Stuff Island - Stuff Island #8 - the cum tower w/ Kevin Ryan

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

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We're not starting. What? We're not starting with that. Man, you got a nice head on that. Dude, you just came out so angry. And that's how you start. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, you came out with key bump vibes, for sure.

I mean, don't! We're not fucking starting! We ain't starting like this! We ain't fucking starting! Dude, you can't say that. Because the fucking, the chats are already on board with... The chats know what's up, dude. They always think I'm on nose beers, and it's just,'s my natural ability sure i know to shock people yeah my ex always used to say like the

way you enter a room and scare strangers because i'll just you know the dog goes running yeah no i'll pat somebody on the back like how you doing but and they just like you know yeah shutter a little bit are you patting or are you hitting no i don't i'm not a big slapper dude i'm not a slapper i grew up with my my brothers and my dad were huggers were emotional huggers i hate when you hug another guy and they feel they feel weird about it so their only way to get around it they're just like hey don't bow good to see you it's like why are you burping that's kind of me a little bit depending on who it is yeah. I come from a very cold family. Yeah, I bet you.

I was just going to say, you are just- It's cold as ice over there. You are objectively the more trash half of Are You Garbage? Yeah, for sure. We were real new money. My parents grew up- I was talking to my mom over Christmas. I didn't realize she was dirt poor. One of nine, Kensington, cop salary, grandmother didn't work. She was like, I've only been of nine, Kensington, cop salary. Like grandmother didn't work.

Yeah. And she was like, I've only been, I went to a restaurant one time. And she goes, one time, it wasn't my communion. No, it was my communion. And I go, and she's like, I was like, they took you all? She goes, no, they just took me and it was a diner. I'm like, oh, you were like crazy poor. Yeah.

I always boasted about going to Olive Garden for my high school graduation. Mm-hmm. I walked in. I was like, Dad, you're taking six of us to Olive Garden? Yeah. This is a big fucking deal. I know. Olive Garden was always...

I think I went to Olive Garden like twice. We were an Applebee's family. Yeah. Like through and through. Well, that's the second tier. Birthdays, everything. And then... Olive Garden is a pure kiddo.

My mom and my stepdad for their anniversary and their birthdays, they would go to Outback and the kids would stay home. Like, dude, even now. Now I have some money. I'm like, god damn, Outback. First time I went to Outback was my brother Steve's birthday and I stole all the steak knives in one of the leftover tents. Of course. For his house because he just got

a new apartment. Happy birthday. I couldn't afford anything so I thought this was like a good housewarming gift. I got you nice knives from the restaurant. Now you're part of this misdemeanor congratulations love the place to get a rest on the way home from a fucking steakhouse we went to diners every once in a while after church as a reward for getting through church yeah we go to a diner and get you get like a little cap and crunch you want to cereal the diner that's what you got yeah i got

a little did your dad talk you into this? They wouldn't allow us to buy Cap'n Crunch for the house. Why wouldn't you get pancakes or something special? Cap'n Crunch was special. That little box? Dude, that thing sucked. That was like two spoonfuls. That's been on the shelf for decades.

Get the fuck out of here. I like the little box. No one's pushing the Cap'n Crunch to restock that. No one's buying Cap'n Crunch. I like the little box. Like what you get on an airplane. No one's pushing the Captain Crunch to restock that. No one's buying Captain Crunch. It was novelty to me. I liked mini football helmets. That's what it was on the shelf, too. Novelty.

It wasn't supposed to be consumed. That box was all dusty and shit. I loved it. Hey, Carol. Yeah. The small Mick in boots four wants Captain Crunch. Exactly. I felt like a giant tearing the box open.

I'd bring out the little bag pop it open it was amazing we never went out to like dinner anywhere yeah we didn't even go to like Outback or anything we like never

never you remember the biggest splurge don't say that we're past that episode you know what alright don't even

he thought egg noodles would spice up a chicken bar it does it's the most i mean it's the most ridiculous i don't even think i've ever had egg noodles yeah they're coming in a bag at the bottom of the shelf in the grocery store right yeah again they shouldn't be consumed they're there for novelty yeah you're bottom of the shelf people i'm picking up on that yeah you know like during christmas you're not eye level you're not you're not you're not grabbing the shit at all my parents i think had the same thing that your parents had going on where it was like their their parents were like depression era sure yeah yeah so they didn't do anything

and my my mom's dad was also a cop so it was like cop salary but so and i think he was doing okay but it was still like we're not spending money on anything yeah and they still have that vibe where they're just like my dad was was the opposite. My dad got money. He was like a steam fitter in the union and then like started his own business. And then like that started cooking a little bit. I think like on in his head, it was cooking more than it was cooking on paper. You know what I mean? Like, I think he was just like, oh, this job costs, you know, they paid us $500,000 to do this job. He's like, that $500,000 is mine.

I'm like, no, looking by, it don't work like that. You owe that money. You owe $480,000. You may be made 20. You know what I mean? Uh, it's like, they would like come and take the cars and shit in the middle of the night.

Your parents' cars? Yeah. Because he wasn't paying his bills. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause he didn't have the money.

And he was just like the king of like, ah, yeah, I'll get it. I'll square up with you next month. I'll square up with you next month. And finally they were like, let's take the Lincoln.

Yeah, the Lincoln. They would come get the Lincoln. They would come get the Lincoln. I knew this motherfucker was driving a Lincoln. Only a scumbag like that goes, you know what? We're going off right now. We're getting a Lincoln. It was Jeeps for a long time.

It was every Jeep Cherokee for years. That is such a white trash Jeep. And then he bumped up to the aviator and I, dude, I would drive that when I was like 16 and I'm like, yo, I'm the coolest fucking dude. And then like three days later, I'm like, where's the car at? I don't know. Trash people growing up in like fucking Chrysler

LeBaron's. They go to bed at night going, one day I'm going to have a Lincoln. I'm getting a Lincoln for sure, dude. It's like a spaceship. I'm going to go into debt so somebody can take the hands off my hands. Yeah, it was crazy. It was a lot of that. It's like a spaceship. I'm going to go into debt so somebody can take the hands off my hands. Yeah, it was crazy. It was like,

it was a lot of that. It was a lot of smoke in here and we don't speak anymore. We haven't spoken. You and your parents? Me and my dad. Yeah, I haven't spoken in like- He'll come back around

when he sees how much money AYG's doing. Like, Kev, you want to go to Ray Kev? What's this Patreon thing everybody's talking about? That's my money. You want to go for a bike ride

because they took all my cars. You know how many Lincolns you can get? What are they going to do to get in this aviator? Yeah. Yeah, so I don't, we haven't,

the last time I saw him was in a Wawa parking lot, actually. Is he sleeping there? And we iced each other. Like, we just, I was walking out, he was walking in.

That's a dynamite move. Dude, that's like, that is how dirtbag Philly trash we are. I iced him at a Wawa. I didn't even hold the door or nothing. I just, right by each other. Did you go red? Like, what was like, that is how dirtbag Philly trash we are. I iced them at a while. I didn't even hold the door or nothing. I just right by each other. Did you go red?

Like, what was your internal feeling? You probably had tingles, right? I was just kind of like, I want to see what he does. I was like, because I'm going to ice him. I can ice. I can, you know, I can. You've already cut that off. Yeah, I'm like, I can go.

I was like, if he goes, hey, what's up? I might do it. You know, hey, good to see you and keep it moving or whatever. Yeah. We weren't going to do a stop and chat. And then he just, we just, I think he picked up like oh he's gonna fucking ice me yeah so he's like i'm not extending the olive you think he's afraid like physically what you would do i don't think so yeah no i don't know he was always a he's a steam fitter yeah he's a he was

a bad dude he can work with his hands you know he was that means he's got two fucking bear paws yeah he was in the steam fitters knuckle. It's outrageous. They just keep growing like a child's hand. Dude, even in two adulthood. It's thicker. He would try to fight people like constantly.

Yeah, my uncle raised like that. He would be like, I got one more left in me. Do you want it or whatever? And you're like, oh, fuck.

Well, every time they drop a wrench or like snap their hand, they just go, and it builds up for years. Just anger. One day. No,

if someone's not going to hold the door for me, wah, wah. And I'm going gonna make a mess of their face dude he almost got he went after this dude at uh at a super fresh uh deli counter because the guy didn't take a number and my dad was like i'm standing up for society you know what i mean like this is he's like you're gonna cut in front of fucking everybody guys like oh who do you think you are outside right away my dad goes let's go outside yeah and he told me he's like, oh, who do you think you are? I'm gonna get outside. Right away, my dad goes, let's go outside. And he told me, he's like, always remove the audience

because the tough guy will be a tough guy in front of the people that are there. They change their tune when they get outside. I don't know what you did to fuck this up,

but I'm on Mr. Ryan's side. 100%. He's a wacko, for sure. My pop was like that. His whole social interactions with strangers was to teach lessons. Oh, yeah.

So if someone was being a jerk off on 76 or 95, he would have all three kids without seatbelts. Sure. And my mom in the car, and he'd be like, I'm going to cross this dude's bumper by a 16th of an inch. He's going to learn. And I'm going to learn him something. I'm going to learn him something. Steve, Steve, she's white knuckling in the front seat. The kids are in the car.

Yeah. And my dad's like, fuck them. My dad's approach was the exact opposite. He was like, basically... Follow him home and kill him at night? I'm going to get his address and go when he's sleeping. If he had to do it, that's how he'd do it. The old Connecticut sniper.

No, his whole approach was like, the rest of the world is insane. Yeah. Get involved with it as little as possible yeah and he made you right right it's like don't yeah don't get involved with me how to make a cereal now i'm benign that's a weird way to say that i'm benign that's so like fucking medical well you gotta check in with me every couple years Couple years No I'm benign Couple months

One time I remember I start getting a weird outline I can Metastasize I'm gonna say The street Vermont and Marshall Looking at the Wawa

Where'd you grow up Cheswell Road Drexel Hill Drexel Hill okay And I remember This guy in front of me Was pissing him off He was doing like

The break sees kind of game Break sees You know what I mean He was going like a break-seize kind of game. Break-seize. You know what I mean? He was going, well, fuck. Guys, give me the break-seize. So there I am, feeling like a jerk-off. This guy's doing a break-seize. I said that in my head.

What a cute word for this guy who's about to get his head bashed in. I was like, that's doing the break-seize. Meanwhile, I'm eating a box of Captain Crunch in the backseat. Gnawing up the roof of my mouth for three weeks. Patsy, he's giving me the brakes. And he just, all he did was go, he just unclicked the seatbelt once we got to the red light. And I thought it was like the baddest thing in the world. Because of course my mom went fucking bananas.

She knew what he was going to do. He cracks the door a little bit. And then the guy just pulled off. But he was ready, like think about how white trash that is. Yeah. Your kids are in the car. He was ready just to fight someone in a busy intersection yeah because he was doing breaksies don't you ever do breaks see i'm getting a sense that your dad is a good sense for theater

that's good theater the slow unbuckling of the belt or it's he's been in that situation many times do you think he was really gonna get out there and hit that i've seen my dad fight that's that's a real at a stoplight no I've seen my dad fight. That's a real... At a stoplight? No, I've never seen him fight in the middle of the street. Well, that's a different game. Yeah, but he's a fucking maniac. His brothers, he's one of nine. His dad left him when he was a teenager,

so he had to raise all his brothers. He would get called out of class in high school to go to grade schools and be like, your brother Roger's fighting again. And he was the only one that could stop him. So he would go to like... He would have to go to their grade schools and be like, your brother Roger's fighting again. And he was the only one that could stop them. So he would go to like, he would get, he would have to go to their grade schools and pick them up. Like bear spray.

Because they had no father. So they were just fucking mayhem. That's. Yeah. Oh my God. Well, you're relatively normal then, I guess. I am. I mean, considering that.

Yeah. Where do you get your accent? Kensington from your mother? It's bad. Yeah. It's the Northeast. It's like. It's unbelievable.

It's always worse in the Northeast. And like when I'm hanging out with fucking knuckleheads like you, it comes out even more? It's bad. Yeah, it's the Northeast. It's like, it's always worse in the Northeast. And like when I'm hanging out with fucking knuckleheads like you, it comes out even more. It comes out, right. When I go back home to Delco, I start getting... It's bad.

I noticed, I've lost it a bunch. It's coming back a little bit, I think. But, my nieces and nephews have it real. And it's like...

It's a disease. It's this cute little boy or girl and they're like, can I have a coke? And you're like, oh. That's crazy to see. When you see like a little kid this cute little boy or girl and they're like can I have a coke and you're like oh that's crazy to see when you see like a little kid

with a Boston accent or something you're like they're still making those I know they're making new ones yeah it's bad dude

get on the internet people are talking normal there's no excuse they're an accent anymore I remember meeting Kev like this is 10 11 years ago with Foley

when we did the Raven sure and I heard him talk the first time it was really bad back then and it was like I remember meeting Kev, like this is 10, 11 years ago with Foley when we did The Raven. Sure. And I heard him talk the first time. It was really bad back then. And it was like, it was high pitch like me, thick delco like me, but with a northeast twang. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, he's going into The Raven. And I swear, you know how like when a pug, you hear like a high pitch thing and a pug has to like alter his ears so that his brain doesn't shake?

I remember just like looking like fucking transmitters are going off you're trying to pick it up yeah trying to save my eardrums this venom he's spitting i'm i'm like yeah i'm embarrassed i try not to do it my family though it's fucking yeah so my wife is uh my wife's from germany And I think it was last summer, maybe two summers ago, we were down the shore in North Wildwood. And she had just met my cousin. And my wife has never spent a lot of time in. The only people from Philly she's ever really met have been my family. We've never spent extended time down there.

And she met my cousin. And then we went down to the shore on like a thursday so like the island was kind of like empty you know what i mean and then come friday it's just like a bunch of drunk roofers you know what i mean yeah just like they come flooding in and yo taking an early quit we're going down but you know so they so now it's like chaos it's just you know there's fucking hundreds of thousands of people and she my cousin my cousin has the thickest like what are you doing like and she my my wife's like oh her accent's like what are you doing like and she my wife's like oh her accent's like really crazy i'm like yeah you know it's just what it is you know i've never

thought anything of it and then there was this other woman the next day going like screaming over a parking spot in north wild like that's my fucking spot you cocksucker and she goes oh your cousin bridget is outside i'm like no that's just every girl from northeast philadelphia they're all named bridget i sounds exactly the same. It's a bunch of freckle monsters fighting over parking spots. I thought you were going to say she was just sitting there being like, I thought I had a handle on this English thing. Oh, yeah. No.

She'll say, if we go to like... Does she have an accent? Does your wife have an accent? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. It's not so... She's like the softer version of it. She's not like an old like beer wench you know what i mean it's definitely soft it's more european she has like a more yeah that'd be a yeah it's not brutal i kind of wish for that sometimes though you know what i

mean just to get me going a little bit yeah does does germany germany they have regional accents yeah for sure like they viewed their uh like the stereotypical thing of you think of germany like munich and like oktoberfest and like the fucking you know the the girls and like the stereotypical thing of you think of germany like munich and like octoberfest and like the fucking you know the the girls in like the fucking braids like the saint paulie girl girl yeah they have they're the hillbillies to the rest of the country okay they're like i don't even understand them when they talk that's like their redneck that's their doco that yeah that's like their fucking real dumb just when i went to drexel drexel's only it's like 10 minutes away from yeah yeah 15 yeah and i remember like meeting people you go to drexel yeah he did yeah yeah

and i'll speak for you during this uh and i remember like the first like orientation and i was like yeah you you know you surround here or whatever like and i just like i was hard good lord yeah they were like where are you from and i was like right I was hardcore. Good Lord. Yeah, it's all these waspies. They're like, where are you from? And I was like, right there. If you swing, you can see my house. Yeah, it took me until like junior year to totally stop. Yeah, well, when you're around it more, it happens, right?

You know what I mean? So I had to move. You got to move. Yeah, you got to get out of there. You got to get around normal people. And then you start, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were part of like every kid's first call home to their parents. Yeah, you got to see time. It's first call home to their parents. You gotta see time.

It's crazy. He punched the RA. How are you just an affiliate? I'm going to a diner by myself eating cereal. My mom never let me have any of this before. Yeah, and he got little cat and crutches in there.

This is crazy, dude. For free? I used to work at the Macy's in Center City. And not bragging. Like, holy fuck. Yeah, and he got little cap and crutches in there. Yeah, this is crazy, dude. For free? Who do I pay? I used to work at the Macy's in Center City. And not bragging, you know. I used to deal hard, right? You're a security guard? No, I worked in the menswear. Because my brother got me the job.

My brother graduated Temple. And that, like, Macy's. I don't know. Like, they used to shove that down your throat of, like, the Macy's. All-ed management program is, like like one of the best in the country. If you can get in there, you can get in anywhere. It's fair to God. They were like known for it.

So he got in and it was like, after like three months, he got me the job like right away. He was like, yo, this fucking sucks, dude. Nobody told him that? No, nobody told him. All you gotta do is go to Macy's. I know.

Like this isn't the management program I want to be in. Dude, you selling men menswear with that accent had to be... Well, it's also like you weren't getting the cream of the crop. You know what I mean? The Wannamakers weren't coming in to pick up their suits. You know what I mean? It was all people stealing DKNY jeans. Dude, they used to come in

and just grab fucking 50 Hugo Boss jeans and just fucking run out and jump on the L. At the Springfield Mall, I used to go. The jewelry store was downstairs. Upstairs was the menswear. You'd walk in the jewelry store, go up the escalator, grab some shorts and shirts, all like the fucking gym shit you wanted when you were in grade school.

I was like seventh or eighth grade. And then our whole scheme was you'd go back down to the jewelry area and the cologne area, and you would just you would just pretend that you were perusing and then you take all of these items off the hangers obviously and they would just be draped over your arm like a fucking maitre d right and then they had these little uh benches just outside of the the entrance to macy's and i would sit on the bench for like three minutes and i would just wait see if you had a tail or not yeah and if no you shake them oh i didn't know i was just waiting for my mom i don't know where who yeah where's the snack bar i think she's outside yeah

and then i would just walk to like the first first l exit you know maybe stop by in annie ann's i'm like oh shit i forgot shout out to annie and then fucking beat it we did it like once a month it's true The best way to rob a place is to just totally Mr. Magoo it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Just confused. Yeah, that's why old people

get away with it. Yeah. They just pretend they... Oh, shit, I fucking... I lost my wife in a car accident. I can't remember much after that. I'm traumatized. Anyway, you want this...

You want these car hearts back? They're just stealing shit that they don't wear. They're just fucking so clueless. Oh. All right, this guy, I do it as a bit, but this guy came in with a stolen credit card, and when he swiped his card, like a lot of, like,

when you swipe your card, your name comes, like a lot of retail places, it'll say, like, fucking Chris O'Connor, and you, like, thank them. Like, oh, thank you. We used to have to say, thank you. I hope you had an outstanding day. Please rate review and fucking subscribe or whatever,

you know, that's how you get so good with it. Ayj. All this trying to upsell people to be like, Oh, you want to open a Macy's credit card? You can save 10 bucks today, but it'll fuck in the ass for the next eight years.

They got me. You fucking cocksucker. They got me too. Um, dude, this is how fucked up that place is in order to get my, uh, employee discount. I had to put it on a Macy's credit card. What?

Yeah. So, dude, I just paid it off. Oh, my God. Maybe two years ago, three years. That was in college. Yeah. So, wait. The discount was what?

Like 50%, 30%, 40%? 20, I think. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, it was like... But then with the juice, I ended up paying even more money. Oh, my goodness. So, finally, they called me after. Dude, I ducked them for years. Just fucking icing like, but then with the juice, I was ending up paying even more money. Oh my goodness. So finally they called me after,

dude, I just, I ducked them for years. Just fucking icing them, icing them, whatever. And I'm like, yeah,

I'm like, I listen, I don't have any fucking money. Like I don't know what to tell you. If anyone, if I can say anything to teach someone a lesson, if you're in your twenties in college, you're taking on a lot of credit card debt,

don't pay it back. Unless you're trying to, unless you're trying to. I kind of agree with this yes because you have seven years hear me out it'll clear out i paid back thirty four thousand dollars of debt by the time i was 28 years old it still fucks up your debt sure because some of them went into i had to get this like third party creditor yes a situation where they talk down to like zero to six percent from 19 or 20 but you're still getting a little nick

on your fucking score, your credit score. So he was like, dude, I talked to this accountant years later and he's like, just go bankrupt. He's like, unless you're buying a house in seven years,

it just wiped off. I could have just not paid anything back. Especially nowadays. You've seen how the world's treating us? Fuck them. The world's treating us. This is a guy, yeah. Especially nowadays. You've seen how the world's straightened us? Fuck them. The world's straightened us. This is a guy, yeah. It would be sick to operate just like a startup.

You'd be like, I can't pay, but I'll give you some equity. I'll give you three points on Kippy Industries moving forward. You're going to want it, yeah. You're going to want in on this. You don't know now. Yeah, yeah. You could spend the next 10 years grabbing for pennies from me. Or you can get out on the ground floor.

That's a pretty good idea. You're pretty good at this. Yeah. You have to be a psychopath to come up with something like that. I know. You're delivering it so cold and calmly, too. They immediately called Dog the bounty hunter. So you couldn't pay with cash or your own credit card at all?

What do you mean? To get 20% off. No. I didn't have any money. They were paying me $8 an hour. Dude, I was working fucking three hours a day from like 5 to 8.30 or something, making $8 an hour, and I had to drive there and park my car for like $28. I was losing money on the shift.

It was fucking stupid. And then I was just buying. Were you in college? I was in college. Yeah, I was at Temple. And I would just fucking. Is it the college or was this? I was in college. Yeah, I was at Temple. And I would just fucking. Is it the same program your cousin? No, no, no, no.

I was just like an employee. I was just like a fucking retail employee. What was the program? What were the benefits? It's called their. It's an internship. No, it's like a management. You like.

They teach you. The idea, I guess, behind it is like it's the best management. One of the better management programs. Once you go through it, like Wawa has the same thing. They really do. You're not selling it. I know. You're going down.

You know, Pep Boys has a very similar situation. You know, Gary Barbera on the Boulevard. The great Northeast. Boy, I guess. In beautiful Roxborough. Yeah, yeah.

See, they're doing it to you. They're doing the equity thing to you. Cause they're like, we're going to pay you $8.20 an 20 cents an hour sure but our management program sure people get out that was the idea of like you but like you could i go anywhere like for like pharmaceutical you could be like a manager or project manager like that kind of shit whatever at least he i mean he did it for like six weeks i was like yo fuck this and left um but racked up 50 grand worth of macy's i did dude so they finally,

years, dude, I ducked them. How much did you build up? It started at 800 bucks was my bill because I had an $800 credit limit. I was just buying underwear and shit,

like instead of doing laundry. Essentials. Or like, dude, I would buy an outfit if I worked Friday night until like, you know, 10 o'clock or whatever and all my boys were out

at like an old city or whatever. Yeah. You know, shout out to Lucy's Hatch Shop. Lucy's rules yo lucy's a good time yeah i put a lot of gremlins out of lucy's oh man that was yeah that back bar was something special but instead of going home i would just fucking buy an outfit like a fucking you know like a blazer and new turtle neck yeah i'd fucking i was stunting dude i've done that at that macy's many times yeah and i would just like leave my clothes at work if i didn't like pick them up in the more well i don't know fucking whatever i think i think i was just a fucking alcoholic is what

it was and didn't care um and then i finally it was thousands it got to thousands of dollars and then they they what the charge is just on interest just on interest and then they started selling it right because they're going oh this is bad debt we're going to clear it off our books we're going to sell it to chris o'connor industries for 600 bucks so now chris o'connor's going i just need to get 600 bucks out so instead of paying the 800 or the 1500 or 2000 that you owe just give us 750 we'll make 150 on it and then they sold it they just for years yeah just bad debt and those companies kept selling it and selling it and selling it yeah finally the guy called and i had maybe like a thousand dollars in my bank account like i just deposited a check or something and i was like what do you i finally answered what do i owe you yeah and he's like 63 i'm like 63 and you never call

me ever again he goes yeah i'm like let's do it right yes dude take my 63 he hung up the phone he was like fuck dude yeah I should have said $600. I know, for sure, for sure. Well, this is another reason not to pay back. Because if you have a record of paying debt back, especially at that high level, when they go to sell to other creditors, they're going to go, I'll buy it. So what they do is they'll say, here's $10,000 of debt. This motherfucker has a track record of being a fucking idiot.

Yeah, he's a re-re-re-re. I did that last episode. He's a fucking re-re-re-re. So they'll buy it like pennies on the dollar. So they'll say, here's $10,000 worth of debt. You give us five grand. You can have this if you get $10,000 from them. And I saw a 60 Minutes special on it because I'm fucking aging.

Oh, pop off. Yeah. And it's a big scam where there's no regulations around threatening. There's no, like these people can call you. I think there are. No, they're not.

They're for sure. That's like multiple statues. No, you could threaten anybody. It's not a crime. Well, anyway, I had a job.

I'll find them on a highway. Do braces. I swear to God. You're nuts, dude. On the special. I'm pretty sure that's a job. I'll find him on a highway. Do braces. You're nuts, dude. On the special, I'm pretty sure that's assault. On the special, it said, I was going to say program.

I was watching my program. Do you have your readers on, dad? You fucking lunatic. Watching my stories. They said this is what made the regulations, I think. Maybe that's what happened. Probably.

They started the regulations because it was just freewheeling maniacs going, and it's like a boiler room of your best friend's going, Charlie, fucking bite this old lady's neck and tell her you're going to take your car. Tell her you're going to fuck her. And that's what they would say. They're like, we know where you live. We'll take your car. We'll call your job, say you're a fucking deadbeat, and people give up the money.

So they're gambling on your debt from another creditor. Sure. And buying it for pennies on the dollar and seeing what they can get out of it. That's interesting. What an interesting loophole for threatening. Yeah. Yeah.

He just wants to do the threatening. He's like, so you're saying if I work at this place, I can tell an old woman I'll fucking kill her? Well, think about it. Yeah, it's like, if you were just like, look, if it was just a thing on the street, right? You just didn't get along

with someone and you're like, hey, I tell you what, I'm going to fucking come to your house. Yeah. I'm going to take your car. I'm going to take your home.

I'm going to take everything in it. That would be a crime. But if you do say it through like, no, through like legal means, I'm going to take everything You could also use a legal jargon

through legal means right so it's like these there's a subsect of the population as long as you say ever will forever fall for these fucking overseas scams right they're going to send you money for no reason but if you have a reason to pay money back and you threaten them with like i'm going to take your fucking couch you know like little couch that raymond flanagan couch you love it's gone you know henry we know your henry your husband we know where like, I'm going to take your fucking couch, you know, like little couch, that Raymoor Flanagan couch you love. It's gone. You know Henry? We know your Henry,

your husband. We know where he works. We're going to insult him. We're going to fucking get him fired. You could say whatever the fuck you want. People go, all right, all right, how much?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like we could split the difference. If you do it tonight, split the difference. For them, they probably spent $20 on $10,000 of debt

because she's been in the cycle for 10 years. You go, all right, $3,000. She go, all right three thousand she go all right how do i do yeah and then you do that they have they have fucking lists and lists and lists of deadbeats like me but i paid it back so don't fucking pay it back and just wait seven years this couch is mine come get my fucking couch over my dead body dude yeah you do see people who

have built up armor from like experiencing shit like that all the time. Yeah. And that's why anytime someone's like, I'm going to take your shit, they're like, come get it. Yeah. Yeah, just wait, like, yeah, inviting people. They know nothing's going to happen. Yeah. Anyway, your specials.

Let's talk about your special real quick because we get arguments about, like, fucking people doing plugs at the end. Oh, I didn't care. Yeah, well, me and H-Fully just released a project on YouTube for Are You Garbage? It's a compilation of our live shows

and us on the road over the past year. Check it out. Are You Garbage? Yeah, it's great. We've had both you guys on. I'm sure a lot of your listeners are aware.

We've had both you guys on. I think you did it twice. You did it once. Yeah. It's fucking wonderful, man. Yeah, listen to the podcast. Watch the special. You know my favorite part?

I see you guys do your magic all the time. There was a screenshot, a quick screen grab of... Why? I see you guys do your magic all the time. There's a rabbit in my sleeve, all right? Tommy, goddamn. It's true.

Somehow through the compliment, you made it shitty. Classic Pope. All I wanted to say was I'm not going to give away the bits. You guys were great on stage. I've seen it so many fucking times. It just got worse somehow. It sounds like we've been bothering them with this. Like we've been doing it in your bed.

Every time I wake up to take a piss, these fucking guys are here. Every time I go to a comedy show, all of a sudden they introduce you guys. I got to watch this all over again? I'm saying the structure of this show. Enough already. We understand. It's going to be guaranteed laughs. Go check out this special.

Guaranteed laughs. Fucking Gary Barbera over here. Let me just dismount you, Fox. Extra, extra. It's funner this way. There was a dude in a full leg cast on a hand cart. Riding his scooter, waiting in line at the New York. At Gotham.

Yeah, he's scooting in. Let me tell you something. Yeah, those are a bad look, dude. I don't care if it was any sort of accident. That's bad. I've said this many times. Those are the tragediest form of... If you have an injury, stay the fuck home until that heals.

I don't care if it's a little sling from bowling injury. Sure. A fucking... Like, you get something that major, stay home. You got grub-hubbed, seamless, all these things. I know, I don't know what you're doing. You can order booze in. Stay the fuck home.

You look like an asshole. You do. Also, the one-knee scooter. It's bad. Is unf—get crutches, get a wheelchair. Get fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, what are you wheeling around?

You think you look confident in that? I don't get it. Also, you're in New York. People are buzzing around you all the time. You gotta be popping curves and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing bunny hops. Well, like, it's also, too, it's like, my thing is, like, your toes are just out.

Like, your toes, you don't have a sock on. Like, I just see your dirty, ashy, flaky toes because you haven't been taking care of them. I couldn't change socks in public. I couldn't, like, sit down in an airport and, like, take my sock off and put a sock on. Why? For that 30 seconds of insecurity, feeling like someone's's like look at this fucking scumbag look at this absolute dirtball yeah they need to get over that

no they don't you need to get over taking your socks off in public no I'm not doing it all the time but if I had a situation well clearly you do it

enough to take this stance no it's like when I make fun of somebody for like going duke duke in public it's like you should never unless you're eating

raw chicken popsicles you should never you should be never raw chicken popsicles you should never you should be never in line for the bathroom in any public situation. Grow the fuck up. Know your bowels. I understand.

Unless it's a boy that emergencies happen. And then you get somebody like Chris going well there are certain circumstances where I shit in public every time.

I got to shit. I'm going. I try not to do it. I don't care. I don't care how disgusting it is. You'll crack the door open when there's seven people in a Starbucks waiting for you and you just got like a thousand percent. Oh my God.

I hate having to shit. Or are you like, I'm going to get in and get out? I never take my time. I always shit quick. Okay. I bet I could shit quicker than you piss. All right. Let's do it.

That's not a good thing. You threw down the gauntlet. My God. It's not good to brag about your asshole looking like a manhole. Like one of those Star Wars doors. No, because I wait until I'm ready. I get in there. I go.

I don't need to sit around and wait for a shit to come. Don't you also have a system where you know what time you usually go in the day? All the time? Yeah. Yeah. So, playing your Macy's dates around getting your shit out. Sure.

I can't go at 10 in the morning. Sorry, honey. I got something to do. Yeah. 10.05, we can head out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I can't let it interfere

with my schedule. Do you ever shit on a plane? Never. I just had to do that recently. Oh my God. Flying back from Skank Fest. I've shit on a plane. I've shit on a train. Dude, I just had to do that recently. Oh, my God. Flying back from Skank Fest. I've shit on a plane. I've shit on a train.

Dude, I would chisel the window open. In a box with a box. Yeah. The only thing I won't shit on. Planes, trains, and automobiles. The shit edition. I won't shit on a bus. And that's because.

Because it's shaky? No. It's because the bus doesn't have. They haven't figured out bus shits yet. Oh, we got our best guys on the case. No, they don't. Nobody's working on it. Somehow, every time you take a shit on the bus...

I think Temple has a business class. Macy's management program, they're cracking the case over there. What do you mean? Like the amenities? No, no. They just like... When you take a shit on a bus,

it stinks up the whole plane. Or a whole bus every time. Yeah, what do you think a plane does? No, a plane shoots it like, when you take a shit on a bus, it stinks up the whole plane or a whole bus every time. Yeah, what do you think a plane does? No, a plane shoots it out and drops it somewhere. One time I waited in line for like 15, 20 minutes. Wait, do you think it doesn't shoot it out over the sky? I don't know. I haven't looked into it recently.

No, I mean, that's for sure. They don't do that. Kids are just in a pool like, stop. That would be fucking crazy. Nobody would live within a thousand miles of an airport if that was the case

but the plane sucks it into a containment system it's like a ghostbusters thing yeah or a vacuum that's how little

he cleans hey honey where's that ghostbusters wand where's that where's that thing I throw on the floor and all the spirits

go into it that's how vacuuming and cleaning should be you should just throw that into the middle of the room hit the button it's so hard to open up and fucking i mean there was a dude i waited maybe 15 minutes with like five other people waiting for the bathroom he brought his briefcase in and he opens the door and the briefcase was like next to the toilet or wherever and he starts embarrassingly as he should if i watched him go back to his seat i would have probably said something you know like my dad would you gotta learn them you gotta learn say look listen bro you know you're ruining the back seven rows yeah that's bad total smash dude why did you wait in

line for the bathroom yeah because i thought he was a normal human being that would only take a minute instead he was a savage taking a shit but you were next in line yeah yeah your pot committed at that point

especially there's people behind you but you can't get by them to go back to your seat also I was timing it like this is a good like I don't go right when the plane takes off

to go TT I go I wait like when everybody starts was that TT TT yeah

I wait till everybody falls asleep because they're all fucking minions. They're all dickheads. And they all go... They all start snoring. What? I don't like people that snore

and fall asleep on planes. Don't you snore? I snore in my own public private place. In my public... In my public park bench. Yeah, I sleep when I shit. You won't... I won't sleep on a plane either.

I can't. I can't. I'll try. I'll get drunk enough To where I'm I might not out I might doze off Yeah

I'll do like party boy type hours The night before in any city I can't It's still canceled It's still yet I think I'll have like Three four beers At the airport bar

Before getting on the plane Four IPAs and a burger At an airport bar Yeah Is nothing better It should put you out It should And I get on the plane

I'll do a whiskey Like my wife was living in Germany We were like flying back and forth like a bunch how far is that flight uh from new york yeah like six and six and you never slept on that six and change there to the one time i got fucking i had it got i think it got pushed by like an hour but i was already there so i'm like dude i'm at the bar like four deep and they're like oh it's not taking off for another not boarding for like another hour and i'm like fucking four more so i'm like eight dude, I'm at the bar like four deep. And they're like, oh, it's not taking off for another, not boarding for like another hour. And I'm like, fucking four more. So I'm like eight or nine IPAs, a burger, fries, I think a shot of whiskey too.

Is this the dump? No. And I'm like, all right. So I get on the plane and I think it was like premium economy or it was like pre, not business or whatever, but like I got a drink somehow before the flight took off, a whiskey. And I'm like, all right, let's go.

Did that. And I passed out for like an hour and I wake up and we're still flight took off, a whiskey. And I'm like, all right, let's go. Did that. I passed out for like an hour. And I wake up and we're still on the ground in New York. And I was like, this fucking sucks. I was about to get off the plane, dude. I was about to yell bomb. And just fucking like get me off. I can't sit here for eight hours fucking hungover.

See, I can't stay awake on the plane. Really? Yeah, I sleep. This doesn't surprise me. No, you probably you probably need eyeballs on you to feel comfortable i get like ram sleep on planes that's why you always as a stranger what do you do you're an accountant you might staring at me for the next five and a half hours i will say it's the only way i can go night anyway my name's carl i will say that i it's

few times i feel more outraged than i when i go to sleep and i'm getting a good sleep on the plane and I wake up and we're still on the tarmac. Oh, that's bad. It's like what have you been doing? So as soon as you sit down and you hear the engines, you're like a baby in the back seat. Yeah. And you just go out. Yeah. Oh my God. I have too much anxiety. Me too. I'm not afraid to fly, but like

this is doing math all the time. And it's like. I also convince myself it's like the air pressure and shit. I know it's probably not. No, it's your anxiety. It's my anxiety. And especially if you're coming off a bender.

Yeah. It's like, dude, that booze anxiety and whatever other, you know, extracurricular activities you were doing. Yeah. That shit.

Yeah. Yeah. I thought like every bachelor party I've ever flown to and flown back has been, that Sunday has been like the worst day of my life. Yeah. Just sweating, like in a middle seat or something just fucking anxieties running yes yes in for four days yeah that'll get me there are

there are times where i'm super hungover coming back where i have trouble sleeping that's the only time but he sleeps on his back yeah i do so do i you do and you still can't sleep on a plane no it's the anxiety man what is it what about the elevation so it's like not the elevation of the plane elevation the seat i can't there's no unless you're against the window as soon as the as soon as the stewardesses get out of my you know i go i recline are you like a oh i twitch i can't yeah i'm a big twitcher that bothers me yeah it bothers me too i wake up like that way too oh yeah she got it right in the fucking gasp of air yeah yeah well that'll It bothers me too. I wake up like that way too often. Big time too. Oh yeah. She got it right in the fucking bicep.

Taking a gasp of air. Yeah. Well that'll happen to me too and I'll go like and I'll look at the guy next to me and he'll pretend

he didn't hear it. It's just like dude can we be people? And now I'm stressed. Can you start being What am I doing? He's being a guy you're a weirdo wacko.

I'm on his side. No I'm just a person who's sleeping. He's now making me a guy. You're a wacko. I'm on his side. No, I'm just a person who's sleeping. He's now making me feel weird. You're having night terror in the air. There's a difference between a guy nodding off and someone screaming. And elbowing a 60-year-old wife in 34B. It's wrong not to tell someone it's okay when they wake up like that. I'll agree with that.

You got to be nice. It's nice to be nice. The person next to me goes like, ah! It's fine. It happens to me, too. It's fine with that. You got to be nice. It's nice to be nice. If the person next to me goes like, ah, I'll be like, that's fine. It happens to me too. It's fine. We're all going to die anyway, sir.

You woke up just in time. I put a bomb on this plane. Any last wishes? No, I do. I am surprisingly okay with dying on a plane. Oh my God. You're a wacko, dude. I think I would be,

because anytime I got on a plane, I was always like, you know what? I would like to die on a plane. I need a couple of me and I go like, all right. Yeah, of course. I can let go of this. If I go down, I'll go down.

I need a couple of me. Yeah. I make sure I got to I make sure I got a cig too. Well, every night after I have my like six beer, I start going, it'll be all right if I die right now. Yeah. That's I go. All right.

I can let go. I just need six beers and I'll let go of life. That's all I need. I can go. All right. I had a pretty good run. That's a good move. Instead of oxygen masks coming down, they should have whiskey.

An ice luge or something. Everybody just takes it easy. Yeah. I'm more about any death that's not my fault. Everything's going to be fine. We're chilling. Take care of my kids. The thing I'd be worried about is the ride down.

How long is that, do you think? That's a couple minutes, probably, right? I've seen a few. At least two minutes. I said this before. McKeever used to say while I was on the... He would know when I was taking off, and he would send me gifts of planes crashing on the plane.

For a while, I was really bad. He sent me this one where it's almost like... I think it might be like an army size, you know, planes that carry like troops and fucking tanks. Like a C-130 or something. Dude, they're giant. This thing takes off. It gets to like here and then you see it goes.

And the whole, I mean, it was just a beautiful explosion. Oh my God. So you either have that option, not getting off the ground, and just being like a fucking bicycle. Sure, that's like, it's like 90%. It's a bad pilot. Something's going to happen. It happens in the first 10 minutes and the last 10 minutes or whatever.

But if you put up. Everything else is fucking easy peasy. 30,000 feet in elevation. If you're on like a fucking 737, it's only going to take two minutes. Yeah, that's a long two minutes, though. Dude, you ever listen to those lights flashing? Oh, my God. People crying? No, they wouldn't do that to you.

People throwing up? That's what they do in the movies, Chris. You ever saw Police Academy? No, no, no. Doesn't even have a plane crashing. They'd be like, hold tight, you know. Do you ever listen to those flight recordings? No, I can't do that. I have a big one. It's crazy. Too much Catholic guilt. Those guys are like, hold tight, you know. Do you ever listen to those flight recordings? No, I can't do that. I have a big one. It's crazy.

Too much Catholic guilt. Those guys are like, there's one where they lost hydraulic pressure in one of the wings. I don't even like talking about this. One of the engines like fucking, well, here we go. I'm flying tomorrow, by the way. These guys, before they crash, all the pilots. You better make up with your father tonight. We're going to have to cut this.

I don't jerk off on days I fly either. Really? Yeah. Really? Catholic guilt. Because it's bad luck? It's just bad mojo. Bad juju.

Yeah, I don't want to be putting it out there. No, it's out of your hands. Hold on, Chris. We're going to get back to yours. You don't. So. Yeah. Or if someone I know is flying.

Really? Like in my family, yeah. Have you ever said this before? That's insane. I said it, I mean, not on stage. I think I said it on a, I probably said it on our Patreon or something. So if you get a call from Aunt Carol and she's like, I'm going to Florida tomorrow. You're like, fuck, I can't beat off.

Yeah, I would get it done then. I'd be like, all right, enjoy your trip. I got you from above. And like, you know, I'll snap one out, you know. Oh, my God. You'd be devastated. It depends on how, you know, how the anxiety is running that day. So you have to know when they land.

I got a control panel in my bedroom. It's like the fucking tower, dude. I got everybody. I'm tracking them all. This is Kippy and Sly Control. dude I got everybody pictures of their head flying over the country that is Holy shit, a jerk-off tower. Oh, my God. I think we found the name. That's disgusting to think of anyone who's ever asked you if you arrived safe was just waiting to jerk off.

Dude, that is so funny. That's why I was telling my mom, like, hey, text me when you get there, you know? I don't care what time it is. Let me know. Nothing to do with your safety. You should just build up with gum in your balls. I gotta get rid of all this gum. How's the Wi-Fi in there?

I'll pay for your Wi-Fi. Just let me know as soon as you land. The second you touch down. Not when you get to the gate. Not when you get to luggage. Second, your wheel's on the ground. Where have you been? I just said it was confusing. You were flight 7480, right?

You're calling the airlines? Can I get a confirmation? Flight E700 fell? Oh, my God, dude. Can you fuck while someone's in there? Yeah, that's different because that's not... It's not on you. It's not on me.

That's not devious. Where did this start? I don't know, man. It's like, I don't know. You didn't grow up with that? Like the shame, the masturbation shame? No. No one's ever...

I was talking to Foley about this. No one's ever been like, don't do that. It's just that fucking... That underlying shame or anxiety. It's just that fucking that underlying shame or anxiety. It is disgusting. What is? Jerking off.

Shut up. What are you talking about? I mean it's disgusting. It should be approached with a certain amount of shame. No that's I don't Are you shamed when you come?

Everybody does it. So why should there be shame? Is this why you walk around the apartment with this fucking gloom? What? Because I'm jerking off? Because you're always beating off somewhere?

No, I just don't think, I don't like people who are like into jerking off, celebrating jerking off. You say you like me because I am into it, boy. No, you don't. You look at thumbnails and jerk off. Yeah, I still jerk off. Yeah, but it takes two seconds. I'm talking about people who like, they get lotion out. Oh, like my candles and get like 20 minutes long beat off?

Yeah, yeah. And then they're like, no, this is important. They buy a toy and a thing. It's like, no. People do. I've never like, they get lotion out. Oh, like my candles and get like 20-minute long beat-offs in? Yeah, yeah. And they're like, no, this is important. They buy a toy and a thing. It's like, no. People do. I've never met. I don't know. I mean, that's a lot.

That is great. That's disgusting. But it's not about... Have some shame. This is an emergency. You've got to get this thing out of you. So you're shaming people that treat it like a professional and sensual... Like a hobby.

Like a... It's an event. Yeah, it's like, I don't want you to feel bad about doing it, but I also don't want you, it's not to be celebrated. I see what you're saying. You know? Under the radar.

But some people don't have partners, so it's like, this is their thing. They get in a bathtub, they get a giant dildo out. Yeah, so that should be in the back of your head at all times. That's a date night for them, though.

They don't have a significant other to knock them around. It's like, learn a skill. Oh, you want them to do carpentry when they want to come? Well,

it might help you get laid. You know? Anytime you're jerking off, you're not fucking. That's a problem. That's not a problem.

Sure, but sometimes jerking off. If you're sexually active and you're having sex, let's say once a day, which is a lot for

most people, you could jerk off in the morning to get your day jump started. You're saying that's gross? Your day jump? Yeah, no, look. Yeah, that's a utility jerk, which I appreciate.

Yeah. But you shouldn't be a little bit embarrassed that you need that. I'm not at all. The older I get, not that I'm old, but I'm just like, it's a bodily function. I need to either clear my head or whatever. This is the religious bullshit that he's putting in his own skull. Yeah.

There shouldn't be shame. It's like, yeah, I need this to be a better person. I need this to make coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't need this for anything higher than just to get up and be excited. It's primitive. It's blowing my nose excited it releases a sense of endorphins that's just like doing 35

jumping jacks blast off and then get up with a sense of like hmm but the fact that it's jerking off and not something productive should it hurt you but that could put you in a position to be productive no it could what about video gaming

is that productive? Could be. You really come with Uncle Tommy vibes here. And how about those video games? You've been fucking buried your head in. We're in the research phase right now. Yeah, we are. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want in? You want to buy some equity? That's insane. Also, Kevin, funny. No, I... So where do you think it started I said just that underlying

fucking Catholic guilt I guess I don't know I never really put thought into it and then I like teachers and shit telling us we shouldn't

be masturbating I don't I can honestly don't think anybody's ever been like don't masturbate yeah no one's ever said that

did you go to Catholic school no but like they used to say it's the Irish cat I mean like it's just the it's ingrained, it's just the... It's ingrained.

Yeah, it's just like the shame, the guilt, the fucking, you know, all of that shit. Yeah, no one's ever told you not to, but no one's ever asked you to do it in front of them. True. That's not true. True. I think that is true.

I mean, girls. Girlfriends and girls... Have asked me to do it in front of them? Jerk off in front of them? Yeah, I was lying. Many times. That actually has happened to me once. It's a sexual fantasy.

You wouldn't want to go to a diddle in front of you while you jerked off yeah oh yeah i thought okay that's more mutual i thought yeah i never just had a girl like hey hit it you know what i mean like play the hits yeah no i never just had a yes yes mutual you know yeah there was never just a girl like all right let me see you masturbate like that iate. That's not a scene I don't think anybody wants to. I don't think that gets anybody going. It definitely doesn't get my wife going. Yeah, I denied the request. Really? When they said hit it, you said no?

You don't want to see this from that. I'm not giving you that. Was she planning on doing anything, or it was just you? If you turned her on, you still wouldn't do it? No. If it turned her on, I would do it. Well, that's why she's asking. No, but they're not. That's what I'm saying. No one's ever asked, so I don't think it's turning anybody on.

He turned down someone asking him. Yeah, yeah. Which means it would have turned her on and would have got to another level and it would have been sexual. Yeah, yeah. And fun and exciting for her. Maybe. You're being selfish. Well, I just don't like, you know, I don't know. My sex with me is like I'm like a Potemkin village. I can't let you look from a distance at

what i'm doing you know what i mean i didn't get any of that and the fact that you put a button on it with you know what i mean it's like no i don't know what any i don't know what any of that means i only i only want in village yeah i don't i feel like i do know what that is but i don't potemkin village was like when uh one of the czars in russia went like around to see the country and be like how good is our country doing and they just like every town they were about to go to they like fixed up and made it nice and then as soon as they left they like made it shitty again

and then made the next town they were going to nice that's kind of where it's like I can't let you see the whole thing at once because you're going to get an ugly picture. Sure. I want you know discreet angles. What about, let's say you're

three to six months in to the relationship? Look, I've jerked off in front of, you want it? Yeah. I've done it before. I just want to be honest.

I've jerked off in the car in front of somebody. That's crazy. Toll booth drive. Toll booth bus. There we go. There we go. We pulled this off.

All driving. Yeah. I don't get that. Wait, so the girl was in the front seat and she's like can you start beating off she was like

blowing me for a little bit alright and then I was like alright well I'm gonna jerk off I think the blowjob proceeds all like you were like I was

you finished by yourself but right you were getting you were getting a blowjob yeah she didn't answer that though you put that on her you

were just like i have to finish yeah yeah yeah i mean yeah yeah once it gets it was great it was pretty great it's pretty great i'll probably do it again hopefully huh well you're doing you're doing what we're not talking about this is not what we're talking about we're talking about like like a woman asking you to to sure sure sure yeah that that and you said that was wrong but at this point... I don't jerk off cool. Again, it's like I don't put it... You don't have a backwards hat on or something?

What do you mean? It's not cool. I don't put a lot of thought into jerking off. I don't have my glasses on me, babe. I can't do it. I left the Ray-Bans in the car. Anytime someone's like, I could... Go get my vest.

I don't want a hand job. You've heard this before. I don't want a hand job. I could jerk myself off better than they can. It's like... 100%. What are you doing that you're that good at it? Practice every day. Yeah.

Yeah, you know how you become good at a violin? You practice every day. Yeah. It's a home game advantage. And then a girl picks up the violin, my violin. I'm a violist. I'm a traveling violist with my bird. It's just some random ass girl's like, I never played this before.

And she's like, and then I take it. I'm like, that gets me excited. A lot of girls are like, let me play your violin. With your mouth? Yeah. Use your mouth strings.

No, no. You don't like a hand job? No. What about you? I have a bit of that. I do like hand jobs. Hand jobs are the best. It's hot when you're like,

look, if you were just a bust in this door after late bar night, and you start taking each other's clothes off when you're like look if you were just a bust in this door after late bar night yeah and you start taking each other's clothes off while you're fucking making out and it gets hot and heavy and then she just starts you know it's like pulling a mower it's like you're just getting the fucking engine going i need like three four tugs everything's off mouth party sure sure sure but i also like there's a thing that I like the attention. If someone's like fucking just. God, you're so nuts.

What are you talking about? Just. Someone, someone really wants. It's where you link to the attention. That's what. I think that. I get it. I understand it.

It's like getting a massage. But you like the fact that someone's like. It's like getting a massage. It's like you don't need to give anything back. They're, they're focused on you feeling good and they're, and they're doing it. That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I understand.

I understand it. Yeah. I just never. That's never clicked for me. I'm more of like. You're touching my it. That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I understand it. Yeah, I just never, that's never clicked for me. I'm more of like, you're touching my dick. Probably not nicest man. No, I get it. I'm understanding.

You know what I mean? I'm not judgmental. So it's more, well, the attention could still be there, like eye contact with a blowjob is the greatest attention

you can ever get. You've been going through my phone again. That gets old Kiparino going. There's nothing better. Oh, man. Nothing better. Pretty cool. It's also an angle the women, you'd never, again that gets old there's no going there's nothing better oh man nothing better pretty

cool it's also an angle the women you'd never like they never look that you know yeah yeah you never see someone stare at you from that short angle yeah but sustained eye contact I

start going like no I gotta do something with my face that's gonna ruin this you know you're very self-conscious like if I'm like here's what here's what's fucked up about you, dude. Flip your eyelids inside out or something. I don't know what to do.

The juxtaposition of you knowing how strange you are and then also not knowing how strange you are is the conundrum of life for you. There are some times where you're like, I'm weird this, and then you'll say something and go, that's not weird. You're like, oh no, that was weirder than the thing.

You concede it. Yes, dude. That's like, it you like to flip with you every time yes yes yeah you don't know which one you're gonna get can you make it in the wheel of fucking weirdos do you feel confident in your hot face like if you if someone's sucking your dick and they're giving you hot eyes i'm not worried about my face if all the sensation is coming from if you're getting any nerve endings you have on the tip of your bird? You shouldn't be thinking about your face at all. Yeah, I mean... What, what are you...

If you're gonna blow a job, you're like... You have no empathy whatsoever? You're giving like a fucking hot face? Well, if they're giving me a hot face, what do I... You feel like you gotta lean in. I gotta give like a...

Oh, yeah. This is what porn actually is. I gotta give smoky eyes back, right? Smoky eyes. This is a 90s boy. Hold on, let me get my mascara real quick. You can't just be down, like, looking at what's going on. Do you think smoky eyes are hot?

Dude, that is such trash. I'm sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry, sorry. That is like, that's the purest sign of a garbage check. What, smoky eyes? Smoky eyes, yeah. That's a girl that goes to, that's the purest sign of a garbage check. What, smoky eyes? Smoky eyes, yeah. That's a girl that goes to like Deb for like a sequined dress.

That's a girl that fills up on pretzels before a prom. Like you're not attracted to that. What, smoky eyes? Yeah. I just told you. What? Yeah, in the 90s? Are you kidding? Yeah, in the 90s. Are you kidding?

No, dude. Dude, that reaction was bright. You're so full of shit. No wonder you would wear a fucking cast, Alan. I sprained my wrist beating off while my girlfriend watched. Dude, if you don't like smoky eyes. That's so funny. I mean, are people still doing them? Of course. They're not, right? If, are people still doing them? Of course.

They're not, right? If they are, they're from fucking Kensington. Every hot chick in a... Shout out to Teresa. That's a Northeast... She's got hoop earrings, gel bangs, smoky eyes. Yeah, we were a big hoop earring family. Me too.

Even sometimes with the name in them. Yes. We have some Puerto Ricans in our family as well, and it's like the big... Have the big gold hoop with the name in them. Yes. We have some Puerto Ricans in our family as well, and it's like the big, have the big gold hoop with the name on it. Yeah, that's their license. Date of birth, eye color. Officer, please. My registration's in here somewhere.

What did I get pulled over for, baby? Dude, to go back to this thing The last before he cut To the Patreon The one The casting I just brought up the casting And I forgot We never got to it

But I was at Some bar on like Doesn't matter Baltimore Pike and Delco Yeah And this dude comes in With a cane And a neck brace

And I'm like Again like Stay the fuck home dude you look like an asshole what are you doing yeah yeah yeah but as soon as he breaks the barrier towards

the inside bar it was Miller's Ale House yeah it's a big joint it's a balloon door barrier no no it was just like

multiple rooms where like there was a big dining room area there's a middle bar and there's a back bar that's enclosed I like that it's like a

small chain yes sports bar. But the back bar was just a square bar. You're only there to drink. There's no eating. This dude ponies up through just continuing this bullshit and then he breaks the barrier

and then just like what's his face in Usual Suspects? Starts walking normal. He loses his limp. Neck brace comes off. He taps it. Yeah. Hey, barkeep.

That's what he did. Take two of your finest meads, please. He hung the cane on the back of one chair. And then he just went. Insurance. Yeah. And he was like, Gary. And then the dude came over, poured him a white wine.

And he smoked like 30 white wines. And then as soon as he got done, put it back on. Wobbled out. Got right back to his stick. Got in his Chevy Cavalier and drove home. That's where my- That's a bad motherfucker, walking into a place like that, ordering white wine. Yeah, dude.

That's where I got my character for Uncle Daycare. Uncle Daycare, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because this dude was just trying to beat the system, and he thought if he was tailed, someone's taking pictures of him, He can't get his insurance money. Yeah. I saw a dude at Kenan's in North Wildwood, like a dude, like a kid, full-on neck brace, like partying, like doing shots and shit. Dude, doing shots with a neck brace ain't easy.

You gotta like... Why don't you just take a stroll? Dude. Dude, if I saw a dude in a neck brace... But I'm like, dude, go home. Come back next weekend. Yes. Go to the doctor.

Go to the chiropractor. And also, no girl's going to hook up with you. Right now, there's 4,000 people or 400 people in this bar going, look at the guy in the neck brace. He's in a neck brace and an Iverson jersey with no undershirt. This is what Chris thinks he looks like while getting a blowjob. This is a dude in a neck brace. Yeah, that is what I look like.

I don't care how bad your neck hurts. do not put on a neck brace yes dude i'd rather my head fucking roll off my shoulders yeah then go outside in public with a neck brace on you'll never catch me outside with a cast or any type of knee brace it's so embarrassing with a cast what yeah with just a cast on your leg anything yeah if i'm like gimping around town stay indoors what you got everything you need via phone food drink no no i get some crutches you would walk around with crutches yeah i like crutches what where are you gonna go anywhere anywhere i don't pick a spot spot six flags in your yeah why you can ride the rides

with a bum leg who's holding your crutches I mean it's designed for that who's holding your crutches who's holding my crutches yeah the guy who works in the thing oh you just

lean hey buddy watch my crutches yeah yeah you put them in the same this isn't real you don't really think that right what

you're not gonna jump on a roller coaster have somebody hold help you I'm not I don't go to riding roller coasters and i'm a fucking loser how'd you break your leg that's what i want to know roller coaster i've never broken a bone in my life oh i've had a lot but i but if i have a lot of gas you wouldn't like me i was out i haven't either really never yeah huh i've had multiple surgeries i had like you know like the halo you have on your head?

You did not. And out of my head, I had it on my wrist. Oh, like it drilled in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two bars came out here. Two bars came out here and it was connected with like an erector set. My arm was like that. How did you hurt?

Snowboarding. Yeah. Wow. You were snowboarding? Yeah, yeah. You had like a Tom and Jerry like cartoon cat. Sure. Yeah, yeah.

It was bad. It was like, yeah. Did it have like the brace to the hip? No. It was just, I just,, yeah, it was bad. It was like, yeah. Did it have, like, the brace to the hip? No, it was just, I just, I mean, it was supposed to be in a sling. But that was like, dude, that was freshman year of high school, or senior year of high school. That was a tough look. Yeah. Fucking rolling around with that to school.

Trying to get your little wiener wet, you know what I mean? I had to wear, I had to wear fucking, I had to wear button-ups every day. And then, like, unbutton this. Did you just cut it off? Fucking day and then like a pirate walking in with a fucking cut off sleeve yeah like a jerk off dude in high school we had to wear sweaters during the summer and spring so you went to Catholic school where's your Bonner or something yeah is that where you went we would make dickies I say this unless yeah yeah yeah I won't say oh my god you're like nine

episodes in you're already repeat material. Trust me. There's going to be a lot of waterhead fucking wet brain retellings. Yeah. I've almost lost my leg from the knee down. I've been really fucked up. Snowboarding again? Shark attack. You suck at snowboarding.

You think that would be fucking telltale sign? Dog shit at snowboarding. Craziest thing, it was intale sign? You're fucking dog shit at snowboarding. Craziest thing, it was in the lodge too. That was the weirdest part. No, I... I slipped taking shots with a neck brace on.

Yeah, too many nutty Irishmen. All these stories are about you. I was rope swinging into like a creek, you know? Yeah. And I jumped out. I was just jumping in. I was like, oh, I'm just going to jump in and rinse off or whatever.

We were leaving. Oh, no. And I didn't get out far enough. Rock? Rock or root. I don't know. Yeah. And I went down.

And I jumped in with my knees bent. And I hit, I'm assuming, like a root. And it fucking exploded open. Like bone. Like bone, like shark bite, look. Oh my God. And I was eight and I was like,

my legs filled with creek water. Like bone flat. All the bacteria. Oh my God. Filled with creek water. Filled like proper, like from the knee down was just like.

Creek water. Creek, yeah, creek. I'm a crick guy. You're a crick guy? Did you immediately pass out, or were you looking at it like... I went into shock, for sure. Oh, my God. I went into shock, because I was like, yeah, you know.

Dude, so that's ACL, MCL. All the shit is blown out. It wasn't... I don't think you have those when you're a kid. I hadn't hit puberty yet. Not to get your driver's license. To get your gold hoop earrings. To get your gold hoop earrings. To get your MCL.

To reverse park a fucking 18-wheeler to get your ACL. You just Lego parts until you hit puberty. What was the rehab? Oh, my, like, yeah. Oh, my God, dude. It was like a fucking six-hour surgery or something like that. Crazy. Jesus Christ. Someone went out to your parents and was like, fucking six-hour surgery or something like that. Crazy. Jesus Christ.

Someone went out to your parents and was like, we saved the leg. Can you imagine how many years? It was crazy. It was a scene, dude. First of all, we're back in the woods like three miles. So now I'm stuck back in the woods. Can you imagine your mother taking all your family members into a room and going, all right, nobody jerk off until the surgery is done.

Listen, the fat one's about to lose his leg, all right? We need this. Say two Hail Marys and put your dick back. Where's your brother? Where's your brother? Is he in a bedroom?