Stuff Island - Stuff Island #76 - weird skulls and jersey tomatoes w/ Mark Gagnon

Episode Date: April 12, 2023

- Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch.. Each week they'll talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish & twice a month they live stream VR Golf and Onward with fans. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Actually, I swear to God, I think this ep when it comes out is the other pouch. Oh, our actual sponsor. Lucy. Lucy. Oh, Lucy. That's what I'm doing. Oh, yeah. Okay.

I mean, if you give me 10%, yeah. I'll do whatever the fuck you want. I'll do an ad read for the Taliban right now if you want it, okay? Dude, that would be sick if the Taliban got into financing podcasts. Only strictly comedy podcasts. It cuts to like a break in the middle of it. We're like, and this episode is brought to you by the Taliban. The Taliban, one of the

greatest factions of the Middle East. You gotta get to know them. And then Toyota's fucking white pickup truck goes through the fucking roof again. They're doing a rebrand. That's all it is. They're doing a rebrand. Sorry about the sport. I get,

I'm so enamored with that show. I think it's Around the Horn. There's that guy Frank who's got that like vampire mouth. The old guy? Yeah, he's got this weird

concave mouth like he's been sucking his thumb for 30 years. You know, like pushes up your skull. Yes, yes, that weird palate.

Yes, and it goes up a little bit. Yeah. Who is this guy that's some fucking sports anchor i can't i can't i took a piss on his father i gotta get it out fucking he reminds me of do you remember that viral video where there was that little latino kid in like a fucking marlins game and he picked his shirt oh yeah that kid has that vampire mouth. I see that like,

this is going to sound crazy, but I've seen that mouth on like skulls. You know what I mean? Like in like mass graves. Like the catacombs? Bro, is that what happened to that kid? Dude, the fucking humping kid? You saw his skull?

Yeah, he's dead now. What the hell, bro? I wouldn't tell people that. We bring up a very specific guy, and you're like, I think I've seen that skull before, actually, in my bedroom. That's so weird. It's in the backyard. It's just a fucking cigar ashtray.

Yeah, you have a sportscaster under your bed, dude. No, you ever see a weird mouth on a skull, like a Holocaust museum or something? You know what I mean? You're like, what kind of head is that? know people walk around with that i think people are reading and crying and you're like this guy's fucking skull yeah yeah wait is it someone from the exhibit or just a guy walking around like that's no a dead skull okay because i'm gonna say if you just go to some random guy like that's a weird head he's like bro i'm honoring my

ancestors actually i don't need the criticism. Can I open your mouth? Can I take a picture? Yeah, let me get inside of there real quick. Maybe he got damaged clawing his way out of a cement box. That was being gassed. Jesus Christ, let the guy live. Go die. Go die.

You ever see like old pictures of skulls and their teeth are perfect? That shit bugs me out. I'm like, what's going on that their teeth are so good? Well, dentistry is a fucking. It's a myth. It's a myth. Modern dentistry is a fucking it's a myth modern dentistry is a myth I don't know dude look at fucking go to London man it's a mess over there well that's just your natural genetic teeth

their teeth are like it's like a rake with like eight things missing yeah they don't go to the dentist they like don't get braces they are fucking horrendous it's like I said this before about my dad's bottom row but uh it's like going to like a you see like a 17th century cemetery where like some of them are racked on each other they got like mold and some are bigger than the others it's insane it's insane mayhem yeah you walk around they're just

like decrepit falling apart like they're just open like there's someone there's a hand waiting there and you're just like that should not be allowed It is crazy if you go to Boston those tombstones are like they like made them scary. Oh, yeah There's like a skull with wings on what is that? I think it's when a baby dies they just put like a skull with wings on or just a guy that worked at Hot Topic or something? He died in 2014. That's weird. But he's just a fucking rock guy. Yeah, yeah. I can't wait to see Guy Fieri's tombstone.

That's going to be mayhem, dude. Just spikes coming out. Just fucking awesome. It's going to be like the eternal flame in Washington, where it's just going to be flames like fucking barbecue flames. What are you going to have on yours? Have you thought about it? Not that you're close or anything.

No, it's just great. I don't want to be a diss but you got fucking beautiful hair and i'm clearly gray and close to the death uh no i'm getting fucking burnt but you got a down payment on it or what box no i'm getting a box of ashes and i might fuck around in my will it depends on who's with me and who you know how bad I want to fuck with them. See where I got to get my ashes tossed. This guy getting anything or what? I mean, I'm definitely dying before him.

I don't know. Maybe I'll make lockets. Like something real fucking creepy. I'll put a sincere letter to all my buddies that have to wear my locket. That's awesome. Or request it. Maybe like an inside,

you know like those old British dudes that have fucking pocket watches lock. Oh, that's awesome. We'll request it. Maybe like an inside, you know, like those old British dudes that have fucking pocket watches. Oh, yeah. But it's like a pound of my ashes. Can you get made into a diamond? Oh, I think so. Right?

Yeah. Isn't it just carbon? It's carbon compressed. Yeah, why not? Yeah. That's a great idea. That'd be awesome. Just get made into a diamond, dude.

Yeah. I'd fucking swing you from my rope, dude. Oh, my God. How hot would that be? Just put me on like a gaudy watch. Oh, man. A roller scent, dude. Something I would fucking swing you from my rope, dude. Oh, my God. How hot would that be? Just put me on like a gaudy watch. Something I would fucking hate. Flava Flav is wearing you around.

You're like, how is he still alive? Geez. Yeah, you hit a fucked up skull, but I loved him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to do open burial, but cremated. I think that'd be awesome. Wait a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you mean? So open casket. Oh, you want them to see you first, and then they take you. Wait a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean? So open casket. Oh, you want them to see you first and then they take you to the back, burn you and they send you. No, no, no. I'm just ashes open casket. Like it's raw stuff in it?

Yeah, it's like an itch's catch. Bye Mark. My kids have like a Zen garden. They're just fucking combing me. Yeah, yeah. That's what dad would have wanted. Can you make requests on like how hard, like what kind of cook you want?

Like can you be like medium rare? You know what I mean? No, it's like coarse ground coffee. Yeah. It's like, no, it's for a pour over. I want a pour over consistency of my fucking ashes. I also think the, you ever see those bulbs that they plant in and make you a tree?

Oh yeah. So essentially they buck you in a little ball, throw some soil and shit, and they make you a ball of a tree. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So essentially, they buck you in a little ball, throw some soil and shit, and they make you a ball of a tree. And they plant you in like a park. And you're like the seed for the tree? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this your grandma, by the way?

I was wondering about that. I noticed this. No, dude, it's my brother. What's up, baby? It would be a great place to hide your body. What, the earth? Directly under a tree. You think you're the first one that thought of this?

True. Dude, as soon as you see any idea, really. That's what a burial is. You're like, guys, I got a crazy idea. Let's dig a hole, put them in it. What do we think, huh? What do we think? I swear to God, I was amazing.

It's supposed to be under a tree. Why? I know. You know how hard it is to get around roots? It's insane. You can't uproot a rose bush. It takes like six days. It's hard. You need't uproot a rose bush. It takes like six days. You need a backhoe.

Yeah, no, it's a nightmare. There's no way. I think I'm just dragging my ex-wife out there, cutting around. It's like, no, no, no, no. But hey, you can just build, you can dedicate a tree like in a park. It was like a very big thing in like 10 years ago

where it like started like, I know how we're going to get green. Yeah, you build up the rainforest. I don't know if it's rainforest. But they chop you up or something. i don't know but they chop you up or something they don't just put you in like fetal they truly have a diagram which shows you the process and it just shows you in a fetal position with your fucking are you talking about a new tree like a brand new tree yeah like they take a sack they bury you and all your nutrients from your

body feed into the the ground and you create life with your death You don't want to deal with that though a hurricane comes you die again like you don't know I'm saying like your tree The trees Come up with the roots After your death people still judging your skull. They're like, that guy's got a weird head. It's like, I'm already dead, bro. I don't need Chrissy fucking judging my head shape. That's fucking true.

You probably couldn't do it in, like, Tornado Alley or anywhere. You'd get ripped up and, like, tossed fucking a mile into somebody's pool. Yeah, out west, they make you a cactus. Just one cactus in the middle of the fucking... I would put my head on top of a cactus. Just have the arms be my arms. That would be sick. Yeah, right. I say this all the time exactly i truly would love to taxidermy my father i think

it would be the funniest fucking thing what pose what what pose just a smoke at a smoke at a butt yeah this is his iconic stance i mean or his tombstone would just be a push broom mustache. He had a giant thick fucking mustache. Some hipster died here. A hundred percent. This guy owned three bars. Would you elevate the mustache or would it just be on the ground?

I would elevate it. I would have like a like those fucking puppeteers. It's just on a stick. I'd put it on a six-foot stick. Just have Jeff Dunham do an act with you. Just do that. I kill you. That would be amazing.

Dunham should incorporate that into his act. He's using real bodies. I think there's an indirect... Dunham has real bodies. Whoa, he's gotten so dark. He's edgy now now it's the bodies exhibit have you been to that shit yes

where they just have dead people in a room yeah they had one in Philly for a while because they moved it from city to city and I went when it was in Philly it was a huge hit

that's Kent Park or whatever that street is what's the one where all the heroin addicts are no that's Kensington there is a Kent Park in Delco that I grew up in.

Oh, look at me, dude. I was like, holy fuck, dude. It's a really guy right here, dude. Go Eagles, right? I'm from Doylestown, you know what I'm saying? Are you really? Nah, I wish. I knew a bunch of kids from Doylestown

when I was back in Florida. Oh, no shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you originally from Florida? Yeah, from Orlando. Dude, you got a great look, man. I appreciate it, bro. Thank you.

Great fucking look. This is love at first sight. I wasn't always this, though. I used to be like an Abercrombie type, like twink. Yeah, this works for you, bro. Thank you. Thank you. This is love at first sight. I wasn't always this, though. I used to be, like, an Abercrombie type, like, twink. Yeah, this works for you, bro. I was much twinkier. And then I met my wife, and then I think she's trying to, like, dirty me up. Yeah.

Yeah. Did you bulk up? Did you bulk up? I got fatter, yeah, for sure. Yeah, I appreciate that. Dude, you don't look fatter at all. You look so good. No, that's cool, though.

You don't have a twink frame at all, dude. No, I've been trying to untwink myself bad. Yeah. Well, it's fucking working, pal. I don't get respect, though, the way, like, this is actually, I've been trying to untwink myself bad. It's fucking working. I don't get respect though. This is actually, I've been wanting to ask you guys about this because I'm really glad you invited me here because I've been meaning to ask you guys one thing specifically.

I got bodied on the airplane the other day. We're going to Austin. I'm going on the airplane and I still get treated like a kid. It's annoying. I don't know why, but I'm walking onto the airplane and I'm fucking, I'm the last person on the flight, okay? Because literally Schultz texts me and goes,

dude, I need you to like wait for me, hold the plane because I'm running late. I was like, all right, cool. So I'm sitting there at the gate, ready to like lay down, like to stop the gate from closing. And I text him like, bro, where are you? He goes, oh, I'm on the flight.

I was like, what? He goes, yeah, I thought you saw me. I walked behind you. I went right on the plane. And I was like, what? Wait, he didn't even say I'm here? No, what? He goes, yeah, I thought you saw me. I walked behind you. I went right on the flight. And I was like, what? Wait, he didn't even say I'm here. No, he was just like, yeah, I thought you saw me. I just popped in first class seat. I'm sitting, I got the upgrade, not trying to brag. So I'm in, I'm in comfort plus right? 11 C I walk onto the flight. I see my buddy. He's an 11, a 11 B middle seat, empty 11, 11 C my seat, old guy sitting at it. Very old old like older than you even but like

he's painting through how to die what do i want to do with my body he's like a tree i can do that that's cool and he's just sitting there and he's like so old he's got like mustard on his lips like like you know it's just blubber and he's just like sitting there and he's like oh buddy my back is killing me my back is so bad is there any way i i have the middle seat but is there any way you could take the middle seat and i take this seat because i'm gonna have to stand up a lot during the flight and i was like oh now everyone's looking at me everyone's staring at me the pilot comes staring at me. The pilot comes out. He's like, what are you going to fucking do, buddy? And I'm like, I push back once.

And I'm like, okay, you don't want to sit in the middle. He goes, no, I can. He's by the window or he's aisle? He's aisle. That's my seat. Yeah, yeah. That's huge, though. Austin's what, four hours?

Four hour flight. That's not a little one. And are you boozing before the flight or on the flight? Nah, not really. So I'm sitting there. I'm just like, fuck, dude, I don't know. Fine, fine. I'll take the middle seat.

I'm going to sit next to my friend. You can take the aisle seat. And we start talking. Throughout the conversation, he's getting younger and younger in terms of like his energy. He started at 90 and then goes down to like 60. And he's like, yeah, we're going down there.

You know, we've got a convention. We might play some golf. Like in the middle seat? No, he's in the aisle. I'm in the middle. So this is after he's in the aisle I'm in the middle so this is after you gave him the seat after I gave him the seat

and he's talking about the activities he's gonna do with the mountain climbing literally and I ask him about it he's like oh but I got a surgery I'm gonna watch blah blah blah the whole flight goes on

we're like chit chatting he's like bro I'd love to come to a show you guys are doing shows down there I'd love to come by and I was like buddy sorry there's only middle seats at the show

I'm like I'm fuming and then I'm I've never been so angry in my life. I'm just sitting in the middle seat just fucking stewing. And then by the end of the flight, all of a sudden, he keeps talking to me about it. And he's like, I'd love to come to the show. The guy in front of him starts laughing. And I was like, what the fuck is that?

And he turns around. He goes, Bill, are you going to tell him? And the guy literally looks at me and goes, buddy, I don't have a bad back. I was like, bro, That would be a problem. I was just fucking around. I just wanted the ILC. You know, I'm an old guy. I'm an old guy.

And then there's the worst thing. He goes, but you can use this in one of your bits. Oh, my God. I almost lost it. And then he gets off the plane and he's like limping. And he's like, what? I'll limp if it makes you feel better. Ha, ha, ha.

And then leaves. And I'm just like. What's his nationality? He's like a white dude from Staten Island or some shit. I was going to say Italian or Jewish. A real townie. I think Italian guy. And I just just like... What's his nationality? He's like a white dude from Staten Island or some shit. I was going to say Italian or Jewish. A real townie. I think Italian guy. And I just got bodied.

Townie. Townie Italian. They do that whole fucking psycho shit. What would you do, though? Honest. Dude, honest. Fume. Stew.

Honest like this. Just rage internally. Yeah, just murder him in your brain over and over. The die is cast. You can't pull him out of the seat. No, it's over, but I think I would undress him in a way that he'd never, ever forget. Okay, all right, do it. No, I mean, like, I would fucking, I don't know what he looked like,

but I would pull apart his family in an attempt to get him to push me or put his hands on me. So I'd say I bet I would make fun of his fat wife. I'd be like, do these horrible jokes work on your ugly wife? Wow. I bet they don't. Do you have any kids? Yeah. They can't possibly respect you.

Look at your pants. Oh, this is a pain. You fucking bald. Oh, by the way, your breath fucking stinks. Yeah, that's good. You have a decaying squirrel in your fucking teeth, you fat fucking pig. Oh, by the way, your breath fucking stinks. Yeah, that's good. You got a decaying squirrel in your fucking teeth. You fat fucking pig.

This is hurting me. You're just looking at me. Dude, I would follow him. Dude, yeah. I would follow him to baggage claim, yapping in his fucking ear the entire goddamn time. And I would say, this can end now if you buy me three beers at one of the bars that we pass this can all end or we go to fucking baggage claim and i keep talking about your fat ugly wife she put her nipples in her pockets are they big fucking fat hangers like yours

you fucking mongrel so about 30 bucks and you'll get over yeah three airport beers that's like 80 bucks yeah That's really what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. First of all, three airport beers, that's like $80. Yeah, that's fair. But you're going to drink on arrival? That's a bold move. That could be a – I'd spill a drink on him. Oh, that's good. You could ask for a soda.

Oh, that's good. Knock it off. You know what I mean? Just fumble it and be like, oh, my bad, dude. Yeah. Hot coffee. Yeah, it's got to be Amazon, right? It's got to be. I don't know. But that? Just fumble it. Yeah. And be like, oh, my bad, dude. Yeah. Hot coffee. My fucking hands. Yeah. It's got to be Amazon, right?

It's got to be. I don't know. But that was a pretty aggressive ring. They do that sometimes for our deliveries. Yeah. You guys think that's him? He's back to hobby. We're live streaming this.

No. He just pulled up. He's like, hey, I heard you talking shit, buddy. I was like, I was just joking. Now I'm like pissed off. I do this all the time where it's like, now i'm like pissed off i like i do this all the time where it's like if i'm like podcast if i'm doing something and someone calls me i'll be like what the fuck are they doing the audacity yeah yeah they don't know that i'm in the middle

of something but i'm still just like what kind of fucking piece of shit i would interrupt what i'm doing don't they know yeah i do I do that to my wife sometimes. I feel bad about it. Yeah. Like, I'll be, like, working, like, writing some dog shit bit, like, just, like, an awful, like, the worst bit I've ever written in my life.

Yeah. And then she'll, is this for me? Oh, thank you so much. It's a surprise. It's a surprise. I'm some fan center or something. This guy's cut some people before.

It'd be great if my fucking head blows off. It looks fucking damn good. Imagine. And we keep going. guy's cut some people before. This would be great if my fucking head blows off. It looks fucking damn good. Imagine. And we keep going. This is exactly how they ordered my death. Oh, the plants came. Take a look. Just splattered on the wall.

My fucking skull's stuck in the wall. Is this a shit ton of beers? Yeah, dude. How fucking cool is this? Wow. Let's go. It's from Mortales Brewing Company. I got to look the kid's name up, but good Lord. And they're cold. Oh, wow. Look's go. I'm from a Hortales Brewing Company. I gotta look the kid's name up, but good lord.

And they're cold. Oh, wow. Look at you. I got you backed up, baby. Boys. Oh, no. Oh, no. Have you ever seen him this excited before?

Mm-mm. Damn, that fucking rules. Oh, man. Shift the camera a little. God damn it, Tom. Conduities ruined. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Bro. Sorry about that. Yeah, dude. Once note is ruined. Yeah, yeah. All right. Bro. Sorry about that. Yeah, dude. Once they ring a second time, it's a signature requirement. There's nothing better than getting free shit, and then there's nothing better than getting free booze. Free beer.

Yeah. I mean, you feel like a hot girl now. This is what hot women deal with every day. Every day. And you have to get to this level of success. You have to work for 35 years. Yes. Just to even get a couple free beers

hot girls are getting cans full of like old men's semen they recap it they're like you love this sandra being a hot woman is crazy because it is like being it's like being famous and nobody knows you with no talent you know what i mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like you get all the perks of fame. Yeah, the accolades are amazing. But nobody actually knows who you are. Yeah. Yeah. It's bizarre.

Yeah. You know? You get all the tension like I don't want to say hi because I don't want to let them know I'm a fan. Meanwhile, they're just beating off to the thought of your tits. It's the same feeling. Like, yeah. You know?

Dude, some dude last night, I went to Sam Talent's headlining show at the Union Hall. Yeah. Some dude last night was so fucked up. He was like, here's Tommy Pope!

And it's like, just yelling in the back of the room. Yeah. And I was like, damn, man. He's like, you on a fucking old-fashioned?

I was like, actually, yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was getting like, this dude like, you want to fucking old fashioned? I was like, actually, yeah, dude. I was going to be like, this dude's way out of line right now. And he orders me an old fashioned. Absolutely. I know. Great taste. He's like extra orange.

You're like, how did you know? How did you know? He's truly a fan. He's ordering a drink that I like. It's crazy. Yeah. Anyway, shout out. It's also nice to send someone on an errand that's like fucked up.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Why don't you go get something? Yeah. You do that with your drunk friends. You're like, hey, it's GTA now to send someone on an errand. That's like fucked up. Oh yeah. Yeah. Why don't you go get something? Yeah. You do that with your drunk friends. You're like, Hey, it's GTA.

Now you're on a mission. You just got to hit the streets. We need three chickens. It's like Zelda. Like bring them back to me. I'll give you a hundred rupees. Go get me a chopped cheese in Harlem. An hour and a half.

He treats it like he's a, he's a Lieutenant. He's like, I, I, sir, I'm out of here. He's getting a chopped cheese in Harlem. Sheen an hour and a half. And he treats it like he's a lieutenant. He's like, aye, aye, sir. I'm out of here. He's getting a cooler on the way so it stays warm. Yeah. That's the thing about fans of podcasts. The guys, they treat you like it's the best, dude. Outside of putting your bird in their mouth, it's like they'll do anything.

Anyway, I'm horny. All these colors of beers make me horny. I look at every fan interaction you're thinking, would this guy take my dick? How far could I get this dude? How committed is he to the podcast? Oh, you seen that rip you saw? Yeah.

You ever see the one where I talked about wanting to get my dick sucked? Well, then you're not a fan, are you? Now get down there dude i watched a woman suck a bird on the porn and it was just i i didn't know so a lot of hip-hop songs gentlemen come with the sloppy head terminology yeah yeah yeah yeah and i was like yeah it's just like a girl getting into it, you know? Uh-uh. I watched a couple of porns, and I'm like,

some of these girls are like rolling their tongue around while blowing. Yeah, yeah. And then there's just like, it's like soap suds by the nuts. Rabid. Old. Yeah. It's like she got bit by a raccoon last night, and she's just foaming out the fucking mouth all over this dude's dick. You've just recently seen this?

Yeah, I guess I've been avoiding, I don't know out the fucking mouth. All of his dudes did. You've just recently seen this? Yeah, I don't, I guess I've been avoiding, I don't know, the mature porn. Just really showing what I get into. Yeah, that's my genre, sudsy. That's what I like in a girl. You got a car wash mouth? That's what I need. No, I got.

I want to be your scrub daddy is what I'm saying. That's how I, I, I evaluate every porn star on their commitment to the blowjob. It's everything, dude. Yeah. Really? What's your criteria? Is it just enthusiasm?

It's not just enthusiasm. There's people who have a genuine talent for it. You know what I mean? And it's like there's good performance. You know what I mean? Like their eyes, they're like they're really selling it. And there's just like there's that technique part of it that's just, like, important.

Sometimes there's a lot of hot porn stars who you can tell just their heart is not in it. Just kind of phoning it in. You know what I mean? Well, Chris, they're probably doing a dumb one. After they get the facial, they're, like, looking off camera to see, it's like, are we done?

Yeah, they want the fucking hell to be over. I don't like that. You've had a bad set, though. You know what I'm saying? It's like are we done yeah they want the fucking hell to be like i don't like that you've had a bad set though you know what i'm saying like it's like the fourth show of a weekend you're tired you're kind of drinking and people judge you for a whole life on that they're like yeah whose eyes weren't in it it's like yeah dude i'm tired i'm in bridgeport i'm not i'm not on my third scene of the day yeah i was still coking a hilton and cleaning yeah i do not feel like blowing this dude the way i want to yeah it's a lot i don't know i try i like it's weird because my wife is like kind of the only woman i've ever been with yeah yeah i like met her when i was 18 wow and

then we just stuck it out all the way until now 26 nice and uh it's it's great because she's enthusiastic she's an enthusiastic lover yeah but she But she doesn't have the expertise of some of these other things. Right. And so I'm like, okay, how do I introduce the foam? A hundred percent. How do you introduce the foam? Dude, I'm fucking, I hear you on this. Do I have to put soap in her mouth before?

That's my question. Is that too far? If I just go, hey, open up. No. You've got to pulverize Alka-Seltzer and coat your dick like a salt bag. Dude. There is. And there is like a real moment.

Like trying to explain what you want out of a blowjob can start to feel real gay real fast. Because you're like grabbing the dildo. You're like, no, no. Like. Yeah. You get real granular with the instructions. It's like, have you sucked a dick before? Yeah.

She's like, I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. No, but I did a lot of research. I know my way around a dick just through research. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been hanging with Tommy Pope, okay? And I've seen how his fans treat him. Why can't you be more like his fans?

Yeah, be like his fans. Yeah. Yeah, the salt and peppers. See you later, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you get the right amount of lube with the salt and pepper. The Indian burn? See you later. Hell yeah. What's the Indian burn? Which is what it is without the bubbles, you know what I mean? dude yeah if you if you get the the right amount of lube with a salt and pep the indian burn see

you later yeah yeah yeah which is what it is without the bubbles you know yeah oh that's a good point you gotta get a bubble up yeah yeah unless you get a little strain but there's there you're right there are so many factors it's it's intensity commitment eye contact genuine love and you know what i mean yeah Yeah. Like when I go clam diving. If you're mucking a barn on a Tuesday. What's going on? American pickers, dude. Change in pace. You know what I mean?

You want it to be like stairway to heaven. It's like it's got ups and downs. I've heard you're a loud lover. Is that true? I'm very loud. Well, not really. The who's just right here. My wall's right there. Oh, okay. So you have close friends. I'm not a loud lover i have friends in proximity it's really what it is yeah well he'll say shane will say different but he'll i can't yeah whatever probably is this what it sounds like when you have sex you're just like yeah it's not even sex noise.

It's just you kind of complaining. Hey, come on. We're back. What is that, a pizza crust? No, but also you get into the situation where, like, you want to tell your lover, which you should be able to. You know, like, a woman should be able to, like, not there, go up a little, not for the clit, but, like, inside. It's, like, not that much pressure. Like, she'll tell, she should be able to like not there go up a little not for the clit but like inside it's like not that much pressure like she'll tell me she should be able to tell you

openly without you being like i don't know it's great at this yeah you can only go so far as they be like put your you know what i mean i don't think that's as much of a factor as that like you just you want the other person to just know you You know what I mean? You want it to be more art than science. I'd rather have a blank canvas. And then you know all of that came from you. If a woman just knows all the tricks, you're like, how many bodies we talking? That's how I feel.

My wife fingers me. I'm like, do you cheat on me? What's going on? I mean, I'm enjoying it, but what's happened? How do you learn this? Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah if you watch something and then start taking risks they're like what the fuck did you what happened yeah yeah you go do you do you do happy hours on a navy yard how many cocks are you bopping off your head yeah have you ever been to a little massage situation you ever been to a parlor oh yeah oh really yes it's for the world to see it's on my this is not happening.

Oh, damn. It's about a whorehouse when I was 15. Was it a whorehouse or was it a parlor, a massage? I love that they call it a parlor. No, it's a straight whorehouse. Oh, okay.

Yeah, we call it a washy wash or wishy wash. Yeah, I said wishy wash. Yeah, I don't know why I get a lot of fucking people from Philly saying it's wishy wash. I just said washy wash

because they do bathe you. You get – Washy-wash makes more sense. Yeah, it does. Exactly. But wishy-wash is the only term I ever heard. That's probably because – are you getting bucket sponge of lukewarm water? No, no.

It's just what my Philly friends call it. I think the women that do it to you are kind of wishy-wash. I think that's why. Dude, I was going to say. They're a little like – There's a real neutral vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very mechanical. Yeah, it's reluctant. Yeah, yeah. They're a little like, all right. There's a real neutral vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very mechanical.

Yeah, it's reluctant. Yeah, that's what you want in a lover. There was this place on 1819 Randstead in Philadelphia. And you go down this back alley. I'm not going to do the whole fucking thing. But basically, you walk up the steps and they parade these women. But before the parade of women come out, which are all Asian women in different Easter colors, you know what I mean?

You sit in the waiting area. Dude, this is the best part. It's like Easter in Chinatown. It's just amazing. 100%. They're like under the dragon when they come. I'm just holding a firework and I got a heart on. You have a finger trap in your dick? You guys like this? It's dick? You're like, nice.

You guys like this. It's the year of the whop today. So then you sit down and you're just grouped in a little waiting area like this. They got SportsCenter playing. And this lady walks around with a tray of mini buds, ponies, pony cans. Really? Yeah. The eight ounce? It feeds bars or beers to all these fucking, youies, pony cans. Really? Yeah. The eight ounce?

It feeds bars or beers to all these fucking, you know, degenerates. Yeah. So it would be a 26-year-old, a 43-year-old, you know, 37-year-old, and then every range of, like, what they look like. You know, some fat plumber didn't take his belt off yet. But then you'd have regular, like, businessmen and shit, and then kids. Oh, I hate that. I don't want to be in a room with other dudes.

And then the mama's son, some old bat with fucking yoda tits comes pulling this train of pussy out and then you just select you're like all my buddies modern poet yeah come will you it's like whoa yoda tits at it again. Then, yeah. Then this bag of mushrooms takes you all the way to the back of the room, and you get unchanged. You get in a towel. You go to the sauna first. So when you get in the sauna, it's just me and, like, three other dudes,

and they're, like, kind of chit-chatting, but I'm so young. You go to the sauna first. Oh, I'm sorry. You go to wash first. So they take you to an open sponge room where, like, there's drainage. It's all marble. Yeah, yeah. And they have the actual massage chairs, right?

So you put your head down and it's all spongy. Massage table, yeah. Yeah, massage table. And then they have a bucket of lukewarm would be a positive. It's cold fucking. It's just a push broom. Yeah. Were you cleaning a carabas? I think you were actually doing a night shift, actually.

Did you say carabas? Fuck it. We'll go back to that. I like you a lot. I'm winning points. I don't even know it. Carabas, stay there. So she's washing me, and then you flip over.

It's the best, getting your butthole washed. You flip over, yeah, which is good. You should be washing these fucking pigs, you know what I mean? You guys are all naked in the room together? She's in lingerie, and I'm trying to fondle her boobs and stuff because I'm 15, dude. I'm like, what is this? And then I flip over, and my weird cold boner is like,

fucking not sure if he wants to take a left or a right. And then you get dried off. They put you in the sauna so you can air dry, and then she comes back to pick you up, brings you back in the room. The room is like weirdly lit. And there's a clock radio playing like fucking Lionel Richie in Scratch.

Yeah. It was like that cat clock on the wall. Yeah. Dude, it's bad. It's a dorm room with no art. It sounds like an acid trip, dude. It's all night long. What's happening? What was in the sponge? This one I'm excited about, Chris.

Okay. You know, we always have to lie, but I'm genuinely excited. I'm mostly excited about everything we get, for real. But this one, liquid IV. I know, dude. It actually works. If any household needs liquid IV, it's this one. And it fucking works. We burn through.

I know, that's the problem. We burn through. Dude, Shane gave us two bags of like 60. Yes. And they were gone in 30 days. Oh, my God. Because it works. It works.

Every time you feel a little bit sad about yourself, you liquid IV. I don't know if it's just placebo or what. No, it's not. That's my next point it's not placebo because the ingredients which i think i can go through in this in this thing but uh yeah it's it's the first thing i do before the gym and then i use the amino acids at the gym oh dude oh i go i went straight liquid iv at the gym well liquid iv is category winning hydration brand fueling your well-being and and their hydration multiplier is the one product you're missing with your daily routine in just one stick you get five essential vitamins and two times faster hydration than water

alone use it first thing in the morning before a workout and when you feel run down after a long night out and on long flights. Flights are big too. You can throw it in your carry-on because we're getting ripped in the Delta lounge at like fucking 7 a.m. Yeah. It's nice. Nice to pop on in a little water right next to some stranger.

Let them know that you've been hitting it hard lately. Dude, yeah. There's sometimes in the morning when you're hungover, the water's too much water. You know what I mean? What? You know what I'm saying? You mean the water's too... Yeah, you know what i mean what you know what i'm saying you mean the water's too it's too yeah you wouldn't you need a little bit of flavor but it's like you don't want

soda oh yeah gatorade's too much sugar yes it feels like you're a divorced dad yes so it's like i need flavor because i can't just keep hitting the water i that's and gatorade's too sweet for me in the morning yes it's too much yes it's too thick it's like yeah it's like orange juice without all the acid yeah and you know your your stomach has already been through hell from the night before it's festival season do you know that no coming up yeah when all the hippies dance and fucking in the desert and give each other stds yeah yeah so we call festival season we should go to burning man for what to murder yeah i couldn't last a fucking hour there well why yes i could yeah drugs i think you'd settle in i think you'd have some fun but i

does feel like i'd be so mad at everybody look at this fucking god yeah yeah yeah oh the whole time yes that would be a good podcast to go to go to burning man set up a table and just fucking demolish everybody that rolls by in a... I don't know, are they unicycles or some shit? Yeah, no, it is. It's like Mad Max for pussies. It's the devil stick capital of the world. I want to take just a hacky sack and jam it up some fucking corned dude's asshole.

You have to break through seven layers of pants he's wearing. They just got to make like a morning announcement. Just throw sticks at bicycles. There was another hacky sack incident last night. whoever's shoving hacky sacks up people look out for two men dressed normally it's festival season and planning for faster efficient hydration is essential liquid iv has you covered while you prep before power through the headliner recover after the weekend or just to forget about that ugly bitch you've accidentally slept with in a tent. You know how many accidental children

probably come out of those festivals? You know? Unwanted babies. Yeah. A lot of fish heads. Oh, fish heads. Coming out with like, yeah. That's where they're born.

Yeah, just full bushes on their pussies. Right out of the womb. Sorry about that. Yeah, yeah. It would be so funny to see a baby like that. No hair on their head, just a big bouffant bush.ffant bush it's like oh looks like we got another festival baby liquid iv hydrates two times faster than water alone and three times the electrolytes of traditional sports drinks there you go that's what i was saying about the aminos uh convenient packaging

this is what i love about like i said you just throw one. Look, I got cargo pants on right now. You know what I'm saying? Put a little couple IVs inside. You're bringing cargo pants back. These are new? These are new. I got them at Zara yesterday. I need some joggers that are comfortable on the couch

that I don't have to wear. Wow, dude. I don't have to wear dungarees. You like that color? It's nice, right? Like a mild olive. It is nice. You know, I honestly can't really tell the difference

between those pants and the shirt. That's how colorblind I am. Really? Yeah. All right. Well. It's almost the same color to me. These are the new flavors that are out.

Seaberry, which is new. Strawberry lemonade, new. I don't know how that got passed up on the original floor. Yeah, strawberry lemonade. Concord grape, lemon lime, pina colada, tropical punch, watermelon, strawberry, passion fruit, guava, acai berry. You ever had an acai bowl? Yeah.

You got to eat it on the toilet. It takes forever to get through one. Yeah. It's like a giant bowl of dessert. Yeah. And they're fucking huge. Yeah. If you can put one of those down, you have a problem.

What is acai? It's a berry that has magical powers. Yeah. That's the way it's pitched. I tried it once, and people eat it for breakfast, and it's literally the same person that gets whipped cream and blueberry sauce on their pancakes. If you're eating that in the morning, you were raised wrong.

I always wanted to be one of those people that ate a grapefruit for breakfast. My father did that a lot. Yeah, that's old school. Yeah, and he put sugar, like a layer of sugar. A little hard-boiled egg in that English holder. Yeah, he just cut the top off. Motivate your audience. You got damn right I will. One stick of liquid IV and 16 ounces

of water hydrates you two times faster and more efficiently than water alone. Contains five essential vitamins, B3, B5, B6, B6 b12 and vitamin c with three times the electrolytes of traditional sports drinks made with premium ingredients non-gmo and free from gluten dairy and soy so all you corny pussies can enjoy it at the uh festival during festival season liquid iv believes that equitable access to clean and abundant water is the foundation of a healthier world. I hope they're fucking dedicating themselves to opening wells in Africa then. You know? Get behind your fucking words.

You think they are? You think they're buying wells? I don't know. In Sudan? Where these children need accessible water? Yeah. When are they going to start just taking salt water and making it potable? I think you just boil it.

Oh, yeah? Well, that's like a complicated process yeah yeah so you're on a stranded island you don't just take a pail of that shit but you got to make like a plastic bag and the sun heats the water and it evaporates oh and the drop would come up yes and then that drops it's like making moonshine yeah is that how you make it yeah moonshine you got to burn in like a copper pot and the moisture comes off as pure alcohol and that falls into another container.

And then some hillbilly uses his last tooth to crack into it. They drink it like a wine punch can. Isn't it amazing the things humans have come up with? Yeah. Just to get, I mean, it's all about getting fucked up and having sex every invention we've ever needed yeah including getting to the moon it was about it's about armstrong wanting to get sucked off by some lady was shutting him down dude that was one of the creepiest things i ever heard someone say i was in a i was in a like a music den in detroit

and uh there's the weirdest guy ran this place and we were like sleeping there because we had nowhere else to stay and this guy just came in and sat down and started talking to us and he was like everything and everything in the world is about sex except for sex sex is about power jesus i was just like y yuck, man. Go away. Did he leave after that? No. It would have been sick if he just left after that. Dude, the conversation got too weird to talk about during the ad reads,

but it got weird and creepier from there. Do you know what those corny canvases we always talk about with the sayings, like live, laugh, love? Yeah. I told you I want to do that comment. I want to stencil on a fucking what is the creepiest most aggressive shit just one of the pink two in this thing real crude shit there's a market for that grab your liquid iv in bulk nationwide at costco where you can get 20

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You know, you just want to fucking. You know, i didn't know that viagra didn't like just immediately make you hard you gotta wait like an hour or some shit right i think you have to get horny what to activate the i think yeah i think i don't think that needs a special sauce you gotta watch porn while dropping viagra i think i yeah i I think you can just walk around like loaded for bear, but like not hard. I think you can do that. Buckshot in your pants? There's balls hanging.

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what was i got bronchitis or no pink eye oh eye. Oh, yeah, I got pink eye. And there was just like, I went to see, I was like, I might have pink eye. I had to shoot that thing. Yeah. And I was like, I can't have pink eye for this. And they were like, well, you need a prescription. I needed it. Rex MD. I spent, actually, it's not that expensive without insurance on that drug.

But I texted my- I'm not sure, yeah. I texted my sister-in-law who's a doctor. And I was like, yo, I got these pink eye drops at CVS. She's like, you just wasted $11. It's that they do nothing. They're like redness reducer, but they claim it's pink eye shit. Yeah.

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I do want to apologize to Rocket Money people yet because it's the first time I'm getting this read and also it's the first time I've been seeing it on TV and it's interesting. So I'm just going to go through because I don't have it. I don't use it. I don't think you do either because it's brand new. Rocket Money.

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$1,000 a year almost. $720 is the average savings. Jesus. That's crazy. Ling ling ling. So then she comes, she tells you to take your clothes off and you just lay there and wait. Waiting for that door to open back up. But she's

probably got another dude on deck so you get it could have been five minutes, it could have been thirty for how long I was fucking waiting. Yeah, it's like a doctor's office. Yeah. Yeah, then you get knocked around without any passion or, you know, it's a business. It's fucking strange at that age you're just like i was shitting myself every step of the way and like the the actual show on this uh comedy central is like i'm not playing quarterback jock in the in locker room there's no cool guy acting what i'm saying i'm

like telling them i'm like scared every single step completely shitting my fucking pants yeah and then you're like certainly the cops are gonna be in here at any moment oh yeah and it happened in especially in delco like they got there's a fucking fake nail salon that gets beaten down i mean we used to get texts in college going yo they took down that one in haverstown fucking somebody got clipped whoa like rossi got clipped and i was like, what? Does his wife know? Italian gangsters have gone downtown. They've really gone down.

Like just the idea like you got clipped. You're like, what? You're like, you got a rub and tug. And they found out. Like, what? You didn't kill anyone? You're like, nah, he came on his chest. And that was kind of it.

He got clipped. What is the penalty? I don't even know. It's just like a fine. Soliciting prostitution. You know, I know. But what's the actual? You lose your wife and kids. The fuck you mean? What's the penalty? I don't even know. It's just like a fine? Soliciting prostitution. You know, I know, but what's the actual, is it just like a- You lose your wife and kids. What the fuck do you mean what's the penalty? You don't go home to

fucking Ruth and be like, look, it's like, bye guys, goodbye guys. Yeah, I thought it was just a wash, okay? They called it a washy wash. That's really all it was. Yeah, let's call this, that's what he's trying to do. Let's call this a wash and let's move on. Look, I'll do the dishes tomorrow night. Did you ever go back

or was that the one and done? I went back to that one a second time like early 2000s. Because you thought maybe you got a bad read. You're like, yeah, I got it. No, I just knew I was 15. I didn't know how to handle myself. But now you're 17.

You're like, I got this. World War II, they had kids in trenches. They were shocked. You know what I mean? Yeah. The next time around, their next tour, they were leading the old men. Yeah. There you go.

That's you. You need a World War II reference in there for paying for Slit. Dude, it was like Vietnam. And by that, I mean the girl was Vietnamese. Yeah. She was stroking me up. I was actually telling Chris and Shane this last night on the Patreon, how like walking by those rooms, you see one room that's all sleeping bags.

There'd be another room that was like treadmills. So this was only for prostitution. This wasn't like a – some brothels I've been to, like you sit down, you have a beer, and like a lady will come over to you and be like, what do you want to just hang out here? You know, tip me, and then maybe there's a room upstairs you can fuck around at. There was this place, you know where this bar is. Westy's Pub off 676 exit. Westy's Pub. Yeah.

Just keeping that for later. On like 16th and Arch or something like that. Yes, yes. It's very close to that. Yes. Yeah. As soon as you come off, it's like an Irish bar. Yeah, yeah.

Above that was a brothel. So you'd sit in Westy's pub, have a beer. This door would open that was only accessible to the top, and girls would come out at a certain hour, and you would just get taken up, and I did that one once. Wow. Did you ever do this? Yeah, I've done it a couple times.

She's talking about yesterday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got – when Shane and I were in London once, I got – yeah, I got taken when shane and i were in london once i got yeah i got he got got i got monetarily dude every time i'm every time i'm in a strip club i get swindled how well he's a sweet boy it doesn't really know what's happening oh i feel that i'm the same way it's just like dude when we were in canada like i was like sitting there and the girl was dancing and she was like uh do you want me to come down there and i was like sure she just like sat on my lap for like 15 minutes and was like like not even doing anything and we were just talking just brushing your hair yeah

yeah and then she was like uh yeah that was three songs it's like 100 bucks it's like what yeah how do you not know this and i was like no i said i literally was like no what? What? How do you not know this? And I was like, no. I literally was like, no. And then like security started coming in. I was like, all right. Actually, yes. Actually, yes. I was goofing. You're unpunked.

I'm a goofing. Also, you told me a story about like a stripper asked you to come to your hotel room. Yeah. And then showed up was like, all right, well, where's my money? Because we're going to fuck. And you were like, I thought you just went to hang out with me yeah no way yeah he thinks he's that charming under the black lights and loud music well the thing was he's like i yeah yeah she was like she was like i never do this i want you to know that like i never do this this is crazy

and i was like yeah no this is crazy for me yeah i'm never a whore i also never do this and then she just sat around for a while and then was like do you want to pay me a bunch of money and i was like no and then she left oh she never paid her because there was no security yeah it was just at my hotel i was like what i that's crazy you're trying to negotiate be honest no were you like i get like a used car no i was literally just like oh no, no, I don't, no. I'm not doing that. Yo, this beer's from Zach White.

Shout out. She wanted a lot of money. What are we talking? Like two grand. Whoa. For what? For sex? Yeah, yeah.

$2,000? Yeah. That's a high-end hooker. She was hot. She was extremely hot. It's probably fine. She was extremely hot. No, you should have done that, dude.

That was a good deal. Actually, looking back, that was a great, that was a steal, actually. I don't know. I was like, compared to the London story. Yeah, dude. Sounds like he got beat like eight to ten grand with no sex. What? Sorry, Chris.

I'm throwing you on the floor. You're off. As I'm opening beer, I'm like, Tom, how are you? I'm right back. I got kicked in London. I made one mistake when I was 15, but go tell about this dramatic thing six months ago.

Dude, I'm literally biting the fucking hand, the pin off a grenade thrown in the... It was literally 5,000 pounds. Oh, this is fun. The woman you fucked? We didn't even fuck. You pay per pound? It's like the ground round, pay what you weigh.

It's an auction. It's a horse auction. It was crazy. I was going to say pig, but you can say horse it was crazy i'm gonna try this again dude shout out zach white this is fucking great dude six six uh six ipa four packs from and they billed me as like a plumbing and heating company or something i was looking at the transaction she pe pegged you? That's what that means, actually. If she wasn't your plumbing, that's actually. Yeah.

If this is. I'd like the HVAC package. This is Buckingham plumbing and cleaning. You got fucking rinse, baby. Bro, that's crazy. So wait, what happened? So some toothless chick was like, yo, let's cough it up. And she came to your hotel.

No, no, no. So like Shane and I went to this. We went like we went and we saw Chappelle. We like hung out with Chappelle. We went like, we went and we saw Chappelle. We like hung out with Chappelle. It was like the coolest shit ever. This was like, this was in January before the pandemic. So you're bordering on maybe the best day of your life so far.

Yes. And then, and then we like, we leave the show. This is so good, dude. What is it? Sorry, Chris. Sour ale. It's un-fucking-believable. I don't think I've ever liked a sour ale in my life. Guanabana tangerine and strawberry.

It's 7% ale. It's from Mortalis Brewing Company in Avalon, Avon, New York. That is fucking delicious. Pretty good. You want to try it? I don't think I can get a little sober with that one. Pretty good. That's wonderful.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's candy. It's objectively great. Oh, it turns out i'm an alcoholic this is really nice you are now that's the fact that you use my beer why am i shaking so bad you're gonna form into a gray alcoholic i'm actually 23 years old oh no no dude they just to wrap this story up real quick they fucking they had like this operation it was like literally just getting sucked into like a meat packing plant like it was

like we walked into the strip club shane they immediately separated shane and i we had three girls like around each of us like and they're like pushing us to the opposite that's how lions hunt you know that right yeah they separate the pack and they go for the weakest one. But anyway, your story. Yeah. Then they brought us. That's literally what was happening.

Like, and then within two minutes, like we were downstairs at these, like these tables, just like what felt like kind of like a regular bar and their tits are out. And they're like just feeding us cocaine. And we were just like, what the fuck?

I swear to God in 20 minutes, we both spent like 600 pounds. Cause they were just like, this is i swear to god in 20 minutes we both spent like 600 pounds because they were just like this is what it costs like on the back end they were just like you owe us this right now and there was like the meanest madam in the world so what are you paying like 50 pounds of fucking dude i i look are they are they don't give you like an itemized receipt they're just like yeah and also they're rounding up yeah there's just a number and or there's violence how how fast are the songs that's what you got to look into dude we talked about this they're playing one minute songs like wait a second they cut off it's like one verse one chorus yeah really see you oh yeah it is a different song but so they cut that they chop that no fuck that i'm like yo play

purple rain you know what i'm saying play something something with some distance. Nah, dude, they bring you right to a chop-on. They make your Mitsubishi Gallant into a fucking moped real quick, dude. Being a strip club DJ would be so fun. That'd be awesome. You're just cruising through the fastest tracks you can play. I told this story, I think, before when I did the... I did a week at... what the fuck was it? Reno.

Some comedy club in Reno. It was my first headlining weekend. And the opener, we're sitting in the green room. So I'm like, he was a great guy. Shifty. Kind of weird. You can say Jewish. It's okay.

You're allowed to say that. You're allowed to say that. I say it on every other episode. They know what I mean. This is an off week. Oh, yeah. Sorry. We're dog whistling. We're dog whistling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I's okay. You're allowed to say that. You're allowed to say that. I say it on every other episode. Now you know what I mean. This is an off week. Oh yeah, sorry. We're dog whistling. We're dog whistling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I slept well. Yeah, he had allergies. Anyway. The amount of sleep is like, it affects my anti-semitism.

You know how much I slept. Someone woke up on the right side of the bed. You know what I'm saying? Hey. How you doing? How you doing? Nice. I wish we had a producer to hit a fucking hi-hat. Yeah. Bop-pow. Yeah, so he gets done his set, and I was like, what else do you do?

Because I know hosts, they don't make money. You know, you're getting $35, $50 a show if it's a high-end shit. And he's like, oh, I DJ at a strip club. Do you want to come? And I was like, I couldn't get yes out of my face faster. Yeah. Because I was like, you're in a protected booth where the strippers like take water breaks.

You ever see a stripper go to a booth and it's like that meme of the lady at the Popeyes when they first released the chicken sandwich?

There's just a fucking pork leg in the mouth. It's so exhausting. Gervonta Davis in the fucking fourth round just like squirted water

in her mouth. Putting Vaseline on her forehead she's like alright I'm good I feel like it's steel paddles keep hitting them you're gonna get them on this one a DJ booth is like a fucking recharge booth for like your cell phones

when you go to like a you know a place you can just plug it in lock it up so I was like I'm absolutely doing this it was on the second floor too so these strippers would just keep coming up and coming up, saying hi. They're like, what's up, Gary?

And, you know, whatever the fuck his name was. And same thing. Just drugs. Just highfalutin. Beautiful women. Coming up to this DJ booth box. And I'm like, this is a fucking dream job. But then you see them in high-end places.

And they're the biggest scumbags you can ever imagine. Oh, really? Well, they take this job just for the pussy. And I've talked, I've spoken to like three or four of them

in my time. Yeah, job interviews? Not at strip joints. Job interviews? Yeah, yeah. Mostly at sandwich shops. Yeah. But they all like,

yeah, they run through the strippers. They'll date one for like three months. They date another one for three months. Whoa. Because you just mingle with these hotties and you have time to like get to know each other.

And then they don't think you're like trying to fuck them like all these other scumbags. You slow play it because you got a job there. Yeah. I can't. We can't do this. You should see this. The strip club DJ in Canada was the funniest dude ever

because he did none of the like, like gentlemen give it up for the beautiful candy or whatever he did none of that he was just like oh buddy oh naked ladies oh naked ladies everywhere. We got a rocket coming up, bud. We got a real rocket coming to the stage, guys. Get your loonies out, guys. This is going to be crazy, boys.

Well, dude, that's the other thing. They don't have singles, so it's just like. You're going to crow hop a loonie in the forehead. You're flicking a nickel at this girl's forehead. Meanwhile, you see her skull later in life. You're like, what the fuck happened to her head? It's misshapen, dude. She's got the queen on her fucking forehead.

On the side of the stage, they have those little coin ramps. Yeah. Like at the science center, you spin it around. It goes in her ass. You're like, nice, dude. Just bopping coins over her head like Plinko and Price is Right. Bro, I almost got kicked out of a strip club one time for doing that, kind of. Being aggressive with the toss?

No, yeah, sort of. I didn't know. It was like my first time ever at a strip club. And I thought it'd be funny. Like they put like a bowl in the middle of it for people to like throw dollars into, like a bucket. And so I was balling them up

and then doing like fadeaway jumpers from the line. I liked it. And I did it for the whole night, like even after they moved the bucket away. So like some girl would just be giving it her all. And I was just like fucking putting like sky hooks. Just like, I was, I was Elijah one. I was like throwing them up.

Yeah. And I probably put up like probably close to like 28 points in the third quarter and they cut me off. They were like, dude, you can't do this anymore. And then, and then the, the others, I i always i like going to strip was just like fuck around like it's just like so fun hanging with the boys it's like so great and i i'm much more respectful i didn't realize the the rules but one time we were at 2001 space odyssey in tampa that's a strip club there's a strip club that's literally they bought a ufo that they put on top of the

building the same exact name i don't know there's a legality issue there i don't know dude you know guys are like yeah i just went to watch a movie i don't know if they consulted the watch the space come on baby baby you've been watching that movie every saturday night for 30 years there's layers to it. You don't understand. Yeah, yeah. Every time I watch it, I see something different. Exactly.

It's also, like, not a horny movie. It's, like, a high concept. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's the point. Yeah, but you just, you know, they're crushing the rock. And at the very beginning, you're like, oh, this is kind of good. You know what I'm saying? But, no, we're there, and they've literally built a spaceship

that they put on top of the strip club. And then you can go to the top of the spaceship and like do lap dances allegedly I don't know and I was in there and what I like to do is like to take the crisp dollar bills And I like to build like houses out of it So like they have a table up against the stage and I built a house out of ones wait on the like Were you balancing them like cards literally? So like I would take a question. You know, I don't want to brag I would take a couple. I would bend the corners

and then you lay some on top and then you build a couple others like build the corners and I got it pretty high and then Stripper came over and literally it's on the stage and like in the middle of the song

the song's going it's like Lil Jon everyone's going crazy and then she just does a split. Boom! Nails the fucking tower and destroys it and then takes all the money.

And I was like, I got my money's worth. That was pretty good. Yeah, right? 10 bucks. Do you like inventing new ways to be rude to servers? Damn. You bring like a Millennium Falcon Lego set and just start putting it together.

Also, like, fuck her, dude. Like, what if he had like severe autism, this fat titted bitch just smashing his dreams? That's what I'm saying, bro. I have trauma from 9-11. And I'm like, really? You're going to destroy a tower right in front of me? This is fucked up.

I did not appreciate that. Yeah, I was six on 9-11. You know what this does to me? Yeah, seriously, dude. But yeah, no, I feel like I'm getting better with the etiquette. I didn't realize. I think that's actually fun. You know what, Dad?

I like that. I like that a lot. You got to mix it up. Portland strip joints are by far the most chill. You've been to that vegan spot? Yes, and I've also been to the one around the corner from Helium. There's one like within like a half mile. And they're all, the way they do it is like it's the most hipster shit, obviously.

But they have individual stages where the girls will work. And then you just hang out with your friends. So it's just entertainment. It's like a TV on in a sports bar. And if you sit along their private stage, you owe them at least a dollar per song or something like that, which you would anyway. But if you're not into that and they don't walk around nudging you

like a lot of these fucking places, there's like a table. You can just hang out with your boys, drink some beers. Obviously, tip them on your way out if you're not going to the individual bars you can still give them money yeah that vibe is so fun yeah because like you're not there for creepy you know it's about the handjobs over your khakis it's about like yes it's about what is the art it's about the art yeah it's like it's like a musical kind of in a way yeah yeah yeah you ever been to the claremont lounge no this is in atlanta in atl. Yeah. Yeah. You ever been to the Claremont Lounge? No.

This is in Atlanta. In Atlanta. Yeah. Is this like the famous one with the wings? This is, I don't know. The best wing in the world. People go there. I mean, the girl was pretty fat.

I don't know if you call them wings, but like she, she. No, there's a spot. I don't mean to cut you off. No. There's a spot in Atlanta where the wings are so good that people don't even go in to see the girls. They order the wings, pick them up. That's just a convenient excuse. No, it's not, dude. A hundred percent true. It's like reading in to see the girls. They order the wings, pick them up. That's just a convenient excuse.

No, it's not, dude. A hundred percent true. It's like reading Playboy for the articles. Oh, kick it to the comments. No, babe, the wings are there. The wings are like... Yeah, the wings, baby. Dude, I'm telling you.

Even every, like, there's celebrities and professional basketball players that would admit they go to a strip club because they can and they're kids and they can have fun. Yeah. And they're like, no, no, I just stop by and pick wings up. Not that they would never go there, but they're like, the wings are fucking free.

No, Claremont is apparently a place for that. Yeah, I mean, that's a different level of sadness. You're like, Dad, what are we doing for dinner? And he's like, strip club tonight. That's just like a level of cuisine. You're like, we got Italian, we could do Chinese, we could do strip club, we can do any of those. Strip club wings.

No, the Claremont lounge i think is like magic city magic city magic city wings are apparently fucking i never heard of this place yeah but i did hear this you never heard of that no every rap song magic city on a month dude look at this this is from eater right eat her what is it called eaters a popular uh strip club website i mean look at the strippers hands on the walking wings lou williams made national news in 2020 for breaking the league's quarantine bubble to visit the world famous atlanta strip club magic city not for the performers but for the food people scoffed and disbelieve i remember because this quote i remember watching espn the next day and it kind of really annoyed me at one point, says Nick Love, who served at the club's brand manager

from 2017 until 2020 when the pandemic hit. All the pundits were like, yeah, yeah, wink, wink. He went to the club for the food and everybody in Atlanta was like, yeah. This is one hell of an article, dude. Atlanta residents have known the strength of Magic City Kitchen, the club's affiliated restaurant, for decades, long before the recent media

fixation on the signature seasoning. Despite the joking winks and smirks from out-of-towners, they're never shy about grabbing a late lunch and early evening dinner or delivery or pickup orders from the institution. Nice. You guys always do a news break on the show? No. That's the first time I've ever done this. Honestly, that's the best reading I've ever seen you do.

I took it out! Did I talk like you? I took it out. What's the best reading I've ever seen you do. I took it out! Did I talk like you? I took it out. What's the problem? But no, Claremont Lounge, this girl would do stunts. This chick would go and she would smash beer cans with her boob. She would do tricks. Yeah, that stuff's more like a mascot, dude. I was so impressed. I was like, I'll pay a card.

Do you take card? I'll Venmo you. This is amazing. I was so impressed. Isn't there a I'll pay card. Like, do you take, I'll Venmo you. This is amazing. I was so impressed. Isn't there like a lady with a peg leg and shit too? Yeah, I think so. There's like all kinds of like weird. It's like, it's a freak show, right? Yeah.

It's like, they prefer sex worker, but yeah, you can use any term you want. It's like a Ripley's Believe It or Not for whores. It is. Yeah. Ripley's Believe It or Not for Whores. Come on. I'm rebranding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You need that, honestly. Thank you. I used to go to Ripley's all the time as a kid. That was like my favorite spot. I wanted to go in LA last time I was there, and I fucking, I dropped the ball. What's even in there? It's just all freak shit. The best stuff.

Yeah. When I was a kid, I got every Ripley's Believe It or Not book. Believe it or not. Me too. Yeah, I did. Me too. I fucking loved it. Were you a Guinness guy?

Guinness. Book of World Records. You fucking alcoholic. Come on, dude. I'm trying to talk about World Records. And he's like, I'll have a pint of it. I was like, you're getting fucked up and going, that's nuts. Yes, of course.

We had that. You can't go to Ripley's without a Guinness, dude. It's just the only way to do it. I thought he was questioning, like, how much do you love it? Like, do you go Guinness, too? But it's like, I'm not opposed to it. Angel Day, are you kidding me? Drop ass and go to Ripley's?

You're like, bro, this place is awesome. You're like, hey, buddy, you're in the parking lot still. He's like, oh, my bad. I was enjoying this. Yeah, Ripley's is just a freak show of, like, all, like, actual. Fattest man. Yeah, weird shit like that. Yeah, it's crazy. Back in the day, he

was like the preeminent like journalist. Like he was like a world traveler. And now it's just like a sideshow for like tourists to like look at weirdos. Like that's how it started. So you gotta follow the money. Yeah, I guess. I'm sure like in the 40s or 30s or whenever the fuck this guy lived, he probably, you know,

he made his way to like London and found like a little midget sitting on a stool and he was like, what the fuck is this? We gotta get this guy lived. He probably, you know, he made his way to like London and found like a little midget sitting on a stool and he was like, what the fuck is this? We got to get this guy's picture. Yeah, it's just like, but I feel like some of the stuff he found was just like average shit.

Little person. I'm sorry. It's little person. Little midget, actually. Okay, yeah. We found this on the web. Yeah. I actually have a Google alert

for midget. Every time someone says it, I do it. I thought you reprogrammed Siri to respond to midget. Exactly. Yo, midget. Yeah. What's the temperature I do it. I thought you reprogrammed Siri to respond to midget. Exactly. Yo, midget. Yeah. What's the temperature outside? Siri, don't you fucking lie to me. What's a midget?

We don't use that term anymore. Woke bitch. But yeah, I feel like some of the Ripley stuff is just like him going to other countries being like, they got black guys over here. And you're like, yeah, we know now. He's just pointing at completely normal. His buddies probably thought he was losing his fucking mind.

You know, he's getting a letter back from like another fucking continent. If you went to like three different cities back in the day, you were like world traveler, renaissance man. They were like, holy shit. Dude, I say this all the time too. If you go to PA, that's why they call it fucking pencil tucky. You go 30 minutes left at... 30 minutes left.

You go 30 minutes left. 30 minutes west. You're doing old fucking... You go left a little. Yeah, you go left. 30 minutes. What's the problem? Chase the other old shit, you fucking idiot.

You turn into O'Hara's. You keep going down, you'll find it. Do I take 76 left or right? You'll see the Carrabbas turn left there. Hey, I see you. Call back. But yeah, it's like it's a whole different culture. There's like Puritans and fucking Amish.

You guys ever go over there? Germans. Like to see the Amish? Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. You document it in your travels? We had a town called Midgetville and Satanville within like 20 minutes.

Lay off, Siri. It's okay. We're going to let this one go. Where you go to this town, this is early on Stuff Island where I talked about this. Yeah. So maybe our new listeners have no idea. But it was a town specifically built for little people. So the houses were small.

And it was like a... Somebody called me out when I said this. They didn't believe it. And the comments fucking proved it because they used to go there. And if they see you and you're not a little person driving through and like chuckling all drunk in high school, like me and my friends,

you get fucking rocks tossed in the car. Yeah, they throw candy canes at you. Wait, really? Speak to the light. Yeah, you'll get a Keebler cookie through the windshield. You've got to dodge those things. Those are rough. Dude, fudge ripple.

Come at me. You guys open your mouth. You're like, I needed that, actually. That's going to sober me right up, dude. You ever been crow-hopped a fudge stripe through the front, the back of your Jeep window? It's hard to show that to your insurance. You're like, what happened?

You're like, look, there was a lot of... We went to Oz, basically. And they were not happy. The lollipop king assaulted us. It would be funny if the whole town is just shoots and ladders. Dude, I love... I fucking loved Candyland

growing up. The sight of that board just brings so much joy to my heart. Yeah, bro, it was the 40s. Like, what else are you guys going to do? You're like, we would play Jacks. I'm Oh, yeah, dude. Just the sight of that board just brings so much joy to my heart. Yeah, bro. It was the 40s. Like, what else are you guys going to do? You know what I'm saying? You're like,

we would play jacks. I'm like, yeah, I'm sure you did. Dude, I still don't understand jacks. No, me neither. Or pick up sticks. Pick up sticks were great.

Pick up sticks. Just the poorest game, really. Yeah. That's what makes us fucking funny, dickhead. Yeah, my bad, my bad. That's what I hate about, like,

Tootsie Rolls and Hershey kisses. I can't Fucking hate them. Wait It's like don't offer me a Hershey. Do you know what they're doing with candy now? It's like don't give me a Hershey. Nah, classic's nice. You want a chocolate drip? Mmm. What you feel like it's like too artificial? It's old timey candy. Do you know what I got today? I got some fucking sour, you feel like it's too artificial? It's old-timey candy. Do you know what I got today? I got some fucking sour punches. Hold on. Tell them it's a candy. Mark, here's what you don't know about it.

I love candy. I love candy. Here's what you don't know about it. It's two dogs barking in the mirror. Halloween, early October, early April. I am in happy spirits. Yeah, I forget about the Jews for a little bit because it's Easter candy time

and it's Halloween. Let me go get it. You don't have to skip over there. I mean, he literally just skipped off camera. I don't know if you guys saw that, but he clicked his heels when he got past the door. I've never seen that before. The last time I saw him this happy was 20 minutes ago when he got 12 beers.

Tommy brought back these things that are like gushers covered in nerds. Oh. It's fucking insane. They're nerd bites, but it's a gummy. It's candy fentanyl. They're gummy, but they're rolled in nerds. You get like an extra crunch on the outside,

and then once the nerds dissipate, now you get a fucking whole new experience. Bro, we're going to see you on Kensington nodding off. We're like, was it heroin? You're like, Laffy Taffy. They got me with the jokes. Now I'm looped in with the fucking sugar forever. He's a wack, you know. Come on, baby.

Here we go. Sorry about that. Chris, you want to go? I'll dabble. Oh, a sour punch straw. You ever actually use these as a straw, though? No. Oh, yeah. These are great.

These are just little strips of sour powers. Yeah. Oh, okay. What's the all-time best bodega candy? Don't fuck this up. Haichu is up there because the consistency is fucking outrageous. That's culture, dude. You've been to Japan?

Japan's nuts. Pocky? Well, you're not allowed to say that. Pocky? Bro, that's a slur. That's why you got to rinse for all that money, bro. If you were over in London and you said that, you're not allowed to say that anymore.

How good is that? That's just a code word. You're just going to ruin your IPA. It was already ruined. Come on, man. Oh, yeah. That'll do it. That'll do it.

You're going Haichu. You're on a road trip. You pop into a Wawa. You're going Haichu. On a nightly basis. No, I'm going spiders. It's gummy spiders. What is that?

A little spider. He's talking about trolley. Trolley has the best. Yeah, we go brand name over here. Yeah. You're going to be giving me ambiguous candy. Oh, here you go.

No one else is making a spider candy. Here we go. The best gummy? Yep. Haribo. Respect. Respect.

And then Trolley. Trolley's got some revolutionary flavor combos and shapes. They fell off, but they've been pushing the envelope a lot. 100%. Trolley has a really good cand got some revolutionary flavor combos and shapes. They fell off, but they've been pushing the envelope a lot. 100%. Trolley has a really good candied egg.

That's fucking fantastic. Wow. They have like, what do you call it? Like rose tint to them. They're like light pastel colors. Fantastic inside. Reminds me of your washy wash with the Koreans. Yeah.

That's exactly what it looks like. A parade of pastels. A parade of warts. I'm back in it, baby. It's an extra shake candy shell. You're like, why am I hard right now? My go-to is always a chocolate with consistency. And like, dude, I'd like to fucking.

I like classics. If I go classic, I'm going almond Snickers. Almond Snickers? Bro. Is that a classic? Trust me. No, I mean Snickers is classic, but I'll go almond on the classic. What, are you watching your weight?

What's going on, dude? Fuck no, dude. You going through something? I destroy candy. But almond Snickers, I feel like... Yeah. I like... Classics, I like...

I'll fuck with Rolo. I used to fuck with... Whatchamacallit? Whatchamacallit, yes. Whatchamacallit nowadays, Chris, hasn't held up because things are so fucking nuts. Like Nutrageous on Reese's?

Send you, baby. Yeah. Dude, the Reese's Easter egg to me is the perfect candy. You gotta get them in season, though. You know why? Because there's a punch up in the peanut butter

and there's a thin chocolate syrup. Bingo. It's the ratio. it's the ratio. It's the ratio, like a perfect cheeseburger. I don't want too much fucking bread and I want the beef to outweigh the burger. And we don't need a tomato at all.

Fuck Addy. Who has a tomato on a burger? Yeah. It's asinine. That was the fucking worst. Getting a sandwich on like a lot, like either a field trip or like a road trip. I don't know if you ever like played sports or anything.

Yeah. Yeah. Where it's like, they would get sandwiches and they would you know it's like by the time you eat them they're fucking seven or eight hours old

and there's a tomato on there the tomato is just it's seeped into everything yeah it's starting to sprout and shit it's like a whole nightmare it looks like a newspaper on a step after rain

it's just like get this and you gotta pull it in like seven directions yeah there's an ecosystem growing you don't need all that shit it's white that's the fucking reason

tomatoes need to be eaten within three or four minutes of being sliced And you got to pull it in like seven directions. Yeah, there's an ecosystem growing. You don't need all that shit. It's white. That's the fucking reason. Tomatoes need to be eaten within three or four minutes of being sliced. It's like a nice sushi. The second it gets laid down, it's like fresh cut. Yeah. You got to eat them like a Sicilian grandfather. You just take them off the fucking vine. We used to do this growing up.

My father grew his own tomato plants. And you just salt right on there, eat it like a fucking apple. Well, you've had real tomatoes then. Yeah. That's the issue. Like, I grew up in Florida. We would get legit tomatoes from like a mockley. Yeah.

Like nice shit. Yeah. And then you go anywhere else, and the tomatoes are just like. Jersey's known for their tomatoes. I don't believe it. Dude, Jersey. I don't believe it.

Jersey tomatoes are very famous, my friend. I don't believe that for a second. You know what? You're about to get your hair cut. You've been real fucking snarky. i think i think jersey is one of the best states in general yeah like for best states for what it's i think if you know anything about chris i think it produces the best people what yeah yeah that's insane yeah Yeah, dude. It's literally some of the best people are south. The worst people are in the middle.

North is in between because you need wealth and it usually comes with a little. No other state lives in New York's shadow and gets shit on like New Jersey. As they should. They're right next to it. I know, but that's why I'm saying those people, like every dude in Jersey is fucking crazy.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't think a big Jersey is because a lot of it is all sticks and mountains like PA. Dude, it's also, it's like New Zealand. Yeah, it's an ecosystem. There's every conceivable landscape. Jersey's like New Zealand.

Dude, I'm telling you, there's farmland, there's nice beaches. Where are you vacationing this summer by the way? I was curious about that. Oh, you're going to South Jersey. Me and my girl, we get a flight to Newark and we go to Jersey and that's what we do. You know it's an hour and a half train.

You never do JFK to Newark? It's an hour train. And everyone's so excited. You go to JFK to Newark? That's my favorite flight. It's an hour train. Because you get on the flight, and everyone's so excited. You know what I mean? You get on JFK to Newark, and everyone's just sitting there. They got their hats on. They're all like, oh, my back. Everybody's backs like, ah, shit.

That's exactly who would do that joke. I bet that guy was in fucking Jersey. A hundred percent, yeah. He was at a Long Island, like you said, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's probably some old fucking... He drove a Lincoln. Yeah.

Yeah, fucking drove a Lincoln. I used to be the foreman, but I don't want that kind of responsibility, so now I just hang around the young guys and do popping jokes. I mean, look at this tweet. Look at this tweet. Look at this. You see this meme?

It's racially insensitive. That's all it is all day long. Yeah, nonstop. They just pass along racist tweets. Yeah, it's amazing. It's amazing. I love it. So do I.

Shout out to the electricians. It's the best safety union. Yeah. All right, do I. Shout out to our electricians. Best save the union. Yeah. All right, did I get a piss? Are you sticking around for the page? Yeah.

I'm hanging. I'm hanging. I'm hanging. Let's fuck.