffe is grabbing, ripping figs off, hanging on to Chris. Chris is like, the Italian giraffe is grabbing and ripping figs off. Hanging on the

Chris. Chris is like, they're bonking over a fig, dude. It was like a monkey and the elephant. It was so cute. When you reached up, I swear I saw just a trunk. It looked like when an elephant grabs a branch and just rips everything off.

Dude, it was exactly that. It was a Christmas card level of adorable. I couldn't get my phone in time because my phone was on the charger. I'd come back and they're already walking towards it. Just having him, a giant ape.

It was incredible. He was literally grabbing like a core branch and bending it down and just plucking him off and handing him to me. Popping them like M&M's, dude. It was fantastic. Whatever's on our side of the fence. So now I can't talk shit to this guy because Chris is like, he's a nice guy.

He taught me figs, Tommy. Definitely a smart individual. Tommy, you're doing stand-up again. Yeah. I love it. I remember when we were talking at Skank Fest and you were like, I'm going to get back into it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, this stuff I own here helped me. Dude. Yeah, it's fucking... It's the greatest. It's been so wonderful. Yeah. It's been wonderful.

I've heard. I've heard you're doing great. Yeah. I just got to get a lot more material. Sure, we all do. You know, this is the first run-through

of 20 minutes and I'm tired of telling... I'm not tired of telling it because I'm still excited about going from city to city. But yeah, the love is back, baby. The fire is on. Inshallah, my brother.

Inshallah. I am filled with figs. Figs enjoy. Inshallah. We're going to, we have dates? Yeah, Portland. We're going to Portland and Tacoma, hopefully San Francisco. We need to line something up in San Francisco.

The link on San Fran is... It's not. It's right. What's up there is right. Okay. We're getting a lot of messages. It's different from poster. The poster's wrong.

Ah, poster's wrong. Okay. Well, we'll be in San Fran at some point. We're going to post the date. And then we're also going to be in Huntington, New York with Shane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. April 21st. April 21st. April 21st.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, what do you got going on? Yeah, what do you got going on? You got some dates? I got Philadelphia Helium, April 19th. Nice. Yeah, I'll be down there for that. Houston, the 20th, the 21st in Lafayette, and then like, oh, Middleground Comedy Fest.

Yeah, I got SamTalent.com as my dates. I'm going to Ecuador for all of May. That fucking rules, dude. Where are you going, Tanita? Oh, dude, listen to this, bro. The last, like, I think like the 29th to like May 6th, they're doing like this mockumentary at the Baja 1000 from like Tijuana all the way to the bottom of Baja, Mexico.

Oh, shit. And I'm like the funny guy in the mockumentary. Really? Am I going to do the baja 1000 no that's fucking incredible yeah it's gonna be mental is that the the fucking the cars yeah yeah it's like uh they're like the buggies yes yeah yeah the ones with the fucking rules no i think it's like there's like uh four separate like uh axles or whatever i don't know yeah it's like it's like it's yeah what the fuck is the cars. It's like, it's, yeah.

What the fuck is the name of that car? Yeah. But it's all, like, it's just super, like, kitted out. Fuck. It's like, I feel like it's, like, just roll bars and fucking wheels. Yeah. And they fly. It goes across the desert.

I used to make one of those little, those Subaru fast cars. I thought they were all just for lesbians, you know? Yeah. They're not. No, no. They're, like, they're respected amongst the speakers. Don't eat pussy. It's the opposite.

It's true. Well, that's fucking great. That's going to be incredible. Are you in a car? I'm in a car in like the support vehicle. So wait, you just fly behind them in the back? Yeah, and then I got to get out and like riff with locals and, you know, like, I don't let the camera roll.

I'm like all bumped around for eight hours. It's going to be real. You got that one semester of Roadrunner Spanish going. I do, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you trying to, you trying to up the.

That's why I'm going to Ecuador for all of May. Cause my wife's doing Spanish medicine down there. Awesome. So it's like a fully immersive experience. We live with a family. So yeah. Whoa. I'll come back like a lot better at Spanish.

Yeah. That'd be, are you going to be. Where are you going to be in Ecuador? Rio Bamba. Rio Bamba. Is that on the water? Uh-huh. No? Closer to the water.

It's not too elevated. You got a guest bedroom for friends? Hey, man, come on down. For the Ecuadorian family, I'll be stoked to have everyone. I had a buddy who lived in Ecuador for six years. He had a pizza place slash bar on the water in Montanita. And I almost went down there and ran it with him. Yeah.

I should have. I always wanted to do that. I mean, the closest I got was the kayaks, running kayaks in Jersey Beach. But I could do that. I know a lot of guys that would, they would travel. They'd come in the winters. They'd go to like Hawaii or South American bars and just bartend. Oh, yeah, for sure.

And then they'd come back here in the summer. The issue with that, I guess, is you don't stack cash like you do when you go other places. Yeah. It's still South America, you know? Yeah. But it's still like you're just fucking face deep in some of the finest cash in the world. Oh, my God. That's all the stories they tell.

Yeah. It's still Catholics. There's all the stories they tell. Still Catholics, there's no condoms allowed. They age like presidents, too, though, because they're just in the sun all day long and they're fucking, you know, they're raisin-faced by the time they're like 40 years old. They look sick. They look like shipwreck victims.

Yeah. They're not sleeping from all the coke and pussy. No. I'd love to go down there. That's my gray hair. I'd love to go down there. You're such a fine piece of ass. Yes.

Sam? Was that your girlfriend? Yeah. She's beautiful. Ooh. Thank you. We're going to... She looks like a drawing in a prisoner's notebook.

Show me excited to hear that. There's like a 19-year-old somewhere with her tattooed on the back so the boys don't feel gay when they savage him. She is fucking gorgeous, dude. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Thank you. When she came out, I was like, did I bump my head? Who's this goddess?

She's going to be a wild. She's a huge fan. She was like, I got to give you a hug. Everyone loves you. And I was like, I'll stand up. If you come down to me. It'll be a glizzy. A glizzy's coming out.

You don't mind hot dogs, do you? Just a hot dog. That's horseradish. I didn't just come. Yeah, you guys are fucking living, man. It's awesome. It's been nice, dude. Yeah, the rise, the ascent.

It's been fun. We hit a wall a little bit you know but we're getting i i got real lazy as we were going on the road we haven't been filming any of the look at dish yeah so we got some plan we got one saturday and one next week we're gonna try and film like four or five in a row yeah log them because it's shitload of editing it's a lot of work and obviously we're getting a lot of people saying like where where is it where is it but it's it's a day shoot essentially you know it's a lot of prep work it's a lot of work and obviously we're getting a lot of people saying like where where is it where is it but it's it's a day shoot essentially you know it's a lot of prep work it's a lot of so we're gonna do like different leveling uh like varying levels of difficulty sure they'll ride for you oh yeah yeah i just want to realign and reassess the whole company for my for my pod

comedic industry yeah exactly yeah chubby behemoth does It's like some comedic industry. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Chubby Behemoth does, you know, Lund. Yeah, yeah. We have a pod. And for one of our $20 patrons, he sends them mail. And initially it was like, hey, here's a handwritten letter. Here's a cool T-shirt, you know? And now it's just like fucking shit that he assembles. He's like, here's some stickers.

This cool bottle cap I found, you know? It's his old merch. He didn't want it. Exactly, yeah. But not yours, I mean? No, yeah, no. It's like. Do. He didn't want it. Exactly, yeah. But not yours, I mean? No, yeah, no. Do you have merch? That'd be fun. I'd like to build fully assembled Lego things and send them to people. Jesus Christ.

I want to build Lego shit, but there's nowhere to put it. You got a whole middle room filled with dog shit. It's full of all of the podcasts. No, but you put shelves and stuff, and you put all your autistic achievements. You can build magic

college over your life. That is funny, having like a room of art, but it just says autistic achievements. All the shit you built. You gotta celebrate your triumphs, man. If you put it together, you gotta hang it up. Yeah, but now that's why I'm getting into video gaming, because I gotta do something.

You wanna put it all. Yeah, I like, yeah. I'm getting into video gaming because I got to do something. You want to put it off? I just, yeah, I like, yeah. Well, we got to start doing the fucking. I got to get into Magic College, dude. This is a problem. They didn't accept my application. We got to start doing the onward shit again with the fans. I don't even know if we still have people in that category.

Or you would game with them. Yeah. $25 a year, we'd game with them for like two hours. We're doing it once a week. Yeah, that's cool. And it's fun as fuck. Yeah. The only problem is there's only room for like for the golf game.

You don't have foursome. Yeah. We don't know how to do like a group of, I'd like to do it like during the day somehow. That's what I like a Saturday or like a Sunday. Yeah. Well, cause the,

well, the thing is we like film it. We need the like computer to like live stream it and shit. It's a lot of technical. There's a lot, there's a lot of technical bullshit that goes into it but they're also the other thing is like we're just trying to do as much stand-up as possible so you want to like go out at night fucking yeah sun's shining yeah you gotta report your soul right now baby yeah it springs around the corner i was just thinking what i was like what's up with these two it's just you're both

studs that sucks because you're both like well put together handsome guys. No one wants that. It's true. I don't like that at all. It does make the first five minutes and five rows of comedy difficult. Yeah. Because all the dudes are just like thinking you're going to fuck their girl. Like, don't laugh at that.

Exactly. I don't think anyone's thinking that. I don't think anyone's thinking that. Guys get upset. Who said this? I don't think anyone's like, this i walked on stage i don't think anyone's like this guy's gonna be a problem you trip on stage i don't think so this sucks everything sucks remember that meal we went to after santa barbara yeah that was fantastic talking about how

how beautiful life is dude you well dude the first hour after a kill shot, yeah. It's also just Santa Barbara is so nice. Yeah. Dude, anytime I go to a nice place, I'm just like, what am I doing? Right. What am I doing? I want to map that place out. Let's just be shaping surfboards on a beach somewhere.

Yeah, dude. Just like fucking... Yeah. I got to map Santa Barbara out to where my brother lives. Oh, go over there. I got to find it. No, we don't talk. Oh, never mind.

He lives in Santa Barbara? Yeah, that's apparently... Really? He lives in Santa Barbara? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. SB. go over there. I gotta find out. No, we don't talk. He lives in Santa Barbara? Yeah, that's apparently. Really? Santa Barbara? Yeah. It's beautiful. It's unbelievable. I know, I've been there once. Palm trees and shit. Yeah. What the fuck? I met up with you and the sun was going down behind you and just cotton candy skies.

Dude, you got any pics? I think so. You guys don't have any group buddy pics? I think we took a picture at dinner And that was the night you were like Yeah that was the most I've ever been in love We were like riding bicycles is great It was like nothing that anyone thinks about him It was awesome

In fact when he got fucking blitzed At Skankfest on Mushrooms And had a bad trip You know the story, right? I was there. Yeah. So I was texting Shane and texting Chris. I was like, are you guys still fucked up?

Because I haven't been able to sleep in like 12 hours. Shane didn't get back to me because he was sleeping. And Chris is like, yeah, man, me too. And then he just says, I'm Denver. And I was like, wait, what? And I thought he was taking a plane to go see this girl and this love. Because I thought like something clicked. And he's like, I got to get this girl back in my life.

And he's like, no, I just want to see the mountains. He's just hiking by himself. I just want to see mountains. Yeah, dude. It's powerful. I do want her back in my life. But there's no way it could work. So she's kind of like a hawk, right?

Yeah, she's a hawk. Oh, that's right. Whoa, dude. Whoa. Which is, that's so fun to be around. Dude, a girl in a beanie gets me going. Oh, my God. That's a Colorado thing, though, right?

Like a more masculine type, like athletic. I think capable might be the term. Not that most women are incapable, but these are women who have been kind of imbued with some amount of outdoor skills and stuff. Or they know how to set up a tent, like that kind of shit. Dude, there's nothing hotter than a snowboarder,

a hot snowboard girl. I can think of one person who's hotter, and she was here earlier. I'm reeling. Dude, I meant just the athleticism. No, for sure, yeah. When you see, just see, watching a woman who's like a good runner

is so hot to me. A girl with a long neck and a ponytail. Dude, see ya. And this girl was just bludgeoning me with like one new sick location after another. It's Colorado, man. Just driving up like, here's a fucking sick glacier.

Or she'd just start running into the woods and I'd just start chasing her. We'd wind up at some just like clearing. It's a beautiful mountain. It's the middle of summer but it's snowing up there. You gotta fall in love with a woman in like Cincinnati.

Some chili pig. Some bolognale pig from some shitty town. Yeah, dude. That way you can look forward to them. Some chili pig. Some bolognese pig. Some shitty pig. That way you can look forward to the hikes. I think I need to get into the mountains more. I think I need to really start examining myself. What brings joy. I got to start watching what I eat.

I feel like my brain is a lot more delicate of a thing than I've been you know Treating it like and I think I think I need to like set aside time to run through the woods This sounds like Ted Kaczynski's diary My dad just read his manifesto. Yeah, and everyone's got it. So right. He's just a fucking scared bitch. Yeah, shut the fuck up He was also rock. Sorry. You couldn't handle the future, dude. We're all scared. Get out of your fucking hut. Right, yeah.

At least he did something about it. I hate him so much. You hate Teddy K. I hate people just endlessly whinge about how scary the future is. It's like, yes, it is. Right. It's not going to change. Even when the conspiracy theorists, like, it comes out true, it's like, yeah, it's not going to bother you. It's not going to change. Even when the conspiracy theorists,

it comes out true. It's like, yeah, it's not going to bother you. It's not going to affect you at all. It's like voting for somebody you don't agree with to save $100,000 in taxes. You're going to play the fucking game. Until money affects your life, just exist. Go to restaurants you like,

plug a hole you don't think you should be in. Don't kill people because you don't like the internet. Like, that's the most pathetic shit I've ever heard. He would have hated Skyrim. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, he would have blew up fucking Clown College for sure. He would have taken him to the servers.

Yeah, dude. Yeah, I hate him. But he does have the same, you know, the mentality that you're showing me now is like, you know, he builds bombs. He's like, you know, he likes isolation. He likes the beauty. Yeah. You could get up there and change.

Things could shift. You're talking about having a delicate skull. What if it goes wrong? I'll never do that. You can't fight the future, dude. You can't fight it. I don't know, dude. We could do three months in Steamboat Springs, Colorado.

You might be figuring out how to fit some fucking fuses into a letter. Shoot, dude. No. might be figuring out how to fit some fucking fuses into a letter. Shoot, dude. The $20 tier on the merch thing is getting a different type of delivery. We found this man with his head blown off wearing a Stuff Island hoodie. And unlike most of these instances. Just my first attempt at making a box. I just blew the shit out of myself. But the merch holds up.

It's quality merch. It's good. I have one of those hoodies. They're badass. Nice. Does it fit well? Yeah. Well, no, but I wear it around still.

It's a 2X, but you know. That's all we got. Yeah. We got 2X t-shirts. Hey, I'll take one. Yeah. We have a whole, you know, it's in the autistic memorial in the middle room. But yeah. Thanks for coming. It's been an hour memorial in the middle room. But yeah, thanks for coming.

It's been an hour? Yeah. Really? Damn, that fucking flew by. I'm going, well, a couple of minutes. I'm going to, I'm going to go try the 730 show. Cool, yeah, come on down. If that's okay.

Do I have to be on a list or do I have to pay? Do you want me to pay? No, I'll put you on a list. Okay, that's good. Support the arts, dude. I'll bring a diamond ice so you can stare at it a little bit. You should pay, support the arts. I will pay. Do you could stare a little bit you should pay support the earth You guys do you get my up give him $20 and I don't drink after

I'm doing fine For a month that's gonna be yeah, but I'm also living in squalor, you know, yeah Yeah, it's like 500 bucks to live there for the month and they serve all your meals That's what you live in a house with them, you know a lot of plantains gerbils I mean, it's gonna be very healthy for you too, right? It'll be great. Yeah, I mean great. I'll finally finish the second book It's gonna be perfect. Yes, sir That guy's dead I need 30 days of dedicated writing time and it's done.

Really? Yes, because I can't write on the road. But yeah, I'll have this fucking 25 days in Ecuador and it'll be done. When you say you can't write on the road, do you mean just creatively because you're exerting your juices towards the end? No, it's like, well, you drink,

but then also you want to go and hang out with the boys. You want to go to the Botanical Gardens. You want to go down to the market. Yeah, I want to still live out there Yeah, if it's Kansas City in December, like of course I can write there. I'm not gonna leave the fucking hotel Yeah, you know, it's just like go to the fucking hot tub and then order Domino's and feel bad. Yeah, but yeah No, I just it's tough to write on the road I don't have a process. I mean I used to go to a coffee shop and I really want to finish this script thing I'm doing

and it's the first run of it you know the first like it's probably the second version right now it's like 62 pages and I want to get to 56 and every time I reread it I'm like I need a headspace that I'm not used to like that exercise you have is like you know you just like

it's like getting into a gym uniform and knowing you're going to go work out I don't have that wiring do you map it out or do you just like, it's like getting into a gym uniform and knowing you're going to go work out. I don't have that wiring. Do you map it out or do you just sit down and write? No. Yeah, I just sit down and write. Yeah. So there's no tracing arcs at all other than, do you know where you want it to end, obviously?

Nah, I know where I want it to end now, but I'm like 40,000 words into it. But yeah, initially I was just like, this guy's fun. What's he up to? You know? Yeah. You just let him kind of bump around. And then you go back in the rewriting process and connect all the A's to the Z's, you know? But yeah.

It's a lot more fun that way. This makes me hard. Like hearing this creative process makes me. Writing's fun. I'll probably text you a couple things. Makes me intimidated. Probably any time. Why? I don't know. Anytime I have a character and I go, what's he doing?

He's sitting. Yeah, but a lot of people sit. You know what I mean? Like, there's a lot of true-to-life moments that are very boring. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You write what you know, my friend,

and you as a human being are an incredible character no matter what the situation is. You really are, dude. You're a Seinfeld character in a way where, like, you bring a certain mentality and energy to any room that is interesting this is a compliment that's another thing anytime i write a line like that i'm gonna just feel forced of course you're writing there you go see that's the kind of advice i need this is exactly what See, that's the kind of advice I need.

This is exactly what you need. That's the thing. You've got to kill the voice in your head that says, that's gay. Yeah. Because all the stuff that you say, that's gay, rules. All of it rules. 100%. Like, oh, I'm writing.

Oh, now I'm going to go on a walk in the park. Oh, there's a farmer's market? All the shit. Yeah. Until I was like 28. I was like, don't do that. That's for homos. It's like, yeah, they live big, bold, beautiful lives.

Yeah, of course. I also do have a fear that when you do stop saying, you know, answering the voice in your head or listening, it's like I'm afraid that you'll change. And I can't have you changing right now. It's like how a comic says, well, I can't go to therapy. I won't be funny anymore. It's like, a comic says, like, well, I can't go to therapy. I won't be funny anymore. It's like, yeah, you will, you fucking idiot.

Yeah. Speaking of, we'll get out of here. No, that is, that. Therapy. Yeah, yeah. I need some therapy. Definitely need some therapy. But yeah, that voice is, the voice is strong.

Yeah, because it's been fortified by everyone you've known for years and years. Yeah, yeah. And booze. Oh, booze. Yeah, yeah. All the toxic things we pour into our bodies to kill that little giggling voice inside. You know, I haven't gotten that wine yet. I'm going to get some live.

Oh, yeah. Get some Pet Nats. Yeah. That was so wonderful. Yeah. What a great day that was. Dude, and that was like the first time we ever hung out. Yeah.

I fell in love with you. And it was just the best early courtship. I told. And me and you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had very fleeting interactions. Yeah, yeah. I tell everybody about San Francisco.

That was the first big hang. That was awesome, man. Yeah. Everyone was talking special. I was wrecked the next day. Dude. very fleeting interactions. Yeah, yeah. I tell everybody about San Fernando. That was the first big hang. That was awesome, man. Yeah. I was all wrapped the next day. Dude. Oh, my God. Fuck me. Do you know how much we drank?

Dude, I think I brought over six bottles. And then we also had a bottle of whiskey. Uh-huh. We had a 30-pack. Yeah. Of Bud Light. Of Bud Light. And then we had, I think, 12 Guinness.

I know that I had more than enough Guinnesses to get drunk alone on Guinness. Those came out late into the night. I think there was four of us, five of us. Did we go out after that? No, I went back. No, I fell face first into my fucking, I never do that. I remember waking up face first backwards on my fucking bed. Like the head was at the foot.

I was in town for a wedding and I went and met up with my friends who came in from Colorado that night. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I just remember them being like, you were a fucking nuisance. You showed up just a problem, and you didn't stop. I guess we went for a walk by the water somewhere in Brooklyn, and they were like, yeah, you were just going up to Latino kids and being like, you want to see a new dance move? It's like a lot of the things you did, if you did them alone, you would've got killed. Oh man, your stature and size.

Oh no, dude, 15? Four 15-year-old Latinos? They'd rip me in half. Yeah. Like, I guess the kid was like dribbling a basketball, and I like stole it from him. He was pissed. None of this I remember. I was fucking gone. Dude, that is the most dangerous thing you can do is go from that energy switch in your time.

To the world. You know what I mean? You're eating tater tot pizza and getting shit-faced. Then you're in a knife fight. Then you go to a wedding hang. How did Sam die? By living.