Stuff Island - Stuff Island #92 - Lake Life w/ Robert Kelly

Episode Date: August 2, 2023

- Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Bobby on IG: https://www.instagram.com/robertkellylive/?hl=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I don't know if you had a concussion during your attack. First of all... But you're on a popular couch right now, Bob. No, I'm not saying that. This is a very popular couch. I don't do many podcasts. I know you don't. I appreciate you coming.

I do a lot. I appreciate you risking your life to come to Queens. First of all, I want to tell you something. Which end? Which end is the end? Which end? Jesus. You got to read the...

Yeah, that's a great question. Did you have a dad? Give me this. Yeah. Connecticut. Right here. All right, look at the cigar, right? He scorned tobacco use.

Look, see this part right down here? That part you light. That part you cut. That's already kind of... Yeah, yeah. That's the part you light. So then you can just give a little zippy top cap you want to get off. Here, look at this thing.

Boom, bang. All right, here we go. There you go. There you go, buddy. Let me see that. There you go. Watch out. Can I use that for a weapon?

Dude, I can't wait to hear this fucking story. It would be like Oddjob. You throw that thing. That's a good one. Ready? Let's go. And then you just like a little lend. What's that? You got to flame it out again, right?

No. Don't you do that thing where you blow out? You gas it out at the end. I love that you listened half. You know what I mean? If I knew, if this didn't look so symmetrical,

I would have cut it sick too. I'm a little nervous in this area. You got to bring it down to tone. Put your knuckles on. I don't want to actually... Put your knuckles on. I don't want to mace you by accident. The confidence you have to tell us you have a self-defense bag is such a cute, adorable thing.

Bubba, listen. You know what? I should have known. There was too much fucking alpha juice in this room. When I walked in, you didn't have socks on. And nobody's saying nothing to you. Fuck, dude. I'm taking the fucking thing off the end.

That was to protect you. It's a little wet condom. Thank you. I like to be protected. Yeah, dude, listen. New York City's a shithole. It's fucked up. It's bad. What do you mean? Listen, I have... Alright, here's the up. It's bad. What do you mean? Listen, I have... All right, here's the problem. You know what the problem is? Juice?

You know what the second problem is? Nothing? What, you want to get canceled? Like your fucking landlord? No, we fucking shit on the juice every podcast. People are going to start thinking... Juice are great. Listen, you know what the problem is? The reason why you don't get it? No, we fucking shit on the Jews every podcast. Jews are great.

Listen, you know what the problem is? The reason why you don't get it? Because you guys have nothing to lose. What do you mean? You don't have kids. You don't have a family. You live in a fucking old bordello in fucking Queens with shitty art. What?

You got two twinks running your podcast. You got nothing to lose. These are Boston guys. I don't give a fuck. He's not from Boston. We're apart. Dorchester. All right, what's up, dude?

Sorry about that. What's up, dude? Apologize for both that. Where you from? You should pick me first. Where you from? Westboro. Yeah, beat it.

Sorry about that. You got one twink and a fucking badass from Beantown. What's up, Sox? Fucking joke. All right, you fucking queer. Listen.

No, what I'm saying, you know, I have a son. I have a wife. I'm a landowner. There's things. You don't think they can have fun in New Hampshire without you? Dude, I'm a triple landowner. Triple land. Triple land.

Yeah, what do you got, a fucking plant? No, I don't even own. I'm a triple A on it. Triple A. Triple A. Yeah, what do you got? A fucking plant? No, I don't even own those. They're mine. And watch your tongue. What are you, Larry from Three's Company? Why do you have plants? Fucking loser.

Get a girlfriend, you bitch. No, you're good, John. No, that's good. This is good. Listen, here's the thing. What I'm saying is that... Larry from Three's Company. I is great. Listen, here's the thing. What I'm saying is that... Larry from Freak's Coffee. I fucking love that show, dude.

Listen, you have something to lose now. This guy... Look, if I was your age or new to the city, single, hanging out with all my fucking guy friends like back in the day, I used to get in fights with guys all the time. I don't give a fuck. New York, who gives a shit?

Now, my kids, his life will fucking take a hard left. Maybe he goes right in a good way. Maybe he what? Maybe your wife settles down with somebody else. Maybe your kid starts playing quarterback. You don't think walking around with a bag full of mace is going to affect your kid either?

I'm glad I didn't know what's in the bag. When my dad goes to the city, he goes to the purse. You don't think dad's going to fuck him up? First of all, it's a man satchel. I'll take crossbody, but I'm not taking purse. My Louis Vuitton purse is at my house. I left that. I would never wear that.

I can't imagine Steve Popp would be like, where's my house I left that I would never wear that I can't imagine Steve Pop Would be like Where's my paintball gun I gotta go to the city I know Where is the lighter I don't know

It's running low I was I was on the Whatchamacallit I was going up To do the bonfire From the cellar I was doing something

At the cellar And I got on the L train Over on 14th street And I went the wrong way. Almost bumped into a fucking, didn't bump into him. Almost bumped into this guy. Fucking lost his shit.

Called me a faggot, pussy, queer. He was looking for a fight. Dude, you fucking watch where you're going, you fucking idiot. I went the other way. Literally, he went that way. I went down this way, down the stairs. But my stairs took me back to him. Because, you know, that's God.

And God fucking hates me. I would have loved to have seen your reaction to that. Oh, Christ. You again. The first time in my life I made the right choice. No, you walked, you turned the other cheek. And I did. And then Jesus brought me right back to this guy.

Yeah. Turn it again, pussy. Yeah. And I couldn't. Did he think you were following him? Well, no. He was still saying shit. He was still, bitch, motherfucker.

Still fucking, you know. So I'm from Boston. You guys, where you from, Philly? Where you from? Grew up in Connecticut. So. Cigar making capital of the world. So I just,

I lost it. And I was like, fuck this. That Boston enemy came out. Usually when you bark like that too, they'll fucking see you. It was just a little

barking thing. So I was like, enough! Shut the fuck up! Yeah. Which usually works. That would have been enough. That worked.

It was pretty good. Yeah, it was good. That's how you scare off and here's to Puerto Rican Apparently it doesn't work. I put he was white. We already went through six races. I'm sorry. We're flying. Yeah, I'm sorry. This is good He was white. He was white. No, it was he no You know, do you mind? Are you fucking crazy? So, he comes out. He's like, what the fuck? So, I'm like, all right.

So, we go at it. We're going to fight. What? You're swinging? Yeah. No, well, we both haven't fought. The last time we both fought was before MMA was popular because we both did this. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Fighting Irish. Yeah. Put up your dukes. It was popular because we both did this yeah yeah yeah yeah but we didn't know so he went here and i we kind of did a dance yeah because i was like and then i just pushed him i was like fuck off and i pushed him and his phone fell and kicking on tracks no no no his phone fell and he went to pick it up and he started smiling that's when you kick him in the face Bob I didn't I didn't

no you run well that's when he came back up smiling and I was like alright it's over what are we doing you know

that's when I realized there's two smiles in New York there's this is stupid yeah we're fucking or show me your butthole I'm gonna murder you I'm going to murder you.

I'm going to fucking murder you. No, dude, you got to. Straight up. He probably smiled knowing he was vulnerable. He dropped the phone. That was your best shot. And then he got up and went, oh, now I'm going to fuck you up. He smiled because he knew he had a knife in his bag.

Oh. And that's when he took it. He went like, he took his knife out. He's like, now I'm going to fucking slice you up, bitch. Oh, no. I'm going to stab you. I'm going to kill you. I didn i think murder you i think he said murder and that's when i fucking it's so funny that that's how deep the comedian is in your head the guy's threatening to kill you who says murder i think

he said murder me i'm gonna murder you or something and i i actually said word for word you you're gonna stab me over words second gayest thing i've ever said I actually said, word for word, you're going to stab me over words? Second gayest thing I've ever said. First gayest thing. Is that a cock? Dude, it was. Then I kind of ran at that point.

Because he was going to kill me. This guy was fucking coming at me. And I had a bag with snacks in it, like little healthy snacks. You're like, I got to trade these snacks. But it was the worst. Self-defense weapons. First of all, I did have my Louis Vuitton crossbody, a little bag of healthy snacks,

and I had these bright sneakers with skinny jeans. If I had gotten murdered, the fucking crime scene photo, the headline, gay man stabbed yeah bald man squeezes into 13 year old girl's clothes it made me adjust a couple of things i did change my bag after that yeah so i i started chasing me just slicing me and he sliced the bag a couple times and he was like he kept going I knew you were a fucking pussy. I knew you were queer.

He's got a knife. Yeah. Well, that's what I was saying. I didn't say it at this point. But in my head, I'm like, dude, you got a knife. I was going to fight you. Yeah. I was willing to fight you.

I was willing to go at it. What did you do with your rec specs? You take them off, put them in your pocket? You outran him? I lost some weight. I'm just saying. Listen, fuck you, dude. The tone is what I'm talking about.

Not what you said. How you said it. Are you hanging with my wife? You outran him? Yeah. We weren't in a fucking relay race. I was in a 50-yard dash. It was from here to the door We were running away

The guy was trying to stab me Damn Imagine if you go up the stairs Come back down He's right there again You just can't get out of this For thunder There was no stairs

Were you a cul-de-sac In the train? No I was running around To get to the stairs Cause where he I was trying to get to Where he came down It was on the other side

Of this construction thing So as I was running He threw a kick he came down. It was on the other side of this construction thing. So as I was running, he threw a kick. He threw like some weird fucking sidekick and hit my hand with my phone. So I had a bag of snacks holding my phone and then holding my Louis Vuitton. Wait, wait. How did you get the snacks in your hand after the altercation? Well, he was slicing the bag, right? It was like a little handle bag from Starbucks.

And this is not at a full sprint. This is kind of running back while he's trying to kill me right Jesus so because I got to keep my eye on him and then he kicks me he throws a kick in my kicks my phone on the tracks oh no buddy and I literally went my phone and he's like I'm gonna murder you you. And I swear to God, I went, you kicked my phone on the tracks, man. And he's still slicing. But I'm just holding the bag up at this point. I'm like, what the fuck, man?

My phone. And I just kept saying, my phone's on the tracks. How am I going to get that? Because my phone has my wallet on it, too. It has all my shit on it. So I was like, fucking my phone. I just kept saying that So then he thought

Maybe he thought I was a little crazy Yeah Fucking pussy Bag whatever He kept calling me And then he left And I was like

Fucking my phone I was a little I was definitely Fucked up about the stat Yeah that's But I'm like I got a bad ACL I'm not

You know what I mean The last thing I go down to get my phone, I get hit by a train, and that's how I die. I would have rather died by the hands of a Puerto Rican guy with a knife. That's more honorable. If you cut off all the clothes and take the bag off, a little bit of iron, maybe roll a pack of cigarettes in my sleeve.

You get hit by a train in those clothes. It's like a modern art piece. So he... I don't like your attitude. No, I'm kidding. So then I didn't know how to do it. I couldn't do it. So one of the orange dudes, the orange vest guys,

walking up, I go, dude, this guy just attacked me with a knife. He goes, yeah, I saw it it was crazy laughing why would you want to move to Tampa this is a great story you can't get shit like that here there well in Tampa I'd have a gun

I'd fucking pop him five times send him ass like a navy seal laughing do you ever think about buying a gun do you have a gun no I don't but I want to get my gun. Here's the thing. I did have a knife on me. You don't respect me now?

I do. I respect you a lot. So I had a knife, but I had the wrong knife. I had a knife like you can whittle with. So I would have been like, hang on one sec. No, that's a nail file. You had a utility knife. Give me one sec.

It's a screwdriver. Yeah, yeah. Tweezers? You got tweezers? It was the wrong knife. Tiny scissors. Yeah. So then I'm sitting there trying to figure out,

how do I get this phone? I don't know how. I'm not jumping down. The guy was like, I can't get it. You have to go All the way upstairs Across the street To the booth lady

I go all the way over there I tell her what happened Do you want to press charges I don't I want to go I got the bonfire I got to go do the bonfire Wait this is in the afternoon

This is fucking One o'clock in the afternoon Oh my god I thought you were talking About like one a.m No it was one in the afternoon There was nobody around There was no

There was a bunch of white ladies Came out of nowhere Like these blouses Yeah And they're like Are you okay Do you want us to call Any cops

I was like no Like freaking me out It was really weird Yeah It was around 3 or 4 Of these old white ladies That saw it happen Saw

But didn't Do anything I get it But then came up to me To console me With soft voices Like Saw it happen. Sarr. But didn't do anything. I get it. But then came up to me to console me with soft voices. Like, I saw what happened. Yeah. That was terrible. Yeah.

I was like, I'm good. Back off. Yeah. Because you're freaking me the fuck out. I'd rather be assaulted by a Puerto Rican than calm down by a middle-aged white woman. Or go through some type of official proceeding about it. I don't like blouses either. Get the cops involved.

So the lady at the booth was like, I go, listen, can I make a phone call? I just gotta call my wife. Tell her to call Jay. I'm gonna be there. You know what I mean? Don't put on the speaker. No, she gave me her phone.

And she goes, you gotta wait to get your phone. It takes an hour. She goes, it takes an hour. There's one guy that can go on the tracks. That's not true. Absolutely. I know, but the one guy thing is fucking insane. She goes, there's one guy. It takes an hour. She goes, it takes an hour. There's one guy that can go on the track. That's not true. Absolutely. I know, but the one guy thing is fucking insane. She goes, there's one guy. It takes an hour. It's happened before. Blah, blah, blah.

I go, okay, great. I went back. Seton Smith. You know him? Yeah. Comic. Fucking great guy. Killer, by the way. Like, fighter. Like, real fighter. Martial arts guy uh i see him i'm like dude i explained everything to happen he's like where is he let's go get him i'm like no i don't

want to fucking do that my and i go my phone can you just call my phone i kind of know where it was it was totally not where i thought it was because of all the fucking craziness was on the other side we heard it ringing it was on the other side all We heard it ringing. It was on the other side. All this shit was backwards to me now. Because I'd gone up and come back down. So we heard it. It was on the other side of the third rail. On the track. So he was like, yo, man. I was like, I can't. I go, my knee.

You know, my knee's bad. I go, you look healthy, though. You know what I mean? I go, there's no lights. I watch for the lights of the train. He was like,

motherfucker. So he popped down like punk, popped down, boom, grabbed the phone. Wait, did he have to go over

the third rail? The phone was on the other side of the third rail but he saw it, grabbed it, came back, I go, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, my wallet. Because this comes off and apparently in the kicking it fell off. She was like, fucking what? And he had to go back and apparently in the kicking it fell off she was like fucking what and he had to go back and he grabbed the wallet and he was kind of i i really i gotta get this kid

dinner yeah i was grabbing the wallet popped back up gave it to me i jumped on the next train went to did the bonfire why don't you get him a get him an autograph or or engraved pair of brass knuckles or something. Something unique. He's not a pussy. That's my point. Get him a ladder. It's not happening. Damn, I thought you were going to say you just got popped by a teenager.

That's fucking nuts. Nah. He was my age, too. Really? Yeah, he was my age. He was a creep. No sleeves. Fucking head of a pub.

No job. No family. age too really yeah it was my age he was a creed no sleeves fucking head job no well i don't family it's weird because now when something like that happens to you i have to take that train all the time yeah i have to go there my therapy's right there i take that train i got a wig you can put on he'll never notice you i i go i went back i went back the next day and kind of hung out up top at the same time you You got PTSD about it. I do. Yeah, you should do it. 100% I do.

I've tried to like, ah, fuck it. You can't. No, knife is different. Knife is different, dude. Because getting, you might not get killed, but just having that fucking stupid slice

and being in the hospital and having that and some dumb, you know, fucking, explaining the story forever of what happened to your face. Yeah, Doug Smith has to do that. That sick score he's got from that fucking maniac.

Here's the thing. A producer for the podcast, I forget his name, just got stabbed on the train the other night. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, there was a kid who, I think he does stuff with gas, digital. Really? But he like, yeah, he got, like his eye got slashed up. Yeah.

He woke up in a pool of blood on the train. They left him for dead. On the train? They did this? Stabbed him, took his money, left him on the train. Hospital. Holy shit. Yeah, fucked up.

There's a GoFundMe out there if you guys want to donate to the poor kid. What's his name? I don't know. Fucking. David something. Now it's Starface Dave. Dude. But Justin Silver got, was it last week?

Walked six in the morning on his block in Chelsea. Dude pulled up on a bike in front of him. Another dude pulled up on side of him in a moped. Ready to take him out. And he had a pimple with him. You know they don't give a fuck. You know they had weapons when they were trying to corner him in, get his shit. He took a left up his brownstow stairs, went right in the door.

And they kind of laughed, like, you got away, motherfucker. Jesus Christ. Yeah, dude. So I got, and the sucky thing about this stupid city, you can't defend yourself. There's nothing you can do. There's no cops in the subway anymore. No cops anywhere.

There's no cops anywhere. No. Yeah, I haven't seen a cop in a long time. I haven't seen a cop in months. No, there's no cops. Years. There's no cops. Lawless out here.

But this is a family-oriented neighborhood. I know Queens is nicer. It's nice. But it's not. It's not. It's not. It's nice. And the parking situation that you guys get used to

is the most taxing thing. I remember it because I did it. It's terrible. It's a terrible life to live. It's a terrible... To come home and go... And put the blinker on, go around the block waiting for somebody, some

dude, fucking some chick to be like, alright, I'm out. See you later. And get a spot is nuts. If I lived here again, I'd pay the whatever it is to have a spot. Forget it. We got a little front yard. I'm going to get a Vespa. I can open the gate, park my Vespa in the side and lock it up. You're giving me shit for a fucking front yard. I'm going to get a Vespa. I can open the gate, park my Vespa in the side, and lock it up.

You're giving me shit for a fucking weapon bag, and you're going to get a Vespa? Yeah, he's been talking about this Vespa for a year now. Don't do it. I can bop over to Queensborough. Listen, I did it. I got a Vespa. You did? I went gay for a month.

I swear to God. I called her the white unicorn. Yeah, it was white? That's crazy. I got a white unicorn I called her the white unicorn. It was white? That's crazy. I got a white unicorn. I got the white Vespa. I got the top of the line. It went 95 miles an hour. You could take it on the highway. Let's go.

That's scary, though. The highway, I wouldn't fuck with. Okay, well, I got it. And Keith, Voss, and Norton... Oh, you told me. They made fun of me for, I think it was a week and a half before I sold it to a Russian lady. Gone. Done.

And you know what people do with your stupid bike when you park it out front? They knock it out. You know how many times they came out and my bike was just lying on its side because some homeless guy tried to jump on it? Yeah. Some asshole from Idaho parking, parallel parking,

just smashed into it. Stinks. Don't get one. Yeah, when I was driving, I would bang those things up. I don't care about a Vespa. Are you going to ride the Vespa? Are you guys going to ride together? Dude, both the side satchels are going to be full

of brass knuckles. Dude. That's for your friends, though. Get a V Just all butt plugs I love how you think This is Europe I'm sorry that I minimized your story

I thought it was just Going to be you Getting side spots That is You know what the weird Part about it is Is I told that on Bonfire And people like that

He's lying Yeah Which is like How the fuck Why would you lie about that? Number one, I don't lie. Yeah.

I don't write great jokes. I don't sit in front of a desk like Seinfeld, but I do, you know, tell what the fuck happens in my life to a point where I shouldn't.

I've said stuff on stage that I shouldn't. This story does not make me look like a badass right right yeah i'm not chuck norris i'm running with a fucking louis vuitton cross body bag it's not you know also people that haven't had that kind of stuff happen to them don't realize how in broad daylight that shit can happen like i got i got carjacked in philly at like 5 30 p.m there was someone parking behind me it was like there was

students like walking around and they just pulled up yeah guy just walked up I opened the door walked up and was like trying to get shot tonight how about you give me them keys really I was just like a time yeah what kind of did you see the gun. What do you have, a finger in a hoodie? Dude, they found a plastic gun in the backseat. You pussy. I had a real knife. Wait, the car. My snack pack bag got sliced. I had no idea.

They caught the guy? Yeah, yeah. What kind of car is it? It was an orange Honda L. Oh, that's not. You don't steal an orange car at fucking 530. You don't buy one. I was babysitting the car for a friend of mine who was doing job interviews

that's why you didn't give him money you piece of shit that's why I was like yeah take it dude take it she was in the air on the way to California and I called her and left a message like

your car is gone when she landed she was like, oh, you piece of shit. That was so funny. And it's like, no, no, no. Your car is gone. I'm at the police station right now. Did you borrow it or did you have to like?

No, no. She wanted someone to just watch it. Did you get it back? Did she get it back? Yeah, yeah. Would you ever give Chris your car to watch? Dude,

I woke up, they found the guy like overnight. It was an orange Honda Element with Connecticut plates in Philadelphia. They found this guy pretty fast.

I woke up in the morning to just like multiple voicemails from cops being like, we got... It was so fucking bomb got like it was a sound mission accomplished that's because it's the first car they ever found they're fucking useless when you get a car stolen they don't care it's too much work it's too much paperwork why are you

drinking a candle i want you to throw that mug out I don't like it He's not going to say it It comes with a He doesn't like it either It's about spatial Spatial awareness Awareness over here Yeah

What? I don't have a lot of room He likes a He likes a Water glass with a small Footprint In the high volume True

I wasn't going to say What are you Asian? We didn't hit those yet. You hit them at the beginning. We got to get a racial ticker on this thing. You see? Nice. What do you think about this?

You don't like it? I think it's great. It went out. I want to ask you again. It's a little moist. I wish I knew more, Bob. Well, once you get it going where we're at, it's going to crank out. Cruising.

You got to get that first, over that first hump. But this is nice, huh? It's fantastic. It's a great one. The first one you guys smoked, beginner cigar. I like that one, too. Great cigar. Nice, yeah.

This one has a little more flavor. Yeah. This is going to roll around your tongue a little better. Yeah, this is nice. This one, this is a great cigar, size Yeah. This is going to roll around your tongue a little better. Yeah, this is nice. Yeah, this one, this is, and this is a great, great cigar, size cigar.

It is. Right? Yeah, because, yeah, you know you're not going to be on the hook for a couple hours with this. Yeah, it's like an hour or so. Yeah.

You're good to go. There you go. How was your camping trip? What the fuck does that mean? Yeah, you FaceTimed me. First of all, I want to explain There's a difference between owning a house in New Hampshire

And camping Well, you had a life preserver around your neck And you were carrying like an inner tube Was that the rest of your head? Were you on Squam? I was going down to the lake Yeah, I was going to Squam Lake Fuck yeah, dude

You know Squam? Oh, dude, like the back of my hand He's got a Squam hat Dude, Bowman Island, Moon Island, Long Island. I'm all over it, dude. Listen to me, dude. Sandwich Bank. Dude!

What the fuck's going on? Dude, if you're not swimming in Rattlesnake off the big rock, dude, you're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. Yeah, dude. Sometimes I'll dip in a Squam. If you got the time. If you got the time. If you got the time. Great place to see a moose.

Dude, my mind is blown. Tommy, I'm fucking blown away. I feel like I should leave you guys for a little bit. It's so funny. My dad grew up in the Bronx. And we'd always hang out in Sturdivant Cove. Yeah. He, to this day, calls it Stuyvesant.

Oh, really? Yeah. So let's go to Stuyvesant. It's like, Daddy, it's Sturdivant. Dude, my son just did his first overnight on Bowman Island. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. During this thunderstorm hurricane that just happened last week. So me and my wife drop him off.

And we're like, we know what's coming. We're seeing the news, the weather. And we're like, should... They know. The counselors know. They would cancel it if they thought... Let me tell you something. We went to dinner.

Came back. We're watching Seal Team at the house. All of a sudden... We're like, whoa. The fucking house is shaking. It's so bad. It's coming down. And we know our kid is on an island. There's no phones.

They're in tents. We're like, this is bad. This is fucking bad. My kid came back the next day like he was a POW. I'm like, his feet were all fucked up, no shoes. There was blood on his shirt. Oh, dude. He was like, Dad, Dad, we made it.

We made it. It was crazy. Was it at night, the storm? Night. Nighttime. That rules. They had to go into like, I guess they have a hut on Bowman Island that you can go in, like a cabin.

But there was a shitload of kids, so they're all in this hut. Yeah. Wet. It's not even, it's like one lean-to. Yeah, it's like, it's fucking enough. It's so bad, dude. It's so bad, but I'm glad he went through it. Yeah.

We just got, last time I was here, we got the land up there with the tiny house. Now, I just bought on Little Squam. I bought more land, but it's on association land oh yeah the like River Edge Marina well

we're on the other side of the lake it has it's own beach it's own docks yeah right next to the cover bridge Lake Forest

in between there oh okay so if you're if you're over by the marina and then the covered bridge yeah we're talking about fucking good stuff. I've seen how my producers are doing.

This is great. Google fucking maps over here. Guys, they don't know what this is. We're lake people. I see that now. That's great. You're pool people. No, I'm not.

You're pool people. We're lake people. Thank God. Yeah, you're an... I see you, in in ground pool is your goal in life, right? Maybe a side jacuzzi. Yeah, we'll go down the lake.

Take a walk down the lake, jump in, boom, swim to the swimming platform, right? It's unbelievable. Dude, king of the platform on the shore. All the women in New Hampshire look like the fish in the lake. That's why I could never live there. They're fucking hideous. New Hampshire's the ug the fish in the lake. That's why I can never live there. They're fucking hideous. New Hampshire's the ugliest city in the world.

What? New Hampshire's a state. It's a state, you dumb dumb. The city I was in. It was called Bridge Land. He's got a point. Holden doesn't actually have some dogs. It's funny.

I call them. Pull up to Walter's basement. All the husbands and wives look exactly, they look like twins. They're Eskimos. They start, and Hawaiian people. Yeah, lake people.

Island people and lake people. Lake people, very similar. They all dress catalog. Yeah. They look like out of some catalog

and the wives and the husbands look very similar. Broad shouldered from the back. They're very thin. They're thin. They get thin.

Oh, they do up there. Yeah, it's like hiking. It's a hiker's body. Yeah, they hike and they walk everywhere and they kayak at slow rates.

God, it sucks. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's a weird look up there. Yeah, God. I definitely stick out, but dude, little squam. They wear those aerated

like sandals that lesbians wear when they paint mailboxes. Yeah, but they got the lesbian deli up there. Oh my God. Let me tell you something. You know your town's

on an upswing when the lesbians move in and open up a deli. Yeah. Deli slash gift shop. Woof. Oh, that one. BLT, the best BLT

I've ever had in my life. Where they put rosemary on the bake. It's fucking amazing. It's the best. The best. Dude, I love it. I'm up there for two months.

My kid goes to camp. Squam Lake General Store, right? The Squam Lake... Chris, you keep dropping these fucking names. That's it. We get it. You know the town. Yeah. Dude, you ever been to Harold's?

Harold's Hardware Store? I got a hammer from there once. It's not Harold's. My dad took me to Harold's. Yeah. Ice cream cake. What about Squam Lake Market? It's been fucking 20 minutes.

On the corner of the gas station? Yes. Easy 20 minutes. I know I know that no shit I got an inner tube fixed once at Reynolds across the street from that state place nah nah nah it's two blocks behind it county drive nah nah not county drive across the street from that state place. Nah, nah, nah, nah. It's two blocks behind it. Oh, County Drive. Nah, nah, not County Drive. It's like three blocks.

Me and Max the other day, we took the kayaks from our association that I'm a member of, Private Beach. How do you unlock the kayak? Two women have to scissor? We got the kayaks. We got kayaks. We went over.

We kayaked over to the store. Yeah. Parked the kayaks on the private beach over there. Yeah. I love my kid, though, too, because I was like, Max, look, I'm going to ask this lady. But I knew she was going to be a twat. I knew these people were there. It's a private beach.

I'm the same way, too. I see a guy pull up. I'm like, hey, I've been a member of the association for a week and a half. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You got your knuckles on? This is my beach. Let me see your membership card. I don't know if you heard, but this is my beach here.

So the lady comes up. I go, hey, can we just park here? I'm with my kid. Well, this is a private beach. I go, I know. I'm so sorry. I forgot water. We've been kayaking.

He's a little dehydrated. I'm just a little nervous. Max starts going, I just need water. We've been kayaking. He's a little dehydrated. I'm just a little nervous. Max starts going, I just need water. And she's like, oh, okay. No, yeah, please go get some water. You got to hydrate. I'm like, I know. I'm stupid.

Don't tell my wife. I messed up. And then we went over. We got pizza. We got Gatorade. We got some snacks. We sat along. We had lunch.

We came back like 40 minutes later. She's on the thing. I'm like, thank you. I'm holding up a bottle of water. But I mean, I love it. We sat along We had lunch We came back like 40 minutes later She's on the thing Thank you We had the I'm holding up a bottle of water And uh But I mean I love it It's the best

It's the best dude Tommy listen No I I'm not shitting on the lake life I'm sure it's fucking wonderful It's unbelievable But it's not I'm not there yet

Not just financially Emotion You gotta be ready for that shit You could come up Why don't you two come up I'd love to do that You gotta change your voice though Why Cause you come up Why don't you two come up I'd love to do that You gotta change your voice though Why?

Cause you can't talk the way you talk Yeah you fucking hurt yourself Bob But I'd change it too What do you think you sound like? Scottish? Do you wanna hear my lake voice? Do you wanna hear my lake voice? Yeah

How are you? I'm gonna stab you You do that again I got mace Dude I got PTSD. Don't fucking stop me. Dude, it's a black guy in an interview. How are you?

That rules. I'll take your finest PLT. My son just needs a little water. Yeah, dude. I kind of stay quiet because I go down to the... Well, there's a couple. There's new couples down at the association. I've been going the Well there's a couple Like there's new couples Down at the association

I've been going My uncle's been a member For years And I always You got that link Here Yeah it's right there I threw it at your arm

It's probably in the crack It's right by your bum bum It's under my ass So He's been a member for years And I've always gone down As a guest to his So now we finally bought land

So we get to go down By ourselves And my kid the other day Was like Dad let's go back to jimmy's beach i go hey it's your beach stop calling it fucking uncle jimmy's beach i just spent a lot of money to make it your your beach sweat and blood and tears too when i go down there i do keep there's like the old guard the lake people and they sit and they don't talk to each other

and they just which I get I'm fine but the new guard which I like is a Greek family yeah that are fucking

they're fun and there's another couple from Boston who's a landscape ex-cop with his wife and she's down there just drinking you know

she has like a a Yeti mug just full of booze she's down there just drinking. She has a Yeti mug just full of booze. She's down there all day with the kids and they're cool. They hang out until the fucking sun goes down. Horseshoes hanging, talking shit. I always get horny when I see an old woman smoking a Yeti

of vodka and you see her weird nipples getting... She's sexual about everything she does. Right? This mom, she gets sexual? Does she say weird shit to you? Listen to me.

First of all, I know her husband, so I'm not going to announce that on the fucking podcast. I've done that before. I said stuff and they're like, I heard the podcast. No, lake people are like, they're very sexual people.

What? I've been a couple lakes myself. What lake have you people What? I've been to a couple lakes myself What lake have you been to? I've been to Winnisquam once Oh yeah You've been to Winnisquam? No, no, that's Winnisquam What is that?

It's like It's a tiny little guy It's New Hampshire It is You don't know what Winnisquam is? But it's not Squam It's not Squam, dude Squam is the perfect lake

There's Squam, there's Winnisquam You don't know Winnisquam? Little Squam and Big Squam are Probably, I. There's Squam. There's Winnesquam. You don't know Winnesquam? Little Squam and Big Squam are probably, I think, one of the number one cleanest, nicest lakes in the country. Yeah, it's all protected. It's not that clean. What? He's standing waist deep with a bunch of fucking white drunks.

You piss in the water. No. And you throw a frisbee. No, that's not the vibe. That's not what we do there. We're better people than that. No, it's high class. Dude, sandy beach.

Sandy. Yeah? Walk sand. I don't fucking walk and move. It's artificial. And dude, it's... What do you mean artificial? It's not natural sand.

What do you think? A lake doesn't make sand. What are you talking about? It makes rocks and mud. Sand is then delivered in. You're such a dumb guinea. Your sand's delivered to a lake. I apologize.

I'm half guinea. You're a dumb guinea. Sand is, is, is. What? It's shells. Spit it out. Shells for thousands of years. Are you an asshole?

Smashed into smithereens. Are you an asshole? And it makes a powder. That's what sand is. Powder. It's from the tides and the rip tides. You don't think if you dig down in the earth in New Hampshire, you're not going to hit sand? Mud.

I just told you, Bob. You want to get a fucking notepad? I hate to do this to you, but Tommy is right. They ship in the sand. They ship in the sand. There's a problem with you. It's crazy. Dude, I don't know this.

I was going to Cotton Cove Cottages in 1988. I love that. And there was sand. There was a sandy beach. It's not there anymore because people fucking don't respect the no-wake rules. The problem with you is, okay, that's fine. You know that. I know that.

He doesn't. You think he's going to investigate this? He's ganged up. I told you how it works. You think he's going to investigate this? Let me gang up, Ethan. I told you how it works. Is it fucking no? No. Listen, you can lie to your kids.

You can't lie to me. You tell your kid every body of water has natural sand. Well, I'll tell you what. The beach, I'll tell you, it does have natural sand. It does have natural sand. Chamberlain Reynolds. Chamberlain Reynolds. Chamberlain Reynolds on Big Squam. Jesus Christ. The hike.

You come out and there's a beach, all sand, all the way out to the rock. And you jump off the rock. Chamberlain Reynolds. All sand. It's like a beach. It's like you're going to a real beach, but it's all sand. Swim out to a rock. Okay.

It's over off of Route 3, off of 25. Little hike. It's a hike? Yeah, it's a little hike. You gotta hike into it. And it's like going to a beach. Crystal clean. You want to ask? Anyway. How far is the rock jump?

What's that? How far is the rock jump? The rock jump's a different jump. That's the rattlesnake? Yeah,'s the rattlesnake. You've got to do the hike or you've got to go to buy a boat and then climb up. You've got a boat yet? Too much work? I just don't know if I want to be a boat guy yet. Boat guys are...

Dude, I'm telling you. If you can do it, do it. Get a little guy. Change is the lake, dude. His brother's got a nice little... I think I'm going to get... I got the kayaks this year, right? Because I can maybe get a mooring next year

at my association. I might get jet skis. Yes. I might do two jet skis. Big fan of this. That's the Vespa of the sea, my friend. You got to be careful with that. It is.

It's classy as fuck. You got to be careful with that because you it's classy as fuck you gotta be careful with that cause you gotta get the right size you can't get a regular jet ski you have to get like it has to have

be able to seat I think three or more people on there or something are you what on the lake are you making a fat joke right now no I'm being serious

well you got 10 dude I have to learn the boating rules every year to pass the test oh you do the test yeah I takeating rules every year to pass the test. Oh, you do the test? Yeah, I take the test every year. You can do it online, right?

No, you got to take it. Well, you got to take it in person. I think you could do it online because of COVID. You can just go to River Edge. Oh, maybe, yeah. I think COVID put it online so you could take it online, and they never took it off. You can still get your boating.

That's nice. I think next week I'm going to start taking it online, get my boating license so I week I'm gonna start taking it online get my boating license yeah so I can get a boat up there and next year I was thinking either a little boat

like maybe a little Boston Whaler yeah yeah right or a couple jet skis a sea-doo a what a sea-doo

but I don't wanna you can throw your kid on one of those fucking floats and smack him around jet skis would probably be more fun three person jet ski

you can actually ski off of the back or pull a tube. Oh, yeah. But it's $30,000. You know what they have? They have a four-wheeler that turns into a jet ski.

Did you see that thing? No. Dude, it's a four-wheeler. You're driving on the road, come down to the lake, hit a button, gage, boom,

bang. $40,000. I want that so bad. What do you mean that's it? What are you rolling in? We're fucking in a... You guys are sleeping together in here. No, I'm just thinking it's a fucking...

That sounds like a military vehicle. It sounds like a high-priced vehicle. 40 grand's a lot. Yeah. For a fucking... For a stupid four-wheeler? Land and water, dude? That's a nice price.

That thing's going to break in two weeks. So you're a positive i'm just saying there's no way a four-wheeler that turns into a jet ski lasts regular boats are hard enough to maintain well that's the thing is i don't want to become a fun i don't have to be a mechanic yeah and i don't have to pay some guy you know what i mean if i get a boat i want to be able to leave it in Maybe like a pontoon A small pontoon Yeah a sea-doo

What's that? Oh the sea-doo pontoons? Yeah Sea-doo's nice dude I might buy a used pontoon Put it in Get on it Start it

Go out Fuck around But then you're the guy Then you have to give people rides and shit Well you get that fucking That drunk lady on the, you know, take her to another island. Let her drain you. You take her back.

What the fuck? She might listen, Tommy. What's her name? Betty? Carol? It's very close. There's only three names out there. Can I get that lighter? Yeah, sure. Right by your bum again. You get the boat going. Right by your bum again. No, dude.

You get the boat going. You pick up some sandwiches. Hash that, will you? Oh, yeah, dude. I don't know if I'm a little boat guy. I think I'm just a lake guy right now. You roll the edge. It's going to be all over the couch.

We're going to have to clean up later. Oh, Jesus. There's the Italian in him. Yeah. Fuck. Worried about a couch. I know. That's why you can't bring him to the lake, dude.

You guys live together, right? Yeah. Right here, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Now you can't Bring him to the lake Dude You guys live together right Yeah Right here right Yeah Now are you going up To the lake this year I'm supposed to go The third week of August

Dude I'll be there Really We're gonna hook up I know Come over to the camp Dude absolutely Where do you stay When you're up there

We like just rent a place My parents rent a place Are you gonna rent this guy I would love to. I'm coming. Just come up for a couple of days. You can't wear all black and a chain. We're all wearing all black.

Yeah, but at the lake, you gotta throw... You think I'm gonna change, Bob? You gotta... For these fucking gremlins? Listen. These freckled Irish gremlins? You think I'm gonna fucking change a bit? I just...

I'm gonna buy... I'm gonna have a bullhorn. It's gonna be like... I'm gonna fucking... I'm gonna get you... I'm gonna get you a pinwheel hat. I'm going to have a bullhorn. It's going to be... I'm going to get you a pinwheel hat. You can't roll your legs up like that, though. This has got to go. You can't. No, I got...

You look what I got. I got late shoes. Look how excited he is right now. Let me see. These are crotchets. Look at these. Yeah, you can't wear those. These are perfect late shoes. They're not late shoes. Those are crotchets. Look at these. Yeah, you can't wear those. These are perfect lake shoes.

They're not lake shoes. Those are fucking Miami shoes. That's by Miami. That's when you do the Orlando improv. Yeah. Those are... That's not... That's not Squam Lake material.

This is New Hampshire time. Yeah, I know. You need Tevas. Yeah, I know. That's the lesbian shoe I was thinking of. Tevas. Velcro. There's like seven straps. We're giving you a pair of Keens. Takes 30 minutes to get them on. I got the hokas.

I got hoka everything. Of course you do. Hoka. You gotta stay balanced with that head. Dude, this is fucking... I don't want him coming down. They got the medical shoals on him, right? Can we fucking hear the boombox of Frank Sinatra playing?

I do not do that. I don't want to hear that. I don't want to hear that. I don't want to hear that. I don't want to hear that. I don't want to hear that. I don't want to hear that. I don't want him coming down. You got the medical shows on, man. You can be fucking yellow boombox with Frank Sinatra playing. I do not do this. I know I look like you.

Dude, you guys, we're having a barbecue, he shows up with lasagna. I ain't fucking doing that. Not that I don't mind lasagna. Dude, I'll cook for you. No, the best part about Squam, in my opinion,

is that it's mostly rich weekenders. Say it. It really is. So during the week dude there's nobody there yeah you have an entire lake to yourself it's annoying because you'll you'll go around the beach sunday sucks ass but every other day but they're going back sunday yeah yeah which is great but yeah during the week down at the lake it's it's very minimal people which is awesome yeah you know friday usually usually Thursday nights now, Fridays,

because people work from home on Fridays now. Oh, yeah. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, it's packed, which I don't mind either. I like a little fucking zip going along up there. Yeah, but what do you do? Do you drink? I don't drink. I haven't drank in 39 years.

What the fuck am I going to do for entertainment? I got to go to some local fucking bar where I got to pay. Are we drinking right now? Wooden chips. Are we drinking right now? No. We having a good time? Yeah.

Yeah, that's what we're going to do. We're going to fucking shoot the shit. I couldn't live there. I could visit. Also, in the evenings, you go sit by the water. You could have a couple beers. Of course. I'm just saying full time.

A little fire, make some s'mores. I just got my first quarter wood delivered. Oh, yeah. Dude, my fire at my house, my fire pit is right on the edge of 500 acres of woods. Oh, it's beautiful. So when you're sitting that night behind you, when you hear something, it's something.

Oh, yeah. Do the loons. The loon situation up there is heavy. Yeah, dude, the owls at night scared the shit out of me. One night I had to go in. I hit an owl once. What? I know, it fucked me up. With what? A bat? A car. A bat. I told you. I took the

strap off and it ashed all over me. Now I'm nervous. Can I have the ashtray? You just put it right out? Oh, you know you're real light. You told me this last time. I just don't believe it. You just put it right out? Oh, and then you relight. You told me this last time. I just don't believe it. It doesn't taste like it's a week old now?

I'll tell you why. These are going out. My humidor is a little too high. When you get a cigar, just a little cigar talk for you guys. You get a cigar, dry box it. Leave it in the box. Leave it out there. This a cigar, dry box it. Leave it in the box. Right, leave it out there. This box right here is the one.

Leave it in there. Let it dry out a little bit. See how moist it is? That's nice, but I like it a little tougher. So that way it stays lit. When it's a little moist like this, if you're not puffing and you're yapping, it will go out. I went to Cuba and I brought home my father like five or six cigars. And I think they just told me to put like a moist paper towel in the Ziploc until you get there.

They tell you you can do that. It's bullshit. But sometimes your cigar will get fucking wet. Really? Yeah. All you're doing is creating a tropical atmosphere inside of a Ziploc bag. That's all you're doing. Yeah. So, yeah, youploc bag. That's all you're doing. Yeah.

So, yeah, you can do that. You can, it's fine. But I like the cigar a little more, a little drier than this. You don't want that tropical environment. You get yourself some bird dogs. Seamless, Bob. Seamless.

Dude, I, there was a, there was a fan that heard me talking about Squam and went up, like, a couple weeks ago and was like, holy shit, dude. It's the best place ever. Let me tell you something. I'm going to take my glasses off. I want to be serious about this.

I can't believe you guys don't know Winnisquam. I know Winnisquam. Winnisquam is a big lake. It's between Winnipesaukee and Squam. Yeah. Winnisquam is not Squam. And you keep bringing Winnisquam back up. I fucking...

What are you going to do? Look up Winnisquam? Yeah. Why don't you just come up with Squam? Look up the size of your lake. Why don want you, I fucking, I've experienced, yeah. Why don't you just come up to Squam? Look up the size of your lake. Why don't you come up with him to Squam?

I'm coming up. And hang out. Yeah. Winnipesaukee? Winnipesaukee's the big one. That's the big one. You don't want that. That's the one I was

floating in, crotch deep, pissing all over these people. You don't want that. That's too fucking big. There's too many boats. It's overpopulated. I mean, you agree?

So the squam... Yeah, Winnipesaukee has like tankers on it. Yeah, yeah. Winnipesaukee's too big. Squam, fucking beautiful. All right. Little squam.

How long does it take to get there? Six hours? No, it's four and a half hours. I'm leaving tonight. I do the bonfire Wednesday night. As soon as I'm done, I hit the car.

Yeah. I go right up there. I come back on Sunday night, late. Drive back. It's great. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, here. And then I go back up Wednesday night, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I'm up for the rest of the summer.

It's eight legs, I think. What? Yeah, that's the way my dad always... Oh, when we were kids. This is so funny. You go 95 to 91 to 84 to 290? No, to 290 to 95. 290 to 495.

Let us fucking experience this connection that you didn't know we were going to have. And it's bugging you. No, I actually love 290 to... No, 290 to 4, no, 290 to 94, 95 to 93. Yes. Exit 24. Yeah.

Boom. You're there. That's it. Do you know what I love about it up there? Also, it depends if you use the low connector. Yeah. Low, oh, root three. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hope this conversation, I hope you skip the bonfire and go right there. You're so excited. I am. What I did the other day bonfire and go right there you're so excited what I did the other day, we went to Bristol Connecticut? no, Bristol, do you mind? Bristol New Hampshire, which is exit 23, that little town over by Newfound Lake, which is

nice, Newfound Lake is nice too, but I do fly fishing up there, but we went to Bristol little tiny diner all these sisters running it they make the muffins they make the bread

they make the syrup they make it all they make each other cum tell me more about this he doesn't understand he doesn't get it we don't talk like that up in late life.

Do you remember? I'm going to fuck up the whole environment, dude. This is like the most romantic conversation I've ever had. Do you ever go to Franken-Sunday?

Where's that? Do you remember Franken-Sunday? This was old school. I'm a narrative. Yes! Yeah! Dude, fuck Franken- And trying to head a Frankenstein? This was old school I'm a narrative Yes Yeah Dude In front of Frankenstein

In front of Frankenstein Yes You just go in there Did you ever go to Keller House? Oh my god Yeah I went there last year Dude

Keller House Unbelievable Has been there for like 90 years Yes He would love Keller House It's a candy factory

You guys ever seen Quarterback on Netflix? Dude Keller House You It's a candy factory. You guys ever seen Quarterback on Netflix? Dude, Keller House, you like ice cream? You like candy? I like ice cream. You like candy? Yeah, I love candy. Dude, they make their own candy shop with ice cream.

They make their with a gift shop. Jesus Christ. And it's like old Swiss building, right? It's an old place. It's been there for years. You go to dinner or you go to wait a second, GameStop? Fun Spot. Fun Spot!

It's right on the way to Fun Spot. You gotta hit Keller House. Fun Spot is one of the biggest, largest, oldest arcades in the country. So you go to Fun Spot. Me and my cousins, we get cranked on candy. Yes! And just go into Fun Spot, dude my cousins We get cranked on candy Yes And just go into Fun Spot

Dude And go nuts Let me tell you something I'm gonna stay here in the city I'll dodge knives I'll do cocaine And I'll sleep with hookers You guys can have

Your homemade ice cream And candies And float around On your fucking C-Dews I mean it is I wanna dodge violence And fuck pussy Dude you're gonna miss out

I know Cookies and creams At fucking Kellogg's It's on my list Dodge violence and fuck pussy. Dude, you're going to miss out. Cookies and creams at fucking Keller House. It's unbelievable. Yeah, it's fucking... Dude, I'm telling you right now. Go to Fun Spot. You play some video games, a little skeeball. Have some fun. Turn your tickets in.

Where's Beach? Great. And you go to Keller House. Then you go back to the house, light a fire. I got a rock speaker. You don't even know what's there. You don't even know. Like planet Earth rolls towards the lions.

It's like, wow, that looks real. You hide your keys under it? I have one of those, too. I got one of those. I got the rock speaker. Come out, I push the button. We got a little,

fuck dude, I play a little yacht music, a little yacht rock. Yeah, that's my, now we're talking. Dude. Yacht rock.

See, this is my beach music. Yeah. I'm a yacht rock guy. Dude, I fucking love it. Love it. Then the fire, dude, I'm out by the fire by myself. I fucking love it. Love it. And then the fire.

Dude, I'm out by the fire by myself. Everybody goes to bed. Then I go back in. I wake up in the morning. I go on. Now, because I'm an association, I walk down to the beach with the dog, jump in. What kind of dog? Water dog?

A water dog? Yeah, dogs that like the water. Like fucking. What's a water dog? Like a Labrador retriever. Loves the water. They hunt dogs and shit. No, I got a Bernadoodle. Oh, there you go.

Bernie's mountain dog, mid-size. Yeah, she's great. She goes in the water. She goes on my kayak. I kayak out with the dog. I mean, she's whining like a little bitch the whole time. She's scared? Yeah, a little bit, but she's getting used to it. Got to get used to it. My dad took me fishing when I was like five.

We used to go to this place called Wall and Paul Pack in the Poconos. I'm a lake person. Stay with me. It's a big lake. It's one of the largest man-made lakes in the country. Yeah, man-made. This one's made from God.

Oh, yeah, so is the sand, huh? Is the sand made from God, Bob? Squam was made from God. Yeah. You understand that? Well, I the sand made from God, Bob? Squam was made from God. Yeah. You understand that? Well, I went fishing with my God, okay? Yeah, you went fishing on a man lake, a man-made lake. Two fucking rednecks fucking poured water in a puddle and made a lake.

Fuck the Poconos. Yeah. All right? Fuck the Poconos. What did you guys do at night? You didn't light a fire? You jumped into a champagne glass jacuzzi? Quietly fingered my high school girlfriend on the deck.

That's romantic. That's lake life. Dude, I'm telling you right now, it's the best. White Mountains, New Hampshire, the best woods, best place to go. People go there because there's no Black Mountains. I'll tell you that. Hey, you don't. Cut it. You got to cut that out. All right. It's a great place to go. People go there because there's no Black Mountains, I'll tell you that. Hey, you don't.

Cut it. You got to cut that out? All right, I'll cut this out too then. We were up there, and my son, they have this Greek restaurant up there in Portsmouth. You know Portsmouth? Oh, yeah. Portsmouth's great. Great town.

Yeah, it's unbelievable. They got probably one of the best Greek restaurants I've been to. Really? Yeah, this old Special Forces Greek guy who was in the military. I mean, he's yoked. Big, tall guy, like a Navy SEAL type guy. Opened up this Greek restaurant up there. It's probably one of the best Greek restaurants I've ever been to.

It's up there. And we're sitting there, and my son looks around. He goes, Dad. I go, what's up? He goes, how come there's no black people in new hampshire and i was like this there's there's this yeah that's how it came out this this well so there was i go i'm looking around come on where's somebody not even, there's young fucking white dudes. Yeah. So I was like, there is black people that come up here.

But there's people from all over. So I was like, there's people from Egypt. There's people from Asia. There's people from, what was the other person I saw up there that looked a little different? Puerto Rico? Dude. But it is all rich. You got to just be like, yo, it's weird enough that we're up here. Yeah, yeah.

It's true. We're the black people up here. Bunch of city slickers up here. This is unsafe. Yeah. They see my skin tone. They hide their rock radios. But it's funny because

it is all, it's people who live in New Hampshire. It's like Trump sign. Oh, it's fucking. And then it goes fucking LGBTQ. Then it goes to a gay flag and Black Lives Matter. So it's really rich city people

who, especially during the pandemic, when that pandemic hit, a lot of rich white people went up there and just bought the land. They bought the fucking... There's a lady behind my uncle's house. He's on this dissociation land. There's a

certain amount of plots on this land, right? Behind him is all forest, all this land. And I thought it was a nature preserve i thought it was but apparently this one family owned it this lady who was the richest woman in america female she had like 500 fucking billion dollar whatever she had million dollars she was one of the richest women in the country when pandemic hit she hit, she said, fuck it. Behind his house used to be this trail.

Beautiful trail. It was a snowmobile trail. So people would go from New Hampshire all the way up to Canada on this trail. So in the winter, you just jump on the thing, go all the way up to Canada on the trail. And they go all the way down to the lake. And a lot of people use snowmobiles up there in the winter to get around. She bought the fucking private land. She didn't buy it.

She said, fuck it. So in rich people, man, I can't believe it. In like a month, there was just a road where the trail was. She just built with fucking state-of-the-art security cameras and no trespassing. So I went up there. All of a sudden, it's just a paved road. And she made this road just for the trucks that were building her house. Oh my God.

This huge mansion in the middle of the fucking woods. So they wouldn't bother her neighbors on the other side. There are the rich neighbors. So she just fucking said, fuck it. Plowed down this thing.

Cut all the trees down. Made this road. Then, building this house, she fucking died. Yes. She's dead. Yeah, that's a victory.

So there's just this road for nothing. At least the hearse can get down there. Just a road to drywall. Just a road to a dead old woman's grave. So perfect, dude. Yeah, it's all rich. They do that. And yeah, they'll breed horses on it

or something. So it's like a non-profit. Yeah, some stupid, yeah, there's a buffalo farm, whatever that is. Yeah,

there's buffalo in New Hampshire. But yeah, if you take a ride around the lake, I do it on the kayak, you'll see like old cottage, old house, and then just holy shit house. Yeah.

Nobody's ever in. That's like the Connecticut trip we take with your brother. Yeah, yeah. Those giant, like the guy like owns like fucking Amazon or something. Yeah. Nobody's ever in. That's like the Connecticut trip we take with your brother. Those giant, like the guy like owns like fucking Amazon. Yeah. Like along the water in like Westchester and Greenwich. It's like, there's just Versailles type mansions that nobody's ever in. No one's ever in.

You don't see any motion. Yeah. They just buy it. Yeah. Like there's one house on Little Squam. It's like nice house, nice house. And then there's this fucking just mansion with the boats and all. It's like, holy shit.

Never see anybody out there. They use it maybe one week. If they do in the summer, it's their probably seventh home. Yeah. They just bought that land, put this thing on it, and then whatever. And you know that guy's like, dude, use my lake house. I don't fuck with you. Fuck you.

I think if you don't use it for three weeks or a month, somebody can just go in. We can just go over and fucking use it. Something like that. Something should happen. I'm up on a tiny home. I got to come and walk down a hill. Yeah, but that's what you want. You don't want that big fucking bullshit.

My dream is to be on the lake. House on the lake. I want to walk out. Isn't the real estate the hardest part? Because no one's ever selling their house. Well, you got to lock into it. Like even this plot of, I bought a plot of land. Even the land that they have goes

quick and goes to people that are kind of know them or in there. Yeah, right. You gotta be in the know. Yeah. When this land came up, I had to go meet the people that,

the people that had this land, they were on the town road because we're on the town road. Then it becomes a dirt road. That's the association road. We were on the town road and my uncle, he was like,

you're townies. I'm like, what? He goes, yeah, we call you guys, anybody who's on the association road. We were on the town road, and my uncle, he was like, you're townies. I'm like, what? He goes, yeah, we call you guys, anybody who's on the town road. Shut the fuck up. You're townies. It made me feel like shit. I was like, I'm a fucking townie. I gotta fucking spend a lot of money on my land.

There's all this fake prestigious hierarchy, right? Yeah, there's a lot of it. I remember my buddy saying they had a house, five-minute walk to the lake. It's a beautiful house in the Winnipesaukee. Winnipesaukee, but they always talked about the Winnipesaukee Lake people would look down on Winnipesaukee because of its size and its prestige. And it's like, dude, shut the...

I'd rather... I've seen both, and I like the small little offset house. It's a walk down this cute little path. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's why, yeah, Squam I like more than Winnipesaukee. Winnipesaukee is too much. Well, when we got the little plot of land,

and my land, you'd have to do a lot to build on it. Like, it's kind of like a cliff. Yeah. You know, but I just got it to have lake rights so we can be part of it. We can just go down to the beach without asking anybody, right?

Yeah. What do you mean? So you'd have to build, like, land and stack? What do you mean? So you'd have to build land and stack it up so that your house... I'd have to dump fill or I'd have to have the house up on something. The way they brought the beach in, you'd have to have trucks come in with extra soil

to level the land, right? So they traveled with the dirt the way they did with the beach sand. They'd bring it in from somewhere else. I got it. I got it, yeah. With trucks. Yeah, I understood the truck. Big trucks. I know. And then They'd bring it in from somewhere else. I got it. I got it, yeah. With trucks. Yeah, I understood the truck.

Big trucks. I know. And then they'd dump it. You know, we wouldn't be here if you just stuck with the fucking story. He has no clue. But yes. He doesn't respect the Lakes Association.

They're dumping that sand. That's good sand. That's fresh sand. We got to get an association counter on here, too. Bing! Bing! My favorite word. I know it.

I say it all the time. I know the time so i say it to nauseam i so i got i got shirts made uh harvard like harvard shirts the gray the dark charcoal gray with the harvard red that says townies yeah oh that's sick plus friday i got them for me my wife and my son Dude Friday we're all going down To the fucking beach In the association Townies plus Go fuck yourselves

That fucking rules Yeah it's the best Can I have the ashtray Before I get yelled at Yeah You guys gave up huh Yeah I Too much

I'm getting down Too much Too heavy for you We did Shane's podcast For Till like three in the morning Last night What downstairs Upstairs Oh upstairs He's upstairs yeah And I before you? We did Shane's podcast for, until like three in the morning last night. What, downstairs?

Upstairs. Oh, upstairs. He's upstairs, yeah. And I was like vaping and I gotta stop vaping. What is the fuck? I don't know. I don't know, dude.

It's that anxiety thing. You're vaping and smoking a cigar. That's nuts. I know. What is the, what is, you know, I'll tell you something about vapes.

They fuck the cigar industry. I know, you told me this last time. Yeah, it's like, how did they do that? Because they don't know what the fuck is in that. Regulations. They don't know what that is.

And they're trying to regulate. The FDA, I guess, is trying to regulate that. And they threw cigars in there, too. When cigars is just water and tobacco. And because of that horse shit, whatever that is, you don't even know where that comes from. They started making these clear ones, and you could just see the battery on it.

And it's like the worst design because now you're staring at a battery that you know is charging up this fucking gel that puts this steam in your... I'm not even addicted to nicotine. It goes in your lungs. Yeah, and I just like the pull of it. I don't mind, I guess, the weed one, right?

Do you guys do the weed one No I can't smoke weed I freak out You freak out Yeah You smoke weed No Here and there

Yeah you drink Just drink Yeah That's the only drug you do I stopped doing drugs What kind of drugs were you doing Here and there I'm sorry

I enjoyed cocaine once every What are you from the 80s once a month what are you miami vice what's it but i fucking loved it yeah it really it's the best what and i used to get fucking bull hard and i'd chase a woman like a slow elk i get so horned up dude everybody talks about deflating your peen i'd get get fucking... Oh, boy. I'd have to put fucking camo on again. Go on these Irish bars and pull out two fatties. Two fat redheads.

Yeah, it didn't matter. Just thin lips, their teeth are all out. Didn't matter if I had to saw her horns off. I'd take them down. Dude, I did cocaine when I was a kid My friend Frankie Paul Castro Of course His mom's boyfriend Was a cocaine dealer

But he wasn't really tough He was kind of a little scrawny guy With weird glasses And not that I'm against that apparently Beat the shit out of some kid's stepdad Take his coke He used to hide it in this fucking camera He had a camera and he to hide it in this fucking camera.

He had a camera and he would hide it in the battery part or whatever the fuck it was. He'd hide his cocaine in there. Yeah, where the tape goes in. Whatever the fuck. Yeah, so we took it one day. We just took his cocaine

and he came in and he was like, you guys, I'm missing a little product. And Frank was like, we took it. No! And he was like,

well, I'd like it back. He goes, take it back. And we were just like, take it back. And he was like, I took it. No. And he was like, well, I'd like it back. He goes, take it back. And we were just like, take it back. And he was like, I'm going to tell your mom. He's like, go ahead. His mom, though, came in. She's like, give me a fucking drug, doc.

Just a little crack addict woman. Fucking give me a drug, you cocksucker mother. Came in with a fucking fork. She had a fork. She was going to stab us with a fucking fork. That was terrifying. Yeah, you drop your bag of snacks. Dude, we used to go to the,

we used to get whacked up on Coke, and we'd go to the Alexander's, the deli, and we'd steal Swanson's TV dinners. Remember? Before microwave. Yeah, yeah. You'd have to put it in the oven

for like six hours. Fried chicken, right? Took like six hours. Now, now mind you we're stoned we're on coke we just wait we want chicken so bad you could we kept opening the oven it wasn't done just i gotta burn right here on my arm from when it was done and it's like it's done we all tried to grab the chicken we're so wasted i grabbed it and just sizzled my hand. Fucking screamed like a bitch. I got one little wing because everybody just grabbed the chicken. I used to love it. But cocaine fucked me up because I remember I was dating

this blonde chick in the projects in Medford and I got whapped out on cocaine and I was cool as shit. She was nice. She had big cans. She was older than me and I went down at two in the morning and started throwing pebbles at her window. She came up and said, Bobby,. She was older than me. And I went down to her at two in the morning and started throwing pebbles at her window. She'd come out. She'd say, Bobby, what's up? I'm like, I just want to tell you

I really, I've liked you for a long time. I know you're older than me, but I really like you. And I think that we could be something together. I just... Dumped me. Dumped me. She goes, okay, and shut the window. Never saw her again. I was just sitting there like, come on.

Fucking on the projects Yeah yeah There's a guy behind her Going babe who is that Yeah Her husband My friend Frankie Back in the day We always used to fuck her

It was so bad Pass him around Not pass him around I remember my friend Was making out with this chick And I just started Finger blasting her While he was making out with her

Wow She was looking at me Like she knew Yeah of course she knew She was looking at me like she knew. Yeah, of course she knew. She was cool with it. Then he wanted to beat the shit out of me because they wound up being girlfriend and boyfriend.

Oh, no. And she told him to come clean. What a dumb asshole. Oh, no. Just to let you know, there was that one time when we were making out when we first met

and Bobby was finger banging me. You know, he was probably praising you about something. Like my friend Bobby, you're gonna love him. She's like, he fingered me without my knowledge. She was mine first, by the way. Yeah love him. She's like, he fingered me without my knowledge. She was mine first, by the way.

Yeah, true. She was mine. She used to do my schoolwork. You popped the cat. Yeah, I popped her. You broke the seal. She was a little nerd back in seventh grade. She used to do my homework for me.

Oh, they're always the hottest ones. Because she wanted to fucking, you know, she wanted to be with me. And then we'd hang out. Then she blossomed in like eighth grade. Yeah. And then she just became a total, she just loves sex. Yeah, there's a lot of movies about that. They come down the steps for like prom and they got big fucking

fat natties. She was great. And then she went with him and he was gonna beat the shit out of me for a while. I had to run from him. Yeah, does he have a lake house now, Bob? What's that? You think he's got a lake house? I think he's dead. He's dead? I think he died. All my friends are dead. Most of them are dead Or fucking still on drugs

Good Sucks That's good for you Sucks He made it out That sucks You got two new friends right here I'm off drugs

He's dead Inside He's new That's my friend Yeah He's your friend Yeah You're gonna get a Vesper

Let me hang out with you You sit like that And you roll your pants up I can't bring you to Lake You got Lake material God I gotta change for this. Dude, can't wait to pick an outfit out. Dude, yeah, can't wait to take you to Eddie Bauer.

Yeah. We'll take him in a lesbian deli. They have clothes there. Yeah. We're going to use Squam Lake fucking sweatpants. Squam Lake hoodie. A pink hoodie. We're going to get you one of those hats.

Yeah. I got a Squam Lake hat. A bucket hat. I got a Squam Lake hat. All right, we we gotta end this I can't do this anymore You gonna stick around? Just say yes

What a weird way to end a podcast We gotta end the first hour This is an hour already? Yeah baby You got poor friends But you gotta find a fucking segue Yeah right You can't just fucking coke end it

You got anything to plug? Alright we gotta end this What the fuck were you wide eyed I think I did about last time too? I do have to piss. Well, go piss. We'll talk about Squam Lake and we'll end it when you come back. I mean, he really...

I don't think we can bring him up. He'll appreciate it. Once he sees it. He'll appreciate it, but number one, his tone isn't lake tone. You can hear everything across that lake. Yeah, dude. They're going to fucking complain about him at Walter's Basin.

You know what I mean? Because we've got to work on his lake tone. This is lake tone. What's up, dude? This is a nice day out. Oh, beautiful. He's going to be like, what the fuck are we doing now? I'm hungry.

You've got to bring it down. Yeah. And we've got to get him. He also, cause it's always kinda partly cloudy there yeah kinda right which I love I love it too

but he dude why are we not better friends we should do a lake podcast dude I'll get burnt if I don't get a little coverage

I need it broken up you want a little sun go in and then a little chill and the patchiness gives a little breeze you know a fucking breeze is what you want and then when the sun goes down the patchiness gives a little breeze. A fucking breeze

is what you want. And then when the sun goes down, at night when the sun comes back out, the clouds go away. You get that nice sunset over the mountains. It's unbelievable. Nice. He doesn't know about this stuff. Dude, that's what I was saying. Your son was on Bowman. That storm. If that storm

clears before the sun goes down, it's the most beautiful fucking thing you've ever seen in your life. You hike too, right? I just do that rattle steak hike.

All right, when you come up. We went to like, what's the BB River Falls or something? Yeah, dude, you ever swim in a river? In Arkansas.

Where you going? We're putting tea in crumpets. You're putting your fucking, you're putting your cocaine shoes away. I'm protecting my Miami cocaine chums. Dude, swimming in a river is the best. You gotta go to a river.

I'll take you to the Pemi. We'll jump in the river. The Pemi? Yeah, dude. You gotta jump in the river. You know what I wanna do? I wanna fly fish with you. Dude, I'll take you fly fishing.

Let's go fly fishing. Have you ever tried it? I'll fly fish up there? Yeah, I'm a fucking fly fisherman. Damn. Let me catch rainbow trout. Rainbow fishing. Let's go fly fishing. I'll fly fish up there? Yeah, I'm a fucking fly fisherman. Want to catch rainbow trout? Rainbow trout. Let's catch brookies. All kinds of shit. Did you ever see the movie A River Runs Through It? Yeah, nothing like that.

Yeah, I'm not fucking... Is that Brad Pitt? Brad Pitt, yeah. And they didn't film that where they said that... It wasn't in Montana. No, where was it? It was in... I believe it't in Montana. No, where was it? It was in not. I believe it was in Utah. Might have been in Utah, I believe.

It's crazy to get hung up on this fact. Why? It's crazy because it bothers you? They went to Utah instead of Montana? I mean, dude, I'm not going to start a petition. But for conversation sake. You should talk to the association about changing it. I'm townie plus, so I can't do that. Get me one of those.

A lot of people have gone to vacation in Montana on false pretenses. I bet the fly fishing industry boomed after that movie. It fucking did. It did. And it really was another river.

All these fat rednecks were like, that guy's hot. He's knowing how to throw a fish. All right, let's end this. No. Let's fuck him. This is done. I'm done. All right, let's end this. Yeah. Let's fuck it. This is done.

I'm done. All right, so you're coming up, right? Yeah, I'm coming up. I promise you I'll be there. All right.