Stuff Island - Stuff Island #93 - They'll Never Know w/ Devan Costa & Conner McNutt

Episode Date: August 9, 2023

- Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the patch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Twice a month Tommy cooks a delicious dish. It's a ...goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Devan on IG: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/?hl=en - Follow Conner on IG: https://www.instagram.com/420naughtyboy/?hl=en Go to mintmobile.com/stuff for just $15/month! Go to betterhelp.com/stuffisland for 10% off your first month! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Guys, we have said a bunch of stuff. Thanks for stopping by. No, we gotta pretend. We gotta pretend this is the first one. It's good to see you guys. Yeah, good to see you too, man. How are you guys? Where are you coming in from again?
Starting point is 00:00:16 Um, L.A. Is your dad dead? He died a while back. I literally forget the riff that that happened in. I've forgotten everything we just did. I have no clue where I am. Dude, I'm telling you, that was a fucking rollercoaster. It was a wild ride.
Starting point is 00:00:33 Your dad is so funny to me. The amount of times I've spent with your dad without you is so funny. That's crazy. My dad's one of those guys that he sets up. My dad is... He sold one screenplay. He's kind of a failed screenwriter. And he taught at
Starting point is 00:00:49 DeVry. Oh, yeah. My whole life. We got a couple of those. I love my dad. He's a very passionate person. He loves movies. That's like a DMV for Waterheads, right? Yep. Then what's the DMV for? Yeah. You graduate... You graduate as your shit for brands.
Starting point is 00:01:07 It's minor leagues. You got to go up in water heads. But your dad's like an intellectual. He's an intellectual, but he's a real fuck up, like horrible business acumen, like thinks he's a businessman. Everything he does is a massive mistake. He's the type of guy that meets a guy at a coffee shop
Starting point is 00:01:23 and gives him like $8,000. And then my mom screams at him. What? Who can't afford? What are you talking about? He's that guy. My dad, at one point, he's really into I think the word is credentialism. If anyone tells him a list
Starting point is 00:01:38 of shit that they went to good colleges and that type of shit, he just falls. He's like Willie Loman. It's just crazy. He's like willie lowman like it's this crazy And so yeah, he's that's of a salesman. Yeah, that's very good. Don't you buddy? Can we clip that? Can we fucking clip that all you people think I'm a dumb fucking greasy walk You think I can't remember the most famous play of all time?
Starting point is 00:02:07 You got to go and ruin it. Disrespectful monk. I think your dad has like face blindness though. Or maybe it's just with me. He doesn't remember any of my friends. He's one of those guys that doesn't give a flying fuck about my friends or anybody. I'd be at Devin's place for hours talking to his dad. He's in the living room.
Starting point is 00:02:24 He's watching TV with us. And then there was this bar in Eagle Rock in LA called the Eagle Rock Lounge. I like this. There was one time I was hanging out and your dad was just there. You were not there. Talking to your dad for hours,
Starting point is 00:02:36 thinking he knows who I am. No. And then eventually I was like, yeah, so anyway, Devin and I the other day were doing this thing. He was like, Devin who? I went, Costa, your son? And he went, you know Devin?
Starting point is 00:02:49 And I was like, what the fuck, dude? Yeah, that's why I thought we were talking this whole time. Dude. That's him. I got a buddy like that, and I run into his dad on the street, and I'll always be like, yeah, what's going on? And he'll go, hey. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:03 That's the same face my dad gives. My dad, to save his life, can't remember a single one of my friends. Except for the three core high school friends. Yeah. Even Devin, who he's met a million times, he's like, which one is that again? He literally goes, who are you hanging out?
Starting point is 00:03:20 I'm like, they've been in my life for a decade. Yeah. Yeah. Literally 10 years. He's like, Shane's coming over. And my dad's like, oh, yeah? Okay. And then it's just like, well, you know what's going on, right?
Starting point is 00:03:36 Or Chris, this is how I fell in love with your mother. Oh, my God. Yeah. Because when I go to his parents' house, I beeline, after I hug his father, I beeline to his mother and talk about, like, food stuff. Talk about, like, blueberry muffins and fucking coleslaw and shit. What'd you make this with? My mom's just like... How long? What's the temperature of the oven? You know what?
Starting point is 00:04:01 Now I know how you feel about me, because this is the most disrespectful thing. No, it isn't. Well, I'm trying you feel about me because this is the most disrespectful thing. No, it isn't. Well, I'm trying to tell you I love your mom. It's beautiful. It is beautiful.
Starting point is 00:04:08 There's a beautiful language that she doesn't speak with anybody else. She's trapped in this little area. Yeah, but you know what you're doing, though, also, when you beeline to the mom.
Starting point is 00:04:15 Yeah, but I care about what she cares about and she can't fucking... She's not... It's another language. Sure. She's on an island with another fucking being
Starting point is 00:04:23 and they're speaking different language. So when I come in let's talk food let's talk baked goods let's talk about lasagna and stuff and then we go through the ingredients and you see her just like melt like thank you I would imagine that's important for a father
Starting point is 00:04:38 or a mother your mom liked to cook yeah so you're like a wizard to her they're waiting for an Italian man to come in the room. You were the friend. What are you doing to the sauce? You put wine over the noodles? I'm not some
Starting point is 00:04:53 negligent son. I'm in there where she tries to talk to me about cooking. I'm in there, interested. I'm asking about ingredients. I'm like, I'm paying attention. I'll let her spin the yarn. Yeah, but you're right, Chris. But the mother to the son thing is you're always in a high chair. She doesn't give a shit.
Starting point is 00:05:09 She doesn't hear your words. It's like the example of when you showed her, just talked about this. That was insane, yeah. So we got done this look at this episode where we went out tuna fishing. And then we ended up catching striped bass. Striped bass. And our videographer captured drone footage of whales, humpback whales breaching. It's like the most beautiful footage in the world. He hasn't seen his mother in a while.
Starting point is 00:05:37 This feels like a fat joke or something. No, no. Chris, we're going to see your mother. I saw this beach whale. I thought of Chris's mom. So I threw a sardine in her forehead. Am I going to eat that one? No, he's showing this beautiful... It's a sperm whale.
Starting point is 00:05:58 Now my look, they're hunting pets like you and your sister. You and your barb walking down the street. No, he's showing this footage on the phone. And she got through like, and it's like, it's unbelievable footage. It was literally the day after it happened. She was like, what have you been doing? And I was like, we just went, we watched whales. Look at this.
Starting point is 00:06:22 And I was showing her the footage and she went, oh, you want lasagna? Yeah, dude. She literally goes, you wanna take lasagna home with ya? Dude, her eyes shifted from the camera and she looked right at it and says, yes, what, lasagna or something to eat? It's like, this is, it's literally planet Earth.
Starting point is 00:06:40 Yeah. We captured planet Earth. They don't care. But they don't care. They don't give a shit. They don't give a fuck shit but also they go looks like your father it bypasses the son this is the point
Starting point is 00:06:50 it's like the way your father interacts with him the way his mother interacts with me or his father we love playing toss
Starting point is 00:06:58 in the backyard yeah you and my dad got along pretty good it's just the best if you skip your buddy and then hang out with their parents, they get more information about how your life is going
Starting point is 00:07:08 through the vessel of your voice than he could ever tell them because there's a blinder there. Yes, you're right. You're actually 100% right. Yeah. Yeah. The friends do more for what's going on in your life by orating it to your parents than actions you do.
Starting point is 00:07:24 Oh, yes. Absolutely. Or girlfriends. You hit the one-year mark with a girlfriend. The parents beeline to them and be like, how's Tom? How is he? Is he good? Is he happy?
Starting point is 00:07:36 And she'll tell the truth. Because I guess they inherently just don't trust you. They don't trust their bloodline. They don't like themselves. They don't like who they got with. They don't trust anyone in the family. They need an outside observer. Because my mom's going, you hid fat black nude magazines
Starting point is 00:07:52 behind your dresser and lied to me about it. You told it was Brian. I had a fucking, dude, I don't know what it was called, but I had a CVS bag full of fat black nude mags behind my dresser that I would pound out to. You and my brother.
Starting point is 00:08:07 Holy shit. My brother got in so much... My brother crashed the family computer one time, like just riddled it with viruses. And my dad... There's too many fat black nudes. My dad went on like an investigation. They're dead, dude. He became Columbo and like raided his room.
Starting point is 00:08:24 And he found a DVD, which... Oh myided his room. He found a DVD, which oh my god, dude. He found a DVD that was labeled literally cunts and blunts. The cover of it was just an exposed vagina with a blunt coming out of it. My dad was like,
Starting point is 00:08:40 this is unacceptable. To a point where it almost felt racist. I remember my dad going through the internet history and he was bothered by the porn but my brother was looking up fetish shit where he's like, fat women? What the fuck? He was so upset by BBW porn
Starting point is 00:09:04 and black porn that I was like, this feels a little coded a little bit. Because, dude, I got a charcuterie board on my fucking porno. I got a little bit of everything. Dude, at one point my parents put the family computer... A little midget honey on some bruchette.
Starting point is 00:09:20 That'll fucking send me. At one point my parents put the family computer in my bedroom and I was like, do you guys have any idea what you're doing? Wait what? I was like this is the most reckless shit of all time, but luckily I was like Connor keep it secret Oh my god We don't want any more black women on this computer I'm just like on porn I'm being like Aryan porn
Starting point is 00:09:45 yeah yeah yeah the whitest skinniest lady possible your dad bought ExpressVPN just to hide it we had that sponsor for a while and we were just like what is this it's so you can fucking get away with hiring a hitman I like the idea they put it in your room it's all Mexican
Starting point is 00:10:01 porn and they're like what's wrong with our kids I'm like I'm looking for my fucking wife it's really like a dating app yeah dude I don't know I was so lucky though
Starting point is 00:10:16 because like my brother had like riddled with viruses so I had like a blanket over me I was like it's fine whatever new virus I put on it I just blame that guy
Starting point is 00:10:23 you know I'm like no he broke into my room and he jerked off and watched porn that's what i did to my brother the bag was found my mother's like whose is this and i was like it's my brother yeah i'm gonna say his name but i was like yeah it's him obviously yeah like mom i'm 11 now the first time i got caught like like where they she saw the history i it was the worst moment of my life like i was so panicked you know and i remember i i think i said like i don't know like i might as well have been like the history, it was the worst moment of my life. I was so panicked. And I remember, I think I said, I don't know,
Starting point is 00:10:47 I might as well have been like, these guys that came in. They looked poor, they ran out. They jerked me off. They took my wallet. We gotta call the cops. They came all over my pants and left. They went that way. Dude.
Starting point is 00:11:09 Isn't it weird, though, how there was... Dude, that's my... I'm sorry, Chris. My favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke. I'm going to say... Dude, it's so fucking good. He goes... We interrupt this program for a Gilbert Gottfried joke.
Starting point is 00:11:24 This episode is sponsored by Gilbert Gottfried. R.I.P. Gilly. We interrupt this program. This episode is sponsored by Gilbert Gottlieb. R.I.P. Gilly. I can make that. No, he goes. This one guy's at a bar. This one guy's at a bar. And he gets drunk and he throws up all over his shirt. And he's like, oh shit, my wife's going to be so pissed.
Starting point is 00:11:45 How am I going to get by with this? He goes, it's easy. Just tell her somebody threw up all over you. You put a $10 bill in your top pocket. So he paid me. He tossed off all over me. He goes, all right. So the guy goes home to his wife.
Starting point is 00:12:01 And she goes, oh my God, what happened? He goes, well, a guy threw up on my shirt and put a $10 bill in my pocket. And she goes, oh my God, what happened? He goes, well, a guy threw up on my shirt and put a $10 bill in my pocket. And she goes, why is it a 20? He goes, he also shit my pants. Dude,
Starting point is 00:12:16 the fucking thunderous roar when you hear that joke in a comedy club. He also shit my pants. Un-fucking-believable. Breaking news, a second Gilbert has hit the tower. Now this is the one!
Starting point is 00:12:40 This is the one! This is the one! Let's go! LFG! This is the one! This is the one! This is the one! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! LFG! Dude, that first hour was Tower 7, dude. It came down. It came down eventually, but it's a mystery.
Starting point is 00:12:57 It took way too long. Some suspicious activity. I don't... In my mind, because I... Whatever. The internet... I was worried about viruses with porn. Yeah. I don't in my mind because I whatever the internet I was worried about viruses with porn it did translate over into worrying about
Starting point is 00:13:12 like getting viruses actually in real life sex like because my computer hates the hard drive has warts outside of it? Oh, fuck! It's got a cold sore today! You're like, Mom's gonna be pissed!
Starting point is 00:13:31 It always seemed weird to me that it was like, it always felt like the only place you could get viruses on your computer was from looking at your poor sleep. You're like, my computer has HIV and PrEP is paying a Kenyan man $800. Just like the DVD and the HPV. You're getting DVDs of PrEP. Shoving it up your ass. You're getting Norton anti-PREP.
Starting point is 00:13:57 So you were like a little more delicate about throwing the meat around? Yeah, I always associated that. You're afraid of, like, getting, like, something. Yeah, because it was, like, the same time that in school you were getting that conversation about, like, STDs
Starting point is 00:14:12 and stuff like that. And then you'd go home, you'd be looking at porn, and there'd be, like, virus. You know what I mean? You're like, what is it about? Why can't someone give me a virus
Starting point is 00:14:20 just by looking at, you know, ESPN? I didn't think of any of that shit. Porn just fucked me up like meat like sexually. Like the first time I had sex I might as well have brought like nine men and a martini glass. I was like
Starting point is 00:14:34 let's do this bitch. You're 14 like I got a bunch of dudes wearing confederate flag jackets and they're gonna come in your face and then we're gonna drink it and I'm just you're just standing there like Indiana Jones
Starting point is 00:14:48 with a gun being like let's go baby I'm at prom like get in the bus 17 year olds all being like well I wore my white Air Force One
Starting point is 00:14:57 so what do you want from me that's like I think that is kind of like a benefit of being my age where like we didn't have
Starting point is 00:15:06 computers like to like searching for porn computers came in college I'm 43 so like you got your I know it's gross
Starting point is 00:15:15 really the first time you've ever said that the way you did it I've been working on it ew that was like a king speech you're like
Starting point is 00:15:22 you guys are just like I don't fuck it no I used to jerk off to like 43 dude shut up I used to beat off to fucking old porn mag like ripped out like on the trolley tracks we'd like wrinkle it out and like holy shit this is like so is like so sick. Porn magazines were the only way you could beat off. Yeah, yeah. So I got to the point
Starting point is 00:15:48 where like my father started having like VHSs and I get all fucking worked up on like old school porn, like 80s porn stars. And then, so sex wasn't like, like young,
Starting point is 00:15:59 if you had sex with a younger woman at my age, they get fucking nuts. They do shit that's like, whoa, this is like... Because they're consuming this at an adolescent age through their sexual progression
Starting point is 00:16:12 and growth, and they're just like, well, this is what normal people do. So as soon as you get in the door, some chick's just like spitting on your bird. You're like, I just met you at a dart league. This is nuts. And she's like, choke me. It're like, I just met you at a dart league. Right. This is nuts.
Starting point is 00:16:25 Right. And she's like, choke me. It's like, I said tacos. You've really been at a VFW since you were like
Starting point is 00:16:31 15 years old. Yeah. Yeah. A little old school. Now I still spit and choke. Are those shoes from the VA? Those are
Starting point is 00:16:40 medical. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to get a script. My grandfather fought in Normandy and I get free shoes now. If you smell what you smell like a hot dog. You guys are being real jerks this episode. No.
Starting point is 00:17:00 I'm like flip-flop again. I'm not sure. I look old, I think. No. You guys, I think. I grew up... I thought the way the internet worked that I just got more access to it as I got older. I didn't realize it was growing with me.
Starting point is 00:17:14 You know what I mean? So it was like... Your dad was giving you more parental codes? Yeah, yeah. He's literally like... He's 18 now, huh? Drop it. You're like, I grew an inch and also, wow, anal's a big thing. Your dad's in He's literally like... He's 18 now, hun. Drop it. You're like, I grew an inch and also... Wow, anal's a big thing. You're definitely in the room like...
Starting point is 00:17:29 You're definitely in the room like... Deploy the pog. Show him the butthole, hun. He's 16. No, I was literally like... Happy birthday. He just won his swim meet and also cream pies are very prevalent.
Starting point is 00:17:44 Out of nowhere. What are the odds? That's literally what it was. Like, I remember like elementary school was like Apple IIs. Middle school, like you had the internet. It was like, oh my God. And it was like dial up or whatever. And there was that thing where it was like, as I got older,
Starting point is 00:18:02 it's like you started printing out like a picture of just a naked lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was short like 30. Christy Canyons. Look her up. Holy Christmas. Carmen Electra. Carmen Electra.
Starting point is 00:18:13 The best. We're talking about bigots, dude. It wasn't her, but you remember that thing on LimeWire going around where it was Carmen Electra pool table scene? And it was this chick that looked just like Carmen Electra getting railed on top of a pool table. And it was going around like LimeWire back in the day. No? Alright, well, I look weird now. It's on my phone. I'm going to watch it after this. Was there a chat feature on LimeWire? No, but it was just one. It was like you would type in like Carmen Electra and it was the first
Starting point is 00:18:38 thing that came up. Like Carmen Electra pool table scene. You know, that was like how LimeWire worked. Is that if I remember correctly? I don't. You don't remember LimeWire? I was, yeah I remember I don't I don't know I was yeah I ripped music you were too busy focusing on your growth yeah I somehow went right from Napster to like I don't know to like YouTube yeah does that make sense was there porn on YouTube back in the day no it wasn't right if anything it's like less restricted now. It used to be like nothing on there.
Starting point is 00:19:08 Yeah, yeah. And you would download literally like 15 second clips of something. Yeah. That like took forever to download and it would be like... It would be line by line. You remember when YouTube was just the square? And you would like the early days and you could watch like full Chappelle's show seasons and like it was like it was just open game days and you could watch like full Chappelle's show seasons and like it was like
Starting point is 00:19:25 it was just open open game like you could watch full movies I think this is why I'm addicted to mature porn now it's because I only
Starting point is 00:19:32 had access to my father's wheelhouse of VHS's that's absolutely why it was all the Bush and heavy hangers just jacking off
Starting point is 00:19:40 like Ida Lupino and like old actresses and I've said this before in the pod but I would have to take My dad had a fucking Tower of Pisa Of porn
Starting point is 00:19:48 A porn of Pisa And I'd have to Memorize the angles Of where I would Slide one out Pop it He had He had a
Starting point is 00:19:57 TV VCR Built in one In the In the Bedroom And that was like Yeah 94 we're talking Oh yeah Yeah that's pretty phew. 94, we're talking.
Starting point is 00:20:05 Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty great. We're talking the year I was born. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the point. So you pop it in and I have to memorize when it started.
Starting point is 00:20:17 So it would just be some dude with like fake palm trees in the background just getting sucked off. And I'd start hammering out and I only have like 30 seconds before my brother gets home from high school so that's how i i also know how to come in very quickly yeah i only come to thumbnails on on pornhub using that as an excuse what you do you go to pornhub you just jack off to the thumbnails yeah you don't have time in and out what because
Starting point is 00:20:39 it's about your brother's still coming home feeling i don't need to fucking light a candle smoke a cigar using that as an excuse for coming early, being like, you don't understand. I trained myself for this. No, no, no, no, no. No, this is also... I'm decent on game day, dude. We're talking about practice without pads.
Starting point is 00:20:56 No, and then I'd have to... Also, taking a long time to cum is overrated. Coming fast. It's crazy. No, it's like, who cares about them? Coming fast. No, no. Coming fast.
Starting point is 00:21:04 I agree. Get the fucking gather. Coming fast is the hottest thing you can, it's like who cares about them coming? No Great fucking going fast. You can do I'm talking about it's a compliment. Yeah, and they're beauty I'm talking about you get to go watch TV. Yeah, it's still and that's great, but it is proud I mean, it's okay. We get you for me good But it's like practice you come fast on the thing like in your boxing corner I'm like putting Vaseline on your eyes. I'm like Get back in there. Get back in there, buddy. But it's like practice. You come fast on the thing. I'm like in your boxing corner. I'm like putting Vaseline on your eyes. I'm like, get back in there. It's about masturbation, not sex.
Starting point is 00:21:31 I know. We know. Get out there, rock. Why do you keep saying when you're having sex? You gotta come, rock. I'm saying that practice makes perfect. You come fast in the practice sessions. You can come fast in the real thing. And the goal is to come fast. The goal is to come fast in the practice sessions, you can come fast in the real thing, and that's...
Starting point is 00:21:46 And the goal is to come fast. And what he initially was saying... The goal is to come fast. It's not. Was that it also is a compliment to the woman you're with if you come fast, because it means you're so hot. I came so quick. Not what's in a relationship, though, that you're so hot.
Starting point is 00:21:56 We were doing so well. No, no, no. We were doing so well on this hour. I think we're still doing fast. I think I mean, Tony, you really, you got this like Larry David in you. It's just let me finish the fucking point. Tommy! Tommy!
Starting point is 00:22:10 Let Tommy finish the point. It's not gonna fucking matter now. No, it is, dude. No, no, no, keep going. Please. You can last long when you're fucking. What? That's what you were saying. That's not the point!
Starting point is 00:22:22 Shut the fuck up! Let me finish it! Alright. Damn. The point is, you gotta remember where you come, That's what you were saying. That's not the point. Shut the fuck up. Let me finish it. All right. Damn. The point is, you got to remember where you come, and you got to rewind. You got to remember where you come? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:32 On the VHS. If you fucking die, you're going to shut the fuck up. I'm sorry. I apologize. I got to watch the porn my dad watched. I got to start where my dad ended. I got to end where I end. I got to go back start where my dad ended. I gotta end where I end.
Starting point is 00:22:45 I gotta go back to where my dad ended. That's so good. So after I came, before my brother gets in, I gotta go, and you gotta get back to that dude getting sucked off with the fake palm trees. Yeah. And then I gotta remember where I went down.
Starting point is 00:22:58 So I would remember one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. And then I'd pick up six, put seven in, make sure the little corner's out, rack it back. That's six, seven. And then I'd pick up six, put seven in, make sure little corners out, rack it back. That's so... Wow, I didn't know Italians followed their parents even in jacking off. I used the same sock
Starting point is 00:23:16 my dad came in. That's the way my father came, that's the way my grandpa came. God damn it, I'm gonna come that way too. Yo, I'm a seventh-generation comer. You know what? I like the idea that it became like a Cold War kind of like spy versus spy thing, where he's trying to leave it at places that don't weird you out.
Starting point is 00:23:36 Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, he knows you're watching, so you're like, Dad came at just the talking part? That's weird. You know what I mean? Like, he's unintentionally fucking. It was like ad libs for horny wops.
Starting point is 00:23:58 We got there though. I never got caught. I never got caught drinking. I never got caught either. No. There was no locks on doors in my house. Nightmare. Uh-oh.
Starting point is 00:24:08 Everybody was punching a clown. I got caught by my college roommate once. That doesn't count. I'm talking about parents. That's fine. Yeah, yeah. Do you know I think I got caught by Jesse Joyce, who was the OG in this house?
Starting point is 00:24:17 Yeah, I think I met Jesse, yeah. I stayed on this couch when I first moved here in, like, I think, like, 2013 or something. But Jono delay was in the middle room the railroad room that you stayed in for a while so I just rocked this couch cuz knowing Jesse was going back to LA and it was like I left it the kitchen light was on and it was dark as fucking here so like the the change from dark to light yeah yeah huge he's an avatar you like a paranormal activity jerk yeah
Starting point is 00:24:46 it gets me on he's a big dude he's a giant man yeah and he caught me beating off and we just never talked about dude i i there is one time where my mom went through my like history on my computer and like just clearly saw that i was like looking at porn, but she delivered that in the middle of like, she had picked me up from school and was mad about my grades. And so we were having a fight about my grades and teachers. And then she delivered the porn thing. It was like a fucking liver shot, dude.
Starting point is 00:25:20 Like I was all, I was all protected. Like I knew how to fight off the thing. And then she just hit me and I was like protected up. I knew how to fight off the great thing. And then she just hit me and I was like, literally one knee on the canvas. There's truly nothing more embarrassing. Why are you looking at my computer like that? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:40 It was bad. But it's also so weird that that generation, because porn was new to them, like internet porn. I couldn't imagine doing that to my son one day. No, I would just be like, I wouldn't say anything. Of course he's doing that. Of course. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:55 It's weird. It's like perverted. To call it out. Widgets. It's a very. Trans porn. Dude sucking dude. Transporn! Dude sucking dude. I'll study more.
Starting point is 00:26:11 I promise I'll study more. I swear to God. I'm going to take extracurricular activities. You're right. Biology is something we're studying. Is my beard flying through this? Is it coming through? Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:26:26 Big time. Sick. I didn't know how fast this fucking thing would take off, but I do have this, like, raccoon stripe. It's kind of consistent on both sides, which is neat. You know? It looks nice. Might work out.
Starting point is 00:26:38 It's for filming something that I have to grow this for. But, all right. Mint Mobile. This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. After years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by big wireless providers like AT&T, you can go fuck yourself. I have AT&T,
Starting point is 00:26:55 but not for long. I'm trying to move on. Waiting for my sample from Mint Mobile to give it a shot. If we've learned anything, it's that there's always a catch. So when I first heard that mint mobile offers premium wireless starting at just 15 bucks a month i thought what's the catch 15 bucks a month that's a new york coffee jesus christ
Starting point is 00:27:14 but after talking to them and using their service it all made sense there isn't one mint mobile secret sauce is that they're the first company to sell wireless service online only. They cut out the cost of retail stores and pass those sweet savings directly to you. All right?
Starting point is 00:27:31 So once I get this thing in my hand, I'll give you a personal endorsement. But for anyone who hates their phone bill, mine's about $110. What do you pay?
Starting point is 00:27:40 No, family plan. Oh, jeez. You're still on family plan? Yeah, yeah. What are you, 26? Uh, 32. You're 32? Yeah, dude Yeah, yeah. What are you, 26? 32. You're 32? Yeah, dude.
Starting point is 00:27:46 Do you get carded everywhere you go? Sometimes. Baby face. You got to get a beard like this. They don't card you anymore at the C-Town. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless for just 15 bucks a month. Mint Mobile gives you the best rate whether you're buying one for a family. And that Mint family started two lines.
Starting point is 00:28:05 Of course. That's not a family, and that mint family started two lines. Of course. That's not a family. Two? So me and, if you get married, you have a family? You gotta have a little squirt. Your mother died? Oh, yeah. Mom died.
Starting point is 00:28:22 Fuck. R.I.P. Mom. But it's still fam not anymore though not until dad starts ripping through the local whores Mint Mobile gives you
Starting point is 00:28:30 the best oh I already did that all plans come with unlimited talk and text and high speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network this is crazy
Starting point is 00:28:38 I'm actually going to try this use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and keep your same number along with all your existing contacts with any Mint Mobile plan. And keep your same number, along with all your existing contacts. Switch to Mint Mobile and get premium wireless service starting at just $15 a month. You get to keep your phone, you get to keep your phone number. What are you waiting on, Tom?
Starting point is 00:28:56 To get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free. This is nuts. This is that hot actor that has this, right? Ryan Reynolds? Isn't this his plan? It's an actor that started this. You got a phone in your hand. To get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month
Starting point is 00:29:17 and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to mintmobile.com slash stuff. That's mintmobile.com slash stuff. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash stuff. That's mintmobile.com slash stuff. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash stuff. Alright. Who is it? Ryan Reynolds.
Starting point is 00:29:34 Got it. This episode is also brought to you by BetterHelp, another fucking thing I haven't done. This is one I should do. I think we all should. It says therapy is amazing but I can't tell you that. I hear from the grapevine
Starting point is 00:29:51 therapy's pretty fucking decent. Gets your shit aligned and you know what I mean? You start becoming a better person like you. Doing morning walks and staring at the birds. Not rolling out of bed at fucking 11 a.m., hungover, pissed off at nothing.
Starting point is 00:30:07 It helps you understand your emotions and when they might be misplaced, like how you're constantly yelling at your fat kid when you're just actually stressed about work. It's like my dad. My dad could have used better help. He wouldn't have been bitching at me all day. But I will say if you abuse your kids,
Starting point is 00:30:24 some of them can start to be funny and have a backbone and a personality so for all those kids out there being raised by parents who've never had better help it gets better with help you see what i did there it's pretty cool huh with therapy you can see where those overwhelming feelings are coming from. It's not from your broken family and your brother that's missing. Therapy helps you recognize them, process them, and move on to a brighter future. It's so easy to get started. You just take a quick questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist. If you need to switch therapists because one is ugly, you can easily do that for no additional cost no questions asked better help is totally
Starting point is 00:31:06 online so you can do therapy whenever and wherever it works for you let therapy be your map with better help visit betterhelp.com slash stuff island today to get 10 off your one your first month okay again that's betterhelp.com slash stuffisland today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash stuffisland. They think you're real stupid. They think you're real fucking stupid at BetterHelp. I'm not doing this. I don't have to repeat it three times.
Starting point is 00:31:39 I think you understand. It's slash stuffisland. BetterHelp. They're doing it a fourth time. This is not fucking... They died. BetterHelp.com slash Stuff Island. Maybe we didn't say it enough one time. They were like, throw it in again.
Starting point is 00:31:53 This episode... I swear to God. I'm fucking... I'm not saying it again. Yeah. We're getting a B. That's a B plus at least. I don't have a personal endorsement, but I made it mine.
Starting point is 00:32:06 I'm going to watch the rest of this. Oh, fuck, dude. I don't know. It's just weird. If my son was jerking off, I'd just go, yeah, of course he is. It's kind of incestuous and strange to bring it up.
Starting point is 00:32:14 I think so, too. It's like, why do I know you're... You're jerking off on the computer and not to your mother? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's weird. It's on you. But at the same time,
Starting point is 00:32:24 if you don't investigate it, won't you be looking at him the whole time wondering if he's jerking off? No, because he is jerking off. Wait, wait, wait. I just left my lips. I realized how weird it is. Do not talk over this.
Starting point is 00:32:39 We need to hear this. You know what I'm saying? You're like, is this... The parents are like, is my kid asexual? What's my son doing? Yeah, what is he up to? If he's not beaten off? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:32:48 Yeah. He's loading his gun. Wouldn't it be weird? Yeah, that's a problem with kids. Wouldn't it be weird if at 16 you started looking around his computer and then there was nothing? He's into like biophysics. Yeah, yeah. He's just disciplined.
Starting point is 00:33:01 I'd actually be more... I'd be ashamed. I'd be ashamed. I'd be studying instead of jacking off, I would be genuinely weirded out. Learning how to build a bridge instead of burning it? The bridges already exist. Jack off!
Starting point is 00:33:16 Learn how to beat a urine test, you fiend. Oh, you think you're going to invent the bridge? No, it'll become ropes, Billy. Yeah. Impregnate the barista, you fucking moron. You're gonna be humiliated with your first sexual experience, you dumbass. Meanwhile, he's got the... They're annoyed.
Starting point is 00:33:39 They're depressed. They're like, he probably, it was probably 10 seconds. Meanwhile, he's studying. They're in the kitchen screaming at each other. He's going to be fine. He's got a huge cock. The rain, he's not busting roads. Sharon, I told him to have a few drinks before.
Starting point is 00:33:57 Meanwhile, he just finally breaks in. What, you think she's going to stick around if it just dribbles out? I heard it was pre-cuff. He could have kept going. He just runs in the living room and he's like, guys, stop fighting. I was trying to perfect
Starting point is 00:34:14 the reverse cowgirl with the bridge of my dick. They all just start hugging. And the son's just like, while you guys were playing checkers, I was playing chess. Both parents just get into bed. It's like, parenting's hard.
Starting point is 00:34:33 That's a good Prudential commercial we just did right there. Nice life insurance commercial. The whale breaches. Man, I just like, I don't know. I was, I got fucked up as a kid with like sex. I thought I was going to be like a pussy guy in high school. I really did. I was like, I'm going to get laid a lot.
Starting point is 00:34:50 I just got fucked so hard by like two different girls. I like, not literally fucked, but just like mentally fucked by the girls. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, Chris was telling me a story. Can you tell the story again? We talked about it on Bobby Kelly. Because I think this is a theory the kid that jumped in the
Starting point is 00:35:05 grand canyon oh oh i think i thought you were talking about a different story which is like the girl that i wound up like dating in eighth grade and kind of dating through junior year of high school was like so she was like she had the sexual prowess of like a 35 year old woman yes she's like my age and i do I do think that fucked me up. Dude, I got a crazy story. I think this really fucked me up for all of high school. So when I was in ninth grade, there's a girl named, it doesn't matter
Starting point is 00:35:33 what her name is, but she was so hot. And the same thing. Desiree. Courtney. What's her social? Her name was Courtney. And I was like in love with her. But the same thing. It was like a sexual prowess of an older woman. And I was so obsessed with hery and I was like in love with her shoes so I but the same thing is like a sexual prowess of like an older woman and uh and I like was so obsessed with her and I was too afraid to talk to her in person so I was like I'm just gonna message her on myspace and that'll be that I'm like taking a plunge it's like a few days before summer vacation and I go on my myspace page I
Starting point is 00:36:00 bring up her page and I freak out I'm like like, I can't. I'm coming. I'm coming so hard. Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop. I thought I had sinned. But I'm freaking out. I'm like, fuck. I don't know what to say. And I walk away and I had this like pep talk with myself. I was like, just be a bad
Starting point is 00:36:20 boy, dude. This girl wants a bad boy. You can be a bad boy. So I go on the computer and I literally write, what's up dumbass and i hit send it's not a bad boy i thought you were gonna say like i so i raped her yeah no yeah so i need i need something bad i i freak out and i was like oh fuck dude that was a huge mistake two seconds later she dms me back she goes oh my god hi i've been meaning to talk to you here's my number text me and i was like bad boy worked that's incredible right so summer vacation had just started i'm texas girl for like two months non-stop right i'm in love with her with inside jokes everything and then we like try to meet up
Starting point is 00:37:01 a few times but i was out of town she was out of town and then one day she asked me this question she goes hey i don't mean to get personal but like did you ever fuck hayley and i'm a ninth grade i mean i'm a virgin and i wrote back hayley who as if i'm some ninth grader who's like fucking all of these hayley's i'm like i gotta think about this and she goes your ex-girlfriend and I go what are you talking about and she goes is this not Connor Sullivan and I go no this is Connor McNutt and she goes oh no she thought I was a different Connor for two whole months I was in love with her dude it fucked me up so bad and then we just like stopped talking she threw out like a fucking like charity like we can keep talking though and i was like no but you have to understand in ninth grade i was like five foot i was fat as shit i was in marching
Starting point is 00:37:59 band i thought i had hit the lottery i was like yeah, Courtney wants to fuck. And then you realized you catfished yourself. I catfished myself. Oh my god, dude. But I was like, dude, how does she not read the fucking name? Wait, who am I? Please tell me I'm Cotter Salmon. Please tell me I'm Cotter Salmon.
Starting point is 00:38:23 She's like Memento. Just reading the fucking cook notes. The posted notes on his mirror. Am I fat? Yes. Do I play in a band? Dude, the show Cheaters as like a fat band leader would be so sick. Catching these goddamn animals.
Starting point is 00:38:41 Yeah. And that shit fucked me up so bad, dude. I had no sex. I mean, I was like fat as shit. Like, Connor was fat. Like, I was fat and hateful. I was like the fat, vicious, hateful kid. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:52 Well, you were a fat kid at an all-boys school. Yeah, I was at an all-guys Catholic school. That makes— So, yeah, I came in every day, like, I had like 20 insults ready for everybody. Same. The jock, like, I'm like, if you fucking try me, like—
Starting point is 00:39:03 Thank you, thank you. So I had respect just cause, like, they were like, well, he will say some mean shit to you. The jock. I'm like, if you fucking try me. So I had respect just because they were like, well, he will say some mean shit to you. But yeah, I was a loser. So all I did was jack off to the thought of my friend's girlfriend. That was all I did.
Starting point is 00:39:18 I'd hang out with them. We'd all go to the movies. I'd be like, I bet he's getting jacked off right now. That's so hot. I'd go to their Facebook that night. I'd jack off to the thought of them. Between running roast jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Between being like, fuck you, Coach Johnson.
Starting point is 00:39:32 Fuck you, motherfucker. Yeah. You're like, I'm like Greg Giraldo right now. Oh, fuck. I was literally, I remember I was like, I remember I was in, I remember I was in high school and I would be downloading the Sopranos on a stream.
Starting point is 00:39:49 I would be watching the Sopranos on a stream and my Korean friend would be fucking his girlfriend in the other room. And I'd pause it and jack off. And jack off to the sound. Of course. I literally thought, what are you gonna do? My whole life.
Starting point is 00:40:05 Dude, I was back in the corner. That's why I tripped off Yeah. What are you going to do? I literally thought... What are you going to do? My whole life. What are you going to do? Dude, I was back in Laquana. That's why I tripped over my chair. What, are you going to blame me for this? Dude, I would watch... He's supposed to keep downloading the Sopranos. Keep a thousand of my boys in the sack. Get the fuck out of here. What are you doing?
Starting point is 00:40:23 I remember... Dude, hearing hotel sex from strangers is so hot. The best. It's fucking the best. Because they could be pigs. Who cares? How many motels have you just gone? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:33 Not a single one. Well, I haven't actually done that. You're out of your mind. I did it as a child. You never beat off listening to fucking hotel sex? No. I've never done that either. I don't...
Starting point is 00:40:41 Are you... You book motels just to check up? Look, times are tough at times. No, I don either. I don't... Are you book motels just to check up? Look, times were tough at times. No, I don't... I don't... I don't know what it is, but I don't like other people slucking. Oh, you're slow blinking, dude.
Starting point is 00:40:53 You're bad. I don't like other people making me cum. Well, he blinks like one of those dolls you put down in the 80s. Yeah. That I'm into, but I don't like... There's a weird thing
Starting point is 00:41:05 it's too personal if you can hear them I don't like them having that power over me what do you mean they're like we're dominating the guy in the next room yeah how dare they that's who I am
Starting point is 00:41:20 just fleshing we're disrespecting you. Yeah. You're such a control freak. You're like, I can't even jack off to people. I don't, yeah. I jack off to thoughts of me. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:41:35 With women. Yeah, that kind of stuff. That is a weird thing in my head. I get it. I don't like to be influenced like that. Yeah. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. You're not influenced like that. I don't like to be influenced like that. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:41:47 Shut the fuck up. Influenced like that. I don't like to be. Honestly, when it comes to cumming, if it's like consensual and not illegal, who gives a shit? That's totally non-consensual, jerking off to someone fucking in the room. Hold on a second.
Starting point is 00:41:58 How's that not the fuck up? That is non-consensual. No, but then by your logic. If I'm fucking in a hotel room and someone's jerking off. Has everyone in this room never heard hotel sex and got horned up? Of course. Of course. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:10 So speak the fuck up. You said no. No, but what I'm saying is. No, I said I haven't jacked off to it. But of course. I haven't jerked off to it. I've heard it and then I pulled porn out. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:42:18 Thank you, my friend. But you did get worked up. It's like a fluff. Thank you, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much do I owe you, huh? You can't go over and tip him. Just like an envelope under the door.
Starting point is 00:42:31 Like a receipt. He put cash under the door. Dude, it's like 75 cents. The cum wasn't that good. It also makes me laugh more. Also, your wife's voice is annoying. Trying to look up like fluffer porn. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:42 And just seeing a guy in a hotel bed going like a spidey yeah yeah I still was cool it's cool I'm coming to the bed to Cardinal or motel six playing whack-a-mole with some fucking couple from Kentucky. Good Christ. Are there more Coors Lights in there? Coors. Dude, you are...
Starting point is 00:43:17 You are blinking like a Furby right now. It is insane. Dude, it's nuts. Literally, it's like an 80s dog. Just like low battery Furby. They're going. It's not low battery. They, they, the creation of that doll, when you lay it down, the eyes close and people
Starting point is 00:43:34 are like, whoa. He's like a smart pet, low on battery. Yeah. That's how you know Chris is fucking, he's on the cusp. No, I do a little transcendental meditation in between. There we go. That's what I do. In between riffs, dude, I'm meditating.
Starting point is 00:43:48 Yeah. Back. While you guys are finishing your jokes, I'm just getting rest. Yeah. Honestly, I'm at a point now drinking where I'm back in action. I feel so good. Yeah. This is great.
Starting point is 00:44:01 You guys want to do two more hours? Absolutely. I'll do another one. We can do more. I'll do this all night. I'm having the most fun. I literally don't care. I don't even, two more hours? Absolutely. I'll do another one. We can do more. I'll do this all night. I'm having the most fun. I literally don't care. I don't even...
Starting point is 00:44:08 What is this? What is this? This is what people don't realize about podcasting is that we all want to take the day off. Yeah. Okay. And yet, we're going to drink until three or four in the morning. You think we want to do this?
Starting point is 00:44:27 You think we want to live like this? We do this because we have to. Closer to Caesar, the greater the fear. We're like first responders, dude. You don't get it, man. Yeah. Yeah. We all so casually just go to the bathroom
Starting point is 00:44:46 we're all sitting around we're groggy and we're going how can we give the fans the best experience? Shit-faced. Absolutely. Also, I gotta say, the way we pulled together for this episode, pretty impressive. Yeah, this is good stuff. It's been a way better episode.
Starting point is 00:45:16 It's not better, but it is. Yeah, it is better, right? Public. It's just because of you. The other guy was throwing us off. Yeah, fuck R.D.B. The American History X character that was in here earlier. Wait, this one's public? Yeah, this one's way better. Well, let me tell you something.
Starting point is 00:45:28 That Patreon is fucking... I don't even know if it's way better. It is a firecracker. I think this is better. There's a better flow to it and everything. Connor just doesn't want to promote the other episode because it's so good. No, but I get it.
Starting point is 00:45:40 Connor's afraid of racism. What a... How you doing? You fucking mick. Irish slurs. That first hour was fucking wild. Yeah, that was wild. That was wild.
Starting point is 00:46:00 That was a lazy river flowing to the rapids. That was... I do not endorse anything we said on the first episode. We will put it out. What are you talking about? Wasn't that bad? It wasn't that bad. It's also like, we're doing comedy.
Starting point is 00:46:14 Who is going to come up to us and be like, you really believe that? Like, I'm a retard. I go around, I don't believe in anything I say. What are we talking about? We're like clowns. That's like going up to a clown and be like, your nose is fake. You believe in you're a liar. You lie for living, clown.
Starting point is 00:46:29 Taking this shit serious is the saddest shit in the world. It's so f***ed. Who gives a shit? Haven't we gone through enough examples of people f***ing f***ed? So gay. So gay. Guys, that's what we should have called the podcast. Very articulate. So f***ed, so gay. Welcome back to episode 90 of So Gay.
Starting point is 00:46:48 Hosted by Byron Allen. Is your dad dead? Come on. No, that page fucking rolls, dude. Absolutely, dude. Let me ask you, Mark. Is your dad dead? He just keeps going around the couch saying no one's coming next.
Starting point is 00:47:06 We're like, shit. Is he? Is he dead? He's dead to me. Will you kill him? My mom's dead. Kill your dad. Just kill your dad.
Starting point is 00:47:16 We already talked about this. He was supposed to set me up for the bit. My dad isn't dead. I don't know what he's doing. Yeah. I told him I have itchy hands. What the fuck is this guy? Has he lost his mind?
Starting point is 00:47:24 I have a huge bit about itchy hands. Why do you keep asking if my dad's dead? Yeah. Is anyone I told him I have itchy hands. What the fuck is this guy? Has he lost his brain? I have a huge bit about itchy hands. Why do you keep asking if my dad's dead? Yeah, yeah. Is anyone going to cut? Dude, you piss off Byron Allen. He's going to be on your ass. That guy's got fucking money and power. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:47:34 Dude, I watched him bomb. He's going to be through the cars being like, your dad's not dead? Yeah. I'm on the wrong bit. Yeah. You're like, you ever been to Chuck E. Cheese? The animals don't really talk and he's like
Starting point is 00:47:47 your dad let's get back to your dad I watched him bomb in a crazy way like my first year living here I was doing PA work for like a
Starting point is 00:47:55 daytime Emmy dude it was wild I'm sorry dude he like went up to and accept a speech and like did like
Starting point is 00:48:03 15 minutes of stand up that no one wanted to see. It was one of the craziest things I've ever seen in my entire life. What did he talk about? About his journey, but then he was just doing bits in it. And they kept giving him the light and playing music. And he was like, cut the music. I'm doing stand-up comedy. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:48:21 He doubles as Judge Joe Brown. He's all over town. Life! So you didn't pay your insurance for three months. Life! Dude, I mean, not to bring up your old podcast bits, but that clip of him talking about George Floyd
Starting point is 00:48:41 is one of the craziest things. George Floyd died crying like a bitch have you seen this that's like what Joe Brown said oh it's my movement hates George Floyd and shit it's crazy yeah it's literally... Are you Sicilian? Did the Moors come into your town? You're trying to rewind the last porn. It's George Floyd. Yeah, just my dad jerking off to it. What the fuck is this?
Starting point is 00:49:14 I got to rewind past all these fat titty chicks. What the hell is going on? No, he's like a podcast, right? Yeah, he has a pod... It's like one of those Zoom podcasts. Yeah. He just interviews like radicalized crazy people. But yeah, he's a fast... He's a funny guy, Judge people. But yeah, he's a funny guy, Judge Joe Brown.
Starting point is 00:49:27 What happened? He's just very anti-BLM and anti like George Floyd. And some things he says are kind of like, eh, it kind of makes sense. Do you think this is like a brilliant move because he's going to get more attention? No, it's just like... No, I think he's like senile. Yeah, he's just an old
Starting point is 00:49:43 black man. And I think just an old black man. And I think when an old black dude has like a life of... Where he's like made it on his own. And he's like kind of famous. And he struggled. He kind of... Everyone turns into a Republican at the end of the day. Yeah, of course. You know?
Starting point is 00:49:58 That's like the woke movement for what he considers. It's like you're bitching about shit you don't deserve. His whole thing is like... Well, listen, I don't know what he's. It's like, you're bitching about shit you don't deserve. His whole thing is like, well, listen, I don't know what he's talking about George Floyd, like how he died. He died, he's murdered, in my opinion. But it is funny,
Starting point is 00:50:14 I did agree with him when he goes, he's up there with Martin Luther King and he's just a junkie. Yeah. And you're like, well, that is kind of true. It's weird that George Floyd has become this figure like he's Malcolm X
Starting point is 00:50:26 he was just a dude that was you know he was just a guy he doesn't deserve to be like you know there should be field trips to a George Floyd memorial are there field trips? there's gotta be he's everywhere
Starting point is 00:50:41 there's statues of him all over if you're a young kid right now, you think George Floyd marched on Selma. Yeah. You have no clue. He was another black figure, I guess. That clip is insane, though. He's talking, he's like,
Starting point is 00:50:56 that's a 6'4 black man weighing 250 pounds and he died like a bitch. Died crying like a bitch. He's crying for his mama. He died like a bitch. Andied crying like a bitch. He says that? Crying for his mama. Crying for his mama. He died like a bitch. And you're like, oh my God. It's the craziest shit I've ever seen my entire life.
Starting point is 00:51:10 It's wild. The way you started that sounded kind of cool. It was like, six four. Yeah. 250 pounds. Like he's Dana White. Hipster. Rikishi. George three,
Starting point is 00:51:46 George Floyd. So you couldn't breathe, man. Eight minutes, 44 seconds, man. National movement, man. Took over the country, man. That's crazy, man. Do you eat up, man. To more of the country, man. Do you eat up, man? Oh, my God. No, this works.
Starting point is 00:52:15 Oh, my God. I think this works, dude. How many B vitamins do you have that day, man? I got out of the bathroom. That's fine. Holy Christ. Get ahead. Can you grab me another one of these cut water shoes?
Starting point is 00:52:31 Holy fucking Christ. Cut water or beer? Cut water. Wow, another Patreon episode. That's crazy. Two Patreons. This might be the two best episodes we've ever done. Yeah, it's great. And neither of them are releasable.
Starting point is 00:52:42 What are you talking about? This is fine. It's great. I think it's fantastic. I of them are reusable. What are you talking about? This is fine. It's great. I think it's fantastic. I've done Mahari. Mahari. I don't think we've seen it yet.
Starting point is 00:52:52 Two, six, four. Dude, it's so funny. George. The suffocating voice. Now that's bad. Definitely cut that. George Seder! Just bring out that fucking...
Starting point is 00:53:12 Down syndrome kid who smashes two Bud Light bottles in a pool. That is the funniest video of all time. It is so funny. Woo! Yeah, don't do it! He's like, Gary, Gary! He shakes two bottles. He drops one foot in a pool and he's like, Gary, Gary! He shakes your butt. He drops one foot in the pool.
Starting point is 00:53:25 He's like, whoa! Just smashes 40 pounds of glass into a fucking tub. Oh, my God. Woo! Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. God damn it.
Starting point is 00:53:38 You guys see the bodybuilder, the Down syndrome bodybuilder? Yeah, dude. He looks good. He looks incredible, dude. Dude. Ripped. Have you not seen this guy? No, I haven't been good. He looks incredible, dude. Dude. Ripped. Have you not seen this guy? No, I haven't been on that section of Pornhub yet.
Starting point is 00:53:49 Oh, my God. No, he's like... He looks incredible. It's insane. Yeah, I bet. It's truly one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my entire life. I mean, they eat dogs. You know what?
Starting point is 00:53:59 I haven't seen the female side of the internet. I haven't seen the female side of the internet be like, yo You know anytime there's a hot down-central girl, every dude is like, yo I know which one you're talking about I would think that the women of the internet would go, holy moly
Starting point is 00:54:18 Let's finish this one for real We're so close I'm about to talk about how hot this chick jogging on the trail was. We're complimenting you. We talking about hot Down syndrome people? Yeah, I think it's great. No, I'm talking about the Down syndrome bodybuilder guy.
Starting point is 00:54:31 You've seen that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he looks incredible. He unfortunately looked like everyone at the gym. Yes. Yeah. He kinda looked like everyone I've seen. Except I bet he's got a paw.
Starting point is 00:54:40 I don't like that. You don't like that? I don't like that. Yeah, well, enough. I don't like that at all. Why? He that? I don't like that. Yeah, well, enough. I don't like that at all. Why? He's offending me. He's offending me. I just grabbed two cut waters and smashed them on my head.
Starting point is 00:55:00 I don't like it. Oh, my God. Guys, this might be the most fun I've ever had in my life. Yeah, it's the best. Me too. Oh my god! Guys, this might be the most fun I've ever had in my life. Yeah, it's the best. Me too, man. We're great, dude. We're great. My face hurts, so I'm, yeah. Yeah, like my jaw.
Starting point is 00:55:14 You know, you never, you remember when you were like sick in school and you couldn't show up to school for like three or four days? Never in my life I had perfect attendance. My parents refused to let me stay home. Really? Yeah. Well, that's... Thank you.
Starting point is 00:55:28 Do you have paper towels? Yeah, they're in the box, so don't unwrap them. It's a packaging. It's a re-gifting. But you remember when you would show back up to school and you'd laugh with your friends for the first time for like three or four days, and you were like, my jaw like hurt.
Starting point is 00:55:39 You were like, my face. I forgot how fun fun is. And how boring your dumb parents were. Your dead dad. Yeah, you did you really like What was going on with your family right now? It's a bar. There's a lot. You're like revealing a lot of stuff. You just can't say I just think like dead dads are so funny Is your dad what's happening? My dad's alive and well, I'm trying to get him to double trying to get him to Only a tail end if I'm trying to get my dad to go to Dublin.
Starting point is 00:56:06 You're kind of trying to summon something. So we can golf. Golf. Huh? I want to get him to Dublin or Scotland to golf. That'd be sick as hell. Yeah. It would be.
Starting point is 00:56:14 He's three quarters. He's seven five. Damn. 75% in? No, he's 75 years old. Oh. I didn't know. I thought you were talking about...
Starting point is 00:56:25 You're 25% in right now mentally. I didn't know. I was just thinking about it. Are you bringing your parents to Dublin? Trying to. What's going on? Well, I literally... You were there the last time I was home, I think.
Starting point is 00:56:38 Yeah. And we were talking about going to Ireland, and they were like, yeah, but then we got to go see family, and it's a whole thing. No, you don't. Yeah. No, you don't. You just don't. You guys both Irish?
Starting point is 00:56:51 I'm Irish and Italian. Yeah, I'm like fully Irish. You're fully Irish, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You seem, how much Italian you got in you? 40? That sounded accusatory. No, I'm not, I'm not.
Starting point is 00:57:00 How much? Yeah. Let me see your papers. How many bricks, how many bricks you laid? Yeah, the fucking, the balls of a Jew telling me. I'm not a Jew. How much Italian? I'm not that much. How much? Let me see your papers. How many bricks you laid? The balls of a Jew telling me. I'm not a Jew. Question how much I Jew. I'm not a Jew.
Starting point is 00:57:08 Your father's a Jew. No, not really. Come on. I guess technically because my grandmother was Jewish. You got a bit of an Italian. But he was mostly Italian. He was mostly Italian. I'm like, who knows?
Starting point is 00:57:16 I think it's like 30, 40%. But nobody, I don't look at you and I go like Irish. Thank you. I'm like, you're Irish. I'm like, you're Irish. I'm like, you're Irish. I'm like, you're Irish. I'm like, you're Irish.
Starting point is 00:57:24 I'm like, you're Irish. I'm like, you're Irish. I'm like, you're Irish. I'm like, you're Irish. I'm like, you're Irish. Who knows? I think it's like 30-40% I don't look at you and I go like Irish Thank you so much I'm a WAP You're so Italian to me You're so Italian I know it's awesome This is my whole life I've just wanted to meet both of you
Starting point is 00:57:40 Yeah This is my wife dude This is my parents actually This is my wife, dude. This is my parents, actually. It really is. Yeah. This is my mom, and this is my dad. Nice. And you're my son.
Starting point is 00:57:51 Thank you. Now go cut the fucking lawn before I beat the shit out of you with a belt. All right, I will. I will. And then let's jack off together. You did cut the lawn, I heard. Third party. Little birdie told me you cut the lawn.
Starting point is 00:58:01 Thinking about cutting it again? Yeah. You got to get a lawn. I saw the places you missed. It grows so fast. I know it does. Well, the only place I missed was the place where the hose was. No, you think that's a plant in the back?
Starting point is 00:58:11 It's a fucking weed. You got to hack at it. I got shears where I hold the charcoal. Can you guys leave for a second? I want to talk to my wife for a second about cutting the lawn. We got five minutes left and we just start getting along cutting. This is the second hour, but you're not going to see it. Unless you sign for the Patriot.
Starting point is 00:58:33 Dude, the Patriot is a fucking roller coaster. You got to put more water in the cement, Chris. What, you lay bricks like that? Yes, I lay bricks. You piece of shit. How do you expect people to go to church? Yeah. They got to pray. what you lay bricks like that yes you lay bricks yeah oh god it's not that far off a whopping a whopping a Mick is the only mix I know it's like oil and water while that it was ever like not okay cuz Cause it's like the most common mix.
Starting point is 00:59:06 I mean, my family's from Philadelphia also. So it's like, yeah. In Philly, that seems like the most normal shit of all time. It is. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:11 Half Italian, half Irish. I honestly only think modern people think it's a thing because of Goodfellas. Because Henry Hill goes, you know, I was, I couldn't be made cause I was like kind of Irish. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:22 So, and that movie is so big that I think everyone kind of like just took that as like, that's everybody. No, no, that was true though. Pretty much is. Because the ports of immigration New York, Boston, Philadelphia Irish, Italian, Polish. But what is true?
Starting point is 00:59:37 What are we talking about? Well, like most people from our neighborhoods are Irish and Italian. Yeah, but how's, but what is not? At one point it it was weird for them to integrate with each other. Oh, right, right, right. Okay. They were all in slums together
Starting point is 00:59:49 and they didn't speak the same language. That was also interracial. To them back then, that was an interracial couple. Yeah, it was like they were making Steph Currys. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:59 Tell me this is Steph Curry. Dude, I'm a Steph Curry. Let's see my mom going behind the dresser and finding an Italian fat lady porn and be like, who did this? I'm a step dad. My mom going behind the dresser and finding an Italian fat lady porn. Like, who did this? I'm like, that's my brother. That's my wife, Aisha McNutt.
Starting point is 01:00:13 He's drinking and beating his wife from long range. Domestic abuse from afar. Damn, he's so clutch, dude. He's so, so, so fucking clutch, dude. He's on fire. Nobody's ever hit this wide, this deep, this many times in a season. Yeah, this consistently.
Starting point is 01:00:39 He's on fire. Hitting his wife from the living room. Is this a guy taking full beers? They've got a Dutch door. He's hitting his wife from 45% from the kitchen. You gotta wrap it up with that. Yeah, I think that's good.
Starting point is 01:01:03 I mean, if it doesn't get here, right? I don't know what you guys want. Yeah, you guys want to plug something again? We're going to flip the coil on these two. I'll tell you that. That was wonderful, boys. Yeah. Great time.
Starting point is 01:01:17 It sucks that you're going to live over there. I'll come out more if it means I can come here. What are you doing? Why are you going that way? I'm from there. He's from Echo Park. I'm from Echo Park. You got a wife, kids?
Starting point is 01:01:30 I got a girl. You got a girl? Yeah. That's about it. What's she do? Run a taco truck? She does a podcast, too. And she runs a taco truck.
Starting point is 01:01:38 She's the number one burrito maker in all the land. No, Tommy. That's my wife. Oh, the fork eater. Guys, we love you. No context. That's a callback. I'm saying things as if
Starting point is 01:01:58 our first hour at the bar was our first podcast. I'm like, callback. We were recording at the bar that was like a week ago all these memories my girl's so full of Listerine I don't know what to do
Starting point is 01:02:11 what I don't know what was that dude stroking out alright yeah well that was great yeah plug your stuff
Starting point is 01:02:20 I mean just my I mean my Instagram 420 naughty boy that's it you know naughty my Instagram 420 naughty boy that's it you know naughty naughty boy
Starting point is 01:02:27 420 naughty boy hey watch with Devin Costa Lemon Party yeah boys guys you guys kick ass that was the best
Starting point is 01:02:35 love you

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