Stuff Island - Stuff Island #89: Round 2! w/ Nick Alex

Episode Date: July 12, 2023

- Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch. Each week they'll talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast... - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWt... - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconn... - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/... - Follow Nick on IG: https://www.instagram.com/nickalexcom... Support the show & go to factor75.com/stuffisland50 and enter promo code: STUFFISLAND50 for 50% off your first box Support the show & go to mintmobile.com/stuff to cut your wireless to $15/month Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What? Are you the tomato guy? Are you a podcaster? No, I think it's a running bit now. I think he's doing this on purpose. Who, him hanging around? Yeah, because I'm like, it's a pod night. He goes, I'll come by at four, and I'll be out of your hair by 14.

So how many podcasts in a row is this that you've been a part of now? It's every single one for the past month. Jesus, dude. Yeah, it's like three or four. He's constantly walking through. Yeah. It's a running bit.. He's constantly walking through. Yeah. It's a running bit. People are going to start

going, where's the tomato? It's fucking working. They're going to miss you. We're not going to eat a single one of these tomatoes. Probably. Why would you? There's rats running

across them every night. No, we got a cat. We got a yard cat. We got no rats. I'm sure there's a rat that's going to be able to sneak one cat for the millions of rats.

He's been there for 20 years, baby. He's respected around these parts Also, how good of a tomato guy are you if it's taken a month to plant one of these fucking? Why we don't we don't take care of him? We look at his t-shirt you think you guys are paying a dude to come here Weekly to pay him to your tomato. I'm paying my give water And what's the ultimate goal just some good sauce at the end of it probably yeah, well we got I'm paying him. I give him water. Oh, that's right. It's a share problem. And what's the ultimate goal? Just some good sauce at the end of it? Yeah, well, we got... A look at dish episode? Yeah, it'll be a look at dish episode.

It's for the look and feel. Those tomato plants are going to die. The look and feel of what? Chris's going to piss all over him. He's going to kill him with his miserable piss. That's why Steve's job is so hard. Dude, we got mint back there that I piss on, and it's so nice to piss on mint.

Just the overall aroma of it. Dude, dude, like, it really, like, it really... Mint smells fantastic. It opens up the mint, dude. Yeah. It opens up the mint. It's like uncorking a bottle of wine. Yeah, yeah, dude.

It's the ecstasy burning through the leaves. That is so good. You should just get an herb garden back there for Chris to piss on every night. Basil mint. Dude, if it makes him happier, for fuck's sake. Why? Are you down a little bit right now?

Yeah. Or is this always, just all the time in general? Yeah. You never know when you're going to get angry, Dad. Yeah, yeah. You know? No, I don't know. But isn't everybody in comedy just pretty sad all the time?

Dude, I didn't drink last week. I was feeling great. So why don't you just stop drinking? You know. You just can't do it? I think I can. But then stuff like this happens and it's like, you know. Yeah, your job. Whatever it requires.

Stuff like this. Like this was out of nowhere by accident. I didn't know I was going to be doing this for a week. Yeah, every Wednesday at 5 p.m. Well, no, because we were drinking on the last time we did the episode and the episode got, you know, we had such a good time. I had such a good time, dude. Dude, we did. I drove home drunk

for no reason. The podcast won't even be heard. My wife got mad at me for no reason. You got in a fight with your wife? Not even really. I just thought she probably got mad at you for drinking and driving. Not even mad. She's chill. I walked in and she was just like, you have a son now. That's what she said to me. I was like, you're right.

But I was so happy with how well the podcast went and just like feeling like I made two new friends, which has been a fucking feeling I haven't had in a while. She was like, honestly, drive drunk every night. If you come home this happy, I'll fucking do it. I'm never that happy in the house. I'm a miserable asshole. I was like, I met

two good guys today. And then seven days later, I was like, I met two good guys today. And then seven days later, you're like, yo, we're going to be all right. Yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, then you texted me saying that the whole thing got deleted in the cell. It felt like I was on the Titan Submersible, dude. My heart imploded. Oh, my God. There is no proof.

I have the one picture you took. That's all you were good for, was the picture, the still frame of the podcast. No, you got the ads up. You got the ads up you got the ads up yeah which people were like 15 minutes for a fucking break you already yeah you're trying on earrings and shit we were oh that was the earring yeah i hope we get there again tonight we're having a good time yeah there was like 15 comments being like i hope that's not his fucking fashion choice thinking i'm just rocking this around i feel like deep down you probably would wear that if you knew

the comment section wasn't going to attack you. If I was like 15 years younger, I'd get one of those dangling crosses, you know? You ever see that? That's what the TikTok guys do. Is that what they're doing? They all got dangly crosses coming out of their ear. So geeky. It looks sick, dude.

No. All right. I take back my two new friends. It looks sick. It does kind of look sick. If you're like an old school, if you're like a Tony Soprano looking guy

and you got that in your ear, maybe I'll let it pass. But if you're like a 20 year old, fresh face. I feel like black dudes rock in here. Yeah, you gotta have

island skin. They can do anything they want. Anything. You gotta have like island skin or like a Puerto Rican athlete. Yeah.

Like a Latin athlete. Saquon Barkley wears a dangly cross and it looks fucking, it makes me want to do it, but I know I can't. You look faster. A ripped short style. You have God on your side.

He's the wind beneath your wings. Whenever I see a TikTok here with it in, I want to rip it out of their fucking ear. Well, you're not going to see a TikToker in this fucking house. No? You don't think you'll succumb to the temptation of this fucking house no, you don't think you'll succumb to the temptation of the views no, I don't even have the app

who's the dude that Dave Portnoy does an entire podcast with a child because of the amount of viewership he can pull in oh, Baby Gronk? no, this was like a kid he was part of one of those TikTok houses I think he was like the dude

like the main guy I. Yeah, yeah. Like the main guy. What a fucking dickhead. I'm surprised. Yeah. Meanwhile, we're a podcast house. We're doing the same thing as you. What a fucking loser.

None of us are millionaires. Yeah, meanwhile, he's the appropriate age. I mean, I should have a family of six. I should be doing the gardening and getting ready for bed. Work tomorrow. This little fucking loser chasing his dreams. Doing exactly what he should be doing at this age.

Dude, I was on my high horse last night. I have more respect for TikTokers than Mr. Beast. I don't know what Mr. Beast... I just see like the most... Like the hackiest thumbnails I bought every impoverished kid a burger. I don't know what he really does.

He just gets paid to give people money. But like what begot all of this shit? I think he was just making YouTube videos. a burger yeah i don't know what he really does he just gets paid to give people money but like what begot all of this i think he was just making youtube videos funny stuff i saw funny no no no i think that's the appeal he's just a guy not entertaining anybody yeah that like you're watching it and you're like i could have done this really you know what i mean like you you have no personality basically of any kind you're just a dude who studies algorithms and gives money away and he's like that's his entire person he just goes from podcast to podcast talking about how he beat the algorithm basically

really yeah yeah yeah he like his his first he was like his first ad deal or whatever they were like we'll give you like five grand to like do an advertisement for us and he was like give me 10 and i'm just gonna give the money away and they were like we're not giving you 10 he's like 10 is gonna look better in the thumbnail just give me 10 i'll give it away and they gave him 10 he like yeah that video like exploded and then he just launched this thing where he was just like dude it's insane i think like i think whoever's like YouTube and Instagram and TikTok and all these places needs to every once in a while publicly execute these people. Not actually kill them, but I'm just saying today we're destroying Mr. Beast

because we just don't like what he's doing. Yeah, there's nothing beneficial about it. Dude, he's literally like... I'll give you a million dollars if you can keep your hand on that couch for two days. Yeah. And they film that. And, you know, makes a million dollars.

I'm angrier than I was when we started this. Yeah, I don't know. I was hoping to never reach Mr. Beast. Trying to recreate the magic of the past week. TikTok people, at least they're trying to do a sketch. A little bit. You're dancing you know you have some type of charisma maybe you're easy to look at he's also not

attractive yeah he looks like the uh hamish harding's kid who went to the blink 182 concert after the uh submersible got lost oh yeah have you guys talked about this already no no no you haven't so we can chat about it a little bit? Yeah, yeah. Fascinating. No, yeah, the dude, the kids, one of the billionaire's sons who was on the submarine that went missing, like while it was announced that they were missing, he decided to go to a Blink-182 concert, took a picture of himself with a caption being like, this is helping me feel better for my missing, yes,

it was his stepfather or whatever. And then this whole thing turned into a controversy. Cardi B made a video talking about how she would rather be poor than be rich and have a son who went to a concert while he was missing on a submarine and all this shit. But apparently... Anyway, this kid looks like Mr. Beast, but apparently this kid has

like, you know, nine warrants out for his arrest. He's a stalker. Oh, really? He's a pedophile or something? Yeah, and apparently he robbed like convenience stores also for like a bunch of times for hundreds of dollars. I'm assuming his relationship with his billionaire stepfather probably isn't or something. Yeah, and apparently he robbed the convenience stores also for like a bunch of times for hundreds of dollars. I'm assuming his relationship with his billionaire stepfather probably isn't that good. Yeah. Now, Mr. Beast is also hiding something.

He's got to be a creep. Something's going on there. Well, isn't he in hot water? We're all over the place here right now, I feel like. But isn't he in hot water for something? Or he had a partner who's in hot water? Yeah. We're talking about a subject we don't know enough about.

Yeah, yeah. It's like a whole team don't know enough about. Yeah, yeah. It's like a whole team. It's what we do. Don't you remember? Yeah, yeah. Two hours barking about nothing that we know. Yeah, he's got a whole team. Dude, anyone who's in that world is like,

you can't be making that much content and not want to fuck kids. Anyway, there's going to be a couple new tiers on the patreon coming up there are examples of people we could name but probably shouldn't because you know yeah they're comedians but it's like what yeah dude when you're when you're pumping out that much content yeah you're running from something and it's you're just trying to keep your mind distracted. And it's very serious. Yeah. He wasn't like this earlier. Dude. This is the best part about him. There's a switch.

You don't know when it's going to come. Earlier today, you mean? Yeah, he was great today. We got three flights canceled going to Shane's taping and we were stuck in D.C. Sunday got canceled.

Monday got canceled. I got out Tuesday morning at 6.30. Were you guys supposed to open the show up, too? No, we were down there, but it was coming back. All the flights got canceled. It was a bunch of tornadoes or something in the Midwest.

Where did you film it? In Tyson. It's just outside of D.C. It was this brand new theater. Tyson's Virginia? Yeah. How'd it go? It was amazing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was fucking unbelievable. I've seen his new hour. It's spectacular. He's better than his last one, which seems the crush. It was fucking unbelievable. I've seen his new hour. It's spectacular. He's better than his last one, which seems to be an impossible thing to do. I know. It's infuriating.

He's one of those comics where you watch and you don't even laugh. You just internally are going, fuck you, dude. The whole time, I'm like, fuck you, man. How are you doing this? It's infuriating. It's infuriating.

I know I'm not the only no it was nice it was nice to watch this weekend it was it was wild yeah i got some dude i i i actually my flight actually got out on time but like i went i we were there we were just like drinking at the fucking delta lounge delta lounge oh that's nice. And I went down to the flight and like five minutes after boarding was supposed to be starting and the lady gets on and she goes, when I have an update,

I'll give you an update. And I was like, well, that's not good. That's at least an hour. You know what I mean? Because like, what are they, cleaning the plane? Like you would say something if it was quick

right so I went back up to the Delta lounge took a shit had a glass of wine okay I'm talking to them and they're like

aren't you boarding right now I was like it'll be fine it'll be fine I was like they call me yeah the level because they have called me before

if I'm like late for a flight they'll call and be like are you really it's never happened to me yes it'll call and be like, are you real? That's never happened. Yes, it has. Wait until you hear the end of this. Tell me.

You're talking to your own bullshit. He said this in front of me and my girl, and he was like, no, they're just going to call me. They do. They call. You're not the president. What are you, the CEO of the company? How many points do you have? Hey, Chris, we're ready for you in B-19.

They do do that. We're about to close the door. They call me. No one's ever been called. I'm telling you, they call. No. All right. So he meanders down.

You're going to get roasted in the comments. Par for the course. So I go down there. I like. Belly's empty. Finally gets down there. Yeah. I go back down. It's probably 15 minutes after I got down there. I like... Belly's empty. Finally gets down there. Yeah, yeah. I go back down like...

It was probably 15 minutes after I got up there. I go back down. I got my Starbucks cup, which I poured the wine into. It's sort of always sunny. A little secret. Like a canned wine. And I like... I walk through the gate and I just see like the arm retracting from the plane.

And I'm like... Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck? Yeah. So you arm retracting from the plane. I'm like, are you fucking? Yeah. So you missed it. So I go, I'm like, whoa, like you guys,

you guys didn't tell me that you were leaving. And she was like, yeah, did I called your name like a bunch of times? I was like, you didn't call me. You didn't give me the personal call. You didn't call me though. She's like,

we don't call you. Thank God we got there. Jesus Christ. It's insane. You're somehow confusing hearing your name over a loudspeaker. To them calling your personal phone.

There was no way that ever happened. I've gotten personal calls before. You're thinking intercom call is your phone on speaker. I'm just holding up. What? Some fucking Debra's type your name on. All right, I got his number.

You ready? 717. Dude, missing your flight when it's like a thing you couldn't, how you get caught in traffic and shit, that's the worst feeling.

But literally being in the airport and still not being able to make it. Yeah. Dude, I was there. Yeah. That's a suicide.

And then you got canceled two more days in a row. I was like, I was here 10 minutes ago and you said you'll make an update, you'll announce an update when you have some information

about an update. Yeah, and you don't think there's any chance you just missed the update? And she goes, update came quick. Oh,

that's good. She's being funny about it. Dude, I know, she's being so, and I was laughing just like, oh,

fuck. Just a perfect amount of drunk that you're like, I'm actually enjoying this one too. I'll cancel tomorrow. Who gives a shit, huh? Yeah, they were flying out like an hour after me.

Oh, all right. So they switched me to that flight, and I was like, this is great. Just get to drink with my friends for another little bit. I get back up to the Delta Lounge. 20 minutes before we're supposed to board that flight, they're like, flight's canceled. Everything's canceled.

Nobody's leaving. I was just like, oh, man. Why was everything canceled? Was this during the smoke thing? Storms. Yeah, it was like thunderstorms or something. They were thunderstorms the first night on Sunday, and then they couldn't the flights couldn't come in, and then there was like overcrowding the next

night, where like everybody had to get back over. That was canceled in like Atlanta. So they just couldn't fit people. JFK, LGA, they were all Did you get to the point where they were like offering you money to not get on the flight? We got nothing. No, no. We literally, we like so... You would never take it. The amount of money it would, the offer would have to be for you to stay an extra night. Dude, one time I was in... Would you do it? Oh yeah. I was in, I was in fucking St. Louis with Gardini. We were like, we did a show there, we were flying back. Gardini's flight gets canceled so he's stuck in St. Louis.

My flight's on time. I'm sitting in the seat and they go, uh... 800. No, they go, is anyone willing to give up their seat for $2,000?

Whoa! And I was like, immediately like, yes! I'm just gonna go fucking... $2,000 is a lot. I get all my shit out. I get up to the front counter

and they go, ah, we don't need you anymore. Did somebody beat you to it? And I had to walk back onto the plane. $2,000 poor. Dude, and I literally like, I got off that plane like, fuck,

because other people tried to like, raise their hand after me. And I was like, I got it, brother. Everyone's like, ugh. And I had to look. I'm surprised there wasn't a fucking fight.

Yeah. I had to shame walk back. That's a lot of fucking money to just throw out into the open. Also, they usually start like $500, $300. I know, I'm shocked that you just said $2,000. I thought they usually will pay for your night in a hotel. It seems like an inside joke. It was already taken.

Anybody want five grand? Let's see who the biggest person on this plane is. Free blowjob if you delay your flight. Dude, I was thinking about my business law classes from college. That's what you did in college? No, I was a class you had to take for business. Oh, I see. But there was a thing where if you make an offer and it gets accepted, it's a contract.

Jesus Christ, you're so crazy. You can't pull it back. I see what you're saying. And I was thinking about like, no, you offered. I accepted. It's like that thing. I think it's an old story, but it was going viral again recently about the woman who like

hit a $42 million jackpot on a slot machine and she like got the receipt, walked up to the counter and they were like, no, the machine malfunctioned. You're not getting this money, but what we can offer you is a steak dinner. What? This woman thought she was getting $42 million.

They offered her a casino-level steak dinner in exchange. It's pretty decent meat, though. What? Grain-fed. That's insane. What do you mean it malfunctioned? What did she end up getting? I don't know.

I think they gave her $2.25 and a steak dinner. bed that's insane it's what do you mean it mouth what did she end up getting i don't know i think they gave her two dollars and 25 cents and a steak dinner but she's obviously in like a major legal battle with oh she's still going now i believe so yeah you can't how do you not go full rampage on everybody yeah in the immediate vicinity dude yeah is she taking video of like the machine it wasn't even going bananas it just just said, you won the jackpot. And she's taking a selfie with literally the number 42,852. And the receipt to prove it. And they were like, no.

Is this 42 million pennies or is this dollars? I think it's a bitch with a fucking oxygen mask on. No, it was like a young Hispanic lady, I believe. And everything's digital now. No coins come out. None of that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I have no idea how those games even work.

They don't. You ever sit down at a slot machine? I think the reason they're like, obviously the machine malfunctioned because these are all rigged to never give anybody anything. Yes, yes. So this is clearly wrong. This is a problem. I can't believe I went, I did like a gig in a casino recently and it's, walking through

those things, it's the saddest. It is. I mean, a Vegas casino is probably, this was one in like, you know, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. And it's literally, it's all old people in oxygen masks who are like on their last week of life. God.

And I'm like, there's everything. The electronic thing is what really bums me out. Because back in the day, I could imagine like all the analog, you're at least pulling levers and things. Things are happening. It's just a fucking computer chip deciding that you're never going to win a cent.

Yeah. It's all clearly manipulated. Dude, I went to the fucking, I think it was like, I think it was the Hard Rock Casino. The one that's shaped like a guitar in Miami. Yeah. Which I thought was going to be amazing. No. Piece of shit.

Had like digital roulette. It's all, yeah. It's like, dude. The only thing that's not digital is. No. Blackjack and, oh yeah, no, what's the shit with the,. The only thing that's not digital is... No. Blackjack and... Oh, yeah, no. What's the shit with the...

Is that roulette with the ball? Mm-hmm. Yeah. We got to get the Chinese guys doing digital cigarettes. That would really fucking... Yes. That would take them down. They wouldn't be making any money.

If you had those guys. Yeah, you can't replace those guys. That's true. The energy and ambience that they give out. It's the angry fucking Chinese... They have like a separate Chinese room, don't they? That's just high rollers. Oh, is that what it is?

Chris, they're not putting all the Chinese in a pen. No, they have like a little special game that they play. Oh, yeah. I have no idea what you're talking about. They do. They do. There's like a back corner where they have like something fucking... In every casino, there's a secret.

You pull a book down and a shelf opens up and there's just a room. No, what's it called? Yeah, it's... Chinese people gambling. And they have the special Chinese game that they play. What? Yeah. Yeah, it's a game. It's for cult. Yeah. It's Chinese people gambling. And they have this special Chinese game that they play. What? Yeah. Yeah.

It's a game. It's for their whole country. It's for their whole country? Yeah. It's just their special game. It's their baseball. It's their pastime. Yeah.

It's like all their games. There's no fanfare. It's just like black and white pebbles or something like that. And they move around. I don't know. What? It's like just something. I really want to know what. gal mahjong mahjong

it's not mahjong it's not mahjong that's for old jews fan tan hai gao sick boo Chinese poker ten gao I like it yeah like sing gao kut poker. No, these are 10 people that missed their flight. We can't call them all. Now, Dao Dizhu, Papaku, Chinese blackjack, Heiheihao, fish prawn. Heiheihao. Libu. I think it's Paigao.

There's a game called Heiheihao. Yeah. Hey, hey, how? It's just somebody going, hey, hey, how do I get out of here? Hey, how the fuck do I get to the restrooms? Hey, how? They are fun to a certain extent

because I think the level of sadness, it does start to become a joke. If you're with the right group, if you're with your boy, if that's who through wilkes-barreau pennsylvania casino yeah they're sad and starts to bleed until like it's it's comical it is a good time yeah but then it's like also your career is in a place where you're doing a gig in wilkes-barreau pennsylvania so the sadness is kind of just multiplying yeah yeah this is where i'm gonna wind up if i was there the time as i was doing a show there,

Melania was doing a show in like the Wilkes-Barre Arena. Yeah. So if I was him walking around the casino, I'd be like, yeah, stop for a drink. It's great.

When you're the best thing that ever happened to that place. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You ever take the Chinatown bus to AC? The Hey Hey How bus? The Hey Hey How?

Yeah. Dude, it's nuts. They stop every like 20 minutes for heaters. Yeah, even the bus driver's like, we, Hal. The Hey, hey, Hal? Yeah. Dude, it's nuts. They stop every like 20 minutes for heaters. Yeah, even the bus driver's like, we got to stop. Shaking at the wheel. Stopping at a fucking Roy Rogers. And then a hundred of them get off just ripping back end to back end.

Dude, that pissed me off when I went to visit like some of the national parks. It was all Chinese people. I just went to. It was just like no Americans are exploring this stuff. This is our... I saw I went to Sleep No More the other night. You've heard of this play?

No. Sleep No. It's the worst thing I've ever bought tickets to attend in my entire life. It's like this interactive play that's been around since 2011. They bought out this whole hotel.

The set is incredible. It's like this hotel... I have heard about this. Yeah, the hotel is an entire set and you go in, they give like all the patrons like these, these like look like

sex party masks kind of. Yeah. And then the actors are like all just running around throughout the whole thing and like you may or may not bump into them and it's,

it's awful. There's no, there's no dialogue. There's no plot like being pushed forward. I've like, it's, it's literally just a bunch of Asian people scurrying around

They just chase the actor they've decided to latch on to During this play and me and my wife we were there for like two hours ten minutes in we were like this It can't be this bad the way that we're feeling immediately. We were like we have to give it a shot So we decided to follow an actor around we're like we'll give this strategy a shot Nothing happens. We decide to stay put in one room and see what's going on nothing fucking happens

it was I felt like I was I've never been a part of a bigger scam in my entire life holy shit people think it's gonna be like the clue

I guess it's supposed to be like a rendition of Macbeth and I was like maybe I just don't know enough about Macbeth and then I read a little bit about him

and I'm like William Shakespeare could have been at this play and he wouldn't he would have been like what is happening yeah yeah this is this is like the Instagram algorithm of fucking plays I could see you going back to be like maybe I did it that's the thing it's like people who want to convince themselves yeah that it's like high art you can experience it a different way each time it's like no matter what way you experience it a different way each time. It's like, no matter what way you experience this, nothing's happening. There's nothing going on here. Did you try to intervene?

Did you get involved in the story? I was trying as hard as I could to pick up on one single iota of a thing that was taking place at this fucking experience. And when I tell you there was nothing going on, it's weird interpretive dance. Like, they're just miming with each other and sort of moving around majestically i mean the only thing worse is going to a musical and

they're doing shit like this a musical school i'll enjoy i'm a like a big play guy too i'll go i'll cry i'll like invest my life in the lead i went to see les mis like a like a bunch of years ago i still watch that dude sing on youtube like once a month just to be moved yeah i love this shit like i love good place yeah this was bad dude I've been the one player I'm sure you guys can guess and you're in yeah yeah yeah yeah Greece no the other one the fucking yeah yeah there's a lot of Greece involved yeah I was talking great though dude let me tell you something it changed me I was like holy fuck these guys are so talented. They're so talented. The story was incredible.

Especially if you're a person who's like, if you were doing comedy at the time or any type of performance. No, it was before that. I was like 23. Yeah, but you had the inkling inside of you. Yeah, I had some burn inside of me. I bet it inspired you a little bit. I wanted to be up there with my boys. Yeah, with the fucking gel in your hair.

Hard gel. Dude, I've seen Jersey Boys, Les Mis. Dude, I saw the harry potter the cursed child at the time i went play it's a play and at the time i went most people do it in two days because it was a seven hour experience they were you ripped through it four intermissions they give you one intermission like a normal play then they give you an extended one where you like literally leave and go to get a dinner and then you come back and do it again another intermission then finish it off and not for one second was I not

fully entertained and moved and I was like I could have stayed here for another seven do they have special effects and shit oh yeah the wands

are shooting shit at you in the crowd the mentors are flying out at you it's fucking awesome dude it is a well done that's well done that shit was incredible I respect the plays

I don't musicals I can't at that level I can go to a Broadway musical like I walked out of Chicago I remember walking out of Chicago because I didn't know

it was a musical I thought it just sounded cool the previews unlike today's previews which are the whole movie they're like three and a half minutes they show you every

nice part every highlight of the movie I feel like Chicago I didn't know they were singing I thought that was just like background music and I was like wow this movie looks good

yeah I got like through like three minutes my girlfriend at the time was like don't leave I'm like I can't fucking do this it makes me see I prefer a musical

to a regular I still have to kill a mockingbird with um yeah that's a classic though it is a classic and it was good but I still like musicals I guess Chicago's a classic

I saw Les Mis I saw the Les Mis without the songs what the fuck is that yeah that's what I want the one with Liam Neeson. And Claire Danes. It's fucking phenomenal.

The music in Les Mis is, I'll work out to fucking Empty Chairs and Empty Tables. I will fucking hit PRs to Ramin Karamu singing Empty Chairs and Empty Tables. It's great. What's that one with Gosling where

it's like this actor's... I love that movie where they're like, it's like this actor's, La La Land. Oh, love that movie. Two minutes in, I'm like, can't do it. God, you fucking, you bitch. The cringe level of me,

I get like, The beginning of that movie is a little bit of a journey to get through, but that shit gets, that shit gets good. I don't know. And the ending you would love

because it's the opposite of what all Hollywood movies kind of do. Like, it does not work out at the end, and it's great. And we people are like, that was a bad ending. It was sad. It made me feel gross.

If they didn't have that highway scene... That's the worst part, and that's the beginning. That's the beginning, right? Yeah, it is the beginning. The guy does, like, a trick on a bike. He's just like, fucking shoot me in the head, dude. That's like the beginning of Lincoln that Spielberg movie

I think it's called Lincoln is that with Daniel Day-Lewis yeah yeah oh yeah what about it there's a fucking singing car no but the opening scene there's a dude on a VMS

the opening scene is like a black dude walking out of the mist to Abraham Lincoln and like reciting parts of the Gettysburg Address

and it sucked ass so bad. I saw that movie. It ruins the movie. Like, if you watch it without that scene, it's a ten times better movie. Lincoln moved me.

Yeah, Lincoln's... He's the greatest actor of all time. Yeah. I hate myself because I can't get into any movies. He's really... Philip Seymour Hoffman? Everybody talks about There Will Be Blood. I watched it and it's...

What? But I've learned about myself. I'm just not a big movie guy. I have a competition. You're more of a play guy? This isn't helping you. I am more of a television show, though, really,

is what I meant. I love TV shows. Yeah. I get way more into, like, Peaky Blinders. I changed my personality for, like, a year based on that show.

I was addicted to whiskey. 100%. I wanted to smoke cigarettes. I wanted a hard line in my hair. Yeah. God, that fucking show ruled. That show was unbelievable. Anybody who tells me that, that's not true.

The movie was okay. Peaky has a movie? It's coming out. I saw it. How'd you see it already? Don't worry about it. You guys are doing that well? Yeah. Jesus Christ. What? That show's great. Succession, I know you have. Yeah, Succession sucks. Nah, I don't know. First two

seasons were great. I'll give it that. And then it does get repetitive you do have a solid you have a solid argument it's crazy yeah TV shows now TV is the new thing because you can go so much deeper

into shit yeah Breaking Bad Better Call Saul did you do Saul I tried to do Saul and I it was like right on the heels

of Breaking Bad and I couldn't that's what I tried to do and I didn't and then I was like this is I just I'm TV'd out and then I just did it and I didn't. And then I was like, this is, I just, I'm TV'd out.

And then I just did it like, I finished it probably like five months ago and it's, might be better than Breaking Bad. That's what I heard. Really? The final season of

Better Call Saul is un-fucking-believable. It's just Vince Gilligan with more experience in making television. Yeah. Which is just unbelievable. It's so good.

It's fucking insane. But I, like that shit I remember and retain way more. I watch a movie and I don't even remember that I saw the movie. How'd you get into play? You're from Long Island, right? I'm from Long Island, yeah.

My parents would take me. It was like the one thing. My parents would save up and we would go one time a year, come into the city and watch the Broadway play. That's why you love it. I guess that's why I love it, yeah. My parents took me to see a mime once. Man.

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at mintmobile.com slash stuff. Guys, those are the ads. Have a great... Now back to the episode. is that a mime yeah they saved up i don't know where do you go it would help you your personality central park it was a mime it was apparently like the best mime in the world a good mime was probably a solid show to be honest not really no it's probably a lot like that fucking play you went to it's just a quiet guy Everyone's in the room going like what are you- With not a three million dollar set

Was it just you your mom and your dad watching a mime? Yeah, I think the whole family went We had to like dress up and like we'd put like a suit on I was like six just going like I remember I remember sitting there. I remember sitting there being like It's gotta be the circus. I think he's fucking mixing this up This is what adults do when they're not at home. Say that again? This is what adults do.

They go into the city and they watch this. While he was in a room, it was a packed house. Other adults watching this. It's like one of those old vaudeville houses. People go to watch Magicians, but your parents got the mime night. The mime night, yeah. We got to go to one oficians, but your parents got the Mime Night? The Mime Night, yeah.

Jeez. We got to go to one of Paisito's shows. Yeah. Just go to a kid's party. We have a Mexican clown lives close by. Get out of here. Yeah. He drives around on a fucking 10-foot cycle, dressed in paint and his uniform.

Even when he's off the clock? I guess he's probably coming from his car to his house. The parking around here is pretty tough, dude. He probably doesn't even need the bike for the kid parties. It's probably to get from his car to his house. If he was walking around on stilts. Oh, my God. How funny.

I would love that. I mean, I feel like it's the same. A 10-foot high unicycle is what he's on? Yeah. I don't know how he gets off. That's more impressive than the stilts in my eyes. I have't know how he gets off. That's more impressive than it's still to my eyes. I have no idea how he gets off. Yeah, how does he get off?

It's probably like some sort of muscle-up situation. He's got to hang off the floor. No, no, no. He's like a little pot-bellied pig. He's cute. He's adorable. He's a great guy. He's got strength.

Maybe you get it rolling and you climb it. It's like an inertia thing. No, he's not built like that. They're stronger than you think, though, dude. Yeah, Mexicans? Yeah. Exactly. I helped him move a couch once.

They needed your help? Now we're boys. Yeah. They can lift 50 times their weight. He's like, anything you need, I get for you. And I was like, okay. Like, we hugged and shit. You had a real heart.

I wonder what he meant by that. Probably the next couch couch I need to move You want to bury your girlfriend? I will help you out He's just in clown makeup We're both shoveling Puts her in one of those boxes And then it falls apart

She's gone She's no longer there I'm like hold on I got one more I dragged you out I'm like do it again Do it again. It's the shit you don't get not living in New York City.

I know. I hate this place, but that stuff is good. When you go away, like, D.C. sucks. Is it illegal to walk around on stilts? Why aren't there more people doing it? Because it's insane and difficult. What do you mean? For what?

You think you could do it? You think that would be so much fun, dude? Well, it's a risk. Walk around Queens on stills. I feel like it's a dance video to your life. Chris, go get your consortium. It's the same feeling. We got these shoes with lifts in the heel.

Why? Just to make yourself taller? They were sponsored. They're one of our sponsors. Dude, I want to see those. Do you have an ad read for them today? They're in the other bedroom. But dude, they look like...

How much taller do they make you? 2.8 inches. Yeah. Oh, that's big for me. It is big for everybody. Yeah. I guess... No, if you're six foot, does that make much of a difference?

That puts me in a six. Puts you in a six. Six one. Yeah. Well, you're not six foot. Exactly. Yeah, but getting from what? Five six to five eight?

I think you're taller than you think you are. Dude, they look... Or you're not as tall as you think you are, rather. No, I think I'm exactly where I think I am. The average. 5'10 and a half. I feel like if you're a tall person, those shoes make no difference whatsoever.

Yeah, yeah. If you're me and Chris, then it changes your fucking... It also makes... Dude, going from 5'10 and a half to 6'0. I guess that's true. You feel the difference walking around? Your self-esteem?

Dude, they look very discreet. They don't? I mean, yes, they do. They don't look like self-esteem? They look very discreet. I mean, yes, they do. They look discreet, but when you're in them, you feel insane. Like awkward or just drunk with power? Yeah, you're just like, what am I doing? I'm in high heels. It's not worth it.

They can't tell, though. No, they can't tell, but you feel it. We're too old. You got to be settled into who you are at this point in your life. I used to, when I was younger, and I started to go on all these fucking dating app dates, and I was like 20 years old, I stuffed tissues in my shoes for a little bit.

Damn. I packed tissues into the heels of my shoes. By the end of the date, dude, I would start out above eye level with them, and then I'd end up eye level. Yeah, I was going to say. You'd go on like a sweaty walk. Dude, I'd pull the edges and wet tissues.

It's the opposite of a tampon. It in short yeah horrible strategy but i did it well that's what i felt with the heel the heels like she has to sneeze you're like hold on i got some point it's a little wet but they're also all black it's like an all black sneakers that's's like a... Just reminds me of Northeast wigs. All black is tough. Just gotta put a fucking flat brim sixers hat on and smoke a Newport. All black sneaks don't work.

Yeah, they don't. I definitely wore them in junior high school with a flat brim sixers hat. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. A Charlotte Hornet starter.

Never had that. A graffiti bow wow extra large. Nice. Damn. With the white tee poking out underneath it. You had to layer the sleeves to get that accented color scheme going.

Did you wear fucking spandex underneath your basketball shorts? When I played, who? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But what's wrong? Nothing. That was just a 90s era.

Oh, yeah, for sure. Dude, I used to wear, up until seventh grade, I would just wear Allen Iverson's uniform to school. Shooter sleeve, finger band, headband. So sick. I wanted to be Allen Iverson's uniform to school. Shooter sleeve, finger band, headband. So sick. I wanted to be Allen Iverson so fucking badly, dude.

All my life is really just different stages of wanting to be different black people. Blacks, yeah. It was Allen Iverson and then it was Lil Wayne for a while.

It's because you're from Long Island. It's the same thing with Philly. Delco is the same way. Everybody's got a weak face. It was weird though because we had my high school,

it merged two different junior high schools and the junior high I went to was all white people trying to be black. And then the other junior high school was like. Black people trying to be white? No, no black. You'll never see that.

White people trying to be really white. Yeah. That's all. They came in with their, they had the polos and the pop collars. It's like Connecticut meeting Trenton. Yes, exactly. That was what my high school was like. My high school was like a big mix.

Yeah. A mix of white people trying to be other races. It was super rich white people and super poor black people. Yeah, yeah. Oh, poor black people. We had two black people in my high school. My high school was huge and we had two black people. We had like gang wars.

We had gang wars too, but of only white people fighting white people. For what, musical tickets? And purple hands. You guys are just In the fucking back Gallery Jersey books No literally

For nothing For nothing Just like Who was the tougher poor That's awesome Yeah Yeah That's

What are you talking about It's growing up It is growing up Yeah It's a little hard to watch But they definitely Were trying to be black For sure

Yeah look You turned out great You're wearing a fucking Quarterly shirt In 90 degree weather You know exactly What you're doing I don't let the weather Dictate what I want to wear Yeah but they definitely were trying to be black for sure. Yeah, look, you turned out great. You're wearing a fucking corduroy shirt in 90-degree weather. You know exactly what you're doing. I don't let the weather dictate what I want to wear. Yeah, the weather.

Yeah, I like this. Yeah. I mean, you aren't sure. You've got a lot of thighs showing right now. You've got corduroy going. These are six inches. I usually wear fives. Yeah, that's hilarious.

Six inches on me looks like the old-school basketball shirt. Iverson shorts? Yeah. Yeah, these are Feidelbergs. I'll never understand your obsession with getting shorter and basketball shorts. Iverson shorts? Yeah. Yeah, these are Feidelbergs. I'll never understand your obsession with getting shorter and shorter shorts. I love a short short now. If I wear baggy shorts,

I look like I'm walking on fucking stilts. My legs look... I know. It's such a strange feeling because when you had baggy shorts, like... You just look like a midget when you wear these fucking...

You wear those big rocky shorts? Oh, yeah, yeah. You look insane. But back then that was awesome yeah everything i wore was nine sizes too big and i look back on the pictures and they're absurd i look like i'm fucking melting inside of my clothes yeah it's crazy it's like the movie big yeah exactly you're coming home and i did and at the time i thought i was so fucking cool you were the man no i was not. How'd you do at school dances?

Did you guys have school dances? Yeah, I was really nervous, and every dance I would give one shot to a bump and grind. Yeah. And sometimes it would work out, and other times chicks would turn around and be like, why is this 70-pound child rubbing his dick? Remember Z Cavaricci's?

I don't know what that is. It's just an Italian gene that was out. No, I remember Jankos. Jankos were going on. Yeah, Jankos were for all the dildos. Fubo, I think it was. Fubo was big. Did you guys have people rollerblading?

Like aggressive inline skating? Aggressive inline skating. Skateboarding. Yeah. We had mobs of inline skaters, dude. Everybody was just rolling up to school on their fucking inlines? Really? I don't know if we've had that,

to be honest. It's, yeah. It's a problem. Yeah. In high school or junior high? It was middle school. It was middle school. Yeah.

I rode my bike to middle school, but my mom, she was so fucking overprotective and nervous that she would trail me. Really? I begged her for so long to let me ride my bike to school,

and she's like, under one condition, I'm following you in my car and we did what how old were you 12 oh my god yeah disgusting yeah that's crazy if i saw my mom in the wild at 12 no luckily she like didn't poke her head out when we arrived and be like yeah take care sweetie you did good yeah how far behind would she follow um not far at all but it's like who assumes that the car behind a kid on a bike is his parent did you just assume it's a fucking person that was is what would go on in my head i was like nobody is gonna know that this is janet behind me but it fucking was dude i've caught her trail she would um when i first started driving i remember i would uh i was

like i told her i was going to a friend's house and it was pouring and she was like if you go anywhere else i will find out and i will be very angry and of course immediately i go i go to his house i was going there to pick him up so that we could go and like do drugs yeah and i'm we're driving to go pick up a dutch to roll a blunt and i look in my rearview mirror and she's sitting fucking right behind me jesus christ sitting right right behind me. And I call her. I'm like, what are you doing right now? She's like, nothing. I'm sitting at home.

I'm like, I'm looking into your fuck, through your front windshield. And she was like, ah, and just hung up. And then she went away. And then what? That was 13? Dude, that's fucking. No, that was like 16. So I'm driving.

I had my permit or junior. Oh my God. I took driver's ed so I was driving at 16. Do you know if she lives by you now? Is she on stilts looking through your bedroom window? She probably is. No, she's too old and feeble now to get up? Is she on stilts looking through your bedroom window? She probably is. No, she's too old and feeble now to get up on a pair of stilts. You turned out normal for parents.

I'm an only child. She's the only one. She had me old in life. She was like almost 40 years old. She probably got fucked up from the birth. Yeah, I got fired from the baby. You think so? Yeah.

Her mentals and her emotions got fucked up. The opposite of like postpartum or whatever it is. Yeah, did she have like, was she like 42? No, she was 38, 37, 38. Yeah, but back then that's old as... It's very old. That's old. That's, yeah, you're risking death at that point.

I got fired from a babysitting job because, like, it was babysitting for these twins. Because they met you? No. Well, on some level, I guess, yes. But she was old. She had him late in life. She liked and she was super protective of him. And I would take him to this, like, swimming pool and they'd hang out.

But the ride back was through these, like, windy streets. And I was driving, like, a stick shift car at the time. And they were like, yo, go fast. Yeah. Like, we want to see what this, like, feels like. And I was like, all right, but you cannot tell your mom. You cannot tell your mom. Yeah.

And I was just ripping. And it's like, it's literally like, it's like a car and a half length wide street that just rips through this, like, back country area. And I was flying. And they were having so much fun. These kids are how old? They were like, probably nine. Okay. And, yeah, literally the next day she called and was like probably nine. Okay. And

yeah, literally the next day she called and was like, you're fired. They ratted on you immediately. I almost killed her two kids that she had. Oh, you came close to killing her?

No, no, no. You were just driving past her. In her mind. What kind of car did you have? Is it actually like a Volkswagen? Like a Jetta? A GTI? Jetta?

Yeah, it was a Jetta. No, not souped up at all. Yeah, not even like a fast car. Probably like four cylinders. Yeah, he was just going 40 miles an hour. Yeah, and they were just like, holy shit. That's hilarious. You got fired for going 10 miles over the speed limit?

Dude, I've come close to, like, yeah, dying. One time I was driving the Jetta with my buddies, and they were like, it was on a street, and my buddy was like, yeah, you can, like like really open it up on this road I was going 130 miles an hour down this street

in a fucking Jetta dude and I went dude I went over a hump and tapped the brakes and then the whole car just started sliding like

like Mario Kart type shit dude we were I was sliding we were like we were like perpendicular to the road I was looking out I was looking out this window, sliding down the street.

Tires just melting. Like smoke everywhere. And we like came to a stop. Dude, if a car had been coming the other direction or someone was even walking on that road, they would have been fully dead. I can't believe we didn't flip. And then I remember like all the tires were like, it's like a perfect circle and then a flat part. My dad started driving driving the other day like the day after it was like what the hell happened to the tires i was like i don't fucking i think about that all the mice and

stuff my wife grew up in the city and i'll be like i think i would have died here immediately if i grew up in manhattan but then i think about the most dangerous part of my childhood is when i first started driving. I would play chicken. I would drive on the wrong side of the road and challenge a car to see who would go the longest without pulling off. Oh, dude, coming home from sports, like after high school,

we would race home. We were driving on the other side of the road, going the wrong way around roundabouts and shit. I don't know how I didn't die. It was so fucking reckless. And how people don't know how I didn't die. And how people don't die every single day. I used to drink and drive and try to drift around corners. Drinking and driving is...

It really is the best. I wish I grew up in a town like that. You didn't do any of this? Oh yeah. No, but everybody drank and drove. It was like a... I don't think I've ever drove sober. It's a much better way to drive. When I was driving home drunk from this podcast the last time we did it, I was like, this is surround sound, fucking speakers.

Oh, my God. The music is, like, imbuing you. You just feel great. Drinking and driving and listening to music might be one of the best things. It's so enjoyable. Yes. Towns weren't built for, like, let's just go fucking. Rich towns have that shit where there's, cul-de-sacs or like private roads

there's people, kids were everywhere you couldn't just fucking rip roaring I mean I got a bunch of drunk drinking driving stories but yeah a couple of them I already told but one I was going like 120 in my

infinity, no doing coke and drunk as fuck oh coming from morning on coke probably feels like 48 yeah i was just probably i've never done coke and drove that feels dude that's like drinking and driving and like balancing those tea cups so i was i had trying to keep it I was leaving Helium I think I was like 28, 29 I just started comedy

and I had like a full time job still and I was living in Willow Grove and I was driving on the turnpike just flying and I had like

a bag of drugs underneath I would put it underneath the mat as if like if I did get pulled over good as if I'm not already

drunk as shit. Right, right, right. They're not going to take me out and then look for stuff. Yeah. And I pass this overpass. My exit's on the right coming up. And I go under the overpass. And all I see is the headlights.

Cops' headlights flick. And I'm like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. And I know that there's a blind turn coming up. And if I just pin it, I can get around to the next exit. And once you get through the exit, it splits two ways. I'll never know where I'm at. And I'll bang through this fucking easy pass. I'll take one way or the other.

I took the right, jumped over one of the concrete medians. That's like the width of this carpet, but it only goes like this high. Got on the other side, went behind like a 7-Eleven, parked my car behind a dumpster at this apartment complex yeah and i just watched the patrol car go through like the neighborhood looking for my car i called my girlfriend who was working full time woke her up i said hey you have to come get me at the 7-eleven she picked me up and then i told her it's not what happened. But isn't it sad that you'll never have a rush like that for the rest of your life? I know. Oh dude.

The rushes that you used to get on like a weekly basis. But dude, every now and then I think of that and go, ah! Oh yeah. Like I come back with anxiety. Like an acid drip that's still in your spine. Dude, I was driving with my knees going like over 100 miles an hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing key bumps.

Yeah, you just think about how close. On a highway. Yeah. Prison was right there. Right there. If a deer was anywhere near that, I would have went like this with my knee. This. Dude. Yeah. What car were you in doing that?

Infinity G35X. It was a nice car. That's hilarious. I had the same. That was the first car I ever bought. G35S. Oh. Coupe.

Red. Red? Yeah. You went red coupe? Yeah. Man, I bought it at 20 with all my fucking cash I had from cleaning golf clubs at St. George's Golf and Country Club. I got a fucking pearl white hat.

Dude, I worked there for like eight years. I think I made like, I made so much money. I didn't have to report any of my tips. I'd work from like, I'd get there at 530 in the morning and leave at nine when the last golfer came in and I'd leave with like $900 in cash. Damn. On a Saturday? On a Friday or Saturday.

Wow. It was insane. I was like a teenager. That's fucking sick. I was like a teenager. That's fucking sick. I stayed there way too long, but I literally just ran out of that money. I spent the rest of it on my wife's engagement ring. Are you kidding? It lasted me so long, dude.

They were like, dude, they would do like these things called beef steaks, where it was like the biggest tournament of the year. Every member would go up. They'd get fucking obliterated coming, and they'd have like this massive meal. And then at the end, they'd have like puttingiterated, come in and they'd have like this massive meal. And then at the end they'd have like, like putting, they'd be all like wasted having putting competitions. And I'd be over there like retrieving the balls and certain like members would just be scraping

a hundred dollar bills off the balcony, watching me like leap and try to catch them. And I'd leave those days with like $1,500 in my pocket. It was absurd. How many years you worked at 10? Probably like eight, 10 years. I'm pretty sure

being around all the pesticides gave me a hypothyroid it fucked me up a little bit yeah it fucked me up I think golf is really bad for your health I watch

I think about all those dudes they were like you mean the landscapers? no just the shit that they're spraying every single day to keep the place look nice and the landscapers are fine

because they're wearing the proper equipment but the 50 year olds who are like need to take 30 advil to go out there every morning because their back is fucking ripped in half from violently swinging a club 130 times a day because they all suck yeah it's i think that shit is brutal on you dude i i i look at golf and i like it looks like it actually physically taxing oh it's horrible horrible, dude. I was like a young... Like your left knee? Yeah, dude. If you're not really good at it and doing

everything perfectly, you're fucking up every ligament, every tendon. You're putting so much strain on your muscles. This is my argument on KFC. It's one of the hardest sports.

KFC? Oh, I thought you were talking about the food for a second. Yeah, it's like it's incredibly difficult. It's definitely difficult. It's fucking stupid, though.

No, but I'm talking about like straining on your body. I know. That's what I'm saying. I'm putting all those factors together. The psychological, the fucking emotional,

physical. I mean, football is more straining on your body. Oh, of course. But nobody's like 60 trying to pull that shit off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

Yeah, but it is football for dads, you know? You still get like a, you're still sore as fuck it's like so dude they're all they're all breaking down and they don't give a fuck they're just like as long as i'm not home with my family dude dude we went to burke's store right and threw in the outfield for like an hour and a half in between sessions your shoulder the next day and your obliques dude i had a football catch with oh no we also hit the cages yeah and like it's just like if you go to

the driving range, we're going this weekend. If you swing 100 times, that pain will be there for three days. The muscle groups you don't... Dude, I was pretty proud of myself. I was not sore really at all from that. The throw?

Yeah. Did you eat a lot of protein afterwards? No. Well, maybe. I was very sore. I couldn't lift my shoulder for a bit. Well, do you work out often and you not at all? No, he works out every single day.

Really? Yeah. I might just be worn out now. Or do you work out? You're just soft as hell. He was also throwing more long balls than I was. Dude, our long toss was like 50 yards. How fucking fun is it to get back into sports?

Dude. Dude. God. For two days, I'd come out of the bedroom and I'd just go, how great was that? I know. It takes you back to your childhood. Just the best. You're not thinking about anything else. It's a part of my bedroom and I just go how great was that? I know. It takes you back to your childhood. You're not thinking about anything else. It's a part of my life that I left. I like was I like because we were throwing

the baseballs and like we were fucking throwing the football and shit recently. I was like damn I forgot. I forgot how much this meant to me. All I did was sports. Yeah yeah. All the time. 5 to 20. And now I like I totally I for when i started stand

up i like hid the fact that i played lacrosse oh really yeah i just i thought yeah no that that can't be the first thing that people learn about you that's so fucked up you yeah yeah you didn't hide it enough you look like yeah you're the mascot for lacrosse no i know i know yeah you look like an olympic lacrosse that's why that's That's why I can't tell people that I play lacrosse right off the jump because they go, oh God. You know what I mean? I'm already in the red. I don't need that.

But when you're in the red with who? People you don't even fucking respect anyway. Fucking artists that started in comedy. You know, they're like open micers and shit. When did we want to decide to appease these people who we would never want to be around in our fucking lives? Thank you. Anyway, I hate, that's why I hate New York City comedy.

I hate all these people. That's why I was so happy after this podcast we did three weeks ago. I was like, finally. Fucking eight years of stand-up in the city.

I met two dudes I like because the rest of the people suck. Dude, I was just thinking about this today. Like, the fucking,

I had a flashback to starting stand-up. I didn't start until I was 29. Yeah. So I was already like, a guy. And I also had a white-collar job.

And then I was meeting these fucking smarmy little cunts that thought they were funny, but they looked at me like I was the guy that shoved them in a locker their whole life. Yes. So they were all like, fuck this guy. Yeah, of course.

And they treated me like that for like three months until I started doing stuff. And they're like, well, I guess you're all right. Yeah, once you start burying them on shows. and they treat me like that for like three months until I started doing stuff and they're like well I guess you're alright yeah once you start burying burying

I guess we have to respect this dude because he might be able to help us out but I'm not that fucking guy it's like every barista my girl and I were just at this bar

and the fucking the guy was like I don't know he just gave us attitude because I guess he just judged us for how I looked right away

and I was like dude I didn't do anything to you. Why? Because you don't have a dog collar on? Yeah, exactly. Yeah,

I don't have a purple beard. Dude, this city's I'm losing my mind. I know, you should. I can't go into a coffee shop without,

I haven't been served by a gender specific person in a coffee shop. Oh yeah. Where do you live? I live in Yonkers right now so it's, you know,

I don't go to coffee shops though anymore, I'm done. I bought a Chemex, I learned how to do it. Yeah, isn't it great? I made my fuckingonkers right now, so it's, you know. I don't go to coffee shops, though, anymore. I'm done. I bought a Chemex. I learned how to do it. Yeah, isn't it great? I made my fucking organic beans. But you've got to have sympathy.

You've got to have sympathy for them. Why? Because... They hate us. No, because that person's probably grappling with the same feelings that we were having starting stand-up. You know what I mean? No, get over it.

They've just chosen a weird way to be because they have to be that so people will listen to them. You know what i mean they probably like they probably grew up in the suburbs and wore fucking guest jeans or whatever but now they have to be like fucking now they have to have like a fucking bicycle tattoo and like like uh you know yeah i mean there's different levels there is different for sure. And some of it is completely acceptable, understandable. Yes. And, like, a true reality to just living life. Yeah, everybody wants to be a part of something.

But, I mean, I was at the fucking... That's the acceptable level. I literally saw a 50-year-old, the inside of a 50-year-old's asshole during the Pride Parade last month. You went to the Pride Parade? No, I forgot to buy my dad, like, a Father's Day gift, so I went out. And it was like I had to go. There weren't any tickets for the musical left. This is as close as we're going to get.

Dude. I couldn't get him. Imagine walking in and I'm like, what are you doing here? My Father's Day gift, I didn't get yet. It's like, dude. And I'm just innocently trying to find a nice heartfelt card, and I just saw a grown man's asshole who was, you know. Yeah, it's fucking, it's mayhem.

Yeah, it's enough. It's good for them. That sounds fun, though. To a certain extent. Does it? Yeah, it's mayhem. Yeah, it's enough. It's good for them. It sounds fun, though. To a certain extent. Does it? Yeah, the pride parade sounds fun. It's a lot.

It's nuts. It's the craziest thing on earth. Yeah. It's crazy. It's kind of fun that it happens. It is fun that it happens,

but when you, like, can't get out of it and you're not a part of it, it's alarming. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's really where I'm coming from.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have, like, I'm coming from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have PTSD. I'm like a dude caught in war. I mean, every parade's like that. Did he single you out and show you his asshole? Puerto Rican Day Parade? I guess you're right, actually. There's a fear there.

Yeah, there is a different type of fear. There's a fear. Italians? Yeah. The Irish? I guess everybody's just aggressive with the way they identify. You get caught somewhere you don't want to be, especially a parade.

Your anxiety's going to get high. Yeah, I get caught in an Italian parade. I'm like, I'm into this food and this culture. I feel great here. Dude, I don't want to get political,

but I will. But the whole thing with bringing kids to fucking these parades where grown-ass men are just walking around with their dicks out. It seems like a stretch.

Yeah. Of the asshole. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, what do you... What do you... I totally get... I'll raise my child to be inclusive Yeah. Yeah, it's like, what are you... What are you, like... I totally get, like,

I'll raise my child to be inclusive and, like, you can love everybody and all that stuff. I'm not going to bring him to the parade and watch these dudes suck each other off. You're not going to let them watch straight people fuck, right? No, of course.

You're not going to let them watch gay? Of course. It seems like we're... I feel like the Memorial Day parade and the Pride Parade like a Pride Parade in the city is cool

Pride Parade in a small town very very sad is that what you mean? Memorial Day Parade in a small town awesome Memorial Day Parade in a big city not for me I'm just not

I'm saying they're opposite. Yeah, we got that. I don't know if I followed it, yeah. I'm just trying to figure out why you picked Memorial Day parade and these... Because I like a small town Memorial Day parade. The guy loves gay people and hates the country.

I think parades in general just suck. Yeah, they're terrible. You're fucking, you're causing traffic. Yeah. I don't know. Dude. I'm just, the older you get, the more, you're just more into convenience. Anything that inconveniences you. Oh, dude, yeah.

Upsets you. It used to drive me nuts in Philly. I don't like anybody having fun that slows me down. Yeah. You go to Mummer's Parade in Philly? What is it? Mummer's? The Mummer's.

Mummer's Parade. You haven't heard of it? Oh, boy. Oh, Mummer's. That's a good time really we used to go from like high school on

it's it's in January it's on New Year's it's like the coldest part of the year yeah it's New Year's Day parade oh it's kind of

but the mummers mummers are just disease you need to be vaccinated from no they're guys that dress up like clowns and and fucking yeah yeah

what is what was that what was that Vegas performer's name that... I think they made a movie about him. He had like a big, like... Like all kinds of like emeralds and shit on his jacket. Yeah, it's all like... What's his fucking name?

Not a clue. I don't know. Someone described it. It's like a parade. If it was like a sea of that guy, but they're all racist plumbers. Yeah. Yeah. And they're all on pills and drugs.

They're all coked up. It's like that. And they do dances down plumbers. Yeah. And they're all on pills and drugs. They're all coked up. And they do dances down Broad Street. Okay. And so you just, you go to different parts of the city and just get fucked. As a young person, I'm sure. There's like a moratorium.

The police are like, drink in public. We're not going to touch you. Yeah, that's right. You do anything. Yeah. You do anything. Yeah.

Everything's great when you're younger. But when you get older, you're just like, I just can't do anything. I was in New Orleans recently for the first time and I was blown away by the city but then we for a second went to bourbon street and i was like i couldn't have like come up with a worse a worse place yeah

that i wanted to be where were you down there from marty gro no we i just did a cross-country road trip with my wife and my child and that was one of the spots and we were just like we have to neither of us have been here we got got to check out Bourbon Shoe. We went there. And I got fooled by a homeless dude who was begging. His ultimate thing was to ask for money. But he was like,

I bet I can tell you what size your shoe is or wherever you got your shoes. He's like, I bet I can tell you where you got your shoes. And you entertained this? And I fucking fell for it, dude. Oh my God. Were you wearing that Mets hat?

Were you full on city slicker, dude? No, I didn't have my Mets hat on, but I was walking around in my boots, and I goes, there's no way you know where I got these boots. And he goes, you got them on your feet. That's what he said.

You got them on your feet. And you had to give him $100? No, I gave him... $100? Absolutely not. I gave him five bucks for getting me, and then he tore me apart in front of my wife for being a cheap piece of shit.

Really? That's what I got. I wanted to front of my wife for being a cheap piece of shit. Really? That's what I got. I wanted to ask for my five back immediately. I was so mad. Wouldn't it be great? Five bucks, that's so much money for embarrassing me and making me feel shitty about myself. And doing a stupid joke. Yeah. Just beating the fuck out of him.

I really thought he was going to do a legitimate trick. I thought he somehow was going to know you got those at Red Wings and Yonkers. I don't know why I thought he would knew that. Yeah. But I fucking did. Yeah. It's like you got him on your feet. I got to kill myself.

Dude, that's how I feel about magic in general always makes me feel stupid. Does it? I haven't seen any magic done in person. I saw a fucking like TikTok magic trick where the guy was like, he wrote, he was writing words. He was like, he wrote like ocean. He wrote whale and something else. And he was like,

I'm going to guess the number you have in your head right now. Like pick a number. I'm going to guess it. Okay. And he nailed it. You picked a number and he knew it? He picked the right number. It was like, this wasn't even in person.

Don't you think it's just a happenstance of how many millions of people are seeing this video? Eventually, he's going to get somebody's number. He's playing, but he got me. And you happen to be one of them. Yeah. You were just a statistic, dude. And I changed it at the last second.

I was like 27. I was like, no, 34. And he got it. And he got it. Wow. Yeah, I get it. There's got to be some, I don't know. There's got to be some thing.

Any magic done through a screen, I don't know, I skip right by. Because I'm like, you could just be manipulating this in any way, shape, or form. Yeah, he did it. But that's like a mind trick. Yeah. But I don't know, I think it's just. It makes me feel stupid. Because you were embarrassed that you're.

Yeah, yeah. One of just the people who. That guy was in my brain. Yeah. You know? Like how dumb are you that you let him in? Why did I choose 34? You should have stayed with 27.

Your original thought put you above that person. Well, I thought that my original thought was going to be based on something about those letters or something is influencing the number choice. So I switched it and I went up getting fucked. That's probably the trick.

Yeah. I hate magic. And then, so I switched it, and I wound up getting fucked. That's probably the trick. Yeah. Oh, man. I hate magic. You have anything to plug? To have a what? You have anything to plug? I don't know why you said that. Like, you were so mad at me.

I am very upset. What are you upset about? That our first episode was way, way funner. Yeah, you can check out. No, that's the problem with having to redo it is that the whole time you're like, is this as funny as, what are we talking about? That's part of what's going on.

Another thing that's going on is our first podcast was us getting to know each other. That's fun. And that's all we had because we don't have a real relationship. We have no memories to draw from other than the first fucking podcast. Yes, yes.

So I hope Artie dies. I got a podcast called That i hope already dies i got a podcast called that's a shame i got a podcast called that's a shame it's on youtube and spotify check it out i think we should release the the original episode we'll put on like patreon or something but just with the bad audio yeah it's just camera audio which our fans are used to they fucking stuck through six we can We can't send it to some Indian audio engineer genius who knows how to... There's got to be someone who can fix it. Can someone explain to me how it got deleted, though? How did it happen?

I need to know how it happened. Already? Because I saw it was used... Are you going to blame it on the other guy? I like this. No, no, it's... It's, uh... You fucked up.

But what exactly? I've known you fucked up since the beginning. I want to know the details. Did you originally dump it onto the drive, or was it just on the car? You had to have pulled it off the disc because you used the advertisement for the McCusker episode. But that would have been a separate audio file. What do you mean? Why? Well, because the ads were a different...

On the Patreon. Did we do that during the Patreon, or no? No, no, the ads were on a different file. Like, we paused and restarted. Oh, we did do that? Yeah, so you could have just dragged that over and not... Also, the audio isn't bad. Barton sent it to his audio guy,

and he made it a little better, so it's not that bad. Maybe we'll just release this as bonus. Or we'll make you earn your fucking keep here, and you'll heavily edit this episode and make it just a high octane only the funny shit is in this 25 minutes. Cut out any dead air.

Why don't we just have you two fist fight for the Patreon? I actually thought it was fun. Yeah, in the backyard. I don't want to fight anybody. The slap box. Yeah, yeah. Come on. I don't need to fight.

I don't actually dislike Artie. You can't. Look at him. He's wearing a bucket hat and a v-neck. And an earring. We'll do like a Mr. Come on. I don't need to fight. I don't actually dislike Artie. You can't. Look at him. He's wearing a bucket hat and a v-neck. He's wearing a bucket hat and an earring. We'll do like a Mr. Beast contest. Like you guys all, you have to stand in a certain position for as long as you can. We'll make a million dollars.

Oh, man. You know? Yeah, we'll fix that last audio. For sure. All right, should we jump over the page? Yeah, shoot a picture. last audio. For sure. All right, should we jump over the page? Did you want to plug anything? You got dates. I did.

No, I got the podcast. And I have dates coming out. They're not out yet. But just follow me on Instagram, Nick Alex Comedy. Nick Alex.