Stuff Island - Stuff Island #90: The Kiss of Death w/ Maddy Smith

Episode Date: July 19, 2023

- Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch. Each week they'll talk about anything & everything under the sun. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Maddy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/somaddysmith/ Support the show & go to hexclad.com for 10% off your entire order - promo code: STUFFISLAND Support the show & got to birddogs.com/stuff - promo code: stuff Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Make it clap dude Make it clap, make those cheese claps, you know what I'm saying? Just throw in some I'm gonna pop, I'm gonna pop, I'm gonna pop, I'm gonna pop I lost it When's the last time you prematurely came? It's been too long I lost it. When's the last time you premature came? It's been too long. Yeah? You're so good.

I love preemie. What do you define prematureing as? Too soon for her or too soon for yourself? Oh, yeah. You think we're thinking of her? No. No, I don't. That's ridiculous. It's been too long. I love...

Do you apologize or do you just pretend it never happened? No, if I come fast, I feel like the greatest person on earth. Yeah? Yeah. I like when they get it done. I know. I'm like, whew, off the hook. Yeah.

Yeah, every lady's probably like, thank God. Yeah, dial it up again. Totally. But we were just talking about this in Sprinter Van going to that party. What? It's like when some girl's like, look, if you come early, don't worry about it. We'll get it up again. Well, there's a second time.

You gotta go. It's like you're getting tased. Don't move. Don't talk. You're ruining my vibe. Round 10. They're trying to ring you out like a washcloth. Get all the cum out. Like a fucking cinnamon roll. My first pop is a ring out.

My second is... Yeah, I was watching. It's fucking nothing, dude. I gotta get my nookies checked to see what's going on with my prostate. My prostate, it's like a produce place

with no limes left. It's just empty storage. Right, empty. You ever go to like... I went to Cuba. You ever go to like a communist supermarket? Kind of.

I mean, I've been to Aruba. Not the same thing at all. A communist supermarket? Yeah, they have one aisle, and they sell tomatoes. And they place one tomato, and there's like 12 inches, one tomato, 12 inches, one tomato. They don't have enough stuff to provide for the people. Oh, oh.

So I thought you meant it was like Best Buy, like the products out there, but you're like, Oh, there's nothing in the back. In Cuba, there's nothing in the people. Oh, oh. So I thought you meant it was like Best Buy, like the products out there but you're like, and they'll check the back. Oh, there's nothing in the back. In Cuba, there's nothing in the back. There's a whole bunch of tomatoes in the back. The front is the back.

No, no, no. It's just the display. Yeah. Do you have this in a size nine? So let me know how they feel. No, it's just sad as shit. That's really sad. Do the tomatoes cost a lot of money?

I don't know. I mean, I know how much the whiskey costs. It's very cheap. It's like $2 for a double pour. Really? Where are they getting their whiskey from? It's all country made. Really? They make whiskey in Cuba? Yeah.

What's the climate for whiskey? I'm nodding like it's Cuba, dude. I have no idea. I thought that was like a northerly climate kind of thing. What is, whiskey? Yeah. No, it's distilled in temperature-controlled environments, but they're not outdoors.

I know, but you got to think. There's not a mosquito net over a big fucking barrel. So do they get the wheat from somewhere else? Isn't it made from wheat? Wheat? Isn't whiskey made from wheat? Lessat? Isn't whiskey made from wheat? Less questions. Something like that.

I don't know enough. You were so confident a few seconds ago. I'm confident. I'm confident whiskey was a big import. I'm trying to remember the Jameson tour. They told me all about it. I don't remember a fucking thing. Yeah, because they fucking give you a shot every five minutes.

It's a very safe country because they make most of their money on tourism. It's their number one job, essentially. But they have these rackets where these guys will dress up in three-piece suits. And they walk around looking for people that look like us. You'd be. There's seven handsome dudes with smell goods on, dressed to the nines. A white girl? Trying to take advantage of you.

Really? Yeah, not sexually. They just want, they go, there's a... I got just getting excited. I was like, I'm going to Cuba. I'm gonna pop,

I'm gonna pop. I'm like hopping on Fashion Nova tonight and shipping myself off to Cuba tomorrow. He's so funny. You try to fuck one of them and they're like,

oh, no. I just wanted to overcharge you for a cab ride, honey. I have no interest in that pink pussy. You think I'm an animal? You know the kids that walk down Steinway and 30th Street and they pretend they're coaching little kids?

Oh, yeah, the clipboards, the basketball, the boxes of fruit snacks. Oh, my daughter's ill. Fruit snacks I get. The fucking basketball team, now they recognize me. It's Oh, my daughter's ill. Fruit snacks I get, the fucking basketball team, now they recognize me. It's like, dude, I gave you a dollar three years ago, and I still fucking regret it. I know you're not a coach.

I haven't seen you anywhere near a basketball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tommy does this great thing where he goes, the amount of money I've given you guys. He gave him $1 five years ago. He's like, I'm dumped a fortune into this program. I got fucked. I'm backing out. He's like,

on the board. I'm backing out. There's been no returns for my investment. He's got pictures to back it up. He's like, look, look, look, these are the kids. It's like, dude, you just Google image kids playing basketball. Anyway, here's another dollar. It's Bronnie James. I don't care. I'll buy fruit snacks off of Mexie

and I also bought a couple bracelets for this little girl who's selling handmade bracelets. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. She said they're five a pop.

I gave her 20. She goes, thank you so much. I was like, where are you going with my change? And then I made her smile and I was like,

no, that's for you. And she's like, come on. You probably fucking made her heart race. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's probably, what do I do, what do I do, I came off real aggressive. Oh, yeah. Yeah, now she's never you probably fucking made her heart race she's probably what do I do

what do I do I came off real aggressive too yeah now she's never gonna sell on the subway again imagine handing somebody like a

little handmade bracelet like purple and I'm like you think you're just gonna keep the whole fucking 20 just yelling at

a little girl I got a Snickers on the subway once and and I could feel people's judgment

they were looking at me like I got scammed when people buy from us I look up and I could feel people's judgment. They were looking at me like I got scammed. When people buy from us, I look up and I'm like, okay, did you just move here from Virginia? Yeah, I paid $3 for a Snickers. I don't give a fuck. They should go out. You're keeping the lights on in that man's house. It's nice.

They should go out when Taylor Swift's in town and get all the drunk girls. True. Getting Snickers. Drunk girls are like, wait, Taylor Swift's in town and get all the drunk girls. True. Getting Snickers. Drunk girls are like, wait, so it's 10 for the Oreos? Yeah. We'll do two of those. Do you have margaritas?

No, you don't. Okay. They're fucking, they're like 16-year-old girls dressed in, like, sequined cocktail dresses with their labia hanging out, and they're all fucking ripped. It's like, protect your darts, man. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They're ripped. They It's like, protect your darts, man. They're ripped. Stop letting them take the fucking L train in the Brooklyn.

The girls are getting ripped these days. The girls or the clothes are ripped. They're gonna be ripped, is what I'm saying. They dress so scantily. They dress like this lamp behind you. Oh my God, I thought you were talking about girls

like being ripped, and I was saying the girls are getting ripped. No. There's girls who are getting ripped these days at the gym. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking.

Yeah. They're eating the like athletic greens, and. Yeah. Is this what you've been reading into? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking. Yeah. They're eating the like athletic greens and. Yeah. Is this what you've been reading into? Yeah. You guys aren't on the girl's side of the internet.

Is that pre-workout stuff? Yeah. What is the pre-workout? It's just speed. Yeah. Natural piranha or some shit. I never had it. You'd like take it dry.

Yeah. They get it out of like a tree bark and shit. You just like, they make it into powder. Yeah. I saw that video. That's what the Chinese do. You just like, they make it into powder. Yeah, I saw that video. It's what the Chinese do with like horns. They get you hard?

Yeah. Yeah, they just, Americans take it off. Have you ever taken pre-workout? I've never taken it. Does it actually make you go nuts? It's awesome. I don't do it anymore. No?

Too old. Too old. Dude, having that energy in the gym is psychotic. Yeah. Like, what do you... What's the point? Yes. I just take a cold, I drink a cold brew. Yeah, I drink coffee and go. Yeah, that's all you need. I have an empty stomach. Yeah. Like, what do you, what's the point? Yes. I just take a,

I drink a cold brew. Yeah, I drink coffee and go. Yeah, that's all you need. Coffee, empty stomach. Yeah. Fucking forget you're alive for an hour and then you're done.

See? I don't need to make it a hobby. Yes. It's what I do so that I can walk upstairs when I'm single and 60. Yeah. It's gonna, you know,

I'm gonna have no one to take care of me. Dude, if you ever, I felt like that was an insult towards me, but whatever I'll pass over that if you're PRing

you're a fucking loser if you keep track of your little gym things bringing a giant sleepover bag is my biggest pet peeve outside of having a gallon of water you fucking loser just go back to the well. This is not Africa.

You take a 10-foot walk back to a... To the water fountain. A water fountain. And the water's super good. It's crazy. But they're probably putting their pre-workout in there or something. I don't know. No, they just want to make sure they get through a gallon

in three hours or some shit. Yeah, some shit like that. Is that good for you? No, apparently it's too much. Yeah. Water toxicity. It's a thing. New York is good water, though. Yeah, some shit like that. Is that good for you? No, apparently it's too much. Yeah. Water toxicity. It's a thing. New York is good water, though.

Yeah, it does. I fucking be at the faucet like... This water. 2 a.m. You ever wake up from a hangover and just chug from the faucet? Absolutely. You don't have a glass of...

I do. Yeah. I don't have the time. But the faucet... I need to drink water immediately. I know, but... When I'm hungover. You don't keep it on the end table?

Not all nights. You seem very routine oriented. You would hate living with me. With water? Yeah. Because it's the balance of life. Oh, okay Tommy J. You put the work in here,

you put the work in the thick areas. Dude, I've been watching you. I use that Nutribullet, like, 32 ounce and I just took the cap off. Yeah, it's to fucking make shakes for the family. I just have, like, fucking... In the morning, I have a water shake, and

the ingredients are on my Instagram story. It's basically just water. Dude, I've been watching Chimp Empire and there's so many things that they don't answer in that show. Chimp Empire? I've never heard of it. It's about an empire. So many things they don't answer. Yeah, yeah. Chimp Empire. All the stuff is on the computer like, dear producer.

One of the number one, it's like they never show footage of them drinking water. Wait, Chimp Empire is the name of this podcast? I don't know. How dare you? Murdering. Where are the others? They don't have water? No, they just don't show them drinking.

Their assholes are such a big part of the show, but they never tell you what, like, you look at their asses and you're like, what is that? It's a mess. There's two holes. They look like... There's like three strains of monkey

that look like they got injured on the 4th of July trying to make their friends laugh putting an M-80 in their asshole. It's a fucking mess. It's like a documentary about chimps. Yeah, it's about like a... Is it a reality show? It is a reality show.

Kind of interviews with the camera professionals. They start getting... They do. Yeah. They get sad sometimes. Second season, they have lip implants. Just get a little bit of money, they start fucking really chomping it up. The women once had like low ass tits.

She's like, don't mess with the ape. Yeah, they're all shaved. I can't breastfeed anymore. They're plastic now. Now they're housewives. Fucking LA monkeys. Fucking LA monkeys. Fucking.

Yeah, there's tons of stuff. They don't... Do they bury their dead? I don't know. I've seen them do like a little parade around a dead animal. But they don't talk about it in the show. They don't film it. They live a long time too.

They live... They're all like 40. Yeah. All these chimps are no joke. Yeah, dude. It's like... So if they live longer than someone who's

researching on them's career, no one will ever know. They'll never know. Or the gorilla will outlive anyone's interest in him. Dude, there was a grandma in the show, 65. Right.

Climbing trees, eating fruit. Jane Goodall? She's dead, right? Yeah, she is dead. Yeah. That'd be great if she was still alive.

Yeah. She was one of those other characters we learned about in high school. Somebody that's that intense and like. Do you remember that movie about her? Yeah. Who was it? What was it called?

Audrey Hepburn. No. Gorillas in the Mist. Breakfast at Tiffany's? Wait, what was the movie with that bitch and the gorillas? I forget. What was it called? I forget.

Oh, Mighty Joe Young. Oh, yeah. That's what it was called? Remember? Yeah. It was kind of like pseudo like romantic. Well, they stole her likeness, right? What? Yeah. They didn't say it was Jane Goodall. They just put a... Yeah.

I mean, it was a woman with short blonde hair having sex with a girl. Well, not that, you know, I mean... Well, I thought Mighty Joe Young was like a half King Kong. I don't know. Right? He was like kind of... Half-breed? Yeah, he wasn't quite King Kong, but he was like kind of half breed yeah he was like wasn't quite

King Kong but he was like big he was so he was like abnormally big he was massive he was mighty

some are saying yeah and the movie showed like people like wanting to get mighty mighty Joe

and Jane Goodall was like stop it leave him alone stop it he can feel you and he's scared was he a gorilla or was he a chimpanzee you know what's scared was he a gorilla

or was he a chimpanzee you know what I mean he was a gorilla right I think so she was a gorilla I don't remember this mighty Jillian I just remember being

obsessed with Jane young Jane was so eloquent Jane Goodall yeah and beautiful really she was just so peaceful

the way she spoke was the antithesis of every woman I've ever met in my life. Was this documented? It was like... She was pretty quiet. It was like listening to a book on tape from NPR.

Right. Meanwhile, she's like caressing wild animals that will bite your fucking nose off. Right. Yeah. Well, that's every man I know. Yeah. That's why they're great together. Jane with the...

That's why these women are starting to work out. You got to protect yourself. I know. Yeah. It's ravaging out there. It is ravaging. Men are strong. That's why these women are starting to work out. You got to protect yourself. I know. Yeah. It's ravaging out there. It is ravaging. Men are strong. It's very strong.

This is what I was thinking about the other day. You ever like fake tickle someone? You ever like tickle someone? You know, like you're a girlfriend or whatever and you're tickling

and then the guy's like, no, fuck that. And then he, and you realize how strong he is and you're like, I'll never push you to hit me because that would hurt.

Yeah. Like, you got to show him once. Even like the skinniest guy, i'll never push you to hit me because that would hurt yeah like you gotta show them even like the skinniest guy they'll fucking you know they tickle you are stronger than the strongest girl i know it's true but you know what i mean i had a week you guys are so strong i don't know i feel that i feel that now it's like running like what it feels like as a man it's or lifting something something. I got scared. I played in like a long night game and there was like a 25-year-old kid who like ran by me fast. And I was like, Jesus Christ, dude. Age picks up quick.

Free train. Yeah. Yeah, it does. You get quickly fucking reminded that you ain't shit. Yeah. It's just solid. At the cookout that we were hanging out with, him and his wife. It was like a jacked little young dude.

And I slapped him in the face a little bit. What? And then I slapped him in the face a second time. He's like, that's two. You got one more. You slapped someone in the face? Oh my God. As like a joke, right?

Yeah, it was like a, like a, like a fucking. Oh, yeah. You were playing around with him. Yeah, we had fucking 16 beers in two hours. Right, right. Who did you slap in the face? He's a very nice kid.

He's a great guy. He went into military mode. Yeah. Oh, my God. I was like, I respect you so much. Right. I like when people get fucking nuts like that. Me too, kind of.

I'm like, got it. And you can see him. Got it. Got it. Yeah. Yeah, hell yeah. We're cool, but I got it. Right.

But then I thought, what if? I know, that's the thing. Do you have anxiety about that the next day? No. No. No. Not at all. I don't really get anxiety about other people anymore. Oh, I...

Oh my God, I'm okay. I was playing Kittles in beer pong and I sunk the last cup and won and Shane was like, the kiss! And I was like, kiss of death. And dude, I spent the whole next morning

just being like, kiss of death. And dude, I spent the whole next morning just being like, kiss of death? Oh my God. You fucking loser. You want mushrooms? You beat Kittles in beer pong, you dickhead. You got the kiss. The kiss of death. Kiss of death is sick.

When did the mushrooms get kicked around and you didn't fucking ask me? Some kid gave them to me right as we were leaving. And how many did you take? I have no idea. I have no idea. He just gave me chunks of stuff, and I was flying on the bus. That was another thing I had anxiety about.

Soder was just chilling, and I was dancing. Yeah, but he was probably like, oh, I'm boring. Everyone's thinking about themselves. It's true. Everyone's like, oh, I look ugly. Well, Soda and I got to... Everyone's thinking about themselves. It's true. Everyone's like, oh, I look ugly. Yeah, dude, especially that late. We was like fucking... Oh, yeah.

It's a six-hour, eight-hour party. Yeah. You show up at three. I got to like 6 p.m., 7 p.m., and I was like, this is going to be another four hours easy. Yeah. So then Soda and I were just like perched against the wall being like... Buckle the fuck in. When are we leaving?

Yeah. Because you got to wait. And then you have two more rounds of beer pong. Then I get like six more fucking Red Bull Vodka's. Yeah, dude. Well, that was an aggressive move. Two movies. It is.

Yeah. It's two movies. I don't like lost time. Tommy was drinking. Not lost time, but like shit. What? Buckle in. Because this is it for the next while. Yes. Because I live my life hour by hour. lost time. Tommy was drinking. Not lost time, but like, shit, buckle in. What do you mean?

Because this is it for the next while. Yes. Because I live my life hour by hour. What does that mean? Dude, I wake up and I say,

what's going on tonight? I like this. Oh, I have something at noon. Yeah, yikes. And I don't think about the tomorrow. Oh my God. Is that bad?

No. No, I'm the same way. It's our whole life. I'm the same way. You're in whole life. I'm the same way. You're in this industry for a reason. Yeah, but aren't you supposed to be like, oh, I have a flight to book in four days, right? No. Very last minute, I feel like.

No. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Everything is fly by the seat of the pants. Yeah, me too. Yeah, I can't. I don't even know someone that isn't. I'm sure they exist in this industry, but I probably don't respect them.

Right. The feeling of scheduling something fills me with dread. Me too. Because I know something else is going to come up

when that thing is there and I can't do it. And then when people are like, someone messaged me and was like, I have a show on August 18th.

I'm like, someone messaged me to do a show on August 18th. I was like, I don't me to do a show on August 18th. I was like, I don't know. I come back in August. You're literally ruining my summer by planning it that far ahead. That's why I can never end up planning anything for the summer.

Because I'm like, August is so far away. And I don't know what my summer looks like. And then my summer looks like me doing that every day. And then it's winter. People that act like barbecues are fucking save the date for a marriage. It's like, shut the fuck up and text me day of. That's text me day of. I know you need to know how much communist tomatoes you need to cook off.

But it's like, dude, just give me a text a couple days before. Two days. Two days is good. Two days, two days, two days. But that's why I'm panicking about July 4th because I don't have any plans. I don't either. I'm hoping I have day of motherfuckers in my life.

Isn't that great? There will be. There'll be something. There'll be something, right? There's a freedom there. I think so. True. That's the thing.

There's a beautiful freedom. There is something awesome. You get to a certain age. This is true. Trust me. When you get to like 35, 40, you start going, congrats on the kid not going to the party

right congrats on the marriage not going to the wedding congrats on the picnic I'm sure it's going to be a good time not going you start

just like you said less anxiety about other people yeah you start you have to be selfish when you get to a certain point going

I only have I'm halfway through my life i'm halfway through my life i'm halfway i'm tired of pretending as a man i'm enjoying myself in an environment yes that i don't fucking care for yeah so you try to get rid of any environment that you don't care for yeah i like a good world drinks that's why dads don't have fucking six friends i know if your dad has 15 friends he sucks he's gay oh they're up to something they're up to something they're up to something that's the TV friendly version

of gay guy bleeped out he sucks yeah he sucks you're watching like scary movie on TNT yeah oh my god totally

each year I get older I'm like goodbye to any toxicity or boringness or just like, I don't even fucking know you. So why would I take time? You know, I hate when people are like, I'm in the city would love to see you.

I'm like, you think I'm gonna see your ass bitch? Yeah, that's tough. Or you go to a city would love to see. I'm like, I get offended. I'm like,

I have 48 hours here. You think I'm going to fucking hang out with your ass? I haven't seen you in 10 years. Wait, I sound so rude. I'm going to get canceled. Bring it on. And get the press. You don't drink? I do drink. You smoke weed? Yeah. Are you high right now?

Yeah, why? Do I sound insane? No. He's checking on you. That's the worst thing to say to someone. Holy shit, do I sound insane right now? No. Do I sound insane? No. Okay. No, I, I.

One out of three is not bad. The amount of times that I get hit. You are four because I don't think I'm four. You are four. Yeah.

I'm a four, that's what I meant. Okay, wait, am I being insane? No, I'm kidding. Okay, I smoked when you were down here. You said you don't drink

so I was wondering if you do other stuff. I smoke weed, yes. I smoke weed, I love it. It feels you don't drink, so I was wondering if you do other stuff. I smoke weed, yes. I smoke weed. I love it. It feels so good. I have to get into weed. Oh, my God.

You smoke weed, right? I can't. Okay. I want to. I love the smell. This is a running thing. The weed smell and, like, morning coffee smell are, like, some of my favorites. Right.

It's that, like, fire, gasoline. You know what I mean? I love the smell of gasoline. Yeah, yeah. Dude. Pussy, gasoline. You know what I mean? Those are all... Pussy, obviously. Well, it depends. Yes, it does. Depends if she's wearing depends. You know what I mean?

I'll take it. Some other stuff leaks in there. I'll take an old pussy instead of some stank puss. You never forget stank puss. That puts a... Tony Baker used to say this about smelling breath, like bad breath. My memory sucks.

But he's like, if I smell your breath, I remember the temperature. Is that the guy with bad breath? What you're wearing? That's how I am with... Well, that's why I purposefully have bad breath, so people remember me. Oh, that's a great move. Why do you guys think I'm doing so well like that's the one with the red hair yeah she's really got something

no dude you can't i agree with that though you can't oh you can't on a bad no you're fucked it's over yeah bad post bad breath i can never unassociate you yeah with i know hell i know literal fucking hell it sucks i was thinking about that with the chimps too. You could just have a bad day and not know. With breath? No. Oh, yeah.

Sure. I don't know. Well, can't you test? Yeah, you should if it's feeling weird. Let's say you have a guy coming over and you know he's coming over.

You don't do a little swipeskies? Oh, I am clean. I'm taken. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. So how does it happen? Not to brag. Hey, you guys.

How does it happen? My dad's watching. He's like, looked up Stuff Island. Had to stop halfway through. I'm clean. I'm taken care of down there. Trust me. Anyway, but if there's something, I will go immediately.

Yes. Because everything down there is pretty diagnosable. Yes. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Also, cancel. Just cancel.

Just take a pill and cancel. Cancel the fucking date. Because I ain't going to sit there and watch a movie with you. Yes. I'll tell you that much. Yeah, there's no payoff. Hell no. What's going on in there?

What? Are you in there? What? So you're drinking? I don't know. Okay, so here's the tea, you guys. Is she trying to break a record? You're spilling the tea? Wait, okay. So I will confess.

So I haven't drank until this Wednesday. That's crazy. For four weeks. Whatever, whatever. We're chilling, we're chilling. It's Fourth of July week. America. There's a freedom. We weeks. Whatever, whatever. We're chilling, we're chilling. It's Fourth of July week. America. There's a freedom. We gotta get a fucking We gotta get a curtain and

everybody has to just act like we're doing something. It's insane. Everyone's chilling. It's gotta be like a confessional. It's cool. This is happening here. Over here I'm too, I got whiskers. Like a cat. We are on set. I will let it be known I can't pay attention

I think it's cool it like gives some ambiance to the room yeah I feel like we're on like love is blind or something well

you want the margarita here comedy is dead I'll take one thank you so much who wants the margarita okay that looks good is this your first drink in a while um okay so this is the tea with my drinking it was actually we were all at patty's like over three and a half weeks ago i blacked

out yeah and and it would be like my 20th blackout in like less than a month and a half yeah i was b owing out there yeah i went to austral Australia with Burt Kreischer. Who's that? He's new, and he started in Chicago, and now he's blowing up. Yeah. They said he's going to get SNL. He works with monkeys? That would be huge. Yeah, he's related to Mighty Joe.

Right. So, yeah, you got shit-faced in Australia. Mighty Joe Young of comedy. So, we got fuckers. He drinks so much. Yeah. You know, when I drink around guys, I'm like, yeah, I'll fucking. You got to.

You got to. No, you can't do it. You can't match the energy. No, but then also, if people are binge drinking around me, I can't not. I know. Participate. I can't not. This is what Chris does.

Even if I go at half your pace, I black out. Yeah. And it's not even to blame the environment. One sip of this, halfway through, I'm like, where's the next one? Yeah. Where's the next one? Yeah. Where's the next one? Sh the next one where's the next one

shots beer boom and once I got in that rhythm when I was in Australia with Bert because every night was binge drink night

respectfully and I was in on that well he only drinks beer really yeah pretty much beer some shots when we get later in the night stuff like that

fun drinks and cocktails wine actually he drinks everything I just listed every drink but it's got a day full of like events and shit you're like doing things yeah we're doing things like that. Fun drinks and cocktails. Wine. Actually, he drinks everything. I just listed every drink. But it's got a day full of events and shit. You're like doing things. Yeah, we're doing things.

That's the easiest way to just... And Bert's more of a... He drinks during the day. I drink at night, like after spots. So my blackouts were on lockdown before. But once we started drinking during the day, I'm disappearing. Did you fuck up on stage at all? No, no, no. Wasn't drinking before the shows.'m disappearing did you uh do you fuck up on stage at all no no

no wasn't drinking before the shows so we would black out after and then we would have a day with no shows oh okay so you're drinking during the day on no show days you do a fly you fly one day you're drinking in the airport lounge you land we drink in the hotel yeah see i'm going to shane we're i'm doing shows with him in vegas this week this weekend and i'm already he's very good about that yeah whereas like i go an extra hour early to the delta lounge i don't care if my flight in Vegas this week, this weekend, and I'm already, he's very good about that. Yeah. Whereas like, I go an extra hour early to the Delta Lounge.

I don't care if my flight's at six. Right. Or a.m. or p.m. Yeah, yeah. I'm putting my Delta Lounge time in. Okay, nice.

And I'll just change my drink depending on where the sun is sitting in the fucking sky. But like, when Shane doesn't give a shit about it, I start getting anxiety and I like to have a few

Bloody Marys. That's okay. Yeah. And they have good Bloody Marys at the Delta Sky Lounge. The mix is dynam it. I start getting anxiety. I like to have a few Bloody Marys. That's okay. They have good Bloody Marys at the Delta Sky Lounge. They do. The mix is dynamite. I know. Never understood the lime

in a Bloody Mary. It fires me the fuck up. I can eat a couple of them. What? A lime in a Bloody Mary. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's already enough acid. I like a little squeeze.

If I taste it and it's too tomato-y, I'll squeeze the lime in. It's already acidic, though. I think the lime's optional. It's very rare that I enjoy a bloody mary i love a bloody mary i love a michelada oh michelada yeah michelada or michelada michelada i think it's a michelada sorry i'm onto a lingo oh yeah yeah you're learning spanish day 45 streak today damn yeah what have you learned oh i've Cut my lawn?

I've learned. Well, you know. Sorry, dude. When you're on, they're telling me how to say, yo quiero una plata de erosifritos. I want a plate of rice and beans. Oh, okay. Okay. I was getting there. I was getting there.

Yo como una ensalada. Do you have? Con pollo. Salad? Chicken salad? Como? I want to eat a salad with chicken. Ah.

Yeah. So basic stuff. Yeah. But you can't really say like put it anywhere but the ass. You know what I mean? Like stuff I need to be saying. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a very situationist. Or blackout ass play. Yeah. Do you have STD tests? Yeah. I like the idea that you go to Mexico and you're just trying to order a salad with chicken

so you have something to say. Oh, I love my mother who is tall. Don't they sick me? Yeah, yeah. En mi gato, mi pussy. Christopher, I don't know if you saw my story, my friend, but Christmas came fucking early last night. Yeah, yeah.

I picked up the package. I brought in the mail, dude. Oh, you did? That's the first time you ever brought a mail. No, I've always bring in the mail. You bring the boxes in. What? I bring in the mail.

Fuck, we're sponsored by Hexclad this episode. This is the big one. When I tell you this is the first one, I've actually legitimately been so excited to talk about. That's not true. That's not true. That's not true. But more excited because obviously culinarily that's my spirit animal.

It's on a whole new trajectory. Tommy's been bitching about the pans. True. Well, I just upgraded. They gave me a 13-piece set with lids. Look at these fucking, look how gorgeous this stuff is. These are my three favorites because this is a perfect size pot that I didn't have. And I got lids for every size, dude.

It never happens. It never happens. I used to swap lids for like, I don't know, three or four pans. And then there's like, you got to like hold it on the one side because it's too big. I never had a four 10 inch pan. I got five sauce pans. Look at this wok. Dude.

Yeah, I know. Come on. It looks sick. Dude, I threw out four pans last night my buddy Steve my old roommate was like can you please

take them out of the trash I need to upgrade yeah so this is me upgrading from serious shit you gave him trash pans yeah so that's

that's the point here guys if you wanna if you wanna go right to the top and stop getting some trash pans and fucking OXO no actually OXO is pretty decent

but uh yeah thank you Hexclad this I got a six piece six piece knife set yeah with a sharpener so I threw out

a couple blades yeah also took back out of the trash I was a little excited you know you like just getting rid of stuff

I do I do I was worried you threw out some important things no so what it is I got I used it this morning

cooking omelet fuck it was amazing dude yeah it was amazing cooking omelet. Fuck. It was amazing, dude. Yeah. It was amazing. So it's a hybrid technology that combines nonstick technology with steel and cast iron. Yeah. So you can cook anything from steaks to burgers to fucking eggs to sauces, soups.

I got it all now, dude. I just told you I have every single piece of equipment I could ever have asked for. Our kitchen nightmare is over. Speaking of Gordon Ramsay, that motherfucker. Gordon Ramsay is the biggest, toughest critic there is.

Yeah. And apparently he's using his pans at home. I'd like to stop by and see if Gordo, if you want to give me a shout out. And he also uses them

in his Michelin star chefs kitchens. Yeah. So that's crazy. Yeah, I mean... Dude, you paying Gordon to talk? He means it. Dude, let me see one of these guys.

A pot? Yeah. It just looks cool. It's gorgeous, dude. Look at that. It's gorgeous. Anyway, gentlemen, if you're looking to actually cook, I know we do some sponsors on here for ready, available meals,

but if you're one of the type to cook, ladies, I guess, too, the price point on this stuff is incredible. 10% off. Hold on. Before the 10% off, lifetime warranty. So realistically, this might be the last set of pans you get. There's a six-piece pan set. If you don't want to go gung-ho and get 13,

if you don't cook that much, the six-piece will have a little bit of everything that you probably need. Yeah, if someone uses a fork to make eggs in the pan, you can fucking send it back. Yeah, this is non-toxic ingredients, too, at the nonstick. It also has some diamond dust in it,

some shit to make it tougher. Dude, I don't know. It looks cool. Isn't the hexagon the honeycomb design? Yeah, it's crazy. It's for the heat induction. Heat induction. For a limited time only, listeners get 10%

off their entire order with the code STUFFILAND all one word, all caps at hexclad.com. Support our show and check them out at hexaclad. Wait. Hexclad. Hexclad.com. Support our show and check them out at hex... Clad. Hex-a-clad. Wait. Hexclad.

Hexclad. I'm going to read the... They spaced it out weird. Hexclad.com. That's H-E-X-C-L-A-D dot com. And use the code Stuff Island. S-T-U-F-F-I-S-L-A-N-D. Ten percent.

Guys, if you're in the market for pans, just get the He hexclads. Make us look good. Bon appetit. Bon appetit. Bon appetit, motherfuckers. Yeah, come on. Look at the wooden handle, dude.

It's green. Look how beautiful that is. Damascus steel, by the way. You know what Damascus is? You've been watching Forged in Iron? Yeah, I thought Damascus was... Yeah, yeah. You see the lines? It's layers and layers of steel,

which are strengthening it. Fold it. They keep folding it. And they keep folding it together. And you get that beautiful... Fold it. Yeah. Ah.

Just look at the board in the kitchen now. Dude, it can kill. It can kill. It will kill. Dude, I'm pretty actually pumped about it. This is a good week for ad reads oh yeah also we're gonna have a look at this hex glad sponsored we're shooting this week yeah yeah real quick don't say it we know the date i'll wait uh we've been working our dicks off so that you guys got a lot yeah yeah we got i know it's been

a pain in the ass but it's coming um we're upgrading it's like when uh a franchise has to open a new one sorry for the convenience we're also finally getting the products for these ad reads it's changing my life bird dogs baby bird dogs yeah i don't know if you put them on yet i did i put Holy smokes. The blue ones. The blue ones with the white trim in the back. Nice gym short. Yeah. They're not just.

They're so comfortable. Yeah. I thought they were for just like Southern. You know, everyone in the South dresses the same. You watch like an Alabama game. All these kids wear the same shit. Yeah, they have the same exact haircut. I thought it was kind of like that because the first time around, I was like, this won't last.

Yeah. That's a nice fucking short. Dude, and I've been, I was wearing them. I's a nice fucking short. Dude, and I was wearing them. I was walking all around the city in the heat during the heat wave. Breathable? No swamp ass. Perfect. Yeah, monkey butt protection. Good pocket design.

They got, for your horse ass too, it was like perfectly round. Yeah, dude. They covered my ass. Because they stretch. Yes. And good pockets, dude. Good pockets. Good pockets are they stretch. Yes. And good pockets, dude. Good pockets. Good pockets are everything. It is.

I know it's like, I think it might actually be part of their, like... Design? Yeah. Pockets? It might be one of their talking points. I don't even know, but it's just like... You think pockets are new on pants?

Dude. Really? Shorts, short pockets are bad. Yeah, they are. They are universally terrible. There's a lot of people that make jeans, too pockets are bad. Yeah, they are. They are universally terrible. There's a lot of people that make jeans, too, where it's like, who are you making these pockets for? Yeah, it's like a gap jean.

Yeah. Tiny-ass pockets. All it holds is like... Did you ever get jeans and put a phone in the pocket and the phone sticks out? You're like, what? Birddogs.com slash stuff, okay? You get a free...

Dude, this is also the thing. If you get a free Yeti... Yeti, that's what it's called. What do I call it? A tumbler? Well, it is a tumbler. They call it a tumbler, but I think a tumbler is actually

what you make mixed drinks with. But it's a coffee mug, Yeti coffee mug. These things are awesome. You know, I drink... You drink cum? What? Drink cum?

No, I didn't say that. I said, you know what? I meant to say beat. You drink cum? What? Drink cum? No, I didn't say that. I said, you know what? I meant to say that. When I drink cum, it's usually out of a bird dog tumbler. Keeps it insulated and warm. Keeps the sperm active. It doesn't kill it. Because the air is not being released.

If you want a full tumbler cum, go to birddog.com. You want to drink your cum out of a tumbler? Go to birddogs.com slash stuff. I was saying I drink cum. Yeah. Go to birddog.com. You want to drink your cum out of a Tumblr? Go to birddogs.com slash stuff. Or promo code stuff. Yeah. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Yeah.

You won't want to take these bird dogs off. I don't want to take them off. They're in the wash now. I got to get them washed up. Well, we got four pairs. Yeah. You didn't take my mediums, did you? No.

They're all mediums. Oh, they are? Yeah. You're squeezing in the medium. Yeah. That's the testament. Yeah. That's No. They're all mediums. Oh, they are? Yeah. You're squeezing in the medium. Yeah. That's the testament. Yeah. That's wild.

If you can believe it. That's great. Does it have the liner on all the pairs? Yeah. Except for the, they give us pants. The pants I can't fit into. My ass is too big. Yes.

That I need a large. Yes, sir. Yeah, yeah. Yes, sir. They're not as stretchy. I'm going to run in the rain tomorrow. Try out these bird dogs. Oh, we were supposed to wear these on camera, but I mean,

dude, trust me, they're good. We'll do it next time. I would not, yeah. Actually, you can go grab them. They're so good. Boom. That's a classic short, dude. I also like how the white doesn't go all the way around. Yeah.

This is nice for the beach, too. You could rock that. It's a waterproof water repellent, at least, right? Yeah, it is. It's like a bathing suit. Dude, this is also the key when you're sweating your goddamn ass off. You don't need underwear in these pigs, right? No, no. And it's cozy underwear.

That's how they came up with the name. A guy your size was in a pair of medium pants. Bird dog. Nice bird dog. Bird dogging. You can see that outside of your gorgeous hammer. Dude, get a free Yeti. Get a free Yeti.

Birddogs.com slash stuff. The shorts are actually amazing. I can't wait to use this shit. So, I wish, yeah. I feel like this has been too positive an ad read. They're not going to believe it. I know. Hold on.

You guys like our ad reads because we're real about shit, and I'm real. I'm to the moon. This is genuinely... Excitement. You got what you love. It's like Christmas where your parents got it right. You know what I mean?

I got the fucking green scooter. My brother, that never won it. I know. He's not going to fucking touch it and ruin it with his fat fat ankles dude we're yeah we're just gonna be cooking in shorts all summer long yeah see you soon so uh so anyway so when i got back from australia every time i drink i just kept blacking out well and then i woke up from that paddy's night after multiple multiple we got hammered on Memorial Day weekend, all sorts. I went to Wild N' Out, was getting hammered there at night.

But that's also so fun. Every night we have like a cookout. Yeah, I'm getting hammered. Is it because it's all black? Yeah. Yeah. So fun. It's awesome.

They're so nice. That's great. Like, you're the fucking best. Yeah, there's always a pale white person. Yeah. Because they're making fun of you, right? Yeah, totally. Yeah, you're the joke. Like, I'll do something you, right? Yeah, totally. You're the joke.

Like, I'll do something like, funny, you're stupid. I'm like, oh my God, I was just giving you my social security number. But yeah, they very, but I have some pretty good friends at Wild N' Out now because I've been there for so long. So it's less white girl and more like just friends. What's his face? You should do it. Matt Rife.

Is that what you were going to say? No. I was never on with him. Jacob Williams. Nick Cannon. No. Jacob. Jacob Williams.

Yes. Jacob Williams. He was in this too. I know. And Jacob Williams was the white awkward guy before me on Wild N' Out. He's so awkward. He'll be like, I am so honored to talk to a girl because I've never had sex with one before

that's literally how he talks that's literally how he talks murders yeah and then guys like him will say like really crazy edgy jokes and it murders

because it's like Jacob being like and you had a train run on you last night yeah obviously that's hilarious the juxtaposition you can't just say that

as a regular guy yeah I guess you could but I don't say stuff like that if he taught that air conditioner how to speak the language, that's his personality. Yeah, he's catchy. And for that reason,

it's very, very funny. Yeah, it's super funny. He's also brilliant. He's a very smart guy. He does good stand-up jokes. Yeah, I've never heard of this guy. I have no idea what he looks like. Tall? Short? Regular. Maybe Tommy's height. 5'10 and a half? Yeah.

In the boots, six feet. Okay. Close. Yeah. 5'11 and a half? We tried to get Chris these raised platform shoes. They weren't comfortable enough for him. I can't say that.

How high was the platform? They were comfortable. Kizuri's very comfortable. If you guys want to give us another ad read. They were sponsors for the show. If you just shamed, you just shit on your sponsor. I just shit and shit on the sponsor. I'm not very good. We got notes for our sponsors.

Yeah, they were upset with us. Dude. Why? Can I read them? Are we allowed to talk about this? Tommy, yeah. Is this an HR issue with the spawn? And who are the sponsors?

Dude, it's so fucking funny. We got grades for our ads, and I don't think we got above a C-. Grades? Dude, it's so funny funny. We got grades for our ads, and I don't think we got above a C-. Grades? Dude, it's so funny. What is this, Hogwarts? I didn't even know we were being graded. I just thought we were doing a pretty good job.

If you watch, a lot of our ad reads are like day... Well, I watch the podcast every week. Day of, shut up. Day of, and Chris will just come out hungover and we gotta get it done because we only have an hour to send it to the producers. Right. And then Chris will just flip open the laptop. This is these are the notes.

Well, dude, some of these ad reads are fucking so long. What, do you want me to memorize it? Dude, it's crazy how long they are. I'm not, I'm like, I'm sorry. They're long. I get it, I get it. It's like a senior rehearsal for a theater kid. You need a teleprompter for the amount of shit they give us.

Right, right. But it's just like a, they're trying to gauge. You just have to like pick a couple bullet points. Oh, totally. And Chris doesn't realize that they're giving you like certain areas to speak on. It's a little outline. Oh, I realize it. But I'm not fucking ad-libbing.

I'm not memorizing your shit. You tell me what you want to say, I'll tell my audience. You are scaring the plan. It is very scary. Everyone in here is... I'm getting really nervous. And we do fuck around and we have fun and then they get upset about it. Rambled on too long.

Now I feel like you guys have paintings in here because you punch holes in walls. No, I don't. I don't. I don't. It's my natural personality. I don't. I don't. I don't. It's my natural personality. I don't break anything. That's good, though. It's like a depth charge.

It's deep down in there. I understand. You'll know which ones are... Well, hopefully it doesn't come out later. No. No. You'll know which ones are mine

and which ones are Chris'. Okay. Rambled a lot. One of the host pups a vape in the middle, almost like a mock ad for that, but then that's a specify. He has a disability. He's addicted to vape. It's his inhaler.

It's not a vape. That feels like a bit of a judgment call on their part. Read the copy like a script and looking down at his laptop. What did you say, sorry? Missed. They read for better help instead. Reads the copy looking down at his laptop. God, what'd you say? Sorry. Missed. They read for better help instead. Whoopsies. Reads a copy looking down

on his laptop with no enthusiasm. When one of the hosts mentions surf and turf, the other talks, the other talks literally says, ew, and they go on a tangent

about ordering surf and turf. This is the best part. Tommy burped into the mic, referred to their surf and surf as diarrhea central. So, yeah, they're very upset. You guys, that's hilarious. It's very funny. You need to post that. We did.

It's very funny. Yeah, I mean. No, you put it on the story. I think it should be permanent. That's hilarious. The interactions with our fans, with the ad reads, we're making the ad reads

into a comedy podcast. I know, totally. It's perfect integration. Them writing that email is crazy. I know. Someone had... I guess... I bet they...

They spelled diarrhea and the red line formed under it because they spelled it wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they had to correct it. Yeah, and it's like, oh, I always forget there's another R. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they had to correct it. Yeah, and it's like, oh, I always forget there's another R.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know there's an H in there somewhere. They had to type out the word vape in an email. Yeah. Oh, what is happening to society?

It's crumbling. No, there was like three pages of fucking notes and it's like, we're just having fun. We're going to get your promo codes out. We do. they're asking us

for personal reactions and experiences on certain products and we just don't have the product also we didn't say the whole product

the product is good no so then what are we talking about what am I gonna do and it's shoes you said no we got the shoes

the shoes we got what is this product are we allowed to say Kinsori Kinsori what is that I can't talk about they're not paying us on this one we got the shoes no you product? Are we allowed to say? Kinsori? Kinsori? What is that? I can't talk about it. They're not paying us on this one.

We got the shoes. No, you can talk about it. I know. I'm kidding. Oh, wait. I'm freaking out. Kinsori? What is Kinsori?

That's how I feel a lot. Go ahead, Chris. Tell her what Kinsori is. Oh, they're shoes with fucking lifts in them. Like they've got like a wedge in the heel. Oh, okay. 2.8 inches. So it disguises it, yeah.

So you can look like Robert De Niro. But that one we made fun of, and the reviews were great. They loved it. Right. And the ad people were like, it's great. Yeah, it's brand by brand. So I thought that was an A. If that's an A, fucking Diarrhea Central's at least a B.

Yeah. I know, seriously. Dude, surf and surf. You're getting fish with a side of fish? Right. Kill yourself. Right. Honestly, kill yourself.

Because your asshole is going to look like one of those monkeys, dude. Blow out. A fucking backwards donut. Dude. Is it a gibbon that has a purple shell?

And we're not saying the whole product's bad. We're just saying that surf and surf is not something that we would order. Hell no. Surf and turf?

Yes. Surf and turf? Dude, that we would order. Hell no. Surf and turf? Yes. Surf and turf? Dude, you're delivering two pieces of fish that can be cooked in two minutes in a microwave. Right. To your door. No thanks. You better cancel all of your fucking appointments for two and a half days. No, I wouldn't get diarrhea from that.

You're going to have to take a shower. My hate breaks it down. It comes out a solid package on the other end. god poop you're disgusting do you ever take a shit and it cures a hangover yeah yeah yeah or it gets you closer like all of the booze must have been in there oh my god oh my god yeah it's like steaming like i've had steaming it's just like, it's like a hot toddy in there. You're like, well, there it is. For me, it's more vomiting. Where I'm like, we're good.

So I've never thrown up. Where are we going for brunch? Oh, wait. So the last time when we were at Patty's, I threw up while we were at Patty's. And I got into a blackout. This is so embarrassing. This was like my mouth hurt from throwing up. I had the top of my mouth hurt from throwing up I had the top of my mouth

hurt from throwing up isn't that that's when you're like I need to take a break it hurt to eat soup the next day imagine how stupid you are

eating broth in your kitchen and going ahhh ahhh it's so bad you're like I need to take a break

I'm not supposed to be accidentally blacking out yeah throwing up in patties too walking out into a Christmas theme park oh yeah It's so bad. You're like, I need to take a break. I'm not supposed to be accidentally blacking out. Yeah, throwing up in paddies, too. Walking out into a Christmas theme park. Oh, yeah. Matty, your tab. I don't give a fuck.

I already canceled the card. Yeah. And I'm changing my name. Dude, Irish, classic Irish pubs are the worst. I know. I fucking hate it. It's fucked up. Donnelly loves that place Because he probably feels like It's his womb

Andy Fiore Andy loves it Yeah womb guys But like All their taps All their beers are sour Yeah Because they don't clean their taps

I know They have four beers They got a Guinness They got a fucking Bud Light They got a Harp They have all the shittiest

You could just Walk into a bar Look at the taps And go This place sucks. You'll know who the clientele is. The people are trying to stop their shakes at 7am, and they leave at

4, bumping into the fucking cars and the walls. Those places, you have to get a Guinness, a Bud Light, Miller Lite, because those are the only lines that are fresh. They're fucking... I got a Blue Moon there once. It literally tasted like flat, great orange soda. Yeah.

And it was awesome! Yeah, Goose Island. After the first one, they start going down pretty easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, right? I don't know, I like to play pool there and just run around like a fucking idiot. Yeah. It's fun because it's like the only place

where the bartenders know me. Except for my knees. You could be a mascot of Patty's. I know. All of you. I could stand up. Everybody just said, welcome in, welcome in.

Yeah, yeah. Beers are $2 tonight. They probably stop at every table you walk by. Like, can we have more napkins? We need more napkins. And this table wants a bag of chips that would be a fun

thing to do and you just like I don't know yeah if you were like a little leprechaun in there stealing people's beers and they'd be like

ah she got me Maddie Patty's Maddie that's a good one you gotta drink the beer so fast so they don't get stolen from you

we gotta get you when we go to Dublin we gotta get you dressed up like a leprechaun for the Notre Dame game that sounds humiliating. That would be so fucking funny. I'm ready, baby.

That would be so funny. Yeah. Shane's getting recognized in the parking lot. For what, watching the game? Oh, yeah, yeah. I got a whole outfit planned. You're going to Dublin and you're going to watch the game? Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. You should wear a whole ass outfit. Yeah. You should dress like Buddy the Elf. Although every Irish dude in there is going to be doing that. Dressed like you? No, just dressed like a leprechaun.

Yeah, well, I mean, they do it by accident. I know. It's not perfect. No, but it's going to be Americans. Have you met Colm Terrell? It's going to be Americans over there. He's the most normal dressing guy. You mean like a mascot.

Trying to dress up and have fun. Yeah, they're going to be dressed like a mascot. That's disrespectful, right? I don't think so. To somebody from the earth? Right. What? From the...

Just from earth? No. From the earth of Ireland. Right. Like, if the Redskins is offensive, isn't that... Hell, basically.

Hell. Isn't that mascot offensive to the O'Connors? I don't think Redskin is offensive. I know. I was bringing a what if.

Yeah. You guys are Red was bringing a what if. You guys are red skin? Yeah. Stop. It was a long walk to get here. Okay? I'm really sensitive about my rosacea. It's hot out there, dude.

It's hot out there. I actually get really stressed during the summer because I'm so pale. Yeah. It's not fun. Yeah. You got to just lather up all the time. Do you wear like long sleeve turtlenecks on the beach? I don't like those. I do. I put them on. You wear those? Oh yeah.

Chris wears long sleeves. And look at your arm skin. It's so like it's not aged at all because you protect your arms. I do. I have a lot of freckles on my arms. Yeah. I don't really get freckles. My mom got freckles. Really? I never got freckles. She earned freckles. Oh yeah. You don't really get freckles. My mom got freckles. Really? I never got freckles.

She earned freckles. Oh, yeah. You don't just get freckles. You gotta fucking earn it, dude. You have as many freckles as guys you've blown. Whoa. Your mom had a lot of freckles.

You're just blowing everyone in broad daylight. Getting a lot of sun. I was just trying to call your mom a whore. Yeah. She's not the only one young, dumb, and full of gum. I got a bunch myself. A bunch of freckles?

Yeah. Sunspots. Sun damage. They're not freckles. Well, what do you mean on your arms? Well, some of you mix come out of the womb with freckles well what do you mean on your arms well some of you mix come out of the womb with freckles don't you birthmarks is that what you call them

birthmarks yeah sun freckles are just sun damage and they just they brown up all of my arm freckles came in when I was like

by the time I was four you're blowing that many eyes yeah just as soon as you come out of the room doc Give me a bird so much for life. No teeth so it's easier Go Right

Go what is gum? Yeah, like a lady pulls out her fucking teeth gives you a gum fucking no, dude No, they're out there Yeah, like you have I have not but I'm in the market There's a couple BYOP strip club. I have a gummer Girls have been doing fucking meth and shit trying to pursue more drugs I don't know if you like they have to work at a strip joint. They can pop them out put them in a little case on the end table. They look like they would have dry mouths.

Yeah, it does. I don't think they're hydrated. Dude, you want to talk about bad breath face. Yeah, seriously. Bitter beer face. Remember those Keystone commercials? So good. Just the old dude with the caved in mouth. Dude, however good gums feel, the visual of someone taking out their teeth

and blowing you is so horrific. I'm good. That's awesome. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's awesome. No, no. I use teeth when I blow guys. Yeah.

Yeah. They all love it. See, I've had that where it's like... Just bite. You know, like a little nibble on the head. I'm like a dog. He's like, Maddie, give me the balls. Give it back.

Drop it. Drop it. Drop it. And it's broken in half. I've had bruises. I got him that toy two days ago. Yeah. I've gotten bruised before.

A bruise? Yeah. Like a leopard print. Really? Yeah. A girl went so hard, it just like bruised before Yes A bruise? Yeah Like a leopard print Really? Yeah A girl went so hard It just like Bruised me

And I acted like Yeah Oh Yeah Really? You played it cool You played it cool What?

Because there was I thought it was I thought it was going to change No it's good It was going to Right I thought it was going to like You know

Let's move into like That's when you go like Let's just Yeah Oh I did I can't. Oh, I did. I can't resist you anymore. I did. But then the next day I got in the shower and I fucking yelped.

Oh, right. You yelped when you said... I thought it was you getting the blowjob. Yeah. Ah! Blast! No, it was just her pussy. It was like that sand creature in Star Wars.

Oh, my God. Chewing up the base of my bird. I've never gotten a bruise before. Yeah, I know. It was scary. How much? It's like a hinky. Black and blue type? Yeah. Like little circles here and there. Was she going too hard?

Yeah, she was just... Did she have canines? Like big canines? That's crazy. You can go pretty hard. It's like when you think you're hitting a punching bag really hard and it does not move at all. Yeah. So that's crazy that she left like a mark.

I know. I'm impressed. It's the worst. Yeah, that had to be. She must have a teeny tiny mouth. Or really big teeth. Or massive teeth. No, it was a suction that was just way out of whack.

It's like fucking a Dyson. Yeah, well. Sticking your bird in a vacuum cleaner. It's like, wah. It's like fucking a Dyson. A Dyson, yeah. Well, you actually probably had a Dyson. It's like there should be a lower setting. No. And you should know that. Unless it's the first bird you ever suck because you're in like play. Right, right.

Like, you know what I mean? Like play women. Yeah. Women that do play in theater. They're fucking, they're autistic and they don't know how to behave in society, but they're like all sexed up because they only hang out with their own kind. Oh yeah,ed up because oh yeah i was gonna say theater people

are nuts okay well i should let it be known i did theater in hayes yeah i know yeah i know that's why it took so long for me to get on the pod they're like all right i've seen her around men she's fine okay no but theater people are weird they're fucking nuts they're the horniest they're all horned up and they all live in Queens. Did you notice that? You see that? I know.

What? You see what she just did? I tell you. Yeah, she sings. She sing talks. That scene? Yeah, and I dated a guy who did not like that. You mean he had a fucking mind

and ears? Yeah. I usually like them to be, you know. Deaf. Stupid. Little, little Ken dolls.

I don't know what I was going to say. A little Ken doll, a twink? Yeah. You know, Ken. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Well, dude. Wait, what was I going to say? I have another theory on this. The theater kids then get into gym so hard and they become CrossFit people.

Oh, yeah, they do. Yeah, they do. They get, or they train or they become trainers or they do coaches at classes they do. Or they train or they become trainers or they do coaches at classes like Orange Theory or they work at Equinox. Thank you.

I met so many theater people who work at gyms and Orange Theory. Do you know why? Here's the other part of this theory. Because they get to be like, they get to run around and it's like a little community. And behave in society

like a community they had in theater. It's true. So they just, they start to mingle and go. Their Saturday nights are spent, you know this, four or five hours in the gym. Yeah. They get there like fucking one. And then maybe one margarita

if it fits into their macros. Yeah. And they're like, I had so much fun without even having two sips of alcohol. Yes. And then they chew on each other's genitals until they fall asleep. They gnaw on them like a-

They're fucking vampires. Like a dog gnawing on a pig ear. Yeah. They just don't know what to do.. They just don't know what to do. They don't know what to do. But it's good to get them in places like gyms. Work it out. Because then if they all work at the gym

and you become friends with all of them, I go to Orange Theory and they charge you if you're late for a class and they won't charge me because I'm friends with them there because I know how to I'm a mole I'm going into the theater community

knowing what the moves are yeah no if you miss it and you sign up on that app yeah yeah because you buy them like by the month

yeah but I have an unlimited membership and what do you do do you spin stuff Tommy hates me I think spin classes every time every time I look at him

he's like why did we book her no when I think we're having fun well it didn't help he was like are you fucking high I know

ever since then I've been like okay well now I'm drunk and I told you I was like I'm off the sauce you guys I walk in I say I'm off the sauce

and now there's and I'm like where's the other was there more margaritas or what's going on here she already has it where am I here here you can start it and I'm gonna I'm just gonna finish this Was there more margaritas or what's going on here? Was that hers or mine? Here.

Here, you can start it and I'm going to finish this. That was... Okay. All right. And Tommy's acting like I'm insane. Okay, so what were we going to say? We were going to say something. Oh, no, I just want to trash CrossFit and Theater Kids. Oh, Theater Kids.

Because it's the same person. Totally, it's the same person. Yeah. But they like their little communities. I don't know, theater gym connection, I don't like. It's just Spider-Man and dildos. He's eventually going to take that costume off and go back to his home. Absolutely.

You know? Go back. Yeah, go back home. Speaking of, there's a new Spider-Man out, right? I think so. Spider-Verse. Yeah, another like cartoon one, right? Yeah, those are the best ones.

Those are the best ones. They're fun. They have cool graphics. It's a cartoon? Yeah. The last one was good. It's animated. It's sick. It's kind of a computer. I haven't seen the movie, but I saw the first one. I want to see the new Indiana Jones. Yeah, I want to see that too. That I want to see. That looks fun. That can't be good. It's got to be good. It's got to be bad. It's got to be fun.

It's his last one. It's like every movie in theaters right now. Yeah, I just... Are they still fighting the Nazis? In the summer, you go to the movies to have a new place to enjoy air conditioning in. Yeah. You get sick of being in your apartment. Yes. I've been in the theater in years.

I haven't been in a while. I think the last one I saw was Maverick last summer. Yeah. I think that's the last one we went to. That's the last one we went to? Oh, so it was. No, it was like two years ago, wasn't it? It's new Top Gun? Yeah, that was last summer. Yeah. I think that's the last one we went to. That's the last one we went to? Oh, so it was. Right. No, it was like two years ago, wasn't it? It's new Top Gun?

Yeah, that was last summer. Was it? Yeah. Jesus. It was last July. This stuff's great. I know. How do you stop? I know. Time is not real. I did drink on Wednesday night of this week, and I went to Zany's Nashville, but everyone drinks there.

Yeah, you got it. Am I going to watch these motherfuckers get hammered? Yeah. The booker's, Lucy's like, drink, but everyone drinks there. Yeah, you got it. I'm not going to watch these motherfuckers get hammered. Yeah. The booker's, Lucy's like, drink, drink. I know. There's nothing else

to do in Nashville. Six shots later. It's just one strip of, it's like mini Vegas. I know. It's kind of fun though. We went to a bar at like 2 a.m. and it was still popping

and it was a Tuesday night. It was like a band? There was no band, just a bunch of people. Nice. Yeah, it was cool. I feel like in New York, things wrap up early. The Russian nesting doll is Vegas, Nashville, Austin.

Right. For like the strips of... Yeah. Chaos? Chaos and assholes. Yeah. Chaos and assholes. Yeah.

Que assholes. Que assholes. Que asshole? Que asshole? Que asshole? Que asshole? Yo, is assholes Spanish? How do you say that in Spanish?

How do you say that in Spanish? Yeah, where do you say that in Spanish? The library. The library and the bathroom. The bathroom and Chris. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, Christopher. Chris and...

Is that me in the bathroom? Is that what you're saying? You're a receptacle for my urine You ever piss on a woman? No Yes, you have Not even in a shower? Yeah, I guess in a shower

But that I don't count Like on her, or you're like, I'm peeing now Yeah, I'm like, I'm peeing You don't turn around and make a game game out of it because that's fun. You stop. Yeah, maybe I have done that, but. I don't do piss play. That feels like not sexual at all.

I don't do piss play. No, that's crazy. Trigger warning. You guys should have told me we were going to talk about piss play. That shit is insane. If you met a dude and you really liked him. Yeah. And you're like, this is the one.

And he's like, I've been holding out until you fell in love with me but I need you to lay in this tub. I gotta piss all over you. It's the only way I can eject her. Okay, so pretend it's us. What kind of stuff are we talking about?

Well, baby, first of all, are you hungry? Because I want to order us food before we get into this. I could eat. I'll just get our favorite Thai place like we usually get.

Can you add edamame too? I always do that. You forgot last time. I know it's $8 first of all. They charge us $8 the place we go. I told you I would pay. Can you add it? You say that every time.

Every time I let you pay, you bring it up three to four days later. Because I'm paying. You call me editame. And I fucking hate it. You're seriously doing this right now. Yeah. My dad died this morning.

All right, well, listen. Get down on your knees. I want to piss you out. And that's why I'm all hoarded up. Okay, fine. I'm just going to do cereal for dinner. All whored up. Okay, fine. I'm just going to do a cereal for dinner. All right. So, okay.

So, okay. So, sorry. We just went full UCB there. I was having a good time. So, someone peeing on me. Yeah. So, like during sex. Or me peeing on them.

I would take a strain. If I was the guy. If that was like her thing. Not to the mug. Calm down. I would take a strain. If that was like her thing. I'm not to the mug. Calm down. I would take a strain. If she peed on my bird, I'd be like, peed on your bird.

Pee on my bird, but don't call me a pee bird. Jesus Christ. Andy Milonakis, anyone? Remember that? Is that little fat munchkin still alive? I think he's dead, isn't he? Dude. Remember his show?

Remember when everyone found out Andy Milonakis was not 14? Yeah, yeah. He was like... Yeah, because Jimmy Kimmel was raping him. I got a pitch. All this piss talk got you worked up? While Tommy's gone, let's talk shit about him. Just kidding.

People, like, I just don't believe that that doesn't translate outside the bedroom. You start getting pissed on, other things are going to start falling apart. That's what I'm saying. I'm like, why? You can't respect someone that you piss on. You can't respect someone that you pissed on. Yeah. That's actually why.

You can't just be like, that's a fun thing that we do. It's just sexual. Well, listen to this. Listen to this. No one's ever actually come on my face. Can you believe that? Really? Yeah, because I'm like, you don't get Listen to this. No one's ever actually come on my face. Can you believe that? Really? Yeah, because I'm like, you don't get to see that.

Yeah. I would have a hard time with that, too. And then what? He starts. He starts. Exactly. So you see what I'm saying. Yeah.

So now I'm saving it. Saving it for the right guy. Yeah, that's another dangerous thing. You put too much pressure on it. No, it'll be like Tommy and I said, like day by day, you know? Like I'll wake up one day and be like,

someone's going to come on my face tonight. Yeah, but then he's going to be like, I jerked off. I don't have a big load. I didn't know you were going to ask. Yeah, I don't have a big load right now. Every other day.

She's going to dribble out. Every other day, I would have said yes immediately. And then you're going to be like, well, I missed it. All right, well.'t know you were going to ask. Yeah, I don't have a big load right now. Every other day. She's going to dribble out. Every other day I would have said yes immediately. And then you're going to be like, well, I missed it. All right, well. Yeah, you missed it. Sorry. I don't know. Hopefully I get horny again.

Probably won't happen. Yeah. I just, yeah. It's hard to do. Calm on your face. I know. Shane has a bit about it. Yeah, it's like.

Yeah. Yeah, logistically. There's a lot of things like that when you're like, you're like, oh, I should just fucking do that. And then you're like, I can't do that to somebody.

That's insane. What if someone was... I know, totally. Yeah. And it's like, cum is like hot and then cold. What do you mean? You know when it lands on your skin,

it's like warm and then it's cold immediately. And then a breeze comes through. Yeah. Well, you're blowing everyone outside. That's cold immediately. And then a breeze comes through. Yeah. Well, you're blowing everyone outside. That's the problem. I know, I know, I know. All these freckles.

You got to get indoors, shut the windows. It'll retain its heat a little longer. Okay. I feel like it gets cold quickly. It goes from warm to cold. Yeah. And having that on your face. It's mostly water, I think.

Hell no. So we're talking about facials. And a mommy piss. hot facials yeah yeah no one's ever no one can you believe no one's ever what no one's your dad can read your lips oh i thought you said this is where you should sing no one's ever came on my face there it is what the hell was that? Yeah. That's the only time it would be accepted.

They cut that from Les Miserables. I forgot to add, I have to go to CrossFit. Good for you. I know, I'm saving it. It's like the last little thing I have left. Well, I don't do butt stuff either. I mask every night. I also do butt stuff. You do butt stuff?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. In your own butt? I have a loved one, Chris. You gape it open and put on a little play. Little pewter action figures in there?

Nah, dude. It's like that movie Daylight with Sylvester Stallone. Dude, we're trapped in here. There's no Stallone. Dude, we're trapped in here. There's no way out. Dude, it's slow motion too.

Like slow motion action. I have to like, I have to move his arms every time to see him like trying getting out of the fucking hole. Hold on.

See, now that would be a fun thing to do. That's a fun sketch. That's a fun sketch. It's a very fun sketch. I could work as like a PA on it if you want me to. I just want to see it in action. Annual stop animation? So fun. Oh, a fun sketch. That's a fun sketch. It's a very fun sketch. I could work as like a PA on it

if you want me to. I just want to see it. stop animation? So fun. Oh, so fun. You're basically Jenny Slate. Yeah. Just get a Jenny.

Yeah. Marcel the show. Yeah. Lost in ass. Yeah. It's quite smelly down here. I don't know what it sounds like wow they're really taking a hard turn with this

Comedy Central's taking risks yes they are fuck yeah that'd be fun if only we knew how to do stop motion animation we could figure it out dude I think you could figure it out it just takes forever in there too it'd be hard to light

yeah I don't know you just gotta get a gaping asshole whore I think you can figure it out. It just takes forever. Yeah. In there, too. It'd be hard to light. Yeah. You know? I don't know. You just gotta get a gaping asshole whore. Yeah. Male or female. It depends on how big the canvas. Yeah, just wait for a golden hour.

Yeah. Well, you're shitting out these pellets that get you sober. You probably have a soda can width on your bun. What? What? What are you talking about? Yeah. Dude, he shits every two hours.

Why? You see what this man consumes. That's wild. That's not true. This is not even close to true. So what, he shits three hours? What? Yeah, every three or four hours.

No, I shit twice a day. Okay. No. Yeah. Chris, you shit twice when we go out. No, I shit once when we go out. No, I shit once when we go out. Yeah, which means you've already dumped off two or three times. No, I dump once in the morning, and then we'll go out, we'll leave, I'll get something to eat, then I gotta shit.

Yeah, immediately. Yeah. I'm pretty similar. I got first in, first out. Me too. Me too. It's like skee-ball. As soon as you pull one out, the whole other rack comes down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got shits on deck. Right. That's crazy. The line moves quickly the whole other rack comes down. Yeah. You got shits on deck. Right. That's crazy. The line moves quickly in here. Yeah. I like the consistency of it. Yeah.

Having two meals in you is oof. I hate, I hate, you will never, ever catch me with two meals in me. This is what I did last night. Agreed. I ate two meals back to back and my body was like, uh-uh. It feels awful. And I had a light lunch. I was doing tuna and Boston bib lettuce.

Just little wraps. Right. Thought that would be good to get me to dinner around 8 p.m. And then I ate this WAP fucking. Pasta? Well, it was everything. I got veal, mayonnaise. I got pasta we got uh stuffed artichoke we got oysters my body was like you're not you haven't been training for this yeah

it feels so then i just threw up out my ass for three hours oh you threw up out your ass yeah yeah yeah just piss rocketing for oh my god 35 minutes straight i got up twice in the middle of night i thought it was food poisoning but it just turns out i'm eating like a fucking slop right and you can't eat to the point where you have to shit right away well that means you have too much in there well yeah or it just moves so quickly you eat healthy no oh never mind okay never mind but my body know how like, he's just like a son. Okay, never mind. But my body knows how to deal with it.

Yeah, I feel like my body does too. Yeah. Yeah, well you should, you should. But I go into overdrive if I eat too much. I used to eat like a motherfucker. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what do you mean? One time in college. Were you fat kid? No, I wasn't a fat kid.

But one time in college I lost a lot of weight. He's a fat adult. No, literally. I lost a lot of weight in college. And then I gained it all back and more. In college? Yeah. Yeah, well everybody puts on.

Within like a year. Yeah. It was crazy. What do they call it, like the freshman 20 or something? No, it was like the senior 80. Freshman 60. 50. It was the senior 80.

Late. That's nice. Yeah. No way. Nah, it's nice to be pronounced. Going, graduating college, feeling like a fat ass? That's okay. I'm at a job interview, like, I don't usually look like this.

Yeah. And it all came on in like three months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was crazy. It's just knowledge I've accumulated. Yeah, I'm so smart.

I'm like Jimmy Neutron. Stored in my fat cell. You just walk up to a fat girl, you're like, oh, you're an engineer. I see you're storing data. Pre-med, yeah.

You're a fat bitch. No, but if I'm with a loved one, I like the fluctuation. You know, give me meat, give me shakies. Right, right, right. And then bring it back down to earth. Get a hold of yourself. Be a fucking adult. Stop eating like a piglet.

I like eating like a piglet well you are a genetic freak yeah I just eat consistently yeah I just try to eat he's so skinny he's got an outie belly button that looks like a piece of

chewed bubble gum in like a where you put a car key it's not an outie it's right on the middle can I see oh whoa I've seen those before

outies are fucking out I'm a whore dude it's a blocked canal. It's concave. No, that's convex. No, it's not. No, it's like a little bit of both.

That's convex. It's like... It looks like a... It's concave. It looks like a logo on a surfer's shirt. Oh, yeah. What's that thing on the... Oh, it's a...

No. It looks like when they pulled out the umbilical cord, it was an Audi, and then it sunk back in. I don't know. I think it just dies wherever it dies. Right. Yeah. I used to think that it was where they cut it.

You were probably so full of shit that it pushed it out a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're telling me it was packed. Pat made sure I was a healthy boy. Yeah. Is that your mom's name? Yeah. Pat.

Nice. I knew that. I was healthy. I wasn't really that healthy. Dude, my mom's name is Janine. Oh. She was always trying to lose weight. Oh.

While you were in the oven? Oh, no. It was like, I think age three it started for me. She's taking speed pills and shit? No, she never took speed pills. She was always just on a different weight loss plan and losing her mind. Good for her. No way.

She cares about what her husband thinks. Well, she left him. She's probably trying to fit in a new dress. She left his ass at the end of the day. Yeah. She got a big thump. What? Your mom got a big thump. Big thump? A end of the day. Yeah. She's got a big thumb. What? Your mom got a big thumb.

Big thumb. A little thumper. Butt. I was like, you're talking about her vagina? Yeah. Yeah, she's got a big old thumb. Yeah? Yeah.

Nice. Still tight, though. But, yeah, my mom is, dates a lot of guys. Oh, she's single? Yeah. Let's go. Yeah. Well, actually, she has a fiance now.

Wow. She had 10 boyfriends between my dad and him. Good for her. Yeah. Yeah, shop around. Good for her. She bounced around.

Yeah. Now they have a house with an indoor pool. Oh, there's... And all they do is go to Grateful Dead shows. Oh, my God. Yeah.

I know. And there's Grateful Dead paraphernalia all over their home. Oh, my God. It would be the same amount of artwork that you guys have, but that would be the Skoll, like, fucking thing. That would be a poster from a over their home. Oh my God. It would be the same amount of artwork that you guys have, but that would be the skull like fucking thing.

That would be a poster from a show in 1977. That would be Jerry Garcia playing guitar. Over their front door, they have fare thee well written out in Jerry Garcia's thumbprint with this fucking whatever his handprint is. No. Like a thumbprint. Massive letters. You don't deserve this. They have massive letters. You don't deserve this.

They have a pool? You don't deserve this. It's so annoying. I'm like, be careful what you wish for. I want to be rich. And now, the only way I can go home

is to live in a head shop. It smells like fucking patchouli. There's like, I'm like, they're like one fucking week away from beaded doors and stuff. And just a Volkswagen van being on the inside of the house.

Was she like this before? His dick is so good that she was like, I'm a deadhead too. She always was a massive deadhead, but I think like they had this combined thing

that that's like for many birthdays and Christmases it was like Grateful Dead yoga mat, Grateful Dead yoga mat because how many items can you newly get someone

when everyone already has everything they want? Yeah. Buying stuff for people the older you get right yeah okay i'm gonna get you a grateful dead vape yeah you know i can't find a hat to buy shane you can buy right country right i'm having a hard time but you could buy a country your life around any other group of people i know is it's so weird bananas to me especially like when it's just like the Grateful Dead.

It doesn't matter who it is. Yeah. It could be Led Zeppelin. It doesn't matter who it is, if your whole house is that thing. I mean, I went to Disney World once and I saw like fucking big diamond like Daffy Ducks.

And it's just like, yo, whoever's doing this, buying this is the scariest person I've ever Dude, our friend is going to a... Or they're a veteran. Our friend is going to... And they like to go to Disney World now. What do you mean?

A veteran of like... I feel like there's a lot of overlap between military families and Disney. Going to Disney. Well, wouldn't they hate the booms? You know? The firewood. They would hate roller coasters. They'd run to Disney. Well, wouldn't they hate the booms? You know? The firewood. They would hate roller coasters. Yeah.

Being an adult going to Disney World is the saddest shit in the world. Oh my god, it's so sad. We know her friend's getting married at Disney World. Really? Like, they have a venue? In their 30s. Really? And they're bringing people to Destination Wedding to Disney World, where you have to get in this fucking extravagant They have a venue? In their 30s. Really? And they're bringing people to Destination Wedding.

To Disney World, where you have to get in this fucking extravagant... What? Did you hear the beginning of this fucking podcast? I did, and I was hoping you would say no because of what you said earlier. Wouldn't that be crazy if he's like, I say no, I'm not going to your wedding. Yeah, I'm going. To the Disney one. I should go to this one.

That sounds awful. Disney sucks. You should go when you're six, sounds awful. Disney sucks. You should, like, you should go in your six if you want, if your family takes you.

I went once when I was like 22 because my dad had a word conference there. I was like, oh, this is trash.

It's crazy. I think it's all, could you imagine having a serious, serious, are we going to make it or not relationship fight

with your loved one? And then like, a stuffed animal comes up. Trying to get some room and walk into here if you're just Minnie Mouse everywhere you'd be like what the fuck am i doing yeah having serious conversation yes person then she takes her teeth out and she's like okay what about would you would you rather date someone who has a massive hobby and it's displayed everywhere, or someone who has a massive hobby and it's a whole room dedicated to it, but it's just one room?

Would you rather see it, like, posted on the- I'd just love a train set, I'd be cool with it. What, a whole room? Dude, yeah. Dedicated. Yeah. I also had next- Is there building something?

No, they're just- It's like their own creation? It's just a room of collectibles. Of something they like. Like Led Zeppelin or... You don't think you'd call the cops if you walked in, like you were dating a girl and you went in the basement. And the dad, the dad is watching a train go in a circle. Just sitting there.

Watching a train. Well that would be a problem. But if he was like building like really authentic looking like mountains and forests. That's even worse. I would be like, he's the fucking man. No, he's watching the ACDC train go round and round because he's in his ACDC finished basement because he doesn't want to come out as gay to his wife. I just, I just.

This is why I appreciate your mother. Because a lot of people just maintain this heated relationship for decades. Dude, she bails. Okay, she dated a guy. Why? Because he liked ACDC and not the dead? No, I was just making a joke about hobbies. Yeah, exactly.

He liked fish. She was like, it's not the same. Just can't find the right guy. Listen to this. My mom dated a guy. His name was Doug. Engineer. Upstate New York.

Deadhead. He was cool. Yeah. He was like a cool older guy. He wore like Converse with like flames on the side. I was like, you're so cool. You mean gay theory? He was a father figure for a while. I bet. I bet. And then she broke up with him

and then he was gone. Okay, so she dated him and they lived together in his house. He lived on like a massive compound because he was, like, a paranoid of the government engineer. And he just, acres of land. He had, like, a shotgun in his room. Oh, my God.

And she was like, Doug, I want to live on a lake. I want to live on a lake. I want to live on a lake. And he built her a lake house, and they moved in. It still was under construction, and she moved out. And he sold his compound. For a lake house. Yeah. For your mother. And he sold his compound. For Lake House. Yeah.

For your mother. And he didn't really want to live on the lake. So now he lives on a lake house with neighbors right next to him because it's a Finger Lakes upstate New York like right next to each other. Yeah, they're nice. And it's a house with kitchen counters

like customized to Janine's height. There's a second bathroom. And she fucking... Is she tiny or tall? There's a second bathroom. And she fucking Is she tiny or tall? She's five foot three. Oh my God. Maybe two now. What happened to you?

You can cook in a regular kitchen at five foot three. It's just there's things in there that are like Janine wanted that, Janine wanted that, Janine wanted that. And now he's still building it. He's like Luke Skywalker

and she's fucking engaged. Imagine me like this like cutting blood. That's insane. I know, right? Yeah. Just be like, fuck you, Janine!

Yeah. Every day? Or he's making the same salad she likes just in case she comes over. Dude, his spine probably looks like a question mark.

That means he's bending over way too long. Absolutely. Good Lord. It's like a fucking anchovy. That is so bizarre that's the saddest story I think I've heard

in a long time oh my god was that sad I thought it was funny my bad no it's very funny it's very funny I forget you guys are guys when I tell it to the girl

she goes yeah dude it's terrifying locking in locking in for a woman and doing all the the wrong things for that woman I know

and then getting caught on that island your ass dumped and guess what if I see one thing that reminds me of an ex I that woman. I know. And then getting caught on that island. And guess what? If I see one thing that reminds me of an ex, I'm like, ugh.

I know. This guy's living in his ex's palace. I know. Thinking the government is out to kill you every day, all day, and having a compound and then going home and listening to fucking Terrapin Station.

I know. Isn't that so funny? It's the most ridiculous. Isn't that so funny? Just listening to like an old pothead noodle on the guitar. Well, you know. It's like, dude, what?

My mom's a huge Grateful Dead fan and she's incredibly like materialistic and loves like Diet Coke and Halo Top ice cream. No offense, but she sounds like

she's great in bed. Oh, dude, she's awesome. She's fucking nuts. Oh my God, I literally have zero complaints. I'm telling you guys, this is like, you know, this is what I was raised by. I've had a lot of dads.

And my real dad is still like, fucking Janine. I'm like, dude, she's so many dudes beyond you. Powerful. Like she doesn't even know your middle name anymore. My dad's still like. Got fucked out of here. He got fucked, yeah. Yeah, he did. All right. You got something to promote oh my god yeah wait was this okay is this a kind of podcast for tomorrow you're gonna be like hey we decided not to release it

no you're good no we'll just blame it on the producers yeah you guys saw the audio okay i'm kidding dude look i just like people being obsessed with stuff genuinely scares me if i found out even when people come to two shows of mine, I'm like, back off. Go to the gym. Get on Tinder. Go anywhere else. Speaking of male podcasts, I have a lot of single guys who sit right in the front row and come alone.

And they have heard me on, you know, all the guys, like Legion of Skanks and stuff like that. They come alone and they sit right in the front. Is that weird? Anyway, if you want to be one of those guys. But are they wearing like a shirt with your face on it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. See, that's when you get to the,

that next level of just like, dude. You approved the shirt for our merch with your face on it. I know. Thought it was funny. There's 150 of them in the middle of the room. That's how you know we got a good fan base. Nobody fucking bought the thing. It was a litmus test.

Are we going in the right or wrong direction? Do we have the right fans? If people bought the face shirt, we'd be like, we got to regroup, change tactics here. We should just put dead bears above the head. Literally. I'll buy one. All these crazy bitches.

The face one? Yeah. I can't. Do you have anything to plug? Yes. Come see me live. I'm coming to Louisville, Kentucky. When does this come out?

Next week? I don't know. A couple weeks. Three weeks? Two, yeah. Okay, well, you missed me probably in Louisville. I don't know. Where am I coming?

Cincinnati? Yeah, just plug your website. Maddysmithcomedy.com. So Maddy Smith on all the medias. Nice. So Maddy Smith. Yes. All right, there you go.

What? Nothing. You guys are freaking me out. Why? I don't know. I'm spooked. Maybe because 40 minutes ago, Tommy was like, Donald Duck. Yeah, and then he was like, you high?

I'm just checking in. I'm like, ugh. That's not wrong when asking a question. No, there is. No, she said she's been sober for a while, so I was like, what do you... Yeah, from alcohol? Being sober from weed does not exist. Yeah, when you're high, too, tacking in the headwind of someone else's consciousness is tough.

I know. Let alone when they start, like, hammering you with, like, exactly how has your brain been twisted. Right. You just start going like, ah! I'm not acting weird! Am I acting weird? God damn it! Who am I? What am I supposed to be?

How am I supposed to be sitting? Right. That's me the past 40 minutes with 10 cameras on me. I'm like, oh. Wait, why do I have two glasses? Did I miss something? I forgot. Why do I have two glasses?

I'm not supposed to be drinking. I'm freaking out. I think Chris likes me. Yeah. So, but yeah, totally normal question. Yeah, you're very welcome. I didn't say thank you

we'll see you on the Patreon okay see you on the Patreon bye