Stuff Island - Stuff Island #81 w/ Zahid Dewji

Episode Date: May 17, 2023

- Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch. Each week they'll talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish & twice a month they live stream VR Golf and Onward with fans. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Zahid on IG: https://www.instagram.com/zahiddewji/?hl=en Get 25% off your subscription or try the app FREE at Fitbod.me/STUFFISLAND Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The first time I wrote, I wrote off like shoe donations. What? I put like, yeah, look, you get an Italian or a Jew, if you get Italian, they'll write off everything. Dude, my old, this is- My man went through like, he's like, you got to wear clothes on stage, right? And I was like, yes. That's something.

He's like, that's an investment. That's an investment in your act. He literally, he called me, he goes, he goes, you lived at home with your parents? I was like, yeah, for like a long time. So I saved money. I was like, I was like, that's an investment. That's an investment in your act. He literally, he called me. He goes, you lived at home with your parents? I was like, yeah, for a long time. That's why I saved money. I was on tour. And he goes, how big is your bedroom? And I go, it's like 250 square feet.

He goes, sounds like an office to me. I was like, I guess that's great. And my last guy was this Indian dude that my dad knew. And this is how fucking bad he was. At one point like as I when you do like regular w2 show or whatever like they can handle that right yeah right but uh comics over like 1099 stuff he just was like I don't know you got too much shit going on like you have like like I'm like a child he's never seen a day like crumpled money I'm like is this

enough taxes for like and so I sent him like a list of like all my shit like I sent him like like contact lenses expenses health insurance expense like all my shit. Like I sent him like, like contact lenses, expenses, health insurance, like all this shit. And he comes back and he goes, so you owe like 800 bucks, like three years ago. And I go, Asif, how do I owe that much money? And I go, I operated a loss. I'm a comic.

And then I go, I sent you expenses. I sent you and he goes, he goes, oh, I thought like, I didn't know you wanted me to include that. And I go, hey man, we're not like friends. Yeah. You think you're just running through what you. I'm not just sharing my, I'm not, this isn't for fun yeah i'm paying you money so that he goes oh then he incorporated goes yeah you get like an 800 refund i go are you out of your fucking mind

yeah yeah yeah he sent you back like a diet plan yeah no those meals are here he's like you fat shit slow down dairy. You got some travel suggestions. The way you're describing this, dude. He never included it. I was like, we're not buddies. I can almost hear him pulling his glasses down and staring at his phone like, I can't read this. Dude, so this new guy, I know him from this comedian,

Jay Light Recommend. He's like, I got a tax guy. He's cool as shit. His wife's a comic. He's a musician. And he hits me up and he like has like a fedora and he plays like the the saxophone and he looks like your tax guy he's awesome bro he like knows exactly what to do he looks like a cartoon and he's like fucking sick he has like a fake like it sounds like it sounds like a better call saul name yeah like i'm like this

guy has a fedora and plays i am turning right around i'm pushing a couch against the door so he can't get out and i'm firebombing that whole fucking place but that's the guy you want you want a guy that's like a cartoon character you don't want like a guy who doesn't incorporate your actual shit yeah you also don't want a guy that goes i do taxes on the side it's like a cartoon character. You don't want like a guy who doesn't incorporate your actual shit into it. Yeah. You also don't want a guy that goes, I do taxes on the side. It's like, no, no, no, no. He does taxes on the side. He does? It's a side gig, dude. Oh, no.

I looked at his Venmo. Well, that's because he's a struggling musician on a beach now. I looked at his Venmo and his expense and like the people that sending him stuff were like, this is for hosting. This is for the gig. Tax the gig taxes taxes taxes music music gig taxes taxes nah dude i want i want an autistic mole that doesn't see the sun for eight months out of the year dude he's just like he gets off on numbers yes doing like yeah theoretical physics with my taxes his part-time job is trying to beat the Rubik's Cube record from some Asian kid.

That's the fucking guy I want scribbled in my taxes. He needs to be doing some high-level mathematics to make this work. I want him not to make eye contact and every now and then go, have you ever shit your pants in the car? That's a write-off. Write that off. Yeah, dude. Do you do your own taxes?

Like, how do you do it? Fuck no, I've never done it. That's so crazy to me. It's insane to me that you can do that, and the penalty if you do it wrong is jail. Dude. Like, why are you letting me do this? My old roommate used to do his own taxes.

Still does. He was a struggling comic and writer, and he'd be out here for a week, two weeks, with receipts crumpled everywhere. He's got a wife beater with, like, old ice cream stains on it. Like, it's a full-time job for a maniac. Yeah, that guy should not be getting anywhere near you. No, of course.

It's always those guys going, yeah, I do my own, thank you. Why? It's like, pay $200. Pay any amount of money. Dude, that's how I feel about dropping laundry off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like sitting around for three fucking hours in a day.'s like it's a dollar a pound yeah get the fuck out of there and do something save your life yeah folding laundry can you imagine hell i don't mind it

sometimes really but like it's like it gets to a point where like if it's too big then i go all right it's insurmountable i'm not dealing with this now. Every fold's different. I can't get them in the drawer. You know what I mean? Every fold is different. And then you get stressed about it. You're like, I didn't fold this t-shirt well enough. I gotta restart. And a sheet, for Christ's sakes, throw it out.

I tried to watch life hacks of like, grab this corner. Oh, the fitted sheet. Yeah, where you do it and then it comes out out all nice burn it throw it in the fedora room with another guy you fucking toast yeah i need to like wrap it around a rolling pin dude yeah i need it actually not a bad idea like a giant paper towel just get a new sheet dude that's a great idea it's a brand new shirt your bedroom just has five different rollers that's great wait can i ask you a favor

yeah can i hair the dog do you have like a shot of whiskey yeah let's go there's a beer in there i got a beer left i'll fall asleep if you have a beer i don't think i have any food no no worries i'll take a beer yeah yeah yeah no i'll go sleep i'll take a beer yeah yeah i just like I'm like, whoo I was gonna offer to you know, no, no, I never hear the dog it and I'm like, dude Right shit. It's a life changer, dude. Yeah, I really like 3 p.m. I'm like, I'll grab a shot of whiskey I'm like, all right, I'm back in just for like an hour or two But yesterday was weird cuz like I had maybe six seven drinks. That's not insane, but I just didn't eat anything. Dude, this one's probably your best bet.

It's an IPA. This one is like a... No, just anything. These things are fucking horrific. No, this one's not bad. It's mango, sour ale with raspberry, dragon fruit, mango, and coconut. It's insane. Yeah, right?

It's insane. Yeah, yeah, this thing. Key lime pie. It's a key lime pie. I mean, look, I appreciate that they're out there taking chances. I love this, dude. You know, Tom, if the car was just on doing the same shit as you around the same time, 3 p.m., a brown guy's trying not to throw up on the couch.

Dude, dude. That's how you know being a commie. That was a 6 p.m. one, too. Well, you... That's how you know being a commissary. You fucking see. That was a 6 p.m. one, too. Oh, was it? He was still fucking... Yeah, dude. He hung over at 6 p.m. The first 30 minutes

he just... Like, violently hung over. It's just sound. It's like the whole day I've been walking and I'm like... Yeah, he quietly smiled at Chris and I

for 30 minutes until it finally passed. It was nuts. I thought you were going to ask for a bucket, not hair of the dog. This is great. I don't even like IPAs. It's a Finback. It's a high-end one.

It's nice. It's really good. Once you spend a lot of money, not a lot of money for it. It's like this at a bar is like $10, but it's a 16-ounce. That's crazy. That's true. This city fucking sucks. This is $10. But it's a 16-ounce. That's crazy. That's true. This is the only... This city fucking sucks.

This is $10 in Queens. Fuck this whole city. In Queens. I love Queens. This is great. This is $10 in like a shithole town. Oh, damn. Yeah, this is a nice beer.

But this is... IPA gets a bad rap because of Goose Island or Goose... Yeah, Goose Island. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That used to be like the first crafts, and then it sold out to Budweiser. Oh, shit. I didn't know any of that. And now it's like a tranny IPA. I'm like a Mexican.

That's a hack joke. You got a shoehorn in a hack joke. That's my favorite thing, though. Are people making tranny jokes on stage for Bud Light? Yeah. I'm sure they are, right? Yeah, yeah. Someone was telling me they were in Syracuse

just drinking a Bud Light. Fucking Mike Turner was in Syracuse drinking a Bud Light. I was going to ask you. And the whole like turned on him Gives a shit about why would you imagine caring imagine caring about literally anything let alone any fucking like anything Yeah, I'm this how stupid I am. I God damn. I am like how old are you? I'm 43 Chris. How old you 38? I just like I'm about to turn 36 I'm just like I keep going through this thing in my head where I'm like man like I'm 43. Chris, how old are you? 38. I'm about to turn 36, and I'm just like,

I keep going through this thing in my head where I'm like, man, I'm just getting dumber. Like, I'm noticing little things. There's, without mentioning who it is, but there's a comic. Like, it's fucking bad, dude. Like, a friend of mine called me up and was like, you know Mr. Beast, the- Yeah, yeah.

He's got to be a pedophile or something, right? Something's going to- something's brewing with that guy all those type of guys you're like he's hiding something nobody's that nice it's like the guy who uh Subway's guy Jeffrey the fact guy

he's too nice just handing out six foot hoagies for two bucks turns out he's sucking kids birds you know I heard oh yeah yeah yeah the Subway's out he's sucking kids' birds. Yes. You know I heard... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Subways guy. Yeah, yeah. He's looking for six inches, not six feet. Dude, yeah.

He's... Mr. Beast is... There's got to be something. The only guy who ever was purely good was Mr. Rogers. Yeah. Dude, I'm still so scared about... I know. No, no.

I know. You believe him also because of the way he talked, too. It was very thought. It was quiet. But, could you imagine fucking Mr. Rod? I bet he shoves panties in a girl's mouth. It's like those clean comics.

You ever hang out with a clean comic? They're dirty as fuck off stage. Like Brian Regan? You ever hang out with Brian Regan? He's the man, dude. He turns it all on. He's the only person also that got away with uh r word voice you're like dude yeah dude he's got an r word act yeah yeah i could say the word and then uh wait i'm trying i can't say anything oh i, oh yeah, that's great. What happened with mr. Beast Oh, this is how dumb like just

like my friend called me where he got brought up somehow and she goes uh She goes yeah, you know like he like he like cured like a thousand people of their blindness Yeah, and my friend I go I go I go then why is he still doing like YouTube? And she was what do you mean and she, then why is he still doing like YouTube? And she goes, what do you mean? And she goes, no, you fucking idiot. Like, not like a wizard. He paid for their surgery. And I thought he was just like, yeah. And then chose to do YouTube.

And she's like, what the fuck? And I go, I got to go, man. I got to rethink a bunch of shit. The 14th apostle. Like, he's like doing this. He's like, all right, all right well i'm gonna go do this fucking youtube thing now and that's what my like just there's no like there's no like i bet you that's not it there's no like filter anymore like i bet that's not it yeah in the past i'd like rethink what the fuck i'm saying and now i'm like wow that's fucking crazy yeah i would do, I would do the same thing. I think that's why we get along with both of us.

We're really stupid. Because if someone says something slightly the wrong way, I will be like, what? Shut up! If someone said Mr. Beast cured a thousand people with their blinds, what do you mean cured? You fucking piece of shit. I was hanging out and there's a comic for like

like uh we're getting drinks and he was ordering bud light and he called it like tranny piss yeah and in my head i was like that's funny but i don't really know what he's talking about yeah yeah yeah and i just realized right now it was because the bud light commercial yeah it took me a week to figure that joke out a fucking week to figure out why that's what the now in my head i go that's a crazy thing to say because i didn't even put two and two together until right now i think that's a normal progression or digression of of uh mental state for men especially because you're i think like you're doing your adolescence all the way through like your lower 20s yeah yeah you're you're fighting for a purpose yeah so you you absorb

all this knowledge and in your 30s you're just like i wasted all that fucking time caring yeah and then you really shift to not give any shit and then like like you talk to my dad he'll say shit that's so far off the base and then just go well that's what i heard yeah and he doesn't even he doesn't even bother to listen to the actual statement because he's already out of the room we'll just fucking lay up a button go you figure it out dude i feel myself sliding into that place because it's like the stuff that i really yeah because there's stuff that i really tried hard to know and it turns out that wasn't right either so it's like what the fuck is the point you might as well just believe whatever you want yeah yeah no one in high school is like by the way that world out there is a fucking nightmare.

Just one teacher to break it down and just be like, everything outside is insane. Like, you're going to learn this. You're going to go to this college. You can get this job. You get this. And then you're going to choose comedy at the end of it.

Cause you fucked up somehow. And then you're going to Mr. Magoo your way into it. And you're like, why didn't you guys tell me any of this? Yeah. It's also great. Like just pulling the pin on like a fact that you know is not right dropping it into a fucking conversation fucking off going back to the cooler for a beer i mean like yeah that's because cows have three hearts if they're like within the range of like

15 to 25 dude they're fucking mingling with that i heard some quote the other day that made me laugh so hard and then just leaving yeah that guy's fucking insane you won't see them for an hour and a half make someone else look it up you go back over to your dad you're like you want to go off tomorrow two hummer simpsons being fucking dumb as shit what was it uh just this guy it's like one of these like old man this is like a wise there's like some wise old guy that like was living out in the west and like he was like on his deathbed and they were like they were asking him about like life yeah yeah they asked him for a quote about life and he was just like

it's a hell of a place to lose a cow and for some reason i was like i don't think there's a hell of a place to lose a cow and for some reason I was like I don't think there's a better summation of that it's just like it's a hell of a place to lose a cow I think that's like why dad's like the older I mean we're all like becoming dads like even if you don't have kids

you're mentally there dude you pack for a beach? you watch me pack for a beach you think i got six kids yeah yeah dude i'm fucking i am focused so ready i can jenga a cooler with all the needs and necessities yeah yeah that's and that's where you're like this is my fate this is my passion right here i'm making sandwiches the night before so they're perfect room temperature by the time we get to the beach you know it's so finagling different size cans and then packing the ice do you ever you think i'm a father you got kids no i'm crazy what's up you know cows have six hearts fucking bouncing the beats i'm like what that guy's fucking awesome yeah great shirt i didn't

like the fedora. That's just me, part-time, dude. Dude, trying to... I'm a part-time dad wearing a fedora and a fucking Hawaiian shirt. Trying to help a dad pack a car is... No, I...

I remember, like, any time I've ever tried to, like... Like, my dad would, like, leave the car for a second and I'd just put something in it and he'd go back and be like, what the fuck happened? What was that?

What was the plan there? What was that? What was the plan there? Yeah, what the hell is going on? Yeah, you just, you all... Nobody puts this car, nobody puts anything in this car but me. It's like when I have my mom, I used to wash a dish for my mom, she goes, leave it there. Because if you wash it, then I just have to wash it again. Don't waste my fucking time.

I'll do it. And that's how I'll lose with packing or helping your dad do anything. But then they'll touch it. But on the other side, they'd they'd also go like hey how come you're not washing dishes and you're what do you want exactly what do you want from this thank you you what why that's why everyone else's parents are cool except yours the best parents are anyone that's not your parents yeah if you hang out my mom you're like i fucking love her and i'll be like i have her i don't i don't know what's going on anymore i I really am completely stumped. You forget until you go back home, you know? It's like, yeah, that's why, like,

so a couple of years ago, it was like, what, the year after COVID happened, and this is, like, the most dad shit my dad has ever done. He, you know, like, we're Indians, like, he's always, like, making chai, and we're hanging out with the dog. It's, like, fucking smells like cinnamon. It's Christmas time, hanging out with the dog.

Dad comes down the stairs, goes to the kitchen, with chai in his hand, and he goes, you can't love the dog dad comes down the stairs goes to the kitchen with china's hand and he goes uh you can't love the dog too much because one day it'll die jesus and then just continues moving on and everyone's like yo what the fuck man what the what the fuck and i was like same thing for you dad yeah but maybe that's why i'll start disrespecting you you're not gonna be here in 20 years. Why the fuck am I not going to call you a dickhead? Is that your parenting philosophy, you fucking piece of shit? Dude, it was crazy because he just kept moving. He didn't stop to tell us that.

He just said it like as he was sipping and moving. You were like, that was upsetting. And the entire night is ruined. And I'm going to think, and I've thought about that for years. Yeah, yeah. Now every time you hear the word shy, you think you're dead dog. You got to dump all the money. Yeah, yeah. Now every time you hear the word shy, you think you're a dead dog. You got to dump all the... Do more.

Yeah, yeah. Because it's going to die. Yeah. Dude, my dad used... I still have... You know, I don't know if this is true, but I usually don't start my sentences. I like that.

No, we're fucking family here, dude. I always love doing that to my friends. Like, uh-huh, you're sad? What the fuck, dude? Now, I've been waiting for you to do that. Why do you think I'm hanging it out of you? Why are you hanging his hand out there? Uh-huh, you're set. And someone's like, what the fuck, dude? Now, I've been waiting for you to do that. Why do you think I'm hanging it out here? You're like, hang your hand out there. Yeah, uh-huh, you're set, Tom.

It's like a first Tinder date. She'll grab it. I do that to my, one time, one of my friends, I went like this, I go, hey, man, something. And he goes, and I said something, he goes, yo, don't ever fucking boop me. Would you fucking boop me right now?

And I go, I didn't even think about that. And he goes, don't ever. Just talk. Just talk. I don't need a fucking signal that you're starting. I don't know. I'm always jealous

of people like that. I always like people that like, you know, I'm an affectionate person. First time I met you, we were very emotionally available.

We were talking about that. He goes, yeah, you guys met at that speakeasy in Austin. He goes, I didn't see you the whole night.

It was just you and Tommy trying to make out at out for four hours listen man i treat my friends whether they're new or old like uh like european soccer players i want to give them emotional affection as far up into the point where my mouth's not touching the bird soccer players they they hug by touching foreheads. They celebrate. They touch foreheads and their eyes are locked in right here. And they grab the back of their neck when they kiss. It's like, listen, man, be comfortable in your own skin. I like that Italian shit. I like that. I like that.

It's nice. Like a loud Italian woman just yelling at you. And I'm like, you're so cool. You're so hot. You're so fucking cool. I wish I had the courage to do it. I wish I had the courage. Yeah.

I just live in fear that the moment I put my hand on somebody, they'll be like, what the fuck? Yeah. What the fuck is happening? Yeah. Well, it is testing the waters. It is. It is.

You got to totally plunge. But it's like anything else. If you go in full bore, they won't resist. Dude, speaking of, I'm fucking Joe Rogan II right now. Yeah. What does that mean? I did a sauna for the first time. I went to a resort for my girl's birthday.

If I did that right now, I'm telling you, I would diarrhea. No, you wouldn't. No, right now. You'd feel amazing. Right now. You'd feel amazing. That's really good. Really?

Dude, this guy was very nice. I only wanted to do it for an hour. She got like a day pass. And he's like, you want to check out the facilities? I'm like, nah, I'm going to go to the gym and then just drink by the pool. And he's like, well, just go through. See if you like it. And he just put a bracelet on me.

He's like, well, come back at like 11. So I go in there. I'm sitting in the sauna, the dry sauna, which is the only thing I know. And I look across the hallway, and it's just a steam room. The door opens up, steam comes out. I'm like, that's what I need. I've been drinking for, I don't know, 15 years. So I need to steam out.

I get in the steam room. There's the male facilities. I can't see anyone. And finally this guy walks in and I'm like, oh fuck. But he's got long shorts and guys with long shorts that go in there, they're not there to suck your bird. You know what I mean? They're regular dudes. He was a regular guy it's their first time too

you're wearing clam diggers dude you also don't know about the steam room you guys got a fishing rod so i i broke the silence because i was like yo i don't want to be awkward and i know you don't want to talk. It's like talking to an Uber driver. Wait, it was only one other guy? Yeah. Oh, so it's you and that other guy in there.

Yeah, so I was like, can you just give me the process, right? Because it's an intricate process that I never learned, never dated before. So you're supposed to do dry sauna at like 175, 180 for like 10, 15. And then you're supposed to go to the wet sauna or the wet steam room, which is a wet sauna i guess for like 15 max i was already in there for 20 when i started asking questions and uh he's like yeah you do you do the 15 the 15 or 10 yeah and then you there's a outside there's

an ice bath there's a little cold plunge shit. That you're supposed to submerge into. Kind of like shocking like vegetables. Shock, yes. Yeah, yeah. And then they have a hot tub after that. You're supposed to sit in

for a few minutes. I did two rounds, baby. I fucking, in the steam room you're sweating out everything. All the toxins, right? It's so good.

It's amazing. You've done it? When I got really fat, I got fat in, I was living in Switzerland. When I got really fat, I got fat. I was living in Switzerland. When I got really fat, I got fat. I like the reiteration. The second time was so funny.

Dude, if you get fat, you'll sell out theaters. You put on 60 pounds, dude, you will sell out theaters tomorrow. I got fat living in Switzerland eating cheese. What a cool sentence. What a fucking cool sentence. What a fucking cool thing. I had to come back. You on a cheese diet?

Yeah. Because I heard that's a thing. I was just straight up fondue and just like cheese all the time, dude. Everything comes. Hey, more like fondone. You know what I mean? How you doing? There you go. How you doing?

I just walked out. This is why the writers were stuck. I also do want to say I love watching these fucking goofy, hairy monsters holding like, you know, Crayola signs up on their Instagram pictures. Dudes that we've known for years. It's like, why don't you work on this time to get the gummy bears out of your belly button instead of sitting on the corner of fucking Santa Monica Boulevard? No one gives a shit, dude. It is tough offense it is tough because i'm sorry for your loss i support i support the writers of course but but but it is nuts because it's like i'm like i support the writers and then i'll go on twitter and all these people that sucked that i thought quit comedy yes turns out they're writers turns out they're making eight grand a week.

Dude, there's like so many, like all of those like just. Dude, there's three Philadelphia comedians that were so atrocious on stage that are getting consistent writing work. Yes. Which I get. And every one of those like female comics that were like just whinging about everything forever

and you're like, finally they quit. They like disappeared. Turns out they moved to LA and joined a writing staff, and now they're back talking again. It's like, Jesus Christ. And then all of a sudden, you're like, dude, fucking burn it to the ground. I don't care.

I don't care. These are the people writing this shit? All right, counter-argument. I'll say this, and I've said this a bunch of fucking times. So few people, I think, like, there's people that can do comedy and people that I think are stand-ups. 100%.

The bones of it. I do believe it. It's like the way that you're built. Yeah. Like your DNA, the way your brain works and how you think. Yes. You're like, I can watch someone.

I'm like, yeah, you're filling the time. You're doing comedy. You're writing jokes. jokes you're performing jokes you're not a comic you're just someone that's doing and i think that's why the writing stuff comes in because they don't have to perform that shit they can be mental i can't sit down i'm like i'm not talking about the people that are talented to do that i know there's writers i know there's performers we are we argued the other night i was thinking about that i don what it was. He brought up a comic and he's like, you think that guy's good. Yeah, there's no fucking way.

He's okay. And he goes, you fucking think that guy's good. That's whiskey. It was just this for an hour. He goes, so you think that guy's good. I go, I think he's okay. And he's like, you fucking, this fucking, for one hour.

People were leaving. People were like, I don't want to talk to you guys anymore. It is excruci is extremely painful to see no like they'll go from one canceled show to the next the way uh executives do in in in in the industry like it's like you were a showrunner for a show that was absolute dog shit 10 times how are you then again running another show well i looked at so like the comics who were like on stage they were writing clever shit yeah right then they were like not they're just not and

you're like i get that they like found their place yeah yeah but there's other people that literally dude i if you go to the patreon there's an entire list of people the fucking fbi watch list of people i don't know i went down a rabbit hole slow roll like the end of the oscars everybody that died dude dude hold on one more thing i actually had

an idea where they should because people are never accountable when i'm going back to the executive thing they're never held accountable they're never if you lose a job, they treat them like priests that have been molested. They just send them to another parish. I didn't know they did that.

Yeah. That's pretty cool. That's how the Catholic church hides them. They can touch someone and they're like, all right, we're moving you over to the west. You're going to Boston now. Yeah. It's like, this is Father Ferris.

This guy's cool. He likes volleyball. Then all of a sudden he's got fucking two digits up your ass. He's like, get over to fucking St. Patrick's anyway that's what they do I know like three or four people three or four people shut up that was really good

let me enjoy this first let me enjoy the priest touching someone later but that's I think that's what they do and writers often times that I believe probably aren't as good as they they they seem to be yeah or just they're they're sent to another yeah that's your fucking deal but it's because these writers rooms have like the locker room mentality they they they

talk shit against like for us yeah yeah like me you shane mcke McKeever we had like a locker room mentality like by the bar like a helium you know when Trevor grabbed that pussy and that was fun well these all comics

would be like you guys are bullies you guys are this you guys are that and now just start your own thing just start your they didn't

it died it died quick can I like really quickly like you know who's the fucking like king and queens of that is the alt people too oh yeah I, like, really quickly, like, you know who's the fucking, like, king and queens of that? It's the alt people, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, they're like, oh, you're like one of those, and you're like, dude, you're doing the same shit that, like, It's just people. It's just people. It's just people. But people do that. We can go to clubs.

We can go to Union Hall. We can go to some black box dinner. We'll be fine. We're not really worried about it, but I'm like, you guys are the ones that are doing the same shit, and it's just a really stupid fucking philosophy and mentality. That's what some of the writer's strike tweets feel like. 100%.

There's always going to be that, though. There's going to be some office where they make fucking printer paper. And there's going to be the worst version of that in the corner. Like, this fucking... I don't think it's a comedy thing. I really do think it's like just a people thing. Yeah, anyway, the memoriam idea I have for the Oscars is all of the shows that died with all the EPs connected to it at the end,

just like they do for the old dead actors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It should just be like whatever show Comedy Central greenlit, it went one of the two seasons because they had to because they weren't the same face and then all the executives yeah all the EPs toss them up there everyone associated with it yeah

I want to see their death date there was a New York comic this lady that I always was just like what the fuck is the point of her life and I think I know who you're talking about. And she would complain. All she did is complain of her life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, what is the point of your life? You're a comedian, and all you're doing is tweeting problems, like newspaper articles. Oh, yeah, well, it's victimhood, right? Like, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me. And she made some song about,

like, she made some song, which Comedy Central filmed for some reason. Oh, is this the tampon song? Yes. And she was like. Dude, Mullen and, I'm on a text chain about this this morning. Oh, really? Dude, it was, she made a song. Because when Sally Ride went to space,

like, the NASA guys were like, how many tampons do you need? Like 100? She was going for like six days. Six days, yeah. Which is actually- Which is crazy. Sometimes you get heavy flow, you could burn through three in a day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Imagine being like a NASA. I don't know what a woman is. You're like 100. Of course. That's the guy I want doing my taxes. I want a fucking astronaut that doesn't know pussy like a hundred

but how nice is that that's like a that's like a woman if there was women taking care of us every ounce every ounce you send into space

is like costs fuel that's why I won't go so they're willing to give her a hundred dude that's like someone had to really work to get all hundred on there.

But a woman not knowing, like let's say we went to the beach for a weekend. She's like, how many kegs do you need? That's like her packing the car with like 17 kegs. I got a six pack. And it's like, you're an idiot, but thank you. It's very thoughtful. You want to make sure I got enough. And I get that. You're trying.

You got water on your brain because you're a monkey. But I really appreciate the thought. That's what should be the end result. The song that she made is literally just saying what happened. Like she didn't there's no layers to it. There's no added comedy.

She's just saying what happened. And then some tampon company made a TikTok ad that just had the text about what happened right and she was like they stole this and it was like you're an idiot this is the other thing she was like i really hate it when people are like i'm like like if your first thought is they stole it i'm like you think you're the only person that thought that yeah especially that like, what do you mean? That's national news.

Yeah, like, when people see something, they're most likely going to end up at that same thing. Yeah. Which is why it's like, you want to get to the second or third thing. But if you're going, like, the first route, it's like, of course everyone landed there. Dude, and also, like, acting on that.

Yeah, and be like, isn't it funny, like, Stephen Hawking cheated on his wife? That's funny. That is funny. That's funny. Yeah. But it's like, that's funny. But then I saw someone else go, isn't it funny that Stephen Hawking cheated on his wife that's funny that is funny that's funny yeah but it's like that's but then i saw

someone else go isn't it funny that stephen hawking cheated on his wife like they read the same wikipedia yeah yeah i wouldn't be like you stole my bit yeah that's my whole thing i was like i'm like how could you how could you just a data point yeah how did you think you're the only person that ever got there and then use your brain to be like i bet that person also yeah was like thinking the same way i was well there is linear thought likely parallel thinking then especially if you've added nothing to the yeah yeah you know what i mean there's no personal take about the sally ride thing it's just can't can you believe this happened yeah me chris and mckeever did a She's writing on shows. He's going to keep going. You know what I'm saying?

The pot ends and Chris is walking back. He's like, She went to nobody. Just like a fucking mental patient. The hardest part is finding a gap where there's a little pause. You start something and he's like, She's a fucking idiot. Now I've got to start over again.

Can you imagine You hiring this person That's actually why I love it We'll do this on a bar I'm like this is the best You gotta let him burn out But then he'll have like a separate fuel recharge And he's just How many seconds do you think he's done

He's catching breath He's breaching the surface Right back Right back at it Just in the car Yeah, baby. He's catching breath. He's breaching the surface. He's going, right back. Right back at it. Just in the car. I brought this up right before we started. We were at the Union Hall on Monday, and I started this thing, and I was going on the thing.

And I could see in my head, I go, I forgot what I was talking about. And I go, but if I just keep talking, I'll figure it out. And you were paying so much attention. And I was like, oh man, he's really locked in. And at the end I go, I lost my train of thought. And he just stopped and he goes, what? And I go, I don't know what I was talking about. And then he just fucking started laughing.

I was like, thank you. I know that you know this. Because most people would be like, I have to go to the bathroom. I'd like to find an exit with him. I could just land the plane badly. Most sentences I start, I don't know how they're going to end. You know what I mean? I'm just hitting the ramp. And hope I come down clean on the other side.

That's 100% why this podcast is good. Because that's my entire embodiment. It's like I have a first sentence real thought. And then I'm like, all right, now what? Yeah. Oh, shit. Dude, I'm that guy by right, now what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. Dude, I'm that guy by himself with no friends with seven lines in the water.

You know that drunk dad that, like, puts the poles, the chutes in the beach? There's seven fucking lines. That's me trying to get out of this football conversation. Dude. Look, smart technology has replaced all the old formats. FitBod is a new AI technology. Did you rehearse this?

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fitbod.me slash stuffisland. That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash stuffisland. You should know how to spell stuffisland. By now? Yeah. Stuff, not that hard. By now? Yeah. Stuff, not that hard.

Island can get tricky. There's an S in there. That's all you got. I can't get over how you do these. All right. Do you remember how fucking drunk those bartenders were at that bar that we went to? Which one? Union?

The second, no, the second bar we went to. Dude, honestly, no, because I did this. I sat down. Because he was bartending. No, no. I was like, you guys wanted to doending no no yeah i was like this is how cool this is how cool it was the craziest thing i've ever seen the fun part about being on strike though because i just go i go yeah i'm on strike i don't have and people just give you drinks i like we're still getting paid right this is my last week of pay well here's this is again how stupid i am because i heard like's, this is again, how stupid I am. Cause I heard like NBC. They were like,

we'll pay you while you're on strike. You're like, nah. I heard like, I was worried. Wait, oh no. I mean, yes,

I mean, yes, I mean, yes, yes, yes. Um, um,

I, I heard like NBC and like Fallon, we're going to pay like, NBC is going to pay two weeks. Fallon's going to pay one more week out. Right. So I call one of my, um,

office mates and I go, that's pretty cool. And, uh, and the person, she goes, um, he goes, well, I think they're going to pay the staffers, not us. And I go, well, what do you mean not us? And she goes, well, we're kind of the ones causing the problem, Zod. And I go, yeah, that makes sense.

And she goes, yeah, I don't think they pay you to stop working. And I go, when you say it like that, I should jump off a bridge. Yeah, you're like, oh, trainee pace. Such a dumb... In my head, I was like, that's fucking cool of them that we stopped and they're like, just take it. Just take the money. And she's like, no, it's for everyone else that we're affecting.

And I was like, all right, I'm going to go rethink a couple of things in the living room over there. What the hell are we striking for? I got to cancel this 1-800-Flowers. Save it for my own funeral. That's like, that's how, again,

like where the filter stops you go, I didn't think about this at all. I just was like, oh yeah, paying us. Dude, back to that fucking

parallel thinking thing because this has been chapping my ass for a while. You know what I'm getting at. There's a comedy sketch group or there's a group of dudes. I don't know if they're a sketch group in LA. That did

me, McKeever, and Chris did a sketch nine years ago? Eight years ago called Man Hears for the First Time. I love that sketch. Yeah, it's great. It's been redone to a T. Some kid remade it like line for line. By the way, when we met,

I had watched it afterwards and I think I hit you up and I was like, that's you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it has like, it went like global. It's so funny. Some other kid's version of it went like viral.

Oh yeah, not us. I thought yours. No, the hack version. Some guy like redid it. He wrote our fucking sketch wrote our fucking pretty much line for line it's crazy it's crazy yeah it's crazy the point where here's the thing this woman is made a tampax for some hack line that that's obviously been thought of a million times yeah this person actually this is dude and the the act outs I got on that too like the same thing

where I'm like that is not parallel thinking that is like insane yes yeah to the point where like i'm gonna have to post about it i've been trying not to but like it's like so absurd no you should if it's like if it's like clearly like that then you have yeah but it's what's no good's gonna come i just want to get it out of my fucking heart it's like what there's no court you can go to for i started losing sight in my left eye because it's on my head every day Yeah, I'll be healthy like losing your mind The whole time he's like what It's a great Bud Light commercial

it's like that dude Bud Light you're deaf fuck you that's how they would get him back dude you gotta get the boys back yeah you got

I think the pendulum has to swing the other way so far the other way it's gotta be like a dad with a gun he's like I love my gun Bud Light

you gotta take some fat kid with purple bangs and jam him into a locker you know what I mean you gotta go hard masculine energy yeah yeah yeah. They should.

There should be a company that really goes for that. Yeah. It's like, oh, I got it. It just confused people. I got it. It's always, that's the thing. I want you to, I want to confuse people. Yeah, yeah.

There's a ticket line blocking a highway, and they want to stop traffic and cause a scene to redirect PETA and the actions against animals and you just hear slow galloping in the back and it's the budweiser clydesdales yeah yeah and they rummage through the whole fucking picket line kill everyone skulls are exploding it's like that scene in gladiator when the kid gets fucking pulled over and the wagon holding 17 cases of bud is like it's like We're bad Yeah

Protests And they shoot the horse at the end? Fuck me. Did you flip it? Yeah. There's people that blocked the subway protesting. And I was just like, who's going to notice? The other people waiting

for the train are just going to be like, oh, fucking train. Also, I would grab all the ankles and just... Yeah, yeah, yeah. The people who do this shit, they're malnourished. Touch that third rail. They're all built like matchsticks. Which I think is fine.

I'm barreling. I just want to say that. I think that is a fine thing to be. If you have a stick body, that is cool, and I like it. You look like one of those matches you can light off any sir. Yeah Rub my head against a brick wall walk away cool as shit I was talking about this the other day this is completely random but one of the funniest things that's ever happened

is like you know this is why I like the being a smoker guy like when you're outside of a bar and you're smoking you just get like a second to take a break and take a breath from everything and this guy in Houston like outside a cigarette room one time he's like making out with this girl and I'm having a cigarette and she leaves and he looks over at me and goes,

he goes, I hate to watch them go, but I love to see their butts. Walks inside, and I go, I think that's the funniest thing anyone has ever said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if you even tried to make it a joke, or if you said it for real. It was so cool. You don't know what the saying is. Yeah, and I go, did you fuck that up, or was that? Because if you fucked it up, that's funny.

If you said that genuinely, that's even funnier. You like to watch him walk away. Yeah, and I go, did you fuck that up or was that? Because if you fucked it up, that's funny. Yeah, I think the line is even funnier. You like to watch them walk away. Yeah, yeah. He goes, love to see their butts. And then walked back inside the money. He's like, you know what I mean? And then walked inside. I was like, what?

Also, you didn't get the prize. The purpose is you walk with them to their apartment. Yeah. And mash genitals. You're not cool for hooking up with a girl and watching her walk off. It was perfect, dude. But he walked back inside. We should either get that guy more shots

or never serve him again. That's brilliant. That's the kind of guy that hops on a horse and goes the other direction. Yeah. You can't just use your legs after saying something that cool, dude. You gotta go, yeah! Yeah, you have to do a cool thing right afterwards. Holy shit. So that's it it we should just end it i'm actually pretty much done i want to talk about how drunk these fucking bar i've never seen anything like oh yeah it was absolutely

shit-faced yeah and and then he was what time was this this was like 3 a.m yeah yeah this was this was pretty uh you shouldn't have been there They probably were trying to get the fuck out. No, it was crowded. This was the crazy part. I was leaving Union Hall because I had a couple of drinks in me. Oh, my God. I was like...

I sound like a horse, right? I was leaving, and then I see Chris, and I go, well, I guess this is going to be a fucking insane night. Yeah. I was walking down.

We hadn't seen each other in a little bit, and then we did that, and it went on went on and on dude i put my fucking collar up like like the like mcgruff the crime dog if i see a dude that i know i'm that's another three hours walking out you know what i mean like there's a guy that just like smells like cocaine you're like i was walking i was like i know what i had three drinks it's monday i came in here just to like support the show come watch it and then i saw you i was like all I know what? I had three drinks. It's Monday. I came in here just to like support the show. Come watch it. And then I saw you and I was like,

all right, well, I guess we'll just do this for forever. Yes. And boy, did we do it? Was this last night? No,

this was Monday. It was Monday. You got sauce last night too. Yeah. Yeah. I got, I remember this cause we were sitting at that, we were sitting at that bar and I said,

I said like a fucked up joke. And this is how cool everyone was because like i knew i was too drunk and everyone got quiet they go and we're gonna move right past and i go thank god these are like awesome like i was like i'm too drunk to make jokes like and like someone like just move right past and i was like all right hell yeah friends just like solidarity like don't listen to that guy he's just been sitting and people are handing him drinks. I never left the chair that I was sitting in. Dude, every conversation I had after we started drinking for real was terrible.

I was saying that kid sucked. Then I got in a fight with some random dude about AI. I was just like, everything was bad. And then I was like, I'm fucking wasted. And then the bartenders... Dude, this guy was so drunk. You almost get like podcast drunk you almost get drunk to the point where like you start firing out things to to get through the last 20 minutes of a podcast with strangers you know what i mean like when you just don't have it you're like don't give a fucking god ain't real

and you're like dude calm down i love i love that line you have it in your act where you go yeah well could God built a rock so heavy he can't even lift it fucking level every so funny I used to do that kind of guy like when you revert back to that you're like but dude this guy this bartender was just paying some like he was paying a like homeless trans kid i guess you don't remember this fight he was buying drugs how do you how do you know he's paying him to wash tables i don't remember this shit at all and then the kid wandered behind the bar and the other you can't do that you're trans butt light fuck you And the other part you're

The kid wandered behind the bar and the other bartender was like what the fuck are you? They were really and then that kid was like Baby to wash the tables you're not even gonna pay me and the other guy was too drunk to even like describe what happened It was crazy. See, dude. No, I don't remember that at all. Was I there? Or did I have it left? I don't know. That's just crazy. The thought that makes a difference.

Yeah, yeah. You know? Like, what does it matter? That's what I've always said. I was like, imagine, imagine. It's like me sexually assaulting someone. Like, I'm Italian. Yeah, yeah.

Whoa. Yeah, what's the problem? Yeah. Officer, it's cool. Yeah, yeah. Whoa. Yeah, what's the problem? Yeah. Officer, it's cool. Yeah. Look, look, look, a horn. Yeah, yeah. So funny.

You got like a, you're 23 and me. In a little glass cube. 87%. Take it or leave it. Come here, pussy. I was talking to my friend, that girl. She was like, I went was she was like in Italy She goes like this guy came up and like just straight up like reach under my skirt and she was the fuck you doing

She goes you know you like it Well, what do you put it like that? You can't be like yeah you like With some foreign accent. Yeah, what's up, man? You're like, all right, I like it. I was just, you know. I didn't mean the, can I get you a drink or something? Oh, my God, dude.

Last night. Last night. He's like, I did that. And we're like, I got to get out of here. He just admits. He's like, yeah, last night I did that. Again, one of the craziest things I've ever seen. I'd never seen this before.

We're hanging around and talking to these girls. It was like me and Mike Turner. And there's this one other guy. Love Turner, man. The best. Yeah, he's the man. And there's this one other guy. And the guy was like so old, but like trying to hang on to his youth in a way that was like no no no this was like

how old we talking he didn't have it what how old are we talking he was like 50 okay but like you know every dog's gonna die chris and the girls dude the girls were talking to her like 22 right oh yeah and he's and're like, not feeling this guy. He's trying to show them pictures of his motorcycle. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's really bad. And his band, he was going through his Instagram showing pictures of him playing the guitar.

Yeah, it was brutal. Did he have cheesy tattoos that he wants? I didn't see any tattoos. But then he goes, they were kind of getting ready to go a little bit. And he was like, don't leave. I ordered shots. Oh, God.

So he goes, he comes back with a tray of shots. Never mind, I'm back in. That guy's cool as shit. He goes, he comes back with a tray full of shots. And they go, lemon drops? We don't want it. No, it was straight tequila. And they're like, this smells terrible.

I don't, we don't want this. Yeah, we don't even, yeah, we wanted none of this. So then he goes back. Yeah, five day breaks. And so they're like, this smells terrible. We don't want this. So then he goes back. And so they're just sitting. There's just a pile of shots sitting on the table. He goes back and he gets another round of shots that's like, he got a round of shots called Pink Pussy. This guy sucks so fucking hard.

He brought them over to the table. And now they were like, yeah, we still don't want We don't want yeah, the order It's not what you order. Yes Fucking Bud Light dude also he bought he bought like 10 shots he bought like 10 shots

it's like two sets of like 10 shots I hope he took them all and I hope he spent like a thousand dollars on shots that nobody wanted yeah cause his daughter won't talk to him that's why dude no one at one point he goes,

yeah, I'm divorced. Yeah, of course. There's no way that you're not that. Oh yeah, so are my parents. God, I hope that bike is wrapped around a fucking telephone pole. That's what you do when you're fucking just like, it's not going well. Dude, I remember, I hope that bike is wrapped around a fucking telephone pole. Oh, dude. That's what you do when you're fucking just, like, it's not going well. You do all those things.

Dude, I remember I bartended one summer for, yeah, like three, four months when I was 26. Just to know what it was like. It was probably the best thing ever. Yeah, yeah. And there used to be two guys that would come on the weekends. I was 26, and I thought that was like, I'm on the cusp, right? Going like 26 to 35. Yeah, yeah.

And this is not like a, a grungy bar just to go hang out. This is like a nightclub in a way. Okay. Like there was a line and like velvet rope and type shit. Yeah. It didn't deserve it, but it was just-

It's got loud bumping music. No one's dancing. No one's dancing. Everyone's standing so close together. Yeah. I literally have this in my thing. I go, anytime there's a velvet robe, I'm like, you take a velvet rope to anything. And all of a sudden I'm like, what's going on there's standing so close together. I literally have this in my thing. I go, anytime there's a velvet robe, I'm like, you take a velvet robe to anything.

And all of a sudden, I'm like, what's going on there? Yes, of course. Anytime. Yeah. They have them outside of hookah bars. It's just a bunch of fat Latinas throwing up. Put it in front of a subway and be like, can I have one? Just immediately, something about the red velvet robe.

I'm like, why can't I get in? Why won't you let me in? I hate the velvet robe. Anyway, there was this one guy, and it was the same thing. I remember looking at him. He was a handsome guy but he was probably 50 and every night he would try and fucking scoop up a young girl 23 22 21 years old he might have been older than that and just sit there with like fucking like a beard like mine in the suit talking like the suit is when it gets like also extremely crazy you're like hey man that's

just clothes like you're such a weird person to think that that's gonna work it's even weirder when it works i've seen it walk out with young girls yeah the other thing is even weird when you see it work because you go like how did that that's all it took yeah you got to be such a scumbag multiple days for the year to get one you know know what I mean? To finally catch that wide mount bass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have such people where I'm like, I always think it's like, you know, like on a,

I guess, I don't know if this is weird, but like, I always think like, you know, when someone's like, oh, he's dating a 22 year old. I'm like, well, hold on. Is it like a pattern based thing or is it a one-off? Because it's a one-off.

Maybe that person actually likes that person. And that's cool. But if you see somebody like that, that's like kind of fishing yeah like that's insane because like there's got to be like i just hate the thing where like every guy's a creep i'm like that guy's not a creepy maybe just sad and it sucks yeah but when you see him like he's like that's the thing that i do i go that's the creep yeah the pattern the serial killer pattern i mean visually too like i get it you know like i'm at an age where like i think the mom and the pattern the serial killer pattern i mean visually too like i get it you know like i'm at an age where like i think the mom and the daughter look hot you know what i mean

like i'm i can sway either way yeah good i'm still in that zone but once you hit 50 stay in the moms yeah your moms only there's no more babysitting dude get the fuck out of here yeah it has you're going to a nice sit down dinner you're not going to a fucking club to hang out Yeah, it has to turn. You're going to a nice sit-down dinner. You're not going to a fucking club to hang out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It has to turn you off when you're fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To look at your old body. Yeah, but. Fucking a young girl. Some people aren't built like that.

You just gotta hate this. Look at your old body. Yeah, you're just looking at yourself like, God damn it. Just Weinstein's decaying dick. Yeah, yeah. Getting sucked back into his nutsack. Yeah, dude. Just drooling over a fucking girl that wants a part. Old man balls. Ew. Yeah, yeah. Getting sucked back into his nutsack. Yeah, dude. Just drooling over a fucking girl that wants a part.

Old man balls. Ew. Yeah. We're going to get there. Even if he had a perfect dick, seeing him naked would make me throw up. There is no way that guy had a perfect dick. No, they brought it up in court. They showed a picture of his weird penis.

No, they didn't. Yeah. Weinstein? Yeah. They did? Yeah. That's a real thing? I'm not kidding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like part of the prosecution's case. his dick. They didn't have to they were like They were making the cases like we're trying to emphasize how non-consensual this sex is Yeah, who would fuck this man? Yeah. Well? Well, I think that's also like... He's like, I showed the photos of my motorcycle. I thought they liked it. Dude, it was like a peanut with lesions that was laying on like... Lesions? Like laying inside of a bean bag. Like a swollen

nut sack. Did you actually see? I haven't seen the picture. Yeah, I've seen it. Oh my God. I think that that's why you become like a crazy person like that. You're like, this sucks, so I'm going to become like the Napoleon complex. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm like the same person. It's like a fucking make it weird forever. Yeah, dude. Again, any, any, this is coming back to the Mr. Beast thing. It's like. Money rots the brain. It's like, if anyone. You know, he cures blindness.

Anyone working this hard on something that doesn't matter this much has a weird penis or they like to fuck kids there's no way you would hide from I have said this you know

your life you're running from something your life his brain was just like miming a box at the moment he's like how do i finish that i'm like dismounted you ever hear that you ever hear that experiment you ever hear that do you ever hear that experiment do you ever hear that experiment where they they like they they tie like a little like string to a like a rat's tail air mouse and then they put like a piece of cheese and it like tugs and they like measure how hard like a hungry mouse they measure how hard it's like pulling to get the cheese and then they put like a cat behind it and measure

that and it pulls like way harder no this is insane yeah yeah and they're like you know it's like you need not only do you need something to to go for but you need something you're running from to like really work gotcha gotcha gotcha and if you're a pedophile you're running pretty fucking hard yeah there's always an fbi guy behind you oh man he's trying to get a piece of that kid cheese. When you started saying that, I forgot about pedophiles completely. And then you were like, so when you kids, I was like, oh. Yeah. Just like mind blown.

Fuck. I imagine like also like, wow, why? Like talking to a kid is like, it's so awful. Are you talking about, like, a young girl? Like, 22, 23-year-old kid? Or just, like, a, I was going to make a joke, and it was bad. I was like, or, like, a hot guy. That's just only making me laugh.

Just a hot young guy. Just a hot guy. He's, like, 26. Like, that's not a pedophile. You are gay. Yeah, yeah. They are dumb as shit.

And if they're not, they're not at that bar. Yeah, yeah. That's why I want to find a smart, hot kid. Genius. NBC's like, yep, we're going to cut this fucking guy. Just cracking a six back in the library. They're taking a test and you're over their shoulder like, yep, we're going to cut this fucking guy. Just cracking a six back in the library. They're taking a test and you're over their shoulder like, yes.

Have you seen my motorcycle? Dude, it must be. It's such a, it's fucking just so dumb. It's also like, I don't even know why you're... Who has, literally, this is the oldest thing i'm like who has the energy no it is yeah it is that yeah it's the same thing with that guy at the bar

who's just like always waiting around to find yeah dude you gotta have something else to do with your time go watch a movie yeah the worst case scenario eyeball what'd you say i push my contact behind my eye oh my god that can? I pushed my contact behind my eye. Oh, my God. That can happen? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One time I had like three back there.

What? I swear to God. Do you ever see that fucking... Are you kidding? You ever see that video? You had one behind your eye and you put another one on top? Yeah, because I thought it popped out. I've done that too. Dude, there's a video...

It can actually like... It just gets soft, so you kind of forget it's there because you can't feel it. And then eventually it'll come out and you're like, what the... Yeah. You'll literally like blink harder look this way watch you'll see it you'll see it pop out it's like when a girl forgets there's a tampon in her pussy i don't like the way that i say pussy so i tried to just it was worse yeah yeah yeah it's like when you ask a guy somebody to whisper like you're with somebody, and you go, you go, shh, and you go, sorry. I was like, that's way worse than how you were talking.

The whisper is so much louder. Do you ever hum when you're going down on a woman? Do you ever hum? I try to. You say it like, blah. Yeah. Do you ever do like a low baritone? Like, mm, make it a little vibrator-ish?

I wonder if like musical people are like, she always comes if I do like an A. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm a musical person. Do you hum certain notes when you're in person? No, because that would be insane. That would be the, no, I play the xylophone like a regular person. Just like trying to hum.

You got a tuning fork right before you go down on it? You're like, hold on, hold on. Damn, your pussy is 440. It's crazy. You got perfect pitch down here. Dude, there's a video on Twitter of this girl. I guess she just went to the doctor because there was something wrong with her eye. And there's a video.

You know what that's like. There's a video. This guy's fucking trying to make his left eye come. There's a video of her eye like this, and the doctor is pulling maybe 25-30 contacts from the back of her fucking eyeball. It's wonderful to watch. It's like that, you know, that pimple popper. I hate the pimple. I can't. Me too. I love it.

But this is... What? I love it. Some of them I like. I want to do it. I want to do it. I want to just like... I just want to fucking... You want to do it? I want to do it. I want to do it. I want to do it I want to just fucking be pulling I was gonna say like that's one of the fans like I got it nice Hey, you're gonna go put it in. Yeah, holy shit

I did not think that's like a that's like a girl thing like I know like a lot of the people that like that watch The pinball power shit. It's like women that like love that shit. Yeah. Yeah, I had I had like this this like fucking bit Yeah, I was with my friend Brittany. She's like can i pop that and i go it's not ready yet and also fucking no like don't ask me that shit yeah but like it's so many women that love them like what is that part but what's the part like like what i don't know it's probably some like ape shit where it's like i just i watch it's the same way it's like it's like when they you know they grew when monkeys groom each other you know what i mean they like take that that as like, it's like when they, you know, they grew, when monkeys groom each other, you know what I mean?

They like take that, that I'm okay with. It's kind of like the same thing. This is like the, what comes out is so like, like disgusting and shitty that I'm like, I can't watch it. But it's like,

it's, I don't know. It's a release. It's gotta be, it's probably clean, right? What do you mean? I don't know.

This is your body's like cleaning itself. Yeah. Getting rid of that shit. It's like a disinfectant. It's gotta be. You get pimples? Uh, yeah, I mean, I was your body's like cleaning itself. Yeah, I get it right. It's like a disinfectant It's got to be you get pimples. Uh Yeah, I got I got one on my forehead But I don't get him a lot on the Sun. Well, I burnt his fuck Yeah yesterday two days ago. I was in the Sun. I was just sitting in a park

I sit in a park on a blanket reading Rick Rubin's book We gotta wait for time to come back I'll tell you about the the Rick Rubin thing cuz you met him yeah Okay, I soft met him He was in the room He came in for a writer's room thing but I was like I want a time to come back so I could tell you cuz I'm like I Think my big music guy even like I told you like I don't listen like a lot of podcasts. Yeah And generally we talked about like I'm on there like I don't really even like like a lot of podcasts

Yeah, yeah, cuz I also think like it's the same thing like so many people have them that you're like It's like stand up. You're like don't do this. This is not your thing. Yeah, don't you know? I'm like, oh, that's a bad one talkers we're talking about a Rick Rubin because he was telling medical Also, I was pancreas or some shit. So yeah. Well, yeah, I was reading the book cuz it's like he's a fascinating dude He's he's like oh fascinating. You guys already recommended that to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, cuz he's like

Continue well, he's obviously he's involved in like a lot of great music he's just a smart mind i know but there's like that thing where you're like going into the book i'm like is this guy is he does he really have a talent or is he just good at convincing people that he's valuable i've talked to people about this because like i my degrees in music ed. I've always been obsessed with music. Whenever I'm not doing comedy, people are like,

what podcast is this? I'm like, listen to music. I don't, why would I? Yeah. And I had an argument with somebody about this because Rick Rubin did an interview on CNN, I think, recently. And their argument was like,

oh, he's a great engineer because he goes, I don't know how to work a fucking tech board. Like, I don't know how to work any of that stuff. And they go, well, then how do you like then what is your thing? And the thing that he's really good at is being a mirror for artists. So he kind of shows artists how to be themselves completely, which is what comedy is supposed to be about.

And what music should be. But so many like if you if you say like, I watch this comic and I like this, which is what comedy is supposed to be about and what music should be. But so many, like if you, if you say like, I watch this comic and I like this, people be like, Oh,

you sound like this guy. You sound like this. But in music, it's okay to, to sound like other people in comedy. It's like, you can't even get that. Like you don't want to ever have any of that. Right.

Yeah. So he's really good at pulling out. Like, see, this is the kind of talk that makes me think he doesn't actually do anything. Well, shut up Hold on check. You know what? I mean, I do feel you but on a real note like you know You know Johnny Cash when when remember like in the early 2000s Johnny Cash came out

As gay They're like Bud Light I'm Johnny and they were like Bud Light figure that shit out I'm not walking the line anymore I'm full gay I mean what's gayer than trumpets in a country song

but anyway but no he was playing fucking dinner theaters he was playing fucking dinner theaters and Rick Rubin started the Beastie like helped start the Beastie Boys worked with Chili Peppers He was playing fucking dinner theaters. He was playing fucking dinner theaters. And Rick Rubin started the Beastie,

like helped start the Beastie Boys, worked with Chili Peppers, and then found, like saw Johnny Cash working like, and he's like, this guy's like too, he's like a fucking legend. He shouldn't be doing this. And like brings him in the studio and tries to make Cash sound like Cash. And again, when he's like kind of like done,

and like he um he covered a a hurt by nine inch nails remember that yeah and that was a rick rubin idea and he's like when you play it it's way it's like its own song it's not even a cover anymore and i'm like none of us would have the brain to be like hey cover a nine inch nail song and make it so good that it's yours yeah and so when you i'm like that's the type of show i'm like i really do think that he's like he has something so he finds the voice he finds the voice if we're gonna use our comedic it's like the 10 years 15 years it may take a comedian to truly find your voice where you're not sounding like anybody or anything

except for yourself he can realign a music producer a musician and that's what he's always done so the strokes i'm a big strokes nut love them to death and you know they've gone through like a bunch of like ups and downs and like this last album like they should they want to they want a grammy for it and they should have been winning grammys before but they came into the studio and he goes um and they were never a jam band because the lead singer julian would always write the all the songs they started you know collaborating more and became more collaborative. But it lost some of, I think, what he was trying to accomplish. And they came in the studio and he goes,

you guys jam for an hour. And they were like, we've never done that. And he goes, through the jams, all this new music came out. And it was Rick's idea to be like, become glue again. Like, let me find that. And I think that's a cool thing. I love Chris's knocking this off do not gonna no no I get it Do I get it Chris has been eating like jam is really listen. There's people I think there are arms where you're like

It's hard to believe I get that I get both really a brilliant idea well if you've been you hate magic Yes Chris goes magician he goes i know that fucking rabbit's still here you fucking piece of shit what did you do with the right what well listen it's not a fluke it's not a one-off thing he's clearly done it genres exactly it's beastie boys jay-z red hot chili peppers johnny cash the strokes i'm like that guy put him anywhere yeah and he yeah he's a consultant in a way that like is exactly let's say your business is being run to the ground for fucking 20 years Like, that guy put him anywhere. Yeah. And he... Yeah, he's a consultant in a way that, like... He is exactly that.

Let's say your business is being run to the ground for fucking 20 years, and you've been hiring these other people. He's bar-rescued for your artistry. Yes, exactly. For your artistry, yeah. He finally... But much like bar-rescue and those shows,

they really don't have any talents other than... Well, then how come all those bars got rescued, Chris? No, they didn't. They didn't. Yeah, Gordon Ramsay fucking put them all in the hole. Yeah, what happens is they do some basic business management, and then they go, also, I've completely remodeled your restaurant

and bought you a half a million dollars worth of kitchen stuff. And they go, see, aren't I a genius? Yeah, that's a bad example. And then they go out of business fucking two genius yeah that's a bad example and then they go out of business fucking two weeks later and that's because they don't fire miguel the chef who doesn't know a fucking thing because he's too close to their heart i know the plots on all these goddamn shows i think i think i think i i wonder like because it's like dude if i'll tell you what my first idea if i was rick rubin if i well if I wasn't Rick Rubin... You'd be the worst Rick Rubin.

Oh, my God. If the Strokes hired me... You'd get up way late and you'd be like, I don't know, figure it out. Let me tell you this thing. If the Strokes hired me to reinvent themselves, I would be in full panic mode. And the first thing I would suggest

is you guys go in there for an hour and jam. I'm going to stay out of it. I'm gonna stay in there. It's like a teacher. And I would concoct some excuse about the glue coming back together or whatever to make it work. I would go to the bathroom while they jam and just squirt it out. He's like. It's like the hungover teacher's phone a movie on Dude and I was same thing with Johnny Cash and be like you want to cover a 90s It does sound like something you would say What do you think I heard this song the other day you want to cover Six hours just sitting there doing nothing. I would be like, dude. What do you think?

I heard this song the other day you want to cover. Please just play this for me. It does sound like something you would completely make up. It's so funny. And then he does it, and you're like, that guy's a genius. And Chris is like, I would have done the same shit, but it would have been with no knowledge whatsoever. Dude, a Rick Rubin sketch where they just hired Chris, and he's just like, guys guys go jam for a little bit

dude that is so funny an anxious fucking Rick Rubin just throwing shit out I don't know he keeps Mr. McGooing himself into like fucking perfect situations you're like god that guy's a genius I grew the beard out cause I had no fucking he gets home and

just unzips himself every night like he's just a five-year-old inside of that fucking costume back to my crayons i've been looking forward to this though yeah instead instead of no shoes you got three pairs of shoes on yourself you're so nervous dude so he i met him he came into the switer's room uh for uh for so like he came in his wife he came in his writer's room in la and uh when he's like hey rick rubin's coming don't be weird and i go why did you say that because now now I'm going to be like the weirdest person in the world. Yeah. Yeah.

And so he comes in and one of the assistants had like, what he does, he's like, he's, it's so funny because he also, you know how he looks, right? Like how he's like, he's like his. He just wears a long V-neck white shirt. He looks like a Santa Claus, like off, like off-duty Santa Claus. So he comes in and she has blankets for him because he likes to sit down like on the floor. Yeah. Like Yoda.

Yeah. And yeah, he's like an old... See, this is where the genius is. Is the whole presentation. This is where he catches. Yes, that's where the genius is. Because I wouldn't sit on the floor and meditate and they wouldn't trust my jam. This is what I do every first date.

I go right on the floor, Indian style, and I just touch her nose very gently. Dude, he takes his shoes off. Touch her nose gently. I bo, he takes his shoes off. Touch her nose gently. I boop the shit out of her. So he comes in and she hands him the blankets and he goes, put them down. And I was like, that's insane.

He puts the blankets down and he sits down and takes his shoes off and he just goes across the leg and he sits back like this and he's listening to us all pitch jokes. And I'm like, this is fucking insane. And I was talking to Whitney about it. She goes, it'll be like a loud buzzing. Wait, hold on.

Are you talking about Fallon? No, no, no. It was a writer's room in LA in October. I was writing on, Whitney Cummings was doing some roasts and then he came in to watch. He actually did? He did. Oh, okay.

She told me, she's like, yeah, we're buddies and she's coming to the room and watches. And I was like like this is fucking insane He's buddies with Whitney Cummings. He loves comedy. He loves comedy and so he's and he's like he thinks it's like Cal fired up Yeah, he's so mad and so like I come leg and And like and so at one point like I pitched a joke and I look over over, and he's awake, and he's looking right at me. And I go, so if anybody wants a child, I'm like, so that's the child. I'm yelling all of a sudden.

I'm freaking out. And I look back, and he's back in meditative state. And he just gets up, and he goes, hey, thank you guys so much, and leaves. And he leaves. As soon as he leaves, everyone's like, what the fuck? It was crazy. It also doesn't lend itself to you expressing or taking shots at a nice joke that might be out of the ordinary. No, dude. It was like crazy. It also doesn't lend itself to like you expressing or taking shots at a nice joke that might be out of the ordinary.

No, but he was cool. It was actually like a cool thing because he wasn't like, he was actually just absorbing it. And he fucking hated absorbing. He hated the word. I said absorbing. He got so fucking mad. You ever see The Prestige?

Don't. What the fuck, dude? I told you he hated magic. I told you he hated magic. You ever see the see The Prestige? Don't. What the fuck, dude? I told you you hated magic. I told you you hated magic. You ever see the movie The Prestige? Yeah, dude. Yeah. You know when they're trying to figure out how that old guy can take that bowl with the

fish in it out from under it? Yeah, yeah. And they're like, he's like, this is- Man, this better have a fucking point. Yeah, then they see him like walk into his like car or whatever. And he's like, that's the trick. That's the trick. He's faking how weak he is.

To make, yeah. All the time to sell the other shit. That's what Rick Rubin is doing. I think it's so funny that I brought this up and I go, this guy hates magic and he brings up a magic movie. No, I'm absorbing. I'm not just closing my eyes and I have no

idea what's funny. I'm absorbing. Thank you. Let me know how the book goes, by the way. You're definitely going to finish it. No, he said, I was trying to get into it he's saying you know funky shit and i'm like all right just you know absorb it arnie what do you think bud and uh and then he said that thing about his appendix did you finish the book yet do you did you like it yeah yeah i don't know if you're

here doing it i'm not saying he's a bad magician didn't i fucking tell you you hated matt i was like yeah okay and he goes here's the example magic magic example he goes he goes fucking magicians and tricksters no it's genius fucking hates me it is genius i hate magic have you you've been around magic like when someone pulls like a fucking car out of their mouth whatever the only time'm like obsessed. The only magic I like is when black dudes go fucking crazy. I'll watch on loop a montage of black guys getting fucking, going ham when they see magic. Do the walkout?

It's so fun. Do the walkout? No, they run blocks. They run out. They're out. They'll run a 5K after seeing a car fall out of an asshole. I go ham too it just isn't manifested

by running around I just I rage pure pure rage rage alright well that's our episode do you have anything

do you have anything to plug for real no I'm I'm on strike I'm on strike I think I'm supposed to open up for a win at the end of June

in Brea at the Improv but outside of that you catch me in Houston for a wedding at the end of June in Brea at the Improv. But outside of that, you catch me in Houston visiting my parents at the end of May. I got nothing going on. Do you have to hold a sign at some point? Okay, on a serious note,

I've been deep diving into the writers thing. We talked a little bit about that at Union Hall. And it's a seriously fucked issue. The more I read into it, it's like they're squashing the idea of being a career writer fucked issue the more I read into it it's like they're squashing the idea of being a career writer and the more I dig into it the more I'm like getting more amped up about like

what the strike is and what it represents and so I'm going picketing two three times a week if I can make it I also gotta get some money in so what is that doing anything or is that just a show of force stopping production and i like found out uh that night that like i talked to another writer and they were like three people on a picket is

actually a picket line so people won't cross it like production won't cross it so you find out where these productions are being held wga brings out uh has a schedule of like they have to publicly announce all these things yeah it's on their website and um i you know all the writers are going and um it's actually halting production and it's like squeezing the lifeblood out of like making them understand like how important it is so like yeah on a serious note like uh yeah i'm behind it 100 all right i know it's not fun or funny but it's no it's true i keep listen man i wish you the best and i'm like this is like we can't hang out anymore, but I wish you would. No, it'll be a thing where it's like. I'm doing magic now.

I only hang out with straights. I'll fucking fight you. I would cave immediately. I'd cave immediately. I'd be like, I know, I just. Oh, you got to come do a look at this. We'll do an indie. I really want it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so fucking down, dude. Yeah, we did a Polish dish with Artie. That's disgusting. And I'd like to bring it. He does. We'll have to throw out. The most evil guy in the world.

He's like, yeah, he fucking didn't like that shit. Listen, I'll have. We're going to find you dead, stuffed full of pierogies. Just give me. That's his calling card. Give me a week's notice so I can saran wrap all the furniture. Because you guys stink for about a week and a half. I'm sorry, dude.

I went to engineering school. I know. I love everybody. All right. See you on the pitch.