Stuff Island - Stuff Island #9 - mushrooms three ways w/ Colum Tyrrell

Episode Date: January 5, 2022

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What, in the studio? Yeah. Yeah, that'd be fucking sweet. Are you gonna set it up like Rogies? Exactly like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I prefer that situation. That way anytime you talk to some fucking idiot that's not entertaining you, you can watch TV.

Actually, I should throw the football game on. We should do it all the time. Not even a special. Yeah, yeah. Not even a special stream. I don't know. Shane was saying that they brought a TV in for a little bit and it was like fucking with them. Yeah, of course. it's a visual well like and it's like if you can reference things really fast it almost like can grind things to a halt yeah you're like pull that up instead of

just struggling it's tough i mean dabby does that with like uh ufc shit but like you start watching ufc you can't just like peek in and then come back out you got to talk about this dude getting right i'm saying but they were doing it like during the podcast. It's one thing if you do like a special event. Then it's like it doesn't matter that you're not talking because you hope people should be watching along. Let's fire it up. With you. It's fired.

Oh, we're fired. Are we in? Yeah. You never know. He's a sneaky little fucking ninja about this stuff. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he don't tell you. What did you call him?

He don't tell you. Sneaky ninja. I mean, you watched me walk from camera to camera to camera. Can't use the word ninja. Can you just stop? Can't be using the word ninja. Oh, you just stopped. Can't be using the word ninja. No, it's weird. No, you talk too fast.

No, no, no. I really do. It's crazy. It's crazy. Because ninja is the word you use to replace it. No, it's not. By proxy, it's close to the great word. Speaking of fucking nicks, I was hoping you'd show up with paint on your fucking face. I do have paint on my face. Oh, he's got be outlawed. It's close to the great word. Speaking of fucking nicks. It'll be outlawed soon.

I was hoping you'd show up with paint on your fucking face. I do have paint on my hand. Oh, he's got paint on his hands. I'm just painting my hair. There is a big clump somewhere. I can feel it. You got an Irish accent that thick. You better have paint on you somewhere.

It's just hair gel. It does all the time. It's from years. Yeah. It's like, do you ever scrape on a wall and it has all the different layers of paint? Layers and colors. That's my hand. Yeah, yeah.

When you get cut. Joe's like fucking rose colored paint from 32 is he count the rings of paint on this irish guy's hands yeah so no you got you have a beer you know in manhattan at 3 p.m sometimes yeah and it's just you know a hundred of these guys with with paint and like old wood chips in their ears yeah yeah just walking down the street covered in paint yeah i'm always jealous of those guys i tried to paint my parents deck once like i could paint a wall yeah but painting like a deck with a railing and like getting in in the nooks and crannies oh yeah it's hard i always see these old uh like old

degos and greeks out here and they they have like hand chippers getting rid of the layers of paint off the railings if you paint on a railing on top of another it's a nightmare yeah nightmare you gotta do it every time you gotta do it every layer so it looks like snow on a tree yeah yeah it's when you move into a place and like the the electrical socket is like yeah it doesn't even look like it's there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been out and in. There's just the holes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a girl on this? Put the light on? You take a drill and drill a pilot hole? Yeah, I've been begging the fucking... Our landlord to paint this place. This is the same original paint from like 40 years ago. Oh, this? Yeah, yeah. This, I think, paint from like 40 years ago. Oh, this?

Yeah. This, I think, was actually kind of nicely done. Of course you did. Are you adding more art? By the way? What? Yeah, I think so.

We're all already, we've art overdosed. No. Was it always? This is the hide the old paint. No, it was not like this. This was empty until like two months ago.

We got to get you in here to paint this place. I'll throw you some quotes. I hope you like blue. Yeah. That's the only paint you got It's a nice color It's not bad right But now

Then I looked at it It looks kind of like An influencer wall No Maybe it's because There's nothing on it It's just an empty wall Just blue

And I looked at it And I was like Oh shit Did I just like An annoying chick I feel like that shit's so hard Like we were We were thinking about

Getting like a neon sign For a second Yeah And it's like it it's it's like it does look cool but then it's like it feels like it's yeah it's not us i think the neon signs yeah it's it's kind of yeah i know i know you have a hanging and then like the wires was in the middle of the screen that's the way it's worse we said that's the worst. When there's like a wire and you can see the extension. Hey, welcome. You don't know how to hide it. It's just laying on the wall. Welcome to Jim Will Fix It, where I list nine spices every week.

You see it on HGTV at like 3.30 in the morning, blacked out. You're like, this is fucking beautiful. I'm probably going to do this place for our place. Like, you don't know. You want to replicate what you think is interesting in other people's spaces and that's why i put plants behind us you know what i mean this is us we're playing we're playing yeah we are playing five nice yeah it changes how you feel and think in the morning you do help it is nice sunlight going through a plant sunlight nice

you've never opened those blinds once. It's a lot. When I wake up in the morning these blinds are always closed. Yeah, yeah. Because I open them, Shane wakes up and closes them. It's a fucking dungeon in here. Just passive aggressive. Who opened these?

There's too much glare on the TV for video games. Who opened these? I don't care glare on the TV for video games. Who opened these? And I don't care. I'll sit in the dark. Well, this is fucking good for you, huh? What? The new studio.

The new studio, yeah, yeah. Taking a big risk. It's just a jerk-off layer. It's like a podcast studio. The big risk, what? Financially, just to rent the place? Just put all my money into something. Yeah, but you're doing it twice a week, you said.

You have to. Because you're paying for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you didn't pay for but you're doing it twice a week, you said. You have to. Because you're paying for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you didn't pay for it, you do it once a week. Exactly. You know what I mean? Exactly.

I mean, yeah, yeah. We put pretty much our last... I know. We invested. Our last few pennies into this thing. Yeah, yeah.

So far. You got two nice microphones and then the guest. Yes, the best of the best. And then the guest mic. Put it on the ground. Dude, we're saving up for a good week. We're saving're saving up we're saving up it's just a black dildo with foam on it you're not even plugged in dude you're just here for our fodder

a couple free bud lights and you're good no i am happy with a couple of bud lights to be honest yeah this is the look i need I'm going with Blue Moon you know I like pregnant lady it's refreshing to see a comic that looks like he fell through like a

a lost and found box you know what I mean yeah Christmas time I'm gonna say this I actually think he looks pretty good no he looks great those are nice

NBA they got a zipper pocket and a regular pocket yeah that means he didn't buy them those are fucking sick you watch the NBA no

yeah see never accidentally he picked those up but they aren't I would buy these again these were on the carpet Yeah, that means he didn't buy them. Those are fucking sick. You watch the NBA? No. Yeah, see? Never. Accidentally. He picked those up. But I would buy these again. These were on the carpet of an old moving job he had. And he's like,

Yeah, do you ever get shit moving? No. No. You can, but I haven't. Yeah, yeah. People always try coffee tables, really. I probably wouldn't buy a coffee table. I'd just wait.

But then you're waiting. And then you're like, Wait, wait, wait, wait. What do you mean? Because people try out stuff when they're moving. So you wouldn't buy a coffee table I'd just wait but then you're waiting and then you're like wait wait wait what do you mean because people throw out stuff when they're moving so you wouldn't buy a coffee table

you'd wait to see to run into one on the street in the summer I would take that risk because people throw out shit all the time it goes quick here

it goes quick here no I'm not talking I'm talking before it gets to the street because I work for a moving company so when we show up a lot of times

they go alright all this stuff is gone. That stuff ain't going. Up to you guys. Everybody wants to take it. Yeah. So people take stuff all the time. Some people's whole house is just.

You've never taken one thing? I'm not going to. Oh, I took some sound panels actually. Some what? Like soundproofing. Oh yeah, yeah.

Legit high end soundproofing. Yeah. I was moving someone out of, I guess they used to Record podcasts there And they were like We're getting rid of this stuff I was like

That's like $200 each And they're like yeah I used to do That's a huge get That was a huge one Yeah Do you ever have Like someone's like

I'm not even gonna Bring this TV And you guys Rocks paper scissors for it No I haven't come across A TV AC units

People have taken Yeah Mostly coffee tables For some reason Something about coffee tables for some reason. Something about coffee tables people are like, yeah. When people start over

the first cut. Well, you can't carry it by yourself. That's what it is. Because most of those scavengers are solo rollers. You know what I mean? What do you mean?

Like, it's like an old guy with ill-fitting pants who has a limp and he's walking down the street looking for free shit. I've given fans to old men with limps consistently because they're always, you don't lose that mindset.

So you're saying you can carry a coffee table with a limp is what you're saying? No, I'm saying you can't. And that's why they leave the big shit because they're not going to ask their old fucking dilapidated wife to grab the other end and walk it 17 blocks because you know they're not fucking paying for a cab.

But they've got a moving company. No, I know what he's talking about.'m saying like when i get rid of shit we throw something out yeah you put it on the curb as i'm putting it on the curb i run into like three or four people yeah you don't realize how many people are in new york yeah until you see the piles of trash emanating filth and you're like wow there's probably 150 people in this it is crazy looking that's probably how you get away with murder. You need to stop chopping up your stuff and putting them in bags. Just put out the whole weapon.

The whole wife. The whole weapon. The whole couch. Stop chopping up your wife. That's what they're saying. You don't have to. Other people live in your building. Put her out in one piece.

Stuff her in a couch and leave her there. Turn around and it's gone. Imagine walking your dead wife that you just murdered out and just handed it off to an old man with a limp. Like, I'll take it. My vacuum don't work. I need one of these. That's the tough part about killing.

Because you only ever really want to kill someone you know. That's why serial killers get away with all their escapades. Right, because you kill people you don't know. Like, you're impossible to find. There's no connective tissue. Yeah. There's no way this guy fucking killed her. There isn't.

It's true. Right, you need a story. Yeah, yeah. Who harmed you? The first questions they would ask you is like, who's out to get you? Who are your enemies? Yeah. Charlie had no enemies.

Well, who would kill Charlie? Yeah, that's the thing. Charlie was the nicest guy. Yeah. Yeah. Meanwhile, Charlie's just getting sucked off of the Roy Rogers, and the hooker had enough. Yeah, yeah.

Stabs him in the fucking chest, and then goes to Maryland and does it again. I like this story. You're really reversing the hookers killing Charlie. Yeah. Women empowerment. It's 2022. It's propaganda.

You better get your fucking head out of your ass. You think a man's killing a woman these days? You think it's a serial killer killing all these hookers? No. It's hookers are killing the serial killer. Yeah, they're killing competition. Yeah. I get it.

It's time for them, dude. See, I think the thing with a coffee table is that it is the anchor of any room, I think. Yeah, for sure. It is the most important item. So when you're going to a new place, you're like, let's start over. And this is why you take your bare feet and the shit underneath them and just drop it on a coffee table. That's right. You got to respect the coffee table.

No, it's a workhorse. No. No, no, no. It is. It's there to hold items. I'm the workhorse. It's there to hold items. With a broom and a dustpan.

Yeah. No, you're a Trojan horse. I'm the workhorse. If you're starting over, like your first cut is the coffee table. Nothing makes someone happier than replacing a coffee table am i right i'll disagree with this starting over yeah you get rid of it but that's that's not that's not the most important piece what you're sitting on is the most important

the least sitting and then it has to yes that's a you start with a seat you build out you know what i got into in my late 30s? All modern. The teens. I think you start with a coffee table and build around the coffee table. That know how to color. No, fucking mid-century modern. The style. Yeah. I know.

Look, I'm sorry. The words. Yeah, well, it's true. So this is important visually as it is comfort-wise. This is middle village. Yeah. Which is a neighborhood in Queens. Yeah. This is What is this? Important visually as it is comfort wise This is middle village Yeah Which is in I like Neighborhood and Queens

Yeah I like the vibe of In your bum That's what I'll get out of Jeffery Dude who's that guy you were telling me today would do this? Oh I can't say his name Some fucking comic That's your punchline?

Yeah You can say a punchline and go, Woo! What? Howdy! It was for every punchline because his jokes were so bad. He'd be like,

Woo! Hey! Were they bad jokes? They were so bad. And the point is, I tell bad jokes. I'm that guy. Yeah.

I hate that. But he would do, he was like, slap his hands around and oh my god we were everyone just start laughing at him yeah and as we were talking like you do six shows with somebody they walk back in the green room you can't be like what the was that you have to be like oh man that was freaking great and then you're exhausted you said he was doing well he was like headlining clubs that would be so no no i think he was just headlining this club. Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's definitely a B-tier type dude. I was going to say, that would be so disorienting as a comic coming up. Yeah, questioning everything I was doing. I was like, what am I doing with this guy? Seeing that guy just rise fast. He was like, booz-a-zip, pow! I just felt like he was going to be like, oh, you want to jump in my moving truck and go to Reno for the next set of shows?

You want to go paint a house, make a couple extra bucks on the side? Whoop! Hey! It was fucking nuts, dude. I know his name, too. I'll tell you afterwards. Okay.

It's so funny. But were they intentionally bad jokes? That's what I... No. I hate when comics come and do it like, ah, you know, that's a bad joke. Yeah, but we can all do that. Yeah.

Fuck off. Yeah. No, they weren't. We've gone through the cycle do it like ah you know that's a bad joke right yeah well we can all do that yeah fuck off yeah no they weren't we've gone through the cycle of like people trying to tell real jokes then people making fun of trying to tell real jokes and then that's gotten hack and now we're back to like try to please try to do it please yeah yeah please try to actually do it yeah the old shit was like was big like 10 years ago there's like like three or four alt comics in Philly. And just like, what are we doing here? Yeah, yeah.

Why are we entertaining? They'd go up and be like, I hate my wife. Yeah. And you're like, I honestly, I love that humor. I got to tell you. People abuse that like, oh, my wife's a fat whore. That's great. Look at us.

We're dying. We're dying. That's the bread and butter. We're dying. That's the bread and butter of any conversation. No, yeah. Conflict, relatable.

Well, because, yeah, if you get enough exposure to people being like, I hate my wife, isn't that hack? You start to be like,

you know what? I wish one of these guys did hate their wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they could fucking tell me about it. I'm tired of someone trying to like, turn the mirror back on the, you know. Yeah, Yeah. They can fucking tell me about it. I'm tired of someone trying to like turn the mirror back on the,

you know, as long as it's genuine, you know, if it's disingenuous, it comes off like you're trying to get a rile out of, uh, like a white trash town. You know,

you're in Kansas city, a bunch of like goateed animals. Yeah. Yeah. But they don't even get the irony. Yeah. It was like, yeah,

yeah. This is a setup. Yeah. I'm gonna beat the shit out of their wife. Yeah, but they don't even get the irony. Yeah, they're like, yeah, yeah. This is great. This is a setup. I'm going to beat the shit out of my wife. And then we're like, whoop, whoop, whoop. They get to the end, they're like, it didn't really seem like he hated his wife. Yeah. I didn't really believe that.

Not sure what was going on with that. He said he hated his wife, but then. I like when wives do it about their husbands too Where they just go My husband's a fat retard And he keeps leaving a wet towel On the bed Yeah Because he's so stupid

I don't know why I'm like yeah That's great I love that Yeah So it's the same thing Yeah We all know those people

What? Yeah I'm like yeah We're all We are retards And you guys are bitches And that's the Right

Yeah it's a dynamic for eternity That's it Yeah But you can change. You can start researching mid-century modern furniture. It's deep. It's the fabric. You start wearing cologne.

It's deep in there. You clean the paint off your hands. You know? Take a dance class, do a little salsa. The building I was in doesn't have any hot water, I guess. What? Where are you at? Midtown?

Midtown, yeah. What street? Can you say it? I don't know. In the 30s? No, it's in the 30 where are you at? Midtown? Midtown yeah what street? can you say it? I don't know in the 30s oh true Midtown are we talking 7th and 8th? Garment district

Garment oh okay yeah so it's old a lot of fabrics it's old it's not too old I don't know

I guess you know it's like one of those things where you're pressing it and you're trying to wash all this I've been in the

Garment district I'm a big fan of I gave it a go pressing it. Yeah. I tried to wash all this. I've been in the garment. I'm a big fan of like, I gave it a go. I'm out of here. I'll do that without wiping my ass. I'm not sitting there all day. That'll do for now. And I'll let it just fall off naturally.

Yeah, it dries out. Then your ass cheeks kind of like crying the rest off. You shake it off the inside of your leg like Shawshank Redemption. Jesus Christ walking around the street looking at old chest feces in the garden there's a mound yeah dude oh man

ripping butts I wish one of Cone's favorite hobbies I wish I didn't dumping his shit out on the street I shit like an old

sick pug like you know what I mean like I could never imagine it like a hard dense rock and then like shuddering it out of my fucking

loose pant leg. I'm a dog that you have to wrap medicine and cheese and be like, come here, Buffy. Come here, Buffy.

A dog that got into something that shouldn't have. Yeah. Ah, fuck. Yeah, I've been licking the paint off your hands and then I just have

watery dumps going down my Ship in the bowl with a fucking 100 mile an hour liquid you put on Frankie I Go back and forth. I have eclectic. You put on music, though. Want a shower? No, I take a shit. Oh, I always go. Well, it's a shit shower combo.

I go do it before the shower. Yeah, yeah. I'm a fucking human being. I try to match it up, too. Do you? Yeah, pre-shit. You take a shit, get in the shower. Then at least you're clean for a little bit.

Every time my dog took a dump growing up, we'd bathe her. No, I'm kidding. But that's what they should's what they should bathe your dog too much no all right here we go chris chris allows dogs to stay here for like a stretch at a time he doesn't fucking hold on chris let me get this out no no it was two dogs so far, you've only been here a year and a half. Yeah. Won't say anything. I'll open the door and the dog's like, I'm like, fuck. All right, this has nothing to do with the bathing.

Immediately, an asshole dog. Great dog when you get to know him. But it takes like days to get to know the dog. So I think it's- It took you 30 minutes. It took at least a day and a half for me to open the bedroom door and this thing not fucking bite my ankles. Yeah, he loves the dog.

And the thing's not bathed. It smells like shit. It smells like an old wet rug and it's it's just sleeping on the on the couches and shit so like i want to pet him but like i'm like the dog stinks go bathe the dog and he's like dog doesn't stink i'm like dog stinks you gotta wash your dog you know when you smell after two three days of not not bathing? You stink. Go take a fucking bath. You can't wash a dog every three days. You can wash a dog once a week.

It's not a lot. Is it once a week? Once a week? Not that I own a dog, but once a week. No. Everything, you ever walk into a house

and immediately smell dog everywhere? Yeah. That's a disgusting family. Yeah. That's a family that should be cleansed themselves.

That's a family that shits and doesn't wash themselves. No, that's a family that loves one another and doesn't have people over very often. No, you should have, listen dude. It doesn't wash themselves no that's a family that loves one another and doesn't have people over very often no you said it doesn't fucking matter

who gives a shit that's a family of recluses first of all if you got little kids and a dog your house should smell like shit no clean the kids and the dog no no no cleaning is so far down the list I know trust me we know this is your argument No, no, no. Yeah, run the bathwater all the time. Cleaning is so far down the list.

I know. Trust me. We know this is your argument. Yes. The priority is making good people. Yeah. On the next Patreon, we're going to take a video of all your shit. And understand that this is your mentality.

Yeah. And I'm a good person. You are a good person. You're just a terrible cleaner. Exactly. And your ass looks like a yard sale. I got my priorities straight. Yeah, that doesn't bother me You can't clean?

You just don't Oh no I just Emotionally I find it Very challenging No he truly has a mental block Where he'll leave This

As soon as it's empty That's full of water I'm drinking It'll be there forever He's drinking Yeah I know but when it's empty How long has it been there

For weeks? Well he keeps refilling So he doesn't have to Throw it out This morning It's a good strategy See here's This is I feel like I stumbled Across something Recently with my girl for weeks. Well, he keeps refilling so he doesn't have to throw it out. This morning's... It's a good strategy. This is... I feel like I stumbled

across something recently with my girl. She does all the cleaning, right? Well, she will say she does all the chores. My thing is she does the chores first. Yeah.

That's the argument. She's like, I do them. It's like, no, you do them first. I do them second, but they're already done. I am doing them she just she's just too what kind of chores we talking cleaning the scrub in the bathroom

i think that i think that can take out of your league that that can be every few weeks where she does not agree with my timeline yeah yeah so that's why she cleans it all the time does that make sense i would do it yes but she's too she's too early I just said this to him in the kitchen too early to the airport prior to this prior to this podcast yes I'd spend most of my hours

in the day cleaning certain things and grinding my fucking teeth and biting my tongue cursing him under my breath going what am I fucking this guy's made I'm this guy's fucking made

is that why I'm here where's my hair I'm going to go after your shit where's my little bitch, April? And you're right. It does turn into that relationship thing where when they want to be mad at you, but they have nothing to be mad about,

they start cleaning shit so they have something over you. Is that what they do? Yeah, that is fucking what they do. That is what they do. Do you think I need something to be mad at you? You'll figure it out. Yeah, you're like,

you wake up, you're pissed off, you want something to be pissed about. You're like, you're like, you're, you're wake up. You're pissed off. You want something to be pissed about. You're like, I'm going to clean something. He's eating KFC for breakfast. You're on your macros or whatever. So he's just like, I come out.

It's on his chest. And it's just shit. It's nothing. Ruins a relaxing day. Like, like, and, and he knows it,

dude. He knows it. You've been retired for 25 knows it and women know it and women know it this is a relaxing day they see you having a relaxing day nothing makes them happier than fucking slamming a vacuum into your feet

well everybody's got a break point dude this is why women fucking stab men eventually they got a break point every day I gotta tell you to just move this to there no but it's Colm's thing i do it later on in the day you got to do it first thing in the morning when i'm trying to have a cup of coffee relax listen to you trying to emulate a normal human being's life you know when i'm reading the funnies in the newspaper yeah this fucking animal drop back to the 50s for normalcy.

Get the fuck out of here. This dude's in his underwear. I got my robe on. I got my slippers. I'm having a poached egg. He's got an Oculus on his butt, dude. Doritos hanging out of his ass. What do you think you're doing?

Fuck out of here. Just try and have a relaxing cup of coffee and watch the dudes. Dude, I've never understood those people. I don't have any use for a robe. Robes are wonderful. I know they are, but it's like, when am I going to wear it? No, I'm not wearing it. You can't be bringing robes in.

You've got to break the cycle of your father. That's what you've got to do. You've got to break the cycle of an old man's mentality. The simplistic days of sitting around and doing fucking nothing and refusing. This is why you said chicken parm is something I cook for you. My mother has the palate of a fucking mule. She is brutal. She can't cook shit.

The Irish side, is it? Yeah, Irish, of course. She's brutal. And then if we took her to a Stephen Starr restaurant, a five-star restaurant, Michelin restaurant, whatever the fuck it is, she'd be like, Mom, this is a very nice dinner. It's for a special occasion.

She goes, Oh, no, I can't eat that. Tom, no, no. We went to a restaurant. We went to a restaurant. It's called Tallulah's Garden. It takes a year to get a reservation. There's two tables.

One for eight people, one for 12 people. The menu is set set there's no going do you have ketchup none of that fucking white trash bullshit the good stuff it's a good sign you sit down and you go can i yeah yeah yeah don't do that exactly exactly that's yeah yeah yeah like a hardcore wop would be like you're not going to change anything you know this is a fucking i don't know why she's german in that situation but So we take her there And she ate nothing And I told the waitress ahead of time

I was like listen don't take offense My mother is just from a different time And she's ignorant She wouldn't even She wouldn't even try it It's got mushrooms Tom I don't do mushrooms Fucking try it

I've eaten mushrooms I hate mushrooms but I've eaten them a lot well because they're doing crazy things with mushrooms no no no they're not they're not

it's just not you're not visually it's different than what you're used to which is a bunch of slop on a plate like you're feeding a fucking horse

that's what I'm we're agreeing I'm saying they're doing wonderful things with mushrooms I have to change his face he's like yeah yeah yeah

I'm saying well you gotta you gotta keep your guard up. You can see him go, oh, shit. I'm saying that it's... He's agreeing with me. Dude, it's one out of a thousand.

He goes, I'm agreeing, Ian. Well, I'm still... Well, fuck you, Chris. No, I'm still mad. That's what I'm saying. It's like, mom, they're not just boiling the mushrooms and putting them on your plate.

She would eat them if you did. Are these saltless, boiled, white-butt mushrooms? Steve, this is the greatest restaurant I've ever been to. Yeah, it's like, it won't even taste like a mushroom, probably. You'll get a hint of that, and it'll be something other, you know. Yeah, listen, I'll say this, too. Parents that go, oh, my son's a picky eater. No, he's not.

You made him that way because you're a fucking picky eater. He doesn't like mustard. No, give him something. My niece is running around with like fucking shrimp. Like one and a half. Just gnawing on shrimp. Like little fucking queens. Yeah, that sounds amazing.

That's weird. It is weird. That's like, that's weirder than someone who eats mustard. A kid's palate is open. Yeah. Dipping it in the sauce. It's, it someone who eats a monster. A kid's palate is... There's a little kid munching on a shrimp. It's open. Yeah. Dipping it in the sauce. It's... What's going on?

There's no fucking... There's no bias in a kid's palate. It's brand fucking new. I don't think you remember being a kid. There is, for sure. I don't... I remember being a kid being forced through my mother's own fucking lens. No, but also...

And that's why I'm so aggressive about it. It's bullshit. When you're a kid, eating fucking sucks. It's not because it's not like, you know, high cuisine. It's just like, I want to be playing. I'm only awake for so long. Bedtime's coming. Because you have four.

We had four meals. That was it. Lasagna. That was like thick noodles that turned out to be fucking cheese soup. Wow. Because my mother didn't know how to like properly cook it. It's like he's in the witness protection. You call this lasagna?

It's thick noodles. Like a schmuck. God damn it. Oklahoma sucks. And then you'd have like a chicken, a chicken parm. You'd have like meatballs

in a fucking slow cooker and like grilled cheese and then you just rotate it we called my father Rigatoni Steve growing up

cause that's all he was rigatonis and then he once a week they would give him a steak and my father wouldn't give us

the steak he's like this is mine this is what we fought for but dude I don't know my brother

gets like blue aprons and shit right he's lazy learn how to cook that is lazy. Learn how to cook. That is how you learn how to cook. Someone sends you.

You're right. It's step one. But if you continue blue aprons for years, shout out to blue apron. If you want to. But it's also easy. Sponsor our podcast. It's easy. It is easy.

It doesn't. And it's just, it's simple. You go fast. But here's the thing. He's always trying to share it with his kids. And that's like good shit. That is. There's a lot of good shit in there.

But it's like they want hot dogs and noodles that are salted chris i'm not saying yeah yeah that's what kids want you shouldn't pass the no sauce spoil your children with pop tarts fucking grilled cheese hot dogs all that shit it shouldn't be the only meal they eat all the time because then they just reduce their vision for cuisine like like a you know expanding their palate and then when they get to like i don't know 72 like my mom she goes oh i can't eat that i couldn't possibly eat that steam now there's no why do you think she like what type of food was she brought up on same shit well she had fucking she's she's one of 11 yeah her father was working seven jobs and

then beating the fuck out of him when he got home. So they didn't have time. Other than boiled hot dogs. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But yeah, yeah, yeah. The Irish life, you

know? Yeah, of course. He came home with paint in his hands. Fuck it. She won't go with paint on her face. She's got a pack of

cold hot dogs over her eye in the morning. She came to. She doesn't remember what happened. She's like, I gotta start painting. Over her eye in the morning She came to She doesn't remember what happened She's like I gotta start painting He might hit you But at least it doesn't make me

Eat mushrooms One time my dad hit me With a pack of mushrooms I'll never eat them again No he's Look It's a stretch I took it far

But I'm saying I'm tired of going To people's houses Like they can't eat that Give her a piece of cheese I bet you she likes it Don't tell her What she's houses like they can't eat that. Give her a piece of cheese. I bet you she likes it. Don't tell her what she's going to like. You don't know that.

Picky is telling another child. She's telling another adult my child's a picky eater. It's like, no, they're not. They won't. They are. They won't eat it. That's because you're allowing them to go. You sit there and you eat the fucking peas.

You don't like peas. Yeah, you think so? Yeah. You lock them in a room My brother used to put lima beans In his face Like on the sides underneath his tongue In the sides of his cheek

And then hide them in his face And then go up to our bedroom and spit them in a trash can I thought he was doing a Marlon Brando. Okay, you're on the... You're on the... Yeah, then you just impersonate Marlon Brando. Yeah, your dad would probably seek vengeance on behavior like that. I have lost a son. I also feel bad for him because when I see him eat real meals,

he's like... You can see it in his eyes. It's like, holy shit. Who, your brother? It's like a dog seeing color for the first time. My father, like when he goes to a restaurant, like he loves Applebee's.

He's like, the wings are great. I'm like, that's because flavor never hits your tongue. It's an explosion. Go to a real restaurant with my pop. That was a great time. There is a,

my dad, my dad has a tough time with it. If you're beaten down in life, why be beaten down in eating at dinner That is a time That you should be spoiling yourself Every single time Your dad's supposed to have a bad palate

This is just like an old age That's what I'm saying We're no longer Don't extend that ignorance Go to Brooklyn, all those people walking around Their parents eat foie gras and shit. And that's the kids they produce. I hear you.

That's what happens. I hear you. There's a level of... If your dad likes tomatoes, you're a queef. They're like, what? I kind of agree with this. It's like,

save culinary exploration for later in life. I get that. Really? You're missing the point. The point is, I'm not saying it's up to them eventually to explore the culinary world. i'm not saying it's up to them eventually to explore yeah the culinary

world i'm not saying that yeah what i'm saying is don't inhibit your child's potential at a very early age because they believe this you tell them they don't like this and then you keep that from them for years eventually they come around 10 years goes by 15 years go by they're 25 years old finally have a mushroom and go i thought i hated mushrooms you didn't hate mushrooms because your mom told you hated mushrooms no because your mom hates mushrooms i hated mushrooms i still hate mushrooms i hate chris if i cook mushrooms for you and didn't tell you there were mushrooms you'd be like this is fucking amazing what is it no and i'm like they're mushrooms you're eating a mushroom ravioli and you thought it was meat I like mushrooms now yeah when it's hidden

you start cumming all over that couch and I have to clean it up out of respect you could also cum in the ravioli and just not tell us and then I'm by your logic I love cum now

it's a bechamel sauce what are you talking about obviously if it's in a gigantic pasta dish it doesn't matter what are you fucking just make an actual mushroom the mushroom is

the mushroom suck you gotta hide it visually for animals I hate mushrooms also by the way just so you know I'm also I know who I'm talking to Mushroom, the mushroom is the mushroom suck. You've got to hide it visually for animals to eat. I hate mushrooms also, by the way. I know who I'm talking to. There's a reason I'm bringing this up to this Irish couch. Mushrooms are the only one that I just,

no matter how much I'll try and force myself to, I just can't. What about a portobello, like a grilled portobello? No, I've eaten them, and I'll eat them. If someone gave me, if you made me a meal and it was covered in mushrooms, just I'll eat it, and I'll say them, and I'll eat them. If someone gave me, if you made me a meal, and it was covered in mushrooms, just I'll eat it, and I'll say nothing, and I'll fucking. And then go home.

That's the greatest thing I've ever done. Yeah, no, I'd eat, like, without any other options for burgers, I'll eat a portobello burger. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's amazing. It's a mushroom burger. It's a whole shell of a portobello, which looks the size of a burger.

But there's no actual beef in it. They just paint it with olive oil, a little bit of garlic. No, don't they actually, like, it's a mushroom burger. It's a whole shell of a portobello, which looks the size of a burger. But there's no actual beef in it. They just paint it with olive oil, a little bit of garlic. No, don't they actually grill it? It's a burger with a mushroom in it. Oh, they can chop it up. Some people just keep the whole cap. I feel like you could probably just put that in between some bread with some ketchup and lettuce. And I don't even know what's in there.

I order a hamburger, but give me something that looks like a hamburger. The other side of this coin is I wish I had this mentality. Of what? Like eating like a rat. Eating like a rat. Yeah. Like if I just went in the kitchen

and was like ooh bread and then just ate a piece of bread swallowed once in an hour like a fucking dog with peanut butter on top. See I can enjoy a piece of bread

and I can also enjoy the good stuff. You know? Alright. We got a breakthrough. Yeah. I love the good stuff. I'm just saying mushrooms is the only thing that i can't i've forced myself to eat them hoping to be part of the mushroom crew i've got this is not me just wasn't born that way you know what the next cooking show we're gonna do a mushroom thing yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna

gonna sell mushrooms i'm gonna do mushroom three ways for you boys. Mushroom three ways? I'll do it three ways, and I'll fucking... Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And be honest. Yeah, yeah. I bet it's going to be bang. Bud lights to fucking wash it down. Yeah.

And that'll be... We'll put that on the Patreon. There's only one food that I really... Like, if you're going to make a sandwich, and you're not gonna let me eat it right away don't put a tomato on it oh

yeah that's fair that's my only tomato's the most overrated addition to any sandwich it a thousand percent is a fucking a tomato on a hoagie

get the fuck out of here yeah I don't do all you do is push the fucking the good stuff off I don't do tomatoes on sandwiches either yeah it's like a wet condom

I don't need you fucking moving shit around inside that bread put a fucking dry condom yeah put a dry condom it's like a wet condom let me spit on my hand

and do it myself I hate wet condoms yeah dry condoms alright now listen yeah there's not there's

outside of outside of sauces there's no use for tomatoes I think the trick is with the kids is to do the opposite Where you go

Oh you don't like mustard That's good It's only for adults You're not allowed to have mustard And then you go You're never allowed to have mustard That's only adults When you're 18

You can have mustard And then next thing you know You'll come home And your daughter's Overdosed on mustard That's what my dad did With a fucking dick For mustard

My dad did to me With pussy You can't have it. Seventh grade, I'm like... Just double fisting pussy. Did he have to point at your pussy? My mom... No, no, no.

My mom comes running down the basement. I'm like, well, dad said I couldn't have it. When's the first time you got caught fucking? I never really got caught. Got caught? No, I never really got... Never really got caught, no. No one's ever barged into your room?

My brother did once, but it was just funny. Yeah. Because he was probably 20, so I was 16, and I was at his house banging my girl. And he walked into his room, and then she was like, I don't know, it's called starfish, is it?

So her legs were up, and I didn't move. And then my brother didn't open the door. He knocked the door, so the door opened. I was like a serial killer. He didn't walk in. He kicked the door, and the door woke up, and then he walked in. And he froze, and then he walked in And I And he froze

And then he just like Ah Is this older or younger brother? My older brother yeah So he's four years older than me I've had my parents telling me to Don't be fucking so loud What?

Yeah I've had that Wait hold on What year is this? I mean like 2010 No no I didn't mean that Like what year

In high school? Yeah late high school College And they would let your girls Just come over You could go to the bedroom I just bring home One night stands

All the time In high school? Not in high school But late Maybe last year of high school Wow So I was like 17, 18 You come in drunk

With just some stranger Yeah yeah yeah Shuffle them up the stairs Go right to the bedroom Everyone's already asleep It's like 4 o'clock 5 o'clock in the morning you go in

give her a good fucking four or five seconds yeah give her a good chicken cutlet yeah with no spice yeah

did you know that you were being loud I think I hope I don't know I've agreed to but yeah no salt and pepper it's the back side

it's all ketchup I'm still trying to shoehorn in this food thing did you know you were being loud no I guess yeah I'm still trying to shoehorn in this food thing. Did you know you were being loud? No, I guess, yeah. You could hear the headboard hitting the wall. Yeah, well then, yeah, because I'm finding the headboard. Were you connected to your parents' house or room, bedroom?

No, not like, yeah. Down the hallway. No, no. So this Irish bitch is yodeling down the hallway while you're making her. Well, this was just early days, I guess, when then you start to learn better techniques of like shoving a pillow yeah yeah putting your hand over her mouth making sure she's fully dead no but you put the pillow behind the headboard so then it's not there's no banging that was like a technique that i had to learn the idea of my parents hearing me fucking

would make me so soft well i guess we're built different I guess we're built different. You're sitting there hammering a girl. You know your parents are probably hearing it and you're going, fuck them. They can listen. Yeah, but they'd be too embarrassed to come in and say something. Well, it's not about getting caught.

It's just knowing that they're there being like, what the fuck is happening? Your brain, in terms of the sexual stimulation, it almost absorbs your brain and your ability to think. Not me. It sucks your brain into the head of your penis, and it's all about feel, pleasure. Your mind shouldn't be in that.

Not me. Not me. I know, you're a crazy person. I'm like, yeah. What do you do? No, this is what we say as men yeah we can't you can't think there's no emotional capacity this is like an international thing we all have agreed that men yeah yeah are not held responsible while having an iraq no it

just like if it's if it's too like i don't know if it's too weird i can't do it i wish i could i wish we could talk about cheating no no no no no the recent story my recent weird bird we'll talk about it we can talk about on the patreon maybe yeah yeah which is a direct correlation to this this conversation you know it totally is my my brain starts extending out into the universe and thinking about like yeah you suck the blood out of your bird when you start yeah yeah i just start like yeah yeah and if i'm if you don't ever do that if i think my parents would be listening to me like i've fucked in my parents house and like you know it's like i've done that stuff hell yeah dude but like if i thought if i thought they were listening i would but it would oh well it's like I've done that stuff. Hell yeah, dude. Nice. But like, if I thought, if I thought they were listening,

I would, it would, oh, break my heart. Well, it's not that you think they're listening. You're kind of going, nah,

I'm sure they're not listening. Yeah. Bang, bang. Yeah, yeah. There's no way they're listening. You're like,

no way, that's, that's not. No, I do, I'll do it quietly. I'll do like slow moves. Just little,

just little. Yeah, yeah, yeah. More like a, I will ruin sex To avoid my parents Just half pumps

Hearing me Did you take women To your bedroom In high school No I took them To the basement Oh so you could But you just had

Free reign in the basement Free reign in the basement What did you do Just put like a big Comforter over Oh dude Comforter over what The floor maybe

The plants You fuck Your genitals To start fucking Finger puppets You know Playing with each other's things No we were in the basement

But you had a bed You had to hide from everyone Well they can walk down the steps You didn't It's not an elevator That you locked They would knock They would knock

So let's say you're 20 years old And you meet a girl at a bar Or something I don't know if you Even if you were living at that point But You'd be like Do you want to come back to my house Yeah I live with my parents Which is Let's say you're 20 years old and you meet a girl at a bar or something. I don't know if you were living at that point, but you'd be like, do you want to come back to my house?

Yeah, I live with my parents, which was a great time in your life to be able to say that. And they're like, yeah, of course you do. Right, right. What a great time. Yeah. You really don't think about it. Yeah, Christmas break or something,

but you go back to the basement. Yeah, but it's like, listen, we're going to the basement. And then what, you just have a couch like this? Yeah, yeah yeah yeah she wouldn't sit so once it's a couch

she's not staying she knows this is just as crazy yeah you couldn't stay over that would be when are what are you talking about well you're locked

your parents are knocking on the door you brought a chick no that was in high school like I would have the girlfriend and we would go in the basement and they would and your parents would

knock on the door yeah oh my god my mother would barge the fuck down. Oh yeah. Why? They were hoping to catch you. Why?

I know. Why? I hear you. Who does that serve? No sin. You're sinning. She's an Irish Catholic. I'm fucking sinning.

Just knock on the door a bunch. You'd think. You'd think. Barge in. Well, I guess just... Dude, our whole thing was there was a no-knock policy growing up. There's no locks on the doors growing up.

My brother and I were in one bedroom. my oldest brother was in the second bedroom there's a small bathroom than my parents bedroom yeah no locks if they want to come in they barge the fuck in whenever they want they had a lock that's not right one time they should have locked it and they did it and i walked in and my dad I told this on a previous podcast I definitely did my dad was under the cover all right dude what you know that scene in Star Wars where he gets frozen in time like in that fucking wall of like copper or whatever fuck it is he's under the blanket and i just see his outline like a crime scene and he's he's going down on my mom and my mom's blanket is like here and she goes tom close the door and then i just had to pretend

you could just see him you could see him underneath the blanket just the outline of his whole body and you know his one arm was up here because it looked like he was trying to escape when he heard the handle. You sure? Yeah, that's their own fault. Did he even know?

It is their own fault. That is their own fault. Yeah, and I was like seven. If they hadn't established a precedent of barging in, you wouldn't. That's what I'm saying. You would have not.

That's what I'm saying. See? I'm agreeing with you. They're hoisted by their own petard. I'm agreeing with you. yeah dude so that way i like to aggressively agree no i get it i already did it to you earlier this is great we're getting it all out this is why i said if my mother wasn't aggressive against fucking mushrooms i would have liked mushrooms a lot earlier in life knocking on the door is feeding your kids mushrooms no my

parents tried to like you know force stuff on me I like, I mean, even in the spaghetti world, in the pasta world, they tried to like spice things up a little bit and I wasn't having it. Like what? Like pepper? I put a little meat in the sauce. Just bolognese? It's like, I don't need meat in the sauce. Dude, just bolognese?

I want a little bit of, what? They would like spice it up by adding bolognese to the spaghetti? Yeah, yeah. What do you like? That's great. Do you still to this day? I wanted, no, I wanted just a little bit of sauce. Just a little bit of sauce.

Just a light, like a light coating of sauce. You're too white, dude. He's too white. He's just too white. He plays lacrosse. He's from Connecticut. He's as white as it gets, dude. Jesus Christ.

This is what every black dude thinks we are, is him. Not white. My white is a little bit kind of like yeah it's white but it like fell on the floor yeah yeah yeah yeah and you like

picked it up yeah you're like the cockroach of white you know what I mean you're a little grimy grungy but you get around city

and that makes you less white somehow like a used car like a used white car that's what Irish is no it's just still white that's normal white

you're just ultra white you're just like a stereotypical white you're very like you know post post for a Christmas card You're like the Ivy League white Without calling the Ivy League

Is that that? You have the personality I don't know I think you guys are saying Some pretty incriminating stuff here I think you guys are Getting yourself In some real trouble

With this little This little line You've chosen to divide it Divide whites Yo Yeah This white guy Crackers This little line you've chosen to divide whites. Yo. Yeah. What the fuck is white guy, huh?

Crack-ass motherfucker. Blue-eyed devil. Blue-eyed devil. Meatless spaghetti motherfucker. Oh, man. I mean, you know what I'm talking about. It's like there's like a street where... You think poverty is not white. No, that's not what I'm talking about. It's like there's like a street where- You think poverty is not white. No, that's not what I'm saying.

That's literally what you're saying. That's what he's saying. That's what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're saying- In a way, because you're more exposed to other cultures. Well, who's saying it? Are we saying it?

Or are they saying it on the news every day? I don't know. Who is it? Is it me? Or is it your country? Look- I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out.

But it's not me. It's someone else started that conversation. You're blaming the media for this one. CNN. You're blaming the media for this one. Well, they whine about it if it's so great. There's an objective truth that if you're exposed to lower lower income and middle income you're just more grimy

and more real because you're exposed to different cultures. It's hard. It's tough. Yeah, it's shitty. I don't seem real to you? You do. You do. You do. You prick me do I not bleed? You bleed coins.

So much. Almost. I can feel it. You cut you open, just an IRA pops out. Cut me open. Holy shit, a college scholarship. Yeah, you're not sexist. One lacrosse ball.

You know what I mean. You're a regular guy I don't have the foggiest clue What you guys mean I don't think about the world In the way that you do You mean I think you're white

On the lens of I think you're white On the lens of A white race Italians aren't white You literally compared yourself To a used car I'm not

I didn't say we were confident I didn't say we were confident I didn't say we were confident That's where us I'm not totally white The real black's different I just I never knew like You know

Italians They're white But barely Barely Barely slid in Completely white Just slid Indiana Jones

Before the thing Yeah Somebody commented Underneath When we did Matt and Shane's podcast slid in completely just slid Indiana Jones before the thing yeah somebody commented underneath when we did Matt and Shane's podcast I was wearing

brown and brown I was wearing brown sweatshirts and a brown shirt and some dude called me Italiana Jones fucking love me

that is amazing unbelievable that's phenomenal but yeah like I want to talk about this Christmas thing oh the Christmas That is amazing. That's phenomenal. But yeah, I want to talk about this Christmas thing. Oh, the Christmas fucking... I have an issue

when it comes around Christmas time. I'm sure you have many. I'm sure you have. Mostly because I'm Jewish. No, I have a problem because there's this... In my family, we had five fishes.

Seven. Everyone else had seven. My mama only ate five. Can you believe this? For years, I thought I didn't like two of the fishes. It was bad. The other two fishes had mushrooms in them. She just threw them out.

No. So every year around Christmas time, this is for like 20 years, I get fucking livid that everyone I see around town is in brand new Christmas gear. Drives me fucking nuts. I don't know why, but everybody wears their brand new shit. Everyone's in shiny, head to toe, brand new stuff. And for some reason, it always fucked me up. So then I spend a week going, that's new, that's new, that's new.

I look at purses. I look at sneakers. I look at jackets, hats, whole thing. And I'll go blocks and blocks going, head to toe, brand new. Head to toe, brand new. We came out of the, we were walking down the street the other day. And he's huffing and puffing. He's getting all fired up. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. He's huffing and puffing all's getting all fired up he's huffing and puffing he's like another one and I'm like dude what the fuck are you talking about and he's like everyone on the streets got new fucking clothes I'm not a voter he starts

pointing it out wouldn't you know it everyone was wearing new clothes it was crazy he would get to the point we got to the end of the block we went from 30th to 28th Wouldn't you know it? Everyone was wearing new clothes. It was crazy. He would get to the point, we got to the end of the block. We went from 30th to 28th, Av. And he's going, head to almost toe. Those are old shoes.

This fucking guy nailed it. You can pick out one thing, like old purse, everything else, head to toe. And I would say 80% of the people didn't have just one new item. It was the whole kit. Yeah, showcase. It's a Oh, no. It was the whole kit. Yeah, showcase. It's a showcase showdown. It was unbelievable. I've never seen,

I never noticed it before. Yeah. And it did start to bother me. Let's see. Wait. See? I haven't been able to grasp what we're talking about. We're angry that people

are getting new stuff for Christmas. And wearing it. And wearing it. The whole thing, though. Listen, you get nice, one item, you can't be fucking barrowing out of your bedroom.

Top to bottom. Right out of the package. I'm talking fucking creases on your Van Hoosen. You wear new clothes the day you get them. Yeah, but you all know

it's not the day after Christmas. This is a brand new shirt. It's got today. It's half to them. This is again the sprinkling. I'll wait a couple weeks. You gotta sprinkle it through the year. What's the problem with wearing the whole new thing? Ah, you're showing your hour. This is again the sprinkling. I'll wait a couple weeks. You got to sprinkle it through the year. You do.

What's the problem with wearing the whole new thing? Ah, you're showing your ass. Showing your ass. Yeah. What if you have like four new outfits? Right. It makes sense for someone like you. For me. Which is why this is baffling.

You're still wearing Christmas 2005. Yeah. Long saying. Look, it's annoying. It's a good look. It's annoying. You look great. It is a good look.

You look great. People a good look You look great People respect it You look great You know now it's being Fucking Now being mean And I don't mean to be mean You look wonderful

These are clean socks I changed my socks Before I came here I was just complimenting Gardini on these shoes He was wearing earlier The shoes I looked these up

These are clean socks I didn't wear the same socks I wore How thick is that sock That's a perfect thickness That is a perfect thickness This is my favorite type of sock What The color I'm not No I've had I wore. How thick is that sock? That's a perfect thickness. That is a perfect thickness. This is my favorite type of sock.

The color I'm not a fan of. No, I'm not a runner. Too many thin socks. But on painting days, you're allowed to go gray. You know what I mean? Yeah. I like gray. Why don't you get help?

Why don't you get help? Yeah. With what? Paint. Get in your studio. No, that's a real thing. This is Tommy offering. Tommy's offering a service.

I thought you meant fashion help. I thought you meant fashion help I thought you meant Fashion help I'll shut your mic off I thought you meant Yeah I'll go shopping with you I'll pick out a fucking Nice pair of jeans I was like what

No I was puked No What There's a reason why Comedy merch All looks like Fucking clown gear

This is Yeah Cause that's what That's what the people like No they don't know This is the comment This is like my mother Saying that's what my son likes. No, there's other options.

We're going to do bathing suits. We're going to find out. Have a little thing. We're going to do turtlenecks. We're going to do corduroy hats. You're not doing turtlenecks. People will be mocking you wearing them. Don't.

Is that a play on words? Is that a pun? Yes, it is. You don't even know what a mock turtleneck is? No, I'm a real smart I wish you laughed at that a little bit

a little bit of fashion humor you know me I wish you went like this they'll be mocking you whoop whoop whoop whoop

make sure to tip your wages this will hold you back in 25 minutes whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop back in 25 minutes Oh my god Yeah

But yeah If I didn't even ask I meant that to you You should get help You should get help Let us know if you want a bathing suit I'll help you Of course you'll help me now

It's finished All the heavy things are over You got a lot of stuff to do You gotta build some Some drawers You got a table You need a table I'm gonna like

Get some Table smart actually We're getting rid of this soon some some drawers and you got a table you need a table i got i'm gonna like it for some table smart actually we're getting rid of this soon the tv stand you want that you think so you put your tv on well just a couple of guests on the tv stand like the tv stands grown on me that's what are you doing that's your mountain huh you're mounting the tv no i'm gonna get a new tv why are you getting rid of the stand that's Chains He's gonna move out Oh he is Well he keeps saying that But we don't know when that's He's calling bye-byes dude

You gotta prepare yourself Immediately Immediately You got Yeah it's emotional It's emotional fucking kickstart Going it's gonna happen Dad's leaving

Anyway You know Your mom and dad Start fighting for years You know it's gonna happen And then you're prepared Why You're prepared for move out day

We're gonna see each other All the time Nah Can't anymore Disrespect You don't think It's disrespectful Never again And then you're prepared Why You're prepared for move out day We see each other all the time Nah Can't anymore Disrespect You don't think it's disrespectful Never again No we're gonna see each other a ton

Then he's gonna talk about His new roommates Posting pictures on Instagram Found another one There's some hot dude Shirtless in the lawn There's some guy With a really successful podcast

Yeah I never thought I'd meet someone now. Dude, I was just listening to a podcast about polyamory. And they were talking about... Wait, what? The whole episode? Yeah, I listened to a whole episode about polyamory. I just can't even imagine a world where that would ever even be a thing.

Or click or care about. What were you doing i was like you know i would like try to pitch me on polyamory right now okay you know i was like no i was that's why i turned on the podcast i saw it and i said you know what are you are you looking i got a really negative no i got it no no i'm trying to pitch it yeah let them pitch pitch polyamory well you know the idea of having one partner

is such an outdated it is picture it is it was actually created by 1000% also

I don't love you less loving someone else doesn't make me love you less dude let me tell you something no you're not allowed to love someone else but I'm allowed yeah

when a woman loves two men alright polyamory sounds like a guy loves two men. All right. Polyamory sounds like a guy loves multiple women. Would you get offended if you were at dinner with your girlfriend and she was like, that's a good looking dude? No. No. Of course not.

Absolutely not. You're a mature adult. Yeah. Or if I was like, that's a good looking dude, would you get upset? I would not get upset. Exactly. You're a fucking adult. So what makes you think that when you settle down with a woman, you're no longer attracted visually or sexually to another person? Whether you're a man adult so what makes you think that when you settle down with a woman you're no longer

attracted visually or sexually to another person whether you're a man or a woman it's crazy nobody thinks that nobody thinks that

what are you talking about they want you to act as if you they want you to yeah lie they want you to like but the more honest you are about it

going that's a beautiful person why can't I say that cause you've never been with a woman that was insecure or jealous? Yeah, no shit. So then what are you talking about? Me, all of them.

No, but I'm talking about like a normal person isn't of the opinion that you're not going to find anyone attractive for the rest of your life. I would argue they are. Most people from our elk, ilk from our elk i think they they believe that like they find your you find your soulmate a block and a half from where you grew up yeah that's what they think and then once you meet this this fucking freckle monster you have four or five kids that you can't afford you sit in the fucking house eating bland mushrooms and you just go, I guess this is who I got.

And you're the most beautiful woman in the world, Jeannie. And you can't go looking at other girls getting a nice chicken sandwich. This is the way they see you. You ever watch porn, right? You rub one out, you come, and then next thing you know,

that porn is disgusting. Yeah. That's the way they kind of feel like your brain changes once you start have you ever had a porn conversation with a with a girlfriend when she's like what do you what do you like what do you watch tell tell them try to tell them yeah what you're into and watch that impl yeah, yeah. Guy brings girl home flowers. Yeah, because, well, you can't start there

because that's not really what you're, it's not. I didn't say start there. I just said that's a fucking, that's a normal conversation we should have with someone. If you're talking to your girlfriend, like, all right, well, what do you masturbate to? Or like, what do you like on porn? And she told you, if you're like harrumphing to me,

like fucking, you like Latino guys? You're like, like that's fucked up and then you get in your head you're you're a fucking idiot yeah i mean let the girl peruse yeah yeah yeah pick any color peruse away i watch all that roll the wheel i also watch all that step any size bird double the bird all holes filled get it girl yeah as long as you love me and then you're not you know trying to get the holes filled yeah yeah yeah that's what i'm saying yeah well a lot of relationships are like i don't like that some people just don't want to know but i don't think i've been in relationships where like a waitress will come to the table who's objectively beautiful yeah and they know she's objectively beautiful right and they'll look at you going you think she's cute yeah

of course she's cute you know she's cute yeah why what do you like about her no that is my I don't know her I don't like anything about her she's just a pretty girl

oh you like blondes now do you and that yeah oh you're into blondes now it turns into a fucking fight I didn't know you liked blondes you're like what am I supposed to say so then you get into the point going

nope not into her and then I have to tell her that I'm looking at a beautiful woman that I don't like her yeah no I mean I don't think

I'll ever be in one of those again no that's crazy it is crazy you're forced to lie yeah yeah that's that's banana land

I mean again it's like it really is it's crazy yeah dude what's our podcast called can we change it banana land dude no that's banana land. I mean, again, it's like, it really is. It's crazy. Damn, dude. What's our podcast called? Can we change it? Banana land.

Dude, no, that's banana land. That's a good name right there. Fuck. Here's the thing. Irrationality breeds dishonesty. It's a fact of life. That's a... Is that an O'Connor original?

That's an O'Connor original. Did you nap before this podcast? Make him black and white and put that on the thing. I'll share it on my main. It'll be our first clip. Irrationality breeds dishonesty. It does. You said that, Walt Whippen?

No, it does. It's the only poet I know because he's from Philly. He's got a bridge in Philly. He's probably not from Philly. He's from Philly. He's got a bridge in Philly. He's probably not from Philly. He's from New York. Yeah. He's got a bridge in Philly. Jesus Christ.

He went there one time. No. Yeah, no. He did, probably. No, he was gay. He hung out with the soldiers and stuff during the Civil War. W.W.?

Yeah, yeah, Walt Whitman. Yeah. No, his poetry rules. His poetry does rule. I bet but crossing the Brooklyn Ferry yeah you don't get a bridge built after

if your poetry doesn't fucking crossing the Brooklyn Ferry is the coolest fucking poem of all time no but irrationality breeds dishonesty

Jesus Christ you compliment him on one thing no because he's white guys huh I know because this is like

yeah you don't think I'm white white guys don't all I do is quote Walt Whitman all day long I thought this would be a topic we could explore all of a sudden

we're on Walt Whitman all I said oh my god it's crazy rationality breathes dishonesty so you don't have it yet and I quote a couple of witties I feel Dominican

when I hang out with Chris I know no the moment you can't trust someone with the truth it's you just start lying about fucking the tiniest things. Yeah. All the time. I agree.

All the time. And I'm guilty of that too, though. And then you've built a mountain of lies that are just like, they don't even make sense. It's a spider web too. And then they're like, well, why would you lie about,

you know, you fucking were on the bus and you weren't on the bus? It's like, because... I wanted to avoid this. Yeah. And you would know... You beat me down for so many fucking arguments. I wanted to avoid this. Yeah. And you would beat me down

for so many fucking arguments. I will lie about everything. Yeah. Even though I'm not doing anything. Yeah. Because you thought

I was doing all of it and I wasn't. I knew you were lying. I knew you ate all the pickles. Yeah. If you're lying about this what else are you lying about? It's like

I mean everything. Literally everything. My name is Carl. you got a good point yeah yeah yeah I'm from Indiana this dick isn't real I don't

yeah but also I don't think I've told my girlfriend the truth in four years so I'm like but what are you trying to say yeah I feel like I'm just

trying to keep just nodding and agreeing yeah yeah I'm just trying to keep yes anding no there is an element to where you just like you fucking you bear down and you just go i'm just gonna tell her whatever she needs to hear

to avoid the lash out dog shit that's gonna waste my night yeah it's it's impossible to me i know and i agree with you you start off a hundred percent open and honest. And then you get here. New relationships, you go, look, I had sex with a transsexual. It was an accident. Of course. It's not even on the page yet. You say that. Dude, I'll say anything.

This is the best part about it. She goes, it's a second date. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to just. If I met someone in like two years, I'd be like, look, go to Stuff Island YouTube. You'll find out eventually. Just watch the season you'll know enough about my fucking yeah but i hear you it's like there's a there's a

confusion as to like how much do i tell like what do i what do i protect well yeah what happens is you'll say you'll say the truth at the first time and then you have this big fight and then you walk out of there going yeah i'm the guy who tells the truth then you didn't and then the next time you tell the truth and you have this big fight you're like yeah i'm the guy and then you have this big fight and then you walk out of there going yeah I'm the guy that tells the truth and then the next time you tell the truth and you have this big fight and then the third time you go ah it's not worth the fight no I love you baby I see to me it starts with little things where you're like

it'll be some tiny lie where like you were on your way home and then you ran into a friend you had one beer and then and then you came back and uh and you'll come back and the first time in the new relationship you'd be like oh no i ran into jeff and i had a beer and they're like you ran into and you just had a beer you call me i would have liked to have a beer and i was like and you're like where was jeff this is you never run into jeff who's jeff this is in front of me does he

have a girlfriend and then you're like what's the better answer here who else was Jeff with it was just you and Jeff yeah it was just Jeff and I having a beer do you ever find yourself

lying does Jeff have a girlfriend and then you go what's the which one do you want which one do you want me to say here

you go yes if you think that's good. And you're so panicked. And you're so panicked for 30 years. Yeah, that's the thing. And he's just leaving his wife at home. No, no, no.

She died of cancer. Jeff sometimes goes out with his wife, too. You're right. He wants to go out with us next weekend. No, that isn't true. And then you're going to call Jeff and go, listen, I got a problem. Dude, I got a problem. I lied so hard that we have a double date next week.

I told the truth, and now I have to lie first. You lie yourself into something you don't want to do. Just to avoid an argument. I'd rather build a falsehood and then fuck up my whole week. Just to not fight with somebody. The trick is now. But it's their fault. Yeah, it's my mom's fault for not locking the door.

It's their fault. You got to just, yeah, they have to be like oh okay yeah it's a mature way to think cause that is that is the that's a better scenario where it's like

you did run into Jeff and his girlfriend at the thing and you went and had a drink and she's like you just you went and you hung out with him was there anyone else there

like can you lie but yeah dude have you ever been with a girl like this when they're like I'm going out with my girls on Saturday night and you're like awesome yeah fantastic going out with my girls on Saturday night.

And you're like, awesome. Yeah. Fantastic. Go. Amazing. That's great. Have fun. I'll see you when you get back. Just text me and let me know you're all right.

That's it. Oh, dude. And then that'll even become a fight going, well, that's it? You're just going to let me go? Yeah, yeah. What? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'd even go further than that and i'd say if you turn around to your girl you're together for years and you go look i need to just clear my head i love you i'm not leaving you in any way i love you this is what we've built i just need to get away from everton you work this whole city i'll be back in four days i'm just gonna live in a cabin in montana for four days yeah there's no internet there's nothing yeah i'll see back in four days I'm just gonna live in a cabin Can you imagine? In Montana Imagine For four days

Yeah There's no internet There's nothing Yeah I'll see you in four days I love you She go Who you fucking in Montana?

Yeah of course If my girl turns to me and goes Listen I need to find myself I wanna go to France for a month I'd be like Yeah baby Yes Send pics

Whatever you gotta do Send pics Whatever you gotta do Tag on Italy Dude I've always said When I see Get the fuck out of here

Growing up I used to see like older men Eating dinner by themselves What you gotta do? Send pics. Whatever you gotta do. High Gone Italy. Dude. I've always said when I see. Get the fuck out of here. Growing up I used to see like older men eating dinner by themselves at the bar. Going to a movie by themselves. Nice. And I'm like that poor fucking man doesn't have a wife or a loved one or like a family or kids. What? Yeah. What happened?

Yeah. And then I got older. I'm like that man has it figured out. He tells her he's going somewhere else and goes to watch a movie just for three hours of silence. Goes to eat dinner. I love eating dinner by myself. I love going to have two pints of beer by myself.

This is short-sighted. You got to think the long game. You're getting old. Your brain's going to start falling apart. You're getting old. Your brain's gonna start falling apart. You're gonna be dying, right? And that's when... You come in and clean up after me the way I've been cleaning up after you

the last two fucking years. The reason people have children. No, that's just... I shit! Dude, if you're in your... Chris is perfectly healthy. He's also covered in shit. Yeah, me too, bro.

Chris, are you in this room? He's in the Oculus. Oh, my God. Somehow it goes up the back of my shirt. I'm like, is it my shirt? No. This is the reason you have kids. It's because you need someone to...

You need a nurse? No, you need someone... No, fuck. Put me in a nursing home. I don't give a fuck. But you need someone You need a nurse? No, you need someone No, I didn't Fuck, put me in a nursing home I don't give a fuck But you need someone to protect you financially from the fucking buzzards

and piranhas that come after your money when you're fucking Spend it What do you mean? What are you saving for? Dude Who are you saving for?

Someone to scoop the shit out of your pants You save You need a shit scooper I'm saying your retirement money. Fuck them. You're not thinking clearly. If my parents aren't going to give me any money.

This is an anger talk. No, it's not. I hate this mentality. This is a bullshit mentality. No, I'm saying your money goes far. Work 60 years your whole life doing something you fucking hate. Marry someone you don't love. Have too many kids you can't fucking afford.

Work a job to pay for the kids. I'm not done. Pay for the kids you can't fucking afford. All a job to pay for the kids. I'm not done. Pay for the kids you can't fucking afford. All for what? So you couldn't have fun? No, no, no. Use your money. Live your life.

Spend it all. Stop worrying about that shit. I agree with you. I agree with you. Spend it all. But you run out of money faster when you're an old, confused geezer and your font's fucking huge on your phone. Go to GW. take a fucking leap,

and don't pencil. The only way to survive is you take a fucking pencil off the GW. Or you could have two kids. And if you don't pencil, you go night-night. And if you're fucking 65 years old, you got a little fucking lump in your liver or something, whatever, and then yeah, take a leap.

Or you could have two young Tommies that are going, are you trying to take my father's money? Are you trying to take my father's money? And they go down and they break some guy's legs. What makes you think they're even going to have any fucking say in my money anyway? They're trying to protect your money

for you to spend. They're not. That depends how you raise your kids. If you focus on food and cleaning the dog three times a week. Yes, most important. Then you're going to have shitty kids. Cleaning after yourself and eating well are more important than worrying about your parents' fucking money. No, no, no.

My parents, I used to get savings bonds. Do your parents have money? No. Well, then how would you even know? Exactly. You're like, I've never had to worry about my parents' money. No, I just know they don't think like that. They don't fucking care.

There's not going to be a conversation going, well, let's split up the will. Who gives a fuck? You know what? Caring about money is a real white person thing. It is. It truly is. It is. This is an upper class mentality.

This is it. Live your life. Spend your shit. Get fucked up. Kill yourself. You guys are drawing lines in the sand. That's a cycle. No. You're your shit. Get fucked up. Kill yourself. That's the fucking cycle, dude. That's the cycle. You're not doing well.

Have fun. Fuck with the basement door locked. We're out here. Go do drugs. Jump off a bridge. We're jumping off bridges. We're dying at 65. Look at us. We're not white. We're dying at 65. You need to make some young people To protect you in the future

No you don't It's literally like My girlfriend It's like a terminator It's a reverse terminator situation So people without children They're fucked I'm gonna be in a potty

They are fucked How? I mean If I was in finance I'd be I'd be looking through The You know

I guess The yellow pages A little touch screen Well by then If I was in finance I'd guess you'd be looking through the yellow pages. A little touch screen. Well, by then. If I was in finance, I'd be. I'd be in the telephone book. And I'd have one of those big calculators.

Yeah, there's a boy named O'Connor here in Connecticut. One of those little caps. Lonely, single, single geezers are fucked. No, they are fucked. fucked dude throw a hungry man on one of these fucking TV trays dude

a nice IPA a big glass of whiskey what exactly are we arguing over here what's the what's the action he's saying you can't be alone

and old and be happy I need your protection he's saying you need you need protection you need to spawn two pieces of shit that want your fucking

bank you don't have to make them pieces of shit well you will cause you're not gonna be feeding them mushrooms I gotta feed them mushrooms. All right.

How far are we in? We'll continue this on the Patreon. All right. Are you wrapping up? Yeah. Are you going to stick around for the page? Yeah. Goodbye, everybody.

All right. Yeah, yeah. Goodbye.