Stuff Island - Stuff Island #91: Grink'd w/ Ran Barnaclo

Episode Date: July 26, 2023

- Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Ran on IG: https://www.instagram.com/ranbarnaclo/?hl=en Support the show & go to hellofresh.com/stuffisland50 for 50% off Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh yeah, sitting here. Yeah. I mean, with all your wisdom, Chris. That's what, that's what autistic, that's how autistic guys sit down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. That's like an autistic guy. Oh.

You just learning? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, let me tell you something. I'm not going autistic. What do you know about model trains? Yeah, love them. Yeah, you're fine. Yeah.

We're fucking rolling, dude. Are you rolling on that? Yeah, we're rolling. Yeah, we're rolling. You guys ever scream on an airplane? You see that flight that just dropped like 4,000 feet in a minute? No. Wait, wait.

That's like the morning news for you. It's Twitter. It's where I get all my morning news, dude. That's like 4,000 feet is like the ground. No, it gets up to 25, 35. What are you talking about? 35,000. I don't believe that.

Did you drive here from Ohio? I flew. How long was the drive from Bed-Stuy? They said it was a half hour on Uber. This guy got here 19 minutes. No way. Dropped me off up the street.

He was doing wild illegal moves. But bro, I learned a lot of shit about from bangladesh because i'm a guy that'll get he was talking the whole time dude i'll get an uber and be like what's up man and just let him go yeah it doesn't bother me yeah i don't even get on my phones i'm just like yeah how far is that flight you know whatever yeah and this dude hit me with i used to work for a drug dealer in cleveland ohio like come on dude I guess the drug dealer got shot in Jersey and then he just skipped out. He said some fucking poignant

shit, though. Wait, that's how he wound up here? Yeah, dude. And this guy was blowing my tits off. What did he say? He said some poignant shit that, oh, fuck me. It was crazy. I was like, what, dude? And he was like, I think people drink less. I'm not going to do the accent. Yeah, don't. I think people drink less. I'm not gonna do the accent. Yeah, don't

People drink less because like they didn't go. Oh, dude. Okay. This is what he said We were talking about drinking and he was like people are you still dangling? Okay good. He this is what he said He said he used to do Baba It's a he said it's a tablet and you put it in a rolled-up dollar. I'm like, he's talking about cocaine. He wasn't. He said in Bangladesh, they do Baba. They roll up a dollar.

Oh, I've seen this, yeah. And then they basically freebase a pill. And he was like, I was so, okay, not doing the accent, but he was like, I was so addicted to Baba. And he was telling me about Baba, and it sounds fun. Yeah, dude, that's like that what's that chat chats have you ever seen the guys that it's just like a big ball or something and they got a bunch of salad in their mouth and they're acting crazy I think it's like it's like super concentrated tobacco or something so much fucking ba-ba's. Swiss cheese head. He's got a ball of arugula in his mouth.

He was driving off ba-ba and he was like, swing, swing, swing. I mean, there was a garbage truck. He jumped it. It was great. Give me a ba-ba driver over anybody. I'll risk my fucking life. Like this airplane.

Dude, it makes you think, though. All these airplanes apparently are purchased through Boeing. Like all the main airlines, right? So you think, oh, it's a shitty airline. They get it through some like fucking third party. You know, it's all the same. Bye-bye airlines. So you see videos like this.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about flight safety, Chris. Keeping your buckle on, even when there's no turbulence. You experience buying like secondhand planes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got to be a fucking guy. A guy from Bangladesh going,

I give you less. I treat you good. Oh, okay, we're doing accents on this? Yeah, dude, yeah. It's got to be a fucking guy. A guy from Bangladesh going, I give you less. I treat you good. Oh, okay. We're doing accents on this? Yeah, dude. Yeah, we can do accents. But you do like that. But the E and the O are in different places.

It's like... It's like saying counterfeit. It's V and W, to be honest with you. They say very good. No, but you're asking... I have the most wonderful experiences just firing off a question like how you doing let them run dude yeah because their wife is chained to a radiator she's never caring about what his day was like he's been he's been waiting to get this diary open for years and a guy like you he's like i can finally tell him my story yeah no one

believes me he was all do you think this is cool for an uber driver to be going 70 miles an hour like just in brooklyn on streets yeah doing he was driving with his foot right here his toe was grinked against the wheel and the gear shift yeah that's because he was driving with it no he was driving with this guy down here but but he was just like, and these are my kids? That's because he was in a cage like John McCain. He can't get his rig above his fucking head. He came over in a fucking dog kennel. That man's seen some shit. Yeah, man, that guy was sitting golden monkey style, and he brought me all the way here so quick.

Dude, we had a flight to JFK, and this guy had a sprinter van from the 80s. Before they made sprinter vans. I got in this van. He made it. This thing was powered on spit. There's no way. This thing was around when gas was available. And he, dude, we only had like 45 minutes to get to the flight.

Back to the future. He's putting bananas in cans. Yeah, just tossing cantaloupes into a giant opening in the side. This fucking guy got to say, the moves he was pulling, like my girl was like holding my fucking wrist, just squeezing it like she was getting sick. Yeah. I went to the Amalfi Coast.

My mother had to get a bag out to barf in it because these dudes, they run. They run the coast. You're my barf bag? Yeah. You barf bag to Amalfi Coast? Courses? And then didn't the girl, yeah, she didn't even go out with us, like, see things.

She goes, I'm fine. I think she was just so traumatized by the way the Bangladesh driver got them. Dude, it is nice. Shout out Bangladesh fans. We love you. We support you. Hit the subscribe button. Check out our Patreon.

We're going to need them for some editing work. Dude, do you notice a car puke is never as good as like an at-home puke? Yeah, because you're in a car. No, no, the sound. I'm talking, you got to muffle it. It's still embarrassing. Yeah. At home, you can like let the roar out.

But in the back of a car, you're like. Yeah. It's like a baby puke. Well, it's like farting. It's like farting three years in the relationship as opposed to the first date. You guys got to go. Oh, yeah. You fart on the first date?

No, I'm saying like if you have to. When's it? When? When? A little air. A little air out of the tire. Fucking Applebee's. You're not going to fucking rip ass

like you're on a church pew. I'm not bucking anything for like years. Oh, same, dude. Yeah. Oh, I fart pretty quick. Well, because what happens is I hold him in it and then my stomach is making, I'm basically farting.

It's just not out my ass. You know what I mean? My stomach is so loud. They're like, what's going on? Yeah, you're going to handle this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking about sucking your bird. You're going to handle this?

Yeah, but that's the chemistry experiment. I just go stand in the bathroom with my hands like this. Look in the mirror. Looking in your own eyes and farting in the mirror. Her just waiting in some sexy outfit while your Camaro backfires. It is why I never understood the loud muffler thing. Yeah. Oh, that's Asian.

Sounds like it. Asians love a BMW that slaps glass on their muffler. I can't. Dude, getting one of those. Driving a trike bike is the most embarrassing shit in the world. You get so much attention to you. We just talked about it on the Freedman's Podcast. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. The slingshot? Getting a fucking slingshot. The slingshot sucks. The slingshot sucks, dude. Oh, I got The slingshot sucks. I got a slingshot story. Let's go. Bangladesh was driving.

We fucking launched over a building. Hold on tight! Where you coming from? Where you coming from? Launching over a mountain. Oh, cold shit! I love you! Hang on tight! He keeps going higher. He's just launching over a mountain like Oh shit I love you Hang on tight He keeps going high

He's like this Just behind his head He does You don't even need to sit like that on this You can Those three tins

that get their food in just standing and then landing perfectly when it comes down Well There's like dishes in the

Tom and Jerry movie where they go There's like a slingshot with 40 chickens on the back of it when it comes down. Like the dishes in the Tom and Jerry movie? There's like a slingshot with 40 chickens on the back of it. So there was a famous cornerback for the Cincinnati Bengals. Boomer? No, corner. DB.

Oh, I thought you said quarterback. It was years ago as a bartender. I got a boomer size and tattoo. What? No, I wish I did. That'd be thought you said quarterback. It was years ago. I was a bartender. I got a boomer size and tattoo. What? No, I wish I didn't. God. That'd be so sick, dude. Just a boomer's face on my cam.

I started, dude. For some reason, I started. I got nervous. That was weird. I was like, dude. You already look like a vampire dipped in caramel. I can't believe. That dude's going to have a sick day.

God. I haven't seen him in three months. He's so handsome. I come in, he's got his shirt off, and he's like, welcome to my home. I'm sweating my dick off. That's why I greet all the kids. Look at my chest hair. Yeah, dude, it's great, man.

Can you get me a paper towel? I'm sweating. A candy apple vampire. So we had this famous defensive back. He's known for being a wild guy. He's named after a video game. All right? So there we go.

Do we all know who I'm talking about? He played for the Eagles. I think so. He got in a lot of trouble, right? Didn't he get kicked off the team at some point? Oh, yeah. Okay, so. Can we not say?

I did the Bangladesh accent. You guys can't drop a fucking name. His name's Pac-Man, Adam Pac-Man Jones. Oh, Pac-Man, yeah. Yeah, he fucking rules. And I used to be a bartender, and he was always at the bars. One time, we were standing in line at a bar. He was wearing a cashmere sweatshirt, and he was like, you want a shot?

And I was like, yeah. And he goes, light or dark? And I was like, dark. And then he just, over a crowd of bar, goes, two shots of Makers on Jones. And this bartender chick was like, yes, sir. I mean, like, the dude ruled. And I slapped him on his back, and it was like touching a rock wall, right? He was a brick shit house, like 5'9".

So one day I see him driving through. I'm outside smoking a cigarette from the bar I work out. It's dead. It's like a Sunday off-season. And I see a slingshot come around the corner, bright yellow, and Pac-Manones is on it no helmet my god and just by himself pulls up to the red light in front of me i'm like what's up man he goes what's up baby and he drives off so then we're out there an hour later he comes around

again and he's that now he's hot dogging he's like on the slingshot and we're all like that thing looks so gay and then he cruises through the light right and he gives us a what's up again we're like what's up so then we're we're hacking another dart

like two hours later and here he comes again with this white girl on the back of the slingshot hot dogging yet again that's where he picked her up one more time he blew it up

until I get a fat ass white girl I'm not fucking I'm gonna do it Indy 500 until I get a beef bag it's like when we were trolling for tuna.

They're going to bite. They're going to bite. This is a great dude. The banana trike is a perfect lure to scoop up a beefy white broad. The metallic in the water, dude. The tuna's going to bite.

He chummed all of downtown Cincinnati. And he picks her up. And as they're rolling by, just fucking with him. Because he is cool. I saw him try to fight a guy while he was wearing a neck brace. He's a wild guy. Holy shit. I looked at

him and I go, that's not your wife. And he goes, I know. Back down through the city. I was like, dude, he came by like three more times. He's just showing off. Dude, the whole neck brace shit. Like when I see someone with a boot or a fucking brace, stay home until that shit gets healed.

We're 2023 right now. You get anything delivered to your door. I agree, brother. Except embarrassment. You go outside with any type of ail anything delivered to your door. I agree, brother. Except embarrassment. You go outside with any type of ailment. It's like, grow the fuck up. Bro, I'll quit a show if I got a zit on my nose. A hundred percent.

Over. A hundred percent. Over. I'm ugly. And I'm like, no, dude. You could be on HBO like, no, I broke out last night. I'm not fucking doing it. I look like a normal dude.

I'm like an Ohio Five. And if I get a zit on my nose, I'm like, I can't go to Cleveland. I'm like an Ohio Five. And if I get a zit on my nose, I'm like, I can't go to Cleveland. I'm like such a bitch. The worst is when you're like, this zit is so insane, I have to address it.

Like it has a heartbeat. And then you get up there and you start talking about it and everyone's like, I can't even see. I know. You can't see this? Yeah,

just lose the crowd for 10 minutes. Have you ever ripped a fart into a microphone? Not what, in public? Yeah, on stage. I'm just walking around. You're in here like... Welcome back to Street Toots. Doing Foley for...

Dude, I saw a guy walk into this bar in Delco called Miller's, Miller's Ale House. It this bar in Delco called Miller's. Miller's Ale House. It's like a chain. Yeah, yeah. And it made its way towards Philly area. And this guy walks in with a cane and a neck brace. You're fucked on both hemispheres.

Oh, you'll find out why. He's clearly trying to help his kid's pill addiction. I don't want to make dick off, bro. I just chill out. He smells like an immigrant. Chill out. King's a comedy over here. Somebody sweat my dick off. I just chill out. He's a hypocrite. Chill out. King's a comedy over here. Somebody get me another stool.

I need a stool for my other stool. So he walks in and he's like, yeah, how you doing, Carol? And she's like, the same. And he gets a fucking glass of white wine, puts his cane on one of the seats and goes, takes his neck brace off. His head falls off? Puts it on the one of the seats and goes, takes his neck brace off. Puts it on the seat itself. No. He's just sitting there like,

so how was your weekend? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy's just fighting the system, trying to get a couple bucks. So he's got to, you know, force his way through society, pretending he has an injury for a couple of insurance dollars. Damn, that rocks.

Legend. That rocks. He's the Batman of workman's comms. Yes. But if you have a real injury, stay home or kill yourself. Do not show me limping down fucking Queens with a goddamn boot. I think there's an exception. It's so embarrassing.

It's such courage. Oh, yeah. Old people are fine. They're deteriorating. If you're grinked out and you're old, whatever. Be grinked in public. Yeah. But if like- You're a piece of cardboard in the rain. Yeah. If you're a fine. They're deteriorating. If you're grinked out and you're old, whatever. Be grinked in public. Yeah. But if, like...

You're a piece of cardboard in the rain. Yeah, if you're a dude... You're deteriorating, isn't it? Grinked out? Yeah, I've just been saying grinked out. It makes sense. You say grinked? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Grinked? Grinked. Grinked. Oh, grinked. G-R-I-N-K-grinked. G-R-I-N-K-grinked. Apostrophe D. Ooh, that's hip, dude.

That's what the kids are doing. Yeah, there's mass people. New York is full of grinked out individuals. yeah if you're like a young dude and you any you know the things that they screw into people's fucking heads yeah they like got pile driven or something at a bar dude you can't come outside no if you have that there should be an alert before you pass the door yeah yeah one of those things where your arms are out and there's like a stick that keeps them in position. Have they changed that?

Because I haven't seen one of those in mass. I think they're getting the hang of like staying at the fuck home. People used to break their chests all the time. I don't think people are breaking their chest as much anymore. I've never seen someone actually in that. I've seen that, but I was like a kid.

I got a service. I think there should be a service where they put you out for like three months until you're healed. Yeah. If you have enough money, go to a hospital.

That's the problem. You ever come off like a road trip for like, you know, a week, and you're like, I haven't slept at all. I want to go right to urgent care.

Put me in a little back room. Put me under. Yeah, have a little back room. Put me under. Yeah, have a little Asian woman put some moisturizer underneath my eyes. And then... Oh, that far underneath your eyes on your dick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the idea they start jerking you off and they're like, count down from 100.

Put some moisturizer under my eyes all the way down here. You wake up three months later, did I cum? Yeah. They put you down in September, wake up in November going, holy shit, I can...

Did I cum 200 times? Am I still in that body cast? Like, this is great. I got knocked around by it. You're in a cast with those two things on your thighs. Keep it up. Keep it away. Yeah, dude.

Putting it in a Ziploc bag of lotion. Yeah, dude, if you're fucked up, stay home. Stay home. It's so embarrassing. Especially, have you seen these ooze faces walking around? People are just pussed out in the summertime in the city. There's just a lady waiting for the train, and she was fully just leaking custard out of her head. Oh, my.

And I'm like, go to a hospital, bitch. She already had bandages on. It's like it didn't take. You got to go back to the doctor. There's a reason you boys are wearing dark pants right now. Why is that? Look at my forehead. Imagine what your fucking bum looks like.

My butthole? Mayhem. Yeah. You can't be bopping around town in caggies. Brother, I know what my butthole looks like. It's a nightmare. It's probably got two unlit cigarettes, though, that you could bum if you needed. I haven't checked in on it in a while.

You don't wake up every morning, do your gratitude and squat over a hand mirror? Damn. Weird. Have you been checking out your asshole on these mirrors? No. That's what I'm saying. I haven't seen them. You gotta put a mirror on the ground and squat over it. I'm interested now. Dude, I was at the... I got a beat. I got a haircut

the other day. On your butthole? No. I'm just... You're bragging. I'm worried about what my butthole looks like because I was getting a haircut the other day. On your butthole? No. I'm just worried about what my butthole looks like. Because I was getting a haircut, and the guy had cut my whole head, and then he was just cleaning me up a little bit. You know what I mean? You said that so crazy. This guy cut my whole head. Yeah, he did the whole head.

Usually only get the sides. It took forever. And, dude, he was looking at my ear and he like thought that just like something that he had cut off my head was like on my ear. And he was like grabbed at it. And no joke, he was pulling on a hair that was like maybe two inches long off of my ear.

Oh my God. You can't see that when you're like looking at yourself? I hadn't seen it. God, you're creeping me out. No, dude. Jesus. And I mean, I don't know looking at yourself? I hadn't seen it. God, you're creeping me out now, dude. Jesus. I mean, I don't know. I mean, you didn't notice it. I don't look at you.

I look at the floor. Maybe it was hiding in the line. No, it was. I'm telling you, it pulled the edge of my earlobe, like pulled it out. Oh, my God. I was like, no joke, went to it. Like, holy shit, was that like a hair growing out of my ear? And he's like yeah yes it

was yeah oh my god that's an extra seven bucks dude i've never made me that was disgust that and i cut hair in the arm he's like i gave you a ear fade do you owe me dollars i went to i went to a black barber shop in my neighborhood, which I like going to black barber shops because I'm a bald dude, but I like to keep some hair on the sides. But they will do a good lineup. You get faded into bald? No, I'm bald, but I like to keep the island.

Why are you laughing, dude? It's because you can't rob a bunch of whiskey off me. He doesn't even fucking laugh at me, dude. We don't all have cool 1920s bootlegger hair. You do look like the guy who would run the general store that he would stick up. I feel good. Dude, can I tell you something? That's my main goal to ever in anything.

If I ever get in a movie, I want to be a guy that's like, you can't come in here. And then get shot. That's what I want. That's the only thing. I don't want to be a movie star. I want to be like, excuse me. And somebody be like,

like Johnny Depp shoots me or something in the body. But I get, I get them to line me up and I'll have them line around the island. Dude, that rolls. Just because I think it's funny.

I'm like, just toss me a little drink over the top. You know what I mean? Keep the, keep the waters clear. Yeah. And, and,

and dude, the island is like a, it's like a mustache of a guy going through radiation. Thank you. It's an upside ticket. It's a frown, dude. It's a Nike swoop. Last year, it's the Newport cigarettes. That's the logo.

That's probably why he loves it. Dude, I'm doing it right now. Last year, I grew my hair out. Last year I grew my hair out and I looked like William Shakespeare. This shit looked like spider webs in the sun. I'm growing it back out. Yeah, you should.

Yeah, just scumbag style. But yeah, this guy lined me up and then he went too far down. Dude, he lined me up over my mustache. He pencil thinned me like two weeks ago. I didn't do my podcast. Did you tell him you weren't Dominican? Dude, I told him I looked like I was PR.

Yeah. I was like, come on, man. What do you think? You think I'm bopping out of here? Like, thanks, daddy. Yeah. Line me and line. Dude, I was out. It was. Oh, that's crazy. I'm like, you of here like, thanks, daddy. Yeah, yeah. He used to fucking line me and line, dude, I was thinned out.

Dude, I was fucked up, man. Yeah, Donald, that's crazy. I'm like, you saw how I came in here, you fucker. Yeah. Why'd you do me like this? Did you have to, like, do things after that? Like, go on stage? Kiss him.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I had to. Make out with poppy. I had to kiss poppy. No, and you know what? You know when I found out I was going to get a. You're going to earn this tootsie roll on me. Me up. I knew I was going to get a bad haircut?

Because as soon as he leaned me back, like he was about to do my hair and he leaned me back, and on the ceiling border was just a crescent moon flag with the letters on it. And I was like, damn, this is a Nation of Islam barbershop. You're goddamn right. Inshallah. They're like 9-11 they just fucking

I mean he lined up his island is tower 7 he didn't even know it was coming down he's like I'm wearing all the other shit he lined over my ears like dude it looked like I was wearing a hair helmet with no hair. That fucking rules.

And then I had to go do shows, and I just had to walk up and be like, I love Cubans. I don't know how I fucking navigated it. I cut Shane's hair before the last special, and it's because I wasn't available to cut his hair before the first special when he went to a Dominican. Oh, yeah. And he got a high and tight that was, like, so insane.

Oh, I saw it. He talks about it. Yeah, he talked. Well, he had to. Just like Chris says, he had to mention it. Yeah, his hair looked crazy. It was nuts. Yeah, yeah.

And I was like, dude, what are you doing? He's like, well, you weren't around. I was like, all right, well, this time I'm going to do it right. It looked like a cartoon orange with a leaf just over the top. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You cut hair? Yeah. Of course you do, right. It looked like a cartoon orange with a leaf just over the top. You know what I mean? You cut hair? Of course you do, man. Yeah, yeah.

He cuts his own hair. I do cut my own hair. You should cut your own hair. I mean, no offense. I did. God cut it. No, Allah cut it. Mohammed cut it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, get back, sweat rag. I'm sweating my dick off. Why? I went to the gym an hour ago. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm still exuding the heat. Yeah.

Blowing out the fucking pores. I had a shower yesterday that didn't take at all. Yeah. It's like that old Seinfeld thing. It's like the shower didn't take. For real, it didn't take. It sucks. I showered and then I was like, I guess I'm just sweating off this shower.

Forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It takes two hours to get down. Life's a nightmare. Life sucks. I spent the past three days walking around outside just soaked. Like just completely giving in. Are you a sweaty guy? Not really.

But it's so hot. I'm a mess. I'm a fucking sea otter. My natural laying tone is sea otter. Feel this. Feel my arm. Feel my palm. Let me jerk you off.

Just on the subway platform, like, laying down like those seals. Just start slipping. And we're like, there's turbulence. What, we dropped 4,000 feet? Why hasn't New York thought about just put, have you heard of fans? Just put a fan down in the subway. Money, baby. Who cares? This is the fan down in the subway. Money, baby. Who cares?

This is the richest city in the world. Yeah, Uden. What is it? Jesus Christ. Cut it. You ever heard of Dubai? You ever heard of Uden? Okay.

You can't say it that way. We're like an RFK Junior all of a sudden. What race did we hit yet? Let's do them all. We got blacks. We got fucking Dominicans. We got the BangladeshK Jr. all of a sudden. What race did we hit yet? Let's do them all. We got blacks. We got fucking Dominicans. We got the Bangladesh. I think it's Bangladesh.

We got the WAPs. The Bangladesh. The Bangladesh. The Bangladesh. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Cut all that.

Yeah. Where'd you get this shirt? This is nuts. This is nuts. We're not going to... I love how you're like, I have to address a zit on my face. This is the zit on your face. This is PL. This is nuts. I love how you're like, I have to address a zit on my face. This is the zit on your face.

Dude, this is PLL, dude. This is Archer's Lacrosse Club. Oh, nice. Was that the boy that was rocking our gear? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out. What's his name? Tom Schreiber.

Tom Schreiber. You better not run out too fast in front of one of them construction barrels. You're getting blasted. Yo, this is how you get to fly through the construction site. On a bike? I'm on my way to another job. Put a hard hat on. Is that stolen valor in some way? 100%.

Like when those hipster dudes dress up like they work in a sawmill and then you see an actual guy that works in a sawmill. That guy will fucking grink you in half. I'm trying to get Grink to stick, man. I really am. Grink's gonna go. Grink's gonna stick. I'm gonna say grink by accent

for him. I'm like, yeah, my hair looks grink, dude. It does. It's got a good... The G and the K are doing a lot of good work. The K's huge. The K's huge. Grinked. What does it mean? It just means fucked. Oh, fucked. It's kind of like a sound for somebody you see that's like this.

Yeah, he's grinked. See a ton of those guys. It's also a fun thing to do to people, like just throw out grinked and see if they go, I know, man. Yeah. Pretend like they know what it means. My girl's been on my ass. Absolutely, man.

I didn't think you'd notice. Yeah, my whole life's grinked out. Yeah, dude. Everything's fucking grinked. My didn't think you noticed. Yeah, my whole life's cranked out. Yeah, dude. Everything's fucking cranked. My car's cranked. I just put my two-week notice in it to fucking IHOP. I'm fucking cranked.

Dude, my bank account's fucking cranked. I pulled out too fast last night and fucking cranked it off her ass. Yeah, that's one of those words that sounds so cool. I ordinarily wouldn't have questioned it. And then I would have used it in front of someone else and be like, what the fuck is grink? And I'd be like, dude, I don't know. I don't know. I fucking chewed on my tongue.

I didn't mean it. Yeah, dude. Thanks for coming. Thanks for having me. Yeah, man. Yeah, dude. I like this place. Where you at?

Cleveland? Cincy. Oh, yeah. Dude, that was such a fun fucking show. That was great. That was very fun. That club rules. It's the best club in the country.

I heard Nick's reviews years ago. I was so... What? I did. From who? I don't know. I don't remember. Name, name.

Some Bangladesh dude dropped me off. Pac-Man Jones? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go bananas sucks. Dude, yeah, no, go bananas rules. It's like our own little, like, I don't know. I've hung at the Cellar a couple times, and it's like, you know, the Cellar's like the epitome of New York

going in and doing the hang and having, you know. If you know the people, and like, go bananas is like independently owned little, it's got its own cool little niche-y shit, you know the people and like go bananas is like uh independently owned little it's got its own cool little niche shit you know what i mean like if you're a comic you can go up to the pond and smoke a joint before you're sad or like it's got all these weird little avenues and alleyways in that little it's a charm yeah it's an absolute charm pond yeah you should have came up with it it's the equivalent of like of a hipster bar in Brooklyn as opposed to an actual bar

where everybody truly knows each other. Yeah, yeah. And there's the camaraderie that it's fucking beautiful. And our scene's really tight. We all like each other. Yeah. There's not a lot of scene drama. That's the rarest thing. Yeah, yeah. Every comic you meet, I actually be a cool person. Well, yeah, and everybody wants to hang and they're

not like, you guys are all you guys popcast that's the character that's you why are you not in this why do you not get it no i think it's so much more interesting get in the no this is fun they're gonna be mad that you're not part of this. I'm in a tank top, Chris. So what? Hello, Fresh. Hello, Fresh. Guys, Hello, Fresh is great.

It's an at-home delivery. They deliver stuff. They deliver food to you. They're like, the meals are very good. You can get chicken. You can get fish. You can get steak.

They'll send you whatever you want. They're pre-portioned. They're pre-portioned. They're pre-portioned. Yeah, so you don't waste a bunch of ingredients and stuff. Which I just fucking did, which now you're understanding. Really? Yeah, because you have to go and you have to buy a shit ton of fucking parsley. Look at all the shit I wasted.

Yeah. That's not even half of it. You got to buy 8,000 pounds of bay leaves. True. Hibiscus leaves. I bought a three pound bag of hibiscus leaves by accident. Really? Yeah. I thought it was going to come in a little pouch. Hibiscus leaves. You never get them. I bought a three pound bag of hibiscus leaves by accident. Really? Yeah.

I thought it was going to come in a little pouch. Hibiscus leaves? Yeah, I'm doing cocktails for Look at Dish. Oh, okay. So I want like a little. See, this is what's great about HelloFresh. Yeah. Everything comes proportioned.

Yeah. You got three garlic cloves? Yeah. They're going to give you three garlic cloves. They're not going to give you a whole. Yeah, yeah. But you got to use the thing a lot, the garlic masher, which is fun. The press.

Yeah. Yeah. It's mashing. What people don't know is you're going to make a HelloFresh. I am going to make a HelloFresh. You're going to watch me do that. Step by step. Yeah.

And believe me, when you see me do that, you'll realize how easy it is to cook with that. Exactly. You're going to have such confidence, and I hate it. Because it's like training wheels, which is great. Yeah, yeah. But that's just a good- It's still tough though because the thing about everything is just knowing when it's cooked.

Temperature. Timing and temperature, baby. Good big chicken. They always tell you, but you never know whether it's hot or whatever. It's true. Look, you get 50% off if you go to hellofresh.com slash stuffisland50. Get HelloFresh, it's good. Plus.

You save a bunch of money, you learn how to cook. You cook the stuff that tastes good so you look good doing it. You know, also if you're in a relationship or something, it's fun. It's a way to come together and connect. You don't have to spend so much time going to the grocery store and thinking about stuff and stressing and getting mad. You just open it, pull out the stuff, chop it up. If you burn

something, that's fun. Most things come to sexual tension here. And I think HelloFresh, no, you look great. What are you looking at your body for? I didn't mean sexual tension sexual conversations like hello fresh is great for a person that can't cook and Don't tell her Don't tell her that this all these ingredients came portion all out of the packaging and open the fridge and be like what do we got? There's just an empty pizza hot box.

I'm just going to try to mix something together here. One old jar of relish, but then all the ingredients. Thank God I had that one garlic clove. I only have a ribeye. What am I going to do with this beautiful ribeye? That's HelloFresh.com slash Stuff Island 50 for 50% off. Go there. Type in the thing, and get it. Get laid.

Dude, I can't. I've been... Do you ever do that when you're on the road? Do you ever walk into your hotel room and act like you got sniped and fall onto the bed? No. I'd like fucking legitimately, and I say this seriously, I've grinked my neck doing that. I've walked into my hotel room and been like... And fell onto my bed. Dude. Trying to sell it, man. I'm gearing my neck doing that. I walked into my hotel room and like, and fell onto my bed.

Dude. Trying to sell it, man. I'm gearing up for this role. This role. I fucked my neck up when we were taking an Uber home and I had to get into the back seat because other people were loading in. I went, I just like went over.

I was like drunk and I went over the back and landed in the back seat and like fucking, no joke, like snapped my neck. And I was like, oh, it still hurts. This was like six months ago. Dude, you might need to go to a chiropractor. I feel like we only have like 89, 90 episodes.

Maybe 10 of the episodes. I have to turn like this. Oh, yeah, yeah. How'd you get all grinked out? I don't fucking, I can't have... You cut hair, you're in perfect shape. It doesn't stretch. I can't have a... I got a massage once. I had this

fat-boned Bulgarian walk along my spine. She held on to a water pipe. It was nuts. She was banging herself. I swear to God. I was like, this is going to be great. They're going to play waterfalls and shit.

The lighting will be perfect. It was blasted like waterfalls and shit. The lighting will be perfect. It was blasted like a college dorm room. And the lighting was nuts. And she's just like, you can't. And then she just started touching my shit. And I was like, ah. Like the knots are so deep. Yeah.

And it hurts. I've never let a human touch me. It's crazy. What? I've never got a massage. It sucks, dude. Just because you don't want one? Dude, My mom

My mom and my aunts Fucked me up when I was a kid Same They're Touching you Touching me Yeah They walked along the pipes

That's what we call molestation My mother walked along the pipes Yeah my mom walked the pipes A couple times She rode the rails You turn You click back And I'm fully sobbing

No no When I was a kid In a Bangladesh accent Yeah I'm fine When I was a kid... In a Bangladesh accent. Yeah, I'm fine. When I was a kid, I was like, I'm the oldest. And a lot of me is Italian. Though, we got a 23 in me back. I'm 1 to 11% Ashkenazi Jew.

Nice. Yeah, yeah. Cut. Can we... How much was your Uber? I'll fucking reimburse you You get off that couch right now At least you can't get COVID

The guys that make the jeans? I think so They make baby jeans Because they eat their penis heads That's true I mean Cut it No leave that

Let's fucking expose the Oshkosh juice for making baby Jews eat penis heads. How do you not know what that is? That's what they do. It's calamari for juice. They're not eating penis heads. Jesus Christ. I used to run around like this.

You're wearing that shirt. Have some fun. Yeah. Lighten up. Yeah, dude. I used to. Lighten up. Lighten up.

Don't get the idea of getting a plate. Baby Jew penises? Yeah, dude. I used to... Brighten up. Brighten up, man. Don't get the idea of getting a plate. Baby Jew penises? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Little maranac? Fried foreskins. Hoo! You think they're chewy or what?

Let them cook, dude. Let them cook. So anyway, they used to touch my back. Yes. My mom and my aunts used to have long nails, and I'd run through the house as a little kid With no shirt on and they'd be like And when I was a kid I'd be like

And now whenever I'm with a woman intimately And you know when you're like laying with a girl And you'll be like on your stomach talking to her And she'll be like naked on your butt You know like hole to hole with a woman And she's like rubbing your back I turn into fucking I turn into one of those machines at hillbilly yeah get out of there the mechanical

bull i'm like get off me bitch yeah yeah you know it's like she's like you can't get close to a woman that's just get away from me oh dude what are you my mom you got to commit to that yeah my girl had a hard time scratching my back to start, and that's my love language. Why, because it's so hard she would chip a nail? I like that. Sick. I like that. Why don't you support me like this, dude? No, she's like... He's not talking about fucking calamari dicks.

Baby dicks. That rules. Dude, that rules. Clip it. But she had a hard time, like, the same thing. She had, like, an experience with, like, her mom scratching her back, and she got, like, a weird thing about it. But now, like, I need that.

I require a back rub. I rub my boys' backs. Whoa. Nails. Weird. Just hands. A guy is always skin to skin because they don't got the nail. They should be.

Yeah. If they're not. That's an identifier. That's how you pick them out. Sitting like an artist. Yeah. Yeah. If they're not. That's an identifier. That's how you pick them out. Sitting like an autist. Yeah. I, uh... Yeah.

Dude, that's... Dude, this is nuts. I'm so sorry, but that's nuts, dude. That's... It's how he's sitting. How have you been concentrating? If that was in my viewpoint, that would be... That's good.

That's how... That's good. Air out them nookies, dude. If I sat on this podcast like this... So anyway, my mom kind of just fucked me up. She's rubbing her nails on my back. I thought that was close to a woman. Now I don't like when a woman touches my back.

That's a crazy sit. That blew my hip flexor out. Oh, dude, I can't. I'm destroyed. Can you give me another paper towel please there's only 20 minutes left of the kings of comedy i can't i don't fucking peel off my forehead it's dog shit this is nice put it on here this is good material you are you are fucking suede it's nice in here well you're getting blasted the ac yeah he's over there distance over here is your door? That could be a thing. It's open.

The air's on too, right? Oh. We ordered an air conditioner. 18,000 BTUs. Now we're talking. They had two guys come in with a fucking hand cart to deliver his pig.

It's too big for the windy. Really? Yeah. So now I gotta get two guys to come back out. Why didn't you get one of those hoseboy suckers?

That's what we might do. Yeah. Because we do cooks in the kitchen and I think we're gonna drag that pipe through And then What?

Drag it through the kitchen? God forbid We actually talk for real What'd I do? What'd I do? I look at his eyes He starts smiling I haven't done my conversation

I had a sentence I was gonna to say. It was going to be perfect. Dude, I was watching this show. Ferg, our trainer, recommended this show, Silo. It's on Apple TV, so I started watching it. Dude, it's literally like it's like a dystopian

thing where everyone lives just in one silo. There's a scene where they have to repair the generator in the basement of this thing and it's clear the writers don't know anything about machinery. Are you making fun of me?

Well, that's literally what it's like. I know how to work in AC. You pay six maxiskins to put it in the windy. Power on. Walk away. And wait. Walk away and freeze. Call your coke dealer, jerk off until it gets cold.

Which should be instant. If he's on time. Oh, my God, yeah. You stalled out at tubes from the windows. You're like, we're going to take one in the tube in the window. No, no, no. I didn't stall out. I looked into it, and apparently the outsides of the tube are very delicate.

So if I need to move it from here to the kitchen, to the side room, you can get a little Ripski, and you can't just put duct tape over it. It gets all fucked. I had one, yeah. Oh, yeah? I fucking blew the chute off the back, moving it to my cat. He seemed like he was getting too hot. Your cat?

Yeah, he's dead now. But he... Kept pitching about the AC. He scratched my shoes, so I shot it. No, I had diabetes, so I shot him. But he... Your cat had diabetes? He had diabetes.

Diabetes, cat style. Oh, my God. Wilford Brimley's disease. Was he fat? No, I mean... Check your blood sugar. He was a normal cat. Check Diabetrious, cat style. Oh, my God. Wilford Brimley's disease. Was he fat? No, I mean, he was a normal cat. Check it often. Too many sweets. Wilford Brimley.

Dude, I'm a fucking jingle king. I know all the jingles from commercials. Go ahead. Yeah. I know them all. Okay. That's Wilford Brimley's. Which one?

Check your blood sugar. Check it often. That's not a jingle, man. That's the end. He didn't sing it yeah he wasn't like the jingle needs to be saying no he was yeah that's a great one they got the the jingle doesn't doesn't have to be music it's a powerful statement to end it's a tag wilford brimley tag yeah also equal to a jingle. Nope. You said it eloquently.

You guys want to get something to eat? I'm starving. Yeah, I can't die of diabetes, but I blew the chute out trying to get it over to him quick. I used to live in this. Just ripped it right in half? Yeah. No, I popped it, and then it ripped, because it is pretty jank. So you got to hit it with, you got to get the black duct tape. Don't get the silver like a fucking hillbilly. Yeah, yeah, electrical it with you got to get the black duct tape don't get the silver like a fucking electric yeah yeah electrical

not the black duct tape it's better oh yeah well white or get rainbow no obviously depends on what month yeah June obviously black sun tape looks better yeah it's gonna be summer boy there's a lot of people getting a lot of mileage out of that. Can you imagine? Every bar you go to, someone's like, gay. And you're like,

did you see? It's like a barista talking about the heat. It's like, dude, shut the fuck up. You can tell this joke every day to everybody? Yeah. They lost a lot of money, huh? Turns out. I guess so, yeah.

Turns out. I guess so. Give me Turns out. I guess so. Give me a break. This thing's on fire. You're fired. Well, I did it again. Boy, yeah, nobody. Yeah.

So, what do you think, Bud Light? They lost a lot of money, huh? I'll take my answer off the air. What was your drink of choice? Are they back? Did they get back or no? I mean, I'll drink celebratory. But I don't really, I don't really, I don't like the way I feel the next day, man.

Yeah. I'm getting older. Yeah. And it's like, dude, I feel all fucking, excuse my language, grinked out the next day. And I'm like, you know, they're like, oh, I'm like sweat. I'm not, not normally an anxious, sweaty guy. I'm like the next day after I put one down, I'll put, I like Stella's a lot. And like Heineken, I like the green bottle stink beers.

Yeah. And I'll drink those things. And then like the next day I got diarrhea. I'm anxious. I'm walking around. I'm like. Yeah. You ever tried drinking a beer that wasn't made by European Pilsner?

Yeah, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had all kinds. Also those beers that you get. I've had all kinds. Also those beers that you get. I've had all kinds of beers. Let me tell you something. I've had a lot. It's all the same.

Well, I just feel like whatever booze is doing to my body the next day, I'm not very psyched. Yeah. Yeah. So I just get higher than shit. Yeah. And then I have a night. How long did it take you to get to the...

So this packaging right here is for you. Oh, wow. My girl left this for you. What is it? It's a weed gift. It's a spliff. You hear that? Nice.

A little weed gift. Very nice. Tell her I said thank you. Yeah, I will. Dude, that rules. Yeah, I just get... I got a weed pen from a dispensary here. And I mean mean it will absolutely

rip your dick off i don't want it okay it's really good yeah i was sitting in the park the other day just ripping that thing and i was just like isn't it fucking weird that some people are just garbage man that's what i was thinking about yeah yeah his voice he's pushing his voice on me yeah and i'm starting to come around. Yeah. I was just being like, birds are... I mean, what kind of life is that? Do you write on weed?

Yeah. Have you ever seen my fucking act? No. Oh, yeah. No. Yeah, that's the kind of stuff. Watch my special on YouTube. There you go.

It's called For the Room. Yeah. Let's go. Helium me. We never remembered a plug. You filmed at Helium? At Philly Helium. Nice.

Yeah, yeah. That's a good move. Those boys hooked me up. That was Argo Bananas. Yeah, yeah. That place fucking rules. Yeah. Yeah.

That was the first one, and there wasn't other Helium, so it was kind of like that vibe. Dude, that's crazy how I got that special. I made fun of the dude that owns all the heliums. With the Grossmans? Yeah. Yeah. He was up in the room in Indianapolis, like, checking on another helium. Yeah.

And I was headlining this upstairs room. And he was just a guy standing on the wall. Yeah. You know... Which one? The tall one or the short one? Mark. Okay, the short one.

Do you know why he's shorter than his brother? No. He didn't eat enough penises of the children. Oh, is that true? I mean, they're going to pull it down. That's not true. Tommy's just trying to get a special comment. He's trying to get his own comment.

I love the gross ones. He was just standing. It's very funny. Of course you do. They rule. But he was just standing on the wall. Why is Chris Bean so tight about it? I know.

Why is he so worked up about it? It is so funny I do genuinely think They talk about a high thought I'd be like What do they do With all the tips of those dicks? Where are they going? Are they making them

Into like a big Big jacket Like Joseph and They're not making them Into anything That would be sick That's what you think Yeah

Dude Yeah Like the American Soldiers in Vietnam Making fucking into anything. That would be sick. That's what you think. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. Like the American soldiers in Vietnam making fucking necklaces with the children of Vietnamese. Yeah.

Yeah, the ears. Wait, they're making necklaces out of kids? Kids' ears. Okay. Yeah. Okay. That's a heavy necklace.

Look, it's important to have a hobby You gotta stay busy out there It's not all action That's right, Gary Now suck my cock Oh, man Dude, my spotsworth is dying away, dude

The throw-up scene in that Good work, team Now head back to base for debriefing and cocktails What does she say when he goes out? Get out of the street, you fucking bop. That scene sent me into fucking hysteria. I literally couldn't breathe. The first 45 minutes of Team America is the funniest piece of art

that I've ever seen in my life. It's also funny watching the making of and they like hated every minute of it yeah well they were already they were like

why the fuck did we choose to do this with puppets dude it's so good in the beginning I'm like this movie's shit and then it pans out to better puppets

and I'm like why this is so brilliant dude you're shittier puppets to be puppets. Shout out to Health Park. Yeah. Who's our sponsor this week?

I don't know. Those are the kind of high thoughts I have. Like that garbage man thing. Yeah, dude. And the birds. Yeah. Whenever I get stoned, I go, oh, man. There's so much that I don't know.

Dude, sometimes I'll have like a. There's so many lives being lived I can't even think about. Oh, yeah. And here I'm getting high. Wasting my time. What's the nerve I have. I know. Yeah, yeah.

I know. I'll sit there and think about just, I'll try to perceive people, and then I'll freak out oh yeah oh yeah i'll get too high and like i'll watch somebody like walking towards me i'm like what's this guy's problem he probably hits his fucking wife you know what i mean yeah like in my mind i'm like look at this piece of shit you could tell by the way his face is all grinked out that he always yells at his kids yeah and then like 20 minutes later i'm like oh my god what do people think about me why am i so judgmental

I'm not fucking perfect you start going to that place where it's like maybe he can't control the fact that he's a kid something happened to him and then you're like he's got a disease man you're somewhere in the 1940s thinking about his life dude 2 out of 10 conversations in an Uber

or Lyft are so wonderful if you meet the right guy and the connection you have, it's unbelievable. Yeah. It's like going to a random bar and you have just access to that person. And you start talking about life and real shit. Yeah. You get out and you're like, you're getting a tip. Because you just made my heart skip, baby.

Dude, that's when you judge a tip on. You're getting a tip. Because you just made my heart skip, baby. That's when you judge a tip on. You got damn right. Hey, man, you better make me change. Yes. You don't get nothing. Make me feel something. Yeah. I'm already paying you too much.

At least make me feel like, fuck you. Yeah. There's a waitress at Skyline in Cincinnati. Skyline Chili in Cincinnati. Is that a strip joint? Yeah, yeah. It's a strip joint. No, it's a strip joint. No, it's a chili parlor.

A chili bar? Chili bar. They serve chili? It's like a chili restaurant. You sit in front of a bunch of naked women and just shit your brain. You're like, it stinks in here. Oh my God. No, it's a regular restaurant. But we put chili on spaghetti or whatever.

Wait, stop fucking doing that. What? Talking over you. You put chili on spaghetti or whatever Wait, stop fucking doing that Talking over You put chili on spaghetti? Yeah, that's our thing You guys know how you guys You guys got like a You guys, cheesesteak Yeah, yeah

We got chili on spaghetti Okay It's more like a sauce It's great Some people hate it I'm from there It is It is

If you have an iced coffee And a three-way, you're just running on shit. Just Chris Stern in a Cleveland hotel going... Chili on spaghetti does feel like one of those things that was reverse-engineered. What's no one else

doing? It's like a Greek meat sauce. I don't know. They make this whole thing. It's not Greek. Yeah,'t know. They make this whole thing. So there's one lady. Yeah, it is. Chili's Greek? No, our chili is. The recipe for whatever it is. It's from Greeks?

Yeah, Greeks. They're stealing from the Italians. Greeks did it. I agree. Greeks didn't do it. Greeks stole it. I agree. I'm fucking fired up.

The Greeks are older than Italians. Take it easy on the Greeks. Greeks are what? Older than Italians. You mean as people? Yeah. fired up. The Greeks are older than Italians. Take it easy on the Greeks. Greeks are what? Older than Italians. You mean as people? Yeah. Shut up. They came an hour before?

Like a twin? This is my brother Daniel. He was born at 1138. I didn't come out until 1140. We're all the same fucking monkey. Tell me about your Greek diarrhea. God, he's pissed. I am so mad.

I'm so upset. You pissed him off. Now he's ripping a vape at 42. 43. Okay, sorry. I'm 40 in two weeks. I'm fucking 40. Just dabbing my top lip.

We're done. There's this waitress that works at a Skyline. Jesus. And she has a ponytail. Yeah, there's a... Okay, sorry. She's got a ponytail? Dude, every time he says... I work at the Chili Spaghetti place. Oh my God.

What does she look like? A mailbox? She looks like a mailbox. You got it. You nailed it immediately. I'm sorry. So now that I... She looks like a mailbox. You got it. You nailed it immediately. I'm sorry. She looks like remember that old toy from when you were kids? What was it called? My Pet Monster?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so that's her, but she's not blue. She's got white skin. And she walks up. She's all grinked out, and this is appropriate. And she walks up. She's like, we're going to get you out of Dallas. But when she walks away, she's all grinked out, and this is appropriate, and she walks up and she's like, we're going to get you out of Dallas. But when she walks away, she has a

tiny braided ponytail. I mean, it's got to be this fucking long hair. She's got long hair, but somebody like cinched it when they did it. And it goes all the way past her asshole, and I think about as many times as that thing is dipped into her butthole.

I want to smell the end of it, Tom. Yeah. Oh, my God. And that's why she gets the big tips from me. Oh, my God. Yeah, because I'm like, she got that stink tip. There's got to be some days where she leaves the house and she smells the tip and she's like, oh, fuck.

She's like, oh, fuck me. Forgot to fucking wash it. Oh, not my tail again. Oh, my God. Oh, God, my tail reeks. I can't go to my mom's funeral like this. The only way she knows there's like a pack of Rottweilers following her, trying to smell her fucking tail.

Cat's like, yeah, there's a bunch of birds dive bombing it. Picking at it. Yeah. Holy shit. Her father owns an auto body shop, just tightens it herself. Picking at it. Yeah. Holy shit. Her father owns an auto body shop just tightens it herself.

Her dad's dead. Her dad definitely died. It has to be. Yeah, yeah. Why else would you do that? Chilly shit and accident. Do they port-a-potties

like indoors there? We had just regular plumbing. Yeah. You guys have to shit in a tarp and wrap it up like a fucking one of those

bug funny things. Yeah, we use disposable toilets. Yeah. You guys have to shit in a tarp and wrap it up like a fucking... Yeah. Like one of those Bugs Bunny things. Oh, my God. Yeah, we use disposable toilets. Yeah. They're cardboard. You just shit and kick it over. I'm like, get out of here. One time use.

It's like a mass grave. You flush the whole toilet. You dig holes. You flush the whole toilet. Yeah. The ground opens up. It's fucking a rack in the back. You're just burning it.

The dude from Bangladesh is like, I understand. I also dig holes. I got to piss. Did you see that flight, that Pakistan, the flight from Pakistan to London? Dropped 4,000 feet. Let's go! Woo! Is that what happened?

No, no, no. This one was like, I guess it was a bunch of Pakistani people on it. One of the stewardess filmed the cabin after the flight. And they didn't know how to use the bathroom. They were just shitting in toilet paper and fucking just throwing it on the floor. In the seats? Yeah, dude. No.

There was garbage everywhere. There was shit on the toilet like the closed lid they were just like I guess this thing does it that's wild dude yeah it was bad what do you do you fucking blow that

plane up fly into the tower. Man, as soon as I said, what do you do? I was like, yeah, that's what you do.

Yeah. You let that plane land. You get everybody off safely. And then you just torch it with gasoline and set it on fire. And you're like, all right, that one's done. That one's done.

That one we don't need anymore. Is everybody off? There's nothing with a heartbeat? All right. Let's light it up. Use the fuel left in the tank. So they were just in a flying toilet. Oh, yeah.

Why do we have to do it? Why do you have to shit and piss so fucking much? I don't know. I mean, this is what I ever shit on a plane. Oh, yeah. Why do we have to shit piss so fucking much? I don't know. I mean, this is what... You ever shit on a plane? Oh, yeah. What? Yeah. Oh, dude, I can't. I need to stretch out and get my shirt off. You can do that on a plane. Well, you can't stretch out really,

but you can take your shirt off. I can shit like this. Hold. Jesus! I need to scream. Imagine the poor guy in the fucking porta potty Dropping 4,000 feet So a lot of people like broke their fucking limbs They weren't buckled in They get slammed to the You know What?

He's talking about it again No but I'm saying like imagine if you were taking A fucking smash Yeah, there was like 17 injuries. He's talking about it again. This wasn't the Pakistani shit play. No, but I'm saying, imagine if you were taking a fucking smash on an airplane. It drops 4,000 feet. You're just dumping everywhere. You're in the fucking...

Your neck's like... Yeah, you're in the grabber trunk. Your dick's out. I never want to fall down while my dick is out in my life. Out of respect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, man.

Keep my ass away if I'm falling. What makes a fall embarrassing is when an ass comes out yeah yeah if you see a fat guy go down and his ass comes out you're like oh jesus yeah hilarious kill him shoot him i would rather shit in public for sure ma'am yeah big fan of this is a conscious choice big fan of the coin drop into a fucking a plumber ass what yeah Remember as a kid, you'd throw a coin in some dude's ass crack? Oh, yeah, no, we never did that.

Just walk around with one of those ramps. One of those circle things at the mall. Trying to push more coins this way. You spend $1,000 getting 75 cents.

You're like, it's going to drop, dude. There's only one more. You put a quarter in someone's exposed ass crack. Yeah, some fucking dude's dumb. You're going to drop, dude. There's only one more. You've put a quarter in someone's exposed ass pack. Yeah. Some fucking dude's dumb. You're going to fucking air it out.

I'm going to toss a coin. Is it like a wishing well? Gets me all, yeah. I wish, and then I'll just become like the owner of an auto body shop. I wish this guy would be my dad. This one's mine. Up there, that's their time. Inch of luck.

Down here, that's our time. This dude's at the Ponderosa with half his ass out. I'm like, this will work. I'll get the Jordan 7s. I wish I could be a man like you, sir. That is... God, talk about one of those, like, fucking trick videos.

Son of a fucking bitch. Who was that? Who was that? Who was that? You did that? The kid? Come here. If you could capture that on video, that'd be the most viral reel of all time.

Dude, it's nuts. It's nuts. The thought of thinking, like the temperature change when your actual ass crack is out. Oh my God. It's the equivalent of your bird hanging out. It's evaporative cooling.

You should be fucking whacked into existence going, oh shit. Yeah, yeah. And dudes have four inches out. And women. These fucking monsters walking around with four inches. It's like getting an ice bath. That's a win in the Super Bowl. Do you know what I mean?

It's an ice bath. I know, right? You don't feel that? It's a temperature gauge. I'd never have my butt crack out. Of course you didn't. Never. I wear a belt.

Out of respect. Out of respect for the general public. Of course you didn't. Never. I wear a belt. Out of respect. Out of respect for the general public. For the Ponderosa. Yeah. I would love to see the, like, if they could do an actual, like, scientific experiment where they're measuring a plumber's body temperature. Yeah. He wants his ass exposed.

How much his body feels down. Drops. Man, this guy's dropped 20 degrees. Yeah. It's like a hipster bartender taking his beanie off in the summer. It's like you're back to normal, dude. Stay there. Yeah, the beanie in the summer is unforgivable.

I haven't seen it in a while. My least favorite look is the beanie that shows part of your hair and then it dips down beyond your neck. Yeah. You fucking pussy. It's like Adebisi from Oz. Oz. The show Oz? Dude, I haven't seen Oz. You know Adebisi from Oz Oz the show Oz I don't remember that look

but Oz was unbelievable Adebisi was the big African I don't remember him wearing it he wore that tiny hat and he was the scary man yeah he was the scariest guy in jail if it's a big black guy you're not going to say anything.

You're going to be like, that's a good look. Yeah, and I think somebody tried to snatch his hat in an episode, and then that guy got butt-fucked by him. Yes. Whoa. Yeah. They're butt-fucking people in Oz? Oh, yeah.

Big time, brother. Bro, Oz is the shit. What's your first go-to if you get to prison? What? What's your first go-to? What are you saying to me? What's your first go-to if you get to prison? What? What's your first go-to? What's your first go-to if you get to prison? Like my go-to What's your move?

There's always this hack shit like I hit the fucking biggest, shut up You're not doing that Number one, I'm so scared Nobody's going to want to buttfuck me because I've been shitting water for 13 hours That's a good move though That's the move. Because I'm too nervous.

You order chili on spaghetti and you start diarrhea-ing everywhere. I'm like, can I have my stately cuisine, please? The voice. I don't know. I think I just try to kind of like. His voice is the same for every guy. So an old lady walks in. Can I please?

That's a good old lady. It works. I don't know, yeah. So an old lady walks in. Can I please? That's a good old lady. It works. I don't know, man. I think I just got to try to find the flow, you know? Yeah. Find where I fit in. Am I the guy that's going to have to put lipstick on and suck all my boys? No.

No. No, you got to make them giggle. I think I got to become like wise. You're a man's man, though, dude. Yeah, yeah. Visually, you're a man's man. You'd be fine. Start playing fucking spades.

I don't want my guys to make me prove it. You know what I mean? I would paint myself the color of the wall. I don't want to beat up some guy. That's why we hate it. Because there's a bunch of fucking theater dorks and CrossFit nerds trying to make you earn it.

It's like, no, I can have your asshole at any moment. Now. I can fuck you in the ass right now. In prison, though. To get five minutes on this open mic. I can fuck your ass. I'm cutting. I'm cutting.

Yeah. Go get me a bag of chips from the dispensary. Or I'm going to make your asshole look like a deflated baby pool. God damn it, Tom. Guys. Dude, you know what? I think I would be the guy that makes the knives. I would want to be like the armory.

Craftsman. Yeah, because then nobody would fuck with me if I had a bunch of little toothbrushes and I was like, come over here. This one will... Someone breaks into your cell and kills you with your own knives. That's fine. That would be so sad.

How long am I in prison for? How long am I in prison? In this scenario? Seven years. I'd say seven. It's going to take three years to get to woodwork. You have to prove yourself to be good-natured. What am I in prison for?

What? What am I in prison for? Don't. I shouldn't have asked you. You came in second place in a chili spaghetti contest, and you strangled somebody's wife. Oh, strangling a woman? Yeah. Then I'm, like, probably the king in there.

Well, she choked on her own spaghetti chili. Oh, so that's why I got out early. It's second-degree manslaughter. Okay. Yeah. Then I'm just like, they fucked me, guys. Yeah. And these guys are like, yeah, we can't buttfuck that guy.

He's not, like, a violent guy. He's not like a violent guy. He's only in here for seven years. Yeah, I'd probably just end up being like a guy that like fucked around and told guys they like looked good when they worked out. Yeah. Well. What? I would be getting, I'd be, yeah, I'd be hiding.

Oh, you're like Harry? I'd be hiding as much as possible, dude. Religious study, getting extra degrees or something. You'd be muzzy immediately, dude. Whatever it took. Yeah extra degrees or something. You'd be muzzy immediately, dude. Whatever it took. Yeah, you'd have a fucking muz cap on. You think you'd go white muz? Well, that's five times a day. They can't kill you.

That's a lot of study, dude. You're in the library so often. You can't be raped. I don't think I would go for a religion that's so.... You can't be raped. I don't think I would go for a religion that's so, like, too, you know. Regimental? No, it's like, it's very in adverse to the people that don't like that religion in there.

Yeah. I think I'd have to pick, like, I'm Greek Orthodox, and I go five times, and nobody would know what you were talking about. They'd be like, you got to praise all the fucking time. No, you got to squad up. Plus, I would look bad in one of those hats. Your guy's problem is you look too white and you have to pick a side.

Yeah, you'd have to go Nazi. Oh no! I think that's what you have to do. You'd replace your eyebrows for little S's. You guys would be not stuff. That's perfect for me. I finally get eyebrows. Dude, and then seven years later, I get out.

I got a tattoo. It's got four sevens with their butts touching. Hey, guys, where's the open mic? Welcome to my restaurant. We serve spaghetti with chili. God, I got to get out quick. You can hide all that shit in your tattoos. Yeah, that's true. I wish I would have never got them. Really? Yeah. God, I got to get out quick. You can hide all that shit in your tattoos. Yeah, that's true.

I wish I would have never got them. Really? Yeah. I wish I started. I was 19. No, you don't. Good for you. I believe that too, but I have a fascination with the shit.

How old are you? 39. Yeah, I'm 43. So in the 90s, if you had a tattoo, you were an actual piece of shit. Yeah, yeah. You were a true piece of shit. Well, when I started getting tattoos, you were looked at kind of like a piece of shit just like in the last 10 years it was like now it's cool baristas with lotus flowers on their throats

shut up yeah yeah you got a fucking what was that lotus fish what's the fucking what's the fish koi fish yeah shut up pussy koi arm yeah. Give me a cold brew black. I'll put cream in there, you fucking koi. Muscadine tats. You're a fucking corny pussy. You're a computer programmer. Yeah, you are an absolute pussy. But guys from the neighborhood that had the tattoos at a young age were bad motherfuckers. Yeah.

And you can't just start at 35. You can. But I do. No, it's gay shit. It looks desperate to start old. It is very desperate. You know what I mean? You already got a gal, though.

I want it all. I want it like Beckham. Like, I want the fucking, I like the palm shit. Yeah, I like the hands. I want it on the side of my neck. You can do that. It would be so fucking corny. You're actually a guy though too if you

didn't really do the dumb shit that dudes do at when they get older and get tattoos you would be fine like you know guys that get tattoos they like shave their arms and they butter them up and they butter out their neck and then they walk in and their tattoos are like they're like shining on people yeah If you just got tattoos and then let your arm hairs grow and shit, nobody would know you just got them. I like that like Americana style. What's it called? American traditional. American traditional.

I like that. It's like this shit. Yes. Yes. American traditional. It's got an old guy with a pitchfork and his wife. It's a back piece. Yeah, I got American traditional.

It's like, Jesus, that's a painting. I want to get a koi fish with the Route 66 sign going through his fucking neck. Lean down to my belly button. It's going to have a ring. A little jewel. And that's how I asked her to marry me. Just get Jackson Pollock's sleeve. Yeah, we should all get our belly buttons pierced.

We should. That'd be sick, dude. Yeah. Get a chain with a fairy hanging off it. Yeah. We all get just a six. Take my shirt off at the beach. Triple sixes.

Covering your whole belly button. Just a giant fucking wad of six. I'm just going to get a moon on my foot. I like that. Oh, you're going to get a moon tattoo on your foot? Yeah, it's deep, dude. Do you got any? No.

Man. That'd be sick getting the Milky Way. That's crazy that you don't have one bad one. I know. Believe me, I've come close. But I just, I don't trust myself. I have no faith in myself of any kind. Getting the Milky Way from the back of your neck all the way to your asshole?

And it like drifts? What do you got? A Pokemon tattooed on you somewhere? Nothing. Wow. All right. What do you got? You've got something.

He looks like he just got out of the pool. It's adorable, dude. You look like a five-year-old. It's crazy. He's the only one of us who's had a busy day and we're still over here. He's worked his dick off. He's the only one of us who's been a busy day. He's worked his dick off. He's the only one of us who's been up.

Anyone can get it in this room. Do you have anything to plug? What, you play with Legos all day? You fucking... Sure, yeah. Meanwhile, I'm just looking up tattoos I'll never get. God, is that a tiger? Oh.

Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, get your life, dude. The worst, most embarrassing fucking story. I got all fucked up. oh do you know what I'm saying yeah get your life the worst most embarrassing fucking story I got all fucked up I was like 22 years old and I was like

the same like passion with like I need a tattoo yeah yeah and I was like I was big into Miami Ink remember that show yeah dude so

big into it big miss an episode I was dude I was crushing my you'd be on a date you'd be like holy shit

is it 830 get the fuck away from me yeah I got an idea why don't you go home I got a show and I I

I emailed the bald dude with the beard cause I I like this style god you were into it and I thought of this I thought of this idea.

I was like, dude, my father's the patriarch. He's the man, dude. And I want to honor him by getting a back piece. Oh, man. I know, it gets worse. So I looked up lions. It's always so bad, dude. Dude, it's so bad.

I Google imaged lion pics. And I was like, this is the guy that can do it If any artist can do it He can pull it off Like a portrait Yeah And it's a lion with scars on his face And I was like my dad's upbringing

And what he's been through And it's like going through Like he's in the marsh Lions aren't in marshes Whatever It's tall grass He't in marshes. Whatever. Not a marsh. But it's tall grass. Tall grass.

He's in tall marsh grass. Marsh! You don't put chili on spaghetti! And I sent him this picture, and I give him this, like, email, like, describing my father and what this would mean to me. And I hit fire. And the next morning...

He wrote back, You're gay just an auto response sorry man you're gay like a 23andme I spit in a tube and they're like you're 100% gay obviously I didn't get a response that's unbelievable

that's son of a bitch I see the whole thing because like, I don't know. That tattoo would be cool. I want it top to bottom the entire back. Dude, it would be sick if you, that's the only tattoo you had too. If you're just like talking to people, I walk in here, you're like doing your hair or getting sweaty in the bathroom. And then you turn around and you're like, oh, I'll be out in a second. I'm like, Jesus.

It's a line with scars on its face. It's like, this is for my dad. It're like, oh, I'll be out in a second. I'm like, Jesus. It's a wine with scars on its face. It's like, this is for my dad. He's like, all right. It is this thing too where it's like Irish Catholic East Coast, you're so programmed never to trust divine inspiration of any kind or inspiration of any kind. Anything that truly moves you is like,

yo, chill. Let that pass and then make a choice. So you have that moment. You're like, this is a fucking good idea. And I'm always saying this is not a good idea. I'm so fucking contained. I got to break out. I see the whole night unfolding in front of you.

It's a manifesto, that fucking thing. Dude, wearing colored sneakers was that big. It was that big. It was that profound. I remember getting dressed in my bedroom. They're called African-American sneakers. Take it easy. If I had fucking yellow Chuck Taylors at like six years old, I remember going, I'm going to get fucking destroyed by the time I get to the living room.

See, sure enough. This is eye-opening. Because I never really noticed the difference in people very much. Like, just like in America, you know, we're all Americans or whatever. But what you said is like the opposite of being Midwest.

As soon as you get grinked with inspiration, you're like, let's fucking go. Yeah. Like, as soon as I was 19, I was like, I want tattoos. And then I had two ladies working on me at the same time. That's awesome., I was like, I want tattoos. And then I had two ladies working on me at the same time. That's awesome. You know what I mean? I was like,

you see that rapper that got put down? That's why we're jealous of the tattoos because it's like just having that feeling. I know, I wish I didn't have them. I know, but that's life, dude. That's also like part of what the tattoo's about. And I also went to an all. Impermanent, fleeting. Yeah. This body's not

going to last forever. It's true. Fuck. That's baked into it, dude. You know what I mean? Brother. That was who I was at that time

and that's okay. Yeah, dude. I mean, that shirt was... We have just a bunch of... We're like fucking... We're acting like we're Navy SEALs. Like if someone finds us,

I don't want them to be able to identify me. Yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. You are spitting, dude. Chris, he's spitting, dude. He spits. You got to let him spit. me. Yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. You are spitting, dude. Chris, he's spitting, dude. He spits.

You got to let him spit. Yeah. Let him air it out, dude. I love that. In 10 years, you're going to see this episode and be like, that shirt? That's who I was at that time. This is as close as I get to a tattoo, dude. That's your belly button piercing, dude.

Yeah, are you going to join us on the page? Sure. Let's go. Yeah. Subscribe. Get the Patreon. We never do it. Oh, wait.

I got to plug my podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah. Will you guys please listen to my podcast? It's called... It's called my podcast. It's called... Hi. No, it's called...

It's called Ran so far with Blake we're on YouTube fuck yeah it's fun getting a patreon me and my boy Blake he's another very funny comedian ran so far with Blake

yeah yeah please get in there yeah yeah inshallah let's go